It's UPN Thursday!

One World Leader TV-PG-DLV Attitude - WWF

Close captioned - Opening Credits - remind me to frame-by-frame these some day, like I keep doing for Thunder

IT'S PYRO! Eeeeeeeeeverybody brought a sign to Charlotte, NC and the Hive 27.4.2K (taped 25.4) en espanol donde sea disponible and lest you forget it, UPN helpfully reminds you with a graphic that this IS WWF SMACKDOWN! And if it's Thursday, we must be starting with a match...

EDDIE GUERRERO & THAT SLUT CHYNA v. BALD VENIS and ESSA RIOS (with Lita) - Let Us Take You Back to RAW with a "photo album" of all the would-be prom outfits for him and her. Let Us ALSO Take You Back to Chyna's fracas with Rios and Lita, and Venis' pin of Guerrero Monday. Guerrero, Venis and Rios brawl in the ring while Chyna tries to sneak out and get some of Lita - Rios stops her though. Settling down to one-on-one in the ring, it's Venis in control of Guerrero. Big drop. Two punches. Eddie kicks back - nice standing enzuigiri! Got Venis by the (ha) hair - walking to Chyna, but Venis turns it backdrop, spun into a sitout powerbomb for 2 - Chyna breaks it up. Venis off the ropes, Eddie ducks, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker (Cole: "slam") - tag to Chyna, but Venis cuts her down with a drop toehold. He tags in Rios, and HE falls to a drop toehold from Chyna! Elbow, elbow, into the ropes, back elbow, tag to Guerrero, Chyna with a scoop slam, then holding him down for the trademark rolling senton from the outside over the top rope. Double whip into the corner, running forearm by Guerrero, repeated back elbows, and Chyna with her gymnastic elbow. Guerrero with a big ol' backdrop driver - but it only gets 2! He dumped him right on his head. Inot the ropes, reversed, duck, flipout, flipout again, Rios with rights, knuckle lock, right, running over to the ropes, climbing up no hands, bounce, split-legged, into a huracanrana (!), tag out to Venis. Into the ropes, Rios down on his back with the feet up - Venis flapjacks him into the feet! Cover, 2. Wow, where's all this wrestling come from and where was it last night? Guerrero finally comes back - right, right, European forearm, but Venis spins through an attempt with a do-si-do and levels him with a clothesline. Into the ropes, but Guerrero comes back with a 'rana that actually is only a half-rana - the other leg ended up under his armpit but he muscled him over. Both men looking for the tag - now Lita is up on the apron, which should ensure that referee "Blind" Jack Doan is going to miss the tag to Chyna - sure enough, she takes both Venis and Rios down with clotheslines before Doan is over to try to force her back outside. Behind the zebra's back, Venis spinebusters Guerrero - and Rios is off the top rope with the moonsualt! Venis takes Chyna outside the ring while Doan counts - 1, 2, 3! (4:37) Venis and Chyna continue things outside the ring while Lita hits HER moonsault (well, almost) and they stomp all over him. Venis into the STEEL steps - Chyna in to rescue Eddie. Now TWO men have pinfalls on the European champ - Sunday, Rios will try to get one that counts.

Outside the arena, we take a gander at the DX Express - well it's a big bus. And now exiting it is the Road Dogg, Shane, Tori, Stephanie, and Triple H...and Vince McMahon. "The DX Express? Gimme a break!" Guess he prefers limos...

Meanwhile, the Rock - IS - WALKING!

And now, the WWF Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz - where them Lugz at? From RAW, Rock spinebustered Benoit - but the People's Elbow was halted by a kick to the pebbles by Vince, a Pedigree by Triple H, and a three count by special referee Shane McMahon. Ross: "I can't believe this CRAP!" That's how it goes - when you DECIDE & CONQUER!

Tomorrow, "the WWF's Greatest Hits 2!" ONLY ON WHATEVER NETWORK WE'RE WATCHING NOW

STONE COLD STRIKES: From January, 1999, Austin drives a Monster Truck Limo to run over some cars. Was that from Heat? I forget

LA ROCA comes down to the ring for Page Two. UPN reminds us what show we're watching - thanks, UPN. Michael King Cole has officially started taking whatever drugs Jim Ross is on, by the way. Before the Rock speaks, let's take some time out to acknowledge this chant. Think he'll talk? No, not yet. Get on with it, already! "Finally, the Rock..." that's it, I'm tired of transcribing.

I GET LETTERS: Drew writes: You know, I live in Raleigh and was watching RAW Monday just anticipating the Rock's nightly interview. Why? Cause I like the Rock? No way, so I could hear him Say "Finally the Rock has come back to Raleigh!" That mighty funny considering that the Rock HAS NEVER BEEN TO RALEIGH. This was the first WWF televised event from Raleigh and only event ever in Raleigh as far as I know(ther was a house show last Nov, but I think the main event was something like Kane v HHH and Rocky didn't show.

There ya go! THE ROCK IS A DAMN LIAR!!

