UWA: Hey, I actually SAW a BET schedule with the UWA *on* it. I SWEAR. I tuned in last night, and sure enough, Rick was right...it had disappeared. Well, I can't explain it either. I mean, I was only gonna recap it *once*, and even then only if Sonny Siaki (or as I like to call him, "the next Rock") was on it. If anybody out there has BET connections and wants to explain what's up and what happened, please write in and let me know. What *I* had heard was that there were only a limited number of episodes as it was, and they were going to be essentially nothing but syndie retreads, but hey they'd be new to ME, and anyway. It may still happen...who knows?

NOTE TO HYATTE: Sorry, buddy...I *did* get more Christmas cards than you. I just didn't feel the need to make a public show of crowing about it...until five minutes ago.

Also, unlike you, *I* thanked Grinner the VERY week he sent his card *instead* of waiting a month AND giving his email address out to the world to boot.

In conclusion, you're a big poo poo head. And leave my good friend Richard Scaia ALONE!

SINCE WE'RE CLOGGING THE TOP OF THE COLUMN UP WITH PERSONAL SHIT: Here's the deal: I ended up catching the flu sometime last week - probably during my FREE TRIP TO SMACKDOWN! - and while my body was dealing with THAT, my bronchial tubes ended up infected, inflammed, something or other so after visiting a doctor for the first time in about four years, I got an inhaler of some nerd drug (because only NERDS need inhalers) as well as some highly addictive codeine cough syrup. So while I'm technically still too sick to go to work (making this guy the GREATEST DOCTOR ON EARTH), I can at least get these reports done on time, THEN get some real sleep with absolutely no uncontrollable coughing coupled with incredibly achy upper respiratory everything. As to whether the drugs will affect my *writing*, well.....not so's you'd notice. Other than all the extraneous crap at the top, I mean.

KINGS UPDATE: Still percentage points behind the Blazers - damn them. 26-10, 1.5 GB (.010 behind)

UPN - Thursday!

TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Highlight package from Monday starts with a graphic repeating Vince... "In the Interest of FAIRNESS..." go read the RAW report, then pretend you only read a few sentences of certain transcriptions...in letterbox. Oh, that reminds me

I GET LETTERS: Big ups to Ross "Rossie Rossie Rossie" Brown for settling a mystery from Monday: Just so you know, it was indeed a 'pussy' that HHH called Austin. I live in Australia and strangely it wasn't bleeped out, (would you have any idea if it was bleeped anywhere else in America?).

Nobody with the east coast feed mailed me, so I can only assume it wasn't - otherwise, I'd have gotten about 500 messages or so telling me it wasn't bleeped. (Either that, OR I'll get them NOW, now that I've called attention to it yet again)

Opening Credits

PYRO AWAY! Thursday night's all right for something or other - coming to you from the (fifteenth consecutive sellout at the) Allstate Arena in Chicago, IL 18.1.1 (but taped 16.1) and transmitido en espanol on UPN - *this* is WWF SmackDown!

TONIGHT: Triple H is the special guest referee in a boffo six-man tag - on one side, the Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Undertaker; on the other, Kane, Kurt Angle, and Rikishi! You can bet some physical provocation is just a match away! But that'll be last. First...

CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO, ladder in hand, walks to the ring. Just like Benoit, he sets the ladder up in the middle, climbs to the top...and waits for the music to stop. Then....well, after pausing for the "Y2J" chant, "Chris Benoit, I'm not gonna come out here and do a 20-minute long opening speech about you. I'm not gonna come out here and show some funny, wacky pictures of you, either. Hell, I'm not even gonna come out here and call you a gap-toothed jack(beep). No, the truth is the Royal Rumble's on Sunday and the name-calling is over. Let's talk about facts. Fact number one - last Monday on RAW, I beat the hell outta you using this ladder. Fact number two - this Sunday, I'm going to beat you for the intercontinental championship using a ladder just like this one! And fact number three, even though I don't want to use a tired old cliche like 'I don't wanna wait until Sunday, I want you in a ladder match right here right now,' BUT...Benoit, I don't wanna wait until Sunday, I want you in a ladder match, right here, right now, on SmackDown!, tonight!" But the music that replies isn't that of Benoit...it's PERRY SATURN's, with NIPPLES nearby. Is Saturn bleaching his goatee like Scott Steiner? "Jericho! While you're out here throwin' facts around, I got a fact for you. The fact is, there's nothing Chris Benoit would like to do more than to come out here and beat you up, just like he always does! But...after that cowardly attack on Monday, and you struck Benoit in the head with a ladder - well, Chris has been under constant doctor's care. He's suffering from headaches, dizziness, and nausea." Terri whispers in his ear. "And now, Chris can't even take care of his own baby boy. I hope you're happy! What I'm trying to say is while I'm sure on Sunday Benoit would get the job done, I'd be more than happy to do it right now!" "Jupiter, would you please SHUT THE HELL UP. It sounds to me like your story is even more crooked than your eyeballs are...but since your ego is obviously more inflated than Terri's chest...I say step into the office - it's go time, junior!" Saturn sends Terri back, and heads down the aisle...

CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO v. PERRY SATURN - only one problem...there's no referee in the ring. No bell...and they still got that audio monitor in the corner. Hmmm, I guess this isn't an official match, but don't tell THESE guys. Jericho kicks, Saturn with rights, Jericho with rights, back and forth, into the ropes, Saturn reverses, Jericho with a flying jalapeno. Saturn on the apron...Jericho with a springboard dropkick! Hmm, here's CHRIS BENOIT from behind, but Jericho's spotted him - clothesline, clothesline, right, right, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp - Benoit's sitting on the speaker now (that's just poor planning), Saturn back in - belly-to-belly overhead release suplex! Whoa. Benoit grabs the ladder, then RAMS it into Jericho's head....and now Saturn has Jericho's left arm between the legs of the ladder...and Benoit slams it down! And one more time! And once more! High ten, and Saturn takes off....but Benoit isn't done - stomp, removed from the ladder...CRIPPLER CROSSFACE! Jericho taps, but what good'll THAT do? Benoit breaks the hold and pops up to keep the approaching REFS at bay - they all scatter and avoid the ring - then he puts the hold back on a second time! Refs get in the ring...and scatter again after Benoit breaks the hold. There's that infamous grin on Benoit. Benoit up the ramp...turning back...to GRIN one more time. Here's a replay of that ladder to the cranium....and that devastating crossface. Jericho holds his left arm.

The Helmsleys are WALKING! Triple H promises tonight will be a great night...a night Austin will never forget. They happen by a door with a gold star and "TRISH STRATUS" on it, and Stephanie goes ballistic. Triple H is a bit more pragmatic about the situation. "Let's go take care of our business, and worry about this crap later...all right?"

Edge & Christian shill Stacker 2

You're watching UPN!

Triple H shills Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder

Moments Ago, five paragraphs ago (Don't think it was five paragraphs ago? PROVE ME WRONG)

Hey hey! It's the Rock! And he's WALKING!

EDGE (with Christian) v. BUH BUH RAY DAMN DUDLEY (with D-Von Damn Dudley) - "Seeing as we're defending our tag team championships this Sunday at the Royal Rumble against the Dudleyz, you'll have to forgive us if we're not in the posing mood. But if you wanna use your flash photography, take a picture of this." The OvalTron shows the sneak attack on the Dudley Boyz from RAW. "You see, we're not posing until after the Rumble...and when we do, it's gonna be a very special pose. A pose entitled 'A Cold Day in Dudleyville.'" Both Dudleyz carry bruises and walk funny - aftereffects of Monday's free concussions from their Rumble opponents. Edge tries to get a sneak attack in, but Dudley is ready - block, right, into the corner, right, right, chest slap, into the opposite corner, Edge reverses, and clubs the back of the head. Stomp to the head, stomp, stomp, right, right, right - every shot to the affected noggin. Head to the mat, again, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Dudley with a side slam for 2. Tonight, a big surprise from Lawler - I'm sure it'll involve cheerleaders or some other nonsense. Edge tosses Dudley, follows, and rearranges the steps. Shot to the head - Christian lines him up in the crook of the steps...and Edge dropkicks him! Right hand. Another right. And one more. Dudley tries to fire back but ends up eating a right. Rolled back in - Dudley gets one more in, but Edge is still in control. Right, into the ring. Standing dropkick. Edge perched on the ropes...but runs into a clothesline from Buh Buh Ray! Both men are down - D-Von tries to lead some synchronous clapping. Both men to their feet - Edge right, Dudley right, block, right, ducks a clothesline, but Edge goes up and over, ducks a clothesline, but gets hung out to dry. Dudley with a clothesline, another clothesline, into the ropes, big back body drop! Full nelson...into the atomic drop. Christian on the apron - Dudley ducks his swing and throws a right - D-Von is over to grab Christian - double leg by Dudley on Edge - catapult into Christian, and he bounces back into a rollup - 1, 2, 3! (3:22) Edge gets up, stomps on Dudley, into the ropes, but Buh Buh Ray sidesteps it and takes Edge over the top rope to the floor! Christian in...into a scoop...and a slam - they don't even say "wazzup," Buh Buh Ray is all "DO IT, DO IT, DO IT" - D-Von is a bit slower to the top, but the headbutt to the graun still lands. D-Von can't even do his testify dance! Before Buh Buh Ray can ask for some furniture, Edge is back in with a spear to take him down. Christian hits his Tomokaze on D-Von. And now it's *Edge*...grabbing a table from under the ring? The table is set up on the floor, ringside... and Buh Buh Ray gets a double powerbombed off the apron through it! Edge: "How do you like your tables, Dudley?" Play Edge's music!

