UPN: Smell it!

It's a TV-PG-DLV One World Leader Attitude - WWF

Close captioned logo is a registered trademark amongst these opening credits

BOOM BOOM BOOM pyro away! It's a live bunch 22.6.2K (taped 20.6) in the Pyramid where Memphis, TN is en espanol donde sea disponible - 18,345 folks...you...and me...

...and THE NEW MAN, STEPHANIE ONO, BIG SKIPPY and BILLIONAIRE VINCE come out to "My Time" to get it started. Lawler leaves six people out of the attendance figure - why, we do not know. Look, YOU can say it's the McMahon-Helmsley Faction out there, but *I* only see four out of the nine, so *I* ain't gon' do it. Hey, we've managed to go three minutes without anything happening. Champ is first with THE STICK: "You know, Vince, as much as I disagree with your decision to put the World Wrestling Federation championship on the line this Sunday at King of the Ring...I will reluctantly agree to it. Even though, just the thought of Kane...["ass hole"]...just the thought of Kane, Undertaker, and especially the Rock...["he said the Rock!"]...being able to become the World Wrestling Federation champion by pinning either Shane...or you, DAD, make me wanna puke. ["Rock E!"] But, you see, the fact of the matter is, the chance of any one of those three becoming the World Wrestling Federation champion...it's remote at best. Because, quite frankly all three want to be World Wrestling Federation champion, and their egos won't allow one to win at the expense of the other two. You see, it's quite simple. If Rock were able to get one of us in a compromising position to where he was able to get a cover, the Undertaker would pull the Rock off before the referee would even get the count to two, because Undertaker wants more than anything to become World Wrestling Federation champion...as does Kane. You see, all three of 'em want more than anything to become what I am, and that is the World Wrestling Federation champion. So then, at King of the Ring, even though in our six man match, the World Wrestling Federation championship is on the line, I have all the confidence in the world in us. ["Slut!"] You see, Vince, 'cause I have trust in Shane, and I have trust in you, and you have trust in me...which is something the others do not have, which is trust...and there will be one thing, when the King of the Ring is done, that you can trust in. You all can trust in the fact that when it is over, I will still be The Game! And I will still be THE World Wrestling Federation champion! ["Booo!"] Because this, right here, is the most important thing in my life." That thing is the belt, ja. Vince: "The most important thing in one's life should not necessarily be a WWF Championship - the most important thing in life is not necessarily money - the most important thing in life is not even necessarily health or happiness. No, the single most important thing in life is *family*. Family. You see, because if you have family, then chances are you have an abundance of those other qualities. And let's face it...for years, I have instilled upon my offspring a set of rigid, wholesome family values. It hasn't been easy. It has caused me, indeed, a great deal of hardship and sacrifice to instill these family values, yet nonetheless I did what I had to do. And as the patriarch of the McMahon family, sometimes I would have to rule with an iron will. Sometimes, a gentle hand. ALWAYS with the capacity of generosity and sensitivity that few of you could *ever* fathom...but notwithstanding these attributes, these family values, let me leave you with this thought, and that is that the most *important* family value in terms of attributes is one of...love. Love! You see, when you stand in my shoes, one must love a meddlesome, shrew-like wife enough to forgive her. One must love a non-respectful son-in-law enough to forgive. One must love one's own doubting son and daughter enough to forgive them. Indeed, if you have the capacity of love as I do then you must put forward before your offsprings challenges - challenges that they would never attempt to reach - mountains they would never attempt to climb - RIVERS they would never attempt to cross! Yet, always, with supreme confidence in my heart that they will succeed - and that's why, here tonight, in Memphis, Tennessee ["He said the name of our town!"] - that's why here tonight, there will be indeed a challenge - a challenge that will prove our superiority even on the EVE of the King of the Ring, because tonight, here In This Very Ring...tonight, Shane McMahon will see action...Triple H will see action...yours truly, Vince McMahon will see action. Collectively, the three of us will compete in a six man tag team match here against - against Kane! And against the Undertaker! And against the damn Rock!" Head scratching turns to anger and annoyance - Shane walks out of the ring and up the aisle. "Wait - where do you think you're going? Don't make me have to take on all three of those here by myself tonight!" Shane turns back...and decides to keep walking. There goes the Helmsleys. Huh.

