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WWF Shotgun Saturday Night |
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| Guest columnist: Brandon Talbot | |
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In over 50 countries...In over 12 (or was it 20?) languages...Why don't
they do that anymore? Oops...Attitude!
Vince introduces Jesse 'The Body" Ventura at the press conference held
last Wednesday and...that's it? You just see the briefest glimpse of Jesse
which I miss because I blinked which leads us to- The Outdated Shotgun Intro (w/out lyrics at all...sniff)...Tonight: Jesse 'The Body"....DX Wolfpac vs. D'Lo and Meat....Stone Cold and the Big Show did something recap worthy on RAW...All on Shotgun...Saturday Night. DX Wolfpac vs. D'Lo and Sexual Vanilla (w/ PMS): Commentators for this edition of Shotgun are 'Mr. Saturday Night" (it really says that) Michael Cole and Vince 'Where the hell is Terry Taylor" Russo. Road Dogg calls DX Wolfpac the 'Sole Survivors." X-Pac: 'Meat is the only thing you two are gonna be beatin' tonight." Russo: 'Can he say that?" D'Lo comes out to his cool music and Meat comes out with some breasts. Russo and Cole talk about Kane and Undertaker reuniting to take on Stone Cold's injured forehead. Even commentators are confused as to why Meat and D'Lo are teaming up. Mark Henry is still out with high blood pressure so sayeth Mr. Saturday Night. X-Pac and Meat are in the ring. Crotch Chops to start. Lockup. Meat powers out. Meat with the beat down. Whip off the ropes. X-Pac ducks and hits the roundhouse kick. Belly to back suplex on Meat. X-Pac gets distracted by BA Billy Gunn and Chyna who have made their presence felt on the ramp. Billy Gunn sure does look like Brad Pitt with an Attitude in those Hillbilly Jim overalls. Tag to D'Lo who doesn't like Meat by the way. X-Pac still playing the kid with heart (read: getting beat down). D'Lo whips Pac to the corner and runs into X-Pac's boot. D'Lo jumps into his heel-kick. D'Lo legdrop after flipping Road Dogg the bird. Tag to Meat. Cole and Russo announce a D'Lo/Mideon match at Fully Loaded for the retired European title. Meat with the chinlock which X-Pac powers out of. Whips Meat off the ropes and X-Pac gets hit with a powerslam for incurring the wrath of Meat...And its time for a commercial. 'The first man to bleed loses it's that simple!!" Whoa!! Really? WWF Fully Loaded...SUNDAY, July 27. Dok Hendrix plugs the Anaheim house show that started 6 hours ago. I missed it, by the way. It's not that I'm lazy I just had to work. And I'm lazy. We come back to D'Lo working over X-Pac. He brings X-Pac up by the hair. Jacqueline's on the top rope as D'Lo starts to position X-Pac. Jacky goes for the top rope dropkick and hits D'Lo instead. I didn't see that coming. Both guys make hot tags. Road Dogg's is hotter, apparently. Dogg with the dancing punches...Hits D'Lo and Meat then nails Meat with the Wiggly Knee drop. X-Pac hits the Bronco Buster on D'Lo and Road Dogg reverses Meat's fireman's carry into the pump handle at roughly the same time. (Pin at 7:30?). Meat tries to get Terri, Jacky and Ryan to console him...but NO?!? PMS dumps Meat?!? Angle advancement does happen on Shotgun!! Road Dogg gets on the mic because Mr. Ass and Chyna are still there: 'Hey, Donnie and Marie...If you want the rights to DX you can come down and get them right now!" Mr. Ass reaches into the overalls (which were popular when I was in 6th grade...Jeez, Billy, if you're gonna be 'Brad Pitt with an Attitude" at least dress the part) and pulls the mic out of his pants...Eww... Calls down Road Dogg and X-Pac but when they actually accept the counter-challenge DX Hollywood takes a powder. Recap of the Ventura Press Conference. Focus is on Jesse being in charge, not McMahon. Jesse's gonna bring law and order back to the ring...When was it ever there? That was a cheap joke. Get used to it. Up next Jeff Jarrett and Blue Meanie square off for the IC title and an Austin/Big Show recap. The Rock and Stone Cold ask nicely for you to 'Buy our videos NOW!!" Michael PS Hayes hypes the house show that's now started 6 and a half hours ago. Shotgun is brought to you by WWF: The Music Volume 3 and Starburst: HARD Candy and Western Union. RAW recap: Vince doesn't trust Stone Cold and won't sign the contract. Stone Cold wants his belt so HE won't sign the contract. Kane isn't beginning of RAW material so he doesn't come down to his entrance music. UT being the nice guy that he is fills in for him but then turns heel again by waffling Stone Cold with the Smoking Skull belt. Austin bleeds for the second time in as many weeks. Only then does Vince sign the contract...IN BLOOD. Da Big Show (w/ cool music) came down and proposed an alliance. Wight calls Kane UT's 'little brother" which I find funny as does Lawler. Wight has marbles in his mouth, by the way. They sign a tag match which double booked Kane for the night and nobody mentioned it. Good thing he let Rock take his place during the DX match or who knows what kind of chaos might have ensued. Austin wrestles half the match in his t-shirt, which makes him look silly. Austin manages to bleed twice in one night despite wearing a big bandage. The match didn't really work for me as it didn't follow any tag rules. Sure, Austin said he wanted it to be a 'no rules" fight, but that doesn't make up for it. The action is all over the place. I watched Wrestlemania 14 last night and I notice that Kane's lost his belly and put all the excess into his arms. Stunner on Kane and Austin wins the battle but could he lose the war due to his blood-prone forehead? Recap fails to show UT's cool Gene Simmons-impression tongue thing that he did on RAW. First Blood and Straps are