Thanks to a number of factors, I completely missed out on a chance to attend the live RAW at the San Jose Arena - mostly the fact that (1) I had jet lag and (2) I was supposed to be at work at the time - and was. Also, the WWF wouldn't comp me twice in one week - I think that's the story they fed to my producers when they asked.

HOWEVER, I *did* manage to get some swank seats to Tuesday's SmackDown! taping from the Arena in Oakland (thanks, WWF - and Dave) and, as a result, here is your *exclusive* CRZ-tinged spoiler report:

UPN 44, UPN 31 and Wild 94.9 all had quite a presence - but since I got nothing from it, I won't mention it further - you see how it works? I'm a WHORE!

I got there late. Blame work again - and the heinous traffic on the 880 between this office and the Fremont BART station. I don't know if I missed a tryout, but we pick it up on what I believe was a dark match:

EDGE & CHRISTIAN defeated the DUDLEY BOYZ in 4:16 to retain their tag team titles in what was probably a nontitle match anyway. Most over man in the match was the table - so STEVEN RICHARDS came out to confiscate it for our own good. One of those dastardly cheating pins, with feet on the ropes, added leverage from the partner and possibly some superglue used on the mat - I made that last part up because I'm sleep-deprived and the voices in my head told me to type it. Oops, said too much...anyway, post-match, the Dudleyz SOMEHOW managed to find another table and Edge took the superbomb. Fortunately, as this was a non-televised match, he managed to shrug it off for later in the show...

Heat pyro! Heat! Heat! BOOM!

GODFATHER won in his matchup with BULL BUCHANAN when referee "Always in these matches" Tim White announced a disqualification after 2:58 when Buchanan pulled him in the way of a charging pimp. This rendered moot a run-in by TAZZ, who choked out the Godfather despite the fact that, as near as I can tell, his opponent was not Canadian. I'm also pretty sure that none of the twelve - err, six ladies with him were Canadian. So much for that theory.

KAI EN TAI managed to have a tidy little match with D'LO BROWN & CHAZ, hitting all the crowd pleasing spots that we've all come to know and enjoy while simultaneously stifling the pangs of misery that come with knowing they could actually be WRESTLING somewhere, almost ANYWHERE, else. Hey, look, I'm channeling my workrate fiend personality! Where's he been all these years? Chaz superplexes, D'Lo splashes (no frogness evident) and covers for the pin in 5:16. I seem to have forgotten to write down who was pinned - guess you'll have to watch Heat to find out! I do have that the referee was Chad Patton, so we know where MY priorities are.

Heat heat! Make some noise for the cameras! YAY! I MIGHT BE ON TV (but won't as I'm in a camera-free section)

PERRY SATURN got the duke over ESSA RIOS in 3:25 with the Savage elbow. During this match, TERRI came out for no reason - then left for no reason. We can only wonder.

Ring announcer TONY CHIMEL takes some time out from his busy TV taping schedule to encourage us to purchase some fine quality merchandies, such as this here Tazz T-shirt, or the Rock's "Just Bring It" shirt. I should note that "Finally, the Rock has come back to Oakland" shirts were selling like hotcakes, despite the fact that this is the first WWF show in Oaktown for five or six years and Rock has probably NOT been here before...

ACOLYTE BRADSHAW served up a heapin' helpin' of squash as the Hades lariat said hello to old friend GANGREL in 1:40 - that's the time of the pin, folks. Move along.

The banners and aprons changed. The crowd CHEERS! Enough of these C-teamers, bring on SMACKDOWN!

To kill time while the ropes are being replaced (blue for black), TAZZ is sent out to practice his new promo on us. Paraphrasing: "You know, everybody's been talking a lot - what's the deal with the new Tazz? What's Tazz' motivation all of a sudden? Tazz comes out to the ring, takes a steel chair, clocks it right over Kane's big head - BOOO! Tazz comes out to the ring, takes Jeff Hardy and chokes him out - BOOO! Then, Tazz comes out to the ring and takes out the worm - BOOO! And (my favourite of all) Tazz comes out to the ring and proves to the world that he doesn't care, taking a fifty thousand dollar TV camera and bashing it over Rikishi, costing him the intercontinental championship! I told you people when I first got here that The Mood Is About To Change, but you see MY mood didn't change. But I'm sure your mood changes every time I come out here, doesn't it? Until this company or you people can find a hero to get the words out of my mouth, I'm gonna do... (crowd, not knowing what to do, chants "Rock E") I'm gonna do what I want, when I want, how I want to who I to do it to. Because I'm Tazz - for life born, for life bred, and when the time comes, I'll be for life dead." I THINK that's what he said. Also my handwriting is AWFUL.

