KINGS UPDATE: Due to continuing coverage of Gloria Trevi's capture, I completely forgot to tell you last week that Sacramento defeated the defending NBA Champions! Big deal! This week the Kings continue their winning ways - the win streak is at seven, and the Kings are an unbelievable 25-12! (3rd place, 6.5 GB)

TONIGHT: What kind of devious deviousness does Cactus Jack have planned for The Game? SmackDown! is NEXT!

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The Helmsleys welcome the rest of DX to Providence. H congratulates the Outlaws for "destroying" the Acolytes on Monday, so tonight, they'll get the night off. The DX'ers celebrate, until X-Pac learns he DOESN'T get the night off - he'll be wrestling Test tonight. 'Pac starts to protest until Helmsley tells him that the names have been drawn, and the winner of this matchup will draw #30 in the Rumble match. X-Pac digs that. As for Cactus Jack, he apparently isn't here due to "family illness," we are told. You buy that?

Opening Credits

PYRO IS TAPE from Providence, RI and the notorious Providence Civic Center 20.1.99 (but taped 18.1) and after telling us the big PPV is only three days away, Cole repeats *everything* we just heard in the opening! The Outlaws have the night off and Cactus Jack isn't around! OK! OK!

WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW, out with a smattering pyro and a healthy touch of booing from the crowd... but not from me! He's dressed in his "catburglar" getup - black jacket and black wool hat. His mom probably told him to wear it - "wear your hat or you'll catch a chill!" "Mom, who was my real father?" That "Rock E" chant shows where the crowd stands. "So I guess the first thing I should do is I probably should come out here and apologise. You know, I should apologise for not being...what you want. I should apologise for not being something I can't be. I should apologise for something I never will be." "Asshole" chant from the fickle ones. "Folks, I'm here to tell ya I'll never be the Rock. You know, you people sit here and you boo ME. You BOO me! Yet I take the time away from my family, when I'm eating dinner to sign your autographs, to shake your hands, to kiss your babies, and you boo me! Well let me tell ya - I know WHY each and every one of you boos me, and doesn't like me, and why everybody in that locker room back there doesn't like me. You wanna know why nobody likes me? Because all of you can never be seven foot two, five hundred pounds! It drives you absolutely nuts, knowing that that - that I can stand in this ring and be the most dominating force that has ever walked into the WWF. And all you can do is sit back with a sour grapes attitude and watch and boo, 'cause it's not you. Look, you guys chant 'Rocky' all the time, you're a part of that illusion too - of course you think Rocky's gonna win the Royal Rumble, don'cha? Well I gotta big news flash for ya. For him to win the Royal Rumble, he's gotta get past me. There's nobody here in the WWF that is gonna stop me at Royal Rumble - I am 7'2" - I am 500 pound - I will throw each and every one of them OVER the top rope. *I* will be the one to win. *I* will go on to WrestleMania - and *I* will get back MY WWF title! Now as far as Rocky goes, I don't like Rocky. NO, let me get that straight - I HATE Rocky! So, I'm gonna get this over with fast, I'm gonna settle my scores I think right here tonight. So if we could get Rocky to bring his eyebrow-raisin', narrow, pea-headed self down here, I will shine his pretty little head right up, take my finger, push his eyebrow up, grab him by the neck, turn him sideways, and I'm gonna stick him straight up the People's ASS!" "If ya smelll...." LA ROCA is out, go figure. I'm gonna say it again - it's downright SAD that the only reason this guy is a heel is 'cause he hates the Rock - SURELY that's not a CRIME. "Hey Rocky! You know how all these people chant for you?...you can HAVE the damn people!" After he said "Hey Rocky!" I couldn't help but think "Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!" On to what's his name: "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Providence! Let the Rock understand this, Big Show. You are 7'2", 500 pounds, former WWF Champion. One of the most physically impressive specimens the WWF has ever seen - you grab the microphone, look everybody in the eye, and you say this? [whining] 'Why are you booing me? Don't you boo me...' Oh, shut your mouth! You see, so the Rock says there's a little lesson to be learned here and that lesson is this. Big Show, you see, when you insult the Rock, when you insult the Great One, when you insult the People's Champion, you insult...the People. Now seeing as you've insulted the People, you've left the Rock with not one but two choices! The first choice is the Rock could go in the back, take off his $500 shirt, wait 'til Sunday and eliminate your big candyass to win the Royal Rumble. And then there's the...second choice. And seeing as we are here on the Rock's show (SmackDown!), the Rock figured he'd just...walk down the People's Ramp - just like this...stop in the middle, just like this - inhale the electricity from the millions - of Rock's fans...keep walkin', just like this...come up in the middle of the People's Ring, and kick your candyass all over Providence." But before he gets to the ring, the lights go out and the wall of flame alights, and THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (and Tori). "Well, well, well [she's Joel Gertner!] - egos are certainly running amuck here on SmackDown! - huge egos. You know, it's funny - you two seem to think that you are the only ones capable of winning this year's Royal Rumble, hahaha. Wow. Well, hello - hate to rain on your parade, boys - but there are 28 others who think that they are capable of winning. I'm here to inform you, there can be only one winner - and he is - the big - RED - MACHINE!" And they ALSO start to walk down the ramp. About time to hear...yup, right on cue. "1, 2, is this on?" It's the WORLD ENTRANCE FEDERATION come to life once agian as TREBLE H & STEPHANIE ONO appear at the top of the ramp. "You know, if there's one thing I hate, it's a bunch of egomaniacs. You guys stand out here puttin' yourselves over, talking a bunch of crap about I'm gonna beat you, and I'm gonna throw you over the top rope, and I'm gonna do this, and I'm gonna do that..." ["asshole" chant] "...when the fact of the matter is, you all are going Sunday to the Royal Rumble with the sole purpose of winning so you can get the chance to step into the ring at WrestleMania with The Game-uh, so that you can get a shot at the World Wrestling Federation championship. Well, I've got news for you. The winner of the Royal Rumble..." ["Cactus Jack" chant] "...for the winner of the Royal Rumble, April 2nd in Anaheim, it's gonna be a whole lot of long night, and it's gonna be one big disappointment, because I go to WrestleMania the World Wrestling Federation champ, and I leave WrestleMania The Game-uh, and I leave WrestleMania the World Wrestling Federation champion. But, since you all seem so eager to fight - since the competitive juices seem to be floating through the air tonight, I think Steph and I can accommodate you. You see, because...In That Very Ring, the three of you will compete tonighit in the first ever Triple Threat - [Steph whispers] very good- over the top rope - [Steph whispers again - let's pause for this "slut" chant] - don't talk about Tori like that [ha!] - lumberjack match, so what that will mean - for you slow people - a Triple Threat, over the top rope, lumberjack match - and, that means, that like the Royal Rumble, 27 other men will walk to that ring, and they will surround it. The three of you will enter the ring - the object - to throw your opponent over the top rope. The winner will be the last one standing in that ring. The only difference between this and the Royal Rumble - the winner doesn't get a first-class ticket to WrestleMania to get his ass kicked by me." Rock starts to talk as the Big Show walks over the top rope, leaves the ring and then waffles him from behind. YEAH! Kane and Big Show start brawling - Rock joins in - and gets pushed into the post. Rock's a big wuss! He's running away! What a pansy! He comes back with a chair - WHACK Kane - WHACK Big Show. Play Rock's music! He's MY HERO! I mean, really - what a coward. Big Show shakes off the chair shot and fumes...while Kane and Tori...stand nearby, I guess. Quick, to the next thing!

