A LITTLE BIT MORE FAMOUS: In the meantime, it's nice to know that even after getting all pissy and leaving WrestleManiacs in a huff that nobody noticed - for a site that no one likes, or bothers to look up his stuff on - a certain corpulent commentator is STILL so vain to see if I talk about him - and then, for an encore, steal an allegedly funny line without crediting me or acknowledging violation of anyone's copyright. So, in the spirit of fair use, I heartily encourage you to click here (142K .wav) to hear the excerpted results. (Thanks to Arthur Kimes for being the first person to bring this to my attention.) Oh by the way, that distinctive chuckle belongs to NONE OTHER THAN 1Bob Ryder. I guess if he'd had known it was MY line, he probably wouldn't have found it funny at all...RIGHT? A question for the Rotund One - which is more damaging to a respective ego - YOU not mentioning ME on a show NOBODY listens to, or ME not mentioning YOU in a Nitro report read by BILLIONS? (Disclaimer: I may be exaggerating various numbers for comedic effect.)

ON THE EDGE: For the second time, I was invited to appear on RealAudio wrestling program The EDGE, where I dutifully put over WrestleManiacs as a good employee should - then spent about a half hour with Greg Dillard marveling at how badly WCW sucks. If you end up clicking, stick around for the interview with Nova, too.

I feel I must warn you. Scott Keith will be LIVE on the show Monday, where he'll have been forced to sit through SuperBrawl. It could get ugly. Fortunately, he has my two appearances to use as primers for "how to project ENERGY! in a radio appearance" and I think he'll do MUCH better than he did for the Royal Rumble one. C'mon, Netkop, make us all proud!

I also hear that Rick Scaia is on the future guest list. WRESTLEMANIACS TAKES OVER! SCOOPS BLOWS CHUNX!!

No word yet on anyone who may have said something along the lines of "I don't know if I'd say yes if they'd only ask me" being asked yet, but stay tuned!

MORE SMARTASS REMARKS: Anybody heard from Chris Hiatus yet? That guy was gonna blow me away, he was. I mean, he was the KING and everything! Okay, that's enough of that. Anyway, it's a good thing that at least *Dusty* is still bringing the--d'oh!

KINGS UPDATE: 30-20, 9.5 GB Portland and 5th place in the Pacific - losing to Phoenix Tuesday (the first Tuesday loss of the season) and now we're half a game behind 'em - one game behind Seattle - so really it ain't that bad. I'd PREFER a win, however. Come to think of it, we really should have beaten Utah tonight - we're only half a game behind THEM!

HEY! You're watching UPN!

Home of the GIANT TV-PG-DLV ratings box! One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Here's some "highlights" from Monday, last Thursday and MAN Stephanie's been kinda "screechy" lately, hasn't she? Did I really NOT call it a German suplex Monday? I guess I was tired. Anyway, Benoit pinned the Rock, the Big Show chokeslammed the Rock, and the Rock generally had a bad night - making it a pretty GOOD night...for me. But this report isn't about ME! No sir! Not MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME oh pardon ME. Anyway, Cactus Jack and the Rock eventually conspired to help Kane defeat the Big Show and Triple H, thus ensuring that he WOULD get his NHB match with X-Pac at No Way Out. YOU can call it "a fine way to catch up for those of us who couldn't stay up until 1am" - I'M calling it "three minutes I don't get back" although I *did* kinda like the background music.

Opening Credits - Closed Captioned Symbol - Moving On

It's PYRO and OVALS and EN ESPANOL DONDE SEA DISPONIBLE - we are at the Selland Arena in Frefno, CA (Slogan: "Where They Come for the Raisins and Stay for the Fact that We're Not Bakersfield") 17.2.2K (but taped 15.2) - home of the - what, '95? - Royal Rumble and TONIGHT'S WWF SMACKDOWN!

Out back, a big bus pulls up - it's got "DX EXPRESS" above the front windshield (yuk yuk yuk) and exiting are the members of DX and their associated women.

Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. Oh what a night! The OvalTron is on the RIGHT!

