"And now, the Season Premiere of WWF SmackDown! on UPN Thursday!"

One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Let Us Take a Special Video Look at AUSTIN AUSTIN AUSTIN

Let Us Take a Special Video Look at the Rock/Benoit title match from Monday

Opening Credits - Close Captioned logo

PYRO AWAY! and so are we - off and away on another fantastic voyage that *is* WWF SmackDown! Coming to you from the Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh, PA 28.9.2K (taped 26.9) and en espanol donde sea disponible, it's time once again to kill the opening twenty with some words...

COMMISSIONER McFOLEY hits the ring to start out. "Thank you. Now I know a lot of you out here tonight are probably too young to remember when I used to wrestle. I know you might find this hard to believe, but I wasn't always the most physically gifted guy in the world, but nonetheless, I did my damnedest to be the best wrestler I could be. In fact, some of you may remember a little match back in 1998 called the Hell in a Cell, when I was thrown off the top of that cell structure, and my career nearly ended RIGHT HERE IN PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA! (thumbs up) Thank you! Now I may not have proved to be the greatest wrestler in the world, but I am attempting to be the greatest ex-wrestler in the world by being your WWF Commissioner! So far, all in all, I'd say it's been pretty smooth sailing, but there is a storm cloud on our horizon, threatening to make great waves for all of us, and that storm cloud is called Stone Cold Steve Austin! And that's great that Steve is back, and it's great that everybody cheers for him but, you see, Steve Austin's gotta realise, and Steve's not here yet, but I'll explain this to him face to face when he does gets here, is that I've been put in a position of - of great power, and I think Steve Austin's got to learn to accept great that power because if he doesn't, well hell, I just might as well go on home. Now, I respect Steve Austin's investigation, and his attempt to get to the bottom of who just ran him over last November, but there's a way to do that, and it doesn't involve giving a Stone Cold Stunner to everyone in sight! I mean, let's face it - if Stone Cold Steve Austin really wants to go around committing random acts of violence, well, dammit, he can go find employment at the United States Post Office. So, Steve, please understand that there's your way, and that there's my way, and you can take this as a warning if you want to, but you will play by my rules...or else." Now, for no apparent reason other than segues can be REALLY hard to write, so why bother...out comes CHRIS BENOIT. "First of all, Mick, let me just clarify something for you. You've done a God-awful job as WWF Commissioner. Your decisions are completely unfair, your rulings make no sense, and now you've completely lost control! Face it, Mick - you're a joke." "Maybe you think my job as Commissioner is just to come out here, make a few opening statements, get interrupted by guys like you and then make a main event but I guarantee you, there's a hell of a lot more to it than that." "You are right about one thing tonight, Mick - you've come out here and made a few opening statements, you just got interrupted, and now you're about to make the main event. Monday night, I had the Rock beat! Why did I have him beat? Because I'm better than he is, it's that simple. But here in the WWF, it's not about who the better wrestler is, is it? 'cause if it was, well...["Rock E!"]..you'da been retired a looooooooong time ago. Fact of the matter is, you DO need some help here, Mick, so here's your main event for tonight: Chris Benoit versus the Rock! But - BUT - there's a very special stipulation involved. One that's almost unheard of here in the WWF since you've been commissioner. I will fight the Rock - heh heh heh - now here's the real crazy part...I will fight the Rock in a - are you ready? - one on one WRESTLING match in the middle of a WRESTLING ring, where the only people in the ring are the WRESTLERS and the referee! Monday night, it was supposed to be me fighting the Rock and the Rock alone. Not Shane McMahon, not Stephanie McMahon, not Triple H, not Kurt Angle. Let's face it, Mick...you know, deep down in your heart as well as everyone in here, deep down in your heart one on one there's no WAY the Rock can beat me. So let me give you a little warning. I want my match. One on one, tonight, agaynst the Rock...*or else.*" KING KURT ANGLE is ready for *his* interruption at this point. "First of all, Mick, I just wanna say that you're doing a really super job as WWF Commissioner - it's true, yes, you are. You're eloquent, fair-minded...and you're a really great dresser too! With that in mind, since we're talking about main event matches, I think the only main event match that makes any sense at all is me and Triple H! Now Triple H might complain that his 'ribs' are too sore, or he doesn't 'feel' very well - well that's just tough! Because the fact of the matter is, this match needs to take place tonight - not just for me, but for all my hometown fans. (Cheers - an "Angle" chant actually breaks out) Because, let's face it - this town has NOTHING going for it right now - and that is true! The Steelers are a disgrace (cheer!), the Pirates are an embarrassment (cheer!), and the Pens...well, actually the Pens aren't too bad (yay!), but nobody cares about hockey! (Finally some boos) So Mick, I'm the only thing left in these people's lives. Many of them whom are out on bail just to see me deserve nothing less, and that is true." "Kurt, that's really nice of you to come out here, but I don't know if you're realised it, but Chris Benoit and I were just in the middle of a very pleasant conversation." "Chris Benoit? Don't get me started on this guy! Not only did he blow another chance at a title shot last Monday night, but he committed something far worse than that. He physically attacked Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, and you do not do that! That is Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley! That is the owner's daughter - it's true. That is Vince McMahon's only daughter. I mean, it's bad enough that Austin is back (Yay!), but do you want Vince McMahon back as well? I don't think so. And Mick, not only that, but Stephanie is my friend, and you do not do that do my friend. So Mick, not only should Chris Benoit not have another title shot, but he should be FINED AND SUSPENDED! And that is true." "Now hold on a sec - are you gonna listen to this clown?" "Clown! You're calling me a clown. A clown." They draw nearere. "Aren't you supposed to be the best damn wrestler in the business? Well - where are YOUR gold medals? That's right - you don't have any. Mick, don't listen to this guy. Give these people something to live for. Give me my match right here tonight." "Kurt, as your commissioner, I can kind of sense what you want. You want a piece of Triple H, don't you. And you want a piece of the Rock. Tonight. Tell you the truth, I don't see why we can't grant both wishes and make both of you two very happy." "Mick, like I said before, you are a really great commissioner, thank you." "Thank you very much, Kurt, because tonight you will team up with Chris Benoit...to take on the tag team of the Rock...and Triple H right here in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, yeah!" Foley's music plays and he leaves the ring. Benoit turns to lodge his complaint, and Angle decides to waffle him from behind. Now they're trading blows in the ring. Hey, these guys are partners! Out come the REFS to break 'em up. Crowd chants "Angle!" Hey, guess who's the de facto face?

