/14 September 2000
Sadly, it took me all of about ten minutes to get
annoyed with NBC's Olympic coverage. It would just KILL them to show
ANYTHING live, wouldn't it? After all, you can't put in ADS if you show
the thing live, right? And is it just me, or is it more fun to listen to
Andres Cantor call a match when you only understand about 15% of what he's
saying, 'cause he's speaking Spanish? Of course, I should at least wait
for the *Opening Ceremonies* to start complaining, right? NAAAAH
The Rock says UPN!
TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Close captioned - Opening Credits
Hit the PYRO! For a second night this week, we're at the America West Arena in Phoenix, AZ and tonight, en espanol donde sea disponible! Airing 14.9.2K (taped 12.9) on the UPN, THIS is WWF SmackDown! We're ALREADY five minutes behind, so...
Just like on Monday, COMMISSIONER McFOLEY leads off tonight's festivities. Tonight: Jericho and the Hardys take on X-Pac, Edge & Christian! Rock! Kane! Undertaker! Benoit! Triple H! Kurt Angle! They're all here and I'm sure they'll be put in matches in about fifteen minutes. "Now I know a few months ago, when Vince McMahon left to become a genetic jackhammer, his wife Linda made me the WWF Commissioner...thank you...now a lot of people thought I had absolute power and answered to nobody, and while that's largely true, it's not exactly true, because I do answer to somebody, and that somebody are the fans of the World Wrestling Federation. Believe me, I'm not just saying that to suck up, because if I wanted to suck up I'd say that somebody includes the fans right here in Phoenix, Arizona! So, in listening to the fans and in giving them what I thought they wanted to see, on Monday night I set two matches for Unforgiven. One, Triple H versus Kurt Angle...with your WWF Commissioner as Special Referee. And second, I made a Fatal Four-way match involving Kane, the Undertaker, Chris Benoit and the Rock. That sounds great - there's only one problem, you see I don't think the participants in those two matches can keep their hands off each other until Unforgiven; I think Triple H, Kurt Angle, Benoit, Kane, the Undertaker and the Rock would tear each other apart! Thereby ruining our pay-per-view, and putting me in a position where I would be forced to have Al Snow in our main event. And no one, and the Mick means NO ONE, wants to see that happen. So what I've done, is I have come up with a special plan - a foolproof plan to ensure that all the participants make it to Unforgiven. And I'd like to express that plan to everybody right now." Just like Monday, IF YA SMELLLLLL is out to interrupt. "Seeing as the Rock didn't say it on Monday night, he's sayin' it tonight...finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Phoenix! (edit here?) Now, Mick Foley, the Rock'll make this short and sweet. If you think that going into Unforgiven, the Rock is a targeted man, well you're absolutely right. But if you think the Rock isn't gonna make it to Unforgiven, you're wrong. Do you actually think that the Rock is gonna get taken out before Unforgiven and unable to defend his WWF title? Is that what you think? Well, Mick Foley, with all due respect, the Rock wipes a lobster's left testicle with what you think. The only thing that matters is that you get the Undertaker, get Kane, get Chris Benoit and the Rock will do exactly what he does best, and that's layeth the smacketh down on ALLLLLLLL their candy(beep)!" Foley asks for the mic back. "Now something you just said has me a little bit concerned, and that is...lobsters don't have testicles, Rock...and I know, because I have looked. Speaking of looking, I want you to look up there at some footage that I saw in the back on Monday night that concerns us all."
Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Rock and Undertaker had a chat prior to the main event. (Go read the RAW report if you missed it, I got no TIME for you here)
"Now you saw it too, Rock. There is a look about the Undertaker, and I can't exactly explain what it is, but it scares the hell out of me, and I know it's the same look he had in June 1998 when he threw me off the top of the Hell in the Cell..." HEY HEY HEY HEY continues our cavalcade of entrances and theme music as he walks out...and up to the ring. "you know, Foley, I ain't the kinda guy that hides his feelings well. And just because me and the Rock, we ain't friends, that doesn't mean I'm gonna take him out. Just because me and Austin never seen eye to eye doesn't mean I'm gonna mow him down with a car. But make no mistake about it, I am the kinda guy that gets what he wants...and what I want right now...YOU have." They go nose to nose and Foley tries to get between them. "Wait wait wait wait wait...wait wait...Taker, Taker...and you'll get a chance to get what he's got, but not until Unforgiven. At Unforgiven, you'll step in the ring with the Rock, and you feel free to battle for the richest prize in our sport." Here comes CHRIS BENOIT - because this *is* the World Entrance Federation! "Hey Foley! Before you start rattling off your, uh, master plan - I can tell you that whatever it is...it's gonna suck!" "Ass Hole!" "Last Monday night, we had a tag team match - Rock and Undertaker against me and Kane! And what was the end of that match? Well, since you obviously have a very short memory, let me show you."