Meanwhile, Trish Stratus' cleavage is WALKING! T&A are behind her, I think - I wasn't lookin'

Meanwhile, Lita and the Hardyz are WALKING!

Meanwhile, Big Show eats another can of ravioli

Visiting wwf.com is like pushing a blind guy in the path of an oncoming bus

Say, UPN, what show IS this? Thanks. We follow Shane out a door and into a limo - Triple H and Stephanie catch up to him and H tells him if HE'S gonna do it, Shane's for sure gonna do it. They succeed in pulling him away from his limo...

HARDY BOYZ & LITA v. T&A & TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL in hot, steamy intergender action - wwf.com relaunches Monday! Quick, download those 1998 vintage TitanTron entrance videos while you can! SmackDown! is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily, the "new" Midas, and "The Rock: The People's Champ" video AND DVD. Let Us Take You Back to Thursday where Lita did some damage to Stratus. Six-way staredown - Lita puts a shove to the forehead of Stratus - Stratus goes outside and the chase is on...while inside the ring, it only takes one big right for each member of T&A to knock down a Hardy. After a full lap, Albert blocks the way for Lita, who stops...then Test brings her in by the hair - well, he TRIES to, anyway...as Lita stands on the apron, she manages to turn around and slap Test, who falls backwards into a double gutshot and double suplex. Albert in - double clothesline ducked - Albert put in the corner, Matt down on all fours to boost Jeff into a side kick. To the other corner, but Test is ready with a boot as Jeff tries the same move. Albert with a big boot for Matt as well. Now it's down to Test and Jeff Hardy in the ring as we settle down to standard tag rules. Hardy with three rights, into the ropes is reversed, Test clotheslines him down. Dragging him by the hair to the corner, tag to...Trish? Yup. Test holding onto Hardy for the open shot, and she slaps him. Lita wants to come in but referee "Blind" Mike Chioda has to forcibly put her back in her corner - the poor fellow. Stratus sneaks in and shoves Lita off the apron to the floor. Trish runs back to her corner and tags in Albert. Jeff put in the ropes - T&A double press...and drop. Albert with a knee, stomp, uppercut. Boot, into the opposite corner, avalanche misses. Tag to Test, tag to Matt - right, right, discus right, into the corner is reversed, but Matt puts the boot up - second rope clothesline - neckbreaker. Matt is back up and meeting Albert. A tornado DDT attempt is shrugged off, but Hardy lands on his feet. Hardy ducks the clothesline, and from the OPPOSITE corner, Matt jumps off and DOES swing into the tornado DDT. Hey, I thought DDT's were banned. Jeff off the ropes - SOMERSAULT PLANCHA on Albert! Matt ready to try the Twist of Fate on Test - but Stratus comes in and pulls on Hardy's hair - this brings in LITA to yank on STRATUS' hair, much to the crowds delight. Stratus's head takes a trip to the mat. Hardy with the Twist of Fate on Test - and Lita mimics the move on Stratus! Jeff Hardy climbing to the top as they lay Stratus on top of Test - swanton bomb! Sure, his hair barely grazed them, but that's not the POINT - errr, is it? Anyway, Matt covers Test while Lita covers Stratus - fortunately, Chioda still knows who the legal men are, and when Albert only breaks up Hardy's pin, he dutifully stops his count at 2. Albert goes outside to work on Matt, and the ref leaves to try to restore some order. Left in the ring are the women - and Lita sets up Stratus for her "scares the hell out of me" moonsault - it hits and shw covers and counts her own three - but Chioda is still outside the ring. Albert makes his way back in and drops Lita with his double choke bomb. Stratus covers Lita...Chioda turns around, suddenly completely forgets that he knew who the legal men were, comes in and counts the fall for Stratus. (4:33) Did I mention there'll be a four-team elimination tag match Sunday at King of the Ring? Too Cool, Edge & Christian, T&A and the Hardy Boyz. Yeah - it'll probably suck, huh. Oh yeah, how about a replay of the double choke bomb? Hey, is Albert FINGERING her as he carries her off over his shoulder? Nah...this is a *TV-PG* rated show!

Here's A Special Video Look at Monday's hijinks involving the Hollys King of the Ring Second Round match, Patterson and Brisco, and the Hardcore title changing hands...and the ensuing celebration and SECOND title change. Patterson chops his crotch - and then cheeses it

We cut to a backstage shot of Gerald Brisco - he's looking for Patterson while simultaneously WALKING! Coming across Hebner, he asks if he's seen Patterson - "not for a couple hours..."

Oh boy! UPN still manages to churn out two more sitcoms for the bruthas! You go, girlfriends!

Maybe in the new season they'll change this bumper - or remove it entirely

WWF New York (the Entertainment Complex) ad - I wonder if they'll show Bash at the Beach if I ask 'em really nicely

JERRY LEE LEWIS is in the audience! Have mercy!

We take a look at the King of the Ring brackets (brought to you by Subway) - they're still in the same order...although Benoit and Rikishi have traded places...but they're still facing each other, so....who can say what it all means. SUBWAY / MY WAY / SUBWAY / SUBWAY! Oh, they don't sing that song anymore, do they...

CHRISTIAN (with Edge - and Edge's music) v. GRAND MASTER SEXAY (with Scotty 2 Hotty) - Christian and Edge come to ring dressed as the fat Elvis, complete with foam ass crack hanging out of a white jumpsuit - and pretending to breathe heavily after climbing into the ring. Say, Big Show will be on Conan O'Brien tonight! Not literally, I hope. Well, we all missed it already, didn't we. "Greetings to all of our fans in Memphis! Now as we all know, there were two types of Elvisses. There was Fat Elvis...and REALLY Fat Elvis. But you know the sad thing is, none of us will ever get the chance to find out how fat Elvis really would have been, because he ended up just like this town - DEAD." Man, that's just COLD. "But the good news is - for the benefit of those with flash photography - we offer a brand new pose, for five seconds only, and we call this one 'A Hunka Hunka Edge & Christian.'" Edge even does a little kung fu fighting! "uhthankyou - uhthankyouverymuch." Methinks this could be a hometown advantage for that guy diggin' the grave on his way to the ring. Christian DOES remove his Elvis gear prior to the match...but leaves on the big goofy sunglasses. Oh, those are gone too now. Right by Christian, arm wringer, reversed by Sexay, into a - well, it's reversed, Sexay elbows out, right hand by Christian, side headlock, into the ropes, knockdown by Christian, off the ropes, up and over, leapfrog, Christian with a gutshot, into the corner, boot up from Sexay, bulldog coming out. Sexay with a bit o' dancin' on the second rope - and a dropkick. Christian goes outside - Sexay with a dropkick through the ropes! Really Fat Elvis is over to help Christian back up while Hotty bounces on the ropes and Sexay dances. Christian back up to the apron - Sexay with a gutshot, and an attempt at a Sunset flip out of the ring to the floor - but Elvis is over with a kick! Christian with a tornado DDT on the floor. Hmm, I thought those were - all right, I'm done with that. Hotty tries to help out Sexay on the floor but referee "Blind" Tim White decides to interject himself here. While his back is turned, Elvis whips Sexay into Christian, who drops his face on the STEEL steps. Back in the ring, stomp, stomp, stomp, head to the mat, again, again. Oh no! The dreads are off! Scoop - and a slam. Christian to the rear headlock. Sexay powers back up, elbow, elbo, into the corner, but Christian comes out, counters, and hits a side Russian legsweep for 2. Sexay punches to the gut, right, Christian ducks the clothesline and hits his inverted DDT - then HE busts a move. Into the ropes, head down, kick by Sexay - coming back - "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, off the ropes, kick caught, but not the enzuigiri - Sexay with a clothesline. Christian crawling to the corner - Sexay runs at him but ends up crotching himself when Christian gets out of the way. European title match tonight! Christian setting up Sexay on the top and climbing up for a superplex - but Sexay punches Christian back to the mat - hip hop drop? Yes! Elvis has the ring bell and tries to get in, but Hotty runs over and pulls him out - before HE can turn the tables on Edge, White is out and coming between them again. As he pushes Hotty back towards the timekeepers table, "Edgevis" hits the ring and spears Sexay! White hits the ring to take HIM outside, so Scotty comes in and rings Christian's bell WITH the bell. Cover - 1, 2, 3. (4:48) Edge tries to figure out what just happened.

Back in a dressing room, as Dean is worked over by a few ladies, Terri catches up to him - she's got a proposition for him. "So that's what you ladies call it." Terri says she's looking for a tag team partner in a mixed tag with the Kat later on. Dean says he's busy. Terri says if he doesn't want to watch her back, then he'll miss out. Dean snaps to - "Terri!!" and just as he's exiting, he turns to the three women - "miss me!"

