/24 February 2000
I GET LETTERS:
Surprising newcomer Juggenaut takes me to task: You
*hate* the Rock don't you? You evil bastard. No, just kidding, the
reports are great but I just think you could look at the Rock differently.
Right now, as the number one performer in the WWF, he has jobbed to or given
a rub to the following people:
Though his repertoire is limited, he constantly helps new people and up and comers. Now contrast this with Stone Cold, who wouldn't even step into the RING with Jeff Jarrett, even though Jarrett was very over. How many jobs have you seen Stone Cold do? Do you remember all the stupid McMahon matches and first blood matches and goofy double team losses and weird stipulations (handing Rock the belt?)? He wouldn't even job to Triple H, but now he kisses his ass in interviews. On another site, which is pretty horrible and will go nameless (starts with rantsylvania.com), some clown said the Rock was the new Hogan. That can't be true, Stone Cold, with his limited opponents of Mankind, Rock, McMahon, Triple H, Kane and Undertaker is the new Hogan. You should let me write for slash. I speak the truth.
You got it. I'll lay off the Rock and transcribe him like he was somebody I actually gave a damn about...well, for a couple weeks. Then I'll either go back to being me or I'll come around and join the masses. Or I'll come around AND the masses will turn on him, and once again I'll be alone. It's *tough* being me!
Charles L. offers: ...please, CRZ, for the benefit of JR, Lawler, and Michael Cole, publicize in your column that the word is "CAVALRY," not "CALVARY." Last week on RAW we got to hear JR and Lawler refer to the "calvary" running to the ring, with flashbacks from Smackdown! of Michael Cole referring to the "calvary" about a billion times. Guys, "calvary" refers to a CHURCH! Unless DX are outspoken Episcopalians now, it's JUST WRONG to refer to them as a "calvary" when they run to the rescue! It's "cavalry," god dammit! The "v" comes BEFORE the "l"! Hmmm... something tells me that the way Brett Favre pronounces his name actually MAKES SENSE to the WWF announce team.
Oh, BTW, the Year in Quotes was nothing short of hysterical. An endless stream of hilarity when you take out that pesky play-by-play. :-)
So here's my public service of the week, thanks to Charles L.: STOP SAYING "CALVARY" WHEN YOU MEAN "CAVALRY," YOU GOOFY WWF COMMENTATORS. Okay. Hey, you think they really read this? Maybe somebody who could tell somebody who would tell them reads this, yeah. Gooooo hierarchy - bubble up, baby!
KINGS UPDATE: 31-23, 12.5 GB, 5th place. They lost at home to the Blazers Sunday in overtime, and that set the tone for my week. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.
NOT THAT YOU ASKED: Actually, I had originally written three long paragraphs that were gonna make great fun of long-time close personal friend STc's Trey Conway while at the same time sticking up for long-time close personal friend WM's Scott Keith, but unfortunately a killjoy of a friend pointed me to R's Sean Shannon's diatribe on the STc Mailboard before I put this thing up, so I think NOW that I'll just sit this one out. I hasten to add that Scott was a LOT more fun when he didn't have Sean fighting his battles for him, you know? But I guess in order to get PAID, you have to put up with stuff like that...right Scott? Arf arf arf... "Money / Money Changes Everything..." - Cyndi Lauper
Hell, most people have no idea what that ENTIRE paragraph meant ANYWAY, and God bless 'em, for THEY have *LIVES*.
Tune in Monday when I hype the 1999 Year in Quotes one more time - ALL TWENTY-FOUR PARTS OF IT!!!
SUPERBRAWL REPORT: Might as well put it here since I apparently forgot all about it LAST Monday. I was on camera ONCE, I sat within TEN FEET of the Spanish announce team (Pedro Morales and...who, Miguel Perez, right? I tell ya, compared to the WWF Spanish announce team - these guys are out in a GHETTO for WCW events...they'll NEVER have THEIR table broken!), the Maestro's bubble machine was behind me but never used Sunday, and...ummm, that's it, I think. That's why you got no report from me. Oh, and tOA's BostonIdol is One Cool Dude. Yo, BostonIdol! Yo! Oh, AAAAAAND the biggest pop of SuperBrawl was for JAMES BROWN. And they say this company isn't in trouble!
Well, I don't know about YOU, but I'M watching UPN!
One TV-PG-DLV World Leader Attitude - WWF
LAST MONDAY: Go back and read the RAW report if you missed it
PYRO LIGHTS BOOM en espanol donde sea disponible WE ARE NOT LIVE from Nashville, TN and the Nashville Arena 24.2.2K (taped 22.2) and if you can hear "the Music City" without thinking of Jeff Jarrett, you're a better man than I am...
TEST v. CRASH HOLLY (with Scale Holly) for the Hardcore Championship - champ enters first because tradition bites. Before Holly enters the ring, we look backstage where he tells off his scoffin' cousin Hardcore, then shoves him (!) backwards, where he trips over some luggage to take a pratfall. That Test, he might not be over no more but he DOES sell the T-shirts. Crash wants the belt, so Test throws it to him - after he catches it, Test hits a Van Daminator (ha!) and we're off. Off the ropes, biiiiig back body drop from Test. Off the ropes again, Crash holds on and goes outside. Test follows and quickly we're over the barricade. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long somehow stays with them - trash container over Crash, chair WHACKS the trash receptacle. Back over the barricade we go - Crash hiding under the ring? No, just looking for plundah - and he's found an extinguisher. Test gets a faceful of CO2, then Crash whips him into the post. Crash on the apron - HURACANRANA! Cole promises the Rock, Triple H, Cactus Jack and the Big Show tonight, so please don't get confused when we start with THIS match. Crash goes under the apron once again and emerges with a stick as we see HARDCORE HOLLY appear at the top of the ramp and look on. Cover only gets 2. Stick at the ready - RIGHT INTO HIS TEST! Crash goes outside and sets up the steps - he's gonna fly off the stairs, but has no plan after that - as he lands on a swung chair from Test. Crash and the chair are put in the ring, Test finds ANOTHER chair and now he joins the party. We take a Double Feature of the chair to the flying Crash as we see Test set him up for a powerbomb through both chairs a la Foley. Crash wriggles free but gets whipped into the ropes - as Crash makes sure he leaps over the chairs, he ends up meeting a boot between the eyes. Test setting him up for the Meltdown, but Crash goes to the crotch once again, throws Test outside and hits a pescado (!) but fails to cover. Here comes Hardcore - and HE'S got a chair as well. Hardcore takes a swing - was it meant for his cousin? Well, we don't know - Crash ducks and Test takes it flush. Crash scoots through and covers - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Hardcore Champion. (3:58) Hardcore...congratulates his cousin! Although he can't let it go by without saying "It's all thanks to me..." Replay of the chairshot and pin on the floor.
We look backstage at the DX Express (yet another different bus) - inside are DX and the (ugh) Radicals. The Helmsley outline their plans for another "mutual backscratchin'" night. Mr. Ass gets Buh-Buh Ray Dudley, Saturn & Malenko get a tag match. Benoit will do X-Pac a favour by fighting Kane, and in return Dogg, H and X-Pac will team up to take on Too Cool & Rikishi Phatu. H closes out by saying that Cactus Jack is off limits - "nobody touches him but me."
Rock talks on his cel phone
Meanwhile, Big Show is WALKING! And sucking in his gut!
Secret AAAAgent Man / Secret AAAAgent Man / They've given you a number / And taken WAAAAY your name
WWF: The Music (Volume 4) ad
Cole & Lawler hype "Monster Trux 2000: The New Thrillennium" - man I feel dirty for typing that out - wait - what do you MEAN UPN doesn't pay ME for those plugs?
WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW is out to give us our recommended daily allowance of talking for the night. I have a feeling he's gonna tug at our heartstrings, and not just because he's still in an "experimentation" phase with his hairdo. Crowd chants "Rock E" because "Big Show" doesn't roll off the tongue as well, I guess. "I lie awake at night and I don't understand why - I don't understand why - the boos, the constant boos! Just two months ago, just two short months ago, you all CHEERED for me - you poured your hearts out to me. What's changed? Have I really changed all that much in two months? Eh - I support the Rock, I supported him! I liked the Rock, just like you! But as I supported him, he INSULTED me - he called me a 'jabrone.' Yeah, that may be funny to you, but it was an insult to me, and it hurt my feelings - and I'm not gonna put up with it. Does that make me a bad guy 'cause I'm not gonna stand for that? And Triple H - I lose the belt to Triple H - I lose the WWF title to Triple H - do I get a rematch? Even though I did EVERYTHING he told me to do - everything, like I was his personal errand boy, I never got my rematch. Does that make me a bad guy? And let's look at this - I DID win the Royal Rumble - you know I did! Because of a few bad, incompetent referees, I get screwed. Does that really make me a bad guy? I'm just trying to win your hearts back and show you that I *did* win the Royal Rumble. If I have to prove it to you - fine, I'll do it one more time. I have footage. Please, roll the footage for those of you that don't understand where I'm coming from - I'm not a bad guy, I have footage! Please!" That's CLASSIC. "I'm not a bad guy - I have footage!" Hahahahahahahahaha...anyway, we take a look up at the OvalTron (to the right of the entrance this week) and see that Show don't lie - Rock's feet DO hit the mat, and they hit the mat first. "As you can see, Rocky's feet touched the mat! Now I know some of you - some of you out there might not have been paying attention - you might have missed it. Please, one more time, roll the footage again in case someone might have missed it." We see it again. "Again, you can see Rocky's feet hit the mat - he pulls 'em up - he's a great athlete! Tremendous athlete! But he DID lose! You're still not believing me? One more time! One more time - IN SLOW MOTION, please! Slow motion - one more time! Look at Rocky's feet, right now." A little post-production "zooms in" on the feet. "His feet are on the floor! Let me get this straight - you people would rather