KINGS UPDATE: 41-29, fourth place (18 GB) - we clinched a playoff spot and are currently #7 in the West. Hey, how about that Knicks game on Tuesday? Almost made up for losing to the Lakers on Sunday...still, at #7 we face the winners of the Midwest title and not the Lakers, so we'll lose WELL before we have to worry about them. Eh? Eh?

You're watching UPN!

And just for fun, here's another UPN promo - that Apollo Four Forty "Can't Stop the Rock" one - "WWF SmackDown! begins - RIGHT NOW!"

(No longer giant) TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Close captioned logo - and opening credits - time to remove Foley, isn't it?

PYRO!! The House of Ovals is ON TAPE 30.3.2K (taped 28.2) from the Unnamed Arena in San Antonion, TX and en esapnol donde sea disponible!

THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (and Paul Bearer) and RIKISHI PHATU v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ in a nontitle match - always seems weird to start off with a match, doesn't it? Lawler says some stipulations are rumoured to be added to the Fatal Four-way elimination match at WrestleMania, so stick around... Why are Kane and Phatu teaming, anyway? Couldn't find anything else to do with 'em? This team takes on X-Pac and Road Dogg Sunday. Tonight, Rock takes on Kurt Angle! Dudleys rush the ring and a Pier Four brawl erupts. Buh-Buh Ray taken outside, Rikishi hits the apron, leaving these two. D-Von's rights have no effect - Kane catches the next one - Buh-Buh Ray in, but Kane has eyes in the back of his head, clothesline. Sidewalk slam on D-Von. Phatu tagged in - house afire bit - double noggin knocker. Biggish "Rikishi" chant. He's warming up his ass! D-Von manages to avoid the stink face by shoving Phatu by the cheeks (yow) into a clothesline by Buh-Buh Ray. Phatu goes to his wrapped leg here - still selling, or is it really hurt? Buh-Buh Ray directing traffic, then giving Kane a shot in order to draw him in and distract referee "Blind" Jim Korderas. Here's the "headbutt to the graun" spot, and D-Von ALMOST loses his head going between the massive thighs of the Samoan. Stomp. Cover, check that, it's a blatant choke. Into the corner - Phatu gives a back elbow to Buh-Buh Ray, then sidesteps the charge of D-Von and headbutts him - HERE'S the stinkface for D-Von, but Buh-Buh Ray clips him right in the injured leg - out of the corner with a splash, and he's back out. D-Von over to drop the elbow on the injured leg - cover - 2. Kane pacing on the apron...D-Von hits rights to the back of the head - off the ropes with an elbow, tag out to Buh-Buh Ray. Propped up in the corner - open-handed slap only seems to wake him up - another slap, same effect. Dudley hits a gutshot and a DDT, but Samoans got some hard heads - off the ropes, duck, superkick by Phatu, tag to Kane! Flying clothesline for D-Von, clothesline for Buh-Buh Ray - another knockdown of D-Von, big boot for Buh-Buh Ray, D-Von into the corner, double choke - Buh-Buh Ray from behind. Double whip, duck, double choke - DOUBLE CHOKESLAM! Kane's thumb crosses his throat - but he decides to tag instead. D-Von out on the mat - Banzai Drop. 1, 2, 3. The tag team champs have been pinned in a nontitle match - how's this affect their chances of holding onto the titles on Sunday? (4:40) Phatu noticably grimaces...that leg.

Backstage, a bus pulls up - Road Dogg, X-Pac and Tori walk up to meet it - and Stephanie and Hunter exit the bus to meet them. And now the whole of DX - is - WALKING!