Trash Talkin' Stage ad

And now, the WWF Rewind - brought to you by Whacko Tobacco! From RAW, we see highlights of the Guerrero/Chyna Second Round KotR match - and subsequent gifting of a puppy

Brisco rides the freight elevator! And now he's WALKING! Cole: "Yeah, he's in the ice machine."

Cut to Triple H, Shane and Stephanie. H wants to know what the hell Vince is thinking - and talking about. Shane says that upon further reflection, Vince must have a plan. Triple H says that his plans haven't run so well as of late...

WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna) v. BIG BOSS MAN - Champion enters first because that's how they do it in Europe. Still to come tonight, IC title on the line when Benoit challenges Rikishi! Wait...isn't that a KOR matchup? Hmm. Lawler mentions that it's a good thing they didn't bring the puppy out - "pepper steak!" Rather than fork over the belt to referee "Blind" Teddy Long, Guerrero decides to give it to Chyna instead - Boss Man shoves Guerrero from behind, and he collides with Chyna! Right, right, into the opposite corner hard, choke...shoved to the mat. Uppercut. It's been all Boss Man. Eddie comes back with rights - Boss Man with a palm thrust to the face. Muscling him back to the mat again - dropping a knee. Choke on the second rope - trademark baseball slide uppercut. A quick bit of lascivity Chyna's way - and back to the apron. Guerrero headbutts his abs and Boss Man goes to the floor - Guerrero with a pescado! Right, right, Boss Man to the face - picking him up - and dropping him on the second rope, the apron, yikes - that was ugly. Back into the ring. Boss Man laces the arms and headbutts his back. Right, into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Cole keeps calling Eddie "Guerrera" for some reason. Into the ropes, Guerrero lifted up - but he dropkicks at the apex. Guerrero going up top - but the axehandle fails as Boss Man catches him in a choke - then bounces him up into the Boss Man Slam. Chyna up on the apron and thinking of coming in - but Boss Man heads her way and she goes back to the floor. As Boss Man turns around, Chyna trips him up - and laughs at him. Boss Man goes outside - and eats a forearm. Boss Man SMILES. "You wanna play the game?" Despite Long's protests, Boss Man PASTES Chyna with a right hand uppercut. Long tries to get Boss Man away from her and also check his sanity, so while this goes on BALD VENIS hits the ring, appropriates the nightstick for himself, and punks out Guerrero with it. We see TRISH STRATUS (THE FITNESS MODEL) at the top of the ramp, still holding her side (sell it!). Boss Man covers - new Euro champion? 1, 2, Chyna hits him in the back of the head with the title belt. That's against the rules, folks. (DQ 3:39) Boss Man wins the match - but not the title. You have to wonder if it's over between them...

JONATHAN COACHMAN stands with Kane, who says that brother or not brother, Rock or no Rock, the WWF championship is what he wants. At King of the Ring, the WWF championship is what he'll get. Then he makes the Coach poop his pants!

Meanwhile, Kat asks the other woman in the locker room to put out her cigarette - hey, that's no lady, that's Pat Patterson in drag! Terri enters the ring and says the mixed tag is booked - now all she has to do is find a partner. Then she calls her "trash" and skips away merrily. Oh, man, this'll...well, let's wait and see, there'll be PLENTY of time for bitching in the second hour

UPN says that there are more ads to come!

Anti-backyard wrestling PSA - did you see that article in TIME?

Check out that exterior of the Pyramid!

Kurt Angle proudly displays the cover of the latest WWF Magazine with a Wheaties motif and an Olympic gold medalist standing before the word "INTEGRITIES." Stephanie happens by and gushes appropriately at the handsome bloke on the cover. Stephanie wishes Angle luck in his first King of the Ring. Angle says he can't wait to win that tournament...and then beat her husband for the title! "Well, bye!" Stephanie makes the "I'm thinking really hard" face now "...bye..."

WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: RIKASHMONEY (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. CHRIS BENOIT - Subway presents King of the Ring - three days away! Be still my beating heart, a champion actually enters second! So these guys ARE meeting Sunday - which just goes to prove my point: anybody who actually BUYS a pay-per-view is a SUCKA. We start off right away trading blows - Benoit takes the upper hand, then Rikishi shoves him away. Benoit pops up and gets right back on him - again he's shoved away. Now Rikishi putting him down with big blows - gutshots off the rope by Benoit, big clothesline by Rikishi - Rikishi with a scoop and a slam. Off the ropes - legdrop misses! Benoit off the ropes with a dropkick to the back of Rikishi and he rolls outside - another dropkick, this of the baseball slide variety, to push him back further. Benoit out and on Rikshi, right, block, Rikishi right, right, right, Benoit thrown back in the ring, but as Rikishi gets ready to follow, Benoit suddenly springs off with a legdrop to Rikishi's right arm! Benoit back outside - gutshot, headfirst into the STEEL steps - that shouldn't hurt a Samoan! Rikishi still holding his arm. Benoit pulls Rikishi's injured shoulder into the post. He's found his body party. Back in the ring, kick, duck, right, got the right shoulder in a submission hold - will Rikishi give it up? Referee "Blind" Chad Patton checking in but no. Finally Rikishi gets back to his feet - Benoit lets loose with a right. He goes to try again but it's Rikishi with the block and superkick! Rikishi covers - but he can't use his arm, so instead he lies on top of him - Benoit easily gets a shoulder up at 2. Benoit back on the shoulder with a stomp. Right hand. Benoit takes the shoulder and drives it into the top turnbuckle. Right to the shoulder. Rikishi's got a GIANT bruise on his shoulder. Knife-edge chop by Benoit - another - Rikishi thinking about the no-sell but for now, he's just standing there. Benoit with a gutshot, and while Rikishi's head is down, Benoit comes off the ropes with a DDT. BACKDROP SUPLEX!! Benoit tells us that's it and climbs the corner. Swandive headbutt MISSES - Benoit tries to get back on him but falls in a Samoan Drop. Superkick by Rikishi! Running him into the corner and sandwiching him! Benoit slumps in the corner, and the crowd sense that we might see an ass-based offense - but Benoit is up and there's the crossface - but Rikishi turns and hits a belly-to-belly! Quickly to the ropes - BANZAI DROP! 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a NEW intercontinental champion. (4:26) TOO COOL come out to celebrate. Rikishi's all "man, take it easy on my shoulder! They'll be dancing in the streets tonight...well, maybe not. Benoit is back in with a chair - see ya, Sexay, so long Hotty - WHACK for Rikishi, and another WHACK. And now he puts the bad shoulder in the Crippler crossface! Patton vainly trying to break the hold but Benoit is possessed. The rest of the refs and officials hits the ring - but they can't stop Benoit. Benoit finally lets go. His music plays, and the refs scatter as he makes threatening moves. Finally, he takes off, leaving the assembled masses to clean up the ring.

King of the Ring ad features the six-man tag - hmmm

And now, get ready for some Maximum Power! Delivered by RC Edge Maxiumum Power cola - from Heat, Jericho interferes in the Hardcore Holly/Triple H match, giving grief to both men...and to Stephanie as well. Hey, think this is their way of saying "you need to watch Heat" again?

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago and two different camera angles of Benoit being a poor sport.