Let Us Take You Back to RAW. "Reverse jackknife - 1, 2, 3. That's right! It was me pinning Undertaker! And what was the reward for that match? A fatal four-way? Well, that's great Mick, that makes a lot of sense! But of all the participants in that match, *I* was the better 'wrestler' - and neither you, Undertaker, or Rock can prove me wrong! And finally, WELL IT'S KANE is out to complete the quinella. "Benoit - I'm not interested in proving you wrong - what I'm going to do is to all the people who call me inhuman, who call me a freak, who call me a monster - I'm gonna prove them right." Foley: "K, hold on hold on hold on. Now all I've been trying to do here is explain my plan. Now if may proceed without any interruptions...all right. What I'd like to do is this. I'd like to take the members..." Aw shit, KING KURT ANGLE is out for yet *another* entrance. "Mick, I'm sorry to interrupt, but all of this is nonsense! I mean, WWF Championships can be won and lost at any time - it's not like, say...Olympic Gold Medals, which can forever brand you as a winner. What I'm trying to say is...although all this is important, it pales in comparison to the bigger issue here, and that is the health of Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. Last Monday night, Stephanie was brutally attacked AGAIN by her husband, Triple H. Let's take a look at what I mean."
Let Us Take You Back to RAW. "Now look at this - this is terrible! Hey, Mick! Look at that! You talk about outrageous! Now I KNOW I can control myself until Unforgiven, but I seriously have my doubts about Triple H. I mean, he SAYS he loves his wife Stephanie, but look what he did to her there - it's true! It's true!" And finally, THE NEW MAN is out - *unlike* all these other folks, he doesn't bother with the yakking and makes a beeline for Angle - only the timely intervention of a Foley waistlock prevents his success. "Triple H, Triple H! Hold on, hold on - dammit, hold on! Hold it! I do have a plan and it's a good one - and just let me say it - just let me say it! I know you want to tear Kurt Angle apart, and believe me, I don't blame ya. And if you two, and if all of you want to destroy each other at Unforgiven, that's great! But to ensure that it won't happen until then - to ensure that you won't destroy each other...tonight, you will TEAM UP with each other. No, it's the only way. So I propose, no I'm not proposing, I am saying there will be a series of matches with the team of T&A facing the team of Triple H and Kurt Angle. And the team of Kane and Benoit taking on the Acolytes. And that match will be an Acolytes Rules match, which pretty much means there are no rules. Undertaker, Rock, the two of you will also team up one more time, right here in Phoenix, Arizona - and you will be taking on the tag team of the Dudley Boyz. And because there seems to be an awful lot of aggression in this ring, I'm gonna make that match a table match. If any of you refuse to work together as a team (post-production here?) and if there's anyone who decides to get physical with their partner during their match, that person is out of their match at Unforgiven. (snip) That's the way it's going to be, and that, Kurt Angle, is final." "You know something, Mick, that's fine with me, but I'd like for you to add an amendment to that. Not only should we not have any physical contact with each other, but I don't think anyone and their spouses should have any contact with each other as well, because let's face it, it can only lead to trouble, if you know what I mean." Angle's music plays as Foley continues to stave off Triple H's approach in his direction. Meanwhile, in the ring, Benoit and Kane decide to start working as a team early as they both beat down the Rock. Undertaker is content to walk up the aisle...but he stops...gives a dramatic "God DAMN" and turns back to throw soupbones to Benoit. Tossing him through the ropes, he's content to leave his brother alone with the Rock. Kane got him in the choke - Undertaker walking away as Kane delivers the four storey chokeslam. Kane's music plays as HE walks back up the ramp. That's twenty minutes you'll never get back.
Chyna likes brains and brawn. And Stacker 2
Moments Ago, Undertaker saved his partner from Benoit - but not from Kane. Dig that CRAZY chokeslam.
Earlier Today, Eddie Guerrero fixed his hair while sitting in a car.
