PERSONAL: To Robbie Patterson - thanks very much for the letter! Unfortunately, the post office slashed open your envelope before it got to me. If you could email me, please let me know just what was in there and if I should sue the USPS, har har.

U! P!! N!!!!!!!!! (Thursday)

TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - W! W! F!

No, I STILL don't know the identity of that damn song. Stop asking me! If I find out, I'll tell you! But that's just the START of our opening clipfest. We move from highlights of Sunday's main event (which, you have to admit, looks better and better the more days that pass between me watching it and me writing about it) to highlights of the War Zone's closing interview between McMahon and Foley....and Regal and Austin.

Earlier Today, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley paid the commissioner and his lieutenant a visit. She's here to talk about her mother...she's not doing too well. Ever since Vince asked for a divorce, she's been very sick. She asks him to stop egging on Vince - he can be downright maniacal, after all, and he takes it out on the people closest to him...a little bit to her, a little bit to Shane, but mostly to Linda. Adding this to all the lawyers constantly calling and badgering, it's having a hard effect on her. Could he please take it easy on Vince - just a little bit? Foley says, out of respect for her mother, he'll try. He's not promising, but he'll try. "Thank you." "You're welcome."

Opening credits

PYRO PYRO PYRO crowd crowd crowd transmitido en espanol SAP - we are on tape from the Alltel Arena in Little Rock, AR 14.12.2K (taped 12.12) on UPN - it's the WWF and it's time to one again lay the SmackDown!

EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with Let Us Take You Back to Monday) v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ in a nontitle match - Our new tag team champions got wood in the big table match earlier this week, and this match - nontitle, of course - is the result. The Dudleyz hit the ring and it's on - standard tag opening ensues as Edge gets tossed outside, allowing referee "Blind" Mike Chioda to put D-Von on the outside so we can have it one-on-one. Buh Buh Ray with a big right, head to the buckle, once again, right, left, right. Big vertical suplex. 1, 2, Christian kicks out. Into the ropes, big press...and drop. Tag to D-Von. Overhand right. Into the ropes, reversal, D-Von ducks the clothesline and hits a neckbreaker for 2. Christian's done NOTHING - well, there's a knee. Never mind. Into the corner, but D-Von gets the boot up - free back elbow for Edge, right for Christian...but Edge pulls on the ankles, then crotches him on the ringpost. Wassup, D-Von? Christian drops an elbow. Tag to Edge. Stomp, stomp, six fists in the small of the back. Backbreaker across the knee gets 2. Commentators are talking about Foley - Lawler feels he should resign, while Cole cites the "public mandate" - Lawler reminds Cole that the WWF New York interviews ran about 50/50, and Cole goes back to the Memphis crowd. Stomp, headbutt to the small of the back, tag. Open shot to the back by Christian - I think they've picked a body part, Tom. D-Von tries to fire back, right, left, Christian to the face. Tag to Edge, open gutshot. Right hand by Edge, into the ropes, clothesline ducked, backhand ducked, crossbody by Dudley...for 2. Big double clothesline and they're both down. Rikishi's ruptured spleen has been downgraded to a bruised spleen and a lacerated kidney - well, that's MUCH better. HOT TAG! Back elbow to Christian, another, into the ropes, powerslam - 1, 2, Edge in to make the save but he ends up elbowing his own partner when Dudley slips out of the way - salto for Edge, full nelson bomb for Christian. Daring Edge to turn around...muscling him up with a bodyslam. "Wazzup." Testify dance. D-Von...steal the cable. But Christian stops D-Von from leaving the ring...in retrospect, a bad idea, as he falls into 3D - the Dudley Death Drop. Buh Buh Ray covers and counts his own three - unfortunately, Chioda is occupied with getting D-Von back to his corner. He ALSO misses a big belt shot by Edge onto Buh Buh Ray. Christian's arm draped over him - 1, 2, 3. (4:29)

Backstage, a limousine arrives. Patterson and Brisco are there to meet it, which can only mean...Vince McMahon has arrived. "What are ya gonna do to Mick Foley, tonight?" Before he can answer, Commissioner Foley shows up. "Hey, Vince! Listen--" "'HEY VINCE?'" "I just wanted to make sure there's no repeat of what happened on Monday night - neither one of us wants that. I mean, you're the owner of the WWF, but I'm still the commissioner and I'm not going to resign - I'm here for the long haul and there's gotta be a way the two of us to can exist somewhat - somewhat peacefully." "Coexist. You expect me to coexist with you - a man who took a nasty, filthy, rotten sock from your crotch and you stuffed it down my throat. You want me to coexist with you." "I would like that, yes." "I'll tell you what - I'll give it....consideration." And they walk off...

