UPN...Thursday?

TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

"Last Monday" video package

Opening Credits

LIGHT IT UP - coming to you on tape from the Hive in Charlotte, NC 21.12.2K (taped 19.12) and airing on the United Paramount Network (transmitido en espanol SAP), THIS....is WWF SmackDown! And he...is back.

As "No Chance in Hell" plays, BILLIONAIRE VINCE swaggers out, along with a freshly-heel-crimpled STEPHANIE ONO. Lawler calls him "the Vince who stole Christmas" from Foley. "In the uh, in the tradition of the holiday spirit...that's not the tradition I was about to speak of...in the tradition of the holiday spirit, I have a confession to make. That's true, I - I have a confession to make. I would like to confess, and quite frankly I think many of you will find this difficult to believe, but I would like to confess that, contrary to popular opinion, I am NOT a role model. I'm not. I know I've probably burst some young person's bubble out there by saying that. I know that some middle-aged ne'er-do-well is saying, 'ohh, and I wanted my son to grow up just like him,' but I admit it. I am not a role model, although I have played one on television from time to time. But what I am saying - I'm not saying that's it all right to drive your wife of over thirty years to a nervous breakdown...I'm not saying that's all right. I'm not saying it's all right to fire a legendary performer and former comissioner Mick Foley at Christmas time - I'm not saying THAT'S all right. I'm not saying any of that is all right, I'm just saying it's all right...for me, because I'm Vince McMahon. And to quote Abraham Lincoln in his inaugural address, 'all that I am and I hope to be, I owe to....ME.' And quite frankly, as of late, I also owe to...DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL, Stephanie!" "Slut!" Stephanie hits her one pose. "Dad...Dad, you're giving me way too much credit. I mean, after all, I am who I am because of YOU. You're the one who gave me my superior intellect and genetics. You've taught me everything that you know. You've instilled in me the values necessary for me to grow and develop. I mean, you're the one who taught me how to find the weakness in people. Like, okay, Mom...for example. I mean, Dad, the reason why Mom could never excel in business the way that you do is because she always let her heart and her feelings get in the way of her brain. I mean, Dad, you were right...Mom is fragile. She's weak - now more than ever. But don't get me wrong - I mean, I love Mom...but she's just not the right person for the job. But, Dad...you are. I mean, you have - you have the reputation of being the most honest, and respected..." "Fo-ley!" "You can chant his name all you want, but Mick Foley is FIRED." "And unlike, yes, unlike Mick Foley, my father has always respected and treated WWF superstars fairly. And, Dad, I disagree with you - you ARE a role model. You have the reputation of being the most upstanding icon in the entertainment industry. Mick Foley never had that! Do you realise that Mick Foley allowed Stone Cold Steve Austin...to drop my husband Triple H's car from a forklift forty feet in the air! Mick Foley never bothered to check to see if Triple H was medically cleared to wrestle in a Hell in the Cell match! And Triple H *wasn't* cleared. And now my husband is in traction, and he is unable to do what he loves most. Daddy, I am so proud of you - you only did what you had to do to regain control of this company. I mean, Dad - the World Wrestling Federation, under your dominant rule, is far better off...and so are WWF fans." "So, therefore, from the McMahon family to yours, Happy Holidays everyone! Happy Holidays!"

TONIGHT: The tag team titles are on the line as the new champions face the old ones in a return match! Undertaker & Rock vs. Edge & Christian!

XFL Ventura monologue

Outside the arena, Vince tells Stephanie that she's done so much for the business...now it's time to go home and do the right thing for her family. "...the one thing I know is, if you have a spouse that's sick or hurt or something like that, you need to be right there at their side, to...to support them, and PLEASE give Triple H my regards." Vince waves as the limo leaves...almost immediately after, Trish arrives and runs a finger down Vince's back. "Hi Mr. McMahon - I'm sorry, did I catch you at a bad time?" McMahon looks back - limo's gone - no, it's a very good time. How's she doing? "I'm good - you know - umm, after Monday night, I did take quite a beating from Jackie, which is fine - I'm up for a good fight. I like aggression." I think Vince may need that smile surgically removed. Trish says, in the spirit of fair play (which she knows he believes in), a title shot for Jackie is in order. "You know, I think I get your drift, consider that down, by the way I can see it's very cold in here....let's go inside where it's just a little bit more...warm." Arm in arm, they start WALKING!

THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ (with WWF.com logo) v. LO DOWN (with Tiger Ali Singh) - "When my two brothers and I come out here, we demand ALL OF YOUR RESPECT. Quite frankly, I find your prejudice appalling. We are not taxicab drivers, we are superior athletes! And if your ignorance does not stop - well then, we will simply beat the respect out of your inferior...*American* athletes." Lawler: "Raghead - why are they dressed like taxicab drivers - these guys know how to operate the Slurpee machine?" On one hand, this is a timeless old-school stereotyping technique employed throughout wrestling's storied history...on the other hand, Lawler's comments....well, I guess I'm just glad *I* didn't say them. Cole makes it moot by bringing a perspective to which I can better relate: "Last I checked, Chaz & D'Lo were from Jersey." They stop at the bottom of the ramp and engage in ritualistic back turning, so the Dudleyz go outside to punk 'em out. Their turbans have CHIN STRAPS? Ha! The brawl spreads into the ring, where the WWF formula demands that one man quickly be thrown out - it's Chaz. As referee "Blind" Teddy Long puts Buh Buh Ray into his corner, a whip is reversed and Chaz trips up D-Von, D'Lo with an elbow to the back. Into the ropes, dropkick. Tag, Brown got him into the sidewalk slam position, Chaz with a legdrop to complete the combo - cover, 2. Kick, D-Von tries a right, Chaz with a right, into the corner, D-Von gets the boot up. D-Von runs at Chaz but falls into an atomic drop. Chaz off the ropes with a high clothesline. Stomp. Stomp. Chaz punching away on the small of the back. Crowd wants something....some type of furniture. Tag to Brown - Chaz puts Dudley on the ropes and has Brown hold him for the classic Beverly Brothers leapfrog splash onto the back doubleteam. Free shot for Buh Buh Ray..then they decide to go out and stomp on HIM, drawing Long outside...and allowing Singh to come into the ring and give D-Von a neckbreaker. Back in is Brown and Long - 1, 2, no. Right by Brown, into the opposite corner...D-Von sidesteps the charge and Brown jumps to the second rope - Dudley quickly behind with a super neckbreaker and both men are down. Both men tag! Buh Buh Ray with the clothesline! Clothesline! Sidewalk slam! Back body drop for Brown, and a clothesline! Tag to D-Von...Chaz on the shoulders - Dudley Device! 1, 2...Brown makes the save. All four men in the ring - now D-Von and Chaz outside...Chaz holding D-Von just long enough for Singh to try the clothesline...and take out his man when Dudley ducks out of the way. Cole sayd the legal men are in the ring, which is a DAMN LIFE - Buh Buh Ray with a boot to the face as Chaz tries the charge - scoop...and a slam. "Wazzup." Testify dance. D-Von...something something! Buh Buh Ray over to give Singh a right hand, taking him off the apron. Meanwhile, Chaz is back in and attempting to take it to D-Von, but when the whip is reversed, everybody sees it coming...3D! Dudley Death Drop! D-Von covers...hey, LONG knows who's legal - 1, 2, 3! (4:13) Even Lawler notices the chin strap on D'Lo. Replay of the finish.

After admiring the decorations in his office, Vince asks Tim White how he's feeling after the Stunner on Monday. "Well, I think I'm gonna all right - I'll be okay to work." "Are you sure you can referee tonight?" "Yeah...I think so." "Well let me just tell you this - from now on, on my watch...referees around here are gonna be treated with something known as...RESPECT. And you know what? I'm gonna show you exactly what I mean, Tim White - I'm gonna show you exactly what I mean, starting tonight." "Thanks, Vince." Vince starts singing "Deck the Halls" softly to himself after White leaves...

Let Us Take You Back to During the Break, when Steve Austin arrived....and he was WALKING!

Let Us Take You Back to RAW, where referee Tim White disqualified Steve Austin, thinking he had used the European title to knock out William Regal. Austin met this decision with some...resistance, namely, a Stunner and a beer poured on him.

WWF WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: JACQUELINE (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. IVORY (by her damn self...and Let Us Take You Back 2 Weeks to RAW) - "Jackie...I am SO disappointed in your behaviour. It's completely...immoral. Now I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to make an example out of you tonight...just like I did poor Chyna." Jackie swipes the mic. "Penguin, please.....let's dance." And then...THEY START DANCING! No, they don't. Don't they have this match every three months whether they need it or not? I know I'll regret calling this match in about a minute and a half, but let's go. Clothesline ducked, Jackie kicks, arm wringer, reversed - Jackie with an arm drag takeover, another - Ivory fights to her feet - into the ropes, shoulderblock by Jackie. Up and over, Ivory leapfrogs, Jackie dropkicks. 1, 2, no. To the corner, right, right, whips her into the opposite corner, Jackie going for the monkey flip...but she forgot to take Ivory with her and lands flat on her back. Ivory rolls her up - 2. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Tonight, Regal takes on Hardcore Holly with the title on the line! And don't forget the tag team title bout! Ivory with an arm wringer, pounding on the arm - Northern Lights suplex...2. Ivory with the half nelson...Jackie elbowing out. Right by Jackie, into the ropes, back body drop. Repeatedly ramming her head into the mat...well now STEVEN RICHARDS, WALL BUCHANAN & GOODFATHER are out to boos. Jackie with a right, into the ropes, spin kick - cover...but Richards has referee "Blind" Jack Doan's attention. Of course, that means that he's missing Goodfather pulling Jackie off. Doan tells Goodfather & Buchanan they aren't welcome at ringside, and while they argue, Jackie comes off the ropes with a baseball slide dropkick to both of them! Unfortunately, her back is to her opponent - Ivory hits the DEVASTATING schoolboy...for the fall. (2:08) The ACOLYTES run out to clear the ring of Buchanan & Goodfather...I smell feud a-brewin'. So how did Trish figure into all this?

Backstage, Debra watches the proceedings on the Magic Window... "Damn shame!" says Vince. All those run-ins are a holdover of the Foley regime. As well, Foley never treated HER fairly. He'd like her to be HIS lieutenant commish - what kind of match would she like to make if she were in that position? Debra offers Steven Richards vs. Billy Gunn, since RTC has never been punished for what they did to Chyna. McMahon says he WILL make that match...and Debra agrees to become lieutenant commissioner. They shake on it...and Debra rolls her eyes after Vince leaves...

Royal Rumble promo - MIDGETS AND AMISH

You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!

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Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. Lawler's cel phone rings...it's a phone call from Gary & Mike. Oh Lord. I leave it to you to figure out how a couple of animated guys can show up next week.

Outside the arena, another limousine pulls up - and exiting are a serious Edge & Christian...and a chipper Kurt Angle. "Kurt...I know we've talked about it since Monday, and I know we have a rematch tonight, but we want our titles." "Guys, of course you'll get 'em back. You're the best tag team in the world! Why wouldn't you?" "We know that, Kurt, but seriously...we want our tag team titles back tonight." "Guys. You guys worry to much - let's go!"

KEVIN KELLY stands in the unwavering presence of the Rock. Did he just say he and Undertaker "unexpectedly" became tag team champions? "The Rock and the Undertaker unexpectedly became tag team champions? Unexpectedly? Let the Rock ask you a question, Kevin Kelly. Was the Rock in the match?" "Yes." "Did the Rock lay the smack down?" "Yes." "Are you a man with no testicles?" "Yes--no!" "Yes?" "No!" "Yes, you have no testicles? No, no you have no testicles? Now shut your mouth - ask the Rock your question." Was his victory marred by the public humiliation and firing of Foley? "You know, the Rock heard what happened last Monday night. The Rock heard that Vince McMahon gained total control of the WWF. The Rock heard that Mick Foley got fired. And the Rock also heard that when Kurt Angle and Vince McMahon had Mick Foley down, Edge and Christian waited for him to get up...and hit him in the head with two chairshots. Well, congratulations Edge and Christian. It takes real big men to beat on Mick Foley when he's down, real big men to beat on Mick Foley when he's bleeding. Well, Edge and Christian....tonight, why don't you come and beat on the Rock." "Rock E!" "You see, Edge & Christian, tonight's a very special night, something you're failing to realise. Unlike any other night, tonight is the Rock's show, tonight...is SmackDown! And the Rock is gonna make it very simple - no convoluted plan, no twists, no turns, no plots. And it goes like this: here's the WWF tag team title...here's the door, here's the ceiling, here's the floor, here's a man with no testicles. And here's the Rock. And here's the People's Eyebrow, here's the People's Elbow and here's the Rock's boot, which means he's gonna take it and he's gonna whip both your candy(beep) all over Charlotte!" "Rock E!" "Edge and Christian....IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLALALALALAOWWWWW what the Rock...is cookin'."

Vince McMahon is WALKING! There's a knock on Stone Cold Steve Austin's door...and he enters. He asks him to hold on a minute...he's in the holiday spirit, and he's hoping he is as well. "I've got some news for you - you know, what you did to poor Tim White, the official Monday night when--" "He made the wrong call! What do you expect me to do?" "But you Stunned him and you poured beer all over him - you, you can't - you can't spit in the face of authority like that, you've got to learn to respect it!" "Really?" "Well, I mean..listen, I don't want you to think this is punishment - I, that's not where I'm going here, okay? This is not - no, no no...and I'm not even asking you to compete, okay, and I've got complete and total authority now, I'm not asking you to compete tonight. All I'm asking you to do is to be an official - you see, I want you to know what it feels like to be an official like Tim White." "Well I came here to compete and you want me to be a referee, that's what you're saying to me?" "That's exactly what I'm saying. As a matter of fact, I have a match picked out that shouldn't be too difficult for--" "Now you're saying I'm stupid." "Nonononono, not at all, I am NOT saying anything like that at all. It's just that tonight, you're refereeing the - the European title match, and if I were you, I'd - I might wanna get a more appropriate shirt than the one you're wearing for an official, okay? I'll see ya out there--" "I'm telling you right now I don't wanna be an official." "Well, now I don't want this to, you know, break the Christmas spirit, all right? I mean....but Stone Cold as an official works for the WWF, so, thank you very much, and....I'll, I'll see you out there, okay? Thank you. Oh, one thing - there's one - I'd - I'd be remiss if I didn't say....Merry Christmas." "Yeah, Merry Christmas to you Vince, you ain't gonna like me as a referee."

The Hardy Boyz & Lita are WALKING!

Meanwhile, Chris Jericho is WALKING! It's a six man versus the Radicals NEXT!

SmackDown! 2 ad

WHY would you pay $85 when you ALREADY have a perfectly good oven to put your frozen pizzas in? I mean, how many frozen pizzas do you EAT, anyway? I *maybe* have one a month...and I consider myself on the high end of frozen pizza eating!

And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, presented by 1-800-COL-LECT...from Monday, Benoit quickly dispatches Jeff Hardy in an IC title defense.

PERRY SATURN & VANILLA MIDGETS (with Terri...and Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. HARDYZ BOYZ (with Lita) and CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - Monday, Jericho put Terri in the Walls of Jericho...which, in retrospect, was a pretty bad idea as all three of the Radicalz tripleteamed him afterwards. Jericho's got THE STICK: "You know, it is so nice to see, in this holiday season, that even the Radicalz have found that special somebody to cuddle up to. I mean, you have Perry Saturn and his girlfriend Terri (the Tramp)....and then you have, Dean Malurkel, and his 'when hell freezes over and platypuses fly outta my butt' girlfriend Lita. And then you have Chris Benoit. Mr. Roboto, I was so excited for you when I found out that even you, too, found that special someone, and judging from this photograph, you two are a perfectly matched couple!" Jericho puts a photo of Benoit and the Jetsons' maid on the OvalTron. "That is a beautiful shot - and now that you've found her, I guess all you want for Christmas now is your one front tooth. Monocles...it's go time!" They rush the ring and it's a Pier Sixer, baby. Malenko quickly clotheslined out by Matt - Benoit and Jericho going at it in the corner, Saturn put into the ropes, double back elbow, legdrop/fistdrop combo. The Chrisses are outside as the Hardyz stay on Saturn. Tandem legdrops. Saturn in the corner, Matt stomping and ready to go down for Poetry in Motion, but Terri has Jeff's ankle. Jericho over to grab Terri...Malenko saves her. THEY go at it, but Jericho managed to put Terri in the ring for the Hardyz, first. Wedgie! Wedgie! Hardyz try their version of the double wheelbarrow, but Saturn breaks her fall. Benoit kicks Matt, and Matt goes out. I think it's FINALLY down to one on one as Malenko kicks at Jeff. 1-800-COL-LECT Double Feature from a non-ass-lookin' standpoint, so what's the point? Damn TV-PG rating. Tag to Benoit, open kick, right, kick, shoulder first into the turnbuckle, kick, kick, arm wringer, tag to Saturn for the open kick. Northern Lights onto the hammerlock. Malenko in - into the corner, sat on top, right hand, Hardy fights him off and shoves him to the mat - swantonbomb! But Jeff is hurt, so he tags out to Jericho - clothesline! Off the ropes, flying jalapeno! Chop, into the ropes, back body drop, right for Saturn, right for Benoit - springboard dropkick to Malenko on the apron...he falls to the floor. Lita is over to...check on him? No, it's a ruse - she shoves Malenko hard into the STEEL steps. It's ALL breaking down now - Matt puts Malenko back in the ring...then goes after Saturn, who was chasing Lita up the ramp. Bulldog by Jericho on Malenko - Lionsault - 1, 2, 3! (3:13) I went though this whole match without mentioning Hebner. Sorry.