"It's safe to say that the Rock has been through hell to get where he's at. And now, looking back, looking back at everything that Triple H and the McMahons have done to the Rock, with every Pedigree, with every chairshot, with every Pedigree, with every chairshot......the Rock still stands here today and the Rock is still going to Backlash!" Don't you DARE stop for another chant...ah hell. "But the Rock realises it's not over yet - he realises that they still have one more night to do what they can to the Rock, so the Rock says this: what type of matches are you candyasses going to put the Rock in tonight? Are you gonna put the Rock in one of those steel cage matches? Are you gonna put the Rock in one of those lumberjack matches? Aw, hell - you'll probably put the Rock in a 'Stephanie's dirty panties on a pole' match! So, having said that, the Rock says this: Vince, Shane, Stephanie, and Triple H, the Rock says bring your candyasses out here right now! And the Rock says bring out the cage, bring out the lumberjack, bring out the dirty panties - the bottom line is, the Rock says: just BRING IT!" After another opportunity for the crowd to work themselves into a frenzy, "My Time" plays and out comes DX (sans X-Pac) & BILLIONAIRE VINCE. But the mic belongs to Triple H: "You know, Rock, those are some pretty good ideas for some matches you had there - way to think on your feet." We pause for a different chant involving a part of the body. "You know, Rock, we TOO have been thinking that very thing for the last few days - we all have been putting our collective minds together, trying to come up with some kind of matches, some kind of way we could just come out here and beat the hell out of you again. And I mean, we've had some pretty good ideas. Shane is very creative! But I've really gotta give credit to you, my darling, 'cause...some of the things you came up with are absolutely brutal. But, to be quite honest, Rock, I personally - I've kicked your ass so many times, I'm starting to get a bit bored with it. I mean, Rock, it's the same thing - you bowup, I beat your ass, you bow up, I beat your ass. It's getting a bit redundant. So I'll tell you what...why don't we just wait until Sunday for me to kick your ass one last time at Backlash for the World Wrestling Federation championship? And I can - I can see you runnin' your mouth, Rock, you look a bit stressed out. You seem kinda tense tonight, I mean, I don't know, maybe you need to switch to decaf or somethin', maybe you're just a little stressed out - you need to take a cue from us - you need to relax, Rock. I'll tell you what. Why don't you just take the night off, Rock? Hell, I'm gonna take the night off, Shane's got the night off, Vince has got the night off. We're just gonna sit back and we're gonna relax...okay, yeah, I forgot, yeah, we're gonna sit back and we're gonna watch a master at work - we are gonna sit back and watch the D O double G as he destroys one half of the World Wrestling Federation tag team champions, Christian. And I know what everybody is thinking, that maybe Christian's brother Edge might get involved in this match. Edge, you need to learn to keep your nose out of other people's business, so tonight, if you get involved in that match, you won't have to worry about defending those tag team titles at Backlash, because you won't have them - you will be stripped of those titles like THAT." Rock wonders when they'll start talking about HIM again. "And we will strip you of those titles, because if there's one thing that we will not put up with, it's people interfering in other people's matches. Right, Vince?" "Thank you. Now, Rock. I know you're excited about Backlash. So am I. I know you're excited - or at least you think you are - SHUT UP I'M TALKIN'. I'm excited to be in Triple H's corner, and I know you're excited to have Stone Cold in your corner. But you should know this, Rock, you should know that my son Shane is very excited about Backlash, because you see we're not gonna have an Earl Hebner situation again - no, my son Shane will be the Special Guest Referee in your matchup with Triple H this Sunday at Backlash. And, you know, the reason you're all upset and you called us out here - that's gutsy, Rock, but you know, it simly tells me that you listened to what I said on Monday night, and you're wondering about Stone Cold - you're wondering whether or not you can trust Stone Cold Steve Austin - you're wondering whether or not Stone Cold is gonna strike you down at Backlash, aren't you - remember, D T A - don't trust ANYBODY, Rock." Rock thinks about talking, but then decides that maybe the crowd will chant if he pauses. "Speaking of 'Don't Trust Anybody' - what if the Rock told you that he spoke with Stone Cold, and Stone Cold didn't wanna wait 'til Backlash?" "What do you mean by that?" "What if the Rock told you that Stone Cold was gonna make a special appearance on the Rock's show (SmackDown!)?" Cole: "OH MY GOD!! I'M MINI ROSS!" Vince: "Then I'd call you a damn LIAR! [YEAH! A DAMN LIAR!! Oh, sorry] You know...Austin would never show up here tonight, because, quite frankly, Austin doesn't have the temerity - in other words, Austin doesn't have the *grapefruits* to show up here tonight." "Ohhhhh, for once in your pathetic life, why don't you just SHUT YOUR MOUTH, Vince. Because the Rock says just - just like he's guarandamnteed he's made the promise of the promise - to walk out of Backlash the WWF Champion, the Rock also guarndamntees that Austin is here tonight!" Vince gulps - twice - just for our benefit. Cole gives us another Styles impression. "If ya smelllllllllllllllllll...what the Rock..is cookin'." Cole screams some more. Does Austin blow ALL the commentators?