And here *are* DX & STEPHANIE ONO & TORI come out to lay out tonight's proceedings as Cole lays out what we know about the upcoming PPV - several big matches already announced, which you will find elsewhere, or as I find the time. By the way, people were making a big deal of the "NWO" acronym TWO YEARS AGO - can we PLEASE get over it, already? Interestingly, both the graphic AND ring announcer Tony Chimel just announce them all as D-Generation X - are Steph and Tori official members now? Mr. Ass has the first run-in with the microphone and that means I can take a pass on the transcription - booya! Ass says they're not blonde chicks and you can't just put 'em through tables. Dogg says THEY were putting people through tables before the Dudleys were brought up from "the minor leagues." Dogg says the Dudleys have the proverbial snowball's chance in hell of winning the titles at No Way Out. X-Pac is up next, with a lot of sarcastic thanks to Triple H (and for our benefit!) and words for Kane. He won't get retribution for stealing away Tori (is she wearing a chandelier?) "So thanks a lot, buddy!" Triple H is next - we pause for an unkind chant - I hear Triple H is the Game (what game? Trouble?) "Cactus Jack - No Way Out - Hell in the Cell - you know, Cactus it wasn't that long ago you and I were face to face at the Royal Rumble - in probably one of the greatest fights of all time - I left my blood, I left parts of my body in New York City - you and I, we went through hell - well at No Way Out, hell will be contained in a cell." "Rock E" chant for no good reason "Hell will start for you at No Way Out and it will continue from there on out, because real hell for you will be every day after that when you step out of bed, too beaten up to walk straight, too crippled to play with your children - your brain too scrambled to remember where in the hell you live! And there will be no fans to cheer for you - there will be none of these morons lifting you up - telling you it's okay - Cactus Jack - you say that you have a dream - Mick Foley, you tell the WORLD about your dream to win the WWF title from me and to go on to WrestleMania as the main event - well I have a dream too. My dream, Cactus Jack, is to be in the World Wrestling Federation WITHOUT YOU IN IT! Cactus Jack, savour the last bit of time you have as a World Wrestling Federation superstar, because your days are numbered. Cactus Jack, Hell in the Cell, No Way Out, I will put an end to your career, once and for all." Turning to X-Pac, H says that he is sorry about what happened Monday - his plans went awry. He wants to make it up to him, though, so he says that he'll take care of X-Pac's problems by taking care of Kane tonight. It's a one-on-one matchup between Triple H and Kane. X-Pac says that doesn't do much for him, though, but perhaps he'd like to put the title on the line. I'm not sure that makes any sense to ME, but Triple H goes with it, "to show you the kinda guy I am." Hey, maybe it's all just a giant swerve. "Now I'm impressed - now I'm impressed, man." X-Pac says he'll do something for HIM now - he'll take on Cactus Jack and pin him in the middle of the ring. Now Triple H says HE'S not impressed - and asks director Kevin Dunn to roll the footage from Monday of Jack pushing down Tori on his way to the ring. "Now I don't know about you, but it gets me hot when I see Cactus Jack run down a ramp and tackle an innocent looking waif like Tori." H suggests that perhaps a better way to end this would be to take on Cactus Jack in a falls count anywhere, Hardcore match. X-Pac says he'll do it. H turns to the Outlaws and says now THEY can do some impressing - by putting the tag team belts on the line against the Rock - Outlaws look perturbed and crowd chants away - oh, and the Big Show. Outlaws figure out that THAT pairing of tag team partners are more likely to take out *each other* than them and give an okay. Triple H finishes by promising Kane that at the end of his match, he'll feel like he got hit by a bus. Is that like BELIEVING you're a bus?

Backstage, Mae Young and Mark Henry talk about Mae liking it black - her coffee - get disgusting while the Hollys look on. "All that talk about edible panties - you make me sick!" "Well, it WILL make you sick - if you eat a lot of 'em! (pause for laughs that don't come) Besides, y'all too pent up - it's obvious y'all gettin' none!" Hardcore says Young has had more hands on her than a doorknob - she's trailer park trash. Henry suggest he watch his mouth - then the Hollys beat him down, just happening to shove Mae Young into some conveniently placed mats along the way. The camera zooms in and out like this was one of those old AT&T ads. And we take our first break twenty minutes in.

WrestleMania is *7* weeks away! The Snickers logo does not lie!

Moments!Ago, two paragraphs ago - same thing

phonefree.com presents WWF No Way Out - in ten days!

THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (with Paul Bearer) v. TREBLE H (with Stephanie Ono) for the WWF Championship - Triple H jerking the curtain in the opening match? Now I've seen everything! Your referee is Tim White. Kane wearing his road jersey tonight. HE MAKES THE "I WANT DA BELT" HAND MOTION!! then rushes him. Duck, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, yep, he's the Game. Whip is reversed by Kane, but H puts up and elbow - then runs into a Kane clothesline. Head to the buckle. Uppercut, Kane says "I can throw nine rights as well." H slumps into an adjacent corner and Kane works some uppercuts. To the ropes we go, through the ropes we go, Kane over the top and outside to follow. Uppercut. H manages to put up a boot, throw a punch, head to the commentary desk is blocked, and Kane throws H onto the table. Rather blatant choke - White over to try to break it up - Kane making menacing looks and he scatters. There's a hiptoss onto the floor! White politley suggests getting back in the ring - Kane rolls him in and follows. Off the ropes, head down, DDT by the champ. ZOMBIE SITUP! Right, no sell, right, no sell, right, H going to his stock and trade - Flair impersonations. Backing up, Kane with three rights, off the ropes, big ol' sidewalk slam, to the top rope for the flying clothesline that never hits before Kane's feet are back on the mat. Here comes the OUTLAWS & X-PAC to administer a tripleteam beatdown - for some reason, White doesn't call for the bell here - maybe it's no holds barred and no one told me. Now X-Pac is outside the ring and working over Paul Bearer - everybody else follows. Now Kane is up with a zombie situp and slowly following. We watch DX and Paul Bearer walk out of the building - I bet if Paul went dead weight, he'd STILL be a bit too much to handle. I think "bastard" was the muted word. Anyway, Bearer is pushed into the luggage compartment of the DX Express - but now Kane's caught up to them and is trying to wail away on the four - but yet again X-Pac throws a Golota. Kane is shoved in with Bearer, and they direct the bus to take off. Where's it goin'? Don't know. Hi-5's are exchanged all around. Hmm, let's call it (no contest 4+)

WWF: The Music (Volume 4) ad - whatever happened with that H-Blockx video, anyway? The answer is Austin got injured, silly!

Moments!ago, 2 paragraphs ago

OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE, AMERICAN HERO, OMLETTE CHEF AND EUROPEAN CHAMPION KURT ANGLE v. THAT SLUT CHYNA (and her Bazooka) for the European Championship - Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Chyna hit a DDT on Angle that the cameras missed - and so did Angle, let's be honest. "It is to my understanding ... please - it is to my understanding that late Monday night, millions of children went to bed crying their eyes out because of the cowardly attack Your Olympic Hero suffered at the hands of Chyna - it's true (it's true) and this is how I know. Parents have called me saying, saying this - that their children were having nightmares about Chyna attacking them as well. Now, that's pretty horrifying as it is, but to even have Chyna in your dreams is bad enough - I don't even like to think about it. But I just want to say to all of you - my fans - and also my fans in Luxembourg, Denmark and especially Belgium - that Your European Champion is AOK. Now, I have more good news. After I defeat Chris Jericho at No Way Out, Your Olympic Hero will once again represent the United States of America and become the intercontinental champion." Lockup, fireman's carry by Angle, little wooo, what's Triple H think of this match? Armdrag by Angle, armdrag, little bigger wooo now. Gobehind, waistlock takedown, front face, Chyna to her knees, slips out and goes to a hammerlock. What the hell is this mat wrestling stuff? Angle puts a foot over the bottom rope. Angle goes low, Chyna dumps him over the top rope to the floor. She's outside, and laying in with the heels. Whip into the STEEL ringpost! Chyna picks him up and drops him across the barricade. Stomp! Stomp! Whip into the STEEL steps. Kick. Chyna plays to the crowd, but maybe kept her back turned too long. Angle is over with his title belt - WAFFLE! Referee "Blind" Chad Patton seemed to actually see that because he calls for the bell (DQ 2:10). Back in the ring we all go - before Angle can strike again, CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO is out and he's fists o' fire. Angle manages the reverse fireman's carry and celebrates - Chyna gives him a Golota. Angle takes off while Jericho and Chyna check on the bumps in each other's heads. Jericho's music plays as Chyna is announced the winner.