ACOLYTES v. CHRIS BENOIT and WELL IT'S KANE in an Acolytes rules match - why didn't they just STAY out there? Did we NEED to see their entrances AGAIN? Benoit stands at the base of the ring and waits. The Acolytes decide to go outside to meet him, so he slips in under the ropes while they do that. They go back in and Benoit tries to get the jump on Faarooq - allowing Bradshaw to kick away, then lace the arms and hold him for some open shots from Faarooq. Repeated rights from Faarooq. Into the ropes, double spinebuster. NOW Kane decides to make his entrance. Faarooq pounding away on Benoit while Bradshaw awaits Kane - right hand, right from Kane, right from Bradshaw, right from Kane, und so on. Kane with a knee, right, and Bradshaw goes outside. Kane with a forearm to take down Faarooq. Bradshaw pulls Kane outside, chop, right, chop, back inside the ring where Faarooq is trying to set up the Dominator, but Benoit escapes the grip, turns around for a waistlock, German suplex, holding on for two, and because we all know the third one NEVER hits, we go outside to watch Bradshaw and Kane - Bradshaw has the bell, but Kane clotheslines him before he gets a chance to use it. Back to the ring, where Faarooq reverses a whip, but Benoit takes him down with the armbar and clamps on the Crippler crossface! Outisde, Kane meets the STEEL steps and Bradshaw is able to come back in and break the hold with a stmp. Stomp, POWERBOMB. Bradshaw hooks the leg, but Kane pulls him back outside at 2. Bradshaw, meet the post. Post, Bradshaw. Faarooq stomping Benoit - into the ropes, spinebuster, leg is hooked, Kane saves again. Kane with an uppercut for Faarooq, kick, right, into the opposite corner, sidewalk slam. Benoit is walking back up the aisle. Kane with a clothesline for Bradshaw - and then a look to Benoit. Apparently, Kane wasn't watching the Ovaltron, or he'd have seen the Acolytes coming up from behind and giving him the business. Benoit breaks out a toothy grin. Into the ropes, Kane with a double clothesline. Benoit stops smiling. Kane with a clothesline to take Bradshaw to the outside. For Farooq, it's a big boot off the ropes. Kane looks to Benoit again - and fails to see a top-rope Bradshaw shoulderblock heading his way. Acolytes with a double neckbreaker. Kane still manages to get Bradshaw in a choke, even while on his back. As he stands up, Faarooq comes off the ropes and clips him. Kicking the back of the legs as Bradshaw gets up a good head of steam - clothesline von Hades! Each man hooks a leg - 1, 2, 3. (3:45) Benoit's smile quickly fades as Kane quickly sits up and takes off for Benoit.
Backstage, Triple H hits Foley's office and says he it's not fair that everybody but him got to talk in the opening segment - and takes a few minutes to expound on that theme. Foley stresses that he and Angle WILL team up tonight, and they CAN'T fight each other, or it will ruin their match at Unforgiven. Foley admits "Maybe I stepped in and messed with your marriage - maybe I'm to blame! But it's gotta be that way because I'm the commissioner and because I said so!"
Chris Jericho eats his Chef Boyardee Overstuff Ravioli...on ice??
Meanwhile, Too Cool and Rikishi eat their Crunch 'n Munch...on ice??
Here's another exterior of the America West Arena, where the palm trees ALWAYS have Christmas lights.
Here's a Special Video Look at Eddie Guerrero and Chyna - mostly highlights from RAW. "Nude pictures my BUTT!" "Eddie, don't ruin this for me...."
Earlier Today, at least three of the WWF cameras caught Eddie driving his red ethnic car up the driveway to Hef's pad with the intentions of talking to the man in charge. A large muscular guy (who we will hope isn't a wrestler) answers the front door and fails to know what Guerrero's talking about when he says "mamacita." "Look, Ese Lurch - just do your job, okay, go get me a Pepsi, go call Mr. Hefner, okay? And there won't be a problem between me and you, all right?" "Look sir, you're gonna have to leave." "No, maybe - maybe you don't understand who I am, ese - you're talking to the WWF intercontinental champion, okay?" Geez, that doesn't really carry the credibility that it would if he'd actually walked up wearing the belt, though. Anyway, Guerrero rants a bit until finally *mentioning* Chyna - this, the guard DOES now. "You mean, Chyna - the 9th Wonder of the World?" Guerrero is ready to offer the guard some latino heat - he's gonna stop those pictures from coming out - he's got until the 25th (cha-ching!), and he won't stop until he's ensured that nobody sees his mamacita nekkid. A second, slightly less tall but equally buff guard appears at the door and asks if there's a problem. Guerrero rants a bit more about people seeing Chyna nekkid - he needs to take care of it now, before the 25th. "You better calm down, or else we're gonna have to all the proper authorities." Guerrero tries to rush the door, but they stave him off and shut it in his face. Guerrero fights with the air in front of the door for a bit, then stops and puts his glasses back on. "'kay, it's cool, it's cool..."
We look to a dressing room, where Chyna is making a scene, packing up and taking off.
Outside the door, KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY plays Jim Gray/Mike Tenay: "Chyna, with Eddie's most recent actions, do you see your relationship coming to an end?" "I can't believe you..." and off she walks. Kelly's expression doesn't change, God bless 'im
UPN bumper is the only time you'll see Big Show tonight (well, maybe he's still in the opening credits - I'm too lazy to go back and check)
Commentators shill "The Hughleys" - only on UPN!
