UPN! Smell it!

One World Leader Attitude - WWF! This might be network TV but they still have that wacky nonstandard TV-PG-DLV ratings box

Opening Credits - close captioned - you know the drill

PYRO! FOLKS WITH SIGNS! IT'S ALL FORMULA, BABY! We are on tape from the New Haven En Espanol Donde Sea Disponible Colesium in New Haven, CT 11.5.2K (taped 9.5) and if it's Thursday, it MUST be WWF SmackDown! - only on that network that they're on!

THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. ? - GERALD BRISCO comes out to "Real American" - hey, is he a face or a heel? I forget. Brisco on the stick! "I'd like to direct your attention to the OvalTron and show YOU and everyone a-else what I did, singlehandedly, to Buh-Buh Ray Dudley." Let Us Take You Back to Monday where Brisco splashed the man in question through a table. "Now you ask why I would do something like that. I'll tell you why. I am a great rassling champion, and not only that, I am a GREAT fighter for women's rights, and I will carry the torch for all the women in the World Wrestling Federation. But Dudleyz, let me do this first. Let me introduce you to your opponents tonight...after making a very long convalescence, and making her first return to World Wrestling Federation action tonight, I give you TRISH STRATUS and T&A." A quick buss on the cheek for Brisco and all four walk down to the ring. But before anything else happens, "No Chant in Hell" fires up and out comes SKIPPY. "I am overwhelmed with my colleague, Gerald Brisco's, sentiment. I, too, share his sensitivity towards women's rights. I mean, let's face it - one of the innocent victims that the Dudley Boyz have repeatedly bombarded through tables could have quite easily been my very own sister, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. So tonight, I stand by a staunch advocate of women's rights - I stand by my friend and hero Gerald Brisco!" Shane and Brisco hug. Well, there's our backdrop for the 4,527th meeting between these two teams in the past month. Test starts in the ring with D-Von. Knee, pound, pound, pound, into the ropes, big boot - it's all Test. Into the ropes is reversed, hiptoss blocked, neckbreaker by Test. "We want table" from the crowd. Into the ropes, duck, gutshot by Dudley, into the ropes, drops down, leapfrog, clothesline ducked, but not the shoulderblock. Tag to Buh-Buh Ray, who hammers away on Test. Elbow to the face. Into the corner is reversed, boot up, clotheslined down. Dudley puts Test in the ropes, but he ducks the clothesline and hits one of his own. Right, right, right, into the ropes, duck, Test ducks as well, Uncle Slam! Tag to Albert. Maybe they're chanting "We want puppies," I dunno. Kick, into the ropes, shoulderblock. Albert still on him - right, kick, pound, pound, pound - into the opposite corner - ready for the splash but Buh-Buh Ray pops out with a clothesline. Pulling apart the legs...but he realises Test needs a shot on the outside first - it'll bring him in, distracting referee "Blind" Jim Korderas so we can get that "headbutt to the graun" spot. D-Von stays in, right, into the ropes, Albert reverses, Brisco pulls on D-Von's ankle. Dudley ponders this for a moment and decides to leave the ring and go out after him. The chase is on outside the ring, but before a full lap is completed, Albert surprises him with a clothesline. Rolled back in the ring, Test makes the switch without a tag while Korderas tries to put Buh-Buh Ray back in his corner. Hammering away with rights. "We want table!" Hard whip into the corner, but Dudley puts up the boot - D-Von on the second rope - Sunset flip! But only 2. Duck off the ropes, sidewalk slam by Test - climbing up top for the elbow - but it misses! Both men need to tag - and both men do. Duck, clothesline by Buh-Buh Ray, another, pickup, Samoan drop, cover - 1, 2, Test in to break it up, but he elbows his own partner when Dudley moves aside! Into the ropes...duck, Buh-Buh Cutter! Brisco on the apron, Brisco eats a right. *Stratus* on the apron - well, that ain't bright. Dudley has HER by the hair...but lets go as Albert charges him - Dudley, instead, shoves him into Stratus, who flies off the apron into Brisco! Rare 3D (Dudley Death Drop) variant where the Dudleyz have traded places and the victim is inverted - 1, 2, Shane pulls out the referee. As D-Von turns his attention to the outside, Test comes off the top with his Savage elbow, and Albert puts an arm over Buh-Buh Ray. 1, 2, 3. (6:06) Post-match, WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW is out and it's time for Shane to sprint - only, he's immediately caught. Test makes the save with some axehandle blows - but makes the mistake of trying to come off the ropes - ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM - Shane takes off up the ramp while Show's Aggression track plays. Quick, to an ad break!

