/25 May 2000
I GET LETTERS: A lot of you told me that that light was really attached to the truck, and I should stop trying to deliberately nitpick WWF shows to shake my "bias." Oh well.
PAYBACK: Well, all my casual dismissal of "real" sports this week came back to bite me in the ass, as my radio appearance was bumped for some live coverage of the Stanley Cup playoffs. YOU tell ME what kind of hockey they need to listen to in Racine (just kidding! Geez) - anyway, we'll do this whole thing again in a couple weeks, so stay tuned...
UPN Thursday: it must be the Rock!
TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
"Highlight package" from RAW - jocular sequence where Rock is unable to remove his shirt is skillfully edited out
Opening Credits - and associated hearing-impaired logo
PYRO! Crowd shot - and associated en espanol donde sea disponible logo
Cops in the ring! Hey look! There's some cops in the ring!
Backstage, the limousine carrying Gerald Brisco and father and son McMahon arrives - Vince must be mic'd, 'cause we can hear his voice from within the car. Tonight, the Undertaker WILL be arrested for trespassing, should he choose to show. As Vince says to Brisco (or us...or whatever) with foreshadowing that this isn't gonna be like Monday night, we hear a motorcycle in the background. Well, I guess we have THAT ansswer. Some over-the-top physical theatrics ensue as Undertaker comes close to running down the chairman. Vince climbs a ladder, then tips himself over. Undertaker almost runs him down again - he's dragged away JUST in the nick of time. They run halfway upa flight of stairs - then turn back to give us reaction shots. 'taker revs his ride. Will Undertaker go up the stairs on that bike? Apparently he's surgically attached to it or something. This is me rolling my eyes.
We cut to the ringside area - then to a shot of your hosts - a pair of kings! MICHAEL KING COLE and JERRY LAWLER give us confused looks as "No Chance in Hell" plays but the McMahons fail to appear--
Ah, there's BILLIONAIRE VINCE now, letting the adrenaline slowly subside - and working a limp. Vince berates the cops. "You stupid (beep) - where were you? Didn't you see what the Undertaker tried to - tried to do to me? He tried to run me over, dammit! I hired you here to do a job tonight - and you damn well every one of you...better do it!" Vince catches his breath. "You got bullets for that thing? You men are armed? All right - all right, Undertaker! You're so big, you're so bad, come on, Undertaker - I'm callin' your ass out!" Is it possible to limp AND swagger in the same gait? "Come on, Undertaker...dammit, you get your ass out here NOW!" Vince breathes heavily for comic effect...I mean dramatic effect. The new video and music (available at a store near you in five days - thanks, Kid Rock!) plays and UNDERTAKER comes on out...on foot, even! This entrance IS sponsored by that CD cover there. Some "shits" and "fuck yous" are excised from the audio track...go figure. Vince gulps melodramatically for our benefit as Undertaker meets him eye to eye. Lawler tells the cops to get their guns out and shoot him - well, we don't need that. The cops surround these proceedings and Vince turns back to meet his gaze. "Who the hell do you think you are? I could have been injured out there. You think you're playing some sort of a game, huh? You having fun, Undertaker? You think you're above the law, some badass who lives by his own rules, huh? Well there's a price to pay for that...and by God, you're gonna pay it right here tonight. You know, before I have your ass arrested by these fine officers...and carted away in shackles - before I have that pleasure, I got something I gotta get off my chest! Let me just say that I was one of the happiest individuals, perhaps ever last Sunday at Judgment Day... ["ass hole"] ...because when you decided to come down and interfere in the one hour Iron Man match, you singlehandedly cost the Rock the WWF Championship. I must say, I rather enjoyed that - although Triple H would have beat the Rock's butt anyhow. But...in any event, how does it feel to walk around on your head - you, the Undertaker, the reason why the Rock is no longer WWF Champion? If I were you, Undertaker, I wouldn't be turning my back on the Rock any time soon. ["Bull shit"] Now as far as last Monday night is concerned, you decided once again to make your presence felt. Well, I could have arrested you then for trespass, but you know what? It was just too sudden. I wasn't really prepared for you like I am here tonight. Let me remind you that you are not under contract to the WWF - you walked out on me and NOBODY walks out on Vince McMahon! So since you are no longer under contract, then you stand here - in MY ring - trespassing on MY property. Officers...arrest that man." Undertaker lifts the mic from McMahon and rips off