Backstage, Vince greets Rodney (MEAN STREET CAMEO!) then catches up to Raven. "Al Snow, okay?" "Al Snow." "You did what you had to do." "Absolutely!" "It's all on Mick Foley's head, not on yours, all right?" "Damn Foley." "Now then...I was impressed, however, also with your match with the Undertaker." "Oh...Undertaker." "Look, a man like you who stood up to the Undertaker needs to be rewarded." "Yeah, I stood up to him!" "So therefore, tonight you get a shot at Blackman's hardcore title." "It's about time. Thank you very much." "Good luck." "Thank you!"

Meanwhile, Austin arranges for some kegs. Tim White hand-delivers a ref shirt for him to wear, and distinguish himself as the referee. "I ain't gonna wear that..it'd be sacrilege!" Instead, he grabs some white spray paint and paints "REF 3:16" on his own T-shirt. It's NEXT!

WWF Home Video "Break Down the Walls" and "Kurt Angle: It's True It's True" ad

Jakks Pacific "Backstage Mayhem" ad

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WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: WILLIAM REGAL (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. KOOL MOE DEE - "Hullo to all my friends here in Charlotte! My victory last Monday night over Stone Cold Steve Austin...was a victory for goodwill everywhere. It just goes to show you that good manners and proper etiquette can OLWAYS victor over a dirty, foul, insignificant, filthy miserable uncouth toerag like Stone Cold Steve Austin. Thank you for your time, thank you." Don't forget: RAW is WAR will be ALL-NEW Christmas Night! (I'll bet the opening credits will be EXACTLY the same.) Still no ref...oh, wait, here comes STEP OFF DOT COM wearing his customised shirt. Words for Holly, words for Regal. Regal wants to keep talking, Holly wants to GIT IT OWN and forearms him (right) in the back, so Austin rings the bell. Right, right, right, in the corner, kick, kick, kick, kikc, into the opposite corner is reversed, but Holly gets the boot up, shoulder to the turnbuckle, powered out by Regal, shoulderblock by Holly, up and over, knee in the gut by Regal. Meanwhile, Austin's had a beer tossed to him. Regal covers - Austin over...to sip his beer. Holly kicks out at zero. Austin calls for another beer - Regal with a chop - Holly reverses, gutshot, into the ropes, Best Dropkick in the Business (FINALLY got Cole to call it that - thanks, Cole), Holly covers...Austin slow to get over with two beers in his hand, Regal kicks out at 1. Holly: "What the hell you doin'?" Austin: "Only a one count, only a one." Regal from behind, another forearm, stomp, stomp. Austin outside as Regal knees him. Austin asks for a headset. Holly reverses the double underhook by lifting him up and over, across his back...wow. Too bad we're looking at Austin. "I never realised how thirsty refereein' made me - hold on we got a near fall." Holly drops Regal backward - 1, 2, no. "Two count!" Holly with a right, into the ropes, clothesline (right). Suplex. Cover - Austin with a Tommy Young-esque dive (ha!)...and a one. Holly takes umbrage...Gutshot by Regal, into the opposite corner is reversed - Regal tries to stop himself, but brushes Austin...spilling his beer. Austin expresses some....disappointment in Regal. KICK WHAM STUNNER #47! Holly, who not only is too lame to bust out his left forearm but is ALSO too lame to cover Regal to take the title, take it up with Austin. KICK WHAM STUNNER #48. Austin has two more beers thrown to him....and starts a ten count. Crowd picks it up so Austin goes for a cold one...but *now*, the puro goes off and WELL IT'S KANE walks out. Austin starts to get serious. Right, Kane right, Austin, Kane, Austin, Austin, Austin, Austin, Austin, Austin, Regal from behind with a left, Austin turns aroundn and throws rights to HIM - Regal with an eyepoke. Kane with ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. Play his music and hit his lighting treatment! I guess that'll do us for this segment. (No contest? About 4 minutes)

WWF Fanatic Series: Three Faces of Foley in December! What's left of December, anyway

"No Mercy" ad - I SUCK at this game, by the way. Perhaps I'm too old

Jakks Pacific "Backstage Mayhem" ad #2

You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!

It must be close to Christmas, judging by all these commercials

Hey! That guy said "arse!" THIS IS A TV-PG SHOW!

Moments Ago, something entertaining happened...then Kane showed up

Backstage, Austin goes prowling for Kane...but finds Vince. He accuses Vince of sending Kane - Vince vehemently denies it...but offers him in a match...on Monday. Austin accepts. Wow, when was the last time they told us what was coming up on the next show?

