Chris Hyatte had a good point Tuesday, and I'm not above stealing ideas, so I'll repeat it here: Monday's show was like a RAW in reverse, with an Undertaker/Rikishi match first and a McMahon interview ending the show. Didn't affect the ratings THIS week, but it definitely makes you wonder...

UPN! Hey, the Dudleyz aren't dressed up like the RTC in this bumper! Ooooh!

TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Let Us Take You Back to Monday, where....golly, that guy looks like just Vince McMahon! He GULPS like him, too! Too bad you can't say "ass" on UPN!

A limousine pulls into the MSG Garage...and the Alliance gets out! But they're met by the Commissioner and his lieutenant - Foley tells Triple H and Rikishi that, from their actions Monday, they've earned a one-day suspension. Stephanie busts out "who do you think you are?" but before Foley can finish telling her he's Foley, Triple H acquiesces, saying "we could use the night off, to get a little rest before Hell in the Cell...it takes a lot of energy to end careers." Angle tries to leave with them, but Foley's got a special assignment for him. Thanks to HIS continued interference, he's earned a title defense tonight - and not just *any* title defense... it'll be a Fatal Four-Way between himself, the Rock, the Undertaker and Stone Cold Steve Austin!

Opening Credits - Close Captioned

LIGHT IT UP AND SET IT OFF - we come to you from a sold out Madison Square Garden in NYC on my half birthday and Pearl Harbor Day - 7.12.2K (taped 5.12) and not only is this show transmitido en espanol SAP on the United Paramount Network... it's WWF SMACKDOWN!

BAZOOKA JO(ANI)E and THA 1 BILLY GUNN (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. BALD VENIS & IVORY in restrained, tasteful intergender action - Don't treat her like a woman, don't treat her like a man....treat me like a dog, get me down on my knees...no, that's not it. Before Tony Chimel can finish introducing Team RTC, Gunn pops outside the ring to take it to Venis before the bell. Gunn's been studying at the feet of the People's Champ as it's right hands aplenty for the One, the former Mr. Buns. BOOOO-UNS! Tag to Chyna after the suplex - here's a double neckbreaker. Chyna with a weird cover - for 2. Head to the buckle, right, right, or are they forearms, eh who cares. That's stomping. Am I sexist for thinking Chyna's a pretty crappy wrestler? Venis turns the tide with a spinebuster off the rope reversal. Tag to Ivory, who pulls up her pants and stomps away. These forearms seem to have no affect as Chyna absorbs everything while standing back up. She turns to face Ivory, who makes the appropriate "oh shit" facial expression and tags out to Venis again. Gutshot, forearm, forearm, forearm, whoa, she KISSED that forearm! Another study of the People's Champ - no wonder she's teaming with Gunn, they have so much in common! Into the ropes, reversal, back elbow by Venis into the elbowdrop. It's a trademark. Big vertical suplex (and don't think it's easy pulling on HER trunks!) - leg is hooked...but only 2. Big (but brief) "Chyna" chant. Into the ropes, head down, kick by Chyna, gutshot, DDT. Ivory bites a knuckle. Referee "Controversial" Teddy Long puts on the count as Chyna slowly crawls to her corner...6...tag to Gunn! Clothesline! Clothesline! Into the ropes, powerslam...for 2. Into the ropes again, tilt-a-whirl slam gets another 2. Gunn still in control - tag to Chyna - into the ropes, double back body drop. Chyna with a free forearm for Ivory...clothesline for Venis. A shirtless CHRIS BENOIT is out to show off his pecs, apparently...Long is suitably distracted as Ivory WHACKS Chyna with the Women's title...Venis covers for the 1, 2, 3. (3:51) HA! The Right to Censor wins AGAIN! Up yours! I hope they TAKE OVER! I hope Stephanie DID write that because it was AWESOME! Anyway... Benoit, who managed to keep Gunn from breaking up the pinfall, goes ahead and puts Gunn in the Crippler crossface...just so he can know how it's going to feel Sunday when he loses the intercontinental championship....or WILL he? Hey Gunn, you can tap all you want but unless Long manages to pull him off you, you might as well get used to that pain in your shoulder. Play Benoit's music - it brings a gapped smile to his face!

Dean Malenko is smooth, suave, and WALKING! He knocks on the Hardyz dressing room and presents a bouquet of roses to Lita. Matt: "If he so much as lays a hand on you....(breathes audibly)..." Malenko promises she's in good hands tonight. "Tonight will be a night you'll never EVER forget." "Maybe Dean, it'll be a night YOU'LL never forget." "Don't do anything stupid, Dean." "Gentlemen...don't wait up." "If anything happens....(ooh I'm so angry there are no words so I'll just breathe audibly again ooohhh)" What, is Jeff a MUTE? Stick around....tonight we'll eavesdrop ALL OVER this date!

SmackDown! 2 ad - tallying awards has kept me from playing No Mercy all week - I was Jericho and won a #1 Contender's four-way to get a shot at Malenko, but that damn Eddie Guerrero came out and interfered copiously! I was gonna meet him backstage to settle it in a street fight, but I had to stop to watch the ECW PPV. Boy did *I* make the wrong choice...

Speaking of Jericho, he's still gettin' tubby on that island paradise eatin' ravioli. Hey Jericho, wipe your face! IT'S CALLED A NAPKIN, JERKY!

We come back to a look in the back seat, where Lita is shivering. Dean offers his jacket...or better yet, how 'bout HE keeps her warm? "No, Dean, let's just get on with this okat?" "Patience, patience, let's have dinner first...cab driver, please, Dick and Steph's Steak house!"

Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. How about another look at that impressive Hell in a Cell main event graphic match? It's 72 hours away AT WWF ARMAGEDDON!

Let Us Take You Back to RAW is WAR, where Rock ran through his impressive arsenal of Duke Droese impressions - that Austin one was *uncanny*

Speaking of the man, STONECOLD.COM walks to the ring for a few words and stepping off. Four corner salute. "Everywhere I've gone, everyone's asking me 'Stone Cold Steve Austin, are you ready for the Hell in the Cell match this Sunday?' and I gotta say oh hell yeah! But I gotta say the Rock paints a little bit different picture than the one I envision this Sunday...'cause Rock, as politely as I can I'm gonna remind you exactly who's in that match, so that you don't take anybody in there too lightly. Kurt Angle might come out here, drink milk and eat cookies, but that (beep) went to the Olympics in '96 and won a gold medal, and while that might not mean much to ya, the same (beep) that took your title and you ain't got it back yet. You talk about Rikishi havin' a big fat ass...that might be true, but if Rikishi don't roll into Birmingham, Alabama willin' to do whatever it takes - and I do mean whatever it takes to be the World Wrestling Federation Champion, he might as well not even show up. You come out here and you're takin' Triple H lightly - I don't think I have to remind anybody, he's the (beep) that put me out of this business for a year...I ain't forgiven him for that, but he's also the same (beep) that has dominated the World Wrestling Federation for the past year, so don't take him too lightly. You wanna come out here and talk about the Undertaker, the American Badass - and all I gotta say, a decade of destruction - that pretty well sums it all, because that man has been ridin' up and down these highways chasin' world championships, kickin' ass, and if you don't think for one split second that man ain't gonna roll into Armageddon wantin' to be the World Wrestling Federation champion once again, I'll kiss your ass right in the middle of this ring. Every single Hell in the Cell match I've seen has been a bloodbath. Undertaker has survived three of those - you gotta Shawn Michaels and you gotta Mick Foley who ain't no longer with us because o' Hell in the Cell probably was a big part of their demise. When that door closes on that cell at Armageddon, that bell rings, Stone Cold Steve Austin is willin' to suffer, bleed, suffer, and bleed some more just like every other (beep) in that ring to be the World Wrestling Federation champion, because I've always said if you ain't in the World Wrestling Federation to be the champion, you got no business bein' here, and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said--" whoa, KING KURT ANGLE's music interrupts the catchphrase! I asked the Smark what it meant that Austin just put over most of his opponents, and he told me that Austin would NEVER have done that back when he was alone at the top, because he wouldn't work with Billy Gunn OR Jeff Jarrett. Then I laughed at him. Anyway, before Angle gets set to speak Austin goes outside, grabs his cooler, and rolls back in to enjoy a cold one while Angle speaks. "Steve...I know that we haven't always seen eye to eye...but in this case, I couldn't agree with you more. No one realises the sheer horror--" Austin hukks his beer at him. Angle manages to avoid the flying object. "What the heck are you doing? As I was saying, no one realises the sheer horror of the Hell in the Cell more than I do..and for the Rock to make fun of you...and me--" Another flying beer. "Hold on a second! To say that I like milk and cookies, and you like the Backstreet Boys..." Another beer from Austin. "Hold on a second - first of all, I don't even like sweets...and as far as the Backstreet Boys (beer) - what is wrong with you? (beer) ..." Crowd: "Austin!" "If you through another... (beep) Forget it, Austin!" "I got plenty o' more beers, keep runnin' yer damn mouth!" "Are you done? Or..." Austin leaves the ring, throwing beers all the way. Holy cow, Austin took out the mini-oval silver screen in the middle of the Time Tunnel! Play HIS music!

It's the Granddaddy of 'em all - and we move from the exterior of the Garden to the Empire State Building!

Edge and Christian express unhappiness at the prospect of a rematch with Dogg and Kwik, simply because Foley says they cheated on Monday. They are interrupted by ... hmm, I don't know his name, but he's Kelso on "That 70's Show" ... oh, apparently he's Ashton, or whatever he just said. He's wearing a yellow Edge/Christian T-shirt. He mentions his movie coming out the fifteenth, "Dude, Where's My Car?" prompting Edge to ask "Where *is* your car?" "No, see, that's just the name of the movie, Dude, Where's My Car, anyway I was thinking of this great move, right? Called the Crankstand..." "How can you be thinking of moves when you can't find your car?" "No, no, man, that's the name of my movie that I'm in...Dude, Where's My Car, it comes out the fifteenth, anyway..." "Oh, I got it. Hold on a second here - you can't find your car, you made a movie about it, and now you have...no way of gettin' to the premiere unless you find it!" "No, no, guys...that's just the name of the movie. It's Dude, Where's My Car? that's it, like, I have a car, it's not a thing with..." and so on. "Wait a second. I don't think I like this too much - are you accusing us of taking your car?" "We didn't take your car! "We didn't take your car!" "What, just because we're Canadians?" And they stomp off. "I *like* Canadians!" Tazz enters. "Hey, rumour has it you can't find your car." He offers to hook him up with Joey Numbers...

MOLLY HOLLY (with SmackDown! is brought to you by THQ's SmackDown! 2 for the PlayStation, Crunch 'n Munch and EAS Steroids!) v. WWFDIVAS.COM - THE FITNESS MODEL - lookee, SUSAN SARANDON is in the front row with (presumably) her kids! Tim Robbins won the coin flip, so he was able to stay home with his principles while Sarandon had to be content with being a loving parent instead. Poor Molly is STILL smartin' from her hurtin' at the hands of William Regal last Monday - she's *so* hurt that she has to interrupt her "golly, I'm so gosh-darn cute" pose. The winner of THIS match gets a shot at Ivory on Sunday! Gee, wonder who'll win? (Susan Sarandon?) (Hush.) Trish's cleavage has been greased up nicely - kinda like Mona was back in WCW - hey, how come we never get to see her legs anymore? Trish runs into a drop toehold...Trish floats over, grabs the arm, and does her rapidly-becoming-a-trademark lightning arm wringer - again - holding the hammerlock...surprisingly, Trish forgets the counter that Triple H taught her and hits a snapmare takeover instead - Holly lands on her feet, off the ropes, shoulderblock - off the ropes, dueling hiptosses and Molly wins. Trish goes outside to take a powder. Hot shot before she comes back in, and now she's in control. Hairpull spin. Looks like T&A are coming out to cheer on their manager. Stratus has the hair again...another hairpull swing. Stratus with a semi-delayed suplex...for 2. Put in the corner...Frankenstratus! Holy cow! 1, 2, kickout! Stratus argues with referee "Blind" Jack Doan...maybe a bit too long, because when she comes back, Holly is ready with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmyforearm," again, CHOP!, chop, Northern Lights suplex with a bridge! But Albert is over to put Stratus' leg on the bottom rope...in plain sight of Doan, unfortunately - that boy ain't too bright. CRASH comes out at this point, and takes a garbage can lid to both men...but Test strikes back with a forearm and the double-team beatdown is on. Molly, having put Stratus down with a forearm, climbs the corner, ready to leap...only, Stratus pulls her backwards and into the ring. Albert with a press and drop onto the barricade for Crash. Stratus has the trashcan lid...Doan encourages her not to use it....then rings the bell when she does. (DQ 2:24) Cole says we didn't decide a #1 Contender. Seems to ME that you're rewarding Stratus if you buy THAT...nonetheless, I'll bet we get a three-way (heh heh) come Sunday...

Backstage, a limousine pulls up. Pat Patterson is waiting....Vince McMahon comes out with a cane in hand. Patterson helps him into his infamous Ironside wheelchair...and now he's WHEELING!

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When we come back, our commentary team plays with clay...on their way to hyping "Gary & Mike" - holy cow, we have to watch ads for this until JANUARY?

In the commishes' office, Crash pleads his case for Molly being the #1 Contender. Debra has an idea - a Triple Threat match. For some reason - perhaps that he's a dumb hick country bumpkin - Crash is happy with this...because in HIS mind, it's better for Molly to get her hands on Trish AND Ivory, rather than get a one-on-one shot at the belt. The Smark just told me to ask you "what do you expect? The WWF has been cheapening their belts for YEARS!" but then I asked him "didn't Austin just elevate the belt, and hasn't he been doing so since he returned?" and then he shut up...for now. Damn that guy - who let him in here while I'm trying to watch this show?

WILLIAM REGAL (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) and WELL IT'S KANE (with Let us Take you Back to RAW) v. KOOL MOE DEE & CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - "I stand before you, my friends here in New York City, a man NO LONGER besmirched, because I won my European title back again!" The pyro cuts him off as Kane comes down to ringside. I *can't* be the only one who thinks that Hardcore Holly's trunks look like they've been put in the washing machine running at the wrong temperature with the wrong detergent, but no matter, since the Y2J countdown is quick in coming - and even quicker, Jericho and Holly hit the ring to git it OWN. Standard Pier Four leads to Standard Guy Gets Thrown Out, So Ref Puts Other Guy In The Corner - in this case, Regal is the tossed and Holly is the positioned. Jericho still punching away on Kane...in the corner, kick, kick, kick, into the opposite corner, reversed, back elbow up from Jericho on the charge - leaping off the corner...but caught. Jericho frees himself and goes back to punching. Into the ropes, reversed, big boot from the Big Red Machine. Stomp, stomp, tag to Regal. Right by kane, kick by Regal, kick, kick, kick, into the ropes, back elbow, Euro forearm, forearm, into the opposite corner is reversed, Regal has that bulldog scouted and tries to clothesline Jericho instead...but it's ducked. Jericho to the midsection, and he DOES hit the bulldog. Crawling towards Holly - tag! Clothesline by Holly. Into the corner, into the opposite corner, big back body drop, shot for Kane, too - why not? Hollycaust! 1, 2, Kane breaks it up. Jericho flies in with a jalapeno. Outside THEY go. In the ring, Regal reverses a submission hold into a choke of his own...oh, sorry, "sleeper" - referee "Blind" Tim White quickly pronounces Regal KO'd. (1:53) Outside, Kane drops Jericho on the barricade. Lawler notes that Holly's sleeper was with the left, metal plate arm. Jericho manages a chairshot on Kane before he can return to the ring. Chair to the head! Jericho putting on the badmouth...play his music so he'll walk away! Jericho beats up some ringposts with the chair on his way out. Patti LaBelle says "he's got a new attitude!"

To Nick & Stef's Steakhouse we go, where Dean tells Lita that she's so incredibly beautiful that it actually hurts him to look at her. "If it makes you feel any better, Dean, it hurts ME to look at YOU, too!" "Oh, thank you." Dean gazes lovingly in her cleavage....and gets caught. "Have I mentioned that the way the lights hit your eyes are like two giant stars (back to the chest again)...blazing in the night sky?" "I don't know how you'd know that, Dean, you've been staring at my chest all night long." "What say we order." "Good idea." "Champagne?" "No!" She said it in the way that makes "no" a two syllable word. "Nuh-oh!" "Waiter - waiter, can we order please."

Vince McMahon is still WHEELING!

"No Chance in Hell" plays and BILLIONAIRE VINCE rolls out, flanked by GERRY BRISCO & PAT PATTERSON - that's a lovely wide shot of the entire arena, by the way. The Stooges help keep his descent down the ramp in check. Very gingerly, he rises from the chair, assisted by Patterson, to climb the steps .... and climb over the second rope, helpfully parted from the top rope by Brisco. "Never...I never again...thought I would have to suffer the indignity of ever again riding in a wheelchair. In my wildest dreams, I...I never thought I would experience the insufferable humiliation I did last Monday night...last Monday night, LAST MONDAY NIGHT was to have been a night of celebration - last Monday night was to have been a glorious night. Last Monday night I was to deliver the 'state of the WWF' address...but instead of that, last Monday turned into a nightmarish hell. Stone Cold Steve Austin...Austin abused me with a Stone Cold Stunner! The Rock...the Rock pummeled me with a Rock Bottom! And the Undertaker...the Undertaker took me. He took me on the Last Ride! That's not supposed to happen to a man like me! I'm Vince McMahon! Hell, I'm a BILLIONAIRE! AH CAN BAH AND SELL EVERY DAMN ONE OF YOU IN THIS ARENA TONAHT! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN TO ME! I'M THE CHAIRMAN OF THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION! A man like me...should be respected by people like you. A man like me SHUT UP WHEN AH'M TALKIN'...a man like me should be admired by people like you. Hell, a man like me should be *praised* by people like you for all of my accomplishments! God...that's not supposed to happen...to me. No, I mean...God, instead of a night of glory, last Monday night I was dealt with - with utter disdain and contempt - and I can tell you there's only one word - there's only one word to sum up exactly how I felt last Monday...by God...I was...I was VIOLATED. But I have to tell you this: never again. NEVER again. I promise you...no, I guarandamntee every one of you that'll never happen again. It would've never happened last Monday night had it not been for the protective umbrella of the commissioner, Mick Foley. Austin, Undertaker, the Rock, they would never dare - they would never dare take liberties with me the way they did unless they were protected by the office of the commissioner and that would be Mick Foley. I will never forgive those superstars for what they did - I will never, ever forgive, especially, Mick Foley for not only allowing it but encouraging it to happen. And all I was trying to do was to bring to your attention and everyone else's the jeopardy that those poor six WWF superstars are in that Mick Foley has forced into this Hell in the Cell match at Armageddon. That's all I was doing. Simply trying to--" Well, COMMISSIONER McFOLEY's music interrupts...and then Foley himself interrupts. Is that a sock in his waistband? "Foley! Foley! Foley!" Vince lowers his voice to a snarl. "You fatass. Tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna beat the hell out of you right in front of everybody here in Madison Square Garden..." As he gets some assistance removing his jacket, Foley breaks into laughter. "Wait wait wait waitwaitwait a second, Vince. Wait a second, wait a second...when I retired from the ring after Hell in the Cell in February, see, I made a little vow to myself that I was never going to return. But Vince, rest assured, if I was going to make an exception, it would be for you. Wait wait wait - but before I embarrass you worse than you embarrassed yourself on Monday night, I've got a little someone whose opinion you realy need to hear - someone who knows you real well, Vince...wait wait wait, no no no, it's not the Rock, it's not the Undertaker...it's the CEO of the WWF, Vince, it's your wife, LINDA McMAHON." "Whoa-oh-oh-WrestleMania" plays and out walks Mrs. McMahon. Handshake for Foley...and a kiss for Vince as she takes his mic. "Mick. Vince, I just wanna let you know I absolutely respect your opinion relative to this Hell in the Cell match.....but, I also respect his. Now Vince, I knew when I made Mick the commissioner of the World Wrestling Federation, you weren't gonna agree. But as you yourself have said, you would do *anything* for the WWF fans. And that's what I did. I knew that Mick would become what he is today - the most popular commissioner in World Wrestling Federation history! But Mick...that's not to say that I am not absolutely concerned about the physical well-being of these six participants in the Hell in the Cell match - I, I really am concerned, Mick." "Linda, I'm concerned too, but I want you to understand there's really one major difference between me and your husband - and no, I'm not talking about the fact that when I come down the aisle, right here in Madison Square Garden, the fans chant my name....like that, whereas when you came ROLLING down the ramp at Madison Square Garden, they kinda chanted a *different* name for you. And Vince - Vince, no I'm not talking about the fact that on Monday night, I came walking down to the ring wearing this very same eight dollar flannel pajama top...(I'm really focusing on the weird echo now) while you walked down to the ring with a thousand dollar Armani sports coat with a big gob o' brown spit on it...but I'm not talking about that, what I am talking about that when it comes down to Hell in the Cell and the six greatest athletes in the WWF in the most dangerous match ever devised...that you see those six individuals as investments, don't you Vince - you see them as commodities, you see them as money to be won or lost, whereas I look at those six individuals, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Kurt Angle, Rikishi, Triple H, the Undertaker and the Rock...you know what I see, Vince? I see six human beings - arms and legs, hearts and souls, I see careers that can potentially be ended, much like mine was last February. And I don't want that, Vince, no I don't - but, Linda, the sad fact is...in the Hell in the Cell, people are going to be hurt, because that's the way it is, with the exception of Kurt Angle, I have to believe that's the way that all the men want it. But I take full responsibility - injuries are a part of the game, but you have my word that if anybody becomes seriously injured inside that Hell in the Cell, not only will I take full responsibility, but I'll resign as WWF Commissioner. But as for you, Vince, there may come a day, a time, and a place when I kick your ass all over any arena in this country...but until that day, that time and that place, you try, Vince, to Have a Nice Day." Foley's music plays and up the ramp he walks...Linda is set to leave...but Vince grabs her arm....and pulls the mic back. "Before you take your leave...my God. I can't believe after all the humiliation I suffered Monday night that you come out here and publicly embarrass me by supporting Commissioner Mick Foley? How much - how much can a man take? How much can a man give? My God...I've given my life to WWF fans - God - I care for my family...I even proved recently that I have a heart in terms of our marriage. How much can a man take? SHUT UP. I said how much can a man take? Dammit, I'm not gonna take it anymore! I'm tired of giving - I'm not gonna give anymore! From this moment - from this moment on, the hell with WWF fans! From this moment on, the hell with my family! And as far as my marriage is concerned....as far as my marriage is concerned...I WANT A DIVORCE. I said I want a divorce - get out of my ring! This is MY ring! This is my house - this is my arena! Get the hell outta here! WALK OUT - WALK OUT - WALK OUTTA MY LIFE, AND, DAMMIT, KEEP GOING! AND DON'T YOU EVER COME BACK! YOU WERE NEVER - YOU WERE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME! DAMMIT, I'M VINCE McMAHON! I'M VINCE McMAHON!" Linda attempts to muster up some tears on her long walk back up the ramp...while, inside the ring, Vince runs the gamut of emotions himself. Commentators wonder if McMahon just had a breakdown.

Moments Ago - so nice, they had to show it twice. That echo, which was so weird for Foley, adds a real resonance to Vince's words.

During the Break, a crying Linda walks by the camera saying "I can't believe he did that" and tries to cry some more on her way inside the limo. Silly Linda - WOOD CAN'T CRY

CHRISTIAN & EDGE v. MOM II ... again - "Ah yeah, E'n'C in MSG! We're E and C and we ain't no strangers / we got more wins than the New York Rangers!" "All your New Yorkers with your bad breath spewin' / makes you wanna leave town like Patrick Ewin'! Yeah, true dat!" Dave Scherer asked me to rhetorically ask you "By the way, how good was it hearing Breen do sports on the Imus show again? Isn't it true that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone?" Hey, wouldn't it be funny if these guys ended up completely UN-over, and then somewhere there ended up a big warehouse full of Road Dogg & K-Kwik rap CD's that never made it to sale? Edge & Christian wisely punk out Kwik and Dogg in mid-rowd. Standard Pier Four into Kwik Toss, but referee "Blind" Tim White has problems getting another man outside - finally Christian goes. Edge puts Dogg down with a right hand. Stomp. Stomp. Tag to Christian - open kick. Snapmare takeover, kick to the back. Stomping on him, stomp, stomp, blatant choke, White stops it. To the corner, tag, kicks, into the ropes, double backdrop attempt is blocked and Dogg manages a double DDT. All three men are down and Kwik wants the tag - and gets it! Right for Edge, right for Christian, forearm by Edge, into the ropes, Kwik with a flying headscissors. Ducking a clothesline from Christian, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Kwik up and over, backflip, Harlem sidekick missed, but there's a gutshot...and a gourdbuster. 1, 2, Edge breaks it up. Dogg in, Christian out, Dogg out, they go at it on the outside while Edge works over K-Kwik on the inside. Boot to the head, stomp, setting up for the spear...but Kwik sidesteps it and Christian eats it! Dogg puts Edge in the bearhug while Kwik sets up for the ten-foot-high side kick - cover, pin. (2:18) Edge asks "Dude, Where's My Car?"

JONATHAN COACHMAN asks Undertaker if he's prepared for Sunday. "You see, Coach - you have to compete in the Hell in the Cell match to truly understand the brutality that's involved. It's the only match where winning is secondary to surviving. You have to be willing to put your career on the line. You have to be able to take as much pain as you give out...and that just happens to be my speciality. You see, when there's five other guys in there - hell, anything could happen. Probably will. But I'll tell you this - when it's all said and done...you gonna find out who the real badass is, and between me and you...you're lookin' at him. And tonight, in the Fatal Four-way, I'm gonna show you *exactly* what I'm talkin' about."

You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!

And now, it's time for the Lugz Peace & Joy! From RAW last Monday, the Dudley Boyz walked out in white shirts and black ties...Bull Buchanan took advantage of a distracted Jeff Hardy to score the pinfall with a scissors kick.

As we come back, STEVEN RICHARDS & IVORY & BALD VENIS are already in the ring. "Today...is a new day. Today, the light shines brighter than ever on each and every one of you." "Ladies and gentlemen, isn't it a blessing when the lost find their way home? And isn't a glorious day, doesn't it become even brighter, even better when the blind begin to see? Well, the Right to Censor is proud to introduce tonight to you two men who are willing to stand side by side and fight the good fight against violence, against vulgarity, and against scantily-clad...women. Once, these men were led astray, but now they have come home. Please, open your arms and help us embrace the two newest members of the Right to Censor...the DUDLEY BOYZ!" They've actually switched to black plants - handshakes all around as the RTC theme plays again. Buh Buh Ray hugged Ivory! "Mah brotha and sistas! The Dudley Boyz were LAWST! But thanks to the Right to Censor, they have shown us the path! Oh mah brotha Buh Buh...testifaaaah!" "That's right, D-Von...we did it for THEIR OWN GOOD. Tonight, the Dudley Boyz have turned the corner. Tonight, the Dudley Boyz have seeen the liiiiight at the end of the tunnel. We now realise that violence is WRONG. We realise that scantily-clad women are WRONG. And what about the tables? What about the tables, do you ask? Well, if putting people through tables is wrong.........then I don't wanna be right--" and they punk out Richards and Venis. Venis gets 3D (Dudley Death Drop) and they pick up Richards. "D-VON......GET THE TABLES!" D-Von sets it up....looks like it's superbomb time. Cole: "This is what freedom of expression's about!" Me: "Ummm, whaa?" Buh Buh Ray with the "landin' on mah feet" superbomb as Richards takes the trip through the table. Wassup indeed, gentlemen....wassup, indeed.