KING KURT ANGLE has a lot of pyro...and, quite possibly, a few words for us as well. "I would like to think that after winning the Hell in the Cell match on Sunday, and surviving a tag team tables match on Monday, and then being able to walk out here tonight with my head held high, that finally I will have earned some respect, a little bit of respect from you people. Oh, that's right - I forgot. I'm in ARKANSAS. I guess the only way to generate any respect around here is to gain fifty pounds, or have my way with some interns. What is wrong with you people? I'm sorry, folks, but that's not going to happen. And speaking of leadership, the reason I am out here tonight is to address the leadership situation in the WWF. See, I'm a man of integrity. When I give my word...it's good. Regardless of whether it's 'I did not have sexual relationships with that woman,' or 'if someone gets permanently injured, I will resign,' when a person, especially a person of authority gives their word, the honourable thing to do is keep it. But that's not Mick Foley's style, is it? I guess what I'm tryin' to say here is...that Vince McMahon was absolutely correct and justified in wanting to see Mick Foley go." "Ang Gull Sux!" "So Mick, when is it going to end? Mick, how many others are going to have to go down until you do what you say you'd do? I guess what I'm trying to say Mick is, while I'm all about the three I's, you're all about the three H's - a hungry, horrible hypocrite, and that is true. And one other thing, I would like to--" Screeeech CRASH and here comes COMMISSIONER McFOLEY. Cole says "public mandate" again - is that a euphemism for "broken storyline?" "You know something, Kurt..." "Foh Lee!" "Kurt, ya know, in the past I'll admit that I always found you kind of amusing, but tonight I'd like you to just shut your damn mouth. Because, you see, Kurt - no, no, you see, you got it all wrong, because once upon a time people *did* respect Kurt Angle - they loved Kurt Angle! I mean, I know you don't want this publicised, but ladies and gentlemen, this man won Olympic Gold at the 1996 Atlanta Games! It's true! It's true! But then, Kurt, an unfortunate thing happened - people got to know you! And they found it awful hard to respect a snivelling, whining, backstabbing crybaby. Now you're out here talking about my integrity - Kurt, I know I said I'd resign if someone became seriously injured at the Hell in the Cell, and the fact is, people did get hurt. But let's examine those injuries. Triple H was not so much hurt by the Hell in the Cell as he was an accumulation of injuries from an unbelievably brutal career with some of the damnedest matches we've ever seen. Not my fault, Kurt, no no -- shut your mouth! As far as Rikishi's injuries, the way I see it, Rikishi would not have been injured if it wasn't for Vince McMahon coming down to ringside with a truck and pulling the damn door off the Hell in the Cell. So you know, even though I've tried to work things out with Vince, I just personally feel that if I were to have resigned after Hell in the Cell, I would be more or less rewarding Vince McMahon for bad behaviour, and I can't reward people for bad behaviour, Kurt. But above honour and above the vow I made to Linda McMahon, I am staying on as WWF Commissioner...because I love this business. I love the WWF, Kurt, and just think - as wild as things have gotten with me in charge, with all due respect to Vince, if Vince McMahon were in charge, things would be a whole lot worse, and that, Kurt is true - it's damn true!" WILLIAM REGAL is out one more time, still resplendent in three piece suit - he takes Angle's mic. "Firstly, Kurt Angle, let me say that I respect you. I respect you more than that filthy philanderer from this state who runs this country, and I respect you a LOT more than this man here. Now, as for you, Michael Foley, you, my friend, are in need for a serious dose of a reality. You claim to love this business, but it's quite obvious you only love certain people in this business. When I was quoting Hamlet - Shakespeare - to the masses, and Stone Cold Steve Austin gave me a Stunner....where were you? You were sat on your big fat bloody bum doing nothing. When I was giving my Thanksgiving Day address and I was besmirched by the Rock...where were you then? Sat on your big fat bloody bum again, stuffing your pudgy face with turkey. And last Monday night, when I was just giving my opinion on how the state of this company is eroding, and I was Stunned again by Stone Cold Steve Austin....where were you? I ask you, Kurt - did Commissioner Foley do anything to that toerag?" "No, William, I don't think he did." "Precisely, my Olympic friend. When the good people like yourself and me need help, we get treated like dogs, but Commissioner Foley lets the hooligans run rampant in the WWF!" "Wait wait wait wait WAIT a second. Okay, William, you are right - up to now I've done nothing to stop the roustabouts and the hooligans in the WWF who have attacked you - who have besmirched you, but you're wrong about one thing, you see - I do love this business. I love the WWF, and I'm assuming that everybody out here tonight loves the WWF as well. And that is why I have come up with an idea that's going to make me happy, it's going to make them happy, and especially you two gentlemen, because you are going to get an opportunity to take out your frustrations on those two people that have besmirched you the most! DAMN their besmirching ways, because you see - right here tonight in Little Rock, Arkansas...you will be in tag team competition against two gentlemen that I will call the Besmirchers...they are the Rock...and Stone Cold Steve Austin! Oh, and William...have a jolly good day. Uh huh!" Hey, you know what? That's actually a pretty good point about Rikishi. The Triple H one is still a little weak, but maybe I was a little Smarky on that "broken storyline" comment.