All *four* members of RIGHT TO CENSOR are out. "I said, cut our music! There hasn't been a lot of talk about who hit Stone Cold Steve Austin - a man we can thank for the moral demise of the World Wrestling Federation with his finger gestures, beer swilling, and vulgar mouth. And although we were not sorry to see Stone Cold go, I can assure all of you that we had absolutely nothing to do with it, as well as other things." Well, I'd HOPE not, they've only been around a few months! As for the other things, it's probably to Val Venis (RTC outfit, except with white shoes and pants) to explain *that* comment: "You all think I was brainwashed, don't you? Well I wasn't. You see, there was something missing from my life, and I didn't know exactly what that something was until I met Steven. You see, I'm not proud of the things I've done, or the examples I've set, and when I was told by Steven to look back at the things I did in order to get ahead or to be popular, or to put gold around my waist, I was asked two very simple questions. Number one, did the choices I made in life help me to become a better person? And number two, did my actions help to make the world a better place? The answer to these two questions was simply NO!" "Save the ho's!" "The Right to Censor helped to open my eyes wide for the very first time, and I realised that selective censorship is not wrong, but turning your back on the ills of this world IS wrong! You see, I was so caught up in the happenings of my own life, I couldn't even see the evils in which grew around me, so as long as there is breath in these lungs and blood pumping through these veins, I will stand side by side with my brothers and we will fight the good fight against violence, fight the good fight against vulgarity, and of course fight the good fight against scantily-clad women!" Goodfather applauds. Crowd boos. "The World Wrestling Federation is going to change, whether it likes it or not! So, the reality of the situtation is this - the Right to Censor has a new member, so Rikishi, Too Cool, why don't you come out here and meet him."
BALD VENIS & GOODFATHER & WALL BUCHANAN (with Steven Richards) v. RIKISHI & TOO COOL (with Mandy & Victoria...and SmackDown! is brought to you by Stacker 2, RC Edge and SEGA!) - Cole tells us that Sexay needed fourteen stitches after Guerrero's beltshot gashed up his ear...so that was REAL blood Monday? Ewwwww! Buchanan jumps Hotty and we're on. Right left right, right, into the ropes, duck, flying forearm by Hotty, cover for 1. Right by Hotty, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, Hotty avoids the followup, but Buchanan clotheslines him by surprise as he turns around. Tag to Venis. Open kick, right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, follow clothesline, suplex, 2. Venis puts the head in the buckle, into the opposite corner, Hotty gets the boots up, and hits a clothesline. Both men down - crowd doing the American Males clap - tag to Rikishi! Right, right, right for Buchanan, right for Goodfather, Samoan Drop for Venis, double clothesline for the other two. Venis put in the ropes, head down, Venis tries a sunset flip, but Rikishi drops the butt. Tag to Sexay - goggles are on, and there's the Hip Hop Drop. 1, 2, Buchanan pulls him off. Rikishi puts him in the corner, puts up a superkick to prevent Goodfather from attacking from behind, Buchanan put in the opposite corner, Sexay sent in for a butt splash, Rikishi with a clothesline, Hotty off the ropes with a bulldog...time shall now stand still while we wait for Scotty's W O R M. Cole: "Steven Richards finds it disgusting - *I* find it funny as hell!" Me: "You're BOTH chumps." Buchanan rolls to the outside post-karate chop, Goodfather gets a Sexay right to fall off the apron - meanwhile, Rikishi has found *Richards* up on the apron, and pulls him in. Sent into the opposite corner, fat ass splash, Richards flumps down - will he get the stinkface tonight? Yes! (They must be ready to release him?) While referee "Blind" Teddy Long gets pulled down by Richards, Buchanan and Goodfather pull out Too Cool and it all breaks down on the outside. But out from the crowd appears EDDIE GUERRERO, and he's got some mace for Rikishi. On the outside, Rikishi holds his eyes while Guerrero stomps away. Hotty tries to pull him in the ring from behind by the hair, but Venis is up to HIM from behind, and hits the Blue Thunder powerbomb - 1, 2, 3. Well, Venis was legal, anyway. (3:47) We'll probably come up with a cool name for that later - "censorbomb" seems like the odds-on favourite. Outside the ring, Guerrero continues to pound on Rikishi, using the mace canister to load up his fist...then puts him into the STEEL steps.
Backstage where Trish Stratus inspires Test. "Tonight, we have a chance to kick the (beep) of four-time WWF Champion Triple H." "You know, the guy that stole your wife?" "No, the guy that got my leftovers!" "Baby, we're gonna go oot there, and we're gonna kick their (beep) - and not only a champion, but an Olympic gold medalist." "You mean the Special Olympics. We're gonna take his gold, and we're gonna take his pride. And we're gonna show him what T&A is all about." "And if that Stephanie gets involved, I will personally take her down." Didja notice how they had Cole talk over the "Special Olympics" crack? Maybe somebody had second thoughts about letting that one get through...
Meanwhile, Kurt Angle is WALKING!!
So...like the Slim Jim guy WANTS the kid to drown? Geez, I don't think I'd want to buy food that wants ME to DIE...