Back at the restaurant, looks like Lita's ordered one of everything. "Are you sure you have enough?" "Mmmmm....I think so." "You know, when I said order anything off the menu, I didn't mean EVERYTHING off the menu." "I know." "Well, I'm glad you have a good appetite because you're gonna need your energy level later, anyway." "(laughing) Really..." Malenko puts a hand on hers. "Enough with the games, Lita. You can't deny your feelings for me. You know as well as I do there's a chemistry between us. I'm handsome, witty, charming...I'm everything in a man you want, so don't even try to hide it any more." "Dean, you are right. I am so attracted to you. And I can't help, as hard as I try, to stop thinking about the two of us together." "Really? I mean...really." "You know, Dean, I am so attracted to everything about you, and I want you, Dean...I want you now..." "Waiter - CHEQUE!"

Armageddon promo - it's SUNDAY! It's HELL IN THE CELL! It's SWEET HOME ALABAMA!

SmackDown! 2 ad...#2, is it?

Let Us Take You Back to Heat when the Rock guest hosted the show, oversaw a pie-eating contest, and put a pie in Cole's face. Heat will be live Sunday from the BJCC!

Ashton Kelso and Tazz continue the wacky hijinks. Boy, wrestlers sure are STUPID. Kat catches up to him and shows off her nipples. She'd like a private screening of "Dude Where's My Car?"

Our hosts plug the movie one more time - hey, Lawler, your wife's a slut. Seamlessly, they move to some Armageddon talk.

Meanwhile, the Rock paces around in his dressing room! WOW!

Jesse Ventura hypes the XFL - listen to me, friends, it's a subtle point but an important one. If the XFL is supposed to be such hot stuff.....how come Ventura is wearing a *WWF* sweatshirt? February 3rd we'll see if this thing flies...or sinks...

Backstage Mayhem ad #2

Earlier Tonight, Vince McMahon made me wonder about their stock price

Also Earlier Tonight, Linda McMahon .... well, she TRIES

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with Commissioner Foley, who reiterates his promise to resign if any of the participants meet with serious injury. Foley goes on to blame himself for the demise of the McMahon marriage. He excuses himself from the interview to get a little fresh air...and walks off.

In the hotel room, Dean tests the beds. Picking the best one, he strikes a pose in robe and socks. "Lita...I'm waiting..." "Hold on a second, sexpot!" And here she is in robe...and bra and panties. "C'mere, Dean. Ever since you approached me, I've just wanted to ask one question:" "Oh, please don't speak - let the language of love do the talkin', baby..." "Just this one question - and I'll get more physical with you than you could possibly imagine..." "Well, since you put it that way...ask away." "Well, Dean...it's..it's...THIS right here" and she pulls his left hand into the frame, revealing a ring. "How's your wife feel about this?" "What?" "You know, the fact that you're really a sneaky, slimy, lying, cheating, two-timing, three-timing cheat!" "Lita, you know I spent so much money on this date...as far as my wife is concerned, let that go for now, but as far as *you're* concerned, you need to be taking care of Mr. Rockefeller." "Oh, Dean, I plan on it, Tiger. You just lay down here, relax and close your little eyes, and I'll take care of you right here in Rockefeller Center." "Well baby, there's just one thing left." "What's that?" "Turn off the lights..." "You know what, Dean, I actually like it with the lights ON..." The lights are up...and Matt Hardy stands over Malenko. "Champagne, Dean?" And he breaks the bottle over his head. Then Jeff breaks a lamp over him. They dump a bed on top of him. "I told you I'd give you a night you'd never forget!" And she tosses the vase of flowers onto the pile. And off they bounce...

Have you heard? It's six men inside Hell in the Cell for the WWF Championship at Armageddon!

Let Us Take You Back to Monday where the Alliance took care of their counterparts to close out the show.

And now, Kurt Angle is WALKING!

One more look at the exterior of the Garden. Castrol Motor Oily presents WWF Armageddon SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY from the BJCC in Birmingham, Alabama...ONLY on pay-per-view!