The Rumble Royale is SUNDAY! Here's a promo for ya! There WILL be blood!

Here's an exterior of the Arena...and here's an *interior* of the arena!

Remember the last time we were here? Let's Go Back 3 Months to RAW is WAR in Providence and a memorable night at the Friendly Tap. For some reason, every utterance of the word "darkie" and "boy" is edited out. Hmmm. Call me cynical, but this just seems like another crass opportunity to shunt some business Timmy White's way!

X-PAC v. TEST for #30 in the Royal Rumble in a nontitle match - Test still wearing the nose guard; I believe he's going for a record currently held by D'Lo Brown's chest protector. Lockup, Test shoves him off. X-Pac with a kick, right, right, right, mask is off, whacked with it, kick, off the ropes, reversed, Test with an elbow, and a clothesline to take him outside. X-Pac climbs back onto the apron - and spits in Test's face. Test goes outside and promptly gets pushed into the STEEL steps. Kick, back in the ring, kick, stomp, stomp, right, Test punches back - blows exchanged, now it's only Test, back to punches, off the ropes, X-Pac ducks, but ends up in the full rotation sidewalk slam...for 2. Into the ropes, boot up, but X-Pac runs into a big boot himself. "That's it!" Test with a bodyslam and now he's going up for the elbow. But now the NEW AGE OUTLAWS are out. Dogg distracts referee "Blind" Teddy Long while Ass crotches Test. X Factor, cover, pin. (Strictly for the 2:09) X-Pac will be the final man in the Royal Rumble this Sunday.

"The Rock Says..." $44.95'll get you a book, an autograph, and a shirt!

Hey, is Steve Austin in "Scream 3?" I thought I remembered reading that eons ago...I guess I could go check for myself, but I'm so LAZY.

Congratulations all around in the office - X-Pac FINALLY believes the Hemlsleys aren't steering him wrong after all....

Steve Blackman and Al Snow - are - WALKING! Blackman warns Snow that if he whacks him with the Head tonight, forget about split personalities - his SKULL will be split. Snow says this isn't the Kansas City baggage claim (that's an inside reference) and aggression level is way too high here - Blackman might very well be just the perfect partner he's been looking for - "my last partner, Mick Foley, had three personalities - you've got NO personality!" Blackman doesn't find that funny. "I'm warning you - you're treading."

OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE, AMERICAN HERO, SNAPPY DRESSER, GADFLY, SOCIALITE, AND ALL-AROUND GREAT GUY KURT ANGLE & BRITISH BULLDOG v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) & AL SNOW (with Head) - Is it too early to say "Allied Powers II?" Let Us Take You Back to RAW when Bulldog returned with a kendo stick 'cross the back of Blackman. "It has been brought to my attention that Sunday night at the Royal Rumble at Madison Square Garden, Your Olympic Hero has just been informed that he has an unnamed opponent in his match - supposedly with a man that is going to break my notorious undefeated streak. Now my concern does not lie with this 'unnamed man,' but that this country would be COMPLETELY devastated if my streak came to an end - it would, it would. Thank you. Now in the Olympic Games, I didn't know the names of every single one of my opponents, but look at what I was able to accomplish there. Not to mention, I live my life by a simple set of rules that keeps me undefeated - intensity, integrity, and intelligence, and tonight I find myself here in Providence, Rhode Island, where I am reminded that there are certain towns in the good old US of A, that make even the most depressed towns in my good friend Davey Boy's home country of England, look really good. And this could actually be one of those towns, it could, but if you stick with my three I's - then maybe someday even Providence could pull itself out of it's depression - am I right, Davey?" While Blackman and Snow get separate entrances - heeeeeey, why does Blackman have to come out first? - Michael Cole & Triple H co-host Radio WWF, exclusively on Westwood One! I've been told that Westwood One has a THING about being broadcast over streaming media so that link I gave you on Monday might be blacked out. 5-7PM Saturday (8-10 on that other coast) - Steve Austin'll be on the show, too! So now you MUST listen! Angle charges, Blackman sidesteps and puts him in the corner, where Snow holds him down while Blackman fires away. Referee "Blind" Jack Doan forces the break. Off the ropes, reversed, Blackman ducks, Angle catches the leg, elbows the knee, and hits a belly-to-belly. Front face - tag to Bulldog, open kick. Off the ropes, back elbow by the Bulldog. Into the corner, reversed by Blackman - boot up as Blackman charges - scooped up for the powerslam, but Snow grabs the leg and Blackman is let go. There's the Lethal Kick! He's going up to the top rope - it's a ... TOP ROPE ... SORTA KICK! WOW!!!! Cover, 1, 2, 3! (1:12) Damn, is Steve Blackman the MAN or what?? Angle is rather perturbed with Bulldog, while Snow tries to get chummy with Blackman, who doesn't want any part of THAT. Boy, I HOPE Bulldog isn't the mystery opponent!

Let's Take a Special Video Look at Last Monday's in-ring interview with the twelve - err, six participants in the Miss Royal Rumble bikini contest. And here's a Special Video Look at Mae Young. Brrrrrrrrrrr...

Terri is WALKING! There may have been some Hardys with her, I wasn't looking.

Mankind invades Manhattan - AGAIN! Mmmm, beefy! Feed that need!

Oh no! T-Money is going to be investigated for gambling! I MUST WATCH THE BATTLE DOME SHOW! (No.) (But it's after WXO, and you're gonna watch THAT, right?) (That's different.) (How's it different?) (It just IS, okay?!?) (Geez, you could have just made fun of Ferrell again and I would have let that go.) (Ooops. Well, maybe next time.)

And now, the WWF Slam-of-the-Week, presented by 1-800-COL-LECT! From RAW, 3D, 3D, powerbomb of one Hardy onto another through a table - all by the Dudleyz.

MATT HARDY (with Nipples & Jeff Hardy) v. D-VON DUDLEY (with Buh-Buh Ray Dudley) - tomorrow at WWF New York, a Diva signing - Tori, Jacqueline, Ivory and B.B. will be signing...stuff. If I had known, I could have asked you to go and get me Ivory's autograph - I would have even settled for Jackie's! At the Royal Rumble, these two teams will take place in a tag team table match. Cole suggests that the Dudleys proved on Monday how sadistic they were - "they seemed to ENJOY it!" Well, who wouldn't? For an encore, Cole calls the Hardys "the epitome of extreme athletes." Let's pick up the action as D-Von hits a superneckbreaker as Matt falls from the second rope, into the corner, reveresed, D-Von dumps Matt over, Matt pulls D-Von down to the mat and climbs the rope - split-legged moonsault (ouch) only gets 2. D-Von blocks a suplex, again, Hardy up and over, gutshot, swinging reverse neckbreaker. Buh-Buh pulls Matt out for the (DQ 1:42), then goes NUTS on both Hardys - AND referee "Blind" Jim Korderas. Hotshot on the barricade for Jeff, chairshots for both men, right cross for Korderas. "Take them up!" commands a non-stuttering Buh-Buh (when was the last time we HEARD him stutter, anyway?) and D-Von takes Matt up the ramp, while Buh-Buh sets up a table below, on the floor. I think I know where this is going - and it can't be good! There's a SECOND table next to the first... Cole says this "can't be good," so I guess there's hope for me as the replacement SmackDown! play-by-play man if that Radio WWF gig REALLY catches fire. (Please send all suggestions to wwffans@wwf.com). Terri pleads for the Dudleys to not do this, but there's the high sign...but Jeff Hardy's got a chair and he's back in the picture - WHACK! WHACK! And one more for Buh-Buh, who is now teetering at the top of the stage... Both Dudleys go down - D-Von down the ramp, and Buh-Buh - WOW! Through the two tables he'd set up earlier. Yow! Jeff takes D-Von to a THIRD table and places him there. Don't tell me... Matt's shirt comes off - "gun to the head" hand signal - LEGDROP THROUGH THE TABLE FROM THE STAGE!! D-Von sells it old school style by twitching uncontrollably. Man, I HATE these Hardys - they're all spots! BY GOD, WHEN DO THEY WRESTLE?!? (The preceeding two sentences were a parody. Please address all complaints to your favourite workrate freak.) Looks like Buh-Buh Ray's been busted open.

The New Age Outlaws stand outside the Friendly Tap - then enter - that's, like, the same guy the Acolytes beat up three months ago, right? He's loud and gosh-darn happy to see those guys. Dogg: "I'll have what he's been having!" I can only guess that in the last 70 minutes of this show, mirth, mayhem and merriment MUST ensue as the Acolytes put in another appearance. Wait a minute - big loud guy - OF COURSE! That's gotta be HYATTE! See him on TV - read him EXCLUSIVELY on SCOOPTHIS DOT COM! ScoopThis - a proud partner of the VERY FINE WRESTLE LINE!

...!

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, where Matt did something insane. During the Break, Buh-Buh Ray ... bleeds! Cole says this is the same look on Dudley that we saw on Monday...

Want a Stone Cold Baseball Hat? And why isn't it called a "cap?" For the answers to these and other great mysteries, send your cable bill to this address!

Crash Holly complains about having no competition tonight. Hardcore says he's got problems of his own, what with having to team with Jericho & Chyna in a six-man...er...six-person tag - go find your own competition! Crash is pushed away...coincidentally, right into Viscera, who happens to be walking by. Crash makes some noise and it's on for later in the show.

SmackDown! is brought to you by WrestleMania XV - the DVD, phonefree.com, and "The Beach" - a GREAT B-side from NEW ORDER!

TOO COOL & RIKISHI PHATU (with the GIANT TV-PG-DLV ratings box, and "SmackDown! is brought to you by" - CRZ 4, Ray 2) v. THAT SLUT CHYNA (with Ernest Miller) & HARDCORE HOLLY (by his damn self) & CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO (with the last entrance...and the championship belt) - We'll take a moment to remark on Chyna entering not only before Jericho, but ALSO before Holly! Let Us Take You Back to Monday where Jericho was "saved" from an IC loss to Phatu thanks to that happening, and also that. Jericho carries a mic. I bet he'll talk here! "My my my - what a motley looking Crue this is! This reminds me of the cantina scene from 'Star Wars!' I mean, you got a couple of Vanilla Ice wannabes, you got a freak of nature and her Mini-Me little buddy - you got a bleach-blonde buffoon, and you got a really fat guy in a diaper - this is disgusting, well at least after Sunday when I become the undisputed Intercontinental champion, I will never, EEEEEEEEEEEVER, have to worry about any of you...agayne." Dig that "Y2J" chant! Sexay and Holly start. Boot from Sexay, off the ropes, shoulderblock by Sexay. Off the ropes again, Holly with the Best Dropkick in the Business. Off the ropes, duck, slide under, full nelson - face first to the mat by Sexay. Bust a move! Jericho tagged in, big lariat. Forearm shot, into the opposite corner, foot up, top rope bulldog (!) by Sexay. Hotty tagged in - time now for the Wurm karate chop. Remember when he had wrestling moves, too? Off the ropes, flying jalapeno from Jericho. Double underhook - tilt-aa-whirled into a backbreaker. "Come on Scott Taylor!" Stomp, stomp, scoop...and a slam. "C'mon Baby!" Lionsault - hits the knees. Jericho thinking about tagging - but Rikishi is in before he can make the attempt. Right hand, off the ropes, duck, Samoan Drop - here's one for Holly. Chyna decides to come in - before he can try the piledriver, Jericho breaks it up. Everybody's in now - and bar that door, Kizzate, we've got a Pier Six brawl here. Of course, there are no actual shots on Chyna - she manages to drop and give Sexay a Golota - Holly dumps Taylor over the top rope (notice how EASY that looks? It's NEVER that easy during the *Rumble*!) Here's a tripleteam on Phatu, and now referee "Blind" Mike Chioda has has decided he has a way to call this match (DQ 2:32) Chyna wants Rikishi to herself (ugh, one can only wonder why) - shoving Holly away. Holly takes offense and clotheslines Chyna. Jericho decides to get in his licks on Holly - that's TWICE he's come to Chyna's aid, sorta...anyway, Jericho turns around to find a superkick from Phatu right in his face. Superkick for Holly - and a BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX ON CHYNA!!! Dragging her to the corner for the big butt drop - he couldn't...Jericho with a chair...but he whacks HOLLY instead! Well, so much for THAT idea. BANZAI DROP ON CHYNA! (And by "Banzai Drop," I mean "Phatu gently sits down on Chyna immediately after landing on his feet. The director attempts to mask this with quick camera cuts.") Jericho still has the IC belt, but he's making the "Ewwww" face, seeing a squashed Chyna in the ring. NOW IS THE TIME ON...oh, but instead of seeing that they cut to

The barroom drunks explain about how the Acolytes cheated and they hope the Outlaws'll take care of them. The bartender deigns to express the opinion that the Acolytes are gonna take the titles Sunday. Dogg breaks a bottle over his head and they run him out of the place. The toughs invite the Outlaws to shoot a little pool...

Meanwhile, backstage at the Arena, the Acolytes watch all this on a monitor with smiles on their faces. "Are they making fun of us?" Bradshaw says Faarooq looks a little thirsty. Faarooq says his throat DOES feel a little dry - perhaps they should go get some drinks...

BIG BOSS MAN v. PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN - Is it just me or does he just kinda float between "Bossman" and "Boss Man?" It's tough to keep consistent spellings around here! Let Us Take You Back to Monday where Test took the Hardcore title with just a SMIDGEN of (unintended?) help from Prince Albert. Can I use this joke again? "WHEN RUNNING BUDDIES COLLIDE!" Albert has THE STICK and I think we'll not bother...something about the student becoming the teacher - I think they learned it from that 1-800-CALL-ATT ad. Bossman kicks away as Albert fails to rush him. Punches in bunches. Off the ropes, reversed, Albert shoulderblock. Albert all over him. Referee "Blind" Chad Patten probably not imposing enough to break up these two. Outside we go. Into the STEEL ringpost. Back in the ring, Albert covers, but Boss Man finds the second rope. To the eyes to turn the tide. Bossman with the double thrust - clothesline off the ropes, working the body in the corner. Irish whip is reversed and Albert DOES hit the splash. Pulling him back into the center of the ring, and now he's gonna throat him on the second rope - yow! Looked like his FACE hit the rope instead. Boss Man goes outside to take a powder. Albert follows, Patten over to try to keep it clean - Albert shoves him into Boss Man, who shoves him to the mat. Patten calls for the bell. (DDQ? 2:03) Call me crazy, but I have a SNEAKY suspicion that these two just MIGHT collide in that thirty-man Royal Rumble this Sunday. They're still going at it! Albert over the barricade - here's a WHACK for good measure. Brought back over the barricade - the rest of the refs and officials are out, but it's not enough to contain the FURY of these two men. Yes, we'll have to cut to this ad break because sometimes the worst, most vicious and dangerous matchups occur - WHEN RUNNING BUDDIES COLLIDE!

"Earlier Tonight" footage saw some talking and fighting - no big whoop - several camera angles of the same stuff - just for fun

LILIAN GARCIA attempts to interview the Rock. Rock has a pretty good line about his two opponents - "on one hand, we've got a huge, statuesque retard who you can't understand a single damn word he's saying - and on the other hand, you have Kane." The fans chant his name and Lilian just doesn't have the faraway look that Kevin Kelly gets

VISCERA (with the Orangeness and the 13) v. CRASH HOLLY (with Scale Holly) - "The Mood is about to Change?" My God, that's not for Taz, it's for GLACIER!! BLOOD WILL RUN COLD IN THE WWF! Crash strides confidently to the ring...and Viscera calmly tosses him over the top rope - just like in the Rumble! Crash back in, pepper him with rights, heabutt from Vis. Through the ropes, Crash holds on and is back in. Elbowing away. Whip is reversed, duck, Crash runs into him and no go. Charge - you know, that Alleged Spinning Heel Kick never fails to make me smile. In the corner, head to the buckle, whip into the opposite corner, and back to the first. Splash coming up - Crash sidesteps it. Dropkick. Kick, kick, climbing the ropes - ACID DROP! ACID DROP! Cover - 1, 2, kickout. That move NEVER works! Crash tries a springboard missile dropkick. Kicking the back of the knees - another springboard...Viscera calmly catches him and executes the Samoan Drop. Fat Ass splash - MISSES! Crash peppers him with rights once again, whip is reversed once again - Crash slides under and hits a mule kick on the back of the knees. Climbing on the back...oh oh - Viscera spins him around and hits a ten-story powerbomb. THIS time the Fat Ass Splash is gonna hit. 1, 2, 3. (2:37) I know I get in trouble with REAL fans when I say stuff like this, but I dug this match. Plus, Viscera's pants stayed on the entire time!

Excerpts from the press conference with that guy who MiCasa interviewed. Steve Austin's EXCLUSIVE interview with Michael Cole will probably be in the very last quarter hour of the big Radio WWF presentation this Saturday. Hey, will Lord Alfred Hayes and Johnny Polo return once again for ONE NIGHT ONLY?? No? Oh.

Edge is..PACING!

"Stump the Fink" maybe? No? Oh.

Mankind invades Manhattan - AGAIN!! Somebody alert Chef Boyardee!

Halftime Heat RETURNS! Sunday, 30 January! On Some Other Station We Can't Mention on UPN!

EDGE (you think you owe him) v. GANGREL (presented by White Wolf - with Luna Tunes) - there's apparently a rumour running around that Edge & Fred Blassie will judge the bikini contest. We can only wonder what THOSE two have in common. Lockup, to the ropes, to the corner, still rolling around, referee Tim "Visit the Friendly Tap" White forces the break. Gangrel with a shot as they break, now all over him with rights. Into the corner, reveresed, Edge with the biiiiiig back body drop. Heel kick. Right, right, off the ropes, reversal, kick from Edge, off the ropes, swinging neckbreaker countered, DDT countered, Edge with a side Russian legsweep - cover, 2. Off the ropes, Gangrel holds on and goes out, sensing a spear. Edge hits a tope on Gangrel instead. Gangrel rolled back in - before Edge can follow, Luna is over to whisper into Edge's ear. Apparently, this is the first Edge heard about the judging rumour and Luna wants a little consideration. This brings out SIX OTHER WOMEN, inclding Mae Young. Young with the BIG OL' WET ONE on Edge! Ewwwww. Edge gets counted out (COR 2:13) and as Young's music plays, a replay reveals that Young SLIPPED HIM THE TONGUE and LICKED HIM ALL OVER!

Meanwhile, at the Friendly Tap, the Acolytes come in with a loud announcement of their presence and take two seats at the bar. Everybody ELSE quickly files out (ha!) - they know what's coming up and going down. While the Acolytes talk, we look back at the pool table - where the toughs and the Outlaws seem to be formulating a plan - which just MIGHT be revealed - on the other side of this ad break

The LUMBERJACKS walk down the aisle

Meanwhile, the Acolytes are ready for a second round (THAT was quick!) - and as Bradshaw serves himself (as the bartender seems to have headed for higher ground as well), he spots not only the "former Nanny Goat arm wrestling champion" but also the "tag team CHAMPIONS of the WOOOOOORLD!" The Acolytes make like a couple of big big fans. "My dog would KILL me if I didn't get his autograph!" The Acolytes approach the pool table. "Hey, Road Dogg, your hat looks a lot bigger on TV." The toughs tell the Outlaws that they got their backs. "You guys are great at pool - how are ya at two-steppin'?" The Outlaws strike, but the toughs take the brunt of the attack. Sure enough, that same manager guy with the Blues Brothers motif sits in the corner. The Outlaws make their escape when nobody's looking but the camera. The jukebox is again demolished. The pool table light is pulled off the ceiling, but we miss it. Anyway, the Acolytes remark on what great guys the Outlaws are - they should get their numbers and hang out more often... Spying a Boston Red Sox Bud Light neon sign, Bradshaw picks up a chair and destroys it. I know there's a story behind that, but I live on the wrong coast and root for Montreal, so what the hell do *I* know about baseball.

1-800-COL-LECT presents the 2000 Rumble Royale! Call somebody who cares!

KANE (with Tori & "the Royal Rumble is brought you by") v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. LA ROCA in a Triple Threat over the top rope lumberjack match - hell, there's a lot of time left in this show - what's the main event gonna be? (No way in HELL this match goes 25 minutes!) The Rock's book is #1 on the Times bestseller list this weekend. For some reason, I don't really wanna read it like I did Foley's book. I wonder why that is. I smell a flaw in the logic here - lumberjacks are to throw people back in the ring...*when they get thrown over the top rope to the floor*. But, see...when you're thrown over the top rope to the floor....well, hell, we all know why they contrived this anyway. Rock and Show start out - Kane walks over and gets in some licks on Rock. Doubleteam on the Rock - Show shoves Kane away so Kane starts boxing Show. Show coming back. Kane ducks out and works over Show. Kane whipped into the Rock, who ducks, and hits the DDT. Right to Show, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Rock tries to get him out of the ring - Kane over to help...no go. Looks like one of the ringposts is still smokin' quite a bit there. Show sent into the ropes, but Show hits a double clothesline. Caught Kane's foot - enzuigiri! Rock takes Show's face to the mat. Now Kane and Rock going at it - big boot to the face from Kane. Cue the chant. Head to the buckle, uppercut, elbow, right, Rock on the top rope in the corner - but Show is over. Off the ropes, reversed, duck, Show with a powerslam on Kane. Rock back over and hitting his rights - off the ropes, reveresed, Show takes Rock over the top, but he lands on the apron and pulls himself back in. Clothesline. Another. Third takes him off his feet - meanwhile, Kane's been climbing in the corner and there's a flying clothesline on the Rock - thumb crosses throat - but Rock wiggles out of the tombstone attempt and hits a side Russian legsweeep. Show up - into Rock Bottom - but he elbows Rock to stop that attempt and tosses the Rock over the top rope with one hand! (3:17) Yeah, THERE'S your Champion! Show with ahhhhhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAAM on Kane! Show turns to mouth off at Rock - so Rock comes back in. Sore loser! Cheater! Off the ropes, Rock with Rock Bottom! Kane with a right, and clotheslines Rock over the tope rope - let's hope he stays eliminated THIS time! Kane immediately dumps a charging Big Show out of the ring to win (formula 4:09) and OF COURSE, since this is the last show before the big PPV, all the lumberjacks get in the ring, just to give us a taste of what we'll see Sunday. Crowd, who I'm really starting to get annoyed by, regards all this and chants... "Rock E."

WWF Rumble Royale - presented LIVE by 1-800-COL-LECT - SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

Mankind invades Manhattan - what, AGAIN? Can New York TAKE another Mankind invasion with the ravioli and the chefboy.com and the hey hey hey?

You know, Dr Pepper DOES make the world taste better

The Helmsleys make their goodbyes with X-Pac - c'mon, give her a hug - YEAH! "Trust!"

Moments Ago, there was a match - Kane won, proving that "anyone can win this thing." That's it, I'm putting all my money on Thrasher! Later, the lumberjacks filled up the ring.

TREBLE H & STEPHANIE ONO are out for our main event...interview, I guess. I can't help but notice that the rest of DX has been dispensed with and there won't be anybody to help him if...but that would be predictable, right? One last chance to hype Radio WWF - remember, if it does well, they'll do it EVERY week - you KNOW you want it - so give it a listen. List of stations available at wwf.com, I think. There's a lot of time left in this show so let's make this an extra LOOOOOOONG entrance. I'm sorry this report is late but thanks to my lovely car, I've WALKED about ten miles more this week than I normally would. Okay, here we go. "When I think about the Royal Rumble, it makes me think back to Rumbles of the past - that the devastation that was unleashed at them. It makes me think back specifically, to the Rumble of one year ago... ["asshole" chant] ...because it was one year ago at the Royal Rumble when two best friends beat the hell out of each other, and I'd like to take a little look at that to refresh everybody's memory. [Let Us Take You Back to the 1999 Royal Rumble] Handcuffed - with his hands behind his back, the Rock annihilated Mankind. Chairshot after chairshot after chairshot - a bloody, battered, beaten Mankind stood in that ring - but what they don't show is in the front row - much where this fat piece of crap is sitting right here - sat Mick Foley's wife and two small children. And what I remember most about that night was Dewey & Nicole crying their eyes out. Your wife was crying too, Cactus, but I'm sure she was acting for the love of your children, 'cause I'm sure she hates you just as much as everybody else does. But as your two small kids sat in the front row and bawled their eyes out, while their father was destroyed, while their father was beaten down, while their father was bloodied by his best friend, and they cried because they realised that their father was a loser, that their father was a failure. Cactus Jack, a little bit of warning to you - do NOT bring your children to New York City. Do NOT bring your children to Madison Square Garden. As a matter of fact, do NOT let Dewey & Nicole sit in front of the TV and watch the Royal Rumble, because what the Rock did to you last year will be NOTHING compared to what I do to you Sunday. Cactus Jack, I will take it to a level that even YOU have never seen before - that even YOU have never been to before. I will beat you worse than you have ever been beaten in your life. I will bloody you worse than you have ever been beaten in your life. And if your kids are there in the front row crying, I know that as I beat you, I will love every second of it. Every drop of blood that drops from your head, I will REVEL in it, but if your kids are sitting front row, even more than that, every tear that drops from their little eyes, I WILL LOVE IT." Well, hit the music - here's CACTUS JACK - I guess he IS here after all. "You're right, Triple H. You're right. My daughter is six years old. My son is only seven. And they did suffer enough at last year's Royal Rumble, and they don't need to see any more. So they will not be in new York City in Madison Square Garden. And they will not be sitting in front of the television set, but you've got one thing wrong. You see, I'm not worried about them seeing what happens to me. I am deeply disturbed by them seeing what I will do TO YOU. You see Triple H, I don't want their little innocent eyes to realise how violent their dad can be! I don't want their innocent little eyes to look at the bloodshed which will surely take place! And above all else, I don't want them to look into their dad's eyes and realise, as the blood drips down your face, that deep down inside, their dear sweet dad will be LOVING IT! Now you make threats about what happened last year, and you say it's even worse, and I have every reason to believe that you mean every word, because you certainly are The Game, you are the best in this business right now. But certainly you don't think that I'm gonna show up in Madison Square Garden, without just a few surprises! And I'm not talking about a garbage can, Triple H, I'm not talking about a street sign, and I'm not talking about a chair. I'm talking about sharp, metallic objects that will be brought down on your ass with great vengence! And then, when I see the blood flowing freely down your face in Madison Square Garden - the same arena I hitchhiked to as a child - the same arena I dared dream that I would one day wrestle for the WWF Championship - what I will do, guaranteed, is turn you into the world's largest pin cushion! And no, my children will not be on hand, and they will not be glued to the TV set, but they are watching SmackDown! right now - and I do not wanna deprive them of just a little bit of action! So what I am going to do right now, in Providence, Rhode Island...is give the world, and a six year old girl and a seven year old little boy just a little taste of what the world can expect, in a Street Fight, in Madison Square Garden!" H meets him outside the ring and it's on. Around the ring we go - H into the STEEL steps. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, bangbang! Got a chair now - but he missed - making a nice bang on the steps, though. H tries to run for the barricade - Jack heads him off and pulls him back - now they're exchanging blows. To the table we go - H blocks and Jack's face hits the commentary table. Chair from H - WHACK - WHACK. Right hand, tabletop pulled away - it's Pedigree time on that table - but Jack stops it with a Golota - PILEDRIVER! And...the table doesn't break! Jack with the chair - WHACK - Jack back in the ring - bangbang! Triple H is busted open, we are told - but we don't get to see it - this is a TV-PG rated show, folks! But don't worry, the PPV will be TV-14! Check out the "HHH SUCKS JACK'S CACTUS" sign. Oh wait, there's a LITTLE shot of the blood. Oh, he's only bleeding from one of those mouth capsule things! What a wuss! I hope they do better at the Rumble - SUNDAY!