JERRY LAWLER comes out to ringside to an ovation, sitting aside MICHAEL KING COLE. Did I mention KEVIN KELLY at the table with Cole for Heat? No? Did I mention I pointed at him and he didn't react? No? Let's move on.

LILIAN GARCIA blows the roof off with her version of the American national anthem. Teddy Long sneaks into the ring when she comes out, so I'm smelling a match to open the show...

Opening credits - MORE PYRO - MORE PAIN

TOO COOL & RIKISHI take on T&A & V in a six man match to open the show. Decent, longish match sees Rikishi pin Venis in 6:57 after a Banzai Drop. T&A leave Venis laying when attempting to rescue TRISH STRATUS from LITA & THE HARDY BOYZ - who came out to pull HER off the apron to prevent her from completing her plan of distraction. See how it all works backwards? Post-match, your funky favourite three ask Matt, Jeff and Lita to join them in a hoedown. Those glasses are MAGIC, I tells ya.

Stephanie & Triple H are WALKING! H carries the sledgehammer.

Commentators ask us to please watch "7 Days" ONLY ON UPN

TRIPLE H and STEPHANIE McMAHON-HELMSLEY hit the ring for a few words with the folks watching on. Tonight, we learn, absent commissioner Mick Foley continues to metaphorically screw H from afar - he's booked Triple H in a "no DQ" match with the American Badass, the Undertaker. At this point, I'm distracted by the local security removing an obnoxious sign from two obnoxious assholes, who seem to be REALLY interested in hyping some show or other on local AM sports talk station the TICKET. They proceed to piss and moan about their rights being violated and other shit, ignoring the fact that for the better part of an hour, they've been violating the rights of all the fans behind them by holding up their sign blocking their view DESPITE the fact that there are no cameras trained on this bit of the arena. Back to the interview, Triple H spoils the magic of Monday's saga by painstakingly explaining how it all went down for the more clueless amongst us. H turns to some words of warning for the Undertaker tonight, more Chris Jericho bashing, and finally he's done.

Backstage, Road Dogg says something offensive to Lita - possibly a critique of her dancing ability, but the PA wasn't going to let us in on the joke until Thursday. She slaps him, the Hardyz come out, and suddenly refs and officials rain from the heavens to separate them.

During the break, two sections of the crowd play "security ping pong" by holding up offensive signs, causing the folks in yellow slickers to walk back and forth confiscating them. "Show your tits" leads to a tag and "I eat pussy" and then they tag to two blow-up dolls - who knew messing with THE MAN could be so much fun?

ROAD DOGG & X-PAC, in what must have been one of those spontaneous matchups that show that ANYTHING can happen in the WWF, take out the HARDY BOYZ in 6:02 when X-Pac manages a Super X Factor to get the pin on Jeff. I think. I managed to be completely distracted, along with referee Jim Korderas, by T&A and TRISH attempting to score some revanche, turning all our heads away from the ring. I'm starting to think that Lita and Trish aren't really getting along! Also MUCH fun ensues when a security guard SNAPS and starts legitimately throttling one of the two assholes, presumably for something he said, but I missed it. The louder asshole, who managed to avoid a deadly choke, went on a tirade about lawsuits and what not. They were later led away, but got to come back - they probably got to go backstage and meet a WWF chick of their choice for their troubles. I hate assholes. Hey, want to get free stuff out of the WWF? Piss off a security dude enough to have him physically attack you! You're set for life, baby! Hey...what do you MEAN I shouldn't type sentences like that?

Is someone famous in the front row? I don't know - they didn't put what they were shooting on the OvalTron for all of us to see! Tune in Thursday - ONLY ON UPN!

