No...*I* didn't write "Wrestling Jesus," either.

You are watch...

One TV-PG-DLV World Leader Attitude - WWF!

LAST MONDAY: Mick Mick Mick!

Opening Credits - "You are watching SmackDown! / You are watching UPN / You are watching SmackDown! / These probably aren't the lyrics"

FIREWORKS! SIGNS! It MUST be WWF SmackDown! We're at the Allstate Arena in Chicago, IL 13.1.2K (but taped 11.1) and BET - YOU ARE IN GOOD HANDS!

TREBLE H & STEPHANIE ONO walk to the ring and I'm guessing we'll have a few words from the WWF Champion as the commentators talk about "a major reconstruction" needed of DX by Triple H. But first, this "asshole" chant. Steph: "First of all...we'd like to clear up a misunderstanding." H makes some faces at the crowd to rile 'em up further. "As it pertains to Monday Night on RAW, no World Wrestling Federation superstars are leaving this company. Triple H and I have righted the wrong, and (as always) we've dealt with things in a very fair manner. Now, we're a little bit confused, because we don't understand why any one of you would ever threaten to leave; I mean, you can always talk to us. We're - our - our doors are always open - we're - we're fair! But there is one thing to remeber. There is only ONE McMahon running this company right now. And that's ME - Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. And I just happen to be married to the World Wrestling Federation champion - THE GAME - TRIPLE H!" "Now, you know after Monday...after Monday, I can't help but feel the need to, to come out here and apologise. To humbly stand before people and just say 'hey, I'm sorry. I apologise.' Not to any of you! And certainly not to any of the fifty ingrates that surrounded this ring threatening to walk. Because those fifty people do not understand the sacrifice that the two of us put out each and every week for them. We are their leaders - for them, and I am their, and I am YOUR World Wrestling Federation champion - for YOU! So I make no apologies to you - but I do make apologies to DX. I was wrong - we all made mistakes, and I tried to fix those mistakes with tough love. I did to you as I would have you do to me, I showed you tough love, and you showed me tough love back. Dogg, Billy, X-Pac, Monday night - when you walked out on me, you showed me tough love, and you made me realise the era of MY ways. So now I'm here to apologise to you, and not only apologise but to right the wrong. Tonight, I will show you just how sorry I am. And I will start with the Outlaws. Dogg, Billy - tonight, I will make a match - this is kinda good and bad, but bear with me for a second, because tonight, In This Very Ring, the two of you...will face...in a Handicap match - Bradshaw of the Acolytes! No disqualification, and if Faarooq interferes in the match, the Acolytes lose their shot at the tag titles at the Rumble. Now for the bad, I do feel sorry about this, but you're gonna have to work twice tonight - you're gonna have to get in this ring twice, because when you finish THAT match, you'll have to come back out here and face (in a Handicap match) Faarooq of the Acolytes in a no DQ match, and if Bradshaw interferes, the Acolytes will lose their shot at the tag team titles at the Rumble. Now X-Pac, you and I have been the tightest. Kid, you're like a brother to me, so you and I are gonna get in this ring tonight, together. We're gonna stand side-by-side and we are gonna take on ... the Big Show...and the Rock. Now, as for Mick Foley...as for Mankind...if Monday, you thought you had me backed against a wall - sorry, but you were wrong. Monday, Mick Foley, I beat you in the centre of this ring one, two, three, and I left you laying in a puddle of your own blood. Now Mick Foley, at the Rumble in New York City - what you experienced Monday is gonna just be a small taste of what you will receive at the Rumble. Mick Foley, your blood will stain New York City - I promise you that - and I will beat you worse than you have ever been beaten in your entire life! But...Mick, I know you're in the back - I know you're here. After all, we so ever graciously reinstated you. So, Mick, I'll tell you what. I've got nowhere to go, I've got nowhere special to be. So if you got the guts, we don't have to wait 'til the Rumble, why don't you bring it down here right now...and I will finish what I started Monday! Come on, show some o' that ... testicular forititude you always talking about and make the walk into the ring with The Game...let's get it done!" The music plays and out comes...well...it's a wide view...is it...nope. It's the FAUX MANKIND. He..."wrests" the mic from Helmsley. "First things first...I'd just like to say that I'm sorry you had to kick my butt last Monday on RAW, and I'm sorry that you're probably the greatest wrestler I've ever seen, watched or thought about my entire life - and I'd just like to apologise, Triple H, because every time I see you, it just makes me feel more pathetic." "You're the most pathetic person I have ever met in my life." "You know something, I've been pathetic for my whole life, especially for the last couple of weeks, and - I tell you what, I'm kinda gettin' to like it!" The music plays AGAIN here, and ...well, there's the real MANKIND, his shirt still bloodied from Monday. "Triple H - that is ENOUGH!" "Foley" chant from the crowd. "Is this what you get off on? Making fun of me - how much more do you want from me? First...you take away my job - then you bring this idiot out there, and you take away my dignity. Then, Monday night, in what should have been the greatest night of my life when I was reinstated on RAW is WAR, you take me, and you ruin my shirt, and you ruin my face, and I'll be honest, when I stepped into that shower and I let the cold water run down on my head, and I look down on that blood as it swirled around in that shower drain, I started thinking a little bit about what Mankind was. Now, Mankind - is an entertaining son of a gun; Mankind - is a pretty damn good author; Mankind - is one tough SOB. And Mankind is one hell of a fighter. So it saddens me to say that after the beating you gave me on Monday night, one thing Mankind is not is ready to face you in a street fight at the Royal Rumble in Madison Square Garden. Because you are, without a doubt, The Game. You are the best in the business right now...and as you said, well, Mankind in some ways is nothing more than a beaten up, pathetic fool, but I think the WWF fans deserve a substitute in that match...what I'm gonna do, Triple H, is I'm gonna name him right now, as a matter of fact, I think you know the guy..." He removes the mask and shirt and tie...to reveal a familiar T-shirt. "...and I think you know him pretty damn well - his name is CACTUS JACK! And his first official act, as part of the WWF, is to kick your teeth all over the city of Chicago!" He rushes the ring, which clears of all but Triple H. Jack all over H - but the fake Mankind comes back in with the chair. WHACK! No effect - Jack turns around and takes it to Mankind while Triple H flees. Mankind out of the ring - baseball slide dropkick takes him over the commentary table. Jack on the ring with the chair - running off the apron into Mankind on the table! Bangbang! For the first time in quite a while, Jack's music plays - then stops - as he has the mic again. "Triple H - at the Royal Rumble - you're gonna make me bleed? I've got some news for you - it will not be the first time, and it sure as hell will not be the last, because I've got an awful lot of blood to give! But as far as you - you look into my eyes and realise I mean every word when I tell you I'm gonna tear you apart in New York City! And then...I will take what you hold dearest - I'm talking about your cherished WWF championship belt - I will take it - and it will be MINE - MINE - ALL MINE! Bangbang!" It's weird. He IS Cactus Jack again. It was that quick.