CRASH & MOLLY HOLLY (with SmackDown! is brought to you by Crunch 'n Munch, WWF Shop Zone dot com, and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Beef Ravioli) v. KAI EN TAI - If you haven't been watching Heat, you probably don't know that the men from the land of the Rising Sun have hired La Parka's voice coach, who apparently didn't have anything better to do with WCW firing all the non-English speakers. Taka with THE PROP: "Hollys! Tonight we put an end to your foolish antics! Your family has grown tired and worrisome!" Funaki: "In-DEED." And they rush the ring. Taka easily kicks Molly while Funaki and Crash back and forth it - double whip from Kai & Tai, double duck, double ranas by the Hollys! Double dropkick! Kai takes a powder, allowing referee "Blind" Tim White to direct Molly to the outside. Holly kicking away on Tai - whip into the opposite corner is reversed, boot up by Crash, Tai ducks the clothesline and hits a death suplex. Stomp. Into the ropes, nice drop toehold...Kai in for the trademark camel clutch/bow and dropkick to the face combo. I LOVE that move. Molly in - White keeps her away. Crash peppers Tai, but runs into a back elbow off the ropes. Head to the tuncbuckle, BIG kick which lingers in a choke on the neck. Tag to Kai...who ends up going back outside (huh?) while Tai puts Crash into the adjacent corner. Whip into the opposite corner, big superkick. Snap suplex. Stomp, Kai in and they doubleteam on the stomping. White protests, they blow him off. Now *Molly's* in - slap for Kaik, kick, kick, full rotation on the chop. Reversed, kick - now we check out Crash and Tai, who are exchanging punches. Molly whipped into Crash who boosts her over his head into a press! Into the ropes, floatover DDT on Tai by Molly. Holly takes Kai out with a slop drop, and he rolls out. Molly with a missile dropkick on Tai! Tornado bulldog by Crash! 1, 2, 3! (2:31)

LILIAN GARCIA is backstage with Undertaker. How's he feel about things? "Well, me and McMahon go way back. Hell, I probably know more about Vince than Vince does himself. So we kinda have an understanding. If Vince stays out of my yard...Vince won't get hurt. As far as the rematch goes...Edge and Christian...pain is the name of the game."

To the challengers' locker room. "The name of the game is pain? What's he talkin' about?" "I don't know, it sounds like the Undertaker wants to get himself intentionally disqualified so he and the Rock can retain our tag team titles!" "Guys, guys, what are you worried about? It's just an expression! 'The name of the game is pain.' Why are you so worried? You guys are the four-time tag team champions." "Kurt, this is serious. You promised us we'd walk away with our tag team titles tonight." "You promisd!" "Hey, listen, if you're worried that much...I'll see what I can do, okay? All right?" "I hope so."

Meanwhile, Steve Blackman swings his mighty weapons! He's NEXT!

RAW is WAR airs on TNN - if you don't get it, demand it!

The Royal Rumble Replay is from 1996, when Shawn Michael superkicked Diesel out of the ring to win his second Rumble in a row. Vince McMahon and Mr. Perfect provide commentary!

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: MR. PARTY TIME (with the WWF.com logo...and Riggs & Murtaugh) v. RAVEN (with his own plundah...but I don't see a cinder block) - Raven dumps his garbage can in the ring. Blackman decides to go outside. "You wanna play?" He produces a kendo stick of his own. Raven has a stick...and a garbage can lid. Raven takes a swing - Blackman parries and hits the lid. Repeat. Blackman's had enough of this - he asks him to take a shot at him - Blackman sidesteps it, stick to the back, stick to the front, legsweep with the stick. Stomp. Blackman looks for something else to use - got a trashcan lid - into the ropes, and kneecapping him. Discus lidshot to the back of the head - SOMEHOW Raven kicks out at 2. Raven with a surprise lid shot. Outside the ring we go - Raven with a Russian legsweep into the barricade. Head to the barricade. Running at Blackman, but he ducks and Raven crossboy blocks a fan. Blackman over, reposition the fans...whoops, he's got a fan in a black T-shirt, but that ain't Raven - Raven's the guy who just caved in your head with a popcorn tray. Back to the ring we go, Raven with a trashcan lid in each hand, but Blackman outquicks him and takes him over with an arm drag - lethal punch, lid to the head, 1, 2, Raven smites HIM with a lid to the head. Kendo stick to Blackman's abs, and to his back. Blackman's down...Raven has the garbage can, stalking him...Blackman with a drop toehold and Raven's head bounces off the can! Blackman brings another garbage can...and the It's Party Time sticks. Hundred sticks to Raven. Another shot to the back. Stick-in-the-crotch slam. 1, 2, KICKOUT!! What's Blackman got left? Raven with an uppernut to turn it around - Raven DOES know how to use the fire extinguisher. Raven with a boot to Blackman's head. Picking up the can, daring him to come near him as he climbs the corner - Blackman with a superkick to the can to Raven's head - he leans back on the top turnbuckle. Blackman up top...yikes, I don't like the way that garbage can is standing on end - SUPER DDT onto the garbage can! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3. Good night. (4:10) HIS HOUSE! Raven should have brought his cinder block.

