/20 July 2000
a million of you wrote to tell me that Prototype was
featured on the special I didn't watch last week, and he comes out of
UPW. Well all right.
There was something else I got an awful lot of letters about, but it escapes me at the moment, so it couldn't have been THAT important. These "four nights in a row" weeks are killers, let me tell ya - even worse that this is the SECOND one in a row for me. Ohhhhhhh, poor *me!* Feel sympathy for ME! (Is it working?)
Hey, anybody heard anything about the "Wrestling Superstars" thing that's hitting the Stanislaus county fair 6 August? I think I heard that it's more the Honky Tonk Man variety of "superstar" ...but I also heard that Duggan's gonna be there as well. Probably not a Sportsline-worthy event, but I think I have an angle on getting in with the Modesto public access cameras...
If it's Thursday AND UPN, it must be UPN Thursday!
TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
RAW highlight package
Opening credits - this show *is* close captioned, according to that li'l logo up in the corner
Hey! Lookit that pyro! Lookit that crowd! Lookit that "en espanol donde sea disponible" notice! We're at the Nassau Colesium in Uniondale, NY (aka "Long Island") 20.7.2K (taped 18.7) and this is your last chance to GET PUMPED for WWF Fully Loaded - I hear tell that it's a crap shoot, so let's roll the dice...
COMMISSIONER FOLEY comes up - I mean, out. This is the man's hometown, you know, so it shouldn't be *that* much of a surprise that a fair "Foley" chant breaks out before he begins. "Now on Monday night I came out here and said it felt good to be back in the USA....and I know what you're probably thinking, that is 'Mick comes out here and sucks up to every town in this country,' but I really mean it this time when I say it's great to come back to my hometown! Right here in Long Island! (thumbs up) And I've gotta tell you, ("Foley!") I came out here a few weeks ago and said that I had the greatest job in the world as the commissioner of the WWF and I really do, I've had the time of my life. The only problem is, on Monday night when I was busy having the time of my life, I wasn't paying attention as RAW turned into one of the most violent and brutal shows in WWF history. So I've got a little problem - you see, as much as I like being backstage and messing around and telling jokes with the boys, that's not really why I was brought back to the WWF - I was brought back to be the commissioner, and sometimes I've gotta understand that, and unfortunately, tonight is one of those nights. Because I've got a lot of issues - one of them being the Rock situation. Now I have been involved in some brutal wars in my wrestling career, but I saw something a little bit different in the Rock (cut?) and to tell you the truth, it scared me just a little bit. Because I'm not saying the Rock didn't have provocation - I'm not saying his act of hitting Chris Benoit and splitting him wide open wasn't justified, but I'm saying is that in the Rock's eyes I saw unbridled hatred....which leaves me a little bit concerned for Fully Loaded; you see, Rock, I have a feeling that when you step into the ring with Chris Benoit, you're going to be more concerned about beating the crap out of him than out of gaining a victory, and I do believe the WWF fans deserve more than a cheap DQ title match - the WWF fans deserve more than a two minute main event, and I've got a feeling you're not going to pay attention to my rulebook, so what I'm going to do is this: I am going to make sure that disqualifications *do* count; as a matter of fact, I'm going to make sure that the WWF title can change hands on a disqualification. And most important, I'm here to make sure that the brutality that's been popping up under my command as WWF commissioner comes to an end. Now, as for tonight's card here in Long Island--" The Y2J countdown kicks off our first of what will probably be many interruptions during segment one, as CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO appears, bandaged about the midsection and on the forehead. "You know, Mick, while I think it's tremendous that you want to abolish all the brutality in the World Wrestling Federation, I think you can understand where I'm coming from when I say when I experienced what I experienced at the hands of Triple H - well, I don't want the brutality to end just yet. You see, gettin' nailed in the head with a sledgehammer kinda knocked something loose in my brain. I've been, you know, feeling a little bit off-kilter - a little bit crazy - a little bit WACKO! I don't feel so much like the funny, charismatic showman Y2J right now - no, I feel a little bit more bloodthirsty...I feel a little bit more like a predator...I feel a little bit more like..a hunter. And whether you realise this or not, Mick, you're the president of a very prestigious club. Yeah, that's right. You're the president of the 'I just beat the living hell out of Triple H and left him laying with an inch of his life' club, and you know what? I WANT IN. ["Y2J!"] And I understand that it's a very, very exclusive club - I mean it's easier to get into the 'my wife is still a filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, nasty, rancid, reeking, putrid, foul-smelling, festering trashbag tramp' club...well I want in just the same, and that's why I asked you for a Last Man Standing match against Triple H at Fully Loaded. You can consider that my inauguration...my initiation, if you will. But even though you've granted my request, Mick, I don't think I can wait until Sunday! I want into that club, and I want in