Stone Cold Steve Austin is WALKING! He asks some people standing around where X-Pac and Road Dogg are. Pointed in the right direction, he continues WALKING! He asks Earl Hebner where X-Pac and Road Dogg are. Taking several steps backwards, Hebner points Austin in the direction of a training room where they're getting taped up. So now he continues WALKING! WALKING WALKING WALKING

The Lugz Boot of the Week is from RAW - and of course, it's The Spear.

When we come back, Stone Cold Steve Austin is WALKING! He finds Road Dogg & X-Pac (oh, they're friends again?) and tells them that he knows they didn't drive the car, but they must have some information since they put him in the parking lot in the first place. Dogg says "we were just followin' orders." Austin promises to harvest Dogg's cornrows if he finds out otherwise.

LITA has new music, 'cause her OLD music was semi-public and being used by other shows. How about a RAW on TNN graphic? "So before I defend my WWF Women's Championship tonight, what I would like to do is introduce you to the NEW tag team champions, Matt and Jeff Hardy, the HARDY BOYZ!" And here they is. Hmm, looks like a surprise in store...

WWF WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: LITA (with the Hardy Boyz) v. JACQUELINE (with Edge & Christian - and their music) - Lawler speculates that Edge & Christian got Jackie this match so they could get close to the Hardyz, since we were told Monday they'd get no more matches with them. Lockup, Lita with an arm drag, another arm drag, clothesline, 2. Into the corner, Jackie busts out a clothesline. Tonight T&A and partner against Rikishi and Too Cool, Steve Blackman puts it on the line against Road Dogg, Steven Richards against Chyna, and footage of Chyna's Playboy shoot! Scoop...and a slam by Jacqueline. Big-time dropkick and Lita rolls out to the Hardyz. Jackie stands on the bottom rope and tries to pull her up by the hair, but Lita takes her feet out from under her and comes back in. Ummm, some sort of forearm, I guess. Snapmare, dropick in the back, another 2 for Lita. Twist of Fate is countered ads Jackie shoves her away, gutshot, DDT! But only 2. Jackie to the second rope - but the elbowdrop misses. Lita with a side Russian legsweep. Going up top for the moonsault - and it hits! But referee "Blind" Jack Doan is occupied with Christian on the apron - and then Christian pulled off the apron and beat down by both Hardyz. Edge in the ring now with an elbowdrop to break up the cover. Jackie mounts LIta and starts punching away. Right hand in the corner, right, standing on the neck, scoop...but Lita breaks free and DOES hit that Twist of Fate. 1, 2, 3. (2:35)

NEXT: Steve Blackman puts the Hardcore championship on the line against the Road Dogg!