Trash Talkin' Stage ad

What network is this? UPN!

Moments Ago, Show ran out, grabbed Shane's ankle as he tried to crawl into the ring, Test took the bullet and gets two different angles.

Backstage, Show is WALKING! And randomly destroying objects. Funny moment occurs when Show expects a door to be locked, yet it calmly opens up in front of him - so he kicks it in anyway

Time now for the High Energy Smack of the Night, brought to you by Metaform's Metacuts - from RAW last Monday, special referee Triple H misses Benoit tapping out when his wife saunters out - Jericho takes umbrage, then loses his belt when Triple H rings the bell pretty quickly after the Crippler crossface is applied...

THE GODFATHA (with eight - err, four ladies) v. CHRIS BENOIT for the intercontinental championship - two things: I'm VERY confused by the lack of Helmsley-McMahon verbiage with us already in Segment Two...and I'd really like to strangle whoever taught Lawler how to say "Wazzup" between RAW and tonight. You know how something's cool until your PARENTS start repeatedly doing it? Lawler's taken that away from all of us...and he deserves to pay. Benoit interrupts Godfather's standard speech of the advantages of the legal availability of plentiful hemp, which makes him THE GREATEST WRESTLER ALIVE. Benoit immediately takes it to Godfather with the buzzsaw-like tactics. Godfather tries to reverse a whip, but Benoit rolls under a big boot. Benoit blocks the punch and cuts loose with some rights of his own. Into the opposite corner - Benoit sidesteps the charge, waistlock, Godfather tries to elbow out, Benoit spins him around, Northern Lights suplex and a bridge for 2! Benoit kick, kick, off the ropes but into a powerslam - Godfather gets 2. Godfather stomping away - in the corner, hiptoss out, stomp, into the ropes, big boot, scoop - and a slam. Godfather puts Benoit through the ropes and goes outside. Hard whip into the STEEL steps. Benoit put back in the ring - backdrop suplex. Godfather in command? Well he's on the second rope for a Vaderbomb - that's gotta be the DUMBEST thing I've ever seen. He wouldn't have hit him even if Benoit HADN'T moved. Benoit quickly puts on the Crippler crossface - and Godfather taps. (2:30)

MICHAEL KING COLE decides to play with fire by leaving the broadcast position for a brief interview with Benoit. Cole asks Benoit how he reconciles the fact that Jericho never tapped out on Monday. "Never make a dumb statement like that again, Cole...or I'll show you exactly HOW and why I won this title! I will admit it didn't look like Chris Jericho gave up. I will admit I did not hear Chris Jericho say 'I quit' - but I will guarantee all of the Jerichoholics that he did! He had no choice! Once I locked the Crossface on, and felt his body go numb from the paralyzing pain that it inflicts, Chris Jericho had only one hope, and that is that someone come break the hold, which is exactly what Triple H did. Because it was the only merciful thing left to do. Chris Jericho did not tap out - Chris Jericho did not say 'I quit' because he couldn't. Now I'm not here to pass judgment - what I'm here for is to offer Chris Jericho an opportunity at the World Wrestling Federation intercontinental championship at Judgment Day! There is one stipulation - this will be a submission match."

We'll be back - but first, some more ads!

When we come back, Jericho and Benoit have appearently found each other in the parking lot - and now, the refs have found THEM!