CHEER LOUD for a *loser*...rather than the actual winner (me). I don't understand you people - I don't understand how you can do this - I r-- can *anybody* - can anyone out there explain to me how this is right?" As if on cue, here comes KURT ANGLE, presumably to do some 'splainin. "You know something, I've been listening to what you're saying, and I've heard your arguments...and I want to shake your hand. I do...I do." "Thank you, Kurt, that means a lot, thank you." "You're welcome, you're welcome. Shame on you people! Shame on you people! FINALLY there's someone out there with a LITTLE integrity - and he gets *booed*? What's WRONG with you people? You know something, Big Show, some of us DO care about the rules. Some of us DO care about what's right and what's wrong. And I have a little story that illustrates just that principle. It was back in 1992 - I was training for the Olympic games in Munich, when all--" and all of a sudden the Y2J countdown interrupts him. Here's CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO & THAT SLUT CHYNA. "Welcome to Nashville is JERICHO! And here's something you don't see every day - an Olympic hero with no neck, and a ridiculous Giant with no testicles...but Kirk Angel, I gotta give you credit - after your brutal performance, you made even the Big Show seem entertaining...and I know you like to talk about your three I's - well, Y2J has an 'I' of his own...IIII wish that you would SHUT THE HELL UP! As a matter of fact, here's one more. At No Way Out this Sunday, IIII am gonna give you a Y2J beating you will never, eeeeeeeeeeever forget a-gain!" "You know something - this is exactly what I'm talking about - you know, Chris, if you have a problem, maybe we should have the match right here tonight! Whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute, or better yet, a tag team match, how 'bout that? I know someone - I have a partner right here with the intensity and the integrity, but I don't think you'll EVER find a partner with the lack of intelligence to wanna face the two of us!" Just before I worry that Chyna's gonna be that partner, I hear "If ya smelll...." and out comes LA ROCA to make it a REAL party. Show shakes his head in disgust. After the chant subsides and Show removes his fingers from his ears, it's time for me to make good on my promise. "Finally the Rock HAS COME BACK to Nashhhhh-ville. Chris Jericho, the Rock says that tag team wrestling really isn't in his repetoire, but the Rock'll team with you as long as he can get that Olympic goof to know his role and shut his mouth! But then again, the Rock could care less about Kurt Angle - the only real reason the Rock is teaming with you tonight is to get his hands...on the Big Show. Big Show, the Rock says this - he has heard your complaints, he has seen your footage, and the Rock says this - you are absolutely...right. The Rock says you are right - the Rock's feet DID touch the ground first. You are right - the Rock DID call you a jabrone. And you are right - these people, they, the Rock's people - boo - your - candyass!" Join in the chant! Join in the chant! Join in the chant! "Well Big Show, you wanna know WHY they boo you? You know WHY they don't treat you with the respect you think you deserve? You see, the Rock has a little bit of video footage of his own. The Rock has some video footage of the one thing you THINK you do best, so the Rock says roll the footage." The footage is of Rock doing his Big Show impersonation "ahhhehhhooohhhooohhhoeehhhh." Then he does the Eyebrow. "Now Big Show, just in case you didn't digest that, let's look at it one more time - from a different angle!" We see it again. "Now, Big Show, seeing as you have a third-grade education, maybe you'll understand it one more time in slo-motion!" And we see a shot of Rock doing it slowly. Show starts quiverin' and the fans start chantin'. "You see Big Show, that is WHY they boo you. That is WHY they don't treat you with respect. Because you whine, you (beep), you moan and you complain (Trey Conway voice) 'But me? Why? Why you boo me? Don't boo me! You should cheer me! Don't boo me!' Oh SHUT YOUR MOUTH! Big Show, the Great One says this, he realises that you are seven feet, he realises that you are five hundred pounds, and the Rock realises that without a shadow of a doubt the biggest threat in the Rock's career, and come No Way Out, don't worry about the crowds; come No Way Out, don't worry about whether or not they boo you. The only thing you should worry about, Big Show, is this: is how are you going to stop the Brahma bull from kickin' your ass and going to WrestleMania...if ya smellllllllalalalalalooow what the ROCK is cookin'!"
God, looking at this "Monster Trux" ad I can't help but think that maybe ol' Vince Russo landed on his feet after all...I'm gonna have to check out the credits on that show, I think.
Check out that Nashville skyline! Check out the Nashville Arena! Check out these TENNESSEE TITANS in the house!
The main event of No Way Out - this Sunday, only on pay-per-view - is Cactus Jack challenging Triple H for the WWF Championship in a "Hell in the Cell" match. When was the last time we saw a PPV graphic on RAW or SmackDown!? Holy cow!
Your hosts are a pair of kings, MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. There's nothing like Hell in the Cell...
Here's a Special Video Look at that Cell everyone's talking about, complete with assorted spots from the first two matches featuring the gimmick - Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker, and Undertaker vs. Cactus Jack. For some reason, the two Big Bossman matches are forgotten. We also see some interview and match snippets from Jack and H over the past few weeks.
SmackDown! is brought to you by MILK! (Got it?), the WWF Shop Zone, and phonefree.com!