WrestleMania promo

"Secret Agent Man" promo features lotsa wet chicks and helium for Lawler

TREBLE H & STEPHANIE ONO are out to get this party started right/quickly. I hear Triple H is the Game (what game? Scruples?). After a long entrance and a short "asshole" chant, we get down to bidness. "Steph, can you feel it in the air? Three days. To the greatest pay-per-view event of all time. Three days...to Wrestle Mania. Three days until four of the biggest stars ever in the World Wrestling Federation step into this very ring....in a Fatal Four-way elimination match to decide just who is ["Rock E!"] to determine just who is the true champion - to determine who is the World Wrestling Federation champion." What's wrong with Stephanie's head? Is it unbalanaced? Off kilter? She keeps cocking it to one side like all the brain is on one side or something. Oh sorry, back to the reading: "If you don't think the intensity has picked up around here, you're crazy. You can feel it in the back - you can feel it out here - it's THICK in the air - you know, every week I come out here and I call myself the Game. I'm gonna explain to you why. I am the Game because I eat, sleep, breathe, think nothing else of - this business. I am the Game because I have sweat, I have bled, I have paid the ultimate price to be the best in this business - I bust my ass every day of my life to be the best in this business! And there's not a person in the back that can tell me - there's not a person that can walk out here and prove to me - that I'm not the very best at what I do. In this ring right now, I have no equal. I guarantee the world I will leave WrestleMania THE World Wrestling Federation champion - WHY? Because whether you like it or not, I AM THAT DAMN GOOD." "No Chance in Hell" fires up and out walks BILLIONAIRE VINCE. "Just how good are you, Triple H? I guess we're about to find out. You seem unusually confident - there must be a reason for that. Knowing *the coward that you are*, I think you've - think you've found a way to weasel out of this matchup in some way and still be the WWF Champion - on, perhaps, a disqualification - perhaps you think you're gonna be counted out and then save your WWF Championship. Well, if that's what you're thinking - think again. Because the Fatal Four-way elimination matchup, as of right now, this Sunday, will have no disqualification...will have no countout...the public deserves to find out just who is the best man, and that best man...will be victorious by only one way - and that is a pin after everyone else is eliminated - a pin In That Very Ring. Oh, and just one other thing, Triple H - good luck." H gives us "drat! curses!" as Vince walks off. "You know, as unfair as that is - as ridiculous as that is - if you think that rattles me, Vince, you're wrong - if you think it shakes my confidence, you're wrong. I want you to think long and hard - remember who the hell you're talking to! I am the Man - I am the man that retired Mick Foley - I am the man that retired the hardcore legend - I am the man that retired the King of the Death match! No DQ means NOTHING to me! I am the man that put Mick Foley - Cactus Jack - out of this business!" As if on cue, Mankind's music starts up and out comes MICK FOLEY. "Wait wait wait - Triple H is right - Triple H did retire Mick Foley - Triple H did put Mick Foley out of this business - but Triple H, unfortunately for you, at WrestleMania, for one night only, Mick Foley is back IN THIS BUSINESS! And seeing how it now is suddenly 'no disqualification,' well - I guess it wouldn't hurt if I brought along...this." And he produces the 2x4 wrapped in barbed wire as H gives us "fear." "Now I know, Triple H, I know I know, I know I came out here last week and I said I wasn't gonna hurt you with my barbed wire bat, but instead I was gonna take what you hold dearest - your WWF Championship. But ya see, Triple H, I don't see any reason why I cannot take your belt and beat the hell outta you at the same time! You see, Triple H, I've got one advantage outta you, and that is after WrestleMania YOU have got to get up and go back to work - I don't! Which means at WrestleMania I sure as hell am going to let it all hang out! I do not care if I stay in bed all damn day - as a matter of fact, I don't care if it's in a hospital bed - as long as I have YOUR championship belt around my waist! It's gonna be a long, long time before wrestling fans see Mick Foley again, so I'll just say this - it has been my honour to go into your living rooms every Monday and Thursday night - and I can promise you this - that this is going to be ONE HELL of a match! So Triple H, do me just one small favour - get your damn lip marks off my belt, because at WrestleMania, Mrs. Foley's little boy is going home WITH THE GOLD!" Hey, you believe him? Just asking...

Backstage, Kurt Angle tells "Phil" (old security dude) that it's all a big conspiracy - Big Show interrupts the proceedings and asks him for a moment...