Wow, it MUST be a new season - there's a new UPN bumper!

Check out Rock, Foley and Chyna posing for a literacy poster. Sometimes, the jokes just write themselves.

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: ROAD DOGG (with garbage can and muted "ass") v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - Dogg is decked out in his DX gear - I thought he and X-Pac were...aw shit. Dogg's non-TV-PG spiel is conveniently cut right after "Welcome to the Dogg House" as we go straight to Mr. Party Time's entrance. It's his hometown crowd, you know. Dogg meets him at the bottom of the aisle - Blackman avoids the tossed garbage can, but not the clubbing forearms. Blackman turns it around, quick strikes to the face and neck, then run into the garbage can on the floor. Blackman goes hunting, but takes too long - Dogg rams the garbage can into his shoulder. Lid to the head. WHACK! Blackman put in the ring, Dog grabs some hardware before HE comes back in. But Blackman is ready - thrust kick, garbage can to the head. Picking him up by the 'rows, another garbage can. Blackman outside to get the sticks, but Dogg picks up the kendo stick he ALSO put in the ring, and stands at the ready when Blackman comes back in. "We know what time it is - IT'S PARTY TIME!" Blackman with a stick display while Dogg craps his pants. Blackman dares Dogg to come at him. Dogg tries a swing, but it's blocked with one stick while Blackman clips him with the other. Dogg: "Curses!" Dogg tries again - Blackman ducks and hits him about 213 times. Setting him up for the stick in the crotch slam - 1, 2, Dogg *finally* lands a kendo stick shot to the head to break it up. Blackman's a little woozy on the outside and Dogg sees an opportunity - over with a garbage can to the back and Blackman falls over the barricade. Dogg follows - garbage can, garbage can, garbage can - now they're walking towards the backstage area. Hey, a sign in the garbage can - the WWF *does* have sign police! Dogg puts Blackman's head onto a lighting case, but Blackman comes back with a kick in the gut and HE puts his head on that box. Over the barricade and into the front row - Blackman with a chop, kick, Dogg going upstairs and Blackman following - along with referee "Blind" Chad Patton and security uberlord Jim Dotson. STILL going up - now up to the mezzanine - Dogg ducks a swing, left, left, left, juke, jive, Blackman ducks the right, grabs his waist, and lifts him up to collide with the low bridge above them. Now into the concession area, Blackman leading Dogg by the hair. Big chop. Head to the merchandise stand. Still walking along - whip into a fence is reversed and Blackman hits hard. Dogg with a kick, right, right, right, Blackman with a kick, straight right, and now they're brawling down a flight of stairs. Dogg puts Blackman's head into the wall - Blackman with a kick at the bottom of the stairs. Blackman puts Dogg's head into a door - no, it's blocked, and Dogg puts Blackman's head there instead. Into another metal box. "Hey, you ain't so lethal now, aint'cha?" Suddenly, Austin appears - gutshot, chairshot, then Austin goes back on the nearby phone. Blackman hooks a leg - 1, 2, 3! (5:27) "IT'S STILL MY HOUSE!" Hey, Austin OWED Blackman one from Sunday anyway...

Elsewhere, Trish approaches Kane and tells him that she's chosen him to team with T&A in tonight's big six-man. "First of all, Trish - your mammary glands don't impress me. [A confused Trish massages her adenoids] And second of all, I have no interest at all in hooking up with your boys tonight or any night." "Did I mention they'd be taking on Too Cool and Rikishi? I mean, after what happened 'tween you and Rikishi last Monday night, I thought maybe you'd want to get some revenge - I mean, I don't wanna gossip or anything, but a lot of people backstage are saying that Rikishi kinda manhandled you, and...if you don't mind getting beat up in the middle of the ring, I guess..." Kane backs her up against a garage door and violates her personal space. "Trish, don't think that I don't see what you're tryin' to do. And as far as Rikishi goes, don't worry. I'll finish what I started Monday night - and I'll take Rikishi down."

In this thirty second "RAW is WAR" ad, they say "RAW is WAR" five times - and "TNN" six. Yikes!

Moments Ago - Austin Austin Austin

Check out the latest WWF Divas photo shoot Sunday on Superstars - only on TNN!

TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ has something to say. "Two matters at hand. Number one, I got something to say to my long-time broadcast colleague, good old MC, Michael Cole! Michael, it's a damn shame that you're stuck sittin' next ta THAT. Because as everybody knows, this Sunday night at WWF New York, you, my man, are gonna be sittin' next to me at Sunday Night Heat! Hahahah - LIVE on MTV, featuring, starring, heh heh, Tazz! Y'see, MC, that right there...B-team. The One Man Crime Spree - A-team. Ahhahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Matter number two. You know I don't have a lotta friends, but I have one here tonight. And you know, we don't always see eye to eye, but we got a lot in common, so I'd like to bring him out - he's a real handsome man, so without any further ado, heeeeeeeeeere's RAVEN!" Raven's got some unimpressive music, that same jacket, and a FUGLY handlebar mustache - that reminds me, where's Saturn? Doesn't he need to drop Terri and get back into the whole gay bondage thing he has going with Raven? All right, let's listen. "The reason I've aligned myself with Tazz is because he understands my suffering - he understands my pain - something a King wouldn't know anything about." King takes a mic. "Hey, lemme...lemme just tell you something that the King *does* know about. The King knows about Tazz - and you know it's funny, Tazz that you come out here and you talk about you being the A-team - yeah, you may be the A-team, because you know what? You look like the illegitimate retarded son of Mr. T! And as far as you go, Raven, you're right, I don't know much about you, but I do wanna know if - I wanna know if the bag lady knows you've got her clothes - huh?" "That's quite amusing, King. You're a regular Henny Youngman. You know, sometimes in life we make our own choices. And sometimes, a choice is made for us. And sometimes there is no choice. You see, King, it's typical of you and your ilk. You and your sycophantic revelers, with their fancy clothes and your middle-class suburbia with their two-car garage, white picket fences, 2.3 kids, a dog, their hot pretzels and Diet Coke to make fun of people like Tazz and myself from the lower class. Make fun of people like us who live in squalor and poverty - what about me? WHAT ABOUT RAVEN?" Crowd already chanting along with that one. "Do you know what it's like to watch your parents beg for change? Do you know what it's like to live in a box? I never got a hot dog. What about me? WHAT ABOUT RAVEN?" Shouldn't Raven be turning aside to another camera and saying "what a mark!" right about now? No, no wait! Maybe Saturn could come out and tell us about how Raven was a rich kid growing up. No, wait! Maybe "Jim" could appear with the picture of Roddy Piper that Raven kept in his closet! NO, WAIT! Maybe-- well, what *does* happen is the "Y2J" countdown counts down and CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO shows. "Tazz - Raisin - would you please SHUT THE HELL UP! You know, for the last couple of weeks, I've had a table broken over my stomach, I've had a pair of nunchuks whack me over the head, I've been smashed in the face with a glass bottle, but none of those things were half as painful as sitting back there and listening to your brutally boring speeches! What *about* you? What *about* Raisin? I mean, you might as well ask 'What about the plight of the African anteater?' Or, 'what about the price of back bacon in Saskatoon?' Or how about 'what about the fact that nobody cares about any of those questions and nobody gives a damn about either one of you?' But what all of these Jerichoholics, what they do care about is seeing Y2J, so why don't you two...special chums...agree to a tag team match against, let's say, Jerry 'the King' Lawler...and the Ayatollah of Rock-and-Rollah, right here on SmackDown! tonight!" "We have no problem stomping you two like narcs at a bike--" "Let's do it right now Jericho!!" And Raven and Tazz promptly head for the King and start a two-on-one beatdown. Jericho runs down to help out, and they turn it around. Tazz and Raven take off as Jericho's music plays again. We'll have that match later tonight!

LILIAN GARCIA tells Triple H that he and Rock have had quite a history. H say she knows everyone's wondering if he can trust the Rock tonight. He doesn't like him, but he knows Rock can get the job done - "that is, if the Rock can keep that massive, inflated ego of his in check." If Rock realises there's a job that needs to be done here and avoids the grandstanding and spotlight-hogging, then nobody can stop them.