TONIGHT!" "Now, Chris, Chris, don't get me wrong, because you're right: membership--" but before he can say "has its privliges," out come CHRIS BENOIT & BIG SKIPPY. Benoit is sporting a visible bandage on *his* forehead as well. Pause for the boos! "Mick...before you were interrupted, I believe you were talking about..uh...what a lousy commissioner you've been! I spent some time thinking about that this week, when, on Monday after the Rock attacked me from behind after my match, and being the kind of person that he is, smashed me in the face with a chair...then for the second time, after attacking me from behind with a chair, and bringing me on top of the limo, being the piece of crap that he is, gave me the Rock Bottom! See, those are the kind of gutless acts the Rock has to resort to against the greatest technical wrestler in the WWF (shoots look at Jericho). See the Rock needs weapons and chairs - all I need are my hands - no, all I need is the crossface. Say Jericho, you do happen to remember the crossface, don't you? Oh..oh yeah, that's right - last time I had you in the crossface, you passed out from the pain...so no, no you probably don't remember the crossface." "Hey Mick, congratulations on your first intelligent and fair decision here in the World Wrestling Federation as its commissioner. You see, Mick, by putting the WWF championship on the line this Sunday at Fully Loaded via the special disqualification stipulation, you have, in effect, taken away the Rock's avenue of escape, because the Rock knows he cannot beat Chris Benoit on his own. I know the Rock cannot beat Chris Benoit on his own, and more importantly, Mick, the People know the Rock cannot beat Chris Benoit on his own! So Mick, since you're on a roll with great decisions here, how 'bout tonight you make another one as commissioner? How 'bout tonight In This Very Ring, Chris Benoit goes one on one with the great one himself? And how about - let's let it be for the WWF Championship! However, Mick, just like this Sunday at Fully Loaded, let's throw in that special disqualification stipulation - so, if - when the Rock is disqualified, Chris Benoit will walk outta here tonight the new World Wrestling Federation champion!" Before he answers, here comes THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE ONO - Jericho walks to the ropes to get a better look, but he's left his back to Benoit...and finds himself on the wrong end of a Crippler crossface! For some reason, Foley goes after *Shane*, who looked to be trying to pull off Benoit...huh. Anyway, Triple H hits the ring and starts stomping away on Jericho as Foley and Shane *both* hold back Benoit - Shane doing a better job of shielding Foley from seeing Jericho get a Pedigree behind him. And *now* LA ROCA runs out - Benoit tries to stand his ground, but goes down to the amazing right hand and repeated technical stomps...and rolls out. Triple H also decides to take a hike. Foley: "You boys want some action? Benoit, Triple H, you want in the ring so bad, then tonight you got yourselves a tag team match - Triple H, Benoit...against Jericho and the Rock. And it's gonna happen..." he tails off as his music starts up again. I'm assuming there was a "tonight" in there.
Fully Loaded promo - it's SUNDAY!
Moments Ago, Benoit slapped the crossface on Jericho - here's a better camera angle of the ensuing nonsense. Cole proclaims the resulting main event decision "perhaps the greatest main event in the history of SmackDown!" Methings *somebody's* catching Schiavone's syndrome...
WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna) v. PERRY SATURN (with Nipples) v. SMILIN' DEAN MALENKO (with four - two, sorry - two ladies) - Let Us Take You Back to Monday where Saturn and Guerrero had a tiff outside the ring during Guerrero's match. Terri is suitably afraid of Chyna and hides behind Saturn as they walk down the aisle - in fact, it looks as if she'd rather just have stayed behind for this match, but Saturn leads her down. Saturn hits the ring and meets Eddie's right hand repeatedly - into the ropes, clothesline, knee, knee, Malenko's music hits as Saturn starts punching back. Malenko leisurely strolling down the aisle. Eddie to the eye - kick, right, right, Saturn pounds back - Malenko hits the ring and goes down to a double clothesline. Gutshot, into the corner, into the opposite corner, Eddie up to try a monkey flip, but Saturn turns it and they both tumble over the top rope to the outside. Malenko seeking consolation from his ladies - he's the MACK. Chyna is over and asking one of the women to take a hike - then she starts giving him a backrub...Malenko likes it, turns around to bury his head in the cleavage...thinks to himself "wait a minute, this isn't cleavage" and looks up, gives a classic reaction, then eats an elbow from Chyna. And there's another one, and another. Malenko rolled back in the ring. Meanwhile, Eddie puts Saturn into the STEEL steps. Stomp. Malenko with a baseball slide dropkick to Guerrero, putting him back in, backbreaker across the knee. Lawler compares Chyna to Yoko Ono, as far as the Radicalz are concerned. Stomp by Malenko, into the ropes, body scissors, wheelbarrow suplex by Malenko - Saturn breaks it up at 2. Exploder by Saturn on Malenko - Guerrero put on the ropes - forearm to the small of the back. Into the ropes, got him up - POWERBOMBING him down. Saturn with one o' them fancy-shmancy pretzelholds - Malenko stomps on Saturn to break it up - forearm, whip, holding on, Saturn has him up on the shoulders, Malenko breaks free and back to his feet. Got him up - backdrop suplex down. Into the