One World Leader UPN WWF SmackDown! TV-PG-DLV Attitude - WOW my screen is cluttered - WWF!

RAW clip package - oh look, Kane's back

Opening Credits have been tweaked a lot

Pyro! Ovals! SmackDown!! En Espanol donde sea disponible! Didn't UPN ALREADY tell me what show this was and what network I was watching? How annoying! It's the Tacoma (WA) Dome 1.6.2K (taped 30.5) and over nineteen thousand fans--ewww, did I just see used underwear stuck to a sign? C'mon, there ARE lines that shouldn't be crossed...

TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: TOO COOL v. HARDY BOYZ - Champs enter first because it's never too early to *screw tradition*....or, more likely, so we can establish the heeldom for this match by having the second team jump the first. Is Jeff having trouble walking or is that just me? Sexay dumped through the ropes by Jeff as Matt whips Scott into the corner - both Hardyz outside, whipping Sexay into the STEEL steps - back in, Jeff with an all fours assisted side kick on Hotty. Lita's tattoo watches the Magic Window backstage. Into the ropes is reversed, Jeff powerslammed by Hotty for 2. Hotty with a right, right, Jeff put into the ropes, atomic drop - Sexay on the second rope with the goggles - missile dropkick. Did I mention Lita was watching the magic window? Hotty trying for a piledriver on Jeff, but Matt hits a neckbreaker. Finally, one on one in the ring...scoop - and a slam. Matt on the second rope - legdrop HITS - 1, 2, kickout! Matt wails away with rights, much to the dismay of referee "Blind" Jack Doan. Hot shot on the ropes - backdrop suplex - another 2, another kickout. Choke on the second rope. Doan breaks it up...so Jeff walks the apron and drops a leg on him. Matt stomping on Hotty - right, into the opposite corner, feet up on the charge, though...Hotty with a clothesline and a crawl to Sexay. HOT TAG! Duck, right, and now a duck, right for Jeff, got Matt in position for a powerbomb - Jeff in and charging but Sexay ducks down and backdrops him, maintaining contact and hitting the sitout powerbomb! Jeff dropkicks the cover to break it at 2. Jeff *again* puts Sexay outside through the ropes, but Hotty hits the bulldog and makes the face. L - A - M - E - it's the Worm! Clothesline from Matt ducked, gutshot, into the corner, Hotty off the ropes to try the bulldog, but Matt's scouted that one and buries a punch in the gut. TWIST OF FATE! Sexay back in - off the ropes and clotheslining Matt out of the ring (taking himself with him - he must LIVE out on the floor) - meanwhile, Jeff is off with the Swanton bomb (!) - Doan, somehow forgetting the fact that NEITHER of these guys is the legal man, runs around to make the count, putting himself in position to get pulled out at the last second - 1, 2...just to show that I can't predict this, the Wall of Flame alights on the stage. Awww fuck...this is even worse. THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE, still carrying the WWF championship belt, walking over to the ring and calmly giving Jeff Hardy a one-armed chokeslam (DQ 4:32) Here's one for Scotty too Hotty as well. Kane wants THE STICK! Commentators can't believe he wants a microphone - yeah, he's NEVER talked before, huh. "Triple........ H...... you... want... your WWF....championship belt...back? ............... Why..... don't you...come out....and take it?" "My Time" plays and the lights do their epileptic bit...twenty seconds...thirty seconds...thirty-five second...man, SOMEBODY must have missed their cue, but now THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE ONO are out to tell us a story. "Kane...now I could come down there... ["Ass Hole"] ...Kane, I could come down there and I could beat you up and I could take what is mine...but Kane, I know that you would like to do the right thing. I, I know that...even with your limited intelligence that you understand the difference between right and wrong. You understand the difference between your property and my property. You see, and that World Wrestling Federation championship belt that you're holding is MY property. Now Kane, in the World Wrestling Federation, to be the best, you have got to beat the best. To be the World Wrestling Federation champion, you have got to beat...ME. Now, Kane, since you have never beaten me, and you never WILL beat me...that makes that my property. So what I want you to do Kane, is I want you to do the right thing, and I want you to walk up the ramp, and I want you to take that championship belt, and give it to me. Give it to the person it belongs to, Kane." "No." KANE'S KOOL!! H starts to pitch a fit, but Stephanie whispers something to him. "My beautiful wife has just brought something up to me, Kane, that makes a whole lotta sense. You want something, don'cha, big man. Everybody wants somethin' from the Champ - you're no different. Kane, why don't you tell me what you want, and I can give it to ya. Whatever it is you want, I can give it to ya. And then, you can give me back my championship belt, and you don't have to get your ass kicked! This can all just go away - just tell me what you want, Kane." "A championship match!" "You're a hell of a lot smarter than I ever gave you credit for. You want a championship match. You see, Kane, the problem I have with that is, quite frankly, you don't deserve a championship match. You don't deserve to get in the ring with me. But I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, because I am a fair man. Kane, tonight I'm gonna give you a chance - In That Very Ring. Kane, you will receive your chance, but it won't be an easy one, you see, because you are gonna step in the ring, and you are gonna face the best that there is - you are gonna face The Game one on one....not - not for the World Wrestling Federation championship - but I'll give you a chance. IF - heh - and this is a really big if - if you can beat me, Kane, you will be the #1 Contender, and I will defend that World Wrestling Federation championship belt against you at King of the Ring. Now, now that I've been fair, and now that you've gotten what you want - GIMMEBACKMYG(BEEEP)NBELT! KANE, GIVE ME BACK MY BELT!" Kane forks it over to Doan, who runs it up the aisle to H. "There you go - you really are a smart man. But now tonight, Kane, I'm gonna show you why I am The Game. I'm gonna show you why I am the best. I'm gonna show you why I am that damn good." "Enjoy....your championship belt....while you can. .... You....might be.....that....damn....good...but IIIII....AM....THAT ... DAMN... BAAAAAD!" Kane sets the turnbuckles on fire. H keeps his gave on Kane...and raises his title aloft. "Myne!"

Arriving in a stretch...SUV?...Vince and DX arrive - for some reason, we can hear Vince clear as a bell as if he were miked. Vince starts to exit, but bolts back into the van as the Undertaker appears on his bike and menaces them by...driving around and revving the motor. Hey - that's not Undertaker - that's Willie Nelson! Undertaker calls his fist a "soupbone" 'cause he's hep, yo. Undertaker must be miked as well. Undertaker demands a WWF title shot. Vince says he can have it at King of the Ring - provided he defeats the Road Dogg & X-Pac in a handicap match. "I'm gon' git me mah shot - and I'm gon' git me some DX ass, too!" 'Taker drives off as Vince gives us "Who the hell does he think he is?" one more time. Give 'em credit - they pulled off in two minutes what took about ten for Triple H and Kane...

Trash Talking Stage ad

"WWF Smackdown on UPN" - DX and Vince (and Patterson & Brisco - hey, where were they?) hook up with Triple H and Steph in their dressing room - they're a bit unhappy, having watched the past proceedings on the television. Each man shares his plans to make a match for a #1 Contender tonight - and each man shares a bit of disappoint at the other about the lack of communication betwixt them.

Meanwhile, another SUV pulls up and Shane, Edge & Christian hop out. Apparently, there's been some heavy lobbying going Shane's way - from these two to become #1 tag team contenders...and from the Rock, to become #1 WWF Championship contender. Shane decides that HE'LL book a #1 Contenders handicap match - if Edge & Christian win, they'll become #1 tag team contenders, but if Rock wins...oops, that makes three...

After watching THIS on the monitor, the other eight faction members asynchronously slap their foreheads and say "Oh, man."

KOR QUALIFYING MATCHUP: KURT ANGLE (AMERICAN HERO) v. ? - "Now, I know why all of you are down...because, for the first time in my life, it appears Your Olympic Hero is in a slump. For the past week, I've tried to attain intercontinental and European gold...only to come out empty handed. And sure, all of you people here are used to that...falling short of your goals and dreams time after time, and that's expected - but for me, it's different. Let's face it - I'm a winner! It's true...it's true. So tonight, I say - no, I vow to become King of the Ring. And I am so sure of that, that I didn't even bother to find out who my opponent was tonight - and guess what? I don't even care! Whoever it is - whoever my opponent is, I feel sorry for the poor soul, because tonight, he is going to experience an Olympic lesson that he will never forget." The music fires up and ACOLYTE BRADSHAW comes out. This should be...interesting. Gutshot by Bradshaw, big clubbing blow, out of the ring, into the STEEL steps, knife-edge chop, elbow, rolled back in. Bradshaw takes Angle's head to the buckle, knee, knee, clubbing blow, into the opposite corner hard, gutshot, in position for the powerbomb, but Angle drops down. Another pound to the back - trying again and AGAIN Angle drops down. Another clubbing blow. A third attempt, but Angle backdrops out of it. Drop toehold for Angle! Floatover, facelock, Bradshaw makes it to his feet, so Angle takes him over and covers for 2. Angle ducks a clothesline, but runs into the big boot as he comes off the ropes. Angle with a backdrop suplex. Vertical suplex attempt - but Bradshaw is too heavy - Angle gives a second mighty heave but the Tejan ain't movin'. Bradshaw decides HE'LL go for the suplex, but Angle drops down from the position, turns Bradshaw around and hits a SWEET belly-to-belly! Right hand, into the ropes, head down, Bradshaw pounds him. Into the ropes is reversed, but Angle's dropkick only gets air as Bradshaw holds onto the ropes. Bradshaw off the ropes - CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL! 1, 2, Angle gets a foot on the rope!! Bradshaw decides that NOW he'll get that powerbomb, but THIS time Angle slips out and hits the Olympic Slam - 1, 2, 3!! (2:46) Angle celebrates - Bradshaw kicks him in the back. And now he FINALLY hits that powerbomb! Play his music! For such a short match, you still gotta like how they worked up to that powerbomb. Oh, you didn't notice? Well...don't you appreciate it MORE now? No? Well, bloody hell. This is WRESTLING, man! WRESTLING! (Disclaimer: this is actually *WWF* wrestling, and may not be considered "wrestling" in your municipality, depending on which websites you visit - still, it's the little things...maybe they'll come around with more nice examples like this - damn, have I gone off on a tangent or what?)

Shane meets up with the rest of the Faction - who stare and glare, and give him the silent treatment. Oh ho ho!

UPN's International "two minutes into a four plus minute ad break" bumper airs HERE

Our commentators shill Tuesday's mostly-new episode of "Shasta" - it ain't your FATHER'S soda

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS BENOIT v. D'LO BROWN - Hey, you know what's cool about this? You don't NEED a story behind this match! The commentators drop a "Benoit's a fighting champion" and *that's it*. No four minutes promos for a two minute match, no contrivances - just....hey, Russo, listen up...just A BELT. That's all you need. And I bet that with two good workers in Benoit and Brown, this'll be a nice li'l match, too. Hey, listen to me espouse workrate. I'll be talking about that Angle/Bradshaw match for WEEKS! (Or until I can get a DVDVR guy to break it down using more words than I did) Lockup, to the corner, switch by Benoit, referee "Blind" Mike Chioda getting between them to break it up, Benoit pushing him aside and chopping away. Chop, chop, Chioda visibly taking umbrage with the champion's antics allowing Brown to sneak in a right, and another. Into the ropes is reversed, chop by Benoit after Brown ducks a clothesline. There's an elbow. Into the ropes, Brown slides under and hits a side kick. "What's up with that?" Why'd D'Lo say that? Who can say? Right hand, Benoit kicks, chops back, chop, Brown to the eyes - sidewalk slam! Brown out on the apron - springing in off the second rope with a moonsault (!) for 2. Brown tells Chioda to count faster - good idea! Stomp, right, right, out through the ropes and he follows. Benoit with a kick, chop, and Brown is put into the post. Benoit putting him back in the ring and rejoining him - snap suplex. Cover for 2. Into the ropes, big lariat. Head to the buckle. Knife-edge chop, elbow, Brown switches positions and slaps him, chop, opposite corner, clothesline, right, back to the first corner, but Benoit gets up an elbow - running clothesline puts Brown down. Backdrop suplex. That's it! Benoit climbs to the top, knocking something off the ringpost, and cuts loose with the swandive headbutt...but it MISSES! Both men down and the count is on. Brown is up at 3, grabs Benoit and puts him in the ropes. Back elbow, but he still seems a bit groggy. Brown puts Benoit in the ropes again, head down, small package by Benoit for 2. Kick to the gut by Benoit, Brown holds onto a whip attempt and takes him up for Sky-Hi, but Benoit manages to scissor his legs around the body and turn it into an armbar takedown! Crippler crossface...D'Lo taps. (4:23)