Backstage, the Acolytes have set up an APA office door (with no adjoining wall) - Henry and Young knock on it anyway. Umm, there's no walls! I DARE you to walk around it! The Acolytes are playing cards - the chalkboard behind them has the stylistic "APA" logo written on it. "I need y'all to watch my woman, she's with child." Bradshaw asks for the dough, Henry produces it and they give the okay. "Ohh, Mark..." ugh. Henry walks out the door (that's so lame it's funny - I guess) while Young checks out the Faarooq's poker hand.

Mankind invades Manhattan! And eats ravioli!

Mary J. Blige has big feet - you know what they say about women with big feet....uh huh....whoooaaaa

Our commentators shill for "I Dare You: the Ultimate Challenge."

The bus is BACK! No indication of where Kane and Bearer might have been dropped off...or if they're still in there.

Backstage, Young asks if she can play. "I've been known to play a hand or two." She produces a bankroll and Bradshaw wastes no time dealing out a hand...

TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ v. GANGREL (with a burning ring o' far and no Luna Tunes) - Aha, I see it must be time once again for Luna's yearly "right about the time she MIGHT get a WrestleMania women's title shot" suspension. Cole tells us that Mark Henry has challenged both Hollys to a handicap match. RAW is at the Georgia Dome next Monday - it'll be interesting to see if the whole show goes without Vince showing his mug in some way. Lawler tells us that a Cactus Jack interview is next. Gangrel tries a clothesline, it's ducked, big back body drop by Tazz. Tazz stomps, right, off the ropes, head down, kick by Gangrel, clothesline, kick, right, right, kick, right, Tazz with a knee, Gangrel with repeated rights, Tazz with a right, Gangrel with a kick, Tazz with a Overhead Northern Lights Tazzplex for 2. Tazzline, drop toehold (or if you're Cole, "legsweep"), Tazz just mauling him. There's a ... something Tazzplex - Gangrel somehow kicks out at 2. Tazzmission! Gangrel taps. (1:28)

LILIAN GARCIA is backstage with Cactus Jack. "Ten days, Lilian - that's all it is - ten days - until we find out whether I go on to WrestleMania, or whether I'm done for good, and you see I've got two things that keep my mind occupied nonstop, all the time!! One of them is doing the one thing I never have before - winning the WWF title and going on to WrestleMania, but you see what Triple H did is he just hit me with the truth, and the truth does hurt! I DO hurt when I get up in the morning! Sometimes my brains DO feel like scrambled eggs! And sometimes I sure as hell can't remember where I live! So I'm not about to come out here and guarantee victory - I'm not about to come out here and tell you it won't be the last time I ever lace up my boots and walk down the aisle, but what I will guarantee beyond the shadow of a doubt is that win or lose, Hell in the Cell will be the *damnedest* thing you've ever seen, so Triple H wherever you are, you listen up and you listen up close. And you realise, I've got some very bad thoughts running through my head, and foremost in that is I will guarantee that I will, one more time, go up to the top of the cage and fly off, but it won't be a damn table I crash through at Hell in the Cell - it will be YOUR BODY! So you think about that, Triple H - you think about it! No I can't guarantee that I will ever compete in the WWF again, but I can guarantee that YOU SUFFER." Garcia asks him if he's prepared to fight X-Pac tonight. Jack says he's not doing any planning except for Triple H, so tonight he'll rely on his instincts - and his instincts are telling him to kick X-Pac's teeth all over Fresno - beware of flying molars - bangbang!

You are STILL watching UPN! No, the TV didn't magically change channels on you!

Mae Young has a full house - 3's over 2's - "I win, don't I? Oh boy, I really enjoy doing this! This is a lotta fun! Oh boy, aren't you boys enjoying this too? This is great! I betcha you enjoy playing with me, don'cha, I beatcha, did I? Oh, thank you, let's play some more."