Holy cow, is it REALY 25 after already?

Mankind invades Manhattan - with Chef Boyardee Overstuffed beef ravioli! Seems a little weird to see this after Cactus Jack appeared...

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - chair across the back - double bang - Jack's gonna take the cherished WWF championship belt - his - his - all his - bangbang.

NEW AGE OUTLAWS v. ACOLYTE BRADSHAW in a Handicap no DQ match - the Outlaws are heels, right? I can't tell from the big singalong before the match starts...and Dogg ain't no poet - don't you know it. Bradshaw brings a handful of powder to blind the Dogg, them pulls out Mr. Ass into the STEEL steps. In the ring, big boot. Clothesline takes Road Dogg to the outside. Immediately over the commentary table we go - Ass over but Bradshaw takes HIM to the table. Rolled in the ring - STEEL steps thrown in the ring! Kick, Bradshaw climbs the steps - but Dogg WHACKS him with a chair to prevent the piledriver. Backdrop from Ass. Dogg takes Bradshaw into the STEEL steps held by ass. Double stompdown on Bradshaw. Choke from the Dogg. Ass calling a spot - head to the STEEL again. WHACK to the back from the Dogg. Double whip into the ropes, double head down, Bradshaw with a flurry on both men - Dogg with a DDT to stop it. Gunn laying in with rights while Dogg goes for the chair again. Head into the turnbuckle. Rights aplenty. Dogg ready with the chair - but Bradshaw puts up a boot. Caught Gunn's splash - but before he can plant him, Dogg puts the chair on the noodle - Gunn falls on him in the cover. 1, 2, 3. (3:00)

