/17 August 2000
If I smell it, it must be UPN Thursday!
TV-PG-DLV One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Opening credits - close captioned
PYRO GOES BOOM we are on tape 17.8.2K (taped 15.8) and en espanol donde sea disponible from the Worcester Centrum in Worcester, MA - this IS UPN, this IS Thursday, and this IS...WWF Smackdown!
"No Chance in Hell" brings a fearsome foursome to the ring - SKIPPY, THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE ONO, and KING KURT ANGLE. I'm guessing they won't wrestle in this segment. "McMahon. What word do you think of when you hear that name?" Crowd: "Asshole?" "No, I can assure you it's not that. You see, the word McMahon - what you're thinking is, the word McMahon happens to be synonymous with...power. Synonymous with success. Ruthlessness comes to mind. And to quote my friends Edge & Christian, awesomeness. But the one thing that McMahon is truly synonyous with happens to be...family. And you see, family - this is where Shane O Mac happens to be truly blessed. Because I not only have one family, I have many families. I have my actual family - the lovely, talented and beautiful Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, my sister. I have my extended family - which I've said in the past, Hunter, you're a hell of a guy...my brother-in-law, Triple H. And, of course, representing my professional family, yours and my Olympic Hero. Ladies and gentlemen, Kurt Angle. Which takes us back to last Monday night. You see, like most families, this family had to tread a little rough water. However, unlike most families - unlike most of you, ["Shane's a pussy!"] Whatever. Unlike most of you, you see, my family was able to solve their problems, and we were able to pull it all together, and yet we are a better family because of it, so allow me to take you back to last Monday night, and show you exactly what I was talking about, let's please, roll the footage. Right after Kurt Angle did the Olympic Slam and took the Rock out, WHAM, right all of a sudden, yes. Triple H setting up the Great One FOR the Pedigree. That is how you take care of family problems - quite simple, in the middle of the ring. And talking about problem solving, look at that right there - freeze that - that's a perfect shot. Oh yes, now that happens to be the McMahon 2000 Christmas card; however what is not shown on that picture is one of these two gentlemen, of course, will be wearing World Wrestling Federation gold around his waist. I'm just very sorry, Stephanie, that you were not there to witness that." "I'm sorry, too, Shane. Looking at the image of my brother raising the hands of my loving husband Hunter - my good friend Kurt - in victory makes me beam with pride. Butcha know, there's only one thing that could make me even happier - it would make me very happy, my brother, my father, and all of your adoring fans...to see the two of you shake hands right here in the centre of the ring." Anxious looks are exchanged. Angle: "Triple H, I'm sorry I've brought up the fact that you used to wrestle in Hog Pen matches. And didn't accomplish much early in your career. You're a tremendous athlete, you really are - it's true, it's true - and my good friend's husband. And you know what? I would be happy to shake your hand." Kurt extends the Hand of Friendship. H asks for the mic. "You know, Kurt...I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry that I called you a jerk - I'm sorry that I called you an Olympic twerp - I'm sorry about all those comments I made about you lookin' like a girl standing on the Olympic platform cryin' like a broad - sorry, man, but you were. And Kurt, I'm sorry about the comments I've made that, you know, even though I am a four-time World Wrestling Federation champion...that YOU have never even come close to winning the World Wrestling Federaticon championship - but that's all right! You know? Hey...it's not your fault - not everybody can be as good as me, y'know? But Kurt, I'm sorry for all those things. And if it's gonna make my beautiful wife happy, because after all, I am all about satisfying my wife, am I not? Then Kurt, I will gladly shake your hand." There's the handshake! Stephanie applauds and now all four share a group hug. This'll probably bring out COMMISSIONER McFOLEY - well God DAMN this is some predictable sumbitch we're watching, ain't it? I can't BELIEVE this is kicking the WCW's ASS every week! Clearly the American viewing public are MORONS! "Thank you. Hey, listen, guys...["Fo Ley"]...thank you, thank you very much. I wanna admit to everybody right now that I was very emotional listening to the extended McMahon family back there. With you guys talking about Christmas, man, that brings up some good feelings, too, because I love Christmas. I mean, let's face it - I leave a lot of my Christmas decorations up year-round - I've even got a children's Christmas book coming out in a couple of months! It's true - it's true. And...since you are kind enough to share with me and all of us, the McMahon Christmas 2000 Christmas card, I'd like everybody in this arena to share the Foley family Christmas card 2000 - take a look. There it is right there. Aww, it's a Kodak moment, folks. Go ahead, Kurt - go for the gusto - OH MY GOODNESS! Hahahahaha...oh yeah, I like to spread a little Christmas cheer, but unfortunately, there is one very special member of the WWF who doesn't have a lot of Christmas cheer to go around, and that person is the Rock. No, after Monday night, the Rock's not very happy, and he was talking to me earlier tonight and he said something - I've even written it down, and it says...'Mick, I don't care how you do it, but the Rock will lay the smack down on all their candy (beep)s.' Wait a second, it would not be fair to put the Rock in a handicap match, nor would it be fair to put the WWF title on the line this close to SummerSlam, so the big decision is...who will the Rock face In That Very Ring tonight, here in Worcester, Massachusetts? I cannot actually pick which one of you gentlemen should face the Rock. Should it be Olympic champion Kurt Angle? Should it be three-time WWF Cham--sorry, Triple H, four-time WWF Champion Triple H? Or maybe former European champion Shane O Mac? Or should it be another champion...the Woman's champion...Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley? I'll tell you what, I'm not going to make that decision - your happy, shiny All-American family is going to make that decision. So why don't the four of you all go back to your dressing room - form the - the tribal council - and vote one of the family off the damn island and Into That Very Ring? So think about it...and have a nice day!"