CACTUS JACK (with Giant TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. X-PAC (with Tori) in a Falls Count Anywhere, Hardcore Rules match - That bit with Hansen's Energy Drink didn't last too many months, did it? X-Pac sends Tori back before hitting the ring. Cactus immediately takes charge with a pummelin'. Bangbang! Running knee! Double leg takedown, Jack repeatedly bashes X-Pac's head into the canvas - laying the boots into the head. Clothesline takes BOTH men out to the floor. Right hand. X-Pac FINALLY decides to try some offense out, here's a kick, right, and then he sends him into the STEEL stepsrabbing a chair, he hits him in the back - but it has no effect. Jack shoots X-Pac across the commentary table, and he ends up laying on the chairs that the commentators were sitting in up until a few minutes ago. Jack goes for a STEEL chair and puts it in the gut. Here's a WHACK to the head. Cover on the floor - referee "Blind" Jim Korderas counts 2. "Foley" chant as he rolls 'Pac back in the ring. Right, off the ropes, duck, spinning heel kick by X-Pac. In the corner, there's the X-Pac trifecta. Ready to try the broncobuster, but Jack gets out of the way and there's a crotchin'. Jack goes outside to make a wish - and pulls 'Pac into the post. Jack pulls him to the outside and takes him into the STEEL steps. Right hand, He's on the apron - second rope...but X-Pac decides he's had enough and takes off. Jack runs after him - out by the tech table, now behind the curtain, up a flight of stairs - hmmm, this took us to...X-Pac with a table to Jack's head - very little effect. Up another flight of stairs - by some screaming fans - Jack ends up taking a chair through the air to the face (well, hopefully to his hands protecting his face - but it's such a damn good shot that even a super-slo-mo can't quite tell me whether he is or not) - X-Pac goes outside. I'm guessing the bus is out there. Well, I was close. DX is out there. Right into the Gentle Giant truck! Ahh, THERE'S the bus. Jack tries to fight back but he's one and they're four. Jack and H get on the bus and trade blows. Have a seat, Triple H! I gues Triple H is in charge - Jack pushed out onto the street - all four men lay in the boots while Stephanie shouts instructions. Jack is thrown into the baggage compartment (formerly containing Bearer and Kane) - 'Pac counts a 3 count for H. Dogg shouts "There's No Way Out!" and H sends the bus on it's way...Dogg sings "Another one rides the bus!" Ha! I guess what I wanna know is - what the heck happened to that *ref*? Let's call it (no contest 5:20)

Mankind takes Manhattan! And eats ravioli! AGAIN!

Moments!Ago, what other channel do they think we're WATCHING the FIRST time this is on?

SmackDown! is brought to you by MILK!, the WWF Shop Zone, an Honda motorcycles - the motorcycles preferred by the 2-11 demographic

TOO COOL v. PERRY SATURN & DEAN MALENKO - It's a big six-man at No Way Out - Saturn & Malenko & Benoit against Too Cool & Rikishi Phatu. Let Us Take You Back to RAW and show you how the evil lead pipe helped Guerrero and these two take out Phatu's leg. Tonight, Eddie Guerrero challenges Rikishi Phatu - huh? We'll find out later, I guess. Lockup, Saturn with knees to Scotty Too Hotty, off the ropes, back elbow by Saturn. Gut him up in a press, Scotty counters with a neat headscissors! Duck, right, right, right, off the ropes, flying headscissors! Malenko in, dropkicked out, but Saturn got in his shot. Waistlock, two back elbows from Scotty, but there's a flattening clothesline by Saturn. Malenko tagged in. Benoit not here tonight, he's off having a kid - well, not HIM, but. Malenko with a staggering series of chain wrestling - Hotty revereses with an overhead reverse suplex - wow. Sexay tagged in - hip toss - scoop slam - second rope dropkick - 1, 2, Saturn breaks it up. Sexay gives him a clothesline on the apron, but Malenko takes charge with a clothesline of his own - off the ropes, heel kick, tag, Malenko kicks, Saturn takes him over with a gutwrench - oh was that an Exploding suplex? Scotty leading the American Males clap on the outside as Malenko whips Sexay, reversed - Saturn whipped into Malenko, then they fall into the "my head ends up accidentally crotching you" spot - poor Saturn. Sexay DDT's Malenko and makes the HOT TAG! Right, right, right, off the ropes, reversed by Malenko, Sunset flip by Hotty, Malenko tries to counter into the Tejas cloverleaf, Hotty tries a surprise rollup, Saturn breaks it up. Saturn taken off the ropes, double back elbow, double pose, but instead of dropping the elbows, they see Malenko coming to - there's a double dropkick! Atomic drop for Saturn by Hotty, superkick from Sexay. Malenko taken into the corner, off the rope bulldog by Hotty, and now it's time for the Wurm. hoo, hoo, hoo, hai-yah! Dropkick by Sexay on Saturn, double clothelsine to take him outside. EDDIE GUERRERO, meanwhile, has snuck in with the lead behind the back of referee "Blind" Jack Doan and rocks Scotty's world. Malenko covers, 1, 2, 3. (4:00) There was a DAMN lot happening in that four minutes. Sexay tries to work over Saturn and Malenko post-match but Guerrero and the lead turn the tide. Here comes RIKISHI PHATU - it seems his ankle is bothering him a lot more than it did after the cameras went off on Monday (wink wink) as he's hobbling down the aisle. Malenko & Saturn both go outside to meet him - or, rather, meet some straight rights. Saturn sent into the STEEL steps. Phatu in the ring now. Ducks a clothesline from Malenko - Samoan Drop! Going for Saturn, but Guerrero Gillooly's him - and now Saturn's gonna Pillmanise his ankle! Malenko puts half of the steps into the ring - they're gonna use them on the chair - BOOM. The rest of the REFS come out (a bit late) while the bodies in the ring are rearranged. Saturn has the sunglasses - Guerrero on one side and Malenko on the other - and they strike the Too Cool & Rikishi Phatu pose! Now THAT is too cool! On his way back up the aisle, Malenko gives us a mock limp. HAAA! I LOVE THESE GUYS! AND THEY'RE IN THE WWF! WOOOOOOOOOOOO