Sunday Night Heat on MTV ad

TOO COOL & RIKASHMONEY (with Mandy & Victoria - and TV-PG-DLV ratings box - AND new Rikishi music) v. T&A (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model - and SmackDown! is brought to you by Activision's "Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2", Crunch 'n Munch, and Right Guard Xtreme Sports) and WELL IT'S KANE - Kane and Rikishi engage in a staring contest as Lawler says "mammary" for the millionth time. Man, NOBODY can make a aside feel more worn-out SO quickly than Lawler. Grrrr. Kane regards his partners with unease as Albert and Hotty start. Lockup, Hotty with a knee to the gut, side headlock, going for a suplex, but Albert just calmly picks him up and moves him yaaaaaah backwards to the corner. Hotty ducks a yaaah right, and peppers him with rights, breakdances, and throws another right. Into the opposite corner is yaaaaaah reversed, yaah gutshot, double underhook into a yaaaaaah slam. Off the ropes, yaaaaah elbowdrop misses, tag to Sexay. Into the yah corner, but Albert yaaaah gets the feet up - they both slide under to the outside and grab an ankle when he lands. Face to the canvas. Hotty on top - but Albert catches him...Sexay on top - dropkicking his partner to complete the crossbody. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long says "Hotty's still the legal man, right? 1, 2" and Albert kicks out. Presto provides a double feature as Long suddenly remembers *Sexay* is the legal man and puts Hotty outside. Into the ropes, reversed, head down, Sexay with a kick, kick, Albert's yah clothesline is ducked, but not the followup from the other arm, yah clotheslining him in the back of the head. Over to tag Test. Into the ropes, yaaaaah double press...and drop. Test tosses him up and lets him drop. Big clothesline. Test looks at Kane - then tags Albert. Yah forearm to the back. Into the ropes, yaaaaaah shoulderblock. Alber'ts one NOISY mofo, ain't he? Albert with a slingshot, throating Sexay on the second rope. Another look at Kane - another tag to Test. Kane nods knowingly. Into the corner, Sexay gets a knee up as Test comes in - second rope clothesline. Both men down. Test back up, pointing to Kane - and tagging Albert. On the other side, Sexay makes the hot tag to Rikishi! Ducks the clothesline (must be because Albert didn't yell) and puts Albert down with a Samoan Drop. Test gets one as well. Rikishi with the fat ass splash on Albert. Hotty in, off the ropes, bulldog. W O R M and the karate chop lands. Albert rolls out, back in, and lunges for Kane, slapping him. Kane in - Rikishi right, right, right, right, Kane knee, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, head down, Kane DDT - hey, you can't DDT a Samoan, can you? Rikishi staggers to the corner. Kane uppercut, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, Samoan Drop as Kane comes out. Rikishi going for the fat ass splash but Kane manages to sidestep at the last moment - got him in the choke! But Test decides now's a good time to make the blind tag. Kane regards Test with some curiosity - then chokeslams HIM instead. Kane takes off up the aisle as Albert follows. Meanwhile, Rikishi is dragging Test to the corner. Up on the second rope. Trish on the apron - Rikishi shoots her a look, points to her, then points to the floor. Trish complies. Banzai Drop (which Cole remembers to call the Rump Shaker instead of the Banzai Drop - good for him, I guess) - 1, 2, 3. (5:19) Let's hear Rikishi's new music again? What's he saying, "spin your buns around?" Must be something else, that makes NO sense. Hey, I was just thinking - NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE!! I think I can see Mandy's ass! Light up the turnbuckles!

Livewire Saturdays, Superstars Sundays - TNN makes your weekend COME ALIVE WITH FLAVOUR

Look at the beautiful Pittsburgh skyline - and the handsome However-You-Spell-It Arena

Right to Censor attempted to lead a protest Earlier Today

Your commentators are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER.

Let Us Take A Special Video Look behind the scenes of Chyna's Playboy shoot - Arny Freytag tells us why they'd want to photograph her in the first place. Chyna strikes a blow for womanhood. By posing NEKKID! Help me out here - Chyna wants to be DIFFERENT from all the OTHER women in the WWF....but she's got no problems engaging in the very T&A she'd made such a big deal to avoid?

Before Lawler can make one of his "my dick's so hard I can't POSSIBLY stand up" jokes, we cut to the ad break *just* in time. Lawler may be wrestling...next!

