Believe it or not... YOU are watching UPN!

One World Leader Attitude - GIANT NON-STANDARD TV-PG-DLV RATINGS BOX - WWF!

Here's a Special Video Look at Mick Foley - well, a short one - just in case you hadn't heard by now that he lost on Sunday

And now, "Courtesy: WWF Magazine" - here are some still shots of the Rock, the Big Show...and Shane McMahon

Moving forward to RAW, Shane talks about aligning himself with the Big Show, the Rock talks about himself, then fights the Brooklyn Brawler, then challenges Triple H, Stephanie sets up a "last chance" match for the Rock...well, go read the RAW report already. This highlight package, by the way, is *extraordinarily* well done. Lotsa cool video tricks and stuff.

Opening credits and a gentle reminder by way of logo that this show is indeed...close-captioned

BLOW THAT PYRO! It's 2.3.2K (taped 29.2.2K) and en espanol donde sea disponible from ...well, they don't say! So it's the Unnamed Arena in the Unnamed City for now (I *think* it was Trenton, NJ - maybe they were embarrassed to be in Joisey?). It's time to get down - lay down - it's WWF - SMACKDOWN!

TOO COOL and THAT SLUT CHYNA (with her "C2000") - OOPS, NO, I GUESS IT'S and CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO v. DEAN MALENKO & PERRY SATURN & CHRIS BENOIT (with Eddie Guerrero) - Starting off with a match? A MATCH? It's like *admitting* that Monday's show was off-kilter! Too Cool come out danicin' - American Males - American Males - American Males - American Males - and so on. Chyna gets her own entrance (and bazooka) but has no role in this match. (Makes sense, he muttered in caustic fashion, although not loud enough to suggest he'd rather see her *in a match...*). We take a brief look at Chyna's slutty photos (not to mention the fake breasts) in "Raw" Magazine. No mic time for Jericho 'cause he ALWAYS says the SAME thing and we want to keep it fresh. After three entrances for four folks, it's nice to see some UNITY on the heel side. Sign in crowd: "Guerrero stole my Chapula" Malenko and Jericho start out with a bit of chain wrestling, a bit of mat wrestling, and the crowd gets busy ignoring all of it and working hard on a "Y2J" chant. Michael Cole wonders aloud which McMahon is running things these days. Jericho takes control with chops, off the ropes, head down, kick by Malenko, but Jericho catches him off the ropes with a belly-to-belly overhead release. Clothesline. Tag to Hotty, doubleteaming, off the ropes, dropkick by Hotty. Malenko tags to Benoit. Side headlock, powered out, off the ropes, shoulderblock, running the ropes again, Hotty with the leapfrog, Benoit stops and chops (woooo!). Off the ropes, hiptoss blocked, flippy flippy by Hotty, knee to the gut, suplex...and nips up. Moonwalk to a tag to Sexay, a dance for HIM - knocking him down, second rope dropkick out of the corner and tag to Jericho. Two shots from Jericho, whip is reversed, and Benoit hangs him out to dry on the top rope. Dragging him to his corner, and holding him down for Malenko. Malenko puts him in the adjacent corner, the opposite corner, and stomps away. Head to the buckle, tag to Saturn, still kicking. Saturn with a right, off the ropes with a flying lariat. Exploder with a release! Tag to Benoit. Chop, chop, Jericho sent into the corner sternum-first, Jericho flips out of the backdrop suplex attempt and hits a German suplex with a release! Jericho manages a tag to Sexay, Saturn also tagged in but Sexay is a HOUSE ON FIRE WITH A LONG BELT! All three men go down black ninja style - two scoop slams and a dropkick - and now it's a Pier Six brawl as everybody gets in. Sexay with an apron-to-the-floor powerbomb on Benoit. Sexay takes Saturn into a corner while Hotty works on Malenk in the opposite corner. Double whip coming up - Saturn reverses his but Sexay ducks Malenko's clothesline - but Saturn doesn't! Sexay with a superkick for Malenko, and Too Cool hits a double clothesline to take Saturn out. Malenko into the corner, bulldog off the ropes by Hotty, and now it MUST be time for the Wurm. Guerrero's on the apron to try to stop it, but Chyna is over to drag him to the floor and Hotty hits it anyway. Malenko spins Chyna around but gets pasted with a right, then flattened by a clothesline. Back in the ring, Too Cool on Saturn - double back elbow, pose, double elbowdrop. Waiting for him to get up as Chyna and Jericho doubleteam Malenko up the ramp. Back in the ring, Saturn ducks a double clothesline off the ropes, Benoit pulls out Hotty, but Sexay ducks another clothesline and hits a DDT on Saturn. Benoit puts Hotty into the steps hard. Guerrero on the apron again, now distracting referee "Blind" Jack Doan. The Hip Hop Drop on Saturn DOES hit, but Benoit comes off the top with the swandive headbutt behind the ref's back. Saturn rolls into position over Sexay - Doan back around to count it...1, 2, 3. (5:31) Hugs all around for the (ugh) Radicals! They stole one thanks to Guerrero, sayeth our commentators.