HARDCORE HOLLY v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - "You know, usually the Big Shot doesn't give a damn about anything - and I don't have to. But last Sunday night, when Jericho stuck his nose in my business - that's when I started to care. So Jericho, tonight I'm gonna kick ya, I'm gonna beat ya, and I'm gonna tell ya it isn't fair...and it's gonna hurt real bad. So how ya like me now?" Jericho responds to this with...no mic time. Instead, he rushes the ring and it's on. They both through haymakers - to the corner and they're still punching away. Down to the mat, rolling around - catfight! Catfight! CATFIGHT!!! Still no discernable upper hand displayed by either man. Now Jericho puts Holly in the corner, then springs off as he comes out with the bulldog. Right, right, right, knife-edge chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed and Holly picks up Jericho - then hot shots him on the top rope. Picking him up by the legs as he lays on the top rope - and a kick to the nutular area. Right hand, Jericho comes off with a forearm, another, chop, into the ropes is reversed, Best Dropkick in the Business by Holly. Right, overhand right, to a rear chinlock. Is that a "Y2J" chant? Jericho to his feet - elbow, elbow, off the ropes, duck, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop ducked, gutshot by Holly - powerbomb! Holly folds him up - ONLY 2! Holly with an open-handed slap, another, right, right, right, right, stomp, standing on the neck for 4 - referee "Blind" Teddy Long pulling him off. Stomp, back to the neck stand. Open-handed slap. Into the ropes, reversed, boot up by Holly as Jericho comes in. Holly tries to build on it but HE runs into a spin kick! Both men down - Jericho pulling himself up by the ropes - ducks a right, throws a right, right, off the ropes, shoulderblock, right, chop, chop, Jericho warming up - into the opposite corner, going for the bulldog again but Holly's ready for it - there's a clothesline by the Big Shot. Cover - 1, 2, kickout! Into the ropes, Jericho springs off with a flying jalapeno. Holly out onto the apron - Jericho running to the ropes, springing off the top rope - NO! Holly has him scouted, becuase he shoves him to the floor! Holly is a THINKING man's wrestler! Holly over to Jericho out on the floor, pound, pound, run into the barricade, another slap, right, Subway Double Feature of Jericho's splay, Holly puts Jericho into the STEEL steps, Long is over to tell Holly that that's about as far as he can bend the rules tonight. Meanwhile, STEPHANIE ONO is sauntering out as Jericho is rolled back into the ring. I'm smelling a belt shot with the Women's title - yup. STILL pretty weak, but apparently it was exciting enough to get Steph's nipples rather erect. Hey Steph, that sweater's too small! Holly hooks the leg and folds him up - 1, 2, NO! Into the ropes, dropkick misses as Jericho holds on - off the ropes with the Lionsault! Hooks the leg - 1, 2, 3!! Jericho wins and Stephanie is ready to throw a tantrum! (5:38)

Kat looks for a partner - and asks Taka Michinoku. "Partner? Okay - FUNAKI!!" Funaki shows up. "Konichiwa." Kat tries to explain that that's not what she meant. "No, Taka - you - me - partner. Partner - me - you - partner." "Oh - sorry - you...and Funaki." Kat expresses frustration and drags him off - Funaki registers confusion for our amusement

Like those ads? Here's some more!

Commentators hype UPN's "7 Days"

ERNEST MILLER & TAKA MICHINOKU v. NIPPLES & SMILIN' DEAN MALENKO - wanna watch King of the Ring at WWF New York? Mick Foley and Ivory do! I guess Terri's FINALLY lost the PMS music. Well, I guess I need to give them credit - I was SURE Patterson would be out here with Kat. Malneko rushes Taka and throws him outside before the match starts. Forearm across the back - and a suplex onto the STEEL stage! Oops, I guess that's it for Taka. And the match hasn't even started yet! Say, there's a lot of ass cheek in this match - but not as much as in the Rikishi match! (rimshot) Thanks, I'm here four times a week. Anyway, having established that this is suddenly a two on one situation, Terri enjoys a hearty laugh. Kat decides to give it a go and shoulderblocks Terri into the corner - shoulder, shoulder. Referee "Blind" Jack Doan tries to pull her off, but she isn't a big fan of giving up her advantage. To the corner - monkey flip coming up! Got her by the hair - into the ropes is reversed - and Malenko puts a knee into the back. Tag to Malenko? What'll he do to her? French her? Well, now we cut to JERRY LAWLER, who has decided that something's got to be done about this - removes his coat and hits the ring! What is this, Memphis? Oh yeah - it is. Listen to that crowd! Right hand by Lawler - right hand! Right! Into the ropes - back body drop! Fistdrop, fistdrop - into the opposite corner - Malenko puts up an elbow to stop this nonsense. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, right, kick, kick, Malenko is merciless while the crowd chants "Jerry" VERY loudly. King trying to shake it off. Into the ropes, big heel kick by Malenko. Right hand. Into the corner, boot up by Lawler as he comes in - clothesline! The strap is down! This is apparently a big deal! Right hand! Right! Right! Crowd punctuates EVERY blow. Suplex! Malenko tags in Terri who wants NO part of this - Lawler picks up Terri and deposits her in front of the Kat. Schoolboy! 1, 2, 3! (2:31) Holy cow, it's the eighties all over again. Russo must hate life. Malenko waffles Lawler post-match and stomps all over him - then he grabs Kat, puts her in the corner, and stands back-to-back, preventing her from moving. Terri winds up for a broncobuster to Lawler - and HITS it. Must be a dream come true for him. Back to Kat, whose trick knee acts up, causing Malenko to go outside Over to Terri, got her by the hair...and putting HER through the ropes. Lawler's got a wide smile on his face - I have a feeling he'd like ANOTHER broncobuster. Kat's music plays again as Lawler reminds us that he's still over in his territory.