UPN bumper

JERRY LAWLER (already in the ring) and CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO (with Presto presents No Mercy!) v. TAZZZZZZZ and RAVEN - Sign in crowd: "HEY VINCE - JERICHO ISN'T A MIDCARDER" Vince: "Jericho's *whatever* I SAY he is! Growl!" Tazz and Jericho start - Lockup, side headlock by Jericho, Tazz powers out, shoulderblock by Jericho. Off the ropes up and over, sliding under, chop, chop, chop, into the opposite corner is reversed, back elbow by Jericho meets Tazz coming in, missile dropkick, tag to Lawler. Kick, kick, kick, RIGHT HAND, RIGHT HAND, snapmare, fistdrop from the second rope, Tazz manages a tag to Raven. Gutshot, spinning back elbow, right, off the ropes, another discus right, into the ropes, head down, Lawler holds on, RIGHT HAND uppercut, piledriver setup is broken up as Tazz comes in and waffles him from behind. Tazz with a clothesline. Raven rams Lawler's head repeatedly into the mat. Tag to Tazz. They pull him out of the corner - then shove him back in hard. Two more times with the same move. Tazz right, right, right, tag. RAW is WAR on TNN graphic - Monday's show provided TNN with their highest rating in their 17-year history. Across the ring into the turnbuckle, and after King staggers out, they AGAIN whip his head backwards into the mat. Raven puts King in the ropes, head down, King with the PILEDRIVER! Tag to Jericho, off the ropes, clothesline, off the ropes with another clothesline, shot for Tazz, but Raven manages a forearm in the back. Into the ropes, Jericho ducks, flying jalapeno, off the ropes with the bulldog, 1, 2, nope. Chop, into the ropes but Raven holds on, knee in the gut, going for the DDT but Jericho takes him down with a double leg. Going for the Walls of Jericho, and Lawler runs across the ring to prevent Tazz from coming in to interfere - THEY end up brawling on the outside, and drawing away the attention of referee "Blind" Tim White. This means it's run-in time - sure enough, here's X-PAC ONLY JOBS IN MATCHES HE ISN'T IN but *amazingly* Jericho must have eyes in the back of his head as he ducks the spin kick that should have landed there (the back of his head). Jericho with a big right and Lionsault to X-Pac, but he's not his opponent - Raven is. And it's Raven with the surprise kick in the gut, doubling over Jericho nicely for the DDT. 1, 2, 3. (3:27) X-Pac goes to work on Jericho as Tazz continues to stomp on the King. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ come out to make the save. Play THEIR music!

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands in the awesome presence of the Rock - how's he feel about having to team up with Triple H later tonight? "Hermy, let the Rock answer your question with a question of his own. How would you feel if the Rock just reared back and kicked you right in your little-bitty testicles?" "Not very good?" "Not very good, well that's exactly the way the Rock feels about teaming with Triple H..." Didn't I ALREADY see these guys team up quite recently as part of a six-man match? Rock doesn't like Triple H, doesn't trust Triple H - and blowing the cliche out of the water, he doesn't respect Triple H either. But he DOES respect that he's a four-time WWF Champion and knows he can get the job done. "The Rock has one thing to say. THIS is the Rock's hand. You don't have to like it, you don't have to respect it, all you have to do is tag it, so the Rock can take it and layeth the smacketh down on alllllllll their candyasses! If ya smelllllalalalalalooow what the Rock is cookin'!"

Funny, BOTH men said their partner "can get the job done." I wonder if they're doing the job...tonight?

BAZOOKA JO(ANI)E (with Eddie Guerrero & the C-2000) v. STEVEN RICHARDS (with Bald Venis and a terrycloth robe) - Chyna has a noticable stripe down the front of her shorts tonight - possibly emblematic of her Playboy shoot. Let Us Take You Back to RAW, where Chyna pants Richards - ironically, Richard's ass is CENSORED out of the replay. Chyna doesn't seem to keen on the free robe with "NO" symbol on the back. Richards poking a finger in Chyna's chest (no, higher, come on) - and Chyna shoves him down. Chyan ducks a clothesline, crappy elbow, crappy elbow, crappy elbow, into the ropes, crappy back elbow, field goal kick, kick, Richards outside and Chyna follows - tossing him into the STEEL steps (and almost into Eddie! Wake up!) Back in the ring - Venis grabs the ankle to trip her up - and Richards waffles her from behind after she turns around. Stomp, Richards removes his tie and garottes Chyna while referee "Blind" Jim Korderas occupies himself trying to keep Venis and Guerrero from coming to blows on the outside. Richards right, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, choke. "Don't you understand? I'm only doing this for you! I'm trying to help you! Listen to me!" In the ring, Richards with a great facial expression - and a nice vertical suplex. Richards continuing to state his case to Chyna. Chyna decides a testicular claw is in order. She actually tries to snapmare him over by his groin! Clothesline, clothesline, crappy elbow, into the opposite corner, back to the FIRST corner, crappy handspring elbow. Richards flumps down and Chyna does her Rikishi impersonation, turning around to look at him. Then she removes her top to show off her bra. Venis throws the robe at Chyna, and she kicks it back. Chyna unzips her vagina and pulls off the shorts to reveal matching undies. Guerrero is doing the "ride 'em cowboy" dance on the apron. Chyna slaps her ass as if warming up for the stinkface...but Venis is in. Clothesline is ducked, Guerrero grabs the ankle and pulls HIM out. Richards tries to take advantage of the distraction, but Chyna ducks THAT clothesline, gutshot, DDT, 1, 2, 3. (no opening bell - call it 3:16) Lawler says "bra and panties" 719 times.