The Rock is WALKING! And Mideon's got something to say to him - no, check that, he's here to eat a punch! Thanks for dropping by, Mid!

WWF: The Music (Volume 4) ad - did I read right that "Full Metal: the Album" was going to get a rerelease, or did I just imagine that? Hey, anybody got a copy of that early 90's WCW album? I wanna hear "the Natural" again. "Well, they call him the Natural (Naturaaaaaal)..."

Back out back, a limo - ARRIVES! Who's in it? Well, let's find out...ahhh, it's Shane - and the Big Show! Boooooo (-yah)!

JEFF HARDY (with Matt Hardy) v. ESSA RIOS (with Lita) for the Light Heavyweight Championship - Let Us Take You Back to No Way Out and show you Terri turning on the Hardyz. Kick, punch, chop, left, right, off the ropes, dueling hiptosses, Rios flips, chop, off the ropes, down low, down low again, crisscross, flying clothesline by Hardy for 2. Whip into the corner, Rios dumps him over but Hardy pulls him down by the hair. Split-legged moonsault misses, but a plancha to the outside doesn't. Back into the ring quick, cover, 1, 2, no. Into the corner is reversed, Hardy flips up and down around the top turnbuckle in the corner, Rios dropkicks him in the back - Hardy tied to the tree of woe, but as Rios advances again, Hardy pulls himself up and Rios slides under to the outside. Hardy tries a leap from the top turnbuckle, OVER the corner, but Rios steps aside and Hardy hits the barrier - then, Rios decides HE'LL take a vault - wow! a SOMERSAULT PLANCHA OVER the corner to the floor! Rolled back in, Rios climbing the corner - missile dropkick to the back! 1, 2, no. Here's a Double Feature of the last flip. Hardy reverses a whip and Rios does a handspring off the ropes, a backflip, then a rollup for a 2 count. Big clothesline by Rios - again he gets 2. Rios advancing, but Hardy hits a drop toehold, taking Rios' head to the second turnbuckle. Irish whip into the corner is reversed, Rios drops down as Hardy goes up and over him, Hardy drops backwards, dropkicking him on the way. Chop, kick, kick, sat up on the top, Rios kicks him away, then flies off the top with a 'rana. Hardy goes outside, but Lita is over, and she TORQUES him with a 'rana of her own! Rios covers - but only gets 2! In the corner, whip out, reversed, Rios tries a dive off the top, but Jeff ducks - as Rios tumbles through, Lita gets up to try one - but this time referee "Blind" Chad Patton sees what's going on and warns her not to get involved. Behind his back, Matt Hardy comes in, hits a gutshot - Twist of Fate by Matt! Jeff going to the top for the senton bomb...HITS IT! (Cole calls it the "Swanton bomb" - eh?)...but Lita is up and on the opposite top turbuckle - and there's a moonsault on Jeff - Patton saw that one, though, and calls for the bell. (DQ 4:12) Jeff has the victory but no belt - he's a bit perturbed about that. Speaking of perturbed, post-match, Rios takes the match and tells her in Spanish that she's the mujer and he's the hombre, or something. She hauls off and slaps him one. They leave together...but they're arguing all the way.

And tonight, Snow and Blackman are in a restaurant, off on a blind date, and wearing matching loud Hawaiian shirts to boot! The idea, says Snow, is that this'll help Blackman out with his personality-deficiency. "How do you know this girl?" "She's in my ...uhhtherapygroup..." "WHAT?" And here's the chick - she seems - peppy.

