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One TV-PG-DLV World Leader Attitude - WWF!

LAST MONDAY: Boy, this steel cage main event sure sucked - but hey, how about that ultra manly bladejob? It's SO bad that they "Goldberg" the picture (switch to black and white)! When Triple H says "I'm your worst nightmare," isn't he really saying "you and I will main event EVERY pay-per-view until the end of time?" Hey, why ELSE would Jim Ross say that "the war...has just begun?"

Opening credits - close captioned symbol

BOOM BOOM BOOM BIBIBIBIBIBIBOOM! It's WWF SmackDown! from the sold out Ice Palace in Tampa, FL 13.4.2K (but taped 11.4) and en espanol donde sea disponible! If it's SmackDown!, we must be starting with a match...

RIKISHI PHATU v. EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna) for the European championship - well, perhaps a LITTLE interview to open it up, as Eddie's got the mic, and a big pickle.......jar full of flowers. "You know, as TRUE European champion - from Europe, of course - it would be a DISGRACE to this prestigious belt if it were to fall in the hands of an Islander from Samoa - I mean, where the HELL is Samoa, anyway? Do you know? I mean, does ANYBODY know? Well don't you worry, mamacita - he may be--HAVE the biggest ASS in the world but I have the biggest supply of Latino Heat in the world." Tonight, X-Pac takes on Chris Jericho - will he FINALLY do a job to Jericho? The Vanilla Midgets reunite to take on the Hardys - and more! Big "Eddie sucks" chant. Eddie helpfully covers Chyna's ears. Phatu makes the "kiss my ass" motion but this is a TV-PG show so we don't see it. Eddie displays Chyna for Phatu - there's a twirl - and while Phatu is distracted, he gets in the cheap shot to start. Rights have no effect - Phatu back with a right that puts him down. Bounce back up, right to take him down. Right, into the ropes, Phatu pushes him up high and lets him drop. Cole's given us two "most (x) ever" in three minutes and he might want to think about cutting back on the caffeine. Eddie runs into a powerslam - 1, 2, no. Phatu ends up elbowing referee "Blind" Mike Chioda on his way back up (what is this, WCW? Oh sorry) - Guerrero put in the corner - avalanche splash - Banzai Drop coming up but Chyna has the vase ready to break over Phatu's head. Chioda coming to - 1, 2, KICKOUT! Stomp, stomp, stomp, right, right, right, right, right, right,left, kick, right, off the ropes with an elbow, Phatu STILL lands on his feet - but Chyna delivers a lariat that has him spinning! Phatu put back in the ring - Guerrero with his patented rolling headbutt from the apron - I've missed that one. 1, 2, Phatu kicks him out through the ropes to the floor! Chyna over to check on him...Guerrero makes his way back in the ring while the crowd chants "Ri Ki Shi" but not really pronouncing it like that. Dropkick to the knee, kick, kick, Phatu fires back with rights - into the ropes, big back body drop by Phatu! Samoan Drop! Phatu puts Guerrero in the corner - then warms up his rump...and there's a FAT ASS SPLASH! Guerrero slumps in the corner and we all know what's next - that's right, interference from Chyna! Phatu stops setting up his stinkface and faces Chyna, who begs off. Guerrero over with a dropkick, and he squashes Chyna as he falls in the corner. Phatu with a superkick for Guerrero, a large pelvic thrust, and a stinkface for Chyna! Chyna has the dry heaves while Guerrero is picked up and set up for the Rikishi Driver...but Chyna pops in with a Golota to save the title (DQ 5:08). Chyna expresses great dissatisfaction at having to taste the...yeah - but before we get to see Eddie lick her boots, we cut away to

In the McMahon-Helmsley dressing room, Shane, Stephanie and Hunter congratulate themselves, and decide to have MORE fun tonight. Why does their fun seem like my torture?

Meanwhile, the Rock arrives! And he's WALKING!

Back to the office, where they see Rock on the monitor - and now *they're* WALKING!

Sammy Sosa is looking RIGHT AT ME, MAAAAAN

The Blockbuster Movie of the Week next Friday is "Alien Fury," starring Chyna! Our commentators just wanted you to know!