JONATHAN COACHMAN tries to ask a question of the Rock - but is forced to talk to the hand. "Finally, the Rock has come back to Chicago!" Coachman tries to ask again - nope. "Before you ask the Rock any questions, the Rock has got a question of his own. Who... are you?" Coachman fails to answer - he *knows* THIS routine. "It's okay - you can answer the Rock." "Well, Rock - if it matters - my name is Jonathan Coachman." "Jonathan - well that's interesting. Well, Jonathan, welcome to the WWF, and welcome to the Rock's show - SmackDown!" "Well, thank you Rock, but actually, they call me Coach for short." "They call you what?" "They call-they call me Coach." "Coach? Coach as in 'the Coach of the little girls' softball team?' Coach?" The hand goes up again. "Ask the Rock your question." "How do you feel about teaming with the Big Show tonight on SmackDown!?" "Well, the Rock feels like this: Teaming up with Big Show or teaming up with Big Bird, the Rock's tag team partner just doesn't matter to the Rock, as long as the Rock gets to Triple H - but - seeing as the Big Show is the Rock's partner, what better partner would the Rock want to have? The Big Show: seven feet. The Big Show: 500 pounds. The Big Show: former WWF Champion. So the Rock is cool with that, but the Rock has one more question for you. How is it that, uh, you came up the name Coach?" "Well, actually, when I was a little kid it was a nickname..." "IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW YOU CAME UP WITH THE NAME COACH!" Coachman dutifully cowers before the mighty presence of the Rock, the dominant dog. "...if ya smell what the Rock is cookin'."

SmackDown! is brought to you by WWF: The Music (Volume 4 - buy it at Disc Jockey), Western Union Money Transfer and phonefree.com!

TOO COOL & RIKISHI PHATU (with abbreviated entrance, PLUS, ironically, SmackDown! is brought to you by... - CRZ 3, Ray 0) v. HOLLYS (with Scale Holly) & AL SNOW (with Head) - I'm gonna go out on a limb and predict Snow will go nuts, beat up and piss off the Hollys when it's all said and done. Let Us Take You Back to RAW when Chyna took the loss when she and Jericho took on the Hollys - with just a little help from the short arms of Jericho. For the first time in quite a while, Snow is "J.O.B. Squad" clothing free - don't worry, he's not NEKKID or anything - he's got all black tonight. Hardcore Holly, incidentally, is a former J.O.B. Squad member - what do you MEAN you don't care that you'd forgotten that? Where's your sense of heritage - of the rich history that is the World Wrestling Federation? The many, many elements ROBUSTLY combining to weave a tapestry of...TRADITION! If we cannot remember the past, we are doomed to repeat -- wait a minute! Holly and Snow ARE repeating history! They're both teaming up - to job - once again! MY GOD! Quick, call your parents RIGHT NOW and tell them that you love them - because who knows WHAT'S going to happen next! Oops, I appear to have missed the match while I was droning on - Phatu with the sitout piledriver on Crash for the pin. (4:17) Post match, Snow wallops the Hollys with Head and lays 'em out, then rants and raves to nobody in particular. "You let me down! All I want is one partner I can count on! I can't take this anymore!" Phatu ready to go out after him - but Grand Master Sexay stops him and puts on the glasses. Because NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE!

Back in the office, the Helmsleys congratulate the Outlaws - "one down, one to go." "Hey, you guys seen X-Pac?" Hmmm...