To a dressing room, where our lecherous cameraman has found Terri preening in front of a mirror. Kat enters this room. "Oh, tramp?" "Yes, trash." "I just wanted to let you know that um - that handsome partner of yours...you know, THIS GUY (makes a face) may have gotten lucky against Al Snow and I last week, but, um - guys are used to gettin' lucky when they're around you." "Well, at least I can get a man - and keep him longer than a week!" "Well, um, just so you know I found someone else - and after we win tonight, we're gonna rub your face in it." "Listen here Miss Trash, you go and you get whomever you would like - *this* match will be over quicker than your career." Terri spits her gum at Kat - Kat grabs her hair - Terri grabs HER hair. They finally let go - and Terri shoves her to the ground. "See ya in the ring, Trash."
Here's a look at WWF New York - where a giant SummerSlam ad has taken over the hugeclick.com space
In the dressing room, Angle and H lobby Shane to take the shot tonight. Shane tells his sister that they should discuss it outside. "Don't forget the medals! I have the medals."
TERRI & PERRY v. KAT and PHAT in steamy intergender action - yep, those of you astute enough to figure out Kat's speaking in code already know that it's Rikishi coming out with the Kat. Tonight, titles are on the line! Eddie Guerrero gets a shot at Val Venis, Chris Benoit takes on Steve Blackman, and Terri's got Kat by the hair again. There's some blatant chokin' goin' on, and that's a slap. Hey Kat, say no to crack! Terri with a scoop (!) ... and a slam (!). Kat actually loses a heel in the process. Kat put in the corner, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, and Kat reverses again to put Terri back in the original corner. Kat to the second rope - monkey flip! Kat with a clothesline. Cover, leg hooked, 2. Sheesh, Kat's got crack AND a wedgie - are we sure this is UPN? Tag to Rikishi. Terri spies it just in time and crawls to Saturn for a tag. Saturn walks into a right, right, right, into the corner, Saturn goes up and over, throws a forearm when Rikishi follows in, springing to the top, but Rikishi catches him in a choke on his way down. Saturn slips it and hits a Northern Lights suplex (!), right, off the ropes, into a Samoan Drop by Rikishi. Kat jumps up and down for the tag. Kat's not too bright - maybe she's a REAL blonde. Saturn makes with the choke - Kat counters with a kick in the nuts. Terri comes in and the catfight begins anew. Terri with a single leg backtrip and they're assuming the position again. Rolling about. That's it, I'm gonna go masturbate. You stay there 'til I get back. Here's Saturn with the blind clothesline. Running at Rikishi, who dumps him to the outside and follows out. Unfortunately, he misses seeing Terri cover - amazingly, referee "Blind" Teddy Long does not. 1, 2, 3. (2:03) Rikishi puts Saturn in the STEEL steps, rolls him back into the ring, and comes in the ring himself to splash Saturn. Saturn flumps to the mat...and Rikishi perks right up. He's warming up his cheeks! Terri is over to distract him with...a spank? As you might guess, this has no effect. As he turns to deal with her, Saturn tries the sneak attack - that dude must have eyes in the back of his ass. Right to Saturn, superkick, and Saturn falls back to the corner. Terri tries a sleeper - THAT has no effect. 'kishi backs her into the corner...and SHE flumps. Rikishi perks right up AGAIN and looks her way. Who's he gonna do? Looking this way - that way - this way...he decides on Terri. Saturn AGAIN tries to sneak up on him, and AGAIN he's caught. RIKISHI DRIVER!! DAMN I've missed seeing that move. Rikishi back over to Terri...he can't do it. Kat eggs him on - the crowd eggs him on - well, I think he CAN do it now. And so he is. Kat jumps up and down a lot. Kat in Rikishi's arms.