Now, the REAL question is - who is givin whom a rub here?

Moments!Ago, see above

Backstage, we see the EMT's load up Phatu, who says "I think it's broke." Too Cool's in the ambulance with him.

Moments!Ago, again

EDDIE GUERRERO is back out and putting quite the badmouth on ring announcer TONY CHIMEL. "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Guerrero insists that I announce him as the winner of this match by forfeit!" Referee "Blind" Mike Sparks is forced to raise his hand, and Eddie celebrates like he's Kurt Angle. Haa! Here come SATURN & MALENKO to join the celebration! "I did it!! I DID IT!!" Hugs all around - Guerrero put on their shoulders! This just rocks the house on every level.

Backstage, the card game continues. "Hit me!" "I'd love to..." "Say, you wouldn't happen to have an extra cigar, would you?" She chomps off the end and spits. "Light me." The Acolytes express incredulity. "You're not supposed to inhale..." "What'ssat?"

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY attempts to interview the Rock, but suddenly finds himself talking to the hand. Crowd gives us "Rock E" until the cows come home. As per my earlier promise, you get the Rock: "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Frezzzzz-no. The Rock says this, there are certain things that go together - salt and pepper...bacon and eggs...the Big Show and euuuooouuuaaauueeaaaghh...and the Rock and WrestleMania. So the Rock says this, Big Show, the Rock realises what type of task he has at No Way Out, Big Show, the Rock realises that this is gonna be without a shadda-ava-doubt one of the biggest and hardest matches in the Rock's career, but the Rock says this - Big Show, the Rock is gonna walk into No Way Out (the Rock isn't gonna run), the Rokc is gonna walk into No Way Out and beat your candyass from pillar to post. One - two - three. And the Rock ... and the Rock IS going to WrestleMania, and the Rock is becoming THE next WWF...Champion." Kelly tries again; Rock steals the mic. "As for tonight, DX you think you're real cute, you think you got all the answers by go ahead and booking the match with the Rock against the Outlaws, with the Rock's tag team partner as the Big Show. Well the Rock says this, Big Show, the Rock does not WANT you as a partner, the Rock does not NEED you as a partner. And the fact of the matter is this Big Show, DX, the Rock has already got a partner. The Rock has already got a partner, Big Show, in which YOU can never have. The Rock has a partner in which you WILL never have. And the Rock's partner tonight is....the People. ... So you see, Big Show, the Rock says this - if you even come down to the ring, if you enne-entertain the thought, the notion of coming within ten feet of the Rock, then the Rock says the Rock is gonna give you the biggest Smackdown your seven foot, five hundred pound big fat candyass has ever seen! ... If ya smellllllllalalalalowwww what the Rock is cookin'."

Rock inventing his own new kinda grammar up there?

WrestleMania 2000 for the N64 ad

Mankind invades - nah, not again for

WWF: The Music (Volume 4) ad - geez, three WWF-theme ads in a row? 'supwitdat?

And now the fastest way to send money worldwide brings you the Fastest Slam of the Week - Essa Rios' huracanrana of Crash Holly, Lita's huracanrana, and the twin moonsaults from RAW.

Finally, the Acolytes have won a hand. "Man, I'm kinda thirsty, you guys wouldn't have an extra beer, would you?" Faarooq: "Now hold it there - you know, you with child, and that wouldn't be good for the baby." "You don't think the baby would mind just one, would you?" Bradshaw slams one down on the table. "I hate her!" "'swrong with this woman, man?" Young has Faarooq hold her cigar while she pours a cup.

EDGE (you think you Shlomo him) & CHRISTIAN v. BIG BOSSMAN & PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN - Edge & Christian take on the Hardy Boyz in a #1 Contender's Match at No Way Out - that would be the #1 Contenders AFTER the CURRENT #1 Contenders, the Dudleyz, right? Eh. Another announcement of the Georgia Dome RAW for Monday. So Albert and Bossman are friends again? Mmmm. Did I mention the bus is back? I can't remember. Big "Shave your back" chant. Bossman and Christian in the ring - knockdown by Bossman following the powerout from the side headlock. Into Albert's boot, tag, pound, shoulderblock, Edge in, Edge pressed - but instead of slammed, he lands on his feet and dropkicks Albert. Christian off the ropes with a dropkick as well. Double dropkick for the Bossman, taking him outside, Albert with a double clothesline. Edge thrown out to Bossman, who works him over and puts him back in for Albert. Bossman tagged in - boot up, but Bossman puts him into the corner hard and punches away. Edge fighting back. Into the corner, spear misses as Bossman steps away. Sliding outside, he's trying to break the arm wrapping it around the corner. Christian flies over to break that up - Referee "Blind" Tim White over to put Christian back in the corner, so Albert comes in and hits the catapult, the second rope meeting Edge's throat. Bossman back in and drawing the ire of the crowd. Backbreaker? Then shoved to the mat hart. Head to the turnbuckle, right, Edge with a right, trading again, Bossman with unanswered punches. Into the opposite corner, no reversed back to the sternum-first shot into the corner. Edge backs up and collides with Bossman's head. Here's his chance - boot up, spinning heel kick, both men down - both men tag. Duck, right, right, right, Albert shoves him, but runs into the boot - Christian up top - trying for the 'rana but Albert just stops him in his tracks and pulls him back up, Christian punches a few more times, gets down, whip into the corner, but he sidesteps it and Albert goes sternum-first into the corner. Christian up on the second rope - tornado Slop Drop! Edge spears Bossman for good measure while Christian covers - 1, 2, KICKOUT?? Wow. Christian taken off the ropes, grab the leg, Bossman! but he doesn't, Christian trying the Sunset flip, Albert reaching and grabbing Bossman - Edge with a top rope dropkick to complete the Sunset flip - 1, 2, 3! (4:10) Post-match, Bossman and Albert aren't done. Of course, if they had been so inclined a moment earlier, perhaps they could have WON THE MATCH. Albert does his Blizzard Triscuit Driver on both men, then Bossman does a little body work with the nightstick. Now play Bossman's music!

Young has a straight flush. "Read 'em and weep, baby!" They're drinking Natural Light? "You smoked all our cigars." "You drank all our beer." "And won all our money." "All our money. What could you possibly want?" Young gives all the money back. "Come with me..." She leads them out the door (the CAMERAMAN, at least, walks AROUND the door), and as they walk on...

The WWF Smack of the Night is presented by MILK! From Earlier Tonight, the Hollys lay some smack down on Mark Henry, and take out Young in the process.

HARDCORE & CRASH HOLLY (with Scale Holly) v. SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY in a "no DQ" Handicap matchup - is it just me or have the WWF announcers used the phrase "shudder to think" about a MILLION times this week? Henry looks angry. But he's only one man, so the Hollys kick away and take command. Off the ropes, Hardcore hits the Best Dropkick in the Business. To his chest, oops. "Elroy" chant. Off the ropes, Henry hits a double dropkick. There's a press slam for Hardcore. Well now the ACOLYTES are led out by MAE YOUNG. Ahhh, NOW we know what was up. Double powerbomb for Hardcore. Faarooq hits a spinebuster on Crash. Bradshaw powerbombs Crash. Henry covers Crash -1, 2, 3. (1:34) Hugs for the happy couple as the Acolytes walk off.

The Rock paces anxiously.

Meanwhile, the Big Show is WALKING! Low ceiling, Show!

Wanna buy the Rock's book? Huh? It's available everywhere!

And now it's time for the WWF Free For All, presented by phonefree.com - from RAW last Monday, Edge spears Jeff Hardy, D-Von Dudley Slop Drops Edge, and the Dudleyz become the #1 Contenders to the tag team titles.

NEW AGE OUTLAWS v. LA ROCA and WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW for the tag team championship - Dogg throws his water bottle to referee "Blind" Earl Hebner, who threatens Chimel with a soaking. Those wacky cats! Rock ducks a clothesline from Ass and clotheslines Dogg, then turns around to throw rights at Ass. Right! Right! Right! Right! Right! Right! Dogg runs at him, Rock sidesteps and lets him splash his partner. Kiss and a right for Dogg, kissed right for Gunn. Right for Gunn, right, off the ropes, reveresed, duck, duck, floatover DDT. 1, 2, Dogg breaks it up. I guess it's a handicap match. Shot for Dogg on the apron, then comes back into - well, it was SUPPOSED to be a hangman's neckbreaker by Ass, but it sorta turned into...umm, something else. Ass stomps on him, stands on the throat, rubs his boot into the face, right, right, head to the buckle, chant, right, right, right, right, is that his Rock impersonation? Into Dogg's boot, tag to Dogg, breakdance, bull horns, kick, right, right, off the ropes, Rock manages a swinging neckbreaker. Ass in with a lariat. Dogg covers as Ass goes back outside - 2 count. Dogg puts a knee in the shoulderblade and works the chinlock while the crowd chants "Rock E." The People being his partner, see? See? Eh. Right, right, right, right, right, off the ropes, reversed, duck, Dogg with left, left, juke, jive, right, off the ropes, wiggly wobbly wooyly kneedrop, cover, 1, 2, no. Off the ropes again, reversed, Rock manages a side suplex. Ass in, Samoan Drop, all three men are down. Cole suggesting Rock gets both tag titles if he wins - umm, NO. Off the ropes as everybody gets up, duck, double clothesline by the Rock. Each Outlaw alternates getting up and tasting rights from the Rock - 3, 4, spinebuster for Dogg, Rock Bottom for Ass, cover - 1, 2, WE-E-ELLLL....and Rock pulls up as the Big Show finally emerges, music and all - they meet halfway up the ramp and it's all Rock. Dogg over to attack from behind and now it's a tripleteam on the Rock. "Ya gotta admit, Rock brought that on himself," says Lawler. "It was another ambush!" says Cole. Hmm, guess who I'M agreeing with. Show puts Rock across his shoulder and they and the Outlaws walk backstage...presumably backstage, where I believe there's a bus. (Note subtle Konnan reference) Up those stairs we go - Rock trying to battle back, though - Ass into the wall, Big Show into the wall, Dogg taken down the stairs and back behind a different curtain. Now THEY'RE at the bus - but X-Pac and Triple H join the fray. The baggage compartment is opened - Rock still trying to fight them off - Stephanie barking away. To the other side of the bus. Rock once again trying to come back against five men. Dammit, just put him in the bus already. Show finally manhandles him back to the first side and into the compartment - the door is closed. Hi-5's all around. "No Way Out!" DX loads into the bus as Big Show wishes them peace. The bus drives away as Big Show waves...but we turn back to see that Rock is standing behind him with a big stick! Oops, guess he just went all the way through. That was poor planning! Anyway, he breaks the board over Show's back, then stomps away a bit as HIS music plays...and the credits come up. Hmmm... (no contest 5+? I forget. What happened to matches that ENDED?)