"My Time" plays and TREBLE H, STEPHANIE ONO & SKIPPY are out. Vince isn't here tonight, we are told, so these three will have to do for the verbal machinations...Stephanie's wearing a boob tube, which not only gives us a view of her headlights, but her notoriously flabby upper arms. Also, she's wearing a pair of jeans that remind me of the "Jordache look" ads when I was in junior high - all she needs are some roller skates to complete the look, for crying out loud. Shane gives us a little Emeril action by kicking it up a notch with a lot of "WHAM WHAM WHAM!" - if Shane ever had a horrendous accident, I think you could probably get away with bringing in Will Ferrel to play that part. Shane talks about life blood of the People OOZING from the Rock's skull onto the mat. "Triple H, I gotta give you big huge props on this one. I am PROUD that you are the World Wrestling Federation champion - you know, the Rock tried to play the Game but it was obviously, for him - game over. And Triple H, one last thing, not only am I proud that you're the World Wrestling Federation champion, but I'm PROUD that you are...my brother-in-law." Well, that ties up THAT loose end in a big bow of NO LOGIC, doesn't it? Hey, brothers-in-law don't shake hands - they HUG! "Gosh - you know you guys - you get me so choked up - I mean, you're gonna make me cry - you know how emotional I am! I'm just like Dad!" Stephanie reveals that she's going to spoil the surprise - when Triple H faces the Rock for the WWF Championship, Vince McMahon himself will be in his corner. "Wow - Vince is personally gonna be in my corner? I'm flattered - really, I'm honoured that he would do that - but, I know how your dad is - all due respect, he's a little bit of a - just a little bit of a gloryhound. I mean, come on, we all are - I don't want Vince to go out there thinking he's gonna steal my thunder - now, this is between me and the Rock, I wanna do this myself - Vince can be in my corner and have a front row seat as I destroy the Rock's dreams once and for all. Rock, Monday night I gave you a little lesson about what it takes to be a real champion - like myself, to be the World Wrestling Federation champion - not just to talk about it, but to BE the best. Rock, it takes a lotta sweat - it takes a lotta tears - and Rock, Monday night I showed you firsthand In This Very Ring, it takes a whole lot of your blood. Now, Rock, you keep coming back - I'll keep teaching you that same lesson. Rock, if it takes me a million times, I will teach you that lesson, over and over, but Rock, it does not matter how much sweat comes from your body, how many tears you cry, it does not matter how much of the People's Blood pumps from your body, it will be all for nothing, because Rock, you will NEVER be the World Wrestling Federation champion because Rock, you will NEVER - BEAT - ME. Now, you know..." "If ya smelllll..." here comes LA ROCA to offer a witty retort or two. I hope he makes one of those big lists he's been doing lately. Oh, he's not done yet! "Hold on, Rock! I know you're out here in front of your home state, Rock - I know you're out here - I know you're out here to talk about your chance at becoming the World Wrestling Federation champ - I've thought long and hard about this, Rock - when and where you should get your shot." This goes on for a while...after teasing tonight, and deciding against it ('cause it should be someplace important), he decides on Washington, DC at Backlash. Rock's ALMOST ready to speak - first let's hear from the crowd. "Now the Rock says...that Triple H, Monday night you did it all to the Rock. Yes, you beat the Rock's ass. Yes, you left the Rock laying in a pool of his own blood. And yes, the Rock could hardly stand. But make no mistake about it Triple H, just as sure as you stand there surrounded by a silver spoon jackass, and by a bargain basement (beep), is as sure as Monday night, the Rock still walked out with his shot at your WWF...title. And the three of you candyass jabrones stand in the ring, run your mouth, gloat about how you have Vince McMahon in your corner. Well, the Rock says - bring it. The Rock says - bring on Vince McMahon. And seeing as we're gonna be in the nation's capital, the Rock says bring on the Congress - bring on the Senate - bring the Vice-President - bring the President himself - dig up George Washington's dead candyass and bring him too! Because the Rock says there ain't nobody - and the Rock means nobody, that's gonna stop the Rock from whipping your candyass!" "Rock, for a guy that unloaded half his blood Monday night, you seem full of yourself." Triple H speculates on Rock's condition - 70%? 60%? But it doesn't really matter what percent he's at - tonight, it'll be "you - and me. Now before you get your little panties in a bunch and your eyebrow starts going up and down, it's not for the World Wrestling Federation championship - it's not for MY World Wrestling Federation championship." H says it's a six man tonight - Rock and his newfound buddies the Acolytes against Triple H, Bull Buchanan and Big Boss Man - oh boy! WHAT A PAYOFF! Rock asks if this match is the grand master plan, the big scheme, the best he can come up with? "I tell you what, Rock--" "It doesn't matter if that's the best you can come up with! You see, Triple H, the Rock says it just doesn't matter, because come Backlash, the Rock guarandamntees, no, he promises, no, the Rock promises - the People...that the Rock (the most electrifying man in sports entertainment/the Great One) is gonna whip your candyass, walk out the WWF Champion - if ya smelllllllllllllllll...what the Rock...is cookin'." Cole gives us one more "this could be the most explosive SmackDown! ever" and I think this week has been BRUTAL.

One lucky WWF fan and a guest will attend the world premiere of "Gladiator!" Register at wwf.com!

Friday, 28 April, UPN presents "WWF's Greatest Hits Too" - hey, that doesn't conflict with ECW, does it? Interestingly, that's ALMOST the one year anniversay of the very first SmackDown! - well, it's interesting to ME, anyway

Here's an exterior shot of the Tampa skyline - and the weird lookin' sculpture in front of the Ice Palace

"Earlier Today," the unblinking eye of the WWF cameras caught Al Snow and Steve Blackman attending a rest home - Blackman thinks they're there to shake hands and sign autographs for the senior citizens, but Snow says "Not exactly" and this reminds me of a Hertz ad for some reason... Not exactly? "And now, Shady Palms retirement home is proud to present... the comedy stylings of Steve Blackman!" Blackman is surprised and dismayed - at least, that's what I THINK his face says - Snow says not to worry, he prepared some 3x5 cards for him...then he takes his place amongst the seniors. "Knock 'em dead! (Not literally)" Now I REALLY feel like I'm being tested...

HARDY BOYZ v. VANILLA MIDGETS - you think that the sight of Malenko and Benoit walking down the ramp, each man with a title belt over his shoulder, isn't some kind of karmic, giant "fuck you" to Nash? That'd make a nice vidcap to mail to all the columnists who swore these guys were really much better off in WCW, wouldn't it? Sorry, just thinking aloud again. Matt starts with Malenko. collar and elbow, knee from Malenko, whip into the ropes is reversed, hiptoss by hardy, drop toehold, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, Malenko sidesteps the charge and goes to work. Tag to Benoit - in the corner, do-si-do whip is sidestepped, Hardy tries a kick to Benoit, but he catches it, spins him around and sends him into a Malenko dropkick - which pushes him backward into a Benoit German suplex - holding on for two - holding on for three but Hardy is elbowing out. Hardy runs into Malenko, who was on the apron. Benoit dropkicks him from behind and HE goes out. While Malenko works him over, Benoit and Jeff Hardy mix it up with referee "Blind" Tim White, who finds himself distracted. Back in - Benoit on Hardy. Right. Into the corner, elbow up by Hardy - flying bulldog - tag to Jeff! Double whip into the rope, double elbow, fistdrop/senton combo - Malenko in to try to help, Jeff with a double leg takedown, Matt to the second turnbuckle, tandem legdrops! Jeff cleaning house on both men - Benoit reverses a whip, gutshot, powerbomb...well, Hardy is in position but punching away to attempt to evade it - they end up in the corner, where Malenko makes a blind tag and climbs to the top - it's almost a Doomsday Device! But White is busy keeping Matt from getting in the ring and he misses the chance to count. Malenko working him over with rights - stomp - backdrop suplex - tag to Benoit. A shot for Matt to keep White occupied, and Benoit hits a very nice snap suplex on Jeff. Legdrop to the back of the neck - Benoit almost mocking him here. Backbreaker - for 2. Jeff reaching, but Benoit pulls him away. Tag out. Malenko puts his head on the buckle, into the opposite corner, follow lariat, kick, kick, kick, elbow, elbow, tag. Double headbutt. Benoit with a short clothesline. Into the ropes, Benoit pastes him with an elbow - but only gets 2! Jeff tries a punch, but Benoit tags - Benoit with a drop toehold, and Malenko with an immediate baseball slide to the face. Elbow, tag. Open shot for Benoit with a kick. Big Show is in the house tonight! Benoit trying a suplex, but Hardy flips through - chop by Benoit, into the corner sternum first - punch to the back of the head - setting him up on top, facing the crowd. Cole: "Up there in the high rent district..." Lawler: "You can enjoy this trip, but the landing's kinda rough." Damn, even the commentary for this match is great! Benoit up for a - what, backdrop suplex? Holy shlamoley. Hardy actually turns it and ends up on top as they fall to the mat! Crowd is awfully quiet - must be confused by all this not-talking and stuff. Both men reach for a tag - Malenko tagged - MATT tagged! Right, right, into the ropes, back body drop, one for Benoit, double clothesline only half works as Malenko ducks - then hits a SWEET heel kick - only Jeff breaking up the count keeps this going. All four men working now - it's broken down. Matt gives Malenko an elbow, then gets to all fours as Benoit whips Jeff across the ring - assisted heel kick! Benoit clotheslines Matt, Jeff clothesline Benoit - whip into the ropes, Benoit takes Jeff outside - Malenko has Matt up - now down in a slam - Jeff's made his way over to the top turnbuckle as White tries to get Benoit back to his corner - SWANTON BOMB onto Malenko's back! Matt rolls over and puts an arm on Malenko as Jeff dropkicks Benoit out of the ring - White over to count - 1, 2, 3! (6:51) Hot damn.

Shane and Triple H meet with Kurt Angle. "You know Kurt, we were wrong about you in the past - you got screwed at WrestleMania." "Oh, it's true, it's true." H asks him how he'd feel about getting the chance to wear WWF gold once again - for instance, the tag team titles. They've even hand-picked him a partner - the Big Show. Angle is grateful for the opportunity. As he leaves, H and Shane exchange some chuckles - apparently, the Show is going to "entertain" us again tonight...stick around...

How come Sizzler is calling it "all-you-care-to-eat shrimp" now? Are they worried that if they call it "all-you-can-eat" we'll develop some sort of gastrointestinal thing because we'll be unable to stop from going too far or something?

And now, the WWF Smack of the Night, presented by milk! From RAW two weeks ago, the Acolytes helped Crash Holly win the Hardcore title once again.

SmackDown! is brought to you by RC Edge Maximum Power cola, Tony Hawk's Pro Skater, and WWF Aggression - buy it at NRM!

CRASH HOLLY (with Scale Holly) v. PERRY SATURN for the Hardcore championship - Saturn brings a garbage can full o' plundah but only brings in a crutch - so Crash slides out and puts the rest of the weaponry in the ring. Referee is "Blind" Jack Doan, but neither commentator was there for Heat, so... anyway, Saturn outside to get it started - right, right, right - fireman's carry - dropping him on the apron. Whip into the STEEL steps is reversed, though. Holly puts Saturn in the ring - snapmare, dropkick to the back of the head, cover, 2. Is this gonna take place in the ring, too? It was on Heat...right, into the ropes, reversed, ducked, Holly with a 'rana! Hey, he busted out the rana! 2 count. Holly sets up a sign, but Saturn slips the DDT attempt, arm wringer, into the ropes, Holly up - nope, down with a powerbomb on the sign. Saturn has the trashcan lid - but Holly hits a gutshot. Sunset flip attempt fails when Saturn conks him with the lid - 1, 2, arms hooked, reversal, 1, 2, Saturn reverses back, Holly whacks him with the lid, 1, 2, no! Holly off the ropes - Saturn catches him in a fireman's carry, then spins him ninety degrees into a faceplant. Stomp. Got the crutch - BROKEN it over his back. Legdrop. 1, 2, kickout! Saturn picking him up in the powerbomb position - no, running him abs first into the turnbuckle! Holly falls back in, avoiding the Tree of Woe - Saturn has a cookie sheet, but Holly slips it and the sheet bounces up, hitting Saturn. gutshot by Holly, right, right, right, duck, kick, tornado DDT! Cover - but only 2! Holly grabs the sheet...but Saturn superkicks the sheet RIGHT into his face - and covers. 1, 2, 3!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Hardcore champion. (3:10) All four of them hold a title now - wait, here's TAZZZZZZZ leading out referee "Blind" Jim Korderas and WHACKing him with the cookie sheet - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Hardcore champion! (title reign: :21) So now Crash has that cookie sheet and HE waffles Tazz. 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, I am starting to rethink my standing policy of always typing this sentence when a title changes hands. (title reign: :14) Holly is now a ... what, five-time champion? Tazz is a three time champion, but hasn't had the thing more than a few minutes. Saturn...well, I feel for the guy. Holly takes off with the title as Saturn and Tazz stare at each other - and then go AT IT. It takes no less than SIX refs to pull apart these guys.

Mankind is STILL eatin' ravioli?

So how come 7UP has such great commercials and Dr Pepper has such bland ones? They're the same company!

Yep! You're watching UPN!

Obligatory MTVI reference

Earlier Today: "What's the deal with airline food? I haven't experienced peanuts that bad...since Charles Schultz was still alive?" We scan the crowd - no reaction, save from Snow, who is in hysterics. Wait, a voice from the crowd! "You stink, black man!" Hey, that's kinda racist...

KURT ANGLE (with the TV-PG-DLV ratings box) and WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW v. EDGE (you rinky dink him) & CHRISTIAN for the tag team championship - "Finally, tonight, my quest to reacquire championship gold has come to an end, 'cause tonight I have the one partner guaranteed -he's guaranteed to bring home the tag team titles. The most dominant force in sports entertainment today...the Big Show!" Show comes out ...in a kilt, to Roddy Piper's theme, snacking on...a roll? And drinking a bottled water. He's got some big red eyebrows pasted on as well. Cole tells me he's really having fun out there - well, I'm glad *one* of us is. "What are you doing?" Show takes the mic and does the worst Scottish accent ever. Cole says he's the Fat Bastard from Austin Powers. Show calls out the "wee fairy sissy boys" to get this thing going. Cole: "You've got to admit, he's very entertaining...he's a lot of fun!" Shill harder, Cole. To his credits, he DOES manage to distract ring announcer Tony Chimel into a rare miscue. THEN, for an encore, Lawler breaks into the Chili's baby back ribs song. Edge tries to pound away, but Show tosses him. Christian tries to clip the legs, double dropkick, Show in the corner, Christian down for an all fours assisted splash from Edge - Christian tries the same move but gets caught - and dropped. Edge up top - but Show catches HIM in a choke - but before he can slam him, Christian is up and kicking. Show has BOTH men in a show - double headbutt. Christian whipped into a corner, Edge whipped into Christian - he's gonna raise his kilt! As he prances around, Angle makes a tag. Angle rushes, and finds himself on the wrong end of a double flapjack into snake eyes. Another double flapjack. Christian wailing on him with rights, tag to Edge, scoop - and a slam. Double headbutt, cover, 2. Show offering...some sort of Scottish encouragement, I suppose. Tag to Christian, open gutshot. Knife-edge chop, into the ropes, head down, kick, clothesline from Angle. Angle wants to make the tag, but Show is doin' da butt and has his back to him - Edge tagged in and there's a German suplex with a bridge - for 2. "Big Show is having fun!" Stomp, elbow, into the ropes, hiptoss attempt blocked - Angle with a ..what, Tiger suplex? Angle over - "what are you doin'?" Christian is over - Angle back elbows him - then slaps Show in the face. Oops. Snow "snaps" and tosses Angle through the ropes to the floor - and now he's punching and elbowing and punching and "son of a (beep)"ing and now referee "Blind" Jim Korderas has gotten to ten. (COR 3:03 acid) Back in the ring, Show powerbombs Angle. Now play his Aggression music!

Backstage, Jericho asks the backs of two women "excuse me ladies, have you seen the Godfather around here anywhere?" Stephanie turns around and gives an "excuse me?" and Jericho's all "ooooooooh" and Tori is like "did he think we were ho's?" and Stephanie was all "don't go THERE, girlfriend," and I'm all "cover those upper arms already! It's just NOT attractive on you!"

Chyna declares war on the United States! Well, that and "Alien Fury" or something.

And now, the Castrol GTX slam of the week! From RAW, Trish Stratus pointed her breasts at Buh-Buh Ray Dudley long enough to allow Albert to sneak up and powerbomb him through a table.

ALBERT (with Test & Trish Stratus - the fitness model) v. BUH-BUH RAY DAMN DUDLEY (with D-Von Damn Dudley) - Dudley rushes the ring and finds himelf on the wrong end of a beatdown. "How's that Dudley? How's that Dudley?" Dudley finally gets a boot up to stop that - second-rope shoulderblock for 2. Stratus on the apron. Whip is reversed - Dudley stops cold, seeing Stratus in front of him - geez, she's just BEGGING to get run into - Dudley tries to backhand her, but he ducks - bit boot from Albert as he turns back around - 1, 2, shoulder up. Albert back on him - whip into the corner, sidewalk slam, 1, 2, no! Scoop - and a slam. Albert to the second rope...a quick kissyface at Stratus - and the legdrop MISSES! Clothesline by Dudley, gutshot, DDT, 2. Into the ropes, reversed, head down, kick by Dudley, gutshot, Dudley up for a ...Thesz press? I dunno - Albert reverses and powerbombs him down for 2. Into the ropes, duck - Buh-Buh Cutter! That's gonna be it. 1, 2, 3. (2:31) Cole keeps calling it "a modified version of the Dudley Death Drop" 'cause he got in trouble when he reminded us of DDP by calling it that other name. Post-match, D-Von is pulled off the apron by Test and flattened. And now it's *Stratus* going under for the table - Test brings it into the ring and sets it up - meanwhile, D-Von's found a chair. Test has Buh-Buh Ray in position for a table powerboomb, but D-Von WHACKS him - and one for Albert's skull. Stratus is SHOCKED! (sorta) Buh-Buh Ray from the top rope - big splash on Albert - and through the table! Stratus is....well, still too busy jutting her breasts out to actually EMOTE...

Backstage, Jericho attempts an apology, but ends up digging a deeper hole. "I mean from behind, you guys are almost as attractive as the Godfather's ho's - I mean, you're a little bit wider in the hips, but other than that..." Stephanie wishes Jericho good luck against X-Pac...and Road Dogg. "No hard feelings! Good luck!" Jericho gives us "aw, MAN"

Hey, look! It's WADE BOGGS! And he's....shining up his elbow real nice?

Earlier Today: "So the prostitute says viagra? I hardly know you." Snow laughs and everyone else boos. Again with the "You suck, black man." Snow tells him to go to the "heckle card." "You think I suck. Well, your momma is so hairy, Bigfoot takes pictures of her!" "My mom died in '64, you heartless (beep)!" Blackman's had enough of this. "That does it, you old bag..." he whips out his nunchuku while the old lady says "bring it on, man, bring it on!"

NIPPLES & FAB MOOLAH v. ERNEST MILLER & MAE YOUNG - Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Terri gave Kat a makeover. Kat's wearing that painted on outfit with the thing and the crotch and the permanent wedgie and the yeah. Kat and Terri start - they roll around a bit and the head hits the mat several times - Kat ends up putting Terri in her corner for a choke from Young - Terri manages to escape, crawl between Kat's legs and tag in Moolah. Moolah with the finger in the face - Kat with a slap! Moolah grabs Kat, hairpull takeover, again, one more, I think one more, I lost count....Moolah working over Kat, and now Terri wants the tag. Terri standing over her, grinding away, then putting down her knees to pin her - 1, 2, Kat hooks her arms to reverse for 2. Terri back to the catfight bit. Kat manages to get to her feet, then pull up Terri - through the ropes and to the floor! The chase is on on the outside - Terri liberates a cup of water from the timekeeper's table and douses Kat. Oh no, she's melting! Anyway, Kat is thrown back in the ring - she crawls over to Young and makes the tag - Terri is quickly over to tag out. Moolah with a right, right, right, monkey flip (sorta), again (sorta - Young just kinda flops, but there you go) - Young turns the tide by holding onto the ropes and *Moolah* flops. Young picking her up, left, picking her up again, left, left, left, left - Terri in from behind with an axehandle - Young turns around and puts Terri in the corner - now Kat is in with a suggestion - back to back, they each do crotch chops - and here's a stereo broncobuster! Kat on Terri and Young on Moolah. Terri sent to the outside while Young hairpulls Moolah. Moolah staggers into a SPEAR from Kat - Young drops an elbow - 1, 2, 3. (4:16) Pretty much note for note from their San Jose dark match, in case you were interested.

So, you know why that kid gets all agitated about his kid brother watching him toke on the joint? *He thinks he's gonna get ratted out to his parents!*

And now, the WWF Boot of the week, brought to you by Lugz! (Where they at?) From RAW last Monday, Chyna screws Jericho - well, not LITERALLY

CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO v. D-GENERATION X (with Tori - and "The Kings") in a Handicap match - "Welcome to Tampa is Jericho! And it seems that I highly insulted Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley when I mistook her for one of the Godfather's ladies, and I was gonna come out here and apologise, but since I'm getting SCREWED in this handicap match anyways, I might as well get my money's worth. So it seems, Stephanie, the the Rock and all of these Jerichoholics were correct in calling you a bargain basement (beep), but on top of that, I think you are the filthiest, dirtiest, most disgusting, skankiest, brutal, bottom-feeding, trashbag ho that I have ever, EEEEEEEVER seen in my life! DAMN I feel better now!" Stephanie is watching from the dressing room - is that Caryn Mower next to her? This entrance is brought to you by WWF Aggression (who? what?) We are spared Dogg's horrendous poetry tonight, thank God. Dogg starts - before they lock up, X-Pac tries to sneak one in from the backside, but Jericho chops him down, Jericho on Dogg, into the ropes, shoulderblock, X-Pac with a spinning heel kick. Doubleteam with the stomps - "X Pac sux" chants as referee "Blind" Teddy Long puts him on the outside. Whip into the corner, boot up by Jericho - spinning heel kick of his own - X-Pac in, duck, gutshot, powerbomb - no, Dogg thwarts the attempt. We see Stephanie and the Unknown Blonde looking on. Broncobuster MISSES, but Dogg is on it - Jericho slides under off the whip, but here's the left, left, left, juke, jive, Jericho ducks, double leg, going for the Walls of Jericho, but X-Pac is over with a kick. Going for the X Factor - no, Jericho with a powerbomb - make that a DOUBLE - quebrada! 1, 2, Dogg over with an elbow but Jericho moves and he hits his own partner! Bulldog for the Road Dogg! Jericho up, springing off with the dropkick for X-Pac! The ring is cleared and now TORI is in - Jericho halts a slap and puts *her* in the Walls of Jericho! Tori taps, but I don't think that'll work to get him to release it... Dogg in with a kick from behind - X Factor from X-Pac - Dogg covers - 1, 2, 3. Woof. (2:24) You know, X-Pac OWES Jericho about THREE clean pins, by my estimation. The ladies applaud their monitor.

"WWF Greatest Hits Too" is Friday, 28 April!

Shane and Triple H verbally berate Earl Hebner - Shane is this close to firing him, but Triple H suggests probation instead. "Maybe he can make this up to is." H tells Hebner this is his last chance - if he screws up one more call, he's fired.

"Earlier Today," Snow tells Blackman that you can't go around using the weapons of the martial artist on the elderly. "She ANNOYED me." We hear a siren in the distance as they climb into their car...

STEPHANIE ONO is out one more time to give me the chance to one AGAIN say "BAD outfit choice - even if that IS the direction your character is supposed to be saying..." She's got the blonde with her - perhaps this will be our formal introduction. "Now I understand how hard it is for all of you to look at us WWF superstars, and our ...svelte bodies, our hard bodies - but I want you to know it's a lot tougher for all of us to look out at all of you. You're nothing but fat, lazy, cellulite-ridden people, and quite frankly, you make us sick. So now, as the WWF Women's champion, I not only represent all of the women out there, but I represent all of the men, and your FAT kids too. So, I'm going to do a public service - I would like to introduce to you, my personal trainer - and now yours - MMMMMMUFFY!" Before she can really get going with HER shtick, we cut to

Hey, it's the Rock! And he's WALKING! And the Acolytes are behind him! Rock turns and asks them whether or not they were bought off by the McMahons. "Are you man enough to tell the Rock?" "We're man enough to tell you not a damn thing." Faarooq is the man, so hit your knees and start praying!

Two things about THIS commercial: I love it when that guy grabs the "Runkles" potato chips. I just love saying "Runkles" over and over. Hahahahahaha. "Runkles." Second, why is Tony Gwynn demolishing that guy's boombox just because it's playing country music? Is that a BLACK thing so I can't possibly understand?

Damn, that kid sees A LOT of dead people

Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday where lotsa fun stuff happened after the bell. "You're in the game of your life, Rock, at the hands of the Game - Triple H!" Who WRITES these lines for Cole?

Castrol GTX brings you Backlash!

TREBLE H (with Skippy & Stephy) and BULL BUCHANAN & BIG BOSS MAN v. ACOLYTES and LA ROCA - So Big Boss Man and Bull Buchanan are in both main events this week...yep. Shane's already getting into it with referee "Blind" Earl Hebner. Do you think they coach Stephanie? "Yeah, just put your chin into your chest, then look up, cockeyed. TRUST US, IT REALLY WORKS for you." Sign in the crowd: "TRIPLE H IS INDEED THE GAY." Entrances take approximately a half hour. Rock tells the Acolytes to step off - he'll start. He faces Boss Man on the other side. Big chant from the crowd. Rock ducks a clothesline, right, right, right, KISS THAT RIGHT and Bossman goes outside. Buchanan tries to rush Rock but eats a clothesline. Now HE'S outside. Rock looks Triple H's way - but he won't come in. We cut between shots of Rock staring and H staring. Bossman hits a right when he isn't looking. Right, right, "you want him?," tag to H. Open shot, head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, I may have missed one in there - history will forgive me. Hebner pulls H off of him - after a brief moment of tension, Rock is over and he and H trade rights. Into the ropes, Rock ducks the clothesline, but not the high knee. Buchanan is tagge in. Right, body blow, body blow, body blow, into the ropes, clothesline ducked, right by Rock, right, right, whip is reversed, reversal, Rock with a DDT! Both men up slowly - Faarooq is tagged in! Clothesline! One for Bossman! Shot for Triple H! Bradshaw gets the quick tag - into the ropes, DOUBLE SPINEBUSTER! Bradshaw drops an elbow, another elbowdrop, cover... 1, Bossman breaks it up. Bradshaw delivers clubbing forearms to Bossman and to H on the apron - up to the top rope - shoulderblock! 1, 2, no! Another forearm - into the ropes is reversed, Buchanan puts up a big boot. Buchanan with his "will-he-won't-he" corner springboard lariat. Stomp. Uppercut. Right, right, headbutt, into the ropes, head down, clubbing blow by Bradshaw, kick, swinging neckbreaker, another one, tag to Faarooq. Shane grabs the ankle as he comes off the ropes, turning him around and giving Bossman the chance to come in from behind and score with an attack. Into the ropes, big boot by Bossman, Buchanan off he ropes with an axe kick. 1, 2, kickout! Buchanan scoops him up - and slams him down - elbowdrop, another elbowdrop, crowd starting to chant for Rocky as Bossman comes in - then tosses him out. Buchanan with an axehandle - now H and Buchanan whipping Faarooq into the STEEL steps as Hebner talks with Bossman in the ring. Faarooq put back in the ring to Bossman. Uppercut. Faarooq blocks, and unleashes rights of his own - three, to be exact. But Bossman puts up the boots as he comes off the ropes - another 2 count. Kneelift - tag to the Game. Open kick to the sternum. Right - one for Bradshaw as well. This brings in the Rock and Hebner has to keep him at bay, and while he does, Faarooq is put into the unfriendly corner for some sneaky heel tactics. Faarooq put in a neutral corner, kick, kick, kick, standing on the neck - Hebner puts on the count, then muscles H away. Shane is up on the apron and vociferously protesting - Hebner SHOVES him to the floor! H spins Hebner around and chips HIS beef - shoves are exchanged and Hebner gets righteous. H turns back to Faarooq, who has taken his breather and is ready to rumble. Gutshot, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, oops head down - facecrusher by Triple H. Gutshot - setting up for the Pedigree - Rock is in with a clothesline! Now both men are down...who will make the tag? I'm guessing both of them. Crowd chants again. H holds onto the ankle, but Faarooq leaps - and tags in the Rock! Right! Right! Right! In the corner, out of the corner is reversed, clothesline by the Rock! Got him up for Rock Bottom, but Buchanan comes in to break it up - now it's ALL broken down as all six men hit the ring. The Acolytes clear out the men in black - H staggers to his feet to find himself surrounded. Now ROAD DOGG & X-PAC are out, but the Acolytes turn and stave them off while Rock punches away on Triple H - KISS THAT RIGHT! Kick, kick, kick, H manages a short right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, spinebuster by the Rock! Shane hits the ring and tries a shot from behind, but it has no effect - Rock turns to him and Shane bolts. The chase is on outside the ring...Shane almost makes it to the barricade before he's caught. Looks like something's gonna happen at the commentary table...the top is removed the first time Shane hits it - monitor to the head - now they're on top - Rock Bottom through the table! Rock rolls back in the ring. Let's play his music! (No contest? Over 9) From the top of the stage, Triple H shows off his belt - our last shot is of the Rock looking his way...