The Big Show eats Chef Boyardee Spaghetti and Jumbo Meatballs

"WWF's Greatest Hits 2" on opposite ECW tomorrow - bet Heyman's happy about that.

The UPN fan cam provides a bumper of an imitation Worm - not David Arquette's, surprisingly

Who's that, Jeffrey Osborne? That MTVI group is INSIDIOUS

Outside the Charlotte Colesium, the Rock gets into his limo - and drives off.

Meanwhile, a pair of foam fingers (middle) adorn the windshield wipers of the DX Express. DX & Vince have fun scoffing and Rock's gift for them - then wave goodbye to the Rock's limo.

DEAN MALENKO v. SCOTTY TOO HOTTY for the Light Heavyweight championship - Let Us Take You Back to Heat, and a pretty damn good triple threat title match - won by the champion. Post-match, Malenko strategically waffled Scotty with the title belt. Cole says that this match was originally scheduled for Backlash, but the rivalry is too hot! (Translation: it was bumped from RAW) - Scotty actually loses his gum while gettin' funky on the entryway - oops! Malenko takes advantage of Hotty's desire to stride across the ring to pose on the turnbuckle and BLINDSIDES him before he gets there. Stomp, stomp, stomp, kick, head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. ELEVEN punches in a row? Remember, friends, Malenko knows a THOUSAND holds. Double Feature of the blindside from another angle. Into the ropes, back elbow. Right, right, into the ropes, knee into the gut. It's all Malenko. Stompin' on the hand. Into the ropes, but THIS time Scotty anticipates the knee and grabs onto it, rolling through for a quick 2! Malenko knocks him down again. Malenko with words for referee "Blind" Mike Sparks. Stomp. Backdrop suplex. Malenko mounts him and punches away again - 3, 4 - out of the corner, following up with a clothesline. Malenko setting him on the top rope - right, he's on the second turnbuckle - Scotty holding the top rope to block the superplex attempt - two kidney punches, Malenko falls. Scotty on top - dropkick! Both men up after 2. Scotty with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, into the corner, boot up from Malenko - Scotty ducks the clothesline, but Malenko breaks the waistlock with a back elbow, another back elbow, setting him up for a vertical suplex, but Scotty falls forward into a small package for 2! Again, the punch is blocked, right, right, right, into the ropes, back body drop - Malenko stops it with a gutshot, into the corner, Scotty steps aside - off the ropes with the bulldog. Must be time for Scotty to make faces - yup, there's that Wurm. Hoo - hoo - hoo - hi...YA! Malenko puts Hotty through the ropes before he can capitalise on it, but he lands on his feet. Back on the apron and now trying to come back in with a Sunset flip off the gutshot, but Malenko falls to his knees and anchors himself on the second rope. Sparks somehow misses this and counts to 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new light heavyweight champion. (3:51) Scotty makes the "I'm gonna do the Wurm" face, but this time it's a "I'm really surprised I lost my belt" face instead. Here's a replay.

In the DX Express, some light banter takes place...until Triple H's pager goes off with "316" - again, Rock is suspected, and everything's blown off...but Vince is starting to get a funny feeling about things...

Here's another look at the UPN fan cam - lots of folks imitating the Rock - oh boy! MORE Rock! If you see a UPN bumper, that means another three minutes of ads, by the way

You are watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN! This is the exterior of the Charlotte Colesium!

And, in a bathroom, Crash and Scale Holly are moping - Hardcore comes in and asks what's ub with the hubbub, bub - Crash says he's really unhappy that he once again lost the Hardcore title. Hardcore tells him (and us) that on Sunday, he'll get his chance to regain the title. "Just because you lost the title, you can't get a girlfriend, and you still collect Beanie Babies, doesn't make you any less of a man!" "The Beanie Babies were a gift, cousin!" "Whatever."