KANE (with Paul Bearer) v. CHRIS BENOIT (with Eddie Guerrero & Dean Malenko & Perry Saturn) - Bearer wearing his "Sea Cap'n" ensemble (sans jaunty hat, sadly) and when all four (ugh) Radicals come out, we start to get the impression that this match just might NOT be one-on-one. Kane decides to start throwing punches early, and as the other three fall at the hands of kane on the outside, Benoit runs the ropes and hits a tope between the ropes to Kane's back! Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas decides he'll send the other three back and make it stick while Benoit stomps all over Kane's back. Benoit gets in the ring and demands the bell be rung to open the match. Kane manages to make it up onto the apron, so Benoit punches, then tries to suplex him back in - Kane holds on and hits a front suplex instead. Kane back in over the top rope. Uppercut. Off the ropes, Benoit rolls under the big boot and kicks the back of the knees, taking him to the canvas. Kane catches the kick, but not the enzuigiri followup. Benoit to the top - swandive headbutt! Both men feel effects from THAT move, however - as Benoit shakes it off, Kane does the zombie situp! Benoit suddenly finds himself on the wrong end of a choke - and kicks the knee in an attempt to break it. Three kicks does the trick - Benoit runs the ropes, but ends up in the UGLIEST tilt-a-whirl backbreaker I've ever seen. Kane puts him in the corner, follows it up with a lariat, then chops him. Into the ropes, big boot, Kane on top - flying clothesline hits! Running lariat takes Benoit over the top to the outside, and Kane follows. Another uppercut. Dropping him on the barricade. TORI is out as Kane uppercuts again. She blows a kiss to Kane, who finally notices what's going on. Benoit gets in a chop, Kane turns back and puts an uppercut on his throat again. Tori SLAPS Bearer - Bearer grabs *Tori* by the hair as Korderas apparently got to ten (DCOR 2:16) - Benoit over to get the better of Bearer, while Kane shoves Benoit down (I guess) on his way up the ramp to try to meet Tori...but X-PAC emerges from the entryway and he's brought hardware. X-Pac shoots FIRE! Well, it wasn't the "wall of fire" the commentators called it but it DID look pretty cool. Sympathetic camera angles make it look like it hit Kane square in the face. Kane rolls around until EMT's come out with towels to cover his face.
No Way Out promo - highlighting the Main Event
Mankind is out of ravioli - when will the madness end?
Moments Ago - three paragraps ago - two pretty good angles...and let's not forget, some pretty good selling by Kane as well.
EDGE (you Heathcliffe Slocumb) & CHRISTIAN and HARDY BOYZ (with No Nipples) v. HEAD CHEESE (with Head & No Cheese & Snow's music) and DEAN MALENKO & PERRY SATURN - Blackman and Christian start, Blackman with the quick upper hand. Off the ropes, knockdown by Blackman, sliding under, Christian ducking the roundhouse, and the clothesline, then hitting a side Russian legsweep for 1. Into the ropes, reveresed, Snow pulls the hair, Christian turns around and gives HIM a shot, then turns back and RIGHT into a thrust kick from Blackman. Crowd chants "Head Cheese" while Snow is tagged in - draping him over the top rope, Blackman leaps up and over, catching Christian's head in a stun gun on his way to the floor. Snow with a Dominican suplex for 2. (I made that up just now.) Kick, punch, tag, Malenko in with a kick, into the ropes, and he drives a knee into the gut, Christian with a flip. Brainbuster by Malenko for 2. Tag to Saturn. Open shot for Saturn. Repeated kneelifts - into the ropes, lariat, going for a backdrop, but Christian flips up and over, puts on a waistlock, runs to the ropes, rolls backward in a rollup and gets 2! Off the ropes out of the kickout, they collide in the centre with a double clothesline. Will the good guys finally get a tag? Yes! Jeff Hardy jumps to the top turnbuckle, then hits a corkscrew somersault Thesz press (okay, YOU call it)! Snow in, Snow down, Blackman, repeat, Malenko, repeat, Edge in, now it's breaing down. Hardy dumps Saturn over the top rope to the floor. Malenko running at him, Hardy snaps off a Northern Lights bomb! He's not done - Hardy with a somersault senton onto Saturn! Now in the ring, Matt Hardy hits a back elbow to Snow, then jumps to the top turnbuckle, but before HE can hit a move, Snow pushes him OVER the corner to the floor - and onto Edge! Back in the ring, full nelson on Malenko by Jeff Hardy but Saturn is in to break it up with a forearm to the back of the head., then as Saturn laces the arms behind him, Malenko comes off the ropes with a leg lariat - everybody falls backwards - I'll call it a Tiger suplex even though it isn't (but it's the closest thing I can think of for it) - anyway, Saturn bridges after it's all said and done and referee "Blind" Tim White counts the fall - 1, 2, 3. (3:10) DAY-yamn. Why don't we have ten more minutes for this match? AFTER the (short) match, the Hardys and the Blondes exchange some words - then some more words - next thing you know Matt Hardy is PASTING Edge with a slap and now these four are fighting amongst themselves! All this - and by a STRANGE coincidence, these two teams will compete for a #1 Contendership to the tag team titles this Sunday at No Way Out! As the refs and officials come out to pull them apart, we break...