Mankind's out of ravioli! AGAIN!!

HEY! New "Make 7 Up Yours" commercial! They STILL rule!

Yep, it's true - NBC will be the Saturday Night home of the XFL. Dick Ebersol says "smash mouth football" and chills go up my spine. How does UPN feel about hyping NBC? Well, Ebersol gives some props to UPN in this piece so I guess they let it go.

TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ v. CRASH HOLLY (with Scale Holly) for the Hardcore championship - hey, that guy in the crowd spelled it wrong - he only used one Z! Crash keeps looking over his shoulder. Tazz pounding away on him - into the corner - boot up but Tazz puts it over his own shoulder, front face, and hits a - wow! That's a DEEP SEA fishermanplex! Outside the ring we go - Holly's head to the table - cover on the floor - referee "Blind" Jack Doan counts - 1, 2, no. Crash wandering away, Tazz over to meet him and we're over the barricade. VISCERA meets Holly down here and now it's a three-way. Now Holly leaves Viscera and Tazz to fight amongst themselves - now the HEAD BANGERS are over - 2x4 to the spine - Mosh covers - referee "Blind" Chad Patton over - 1, 2, Tazz breaks it up. Again Holly gets some ground as folks fight amongst themselves...now behind the curtain. Tazz all over him - Thrasher breaks the cover - ironing board! I'm getting seasick from this cinematography - between the semis we go - more of the same - cover, break, cover, break, walk, walk, walk - Holly manages to escape... (no contest? 2:30)

GTV cuts in and we see Val Venis welcome the Kat into his motel room - Kat hits on Venis, who's apparently the special guest referee in the Katfight Sunday. Before the sex starts, the picture cuts out...

Meanwhile, Edge & Christian are WALKING!

Interesting that while we never get "Beyond the Mat" ads on this show, there seems to be no problem with "Ready to Rumble" ads, eh?

And now, get ready for some maximum power - delivered by RC Edge Maximum Power cola! From RAW - the Dudley Boyz hit 3D (Dudley Death Drop) on Kane - Tori tries to take advantage, but Kane's ready to choke her - but DX throws him through a table.

"During the Break" footage shows the Hardcore title match continuing - Holly's hiding, but the Mean Street Posse found him - into the kegs! Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas is with them - AGAIN Holly manages to run off.

The HARDY BOYZ come out to provide commentary, joining our pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. Quick impression of Jeff Hardy on headset: "Yeah. Big match."

ROAD DOGG & X-PAC (with Run-D.M.C. - in spirit)v. CHRISTIAN & EDGE (you fling cue gnome) - Dogg is denied mic time when the sound guy fails to cut their music. Jeff: "You know, King, the Edge came out here trying to talk about somebody's hair - come on, why don't we talk about his big teeth?" Dogg and Edge start, arm wringer by Edge, side headlock, Dogg powers out and reverses. Into the ropes, shoulderblock by Dogg, off the ropes, over the rope - but he holds on - on the apron with crotch chops, Edge slides under the bottom rope AND him and pulls his ankles to the floor. Body scissors on the floor - dropped on the barricade wheelbarrow style! Rolled back in - tag to Christian. Into the ropes, double hiptoss. Cover - 2. Dogg to the eyes, pound, tag to X-Pac, kick, right, Christian fires back, trading blows, into the ropes, duck, duck, side Russian legsweep. Matt says they'll do "anything - and I'll repeat, anything" to win on Sunday. Dogg crotches Christian as he climbs up top. Standing on the neck - X-Pac goes for the bronco buster, and hits it. Edge gives him a shot on the apron, so referee "Blind" Tim White is over to warn him - Dogg comes in and a doubleteam stompin' occurs. Dogg stays in - Christian sat on top - Christian with rights, tornado reverse DDT - reaching for the tag - got it. Right, off the ropes, reversed, duck, spinning heel kick - X-Pac in from behind - into the ropes, powerslam by Edge! Edge going for the reverse Russian leg sweep, but Dogg slips it, gutshot, pumphandle - Edge slips THAT and shoves Dogg right into White! Spear! Hardys, on headset, predict an imminent and unfortunate twist of fate for Edge & Christian, then leave the table. As Christian tries for the Tomokaze on X-Pac, Matt hits a gutshot - and a Twist of Fate. Meanwhile, Jeff hits a wonton soup as Edge tries to cover Dogg - Dogg covers EDGE, White comes to and counts 1, 2, 3. (3:52)