Let Us Take a Special Video Look at Cactus Jack, in a clip entitled "Japan: Barbed Wire & Bombs) complete with barbed wires, burning chairs, and bed of nails. Somebody must have tipped off somebody to prepare this video package - they couldn't have just whipped it up in fifty minutes!!

GANGREL (with Luna Tunes, a ring o' far and an abbreviated entrance) v. TEST - Radio WWF RETURNS courtesy Westwood One! Saturday, 22 January from 8-10 Eastern. Let Us Take You Back to Monday and show you how Test did with the Big Show against the Big Bossman and Prince Albert. Here we go, lockup, Gangrel with a waistlock, to the ropes, Test shakes him off. Clothesline ducked, shouldberblock from Test. Right, right, whip into the opposite corne, boots up, Gangrel ducks a clothesline - gutshot, belly to belly, and he throws Test outside. Luna promptly comes over to use the boots and the nails. Back in the ring, Gangrel with a slam, elbowdrop off the ropes, another, 1, nope. Test with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, big boot off the ropes, off the ropes, reversed, head down, kick from Test, gutwrench, slam, but referee "Blind" Teddy Long is over to deal with Luna and doesn't make the count. Gangrel with a small package for 2. Test with a right, right, into the corner, Gangrel puts up an elbow, cover, feet on the ropes, but still only getting two. Test ducks a clothesline and hits Uncle Slam! 1, 2, Luna pulls out Long. Long takes umbrage, Luna clotheslines him. Ha! Take that, Peanuthead! In the ring, Gangrel tries a clothesline, but Test ducks it. Belly to belly by Test. Luna is in and on Test's back. Test takes Luna and starts to spank her, but Gangrel is back over and now it's doubleteam time. Long's finally come to and he calls for the bell. (DQ 2:18) Meanwhile, Luna's got the mask off. Test with a clothesline on Gangrel. Luna trying to attack - Test slams her with a Meltdown, then slams Gangrel again for good measure. Top rope elbow! Play his music!

Backstage, Jericho, Chyna and Kat are standing around. Chyna says she wants Jericho to know that regarding Monday, she's not upset - if she'd done something to upset him, she's sorry. She'd really like to let bygones be bygones and make this thing work. "No more of these crazy headgames?" There's a handshake. Jericho says it was big of Chyna to admit she was wrong, and yeah, they CAN do this. As Chyna walks off, Jericho thinks to himself, "gosh! She really HAS changed!" while the rest of us scream at the TV, "DON'T *FALL* FOR IT, YOU FOOL!"

WWF Slam Cam ad. Who's that blonde chick with the legs? I don't know, but Big Bossman says she's "Awesome!"

...ing UPN!

Earlier Tonight, what the hell were YOU watching if you missed the stunning (kinda) return of Cactus Jack?

HARDY BOYZ (with Nipples & TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. BIG BOSSMAN & PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN - Albert strikes first - chops, kicks, shoulder drives, choke, back in the corner, words for referee "Blind" Mike Chioda, back to Jeff Hardy, whip inoto the opposite corner, Hardy goes up but Albert catches him on his shoulder, but Jardy pushes him off and dropkicks the back. Tag to Matt - they send Albert into the rope, double back elbow, tandem flippy flippy, 2 count. Why's the crowd calling Albert "Harry?" Oh wait, maybe they mean he's "Hairy!" Yuk yuk yuk! That's one funny crowd? What? They're really chanting "Terri?" Oh. Never mind. Albert catches Matt off the ropes and drops him on the top rope. Got him in the Rack - spinning around, and dropping him in a neckbreaker. Tag to Bossman. Beals him by the head - sorta. On the second rope - there's the Bossman straddle. There's the baseball slide out, but instead of punching Matt, he grabs *Terri* - Jeff runs over and hits him from behind to stop that. Back in the ring - powerbomb coming up - but YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB MATT HARDY! Gutshot, neckbreaker that Cole tells us is called the "Twist of Fate." Who will make the tag? Hardy will - and it's a hot tag! Jeff all over the Bossman - dropkick in the corner. Albert is in, but Jeff's got eyes in the back of his head - he steps aside and Albert splashes BOSSMAN instead. Matt's in now - both men send Albert into the corner - there's the all fours assisted side kick on Albert. Matt in position in the other corner - al fours assisted splash - but Bossman catches him and slams him down. Albert hits his bicylce kick on Matt, who lands in the lap of Bossman, who takes him down. And now Bossman wants a few words with Albert, and Albert's gonna have 'em right back. Matt on all fours again - Jeff decides one more move off his brother's back would work here, and hits a dropkick to Bossman - there's a collision, and Bosman falls backward into a rollup from Jeff for the 1, 2, 3. (3:25) Bossman back in and both Hardys are quickly taken down. Now outside, *Bossman and Albert* are fighting! Terri and the Hardys take off as the REFS & OFFICIALS come out to try to separate them. Let's leave this and head over to

