This letter was from a guy who's staying away from my reports and obviously doesn't need his name at the top of the column, so instead I'll thank Jobbrkilr for saying the same thing above, only a hell of a lot nicer and without robbing me of my "credibility."

You know what - I think I'm swearing off APW *forever*. Yup, I think I'll NEVER go to an APW show. Their fans make *ECW* fans look balanced and mentally stable. No sir, no thanks. Tell you what - if these "best indy wrestlers in the nation" are REALLY talented, then they'll make it to a REAL promotion and a REAL television show and I'll see them THERE. FINE? FINE. Credibility THIS, bozo. APW fans can SUCK IT. (Except Jobbrkilr. Oh, and BostonIdol.)

KINGS UPDATE: 23-9, three points behind Portland. No sooner did I predict a 3-0 week than the Kings dropped ANOTHER home game, this time to the Pacers. I didn't see it, so I can't be blamed. Interestingly, all three home losses have needed overtime - which just goes to show that this team just doesn't have the clutch, and they NEED to find it. ("Geez, can't you just be happy that them and the Sixers are the only teams in the league with single digits in the loss column?") Well....I guess I'm just a basketball smark. ("Never mind.")

I GET LETTERS: A couple dozen UK readers wrote it to let me know that, indeed, Coachman & Hayes tackle the hosting duties for Heat across the pond, so that's that mystery. SO, I'll revise my speculation back to ONE week of Heat taped, with a few extras to make up for the missing half hour of *tonight's* show. The Heat report (do we still have a Heat report?) will fill in the final gaps, and we'll know for sure.

Hey, perhaps *you're* one of those people who like to see how the finished product holds up against the way it was originally taped, and if you are, I encourage you to step back to the live report when you're done here and see if you can catch some >glimpses into how the WWF works - or, if not that, how well I can (or >can't) take notes.

"Tonight on UPN: WWF SmackDown!, followed by a sneak preview of Gary & Mike, beginning RIGHT NOW!"

TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

LAST MONDAY: Quite a few of you wrote to tell me that that was the best RAW report I'd done in a long while. Was it attending the show live that rekindled the fire inside? Was it the fact that I was working with good material? Was it simply that YOU too enjoyed the show? These questions and many more....will not be answered anytime soon. At least, by me. In the meantime, let's watch these clips.

Opening Credits

Cover your ears 'cause PYRO IS LOUD - coming to you from the Oakland Arena, in the shadow of the Network Associates Colesium in Oakland, CA 11.1.1 (taped 9.1) and transmitido en espanol SAP on the United Paramount Network...THIS is WWF SMACKDOWN!