ropes, nice leg lariat - but Guerrero breaks up Malenko's cover at 2. Punching away on Saturn - Malenko to Guerrero - knee by Guerrero - suplex, no up and over - forearms to the back of the head, then Malenko puts Guerrero in the corner HARD, and he goes down. Saturn is back up and with Malenko - forearm to the back - into the ropes, Malenko is up, but landing on Saturn's shoulder - freeing himself, shoving Saturn forward, sternum first into the turnbuckle, but Saturn bounces off and collides with Malenko. THEIR coconuts collide, and Malenko stumbles backwards into an inside cradle from Guerrero! Referee "Blind" Jack Doan in position - 1, 2, 3!! Guerrero retains. (3:31) Saturn isn't done, though - he's got Guerrero - right, right, right, up for the brainbuster...oh, no, I guess he's going to use a slam now. What, did they ban the freakin' BRAINBUSTER, too? Jesus. Terri is in as well, now...Saturn holding Guerrero's arms back for the slap. Chyna comes in - Saturn knocks HER down with a clothesline. Saturn gives HER the modified jackhammer as well. Saturn on the top rope now as Guerrero moves Chyna out of the way - so HE can eat the Savage elbow. Terri with a few kicks for Guerrero's carcass as well. Chyna tries to grab Terri but Saturn gives HER a big knee as well. Terri and Saturn take off.
At some place called J.B.'s Pub, Edge & Christian make the magic happen: "Oh, you're right, sodas DO rule. There is so NOT a better way to celebrate our victory on Monday night than hunkerin' down at the local watering hole." "Yeah, hunkering rules!" "Yeah it does!" (high five) "And since we beat the Acolytes on Monday - and since we're TOTALLY gonna beat them on Sunday at Fully Loaded - and since the Arena's only five minutes away - maybe we should invite the big fellas over to partake in a frosty beverage in an act of goodwill." "Yeah, and more than that, we're WAY bigger drinkers than the Acolytes!" "Yeah. Barkeep, get me one of those drinks with the little umbrellas in it!" "Yeah. Little umbrellas get the party started right!" "Totally!"
Too Cool and Rikishi eat Crunch 'n Munch!
Will UPN EVER come up with a new bumper?
Commentators hype "Star Trek: Voyager," and more specifically, Seven of Nine. Somehow, it seems even LESS cool now
Backstage, "Just" Joe tries to convey Edge & Christian's wishes to the Acolytes...but after an initial misunderstanding over the use of the APA door, the Acoyltes have little interest in *anything* he's got to say, and send him away.
KING KURT ANGLE v. KANE - "You know, over the past few weeks, I've been a nervous wreck! But this morning, I had a revelation. You see this? Gold! Gold, people! I am, and forever will be, an Olympic Gold Medalist. I've trained and sacrificed and overcome odds that you people could only dream about! I've beaten guys of all sizes and shapes from all over the world. And over the past few weeks, I've been literally scared - afraid - of a man who rides a bicycle! You know, I have another 'I' for you people tonight - I don't think so! Undertaker, I am no longer scared of you, which is why I requested a rematch with your brother (Kane) tonight. Because I am no longer scared of a man with a mask and big red jammies, either! So Undertaker, after I beat your little brother tonight, guess what: you're next, big boy. And that, my big haired, gum chewing, not good enough for New York City friends...is true!" Angle shows little fear when the lights turn red..in fact, he goes out to meet him on the ramp - and promptly gives up the advantage as Kane starts unloading rights on him. Angle trying to scrap, but Kane blocks the steps shot and puts Angle's head there instead. Angle rolled in the ring, and the bell rings after twenty-two seconds of action that doesn't count. Kane trying to get in, but it takes a while to get your leg over that top rope, so Angle comes over and punches, right, Kane catches the next one, then drops down, getting Angle throat first on top. We see the Undertaker sitting in the back working on a chaw. Kane hits the ring and Angle puts a shoulder into him and rides him all the way to the corner...Kane turns it around and they walk back towards the centre - Angle still holding on. Kane pounding and that breaks it. Overhead forearm. Kane putting him in position for the....well, surely he's not allowed to tombstone him, so I guess maybe a powerbomb, but it's a moot point anyway as Angle punches him while on his shoudlers. Angle, freed from the grasp, runs the ropes but is caught in a tilt-a-whirl into a powerslam. Kane has him in the choke, but Angle kicks at the left knee. Off the ropes, Kane with the big (right) boot. One more look at the Undertaker, who spits for out benefit - but what about the CHILDREN?!? Angle shoots for the left knee - but Kane cuts that short with a punch. Stomp. We hear an audible "You all right?" "Yeah." Wow, behind the matches! Kane puts Angle's head in the turnbuckle. Uppercut. Now YOU ask HIM if HE'S all right! Into the ropes, Angle ducks, and takes him down with a chop block to the left knee. I think we're witnessing strategy here. Angle shoots for the leg, then takes him down with a single leg. Elbowdrop on the knee...he tries to hold on but Kane grabs him in a headlock, then shoves him off with the elbow. Angle back up - elbowdrop to the knee - we repeat the struggle on the mat. Angle back up - kicking the back of the knee - back to the leglock, but Kane again throws forearms across Angle's head and chest. Both men back up - Angle refusing to let go of the left leg - dragon screw legwhip!! Angle puts the knee across the bottom rope and buttdrops it. Spinning