"Earlier Tonight," LILIAN GARCIA caught up with the Big Show. He'e excited about tonight. He's the only former WWF Champion who's never received a rematch. Tonight he gets his hands on Triple H - also he gets his hands on X-Pac to get a little revenge for that pinfall he suffered a few weeks back. Moving to another subject - he takes offense at the Rock calling everyone around the ring a bunch of jabrones. See, HE'S gonna win the Rumble, and Rocky's got another thing coming if he thinks he's gonna toss the Big Show over the top rope - he's gonna throw the Rock into the seventh row. But he's also a professional, and if he's supposed to tag with the Rock tonight, then that's what he'll do. "But make no mistake, Lilian - I...don't..like...the Rock." Hmmm, is that a heel turn? Can you cross the Rock and still be a face? Well, hell, with ME you can! Go go big show!

WWF on DVD ad

Chyna catches up with Tori in the halls - she's got something sorta bad to tell her...oh oh, I smell shenanigans!

1-800-COLLECT presents the 2000 Rumble Royale - on PPV!

OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE, AMERICAN HERO, SNAPPY DRESSER, DEBATE CHAMPION, PRESIDENT OF THE FRENCH CLUB, JURY FOREMAN AND MR. TAMBOURINE MAN KURT ANGLE & STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) v. EDGE (you think?) & CHRISTIAN (with PPV sponsored by) - Angle's mic segment (I'm assuming he had one) is cut. Edge and Blackman start. Lockup, go behind, back elbow from Blackman, off the ropes, Edge slides under, ducks, catches the foot when he attempts a kick, and dropkicks him. Right hand, right, out of the corner, reversed, gutshot, hairpull, face slammed to the mat. Blackman with a Paul Roma-esque jump onto the second turnbuckle - elbowdrop misses - that's also Roma-esque, ha. Dropkick from Edge, tag, Edge on all fours following the whip - there's a boosted crossbody for 2. Blackman with a knee and an elbow, and tags Angle in. Angle runs and Christian and ends up in an hip toss. Dropkick by Christian. Right hand, one for Blackman. Running at Angle, but he ducks it and Christian slides into the post. Angle kicks on Christian, then goads Edge into the ring, distracting referee "Blind" Chad Patten while Blackman takes care of Christian on the outside - back to the post, bodyslam on the floor. Angle goes outside to get him and brings him back in. Head to the buckle, right, suplex, 2. Rear chinlock - Edge trying to rally the crowd. Christian elbows out - into the ropes is reversed, Angle runs at Christian but ends up hitting his head. Angle shakes off the daze, but Christian reverses the fireman's carry attempt into a Slop Drop. Who will make the tag? Well, both men. Edge cleaning house, spinning heel kick on Blackman. Over with a shot on Angle, but he turns back into a Lethal Kick from Blackman! Before he can capitalise on it, BALD VENIS appears on the OvalTron (to the right of the stage) with a kendo stick. "Hello, Blackman! You weren't planning on using weapons like this on my future brother-in-law now, were you?" Blackman, spellbound, stares at the screen until Christian can hit a top-rope dropkick into Edge's belly-to-back suplex and score the pinfall. (3:36) Post-match, Angle (quite properly) berates Blackman for allowing his mind to wander.