Rock is trying to drink some water, but Mick Foley's got some advice for him - and an offer to watch his back tonight. Rock says he appreciates the offer, but the answer's no.

You're (still) watching UPN!

Hey, dig this crazy SonicNet ad - James Brown! James Brown! James Brown! James Brown! When's the MTVI Group going public, anyway?

And now, the WWF Rewind, brought to you by "WWF Aggression: the CD!" From RAW, Vince hits his hand of stone, Show tries a choke on Vince, Mick puts the Claw on Show, and Rock's Rock Bottom on Shane.

OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE, TRUE BLUE AMERICAN HERO, BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND AND OFFER VOID IN ALASKA AND HAWAII KURT ANGLE v. LA ROCA (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) in a nontitle match - "This message is for all you children out there. Although Sunday is a school night, I am giving all my young fans permission to stay up late Sunday night for WrestleMania to watch Your Olympic Hero retain both the European and Intercontinental titles. And as sure as I am that the San Antonio Spurs will NOT repeat as World Champions this year (they won't, they won't), I am sure that *I* will repeat as EuroContinental champion at WrestleMania - I will, I will." Before we get started, out bound the HELMSLEYS to watch what's going on - Rock makes the mistake of turning his back to check them out and Angle jumps him from behind. Right, right, right, right, right, right, elbow to the back, SKIPPY & WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW are out as well. Choke on the second rope. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner brings the break while Angle brings the noise. Back on him, right, right, into the ropes, Rock ducks and unleashes some rights of his own - five in fact. Angle catches the whip attempt, brings him into a belly-to-belly and suplexes him overhead! Cover - 1, 2, kickout. Stomp by Angle. "Rock E!" goes the crowd. Scoop - and a slam. Stomp, right, right, right, Angle to the bottom rope - now back over with an elbow, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Angle with a kick as Rock's head was down, but Rock hits a clothesline. Angle ducks the next one and hits a belly-to-back for 2. Another choke using the rope - Hebner forces a break and while they argue, Shane gets a bit in himself. Right from Angle - hey, right angle! In the corner, right, right, right, right, standing on the neck. Rock fires back - right, right, head to the buckle, right, right, right, into the corner, back elbow by Angle, cover, 2. I love typing "right" over and over. Scoop - and a slam. Right, right, Angle going to the second rope - but Rock catches him with a gutshot, into a DDT! Both men down and the count is on - both men stir at 6. Rock with "Iblockyourrightyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right, NOW KISS THAT - oh, Angle ducks it - but not the next time! Right! Into the ropes, holding on - bodyslam, Rock covers, 1, 2, thought he got him (and so did the crowd) but apparently the shoulder's up. Angle sneaks in a right, right, into the ropes is reversed, spinebuster by the Rock and now the elbowpad comes off - Triple H gets up on the apron, so Rock punches him (rights for everybody! Hooray!) H is back up, Hebner is over to keep him out of the action, but behind their backs the Show comes in and it's ahhhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM - Angle slowly covers - Hebner counts - 1, 2, no! Right, right, into the ropes, but Rock holds on and hits Rock Bottom! 1, 2, 3! (5:19) Everybody hits the ring and Rock is quickly overpowered. Triple H stomping away on Rock - BILLIONAIRE VINCE is out wielding a chair! WHACK for H! WHACK for Show! Shane FLIES over with a WAFFLE with the WWF title! Here's a WAFFLE for the pancake-lovin' Rock! Shane hands the title to the Big Show and his music plays. Triple H to his feet - WAFFLE for him! Show poses with the belt - then drops it on Triple H's corpse. Stephanie makes hissing faces at Shane as he and Show leave. Here's a replay of the chairshots by Vince, the belt shot by Shane, and a look at the carnage in the ring. One more replay of Shane and Show holding the belt.