WWF Backtalkin' Crushers ("You'rebustin'my - ARM!") ad - featuring the Big Show
You're watching - wait for it - UPN!
*Any* ad that begins with "Genital herpes" is a sure signal to me to go get a soda and not come back for...oh, around thirty seconds or so. And yet...isn't it strangely hypnotic the way they use FLOWERS to express how genital herpes can come between you and your partner? I mean, not LITERALLY, but.....well, actually maybe they DO mean....oh let's move on.
Moments Ago...hmmm, maybe that was a Japanese Ocean Cyclone suplex? Nahh...it IS fun to say, though - anyway - WHEN GOOD FRIENDS COLLIDE!
TOO COOL & RIKISHI PHATU (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. TREBLE H & X-PAC & ROAD DOGG (with Stephanie Ono & Tori) - Let Us Take You Back to RAW and show you how crutches should not be used at home. Sunday, these three jolly lads take on Benoit, Saturn and Malenko - I am DISGUSTED to see these fine athletes stuck in the midcard! ("Wait, which team you talking about, Chris?" "Does it matter?") For those of you who haven't been paying attention, Stephanie's trademark move is the "pucker." Sexay and Dogg start - Dogg with the early advantage. Right, right, right, off the ropes, duck, slide under, full nelson into a reverse Russian legsweep, missile dropkick by Sexay, 2 count. Senton misses, Dogg takes him to his corner and tags in H as we see the (ugh) Radicals watching on the monitor. H wailing away with punches and kicks and more punches. Hard whip into the corner but H runs into a boot from Sexay. Second rope flying clothesline and a tag to Hotty - it's already time? Well, X-Pac says "Nuh" and comes in to kick him before he can perform the Wurm. Crowd boos - they're here to see it! Tag to Dogg as the ref puts Sexay back in his corner. Right, off the ropes, Left, left, left, juke, jive, miss, Hotty off the ropes with the elbow. Tag to Phatu! He's warming up his rump! It's a 180 splash! All of DX in - all of DX down with one blow (or superkick). Now all six men in - Phatu setting up X-Pac for the Rikishi Driver but H is back in to clip him. Now focusing on the injured leg - dragging him to his corner so X-Pac can work it around the post while referee "Blind" Earl Hebner tries to keep the Too Cool in their corner. H dropping elbows on the bandaged lower leg. Again we cut backstage to see smiles all around. Crowd chanting "Raw-kee-shee" while Dogg delivers his wiggly wobbly woocly kneedrop to the (wait for it) lower leg. Quick tags for DX, now X-Pac is in and kicking away. Right in the face, the body, but Rikishi is Hulking up...X-Pac off the ropes, and Phatu presses him up and brings him down with his Stone Cold Stunner ripoff. Both men are down...HOT TAG to Sexay! All three DX'ers come in, but because it's one at a time, Sexay takes them down with rights. Dropkick for H! Dropkick for Dogg! Whip into the corner for X-Pac, Thrilla whip into the opposite corner - tag to Hotty - off the rope with the bulldog and NOW we're going to chew on that Wurm. Hoo, hoo, hoo, hi-YAH! 1, 2, Dogg breaks it up. Too Cool working over the Dogg while Phatu hits a BELLY-to-belly suplex on X-Pac. Now setting him up for a Banzai Drop, but H has FINALLY come to and he's brought some furniture back with him. WHACK with the STEEL chair! H pulls X-Pac out while Rikishi rolls outside. Off the ropes, double back elbow, double elbowdrop for Dogg by Too Cool. Outside the ring, H gives the chair to Phatu's injured leg again as he sits on the STEEL steps. Hotty outside to whomp on H, Sexay on the top rope and the goggles are on - but there's no water in that pool - the big legdrop MISSES as X-Pac pulls away Road Dogg! X-Pac is over - one X Factor later, I think we have our winners. Whew! (6:01) We look backstage to see smiles all around - the (ugh) Radicals think that their six-man this Sunday just got a lot easier... Dogg hits his pumphandle slam on Hotty for good measure. H gets one more WHACK at the injured leg on his way out. I'd sure like to cross Stephanie's heart - umm, I mean...umm
That's not James van den Berg in the Monster Trux ad, right? LOTSA guys look like that, right? Okay. Thought I was going nuts there for a minute.
Moments Ago - one paragraph and a few sentences ago
Too Cool helps Phatu into the trainer's room - his leg, his leg! Sorry, I mean his ankle, his ankle!