DEAN MALENKO and AL SNOW went 5:00 and had a nifty little match. Smilin' Dean came to the ring with two live ladies, while Snow was accompanied by two inflatable ladies. STEVEN RICHARDS came out before the audience got too bored with wrestling, and confiscated ALL the ladies, saying after the match that "inflatable or not, they're STILL indecent women." Malenko managed to roll the shoulders after a superplex and Snow went down...you'll have to just watch it. Trust me, it's neat-o.

You know, Richards sirens, klaxons and alarms actually have a beat and a bassline and form MUSIC. I didn't notice this before. I'll have to pay more attention next time. You do it, too. Okay!

Eddie Guerrero and Chyna are WALKING!

Chris Benoit is WALKING!

Rock is WATCHING! Crowd, having gone without Rock to this point, collectively lets out their repressed sexual tension - can you smell what the Rock is cooking?

During the break, Chimel shills the brand new Kurt Angle "It's True It's True" shirt - twenty-five dollars is a small price to pay for a such a fine quality T - it is - it is. Also, because we must mention the Rock at every turn, why not buy The People's Elbowpad? Makes a great gift! Tell your mom!

It's a handicap match for CHRIS BENOIT as he faces *both* EDDIE GUERRERO and CHYNA - punishment meted out by the commissioner? Who can say? Probably Cole and Lawler - tune in Thursday! With referee EARL HEBNER overseeing the proceedings, you KNOW something funny's going down, and sure enough SHANE McMAHON makes his way out at the climax of the action to distract Hebner long enough to miss Eddie's despertag to his mamacita. Benoit clamps on the Crippler crossface on his former Radicalmate and won't let go - Hebner gets to 5 and rings the bell - it's a DQ after about 6. Somewhere in here Benoit legitimately busts open the region above his eye and ends up a bloody mess - it'll be interesting to see how they camera angle it up - or if they go ahead and show it. I didn't catch how it happened but I'll be looking Thursday. Finally, Benoit releases the hold - and then puts it on Hebner. Big-time pop from your reviewer. Who should make the save but THE ROCK, since Steve Austin was unavailable and only saves Jim Ross - you knew that. Don't know why, but to prevent Benoit and Rock from making contact, EDGE & CHRISTIAN run out to take a spinebuster and uranage respectively. Then Edge gets a Rock Bottom as well, for good measure. Play his music!

During the break, a few more refs come out and drag off their fallen comrade.

A fight in the crowd amuses us during the downtime.

What a lovely exterior shot of the Arena! Legit sellout, my friend - not an empty seat in the house - except those people who got food poisoning at the last minute - or shot - you know

KEVIN KELLY attempts to interview the Rock, but is quickly shoved away for comedic effect. Promo dutifully cut on Benoit, mostly dealing with whether or not Benoit is a great technical wrestler or not - Rock has some doubts, guys. The word "chickenshit" may excite the live crowd but I guarantee it comes out (bleep) on Thursday. Rock goes ahead and gives Benoit a title shot for Fully Loaded despite the fact that Benoit lost on Monday - Benoit made it "personal." He'll show him! Not only will he take his boot, he'll take BOTH boots, stick 'em sideways and my notes get fuzzy here. If ya smellllllll--ukk! Benoit punks him out in mid-catchphrase and I can't stop saying YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAH BOYEEEEEEE and this is the HIGHLIGHT of my LIFE so far. Shane appears and provides a little play-by-play action, cutting his own promo in the process (along with a more-than-fair Rock impersonation) until the refs & officials manage to leave Hebner's side long enough to collectively shout at Benoit until he lets go.

Some weed smoke wafts over. I wonder if that's got something to do with my laid-back style in this report? HAAAAAAhahahahahaha

During this break, impersonators of the Rock and D-Von Dudley provide random bursts of entertainment

Moments Ago - this punkin' out is even better the second time! Let's go to the videotape!