the WWF cover. "Now check this out, boss. This is the way it goes down. Do you EVER talk to your old lady anymore? Because if you did, you would know before Judgment Day started, she signed me to a fat contract." Vince gulps again. Whee! "And it breaks down like this - lotsa years, lotsa zeroes. Now I'm sure you're askin' yourself - well, what the hell does that mean? Well, what that means is...you get the pleasure of payin' me lotsa money...to kick your stank ass." "Well, then, uh....officers, if you wouldn't mind...arresting the Undertaker on attempted vehicular homicide which just took place - take his ass away! Take his ass away now!" McMahon puts his finger hard into the cop's shoulder - if they were Nash and he Hogan, he'd probably go down for three. Cop: "Mr. McMahon, I'd be happy to arrest this man for attempted vehicular homicide, but if I do that...I'm gonna have to arrest you, too." "On - on what grounds?" "Assaulting a police officer!" The cop puts HIS finger on McMahon's shoulder. Hey, two wrongs don't make a right! "Now I suggest that you two work your problems out on your own." The cops take off as McMahon gets righteous: "Ah that's just - that's just like a bunch of cops! That's just like a bunch of cops! I hired your ass to do a job! Dammit, come back here - you're on my payroll here tonight! I hired your ass to do a job! You leave me here in the..." and suddenly he seems to realise he's been left alone in the ring with an angry dude behind him. Crowd chants "kick his ass" as he turns around...and finds himself in a choke. SKIPPY out with a chair - WHACK! Undertaker absorbs that and turns around - Shane wisely skips out, his father making his escape as well, and walking off with Brisco's help. Let Us Take You Back to the Attempted Vehicular Homicide what we done just seen and stuff. Hey, if he'd actually HIT McMahon, what would Linda have thought of that, anyway?
Trash Talkin' Stage ad. How DO they make that little tiny oil barrel burn with those cute little tiny flames like that?
Moments Ago: choke, chair, Diesel-like salute
EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. ? for the WWF tag team championship - we are told that an open challenge was laid out earlier today, but we don't know who the opponents are...yet. Edge: "We wanted to inform all of our great fans...[booing]...that earlier tonight, Christian and myself issued an open challenge to any team here in the World Wrestling Federation that we haven't beaten - but, come to think of it, we've already beaten everybody." "You know what? As usual, you're seldom wrong...and right again. I mean, we are SO lacking competition." "What about the..ah...the Head Bangers or - or Kaientai?" "Whatever happened to the Moondogs? Where've THEY been?" "And how many Doinks are left anyway?" "I don't know - is that with Dinks? Does that include Dinks?" "That's a good question..." The champs ponder their quandary until the sounds of "Mamacita" interrupt this moment of mirth - EDDIE GUERRERO & THAT SLUT CHYNA walk out - hey, you think THEY'LL be into providing some opposition tonight? Our champions give various looks of shock and protest, but look to be up for the match. Lockup, snapmare takeover by Guerrero, grinding the foot in the face, tag to Chyna, double suplex! Into the ropes, Chyna clotheslines Edge after he hops over Guerrero. Scoop - and a slam - tag to Guerrero, trademark senton. Dropkick to Christian on the apron and he falls to the floor. Backdrop suplex gets 2. Into the ropes, Christian makes the low bridge and Guerrero falls outside - Christian works him over, drops him on the barricade, and puts him back in for Edge. Elbow, right by Guerrero, they trade again, rights by Guerrero, Edge to the face. Standing dropkick by Edge. Tag to Christian. Backbreaker across the knee. Blatant chokehold. Christian distracts Chyna, who in turn distracts referee "Blind" Jim Korderas and allows Edge gets a cheap shot. Christian trying for the powerbomb, but Eddie follows through and goes over the shoulder to the mat - rollup, Christian pops up. Guerrero with a neckbreaker. Tag to Edge...hot tag to Chyna! Forearms all around! Gutshot for Christian - powerbomb! Edge puts Chyna in the ropes, but she powerbombs to conuter the 'rana attempt - 1, 2, Christian breaks it up. Double Golota...handspring elbow to Christian - but when she tries that on Edge, she gets speared. Guerrero is in and on Edge, but Christian dispatches him to the outside and then the doubleteam is on Chyna. A big ol' shove for Korderas as he tries to break it up secures the (DQ 3:22) Guerrero back in the ring and working over Edge as Christian tries the old belt waffle - but Chyna ducks it. Eddie puts Chyna in the belly-to-back position and she puts both boots into Christian...then Edge...the Eddie backdrops her onto her feet. Our champs run off as CHyna smiles...
In the APA office, Crash gives us "frustration" and shakes up the Acolytes beer. The Acolytes arrive ("I thought you locked that door!") to find Holly in the masturbation position. "What are you doing?" "None of your business!" "Hey son, you can't go around pulling things like that in public!" "I thought you learned your lesson Monday night, you little chihuahua, don't make me beat your little--" "Hey hey hey, ease on the kid - I think he's learned his lesson, huh?" "He's right, I have learned my lesson. Mr. Bradshaw, I have a - me and you - we got mutual respect - we're warriors, me and you - I want the little guy!" "I told you he was crazy!" "Ahh, hold on son...come over here and sit on my lap. I got a little story for you. When I was about fourteen years of age..." "I'll show you fourteen in the ring!" And he opens the beer, spraying it all over Faarooq. Then he runs off. "I'll be DAMNED!" "Remember! He's just a boy!" Bradshaw reaches for a beer - but THAT one's been all shook up as well - Bradshaw gets sprayed. "KEEYUL him."
"The Rock: The People's Champ" video/DVD ad
"More ads to come" bumper - oh boy!
Back in their office, Shane and Brisco ask Vince to relax, but he won't. He sends Brisco to the back of the building and asks him to keep his eyes out for the Rock - then to tell him when the Rock arrives. Oh, and keep an eye out for the Undertaker.
ACOLYTE FAAROOQ (with Acolyte Bradshaw) v. CRASH HOLLY in a hardcore match - Bradshaw carries a six pack and takes third headset. Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago. "You know King, I'd offer you a beer but I only got six!" Crash carries a garbage can and 2x4, which he breaks over Faarooq's back to start. Holly in the ring, Holly out of the ring, running start and leap off the steps - into a powerslam. Faarooq tosses the garbage can and lid into the ring as Bradshaw reminds us that Faarooq's had bigger bowel movements that Crash. Holly tossed in the ring, where he takes the trashcan lid - and misses with a wild swing. Spinebuster. Faarooq tosses Holly through the ropes, then threatens a Dominator on the commentary table - "hey, you'll spill my beer!" - Crash wriggles free - but eats a clothesline. Back in the ring - trashcan in place. Dominator on the trashcan. You know, it isn't a full meal if you don't get your serving of SQUASH. 1, 2, 3. (1:14) Replay of the Dominator.
There's Gerald Brisco! Pacing around! OH MY!
So, did Martin Lawrence ever come out of his coma or did they make this movie BEFORE that thing happened?
What's that? You say that two minutes of ads isn't enough? Stand by for two minutes more! ONLY ON UPN!!
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by the NEW Midas! (Don't worry - we'll still rip you off) Hardcore Holly runs in on the Benoit/Venis IC match - then Jericho runs in on him
A limousine arrives - Brisco takes a cautious gander at it...oh, it's Triple H. What a relief! Stephanie's with him. Brisco relates the goings on that...went on
CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO v. HARDCORE HOLLY v. BALD VENIS in a Triple Threat #1 Contender's match - "This match tonight is supposedly to see who the #1 Contender is for the Intercontinental championship. Well, Y2J contends that in the eyes of every single Jerichoholic, I am STILL the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah, and I am STILL--" Holly's music interrupts him. No sooner does HE get in the ring than Venis' music hits...but he's STILL too late as Jericho and Holly start out before the ring introductions can even be finished! Jericho with right and kicks - Venis pulls him away and kicks at Holly - Jericho pulls HIM away - they exchange a glance - then BOTH start working over Holly. Nice spot. Venis and Jericho take turns chopping Holly. Double into the opposite corner - double back body drop - Venis covers for 2, and Jericho pulls him off. JERICHO covers - and Venis pulls HIM off. Well, that alliance didn't last long. Shoving match, alternating punches, then Holly runs into the