BILLIONAIRE VINCE wastes no time coming out to make some noise...hopefully in only 3/4 the time. Whoa, was that a BARRY HOROWITZ sign in the crowd? "Just for the record, I had absolutely nothing to do with Stone Cold being screwed out of the WWF title by Triple H last Monday on RAW - I had nothing to do with it. To be honest with you, I was just as shocked as *you* were at Triple H's intervention...and quite frankly, Triple H was verbally reprimanded by me as last as...just...well, just this morning. You know, you have to think: where is this acrimony between Triple H and Austin going to end?" "Ass hole!" "Where does this acrimony between Austin and Triple H end? Consider what's happened in the past. Consider the fact that Triple H hired Rikishi to run over Austin in an automobile a little more than a year ago. Consider the fact that Austin, using a crane, hoisted Triple H up in his car some forty feet, and allowed him to drop down to the concrete...*miraculously*, Triple H sustained a minor injury. And then, last Monday night on RAW, Triple H battered Stone Cold in the head with a lead pipe - Austin sustained a concussion. Where's all this gonna end? I'll tell you...it's gonna end right here, right now - tonight. Because I have ordered a special 24 hour cooling off period between these two. And I have STRONGLY suggested that neither one of the two individuals - in the interest of safety - appear here tonight. I know...I know Austin's bubble was burst, so to speak, when he didn't win the title Monday night, because let's face it - Stone Cold is absolutely possessed with being World Wrestling Federation champion. So as a result of that, and in the interests of fairness, I will consider - again, I will consider allowing Austin to be placed in the thirty-man Royal Rumble matchup. Now (in the interest of fairness), Kurt Angle, the WWF Champion. In the interest of fairness, Mr. Angle must defend his WWF Championship at the Royal Rumble event against the #1 Contender. And that #1 Contender is now......is now................Triple H. Now my new year's resolution was to be tough but fair; I know that's tough news but it's fair. Because I selected Triple H to be the #1 Contender not because he's my son-in-law, but simply I know and you know, he's the #1 Contender because He's Just That Damn Good. And as far as this - this vein of fairness is concerned, since neither Austin nor Triple H will be here tonight, then...odda no, I've gone to great expense for you, and I've allowed both individuals to join us here tonight via special electronic, via special satellite television hookup, they can actually speak to us. However, I'm disappointed because I've been told only one of the two individuals took me up on my offer. Joining us now...good evening, TRIPLE H & STEPHANIE." "Good evening, Vince." "Hi Daddy!" "Triple H, before you begin, and - in front of all these witnesses again, I want you to know I did not in any way condone your activity of last Monday night." "You know Vince, I know you didn't. I mean, and how could ya? You know, what I did was wrong, Vince, it was a bad thing....I....I ruined a match, a great match, with two great athletes - I ruined that match for all the fans of the World Wrestling Federation, and at the same time I cost Stone Cold Steve Austin the one thing he holds dearest in his heart, the World Wrestling Federation championship. And you know...I wish I could, I wish I could change it, I, I wish I could go back - naw, you know what? Truth be told, I wouldn't change a damn thing. Austin...just when you thought I was gone...just when you thought your problems have disappeared...I'M BACK. And I'm back, and I'm badder than ever. Austin, just when you thought all that hard work...that one year you spent rehabbing, training - all that blood, sweat and tears - all that emotion - all that pain - just when you thought it was all gonna come together - just when you thought it was all gonna pay off, and you were gonna once again become the World Wrestling Federation champion...quicker than a referee's hand can slap that mat, Austin, I took it all away....I took it all away. Now Vince, you wanna know when this is gonna end? This will end when *I* say it will end. This will be over when *I* say it's over. This will be finished when *I* am happy. You see, and I will be happy when Stone Cold Steve Austin is sitting on his bed in San Antonio, Texas - and no, he won't be drinking a beer. No, because the halo he's got holding his neck in place won't allow his head to bend to take a sip! Stone Cold Steve Austin will be sitting on his bed and he will be watching - he will be watching the World Wrestling Federation champion. He will be watching.....ME. This will be FINISHED when Stone Cold Steve Austin is *finished*." "Dad...Triple H was completely justified in his actions against Austin. I mean, did you see what Austin did to me? Austin dumped beer all over me! And then...Austin ripped my shirt off! In front of millions of people...Dad, Austin, as far as I'm concerned, got EXACTLY what he deserved. And Daddy, I know that you're only acting out of the interests of fairness, but I wanna thank you for giving my husband the title shot he so richly deserves." "You're right about that, Steph, I - I certainly am not acting on behalf of my family - it is, it's simply that this is the fair thing to do." "You're right, Vince....it IS the fair thing to do. You know, Kurt Angle talks about how he's been the World Wrestling Federation champion since October. Well, Kurt, let me set one thing straight for you. You have been, and you still are the World Wrestling Federation champion because *I* have allowed it. Kurt Angle, you are still the champion...because, up until now, my attention has been diverted elsewhere. But Kurt Angle, at the Royal Rumble, you will receive my un...divided attention, and I will receive the World Wrestling Federation championship. ANd you know, Vince, I have to hand it to ya - I've said it before, and I'm gonna say it again...you truly are...a genius. And I don't say that just because you're my father-in-law - I don't say that because you're the father of the most beautiful woman on this planet...I say that, Vince, because of what you did tonight, and that is not allow myself and Stone Cold to be in that building, because if we were - if Austin were there and I were there, then I would have finished him...once and for all."

The Rock is WALKING! *He* knows he doesn't have to arrive until after seventeen minutes of talking by other folks!

TONIGHT: The #30 position in the Royal Rumble is on the line in a Fatal 4-Way! The Rock, Undertaker, Rikishi and Kane! WHO WILL SURVIVE?

"Save the Last Dance" - UHHHHH make that sound with me UHHHHH - thank GOD this movie opens tomorrow and we're DONE with these ADS for it

What's this? The Hardy Boyz eat Chef Boyardee overstuffed ravioli? Wait - the Hardy Boyz SPEAK?!? So who are the jabrones? Slash and Seven maybe?