T&A (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) v. HOLLYS (with Scale Holly) - Let Us Take You Back To Selected Highlights of Trish's Comments to Buh-Buh Ray Dudley - you know, she still isn't much of a talker...WHOA! LOOKIT THEM HOOTERS!!! Apparently, Sunday's Hardcore title match is now a six (the hard) way match, pitting current champ Matt Hardy against his brother, the Holly cousins, Tazz, and Perry Saturn. But TONIGHT, Matt and Jeff will collide - so perhaps it'll be a DIFFERENT champ coming into Sunday. Got it? Feel it! Hardcore and Test start. Lockup, Test powers him down. Kick to the gut by Holly, axehandle blows to the back of the neck, into the ropes, reversed, Test holds on, full nelson, Uncle Slam! Right hand, right, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, into the opposite corner, Holly gets the foot up, then runs his head into the top turnbuckle. Kick, kick, kick, kick. Into the opposite corner, Holly follows with a lariat - running clothesline - cover - 2. Over to tag in Crash, who hits an open fist from the top rope. In the corner - now HE kicks away - into the opposite corner is reversed, charge sidestepped and Test goes in sternum first. Nice tornado DDT by Crash - for 2. Stomp, stomp, off the ropes, but Test catches him and powerbombs him down - for 2. Backstage, the Dudleys watch the action on the Magic Window, which is currently locked in on the Trish-cam. When we come back to the ring, Albert has apparently been tagged in...he's working over Crash. Uppercut, out of the corner with the big beal, off the ropes, but the splash finds an empty pool. Hardcore gets the tag, duck, clothesline, clothesline, into the ropes, Best Dropkick in the Business, 1, 2, no! Vertical suplex - wow! Albert's not a light man, you know. Hardcore ready to go up top but Crash begs for the tag - that kind of eagerness will only lead to tears, but Hardcore tags in his cousin anyway. On the top rope - splash misses, natch. Hardcore is in to berate his cousin - Test is over with a big boot for Hardcore, and now all four men are getting a piece. Albert has a guerrilla press on Crash - into a Somekinda Driver, while Test goes to the top floor and hits his Savage elbow. 1, 2, 3! (3:20) Hardcore gives us frustration while Crash gives us sorrow. The Hollys walk off, but don't use the ramp - this is so T&A(&T) can pose on the ramp - baking up - ensuring that when the inevitable run-in occurs by THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ, everyone is surprised. WHACK! WHACK! Two chairs, two members of T&A left laying on the ramp. Buh-Buh Ray has Trish by the hair while D-Von says "I love it at Levitz!" Trish assumes the position on the shoulders of the burly white half of the Dudleyville Duo, but just before he puts the "super" in superbomb, she starts putting her lips all over Buh-Buh Ray's head. The crowd boos while D-Von says "aw, man, I set up this table and you're gonna get some nookie instead?" T&A, having finally come to, put D-Von down with an attack from behind, pull off Stratus (is Test copping a feel?), and take a mesmermised Buh-Buh Ray and put HIM through the table - Albert supplying a double choke, and gravity finishing the job. When exactly in this paragraph did I start auditioning for "SportsCenter?"

Backstage, Shane, Stephanie, Triple H and Tori attempt to calm Vince, who insists that he IS calm...still, it might be a good idea to do the search party thing for the rest of the show. Shane's will play Shaggy to Vince's Scooby, while Triple H plays Fred and walks off with the women. Vince, thinking he saw something move behind a curtain, makes some hand signals to Shane while he says loudly "we're fine, everything's cool..." then he pulls back the curtain, and Shane STRIKES!....a cardboard cutout of Austin. Oops. Vince gets bleeped on "son of a (bleep)" while Shane proclaims he's suddenly tired of all these games.

"WWF Aggression" is still selling well enough for somebody to think that another ad wouldn't hurt - buy it at BEST BUY!

Oh, wow! The UPN fan cam! That's a pretty WEAK Mick Foley impersonation, yo

And here's an ad for "The Gladiator" - why? I guess so the WWF can go "hey, look, WE put OUR promotion behind movies that MAKE MONEY"

Backstage, Stephanie has been separated from Tori and Triple H - and to make things worse, she's lost her glasses and can't see! Jinkies! (This is WWF Smackdown on UPN) She's suddenly surprised by STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!! Oh, no, wait, it's Kurt Angle. Angle does a lot of talking about "Gladiator" and Steven Spielberg - he's gonna miss next week's RAW, if that's all right. Stephanie says it's okay, then asks him if he's seen Austin. He says he's never met the guy, but he hasn't seen him. I think Angle asked for another favour tonight similar to Monday, but they started talking at the same time and I missed it. I'm sure we'll find out later.

CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) and TAZZZZZZZZZZZ v. CHRIS BENOIT & PERRY SATURN - Hey, SmackDown! is brought to you by phonefree.com, "Star Wars Episode 1: Jedi Power Battles" for the PlayStation by LucasArts, and Bally Total Fitness! (LucasArts is not to be confused with wwf.com's Lucas, by the way - shout out to all my close personal friends at wwf.com) - It's a knock down drag out brawl! It's - oh, wait, it's Jericho and Saturn left in the ring, okay. Pick it up with Saturn in charge, knee, into the ropes, Jericho slides under, gutshot, double leg, Walls of Jericho attempt, Benoit in to help but Tazz cuts him off. Saturn actually tapes, but referee "Blind" Jack Doan is concerned with putting Tazz back on the apron. Benoit in from behind with the intercontinental belt - WHACK! Right cross for Tazz for good measure - Benoit kicks the belt out of the ring on his way back to his corner, heh heh. Saturn covers - 1, 2, Tazz breaks it up. Saturn pounding on Jericho, into the ropes, duck, flying jalapeno by Jericho. Crawling to his corner - and Tazz gets the tag. Right, right, into the ropes, got him in the head and arm, but Saturn knees him and prevents the suplex - right hand, Tazz switches the arm wringer and goes under - Northern Lights Tazzplex! Benoit comes in and sweeps the leg to chop down the bridge, breaking the pin attempt. Saturn with an exploder, and a tag for Benoit. Into the ropes, back elbow, cover, 2. Snap suplex - Benoit has the best snap suplexes. Another near fall for Benoit. Tag to Saturn - backbreaker across the knee - Saturn off the ropes with a DEVASTATING knee - I think those two just one-upped all the Veg-o-matic variants with that doubleteam. Somehow, Tazz kicks out at 2. Benoit tagged in, into the corner, do-si-do whip of Saturn, Crippler crossface! Will Tazz give up? Probably not. Jericho dropkicks Benoit in the back of the head. Benoit puts Tazz in the corner, waistlock, Tazz with back elbows to break it, clothesline, tag to Jericho! Right, right, right, chop, chop, into the ropes, duck, big back elbow by Jericho, shot for Saturn as well, bulldog for Benoit, Saturn manages to break the count just in the nick of time - Tazz in, and he hooks up Saturn, but before he can get the Tazzmission locked in, Saturn walks both of them over to the ropes - and through to the floor! Trading punches in the ring, Benoit and Jericho reversing whips into the ropes - Benoit colliding with Saturn, taking him to the floor and onto the commentary table! In the ring, Jericho hits the Lionsault! 1, 2, 3! (4:17) For the first time - wow, and now the second time, somebody (Cole) actually calls Jericho's quebrada the Lionsault. Maybe it WASN'T an accident?