1, 2, is this on? It's fireside chat time as the STAMFORD SPRING LEAGUE CHAMPION SOFTBALL TEAM comes down in segment three - playing with the formula, eh? This Monday at 11:15, you might want to tune in to MTV to see the Run-D.M.C. video for "The Kings" - that's a world premiere, folks. The word "regime" has been replaced in the chyron with "faction," for those of you who keep track of such things - and I am. Our first words are spoken by - Pat Patterson? "You know, I've done a lot in my wrestling career, but tonight I'm a very proud man. I'm not gonna waste any time to tell you why - I will SHOW you why - roll the footage!" Hey, guess what I DON'T want to see. That's right, it involves a poop stain! "Now, not only dat, tonight I was granted permission to book a wrestling match right here In This Very Ring. So, I booked a six man tag team elimination match - on one side, you will see de team of X-Pac, de Road Dogg - their tag team partner will be the next World Wrestling Federation champion, Triple H...and they will face de team of Too Cool...and their tag team partner, Rikishi! It's a six man elimination tag team match." Shane: "And since we're making matches, you see, Big Show, I see you're in the back there and you're - you keep askin' everybody 'Shane, which way did he go, oh ho, oh ho, which way did he go, ooh hoo, ooh hoo' - well, I'm right here, Big Show, I'm right here, and tonight, Big Show, you will be here In This Very Ring in a very special handicap tag team table match against your new pals, the Dudley Boyz. Let's see how much energy you have then, Show!" H: "That's good crap...that was really good crap...you know, Vince, a lot of people were surpsied on Monday that the Rock didn't show up for RAW - but I wasn't. And, quite frankly...["ass hole"]...quite frankly, I know why the Rock didn't show up. Word leaked out, Vince, you know how things go around the WWF - stories get out. It kinda slipped out that Monday I was gonna challenge the Rock to a sixty minute Iron Man match, and the Rock, quite frankly, was scared to show up and answer the challenge. Lawler: "It's that damn Internet." "He could have come up with a better excuse than the flimsy one he used about going to Morocco to make some stupid movie - The Mummy 2 - think of something more original than that, right? But the fact of the matter is the Rock is scared...["Rock E!"]...the Rock is scared, but Monday the Rock and I will go face to face - and Rock, you will have to answer my challenge. Sixty minutes, Rock, Iron Man match - you and me. And the thing is, if you say yes, then ten days from right now it will be your Judgment Day because the truth will be told that, as great a shape as you're in, Rock, as physically conditioned an athlete as you are, you will never be in the shape I am - you will never be as conditioned an athlete as I am, Rock. And that, as electrifying as you are, you will never be as good as I am. And Rock...as great as you think that you are, know one thing you never be The Game, because, Rock, quite frankly, you're not in the shape I'm in, and you don't have the heart that I have. Rock, Judgment Day - I will show the world, once and for all, that I am that damn good - and that I will be THE World Wrestling Federation champion." Batting cleanup, Vince: "Now, I understand that there are a number of you...I understand that there are a number of you - I understand that - I understand that some of you feel as though that the McMahon-Helmsley Faction last Monday on RAW just wasn't fair to Chris Jericho. I understand that many of you feel as though, since the McMahon-Helmsley Faction made Chris Jericho compete on three different occasions, defending the intercontinental title until he lost it, that it just wasn't fair. Well, that's just too damn bad. Because, if you don't think it was fair Monday, you're probably the same kind of people who wait in line, you'll wait forever in line like sheep all lined up, you'll wait in line waiting your turn, and then you'll see someone like myself very aggressively cut in the front of the line, and you'll say 'wait a minute, that's not fair!' And what about the parking lot - we've all been there, there you are patiently waiting for your little parking space, and it suddenly appears, you start driving your car--oop! Someone zips in, cuts you off, parks their car and you say 'wait a minute, that's my parking space - that's not fair!' What about - what about on those few occasions when you will honestly and objectively look into the full-length mirrah - oh ho, all right now we're gettin' somewhere. And you women look in the mirror and you look at yourselves and you say, 'uhh - ewww - look at the cellulite hanging from my hips and my buttock - that's not fair!' And you men, you men won't even come CLOSE to the mirror - but on that occasion when you might just take a quick glimpse - you say 'oh, that can't be me - no, that can't be me with the pot belly and the small genatalia - oh no that's not fair!' And you'll look at yourselves - go ahead, look at yourselves. Look at the person sitting next to you - yeah - look at 'em! Look at the person sitting in front of you - go ahead - look at all of you! You look at yourselves, and you compare yourselves to the beautiful people here in this ring and you say 'That's not FAIR!' And, forget about the looks - what about the *mun-eh*, huh? What about the money? Hah? You scrimp and you save, you work yourselves half to death, and still you can't afford what you really want! That's not fair! It's not fair that some people are rrrich and you're not - that's not fair! And you know, you have to face the facts that the vast majority of you are just born with inferior DNA - you say, 'it's not fair I'm born with inferior DNA!' But you feel sorry for yourselves, you wallow in your self-pity, and then you have to face the facts that life...is - not - fair. And some of you, a select few, you might as well go ahead and admit it - you might as well own up to the philosophy for some of you, and that is that life SUCKS - *and then you diiiiiiiie.*" Depending on your mood, some or all of the two following thoughts spring to mind from this segment:

1. What was the point of that?
2. Damn, Vince is really good at putting over his character
3. Too bad he's not a wrestler
4. Why can't anybody else emote like that?
5. How come Vince didn't book a match - or at least return to Chris Jericho - make it seem like there's some wrestling involved here?
6. How screwed would this company be without Vince chewing on lines like that? For example, can you imagine Shane giving that speech? *Nobody'd* sit through THAT

Finally, anybody who feels compelled to ask, "How come I don't mind this when McMahon does it and yet I get annoyed when Russo tries to do it?" needs to do a serious side-by-side comparison until they can figure out exactly WHY the performances are so different - even then, you might not agree with me, but you should at least be able to figure out the rationale. And if not, please address all complaints to ringmaster@wrestleline.com.

Backstage, Chyna and Eddie try to decide who will take whom on tonight - after a few failed attempts (they keep picking "rock" in rock-paper-scissors - we'll get Rock on this show any way we can! - and a missing coin coinflip), Chyna just says she'll take Dean, and Eddie can have Perry. "You try and be a peacemaker." "Let's go kick their ass!"

Judgment Day is coming - it involves little girls in white dresses skipping rope - hmmm, it says "HIS Judgment Day is coming" - emphasis mine - hey, who is HE?? You don't think - naaah - couldn't be

If I tell you WWF SmackDown! will soon return, that means there are MORE ads and sure, you can go fix a snack

Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday where the problems between Saturn and Malenko recently expanded to include Guerrero and Chyna

THAT SLUT CHYNA (with her bazooka) v. DEAN MALENKO for the Light Heavyweight Championship - man, I thought we were done with that goofy bazooka. In the current issue of Talk, you can see Chyna's ass! I think Chyna picked Malenko 'cause she wants to win a title. Have I mentioned that I like that new light heavy title belt and they've FINALLY removed the last vestiges of the "old" WWF logo from everything by replacing this belt? Yeah? Okay. EDDIE GUERRERO is out before the match starts, while in the ring Malenko is offering the Hand of Friendship. Chyna is ready to take it, but Malenko tries a kick instead - Chyna catches it and clotheslines him. Elbow, into the ropes, back body drop - off the ropes, hiptoss blocked by Malenko, Chyna with a neckbreaker for 2. Gymnast's elbow by Chyna. Lawler: "It's sorta reminiscient of when like, when Yoko broke up the Beatles." Cole: "Yokozuna broke up the Beatles?" WOOF. Gutshot, in position for a powerbomb, but Malenko turns it over and lets loose with a right. Right, kick, stomp, in the corner, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, standing on the neck, referee "Blind" Jack Doan forcing a break. Pickup - backbreaker. Malenko shoving down on her chin, but she doesn't give up. Cole calling Malenko "like a great gambler." Huh? Chyna's head hits the buckle. Into the corner is reversed, Malenko goes up and over but lands on Chyna's trick knee. DDT! Chyna blocks a right and elbows him. Another. Series of kicks in the corner. Into the opposite corner - setting up for another handspring elbow but Dean says "hey, I'll only sell that once a match" and pulls Doan in front of him. Running at Chyna - double clothesline and they're both down. You'd think Guerrero would interfere here, and you'd probably be right, but PERRY SATURN is out and pulling him back to the floor - then dropping him on the STEEL steps! Saturn in the ring....he's got Malenko in a headlock....but he eputs him down and picks up Chyna instead! BRAINBUSTER! Malenko covers - 1, 2, 3. (3:16 - hmmm) Replay of Saturn's run-in and brainbuster.

Time for a visit to Pauli G's - and Bull Buchanan and Big Boss Man bullying bar patrons. Looks like the beer's on them - yuk yuk yuk!

Earlier Today, the tag team champions posed near a convenient soda machine. "Edge cola? That's pretty good." "What about Christian cola?" "Yeah, it's on its way." A young fan asks for an autograph from the champs, who are happy to comply. "Now, before I can give this back to you...that'll be five dollars." The young fan give us his best "my mouth is agape out of shock and I'm really not acting, no sir" attempt and coughs up the fin. Another fan would like a picture with the champs. Edge & Christian commandeer Kevin Kelly to take the Polaroid - 1, 2, (they stand in front of him), 3. Edge tells the fan that it'll be ten for the photo. Kelly asks them what they're doing - Christian classifies the people in New Haven as "simple," and Edge proclaims it the easiest money they've ever made.

Trash Talking Stage ad - again

Cole and Lawler hype "Hot Boyz," tomorrow on UPN. If you want to experience torture, listen to these two try to talk "hip." I'd transcribe it for you but my head would explode.

CHRISTIAN & EDGE hit the ring. "Now, we all know what you came to see, so...first things first - let's get this done, shall we?" And they strike the pose. "You're welcome. Now we realise that all of you - our fans - really like us. But...you also respect us, and rightfully so. But on a sad note, we can't seem to garner that same respect from the rest of the guys in the back." "You know something, Edge - you're right. I mean, it is so NOT funny the way the guys look at us in the back. I mean, they look at us with such...envy - and anger - and, and rage. But I'm happy to say that there's one man - one man - that shows us the respect that I think we deserve. And I take great honour in introducing that man to all of you right now." The music is up and KURT ANGLE (AMERICAN HERO) is out. "Edge and Christian - it's true, it's true. I do respect the both of you. And I used to think that the only good thing that ever come out of Canada was maple syrup and Michael J. Fox, but I was wrong - and I'm not wrong very often. You need to realise that these two are role models for ALL of us. What is wrong with you people? They are the tag team champions of the world! And what better men to team up with me to avenge my loss against Y2J from last Monday night? And when we do, we will make this twisted world right once again - and that, my friends, is true."

EDGE & CHRISTIAN and KURT ANGLE v. HARDY BOYZ (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) and CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday where Jericho wrestled three times and lost the intercontinental championship without ever submitting. Edge and Matt start - side headlock, into the ropes, shoulderblock by Hardy, off the ropes, Edge's head down, Hardy kicks, block, Edge with a right, hot shot by Hardy, backdrop suplex, tag to Jeff, both men send him into the corner, Matt on all fours, Jeff with the leaping side kick. Jericho in with a bulldog for good measure. Jeff stays in, kick, into the ropes, reversed, Hardy brought up, but he dropkicks Edge on the way down. Off the ropes, body scissors by Edge, dropping Hardy on his face. Tag to Christian. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, vertical suplex, holding on for a second snap suplex, holding on and dropping him facefirst. Tag to Angle - nice suplex by Angle. Tag to Edge, open shot. Scoop - and a slam. Edge going up to the second rope - but meeting a dropkick right on the chin as he goes down. Army Men: World War is all about the Double Feature! Hardy reaching for the tag - Jericho is in! Christian goes down, again, Edge goes down, shot for Angle on the apron, duck, chop, chop, chop, Christian reverses the whip - Jericho with a gutshot - powerbomb - DOUBLE powerbomb! Edge from behind and tosses Jericho outside. Matt Hardy tries to help, but all he's doing is distracting referee "Blind" Mike Chioda, and as a result he misses CHRIS BENOIT clotheslining Jericho outside the ring. Put back in for a spear from Edge - Christian covers - 1, 2, NO! Tag to Matt Hardy - lariat for Angle, another, meanwhile Jericho is running up the ramp and he's caught up to Benoit! Now they're fighting at the top of the entryway - some more refs come out to break THAT up, while in the ring Matt is setting up Angle for the Twist of Fate. Angle manages a Northern Lights suplex, guess he took too long - 1, 2, Jeff off the top with a swanton bomb! NOW they're gonna get that Twist of Fate - oh, wait, Christian has the bell - you know, the problem with that audible "ding" when it hits the guy is it presumes that Chioda is DEAF as well. Anyway, Chioda is super busy with Jeff Hardy in the ring as well as Edge on the outside - Angle falls on Matt - 1, 2, 3. (3:42) Angle quickly runs up the ramp to help Benoit out with Jericho. Many chops - and a knee to the groin for good measure. Jericho shows grill marks from where some pyro probably went off. Finally the refs get Angle and Benoit off Jericho ('cause I guess it's easier to pul off two guys instead of one?).

Backstage, Edge & Christian show that they're quick learners as they graduate from the Kurt Angle school of celebration - all three get goofy and I can't help but think that this association is far from over...