toehold coming up? No, Kane kicks him into the ropes. Angle runs at him - but Kane clotheslines him. Another attempt, another clothesline. Angle sent into the corner - Kane runs at him but the big leg gets hung up on the rope - Angle quickly kicks the back of the left knee which has a big bullseye while the right leg is draped over the top. Kurt goes outside and steals the chair from timekeeper Mark Yeaton. Referee "Blind" Tim White taking offense at this blatant rulebreaking - Angle shoves him for his troubles. Big chair edge to the back of Kane's knee...White calls for the bell. (DQ 3:50) Angle threatens to chair White, then returns to Kane - stomp, whack, whack, whack - every time finding the knee. Angle repositions the knee - WHACK. Angle has a wild look in his eyes here. White finally convinces him to take off. Kane is announced as the winner - but it's *Patriot's* (sorry, Angle's) music that gets played.
Backstage, Triple H and Stephanie are WALKING! A security guard asks Triple H if he could get an autograph. H chastises him for interrupting his conversation with his wife, but signs the paper. For an encore, the guard asks for an autograph from the Rock. Now *that's* chutzpah! H tells him to get his own damn autograph...then they walk off.
Let's take a Special Video Look: Courtesy many media outlets, Ken Valdiserri and Vince McMahon introduce Dick Butkus as the coach of the Chicago XFL franchise. Fast forward time, though I shouldn't have to point out the irony of displaying the espn.com story...which clearly shows the news under an "NFL" heading. Nor would I consider a smartass retort to *Vince McMahon* claiming to the media that "Dick Butkus is the personifaction of the XFL." That'd be like Rick Scaia telling you that I'M the personification of the Online Onslaught.
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) v. AL SNOW (with Head) - say it with me: WHEN HEAD CHEESE COLLIDES! Snow offers the Hand of Friendship...Blackman gives it a sweeping kick. Nice backdrop suplex. Blackman goes outside to find some props. Unfortunately, all he comes up with is a garbage can lid. Snow with a baseball slide kick to the lid to Blackman's head - he pops up and pops HIM with the lid. Snow dragged outside - right, right, right, man, Blackman's got some *stinging* rights. Snow given an atomic drop on the STEEL steps by the Hardcore Innovator. Garbage can lid to the head. Cover on the floor - 1, 2, kickout. Blackman gives referee "Blind" Chad Patton a look that could kill...then goes over to find some more plundah. Meanwhile, Snow seems to have gotten his hands on the ol' hardcore fire extinguisher. Blackman over with a kendo stick...Snow with a blast o' the frost. Blackman staves off blindness, grabs Lawler's water and tries to get a quick rinse. Snow says "here, this'll help" and throws the cooler of drinks on him. They're slipping on the floor now - Blackman's head to the STEEL steps - got him in a front suplex - onto the barricade!! Snow puts him back over the barricade and whacks him with the trashcan lid. Snow ready to bring in the heavy artillery - I see the hardcore bowling ball there. So does Lawler. Snow over with a garbage can - but Blackman avoids it, then sweeps Snow's arms off of the can, causing him to fall forward onto it. Dropkick to the can, which trips up Snow, unfortunately causing him to headbutt Blackman's...little lethal weapon. (Or, as Lawler called them, the "lethal jewels." Blackman going outside again, but not finding anything interesting (why not that duffel bag of weapons?), so he comes back in and grabs the trashcan lid. Snow ducks, kicks him in the gut, then DDT's him onto the lid. Leg hooked - 1, 2, kickout! Blackman put in the corner hard - he slumps in the corner and Snow is ready to grab the bowling ball...got the bowling shirt on, okay, got the bowling ball - oops, he's taken so much time with this that he's failed to notice Blackman getting up and securing a broomstick on his way over - to the gut! BROKEN on the back! Blackman going to his glowstick routine with the broomstick parts - "who's the man now?" Kick - into the ropes - big double thrust. High impact stomp, another stomp, Snow crotches him with the broomstick, then does a bit of a martial arts display of his own - outside they go, bowling shirt is off, clothesline over the barricade and Snow follows - Snow pounding away on him - now Blackman fights back. Both men exchanging big blows and walking near the stage. Blackman taking command - right, right, right, Snow goes over a safety barricade into the side of the stage. Blackman grabs a monitor from the tech table and runs it into the side of Sno'w head. CRASH is out...off the stage with a plancha that takes out *both* Blackman and Snow! Blackman put into a hockey wall...now *they're* going back towards the ringside area! Referee "Blind" Mike Sparks slowly makes his way over as Crash's chaperone - Crash stomping away on the Lethal Weapon. Blackman, who ended up partially under the ring, emerges unbeknownst to Crash with a pair of 'chuks in his hand. Crash in the ring - and now he's just a tackling dummy for Blackman's nunchuks. Three big shots. They go outside and Blackman works him over...meanwhile, Snow is back and he's brought the monitor with him. REVANCHE SHOT! Blackman goes down like a ton of bricks. Now here's TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ - and Snow feels the Tazmission! Tazz takes off (he's got a chain around his neck?) and Blackman manages a cover of Snow out on the floor. Patton over - 1, 2, 3. Blackman retains. (6:16) I guess we'll forget about Crash for now?