Stephanie is WALKING! She catches up to Patterson and asks if he's seen her father. True to form, he stooges him out.

At least, seeing Edge & Chrsitian with the belts in this UPN bumper makes sense again...

Check out the lovely Alltel Arena from the outside

In Vince's office, he's on the phone. "But you don't understand. No no, I know you've got to deliver legal papers to her attorneys. You - but I want you to deliver papers to the mansion. I want you to deliver those damn legal papers to her, you got me? Every hour on the hour, seven days a week. Just do what I tell you to do! Now, one other thing...about the offshore accounts, she - she can't touch 'em, that's protected right? Come in. Good. I'm glad - Steph - hang on a second. What are you doing, Steph?" She says he's here on family business. "I am not gonna discuss your mother with you - not tonight, not any night." "There's pieces of the puzzle you don't know, there's information you don't know..." but he hustles her out - they're not gonna ruin his evening. "You're not gonna believe this - I'm not having a very good night. One other thing I wanna ask you...about the stocks and the bonds..."

WWF WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: WWFDIVAS.COM (with Let Us Take You Back to Armageddon...and RAW) v. IVORY - Lita has new music...again. I NEVER get tired of seeing one competitor pull another one up. Monday, Dean took advantage of an unconscious Lita with a kiss that threw out her back! At least, I *think* that's why she's still holding it. The champ has a mic. "Lita...just like Chyna, ya just won't listen. Now look what happened to poor Chyna. Look at the way you dress! The message you send, let me ask you - how do you expect Dean Malenko to treat you. Like a lady? No. Just like Chyna...you brought it upon yourself. Yes, you did. Now after I beat you tonight, Lita, I'm hoping that you'll change your ways. And if you don't...I'll have to change them for you." Even Lawler has to grudgingly agree with Ivory's logic. Ivory still pointing a finger at her...so she's surprised by the kick in the gut, arm wringer, to the hammerlock, leg sweep. Off the ropes (s-l-o-w-l-y), up and over, head down by Ivory, kick by Lita, clotheslines her down - 1, 2, no. Lita ducks a clothesline, gutshot, DDT. They're both down. Crowd is booing, so I smell run-in. 1, 2, no. Ahh, it's SMILIN' DEAN MALENKO. Lita, still holding her back, slowly climbs to the top...crossbody lands - but only gets 2! I think Dean's rooting for Lita here, judging by his response...too bad all he's done was distract her, because there's a tope through the ropes onto Malenko, and now, as Dean might say, "she's all over me!" Malenko defensively puts her back in the ring - Ivory, still distracted, easily falls into a death suplex - 1, 2, 3. (1:38) Malenko is visibly upset at Lita's loss.

To the commissoner's office we go, where an impromptu hockey game has erupted - that or a free shot of Debra's gams. Raven enters. "You summoned me, Foley?" Foley says he doesn't want to seem vindictive, but Monday he put his best friend out of commission. Foley says he feels like Raven needs to see action in a hardcore match tonight. Even better, his opponent has never been in a hardcore match! "Thanks, Mick!" "So it should be a walk in the park when you take on...the Undertaker." Raven's visage drastically changes. They wish him luck...

Jakks Pacific "WWF Backstage Mayhem" playset ad

You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!

When we come back, we're in Vince's office again...and again, Stephanie tries to have a word with her father. "This better be good." "It is good, and it definitely does affect business, because I think that our family affects business. Dad, there's something you don't know about Mom - she's very sick. I went to go see her, you know, a couple days ago and she had lost so much weight, I couldn't believe it in one week!" "Well, you know what - it's about time - she could stand to lose a little weight." "Dad! Mom could hardly even talk to me!" "You know what? That could be a blessing in disguise, too, because all I ever heard was yap, yap, yap all those years." "Dad, I don't know if you understand the severity of this - Mom was lying there in bed motionless..." "Well, you know what? That sort of rings a bell as well. Let me see - my wife...in bed...motionless...yeah. You know what, that rings a bell." "You know...sometimes, you're just...disgusting." And off she walks. "What, was it somethin' I said?"