pile and Jericho goes outside while Holly continues on Holly. Kick, atomic drop, clothesline - kick for Jericho as he tries to climb on the apron. Big powerbomb for Venis. Cover - Jericho breaks it up after 2. Right, chop, chop, chop, into the opposite corner, boots up by Holly. Drop toehold by Jericho as the crowd chants "Y2J" - Jericho punching away from the mount, but Venis kicks Jericho and puts him through the ropes to the floor. As Venis pulls up Holly, Holy gets in a surprise shot. Into the rope is reversed, gutshot, fishermanplex - 1, 2, Jericho pulls out Venis' foot, disrupting the bridge. Venis and Jericho brawling on the floor - well, Jericho is, anyway. Hard into the barricade, elbow, chop, chop, Holly baseball slides into Jericho, who collides with Venis. Venis and Holly trading blows on the floor - now it's Holly - whip into the ringpost is reversed and Holly hits. Jericho on Venis. Kneelifts. Venis put in the ring - field goal kick for Holly as he gets back to the apron. Scaling the ropes - missile dropkick gets 2. Chop, elbow, kick, kick, Holly back in and on Jericho - and now they're back to exchanging blows. Holly rakes the face to gain control. Big open-handed slap - another gunshot slap. Venis walks over and there's a backdrop suplex. Cover - 2. Jericho over and onto Venis - half hour suplex (well, ten minute) - and a suplex for Holly as well - Venis breaks up this cover. Jericho's head put in the buckle - now Holly and Venis are both kicking at Jericho. Venis beals Holly across the ring, then tries to whip Jericho into him - Jericho ducks Holly's clothesline and springs off with a crossbody - 1, 2, Jericho gets off so Venis' elbow will hit Holly instead. Gutshot for Venis, into the ropes - no, hanging on and turning him back around for a stun gun! Holly with a shot to Jericho's back - into the ropes - Jericho with a flying jalapeno for Holly. Bulldog for Venis. back elbow for Holly. "C'mon baby!" Jericho springs off the top rope with a dropkick for Venis, who goes outside. Holly with HIS Best Dropkick in the Business for Jericho. Into the ropes, Jericho ducks the punch - Holly up to try a 'rana but Jericho drags him to the ropes, drapes him over them, then hooks his arms with his own legs in either "a version of the Walls of Jericho" (Cole) or "I was wondering when somebody would steal Tajiri's tarantula" (me) even if it's not REALLY a tarantula. Strangely, referee "Blind" Jim Korderas completely ignores the fact that they're in the ropes and asks Holly if he'd care to submit. Venis FINALLY comes to, hits the ring and drops a leg on Jericho to break up that hold. Head to the buckle. Into the opposite corner, followup lariat. Blue Thunder powerbomb - but it only gets 2. Into the ropes, Jericho ducks, then holds onto the ropes as Venis' dropkick only finds air. Jericho springs off with the quebrada - but Holly is already scaling the ropes as he covers - longish 2 stops when Holly drops the leg on the back of Jericho's head...then covers Venis for the pin. (6:43) This was SO much more fun to watch than Vince McMahon rolling around as if his life were in danger. I enjoy wrestling! Hardcore Holly takes on the winner of the upcoming title match Monday.
The McMahons and Triple H chew on some dialogue for our benefit. Undertaker will pay - ohhhhh, he'll pay. Brisco pops in to tell everybody (and us) that the Rock will be here shortly. Vince tells Triple H that this one is his tonight. "I don't want to anger the Rock, believe it or not - I know what I'm doing - I'll handle the Rock."
Trash Talkin' Stage ad #2 - what, do they need to clear some warehouse space or something?
Seriously: does UPN think that people won't get hip to the fact that they show the SAME EXACT bumper two minutes into every four minute commercial break? I mean...DAMN. At least bring back the Fan Cam spots - you had more than ONE of them!
And now, the High Energy Smack of the Night, brought to you by Metaform's MetaCuts! From RAW, Rock gives the sneak attack beatdown on Vince McMahon.