Triple H comes back to the security guy and apologises for his earlier outburst. "How bad you want that autograph?" The guy says that really, it's for his son - he idolizes the Rock. Learning that his son is in the arena, H tells him to go get the kid and bring him backstage - he'll see what he can do. Hey, you think something's up?
UPN and their one SmackDown! bumper SUCKS!
And now, the Fastest Slam of the Week - brought to you by Western Union! From RAW, Trish and Lita play with a ladder - this'll hurt you more than it hurts me!
HARDY BOYZ (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) and RIKISHI v. T & A & V (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) - Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Val Venis threw Scotty 2 Hotty off the stage onto a bouncy mat. We learn that Scotty didn't suffer a serious injury, although he *was* shaken up. Everybody meets up on the outside - better bar that door, Katie, this is a Pier Six brawl. Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas decides to go ahead and ring the bell on the assumption that somebody will eventually end up in the ring. Looks like it's Jeff and Venis - Hardy stomping away, standing on the neck for 4, there's a cherry on top. Into the ropes is reversed, Hardy goes behind and tries for a full nelson, Venis slides under and tries for a headlock, but Hardy tosses him over his hip. Three rights to the back of the head - second rope springboard legdrop (sorta - them ropes aren't really springy) - Venis hits a hot shot and a back elbow, elbwdrop combo - then tags in Albert. Hardy ducks a clothesline and dropkicks him into a shot from Matt, falling backward into an inside cradle for 2. Allbert tries to run at him again, running into the boots - you think he'd LEARN. Matt is tagged in here, up to the second rope - tandem legdrop combo coming up. Matt to the chest, Jeff between the legs. Albert put in the corner - Matt on all fours to boost Jeff into a heel kick right on the chin. The Hardyz may call it Poetry in Motion, but I don't. Test comes in but ends up eating a double kick - and HE suffers from the boosted heel kick. Matt working on Albert - whip is reversed, reversed again, Albert connects with a splash - and then runs him into Test's big boot. Venis tagged in - right hand. Right hand, right, Hardy put in the ropes, but he hangs on and the dropkick misses. Matt with elbows and right hands. Whip into the corner is reversed, Venis follows with a clothesline, to the opposite corner and clothesline. Blue Thunder powerbomb. Rikishi thinks about coming in, but Korderas won't let him - behind his back, Venis and Albert switch off. Stomp, stomp, forearm across the back, kick, uppercut, uppercut, kick, right, five stomps (count 'em) - field goal kick while hanging onto the arm - Albert pulls him up so he can do it again. He's got him in the powerbomb position but at the peak, Matt follows through to try a "you can't powerbomb Kidman" - that doesn't work, but he DOES get to knee him in the gut and hit the Twist of Fate. 1, 2, Venis breaks it up. This brings in Rikishi, who plays house on fire on Venis, tossing him outside. As they start to brawl away (and out!), Test thinks about coming in...Jeff climbs to the top and springs off with a corkscrew moonsault...err...legdrop thingy. Venis and Rikishi are outta here, I guess. Geez, the dude with the ass never even made it in. Now the Hardyz punch away in opposite corners. Albert manages to press Jeff over the top rope to the floor. Test shoves out of a Twist of Fate attempt...and Matt ends up shoving Albert over the top rope as well! Test with a gutshot - pumphandle slam coming up. Jeff back up on the top rope - swanton bomb! 1, 2, 3! Test wasn't the legal man, though. Oh well. (4:32) Post-match, Albert gets angry on the Hardyz - Korderas feels it as well, even going so far as to remove his belt so he can choke Matt with it. And now here's a choke for Jeff so he doesn't feel left out. Nice yank on the neck as he lets him loose, but still has him by the belt. Test with a Savage elbow across the ring onto Matt! Albert hits the "Albertbomb" (double choke bomb) on Jeff. Test climbing the ropes to drop an elbow on Jeff...but LITA is limping out, holding her side the whole way - and making it just in time to crotch Test. *She* is climbing up top...plancha onto Albert? No way. He catches her - then directs Stratus to grab the belt and whip her one. Stratus removes her coat (to a great pop) - then crawls over to Lita and pulls up her shirt to reveal a giant bruise on her side - then whips her repeatedly in the affected area. Lawler needs a smoke. Here's a replay. The Hardyz AND Lita are left laying.