BRITISH BULLDOG v. HARDCORE HOLLY for the hardcore championship - huh? Let Us Take You Back to WWF InsurreXtion, the PPV from Earl's Court in London, where Bulldog made a surprise reappearance to pin Crash Holly and take the title in an occurrence SO momentous they didn't see fit to tell us about it until tonight. Who's the face in this matchup, anyway? Lockup, side headlock from Holly, into the ropes, shoulderblock by Holly, off the ropes, up and over, Holly throws him through the ropes to the outside, then he follows and looks for some loot. Cooler of drinks to the Bulldog! Then Holly slips and falls on the mat - oops. Way to look tough, Hardcore! Shot to the back - hard into the STEEL steps - whip into the post is reversed and Snow hits it. Holly put back in the ring - Bulldog looking for some weaponry of his own - a broom will suffice. Holly with a gutshot, broom to the back, breaking the broom, now bashing him repeatedly with the broken broomstick. Holly outside for some more plunder - toolbox full of hardware - yowch. Bulldog picks up a random tool and goes to the gut, then the head with it. Toolbox shot for Holly as well. Holly goes out, Bulldog follows. It's fire extinguisher time - but he can't get it to work. Bulldog stomps on him - NOW Holly got it to work. Bulldog covering his eyes - Holly putting him back in the ring. CRASH HOLLY is out with a second referee - Hardcore hits his Best Dropkick in the Business, then goes outside for a chair. Crash meets him with his garbage can lid - WHACK! In the ring with a WHACK for Bulldog - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new hardcore champion. (2:30) By the end of the year, I suppose Crash will have held this title as many times as Lawler's held the Unified title. For an encore, Hardcore comes back in the ring and drops Bulldog right onto a chair with the Hollycaust. Guess HE'LL be written out 'til the next UK card, eh?

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands backstage with Pat Patterson. He wants to remind everyone about last Monday when Rikishi was so depressed and so down after Pat Patterson made him hit....Skid Row. And he brandishes his...erp

Meanwhile, at Pauli G's, somebody asks the channel be changed to SmackDown! so he can see the Acolytes. Buchanan says the last time he saw the Acolytes, they were whuppin' their ass. The guy says that Monday, HE saw them RUNNING from the Acolytes. A fracas is set to ensue, but the timely intervention of the bouncer (who is smaller than ALL these guys, but I guess he carries the position of authority?) prevents any punches from being thrown.

WWF SmackDown! will continue

The Fastest Slam of the Week is brought to you (not LITERALLY) by Western Union - from RAW, the Dudleyz put Test through a table with 3D - but after the match, DX arrives on the scene and helps Gerry Brisco put Buh-Buh Ray through a table

DUDLEY BOYZ v. WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW in a Handicap table match - these guys are apparently all friends now, but biz iz biz. Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Shane fired up Show, then kept talking for the benefit of the camera, claiming a brainwashing. Headbutt for Buh-Buh Ray, right, D-Von from behind, right, right, doubleteam punching, into the ropes, Show breaks the double clothesline attempt and puts them each in a choke, but D-Von kicks him in the nads - DOUBLE SUPLEX!! Buh-Buh Ray off the ropes with an elbow, D-Von with one as well. SKIPPY appears at the top of the ramp as Show starts headbutting anything that moves. Got D-Von in a choke - would he chokeslam him through the table on the floor? Buh-Buh Ray saves him with a clubbing forearm to the back. Both men try to whip him, but Show pulls them into each other instead. Double clothesline by the Show. Well it's a big headbutt, well it's a big headbutt. D-Von put in the corner - Buh-Buh Ray whipped into D-Von. Well it's a big sandwich. D-Von pressed and tossed. ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM for Buh-Buh Ray. Show goes outside and brings in the table. Buh-Buh Ray gets another headbutt and placed on the table. Show to the second rope - D-Von, who'd been wandering around outside, comes back in and Golotas Show. D-Von to the corner - is he going to pick him up? - well, with a little cooperation, Show falls into 3D (Dudley Death Drop) through the table and Bob's your uncle. (2:44) Shane sneaks over to the apron - the Dudleyz walk off and Shane is in the ring and putting on the badmouth to Show - punching away now. Apparently, the Dudleyz are watching this on the OvalTron, because they turn around and sneak back into the ring, having first produced a second table. ROAD DOGG & X-PAC come up from behind just in time, however, and Shane takes off. X Factor for Buh-Buh Ray, broncobuster for D-Von. "DX Sux" chant from the crowd. Now holding each man up for a stern talkin' to (and slap) from Tori. Assorted poses from DX and Shane and "the Kings" (what?)

Triple H is all natural - and Metacuts

Oh, love that UPN Fan Cam - bleah

Moments Ago, Show went through a table, Shane added insult to injury, the Dudleyz came back, DX came out, Tori got a slap in, and so on

In the office of the APA, Faarooq brings in a monitor. "You not gonna BELIEVE what's on TV!" He turns it on and it's apparently Buchanan and Boss Man. "Feel like a drink?"

EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna) v. PERRY SATURN (with Dean Malenko) for the European championship - Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight where - hey, you read it earlier, right? Okay. Tonight, SmackDown! is brought to you by Weider, milk, and RC Edge! Have Saturn and Malenko made up? I'm gonna guess I'll know by the end of this match...Guerrero gets in the first shots, punching away, now stomping away. Eyepoke by Saturn, Guerrero ducks a clothesline, waistlock, running him into the turnbuckle - high backdrop suplex. Guerrero outside, and back in with his trademark rolling senton. Stomp. Right. Right. Into the opposite corner, Guerrero runs at Saturn, but gets dumped on the top turnbuckle. Did I just imagine Saturn with the hardcore title for a few seconds? Big-time clothesline by Saturn. Wailing away with rights, stomping away, referee "Blind" Jack Doan pulls him off. Front slam. Saturn going up for a Vaderbomb, but he meets the knees - I guess that move never works anymore. Guerrero tries a clothesline, but Saturn ducks - picks him up, flapjacks him down. Guerrero comes back with right hands, but Saturn hits a drop toehold onto the second rope. Whip is reversed, up and over, Guerrero with a side kick. Saturn put in the corner, into the opposit corner, knee up, but Guerrero is back on him - Frankensteiner off the top! 1, 2, no! Guerrero puts him in the ropes, reversed, Guerrero up on his shoulders, but Saturn puts him DOWN with a powerbomb before he can fall to the 'rana. Saturn up top - MASSIVE elbow - 1, 2, no! Malenko up on the apron and arguing the count - Chyna on the apron on the other side as well. Saturn has Guerrero up for a suplex - Guerrero slips out and pushes him towards Chyna who clocks him with her roses - ahh, the DREADED roses - it's enough to keep Saturn down for 3. (3:16 - hmm) Oh, wait - there's a giant metal wand embedded in that bouquet. Well, there you go. Here's a replay.

Big Show eats Chef Boyardee Overstuff Italian Sausage Ravioli! I actually tried it (I'm a sucker for a relentless barrage of advertisements, I guess) and it's ... a lot better than Mankind's ravioli. There, I said it. I'm sorry.

U! P! N!

Hey, look! It's JERRY TOLIVER, the racing dude who actually wins!

Meanwhile, at Pauli G's, the Acolytes catch up with Bull Buchanan & Big Boss Man. "I think you're in our seats!" Beer bottles are broken and it's on. Faarooq's got a TV - fortunately, it doesn't hit anybody. More stunt bottles are broken - a bathroom door is broken - barstools are used. Faarooq uses a case of beer (well, the bottles are empty, at least) - hmm, I wonder which referee owns THIS place. And now...the punchline. Oh, wait, there isn't one. Damn! That was the perfect opportunity for a punchline! What is this, Monty Python? Gimme a punchline!

Meanwhile, Too Cool and Rikishi are WALKING! Do we NEED to see his ass?

Meanwhile, various members of the Faction are WALKING! Do we NEED to see Patterson's drawers?

Judgment Day is...well, you know... wait, HIS Judgment Day? HIS? WHO IS HIS? And do I care?

I don't have to tell you that WWF SmackDown! will return in a moment, do I?

Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday where HAVEN'T I SEEN THAT DAMN SKID MARK ENOUGH THIS WEEK?!? No WONDER Hyatte took the week off!

"The Kings" Run-D.M.C/DX video premiers on MTV Monday at 11:15 - roughly right after RAW. Judgment Day is brought to you by "Army Men: World War" - and it's Sunday after next!