Kurt Angle tells Triple H what an American Hero he is. H tells Angle how tired he is of hearing the Olympics story. Shane comes in and tells them that this is about Foley trying to drive a wedge between them - they can't let it work! Shane says he and Stephanie have decided that...Shane will take the shot. Angle and H BOTH take offense. H: "This is worse than HIM facing the Rock!" Angle: "What are you talking about?" Shane: "I got it. I got this."
Rock wants you to bring your vote - I think. wwfvote.com
Buy RC Edge - where caffeine is the centre of your being. Their poster collection features Austin (who?), Rock, Chyna and Edge!
Can they still use that UPN bumper if Big Show is gone to Ohio?
Commentators hype "the Hughleys" - with an indirect hype for "The Kings of Comedy," which stars D.L. Hughley. Does Spike Lee enjoy wrestling?
WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna and SmackDown! is brought to you by Western Union, Army Men: Air Combat and Crunch 'n Munch) v. BALD VENIS (with Trish Stratus - the Fitness Model) - Guerrero ducks a clothesline from a charging Venis, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, sheesh, into the opposite corner hard. Dropkick to the head while Venis is on his knees. Outside we go - Guerrero with a right, whip into the STEEL steps. Going for another whip, Venis reverses and puts Guerrero onto the barricade. Stomp, stomp, stomp, right for Chyna (yikes!), rolling Guerrero back in - to the back of the neck. Neckbreaker. Kane is in the building! 1, 2, kickout by Guerrero. Undertaker is around as well...will they meet? Venis working on the back of the neck, I guess - come to think of it, that's not a bad plan. Elbow to the back of the neck, karate chop, another, stomp, stomp, stomp, Guerrero with a gutshot, Venis rakes the eyes. Into the ropes, head down, kick by Guerrero. Venis off the ropes, Guerrero with a back elbow. Right, right, lariat. Into the ropes, reversed, Venis going for a flapjack but Guerrero stays on and whips off a 'rana. Nine quick rights by Guerrero. Venis whipped, reversed, Guerrero holds onto the ropes, then drops down as Venis comes in...taking him over the top and to the outside. Guerrero pulling him back in by what's left of his hair...but Venis drops down and throats him on the top rope. Chyna over to Venis - POWERBOMB (drop) from the apron to the floor!! Chyna puts Venis back in the ring as referee "Blind" Jack Doan finally spies some outside interferin' and tells her to back off. Venis is dead weight as Chyna rolls her in - Guerrero puts an arm on Venis - 1, 2, shoulder up! Stratus is over to the commentary table, and grabs Lawler's pitcher of tea - then breaks it over the back of Chyna's head! In the ring, Venis hits a schoolboy rollup - 1, 2, 3. Huh? Oh well. Maybe Eddie was distracted or something. Anyway, Venis retains. (3:24) Replay of the powerdrop...and Stratus breaking the pitcher. We'll never know how Venis made the pin.
In the dressing room, Stephanie hooks up with her brother. She's got a plan. She doesn't think he should face the Rock. She also doesn't think Hunter or Kurt should face the Rock. "It should be...me." She says she's got a plan that involves all four of them. Shane's not up for it. "But Shane...it would be champion versus champion!"
Did I tell you that tonight I'm in my adopted hometown of Modesto, California? I mention this because Sacramento's UPN 31 has some really SUCKY local ads compared to my normal UPN 44 in San Francisco/San Jose. I *will* say that this Del Taco ad is rather amusing, however.
Moments Ago - haven't I seen this TWICE already? And BY THE WAY, how come Chyna and Trish don't get along when we SAW how chummy they were in that SummerSlam ad...
Chyna hits up the Commissioner for a piece of the bimbo. Foley says he can't give her that match tonight - and not even for SummerSlam - she'd tear her apart. Foley offers a Venis/Stratus vs. Guerrero/Chyna match for SummerSlam instead. Foley: "Personally, I like the wet look." Chyna okays the match...then proclaims Stratus "dead meat."
THE ACOLYTES & CRASH (with Let Us Take You Back) v. BIG BOSS MAN & KAI EN TAI - yup, there was some doin's at the Friendly Tap on Monday. Boss Man's got something to say. "Faarooq - Bradshaw - I'm disappointed in you boys. You oughtta be ashamed to pick on those two little guys like Kai En Tai here. You're nothing but a couple bullies - and that's what I despise most in this world! That's why me and my two little Chinese buddies--" They try to correct him. "Shut up! I'm trying to talk! I said shut up! That's why me and my two little Orimental buddies here wanna show you do what we do to bullies tonight." Crowd: "Boss Man Sux!" Faarooq and Taka start - I don't see potential in this matchup. Faarooq with the gutshot, right hand, right, right, into the ropes, Taka slides under, tag to Funaki, crucifix, Funaki dropkicks him over. Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas thinks about counting a fall but it's a moot point as Faarooq pops up and clotheslines him. Funaki off the top rope...into a powerslam. Crash jumping up and down - he wants the tag. Faarooq tags him. Kick, right, right, in the corner with a kick, kick, kick, kick, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, Crash gets a knee up, running clothesline is ducked, Funaki with a death suplex. Tag to Boss Man, into the ropes, big boot. Cover...both Acolytes break it up and get to poundin'. Into the ropes, double shoulder block. DX takes on Too Cool tonight! Undertaker's arrival is imminent! Double neckbreaker by the Acolytes. Korderas gets them outside. Crash dropkicks Boss Man - into his corner, where Michinoku makes a blind tag. Shot to the throat of Crash. Another right palm. We see Boss Man walk up the ramp as Taka taunts the Acolytes by lifting Crash's arm towards the direction of his corner as if to tag...then pulling it away. Another uppercut to the throat - Funaki has finally gotten his partner to notice Boss Man has left. Michinoku: "What the hell?" Crash taken off the ropes, drop toehold, Funaki in to put him in the camel clutch for the "bow and dropkick in the face" spot. Kai En Tai do their dance. Michinoku Driver! Both Acolytes come in AGAIN and wipe the mat with the smaller men. Into the ropes, Faarooq spinebusters Michinoku while Bradshaw powerbombs Funaki. Dominator for Michinoku. Crash off the ropes, Bradshaw slams him onto Taka - 1, 2, 3. (2:35) Guess who the legal men were. God, I love it when they do that right. I hope Kaientai gets a piece of the Boss Man down the road!
Stephanie talks to ... herself? The cameraman? The millions of viewers? "Champion vs. champion..." All three men come in and tell her they won't let her take on the Rock. Shane says that Triple H will get the shot tonight. Angle takes offense - Shane tells him it's nothing personal, but he got the last shot at the Rock, so that's how it was decided. Angle says this isn't about who got the Rock last...he knows it's all about Monday night. "This is about you telling me I have no integrity. About me being friends with your sister - there's...sexyooal tension or whatever. That's what it's about, it's about the fact that Triple H can't accept that I'm friends with his wife! And that you can't accept that I'm friends with your sister. Well I can't accept this decision - no way - I don't accept this - that's wrong." I should note that Triple H has a giant shit-eatin' grin during this whole exchange.
Here's one more look at those TV Guide covers that have Heat reporters all over WrestleLine spankin' it
CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO is out to provide a little guest commentary. Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Benoit cost Jericho a title
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) v. CHRIS BENOIT (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box and Skippy - his friend) - Champion enters first because he's the Lethal Weapon. We learn that earlier this week on wwf.com, Mick Foley announced that the Benoit/Jericho SummerSlam match has now been made a 2-out-of-3 falls match. Now THAT'S good eatin'. Jericho fails to call Benoit "Benoyt." Benoit starts right off - gutshot, elbow, gutshot, elbow, elbow, one more kick to the gut, into the ropes, Blackman ducks a clothesline, Benoit ducks a roundhouse kick and clotheslines him down. Benoit with another elbow. Into the corner is reversed, Benoit hits sternum first and Blackman dropkicks him in the back as he backs up. Blackman outside for plundah - three garbage can lids are put in the ring. Back inside, Blackman has a lid - lid to the knee. To the back. He's done with that one - next one. "This is my house!" Benoit ducks the backhand swing with the lid - but not the next shot to the head. Into the ropes, Blackman presses him up, lets him drop, and brains him with the lid on his way down. Leg hooked - 2 from referee "Blind" Chad Patton. Jericho tells us Blackman was beating up Benoit back in Calgary in '86. Benoit holds onto the whip attempt, boot to the midsection, another gutshot, knee, shoulder to the post. Benoit finds a strap. Kick, strap around the neck, right, pulling him to the opposite corner by the strap (sorta), elbow to the mush, pulling into the corner by the strap, scoops him up...and ties him to the Tree of Woe. Kick. Benoit outside, got the strap - and pulling on his neck. Yow. Blackman manages to free himself with a handstand and falls backwards to the mat. Benoit pulls Blackman outside, elbow, Benoit pulls him over the barricade by the strap. Benoit pulls him back up and over to the barricade - then throws a right to send him back. Pulling him towards him again - and another right. Right. Benoit ready to climb the barricade to meet him - but Blackman busts out a superkick and Benoit falls back to the ringside area. Blackman back over. Benoit in the ring, and he's got a pole. Swing and a miss. Blackman decides he'd better arm himself as well. Benoit outside, Blackman sneaks a kick to the abdomen before Benoit can swing the stick. Blackman pops up with a pair of batons. "Oh yeah!" Blackman in the ring and puting on one of his old glowsticks displays. Benoit tentatively approaches the ring - Shane on the apron, distracting Blackman for just a moment - Benoit tries to take advantage, but Blackman ducks down and goes low - to the stomach. To the back, leg sweep, we watch Shane pick up a kendo stick and miss something cool (I know this because everyone in the audience said "ooh") Blackman going for his scoop-and-stick-in-the-crotch but Benoit elbows free. Standing switch by Benoit - German suplex - holding on for two - holding on for three and releasing. Benoit picks up a baton - Blackman ducks another swing and spins around with a martial arts kick that finds the mark. Blackman rolls outside and finds a kendo stick - but Shane is behind him and he swings HIS kendo stick. Blackman falls like a ton of bricks. Shane puts Blackman in the ring for Benoit. Benoit slaps on the STF...Jericho decides it's time for him to come in - chair to Benoit. Shane tries to come in, but thinks better of it when Jericho looks HIS way. Meanwhile, Blackman has an arm on Benoit - 1, 2, 3. My MAN has a victory over Chris Benoit and you CAN'T take that away from him. (4:53) Post-match, Benoit puts Blackman in the Crippler crossface. The refs and officials are out but having a less than stellar success rate at getting him away. Benoit's music plays as he leaves.