THA GODFATHA & D'LO BROWN (with eight - no, four ho's) v. BIG BOSSMAN & PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN - Let Us Take You Back to Monday where Albert hit his Pink Leomande Drop on Tazz. Bossman starts out with Brown, punching away, into the corner, boots up, second rope dropkick looked super-swank, right hand, off the ropes, but Bossman catches him with a spinebuster. Tag to Albert. Cactus Jack is here tonight! Shoulderblock off the ropes. Got him between the bottom and second ropes - and snapping him up, catapult style, right on the throat. Got him in a press - but Brown gets out before any damage. Brown punches back, into the corner is reversed, Albert ducks and Brown's moonsault misses. NIPPLES! Brown manages a DDT. Both men are down - who will tag? I'm thinking both. Nope, just Brown. Knockdown! Knockdown! Off the ropes with a big boot! Bossman in, right, right, Bossman shot into his own partner, then back into the corner. Clothesline from the Godfather on Bossman, and now it's time once again...but Albert side-steps the splash attempt, meanwhile Brown is on the top rope right above BOTH of them, and flies OVER Godfather and taking out the following Bossman with a flying clothesline! It's broken down now, referee "Blind" Jack Doan completely lost control. It helps a bit when Bossman is taken to the outside by Bown. While Albert and Godfather brawl, Doan tries to get Brown back outside - meanwhile, TAZZZZ is out and he's got the Bossman out on the floor - now he's tearing at Albert's eyes...Albert, blinded, walks back into a Pimp Drop from the Godfather. 1, 2, 3. (2:44) Replay shows Tazz running out, pulling Bossman to the floor, and putting a thumb in Albert's eye, followed by the Pimp Drop. Hey, just like the first time! Still, haven't seen that Pimp Drop in quite a while...let's go ahead and mention it TWICE!
Backstage, Cactus Jack gives us "pensive."
And now, the WWF Free for all, brought to you by phonefree.com! From RAW, Cactus Jack impales the windshield of the DX Express.
LARRY KING stands in the ring. "Ladies and gentlemen, there is one - and there will ONLY be one - CACTUS JACK!" Ross went on to say there was ONLY one Diesel and ONLY one Razor Ramon...oops. With Ross in the ring, is it possible this just *might* be Jack's last promo? "Well Cactus, the question of the hour is - will your lifelong dream be realised this Sunday at No Way Out?" "When I look back, JR, what I think of - three WWF World championships - eight WWF tag team champions - Hardcore champion, the very first time - the King of the Japanese Death Match - hey! I wrote a #1 bestseller....I even have my own ravioli commercial. I think, looking at it very honestly, Mick Foley has done every damn thing he ever set his sights on... so five months ago, JR, when I look back on everything I did, and then when I'd wake up the mornings and find it a little hard to walk around, I'll tell you what, I had the toughest meeting of my life, I walked into a meeting with Vince McMahon back when he still ran this damn place, and I told him that I thought it was about time that Mick Foley finished up his days as an active wrestler, because to tell you the truth I was a little embarrassed at my performances in the ring...yeah, I was making people laugh, yeah, the Rock & Sock Connection was pretty damn good...but the truth is, JR, when I thought about what I wanted, when I thought about my dreams, I never thought about making people laugh. I thought about being Cactus Jack! And my entire decision, I guess you could say my entire career, my entire life changed when I saw a 25-year-old fight. We've all heard about the Thrilla in Manila, from the time I was ten years old, looking through my dad's Sports Illustrated, I see Joe Frazier's face, his eyes all puffed up, I see Muhammed Ali's face, his eyes all puffed up, swollen, bleeding, and I heard it was the damnedest thing anyone'd ever seen in their life. When I sat back in November, I had a chance to see that tape, and yeah, it sure was the damnedest thing I'd ever seen in my life - both men giving it all, but you know how that match ended? It ended with Joe Frazier sitting on a stool unable to complete that last final round. You know what I saw when I saw that, JR? I saw me. I saw a guy who for fifteen years had given it his all - I saw a guy who - hung up the tights that night - not a damn person around the world would have thought any less of Mick Foley - except me. Because deep down in my heart, I did not want to end my career sitting on a stool. So we had the Royal Rumble in my hometown, Madison Square Garden, and we tore the house apart! Mick Foley, the way it was supposed to be, the way he was meant to be seen, do you know what happened, JR? In maybe the greatest match of my life, I lost to a better man. I did it all! But Triple H was just a little bit better, so you know what? I said I'll have my revenge, you know what I'll do, I'll challenge Triple H to a Hell in the Cell match, huh, that oughta show Triple H! Because I'm the King of Hell in the Cell, right JR? Does anybody remember the last Hell in the Cell, Mankind and the Undertaker - do we [or did he say hi to Dewey]? You know what happened in that match, JR? I got MY ASS KICKED in that match!" Foley takes the mic and Ross eventually takes off. "Two teeth knocked out! Knocked out cold for the very first time! Dislocated shoulder, dislocated jaw, fourteen stitches below my lip, two broken legs, kidney damage that wouldn't make me feel the same for ten weeks, every damn last injury legit! It was, without a doubt, the worst beating in my life, and without a doubt, the greatest day in my career. And do you know why? Do you know why? It's because after all that was done - after I lay on the mat, trying to stick my tongue through