In Foley's "office," William Regal attempts to lodge a complaint about Austin's assault on him Monday. Foley says he shouldn't have quoted Hamlet and offers Henry VIII as an alternative. "Is this some kind of a joke to you? This is no joke! Stone Cold Steve Austin isn't a joke! Perhaps he doesn't have any respect for you or anything that you do...no, and perhaps it's true what the other chaps backstage say, that you're some kind of a joke." Foley says we'll see what Austni thinks when he gets a little more...involved.

Stephanie, Lita and Kat narrate a Smack Down Your Vote spot

The wwfvote.com tally is 105,000

COMMISSIONER McFOLEY comes out with a chair...to sit in. Foley takes a position at the top of the ramp.

WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: AL SNOW (France) v. X-PAC NEVER JOBS EXCEPT TO PEOPLE NOT IN HIS MATCH - Oh, I *hope* somebody writes to the Torch and tells them that "tete" is French for Head! OUI! The thing that boggles my mind is that people need this TOLD to them DESPITE the fact that they actually *spell it out for you* on the OvalTron - EVERY TIME! Okay, okay, people are stupid, I need to accept that. Oy. Snow walks a poodle to the ring, carries French bread, French fries, and a picture of Pepe LePew. Lawler threatens to go mess with X-Pac, but Cole mentions that Foley is out there. Lawler says that Foley would probably fine and suspend HIM but he'd NEVER do that for AUSTIN. X-Pac decides to break the glass of the picture. This draws out Snow - right, right, right, into the ring. Cole: "You know I've checked with the respective embassies, and none of them know anything about Al Snow representing their countries, by the way. MICHAEL COLE, INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER X-Pac forearms Snow in the back as he tries to follow him into the ring, again, into the ropes, reversed, X-Pac ducks and hits a spinning heel kick. Forearm to the back. Another forearm. Into the corner, but X-Pac crotches himself when Snow moves out of the way. Right by Snow, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, boot up by X-Pac, running at Snow...into a powerslam for 2. Scoop..and a slam. Snow up top for the moonsault - but he lands on the knees! X-Pac kicks him in the head a few times...but as he winds up for the broncobuster, Austin's music kicks in in mid-gallop. Foley gets up and looks to the entryway wielding his chair...which of course means that STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN enters through the crowd instead. Kick, Stunner for X-Pac. Kick, Stunner for Snow. Kick, Stunner for referee "Blind" Mike Chioda. Okay, NOW I think I'm remembering why I *shouldn't* be missing him. Austin catches two beers and heads up the aisle to Foley. Foley starts to talk to him...and Austin walks right by him and backstage. Foley isn't thrilled about that... (No contest? Around 2)

Meanwhile, Triple H catches up with Rock backstage. "Understand something. This is not about your hand, or me tagging it. I don't like your hand, I don't like any part of you. But tongiiht, for one night only, it's not gonna be about who's better, you or me - it's about you and I getting in the ring kickin' ass together. Understand?" "Triple H, you and the Rock - we can talk all night long. But nothing's ever gonna change between you and the Rock. So do yourself a favour - you just meet the Rock in the middle of the ring tonight. PROVE to the Rock that you're That Damn Good." He goes to leave, but H grabs his arm. "You don't worry about me - you Just Bring It."

In the local spot, we get an XFL ad. Is it about football...or Vince McMahon?

Moments Ago, Austin Austin Austin

Our commentators shill Heat - Disturbed will perform - Austin will be there - hoorah