When we come back, Edge & Christian are WALKING! "Dude, I can't believe Vince is gonna make Kurt defend his title against Triple H at the Royal Rumble!" "Yeah, why does Sir Nose-a-lot get a title shot?" "Search me, I dunno." "You know what, though? Let's go in and cheer the Kurtmeister up. Whaddaya say?" "I think he needs it." "Yeah - Kurtski!" "Kurt!" "Kurt - wooo-oo!" "Porkchop!" Well, there are two American flags in the dressing room....but Angle is noticably absent.

HARDY BOYZ (with Lita & Let Us Take You Back to RAW) and THA 1 BILLY GUNN (with Tough Enough hype) v. BALD VENIS & WALL BUCHANAN & GOODFATHER (with Steven Richards & Ivory) - Trish Stratus hosts Heat on Sunday! Jeff starts with Buchanan - Buchanan gets to pounding, into the ropes but Hardy slides out - Buchanan out, Hardy in - dropkick between the ropes, and hits a pescado! Buchanan rolled in, Jeff tags Matt, forearm, into the ropes, double back elbow, senton/fistdrop combo gets 2 for Matt. Right, right, 1-800-COL-LECT Double Feature of the pescado (slingshot crossbody) as Buchanan turns it around with a short clothesline of the whip reversal - tag to Goodfather, into the ropes, double head to the mat, off the rope with the elbowdrop for 2. Shoved into the corner, whipped to the opposite corner, elbow up by Matt, second rope clothesline gets 2 for Hardy. Tag to Jeff - into the opposite corner - Poetry in Motion! Matt with a clothesline as Gunn heads off Venis with kicks to the gut...unfortunately ALSO distracting referee "Blind" Tim White enough to completely miss Buchanan shoving Jeff off the top to the floor! Venis rolls Jeff back in and Goodfather covers - White out of position....2 count. Tag to Venis, open kick to the midsection, into the ropes, back elbow, elbowdrop, off the ropes with the kneedrop. Fluid combo by Venis but only gets 2. Tag to Buchanan - open kick, right, left, scoop....BIG running powerslam. Poised and ready for him to get up...but Hardy drops down, avoiding the splash, and Buchanan only hits turnbuckle! Hardy with a jawbreaker - can he make the tag? Buchanan tags Venis - HOT TAG to Billy Gunn! Ducks a clothesline, right for Venis, right, into the ropes, cobra clutch slam! Oh, they're calling that "the One and Only" now - how like Billy Gunn that name is, if you catch my drift. Tag to Matt - top rope legdrop (didn't THAT used to have a Gunn-like name?) finds the mark...but Ivory is on the apron and White is talking blimp accidents with her. Matt waiting for Venis to get up so he can hit the Twist of Fate neckbreaker...but Richards is in - STEVENKICK! Lita has pulled Ivory off the apron by the ankles, but it's a different picture when White turns around as Venis is covering Matt - 1, 2, 3! (3:38) RIGHT TO CENSOR (USUALLY) ALWAYS WIN! They drag Venis out as we check the replay - yep, Hardy with the legdrop, gutshot, turning for the Twist of Fate but taking the Stevenkick right in the mush.

LILIAN GARCIA stands with Undertaker. "Undertaker, if you win this Fatal 4-Way tonight, you will be #30 in the Rumble, which obviously increases your chances of winning it!" "(ptui) You come up with that all by yourself? By winning the Fatal 4-Way tonight, you're right - that makes me #30 in the Royal. Hey, that greatly increases my chances, because I can see what everybody else is doin', I can see who's week and I can see who's strong. Are you a gambler?" "Yeah." "I tell you what - that's my yard out there, and I'm the big dog that runs that yard. So whether I'm first or whether I'm thirtieth, I'm gonna run the yard. And at six-foot-ten and 320 pounds, I'd say at the Royal Rumble the safe bet...is on the Deadman." Lilian makes a face as he takes off.

Gary & Mike is NEXT!

Edge & Christian are totally down with Stacker 2! DUDE!

WHOA - I MUST have the "Malcolm in the Middle" soundtrack! It has Baha Men! On second thought.....N'WAY

WHOA - I MUST go to Subway, eat a sandwich and instantly drop fifteen pounds! Wait a minute...

WHOA - I MUST go Greyhound because the creepy dog is IN MY HEAD - on second thought, perhaps I should stop being so susceptible to these advertisements

Come to think of it, this Arrid ad isn't doing much for me

Neither this Pep Boys ad - hey, I'm cured!

WHOA but this Sportsmart Raiders ad is pretty cool

Maybe I should comment on ALL these ads - hmm, Star Trek airs twice a night on UPN 44 - I got no beef with that

Central Chevrolet - local car dealership ads suck

Exterior of the Oakland Arena marquee - too bad the Golden State Warriors' slogan is "THUNDER by the bay" since this isn't Thunder - hey, wait! The ADS are over! Whew!