To Vince McMahon, fingering his wedding band...and welcoming "Kurt Angle! Let me just say...last Monday night, you proved yourself to be a GREAT WWF Champion." "Thank you very much, Mr. McMahon, I really appreciate that. But I was talking to Edge and Christian, and they're a little concerned about tonight's match. Umm, they're a little worried that, you know the Rock and the Undertaker might cheat or get themselves disqualified in their match, and...I don't know what to tell them, you know?" "Mmmm....mmmmmm! Tell them...tell them I think I've got an idea - I think I've got an idea that's going to make certain that this is a very...*fair* match for them." "All right." "Okay...and before you do...let me ask you a question. Always wanted to know. (grabs a medal) This one, okay? There's got to be a story - there's got to be a story behind this one..." "Oh, a good one." "Yeah..."

Strange to see an ad for "The Hughleys," which airs same time as some other show on TNN...

SmackDown! 2 ad #2

"No Mercy" ad #2

And now, the WWF Rewind, presented by Presto, makers of the Pizzazz pizza oven! From Monday, Val Venis gets the duke on Billy Gunn...with a little help from his friends.

Angle is back to his mates. "Listen, guys - I talked to Mr. McMahon, and we had...we had a wonderful conversation. And he guaranteed a fair match tonight." "And...?" "And - and you're gonna run down and help us, right?" "Guys. Now do you think that would be fair? I don't think so. Listen, you guys'll be fine, don't worry. Just do your best. New champs, I know it." "Kurt! ....what's he TALKING about?"

THA 1 BILLY GUNN (with 1-800-COL-LECT presents the Royal Rumble 21 January!) v. STEVEN RICHARDS - we pause before Richards' entrance to allow Lawler to shill Lugz. Cough, cough. Gunn is out to meet Richards before the bell, right, into the ring, bell rings, Richards begs off. Gunn with a kick, right, right. Cole predicts this'll be "slow, methodical, and painful" which is a straight line if I ever heard it. Into the opposite corner, Richards ducks a clothesline, Gunn ducks a superkick, Gunn lands a clothesline. Stomp, stomp, stomp...Debra watching the Magic Window...Gunn with the Impossible Press followed by the quick drop. Mount, right, right, right. Referee "Blind" Chad Patton" would like him to please open the fists up. In the corner, right, right, right, right, yelling at Patton...and Richards manages a low blow. Running, swinging neckbreaker. Chop by Richards. Into the opposite corner, elbow to the back (I think). Richards over his back, rabbit punching his head, blatant choke...and to a version of the camel clutch...Gunn slowly powering up...got Richards on his shoulders - drops him in an electric chair. Both men are down. Richards up - Gunn blocks, right. Block, right. Into the ropes, powerlsam by Richards. Into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl slam. Cobra clutch slam - 1, 2, 3. (2:47) Get Gunn some oxygen STAT!

Edge & Christian are WALKING!

Meanwhile, Undertaker is WALKING!

Meanwhile, Rock is WALKING!

Meanwhile, Gangrel is WALKING!

No, wait, that last one only happened in my mind.

You're watching WWF SmackDown! on U! PN! UPN!

Time now for the Lugz Peace & Joy..."Mick Foley....[SCREW YOU] YOU'RE FIRED...."

Here's a graphic for Austin and Kane - RAW is WAR Christmas Night! All-New! 9/8c on TNN!

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' DOT COM (on his Beautiful Titan Bike and with a Limp Bizkit CD cover) and IF YA SMELLLLLLLLL DOT COM v. EDGE & CHRISTIAN - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KIM!!!!! Somehow, the STEEL steps have stood on end and levitated to the barricades - it's GOTTA be some kinda residual Power of the Dark Side that Undertaker still commands or something. The Taker wears the belt around his neck - well, WHY NOT. Champs enter first because tradition can SUCK IT. I think I just hit all my highspots, so you can skip to the end if you're so inclined. You know, these four had a nice long match on Monday...somehow I doubt they'd just replay it for our benefit...ah, well, that's the stuff. KING KURT ANGLE is out, wearing the stripes...and the WWF Championship. Edge and Christian FINALLY smile for the first time tonight...but Angle doesn't meet their gaze OR high fives as he heads down the aisle into the ring. Rock is rather adamant in his protest, but it's not a good idea to be turning your back to the Toronto Twosome - Rock punked out from behind by both men - Christian peels off to punch the Undertaker as Rock comes back, punching Edge outside. Christian right, right, right - is Angle telling him to watch the closed fist? - Undertaker turns it around - soupbone, left, soupbone, left, soupbone, left, soupbone Angle pulls HIM off. Undertaker makes the flinch, but Angle isn't scared - he displays his medal instead of pointing to the WWF patch on his shirt. 'Taker with an arm wringer, STOMPING IT IN (they've been watching their WOW!), Christian back to his feet...and reversing it! 'Taker throws a soupbone to break it. Head to the buckle. Into the opposite corner, clothesline. "Angle sux!" Christian sent back into the other corner - Edge comes in and eats a boot. Undertaker drops Christian and goes for the ... cross arm breaker? Yikes! Edge stomps on him to break it. Crowd chants "Rock E" - 'Taker with the arm wringer, tag, open shot by Rock, right, right, into the ropes, back elbow. Elbow to the back of the head. Into the ropes, blind tag, Christian ducks Rock's clothesline, Rock ducks *Edge's* clothesline, then Rock takes them BOTH down with a double clothesline. Samoan Drop for Edge gets....a pretty fair 2. Pounding on Edge - elbow to the back of the head - whip is reversed, Christian grabs the ankle...Rock turns around and pulls HIM up to the apron by his hair. Christian manages to drop Rock with a hot shot...and Edge lands with a heel kick. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, tag. Christian with the stomp, stomp, stomp. "Rock E!" Right, Rock right, right, right, right, right is blocked, gutshot by Christian, side Russian legsweep gets....a fair 2. Christian mounts him and throws four rights, then makes the tag. Doubleteam stomping...Angle forces Christian back to his corner...then forces Undertaker from entering the fray as well. Edge wants to know what's up - this conversation is getting heated...Rock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Rock ducks the clothesline, but they take each other out on a double clothesline. Angle up to 4...5...6...7...8...both men up...Edge grabs Rock, but he makes the tag! Soupbone! Soupbone! Into the ropes, big boot! Soupbone for Christian on the apron! Edge sneaks in a face rake, into the ropes, head down and Undertakeris ready to try the Last Ride - and hits it! 'Taker covers...but Angle is busying himself trying to get Christian back in his corner. Angle looks at the cover...then goes bakc to Christian, egging him on. Rock is in, spinning around Angle...Angle shoves him back and points to his medal! (I just noticed - he HAS no WWF patch to point to.) Angle with another shove for the Rock and another show of the stripes. Angle takes a swipe at him - Rock ducks it - ROCK BOTTOM! Stomp, stomp, stomp and Angle rolls out. But now *Undertaker* is taking offense, spinning Rock around and pointing to the cover that he had. Christian with a sneaky uppernut to the Taker - Rock with a right that takes him under the ropes and out of the ring. Rock follows - Christian's head into the guardrail, the commentary table, again, one more table shot for the man. Right. Back in the ring, Undertaker has Edge up - CHOKESLAM! Meanwhile, Christian's managed to turn it around on Rock - Block, right to the gut, head to the table. Here comes EARL HEBNER...1, 2....Christian breaks up the count! Christian on the Taker - punches and a blatant choke. Hebner gets in his face about being in the ring illegally...Undertaker presses him up...and lets him drop face-first. Rock's back in his corner in the mean time...where's Angle? Still out? Must be the ref shirt that makes 'em go comatose. Tag to Edge (I thought he was - oh well) - HOT TAG TO ROCK! Block, right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Right for Christian on the apron - ducks a clothesline from Edge - gutshot, DDT! Rock hooks a leg but *Hebner* is occupied with Christian. Taker comes in with a forearm to Christian, taking both of them outside. Rock is up...and readying himself - spinebuster! Cole just told me Rock called it the "piebuster" but I'll NEVER, EVER call it that. That's a promise from me to you. Hey, Angle's back in there! OLYMPIC SLAM ON THE ROCK! Edge placed on top! Angle with the fair count.....ONE! TWO! THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Ladies and gentlemen, we have NEW - FIVE-TIME - tag team champions. (Boeing 7:47) Cole: "Well Kurt Angle just completed the biggest screwjob in the history of SmackDown! Did Mr. McMahon know this was going to happen?"

HAVE A COULD BE WORSE CHANUKAH!