Big Show and Shane - ARE - WALKING!! And making hand gestures for our benefit

Rock is the main focus of this ad for "WWF SmackDown!" for the PlayStation - wow, it looks like it kicks the ASS of the ECW game.

Mankind is still searchin' for that ravioli...

Man, a half hour without an interview! Maybe you and I *are* being rewarded for sitting through that God-awful RAW?

And now, the WWF Boot of the Week - brought to you by LUGZ! The People's Elbow - followed by the blatant DQ - ahhh, the highs and lows of being a Rock fan. DECIDE & CONQUER!

Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, Blackman's date talks nonstop and with great hyperactivity while Blackman makes funny faces. This is funnier than it sounds...but not much...

Here come SKIPPY & WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW to keep us from going through filibusterin' withDRAWL, if you will. Speak, Shane! "I know what you've all been thinking...where have you been, Shane McMahon?" "Asshole! Asshole!" "From the sound of things, it sounds like ya missed me. Well, quite frankly, I've missed each and every one of you also. You see, life is all about timing, and timing is exactly what happened last Sunday night at No Way Out..." "Rock E! Rock E!" "...that egomaniacal Rock got EXACTLY what he deserved! Exactly what he had coming to him last Sunday! As a matter of fact, let's go back to last Sunday and No Way Out, and let's take a look at the footage! Oh, look at the Rock, going for the People's Elbow, thinking he's just seconds away from victory--WHAM! BOOM! Unbelievable athleticism - the Rock was denied his #1 Contendership for WrestleMania - matter of fact, that footage was so nice, that I had the pleasure of doing it twice - the very next day at Madison Square Garden, RAW is WAR, Shane O. Mac, once again denied the Rock at becoming the #1 Contender at WrestleMania...let's take a look! There it is, going for the 1-2-noohhhhh, Rock is denied one more time! BAM! Right in the side of the head, thus setting up - oh, going for the big ride - and BOOM! Going downtown by the Big Show. Now many of you asked, 'why Shane, why?' Well, you see, I cannot allow the Rock to dominate the World Wrestling Federation - just as Stone Cold Steve Austin did. You see, my father Vince made a mistake - he did not SQUASH Stone Cold Steve Austin as Austin was climbing up that ladder of success - it was too late - Austin became an ICON in the World Wrestling Federation! But you see, I learn from my father's mistakes. And I was not gonna make the same one - I would not allow the Rock to go on to WrestleMania - that egomanice to become the WWF Champion - THAT is why I stop that Rock's dream! You see, the World Wrestling Federation does not need a champion that - raises an eyebrow. The WWF does not need a champion that - is a prima donna. The WWF does NOT need a champion that drops something known as - the People's Elbow. Nononono, what the WWF needs is the most ferocious athlete in the world today - the most amazing and largest athlete in the world today, we're talking about the seven-foot-two, 500 pound future Champion of the World Wrestling Federation...ladies and gentlemen, the Big Show! And Show, I just have one question for you - now that you are the UNDISPUTED #1 Contender here in the World Wrestling Federation for the WWF Championship - Big Show, what are you gonna do know?" "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do - I'm going to WrestleMania to become the NEXT - W - W - F - CHAMPION!" Well LA ROCA has had enough - he's out to offer HIS rebuttal. "Shane, Big Show, the Rock says you think you're real cute. You think you've actually managed to screw the Rock out of everything he's worked for. You think you've actually managed to keep the Rock down, but in actuality, the only thing you've managed to do is something you never should have down, and that's (bleep) the Rock off! So the Rock says this. Is the Rock the #1 Contender in the WWF? No, he is not. Is the Rock going on to WrestleMania to face the WWF Champion? No, he is not! But the one thing that the Rock is, is something you two jabrones will never be, regardless, after every chokeslam; regardless, after every Pedigree; after every shot you take at the Rock, the Rock still stands before you today, the People's...Champion." "Rock E Rock E Rock E" "So you're probably saying to yourself, 'well Rock, you're not the #1 Contender, you're not going to WrestleMania to face the champion, you've got nothing to gain...' but that fact of the matter is this - the Rock has nothing...to lose. Now seeing as the Rock has nothin' to lose, the Rock figured he'd entertain himself tonight. The Rock figured he'd amuse himself tonight. And the Rock figured, the only way to do that is by taking you AND you and kickin' both your candyasses all over this arena!" "Wait just a second there, Rock. I KNOW you can not want another seven-foot-two chokeslam from hell to put your lying carcass through the mat...although I admire your fortitude, Rock, I KNOW you don't want none of this either. But Rock, if you would like to come down to this ring tonight, and take on both myeslf and the Big Show, hoho - we'd be more than happy to accomodate your request. Just imagine that, Show...TWO - on ONE - the Great One - would be music to our ears." Well, now RIKISHI PHATU is out. "Rock, Rikishi understands that you don't need my help to beat those two jabrones. But Rock, there's two things these people wanna see here tonight...one, Big Show takin' the Rock Bottom...and two, Shane McMahon's face taking ..." and he turns around and removes his skirt "...MY bottom!" "So it seems that it's set - tonight the Rock says it's gonna be the Rock and Rikishi takin' your two candyasses on - Shane McMahon, your face between those two cheeks...Big Show, the Rock's foot, turned sideways, straight up your candyass....if ya smellllllllalalalaloww what the Rock is cooking!"