Backstage, Shane motions to Triple H - he's found some empty Natural Light cans near a door - he goes in - and falls into a large pile of empty beer cans. Shane says "dammit" a lot. Say...two hours of folks walking around looking for somebody - my God, they're ripping off Vince Russo! Stay tuned for more wa-ha-hacky hijinks!

U! P! N!

ROAD DOGG v. CHRISTIAN - Hey UPN, what show IS this, anyway? Oh thanks. We are told that Dogg has asked Tori to stay in the back so that Christian doesn't abuse her like he did Monday. Christian comes out to Edge's music, for some reason, and Dogg meets him out on the floor and the punches start flying. Dogg trying a suplex, but it's blocked - and Christian crotches him on the barricade! Christian awaits in the ring...Dogg to the apron, Christian dropkicking his feet out and Dogg falls back to the floor, conking his jaw on the mat. Christian springs off the second rope with a plancha to the floor! Rolled back in - 2 for Christian. Dogg pokes the eyes as the Double Feature shows Christian flail away during his three storey crossbody. Head to the buckle by Dogg, right, right, Christian switches, right, right, kick, into the opposite corner, Dogg gets the feet up so Christian slides under to the floor, pulls the feet out from under him - top rope - Road Dogg with a clothesline! Cover - 2. Dogg puts Christian on the top turnbuckle - suplex attempt - Christian kidney punches until the headlock is broken - takes three. Inverted tornado DDT! Is "guarandamntee" Cole's favourite word or what? Lawler: "You know? Shut up! Just shut up about Stone Cold Steve Austin! We got a match..." Me: "G'wan!" Christian with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, gutshot by Dogg, into the ropes, but Christian springs off with a shoulderblock. Right knocks him down, back up for another right, face-first slam for 2. Dogg put in the corner, boot up on the charge. Dogg goes behind, pumphandle slam, that'll do ya. 1, 2, 3. (2:54) Dogg wraps Christian around the post (wow!), then lays out referee "Blind" Chad Patton with one punch. Boot for Christian, outside, right, right, right, right, head bashed into the mat, right, now bringing him out and whiping him into the STEEL steps. The referee corps comes out but Dogg STILL manages to get back onto him and punch some more. And now Patton's back up and talking to ring announcer LILIAN GARCIA - turns out he's reversing his decision and awarding the match to Christian. (2:54) Well, that's a bit of a bummer for the Dogg. They play Edge's music one more time - hmm. We should probably forget most of this segment ever happened.

Backstage, the McMahons and Triple H regroup - Tori comes over and whispers that she's found him, then leads the gang over to a door, where Austin's "Aggression" theme emanates from behind. Again, the hand signals are exchanged - on three, Vince opens the door and Triple H and Shane strike...a JVC Kaboom!box, playing the WWF Aggression CD. H spikes it a few times - that thing's pretty indestructible, no? And it has DURACELLS in it!

You know, that "ACTUAL AUDIENCE REACTION" looks more like "surprise" than "fear" - but then, maybe I'm not much of a movie reaction gague-er....er...whatever

The UPN fan cam gives us an ersatz Triple H. Eh, maybe that guy could qualify as a Double H...

In the local spot, UPN 44 takes one more time to hype the local autograph session at Six Flags Marine World by Crash Holly - tomorrow between 2 and 4! All thanks to your good friends at Six Flags Marine World, and UPN 44 (Digital 45!)

UPN May is coming up! Don't let the fact that it's a SWEEPS month distract you, neither

The WWF Divas (well, some of them) get bikini'd for RAW Magazine! Go buy it!