Kurt Angle is WALKING! Stephanie catches up and asks him where he's going. "Steph...I don't belong. Look at it - I don't fit!" Angle says he knows when he's been voted off the islan. "Steph - my feelings are hurt. I've gotta go!" Steph tells him that SHE knows he's got integrity (as well as intelligence and intensity). "I'm not gonna be where I'm not wanted - I've gotta go!" Stephanie makes her "puppy" face.
SummerSlam triple threat match promo. Rock sounds like Steve Austin when he says "on ALLLLLLLLL your candyasses!" Doesn't he?
They sneak Rock into this "Hughleys" ad - crazy
First "Highlander: Endgame" ad of the night featuring Edge - must be a small part since he hasn't been in any of the OTHER ads so far
Where yo Lugz at, yo? The WWF Boot of the Week is Lita performing several death-defying moves - and eating a Stevenkick - from RAW.
EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. D-VON DUDLEY (with Buh-Buh Ray Dudley) and JEFF HARDY (with Matt Hardy & Lita) - Later tonight, Right to Censor will address the crowd! "We realise you people here in Worcester have a very limited vocabulary, but we would like to add a new word for you. That word is 'heinosity.' Because that's exactly what Mick Foley has done to us!" "And when it comes to SummerSlam, we refer to the TLC match as Totally Lacking Coolness! We refuse to acknowledge it as Tables and Ladders and Chairs." Crowd: "Oh my!" We are told that both Buh-Buh Ray and Matt are unable to compete tonight due to injuries sustained on Monday - Buh-Buh's got a pretty nice shiner. Jeff goes right to Edge as we start. Head down, kick by Edge. Edge off the ropes, Hardy limbos to duck the crossbody. Christian in - Hardy punches, right, D-Von in, double into the corner. D-Von on all fours for Hardy's Poetry in Motion! Edge comes in and Hardy sweeps his leg. HE'S going to hold him for the "wassup" spot! D-Von does his war dance while Hardy punches away. Buh-Buh Ray onto the apron because even though he can't compete, he can STILL say "D-Von, get the table!" Christian with a kick to the nuts from behind to put Hardy down. He and Edge go to work on Hardy. It's *truly* heroic how referee "Blind" Jim Korderas can somehow manage to miss out on ALL this action. Christian back outside; so's D-Von. Kane is still waiting for Undertaker, apparently. Edge with a scoop...and a slam. Edge to the second rope - going for the double axehandle, but Jeff dropkicks upwards to stop him. Hardy tags Dudley. Right for Edge, right for Christian, Edge into the ropes, big back body drop. Christian put in the corner, flying jalapeno. Ducking a clothesline from Edge, jumping inverted DDT gets 2 - Christian makes the save. Dudley with a right for Christian - then turning back into a spear from Edge. Edge covering, but we see Hardy climbing to the top...swantonbomb! Oops, he hit Dudley insetad of Edge - Edge covers for the fall (2:00) and as we see Dudley refuse Hardy's apology with a shove, I'm thinking that MAYBE the Dudleyz and the Hardyz just might have a kernel of some problems developing going into that big TLC match...HEY! BOTH MEN WERE LEGAL! Also, Christian was never legally in this match. Interesting, no? ("Only to you." "Ahhhh. Well, nobody FORCED you to read this far.") Lita tries to make peace between the two men. Buh-Buh Ray enters the ring and casts a wary eye to Lita...now Matt is in, spinning Buh-Buh Ray around and asking him "what are you thinking, punkin?" Well, I don't think he liked that as now all four Boyz are going at it - Lita not knowing what to do to stop them. We look back to the top of the ramp, where our tag team champions are rather enjoying all this. Cue the refs and officials...it's pullapart time!