"WrestleMania All Day Long" spot

Mankind - ravioli - again. That reporter looks...weird. Like a cat, I think.

Hey, you know what's weird about this Internet thing? Now we can have an ENTIRE set of commercials for stuff that's got websites associated with it. Check it out:

In that second local spot - wow, the Rock's got the biggest head on the "UPN 44 Discovery Guide!" Win two tix to the San Jose 4 April SmackDown! taping! Yowza!

Kurt Angle (wearing both belts, natch) tells D'Lo Brown he plans on retaining the belts for a long, long time. Brown wants to play SmackDown! on the PlayStation and not pay attention. Anyway, Sergeant Slaughter comes in and tells Brown that the Godfather's looking for him. After Brown leaves, Angle takes umbrage at being "interrupted." "Whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute - you come in and interrupt me while I'm talking to D'Lo Brown. I mean, you're just like everybody else out there. I go out there night after night, people are booing me - I mean, you used to be my hero...I used to be a part of your Cobra Corps! Now - you know what? I'm just very disappointed right now." "YOU'RE disappointed in ME? You know, I still carry my gear with me." "What, is that a challenge? You lost your intensity and your integrity, I know that, but you lost your intelligence as well?" "You know what - I'm going to take you to basic training, maggot!"

SmackDown! is brought to you by "WWF SmackDown!" for the PlayStation, milk (Got Milk?), and Honda's "Road to Savings!"

TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ v. CRASH HOLLY (with Scale Holly) for the Hardcore Championship - Taz wants to meet him outside the ring and it's on. Quickly we're over the barricade and walking over to the penalty box (I think) - crowd chants "ECW" and now we're through a door and in a hall. Taz scoops him up, into the wall, into another wall, head to a door - PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN trying a splash and missing, hitting Crash instead - huh? Taz with a wrench - WHACK - also for BIG BOSSMAN, who gets involved...Albert ends up locked in a freezer after being whacked with a metal canister, and Bossman gets a bottle broken over his head...Crash with a surprise fire extinguisher blast as Taz exits the room. Crash breaks a bottle, then a plank over his head and covers - 1, 2, 3. (1:52) Replay of the lead wrench shots and the plank shot. Crash runs back to the ring and celebrates.

Blackman orders food and his date chatters about ...a fish. And "Lady and the Tramp." I guess we had to be there.

"WWF aXess" is presented WrestleMania weekend by 1-800-CALL-ATT! It's three days of - my cable going out! Booooooo! Oops, it's back. Tix on sale Saturday at the Convention Center Box Office (in Anaheim, I think).

WWF: The Music (Volume 4) ad #2

When the cable's NOT out, you're watching UPN!

LILIAN GARCIA interviews Crash Holly, who says he's the greatest Hardcore championship the WWF has ever had - and to prove it, he's going to defend the title "24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year" - if they can find a sanctioned referee to follow him around, they can try to get a pinfall on him at ANY time in ANY place - I'm thinking while he sleeps would be a good idea...