During the Break, Shane and Benoit slapped five - and left

ACOLYTE FAAROOQ bests CHRISTIAN in 2:36 - what was supposed to be the long-awaited tag team title match turns singles when Edge reveals that due to the Rock's "disprofessionality, I TOTALLY suffered a back injury" thanks to the spinebuster and Rock Bottom. Spot the local heat when Edge proclaims "I am in Golden State Warrior bad shape." Chuckle as we are denied a tag team title defense AND a five second pose. Ponder the significance of Christian promising a "good, clean 100% nontitle singles match" and then falling victim to the infamous spinebuster and pin. Highlight of the match is Edge's back suddenly getting much better, allowing for interference, the passing of the bell and such...then suddently reaggravating and hurting again. Post-match, our tag team champions DO get to say "what the hell, use the bell."

Kane is WALKING!

Kurt Angle is WALKING! He looks frightened, for some reason

At this point, the assholes are led back to their seats. Several concerned fans ask the "victim" if he's "okay." BLEAH

KANE is waiting in the ring as KURT ANGLE happens upon Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley and pleads his case. Why did Mick Foley book this match tonight? Why'd he book him with Undertaker at Fully Loaded? He needs some help - but he'll settle for a hug, I guess. Unfortunately, Angle's classic bad timing kicks in as Triple H walks by to catch his wife in the arms of another man. Angle quickly takes his leave as Stephanie stooges him out...you and I know she's not as innocent as she's making herself out to be. By the way, her outfit...well, I don't think showcasing her BACK is the best choice, but that's me. I will grant that she's much cuter in person...but she's still nothing I'd write home about. Again, that's just me. Although...if you disagree with me, you're WRONG

Chimel encourages all of us to lay out some cash for a Stone Cold Steve Austin 3:16 baseball cap - or how about a Rock football jersey?

Moments Ago, Kane chokeslammed Angle. I didn't mention this above? Oh. Did I mention it took 4:47? And that TRIPLE H had quite a hand in making sure Angle lost? Well, there you go, pookie!

In the MATCH OF THE NIGHT, CRASH faced the greatest wrestler alive STEVE BLACKMAN for the Hardcore Championship. A classic 4:45 that may well stand in the annals of history as some of the finest action ever witnessed by myself, live in any arena. But seriously. Blackman innovates some fine hardcore offense mixed with martial arts and tells the comedy wrestler that this division just got a whole lot more serious. Listen carefully as I publicly berate referee Jim Korderas for his slow counts on Blackman. Well, you probably won't hear me, but trust me - other people around me did! Finish is a Lethal Kick to Crash, sitting on a steel chair - falling into a tinfoil garbage can. I will say that seeing the metal stuff up close is a bit less fun - you DO see how flimsy it is. But let's not detract from Blackman's finest hour. He's sure to retire undefeated!

Via replay, Rock gets punked out one more time - it's even better the third time!

Kevin Kelly offers his on-the-spot analysis

Triple H and Stephanie are WALKING!

Undertaker is ... well ... SITTING ON HIS BIKE!

WWF New York (canned?) shot

TRIPLE H and UNDERTAKER went 7:35 in their "no DQ" match - standard SmackDown! main event saw KURT ANGLE appear with the ubiquitous *and* omnipresent sledgehammer - and accidently club the Undertaker with it. Not ONLY does he NOT get his revanche for Triple H's earlier actions during HIS match, but he once again suffers the misfortune of crossing the American Badass in a bad way. Dead Men Don't Forget, Kurt. It's gonna be a long night for you at Fully Loaded!

After the match, Undertaker finally gets up after the Helmsleys have made their victory march of the ramp. Triple H tries to come out to get him some more, but since this won't make TV, it's time to "send 'em home happy" - so 'Taker turns the tide, hits the chokeslam, and hits the music. THEN, for all of us to admire, Undertaker proudly displays his new "Last Ride" powerbomb - nobody cries for the Tombstone...but me. Undertaker raises his arms for the crowd. Putting his cap and glasses back on, he mounts his Beautiful Titan Bike and drives off into the sunset - stopping one more time at the top of the ramp to raise one more fist. Bugger me, I was there live and I STILL couldn't figure out how the steel steps magically moved themselves so 'Taker could lap the ring on his ride. It's black magic, I tells ya!

Chimel thanks us all for attending and asks us to drive home safely. I took the train, but I think that counts.

No Rock to close it out - I guess they were really selling injury? No problems from this end with that.

You've read the report, now read the report - THURSDAY! ONLY ON UPN!