Backstage, Vince expresses some reservations about Triple H's and Edge & Christian's matches to Dogg & X-Pac...but he knows that they'll get the job done in THEIR match with the Undertaker.

Meanwhile, Terri preens for out benefit

Meanwhile, Kat seems well oiled

Trash Talking Stage ad #2

YEAH! Another new 7UP ad!

Holy cow! Can it be? A DIFFERENT UPN bumper? Ohh...no, it's the same old one. Stay tuned for MORE ADS!

Hey, new "Big Vinnie" ad as well. I think this Round Table ad is a local, though, so you probably didn't see it.

Time now for the WWF Burn of the Week, brought to you by Stacker 2 (funny, these appear to all be shots of the Britney clone and not the big ol' fat dude) from RAW last Monday - "highlights" of the mixed six person tag.

JERRY LAWLER stands in the ring and tells us he's about to live his dream of being with two women at once...hey, didn't they have this arm wrestling match at InsurreXtion?

ERNEST MILLER v. NIPPLES in an arm wrestling match - Kat wears a blue wig stolen from Daffney's collection. If it's SmackDown!, *everybody* must be wearing blue! Tonight, Terri is the "puppies" and Kat is the "kitties." Now you've pretty much heard Lawler's entire routine. GO OVER THE TOP! OVER THE TOP! Terri pulls away, saying that Kat has "something slimy on her hands." King checks - it's fine - he checks her legs just in case - they're fine, too. King promises that this match could cause swelling...for him. Terri AGAIN pulls back, saying she's parched and needs some water. King switches it up, saying count of five instead of three. Terri pulls back again, saying she needs some time to show off her ass - I mean, "exercise." Various sundry stretching episodes later (this would be SO much more entertaining on a TV-14 show), we're FINALLY ready to go. This time *Kat* pulls away - SHE wants to bend over for the crowd. Terri takes one more swig of water, and we're FINALLY going. It's Terri...it's Kat coming back...it's Terri...it's Kat...Terri spits water onto Kat and wins! Tough luck, Kat - maybe next time you'll go OVER THE TOP! (:18) Now, true to form, the table gets dumped. Kat grabs Terri by the hair and shoves her to the corner. Now for a few crotch chops and the weakest broncobuster you've ever seen...not that anybody cares. Lawler sits down in the opposite corner and asks Kat to "make my face the happiest place on earth!" HE'S GOT A STIFFY!! Yeah, right, like *I* was checking out the King's package. I was ACTUALLY thinking "Wow! Did Jim Dotson shave his head?"

The Undertaker - oh my God - he's WALKING! That's a bit of a shock - I was *convinced* he'd just drive his motorcycle down the hall....

Big Show eats - RAVIOLI!

YEAH! I *finally* saw a Shaft ad with Richard Roundtree in it! Yer damn right!