KURT ANGLE and BIG BOSS MAN & BULL BUCHANAN v. RIKISHI PHATU and WELL IT'S THE BIG FUNKY in a handicap match - "Let me clear up one misunderstanding. Many feel that I hate the Big Show. I don't hate anybody. I feel sorry for the Big Show. You talk about a talented man - seven foot tall, five hundred pounds, and he lets all that talent go to waste. Let me put it in terms even all of you can understand. It's like the Charlotte Hornets! They're a very, very talented bunch. It's true, they are. But they're not going anywhere - they're not going to accomplish anything - I know! I'm just as upset about it as all of you are! Which is why at Backlash, I'm not only going to beat the Big Show, I'm going to beat some sense into the Big Show - it's true, it's true." Ahhh, so THAT'S it - Angle DID ask Stephanie for a repeat favour and this handicap match is the result. Okay, I'll admit it - that Rikishi face on that T-shirt is pretty cool. I have spared you an AWFUL lot of Cole speculating on Austin being around tonight - and I do mean "awful." The Boys in Black shove Angle into Show to start - that doesn't work. Well it's a big headbutt. Boss Man and Buchanan take this chance to strike while Show is busy dealing with Angle. Phatu is shoved to the floor to keep him from getting in. Now Buchanan is out, dealing with him while Boss Man works over Show. Phatu eats a set of STEEL steps, and now Buchanan is back in - and with Angle recovered, it's now a tripleteam on the Show. Double whip, big boot by Boss Man, axe kick by Buchanan, Angle mounts him and throws some rights. Another double whip, duck, double clothesline by the Show. Big boot for Angle as he tries to charge him. Big boot for Boss Man off the ropes - Phatu is back up and getting a measure of revenge by using the STEEL steps back on Buchanan! Buchanan put in the ring by Phatu - well it's a big superkick. Buchanan falls into the corner - I have a feel it's time for the stinkface. Buchanan staggers around - into ahhhhhhhhhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAAM. 1, 2, 3. (1:54) Show's "Aggression" theme plays again - hey, they can't dance to THAT! Wait - Phatu's got two pairs of shades and he's handing one to Show - the music stops - NOW IS THE TIME ON - oh, wait, Boss Man is in with the nightstick. THAT was cool. Angle punches away on Show while the Boys in Black put the boots and stick to Phatu. The ACOLYTES make a dash to the ring and chase off Boss Man and Buchanan (Angle having hightailed it immediately). Let's play their music a second time! But wait...we can't get out of this segment until Phatu drags Show back into the ring, puts the shades on...*NOW* IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE.

In the Men's Room, Triple H and Shane jump a suspicious looking character standing at the urinal - oh, wait - that's not Stone Cold Steve Austin! "Who are you?" "I - I work here!" "Well, you're fired! Get outta here!" Wow, I guess the McMahons OWN this arena!

"WWF's Greatest Hits 2" is on TOMORROW!

"WWF's Greatest Hits 2" is on TOMORROW!

Starting to get the feeling that this thing is being overpromoted? *I* sure am!

U! P! N!

Time now for the Castrol GTX Slam of the Week! From RAW, Matt Hardy sneaks in a hardcore championship pin by DRIVING HARD.

Backstage, UPN tells us what show we're watching, while Al Snow approaches Steve Blackman, waving the white flag - well, a Kleenex. "You were right - I was wrong - let's do it your way, let's get back together again." "Forget it, you come to the ring dressed up like a pimp, you got somebody coming to the ring in a bunny outfit, I can't stand it anymore! You're a lunatic!" "Fine, I agree! Great! But I can be serious - I can be just as serious as you - and I think we can be a serious threat together, so let's do it!" "How can you expect me or anyone else to take you seriously when you walk around talking to a damn Head - you're pathetic! It's over!" Blackman walks off - leaving Snow in quiet reflection.

JEFF HARDY v. MATT HARDY for the Hardcore championship - challenger enters first because these guys respect TRADITION! Matt wears the belt and brings a garbage can fulla plundah. Matt offers Jeff his choice of weapons - the trashcan lid or the cookie sheet? Jeff takes the proffered cookie sheet - and drops it. He wants to go scientific. WHACK! WHACK! Well, that's why Jeff IS THE STUPID BROTHER. Cover - 2. Trashcan lid - WHACK! Cookie sheet set up between the turnbuckles - Jeff reverses the whip and ALL OF MATT'S TEETH FALL OUT. Oh, I guess that's just the sparkly bits on his belt. Hey, who wears a BELT to the ring? Answer: a guy with loose pants. Jeff with the trashcan lid - WHACK! Cover, near fall. Double Feature of the whip reversal as Jeff brainbusters Matt, grabs a broom, and scales the corner. Jeff makes like witch - then lands with both legs AND the broom right on top of Matt. Kickout at 2. Here's PERRY SATURN come out to provide our commentators an opportunity to shill the six-way Hardcore match Sunday. Jeff outside to find a fire extinguisher - hey, this is a no smoking match! Back in and Matt is back on him with the trashcan lid before he can use it. Right hand, whip into the opposite corner - Jeff flips - Matt adjusts the garbage can and lets Jeff's head sit in it. Then he dropkicks the can. Setting him on the mat - top rope moonsault onto the garbage can! HARDCORE HOLLY is also out to get a good seat. 1, 2, shoulder up! Double Feature highlights what we just done seen. Matt takes Jeff with a right, right, off the ropes, and Jeff puts him outside. Both guys go under to find something to use - and both manage to find ladders. I don't like the looks of this at all, Doctor. Jeff thinks quick, dumps his own ladder and dropkick's MATT's ladder right into Matt! Now the ladder is set up as TAZZZZZZZZZZZ walks down to get a looksee. Jeff setting up Matt with a scoop and a drop. Climbing to the top, leapfrog OVER the ladder and landing with a guillotine onto Matt! Cole: "OH MY GOD!" Cover - 1, 2, NO! Stomp by Jeff. Double Feature of the ladder leapfrog. Jeff climbing the ladder again, but Matt's back up and scaling the other side - Jeff manages to shove Matt back to the mat - giving the "gun to my head" sign - but before he can land on his head, Matt gives him some free CO2 from the fire extinguisher! Saturn on the apron, Tazz pulling him down - Matt throwing the garbage can at Jeff, who falls off the ladder and onto the two men on the floor! Saturn and Tazz recover first - now THEY'RE brawling on the floor - Matt on the top turnbuckle - I think that was supposed to be a clothesline, but that didn't really hit ANYBODY on the way down. Now Holly's in it as well. Both Hardys back in the ring - referee "Blind" Jim Korderas trying to find the slowest way to put on a count possible, so that CRASH HOLLY can make *his* way into the ring and break up THAT pin. Garbage can shot for Matt - Crash covers Matt - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Hardcore champion. (4:32) Crash takes the belt and sprints off - there's all sorts of carnage in the ring, and (presumably) the other three are STILL brawling outside the ring...