Hey guess what! There's some NON-XFL FOOTBALL PLAYERS in the front row! Lawler says them Raiders made bail....somehow

Kane is pacing back and forth - he's in the main event!

TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with Heat Hype) v. K-KWIK - Tazz appears on "The Late, Late Show" TONIGHT! That means we've all missed it already. Oh well. Doesn't explain why we didn't see him on either show this week...or does it? By the way, that's a *CBS* show - hmmm. During Kwik's rap, I could have SWORN I saw the guys in the truck devolve to the old MOM camera-and-video-switchwork...but they quickly snapped out of it. Kwik gets (1:03) to rap, and the close captioning guys give up pretty soon after he starts. "Mr. K-Kwik and I'm about to get rowdy! Let me hear you say who's the man! Get rowdy! It's the K-Kwik and I'm about to get rowdy. [ROP -- RAPAPING] K-Kwik top dog Getting Rowdy About to move the thing Check yourself and realise we all that No doubt about it One of the best Putting all the knuckle heads to the rest Getting Rowdy!" Ummm....well, they got maybe a third of it. Also, *I* thought he wanted us to say "move some things," but that's why I type here and not there. WHO'S THE MAN? VADER'S THE MAN! Lockup, Test shoves him in the corner, right, right, into the ropes, clothesline. It's all Test - guess he hates rap. Right hand. Into the ropes, Kwik flies off with the flying jalapeno. Second rope, almost trips up trying to do a 180, Gary & Mike is next, dropkick! 1, 2, Test kicks out with authority. Right, right, signalling to the crowd...but Test counters the rana attempt with a powerbomb. Head to the buckle. Whip into the opposite corner, but Kwik gets the elbow up - right, right, jiggy jiggy, Test ducks the right, hooks the arm and moves to a full nelson slam - cover...2. Pumphandle...Meltdown doesn't happen as Kwik backs off the shoulder and shoves him into the corner- spinning heel kick as he comes out. BOTH men are down. Kwik ducks a clothesline, right, right, right, snaps off a flying headscissors...for 2. Test reverses a whip into the corner, Kwik up and over as Test comes in, Kwik backflips but fails to land on his feet...and ends up running into a big boot. 1, 2, 3. (2:24) Cole proclaims it "a rookie mistake, a little too much dancing." Kwik back to his feet...and offering the Hand of Friendship. No, Test wants a high five. He IS Diesel! Kwik plays Shawn Michaels and slaps the hand. Replay of the end. Test poses at the top of the ramp....only to fall to WILLIAM REGAL's run out with a European title WHACK. Regal smiles and waves to our great amusement after standing over Test's fallen form.

Rock is doing a little pacing of his own - HE'S in the Fatal Four-Way!

"WWF Divas: Postcard from the Caribbean" is the WWF Fanatic Series presentation for January!

"MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch" debuts on UPN tomorrow! Stone Cold Clay Steve Austin will be there!

Triple H shills Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder

That's it - I mention NO more ads this break - not even this "Antitrust" ad

Nor this Samsung Uproar MP3 Player/Cellular Phone ad

And DEFINITELY not this 989 Sports NCAA Final Four 2001 for the PlayStation ad!

And I can't think of a way to continue to beat this dead horse for Pep Boys and Arrid, but it's okay, 'cause I covered them in the LAST ad break

By the way, "Gary & Mike" is NEXT!

In case you've forgotten in the last five seconds, here's ANOTHER "Gary & Mike" ad

And local spots for Ebay & DeVry, and Red Bull - please, let's ALL try to get over it already

"Courtesy: NBC" HEY! They *did* show footage of the XFL blimp crashing into that Oakland restaurant! "In the XFL there are no fair catches!"

Speaking of the XFL, six of the SAN FRANCISCO DEMONS CHEERLEADERS are practicing a routine (because they had nothing better to do at a WWF TV taping?) - we hear a voice off-camera: "We must be in wrong locker room - but this is not a bad thing!" Pan left to KAI EN TAI. "Lucky for us, American women LOVE Japanese men! We are incredibly sexy and smart!" "InDEED." "They're cute!" "How the heck do they do that?" "Ancient Chinese secret...although we are not Chinese!" "InDEED." They start fondling. "Beautiful XFL cheerleaders! Where are your pom poms? You must show us your pom poms! Show us now! Now!" "Indeed!"

Meanwhile, Rikishi is doing squats - WHY? He's in the huge Fatal 4-Way match!

Meanwhile, JONATHAN COACHMAN stands with KING KURT ANGLE. At the Royal Rumble, he must face the man that some say *saved* his title...Triple H. "Who might say that, Coach - you? You know, I resent the fact that people think Stone Cold Steve Austin had me beat last Monday night. How could you say that? How DARE you say that? What do you think, I couldn'ta kicked out of Stone Cold's Stunner? PLEASE. I *had* Austin. But I guess we'll never know how that match would've ended, now, will we? But I do know one thing. Triple H...if you need to get to Stone Cold Steve Austin, do it on your own time, pal. I don't need you coming in and ruining what could have been the greatest match, one of the greatest matches of my WWF career. I was set to beat Austin. I was finally going to get the respect that I deserve from these ungrateful, ignorant fans. But I will say this: Triple H, you are a great athlete, but when it comes to the Olympic Games of life...you don't even qualify! You say that I'm the champion because you allowed me to be? Well, if my memory serves me correctly, were you not in the Hell in the Cell match at Armageddon? You know, the match that I won, therefore you lost? Yeah. I thought so. And as far as the Royal Rumble is concerned, I have no problem facing Hunter at the Rumble...but I do have a problem with taking on the McMahon family. No offense to Mr. McMahon, because he's a fair man...but facing his son-in-law, accompanied by his daughter. Well, those are the chances - those are the odds that I don't particularly care for. The McMahon family has a habit of getting what they want - believe me, I know first hand. So with that in mind, since a McMahon will not be in my corner, I decided to get the next best thing - the one person whose goal - biggest goal in her life is to manage a champion. Trish? Coach...I'm gonna do just fine at the Royal Rumble...it's true....it's true."

Chris Jericho is WALKING!

Meanwhile, Chris Benoit is WALKING!

Meanwhile, Edge & Christian are WALKING!

Meanwhile, the Dudley Boyz are WALKING!

Meanwhile, Scott Putski is WALKING!

Dick Butkus shills the XFL - I heard some CFL-lovers have a problem with the XFL. BOO HOO HOO

Gary & Mike is still NEXT!

Kurt Angle hits the SmackDown! hotel and plays THQ's "SmackDown! 2: Know Your Role" for the PlayStation

Edge & Christian & Stacker 2 ad #2

You're watching UPN! Where we cram two hours' worth of ads into 90 minutes!

The WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by 1-800-COL-LECT, is Edge introducing the Dudley Parents, some wacky photos, and the Dudley Boyz doing some damage

EDGE & CHRISTIAN and CHRIS BENOIT (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW & SmackDown! is sponsored by) v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO and DUDLEY BOYZ - Our tag team champions are waering Raiders jerseys - Edge is Woodson, and Christian is whoever #96 is - sorry, I'm only a bandwagon Raiders fan. "Greetings to all of our fans in Oakland! As you all know, it's playoff time...and just like Edge & Christian (the five-time tag team champions) are the bad boys of the World Wrestling Federation, the Raiders are SO TOTALLY the bad boys of the NFL." "And this Sunday, over at the Colesium..." he removes his jersey to reveal a Ravens T-shirt... "they're gonna get totally curbstopped by tghe Baltimore Ravens! So, for the benefit of those with flash photograpy, we call this pose 'On Any Given Sunday.' Edge makes like wall - Christian gets the three-point stance and runs at him...but headbutts the belt and collapses to the mat. Edge points at him. This is your pose. As Benoit hits the ring, let's take a RAW replay of Jericho pinning Benoit in Monday's six-man. WWF SmackDown! is brought to you by Stacker 2, THQ's "WWF SmackDown! 2: Know Your Role," and Greyhound! Jericho's got a mic as well. "You know, Benoit, ever since I was a little tiny Y2J, I wanted to be the intercontinental champion, and you know what? I've done that twice, but when I see you wearin' that title around your waist, I wanna go for number three. And since I already beat your gap-toothed (beep) ... last Monday on RAW, at the Royal Rumble I want a title shot!" Benoit gets a mic to respond. "You know Jericho, we've wrestled each other around the world, and I have beaten, and beaten, and beaten, and beaten you every single time. So I'll accept your challenge. Hell, I'll give you any kinda match you want. If you think that you're gonna climb the ladder to the top of the WWF at my expense, ho ho ho, well, you've got more ignorance in you than the rest of these Jerichoholics put together. You don't believe me? PROVE ME WRONG." "Well, when you put it that way all I can say is...WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP. You know, you did give me a good idea though, junior, when you said I could have any type of match I wanted, and you know, I think I *will* use you to climb my way to the top. Because at Royal Rumble, you and I are gonna face each other for that intercontinental championship in...A LADDER MATCH. So at the Rumble, it's time for lucky number three, and tonight, it's time for three....D." Storm the ring! The Pier Six Brawl is on - the Chrisses pair, Buh Buh Ray gets Christian and D-Von gets Edge. Referee "Blind" Tim White has great difficulty restoring order even AFTER the Dudleyz manage to move Edge & Christian to the outside. Inside, Benoit is all over Jericho with kicks and punches. Chop, chop, kick, kick, whip into the opposite corner sternum first, forearm to the back. Going for a death suplex, but Jericho flips out, spins round and hits a double leg - before he can lock in the Walls, Edge & Christian makes the save - it's a Pier Six one more time, but before we can get things back to par, the glass breaks and STEP OFF runs out with a chair - Benoit ducks a WHACK, but Buh Buh Ray doesn't - neither does Edge - shot for D-Von - no favourites for the Rattlesnake as the ring empties. Austin grabs the chair....and a mic. Hmmm. Guess it's (No contest 0:49) All that wrestling takes up PRECIOUS TALKING time, you know. Quick swig of beer and now it's chattin' time. "Vince McMahon, you got about three seconds to bring your little carcass out here right now! 1...2...3..." "No Chance in Hell" is up and BILLIONAIRE VINCE is out. (Spot the edit) "That's far enough - stop right there. Stop right there. You take another step forward, I'll split your skull wide open." Vince decides to walk back. "Nuuuhhhuhuhuht! You ever turn your back on me again, I'll split your skull wide open. All you gotta do is stand there, look like a jackass and listen to Stone Cold Steve Austin. I didn't come out here to whine and cry about gettin' screwed by Triple H in my title shot. But you wanna come out here and you say 'cool off, Stone Cold. Stay away, Stone Cold,' hell Vince, you know better than anybody in the WWF, nobody tells Stone Cold Steve Austin what to do. Basically, I gotcha out here, all ya gotta do is answer one question for me, and that is - is Stone Cold Steve Austin in the Royal Rumble?" "Aww Stin!" "In case ya didn't hear me, I said answer my question. Is Stone Cold Steve Austin in the Royal Rumble?" "Yer in." "Yer damn right - that's all I needed from ya. So what you need to do, turn your little mealy-mouth around, go to the back and you tell the 29 other WWF superstars that Stone Cold Steve Austin is highly (beep) off. I am gonna raise more hell in that Royal Rumble than anybody's ever seen in their life. As far as Triple H is concerned, it's real easy - it's real easy to sit there on a TV set two thousand miles away and talk a buncha trash. So as far as you sayin' it ain't over 'til you say it's over, it ain't over 'til Stone Cold Steve Austin is sittin' at the house - EH EH - I will deal with your sick ass, and I will settle the score after I win the Royal Rumble, and that's the bottom line...'cause Stone Cold said so." Beer him! Is it just me or did Austin just predict that Triple H would come out of Rumble Royale with the title? ("Maybe he's just saying he's gonna pick off Triple H in the PPV *between* the Rumble and WrestleMania. Kill some time by killing Triple H.") Oh yeah...I didn't think about that. Hey, did you mellow out this week? ("Yeah, seeing it live worked wonders on my jaded cynicism.") Too bad you couldn't get some of your friends to do that.

Hardy Boyz eat another can of ravioli - aren't they full yet?

Triple H shills Weider one more time - isn't he juiced yet?

Dudley Boyz shill THQ's "No Mercy" - JESUS

Gary & Mike is next, too - What's that thing Cole always says? "Stop the pain?"

Speaking of him, your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. Visit WWF.com or MTV.com to apply for "Tough Enough!" Oh, you gotta pay your own way, be filmed 24 hours a day, pretend you're on "the Real World" and I *believe* you won't make enough to eat out of the deal, but hey - for some people, just being on TV is enough.

Moments Ago - hey, it's only a 90 minute show - that's why we don't get one of these until 70 minutes in

Meanwhile, Vince is WALKING! He goes into his dressing room....where Trish Stratus is sitting on the sofa (!) "Can you believe this night. Can you believe this night? I mean, first of all, Austin shows up here - he defies me! He shows up here - I had no choice but to put the man in the Royal Rumble! And Trish....you. Wh-wh-what are you doing? Volunteering your services to be in Kurt Angle's corner, what are you doing, Trish?" Trish uncrosses her legs on the way to a slow-motion standing up. "You know, you're right. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry - I - I wouldn't do *anything* to make you unhappy or displease you." "Well, it's just that...." Vince goes into Barry White growl. "...you have to understand, I mean...it's my job to protect everyone here, and I..." Trish puts his hands in hers. "I know that, and I appreciate that! Listen, I'm so sorry. You know what? I've been bad - I've been horrible." "Well, I don't know if I'd say---" "Oh, I'd said I've been bad - I've been very bad. I have been so, so bad - in fact, I think that I've been so bad...that I deserve a spanking." Trish bends over - it's almost like she's aware that the cameraman's right in front of her cleavage! "Oh, uh...come to think of it....you HAVE been a - a very bad girl." Trish closes the door in front of the cameraman and we linger on the MR. McMAHON faceplate while Lawler orgasms with "SPANKER! SPANKER! SPANKER!" I have a feeling HE'S spankin'er. Damn, King, this is a TV-PG show!

KANE (with 1-800-COL-LECT presents the Royal Rumble...live in ten days!) v. RIKASHMONEY (with Gary & Mike ad #11714289) v. AD BREAK - I'm not sure, but I *think* the lyrics to Rikishi's theme go "I'm a bad man / With a big ass" Kane kicks at Rikishi every time he tries to enter the ring, so Rikishi decides to chill out on the outside, since referee "Blind" Earl Hebner ain't doin' anything to help.

I GET LETTERS: Ben Arp was on site: Chimel and a "road crew guy in black WWF t-shirt" moved the one set of UNFORGIVING STEEL steps furthest from the stage during the "ad break" before the McMahon/Stratus segment and two other "road crew guys in black WWF t-shirts" moved the other set of UNFORGIVING STEEL steps a few minutes after the first set was shifted. I almost didn't catch it because I think it was right around the time a bunch of Raiders fans started throwing popcorn and beer at some Niners fans a section over from me. But, alas, it is now no longer a mystery.

I don't know, Ben. In some ways...it may ALWAYS be a mystery.

"Gary & Mike" is next! May this be the LAST time I hear him ask "Whatcha doin' - poopin'?"

Edge & Christian & Stacker 2 ad #3

You're watching a lot of ads between segments of SmackDown! And, believe it or not, Gary & Mike are NEXT! ONLY ON UPN