The Rock will be a guest star at the Source Hip Hop Awards 29 August! The Rock! The Rock!
How about an exterior shot of the Centrum in Worcester? It still says "sold out" on the marquee, to coin a cliche.
There's a long, loving pan of Kane - feet to head...to shadow
RIGHT TO CENSOR are out to say a few words. DX and Too Cool next...if this bores ya. Buchanan: "When my two little daughters, the lights of my life, when they come to me and they say 'dad, why can't we watch you on TV?' I have to tell 'em that it's for their own good. What I wanna tell 'em is that I work for a company that promotes filth as entertainment! What I wanna tell 'em is I work for a company that promotes violence and what I wanna tell 'em more than anything is that I'd be ashamed of what they'd see." Cole: "So leave!" Lawler: "Yeah, take a hike! McDonald's is hirin'!" Let me lay out for a minute and see if I understand this. The commentators disapprove of Buchanan's right to free speech AND the way he raises his daugheters? Weren't they all high and mighty with "I'll raise my family the way *I* see fit" not just a short week ago? And worst of all...will any of those WCW idiots who always complain about my bias notice I just poked a major hole in a WWF storyline without me making a big production out of it? Too late, baby! Ask for CRZ by NAME! Back to Bull: "We hope you people understand that what we are doin' is for you...and for my two daughters. So that they can look back one day and say 'my dad helped make this world a much, much better place.'" Goodfather: "Each week, Steven Richards and we, the Right to Censor, we stand out here with nothing but your best interests in mind! Why can't you people see that? Please, please, please, if you people would just LOOK at our views - LISTEN to our message - all we want is what's right for ya! We just want you to live the right way." Geez, what's SO WRONG with that? I tell ya - these guys speak the TRUTH. Why CAN'T you give them the chance? What's so bad about wishing the best for people? I think I need to sign a membership card or something. Richards takes it home: "We have been criticised as of late for our recent actions against women here in the World Wrestling Federation. What we did to Lita and what we did to Victoria may be frowned upon by some, but please - do not judge us by the severity of our actions. But DO judge us by the strength of our convictions! Now...we stand before you today like any other day - with hope in our hearts, and fire in our spirits. We have informed you - we have educated you - we have begged you - and we have fought for you! And now...we are warning you. NO...MORE." Crowd: "Asshole!" "We do not want filth - we do not want gratuitous violence. And most of all...we do not want scantily clad women. The Right to Censor will stop at nothing - or nobody - to obtain our dream of a world where you can keep your houses' doors unlocked at night. A world where you can turn on the television and see nothing but good, wholesome family entertainment. Not this world that you people live in! Where a child, your son, your daughter, your niece, your nephew is forced to view THIS..." and we see a clip of Rikishi's ass. "It is quite obvious that women are not the only ones who need to change their ways here in the WWF. And if Rikishi does not cover up his disgustingly vulgar, fat rear end, then not onlywill we censor him, but we will show each and every one of you just what it means to fight the good fight. And it's for your own good."
Meanwhile, Kane pounds on a garage door. Is Undertaker on his way?
And now, the Right Guard Xtreme Rewind! Brought to you by Right Guard Xtreme! From RAW last Monday, Kane inexplicably turned on his brother in something that Vince Russo was probably planning ten months ago.
X-Pac hooks up with Road Dogg - time for their big match. Dogg wants to know what's up with the little snicker he's had since Monday. "You still got something on your nose. Heheheheheheheheheheh..." Dogg says toinght they take it out on the shorties...Too Cool.
Meanwhile, Kane decides he's had enough and starts upending various items in the vicinity.
Thanks to a variety of sources, we see a selection of clips of Chyna and the Rock at the Democratic National Convention. EVERYBODY has picked up on President Clinton's entrance, and we are helpfully shown a shot of Clinton... WALKING! followed by a typical shot of the Rock... WALKING!
Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE and JERRY LAWLER. After patting themselves on the back for being so great about getting wrestling fans to smack down their vote, they turn to talk of the SummerSlam card. For the WWF Championship, a triple threat match with the Rock, Triple H and Kurt Angle. Chris Jericho takes on Chris Benoit and it IS two out of three falls. TLC stands for Tables, Ladders and Chairs, and the tag team titles are on the line when Edge & Christian meet the Dudley Boyz AND the Hardy Boyz. King says he'd like to see the Undertaker and Kane go one on one. One match we WILL see is the King vs. Tazz.