the whole in my lip - I GOT UP! I finished the match on my own two feet! Now when I think of retirement matches, I think back the last five or six I've seen, and I see guys prostituting their names and their careers for the benefit of a couple of extra bucks, more or less taking a six week vacation...but I'm here to tell you the truth, the two greatest things I have in my life are my name and my word, and I gave my word on national television that if I couldn't defeat Triple H in the Hell in the Cell - be the last damn time I ever set foot in the ring as an active wrestler! And so I am fully prepared, when I step into that ring at Hell in the Cell in No Way Out, I am fully prepared for that to be my very last match. With that in mind, I realise, looking out at everybody here, it may very well be the last time - tonight may very well be the last time I have a chance to talk, so what I'd like to say...to everybody who believed in the 22-year old kid diving off the apron in Texas, thanks a lot! What I wanna say, for everybody who stood up in Worcester, Massachusetts the first time I won the WWF Championship, thanks a lot! And for everybody who went out and bought my book, knowing full well that I wrote each and every word, for every one of you who thinks they know me just a little bit better, I wanna say...thanks a lot! And at Hell in the Cell, I can't guarantee I'm going to win - I can't guarantee I'll ever see any of you again - but I can guaran-damn-tee that I will not end my career sitting on a stool! You see, on Sunday, February 27th, Mick Foley will go down swinging...or he will not go down at all! And Triple H, one last message for Triple H, win, lose or draw, I WILL climb up the top of that cage, and I *will* fly off on top of you. So for the Mankind fans out there, Have a Nice Day! For the Cactus Jack fans, I say BANG! BANG!" Thank you, Mick Foley. Just...TRY to be careful, okay? As he leaves...STEPHANIE ONO appears at the top of the ramp. "Cut the music! You really are a dreamer, aren't you Cactus? I mean, you ARE a very *passionate* man - but I'M passionate! I DO have dreams! And last Monday night, that dream turned into a nightmare when a lunatic drove a battering ram through my brand new luxury tour bus. You caused over $5,000 worth of damage. And I paid well over $350,000 for that bus! But Sunday night, at No Way Out, you're gonna be the one who pays when Triple H ENDS your career in the Hell in the Cell. And guess what? I have a warrant for your arrest, and I think you should start paying TONIGHT!" Out come FOUR COPS (from Atlanta, no doubt) who brandish the cuffs and request that things be made as easy as possible - Foley offers his wrists without incident. "Go on, ARREST him!" Now, as his music plays, TREBLE H joins his wife at the top of the ramp - Foley stops to give him a look as he walks by...and smiles. H is just a *touch* unnerved - but breaks back into a smile as the cops and Foley walk out of the picture.
Hey, you ever notice that H always gives you just the slightest hint of fear against Cactus Jack, but when it's the Rock, he just gives us that "annoyed" vibe instead? Maybe that's why he's grown on me...I dunno.
The cops express regret about having to do this, but they'd like him to sit in the holding area while they try to work things out with the Helmsleys.
Earlier Tonight, Kane caught a wall of fire...sorta
JONATHAN COACHMAN reports that Kane's suffered second degree burns to his neck and is experiencing vision problems - but, ironically, it might have been his mask which prevented more serious injuries to his face.
The Helmsleys approach the cops, who hand over the keys to the cell and walk off. Hunter says to enjoy what's in their envelopes - ohhh, so there ARE no jurisdiction problems - these are just some guys Triple H paid off to play PRETEND cops! Whoa.....that makes Jack REALLY, REALLY STUPID! Still, this contains just enough *logic* to really appeal to me...
WWF: The Music (Volume 4) ad - again
The Helmsleys taunt Jack with pizza, the keys, and apparently a stick is coming up
KING ASS v. BUH-BUH RAY DAMN DUDLEY (with D-Von Damn Dudley) - you know, the way things have been going tonight, this match just MIGHT NOT suck. Commentators still giving the impression that those were REAL Nashville cops...well, I'll explain it to them later, I guess. Dudley gets the early advantage thanks to a distraction from D-Von that did it's job. Big running lariat, right, right, right, slap, slap, right, right, right, right, elbow to the cranium, into the ropes, reversed, Gunn with a hiptoss - scoop - and a alsm. Clothesline. D-Von in, clothesline for him. Buh-Buh into the corner, D-Von into Buh-Buh, there's the ol' "accidental" headbutt to the crotch by Buh-Buh on D-Von, neckbreaker for Buh-Buh, cover, 2. Kick to the gut, off the ropes, going for the Fame'Ass-er, but Buh-Buh Ray turns it into a powerbomb! Dudley to the second rope, but the senton misses! Rights aplenty by Ass, into the opposite corner, and here's a splash. Right hand for D-Von on the apron, gutshot and jackhammer for Buh-Buh Ray, going to try AGAIN for the Fame'Ass-er, but D-Von pulls the top rope and Ass goes outside. Referee "Blind" Tim White manages to see this and calls for the bell (DQ 2:06) D-Von puts Ass into the STEEL steps, and now they've found a table. D-Von with his jumping Slop Drop - Buh-Buh Ray standing on the table - but ROAD DOGG is *finally* ("Here comes the Calvary!" - oops) out to save his tag team partner with a Golota for Buh-Buh Ray and a right hand for D-Von. Ass off the ropes - SUPER(semi)Fame'Asser that takes Buh-Buh Ray through the table to the mat! Outlaws get a big face pop as we take a gander at the replay of Ass hitting his move on the doubled over (yet still standing on a table) Buh-Buh Ray Dudley.
