WWF Shotgun Saturday Night
|Guest columnist: Brandon Talbot|
Yup, I'm late. I'm becoming more and more like CRZ every day. Sorry, boss. Wouldn't want you to censor me. Like it matters anyway. Out of the five people who read this (CRZ, Space, Milo, Kris and Vinnie) four of you only do so because I beg you and the other one has to. In the meantime, I seem to have forgotten that whole "Getting to Know You" thing that EVERYONE thinks they're required to do.
I like Road Dogg, D'Lo, The Brood, and Droz. Is it any wonder I do the Shotgun report?
Oops...Hercules is over...
TV-14 because the WWF doesn't want you watching unless you're at least 6.
The show opens with light and soft piano music. Vince is shown walking towards his limo as The Fink declares his undying love for the Doer of Evil Things. Said doer then makes The Fink cry by using the scary Satan voice. What an end to an era!
Outdated Shotgun Intro - still with no lyrics!
Tonight on Shotgun...An Era Ends...Meat takes on Joey Abs...And the formation of a Deadly Duo is deemed recap worthy. All that and more on Shotgun...Saturday Night.
You're announcers are Michael "Mr. Saturday Night"
Vince "Somebody Shoot Me in the Head Because I Just Hate You THAT
Sexual Chutney (w/ Jackie) vs. Joey Abs (w/ Rodney)
Sexual Chutney (w/ Jackie) vs. Joey Abs (w/ Rodney): GAAH! Russo says, "Who would have thunk it?" and the hair pulling starts early tonight. Pete "Gas" has three broken ribs thanks to Test. Lockup to start. Joey Abs with rights and a whip to the corner is reversed but Meat eats an elbow and then a clothesline. Abs with kicks and no actual wrestling. Announcers play up that Meat is better without Terri Runnels around. Meat is in control. He whips Abs into the ropes and hits that flying elbow that the kids love so much. Meat standing on Abs' throat. Jackie has huge boobs. Meat hits a powerslam. Meat gets a vertical suplex and tries a nonchalant cover for two. Meat gets crotched when he goes to the top rope. Joey hits a superplex and I think I've used the word "hits" enough. Joey applies (?) a sidewalk slam. Joey with the gutwrench suplex. Cole mentions his exclusive interview with Ben Stiller that airs on Superstars and I immediately see two problems with that. 1) I don't have cable. 2) Superstars was on 12 hours ago so it's a moot point anyway. Rodney has one big ass tattoo on his arm. Joey tells Rodney to get him a chair and Rodney plays the bitch and complies. The next part kills me as the ref is distracted by admonishing Rodney for bringing in a chair instead of stopping Joey from using it. Gotta love wrestling logic. Test then comes out. "Joey, Joey, Joey...Everyday somebody's got to pay. Pete "Gas" couldn't pass the test, guess who's next?" Meat hits the shitty reverse DDT...I mean Meat Grinder and wins. (Pin at 5:25). Hey, part of this match was on Heat tonight. Shotgun matters, people!
Still to come on Shotgun...Test will wrestle "later in the hour." I bet we don't see him until the last match. Bossman will face Chaz...and next an Era Ends.
The Body rules Summerslam. It's his rules or the highway, you know.
Shotgun Saturday Night is brought to you by Fram, WWF: The Music Volume 3 and Starburst HARD Candy.
Let's take you back to Fully Loaded: Still photos really try and tell you that you should have bought the PPV instead of watching still photos on syndicated television. Austin is still champ, by the way. Thanks in no small part to X-Pac and a TV camera. The next night on RAW McMahon wanted us to know he will miss each and every one of you. Except you...you're ugly. Glass broke and Austin ties everything together in a nice little package by having JR sing that ditty about saying good bye. Vince gives us the final bird...or was it? Of course none of the JR stuff or McMahon's finger flipping are shown because that's what happens when I write stuff before I actually see it. We learn that Shane will break his silence on RAW this Monday.
Still to come...A Deadly Duo begins their reign of terror...Stephanie's main man is in action...And Chaz takes on Bossman.
Even on fast-forward that guy in the Starburst commercials is still annoying.
The Coast Guard Rescue of the Week had D'Lo Brown (the best damn wrestler EVER) saving Ben Stiller from Double J's figure four and then Debra's huge breasts. D'Lo Brown still fucking rules. I want his t-shirt.