BALD VENIS (with Ivory and the WWF Slam of the Week, presented by 1-800-COL-LECT) v. THA 1 BILLY GUNN - Punchfest erupts to start - Venis takes control, into the ropes, clothesline ducked, right by Gunn, right, right, into the ropes, back elbow. Kick to the gut, right, right, right, into the opposite corner and Venis hits hard. Gunn goes out to follow - right cross, into the STEEL steps, hard. Gunn says...something. It was really loud and angry, whatever it was. 1-800-COL-LECT Double Feature of the steps whip. Gunn puts him in the steps *again*. Scoop...and drop on the barricade. Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas decides that he's not gonna count to ten while he can still go outside and ask very nicely for them to take it back in the ring. Back in the ring...and only 2. Head to the buckle. Blatant choke. Korderas actually gets to five, but stops counting at four...gently asking him to stop cheating yet again. Gunn thanks him by threatening to punch him out. Into the ropes is reversed, and Venis manages a spinebuster. Ivory on the apron...and with Gunn nearing the ropes, she decides to try a free shot with the Women's title. Unfortunately for her, Gunn blocks it, shoves her to the floor, and keeps the belt. Ducks the charge, WHACK, well, Korderas has had enough. (DQ 2:19) Gunn leaves the ring and the chase is on...but Ivory runs through the ring, allowing Korderas to step between them. Play Gunn's music as Venis and Ivory take off!

Stephanie again walks by Mr. McMahon's office...will she knock? Won't she? She decides to go ahead and knock. No answer. Knock. Vince answers. "Dad...listen, you have to discuss this with me! You have to discuss Mom with me - the future of the business is at stake, the future of our family is at stake, there - there are lives at stake, Mom's health is at stake. Dad, I'm demanding you discuss this with me because you need to go home and talk to Mom. You need to get back together with Mom, Dad." "Well, let me just tell you this, okay. I'm not coming home tonight - I'm never coming home, uh huh!" And he slams the door on her. "If you won't discuss it with me in private, maybe you'll discuss it with me in public..." Man, you know what I was just thinking - maybe we could get a FOURTH segment out of this...and maybe it could take place out in the ring!

The Lugz Peace & Joy is Rikishi's tumble off the cage...from Armageddon

Sure enough, STEPHANIE ONO (with the TV-PG-DLV ratings box) is out to Triple H's "new" music...and in the ring. "Have I got your attention now, Dad? I'm sorry to have to do this, but I'm not leaving this ring until you come out here. You know, I think it's kind of sad that the McMahon family has to air all of our personal business in public, but if that's the only way that I can talk to you, Dad, then so be it."

We look at Vince, who's still on the phone in his office. "There's not enough margin - you've gotta have a bigger margin than that." Brisco barges in and clues him into the proceedings. "I can't believe this - I can't believe this..."

Back to the ring - I guess that was on the OvalTron. "I'm sure you can't believe it, Dad, but...I was trying to talk to you the entire time back there, and I'm not here to talk about me, I'm here to talk about MOM. Dad, I'm here tonight to try to save...your...marriage." "No Chance in Hell" (hmmm) plays, and here come the THREE MUSKETEERS. Remember how worried we are about two years ago when Vince said "when are we gonna get rid of that ring and have some REAL fun?" Kind of ironic that we all expressed concern....and yet, NOW, we end up with in-ring segments like THIS. Vince *always* gets his way, whether we realise it or not. Wow, I should have just turned those three sentences into a column. Oh well - I guess that's why I recap shows instead of writing columns. "Dad, I'm really sorry to call you out to this ring - I mean, you're one of the most influential people in America, one of the most powerful businessmen in America, and - and I really apologise for having to do this but it seems to be the only way I can talk to you. I tried to talk to you in the back, but...I guess you just really like to attend to personal, family business in public. Yes, I did call you out here. It was a week ago, Dad, that you stood in this ring and you asked Mom for a divorce! Why? Just because she sided with Commissioner Foley? I mean, I can certainly understand you being angry with her, but...a divorce? I - I mean, Mom was talking about business, and and you just went - went right - right right to family. Dad, Mom LOVES you, don't you know that? Mom is a good woman. She makes you breakfast every morning - she packs your bags every time you go on the road. Dad, she'd do anything for you - she loves you, you know that. You've almost had a fairytale marriage! I mean, you guys - you still date! You still go to the movies! Dad, I - I just want you to think about all of that before you go through with this divorce and make things final. Please, Dad...please think about your marriage to Mom - think about having children with Mom. Please...please reconsider. Mom loves you." Vince takes the mic. "Well now, you have referred to...my marriage as 'a fairy tale marriage.' Wow, I wonder where you got that from. Obviously, from your mother. So let me give you a little history lesson about your mother, okay? First of all, your mother lived...well, shall we say 'on the other side of the tracks,' okay? Your mother lived in the poor section of town, and let me tell you, your mother's family never lived up to the station of the McMahon family - never, not even close! Nonetheless, I admit I was attracted to her - I admit that. But there may have been a reason for that too, you see - your mother had a certain *reputation.* You might - you might say she had a, uh - a 'goodtime girl' reputation if you get my drift. Okay? So, let me set the stage for ya, just to show the kind of human being your mother is, all right? On the very first date, Stephanie...on the very first date, we had a REALLY good time. Oh yeah, we had a really good time in the back seat of her family's 1969 Chevrolet Impala - ha ha yeah, we had a damn good time. You say Linda loves me? Stephanie, you don't know your mother - she doesn't love me. Your mother loves MY MONEY, that's what she loves. Your mother loves the mansions that she lives in that I afforded her. Your mother loves all the sports cars - the Maseratis, the Aston-Martins. Your mother loves the luxury yacht. She loves the airplanes. Your mother loves all the jewelry. Your mother loves one damn thing - your mother loves the good life, that's what she loves. She didn't love me. But you know, Stephanie...as you stand here before me tonight, and I see you in a different light than I ever have. You know what? You've got the same blue eyes as your mother. You've got the same brownish, auburn hair, just like your Mom's before she had it dyed. You've got the same potty mouth as your mother, that's obvious - you open in and you say things before engaging your brain. And you know what? You've even got the same - (sniff sniff) - you've got the same sour scent as your mother. Yeah. You know what? I used to think of you as 'Daddy's little girl,' but now I look at you - you know what I see? I see your mother - I see two spoiled, ungrateful, little rich (beepes), that's what I see. So I'm gonna tell you that same thing that I told her, and that's GET THE HELL OUTTA MY LIFE, AND STAY OUT!" A crying Stephanie leaves the ringn and runs up the ramp. "And, by the way...wait a minute, I want you to give your mother another message for me. I want you to give your mother a message and that is that soon, after this divorce is final, there's gonna be a new Mrs. McMahon. Oh yeah...there is. A voluptuous Mrs. McMahon, I'll guarantee it - a voluptuous Mrs. McMahon that can keep up with my sexual prowess, uh huh. Yeah. And by the way, tell your mother that chances are...the new Mrs. McMahon is gonna be about YOUR AGE." Play his music! Patterson and Brisco, in shock, take off, leaving an enraged McMahon alone in the ring.

"WWF Backstage Mayhem" ad #2

Moments Ago, two pargraphs ago

Patterson and Brisco walk a crying Stephanie to the exit. "Hey - hey - wait a minute. Where do you think you two are going? Huh? Where do you - I asked you a question, dammit!" But they all left together, leaving McMahon to a dramatic fit of WALKING! (Well, gimping, anyway)

RAVEN (with SmackDown! is brought to you by THQ's "SmackDown! 2" for the PlayStation, Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli, and WWFShopZone.Com!) v. ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' DOT COM (on His Beautiful Titan Bike...with a Limp Bizkit CD cover) with hardcore rules - "Hey Foley - sorry about your fried, but did you see the way that cinder block crumped his head like a sand castle in the rain? And as far as you getting revenge on me...well, Undertaker, I'm like a trapped animal...I'm most deadly when I'm cornered." Well, shut my mouth, those STEEL steps have somehow made their way on end and away from the ring so Undertaker can complete a lap. Raven is ready with a garbage can lid, but Undertaker gives him a boot before he can swing it. 'Taker with the lid - WHACK! Head to the buckle. Into the corner, clothesline. Garbage can to the head. Foley and Debra watch a monitor from their office - and seem pleased. Raven outside the ring...he's found a tool box, and comes up with a pipe wrench. Wrench to the gut! Undertaker ducks...but gets it in the back. Into the ringpost - wrench shot misses, and 'Taker takes him to the steps. Soupbone. Head to the mat. Into the opposite set of STEEL steps. Big bearhug...back rammed into the ringpost. Head to the timekeeper's table. He's got the steps...rammed into the back of the head (and the barricade)! Commentator's tabletop is removed...and the monitors are pulled away. Chairshot for Raven. Raven's busted wide open. Not a Last Ride through the table? OHHHHH YEAH. Leg is hooked - like that's needed. 1, 2, 3. (3:01) Raven twitches OLD SCHOOL STYLE. He should have brought some cinder blocks to *this* match, don't you think? 'Taker drives back up the ramp...pausing at the top to deliver his "powe to the people" salute.

The Hardy Boyz are WALKING! Matt's *already* selling his shoulder.

WWF Home Video presents "Chris Jericho: Break the Walls Down" and "Kurt Angle: It's True It's True" are available everywhere! They WERE on sale at Suncoast, but that was a few weeks ago and I haven't been back to check.

WWF SmackDown! returns in a moment on UPN!

Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. They have no table - well, they HAVE a table, but it looks like that. Speaking of tables, the Dudley Boyz host Heat this Sunday!

HARDY BOYZ (with 1-800-COL-LECT presents the Royal Rumble) v. CHRIS BENOIT & PERRY SATURN (with Nipples) - Jeff and Benoit start. Kick by Benoit, elbow, elbow, kick, chop, into the opposite corner, Hardy up and over, dropkick to the back, kick, kick, into the oppostie corner, double leg takedown by Hardy, legdrop between the legs. Free shot for Saturn, and now the shirt's off. SCREEEEEEEEM Benoit put into the ropes, but he manages to avoid Hardy, instead shoving him into a slide out of the ring into the announce table wreckage! Saturn is quickly on Jeff on the outside, while referee "Blind" Tim White keeps Matt in his corner. Jeff's back meets the STEEL steps, and he's thrown back in. Benoit measures a stomp. Hardy grabs an arm, then a leg, and rolls it through - 1, 2, 3! Holy cow! (1:37) Benoit is shocked as the Hardys run up the ramp - even THEY express some surprise...

Who's Vince talking to on the other end of that phone, anyway? "I feel better that I've gotten it off my chest, and as far as the Stooges are concerned, I don't care if they ever come back. Come in! No, there's no - there's really no love lost there with that." The camera pulls back to reveal a tennis shoe, a sweat pant leg, and part of a lumberjack shirt... "Umm, hang on a second." Camera pans up - Foley's decidedly less happy than when he was watching Raven get his a few minutes ago. "Well now...Mr. Foley, are are you here to uh - call you back - are you here to coexist, Mr. Foley?" "No, Vince, I'm not here to coexist. I'm here to tell you that you can be the owner of the WWF but I'm still the commissioner, and you will have to contend with that for a long, long time. I'm here to tell you, Vince, that any father who treats their daughter like that IS GARBAGE! You understand me, Vince? And I'm here to tell you, that I may be a bad businessman and you may be very good, that as a human being, you suck, Vince, you're garbage, you're filth, you make me sick." Hd goes to leave. "GARBAGE, VINCE!" Vince ponders what just happened...and breaks into a satisfied smile.

Earlier Tonight, Lita allowed herself to be distracted by Dean Malenko, and ultimately paid the price in her match with Ivory. Lawler: "She couldn't wait to get her hands on him!"

DEAN MALENKO is already in the ring. "Lita...do you know how fortunate you were this past Monday when these lips were pressed against yours but for a moment - which I'm sure, to you, must have felt like a lifetime. You know that if I were to offer these lips to every woman in the arena tonight, there would be a line backed up right outta town. Cole: "He's worse than you." Lawler: "What are you talking about?" "But don't worry, Lita - you know and I know these lips are for one person, and one person only. So sorry, ladies, these lips--" Strangely, the Y2J countdown hits. Lawler: "Does he wanna kiss Dean?" CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO has some words. "Hey if you're lookin' for something to kiss, here's an idea - why don't you pucker up those lips and kiss my ass? I mean, I don't know if it was more painful beating Kane in the Last Man Standing match last Sunday, or watching Lita get hit on by a past-his-prime nerd with the sex appeal of Urkel. So Dean Malurkel, it's go time!"

DEAN MALENKO v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO in a (presumably) nontitle match - Malenko strikes first, right, right, into the ropes, duck, flying jalapeno by Jericho. Gutshot, right, chop, chop, into the ropes, back body drop. "Y2J!" Kick by Jericho. Right hand. EDDIE GUERRERO is out. Into the ropes, dropkick misses when Malenko holds onto the ropes. Leg lariat from Malenko. Right, right, kick, "Eddie Sux!" Into the ropes, Jericho slides under, Malenko catches the kick, and ALSO catches an enzuigiri in the chops. Right by Jericho, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, boot up by Jericho, tornado DDT, cover...but Guerrero is on the apron and referee "Blind" Jack Doan is spending all his attention on him. Jericho forearms Guerrero to the ground...and turns back to find himself in a small package. However, Jericho rolls it into a cover of his own...for 2! Into the ropes, head down, sunset flip by Malenko, but Jericho flips it - and counters with a big powerbomb! Going for the Lionsault...but Guerrero decks him as he comes off the ropes. Malenko covers - 1, 2, 3. (1:54) Post-match, Jericho lays into Malenko with rights, taking him over the top rope to the outside. So Guerrero comes in and punks him out from behind, but Jericho turns it around - double leg...Walls of Jericho! Guerrero taps...and Lawler makes fun of him tapping when it isn't a match. The rest of the REFS come out to try to get the hold broken...but Jericho refuses. Six refs can't pull him off! Oh, wait, they can.

Vince watches the doin's. "It's all on the Commissioner's watch...yep."

Jericho's music is cut short when he clamps it on him AGAIN. Where's Malenko? Guess he's still out. Play Jericho's music again!

"Backstage Mayhem" ad #3

Moments Ago...that Jericho's a fireplug.

The trainer attends to a wounded - and unhappy - Guerrero

Meanwhile, Angle catches up to Regal. "William! Hey, I just want to say how honoured I am to have you as my partner. And, no hard feelings about that whole Revolutionary War thing. I mean, the fact that my ancestors slaughtered so many of your ancestors...I mean, if we were in charge, there wouldn't have never been a war! Because we're civil, we can get along - unlike our opponents tonight, the Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin. You know what I'm saying?" "Listen to me, Kurt - I know that we can get along, but I doubt very much if those two swines of opponents of ours can. Let's go, come on." "Oh I know, it's true." Regal had four or five funny expressions in this short bit.

Meanwhile, KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands in the awesome presence of the Rock - who quickly invites him to stop talking with a wave of his hand. "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Little....ROCK! You know, the Brahma Bull and the Rattlesnake have never got along, never been friends, probably never will be, but tonight it's different. Because we have common enemies in William Regal and Kurt Angle. And you see, the Rock knows his opponents a lot better than they think - so see as we're in Little...Rock...the Rock has got a little story. Once upon a time, many many many many years ago, there was a little Angle...and a little Regal. And little Regal used to fly to the USA and pay his little friend a visit. And little Regal used to knock on little Angle's door. (knocking noise - 11) Little Angle would answer the door and little Regal would say this: 'I say, little Angle, in an act of goodwill, would you please come outside so I could play with your ball?' And little Angle would reply, and he'd say this: 'No, it's my ball! Only I can touch my litle ball. Nobody else! It's mine mine mine mine mine!' Back and forth, back and forth, little Regal: 'Oh please, little Angle, but just one time I'd like to touch your ball, feel your little ball, is that okay?' 'No no no, it's my ball!' Arguing back and forth, keepin' the neighbourhood up all night long, until they were paid a visit by little....Rock. And little Rock would walk up to little Angle and little Regal, and he'd say this: 'Little Angle - little Regal - ' (yes, puberty came early for little Rock) - 'the Rock has got a solution for both your problems. So the Rock says this: he's gonna take little Angle's ball and place it in little Regal's hand. And then the Rock is gonna take the ball and the hand, turn 'em sideways and stick 'em straight up little Angle's candyass! That way, everybody's happy. Little Angle gets to keep the ball, and little Regal gets to touch the ball.' A happy ending to this little story. Now all entertaining aside, the R--" "Rock E!" "All entertaining aside, tonight, on SmackDown!, the Rock and Austin, against Angle and Regal, and the Rock says this: you two jabrones get ready for the international ass kicking of a lifetime, IF YA SMELLLLLLLLALALALALOOOOOW what the Rock is cookin'!"

Stone Cold Steve Austin is WALKING!

SmackDown! 2 ad - is this really the first one of the night, or did I just go to the bathroom at the wrong time?

WWF SmackDown! returns in a moment, right after this UPN bumper!

KING KURT ANGLE & WILLIAM REGAL (with Well It's Kane - huh?) v. IF YA SMELLLLLLLL DOT COM and STEP OFF DOT COM - Rather than see Angle's pyro again, Kane's wall of fire shoots up, interrupting Angle's music. Kane is announced as accompanying the first team...well, this is a development. Lawler mentions Angle's Christmas invitation to Kane a few weeks back - oh yeah, I forgot about that. Regal and Austin start - Lockup, right forearm by Regal, left forearm, forearm, forearm, forearm, Austin fires back with a right, right, right, right, right, right, right, referee "Blind" Earl Hebner tries to get between them and while he does, Regal sneaks in a thumb to the eye. Forearm to the back. Into the ropes, reversed, KICK WHAM-- no, Regal shoves him off and heads to...oops, wrong corner, as Rock throws a right, pinballing Regal into an Austin right, Rock, Austin, into the ropes, Regal ducks the clothesline, but Austin buries the knee in the gut - 1, 2, no. Into the ropes, Regal with a sunset flip, but Austin just sits on him and punches away. Regal gets the legs under the shoulders and rolls it forward, but Austin somersaults backwards...got the legs - stomp to the lowermidsection. Regal catches a right, then manages a forearm and tag out. Angle runs...right into an armdrag. Arm wringer...Rock wants the tag and the crowd wants Austin to tag. Austin lingers just a bit on the decision...but does make the tag. Open right. Right, right, into the ropes, running forearm. Angle rakes the face, though. Angle with a right, right, into the ropes, head down, swinging neckbreaker by the Rock...for 2. Head to Austin's boot, tag. Austin puts Angle's head under his arm...but Angle shoves him backwards to his own corner, tag by Regal, left, left, left, left. Into the ropes is reversed...Austin with a sleeper. Angle comes in to help but all he does is allow Austin to hit a double noggin knocker. Austin with a snap suplex (Austin has a SNAP SUPLEX?) for Regal - 1, and Regal kicks out. Only 1? No wonder he doesn't use it. Arm wringer, tag to Rock, open shot to the midsection, right by Austin, right by Rock, Regal to the eyes, back to his corner and holding him open for kicks from Angle...as we look back to Vince McMahon's office, where a monitor is given regard from the Chairman. Right by Angle. Right. Right. Right is blocked, Rock with a right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Regal manages a slap, but it has no effect - Rock turns around and slugs him. Back to Angle...block, right, right, off the ropes but Kane (oh yeah! forgot about him) lowers the bridge and pulls Rock to the outside. Scoops him up...and drops him on the barricade. Regal over to stomp on him...then throws him back to Angle. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, right hand. Right. Right. Right. Into the ropes, Rock ducks, right, right, right, into the corner is reversed, Rock tries to catch him in Rock Bottom when he pops out, but Angle elbows out of it. Rock catches the kick - dragon screw legwhip into the Sharpshooter! Regal gives him a left forearm to the back to break it up. Back to Vince: "I've got a feeling things are gonna turn out real well for me here tonight - this is lookin' pretty good - yeah." Both men are down - who will tag? Angle decides to try to run at him...but ends up in a spinebuster. Is he gonna do the most elec--no, Kane pulls him out again - right. Austin is over, right, right, right, right, into the STEEL steps. Austin runs back to his corner - meanwhile, Angle AND Regal are both stomping all over the Rock after he manages to get back in the ring. Into the ropes, but it's a double clothesline by the Rock! Austin urges the crowd - and their voice swells. Rock crawls ever so slowly to the corner...Angle has the ankle, but it's not enough - HOT TAG! Right for you, right for you, right for you, right for you, right for you, Regal into the ropes, big clothesline, one for Angle, one for Regal, Angle into the ropes, spinebuster, Regal into the ropes, Thesz press, twelve quick rights. Meanwhile, Kane pulls Hebner out of the ring - might as well, since the rules are CLEARLY going unenforced anyway - block, right for Rock, right for Austin, right for Rock, right for Austin, Austin and Rock combine for a double punch that finds the mark and puts Kane down. Get to stompin'! But Angle and Regal are up - it's ALLLLLLLLL breakin' down here. Rock manages his spit punch on Angle, and Austin KICK WHAM STUNNER for Regal...but Kane has Austin in a choke. Austin kicks him in the nuts, then clotheslines him outside. Elsewhere on the outside, Rock is working over Regal, and tosses him in to Austin - KICK WHAM STUNNER - 1, 2, 3. (7:43) Austin's music plays. Angle grabs his belt and heads for higher ground...with Kane...and stares at Austni Regal is left lying like a dog. I wonder what he'll think about Angle when he wakes up?

Back to Vince's office for a coda. "Hang on a second here...let me get a drink of water. All right, I'm back with you. Who the hell-" It's a floor director with a cel phone. "Mr. McMahon, Mr. McMahon, there's an emergency phone call - emergency phone call - it's your son, Shane." "An emergency call from my son Shane....(into his phone) hang on a second... this better be good. Shano!" A surprised McMahon gets to his feet. "When? Well....what do you know? All right. Naw, I'll - I'll take the private plane home tonight. Mmm hmmm....keep me posted, I'll be leaving here soon, I'll be on my cel. All right, thanks." He hands the phone back to the producer. "My wife, Linda...they just rushed her to the hospital..." Is McMahon breaking down? Well, he *looks* like he's crying....but as his head raises and we check the mirror's reflection...he's got that sinister smile once again. And now...a rather evil look...and a visceral, almost glottal chuckle. "Heh heh heh heh heh..."

Credits are up and we're out.

Gotta get ready for the WrestleManiacs holiday office party - it stands to be quite a soiree, even though Ben declined to attend - apparently, our party was scheduled the same night as Vince Russo's, Roddy Piper's, Shane Douglas', Sonny Onoo's, and quite a few lawyers' - damn his popularity AND his Rolodex! E.C. couldn't make it, either - he said his wife told him that he was *already* spending too much time with us; besides, he'd probably just kill off the party anyway. We were pretty lucky to get the rest of the originals, though. Al is going to spend the entire party under the table, for some reason. Scott's all ready to say "the hors d'oeuvres were there - one a half stars" AND provide gift-wrapped copies of his upcoming book...provided we pay him for them in advance. Mike plans on attending...but he'll only be actually *talking* once an hour. Rick's gonna go into great detail telling us how totally shitfaced he's gonna get...then he'll actually GET totally shitfaced - and THEN, amuse us all by alternating between repeatedly saying "I love you guys" and continually apologising profusely for ever signing us to that damn WrestleLine contract. As for me, I'll be hanging the decorations, doing the catering, tending bar AND serving as DJ...because, dammit, I just don't trust any of these other yahoos around here to get the job done.

See you next week!