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/24 July 1999

WWF Shotgun Saturday Night


Guest columnist: Ben Emery


Hosts are Jim Ross (for Michael Cole) and Vince Russo.

I've never sat through an entire Shotgun Saturday Night before. The opening dancers are usually enough entertainment. Back crescent portions of boobs are all right by me.


During Meat's entrance with the PMS ladies both Ross and Russo talk of how this ought to be more than enough to "keep you up all night!" and I'm already uncomfortable. Getting sexually confused is not what I tune in for! Let's assume they were drawing my attention to PMS or the remarkable excitement almost certainly to be caused by tonight's show. eesh. Terri Runnels is terrifically horny. Ryan Shamrock is NOT. Terri bemuses Jacqueline.
Ross slags Meanie's physique during his entrance when Meanie seems to have lost a little weight. WWF is really uptight about this sort of a thing. I think it's the same notion that caused the "Big Man/Family Friendly" era mutated into some other displacement. 'member Vader, 'member?

Anyway, wrestling happens. Meanie gets in two atomic drops. One inverted, one not. Ross refers to Meat's "flaming pink" wrestling attire that looks like a pair of briefs. Ross says he investigated the history of men wrestling in their underwear. He says there were a few times at a Holiday Inn in Shreveport...
OK, fine.
Beginning to feel a little weird, they butch it up by hyping the severity of Ken Shamrock's PPV match.

Blue Meanie powerslam. Meanie tries to get a little sugar from Jackie. She splows him dead in his mug.
Ross says, "Beat their meat".
Meat Cleaver ends it.
The work of the Devil, no doubt about it.
5 minutes

2: Last Monday on RAW
Vince tells Undertaker how it's going to be. UT says "We needs to back up one minute and get one thing straight." Promises to open Austin but for his pleasure, not Vince's. HHH butts in. UT takes exception. Threatens melon splittings for all involved. Vince sets match between UT and HHH for later tonight (then). UT says he'll bathe in Austin's blood. Austin arrives in Central Kentucky Blood Center bloodmobile. BTW, Russo pronounces everything with a native NY accent. Cleah enough for ya? Fast-forward to later that night as UT and HHH clobber one another. Rattasnake run in. Gratuitous Vince gulping. Chyna looking good. UT ends up in blood mobile after not too convincing reversal of sorts. Austin wallops Vince with the belt and I'm pretty sure Vince uses a blood capsule setting the cause of "smarts" back to Hogan blading on the Saturday night NBC program.
RAD! UT blasts Austin with a beer. Cuts on Austin like Benihana his own damn self.

The former two time Euro champion is going solo as Mark Henry has health issues. Mideon, it seems, has received the Euro title in a none too honorable fashion. D'Lo wants it back. Russo says Fully Loaded match will be brutal.
Baxter blows a Hurricanrana, landing D'Lo on the bottom rope. Many WOOOO! chops elicited from the audience by D'Lo. Sunset flip, reversed. Baxter, feeling bad for ruining the spot, oversells everything. But it works so let this be a lesson to all the applicants out there. Look out, Baxter grabs back some Mojo and does a thumb to the eye. D'Lo quickly crushes Baxter's creative instincts and calls for the end. Frog Splash.
5 minutes

4: RAW highlights
UT chokeslams X-Pac and breaks everybody else's heads (not Kane, though) with heavy things.
Harcore Holly had his head totally crushed! Yow.
A job well done, Kane and UT start to leave together but Kane returns to check on his X-Pac. I'll refrain from calling X-Pac "Little Buddy". Kane sees the tape of UT chokeslamming X-Pac on the TitanTron, get's mad, chokeslams UT. Kane reiterates his intentions for X-Pac and X-Pac leaps into Kane's arms.
From this day forward they will be known as Gary and Ace.

Ad for the sweating toys. The Sweating Menagerie.

Crap, I'm missing Howard Stern. Hold on.

5: BOSSMAN, MIDEON AND VICERA VS. umm... OH DEAR (Dinsmore, Flanagan and Miller) Now this is a squash! Bossman vs. Oh Dear combatant 1. Combatant 1 has a great move where he wiggles out of whatever bad thing someone tries to do to him. This move is quickly countered though. Bossman Bossman Bossman. Bossman does most of the work in this one as Mideon and Vicera drew long straws.
It ends. Handcuffed to the top rope our hero gets a reminder to not wiggle so goldarn much.
Ross and Russo hype Al Snow's match tomorrow night.
Vicera's sweating in that jacket, dude.
3 minutes or so.

Clip from RAW's GTV Ben Stiller dealy. Hype for his movie. Ross, "The man formerly known as Freddie Joe Floyd taking on the man formerly known as Chaz of the Headbangers".
Well, not 'Chaz' of the Headbangers, but the point is made and Ross is cool for doing so.
Arm drag takedowns, two of 'em, by Chaz. He does a chicken dance because that'll get you over.
The top half of Chaz's girlfriend's underwear is showing from the top of her silvery, reflective trousers and I suppose it's wrong to give a woman a wedgie. Smother's does the FBI gesture (for which I know not the proper name but understand the message) towards Chaz's girlfriend. Chaz does a free form Bronco Buster on the back of Smother's neck. Modified Death Valley Driver.
5 minutes.

Flesh-Kincaid reading level 4.2.


Ben Emery

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission