Yup, it looks as though "WWF Late Night" ( a new innovation in the UK, where BSkyB run a disclaimer prior to Raw and Smackdown informing viewers that 'this WWF late-night broadcast is unsuitable for children and contains material which some may find offensive') really *does* show WWF uncut, as promised. You see, we got to hear X-Pac say every word of that little diatribe, unlike those of you watching on UPN. I commend BSkyB for being true to their word, and I certainly feel that were it not for the 'late-night' disclaimer, we would still be getting (slightly) censored versions of WWF shows. There is NO way that Terri's table bump would have been shown under the old regime. In fact, I did wonder if the WWF had replaced the close-up shots of D-Von holding Terri by the throat with some taken from an alternate camera, but I have no way of confirming this, unless someone can help me...

Hey, *I* think it's interesting anyway.

MAD PROPS TO: Martin Zacks (again!) - remind me to ask you to be my mentor some day...

KINGS UPDATE: I slept through the Kings/Sixers game, and woke up glad that I had. The Kings head into the All-Star break an amazing (for them) 30-18, 7.5 GB Portland and #4 in the West. That the Kings are .625 with over half their games played and 19 games left at home - wow. It's just - damn! You know? This weekend, the All-Star festivities hit my "home arena" - Oakland - but I was too lazy to pick up (or pay for) tix, so I'll be watching at home. That's probably better for me anyway, as I can change the channel or sleep comfortably while it's on - it's tougher to do that at the Colesium, you know.

YEAR IN QUOTES: Coming - MONDAY! Even if it KILLS me! Monday! (Well....I'll qualify that with "let's see what our producers feel they have to do to/with it first.") You will LAUGH at least once! (I hope! Hell, *I* did, and I NEVER laugh at my own stuff!)

Normally, here is where I'd be saying "You are watching UPN!" but instead, we get another one of those "Bad Attitude Week" promos that may or may not have been airing all week - I don't know, 'cause I only watched UPN last night (oh, and "Dilbert") and didn't pay attention to the ads. I do enough paying attention to ads in shows I report, you know.

BIG-ASS TV-PG-DLV One World Leader Attitude: WWF!

LAST MONDAY: One more time, let's see the (ugh) Radicals turn on Cactus Jack. One more time, let's hear the word "ass" bleeped on this show. One more time, Triple H sets up a five-on-one beatdown which turns into a five-on-two...then a five-on-five. One more time, let's see the return of Paul Bearer - and the return of Kane. One more time, there's a situation brewing that's going to develop further on the show we're about to witness - SmackDown! - NEXT!

Opening Credits feature that cute li'l closed caption symbol

LIGHT THE PYRO and scan the audience for signs - check - check. We are on the campus of UT (Hook 'em horns!) in Austin, TX - the home of Chris Palacios, Karen Gustafson, George W. Bush, and the Frank Erwin Center - the home of the WWF for the 10.2 (taped 8.2) episode of WWF SmackDown!

OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE, HOMECOMING KING, SNEEZE GUARD AND TOASTMASTER KURT ANGLE v. BALD VENIS for the European Championship - We kick it off by kicking it up a notch - it's MY hero and he's got THE STICK! Let Us Take You Back to RAW and a Reverse Fireman's Carry of Ancient Mae Young. "I just wanna say to everyone...[pause for boos]...please, give me a word, please. Let me have - just one minute. ... I just wanna say to everyone that even though I suplexed an eighty-two-year old pregnant woman, I am still a role model for children, not to mention elderly people as well - I am - I am. At the time, I actually thought it was Mark Henry - I did. And tonight, I have decided to treat all of you, and become the next European Champion. [boos] Now I realise we're down here in Texas, and not a lot of people here know where Europe is, but - hey, hold on, hold on, hold on a second - it's not your fault. Actually, it's your educational system here in Austin, Texas. It is! But once I win that belt, not only do I promise to entertain - but I promise to educate you as well - I do! I do." You know, I find Angle INCREDIBLY entertaining, but even I've gotta admit that his "shtick on the stick" just MIGHT be getting overplayed here - it might. It might. Venis is interrupted in mid-bump'n'grind by an ambush from Angle. Elbow to the back of the neck. Head to the turnbuckle, right, right, right, right, right, and so on. Cole says Young is all right. Venis comes back with a clothesline - two rights, hiptoss, two more rights, trying to get behind the right, and missing - Angle clotheslines him over. Angle goes outside the ropes to deliver an axehandle - but eats a gutshot on the floor. Venis drops Angle on the barricade. To the commentary table - big knife-edge chop by Venis. Angle is rolled back in - and manages a hot shot on Venis as he stands on the apron. Venis brought into the ring - elbow to the back of the skull. Pinpointing his blows, there's a punch and a kick in the same spot. Scoops him up - and drops him on the top rope. Right hand, right, off the ropes, but to the abs, neckbreaker - Angle covers, but only gets 2 as the "Angle sucks" starts up in earnest. "Shut your mouth!" Right, off the ropes, reversed, back elbow, elbowdrop, off the ropes with a kneedrop to the chin - 2 count. In the corner, right, right, into the opposite corner, follow lariat. Fisherman suplex coming up - 1, 2, shoulder up! That move NEVER works! Venis scoops him up for a bodyslam again - and now Venis is ready to try the Money Shot - Angle manages to bounce off the top rope, crotching Venis. REVERSE FIREMAN'S CARRY! Cover, referee "Blind" Jim Korderas in position - 1, 2, 3!!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a NEW European Champion. (3:14) Angle celebrates as you might expect.

Cut to the DX & Friends dressing room. Stephanie seems a little distracted watching Angle on the monitor, but snaps out of it. Tonight's theme is "Divide & Conquer." In order to gain revenge on everyone who made Monday so difficult, the following matches will be booked. Grand Master Sexay will go one-on-one with Perry Saturn. Scotty Too Hotty draws Dean Malenko ("I'll squash that worm.") Rikishi Phatu and Chris Benoit will enjoy singles action tonight. The Rock & Cactus Jack will face the New Age Outlaws - non-title, of course. "Which leaves...Kane. For you." X-Pac expresses some outrage - but Triple H is just ribbin' him - Kane gets a handicap match tonight...against X-Pac AND Triple H. Divide...and conquer.

UPN Sweeps Month: The Rock DARES you not to watch! (Umm, OKAY!)

phonefree.com presents WWF: No Way Out - only on pay-per-view!

GRAND MASTER SEXAY v. PERRY SATURN, A VERY HANDSOME MAN - Sexay cuts the rug all the way down the aisle while Saturn tries very hard to make us think he's got a Duggan-like eye condition - and succeeds! Let's get Saturn to say "Ahhh, just one more thing" sometime. Saturn immediately starts in on Christopher with looping rights. Off the ropes, and there's a lariat. In the corner, Saturn drives the shoulder into the soft pink underbelly of Grand Master Sexay. Into the opposite corner, but Sexay manages a to put up a side kick, and then hits a sweet dropkick off the second rope. The jackets off and he's struttin' his stuff - off the ropes is reversed, Sexay slides through - Saturn catches the kick, but not the following enzuigiri. Saturn rolls to the apron in an attempt to escape and catch a breather, but Sexay's ready to make like the hyena - gutshot, there's a Sunset flip to the floor! Sexay outside and doing ... what, the cabbage patch? I forget. Back in the ring we go, right, right, Sexay in control, right, Saturn manages a drop toehold into the second rope, throating Sexay in the process. I used to remember what the was called - I'll say "Exploder suplex" and you can correct me later. There's a whip - but he holds onto the arm and lets him fall to the mat. Gonna do it again - really yanking on the arm this time. Looks like he's picked a body part - now going to the armbar - Sexay grabs the second rope and referee "Blind" Tim White forces the break. Saturn with a Northern Lights overhead suplex ONTO the arm - 1, 2, nope. Again to the left arm - commentators actually noting that Saturn is working on a body part. Did I die and go to heaven? Crowd coming alive to get Sexay to bust out of the chickenwing - he's on his feet - elbowing out - hold IS broken, off the ropes, duck, and ANOTHER armbar takedown by Saturn. 1, 2, no! Saturn to an armbar - now is that a wakigatame, or a jujigatame, or is your recapper just showing off again? Again Sexay gets to his feet. Three rights and Saturn's reeling. Another right. Out of the corner, Saturn leaps onto the second rope, and flies off with a forearm smash. There's a scoop - and a slam. Saturn ready to go up top. ELBOWDROP! That was better than Test's, even. Cover - 1, 2, NO!! Well, I have a hard time believing THAT. Going for the suplex - Sexay blocks it - again - Sexay crotches him on the top rope. Sexay removes the 'do-rag AND the shirt (eeeeeeeee!), headbutt to the top turnbuckle, to an adjacent turnbuckle, whip into the opposite turnbuckle, Sexay doing a little tiny dance, whipping Saturn back into the opposite corner, powerslam, 1, 2, NO!! Into the corner, reversed, Sexay springs onto the second rope, but Saturn ducks the crossbody - and White doesn't. Sexay hits a neckbreaker and puts him in position for the Tennessee Jam - the goggles ARE on - oops, it's now the Hip Hop Drop, isn't it. Whatever it is, he hit it and hit it good. The crowd says "1, 2, 3" but the ref wasn't with 'em. FINALLY White has come to ... 1...... 2....... SHOULDER UP! Sexay argues the count with the referee, but he probably should have kept his eyes on his opponent. Saturn comes up from behind and locks in the Rings of Saturn - Sexay has a foot on the rope, but White is still groggy and doesn't see it! Sexay taps out. (7:14) Backstage, the other three (ugh) Radicals look on with approval.

WrestleMania 2000 for the N64 ad.

Wait a minute, they said that Rage Against the Machine was the one thing harder than love - but now they're saying that Incubus is the one thing harder than love! Well, which IS it?. I'm so confused!

XFL spot. I think the words "pantywaists" and "sissies" were aired ENTIRELY too many times in this clip montage. Will we have to see this every week for a year? Just when the wrestling seems to be REALLY coming around, would they REALLY go and spoil the show with XFL nonsense? Answer: if they think they can get away with it...

EDGE (you think you Henry David Thoreau him) & CHRISTIAN v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYS - Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday where the Dudleys interfered in Edge & Christian's tag team title shot (which presumably sets up tonight's battle). Let Us ALSO Take You Back to Last Monday and the Dudleyz' chop block on Godfather, 3D on D'Lo Brown, and attempted tabling of B.B. but for the timely intervention of the Hardys - and the opponents awaiting the Dudleyz in the ring. Pier Four Brawl to start - double dropkick on D-Von, and one for Buh-Buh Ray. Double shoulderblock and her rolls out. D-Von and Edge stay in as the commentators speculate that we might not see Terri back in the WWF for quite a while - if ever. D-Von punching away on Edge - off the ropes, reversal, double flapjack. Side Russian legsweep gets 2. Kick, on the second rope, Two Punch Count Along, Buh-Buh Ray gets a little close on the apron, Christian looks over and gives him a warning - allowing D-Von to slip under him and hit a superneckbreaker. Hairpull - to Buh-Buh Ray's boot and there's the tag. Open shot. Right, right between the eyes, off the ropes, biiiiig back body drop. Shot for Edge to bring him into the ring - time for the "head butt to the graun" spot. Buh-Buh Ray striking a dramatic pose for the people. D-Von covers, but only gets 2. Stomp, off the ropes, jumpin' spinnin' back elbow. Off the ropes, head butt, Sunset flip attempt - works! 1, 2, kickout! Buh-Buh Ray over to the timekeeper, and now he's got a chair. D-Von knocks down Christian as referee "Blind" Chad Patton gives Buh-Buh Ray what for. He SLAMS the chair to the floor, then gets tagged in. "Here, eat THIS, punk!" And there's a right. Scoop slam, off the ropes, elbowdrop, another elbowdrop, cover - and only 2. Christian is dead weight. "Look at him! Look at him!" Christian tries to throw some rights from his knees, but Dudley puts another shot between the eyes. Now trying to open every orifice in his face simultaneously. To the rear chinlock. Christian to his feet - Buh-Buh Ray whips him into the opposite corner, and he puts the boots up - he's on the second rope - TORNADO DDT! Both men are down - both men looking to tag. Tag to D-Von - HOT TAG TO EDGE! Edge cleaning house on both men - series of alternating knockdowns, backdrop for D-Von, going for Buh-Buh Ray, slips the whip attempt, got him up for a Samoan Drop, but Buh-Buh Ray's leg buckles and he collapses to the mat - then rolls outside, clutching his leg. D-Von knocks down Edge, but doesn't see Christian on the top rope. Sunset flip attempt - D-Von fighting it - but Edge comes off the top with a missile dropkick, completing it! 1, 2, 3!! (5:11) I guess we'll ignore that the illegal man got the pinfall. Buh-Buh Ray is saying "ohpleaseGodnonotnow" repeatedly as the EMT's are called out to help Buh-Buh Ray. Hmm, B.B. is with them, so that should raise some red flags..as should the fact that Cole keeps taking (almost) DELIGHT in the fact that Buh-Buh Ray is injured. "Rollmeout - it'smyknee." They're almost to the aisle when D-Von asks "Does it hurt?" "No, it doesn't hurt..." and he pops up and grabs B.B. by the hair. So, they lost the match...well, that's a LITTLE confusing. "Three days I've been waiting for this! I've been waiting for THREE days!" as D-Von sets up a table in the ring. The Dudleyz and B.B. in the ring - D-Von handing B.B. to his half-brother - face firmly in the cleavage (lucky bastard) and now POWERBOMBING THROUGH THE TABLE!! That'll put a trance on Buh-Buh Ray. D-Von performing last rites for B.B's benefit. She's OUT cold, and all I can do is think "Hmm, does she NEED all that eye shadow?" and "Is that REALLY her colour for lipstick?" No, I'm kidding. (Sorta.) EDGE & CHRISTIAN are back - too late, of course. The kick to Buh-Buh Ray doesn't seem to break the spell he's under - D-Von takes a chair to both Edge & Christian, then collects his brother and they make their way up the aisle...an eerie look coming over Buh-Buh Ray. Several replays of the powerbomb show that they learned their lesson taking shots from Terri's powerbomb - these angles look GREAT.

Mankind invades Manhattan - AGAIN!

Moments Ago, Buh-Buh Ray faked an injury, D-Von took the fall at the hands of the illegal man, BB was put through a table, and Edge & Christian felt the cold STEEL of the chair.

During the Break, the EMT was taken off by some OTHER EMT's - apparently unconscious. Don't worry, though - she's just fine. No, REALLY! Hey, she's a blonde - she's ALWAYS like that!

SCOTTY TOO HOTTY v. DEAN MALENKO - Hotty takes quick command with some punches - whip is reversed - after faking a dive, Hotty tries a moonsault, misses, drop toehold, dropkick, punching Malenko (who's out on the apron), sliding under and bringing him down the hard way. Head to the STEEL steps. Back in we go - EDDIE GUERRERO is out and back to exuding the "full dick heel mode" vibe, and as we turn back to the ring, we see that Malenko has somehow turned the tide...kicking away - knee onto the knee. Vertical suplex coming up - 1, 2, kickout. Right, right from Hotty, alternating again, now only Hotty landing. Whip, Malenko holds on, gutshot from Hotty, off the ropes, dropkick misses, rollup, Hotty rolls through and rains down some punches. A Greco-Roman eyepoke brings it back for Malenko. in the corner, leg draped over the second rope and Malenko continues the pinpoint attack - looks like he's picked HIS body part for the night. Commentators pick up on it too - I AM in heaven. "Eddy sucks" chant. Kneebreaker across the knee. Legbar - Hotty's shoulders down for 2 - 2 again. Malenko drops the knee onto the knee - another kneedrop on the knee - now going for a half crab, and standing on the back of the neck at the same time. No submission yet. Into the corner - backdrop suplex...Hotty punching away but he still drops him on his head. Hotty blocks a punch and lands - again - right, right, into the ropes, back body drop. Crowd coming alive, but Malenko again goes to the face. Into the corner, reversed, off the ropes with a bulldog! Hotty making the funny face - must be time for the Wurm. Yep! But Guerrero is looking sneaky...as Hotty climbs to the top, Guerrero is over to shove him into the ring the hardway. Malenko goes to the Tejas cloverleaf...and Hotty taps. (4:42) Post-match, Guerrero is in the ring and stomping away - Malenko begs him off - and then they BOTH stomp on him. (Ha! Now THAT'S "too cool!") GRAND MASTER SEXAY runs out to make the save - Guerrero scatters as Malenko feels the brunt of a DDT - Too Cool's music plays, but not before we get a shot of Guerrero making his infamous "kiss my ass" pantomime in their direction. It's two and oh for the bad guys...

This Monday, RAW airs at 11! 11! Not 8! 11! OK!

Exiting the Rock's locker room are Cactus Jack - and the Rock! Yes, friends - they're WALKING!

This time, you ARE watching UPN!

TAZZ vignette: "I'm not who you want to be - I'm who I have to be - this ain't no game - I don't play by rules - rules won't help you now - (survive) - you may beat me - but you'll never defeat me. The Mood is About to Change."

NEW AGE OUTLAWS (with giant TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. THE ROCK & JACK CONNECTION in a nontitle match - I'd just DIE if I didn't get the chance to Sing Along with the Outlaws! Hey, just 'cause the CROWD digs it doesn't mean *I* have to. Case in point - everything this Rock guy does. Jack channels Prince: "17 Days ...seventeen days, that's all there is until the biggest match of my life - at No Way Out - in Hell in a Cell. And Triple H thinks he's gonna put an end to my career - well, there's two things at Hell in the Cell...and my career ending is NOT one of them! You see, Triple H, YOU will be going down...and *I* will be going on...to WrestleMania! And tonight, boys, it may not be Hell in a Cell, but it sure will be Hell to Pay in Austin, Texas - Bangbang!" Rock's entrance starts EXACTLY at the top of the hour. Saints be praised, Rock has NO time on THE STICK! This is my DREAM show! The ring is duly rushed and let the Pier Four Brawl begin. Ass is dumped, Rock takes his position in the corner and Jack wails away on Dogg inside the ring. "Rock E" chant," natch. Whip into the corner is reversed, but Jack puts up an elbow. Right, right, and now back to wailing in the corner AGAIN, Ass is in, Ass is down. Into Rock's boot. Tag here. Ass staying in (no tag! Foul!, Rock dazzling the crowd with his punches - NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Off the rope, duck, leapfrog, Rock hits a back elbow anyway. Ass FINALLY manages to come back, reversing a whip into the corner and hitting a bulldog off the ropes. Say, where IS the Big Show this week? Tag to the Road Dogg, who quickly gives up the advantage - Rock (wow!) punching. Off the ropes, Dogg holds on, gutshot, off the ropes, Rock hits a Samoan Drop for 2. That's enough of the moves, let's go back to the punching! 1, 2, 3, crowd doesn't care as long as they can chant "Rock E." Off the ropes, Ass puts a boot in the back, Rock turns around and smacks him, but Dogg manages to keep him down with HIS kick on the way back. Jack in to distract referee "Blind" Earl Hebner, and the doubleteam is on. Dogg doing some kicking and punching of his own. Into the opposite corner, Rock comes out and Dogg ducks the clothesline - left, left, left, juke, jive, Rock slips the right, throws some rights of his own - 3, 4, off the ropes is reveresed, Rock ducks, gutshot and a DDT! 1, 2, Rock gets up as Ass is in the ring and ready to drop an elbow - but only finds his partner! Rock dumps him out of the ring - then hits Rock Bottom on Dogg! 1, 2...Ass pulls Hebner out of the ring! Jack ready to walk over and chat with Ass about things - but Hebner manages to separate them. Ass does a full lap, picking up his tag belt on the way in - there's a belt shot for the Rock! Dogg covers...1, 2, come on, this is the Rock, of COURSE he puts a shoulder up! Tag to Gunn - stomp, stomp, stomp, blatant choke which the ref misses as he's discussing airport directions with Jack. Gunn lets up on the choke when the ref turns back round. Tag to Dogg, stinging rights are actually putting the Rock on the mat this time. Cover - only 1. It IS the Rock, after all. Tag to Gunn, punching away...is the crowd chanting "Cactus Jack?" Off the ropes, reversed, duck, double clothesline and both men are down. Dogg wants the tag - Jack wants the tag - I'm thinking both of them will GET the tag - and I'm right. Down goes Road Dogg! Again! Again! Down goes Ass! Now ramming Dogg's head to the mat repeatedly. HE'S KNOSHING ON HIS SKULL! But Ass is over and putting him down with rights. Everybody rolls outside and now the Rock is over to join the party. Hebner is out to try to separate the illegal men - Rock putting Gunn over the barricade while Jack puts Dogg's head into the STEEL steps - and then goes under the ring for some plundah - coming up with a leadpipe! WHACK! Cover - Hebner is over - 1 - 2 - HE PULLS HIM UP! Jack either sending a message...or he simply forgot that that was the finish - now here's a PILEDRIVER! 1, 2, 3!!! (6:56) Jack's music plays and Rock comes into the ring to give us just a little taste of some posing as we head off to the break.

Here's a look at the governor's mansion - and here's the outside of the Frank Erwin Center! I've BEEN there! Pretend you care!

GANGREL & LUNA TUNES (with a burning ring o' far) v. JACQUELINE and PRINCE ALBERT in a mixed tag - Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Jacqueline won the battle (holding onto the Women's title against Luna), but lost the war (feeling the Impaler from Gangrel post-match). Good GOD Jackie wears some tight stuff - not only can I see THAT, but I can see THAT, too! Why Jackie is with Prince Albert instead of Viscera is a question that only goes to show that you and I have memories too long for this company. Jacqueline takes Luna from behind to start the match, then leaves her to Albert. Gangrel over to put a stop to THAT - whip into the corner, blind tag to Jacqueline, off the ropes, kneelift by Albert, sleeper by Jacqueline, punching away but Luna pulls her down. Scoop - and a slam, but Jacqueline rolls through and ends up on top - referee "Blind" Mike Sparks puts on the count - 1, 2, nope. Gutshot by Luna, DDT - 1, 2, 3. This match was TOO LONG. (:54) Post-match, Albert takes out Gangrel with a sitout powerbomb while Jackie gets a chance to take some revenge on Luna - there's a hairpull facefirst takedown...oops, that's it for this segment. Bye.

Rikishi Phatu - is - WALKING! Only when Rikishi is walking will you see the view from the backside - or rather, the view OF the backside.

Chris Benoit - is - WALKING! Only waist-up front shots if you're not Rikishi, please!

Mankind is taking over Manhattan! Him and the Chef, they're tight! Boy oh Boyardee - MMMM, BEEFY!

Too many exclamation points? You're right!!

The WWF Free-for-all of the week is brought to you by phonefree.com - from RAW on Monday, the (ugh) Radicals turn on Cactus Jack - and a FREE-FOR-ALL ensues!! Let Freedom Ring!!

RIKISHI PHATU v. CHRIS BENOIT - Benoit takes the early advantage - ore punches. Chop. Into the ropes, reversed, Benoit holds on - then runs into a Samoan Drop that ends up more like a backdrop, but with Phatu also LANDING on him in the process. Yowch! Benoit rolls outside and Phatu follows. Into the STEEL steps! Almost a heart punch there. Back in the ring - Benoit is up - and back...with a chop, kick, chop, into the ropes, DROP TOEHOLD! Dropkick to the head, off the ropes with an elbowdrop, cover - 2. Cole called the drop toehold a "leg sweep" again - I hate that. Benoit tries a faceplant, but Phatu turns it into a quasi-neckbreaker. Benoit staggers to a corner - Phatu with a PHAT ASS SPLASH! Motioning to the crowd - it seems a little early to try the sitout piledriver (sorry, Blue Thunder Super Fire Magic Summer Outstanding Perfection Driver) - sure enough, Benoit squirms free - waistlock, but Phatu elbows out of the attempt - going for a clothesline, but Benoit catches it and goes for the Crippler crossface! Phatu trying to keep him from locking it in - he's got the facelock but the arm isn't laced properly. Phatu DOES manage to get to the bottom rope. Benoit still all over him with punches. Into the corner, gutshot, NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX?!? And 2. Holy crap, Benoit suplexed him. He IS good. Sleeper - Phatu pushes him out and puts on a sleeper of his own. Benoit manages to turn it...into a BACKDROP SUPLEX! Climbing up for the swandive headbutt - but he MISSES! Benoit staggers to his feet - and eats a savat kick! Phatu waiting on him - Benoit walks into a BELLY-to-belly suplex! Dragging him to the corner - but DEAN MALENKO & PERRY SATURN are out and attacking Phatu (DQ 4:07), while EDDIE GUERRERO pulls Benoit out to safety. Meanwhile, TOO COOL are out to even things up - nice dropkick from Taylor...Saturn feels a BELLY-to-belly - everybody scatters...and now that the ring has been cleared of all those nasty wrestlers, NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE!!! Also, it's 2-2, for those of you scoring at home (and if you ARE scoring at home, why the heck are you keep tracking of who's winning the SmackDown! matches? [rimshot])

WrestleMania is *8* weeks away! Man, I feel like a Snickers for some reason...

There's only one thing harder than love - and it's - KORN?!?

NOW the only one thing harder than love is DOPE. Damn, I wish they'd MAKE UP THEIR DAMN MINDS.

Your commentators are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER - they are also network shills, as they hype "I Dare You: The Ultimate Challenge"

Steve Blackman works with his sticks...and is interrupted by the sounds of "Personality" played from the shower - he pulls back the curtain to reveal Al Snow with a boombox. "It's subliminal thinking! If you THINK you have a persoanlity, maybe...someday you'll eventually get one!" Blackman asks Snow to talk to his hand, puts a finger to his lips, takes the boombox, and presses STOP. Funaki happens by - "ohh, headchiz!" "You see, they're recognising you!" Blackman gives us his "frustration" look as only he can - tosses the stick over his shoulder and walks off. "Steve...Steve....IT'S WORKING!..."

SmackDown! is brought to you by MILK! Got milk? phonefree.com and WWF Meat Snax - get 'em at 7-Eleven and tell 'em Randy Savage did NOT send you!

HARDY BOYZ v. HEAD CHEESE (with Head & No Cheese) - crowd chants it, and Blackman expresses disapproval. You HAVE to agree with me now that this guy is THE finest actor working today in the WWF. (Errr, right?) Snow on Jeff with rapid-fire punches. In the corner, several rights, into the opposite corner, following with a lariat. Kicking now, back into the opposite corner, Jeff lands on the top rope and comes off with a twisting reverse Blockbuster (!) taking Snow's head to the mat. Into the friendly corner, tag, into the ropes, double back elbow, rolling senton/fistdrop combo, cover, 1. Right, Snow rakes Matt's face, scoop...and a slam. Blackman encouraging the cheers by discouraging them. Off the ropes, duck, gutshot, Matt sends him into the corner, tag to Jeff, Snow in the corner, all fours heelkick. Blackman in - Blackman down with a double legdrop - one across the chest, the other in a more sensitive area. Snow sends Matt out, then he and Blackman work the doubleteam on Jeff - nice double gutbuster. Snow holding up Matt for a lariat from Blackman which also serves as a spinebuster from Snow! Snow choking on Matt. Tag to...no, Matt dumped outside instead for Blackman to do his "facedrop onto the steps" move. Back in to Snow, who gets 2 before Jeff makes the save. Tag, open shot for Blackman. Stomping away on him - into the ropes, Lethal Kick ducked, crucifix by Matt for 2. Matt taken down with the patented missile shoulderblock. Scoop and a slam from Blackman - "Head Cheese" chant distracting him for just a moment - and Matt recovers enough to roll out of the way of the second-rope headbutt. Matt reverses into a Side Russian legsweep - now going for the tag - and making it! Dropkick to Blackman, legsweep for Snow, mulekick on Blackman, clothesline out of the ring onto Snow - TOPE CON HILO onto Snow - Jeff is NUTS. Matt, meanwhile, hits his "Twist of Fate" Diamond Cutter-alike on Blackman - but before Jeff can hit the senton bomb and seal it, THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ are out with a chair and a WHACK for Jeff, who falls off the top rope to the mat. Lawler: "Is the ref blind AND deaf?" It's only a matter of time, now - Blackman has him in the backbreaker for Snow's guillotine legdrop - Too Cool calls (called) it the Veg-O-Matic - I suppose this team will call it the Grilled Cheese - at any rate, it's still a finisher that works. 1, 2, 3. (5:04) Snow celebrates the victory, while Blackman makes "intense" faces. Snow relishes in the chant, though. "It's working! It's working!" I guess we'll ignore that the heels helped them since they REALLY were just lashing out against their face enemies, the Hardyz.

RAW at 11! 11! LIVE (on the other coast)! 11!

I ain't watchin' "I Dare You" until somebody DIES on that show.

Visiting wwf.com is like picking your nose, apparently

The Hollys are WALKING! Hardcore says he has a bad feeling about Jericho wanting a Handicap match with one arm tied behind his back and no disqualification...Crash says no, he didn't WANT to do it, but he came back a few minutes later and BEGGED for the match! Anybody else got an idea what's going on here? Hint: who was Jericho left in the ring with at the end of his match on RAW?

CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO v. HOLLYS (with Scale Holly) in a "no DQ" bout - Jericho with one arm tied behind his back - "Welcome to Austin is Jericho! And I know that all of you Jerichoholics are wondering why I'm coming to the ring like this - well, being a legendray champion - and a bad mamma jamma - it makes no difference whether I have one hand behind my back, or if I decide to tie both arms, both legs behind my back, set up the two Holly pins, roll down this rampway and score a 7-10 Idiot Split, becoming the Ayatollah of Rock and *Bowla* - because for Bob Holly - and (singing) His Boy Elroy - the end result will be the same - a Y2J beating that they will never, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER forget - agayne!" Seeing referee "Blind" Teddy Long in the ring suddenly TOTALLY explains this for me - see, it was LONG that put Jericho up to wrestling *Nick Patrick* with one arm tied behind his back a few years back in WCW! Remember THAT? No? Oh. Well, SOMEBODY must have, or they wouldn't have set that up for me so PERFECTLY! (Or IS it just coincidence? Eh.) Hardcore Holly, by the way, stars in some UPN movie tomorrow which will only be worth watching to ogle Syndra - err, I didn't say that. Again we're reminded that Chyna is off taping "Third Rock from the Sun" - apparently, she'll also be on Leno tomorrow night - hey, maybe she'll challenge Goldberg! Naah. Before the Hollys get too much of an advantage, some familiar music plays and out come the ACOLYTE PROTECTION AGENCY, who work over both Hollys while Jericho sits on a turnbuckle watching. Clothesline from Hell on Crash - Dominator on Crash - Jericho covers Crash - 1, 2, 3. (1:10) Cole says it's time for a Hardy injury update - Jeff apparently needed stitches for a cut above his eye, AND Matt suffered a separated shoudler - damn, that Head Cheese really *is* a LETHAL team!

Backstage, X-Pac asks Helmsley if he's sure about this match. Helmsley tells him he's worrying too much - Kane couldn't beat EITHER of them one-on-one, so how can there be a problem in the Handicap match? Now, you know how I am *loathe* to make comparisons to the other federation during these reports, but thinking about this bit calls to mind comments that Scott made about the Harrisses and Sid Vicious and main events and such during last night's THUNDER! - in short, the difference between getting it right...and being WCW.

The Smack of the Night is brought to you by MILK! Of course, it's not from tonight - it's from Monday, and it's Kane's return. Hey, for purposes of the storyline, who else COULD bust Kane out of the asylum but his father? Still doesn't COMPLETELY explain why he's BACK with him, of course, but...

TREBLE H & X-PAC (with Stephanie Ono & Tori) v. THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (with Paul Bearer) - Did this WHOLE show go by without me hearing (a) a talking-only segment and (b) Triple H's dreadful theme music? THIS *IS* MY DREAM SMACKDOWN!! Lawler finally lends voice to those of us wondering what the heck Bearer's doing with him. H attacks Kane as he gets in the ring - that doesn't work - X-Pac tries a shot - Kane turns to him and X-Pac decides perhaps he should just walk out through the crowd instead. Ha! Kane follows - and catches up to him! Back over the barricade we go - that is a BIG, BIG man in the front row there. Kane is stopped with a flying clothesline from the apron from Triple H. I hear he's The Game (what game? Hungry Hungry Hippos?) Here's a doubleteam on the outside. Head to the STEEL steps, knife-edge chops, kicks, punches, Helmsley bests the Rock by throwing an astonishing *TWENTY* rights in a row. Now rolling Kane back in the ring, yet another right, tag, off the ropes, reversed, facecrusher by H, spinning heel kick by X-Pac. Zombie situp! X-Pac is a little frightened but tries to take it to him - Kane absorbs everything and unleashes a series of uppercuts. Into the opposite corner, got him by the throat in a double choke - H comes in to kick him in the nuts while referee "Blind" Earl Hebner talks body painting with Tori. X-Pac off the ropes with a lightning legdrop - there's another - 1, 2, POWERFUL kickout by Kane. Reaching for the tag, and there it is. Open shot from Triple H. Right hand, Kane fires back. Trading again, now it's all Kane, off the ropes, head down, the Champ hits a DDT. 1, 2, no. Tag to X-Pac. Kick, right, arm wringer, kick, right, right, trifecta kicks, crotch chop, ready for the broncobuster, but Kane catches him in a choke - H comes in to prevent THAT, and there's a double suplex. 1, kickout - AGAIN with authority. Tag to H, right, right, right, Kane slowly starts the no-sell. Right, no, right, right, right, right, right, Kane grabs Helmsley's throat and puts him in the corner - right, left, right, left, right, uppercut, X-Pac in - X-Pac into H - X-Pac bealed out, H taken off the ropes for the big boot - there's a boot for X-Pac as well - up to the top, Kane's gonna fly now - top rope clothesline! X-Pac on top to try to sneak one in - but Kane catches him in a choke again - CHOKESLAM! H takes a chokeslam as well! Stephanie bringing a chair in to Helmsley. WHACK. Hebner calls for the bell (DQ 5:27) as Kane slowly turns around and works some rage for us. H turns around - and ends up bumping chests with Kane - uppercut - he grabs the chair - WHACK! Kane chairs him. Stephanie is on and tending to her husband - Kane looking her way...then deciding to work over X-Pac instead. Now *Tori* is in the ring, grabbing the chair from Kane - Kane turns around and looks at Tori...as he grabs her throat, SIX REFEREES come in one by one from the back - all six go down at the hands of Kane - meanwhile, Paul Bearer is in and preventing Tori from leaving. Pushing her into Kane's waiting grasp - he's got her in the choke...he has her in the choke...Bearer directing Kane to do it while Hebner screams at him NOT to do it...Tori making a helpless face for Kane...X-Pac and the Helmsleys are out on the ramp, screaming as well. Kane's got her - he's gonna let her go. Crowd boos. Ha! What a big softie - NO! He's gonna TOMBSTONE her! Everybody goes nuts - including the three standing on the ramp. X-Pac has a GREAT look on him as his nookie crumples in the ring. Kane cues the flashpots - and we're out.

Well, damned if Kane isn't over again.

Now...what do you DO with him?

I LOVE THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION!!!!!!!!!!

(Hey - if you didn't enjoy THIS show, YOU'RE BIASED.)

Don't miss Heat! Don't do it! You'll be sorry if you do! Trust me!