THEROCK.COM v. UNDERTAKER.COM (on his Beautiful Titan Bike) v. STONECOLD.COM v. KING KURT ANGLE MAY HAVE THE STRAP BUT HE DON'T HAVE NO DOT COM in a Fatal Four-Way for the WWF Championship - Hey, have you heard the joke about Heat? They wanted it to fit in more with the fact that it was airing on MTV, so they took all the music out! HAAAAA HA HAHAHA HA HA HA HA - GOD BLESS THE WWF because the champion has entered last - who *said* there weren't any traditions left at MSG? Angle doesn't want to enter the ring...so Rock and Austin approach from the sides, while 'Taker waits in the ring...Angle shouldn't turn his back on the ring, lest the Dead Man get his mits on him and bring him in by his big ol' thick NECK. Or by the medals...you pick. Undertaker lets go of him...and Angle starts to realise that he's in the middle of a triangle of terror. Undertaker strikes first with a soupbone. Rock with a right. Austin with a right. 'Taker puts him in the corner hard, back elbow, into the opposite corner, running clothesline, Rock with a running clothesline, Austin with an elbowdrop. Forearm from Austin, forearm. All three men pick him up. Into the ropes - Angle holds on and ducks out. Undertaker out after him...Angle backing up - Austin behind HIM, though - he turns back...soupbone! Undertaker takes him to the STEEL steps, then throws him back in for Austin and Rock to stomp away. Double into the ropes, double clothesline ducked...but Undertaker waits with a big boot. Rock covers - 1, 2, Austin pulls him off...they give querying looks to each other, and Undertaker sneaks in with a cover of his own - 1, 2, Austin and Rock each grab a leg to pull HIM off. Uneasy looks - Undertaker with a shove in the chest of each man, and they each get to rights on the Reaper. Into the ropes, double back elbow. Rock with a clothesline to take Undertaker outside. Austin with a spinebuster for Angle...1, 2, Rock pulls him off. Austin and Rock share a look...until Angle runs for them, and they both step aside and help him sail over the top rope to the floor! Back to the big staredown. The MSG crowd is getting louder and louder....Austni strikes first with a right, followed by a Rock right, Austin, Rock, Austin, Rock, Austin, Austin, AUSTIN, AUSTIN, AUSTIN, AUSTIN, AUSTIN, Rock blocks, Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock, NOW KISS THAT...but Austin *ducks* the spit punch - Rock runs smack dab into a soupbone, and Undertaker follows through with a clothesline to take down Austin! Clothesline puts Austin outside. Gutshot for Rock...setting up for the powerbomb, but Angle's back in and pulling Rock down into a Thesz-press alike. Stomp on the Rock, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, Angle picks him up, right, into the ropes, reversal as Angle holds on, clothesline from Angle is ducked, gutshot by the Rock, DDT, cover, leg is hooked, Austin pulls him outside at 2 - big clothesline on the outside! Austin wants a piece of Angle but *Undertaker* wants a piece of *Austin* - soupbone, right, soupbone, right, soupbone, right, soupbone, right, Rock in with a right for Austin, pinballing to Undertaker for a soupbone, back to the Rock, to Undertaker, ducking Rock's punch, so Undertaker throws the soupbone to Rock instead, and now ROCK is the pinball, right from Austin, soupbone from 'Taker, right from Austin, 'Taker ready to throw down again but Rock slips is - Rock Bottom attempt is met with a back elbow, another, Rock ducks Austin's clothesline, Austin KICK WHAM - no, Rock throws him off, into a choke from the Undertaker....but Angle decides to try to roll up 'Taker with a schoolboy by the belt - 1, 2, NO! Austin drops the hammer on Angle and mounts him for some piston rights....whoops, here come THE NEW MAN & RIKASHMONEY - Undertaker outside to meet Triple H with a soupbone, soupbone for Rikishi, soupbone for H, soupbone for Rikishi - finally the numbers take over - Undertaker put into the commentary tabletop - H with a chair as Rikishi does it again to Undertaker. In the ring, Austin and Rock are working over Angle - H with a kick to the gut, and a chair to the back. Rikishi with a right to Rock...into a WHACK from Triple H. Rikishi standing over Rock - EARTHQUAKE!! H with another chair to Austin's back. Undertaker back in - choke for Rikishi...but he kicks his way out of the choke. H with the chair to Undertaker! Angle back in with the title belt...the Alliance stands over the fallen faces and poses to boos. ANGLE TAKES THE BELT TO RIKISHI!! So Triple H WHACKs Angle. Play his music 'cause he's the last man standing - stomp for Austin, stomp for Rock, chair in position - neckbreaker on the chair for Austin! OH MY GOD - THE SMARKS WERE RIGHT!! TRIPLE H SINGLEHANDEDLY LAID OUT ALL FIVE MEN!! (No contest - call it 6:33)

Armageddon is Sunday - I *still* haven't paid too much attention to the card, but I'm gonna go WAY out on a limb and say that the main event is enough to sell it for most of us. Hope they give it an hour! And, who knows, Benoit vs. Gunn might hook some of the rest...but God knows why. No matter WHAT happens, I'll be back Monday night, and I hope YOU will be, too!

Finally... and hey, if I can take just a minute to get particularly personal... I need to ask your help with something, if I may. Kim's going in for surgery Friday at noon... if everybody could just take a moment to direct a little positive energy her way, I would really appreciate it. You know...even if you're not one who believes, it wouldn't hurt to say a little prayer anyway, just in case somebody over there CAN hear you. I'd apologise for being so selfish, but.....well, I hope to God it's just this once. Get well soon, kiddo - I'll be here when you get out. I love you.