Going live, Vince and Brisco meet the limousine - Rock gets out. Say, who's that standing in the shadows back there? Vince tells Rock he isn't looking for trouble tonight. "I know we've had our differences in the past - I understand that - and...you should know that, I know you're angry with me, but...the Undertaker - wait a minute, the Undertaker - he is the reason why you're not the WWF Champion. The Undertaker himself disqualifed you for outside interf--it was the Undertaker's fault, that's why you're not the WWF Champion! But wait a minute...I know you're still angry with me...and this is what I want. Just to show you there's no hard feelings, I want you to take the night off, Rock. I want you to take..." here he puts his hand on Rock's shoulder, causing him to violently twitch his head in the direction of his hand. "Rock, Rock, settle down. Please. Just take the night off. That's all - just - no hard - I don't want anymore trouble, not tonight. Okay? Please." "So the Rock's got the night off." "The Rock's got the night off. Okay? I mean, it's about time - right?" "A night off for the Rock." "A night off for the Rock." "On the Rock's--on SmackDown! Nothin'." "Not a thing, no sir. Okay? Have a good night, Rock. Okay? Hey driver, you take him any place he wants to go, all right? It's on me. Any place he wants to go, all right? Gerald..." Gerald tells him what a great job he did, and Vince thanks him very much. Rock pops his head out of his limo and calls to Vince. "By the way, before you leave, before the Rock leaves, come here for a second, the Rock wants to tell you one thing. Come a little closer, Vince, you don't want the driver to hear this, Vince." Vince comes closer...and then Rock boxes him in the ear.
Meanwhile, the Undertaker is WALKING! Say, isn't that the garage door they're on the other side of....ah, hell, some more ads?!? Screw this, I'm watching "Homicide."
Moments Ago...in case you were fooled into watching something during the bit between ad breaks and missed it
MATT HARDY (with Jeff Hardy & TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. ESSA RIOS (with Lita) - Tonight's show is brought to you by MetaCuts by Metaform and Reebok's Blacktop, available at Foot Locker. Let Us Take You Back to Monday where Essa and Lita had a bit of a spat, leading to this crotching here in this match. Lockup, rolling around, break in the corner, but Rios goes to the quick punches and kicks. Into the opposite corner is reversed, Rios goes up and over - head to the gut, knucklelock, a few punches, to the top rope - jumping off with a twist, modified huracanrana, spinning heel kick, and Matt goes outside. Rios runs toward the corner, launches himself OVER it and lands on him with a somersault plancha. WOW! Hardy put back in the ring. 1, 2, don't know HOW he kicked out. Double Feature of Rios landing on Matt's head. Kick, overhand punch, into the corner, Hardy sidesteps the charging Rios, who leaps onto the second rope to stop himself - Hardy with a clubbing blow and giant crucifix bomb. Hardy waiting for Rios to get back up - right, right, discus right. Again waiting for him to get up - running lariat puts Rios on the outside, Hardy follows. Right hand by Hardy. Rios actually pulls Lita in front of him (!) and Hardy pulls up. Rios with a right, then he SHOVES Lita into him. Gutshot, kick, whip into the steps is reversed. Hardy puts him back into the ring and follows. Into the corner, Rios breaks the charge, then hits the moonsault - for 2. Rios runs the ropes, Hardy boosts him up and over with a hot shot - and into Lita, who was up on the apron for no apparent reason. Not her night tonight, I think. Twist of Fate - 1, 2, 3. (2:53) The Hardyz walk off - how come Jeff is holding his side? He didn't DO nothin'! Rios rolls outside and checks on Lita - check that, he puts her in the ring, shoves referee "Blind" Mike Sparks down, then powerbombs Lita out of her pants! Hey Lita, say no to crack! Rios moonsaults Lita for good measure. The Hardyz come back and administer a beatdown , culminating in a big backdrop over the top rope and apron clothesline from Jeff while Matt has him up. The Hardyz walk off with her over their shoulders.
Meanwhile, in the office, Vince holds his ear - then tells us he's glad that Rock is gone. And now it's time for a plan to get rid of the Undertaker. Triple H is brainstorming. "Vince - what if, all right, just hang on with me for a second on this. What if we could find somebody that could look the Undertaker right in the eye and that would know he could take a man of that size down. Somebody that wasn't afraid of - y'know, somebody of the stature of the Undertaker. Somebody tough enough to get that job done. What if we could find...a Giant Killer?" All eyes turn to Shane - Triple H tells him this has got his name all over it...and Vince...agrees?