D & X (with "The Kings," Tori...and Billionaire Vince) v. THE GHOST RIDER (with a Kid Rock CD cover) in a Handicap, #1 Contenders Match - Dogg actually manages to spray *all four* of them with his water while up on the entryway. SmackDown! is brought to you by Stacker 2, "The Rock: The People's Champ" video & DVD, and Reebok Blacktop - get it at Foot Locker! Dogg gets mic time...and the REAL winners are the FANS! Vince takes third headset for a REAL treat (and that one's not sarcasm). Undertaker actually motors down to the ring using his own two feet! I have a sneaky feeling this one won't last long...Dogg runs into a big boot. X-Pac quickly sent over the top rope to the floor. Right, right, back elbow, back elbow, X-Pac back on him with a spinning heel kick, then leaping into a ...catch and slam. OH NO! UNDERTAKER LOST HIS SUNGLASSES!! Subway provides the Double Feature of the toss over the top rope, while in the "live" picture, X-Pac AGAIN gets clotheslined over the top rope. 'Taker turns back around into a left jab from the Dogg, left, left, juke, jive, Undertaker catches him in a double choke and puts HIM in the corner, right, left, right, left, right, left, and so on. Into the opposite corner, choke...X-Pac in, choke for HIM - and BOTH men are pushed over the top rope to the floor. Tori over to help - looks like they're all taking off. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long can't be bothered to count them out, so instead he walks out after them...we look up at the top of the ramp to see THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ preventing any further egress by DX. Undertaker grabs Dogg by the hair and puts him back in the ring hard. X-Pac gets the same treatment. Right for X-Pac, right for Dogg, choke for X-Pac, point for Vince, chokeslam! Leg hooked - 1, 2, 3. (2:25) I think Vince may have gulped melodramatically in here somewhere. D-Von Dudley in the ring to gloat at X-Pac actually doing a job - Undertaker don't play no race card - D-Von gets a chokeslam as well. He's off - and so are we...for four minutes or so

As UPN tells you that you're watching WWF Smackdown, here's a few different angles of the chokeslam replay.

The Faction regroups in their dressing room. Vince tries to pin this loss on the Dudleyz. Triple H: "All I'm hearin' is a bunch of damn excuses."

HARDCORE HOLLY v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - Let Us Take You Back to Monday where Jericho interfered in the IC title match - tonight, Holly wants some REVANCHE! But first, a few words from Y2J: "You know, Baldcore Holly, you seem like quite an intelligent man." That facial expression Jericho just made seems to indicate he's not really believing his own words. "See you have to understand that we don't need to be hitting each other over the head with steel chairs anymore...I mean, what we should do is sit down like distinguished, intelligent gentlemen and discuss our differences. You can bring some cognac out for me...and I'll bring some Rogaine out for you...but then again, considering that you're such a goofy jackass, I don't think that I could ever, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER let you off the hook that easy!" Jericho rushes the ring and quickly! Holly stomps and pounds to take control - into the ropes...Jericho manages to slip his head under the top rope on the bounce, clotheslining HIMSELF on the way back - yikes. Holly puts Jericho in the corner and slaps away, kicking now. Into the ropes (Jericho makes DAMN sure to get his arm over the top rope on THIS bounce), Jericho springs off with a spinning heel kick. Right, chop, into the ropes is reversed, Holly with the Best Dropkick in the Business. Kick by Holly, kick, gunshot slap, Jericho kicks back, kick, Holly with a right, into the opposite corner, time stands still for a moment, then Holly walks into a boot up. Jericho to the second rope - missile dropkick! Jericho with a looping right, right, Holly ducks, right, putting him into the ropes, Jericho ducks, chop, chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed, Jericho with a flying jalapeno. Bulldog by Jericho - cover, leg hooked, 2. Kneelift, knee, Holly slips the suplex attempt, gutshot, powerbomb - folding him up but ONLY 2! Holly with a look of disdain for referee "Blind" Chad Patton, then takes a trip to the top - but Jericho dropkicks him on the way down. Well, here's CHRIS BENOIT to provide our forumlaic run-in...crowd boos the freshly-face-turned Benoit rather vehemently. Could it be they're sick of inconclusive finishes amongst these guys? Well, as it turns out, he never gets a chance to swing the chair - as he makes it to the apron, Jericho dropkicks Holly, who collides with the chair (and Benoit) - Jericho off the ropes with the Lionsault - 1, 2, 3! (3:04) Crowd turns on a dime and busts out a big pop.

Edge & Christian are greeted by Shane. The old man "couldn't get the job done." He's not sure about Triple H's match - but he IS sure about these two guys taking out the Rock. Is the Faction watching THIS part of the show on the monitor as well? Just curious.

Meanwhile, Kevin Kelly stands by while Rock - WOW! He's PACING WITH HIS BACK TO THE CAMERA!!