"WrestleMania: All Day Long" ad

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where Vince did that, Shane did that, Shane and Show struck a pose, and Shane gave Triple H a shot as well.

THAT SLUT CHYNA gets an entrance for no good reason other than somebody REALLY enjoys seeing her shoot off that bazooka. Tonight's show is brought to you by "WWF Aggression" (buy it at Best Buy!), "HydroThunder," and phonefree.com! "Don't treat me like a chicken / don't treat me like a ham / don't treat me like a ribeye..."

CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO (with That Slut Chyna...I guess) v. EDDIE GUERRERO (with Chris Benoit) - Saturday at 7:30PM, it's the MTV "Countdown to WrestleMania!" Is that like the RAGE party they had last year? Well, Joe C. will be there, anyway. At least NEXT year we'll get the Slammies! GOOD LORD Benoit's been doing something unnatural to his arms - oh sorry. "Now Jericho, before I spank you tonight, I would like to get some things straight with Chyna. Now Chyna, the fact of the matter is when I found out I was gonna have the opportunity to wrestle you in WrestleMania - I mean, physically wrestle you - I can't deny I got excited. I mean, I got REEEEEEEEALLLLLLLLLY excited. But see, judging by the twinkle in your eye every time you look at me, I know that you're OOZING with excitement, too. I know you want to shake your bon-bon with me, baby. So at WrestleMania, if you think I'm sexy...well mamacita, just let me know!" See, you don't miss Jericho's mic time at all with a performance like THAT in its place. Chyna almost vurps, ewww! Jericho's all over him to start, now trading blows, Eddie taking command with European uppercuts. Off the ropes, drop toehold by Jericho. Knife-edge chop, chop, off the ropes, Eddie with a knee to the much, dropkick style. Running at Jericho, who dumps him over his head and onto the turnbuckle. Off the ropes with a bulldog - 1, 2, kickout! Right, into the ropes, he was supposed to flip onto his feet off the back-to-back but just missed. Gutshot by Jericho - DOUBLE POWERBOMB! Benoit on the apron - dropkick by Jericho through the ropes for him. Guerrero takes advantage of the lapse in attention. Forearm, forearm, chop, into the opposite corner, Jericho tries to dump him, Guerrero tries a headstand on the top turnbuckle which doesn't work, so he tries a headscissors takeover, but Jericho halts THAT by slapping on the Walls of Jericho! Benoit's quickly in (DQ 1:33) and even though Jericho manages to get the better of him by managing the first blow, Guerrero gets to attack from behind to turn the tide. Now Chyna's in the ring. Guerrero gets to his knees and begs while Benoit works over Jericho. Guerrero manages to crawl between her legs and run out of the ring - Chyna giving chase. Benoit hits a HIGH belly-to-back suplex on Jericho...KURT ANGLE is out - getting Benoit from behind - OLYMPIC SLAM! OLYMPIC SLAM ON JERICHO! Hell YEAH you better play his music! Cole says the first fall is for the European title, and the second fall is for the Intercontinental title - did they change it? It's definitely the right order now!

Stephanie McMahon is WALKING!

"WWF Aggression" ad - buy it at Circuit City!

And now, Lugz presents the WWF Boot of the Week! From last week's SmackDown!, Stephanie smacks her mother down.