Moments Ago, I'm surprised Rikishi didn't just EAT that pepper spray. He *is* a large man
THE NEW MAN (with the TV-PG-DLV ratings box and Let Us Take You Back to RAW) and KING KURT ANGLE v. T&A (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) - somebody else is calling these tag team matches "Zero Tolerance Matches" after the fact, but that sounds kinda lame, so I'm not going along with it. Angle and H having a discussion about starting - apparently H wants Angle to be his guest. Angle promptly turns around and eats an Albertline. Right hand. Scoop...but Angle breaks free and lands on his feet. Going for a waistlock - Albert with a back elbow, another, off the ropes into Angle's drop toehold. Angle floats over to the facelock...but Angle picks him up and deposits him in the corner. Repeatedly driving the shoulder here. H is getting a kick out of Angle taking this punishment - now applauding Albert. Stomp, stomp, tag to Test. Into the ropes, double back elbow. H is smiling broadly - but that stops when Angle manages to crawl over and tag out (rather hard, at that). Angle: "Oh, what are you gonna do? You gonna hit me?" But of course, he can't do that - turning around, gutshot from Test, right hand, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Test ducks the clothesline, but not the high knee. H with a right, right, wow what a suplex. H smacks Angle for the tag. Test breaks up the attempt, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, belly-to-belly overhead suplex. In the corner, right, right, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, words for referee "Blind" Tim White, who wants it out of the corner. Angle asks H to put up the boot - he grudgingly complies. Test reverses the whip and ANGLE feels H's boot. H cracks up from this. Angle shoves H off the apron to the floor - H pops up and back in the ring...but holds back on the fist. Test comes in, leveling Triple H. Another right, right, tag to Albert. Albert kicking away, right, head to the buckle, into the opposite corner, clothesline is ducked, and Triple H hits a hangman's neckbreaker. Right, right, into the ropes is reversed, head down, facebuster. Off the ropes, Stratus grabs the ankle and trips up Trip. H turns to face Stratus...just enough of a distraction that, when he turns around, he runs right into the bicycle kick! But Albert can't capitalise. As he tags Test, we see that STEPHANIE ONO is walking out to the ring. Now it's *Angle* with the big grin. Test turned to watch this as well, though - so Triple H is back on top with the punching. Into the ropes is reversed, boot by Test, gutwrench powerbomb(!) ...for 2. In the corner, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, and so on. H blocks a right and hits one of this own. Repeat. Right by H, right, right, right puts Test down. Shot for Albert on the apron as well. Right for test, right, Albert comes in and waffles him from behind - Test with a sidewalk slam. Into the corner, do si do scream whip. Albert goes to run H into Test's boot, but Stephanie is holding Test's ankle down and he can't move. Stratus quickly moves over To Stephanie and pulls her down by the hair. Angle is over too late. In the ring, H ducks the big boot, clotheslines Test, ducks an Albert clothesline and punches HIM out of the ring. Outside, we see Angle checking on Stephanie...H is over to grab Angle by the chin and bring him into the ring. He rares back...and stops. Angle DARES him to hit him, sticking out his chin in the process. H wrestles with his emotions JUST long enough for Test to grab him in a full nelson slam. Leg is hooked...1, 2, 3. (5:49) Angle walks out smiling, but Test apparently saves the match at Unforgiven...say, if Angle REALLY doesn't want the match at Unforgiven, why doesn't HE just pop Triple H one? That would seem to be a *major* plot hole. Somebody alert the "CRZ is biased" crew for me.
While Foley works on a little welding (I guess) in his office, Tazz approaches. "Tazz, how are ya? Has the mood changed yet?" "No, the mood hasn't changed. Listen, I want out. I'm done with it. I want my contract done, I want my unconditional release, I want outta this place." "Tell you what - we'll get to that later, but first off I want to ask you what you think about this - this is my children's book - see Kane? The elf's looking at him and he's so scared he's actually making a little bit of peepees right there--" "See, that's exactly what I'm talking about - this is exactly what I mean. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of you not doing your job when it comes to me, your stupid books, your stupid office, your stupid hats. I'm sick of this. I'm gonna spell it out for you, I *quit*. Q-U-I-T!" "First off, Tazz, I don't think my book is st - is - is stupid, and second off, I kid around with you because I like you - I may be the only one but I like you, and I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna book a match with you and the King one on one at Unforgiven, how's that hit you?" "It don't hit me, 'cause the same thing's gonna happen again - someone's gonna interfere, I'M gonna get screwed, I'm sick of it - I want out! I quit!" "No, wait, wait, I'm gonna do one better. I'm gonna guarantee you and Lawler at Unforgiven, that you can't touch the King until the match and the King can't touch you. In other words, no one's gonna screw with you. Does *that* sound good?" "That sounds all right." "All right, one more thing. (lowers helmet - and voice) Tazz. I am your father." "AAAHAHAHAHAHA! That's great, I like that - no touching, right?" "No touching." "Deal."
Our commentary team is a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. Lawler readily accepts the match.
Moments Ago, Stephanie Trish Kurt Triple H Test 3
EDGE & CHRISTIAN hit the ring. "Greetings to all of our fans in Phoenix! Now we realise, having endured the likes of the Suns, the Cardinals and the Diamondbacks, it must be nice to actually have some winners within your state boundaries!" "But on a serious note, we just wanted to come out here and say that we TOTALLY had nothing to do with Stone Cold Steve Austin being hit by a car last November. That was heinosity to the max. And if we had a time machine, we would go back and stop it from taking place, because that's the kinda guys we are." "Edge, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but - ah - don't you remember? We DO have a time machine!" "Dude, I completely forgot! Yeah, and seeing how at Unforgiven, after we beat the Hardy Boyz - yet again - and retain our tag team titles, I figure we might as well put that time machine to use...and bring back...the Hardy Boyz..of the future!" "Why? So we can see if they've learned anything from a lifetime of embarrassment and beatings by us?" "No...to see if they've finally learned how to talk! So without further ado, straight from the year 2050, I give to you THE HARDY BOYZ." Out come two old dudes in Hardy shirts - hey, I didn't know Matt was a Navajo! "Holy future shock, Christian! Hardyz of the future, it's a pleasure to see you. How do you feel?" Jeff: "How do ah feel? 2XTREEEE--(cough cough)" "It's nice to see things haven't changed, but Hardy Boyz, I have a question for you - are they still spelling things with Z's instead of S's in the future?" "I'm kinda cold and hungry." "I bet. Hungry for action, that is! What do you say we practice the spear for old time's sake?" The Hardyz assume the "guns" position as LITA's music fires up...but that must be the Lita of the future, complete with thong, low-ridin' pants (yikes!) and a big charcoal smudge all over her right shoulder where a tattoo might have once been. "Whoa - Lita of the future, time sure beat you down and dragged you through the mud. I didn't realise you were here!" "I love......PRUNES!" I lost it at this point. "heh - well - Christian, you know what they say...Lita will do a Hardy for anything. (a beat) I mean, Lita will do *anything* for *a Hardy*. My bad." "Dude, dude, haha - time travel rules!" "Yeah. Whaddayasay - let's spear them for real." But out comes COMMISSIONER McFOLEY. "Edgester - Christian - that was definitely awesome, but I happy to know for a fact that those are not the real Hardyz from the future, because if they were, they would have been able to tell you that not only did they take you on at Unforgiven, but they did so within the confines of the unforgiving, bone-breaking, fifteen foot high steel cage! But let's just say, let's just assume for a second that those were the real Hardyz of the future, and even though I know this may be a major break in the space-time continuum, what I'd like to do right now is introduce you to the Hardyz and Lita of the present! And out run the HARDY BOYZ OF THE PRESENT, who quickly take it to our champs. LITA is behind them. Beatdown culminates in the triple suplex (listen for the "ready? 1 - 2- 3 - go!" just prior) and posing for all.
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: PERRY (with Terri) v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - Do you ever worry that Terri's breasts are going to break away and declare their independence? We take another look at our commentary team where, by a shocking coincidence, TAZZZZZZZ has appeared and run off a front row spectator, claiming he is sitting in his seat. Tazz is apparently mic'd, 'cause he's clear as a bell on the TV. Tazz tosses handfuls of popcorn at the commentators. "What up, King? Hey, good ol' MC, what's up buddy!" Tazz produces a sign with "TAZZ" and an arrow pointing downwards underneath and holds it above himself. "Hey Ma, lookit me, I'm on SmackDown! I made it, Mom!" The sign says "THUG LIFE DEAD" in the reverse. Blackman has *signs*! He's made it, baby! Saturn goes outside to meet him and it's on. Blackman punches in bunches. Saturn rolled in, Blackman goes for the weaponry. Saturn tries a dive through the ropes, but Blackman brains him with a trashcan lid on his way out. Blackman's found his sticks - and his catchphrase! "Oh - IT'S PARTY TIME!" Saturn gets a couple hundred stick shots in two seconds. "Not done yet!" Blackman goes for his "stick in the crotch" slam, but Terri leaps on Blackman's back and holds on. Blackman manages to grab Terri, but this is SmackDown!, so we can't see if he showed off her ass to the crowd or not. By their cheering, I'm thinking that just maybe, he did. Saturn saves his manager by whacking Blackman with a STOP sign. Tazz is very loud. Saturn with a right, into the barricade...and over! Saturn grabs a lid and follows - lid to the head, another lid shot. We look at Tazz throw popcorn. Blackman's turned it around - Saturn back over the barricade and Blackman with a Lethal Kick from the top of the barricade to the floor! Unfortunately, he rolled his ankle on the landing and can't quickly follow up. Blackman puts Saturn back in the ring - lookit Tazz - Blackman sets up a can in the corner - whip into the can is reversed, Blackman pulls up and jumps and over...nothing. Saturn dropkicks him into the can. Northern Lights suplex gets 2 - Tazz is quick to remind Cole what that move was, tapping him on the shoulder - hey yeah, he CAN have physical contact with *Cole*, right? Of course, that means Ross can have contact with HIM as well...hmmm... Tazz is throwing popcorn like he was Rip Taylor with confetti. Saturn tosses Blackman outside, and Terri holds him in place with a waistlock for Saturn's Asai moonsault! "Slobberknocker, Lawler - SLAW - BER - KNOCK - ER!" Saturn rolls Blackman back in as RC Edge provides the Double Feature. Saturn's got another can, but as he comes off the corner, Blackman kicks the can right into Saturn. Cover - 1, 2, 3. (2:51) Tazz yuks it up and displays his sign again. Then he smacks Cole with it. Cole holds Lawler back. That was FUNNY! (I guess you had to be there.)
Kevin Kelly interviews the Undertaker. "It's no secret - Rock and I, we're just not friends. Hell, we don't even like each other. That's not gonna stop me tonight from being a professional and gettin' the job done with the Rock as my partner. But you know what? For the Rock's sake, he just better hope he doesn't (beep) me off."
Chyna shills Stacker 2 again
And now, get ready for some Maximum Power! Delivered by RC Edge Maximum Power cola! From RAW, Lita manages to defend the title against Ivory.
EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with Earlier Tonight) and X-PAC (with Let Us Take You Back To RAW) v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO & HARDY BOYZ (with Lita) - As our champions hit the ring, JIM DOTSON makes an appearance and throws Tazz out. Tazz takes the opportunity to dump the rest of his popcorn onto Cole on the way out, laugh hysterically, but fail to get the King to pop him one. As X-Pac appears, we look at some more footage of X-Pac's backstage attack on Jericho that we didn't see during Monday's show. Their opponents come out together, through the crowd, surprising them from behind. It's a Pier Six Brawl, yo. Jericho and X-Pac up and down the aisle, the other four in the ring. Back in the ring. Field goal kick for X-Pac, Jericho all over him. "Y2J" chant. Christian comes over to pop Jericho and turn it around. Right, right, into the ropes, duck, Jericho with a flying jalapeno. Chop, chop, Christian ducks, right, chop, into the opposite corner, reversed, bulldog by Jericho. Tatg to Matt, scoop slam, Hardy with a second rope legdrop. Right, right, right, right, right, Edge tries to sneak in, but Matt throws a punch HIS way, putting him down. Scoop, Christian back down, gutshot, shoulder into the post. Tag to X-Pac. Kick trifecta. Quick crotch chop to the other corner, and broncobuster for Matt. Tag to Edge, kick to the face, hung up on the top, Hardy punches him off, Edge back over, and he DOES get off the beal, but Lita trips him up by HIS ankles, then pulls him backwards, crotching him on the ringpost! Somehow, referee "Blind" Mike Chioda missed all that. Tag to X-Pac, hot tag to Jericho! Duck, catches the foot, clothesline, clothesline off the ropes, into the ropes, reveresed, Jericho ducks the kick, double leg takedown, Walls of Jericho! But Edge saves him...unfortunately for him, he ALSO shoves him into a tag to Jeff - who leaps to the top and springs off with a corkscrew somersault plancha - Cole says it's called the "whisper in the wind," which I hope the chicks like, 'cause to me it sounds pretty gay. (Hell, maybe the gay guys like it too, then.) Christian in as well, forearm, right, into the ropes, double clothesline ducked, Jeff with a double dropkick. Jericho back in and clotheslining Edge out. X-Pac whipped into the corner as the Hardyz set up for Poetry in Motion (come to think of it, THAT sounds kinda fruity too - did Cole just say "Hardy Boyz" or "Pretty Boyz?"). Lawler: "They got a stupid name for everything they do?" Poetry in Motion in the opposite corner on Christian. Gutshot, Twist of Fate by Matt, swantonbomb by Jeff...but he was caught napping as X-Pac comes in, gives him a gutshot and X Factor, and calmly wraps up the 1, 2, 3. (3:53) Why yes...both men were legal! Also, X-Pac ALWAYS gets the pin. Or something. Replays of this and that as Cole explains the concept of the legal man. I'm SHOCKED.
Here's another look at the "SmackDown! challenge" graphic. Notice again that of the three pictures here (Gore, Ventura, Bush), only ONE takes up more space than the other two. And only ONE name actually appears on the screen. If you can't figure out *who,* you don't know the people involved behind this. Random fans say "youth of America" - hey, *I* watch "Nightline!" I think I'm offended! (Of course, I was gonna vote anyway...) Current tally is 60,000 voters allegedly registered. Visit wwfvote.com
STILL TO COME: The Dudley Boyz vs. The Rock & The Undertaker in a Table Match!
Here's a look at WWF New York - GOTTA have that at least once a week. Interesting that the Unforgiven ad up on the wall shows Angle, Stephanie and Triple H, isn't it? Well...they only announced the fatal four-way on Monday...
LILIAN GARCIA stands in the awesome presence of the mighty Rock. It doesn't matter if the Undertaker gets (beep) by the Rock, because Undertaker has already (beep) the Rock, so he already knows he can't trust him. In fact, he can't trust ANYBODY...but the Rock. Rock asks Lilian if she likes pie. "Yeah - I do!" "Just like the Rock thought - IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL..." Huh?
Let Us Take You back to Survivor Series where a car ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin. The interrogation begins at Unforgiven - assuming of course, nobody comes forward in the next ten days (and don't hold your breath).
DUDLEY BOYZ v. HEY HEY HEY HEY and IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLL in a table match - Holy cats - those steel steps have somehow stood on their sides and moved over against the barricade JUST in time for Undertaker to drive His Beautiful Titan Bike around the ring! RC Edge presents Unforgiven a week from Sunday from Philly's First Union Center! It's not just cola - it's POWER cola! Rock and Buh-Buh Ray start. Dudley: "Don't you worry 'bout me - you gotta worry 'bout him!" Lockup, knee by Rock, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, but Rock springs out with a clothesline. Knee by Dudley, right, open-handed slap, slap, right, right, slap, Rock turns it around - right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and Dudley goes down. Tag to Undreatker, Rock holds him for an open kick, soupbone, soupbone, into the opposite corner, followup clothesline. Arm wringer, he's going to the top rope for the tightrope walk - and down across the arm! Off the ropes with the clothesline. Knocks down D-Von as HE comes in. Buh-Buh Ray tries for a gutshot and hits it, right, right, right, blatant choke in the corner, right, right, into the opposite corner, avalanche, gutshot, vertical suplex (!), tag out to D-Von. Dudley with a right, right, into the ropes, jumping back elbow, stomp, right, into the opposite corner, but he runs into a boot. Big clothesline from the 'taker. Tag to Rock, open shot. "We want table!" Off the ropes, duck, big clothesline by D-Von, tag to Buh-Buh Ray. Into the ropes, doubel back elbow, double shot for the Undertaker. D-Von goes out after Undertaker while Buh-Buh Ray stomps on Rock. Undertaker put into a set of STEEL steps, and referee "Blind" Earl Hebner decides he'd better go outside and put a stop to *those* shenanigans. In the ring, Dudley with a bodyslam - and there's "whassup" - D-Von testifies and Buh-Buh Ray says the four words - "D-Von, get the table." Table in the ring, but Undertaker uses a big boot to the table to take down both Dudleyz. Rock back up - he AND Undertaker both stomp on the table, which is lying on their opponents. Undertaker puts the table in a corner. Each man grabs a Dudley and works him over in a corner. Rock is ready to whip D-Von across the ring into the table in the opposite corner, but Buh-Buh Ray ducks Undertaker's clothesline in the *adjacent* corner and heads off his half-brother by running into him. Don't know if it was intentional or not, but it worked. Undertaker and Rock stomp. Rock goes outside for the Dudleyz' table while Undertaker repositions the one already in there. Each man clotheslines a Dudley. D-Von manages an uppernut on Undertaker - he may be a Dead Man, but it still hurts like hell when you hit him in the balls. Rock's got Buh-Buh Ray in position for Rock Bottom...but D-Von moves the table out of the way *just* in the nick of time! Undertaker back up...death suplex for D-Von, but unfortunately not into the table. Rock and Undertaker reposition the corner table, standing it up in the ring - then they stand up the second table, too, just in case. Dudleyz have had some time to recover - was it enough? Undertaker throws a soupbone to Buh-Buh Ray. D-Von in a choke - Undertaker ready to drop him but he holds on for JUST a second longer, and unfortunately, Buh-Buh Ray whips Rock into Undertaker - and he falls to the mat before dropping D-Von. Undertaker with a look for Rock. Rock again tries for Rock Bottom, but D-Von pummels him from behind. Buh-Buh Ray clotheslines him outside while Undertaker tosses D-Von down. Got Buh-Buh Ray in a choke...big boot for D-Von as he tries to save...Buh-Buh Ray breaks free, Undertaker with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmysoupbone," calling to Rock...but Rock isn't moving on the outside...Undertaker turns around, and ends up in 3D (Dudley Death Drop) right through the table. That's your match. (6:31) Interesting how all six main eventers LOST tonight, isn't it? They Dudley Boyz quickly take off - here's a replay of how it all went down. When we come back to real time, Rock is just now shaking off the damage he suffered being thrown out. He comes back in...and Undertaker promptly chokeslams him through the other table. HEY HEY HEY HEY did Undertaker hurt his left shoulder? He seems pretty pissed. Rock looking him out, as he drives back up the aisle...stops...and raises his right arm. Credits are up and we're OUT.