Metaform's MetaCuts makes you The Game - and very strangely coloured, apparently
Mid ad break bumper
Commentators shill tomorrow's return of "Secret Agent Man," aka "Sweeps Month is Over so We Can Bring It Back to the Schedule and Run Through the Rest of the Episodes"
TOO COOL & DUDLEY BOYZ v. T & A & D & X (with Tori & Trish Stratus - the fitness model) - Dudleyz have some more face pyro, isn't that interesting? Buh Buh Ray leaves the ring and tries to grab Tori, but Albert provides the human wall. Crowd chanting table. Test starts with Scotty too Hotty. Lockup, Test puts him in the corner and hauls off witih five rights. To the opposite corner, Scotty tries to go up and over but lands on his shoulder. He wriggles free, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, duck, clothesline, a bit of breakdancing, and tag to Sexay - double gutshot, goofy dancing, off the ropes, head to the mat, pose, double elbow. Test has enough of this knee, pound, tag to Dogg who kicks away. Right hand. Into the corner, but Dogg runs into a superkick - Sexay on the second rope, movin', groovin', dropkickin', gettin' 2. Atomic drop, cabbage patch, off the ropes but Tori grabs his ankle - and Albert clotheslines him from the apron. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long misses this as all the good guys try to storm the ring. Sexay in a bad neighbourhood - Albert comes in - big press and drop. Tag to X-Pac, who apparently sucks - ask the crowd. Chop, right, kick trifecta, standing on the neck, bronco buster coming up - but nobody's home. Sexay crawls to his corner as the crowd does the American Males clap - hot tag to Buh Buh Ray! Down you go, you too - I'll hit you and you from the apron. Full nelson butt slam for X-Pac. He grabs Dogg and tags D-Von - into the ropes, Dogg ducks the clothesline, and T&A each grab an ankle as they try to come off the ropes - Hotty in with a bulldog and funny face. Say it with 'em - W - O - R - M - and so forth. Sexay up top - no goggles but he DOES hit the hip hop drop. Unfortunately, Long decides to choose THIS moment to ignore the action and get people back to their corners...well, actually neither man is legal so I can dig it. X-Pac dumps Hotty over the top and axehandles Sexay. Dudley back in - scoop slam - "head butt to the graun" spot. Albert in - punch, duck, punch, into the corner - oops, not THAT corner, that's where Long is! Long goes down like a ton of bricks, of course. Dogg puts Dudley outside, right where the women are - they spring away. It's totally broken down in the ring, now...Dogg gets the pumphandle slame on Hotty - oops, right on Sexay's ankle. That's gotta hurt. RIKISHI PHATU is out - superkick for Dogg, X-Pac caught jumping out of the corner in a choke - tossed with one hand into the corner, fat ass splash - X-Pac staggers out and into 3D (Dudley Death Drop). Long recovers miraculously as Buh Buh Ray covers - X-Pac jobs? 1, 2, 3. (5:30) Hey, and they were both the legal men. Man, you GOTTA like wrestling. And if you don't, well, I have a feeling we'll get some dancing...hey, the Dudleyz dance? Too Cool produce three pairs of shades - one for Phatu - they try to put them on the Dudley Boyz...but they stop them. Crowd boos. The Dudleyz display THEIR glasses - and put them on Too Cool. NOW they accept their shades. Lawler: "What does this mean, they're going steady or something?...Don't we have to go to a commercial?" American Males! American Males! Yes there IS a movie coming up so you'll finally understand what I mean when I tell you that NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! How come Buh Buh Ray has more soul than D-Von? That ain't right. Buh Buh Ray does the macarena (both commentators pretend they've forgotten what the name of that dance was) - then busts a big-time move. Then we look at Rikishi's giant ass. The corners light up and the world can't be any happier...well, I DID get some wrestling to set all this up, so I guess I can't complain TOO much.
Triple H provides a pep talk for Shane - tonight can be the night he becomes known as the man who buried the Undertaker. Does he actually believe that or is it a big joke? With nobody else around but Stephanie, it's hard to tell...Shane seems to be buying it, though.
Big Show needs TWO cans per show! TWO!
And now, get ready for some Maximum Power - brought to you by RC Edge Maximum Cole! From RAW, Edge waffles Scotty in mid-worm with a tag team title belt - and Angle gets the pin.
KURT ANGLE - AMERICAN HERO v. CHRIS BENOIT for the intercontinental championship - "You know, last Monday night Your Olympic Hero came to a realisation...that preaching abstinence and posing with friends are all fun and good, but I'm an Olympic gold medalist - the best in the whole entire world! Wow! It's mind boggling. And none of you here could possibly understand the goals and the high standards that I set for myself. And it's been way too long since your Olympic hero has had championship gold strapped around his waist here in the WWF - it's true - it's DAMN true. And I realise tonight that the people here don't have much to live for...but the good news is, the good news is you will remember this night forever! Because tonight you will witness the crowning of a NEW intercontinental champion." Hey, they never said they where they were, did they. I think they're in Evansville, IN - I'll look it up later. Lockup, Angle with a single arm takeover. Waistlock, takedown, back up, Angle rushes him into the cornerand strikes away - referee "Blind" Jack Doan forces a break. Shoves are exchanged. Back to the centre - Benoit kicks, elbow, kick, into the ropes is reversed, overhead belly-to-belly by Angle and Benoit goes outside. Angle follows and brings him back in. Elbow to the back of the neck. Benoit chops back - elbow, elbow, into the ropes, but Angle reverses with a back body drop - clothesline, 2. Head to the buckle, right, right, into the opposite corner, Benoit puts up an elbow. Kick to the head. Snap suplex. Cover - 2. Benoit puts him in the corner - chop, pound, chop, kick, kick, kick, Angle punches back, Benoit kicks, right, Doan tells Benoit to get out of the corner, Benoit tells Doan to get that finger out of his face - Angle rushes in with a double legtakedown into a semipowerbomb. Angle rolls him over but Benoit rolls back up - chop, chop, Angle ducks the third one and hits a fireman's carry takeover - and covers for 2. Hiplock takeover also gets 2. Angle picks up Benoit - right, into the ropes is reversed, big knockdown by Benoit - 2. Into the ropes, big clothesline, cover, leg hooked - just 2. Benoit argues the count. Back to Angle, who ducks, waistlock, Benoit reverses after a back elbow, German suplex - but only 2! Benoit goes outside and climbs the corner - Angle springs up, grabs him and hits a lightning-quick superplex. Both men are down - aww nuts, HARDCORE HOLLY is out to pick his opponent. He's got a chair with him - WHACK for Angle (DQ 4:24) - Benoit with a kick, another kick, he's got the chair and *he* WHACKS Holly! "See you Monday!" Angle's the winner but Benoit's got the belt - hey, is he turning face with all these heel opponents?
Kid Rock is coming - this Monday! He looks kinda SCRAWNY to be a wrestler...
Trash Talkin' Stage ad #3
Have you bought your copy of Business Week yet? Linda McMahon and Kane are on the cover!
AL SNOW (with Steve Blackman - and Riggs & Murtaugh) v. BULL BUCHANAN (with Big Boss Man) - Subway brings us King of the Ring! Snow slips the lockup and puts on a hammerlock. Bull reverses, arm wringer by Snow, to the ropes, into the ropes, nobody moves on the collision. Snow tries a crossbody but he gets caught - and dropped. Straight rights by Buchanan. Into the ropes, Snow catches the big boot and lets loose with the martial arts stuff to the knee. Uppercut. Buchanan tries a kick, right, left, EVERYTHING is blocked, and Snow dropkicks the knee. Snow trying to charley horse him with kicks. Snow to the outside and on top - una plancha! But only 2. Right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, but Snow gets the boot up - Buchanan runs at him but Snow sidesteps him - ooh, there's your mistake, you gave Buchanan the chance to jump. Clothesline out of the corner (allegedly from the top rope after climbing the corner - jury's out on that one). Uppercut by Buchanan. Head to the buckle. Blatant choke. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long breaks it up. Buchanan to the face for another 4 count. Snow tries to battle back but Buchanan pounds on the back. Into the ropes, press - Snow frees himself and surprises Buchanan with an inside cradle...but Bossman is on the apron and Long is distracted. Long finally over - 1, no. Punch blocked, Snow puts another fist in the gut. Buchanan says "wait a minute, I'M getting pushed here" and dumps him over the top rope to the floor. Snow picked up by the hair - Snow drops down with a hot shot. Back in flipped over his back, off the ropes, Buchanan...well, who knows what that was - Snow goes up and lands on his butt (powerbomb attempt but they didn't tell Snow?). Buchanan off the ropes with a scissored legdrop. Buchanan puts a finger in every facial opening of Snow. Boss Man making merry on the outside with his mouth. Right by Bull. Snow draped on the bottom rope - as Long lectures Buchanan, Bossman throws an uppercut. Blatant choke. Snow goes outside - whoops, wrong side. Boss Man puts him in the post. Buchanan out to the floor with a double axehandle. Blackman might want to help out his partner some time soon, you know? Back in the ring they go - Snow in the corner, right to the body, left, right, into the opposite corner, Buchanan runs at him but he ends up crotching himself with his kick attempt. Snow with a kick. In the corner, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right...and the crowd goes mild! Snow off the ropes - whoops, wrong ropes again...Bossman puts the nightstick in his back. Buchanan off the ropes with the axe kick. 1, 2, 3. (4:37) Blackman comes in, Boss Man comes in and gives HIM the nightstick. Geez, are we writing them out? I'm gonna miss Blackman. I was his only fan, you know.
Shane hips and hops - he's stoked. "No interference!" Taker's going down! Triple H: "Yeah!" Vince: "Does my son have a set of grapefruits or what?" Brisco: "Just like you, Mister Mac Man."
Let this be the LAST time tonight I have to see that ten seconds of "SmackDown!" will return
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight, when Undertaker almost ran down McMahon...if that WAS McMahon...I mean, how hard would it be to give a stunt double Vince's hair for a few minutes?
BIG SKIPPY THE GIANT KILLER v. UNDERTAKER - More poetry from the heir apparent? Well, first, Shane uses his eyes to encourage a "Shane's a pussy" chant. "I'm sorry, have you not been watching the same matches that I have been? I've been DOMINATING here in the World Wrestling Federation! As a matter of fact, ya see, Undertaker, tonight will be YOUR Judgment Day, just as it was the Big Show's Judgment Day last Sunday night. And obviously, many of you have forgot what the Giant Killer has done to the Big Show, so let's revisit that special moment - roll the footage! There it is, oh my lookit five hundred pounds OOOOOH, man, right across the Big Show's knee, oh man, one more time, I love that footage, yes! Crushing the Big Show's knee - one more time, yeah! That's what I'm talking about! And I did it all on my own...but I wasn't done after that, no, I had one more thing to do to the Big Show, and that was defeat him for the 1, 2, 3, so I - let's roll the footage here - so I accidentally hit the Big Show in the back of the head with a cinder block, which I - OHHH! Lookit that - rendering the big man unconscious, check that out, and all that was left, yes! History - 1, 2, 3 as I was cheered on by Bull Buchanan! So, Undertaker, if I was you I'd stay in the back, 'cause obviously you want none of Shane-O-Mac." Undertaker comes out on his Beautiful Titan Bike - his entrance is sponsored by Kid Rock's upcoming CD. He's actually gonna get off the bike! No, wait, he's gonna sit there and shake his head instead. NOW he gets in the ring. Shane takes a powder. We listen to Kid Rock some more. About three minutes left in the show. NOW Shane hits the ring, bouncing around - Undertaker doesn't even seem amused by this! Undertaker with a right hand and Shane goes down hard. Better cue the run-in now...Undertaker with a choke - and a throw into the corner, Undertaker working the body, right left rightleftrightleftrightleft right left, right - back elbow - KO right. Undertaker puts Shane in the ropes - choke - chokeslam! Here's DX - see ya Road Dogg - 'bye X-Pac - down you go, Champ. DX continue to attack Black Ninja style as we see BILLIONAIRE VINCE, STEPHANIE ONO, TORI and GERALD BRISCO make their way down the aisle. Undertaker has Triple H in a choke but before he can finish the chokeslam, X-Pac gets him from behind - Dogg and X-Pac work on Undertaker in the corner - Triple H joins them. Crowd chants "Rock E." Vince in the ring now..."if ya smell..." LA ROCA runs out - see ya, Road Dogg - 'bye, X-Pac - these guys have GOT to stop attack one at a time! Undertaker punches Triple H and Shane - Rock Bottom for Road Dogg - X-Pac tossed outside - Undertaker and Rock playing pinball punchin' with Triple H. Shane gets a tombstone as Rock punches Triple H over the top rope to the floor. The ring clears of Faction members as Rock gets one more right hand in on Triple H. Undertaker decides to hop back on his bike and chase everybody up the ramp. Play the Rock's music again! Sign in crowd: "Ruck the Fock" Yeah, buddy. Credits are up and we're out. Hmm, I guess that's a (No contest).
Well, a lot of the wrestling was pretty hot shit. I don't know 'bout that other stuff, though. Of course, we all know that wrestling fans are only eight tenths of a point....right?