ROAD DOGG & X-PAC (with Tori) v. EDGE (you blink you blow him) & CHRISTIAN (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) - Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Mr. Ass was conveniently written out of the script. As the Canadian Blondes walk out, NIPPLES appears and bounces down the ramp. Crowd chants "Terri," 'cause she's the most over person out there right now. X-Pac and Christian start - side headlock by X-Pac, working it, Christian powers out, shoulderblock by X-Pac. Up and over, leapfrog, dueling hiptoss attempts, flippy-flippy by X-Pac, spinning heel kick misses, Christian with a side Russian legsweep - 1, 2, Dogg breaks it up. Tag to Edge - off the ropes with a double hiptoss. Arm wringer by Edge, X-Pac punches out, Edge punches back, off the ropes, X-Pac ducks and hits a spinning heel kick. Tag out to the Dogg - who covers for 2. "DX sucks" chant may or may not be legit. Right from Dogg, whip is reversed, clothesline ducked, another whip reversed, Edge puts the boot up, second rope dropkick. 1, 2, nope. Right, off the ropes is reversed, and X-Pac pulls the top rope to take Edge outside. Into the STEEL steps! Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas misses all this as Christian is in the ring trying really hard to get him to look at Edge - oops. X-Pac stomping away, then putting him back in the ring for Dogg to cover - 1, 2, no. Rear chinlock and putting a knee between the shoulder blades...Edge tries to get some cheers started but all we get is an "X-Pac sux" chant. Edge elbows out and tries to make the tag, but Dogg pulls the hair and takes him to the mat. Dragging him over to the friendly corner, tag to X-Pac, kick, double whip, Dogg sends him in but Edge sidesteps and X-Pac crotches the turnbuckle. Spear for Dogg! Everybody down - Dogg looking but nobody's in his corner, Edge making the hot tag to Christian! Clothesline ducked, right, right, X-Pac from behind but the whip is reversed, and Christian hits a powerslam! Ducking a clothesline from the Dogg, set up for the Tomokaze, X-pac breaks that up, but gets caught into a gutbuster! But Christian turns BACK the lefts from the Dogg, a shot for Edge, and that gave Christian just enough to block the right and hit one of his own - off the ropes - double clothesline and both men are down. Outside the ring, Terri SLAPS Edge after he pulled away from her checking on him. Christian watching this - and missing the fact that X-Pac is behind him and ready with the Golota. One X Factor later, that's all she wrote. 1, 2, 3. (4:47) After the replays, Christian SHOVES Edge to the mat! Edge pops up unhappy and now there's bit of a debate going on. Quick, stop the DX music, play Edge's music and maybe everything will be okay! Well, let's go to the break before something happens.

"APA Protection" vignette - while the Acolytes play cards, an answering machine message tells us that they're open for bidness. Faarooq needs a bud, Bradshaw goes to the top drawer of the filing cabinet - and only finds ice. "We're outta Bud!" "How 'bout a Heineken?" "We're outta hiney!" "What?! Outta hiney?" "I got it - how 'bout a Zima?" "Ohho, man, please." APA Protection: "'cause we need beer money!"

Shane and Show walk into the DX office - surely intrigue is ensuing!

TEST v. VISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSCERA - this is the kind of match that ONLY *I* enjoy, you know? Test tries to get the jump on Viscera, but he quickly turns it around. Wooooo chop! Into the opposite corner, fat ass splash! Kick, pound, scoop - and a slam. ELBOWDROP! Test slips out at 2. Into the corner, Test sidesteps the splash attempt, three rights, off the ropes, duck, back elbow by Test takes him off his feet! Whip into the ropes is reversed, but Test hits a DDT for 2! Test tries to slam him - oops, just threw out his back. Test rolls outside, Vis comes after him - HARD into the STEEL steps. Viscera moving some furniture - climbing a chair - onto the timekeeper's table - but Test goes for the knees and Viscera falls to the floor - Test off the barricade, but Viscera catches him and DRIVES him into the barricade! Clotheslining him back over, another poundin', rolled into the ring, ROAR by Viscera! Now getting back in the ring in deliberate fashion. Test peppers him with rights, but comes off the ring into the Samoan Drop - 1, 2, Test kicks out? Must be because we haven't yet seen the ALLEGED SPINNING HEEL KICK! Viscera over to remove a turnbuckle cover - Test's head put into the COVERED top turnbuckle (duh) but Test manages to reverse things and Viscera's head hits the exposed metal. BODYSLAM BY TEST! Up to the top rope for the Savage elbow - yow! 1, 2, 3! (3:44) Big win for Test and again, it may be just me, but that match did NOT suck.