STEPHANIE ONO comes to the ring to "My Time," carrying a letter. Say, if we're REALLY lucky, she just might read it to US! "I have here a fan letter that I would like to share with all of you, as I'm sure it represents all of your feelings. 'Dear Stephanie. My name is Donna McCleary. I'm in 18-year old freshman at' - well, I can't tell you what university - 'I just had to write you and let you know that you are truly an inspiration to me and my girlfriends. You're young, smart, strong, beautiful, sexy and powerful. And you're married to Triple H - the hottest man on the planet!' I like this letter! 'I started watching the WWF right about the time you made your first appearance. I witnessed all the abuse your father and brother put you through, and I have to admit I didn't seem to understand why you just let it all go and forgave them so easily. But you definitely fooled me - and them! Like always, you were one step ahead of your family and everyone else. That's why I admire you so much. Some people may think that you're b(beep)chy, but they're obviously just jealous of a woman with so much power. I identify with you and I want to be just like you. Good luck to you and your husband at WrestleMania. I love seeing the two of you together and I have ultimate faith Triple H will remain the World Wrestling Federation champion. Your #1 fan, Donna." Holy CHRIST that was a waste of time. Seriously - what was the POINT of that? Well, here's BILLIONAIRE VINCE to provide a rebuttal. "Stephanie - you know something, Stephanie, I have a headache - for all the right reasons. But even if I didn't, just listening to you would give me headache enough. I don't know whether you stayed up all night last night writing that letter to yourself...or whether the youth of America is just going to hell in a handbasket, I don't know. All I can say..." Well, before he says it LINDA McMAHON appears at his side. "Vince, listen - listen to what is going on between you and our daughter. This constant bickering and confrontation has got to stop. I can not imagine - I can't imagine how much further this can go! Our wonderful, wonderful family is in the situation it is because of you and your actions - you and your actions. So I'm telling you tonight, I'm asking you, I'm demanding that you exercise your role as the patriarch of this family - and fix it!" "Well, I've been asked to do something - and I will. I've been asked to FIX the situation. And I will. I will fix the situation at WrestleMania - I *guarantee* all of you. And right now, I'm not gonna wait 'til Wrestlemania - I'm gonna start fixing the situation - right here tonight in San Antonio!" Crowd: "He said San Antonio!" "Yeah - I'm gonna fix the situation all right - I'm gonna fix the situation In That Very Ring! Because tonight, Stephanie McMahon, since you like to SLAP people around so much - since you like to get physical and all that so much, tonight you're gonna have your official very first wrestling match. Yeah! And you're gonna have it In That Very Ring against the WWF Women's Champion, Jackie!" "No Chance in Hell" plays one more time as Vince struts away and Stephanie tries to gulp for us. Hey, headlights!

GTV brings us another view from Val Venis' motel room - he and Terri are in bed. Venis says that "foreplay - ahhh, fair play - is my middle name."

Meanwhile, Crash Holly is running around yet again. Hardcore Holly enters the picture with a garbage can and referee "Blind" Teddy Long. 1, 2, Mosh comes in and breaks it up. Holly finds the door to the APA office, where the Acolytes and Kaientai are playing cards - oh yeah, remember when Bradshaw and Taka were all chums and stuff? Anyway, the throng of people all goes through the door (ha!) - now we all walk off again - and back through the curtain to the arena! Crash hits the ring and asks for the mic - he says things are getting out of control and he's calling off the 24/7 stip (finally!) He says at WrestleMania, we'll have a Hardcore Battle Royal - 15 minute time limit - whoever gets the final pinfall before the time limit is up is the new champion. Hardcore gets in the ring and takes the mic and accepts on behalf of the crowd surrounding the ring. "But there's one more thing - this issue between you and I - it's personal." And he flattens him with a right cross. Crash runs off. So will the title change hundreds of times in the fifteen minutes, or is it just the last pinfall? I'm sure they'll explain it to us later...

Here's an outdoor shot of San Antonio - that place looks pretty cool, whatever it is.

"What the hell am I gonna do? I can't wrestle!" Stephanie and her husband wring their hands...