The Big Bossman (Hardcore Champion) vs. Chaz (w/ the lovely Marianna): Okay. I get it. Chaz just wants to have fun while being a kid from New Jersey. SHUT UP, ALREADY! Bossman will be on Superstars talking about being on America's Most Wanted where he talked about being a bank robber. Cole again shills his interview with Ben Stiller and Russo again asks if Cole thinks he's the WWF's answer to Barbara Walters. If anyone ever meets Russo please punch him in the stomach for me. This is a non-title match but I bet that Bossman wins anyway. Chaz starts with a waistlock and then takes Bossman down from behind. Bossman gets up and lets out his frustration by jumping up and down. Chaz makes fun of him by doing his monkey dance. Bossman charges and Chaz gets the fireman's carry and goes for the cover for a one count. Bossman with the eye gouge and immediately begins to not wrestle. Chaz runs into a big boot. Bossman still brawling (read: not wrestling). PRONOUNCE YOUR DAMN "R's," RUSSO!! Chaz manages a weak cross body but Bossman manages his weak Bossman Slam. (Pin at 3:02). Bossman threatens to handcuff and pummel Marianna but remembers that Macho Man got a World Championship for something like that. Instead Bossman decides to handcuff and pummel Chaz. Fun!
Still to come...That Demonic/Deadly Duo...And Test is up next. Looks like I was wrong.
It takes a lot to be a champion...But all it takes is $16.00 with $5.00 shipping and handling to wear the belt. They're $15.00 at live events. I took my old school belt and made it a Hardcore championship. Is that wrong?
RAW is POND. September 13, 1999.
Countdown to the Millennium - 214:28:37 and counting...37, eh? Any loyal View-Askewer who can name that reference gets a picture of Keep-Squeezin'-Them-Monkeys Lad.
This Is Only A Test ("Cram Session") vs. Lou Marconi ("Ready for Action"): Gotta love them crazy Shotgun graphics. Russo: "Millennium means only one thing and that's the dawning of a new day. Now I don't know what that means but with Mr. McMahon leaving does that mean that somebody else is gonna take over the helm of the WWF?" Me: "SHUTUP!" Marconi tries valiantly to shoulderblock Test but to no avail. Test hits a neckbreaker. After some whips into the corners by Marconi Test hits the Rolling Side Russian Legsweeps followed up by a DDT. Gutwrench powerbomb and Test tells Marconi to get up. Marconi, being an idiot does. Test clotheslines Marconi. Meltdown by Test...sigh...Big elbow by Test. (Pin at about 1:00). Why isn't the Meltdown a good enough finisher for Test?
Still to come...Deadly Duo stuff...
WWF Action Figures...Hardcore Figures for Hardcore Fans...Triple H's "Playtime's OVER!!" isn't as funny when it's not for the Maximum Sweat guys.
Chef Boyardee presents Summerslam...Or as they like to say, "Getting' Summerslammy with it!"
Let's take you back to RAW: Undertaker beats on X-Pac no worse than X-Pac usually gets beat on. Kane fixes to show Undertaker how to wrestle but the Da Big Show says, "No." A handshake seals the deal. They are together. Kane lets out the Klingon Death Yell even though X-Pac isn't dead. X-Pac is taken to the hospital while Kane stands there looking skinny. Kane got a match with UT and Da Big Show because, God help him, he's just not that bright. Kane proceeds to show Wight and UT how a big man SHOULD keep in shape. For some reason Kane's Enziguri isn't shown. Kane wins by DQ after the chair-tap. My favorite wrestler of ALL TIME comes out to help Kane but got chokeslammed, bless his Road Doggy heart. Wight huffs and puffs despite having worked for less than 5 minutes. Then to get me to laugh at him more Wight gets absolutely no height on his elbow. Undertaker and Da Big Show should explain themselves on Heat...even though I've seen Heat and no actual explanation was given.
Nothing happens during the commercial break so I sit there for a few seconds before I realize I have a fast forward button.
Let's take you back to Fully Loaded: The Rock and Triple H put on an entertaining match but failed to really wrestle until Bob Gunn ran in to tell the Rock that he sucks. Rock replies with, "No, you suck and you wear a visible leather nutcup making you suck even more." It's amazing how I can gather all of this from still photos. Dollars gets you donuts that that "Bob"-by Club will be incorporated into the match at Summerslam. Helmsley wins the match and is going to meet Stone Cold at Summerslam. Did you know that Jesse Ventura will be there?
Let's take you back to RAW: Where Triple H said the same thing over and over and over again until...wait...he wanted to say it just one more time. He is the game! H punches JR at ringside, which brings out Stone Cold because he is, after all, JR's boy. What's funny about that segment is that Stone Cold runs all the way down to the ring to take out Triple H but goes out of his way to just shove down Chyna for good measure. Punches galore! Fun!
Mideon ("Ministry Mauler") vs. Sean Casey ("At the Bat"): Excuse me while I whore a line from CRZ (There! I put the sacred letters in 3 times. Do I meet my quota?): PRETZELS! (Pin at 3:05)
Shotgun is brought to you by 1-800-Call-ATT, Castrol GTX, and wavesmusic.com
Tomorrow (heh) on Heat: UT and Big Show will...speak! As will Double J.
Monday on RAW: Shane...speaks! Hopefully people...wrestle!
How is it I still manage to stay up for Shotgun when I record it?
Remember...You can win a picture of Keep-Squeezin'-Them-Monkeys Lad. I'll post the winners (if any)next week.