all gonna be at Fully Loaded. The winners get to be in the same ring as Jesse 'The Body" at Summerslam. Up next...The Acolytes beat up people and Jarrett gives Meanie a title shot. A mangy dog demonstrates that WWF.com sniffs out stuff. Where's the Attitude there? I hate those commercials. WWF Rewind: Jarrett takes the Stunner in a way that looks WAY too painful. Then he takes another because he has the balls to tell the sound guy to turn off Stone Cold's music. Let's hope this leads to something...Please? Jeff Jarrett (w/ Really Cool Music and Debra McBoobies) vs. The Blue Meanie (sans his Mommy) for the Intercontinental Championship (of the World?): Jarrett: 'I got a little news for everybody tonight. There's not a person in this building who deserves to see the puppies except for me. Instead you're gonna get to see the greatest...that's right the greatest Intercontinental champion of all time...Me." I thought he was talking about that other Intercontinental Champion. Cole says that if the 'puppies" are Labradors then Meanie's belly is a St. Bernard. Meanie has short hair now. It's still blue though. Jarrett with right hands as Russo gets points for mentioning Road Dogg's Roadie days. I don't like Russo but at least he remembers stuff from before he was working at Titan. Jarrett places Meanie on the ropes and straddles his back. Meanie reverses a whip and hits a sidewalk slam. Jarrett gets up as Meanie's climbing the top for the moonsault. Jarrett lifts him up on his shoulders and falls backwards. Cole rightly asks why you'd want to get between the Meanie's legs. Trading punches and Jarrett thumbs Meanie's eye. Meanie comes back ever so slowly. Meanie with a neckbreaker. Jarrett tries a float over but gets caught in a power slam. Debra up on the apron and offers to show the puppies but Meanie doesn't want any of it. He flashes her and Jarrett does the Reverse Russian Legsweep and gets the win. (Pin at 4:30ish) Up next...The Acolytes are going to do some Acolyte things... 559 hours to the Millennium (I didn't catch if they spelled it right.) It almost sounds as if the machine-like background noise is saying Jericho. JVC Kaboom Box Presents the Kaboom of the Week: Da Big Show saves the Big Shot from further punishment at the hands of the Acolytes. Holly is hilarious when he says, 'I had him right where I wanted him." The Acolytes vs. Flash Flanagan & Danny O'Brien: Bradshaw with rights and rights on Flanagan. Hits a big boot. Pounding again. Short armed Clothesline from Hell. Tag to Faarooq. Simmons with some more rights and a one armed body slam. One handed pin...To the outside now. Faarooq and Bradshaw destroy Flanagan and O'Brien with the steps and other assorted madness...Ref calls for the bell. (DQ at 1:10 or so). Back inside Dominator and Powerbomb on Flanagan and O'Brien respectively. Acolytes decide to go home and talk politics after that. Da Big Show and Kane face off at Fully Loaded with the Big Shot as guest referee I should really record this next time and do the recap after...Makes it a lot easier if you can do two things at once, which I obviously can't. Tony B is squeezin' and smashin' prices for Van Conversions at Fullerton Dodge. Tony B has scary arms. Crazy Gideon is crazy for low prices on all electronics. Local TV rules. Starburst: HARD Candy presents the Slam of the Week. The Mean Street Posse beats on Test and then Shane beats on Stephanie. Michael PS Hayes hypes the...Wait...He's wrestling? Michael PS Hayes vs. Tracy Smothers: I don't get ECW so there won't be any Tracy Smothers/FBI jokes here. Sorry. Hayes with rights and chops. Smothers spins him around and does some chops of his own with a bit of a wiggle before each one. Whip and a flying elbow by Smothers. Whip again and Smothers puts his head down which gets a DDT from Hayes. Clothesline to the outside and the Hardy's trash talk. They throw him back in and Hayes straps on the chinlock. Smothers powers out. Whip and a crossbody by Smothers. Clothesline by Hayes. Snapmare by Hayes. Russo says that Cole is JR's puppy dog or something. Russo sucks. Shoulderblock by Hayes and some right hands. Back to the chinlock. Russo rightly says that a chinlock won't work against the Acolytes. To the corner and Smothers misses a splash. Bodyslam. Another. Big Elbow misses. Rights and lefts by Smothers. Heel kick to the back of the head by Smothers, which looks funny. Smothers misses a flying elbow from the top. I miss the finishing move but Hayes wins with a pin (Pin at 4:00?). Damnit, that's why I need to record this. Acolytes come out as the Hardy's are setting up a table for Smothers. Angle advancement on Shotgun! Dominator on Matt. Powerbomb on Jeff. Double Powerbomb on Hayes. Theme From Acolytes plays as the big guys leave. Toys that sweat. YAY! Maximum Sweat. 'Playtime's over!" Triple H looks like his figure when he does that. It's almost 2:30 am so Up next...Heat is on tomorrow! Shotgun is brought to you by Castrol GTX (w/ Posters) and JVC Kaboom Box and something else which I miss because I still need to start recording this damn show now. It's my first day, alright? Tomorrow on Heat (or is that today?): Shamrock will challenge Blackman because Blackman's been acting all uppity by not returning Shammy's phone calls. Jarrett takes on Road Dogg where Russo again mentions a rich history between the former Roadie and Roader(?). Triple H will take on Da Big Show. The Big Shot will take on X-Pac. Now go to bed, already!!! 4 Matches at roughly 17:10 minutes of bell to bell including one commercial break during the first match. That AND angle advancement. Not bad. Brandon Talbot freelance Mail the Author Visit My Place of Monkeys |
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