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with the Undertaker. "You know Kelly, it seems like everybody's talkin' but there ain't much bein' said. So ain't about a buncha talk - but I will lay this on ya? When's the last time the WWF had a real badass champion?" And he walks off.

Gerald Brisco is still a man on a mission - too bad he wasn't watching a monitor earlier, I guess - anyway, Howard Finkel (!) catches up to him and stooges out Patterson. "Patterson is in the women's locker room - and he's dressed like a lady!" Brisco asks how the heck he's gonna get his hands on him in there. Finkel thinks on this. "Gerry - I have an idea. What if you..." and he whispers in his ear. Brisco seems taken aback at the suggestion. Finkel shrugs.

D (with X & Tori) v. THAT DAMN D-VON DUDLEY (with That Damn Buh-Buh Ray Dudley) - Let Us Take You Back One Week - they call it "Mr. Dudley's Wild Ride" when you go off the stage in a dumpster. Well, they probably don't - but I just did! Road Dogg proclaims his team the Kings of Dumpsters AND the Kings of Table Matches. Anyway, after some wack rhymes, X-Pac takes the mic and continues the talkin' loud and sayin' nothin'. Sunday, they'll NOT put his woman through the table. X-Pac works in a "yo momma" as well. There's a dumpster in front of the OvalTron (on the right) and the Dudleyz bring a table - as if they couldn't find one under the ring in a pinch! Buh-Buh Ray is STILL selling those ribs. Yup. Dogg takes a hike - chase - back in the ring - Dogg chops him down and it's on - right, into the ropes, duck, right by D-Von, right, right, into the ropes, back elbow is ducked, but the clothesline hits. D-Von motions to the table but he gets caught up watching his half-brother set it up and Dogg gets in a shot on his back. Dogg puts D-Von on the second rope, then directs referee "Blind" Tim White in Buh-Buh Ray's direction so X-Pac can choke him until Dogg comes off with a reversed Boss Man straddle. Cole: "I always wondered why you wore your tights out here to ringside, King!" Crowd: "We want table!" Into the ropes is reversed, flying jalapeno by Dudley. 1, 2, shoulder up. Clothesline ducked, Dogg left, left, left, juke, jive, right is ducked, gutshot, pumphandle countered with a jumpin' Slop Drop. Tori up on the apron, but the camera completely misses it - but Buh-Buh Ray doesn't - he's quickly over to grab her. Behind White's back, X-Pac hits the ring and gives the X Factor to D-Von. White manages to see Dogg covering him and counts the fall. (1:40) Post-match, DX doubleteams D-Von - Buh-Buh Ray finally figures it out, leaves Tori alone and hits the ring. Into the ropes, double clothesline by Buh-Buh Ray. He wants the table! Sure enough, D-Von goes UNDER THE RING to produce a table, which is set up in the centre. Tori is foolish enough to try to smack around Buh-Buh Ray - he blocks it and grabs her - ready to take her for the ride but X-Pac is in and elbowing D-Von...while Road Dogg breaks a 2x4 on Buh-Buh Ray's back. With Tori dropped, DX takes off with her. Ring announcer TONY CHIMEL attempts to announce the Road Dogg as the winner, but he gets interrupted by static. The third time is a charm. Buh-Buh Ray leaves the ring and walks over to Chimel, asking him just how many times is he going to announce the other guy as the winner. Then he hauls off with a right. You know, not only is he a poor loser, but he *wasn't even in this match.*. Chimel brought into the ring....3D (Dudley Death Drop) through the table! Buh-Buh Ray makes a production out of his "broken ribs" as some refs come out to check on the ring announcer.

Backstage, we see referee Mike Chioda laughing at....and then the camera spins around to see Gerald Brisco in wig and lipstick - or is that the warpaint of his tribe? "What are you laughing at?" "Hahahahaha - I'm sorry Gerry - hahahaha" "You think I like dressing like this?" Lawler proclaims him "Pocahontas Brisco!" Chioda gives us one final "yeesh" before he begins WALKING!

When we come back, Brisco gives Chioda final instructions - then they barge into the women's dressing room. Ivory, Lilian Garcia, Jacqueline, and (I think) Terri, all apparently fooled by Patterson, start screaming as Brisco - err - mounts Patterson. They roll around a bit, then Patterson stands up and appeals to Brisco's sense of friendship - then throws some powder in his eyes. Brisco throwing random items at Patterson - now they're out of the screaming room, at least. Rolling around on the floor...when who should walk by but Vince McMahon. "Do you like being dressed up like this, huh? You like that? Well then I'll tell you what. You both have given me an idea. This Sunday at the King of the Ring, we're gonna have a first - we're gonna have a - our first Hardcore evening gown match." Errrrrp. I always had a FEELING these two were gonna fight, but I never thought it's be like this. "Wear a nice dress, Brisco! You too, Patterson!" Patterson: "You old drag queen!" (no contest 1:42)

Kevin Kelly stands with the Rock, who lays some smack down. Paraphrasing here: "Finally...cookin'." Rock notes Jerry Lee Lewis in the audience, and proclaims that he (the Rock) has Great Balls of Fire. Goodness gracious! Rock doesn't know what's up with giving away the PPV match tonight, but all it means to him is that they'll get their asses kicked not once but twice. And on Sunday - the Rock's era begins. Now chant my name!

King of the Ring promo #2

Let this be the last time we play this bumper tonight

One more look at the KOR brackets - well, all right, let's bring 'em in here. From my TV screen to your TV-like monitor:

Jericho
         ________
Angle
                    ________
Crash
         ________
Bull
                              ________
Benoit                         KOR 2K
         ________
Rikishi
                    ________
Venis
         ________
Guerrero

BILLIONAIRE VINCE & BIG SKIPPY & THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Ono) v. UNDERTAKER (on his Beautiful Titan Bike - with Kid Rock's CD cover) and KANE and LA ROCA - well, looks like they'll really go through with it, thus saving all of us the bother of paying for this match. Sure enough, the ring steps have mysteriously materialised on end against the barricade so Undertake can complete his lap around the ring. The ring clears as Undertaker hits the ring. HOWARD FINKEL is out to make the introductions and he's just MILES ahead of ALL of the rest of them. (Sorry, Chimel.) Hmm, only five minutes left in this show - or so - Vince has THE STICK. Oh, no they must have edited it out. They're ready to hit the ring...oops, Vince goes back and gets the mic AGAIN: "Let me just inform you of one thing. And that is, before the three of us get in this ring and kick your respective asses - just like we're going to do this Sunday at the King of the Ring - well, allow me to introduce you to your first series of opponents in this special no-disqualification handicap match." Out comes BULL BUCHANAN & D & X (with Tori) who take all of FIFTEEN seconds to get thoroughly destroyed and tossed over the top rope to the floor. Undertaker motions to McMahon. "All right - allow me to introduce you to your SECOND series - your second set of opponents..." and EDGE & CHRISTIAN & KURT ANGLE come out. After six seconds of beating, the FIRST three come back in and it's six on three. Of course, Undertaker manages to take out DX AND Christian wihle Edge plays with Angle and Kane works on Edge after Undertaker takes Buchanan from him. Angle tastes Rock Bottom, Edge gets a chokeslam, and Vince welcomes out a THIRD set of opponents - V & T & A (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) - so now it's nine on three. Hey, you think the three will come back THIS time? I think they're fresh out of heels. Undertaker taken to the outside - Kane put over the top rope to the floor - Buchanan & DX work on Undertaker - Albert leaps off the apron towards Kane but lands in a choke. Test & Venis save him and THOSE three work on Kane. Angle, Edge & Christian clear the ring as the McMahons and Triple H hit the ring for the Rock. Clothesline by Triple H, right, right, and so on. T&A double suplex Kane through the announce table with Venis helping a bit with a shove. X-Pac puts a chair to Undertaker while Dogg, Edge, Christian and Angle pour it on. Rock STILL manages to come back, landing rights to Shane AND Vince before Triple H can fly in with a clothesline. Gutshot - PEDIGREE! H drags him to the corner as Shane scales the corner - Savage elbow finds the mark. One man left to work on Rock...and Vince kicks Rock's elbow to his side - removes his own elbowpad...yep - it's Vince's Elbow. Leg hooked - they force referee "Blind" Earl Hebner into position - 1, 2, 3. (4:58) The seven present members of the McMahon-Helmsley Faction pose in the centre of the ring - they're all smellin' it.

See ya at the pay-per-view!