Backstage, Vince tells DX he doesn't want anybody getting spooked. The lively discussion is interrupted by a delivery guy. "Special delivery for Mr. Vince McMahon..." Vince tells the girls to stay behind while he, Triple H and Shane walk outside. But there's no Austin there; instead, there's a cement truck. "I got four yards of the best cement for you, Mr. McMahon. Yeah, it's supposed to poured in a Corvette!" McMahon chews out the guy - who looks suspiciously like the EMT who delivered Mae Young's hand, only with a different outfit and a goofy accent, and may have written these bits as well (keep it under your hat) - then suggests that this was bait for Austin to get back in the building - they rush back to the inside...

WWF Backlash is SUNDAY! And will probably feature no non-wrestlers winning major titles

"WWF's Greatest Hits 2" is TOMORROW! HAVE YOU COMMITTED THAT TO MEMORY YET?!?

U! P! N!

Backstage, we see LARRY KING talking on his cel phone about Sunday...Triple H and Vince ask him if he's talking to Austin, but he says he's just talking to his cousin. "You guys are a little paranoid, aren't ya?" "There's a reason for that."

THA GODFATHA (already in the ring) v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - Lawler hypes that special that's been hyped about a million times already. Hosts are himself and the Kat. Blackman strikes from beind and it's on. Right, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, threatening motions for referee "Blind" Tim White, who wants the clean break. Into the ropes, reversed, duck, Godfather slips a roundhouse and knocks him down. Stomp, stomp, stomp, scoop - and a slam. Godfather hitches up his pants, then comes off the rope with the "I run in a circle" legdrop. Running clothesline is stopped with a big kick to the gut. Into the corner, nice dropkick to the back of his head. Stomp, stomp, into the ropes, head down, Godfather with a kick to the head, into the ropes, another big boot, a clothesline, scoop - and a slam. In the corner, and it might be time once again for everybody to come aboard...but AL SNOW is in the ring, dressed up EXACTLY like Blackman, complete with nunchuku, which he whacks over the head of Godfather. White calls for the bell (DQ 1:35) but Blackman goes ahead and gives a Lethal Kick to Godfather anyway. Ice T plays again...

DX and Vince are back in their office...but what's that rattling sound in Vince's bag? Shane is convinced that it's another recorder, but after removing the bag, everybody acts surprised and runs off. What was it? A strategic camera cut shows - it's a snake! THAT'S GOTTA BE LUCIFER! NO WAIT - DAMIAN! Anyway, *I* didn't see a rattle on it, but it HAS been about 22 years since I left Big Spring, Tejas....I'm more inclined to think it was just some cheesy sound effects, yo. Still, if it WASN'T a rattler...why'd they take the shot without the McMahon folk and the snake in the same shot? Some mysteries will never be solved

Meanwhile, a limo pulls up - hey, that's the Rock's limo - and now the Rock - IS - ONCE AGAIN - WALKING!!

Hey, how about another look at that UPN Fan Cam - this time, we get a...hey, I already SAW this damn Worm impersonation!! What, you ran out of bumpers IN THE FIRST WEEK?!? NO *WONDER* NOBODY THINKS YOU'RE A **REAL** NETWORK!

The Smack of the Night is brought to you by MILK! GULP IT DOWN! "The Rock guarandamntees that Austin is here tonight!" Strangely enough, Vince DOES gulp it down at this point. "Then I call you a damn LIAR! .... Austin doesn't have the *grapefruits*!" "For once in your pathetic life, why don't you just shut your mouth, Vince!"