KING KURT ANGLE (with Earlier Tonight) and CHRIS BENOIT (with Last Monday) v. THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Ono) and IF YA SMELLLLLLL - Hey, Benoit's headbutt of Stephanie looks just like every Big Show headbutt as described by Herb Kunze EVER ("headbutts his own hand"). Benoit and Angle waste no time continuing their "discussion" from earlier tonight, but as soon as Helmsley gets in the ring, they go after him....or I should say it's just Benoit, and he TRIES to. H gets first right on Benoit, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, Angle from behind, block, right, right, right for Benoit, right for Angle, right for Benoit, kick by Angle, right, H into the corner, kick for Benoit, but now the numbers finally take over - big shoulder into the taped ribs by Angle. The music hits for the Rock - now he breaks into a trot as he sees his partner being doubleteamed in the corner, right for Benoit, right for Angle, right for Benoit, and continuing on Benoit until throwing him out as H turns it around and tosses *Angle.* And NOW, the opening bell sounds. Benoit and Angle having a disagreement about who's going to start - which is settled when Benoit throws Angle into the ring. Triple H stays in, since this is his guy - clothesline, right, right, kick, kick, into the opposite corner is reversed, ducks the clothesline, hangman's neckbreaker. Tag to Rock, open shot, right, right, into the corner, Angle puts up an elbow, but runs into a belly-to-belly for 2. Stomp, stom, into the ropes, reversed, Angle's back elbow finds the mark. Stomp, stomp, tag. Holding him for an open kick by Benoit, right, kick, into the ropes, knee in the gut and Rock flips. 1, 2, no. Tag to Angle - open kick. Right hand. Right, into the ropes is reversed, head down, but the Samoan Drop works for Rock - hooking the leg, but only getting 2. H wants the tag - and gets it. Right hand. Right, into the ropes, reversed, duck, gutshot by H, into the ropes, off the ropes, ducks the punch, but not the high knee. Angle put into the ropes, reversed, head down, facebuster. 1, 2, Benoit breaks it up. If you ever wrestle Triple H, LET HIM WHIP YOU. If you reverse it, he's got all these other moves, but if you actually let him finish the whip, he'll be so surprised that he'll have NO idea what to do! Right hand from The Game. Heat shill. Into the ropes is reversed, and Benoit puts a knee into the injured ribs. H manages to get a shot in on Benoit in return, but Angle hits a belly-to-belly when he turns back around. Benoit tagged in. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, and so on. Head to the buckle, and Benoit starts chatting with referee "Blind" Earl Hebner while Angle chokes away on Helmsley - but H manages an elbow and a right hand that puts him down to the floor. Returning to the ring, Benoit puts H down in the crossface! Angle meets the Rock before he can break it up - right hand, clothesline puts him out! Will Triple H give it up? H screams in pain...but manages to hold on until the Rock can come back in and step on Benoit's face. Benoit with the German suplex - holding on for two, but H elbows out of it. Shoving Benoit into the ropes - and into Angle, who was standing on the apron at JUST the wrong place. Benoit falls backwards into a schoolboy - 1, 2, NO! Benoit walks over to Angle and asks what's wrong with him - and now they're back to shoving again! Angle decks Benoit right into a Pedigree attempt...but clotheslines Triple H to prevent it. Benoit back up first - pulling Helmsley away from the Rock and dropping him with a death suplex. Benoit up top - headbutt to the ribs! Cover, leg is hooked...but Rock makes the save. This draws in *Angle*, over to the Rock with a forearm in the back. Rock turns around with a look, and barrels over him with a clothesline. Right, over the ropes to the floor...and following. Right, head to the apron, trying for the STEEL steps but Angle reverses and puts Rock there instead. Angle grabs the title belt and poises himself for a shot to Triple H...but Rock grabs Angle's ankle, pulling him back outside! Head to the commentary table. Meanwhile (in a post-production edit), H grabs the belt and waffles Benoit with it! Looking back to Rock and Angle fighting, and Hebner totally ignoring H's cover by trying to keep Rock away. Angle makes his way back in and clocks H with the belt, then puts Benoit on top...Hebner back in - 1, 2, shoulder BARELY up! Both men need to tag...and both men will. Rock with a right, right, right for Benoit, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT, taking Benoit out of the ring - back to Angle, caught in a spinebuster! Must be time for the most electrifying yadda yadda yadda, the People's Elbow! 1, 2, Benoit JUST in time to break it up with an elbowdrop. H over, punching him out of the ring...and following. Whip into the STEEL steps is reversed, and H hits hard. Inside the ring, Angle lands a death suplex on the Rock. Benoit has a chair - but Stephanie is over and grabbing it from him on the downswing! Benoit turns to Stephanie and threatens to use the chair...but now *Angle* is outside, standing between them and telling him not to go there! H manages to recover enough to spin Benoit around and land a right hand. Head to the STEEL steps. Angle is checking on Stephanie...but Rock is over with a right. H puts Benoit into the commentary table - and again. Rock brings Angle over and puts HIS head into the commentary table. Now they both do it. Now Rock. Now H. Is this a competition? Angle into the commentary table, Benoit into the commentary table, Angle, Benoit, Angle, Benoit...why isn't Hebner disqualifying these guys? HE'S LOOKIN' RIGHT AT 'EM!! Sheesh! Rock and Angle back in - Rock with a chair and poised to strike...but *Stephanie* is in to save *Angle* from the chair, much like she did earlier with her husband and Benoit! Rock turns to Stephanie and forces a look of surprise out of her...but Angle is up behind the Rock - OLYMPIC SLAM! 1, 2, THREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! (9:27) Kurt Angle goes OVER in his hometown with a pin of the WWF Champion! Rocky GETS THE JOB DONE! Angle celebrates all the way up the ramp, and as we look back in the ring, we see that Rock and H are in stunned disbelief and behind them on the apron...and CLAPPING...is Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley.