UPN Thursday!

LAST MONDAY: Is it just me, or is this thing with the clips happening before the opening becoming a pattern?

TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - See What I Mean?

We start with Austin WALKING! And now pacing...commentators offer that he's waiting for Stephanie to arrive...

Opening Credits

Set off the pyro and let's roll - coming to you from the Freeman Colesium in San Antonio, TX 4.1.1 (taped 30.12.2K) THIS is WWF SmackDown!

WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO v. CHRIS BENOIT - Tonight, Kurt Angle meets the Rock! Also that great big Triple Threat #1 Contender's match! Also, if they keep saying "Stephanie screwed Austin" I'm gonna get a VERY unpleasant mental picture in my head. "Tonight, in the very first match in the very first edition of SmackDown! in the year 2001, Y2J is going to win the intercontinental championship, and I'm gonna...and I'm gonna win it in front of all of these San Antonio Jerichoholics! And if it wasn't for Lieutenant Commissioner Debra giving me this title shot, I wouldn't be here tonight...and if it was for old lady Benoit forgetting to take her birth control pills, Chris Benoit wouldn't be here tonight either!" Somebody should remind Jericho that Y2K is over and he risks dating himself. Benoit's got a mic in hand as well: "What's the matter, Jericho - not used to being interrupted while you're talkin'? You know, for someone who's constantly tellin' people to shut the hell up, YOU oughta take your own advice! Your clever lines, your funny pictures, your little 'catch phrases' - well these puppets might eat it up, but it does absolutely nothing for me. You know the routine, Jericho - you come oot, you make your funny little insults...I come out...and beat the crap out of ya. You know the year may have changed, but the fact that you will never PROVE ME WRONG has not." They trade punches to start...Benoit briefly has the advantage with a kick, but Jericho catches the next one and hits a dragon screw leg whip. mounting and punching...back up. Benoit whips him into the ropes, but Jericho comes off with the flying jalapeno. Back to the punches...Benoit back up. Jericho with the chop, chop, into the opposite corner is reversed, but Jericho gets the elbow up. Benoit ducks a clothesline and hits a high death suplex. Lightning elbowdrop by Benoit. "Y2J" chant (sigh). Benoit with a chop. Tonight, Perry & Terri take on Matt Hardy & Lita! Into the ropes, Benoit knocks him down again. European forearm. into the corner, and taking him down with the crossface as he comes out, but Benoit is too close to the ropes. Jericho goes behind, Benoit reverses, going for the arm one more time, Jericho hooks the other arm in the backslide position, Benoit counters and spins around, Jericho with the double leg, but before he can go for the Walls, Benoit kicks him to the corner. Jericho pops out with a clothesline (Cole: "forearm") Both men slow to get up - Benoit first with the gutshot, into the ropes, reversal, gutshot by Benoit, off the ropes with a bulldog - 1, 2, Benoit up. Jericho with a chop, into the ropes, back elbow, Lionsault! But Benoit rolls out of the way and Jericho comes up empty. Benoit quickly to the attack - German suplex and holding on...Jericho breaks the waistlock to prevent the next one, so Benoit just forearms him in the back of the neck instead. Jericho counters the waistlock with a front roll, has a leg, turning around, has BOTH legs, trying for the Walls....ah hell, PERRY SATURN is out (DQ 2:43) and now DEAN MALENKO & NIPPLES look on as Saturn and Benoit doubleteam Jericho. The HARDY BOYZ & LITA are a heartbeat away, chasing off the Radicalz and standing over Jericho. Benoit proudly displays his belt. They sure put a lot in three minutes, but I'd still rather have eight. Especially considering...

Backstage, a limousine arrives...but it isn't Stephanie getting out, it's William Regal! He's on the phone. "Yes, hold on for a moment please. No, Stephanie, no - there's no sign of him - Stone Cold Steve Austin isn't anywhere to be found - he's not around - no, no sign of him. Anyway, thank you very much for the limo and I'll see you later, thank you." Of course, no sooner has he hung up than Austin FLIES into the picture, spearing him onto the hood of the limo and punching away. Now repeatedly ramming him into the hood of the car. Austin gets behind the wheel (I guess the driver ran away?) and backs it up...

Fortunately, we have another camera on the outside of the building. Still in reverse...why doesn't Regal just roll off the hood? A middle finger is video obscured...and now Austin puts it in drive - running into a big pile of mattresses and sending Regal flying off the hood and into the pile. Austin goes ahead and backs up, running into the foam two more times. Austin runs over to Regal and gives him seven or eight more right hands - then puts a metal pipe over his head. The refs and officials FINALLY show up to end the madness. We get a shot of Regal's bladejob - that's gonna RUIN his suit! Of course, the crowd chants "Austin!" But...but AUSTIN'S A DICK! I wonder if Austin learned attempted vehicular manslaughter from Triple H and Rikishi. I wonder if the police will get involved THIS time.

Gary & Mike robs us of half an hour of SmackDown! next week! HALLELUJAH - hey, wait, that's the Oakland show! SCREW YOU UPN

Stacker 2 - it's like so the world's strongest fat burner! Just ask Edge & Christian!

Moments Ago, Three Paragraphs Ago. "Remember, we need lots of metal poles to make klanging noises after Austin hits the pile..."

Coming back to real time, the ambulance arrives - amazingly, Austin isn't in it - two EMT's quickly attend to Regal

EDGE & CHRISTIAN hit the commentary table, joining our pair of kings (MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER) at ringside.

THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. WALL BUCHANAN & GOODFATHER (with Steven Richards) in a #1 Contenders' Match - Winners get a tag title shot at the Rumble Royale. Edge says they've already beaten the Deliverance Boyz 37,742 1/2 times. Standard WWF tag formula - all four men brawl until someone's thrown out (Buchanan) and the referee ("Blind" Jack Doan) can get the other guy (Buh Buh Ray) to the corner. Goodfather with a shoulderblock on D-Von. Up and over, dueling hiptosses, Goodfather with a clothesline. Tag to Buchanan - open shot, right, right, into the ropes, ducks a clothesline, crossbody by Dudley for 2. Free shot for Richards on the apron...but that allows Buchanan to put him out of the ring. Goodfather puts him in the STEEL steps and stomps away on the floor. Back in the ring for a Buchanan clothesline...for 2. Tag to Goodfather - into the ropes, gutshot by Buchanan, kick by Goodfather off the ropes. Scoop....and a slam. Legdrop off the ropes - 1, 2, Buh Buh Ray saves. Edge & Christian take turns making fun of Cole's hair - entirely deserved, too. Tag to Buchanan, open shot, scoop...running powerslam off the shoulder. Buchanan stands at the ready...running splash comes up empty and D-Von busts out the neckbreaker. Can he make the tag? Well, yeah. Clothesline, clothesline, shot for Goodfather, sidewalk slam for 2...Goodfather runs in...and elbowdrops his own partner. Right by Buh Buh Ray, right by D-Von, on Buh Buh Ray's shoulders for the Dudley Device. Double clothesline puts Buchanan outside. Signalling to the crowd for 3D, so cue the run-in. Sure enough, Edge & Christian pull Goodfather outside off the whip, saving him from the 3D - and Richards STILL finds a way to be upset. As he and Edge and Christian argue on the outside, the Dudleyz calmly hit 3D on Buchanan - D-Von covers - 1, 2, 3. (3:34) Ummm, I thought Buh Buh was legal. Edge hits the apron...and gets a right from Buh Buh Ray. Christian pulled in by the hair...scoop....and a slam....ah, but before they can hit "Wassup," Buchanan shoves D-Von off the top turnbuckle. Goodfather in with a right for Buh Buh Ray - and a back kick. Edge & Christian quikly pounce on the downed Dudleyz - Tomokaze for Buh Buh Ray, Edge-o-Matic for D-Von. Play their music!

Regal's gurney is pushed into the ambulance. Looks like Slaughter's going with him. What are Regal's chances to make the #1 Contender's match later tonight? I'm guessing..not too high

Royal Rumble promo - Roadkill and Tiger Jackson - Is it just me, or did they say "bastards" instead of "rascals" on the non-TV-PG show?

Jakks Pacific "Backstage Mayhem" ad

You're watching SmackDown! And just one week away from the Sneak Preview of Gary & Mike! After all, giving a half hour to successfully launch a UPN comedy worked so well for "Shasta McNasty"

When we come back, Austin paces and paces. Here comes Debra to talk some sense into him. He's way out of control! If he does the same thing to Stephanie that he did to Regal, he'll lose his job, his entire career, and probably go to jail! "So why don't you use your head for a change, okay?" Austin looks the other way. Hey man, that's your WIFE nagging you! Lawler: "Why is she trying to reason with him?! Why isn't he already in jail?! Why isn't he already fired and suspended?! This is ridiculous - the man has obviously lost his mind!"

Another look at our hosts. Tonight, the Rock meets Kurt Angle in a nontitle match! Let Us Take You Back to Monday where Angle cost the Rock a shot at the WWF title by helping Kane defeat him.

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands in the white-hot aura of the Rock. "Kurt Angle. Congratulations on costing the Rock what meant most to him, on costing the Rock something that he fights for, that he breahtes for, that he lives for each and every single day - on costing the Rock a shot at the WWF title. But you see, Kurt Angle, one thing you forgot is there's more than one way to get a shot at the WWF title, and if you're not hip to what's happening, there's something that's going down in just a coupla weeks and it's called the Royal Rumble. Royal Rumble 2001 - the biggest Royal Rumble in the history of the WWF - thirty men all vying for the richest prize in sports entertainment - the WWF title, and there's gonna be one man who's gonne be in the Royal Rumble, one man who can care less whether he's #30 or #1, one man who will do all he can to fight, kick, scratch and claw to win the Royal Rumble, go on to WrestleMinia and become WWF Champion and that one man...is the Rock. Congratulations, Kurt Angle, 'cause you see what you did to the Rock last Monday night, don't worry...'cause you're not gonna have to face the Rock next week for the WWF title, no no no, but you will have to face the Rock...tonight. But you see, at this point, Kurt Angle, the Rock is not concerned - one night only - not concerned with the WWF title - not concerned with winning or losing. The only thing that the Rock is concerned with is giving you the beating of a lifetime. You see, Kurt Angle, when you got involved in the Rock's match last Monday night, it was personal. When you took away what meant most to the Rock, it was personal. So now after all that, the Rock figured he'd personally whip your candy(beep) all over San Antonio!" "Rock E!" "If ya smell........what the Rock....is cookin'."

The WWF Fanatic Series presentataion for January is "WWF Divas: Postcard from the Caribbean!" Something actually gets airbrushed in this ad? Oh come on.

And now, a WWF Royal Rumble Replay - from 1997, Jerry Lawler sets a record for quickest exit, thanks to.....Bret "the Hitman" Hart. Huh

While Lawler fumes, Cole reminds us that the fastest sixty minutes in sports entertainment is only a few weeks away!

KING KURT ANGLE v. IF YA SMELLLLLLL DOT COM in a nontitle match - I forget, is "nontitle" another way of saying "champ gets pinned?" Let's listen to Angle. "Rock, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a crybaby. I didn't want to interfere in your match last Monday night. I was simply scouting my potential opponents when YOU decided to put YOUR hands on me, and when someone puts their hands on me, I retaliate! It's your own damn fault, Rock. Stop being such a whiner. You sound like everyone else in this state.....a big, loud, obnoxious YAHOO! That's right, it's true. So what's the deal here, San Antonio? Apparently, it's 'remember the Alamo.' Remember the Alamo...but forget some other things. Like showering...holding down a job....literacy, and obviously mastering the concept of using a toothbrush; regardless, Rock, your big talk doesn't impress me. If you have a problem with me, let me (the WWF Champion) tell you something. I want you to listen, Rock, and I want you to listen real good. Just bring it." And he even makes the JUST BRING IT hand motion! Angle takes it a step further, actually deciding to go meet the Rock up on the ramp - probably a bad idea, because there's only one man punching and it *ain't* Angle. Block, right, right, right, right, right, into the ring. Angle omes to and stomps as Rock comes in - stomp, right, right, right, right, a word for referee "Blind" Mike Chioda (apparently no fan of the closed fist), right, into the opposite corner is reversed, Rock with a clothesline. Stomp, stomp, stomp, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Angle with a back elbow. Angle stomps. Stomp. Right, Rock right, right, right, into the ropes, Samoan drop. Right, into the ropes, Angle holds on and pulls Rock into a belly-to-belly. Angle with a stomp. Stomp. Choke on the second rope. Vertical suplex....for 2. "Ang Gull Sux!" Right by Angle, right, Rock with a gutshot, right, right, Angle rakes the eyes. Right, right, into the ropes, Rock reverses, but Angle hits a kick...but the charge fails when Rock puts Angle over the top to the floor. Rock follows....head to the commentary table. Rikishi is in the Rumble! Angle's head bounces off a monitor a few times. Now he's lying on the table. Rock up on the table as well - going for Rock Bottom! but Angle elbows out of it. Right hand ...and the table collapses under their feet. Angle up first - OLYMPIC SLAM ON THE FLOOR! Angle crawls back into the ring. Why isn't Chioda counting? Well, FINALLY he starts a count - up to 3....4.... Lawler proclaims it "the world's slowest ten count..." Rock starting to stir at 8...so Angle GOES OUTSIDE (idiot) and decks him. Stomp, stomp, elbow to the back of the head, rolled back in. Angle to the top floor...missile dropkick!!! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, bah Rock gets a shoulder up. Angle and Chioda have a spirited discussion, allowing Rock to get back up - right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversal, duck, double clothesline puts BOTH men down. Chioda puts on another count...4....5....6....7.... Lawler: "C'mon, ref, it's only a two hour show!" Angle is up before 9, stopping the count. Rock up right after him - "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right, Angle with a right, right, right, off the ropes...but Rock tosses him with HIS belly-to-belly. Angle propped up in a corner - right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT - Chioda pulls him back...and Rock gives HIM a shove. THAT'S GOTTA BE A DQ - well, apparently not. Rock *further* tests fate by kicking Angle right in the nuts. Even *Cole* is calling for the disqualifiction. Spinebuster (I don't give a CRAP what the Rock calls it). Setting up for the People's Elbow....but no. Rock looks out at ringside...and leaves the ring to grab a chair. Chioda pulls it away from him before he can use it. While they have a few words, Angle tries to sneak up from behind - it doesn't work - Rock ducks the clothesline attempt and hits Rock Bottom! Again he looks at the chair...and again Chioda pulls it away from him. I think Rock's getting tired of that finger in his face...sure enough, Rock Bottom on Chioda. This brings out "Blind" Chad Patton....I think you know what comes next. Doan and Korderas don't even make it to the ring - one look from Rock and they both jump back to the floor. And there's the WHACK on Angle. Rock outside...and he's got the WWF title belt...and poses on a corner with the belt. Play his music? No closing bell. Hmmmm, how to rule it....I guess we'll call it (implied DQ 8:46?) After hitting all four corners, Rock drapes the title across Angle's chest - the three men in the ring haven't moved.

Backstage, Austin paces some more. Dick

"Save the Last Dance" ad - we will call her "Special K"

Edge & Christian Stacker 2 ad #2

And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, presented by 1-800-COL-LECT! From RAW, Stephanie displays her range by utilising both the slow...AND the fast count as special ref in the Regal/Austin match.

The limousine arrives! (Along with the TV-PG-DLV ratings box) Austin meets it...but the door's locked. "Get outta there, Steph, I know you're in there. Get outta there. Get outta there woman, I know you're in there! Comon!" Stephanie gets out of the door on the other side and attempts to give us a dramatic facial expression. "Your (beep) is mine now. Your (beep) belongs to Stone Cold Steve Austin." Stephanie runs off and Austin follow. WE follow, too. Stephanie trips over a chair (oh, PLEASE). "You're pathetic." I think he meant THIS is pathetic. Stephanie runs by the Magic Window set, where Kevin Kelly...hides. FINALLY we see a security guy...so Austin can punch him and ram him into a garage door. "Stephanie!"

And now STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT emerges in the Time Tunnel...then stops and looks back. She goes out to the bottom of the aisle and keeps looking around. Apparently, Austin stopped by the table and told them to cue his music because it starts up - and STEP OFF is out....approaching Stephanie - removes his hat - grabs the back of her head and rolls her into the ring. God, Stephanie is PAINFUL to watch. "I warned your stupid (beep) last Monday night...I told ya straight to your face that I was not gonna play your stupid little games. Tonight, you will learn to listen to Stone Cold Steve Aust---" But "No Chance in Hell" interrupts him...and BILLIONAIRE VINCE makes his way out. He ain't smilin'. This'll either get much, MUCH better...or TEN TIMES WORSE. Vince and Austin have a staredown...Vince makes his way over to his daughter...and shields her from Austin. "Who the hell do you think you are? I'll tell you who you are. I'll tell you who you've become. You've become a certifiable, rant-raving LUNATIC - lookit yourself! And why? Why, because of your unadulterated OBSESSION of becoming the WWF Champion! And lemme get this straight - just because my daughter Stephanie got a little carried away Monday night - just because she thwarted your effort in once again becoming WWF Champion - just because of THAT, you want to do bodily harm to my daughter?" Austin nods. "Because of THAT, you want to do bodily harm to Daddy's Little Girl? Like hell you will, Austin. You won't touch her, you won't - you won't harm a hair on her head. And I'll tell ya why. Because I can give you what you want. I can give you what you want, Austin, right here...tonight. I can erase the record book, Austin - that loss to Regal Monday night *never happened.* See, Regal was disqualified, okay? Which means Stone Cold advanced. Which means that, if we come to terms, Austin, right here In This Very Ring tonight...then there will be a Triple Threat match in which you, Kane and Undertaker will in fact compete. You'll take poor William Regal's place, Austin. Now let me remind you: if you're victorious tonight in the triple threat, that means on Monday night, live on RAW, it's Austin for the WWF Championship in the match you want. That's what I can do for you, Stone Cold. Now then, this is what you can do for me. You see, all I'm asking is, if you accept this proposal, that...you don't touch my daughter. You don't harm my daughter in any capacity whatsoever. Now as you're pondering this, Austin, let me just say this: you're back in the race for the WWF title if you accept. If you don't accept, Austin, I swear to you...the hell I put you through before will seem like kindergarten compared to the hell I'll put you through now. You better damn well remember who I am, Austin." "I know exactly who you are - you are a 100% pure jackass! You're forcin' Stone Cold Steve Austin to make one hell of a decision right here tonight - a shot at the WWF title...or revenge with the witch. Well then I made up my mind...I will............I will compete here tonight. And I won't harm Daddy's Little Girl...but you know what, Vince? You didn't say a damn thing about Daddy..." KICK WHAM STUNNER #50

Edge & Christian Stacker 2 ad #3

Moments Ago....oops, forgot to bleep out "ass" this time

Coming back, Stephanie checks on her father. He's okay...but he'll be even better by the end of the night. He's decided that tonight's triple threat match needs a very special troubleshooting referee on the outside - a referee whose last name is McMahon. Stephanie actually thinks he's talking about her. "No, no - not you, Stephanie....GRRRRRMERRRRRRR." "You really are a genius." YOU REALLY CAN'T ACT

MATT HARDY & LITA (with Jeff Hardy and SmackDown! is brought to you by Stacker 2, Crunch 'n Munch, and Subway) v. PERRY & TERRI (with Smilin' Dean Malenko) in hot, hot intergender action - Hardy clothesline Saturn in Terri's mid-pose - Lita grabs Terri's hair but Saturn saves her - Hardy over to Saturn and here we go. Knee, three headbutts, side headlock, Hardy punches out, into the ropes, shoulderblock by Saturn - up and over - hiptoss by Hardy blocked, Saturn's punch is ducked, right by Hardy, right, right, into the corner sternum first, head to the buckle...five times. Hardy on the second rope...but Malenko hods onto the ankle. Saturn has enough time to be ready to catch him - and ram him into the corner. Head to the gut, and again. Elbow to the head. Straight hand. Hardy blocks, right, right, right, whip is reversed, Hardy on Saturn's shoulders...Spicolli Driver! (Cole: "What a slam!") Saturn tags out...then holds Hardy up for a big slap. Holding him again...Terri blows a kiss and rares back, but Hardy manages to slip out and Terri ends up kicking HER man in the nuts! Hardy tags Lita - on the top rope - scary pendulum rana! Matt clotheslines Saturn over the top, taking both of them to the floor. Left alone in the ring, Terri tries to get out, but Lita pulls her back in by the hair. Scoop...and a slam. Spear-alike. Right, right, right, right, right, right, going for the Twist of Fate...and hitting it! 1, 2, Malenko pulls her out...and applies a Greco-Roman liplock! Lita with a slap - Jeff over with a clothesline - Saturn with a forearm for Jeff - well it's ALL breaking down now - Matt up top - to the floor onto Saturn AND his brother! Lita back in the ring - positioning Terri...up for the moonsault...well, it misses about as bad as Terri Gold's did but everybody pretends it DID hit..anyway, Malenko is in, pulls Lita off, and DDT's her. Terri drapes an arm on Lita - referee "Blind" Tim White snaps to and counts the fall - 1, 2, 3. (3:22) This got more time than Benoit/Jericho? ("Yeah, but the Chrisses got MIC TIME.") Quiet, you.

LILIAN GARCIA finds the most ominous part of the building to talk to Kane. Tonight, he faces the Undertaker and Austin for a chance at fighting for the WWF title. "A chance. There is nothing that I won't sacrifice - nothing that I won't do, and no man who I will let come between me and what I've waited for my entire life - a chance. For all the people who stared and pointed at me, a chance - for all the people who laughed at me, a chance - for all the people who called me a FREAK, a chance. Tonight, I will punish my brother the Undertaker and Stone Cold Steve Austin for a chance to say *I* am YOUR WWF Champion."

WWF New York ad

Stacker 2 ad #4 - okay, I'm tired of it now. Thanks

You're watching SmackDown! - and just one week away from the sneak preview of "Gary & Mike" on U! P! N!

Jesse Ventura hypes the XFL....while wearing a WWF sweatshirt - you know, *Lawler* had no problems wearing an XFL shirt

Another look at our commentators - Saturday, single game tix go on sale - check out XFL.com if you're a sucka

TONIGHT: Triple Threat #1 Contender Match - Undertaker vs. Austin vs. Kane!

BALD VENIS (with Steven Richards & Ivory & Heat hype) v. THA 1 BILLY GUNN - Steven Richards & Ivory will co-host Heat this Sunday - be sure to show up to WWF New York so you can tell them what you think of them! Boy, you have to admit that THIS feud has been as well-received as this blowoff match is highly-anticipated. (Huh?) Venis goes out as Gunn slides in - the chase is on - Venis in, stomping Gunn as he comes in - right, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, standing on the neck for 4 from referee "Blind" Jim Korderas. Why does Richards want him to look in his eyes? Gunn pops up with a clothesline, another clothesline, into the ropes, back elbow, off the ropes, with the Fame'Asser - 1, 2, Venis kicks out! Man, I remember when that was a *finisher.* Gunn with a right. Into the ropes, Venis ducks the clothesline, Gunn shoves him over the top rope to the floor...and follows. Head to the barricade. Big press....and drop on the barricade. The Acolytes are in the Rumble. Venis reverses a whip into the STEEL steps and Gunn flies over the top to the floor. Venis follows up with a right and a kick. Rolled back in. Ducks a clothesline, DDT - and only Venis can sell a DDT with a headstand. Both men slow to get up - Gunn with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, into the ropes, powerslam, into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl slam - 1, 2, Venis kicks out. Whipped into the corner...but Gunn walks right into a big boot. Feet on the top rope - 1, 2, Korderas spies it and halts his count. I'm as shocked as you are. Ivory on the apron, no doubt to congratulate the official on his excellent vision - behind his back, Gunn hits the cobra clutch slam - of course, nobody's there to count the pinfall - and here comes Richards - STEVENKICK! Venis with an arm on Gunn - 1, 2, 3! (3:21) The RtC *always* win! Gunn manages to grab Ivory and bring her in the hard way...but before he can piledriver her, Richards is in to break it up...Gunn turns around to Richards. Right, right, and a clothesline out of the ring. Cue the music!

"Are you sure you're okay?" Vince asks Stephanie to get him some painkillers...and also to cut the sleeves out of this ref shirt. "I don't know why, I just can't referee with sleeves." Umm, it must be YOUR MASSIVE BICEPS, VINCE. Bleeeeeeeeah

WWF Shop Zone Dot Com ad

"Backstage Mayhem" ad #2

Earlier Tonight, Austin committed a heinous act - only, nobody calls it "heinous" but me. Hell, if Jim Ross were here, he'd probably be having orgasms all over my screen

Earlier Tonight, Rock beat up some referees - with no repercussions

Earlier Tonight, Vince gave Austin what he wanted, proving that you can do whatever the hell you want with no repercussions

Earlier Tonight, Austin gave Vince the Stunner - we'll have to see if there'll be any repercussions during the main event

Earlier Tonight, CRZ took a nap instead of recapping SmackDown! It was the right choice.

Coming back, Trish Stratus gives McMahon a baby oil massage - that's it, I'm outta here

JONATHAN COACHMAN has a chat with Undertaker - tonight, he has Kane and Austin...and maybe McMahon? "No. You see, that's where you're wrong, Coach. The only thing standing in my way is space and opportunity. Now I'm not sellin' Austin and Kane short - either one of those guys can win the title on any given night. And then you throw Vince McMahon in the mix as the special referee...who the hell knows what's gonna happen? But I'll tell you what. I'm gonna do what I have to do to get my shot at the WWF title. And if that means messin' them boys up...hey, so be it. You know, I've been here for a long time - ten years - a full decade of destruction. I've seen 'em come, I've seen 'em go. But anybody who's ever decided to jump in my yard - they've regretted it. So what's that mean? Well, let me break it down to you - let me break it down to Kane, Austin and even McMahon. If you feel froggy, then jump. But if they try me...I will make 'em famous. And that's the facts....Jack."

Meanwhile, Austin laces up!

And now, the WWF Rewind, presented by THQ's "WWF No Mercy" for the N64! From Monday, Albert and Test have a moment...and then Trish gets involved.

Vince asks Stephanie to please calm down. "What the hell are you doing with her, Dad?" "Her who?" "TRISH." Vince says they need to concentrate on one thing tonight - Vince, the troubleshooting ref. He asks her to sit down and cool her jets. Hey Vince, rub some MORE baby oil on yourself while you're at it. It's like a metaphor!

TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with old music, in case you didn't get it) v. YAAAAAAAAALBERT (with Trish Stratus - the Fitness Model) - This match is the result of a "special favour" from Vince alluded to in a segment I didn't bother to recap, but since Trish carries THE STICK I have a feeling we'll all be caught up together. "Hey Test, no hard feelings. You know, I was just kinda gettin' sick of carrying your dead weight around. Ya know, Test, I know you'd love to get your hands on Albert, but Mr. McMahon has granted me a favour, and tonight, well - me 'n' Albert, we got the night off. And Test, you'll now be facing....RIKISHI." T&A now stands for Trish & Albert? Cole: "I don't think Trish has had many nights off recently, if you know what I mean." Albert and Test have enough words to keep Test's back to Rikishi...but he must have eyes in the back of his head as he avoids the Fat Ass Splash. Right, right, right, clothesline off the ropes. "You're Next!" In the corner, kick, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, words for Albert, KO right for Rikishi, lunge (and miss) for Albert. Right, right, right, right, off the ropes but caught in a BELLY-to-belly suplex by Rikishi to turn it around. Big Drumstick Drop. Steve Blackman's in the Rumble! Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Into the ropes, head down, sunset flip attempt...no....buttdrop MISSES as well. Right by Test, right, right, off the ropes, ducking the clothesline, big boot to Rikishi, and now going out for Trish...letting go as Albert comes over - block, right, Albert with a right, right, but the ringpost charge misses - Test with a clothesline. Test back up the steps...on the top...flying elbow catches Rikishi...but only gets 2. Off the ropes - Trish grabs the ankle, Test grabs the hair. Albert pulls Trish away from Test - right to Rikishi, right, right, into the ropes, but Rikishi hits a Samoan Drop. SQUAAAAASH. 1, 2, 3 - Rikishi takes it. (2:43) Hmm, EXACTLY the same amount of time as Benoit/Jericho. Albert and Trish hit the ring - Albert lays on the badmouth...and gives him an Albertbomb (did Cole say "bongobomb?") Riksihi goes to leave...but Albert has a pair of glasses! Oh, no, wait, he doesn't. He just wants Rikshi to Banzai Drop him...and Rikishi complies. The T&A music plays one more time...

Kane is WALKING!

Meanwhile, Undertaker is WALKING!

If you can tell me what happens next, YOU TOO can recap SMACKDOWN!

RAW is WAR airs on TNN - if you don't get it, you won't get it, so you better start making some calls

Edge & Christian Stacker 2 ad #5 (#5, right? Sheesh)

I don't know - when *I* go to Subway, I don't see lots of fat people lining up for subs without cheese and mayo

In case you missed it, the upn44.tv Monster Jam clue is "Grave Digger"

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BILLIONAIRE VINCE, still holding his neck, comes to the ring to serve as troubleshooting (Cole: "troublemaking") referee, joining Earl Hebner as the men in stripes

WELL IT'S KANE (with 1-800-COL-LECT presents the Royal Rumble! Good seats still available) v. ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' DOT COM v. STEP OFF DOT COM in a Triple Threat #1 Contender's Match - strangely enough, the Dead Man Walking is actually walking - I guess he left his bike in Austin or something. Austin's introduction is cut off as Kane and Undertaker start going at it in the middle of Austin's entrance. Austin removes his vest and hits the ring - right for Undertaker, right for Kane, right for Undertaker, right for Kane, right for Undertaker, right for Kane, Undertaker pops him, Kane forearms him in the back. Right by Undertaker, uppercut by Kane. Into the ropes, double back elbow - Kane switches to Undertaker - back and forth with the punches and soupbones. Undertaker into the ropes, Kane with the big boot. Running clothesline puts Undertaker out - Austin on him, right, right, right, Kane fires back, right, right. Into the ropes is reversed, Thesz press, eight rights. Off the ropes but before he can drop the elbow, Undertaker grabs his ankle and pulls him outside. Uppercut. Head to the STEEL steps - what? They've somehow floated up against the barricade ANYWAY, even though there's no motorcycle in sight! WEIRD. Kane joins the fray, hitting Taker from behind. Right hand. Scoop...but Taker wriggles free and shoves Kane into the ringpost. Austin over with a clothesline for the Taker. Right hand. Right. Right. Rolled back into the ring...Austin puts Taker into the ropes - HE gets a Thesz press and seven rights - THIS time the elbow finds the heart - 1, 2, Taker gets the shoulder up. Into the ropes is reversed, Taker with the big boot - Kane with the top rope clothesline to Undertaker. Kane tosses Austin - back to Taker with a right, right, into the ropes, head down, DDT from the Reaper. Signalling for the powerbomb...which'll bring in Austin. Taker ducks the clothesline, but Hebner doesn't...oh oh. Hebner falls out of the ring to the floor. All eyes turn to Vince. Kane puts Taker outside - to Austin, no...KICK WHAM STUNNER, leg is hooked, but there's no ref. Vince is the troubleshooting ref, and apparently can't count to three tonight. Tim White runs out, but Vince pulls HIM out of the ring, directing him to go check on Hebner. Vince NOW comes into the ring - Austin covers again - 1, 2, Kane gets a shoulder up. Austin takes umbrage - "where the hell WERE ya?" - but only serves to keep himself distracted long enough for Taker to come back in with a forearm to the back. Soupbone! Back elbow! Soupbone! Vince stays in the ring. Austin into the opposite corner. Taker points to McMahon. Austin with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, right, right, into the ropes, Taker ducks the clothesline, got him in the choke....CHOKESLAM! (Or "chokegentlydrop") - Kane over - CHOKESLAM for him as well! Taker returns to Austin...ah hell, RIKASHMONEY is back out - WHY. Well, we find out soon enough - RIKISHIKICK to Undertaker! Cole: "Well there's no disqualification in this matchup..." WHAT THE HELL? First time I'VE heard that. Soupbone, soupbone, CHOKESLAM for Rikishi! Austin over - KICK WHAT STUNNER to the Taker - Vince over to count - 1, 2, 3!!!! FAIR COUNT! I DON'T BELIEVE IT BILL! (5:33) McMahon shows three fingers to Austin and backs up the ramp. Austin expresses...confusion. Well, that makes two of us.