SCOTTY TOO HOTTY (with Grand Master Sexay) v. DEAN MALENKO (with Perry Saturn) for the World Light Heavyweight Championship - Malenko tries to get first shot in, but Hotty ducks it and punches away - in the corner, Malenko ducks under the top rope and referee "Blind" Tim White asks Hotty to step off. Malenko in with an eyepoke, in the corner, into the opposite corner, Hotty sidesteps the charge, Malenko tries to duck under the rope again, but Sexay's on the outside and HE pastes him. Right hand by Hotty takes him down. Into the ropes, dropkick misses as Malenko holds on - rolling him up, but Hotty works with the momentum and lays in with rights. Hotty charges, Malenko with the drop toehold into the second rope. Right, right, kick, kick, elbow, elbow, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, standing on the neck for 4 - White forcing the break. Vertical suplex gets 2. Crowd doing the "American Males" clap. Whip into the ropes is reversed, Hotty catches the boot, duck, double clothesline and they're both down. Both men up simultaneously, Hotty with "I-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine," again, right, into the ropes, biiiig back body drop, right, right, into the corner is reversed, Hotty falls back into a belly-to-back but he flips through and lands on his feet. Gutshot, off the ropes with the bulldog, and now he's making his "I'm gonna do the Wurm!" face - and there it is. Karate chop gets 1, 2, Perry Saturn pulls him out - Sexay is over and now THEY'RE going at it. White over to break them up while, in the ring, Hotty manages an inside cradle. EDDIE GUERRERO emerges from the crowd and rolls it the other way - White turns around - 1, 2, 3. (3:05)

Trish Stratus (the fitness model) and T&A are WALKING!

Method Man presents the video for "Know Your Role." Do you smell what the Rock's cookin'?

GTV, one more time, takes us to Val Venis' motel room - Mae Young enters. "Val! Val! Val! I understand you're refereeing for my girl, the Kat. Sit down I wanna show you something...." Val says if he sees ANYTHING of hers, Kat is royally screwed. If he had to see one spider vein of hers, he'd have to be on Viagra for the rest of his life!

T&A (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) v. HARDY BOYZ - Sadly, Trish does NOT get mic time. Test and Jeff start - Test with the power moves when we're done looking at Trish. Into the ropes, Jeff manages to drop and slide, taking out Albert's feet on the apron. Kick, gutwrench into a powerbomb. Tag to Albert, Hardy put in the corner, Test whips Albert into a splash on Hardy, then Albert puts him into Test's boot. Albert picks him up, Hardy flips through and peppers him punches. Into the ropes, blind tag - tilt-a-whirl slam, Hardy landing on his face. Test covers - 2, Matt breaks it up. Into the ropes, Jeff slides through, Albert rushes over, Hardy ducks the clothesline attempt and hits a dropkick. Test goes outside while Hardy comes inside and leaps across to tag in Matt. Drop toehold into the bottom turnbuckle for Test, flying clothesline, now Albert is over and he gets a tornado DDT. Neckbreaker for Test. Albert over to take Matt outside the ring - Jeff leaps from the top rope to the apron over Albert, then charges him, trying a leapfrog but Albert catches him. Jeff punches away but no effect - TEN STOREY POWERBOMB! Matt with a dropkick for Albert, Test with a clubbin' blow for Matt, hey, who's legal? And does it matter? Test going for the powerbomb, but Matt rolls through (and falls - oops) - holding onto Test by the hair - Twist of Fate! 1, 2, 3. (2:17) Post-match Albert gives MATT an eight storey powerbomb and now, in the corner, Test stands on Albert's shoulders and delivers a Savage elbow. Play THEIR music! Stratus likes to push them things up, don't she? EDGE & CHRISTIAN put in an appearance after T&A walk off - Christian gives Matt Hardy a Tomokaze while Edge looks for furniture - and emerges with a ladder! The ladder is placed in the centre of the ring and Edge & Christian each climb a side - but before they can do anything, THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ come into the ring and tip over the ladder, sending them flying. Ladder lariat to Matt - and one for Jeff! Now the Dudleyz set up the ladder and strike your screen-capture pose of the night. Replay of the ladder fall by the blondes.