Chyna tells Tori that all Chris Jericho talks about is a fantasy he's had involving her and a flight attendant's uniform - and adding new positions to the Kama Sutra. Tori gets worked into a suitable lather, then runs off - but not before Chyna says if she's gonna tell Kane, and Kane will probably want to beat up Jericho, she might want to have Kane take him on within the framework of a match (nontitle of course). Tori runs off and Chyna gives us an "I'm so clever" look which just doesn't work as well with that sparkly eye shadow - but that's just MODO.

WOW! Tia Carrere's gonna get NEKKID on "Relic Hunter!" I'm STILL gonna miss it...

Here's a Special Video Look at Cactus Jack - "Dumpster Divin'" From RAW, Cactus Jack leaps off the TitanTron into a dumpster - then the New Age Outlaws push the dumpster off the stage. Say, wasn't there another guy in that dumpster at the time? I wonder....I wonder who that guy was. I wonder whatever happened to him. See elsewhere for a critique of the use of plastic peanuts in this bit.

NEW AGE OUTLAWS v. ACOLYTE FAAROOQ in a Handicap no DQ match - Faarooq tries to sneak in while Dogg does the half of his shtick he didn't do in the first match, but it fails. Is it just me or are a lot of people in the audience going out for snax ? Into the corner, I punch, you punch, repeat. Gunn whips, Faarooq reverses, Gunn puts the boots up. Dogg waggles his knees while Gunn tries a clothesline, but Faarooq ducks and powerslams him. Dogg turns around - spinebuster for you. Dogg pushes him into this partner - belly-to-back suplex. Off the ropes, double shoulderblock by Faarooq. Setting up the Dogg for the Dominator, but Mr. Ass pulls Dogg's feet down for the escape. Gutshot, jackhammer, Road Dogg with the wiggly wobbly wootly kneedrop, double cover, pin. (1:14) ACOLYTE BRADSHAW runs out after the match is over brandishing a lead pipe. He actually gets Road Dogg once before the Outlaws make their escape - stopping on the ramp to look back and gloat about their 2-0 record tonight. We quickly cut out...got a lot of show left, and not much time!

(But...time enough to shill the Rock's book, a T-shirt, and a $44.95 "deal")

The Helmsleys again congratulate the Outlaws. Again X-Pac's whereabouts are questioned - and again...nobody knows...

GODFATHER & D'LO BROWN (with sixteen - no, eight ho's) v. HEAD BANGERS (with a special message from the Orange Glow - things are about to change - survive - survive) - Brown now has a vest, hat, glasses, necklace AND cigar - is this starting to become a regular gig for him? "Hey! Man, what is goin' on with you guys, man, one week you dress like women, you got skirts on, man, I gotta know, man, what's going on in your minds, man, are you all there?" Wow, he just set a record for the number of times the word "man" is said. Mosh: "The problem's not with what we're wearin' - the problem's with you, is 'cause you're a little upset that we look a whole lot better than your trolls do. So why don't you get your trolls out so we can get funky in here?" Mosh jumps Brown while everybody watches the ladies exit. Brown comes back with a crossbody off the second rope. Side kick, Thrasher in, heel kick to him. Godfather tagged in, open kick, off the ropes, duck, Mosh hangs onto the ropes and makes the tag. The Godfather, you may have heard, its a fun loving guy who loves to have fun. Duck, rights and left, lariat, scoop - and a slam. Off the ropes, Godfather rotates for no reason, and drops the leg. Tag to D'Lo - into the ropes, double gutshot, double suplex. Brown ready - Thrasher ducks, Mosh with the distracting blow, Thrasher takes him out, Mosh takes him to the apron. Back in the ring, quick tag, off the ropes, pressed up - and dropped down - by both Bangers. Mosh with a right. Into the corner, Brown steps aside of the charge, there's a back suplex. Both men down - who will make the tag? Crowd doesn't care - they're too busy giving the ho's the wolf whistle! Each man tags. Godfather is ON FIRE! Godfather takes Mosh out of the ring with a clothesline. Thrasher whipped into the corner, and it's time once again. Following the splash, there's the tag to Brown - splash de rana, uno, dos, tres. (3:07)