This is WWF Smackdown on UPN, and our main event is another promo. Here comes D-GENERATION X & BILLIONAIRE VINCE to "My Time" - while we have a moment, let me tell you that WWF Backlash comes to you Sunday from our nation's capital through the kind sponsorship of Castrol Motor Oily - drive hard! Shane: "Let me get right down to this - I'm sick and tired of all these games, and let me tell you one thing. Austin, if this is you, I'm tired of this Austin 3:16. So McMahon says if you ARE here, why don't you come down to this ring and we'll all welcome you back to the World Wrestling Federation right now? Come on!" Vince: "All right, Austin, if you're here - I promise you - I'll ask every one of my family members to leave the ring. It'll just be you and me, Stone Cold! Come on, Austin - if you're here, come on out! Where're your guts, Austin? Come on! Come on, bring it Austin, come on! ... He's not coming." H: "Dammit, gimme this. Austin...all right, you've been back one damn day, supposedly, and I'm already sick to death of you, so Austin, man to man, I am talking to you - Stone Cold Steve Austin - this is the Game - this is Triple H - I am the World Wrestling Federation champion, and I am telling you to get your ass out here NOW!" We all look around - nothin'. H starts to crack a smile. "You know what, Vince? Know what? He's either not here...he's either not in this building - or Steve Austin is a chicken(beep)!" Cole goes into Ross-overdrive mode. "That's what I thought - I'll tell you what, though - yeah, after all that, he's not gonna spoil this little party, 'cause I know somebody that is here...ROCK...I know you're back in the building, Rock, and I'll tell you what. I know I told ya to take the night off, I know I told ya I was tired of ya, but I changed my damn mind. Rock, like you said, it's not gonna matter if it's one on one - hell, it's not gonna matter if it's four on one - it's not gonna matter, right? So I'll tell you what, why don't you walk your ass down this ramp right now and face me like a man, Rock! Come on, Rock! Let's do it now! Go ahead, chant for your People's Champ!" They comply - thank you, Pavlov. "No - I guess just like Austin, the People's Champ is nothing but a chicken(beep)!" "If ya smellllllllll...." Well, LA ROCA *is* back out. Hey, is that a metal cast on H's ring finger? What's up with that? "Come on, Rock, we don't have to wait until Sunday!" But Rock puts up a hand for Triple H to talk to. But first, one more chant - why not. "The Rock *promised* that Stone Cold was gonna be here tonight. And the Rock is a man and a half livin' up to his word, and always keeps his promises. Now all night long, the Rock has thoroughly enjoyed watchin' all your candyasses get confused, get paranoid - the beer, the rattlesnake - the only regret is that the rattlesnake didn't bite one o' you in your candyasses - Shane McMahon beatin' up the cardboard cutout of Stone Cold, real tough. Triple H beating up a Stone Cold lookalike in the bathroom. Well who do you think the Rock is? The Rock doesn't DRESS like Stone Cold, the Rock doesn't TALK like Stone Cold, the Rock doesn't even LOOK like Stone Cold...BUT - HE looks like Stone Cold!" We look on the OvalTron - yep, there's STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN...somewhere...clad in camoflauge and baggy jacket....he turns to the camera. "Hell, I understand you jackasses have been lookin' for me. Hell I'm at the parking lot. I been in and out all night long. There seems to be some concern over whose side Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna be on this Sunday at Backlash. Will Stone Cold Steve Austin be lookin' to favour Triple H...or will Stone Cold Steve Austin be on the side of the Rock? That's an easy one for Stone Cold to answer, because the answer to that is, I'm gonna be on the side I've always been on, and that's mine! But what I've got right now is a little demonstration for ya, to any one of ya little grubby bastards that think's your gonna get your hands on Stone Cold Steve Austin! You see, there's a lot of people out there that are good at construction - a lot of people are good at building things with their hands. Hell, it seems the only thing I've ever been good at is tearing (beep) up - basically, I guess what I'm saying is, I'm good at deconstruction. So what we've got here is my own little toy, and Stone Cold Steve Austin's got just a little example of what might happen if anybody gets their little grubby meathooks on me." Austin climbs into a big yellow construction vehicle with "AUSTIN DECONSTRUCTION" stenciled on the side, starts the motor. "Oh, that's what I like to hear..." Looks like a crane with a freeway barricade hanging from it - Austin drops the barricade on top of the DX Express, triggering a giant explosion. Can something be spectacular AND cheesy at the same time? "...anybody that tries to mess with Stone Cold Steve Austin this Sunday at Backlash, and that's the bottom line...'caus Stone Cold said so."

We get a wide shot slo-mo replay of the bus blowing up - it looks dented before it hits - did they need two takes? I know, it's in the spoilers, right? I'll go read them in a minute. Cole: "OH HELL YEAH! STONE COLD IS BACK! AUSTIN 3:16 SAYS I JUST WRECKED YOUR BUS!"

Spectacular look at the bus on fire, with lots smoke billowing out the front windshield.

Credits and we're out.

After the show, Austin was arrested, right? Oh sorry

In case you're wondering why they gave away Austin on the free TV show right before the big pay-per-view instead of the big pay-per-view, jdw made the observation that May sweeps actually started TONIGHT. The WWF *is* all about timing after all...go figure!

Back Monday!