Please, UPN - if you appreciate the revenue this program brings in, please SPEND some of it and DEVELOP MORE THAN ONE BUMPER. Or...just don't bother

Time now for the WWF Rewind, presented by the Lorillard Whacko Tobacco Program - from RAW last Monday, Joe C. provided a timely distraction with a hockey stick to help Too Cool win the tag team titles

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY asks the Rock how he feels about the Undertaker being named the #1 Contender. Rock says it doesn't matter if the Undertaker is the #1 Contender or not - HE was promised, HE'S going to King of the Ring, and HE'S walking out WWF Champion. As for his opponents tonight... "...for the benefit of those with flash photography...the Rock's got a little special treat for ya. And it's not gonna be snappin' pictures for only five seconds - you can snap pictures ALL NIGHT LONG of the Rock, whippin' both their candyasses all over Tacoma!" Rock grinds his teeth - so the crowd chants his name. Rock says something about smelling something or other

EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with Skippy) v. LA ROCA in a Handicap, #1 Contenders match - No mic time for our Canadian friends tonight. The REAL question is, given that Undertaker plowed through DX in 2:25, how long will it take the Rock to best the former tag team champions? Oh, wait - I suppose he could lose. BWAAAAAAhahahahahaha. Hey, actually though, you know how I'D book this? Shane gets in the ring and waffles Christian to give THEM a DQ *WIN*. But then...I just don't care much for the Rock. That's why I'm not a booker - there'd be no money made if *I* was booking! You know how it goes...Steve Blackman would be main eventing every week, Viscera would squash X-Pac out of the business...oh the match is starting. Cole has the audacity to say that Shane can only get Edge & Christian disqualified - see, there's just no CREATIVITY flowing through him there. For an encore, Cole suggests that Rock should have gotten a return match anyway - forgetting that Big Show never really got one, f'rinstance. I notice he doesn't mention about a tag team title return match...oops sorry. Let's fast forward to Edge's spear - which Rock sidesteps, but referee "Blind" Tim White does not. Samoan Drop for Edge. Rock over to Christian, right, right, right, Shane throws the bell to Edge - but Rock ducks, and Edge ends up hitting the sound effect on Christian! Rock with a right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Shane flies in with a chair to the Rock...then drags Christian's arm over the Rock. White recovers - 1, 2, NO! Oh well. I've lost interest again. Crowd chants "Rock E" as both men are slow to get up - Christian tags Edge - Rock ducks - spinebuster - People's Elbow - I guess he's all better now...cover - 1, 2, 3. (5:50) If you REALLY missed me typing "right" a couple hundred times, I'm sorry I halfassed this match. Anyway, the Rock is the #1 Contender - ohhh, but Undertaker...hey, I bet Kane wins too! Yo!

Big Show is on his second can

Back in the Faction's dressing room, Shane attempts to blame Rock's win on "lousy officiating." Vince: "All we hear are EXCUSES."

KOR QUALIFYING MATCH: CRASH HOLLY v. ALBERT (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) - KOR is brought to you by Subway. Now I know Rick Scaia will ask me "But what about KANG and KOLOTH?" if I don't head him off by mentioning it here. Lockup, big beal by Albert. Crash ducks the followup and kicks away. Crash tries a hiptoss, but Albert mauls him instead. Catapult under the second rope - two count. YEAH! THE GIANT SWING!! I think we get four rotations - somehow, this is enough to dizzy up Albert, causing JUST enough of a delay to allow Crash to sidestep the big charge in the corner. Gutshot by Crash - Acid Drop! Acid Drop! (Well, maybe it was just a tornado DDT - still, isn't it more fun to think that Crash is saying hi to Spike Dudley?) Cover - Albert kicks out "with authority." Crash throwing elbows - Albert coming back with a power blow. Albert with the military press - Crash wriggles free, duck, but not the clothesline to the back. In position for the powerbomb, but Holly rolls over and takes down Albert with a quick rollup - referee "Blind" Mike Sparks is on it - 1, 2, 3! (1:24) Holly outside the ring to celebrate - Stratus shoves him into the ringpost. Albert grabs Holly, brings him back in the ring and gives him the Argentinian backbreaker. Sadly, no mic work from Stratus for us to make fun of. Replay of the pinfall shows that Holly was cheating by pulling onto the shirt. Holly into the post again, too.