Shane and Show leave the DX office - did anything happen? Will we find out later? Maybe.

"Have a Nice Day: A Tale of Blood and Sweatsocks" and T-shirt ad.

Seeing this "UPN Discovery Guide" ad again, I spy Shamrock, Sable, Austin, Michaels, and MAN these are some old clips

Steve Blackman's date talks on a cel phone while in the background, Al Snow gets the piano lounge guy to play "Personality." As soon as Blackman hears the opening notes, he gives us another one of his AMAZING facial expressions. Then, between the piano playing, Snow tapping out a beat with his pointer, and the date yakkin' on the phone, Blackman gives us another one of his CLASSIC "Why am I here" looks. This isn't even sarcasm from me, folks!

OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE, REAL AMERICAN HERO, GO JOE!, NOW YOU KNOW (AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE) KURT ANGLE v. SERGEANT SLAUGHTER for the Intercontinental championship - "I can remember when I was just a little kid - and there was a man named Sergeant Slaughter - and he was everything a hero was supposed to be. He was a man of Intensity, Integrity, and Intelligence. But sadly, he's gone from representing the three I's to representing the three B's - a bald, BLOATED - and I hate to say this, because the man was once my hero, but the man's a bonehead! He is - he is. But the good new is, for all you children out there, there is a new American hero for ALL of you to look up to - and that hero is none other than Yours Truly, your Euro-continental champion, and the most celebreated REAL athlete in the WWF!" Holy crap, Sarge comes out to his *1992 ENTRANCE THEME!* YES!! I LIVE for continuity no one gets but me. Angle with a fireman's carry takeover and a yippee. Lockup, Angle goes behind, takedown, three-quarter nelson, 1. Sarge with a boot, boot, into the ropes, Venis-like knee to the midsection, and another. Short-arm clothesline! 1, 2, no! Off the ropes, Slaughter drops to his knees to deliver the elbow. Here's a gutwrench - into a gutbuster! Sarge knows more moves than the Rock! Into the ropes again, reversed, Sarge ducks and IT'S THE COBRA CLUTCH!!!! Angle backs him into the corner, but Slaughter holds on! Angle drops to a knee...then flops forward, dumping Slaughter right on his head on the way down. Oof. Slaughter, incredibly STILL has the hold on, but Angle has a foot in the ropes. Referee "Blind" Jack Down breaks it up. Slaughter rams Angle's head into the corner. A whip into the opposite corner is reversed, and with such force that Slaughter flies over the top rope and the corner, all the way to the floor! Wow, a manly bump for the living legend! Give it a Double Feature! Angle bringing Slaughter back in the hard way - with a suplex from the apron into the ring. Right hand. Another right is blocked, clothesline ducked, right by Slaughter. Ducks a clothesline, AGAIN with the cobra clutch! Angle drops down and hits a double kick from his back. There's the Olympic Slam! It's all over - 1, 2, 3! That match ruled it six ways to Sunday. Now let's NEVER see Slaughter wrestle for ANOTHER two years... after all, this ain't the AWF! (2:59 into Round One) Having said that, these days I'd rather see Slaughter than Patterson...

Hey! There's Kane! He's got both Dudleys - NEXT!

Big Show featured prominently in this "WWF Backtalkin' Crushers" action figures. ("Heygetoffmy - NOSE!")

WWF SmackDown! for the PlayStation ad - no Austin to be seen

And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by Jakks Pacific WWF Backtalkin' Crushers! Kane chokeslams everybody...from RAW.

Angle continues his celebration backstage, dumping packets of sugar, plastic utensils, and a big bag of popcorn all over himself and the floor - much to the placid consternation of a stone-faced custodian.

Snickers presents WrestleMania!

DUDLEY BOYZ v. KANE (with Paul Bearer) in a Handicap match - a little revenge for the Dudleys as they get this booking - or is it revenge for DX, who probably booked it? Dudleys pounding away on Kane as Cole tells us that both Dudleyz can be in the ring at the same time. Into the ropes, two heads down, uppercut, knee, double choke, double knee to prevent it, Dudleyz with a double suplex! But there's a zombie situp! Double clothesline by Kane. D-Von into the corner, big sidewalk slam. Baaaack body drop for Buh-Buh Ray. Cole dares once again to ask who's in charge around here. As Kane puts D-Von on his shoulder, Buh-Buh Ray hits a chop block to take the big man down. Standing on the neck - D-Von joins him in a *double* stand on the neck. Double whip into the opposite corner, D-Von whips Buh-Buh Ray into Kane, then D-Von hits a flying jalapeno. Buh-Buh off the ropes with the elbowdrop, and there's two. D-Von's holding him down. Big splash by Buh-Buh Ray - but Kane gets up! Trying to uppercut D-Von but Buh-Buh Ray stops it. Kane throwing punches to each man, but he's one and they're two - the tide turns back. Off the ropes, double shoulderblock. They take turns kicking him in the head. D-Von with a right. In the corner, alternating punches from the Dudleyz, Buh-Buh Ray going to the mask, D-Von choking, into the opposite corner, but Kane pops out with a lariat for Buh-Buh Ray. D-Von with rights, but now they're having no effect, Kane coming back with uppercuts for both men. Buh-Buh Ray into the ropes, big boot, and a big boot for D-Von. Kane goes outside and to the top - he's gonna fly - flying clothesline for Buh-Buh Ray! Punches for D-Von, uppercut, whip into the opposite corner, but D-Von puts the feet up. Back suplex by Kane - Paul Bearer on the apron so referee "Blind" Teddy Long can be distracted long enough for the Dudleyz to do the "headbutt to the graun" spot. D-Von working over Kane while Buh-Buh Ray finds a table. Long yelling at him to keep the furniture out of it but Buh-Buh Ray has made up his mind - but Kane counters with a back bodydrop, then gets D-Von (who is on the apron - who knows why) in a choke - CHOKESLAM THROUGH THE TABLE! D-Von twitches OLD SCHOOL STYLE while Long calls for the bell (DQ 4:55) and Kane sets the turnbuckles alight. Buh-Buh Ray gives one of his "hope it's not REALLY orgasmic" stares even though it's his BROTHER been put through the table. Here's a replay of the chokeslam - and the twitching!

Meanwhile, at the restaurant Snow asks Julie how the date's going - the date says that Blackman ran off - "something about having a brain anyeurism or something." Snow asks about her guppy and she's off once again...well, at least THEY'RE hitting it off...

Mankind - ravioli - #3 - I'm a-gettin' sick of this ad, yo. When WILL the madness end?

WWF WrestleMania is only *5* weeks away, says the Snickers logo!

Lilian Garcia is on the phone - Crash Holly walks by and she asks him if he's gonna sleep with that belt - Holly reminds her that the belt is on the line 24 hours a day! (Not that he has to worry about that, 'cause he's the best ever)

The Big Show and Shane are WALKING!

Outside, Crash Holly loads up his car - Rodney drags Jim Korderas and a trashcan into the pitcure - WHACK! Holly slumps into the trunk of his car - Korderas putting on a count! 1, 2, Joey Abs appears and pulls off Rodney and makes a cover of his own! 1, 2, Rodney pulls him off and now the argument is on - Pete "Gas" is over to punk them BOTH out and try a cover - 1, 2, HE is pulled off. As the Posse argues and brawls amongst themselves, Crash manages to exit the trunk, get into the driver's seat and drive off (with an open trunk) - the Posse yells at each other for blowing their chance at gold - you know....THIS....has some potential. I can just imagine the poor refs going on strike again to fight constantly being awakened at 3am to follow some guy who's following Crash...refs in striped pajamas! THAT'S GOLD, BABY! Get me Bishop on the phone, it's time to write up a treatment!

Rock and Rikishi Phatu are ... WADDLING!

wwf.com promo

Right after SmackDown, a special look at "Secret Agent Man!" Hmm, I smell an early end to this show...

That was a pretty short segment, wasn't it?

And now, the Smack of the Night, presented by "WWF SmackDown!" for the PlayStation - from No Way Out, Shane's chairshot prevented the People's Elbow, and Big Show got the pin...and the #1 Contendership.

WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & SKIPPY v. RIKISHI PHATU and LA ROCA - both Shane and Show wear "Big Show" T-shirts, Shane opting to retain the sleeves - probably a wise move. Whoops, he's gonna speak one more time - what, making up for lost mic time, Shane-O? "As much as I enjoy laying the smack down on the Rock, from one side of the ring to the other, there's been a change in tonight's lineup! You see, I was feeling a little sorry for the Rock, I was feeling bad for him that the Rock will never ever touch WWF gold again. So I took it upon myself to give Rock maybe just a taste of that gold, maybe the Rock can just brush up against it - so ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to introduce my replacement in tonight's match - the current World Wrestling Federation champion (that is, until WrestleMania)...give it up for TRIPLE H!" As you might expect, he is accompanied by STEPHANIE ONO. Wow, we didn't see him until 9:47. Let us ponder this. Show parts the ropes for Stephanie. Get this, Show makes fun of Rikishi's weight. Now THAT'S irony, baby! Funny, but his weight seems to have shot up from 401 to 426 seemingly overnight! Rock finally comes out, the ring is rushed and it's on. The good guys quickly take control as H goes over the top rope, then Show is double clotheslined. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner puts Rock on the outside while Phatu continues to work on the Big Show. BELLY-to-BELLY suplex! Drumstick drop! 1, 2, no! Show blocks a punch and headbutts him. Another headbutt. Tag to Triple H. "Rock E Rock E..." H punching away, Phatu punching back, now only Phatu punching, rubbing his rump for good measure, another big punch - and a buttsplash in the corner. Got him on his shoulder, but H wriggles free and goes to the back of the leg, clipping him. Show tagged in - elbowdrop across the bandaged knee, elbowdrop, elbowdrop - I sense he's working on the body part. Phatu punches back, however - whip is reversed - SIDEWALK SLAM BY THE SHOW! Show holding his back afterwards. Right hand. Big open-handed slap. Got him by the hair - elbow to the back of the head. Tag to Triple H - open shot. Right. Phatu slumps in the corner, right, right from Phatu, back and forth, Phatu right, H goes for the kicks to the bad knee. So Phatu wears Otomix but they cut some of the letters out of the sole logo, huh? H takes the ankle to the ringpost - Rock is over, but so's Hebner to keep him from getting into the action. Are people singing the Big Show's theme song behind the commentators? Tag to the Show - splash MISSES, and there's a superkick by Phatu! Limping to his corner - no, he's gonna drive his ass into the Show's face instead. Show staggers around...into a Samoan Drop! Unfortunately, Phatu is spent after lifting 500 pounds across his back and NOW can't make that tag. Crowd chants "Rock E" to spur on Phatu - errr.... Both men looking to tag - big chant - both men tag! Right, right, right, Helmsley bouncing up and down off the mat each time - into the corner is reversed, but Rock comes out with a clothesline! Rock hits a right, whip is reveresed, but Rock holds on - and hits a DDT - but only gets 2! Right, right, right, right, right, right, meanwhile Show is over with a chair - WHACK onto the injured ankle of Phatu! Whip into the ropes is reversed by the Rock, spinebuster! Right for the Show on the apron, which takes him to the floor. Shane up on the apron, and Hebner deals with him, missing a Golota by the Champ onto the Rock. Show chairs Riksihi again (or...the STEEL steps very close to Phatu). Show bringing his chair into the ring now...swinging for the Rock - but hitting his partner! Rock with rights - AND THE DEADLY KISSED RIGHT! Back to Triple H...Rock Bottom! And it's time now for THE most electrifying move in sports entertainment - or so I've heard - the People's Elbow. Count him down, folks - this match is like the Rock - OVER. 1, 2, 3. (7:23) Are there problems now between the Big Show and the champion? Show didn't seem all THAT unhappy when he figured out he'd chaired the wrong guy - in fact, he was practically SHRUGGING it off! Rock walking off (where'd Rikishi Phatu go?) and now, in the ring, Stephanie and Shane have words - Shane getting in Stephanie's face, Triple H with a PUNK OUT SHOT (!) for Shane, Show over to get HIS mug into things. The Helmsleys quickly leave the ring as Shane and Show stare at them. Cole proclaims "a civil war - the McMahon family may never be the same - again!" Credits are up and we're out!

...two minutes early, so we can take a special look at "Secret Agent Man," aka "Contrived Sexual Situations Set Against a Backdrop of a Poor Man's James Bond and It's Also an Empty Remake of An Old Show." How come none of 'em are named Drake? Or was I not paying attention? Or am I thinking of a different show? Oh, who CARES. Right? See you Tuesday!