Jericho and Chyna are WALKING!
Meanwhile, Rock is also WALKING!
No Way Out promo #2
Shouldn't they have called this "Monsters of Rap" collection "Monsters of Rap (According to White People)?"
Mankind has once again run out of ravioli - head for the hills
I think Blockbuster paid to have this commerical aired like A DOZEN times in this two hours...I mean, I lust for Ashley Judd as much as the next guy, but COME ON
And now, the WWF Smack of the Night - presented by MILK! From Earlier Tonight, Stephanie had Jack led off in cuffs...
Triple H critiques Jack's earlier promo, then reveals that it's actually a fake wall behind him - and actually, his cell is chained to the back of the DX Express. H promises to drag his ass from here to Hartford...
phonefree.com presents No Way Out - SUNDAY!
OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE, REAL AMERICAN HERO, LIFEGUARD, SNEEZE GUARD, RIGHT GUARD and DENTAL GUARD KURT ANGLE and WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO (with That Slut Chyna) and LA ROCA - entrances take a goodly amount of time, so I guess I'll note right now that Earl Hebner is the fifth man in the ring since I seem to have the time. WHY must Jericho LANGUISH in the midcard? WHY is he ONLY part of the MAIN EVENT on SMACKDOWN!? Rock smells it as Angle gets the sneak attack on Jericho. Punching away, into the ropes, duck, Jericho clothesline, off the ropes, Angle ducks, chop from Jericho, chop, chop, off the ropes, boot, double underhook, into a backbreaker - 2 count. "Rock E" chant, so Jericho puts Angle into his corner and tags him in. Right! Right! Right! Right! Kiss that right - but Angle ducks it and hits a belly-to-belly overhead suplex. Show wants some - so HE'S tagged in - but Rock hits a spinebuster! Punchfest for the Big Show - Angle in and Rock says "howdy" to HIM with a clothesline. And now, here's a ...err...punch to the Little Show. Tag to Jericho, who pounds away on his former chum (remember in WCW where these two...oh never mind) - Show with a monstrous press - and a two storey drop! Shot to the Rock to bring him in and distract Hebner, doubleteam on Jericho behind his back, Angle staying in when he turns back around. Angle with a big clothesline. Double Feature of the big big press slam. Jericho elbows out of the front face, off the ropes, Jericho with a flying jalapeno - for 2. Right by Jericho, "Rock E" chant. Into the ropes is reversed, Show puts a foot in Jericho's back, but before Angle can capitalise, Rock comes in and gets a shot in on Angle with the clothesline. Angle punching away, sent into the opposite corner, Jericho sidesteps a charge and hits a bulldog. Reaching for the tag - got it. Right! Clothesline, clothesline, right for the Show, spinebuster for Angle, and now it's time for the People's...no, Show comes in and barrels him over. Jericho climbs up to the top turnbuckle, Show turns around and eats a MISSILE DROPKICK! Jericho pouring it on - but no effect on the big man. AHHHHHTHECHOKESLAAAAAAAM! Chyna comes in with a STEEL chair for the back of the Big Show - (DQ call 4:11) no effect. Show turns around - and now he's got Chyna in a choke! Rock in to save her, punching away, into the ropes, reversed, but Rock catches him - Rock Bottom! Right for Angle for good measure as Jericho gets Big Show...into the Walls of Jericho! Rock putting on the badmouth for added effect as Chyna works over Angle on the outside. The rest of the refs are out to break things up. Show and Angle are announced as the winners and Show's music barely gets a chance to start as Jericho rushes Angle while Show goes outside to pair off with Rock. Chyna DDT's Angle! Rock and Show disappear as we see Jericho get the Walls of Jericho on Angle. Now play HIS music!
We go backstage to see Show and Rock brawling about the vicinity. Show reverses a big whip into a big metal door. Rock rammed THROUGH A WINDOW!! We look up to see the Helmsleys looking on - and giving a thumbs up. The camera follows THEM into their bus. "Come on, let's go to Hartford!" The bus takes off, the cage tips over and slides...a few sparks for added effect as the metal scrapes the concrete. Can Foley hang by the (now) top of the cage until Sunday? And how many miles IS it to Hartford from Nashville, anyway? Get this - MapQuest says it's just over A THOUSAND! Now my instincts tell me that cage would probably fall apart if it were actually dragged for a THOUSAND miles...wait, did I EVEN have a point? Oh yeah - GOOD WRESTLING. GOOD LOGIC (except for that bit about the cage at the end). Still, I'll go out on a limb - it should be a GOOD PPV. Please send all accusations of bias to email@example.com - I'll talk to YOU on Monday.