Jonathan Coachman stands with the Rock and the Big Show. "Well, the Rock says--" "Listen, I don't give a DAMN about what the Rock has to say...I've told everybody before, and now I'm telling you straight to your face, Rock - I - don't - like - you. The only thing I need you to do tonight is to be my partner, stand on the ring apron, raise your pretty little eyebrow, and STAY OUT OF MY WAY." Show punctuating his final words with the finger poke. Rock ponders this as the Show disappears, then says that the Big Show may be a lot of things, but one thing he is not is the People's...Champion. Tonight, Rock will be an equal opportunist - Triple H gets the back of his hand, and X-Pac gets the front - he layeth that smack down, if you smell...hey, wait, he said that already!

Also, I've already seen this Chef Boyardee ad tonight

Let Us Take a Special Video Look at Cactus Jack - "King of Hardcore" sees a compilation of clips from the Cactus Jack vs. Mideon & Viscera handicap hardcore match

Y2KANE (with Tori) v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO in a nontitle match - "Kane, first of all, I have no problems wrestling you, but I realise that Tori is your girlfriend and you belive everything she says. But in this case, she's a liar! I mean, I don't mean she's a liar - what I mean is...this is all Chyna's doing - I saw what she was pulling on the monitor. She's trying to cause trouble between us - I don't want that. Believe me from the bottom of my heart when I tell you there is nothing even REMOTELY attractive about Tori to me - no no no, I don't mean that - I don't mean that - I mean, you'd have to be half-retarded to think about her that way. Not that you're retarded! Or I mean - nobody's retarded! But, she's just not my type. I like prettier girls, I mean - no....I mean, she's not that ugly, but...what I'm trying to say is I like girls with a little more intelligence - not that she's stupid, but - Kane - face it, she's - she's no good for anybody, she's nothing but a lunatic psych-- gahh!" as Kane puts him in a choke. Now THAT'S funny. Jericho kicks out of the choke, elbows, off the ropes, ducks the clothesline, but not the tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Backstage we see Chyna and Kat laughing like little girls - which, when you think about it...nah. I don't think I'm big on that shade of lipstick, either. Sorry. Head to the buckle. Kane uppercuts. Whip into the opposite corner, Jericho puts the boots up. UP and over, duck, flying jalapeno, kick, kick, Kane reverses the attempt - elevator down. Did I hear the crowd chanting "Let's Go Jericho?" Kane on the top rope - flying clothesline! Jericho rolls to the outside. Kane climbs over the top rope - runs, dives off the steps - but Jericho ducks it and Kane krashes. Jericho using the knees, uppercut by Kane. Back in the ring we go - Jericho manages a hot shot on the top rope but it doesn't faze the big man - but a top turnbuckle dropkick does! Back on his feet - baseball slide dropkick misses - Kane with the right hand. Head to the STEEL steps. Kane now picking up the top half of the steps - but he misses Jericho and hits the post instead. Jericho manages a drop toehold (or, if you're Cole, a "leg sweep") into the bottom half of the steps. Back in the ring, another nice missile dropkick from Jericho. He's trying to lock in the Walls of Jericho, but THAT SLUT CHYNA & ERNEST MILLER are out, all smiles and tee hees. This distraction is just enough for Kane to get Jericho in the choke - chokeslam, thumb crosses throat, tombstone. 1, 2, 3. (3:21) Kat runs to the ring, nabs the intercontinental title belt, and runs back to Chyna with it. I saw those breasts once - for one second - they were small 'n' perky!

The Helmsleys tell X-Pac (who's finally shown up) that they're sorry. X-Pac accepts Hunter's, but laughs at Stephanie's. X-Pac says yeah, it's been great for the Outlaws tonight - but they've been two one one. For him, it's the same damn thing - X-Pac going out to get whupped on by the Big Show and the Rock. Hunter says it's not gonna be like that - they're together! "You've got to trust me on this." "Stephanie: "Trust us." Helmsley: "Trust....me." And X-Pac just might be trusting him...on the other side of this set of commercials...