D-GENERATION X (with Stephanie Ono & Tori) v. TOO COOL CREW in an elimination match - Patterson's mysteriously disappeared, but that's fine with me. Sexay and Dogg start. Dogg busts a move of his own - Sexay takes umbrage and lets loose. Bulldog out of the corner is blocked - backdrop suplex by Dogg. Head to the buckle. Into the opposite corner, superkick by Sexay - on the second turnbuckle - dropkick! Tag to Scotty - double kick, double dance, double head to the mat, double pose, double elbow. Tag to Rikishi - big legdrop. Placed in the corner - Banzai Drop ain't happening as Dogg tries to get outta Dodge - Sexay puts him down with a right - tag to Scotty - clubbing forearm, Dogg manages a shot to the eyes, and tag to X-Pac. Kick, arm wringer, Hotty punching back - into the ropes, knockdown by Hotty - off the ropes, leapfrog by X-Pac - waistlock by X-Pac, to the ropes, Hotty rolling backwards, doing a little breakdancing - X-Pac says "I don't dig that," rushes him but Hotty puts him down with a right. Off the ropes, clothesline is ducked, X-Pac puts a spinning roundhouse right on the chin. Head to the buckle, chop, into the opposite corner, back elbow by Taylor, into the corner, bulldog coming out, make the face! But Dogg comes in (ha!) and puts him down. Into the corner is reversed, HE gets a bulldog, and Scotty makes the face again. THIS time Sexay comes in to get his back - superkick for Triple H! W - O - R - M - it's time for the Wurm. Hoo - hoo - hoo - hi-ya. 1, 2, Triple H pulls Scotty outside. Rikishi is quickly over and all over Triple H. Meanwhile, inside the ring, Dogg puts down Scotty with the pumphandle slam, but since referee "Blind" Tim White is more concerned with the goings-on outside the ring, Grand Master Sexay has plenty of time to scale the ropes and come off with the Hip Hop Drop on the back of Dogg's head. The cover is reversed, but now X-Pac is in and there's a spinning heel kick for Sexay - X Factor for Scotty too Hotty - see ya. 1, 2, 3. (4:06) Meanwhile, on the outside, H has put Rikishi into the STEEL steps. Inside the ring, Sexay is trying to take care of both Dogg and X-Pac, but H is in with a Golota and a Pedigree. 1, 2, 3. (4:31) It's three on one now. Rikishi comes inside the ring...DX decides that they're SO in command, they can go ahead and attack him black ninja style, one at a time! Of course, this doesn't work. Dogg eats a right, X-Pac eats a right, H eats a right, all three again, Samoan Drop for Road Dogg, TKO for X-Pac, X-Pac whipped into Road Dogg, H whipped into X-Pac, setting up for the fat ass splash, but H decides that Tim White can take his place in the stack. H with a right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, head down, Pedigree - no, he backdrops H out of it. Got him up for the Rikishi Driver, but X-Pac has recovered enough to kick Rikishi in his sizable belleh. All three men stomping away on Rikishi now. Rikishi put in the corner, three men stomping - set up for the broncobuster - and there it is. But here come THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ - 3D (Dudley Death Drop) on Road Dogg! 3D (Dudley Death Drop) on X-Pac as well! Both men set up in the corner - H tried to hightail it outside, but Rikishi drove HIM into the commentary table. Rikshi sits on both X-Pac and Road Dogg - White FINALLY recovers and counts a double pin - 1, 2, 3. (7:29) It's down to Rikishi and Triple H. H trying to beg off - crowd chanting "Rikishi." Block, right. Into the ropes, head down, facecrusher by Triple H. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, standing on the neck. Here's PAT PATTERSON AND HIS DRAWERS - H brings White to the other side of the ring while Patterson rubs the ... God. "Skid row, man, skid row!" H standing on the neck again - again, White pulls him away, again Patterson rubs it in. Rikishi to his feet - H running at him but clotheslined down - and now Rikishi has Patterson in the ring - big headbutt - Patterson's dropped the underwear, and now Rikishi has it - eww, don't put your had in 'em...H over and Rikishi puts the skidmark in his face! Superkick, now they're stuffed IN HIS MOUTH - bleargh. Stephanie in the ring to put a stop to this - too late. Rikishi looks for inspiration and decides on a course of action - but before ANYTHING happens, Patterson hits Rikishi from behind with a double sledge, causing him to collide with Stephanie in the corner! She's old cold. Rikishi around to Patterson - block, right, right, headbutt, stinkface. He won't go do that to Stephanie, will he? Well, he's patting his rump and ambling over to her corner - but JUST before he gets there, Triple H is up - kick - Pedigree. 1, 2, 3. (11:18) Stephanie gives us "relief" and as H retrieve's the Women's title for his wife, the credits are up and we're out.