Backstage, Triple H meets up with the security guy and his son...he's brought Howard Finkel with him. H says he's brought Howard out to get them to the Rock's autograph - the Rock doesn't have problems with the Fink like he does with Triple H. H suggests taking them to a production office and having them meet the Rock there. Finkel takes them away...aha...I think I see where this is going...
Fully Loaded promo #2 - it's a triple main event, you know
The WWF Burn of the Week is brought to you by Stacker 2! From RAW last Monday, the Rock gets righteous on Benoit.
Back at JB's Pub, we look in on our tag team champions. "We're totally partying in here!" "Yeah, partycy to the max! And speaking of partyin', I really thought the Acolytes were gonna show up! What cowards!" "Total act of cowardosity!" "Yeah!" "Yeah, they totally knew we were gonna kick their booty." "Maybe we should just give them the benefit of the doubt - maybe they showed up, but they got stopped at the door, and they got thrown out before they could even make it up to the bar!" Yeah...yeah...you know what... we should ask somebody, and see if they've seen them. Hey, fellas, hey fellas...you seen any big, uh...beer swilling..." "...umm, cigar chomping..." "...uh, foul smelling..." "...really mean....guys?" "To tell you the truth, no, but...you guys rule!" "You guys DO rule!" "You guys definitely rule!" "Awesome! Barkeep - some Budweisers for our new compadres over here!" "Yeah - keep those umbrellas coming!"
Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice, Fink tells Mike and his father what a great guy the Rock is, and how he'll *definitely* give him that autograph. Rock comes in and presses the flesh. As he signs Mike's program...the door behind him opens and we see Chris Benoit and Shane come in. The security guy and his son slowly back away...Rock looks up, confused - then looks behind him - oops, too late - Benoit waffles him and slaps on the Crippler crossface. Shane lays on some verbal smack as we see Triple H come in and slap hands with Shane - his plan complete. "Hey kid, did you get your autograph?" Some refs and officials come in and separate Benoit from the Rock. Rock ...what's that? Is he actually SELLING?
Consider that in all the ads we've been forced to endure for "Nutty Professor II: the Klumps," we've not ONCE seen Janet Jackson
Moments Ago - three paragraphs ago - Cole explains what just happened for those of you who hadn't figured it out ahead of time - or even as it happened. Lawler asks us if we heard H just say "You guys got my back, I got yours..."
STEVEN RICHARDS is out with - and thanks to a suggestion in email, I'll give in and rename him WALL BUCHANAN. (Actually, I got about a hundred emails, all saying the same thing, but if I say I got *one*, then those hundred people each feel more special. See how it works? This is how I'll make it into heaven when I die - touching many lives through deception!) Richards has a few words. "I am excited to say that I have found one person who regards morality above all else! A man who is willing to fight the good fight! A man who, unlike all you people, knows the consequences of certain actions! That you can not, and I repeat, you can NOT go around half naked, in thongs, putting people through tables! And your language is inappropriate! Let me explain. If there were no boundaries, if there were no rules, then we would live in utter chaos, and that is wrong! Now...I understand that you people may not like me censoring these grotesque displays. But believe me, it is for your own good! And with the help of Mr. Buchanan, and a little luck, our country shall be raised from the depths of depravity, and each and every one of you people will thank us for it." THA GODFATHA (and fourteen - err, seven ladies) is out to offer counterpoint. "I don't know about you people here, but I enjoy my freedom! I cherish all my individuality, baby. I actually love this country and what it stands for! Man, I want to look at beautiful women wearing what they want! I want to say anything I wanna say, when I wanna say it! But best of all, big brutha, best of all, I want right now to take this fist and cram it down your throat!" Godfather hits the ring...and gets punked out by Buchanan. What, it's a match now?
THA GODFATHA (with - yeah, whatever I said up there) v. WALL BUCHANAN (with Steven Richards) - I don't know, he looks more like a member of Creative Control to me. Oh well, sometimes you gotta run with the crowd. So, if I read between the lines correctly, Richards is a member of the Reform party, while Godfather prefers the Libertarians. Either way, I don't think either of them will be happy come Election Day. For purposes of historical chronicle, I will note that Buchanan's "will he won't he" clothesline off the top after the no-hands climb MISSES. Meanwhile, the ho's gang up on Richards (no, not like that) and, while one ho is up on the apron distracting referee "You Expected" Tim White, Godfather looks to be getting a shot at Richards, who has escaped the other half dozen by getting in the ring. But before he can deliver a big fist, Buchanan is up and spinning him back around - Godfather with a block, right, right, turning back and eating a Steviekick. Buchanan with his scissors kick...and the fall. (2:32)
"Just" Joe tries again to stir the pot with the APA - finally getting a reaction out of Faarooq when he relates that Edge & Christian were going around saying they could beat them in a bar fight. "What?! A bar fight? They said that? Well...gimme another one, man. You too much, Joe." Bradshaw offers to put a foot in Joe's ass, and he hightails it. After he leaves, Faarooq noticed that they ARE kinda low on beer. Bradshaw: "I hear there's a bar around here - we might run into somebody we know!"