Oh, man! "Battle Dome!" Ferral on the bench at the bottom of the barrel!

The WWF Slam-of-the-Week (brought to you by 1-800-COL-LECT) is Triple H's Pedigree on the commentary table of Mankind - demolishing not only the table, but a bit of Mick Foley as well...

TREBLE H & X-PAC (with Stephanie Ono) v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & LA ROCA - Are you ready? The first team comes out to the DX theme - thank heaven for small favours, I don't think I've heard the dying swallows but once tonight! Stephanie's got all the rhythm of the Caucasian race behind her attempts to chop her crotch in time with the "X" pyrotechnics. Triple H has THE STICK. "Now, ah, let me make a guess there, Butterball - who's gonna walk through there next?" Hey, TONY CHIMEL cuts quite a handsome figure, you leave him alone! "I got a feeling I know, because ah, the way I see it, there's no way that the Rock is gonna walk out here next 'cause with an ego as big as his, he's gotta come down...LAAAAAST, he's gotta make the big impression, get the big pop, right? So, let me see - that leaves the man that Rock called...a JABRONE." Music: "Welllll......" Hunter laughs, and that's actually pretty funny - and clever! Planting the seeds 'n' all. He musta learned how to do that from Chyna, right? Anyway, out comes the Rock, right on cue - and right AFTER his partner. Show wants to start and Rock's not exactly thrilled. Triple H starts on the other side. H taken into the corner - Show laying in with kicks. H ducks out and reverses - but Show absorbs the blows and headbutts back. Into another corner - kicking away, into the opposite corner, sidewalk slam coming out. Rock reaching for the tag - Show refuses. Clubbing blow - X-Pac in, Show tosses him into Helmsley and splashses both of them. Beal of X-Pac - beal of Helmsley. Rock wants the tag, nope. Off the ropes, facebuster by Helmsley. Off the ropes, powerslam. Big Show motioning for it, but Rock reaches over and makes a blind tag. Rock cleans house on both men - X-Pac thrown over the top rope. Spinebuster on Triple H. Time for the People's Elbow - but X-Pac uses a chair on Rock as he runs the ropes. Unfortunately, Big Show was distracting referee "Blind" Tim White, who missed it. Clothesline by Triple H. Tag to X-Pac. Beaten down in the corner - ready for the broncobuster, but Rock pops up and clothesline him. X-Pac DOES manage the spinning heel kick, however - and gets a 2 count. Tag to H. Right hand. Head to the turnbuckle, seven (I think) kicks, blatant choke - White really getting on him to break - staredown - H turns back around to find himself on the wrong end of a Rock flurry. Off the ropes - duck - double clothesline - and both men go down. Who will make the tag? Would Rock even make the tag? White putting on the count - up to 7 - Big Show over to complain about X-Pac trying to illegally get in the ring - unfortunately, walking away from his corner just as Rock was ready to reach for the tag. Helmsley brings him back down again. Tag to X-Pac open knife-edge chop, and another. X-Pac putting Rock in the corner, there's the patented series of three kicks. Tag to Triple H - textbook vertical suplex for 2. Rock firing back with rights, blows traded, more from the Rock, knee from Triple H, reversal, DDT from the Rock. Again both men are down. Rock ready to tag...but at the last moment, Big Show PULLS HIS HAND AWAY! Cole: "The Big Show just DISSED the Rock!" Show taunts him with "Come on Rock! Come on Rocky!" He's halfway down the steps. Ha! Big Show's cool with me, anyway. Helmsley from behind with a Golota on the distracted Rock. Gutshot, Pedigree - 1, 2, 3! (6:27) Here's a replay - and now back in real-time, Show is on the staggered Rock with ahhhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAAM! Wow! PLAY HIS MUSIC! Show walks off as the credits appear - and we're out.

Quick, turn to MSNBC - Vince McMahon is on "Headliners and Legends!" Oh, wait, they've played this one about a dozen times already, haven't they? Yawn.