KANE v. RIKASHMONEY v. ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' v. IF YA SMELLLLLLLL (with Closing Credits) in a Fatal 4-Way for #30 in the Royal Rumble - As Taker drives around the ring, Rikishi *finally* gets in and he and Kane get to trading right hands. Taker hits the ring and goes to work on Kane - into the ropes, big boot. Soupbone for Rikishi, Rock's music hits and here he is. Back elbow for Rikishi by Taker, back elbow, Rock hits the ring but he's ready for him - block, soupbone, right by Rock, soupbone, soupbone, knee, soupbone, choke...Kane from behind to break it up. Right puts Undertaker on the outside. Right for Rock, right, right. Undertaker and Rikishi tango on the outside. Kick by Kane, right, back elbow, right, right, Undertaker throwing soupbones as they make their way close to the commentary table. Rock blocks, right, right, right, right, off the ropes...Kane puts him up on his shoulder...but Rock slides behind, ducks a clothesline, gutshot, DDT! Quickly on top - 1, 2, Kane kicks out. Rock off the ropes...into a big boot. Uppercut puts Rock on the outside - and that would eliminate him in the Royal Rumble! Rikishi in with a surprise RIKISHIKICK! Undertaker behind - soupbone, into the ropes is reversed, Undertaker ducks and flies with a clothesline. Kane outside to meet Rock. Arm wringer, "old school!" ropewalk and top-rope elbow to the elbow. Piefaced in the corner, back elbow, soupbone, meanwhile outside Rock blocks a STEEL steps shot (HEY! How did those steps get back in the corner?) and puts Kane's head there instead. Rikishi sneaks a right hand underneath a soupbone and gains the advantage. BELLY-to-belly suplex! 1, 2, Rock drops a forearm to break it up. Zombie situp! Rock with a right to Rikshi, right, kick, kick, out of the corner but Rikishi reverses an Irish whip and Rock falls to a waiting Kane clothesline. All four men in the ring but only two on their feet - and Rikishi and Kane are having a bit of a staredown. But instead of going at it, they each turn their back - Kane stomps on Undertaker while Rikishi hits the drumstick drop on the Rock. 1, 2, Kane pulls off Rikishi. Well, that was a short alliance. Undertaker's got a gash above his eye. Meanwhile, Kane and Rikishi are trading rights to no effect, so Undertaker gets between them and throws the soupbone in both directions. Back elbow for Rikishi, clothelsine puts Kane outside. That would eliminate him in the Rumble, by the way. Rock over to Rikishi as Kane ankles Undertaker outside to join him. Rikishi into the ropes, no reversal, back elbow puts Rock down. Into the corner, follow lariat, Rock flumps and Rikishi's gonna try that stinkface again...and once again, Rock lands an uppernut to prevent it. Rikishi needs to start scouting or something. Runs right into a spinebuster! 1, 2, Undertaker pulls Rock off. Rock takes umbrage - then grabs his hair to pull him up to the apron - but Undertaker drops *him* with a hot shot. Undertaker in the ring as Rikishi goes out - uppercut by Kane. Rock into the ropes, ducks the clothesline, right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT - Rikishi with a death suplex on the ramp! Back to the ring - Undertaker into the ropes - what the hell was that? Apparently Undertaker caught the Rock Bottom attempt and turned it into a DDT - gotcha. All four men are down. Guess which ONE gets the chant from the crowd. Undertaker manages to slowly roll over to the Rock.....1, 2, shoulder up! Undertaker stirs...he's up and he's bleedin'! We see that Rikishi and Kane are up and making their way back from the ramp to the ringside floor. Undertaker stomps on Rock - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, standing on the neck - Kane uppercuts Rikishi - Rikishi uppercuts back - got the bell - DING! Rikishi back in to pound on Undertaker, into the opposite corner, FAT ASS SPLASH. Warming it up....but instead of giving the Undertaker the stinkface, he runs to the opposite corner and gives *Rock* a fat ass splash! But Kane's back in with a chair - WHACK! And down he goes. I thought Samoans had hard heads! Kane covers - 1, 2, Undertaker pulls him off - Kane blocks the soupbone, right, right, into the ropes, Taker ducks...choke...CHOKESLAM!! 1, 2, ROCK pulls him off! Rock with a right for Taker, right, right, clothesline out of the ring (that would eliminate you in the Rumble) - waiting for Kane to get up...ROCK BOTTOM! Hooks the leg - 1, 2, Undertaker pulls HIM out! Soupbone, head to the commentary table. Meanwhile, Rikishi is over to Kane - standing above - and SQUASH. 1, 2, 3. (8:14) Undertaker cuts the celebration short by coming back in and meeting him in the corner - soupbone, left, soupbone, left, soupbone, left, soupbone, left, soupbone, soupbone, and a CLOTHESLINE that sends Rikishi for his patented proverbail loop! And now Rock's back in and wanting a few words with the Deadman. Taker shoves him off. Rock expresses surprise...and then shoves back. Soupbone, right, soupbone, right, soupbone, right, Taker ducks a clothesline, choke...Rock kicks him in the nuts! Rock waits for him to turn around to give him Rock Bottom - NO Kane is up - ahhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAM! Hey Undertaker, you're my brotha - ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM! Rikishi manages to get up - to take ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM! Kane sets the turnbuckles alight - he may not have #30, but at the Royal Rumble, Kane's definitely a force to be reckoned with.

Straight into "Gary & Mike." It's a lot like "Shasta McNasty," but in claymation. So guess what - I skipped it. I mean, at least "The PJ's" had *Eddie Freakin' Murphy* - what's this one got? AHMET ZAPPA? Passaroonie there, big man.

Four matches, and one of them a non-starter? I guess it's been too long and tiring a week for me to complain 'cause I'm not really all that unhappy. They had to set up the Rumble undercard SOONER or later. Besides, we're all interested in *WCW* now, right?

Right?

Oh.

AFTER THE FACT: Ajdloc writes: hey chris, just a few interesting notes and sidenotes from smackdown last night. the power move that prototype used was the same as last time, i beleive i described it as a tilt a whirl power slam. not too much else to talk about except that oakland security is really garbage. as my party and i were exciting, we got crossed up and actually ended up walking to the football field through the back stage area, with no security in site. needless to say my buddy and i took a pic because no one would have ever beleived us without it. anyway, stay up and peace out. Go Raiders!

InDEED.