Wanna watch Fully Loaded at WWF New York? Then YOU'RE INSANE!! Anyway, all hundred TV screens will have "Heat" AND the PPV on, for tickets call...yeah, like I'm giving YOU the number. Get a life! (Visit wwfnewyork.com if you REALLY want the poop)
THE GHOST RIDER (with his Beautiful Titan Bike) v. BIG BOSS MAN - SmackDown! is brought to you by the Lorillard Tobacco Company's Youth Smoking Prevention Program, Foot Locker, and 3DO's Army Men: Air Combat. Hey, I thought these guys were FRIENDS! Undertaker is quick to start - kick, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, elbow, we look up to see KING KURT ANGLE attempting to stalk at the top of the ramp. Back in the ring, Boss Man feels the Irish whip to the opposite corner - followup lariat. Off the ropes with another clothesline. "Power to the people" salute. Undertaker puts Boss Man in position for...well, not the tombstone, I'm sure - sees Angle and drops Boss Man to shoot HIM a look. Angle quickly decides discretion is the better part and walks off. Boss Man from behind with a forearm, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, damn I think that's a new record. Choke in the corner. Meanwhile, Angle has come back down the ramp with a bag - containing a bucket of something (it is helpfully marked "CAUTION" for our benefit). Undertaker, having absorbed an inhuman amount of punches, trades places with Boss Man and starts in with the rapid-fire leftsoupboneleftsoupboneleftsoupboneandsoon combo - but we look back to Angle, who is pouring ... something caustic onto that Beautiful Titan Bike! Angle points to Undertaker - who takes off after him. Angle runs away while Undertaker looks at his bike. NOW he decides to go off after him. Replay shows that Angle got some on his boot, but not enough to hurt...I guess. Whatever it was, it was white.
Backstage, the Undertaker is WALKING! Wow, I thought he needed his Lark to get around. Angle ends up coming up from behind with a (not) metal wrench! Angle seems to be focusing on Undertaker's knees. Hey, how do they synchronise that cheesy "ping" sound with Angle's wrench swinging? And why do Undertaker's knees sound like they're made of solid metal? Finally, we see Kane off in the distance, limping towards Angle...who takes off. The camera spins around to try to catch him - and a member of the crew HITS THE DECK in order to avoid the camera catching him. Sure looks like he's got a piece of clangy metal in his hands when you watch it in slo-mo, though...don't it? We also see a bunch of refs and officials *just standing around*...I guess they're not into saving the likes of the Undertaker.
Fully Loaded promo #3 - thanks Twix!
Moments Ago - ping - ping - ping - ping - ping - ping - and so on. I only have one question: Did the Boss Man win by countout, or was it a no contest? We learn that Angle has fled.
Meanwhile, at JB's Pub, the Acolytes enter...and find the three compadres. "Hey, you guys, uh, you guys seen some like uh, real long-haired, blonde haired uh, sissy-type guys probably wearing, uh, flowerty pants?" "Yeah, you know, beach type guys - you know, surfer lookin' guys, you know - sound like women, real cute, a little (waving hand in "eh" motion) 'pretty.'" "Yeah, they left five minutes ago - they told us to (pointing in chest) leave you a message." "I'll be DAMNED." And the brawl is on - the Acolytes dispense with the five or six guys that go after them, then demand the bartender tell them where Edge & Christian went. He *does* confirm they left five minutes ago, then stooges them out on which door they used.
Meanwhile, the unblinking eyes of the WWF cameras have caught our tag team champions in a nearby alley.
Back to the door. Bradshaw: "Don't worry, we gonna get 'em Sunday - in Texas!" Faarooq promises it'll be a great homecoming for Bradshaw.
We take another look at Edge & Christian hiding behind a fence.
The Acolytes walk by the fence - Edge & Christian emerge and breaks 2x4's over their backs - after some stomping, they bundle into their car and drive off.
Shane, Benoit, Stephanie and Triple H are all WALKING!
Promo for wwf.com - now the slowest site on the 'Net! How's it go..."if it ain't broke?"
Wait, maybe it goes "if you only have one bumper, don't bother."
And now, the WWF Rewind, brought to you by the Lorillard Whacko Tobacco Company! From RAW last Monday, Jericho acts as wildman to Triple H.
THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Ono) and CHRIS BENOIT (with Big Skippy) v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO and LA ROCA - We start with about 13 minutes left in the show - well, we *do* have four entrances to get through...they sneak in a Fully Loaded spot here, but do NOT mention Twix. What's up with that? Jericho decides to wait in the middle of the ramp for the Rock to come out - they both hit the ring simultaneously and a Pier Four brawl breaks out - Jericho with Helmsley and Rock with Benoit. Benoit gets tossed, Rock follows. Jericho puts H out and HE follows. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner decides to ...I guess he goes and grabs a drink as I don't see him either on the ramp with Rock and Benoit OR at the commentary table with Jericho and H - and our commentating pair of kings, MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. Jericho putting H's head into the table. Rock with a nutshot out on the ramp. Ah, there's Hebner - content to watch...and half-heartedly suggest this get somewhere in the vicinity of the ring. H manages to counter a slam attempt, dropping Jericho on the announce table. Meanwhile, just after putting Benoit in the ring, Rock finds himself eating a few forearms from Shane...who puts him in for Benoit. Knife-edge chop, chop, chop, back to the commentary table where H deposits Jericho in Cole's lap - much to his chagrin. Back in the ring, Rock is firing back - right, right, right...NOW KISS THAT--oops, H hooks his arm and prevents him from throwing the *dreaded* "I just spit in my hand" right. So Rock blocks H's punch and pastes HIM with it instead. Benoit with a clothesline on Rock - stomp, stomp, sotmp, stomp, stomp, stomp, here's a shot of Jericho holding his ribs to move our story along, Benoit puts Rock's head into the buckle, chop, tag to H, right by H, kick, kick, kick, right, nasty look for Jericho (who has made it back to his corner), right for Rock, into the ropes, head down, alleged swinging neckbreaker by the Rock - tag to Jericho, open kick, right, right, right, right, right, right, kick, kick, sotmp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Right, into the opposite corner is reversed, Jericho puts up the boots - clothesline. Kick, right, into the ropes is reversed, Benoit tries to sneak one in but Jericho gives HIM a forearm...then turns back into a gutshot - or should I say, "ribshot?" H kicks the ribs. Knee to the ribs. JERICHO IS DDP! H drops a knee. Tag to Benoit - open kick to the ribs. Benoit with elbows. Into the ropes, kick right in the ribs. Benoit drops him ribs-first on the top rope. Benoit goads the Rock into distracting Hebner - H flips Jericho back into the ring over the top rope. Back in the unfriendly corner, tag, kick by Benoit, kick, Helmsley puts his head into the turnbuckle, shoulder into the ribs, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder - wow, I think H found a new move to abuse! H shoves Hebner away as well - golly, he won't like that. Into the ropes, knee into the ribs. Cover - Jericho kicks out at 2. Tag to Benoit, open kick. Into the ropes, Jericho ducks a clothesline from Benoit, back elbow - Jericho with the Lionsault...onto the knees, ooh! Benoit drops an elbow, stomp, stomp, stomp, stompm, stomp, stomp, Jericho falls outside. H is over - and dropping him on the STEEL steps as Hebner keeps Rock in his corner. Benoit covers - Jericho kicks out at 2! Knife-edge chop, tag, kick, chop, kick, kick, chop, H doesn't miss a beat, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, Hebner FINALLY manages to pull him off. And now he's a bit more perturbed as H gets a shove from him. As they argue, Benoit is choking Jericho out in their corner. Rock trying to come in but Hebner won't let him. Jericho trying to punch back, right, right, right, into the ropes, head down, facebuster by Triple H - oh, I guess tonight it's a ribsbuster instead. Shot for Rock. Kick, Pedigree attempt coming up - no, Rock's milked this for all the drama he can - time to come in and lay out everybody. Clothesline for H, one for Benoit, one for H, right for Benoit, gutshot and DDT for Triple H, spinebuster for a running Benoit, right for...Hebner?!? YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TELEVISION!! (DQ 7:44) We are quickly reminded that Rock can lose the title Sunday if he gets disqualified (ohhhhh) as Rock stomps away on Benoit while Jericho manages a springboard dropkick onto H out on the apron...then holds his ribs. Shane is up on the apron...that'll give the Rock a chance to pull HIM in over the top rope, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Shane goes outside, flops over the commentary table, and puts Lawler in a headscissors - no lie. Back in the ring, Rock gives Benoit Rock Bottom and punches away - H in with a chair...but before he can waffle the Rock, Jericho is in and putting H in the Walls of Jericho! Benoit up - Rock putting him in Sid Vicious' Crippler crossface!! Benoit actually TAPS for our benefit...did H tape out as well? He *is* nodding his head... Neither man will relinquish his hold - and both seem to have a wild look in their eyes. Crowd chants "Rocky." Crowd SUCKS. Stephanie now crying for the refs and officials to get him to break the hold. Finally, both men are pulled off. Crowd raises its voice - credits are up - and we're done until FULLY LOADED!