Whoa....that meet-an-std.com ad was...odd.

Triple H shills Weider WHAT? Muscle Builder (2)

You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!

Moments Ago, four paragraphs ago

A black limousine pulls up...and Trish Stratus gets out. "You know, I could get used to this. Could you get my bags?"

Stephanie, watching on a monitor, reacts to this with....I guess it's disgust. Triple H asks her to relax. "You know, I don't tell you to relax when people cross you." Triple H says he'll leave her alone for a little while to cool off. Hmm...

HARDY BOYZ & LITA (with SmackDown! is brought to you by Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder, Chef Boyardee overstuffed ravioli, and Greyhound!) v. ACOLYTES & JACQUELINE in shakin', bakin' intergender action - This match came about because....um.....they couldn't think of anything better to fill the time. And you know what? That's just fine. Faarooq starts with Jeff Hardy, Hardy ducks, right, right, right, kick, but runs into a big back elbow. Forearm to the back. Scoop...and a big slam. Headbutt off the ropes. Faarooq hasn't been this fast in a LONG time! Hardy slides under, kicks the back, dropkick to the front and he's down. Tag to Matt, stomp by Jeff, into the corner, whip out, Poetry in Motion, Matt with a right, right, right, right, off the ropes, but falls into a powerslam. Tag to Bradshaw - open kick. Into the ropes, shoulderblock by Bradshaw. Into the ropes, head down, kick by Hardy. Coming off the ropes for another....but Hardy runs into Bradshaw's big boot instead. Jeff gets a free shot, and Lita ducks another swing from Bradshaw (!). Hardy off the ropes, ducks a clothesline, tries the crossbody but is caught, but Jeff dropkicks the pile to finish it. Both Hardys stay in - nice double suplex. Jeff pops Faarooq, so he pulls his hair to the mat. Bradshaw reverses into a short clothesline on Matt. Tag to Faarooq - Matt into the ropes - double spinebuster! Jackie taps Faarooq on the back - SHE wants some of Matt? Stomp, leg sweep by Matt, tag to Lita - clotheslines her down, clothesline, into the ropes, flying clothesline! 1, 2, Jackie kicks out. Side headlock, Jackie elbows out, into the ropes, shoulderblock by Lita, up and over, ducks a clothesline, dropkick lands, into the ropes is reversed, but Lita hits a scary flying head scissors. Jackie manages a punch, back elbow off the ropes, elbowdrop, and just like that it's Jackie with a 2. Right hand, into the ropes, BIG sidewalk slam - 1, 2, kickout. "Lita" chant rises from the crowd. Scoop...no, Lita reverses into a Slop Drop. Going up top...moonsault hits the legs but we'll pretend it landed perfectly - 1, 2, Faarooq pulls her off! This brings in Matt - THEY start brawling - meanwhile, Bradshaw and Jeff get the tag - Jeff with a dropkick before Bradshaw can come in - then a pescado to meet him off the floor! Back in the ring, Faarooq has Matt on his shoulder...trying for the Dominator (when was the last time he hit that?), but Jeff is in with a shot to the ribs - Matt with a gutshot, Twist of Fate, Jeff with the Swantonbomb...but Bradshaw is in with the Hades lariat on Jeff! Guess who's legal? Damn right. 1, 2, 3. (4:33) Replay of the Swantonbomb...and the clothesline from Hell.

Stephanie ANGRILY chews on vegetables with dip because she's ANGRY. Stratus enters - "Stephanie, a word please?" "Trish - I was just thinking about you!" "Were you?" "What'sa matter - did you get lost? You miss your dressing room with that big star and your name on it?" "Oh no, I saw that, that's fine, I saw that, thanks." "Yeah, you like that dressing room? You like that mink coat that you were wearing? You like these, ah, diamond earrings?" "You know what, I DO like these diamond earrings, Stephanie, but what I didn't like was having my butt exposed on national television on Monday night! Are you trying to humiliate me in a spanking match?" "Hahahah - well it certainly wasn't the first time you were ever...SPANKED...wasn't it, Trish? But you know what....speaking of gifts, I think I've got one for you." "You wouldn't dare." "Oh no?" Sure enough, she dumps the dip on Trish - after squealing, she shoves Stephanie back! At this point, Vince enters the room. "Hey hey hey - Wait a minute! What is the meaning of this? What is the matter with you two? Wait just a minute. Why don't you act your age, huh?" "ME act my age?!" "Yeah, act your age! Calm down, will ya please - why can't we just be one big happy family? Trish, come on - get outta here, lookit - you're a mess. I can't get a...come on..." "Family?!"

The Hardy Boyz eat Chef Boyardee overstuffed ravioli

You're watching SmackDown! on UPN - oops, caught the Road Dogg in that bumper

During the Break, another limousine pulled up....and nobody got out of it?

Moments Ago, four paragraphs ago - geez, I feel like I saw this ENTIRE clip already - oh, wait...I did

Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER...along with A COPY OF CHYNA'S BOOK

TONIGHT: That six man graphic with seven men pictured - for, you see, there is a special ref involved

Let Us Take You Back to RAW where the big tag team event ended with Kane turning on the Rock, Undertaker powerbombing Rock for the pin...and Kane and the Undertaker looking at each other...

LILIAN GARCIA stands backstage with the Undertaker - I'll bet he spits. Are he and Kane reconciled? Oops, I lose. "Is that right. Kane and the Undertaker together again. Is that what you think? Well, do you think if that was the case that I'd be here advertising it? But I tell you this: in just a few days, it's time for the Royal Rumble, and there's 29 other men in that Rumble that are gonna find out that if they try me, I *will* make 'em famous. And that's the facts....Jack."

Meanwhile, Vince brings Trish a towel - and catches her in her bra. He offers her his jacket. Trish wipes off her breasts for our benefit - or Vince's - or the cameraman's, who knows. "I'm so sorry aboot that..." "No, I - I apologise on behalf of Stephanie." "Well, she got a little excited aboot that, but...I'm sorry, y'know I just want you to know that this job means the WORLD to me, and, I mean, I don't wanna come between you and your family, or anything - you know, I just, I learned so much from you, and being a manager, and just, I love being here, ya know (jacket comes off - big sigh - and arms around Vince) Anyway, I just, I just wanna say that I appreciate everything that you, that you do for me, I've learned so much from you - thank you so much." "Oh, you're - you're welcome - you know, one thing I'd like to say is I think you have a very bright future (yikes - she puts one hand on each butt cheek) I think you have a ... very ... bright future." At this point, Dave Hebner barges in - "Mr. McMahon, Mr. McMahon, your guests are waiting for you in the parking lot." "WHAT?! Don't you DARE interrupt me like that a-- how dare you! How dare you! I'll be right back. How dare you..."

Meanwhile, Stephanie is watching on a monitor - and reacts by upending a vegetable tray.

So.....Vince doesn't mind doing it in front of millions of viewers, but God forbid if *one road agent* sees it? I bet Madonna's EXACTLY the same way.

And now, Stacker 2 presents the WWF Burn of the Week! From Monday, Stephanie burns Trish by booking her in a .... match ... of some sort. I forget

After warning Dave Hebner that there'll be hell to pay if the next time he interrupts him, Vince McMahon welcomes the unseen occupant of the limo. "You all set for the Rumble? Huh? All the way? Well....I don't have but a few minutes, okay?" He gets in and....

Meanwhile, "My Time" plays and STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT hits the ring. She's got an entrance video now? NOW I'm frightened. By the way, her hair is straight tonight, so you can probably cheer her if you want. "You know, you start off with a small little pile o' garbage, and it's small enough to where you can simply ignore it...but then that pile of garbage begins to grow...and grow...and then it starts to stink really bad...until it's such a problem that you can't ignore it anymore. The time comes when you've gotta take that garbage out. So, tonight, I'm gonna take out *the* biggest piece of trash I've ever laid my eyes on. Trish Stratus, come down to this ring right now!" We pause. Well, here *is* TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL DOT COM sauntering down the aisle with a smile on her face, and wearing a brand new outfit. Also she's about three inches taller from the heels - actually eye-to-eye with Stephanie, unlike earlier tonight. Looks like she's in a peacemaking mood. "Stephanie, Steph! You have got this all wrong. Me and your dad - Mr. McMahon and I, we are just friends! I mean, we're close friends - but it's more like - he's more like a mentor to me, you know...actually, you know, when it comes down to it, Steph...you and I, we're the same! I love this business just as much you do...as a matter of fact, Steph, I would bend over backwards for this company." "Bend over backwards, Trish...knowing you, I think you just plain bend over." Oooh! "And don't EVER compare yourself to me. You know NOTHING about this business, and as far as the WWF is concerned, *I* am the dominant female. Now you can learn that the easy way, or I can teach it to you the hard way." "Are you threatening me?" "Oh yeah, Trish - that's MORE than a threat." Hmm, I take it back - Trish is about two inches shorter, still. Anyway, here comes THE NEW MAN. "Enough - enough! All right? Enough! Both of you! Knock this crap off - the two of you are not gonna get into a catfight, no matter how much these jerks want it. You need to calm down, okay? You need to relax. Steph, you are above this. You do not need to be dealing...["ass hole!"]...shut your holes, I'm not in the mood! You do not need to be dealing with the likes of her. And Trish...as far as you go, before my wife knocks you down faster than I hear you actually..." Well, before we get the end of what could probably have been an interesting line, here comes KING KURT ANGLE to *really* muddle - meddle - muddy - whatever, here he is. "Triple H, I would like to think you have a little more respect for my new business advisor than that. The fact that Trish has an ass and you ARE an ass...it's really all apples and oranges. The point is, you and I have a match for MY WWF title this Sunday at the Rumble....and before that, I have been personally invited by the president-elect himself to attend the Inauguration ceremony. So before you come out here insulting people and breaking up fights, let me ask you something: where are YOUR gold medals? Where is YOUR Inauguration invite? Oh that's right, you don't have any, and I know something else that you won't have after this Sunday, and that's my World Wrestling Federation championship. And Triple H...it's true...it's DAMN true. Now, Trish..." And H decks him from behind. While he lays in the rights, Stephanie takes down Stratusand SHE wails away. Angle punches back...now we watch the ladies....now H puts Angle through the ropes to the outside. H is apparently oblivious to the goings on behind him...Angle runs around the ring, pulling Stratus out by her ankles just before H gets his hands on her hair. They back up the ramp while Triple H's music plays. Stephanie tries really hard to make a Triple H sneer face...and succeeds about as well as you'd expect. Which is to say, "hardly."

Royal Rumble ad

UPN's Extreme February is coming! Oh boy! XFL! Rock sayin' "Let's get it on!" I can't *wait* for SWEEPS MONTH

Moments ago, three paragraphs ago

Stratus and Angle take turns complaining about Stephanie and Triple H respectively. Vince shows up - he's just heard. After dismissing Angle, telling him to have a good night, he turns to Trish...and gives her the night off. "And not only are you gonna take the night off, you know what? I'm gonna take the night off....with you. Let's go." He helps her with her coat...and off they go.

WILLIAM REGAL comes out (Hello!) to provide guest commentary. As he walks out, Cole shills Drew Carey's upcoming PPV - so he's coming to the Royal Rumble to learn about pay-per-view. OHHHHHHH

BALD VENIS v. TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST - Test walks around the ring...backs ever closer to Regal - then decks him! Got him by the tie, knee, rips off a sleeve, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, Venis over with a right, clubbing forearm, into the ring, and I guess the match proper will start now as the bell rings. Venis with a field goal kick, one more, and one more. We take a moment to reflect on another great facial expression from our goodwill ambassador and European champion. Head to the buckle by Venis, right, right, into the ropes, Test ducks a clothesline and hits one of his own. Head to the buckle by Test, right, right, into the opposite corner hard, and Venis goes down. Regal has found his way back to the third headset. "I've just been molested!" Venis puts up an elbow, but runs into a full nelson slam...for 2, for Test. Into the corner, Venis steps aside and Test hits the post headfirst. Death suplex from Venis. Stomp, stomp, at this point the entire crowd turns round to watch something else, into the ropes, back elbow, elbowdrop, 2. Regal says an anonymous person told him to help out the buxom wench, so he did. Scoop...and a slam. Off the ropes with a kneedrop...for 2. Venis goes to the headlock. Test to his feet...elbowing out, elbow, elbow, Venis yanks him back down to the mat. Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas warning him...don't know why, but he is. Venis brings Test back up...Test with a right, Venis with a right, Test, Venis, Test, Test with a kick, right, into the ropes, big back body drop, running clothesline, clothesline, into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl slam (!) gets 2. Into the ropes, head down, kick by Venis, running into a double clothesline and both men are down. Regal tells us Austin will get some trouble next time they meet. We look back to the ring, where they're both back up, Venis ducks a clothesline and grabs a waistlock, Test blocks the suplex attempt, back elbow, elbow, elbow, Venis with a gutshot, off the ropes, but Test puts up the big boot - 1, 2, no! Venis lowers the bridge and Test goes outside...so Regal removes his headset, takes his chair to Test, and WHACKS him. Korderas missed all this, in deep discussion with Venis. Regal: "Wot? WOT?" Cole: "What do you mean, what - you just hit Test in the head with a steel chair!" Regal: "How DARE you." Regal puts on another great self-satisfied facial expression. Venis goes outside, rolls Test in, and rolls him into position for the Censor Shot. 1, 2, 3! (4:42) Venis looks at Regal...and leaves the ring as Regal hits it - he stands over Test, slaps his face, and gives him a piece of his mind. Then he waves hello! Play his music!

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with Rikishi - the odds-on favourite to win. "You know I shocked the world when I ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin, but world, don't be shocked when I win the Royal Rumble. Kevin Kelly...don't overlook...the obvious."

Dick Butkus pimps the XFL. I guess it could be worse - they could've gotten Alex Karras

Extreme February coming soon - "Let's get it on!"

Oops, *that* SmackDown! bumper has the Road Dogg in it - better get that taken care of already

"Tough Enough" hype

JONATHAN COACHMAN stands with Kane. Sunday, it'll be him vs. 29 other guys at the Rumble. "No...that's where you're wrong. It's ME - KANE - versus THE WORLD."

The King stands in the ring and - wait for it - introduces us to the XFL CHICAGO ENFORCERS CHEERLEADERS. I like to call this segment a "complete waste of time." ("What, that medication make your penis fall off?") Thankfully, RIGHT TO CENSOR(SHIP) prevent us from having to watch their first cheer ever by interrupting the proceedings and hitting the ring. Check that, it's only Richards & Ivory out, and Richards has THE STICK: "Cut our music. It doesn't surprise me at all that you sitting here tonight would CHEER such obscene behaviour! You have been conditioned to believe that scantily-clad women gyrating like strippers reaching out for dollar bills is entertainment...but YOU'RE WRONG. So all you women, and I use that term loosely, get out of this ring or we will throw you out, and show you just how deep our conviction runs. NOW GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! OUT! OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUTTA HERE! GET OUTTA HERE! GET! OUTTA HERE!" "Isn't it JUST LIKE - just like the World Wrestling Federation to take an honest, competitive game like football and perverse it into a violent, vulgar display which hires women to act and dress like HOOKERS?" "Hey hey hey wait a minute - now wait just a minute..." "Women whose only talent lie in their enhanced bosoms and their will to tempt each and every one of you into IMMORALITY!" "Hey that's - All right, listen, that is enough - you know what, I had a little sneakin' suspicion that you two might come out here and try to spoil my little cheerleader surprise tonight. But you know what, I got another little surprise for ya...hey, and it involves a cheer, to, okay? So gimme a C - gimme an H - gimme a Y - ah what the hell, gimme my favourite Playboy playmate...CHYNA!" Interestingly, Chyna carries a wwfdivas.com plug in her chyron....make of that what you will. Richards "holds Ivory back." Chyna parts the ropes...Lawler puts Richards over the top rope to the floor...and Ivory tries to hotfoot it out of the ring. Chyna catches her, though, pulling her in by the hair...and delivering a kick to the gut, then a powerbomb. Play her music again! Richards tries to will Ivory back to consciousness by asking her to look at his eyes....this might take a while, let's go to an ad break.

Triple H shills Weider Dynamic Muscle WHAT? (3)

Moments Ago...two paragraphs ago

Stone Cold Steve Austin is WALKING! Kevin Kelly stops him and asks if, with Triple H the special referee, will he do something tonight he regrets? "Will I do something I regret. The stipulation is, Kevin Kelly, that I can't whip Triple H's ass unless he physically provokes me...but there ain't no stipulation that says I can't whip YOUR ass right now. Do you understand what I mean? Say yes sir." "Yes sir." "You damn right..."

MR. PARTY TIME v. KOOL MOE DEE in a hardcore match - Holly ducks a clothesline, gutshot, right, right, into the ropes, reversal, head down by Blackman, Holly with another kick, Blackman ducks a swing, ducks a clothesline, and hits a belly-to-belly. Blackman outside for plundah. Back in, positioning a garbage can in the corner....whip into the can is reversed and Blackman meets the can headfirst. There'll be a big SmackDown Your Vote! Celebration Friday at 9pm at Club Insomnia in DC - Kurt Angle and Debra will be there - Ticketmaster can hook you up - Holly has a trashcan lid in each hand and the windmill is forthcoming. The WWF registered over a million voters - and almost twenty of them voted! 1-800-COL-LECT replay of the garbage can whip. Blackman ducks another lid swing and crotches Holly on the top rope. Blackman picks up a trashcan lid - into the ropes, kneecapping him. To the head! "FUN'S JUST STARTING TODAY!" Holly has the backhand discus swing scouted, however, and blocks it. "Ha!" So Blackman just pops him on the head. HA! 1, 2, Holly kicks out. Blackman goes for a sign...Holly manages an atomic drop, and a clothesline. Holly picks up the sign, Blackman into the ropes, Holly trying for the kneecaps but Blackman dives over the swing and tumbles down - Holly avoids a roundhouse kick and lands the sign to the head - 1, 2, Blackman kicks out! Holly goes to the garbage can, pulling it out of the corner and going for a swing...Blackman avoids it, and takes Holly's head to the can. Positioning himself for the next move...Holly runs at him with a right hand, but Blackman ducks it, tosses the can to Holly, then superkicks the can after Holly catches it (dummy). 1, 2, Holly kicks out! "YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS..." Blackman outside, and he's got the sticks. "IT'S PARTY TIME!" Blackman hits the hundred sticks. Stick in the crotch slam is only half-successful - the stick falls out in mid-slam. 1, 2, Holly kicks out! Blackman tells referee "Blind" Mike Chioda he's starting to piss him off. Whip into the corner is reversed, Holly with the Best Dropkick In the Business as Blackman backs out. Hollycaust lands (!), but RAVEN is out and he's got a kendo stick. Kendo stick to Holly, kendo stick to Blackman, who falls with an arm draped onto Holly - 1, 2, 3. (San Jose 4:08) Raven quickly runs off before anybody regains consciousness...

Coachman stands with Triple H, wearing the standard WWF-issue sleveless ref's shirt. "Ya know, Coach, in just a few days at the Royal Rumble, I'm gonna become the World Wrestling Federation champion for the fifth time. Now why should I - would I want to provoke Stone Cold Steve Austin?"

The Hardy Boyz are still hungry - hungry for Chef Boyardee overstuffed ravioli - EXTREME overstuffed ravioli

Here's a look at WWF New York

Our hosts can't wait for the Royal Rumble - in person OR at WWF New York, it's all good.

Moments Ago, five paragraphs ago - why *did* Raven do what he done? Who can say?

During the Break, Raven sprinted to his waiting car...and again, we missed seeing who was behind the wheel.

Kevin Kelly catches up to the Rock. "Shut your mouth. What you're failin' to realise, Hermie, is this: is that there's a time for questions, there's a time for answers, and then there's a time for whippin' ass." Gosh, they're all keeping it short and sweet tonight, aren't they?

THE NEW MAN gets his usual intro, while we learn that 1-800-COL-LECT presents the Royal Rumble from the New Orleans Arena in just under 72 hours! You know, there's about 25 minutes left in this show - I'm sure it CAN'T all just be this last match...?

WELL IT'S KANE and RIKASHMONEY and KING KURT ANGLE (with Earlier Tonight) v. AD BREAK - HEY! HEY! RIGHT THERE! There are two guys moving the STEEL steps and I SAW IT I SAW IT I ACTUALLY SAW IT...whoa...I'm dizzy...my head...we'll be right back

Royal Rumble ad (2)

Extreme February Let's Get It On

"Edge, are we shilling Stacker 2 again?" "Christian, only if we get to get our names out in the first words of our sentences to each other!" (3)

WWF SmackDown! returns in a moment on UPN! Hey, what's Mick Foley doing in that bumper?

Damn, I've seen this "Breakin' 2001" ad TWICE during this break. UHHHH make that sound with me UHHHHH

And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by 1-800-COL-LECT - from Monday, Kane turned on his partner, chokeslamming the Rock and leaving him easy pickings for the Undertaker's Last Ride (his aborted first attempt is conveniently edited).

WELL IT'S KANE & RIKASHMONEY & KING KURT ANGLE v. STEP OFF DOT COM and ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' DOT COM (on his Beautiful Titan Bike) and IF YA SMELLLLLLLLL DOT COM - go figure, it's up to 9:44 by the time this segment starts *and* we chew up another four with *these* three entrances. Triple H makes a protracted show of checking Austin...and only Austin...for foreign objects. Angle decides not to wait 'til he's done and runs at him, but Austin steps aside and let's HIM take position in the corner - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right is hooked by Triple H because his count has gotten to four. Austin turns to H...turning his back to Angle, who promptly lands a forearm to the back. Right hand, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, big spinebuster by Austin. H is slow to get over...Angle kicks out at 1. Head to the buckle by Austin - four more times, to the opposite buckle, lariat, tag to Undertaker - open shot. Arm wringer, yanking it down, pounding the arm, to the corner, "old school!" You'd think somebody would have that scouted by now, but not Angle. Head to the buckle. Back elbow. Into the opposite corner, running clothesline. Man, I haven't typed "soupbone" yet - into the corner, scooped up quick onto the shoulder, and powerslammed down. Rikishi pull shim off - and eats a soupbone. Angle with a gutshot, right, right, arm wringer, tag to Rikishi - right hand for Undertaker, right, right, right, right is blocked, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, Rikishi with a right, into the ropes, duck, Taker with a flying clothesline...for 2. Rock wants the tag - Taker gives him a long look....and tags Austin. Open kick. Right, right, right, right, right, blatant choke - H puts the fingers in Austin's face while ticking off the five count. Into the opposite corner, reversal, but Austin pops out with a clothesline. Rikishi manages a right, BIG headbutt, tag to Angle - running right into KICK WHAM - no, Angle shoves him off - head down, Austin kicks, right, into the ropes, Thesz press, piston rights, off the ropes with the elbowdrop. Vertical suplex. Austin giving H the double bird, then coming from the second rope with the Bret Hart forearm drop! Tag to Rock - Open shot, right, right, into the ropes, clothesline, right, Angle rakes the face, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Angle kicks after Rock puts his head down...but Angle runs into a powerslam and Rock gets 2! Rock with a right, Angle with a belly-to-belly out of nowhere. Stomp, stomp, stomp, tag to Kane...Rock walks into a big sidewalk slam. Rock put in the corner, right hand, right, right, Rock blocks, right, right, right, right, Kane with a knee, right, (edit?) into the ropes, Rock flies off with a clothesline! Rock ducks a clothesline, gutshot, DDT! 1, Kane kicks out. Rock slaps Undertaker - that's *like* a tag. Will Taker go at it with Kane? Taker gives Kane a look...and decides to give Angle a free shot instead. He tries to pop Rikishi one, but he gets HIS blow in first. Kane shoves Undertaker back to the corner and slaps Rikishi in. Angle chokes Taker from behind while RIkishi gives Kane a look - "why didn't YOU go after him?" - then gets to work. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, into the opposite corner...back to the first corner...warming it up...and HITTING the fat ass splash! Taker still on his feet but OUT on his feet...walking into a BELLY-to-belly suplex. 1, 2, NO! Rikishi off the ropes with the drumstick drop - and a tag to Angle. Right hand, right, Taker comes back with a soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, into the corner is reversed but Taker puts up the big boot...then runs into a drop toehold. Angle drops the elbow. Stomp, stomp, right, into the ropes, reversed, head down, kick by Angle, into the ropes, head down, Taker takes him to the mat. Taker up first...tag to Austin! Right hand, right, right, into the ropes, back elbow, clothesline, in the corner, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, he gets in eighteen more quick stomps before Triple H pulls Austin off of him. Triple H giving Austin a lecture...but Austin shoves *Triple H* from behind, into Austin, and they all go down in the corner! H turns back around and looks to Angle...gutshot! PEDIGREE! Austin spins H around - and throws a right! H with a right! Back and forth we go - now it's only Austin landing punches - H goes down, Austin turns around and eats a RIKISHIKICK! Taker in, Rikishi down off the soupbone. Rock tags himself in....runs into a scoop onto Kane's shoulder...but wriggles free, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Spinebuster! Kane rolls out - Rock awaits Angle...ROCK BOTTOM! 1, 2, 3!! (10:10) H stands over Angle and points a finger...but Austin lays in wait - KICK WHAM STUNNER! Play *Austin's* music! Now Rock and Austin are staring each other down....Rock's probably all "Hey they were playing MY music before you" WHOA! The camera pulls back to reveal that each man is now in the grip of Undertaker and Kane - DOUBLE ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM!! Again, Kane and Undertaker share a look - Kane sets the turnbuckles alight...and Undertaker's music plays. Taker back on his bike and driving off, leaving Kane to survey the wreckage in the ring. Power to the people! Credits are up and we're out!

Hey, you know Kurt Angle, the WWF Champion? He was pinned *twice* this week...on Monday by Austin, and tonight by Rocky. With this fact fresh in our minds, I think we can extrapolate thusly: either it's a guarantee he *keeps* the title Sunday...or it's guaranteed he's *losing* the title this Sunday.

Of course, if I TOLD you, it'd ruin the pay-per-view for you, so...

I'll leave it to you to figure out which.