Hey, I keep forgetting to say that it was revealed tonight that it's a 32-person field this year instead of sixteen, so that should be interesting. Of course, I say "person" because there's a woman in the field this year...yeah, we'll let that go for now. I'll bitch about it when I get my chance.

Exterior of the Tacoma Dome. Whee!

Triple H addresses the rest of the Faction. He's got some harsh words for Vince and Shane, and then promises that while there may be two #1 Contenders, there sure won't be three. And for an encore, he demands that nobody come out to interfere in the match - he'll take care of Kane on his own. After he leaves...they come to a consensus that Triple H is The Game. It's his time. Let him shine.

Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. Time for a Subway KOR update! Cor! On Monday, Rikishi advanced when Shane McMahon was disqualified. Bull Buchanan also moved on, defeating Steve Blackman. Earlier tonight, we saw Kurt Angle make it with the Olympic Slam. And Moments Ago, Crash Holly defeated Albert. Sunday on Heat, more Qualifying Matches! Al Snow takes on Val Venis while Chyna (oof) takes on the Godfather! Look for Guerrero AND Malenko to appear. ALL these graphics are brought to you by SUBWAY!

KANE - IS - WALKING!

May this be the LAST time I bitch about this bumper - well, at least, for TONIGHT anyway

And now it's time for some Maximum Power, brought to you by RC Edge Maximum Power cola! Earlier Tonight, Undertaker became #1 Contender. He used MAXIMUM POWER! (I guess)

THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE v. THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Ono) in a nontitle, #1 Contender match - Cole spells it out for me: on Monday, all those mysterious attacks must have been perpetrated by Kane, and Rock and Undertaker WEREN'T lying when they said it wasn't them. OHHHHHHHHH....you know, that hadn't even occured to me. Thanks! Kane goes outside and grabs the mic again. "You - referee - leave - NOW!" White hotfoots it outta there. "Triple H...there's been a change. This match...now has a special....guest...referee. ....... EARL HEBNER." Hebner gets an entrance, and comes out to the SmackDown! theme. Hebner wastes no time pointing to the WWF logo on his shirt. H gives a buncha lip to Hebner but he can't get disqualified or we WILL have three #1 Contenders. H turns back and finds himself head to chest with Kane. Uppercut, uppercut, right, into the corner, double choke. Kane drops him before the count of 5. Big right, H ducks and throws a right - no effect - double choke - back in the corner, rights and lefts, into the opposite corner, follow clothesline. Big right hand. Into the ropes, head down, facebuster by Triple H - no effect. Kane clotheslines him over the top rope to the floor...and follows. Right hand. Uppercut. Gonna drop him on that barricade there, yup. H's head hits the STEEL steps. H rolls back in the ring - Kane on the apron, and H manages a high knee, sending him off the apron to the commentary table. H comes to, goes outside and unleashes a series of rights on Kane. They try to take out a cameraman in the process, with marginal success. Kane into the post. H rolls in to break the count and rolls out. Kane into the STEEL steps. H again rolls in and out. Kane put back in the ring, H following. Right hand by H, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, Hebner pulls him off, H shoves him back, Hebner warns him. H walks back to Kane and eats an uppercut. H manages a kick, kick, kick, into the corner is reversed by Kane, but Triple H gets an elbow up - H pops up on the second rope - but gets caught in a choke - H with rights, and the choke is broken - continuing with the rights, but Kane won't go down. H off the ropes...and into a clothesline. Kane with another clothesline. Kane blocks a right and hits one of his own. Another punch. Off the ropes, big boot. Sidewalk slam. Kane outside - climbing to the top - but H runs to the rope, crotching Kane. H goes outside and gets a chair...hey, that ain't too smart. Hebner tries to wrest the chair from him, H shoves him by the chair. H turns to Kane - and gets caught in a choke - and chokeslam. Leg hooked. Hebner over for a trademark slow count...1, 2, 3. (5:19) Kane is the ....well, one of the three #1 Contenders. Hebner goes to give the belt to H, but Kane intercepts it, strikes a dramatic pose with the flashpots flashing...then drapes the belt over H's prone form and walks off. Credits are up and I'm outta here.