The Helmsleys are WALKING! Stephanie looks kinda pouty - I mean more than normal

WrestleMania promo - again, all they ever talk about is this main event here

UPN 44 is STILL giving away tickets to the "party of a lifetime" for NEXT week's SmackDown! - taping Tuesday in San Jose. I *believe* WrestleLine and the WWF might get their FAX machines in tune and get me in - in which case YOU get a SmackDown! report from me two days early.

You know, that kid's seen ENOUGH dead people tonight - I MEAN IT

WrestleMania is *3* days away!

Trish Stratus is talking! "The end result was good.........it's just two minutes too late.....but it's okay...we're going to WrestleMania...we're gonna get the....." but from nowhere, Al Snow & Steve Blackman pounce from behind with Head and kendo stick respectively. Blackman has something to say to Stratus: "You! ... DAMN!"

STEPHANIE ONO (with Triple H) v. JACQUELINE for the Women's Championship - THIS is your main event? Well how 'bout that. Stephanie is wearing an "SMH" T-shirt and bike shorts - I believe it was LL Cool J who said "Steffi got a big ol' butt / I know I told ya I'd be true / but Steffi got a big ol' butt / So I'm leaving - seeya!" Jackie is introduced as hailing "from the great state of Texas" - a ploy to suck up to the fans - as if having humongous breasts wasn't enough to get them to cheer. All these headlights are killing me! Stephanie leaves the ring when Jacqueline enters - suddenly "The Kings" fires up and out come ROAD DOGG, X-PAC & TORI - Stephanie perks RIGHT up (and I mean it gets cold in there, too!) Senior Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner demands McMahon get in the ring, but she's...trepidatious. Almost through the ropes - nope. THE CABOOSE IS LOOSE! Hebner's had enough of the debate - he asks that the bell be rung. Stephanie drops from the apron to the floor...this time, *Hebner* comes outside to impress upon her the importance of getting in the ring. Triple H pipes up and now THEY'RE arguing, so behind his back, Jacqueline exits the ring and the chase is on. Stephanie in the ring, Jacqueline in the ring, got her shoe - well, X-Pac trips her up and McMahon gets away. Jacqueline turns to X-Pac, allowing Tori to come up from behind - gutshot, DDT! Stephanie, befuddled, gets the direction to cover her - Hebner's back in - 1, 2, 3. Oof. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new women's champion. (:40) Stephanie gives us "surprise" and Dogg and Helmsley raise her on their shoulders. But the celebration is short-lived as THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE & RIKISHI PHATU come to get 'em some of X-Pac and the Road Dogg - Kane gets 'Pac while Rikishi works on Road Dogg - now THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ are out - now the HARDY BOYZ are out - EDGE & CHRISTIAN - the (ugh) R4DICALZ - CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - HARDCORE HOLLY - HEAD BANGERS - KURT ANGLE - TOO COOL - KAIENTAI - MEAN STREET POSSE - TAZZZZZZZZZZZ - BIG BOSSMAN & BULL BUCHANAN - ACOLYTES - THA GODFATHA & D'LO BROWN - STEVE BLACKMAN - SKIPPY & WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW - AL SNOW - Show starts to empty the ring, tossing men over the top rope - now LA ROCA is out and HE is tossing men through the ropes to the floor as well. Thinning out now...so where *is* Mideon, anyway? MICK FOLEY comes out brandishing his 2x4 wrapped in barbed wire - everybody scatters, and those that don't taste Rock Bottom. Rock and Foley in the ring - and now THEY'RE exchanging words. Show watches this from the outside with a smile on his face. "My Time" plays one more time as TREBLE H & STEPHANIE ONO re-emerge at the top of the ramp - both proudly raising their arms - and in each...a championship belt. Credits are up and we're out.

Hey, how many of you were waiting for the breaking of glass? Eh? Eh?? What, NONE of you? C'mon, get some longer memories already!!