Let Us Take You Back to Monday where Tazz had some words for Good Ol' JR. At this point, I need to make a CORRECTION: Jennifer White (yes, THE Jennifer White) sent me an email pointing out that I misquoted Tazz, and missed another deadly jab in the process. Tazz said: "...why don't you tell these people why you wear that dumbass cowboy hat?" The *correct* quote following this was Tazz' answer: "TO HIDE YOUR FACE!" Of course, Lawler made the save.
As we come back to the commentators, Lawler starts to promise Tazz what kind of opposition he'll see come SummerSlam, when TAZZZZZZZZZZ pops into the picture and slaps on the Tazzmission on the King! King goes out cold, OLD SCHOOL style, even mustering up some good spittle. The refs and officials quickly pull Tazz off him - leaving Lawler laying. Better go to break!
Moments Ago - JUST in case you missed it. I'm starting to think they do this because they KNOW we can't help but flip around during those four minute breaks, and if they eat another minute with a replay, they can get people flipping back without them really MISSING anything.
Kane is now WALKING!
D & X (with "the Kings" and Let Us Take You Back) v. TOO COOL - "Cut the music!" Before Dogg can say any more...or after a quick edit...Too Cool's music starts up and here they come with nothing more to be heard from our poet laureate of the WWF. DX surprises Sexay & Hotty and we're on with a Pier Four brawl. Cole flying solo this segment, by the way. Punching away in opposite corners. Each DX'er whips a man to the centre, Sexay ducks and Hotty flies in with a forearm smash to Road Dogg! X-Pac runs...into a powerslam from Sexay. Let's all dance! Dogg sent into the corner, where X-Pac already was. Sexay superkicks Dogg, Hotty off the ropes with a bulldog for X-Pac. Yeah, it's been thirty seconds, I was WONDERING why they haven't worked to the Worm spot yet. The Worm actually HITS (still only about :45 elapsed - oy) - Sexay up top and he's donning the goggles...but Dogg is back up and over - shoving Hotty into the corner, crotching Sexay. Dogg has Hotty in the pumphandle...but X-Pac tries to grab him away to give him the X Factor.Dogg pulls - X-Pac tugs - they BOTH throw him through the ropes to the outside and now they're in a shoving match! But before anything good can happen, KANE appears. Dogg in a choke, big boot for X-Pac as he runs at him. Chokeslam for Dogg. Choke...and chokeslam for X-Pac. Kane asks for the mic. Hmm, let's call it (no contest 1:23) while I'm here. Okay, go ahead, Kane. "Why did I chokeslam mah brother? I accept what I am. What I always have been on the inside. I...am...a MONSTER!" You know, *I* don't think that's enough of an explanation, but I have a sinking feeling that's all we're gonna get. Well, I think he's just earned a new nickname. Tune in Monday to see it. On the OvalTron, we see the Undertaker - and he's WALKING! Well...limping. I guess walking all the way from Providence to Worcester in under 24 hours will do that to you. "American Badass" interrupts Kane's music and now THE GHOST RIDER is out. Several refs and officials attempt to form a human wall in front of him, but you can't be phony tough and crazy brave when the Reaper is coming to steal your wayward soul (Hi, OSCS.) Undertaker hits the ring and doesn't even need a mic, what with all the wild gesticulations. Kane drops his head and walks off - Undertaker spins him around and does some more yakkin'. Kane again drops his head and walks off - and 'Taker spins him around again. 'Taker just needs to slap him one here and SET HIM OFF. No, wait, I kinda like 'Taker. He can stay, he doesn't need the beatdown. 'Taker shoves Kane in the face. Kane shakes his head and walks off again. "What, are you gonna run now? YOU GONNA RUN?!" 'Taker pulls him back in the ring - and Kane hauls off with a right. Well, now you've done it. Right hand. Undertaker tries a right - Kane with a big boot. Another boot and Undertaker goes outside. He borrowed that jacket from Viscera, you know. With Undertaker against the commentary table, Kane punches him about eight times. Head to the table. Kane with a chair - WHACK! WHACK! "Get up, brother! Get up!" Kane sure got not retarded pretty quickly, didn't he? Kane chairs 'Taker in the head one more time. 'Taker actually blades (the man BLEEDS?) to sell that last one. Kane stomps on him, says something unintellgible...and walks off to his own music.
SummerSlam Triple Threat match promo #2
That song by Blaque in that "Bring it On" ad - that's a total ripoff, music-wise, of the Time's "Gigolos Get Lonely Too" - RIGHT? I'm not going nuts here, right? I must have at least *one* R&B fan who can help me out with this conundrum. Right? What? YOU? Great! TELL ME! Me and Morris Day demand a second opinion!
Triple H blasts through his work out with MetaCuts. Save 40% in August! (Golly, that's SOME markup)
Jerry Lawler returns and gives us his opinion on what happened Moments Ago. I have been asked to remark that "KANE IS A DEMON FROM HELL" - I don't know *why*, but...hell, why not.
THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Ono & Skippy & Chef Boyardee - who presents SummerSlam 27 August) v. LA ROCA - Triple H will appear on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (which is not a UPN show) tonight! Instead of the Rock, it's COMMISSIONER McFOLEY instead. "Now listen, I know everbody is waiting for the Rock to come out - but I do have an important announcement that I neglected to mention. Now I know, I know I stated that this would be a nontitle matchup, but in addition it is also a non-McMahon-at-ringside matchup. But before I escort the two of you out of the ring, I can tell that the two of you wanted a championship match - Shane, YOU wanted a championship match tonight, didn't you? And even Stephanie had the guts to want a championship match tonight - Stephanie had the guts to ask for a championship match. So I'm gonna grant both of you your wishes - not tonight, but Monday night, Stephanie - you are going to defend your Women's championship...because you've got the test- you've got the ovariological fortitude to put your belt on the line against Lita. And Shane O Mac, you're going to step in and compete for the Hardcore championship against Steve Blackman. Come on, c'mon...you guys have to leave the ring. I'm going to escort you, we'll go backstage and we'll talk over championship strategy - now get the hell out of the ring!" Damn, it'll SUCK when my man has to job the title away to Shane. Well, THAT ate up another five minutes - the Rock is FINALLY out and here we go. Third man in the zebra shirt is Mike Chioda. Rock and Triple H look to be talking politics before the bell. H finally tries a punch and the opening bell rings - Rock blocks, right, right, right is blocked, H with a right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Rock meets him with a back elbow before he can bounce, into the ropes, reversed, head down, swinging (sorta) neckbreaker by Rock. Right hand takes H outside the ring to the floor. Rock goes outside. H's head meets the commentary table. Head to the commentary table - three more times! Rolled back into the ring, Rock follows. H ducks the forearm and hits his neckbreker. Rock sells it for a while, then pops up and delivers the forearm shiver, knocking H down. Right, right, into the ropes, head down, H kicks. H runs into a Rock Bottom attempt, but quickly elbows out. H ducks a clothesline and catches Rock in a death suplex. Right hand, kick, kick, stomp, shoving away Chioda, stomp, standing on the neck. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, shoving away Chioda again. That was eleven punches, right? Oops... no pun intended. H with a vertical suplex. They zoom in during the crotch chop prior to the running kneedrop...which gets 2. Right hand puts Rock on the mat again. Right hand. I wonder what H will do next. Right hand---whoa, Rock has it scouted and blocks it! Rock with a right, right, right...into the ropes, head down, facebuster. 1, 2, kickout. Nice to see Rock is back to never accomplishing anything with an Irish whip. H picks up Rock - Rock with a right to the body, right, right, now to the chin with a right, right, right, Rock off the ropes but H is following him and catches him in a sleeper. Rock reverses to a belly-to-belly suplex! Both men are down and Chioda puts on the count. Crowd chants "Rock E." Both men up before 5. H tries a right, Rock blocks it and throws...a right. H reels. Rock once again with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine." Right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT R--oh, he missed with it again. Maybe he should stop spitting in his hand? Anyway, Rock IMMEDIATELY connects with a right after H ducks that one before. Rock with ... a right. There's a ... right. Into the ropes, H tries to reverse it but Rock shoves him back the other way instead. "Modified belly-to-belly" gets...2. Rock tries a clothesline, H ducks and hits the high knee. H going outside, climbing to the top...THAT MOVE NEVER WORKS! Rock over to beal him back in the middle of the ring. That's the *other* reason why I call him Ric Flair, by the way. Rock with a gutshot and DDT. Cover - 1, 2, H rolls the shoulder up. Rock with a ... right. Whip is reversed, H shoves Rock towards the ropes - unfortunately, causing him to crash right into Chioda, who tumbles 4 ya - all the way to the outside. H clotheslines Rock. Right, right, into the ropes, reversed by the Rock, spinebuster! Rock setting him up for the most electrifying - no, wait! KING KURT ANGLE is back and he's got a chair! Rock with a ... right. Angle drops the chair. Right, right, right, Rock Bottom -- doesn't happen as H hits him from behind with an uppernut. Angle has the chair once again - WHACK. H tells Angle to get the ref while he puts Rock in the Pedigree. Angle removes the chair and rousts Chioda. Pedigree finds the mark. Chioda over with a Hebner-esque "Oh I'm injured and therefore I must count very, very slowly" count - 1..... 2....... 3! Triple H pins the champ. (7:25) Angle, backing up to the top of the ramp, is al smiles. Commentators speculate that Angle was proving his integrity tonight. H meets Angle at the top - HANDSHAKE!! H raises Angle's arm...credits are up...and we're out.