UPN! Thursday!

TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Highlights of RAW - well, Triple H's speech over clips and stills from Royal Rumble, more like - THEN, highlights of RAW - damn, this is like three minutes - couldn't we just go read the RAW report instead? No, wait - it's FOUR minutes - yikes.

Opening credits - close captioned logo

PYRO AWAY! OvalTron on the right, you and me in front - coming to you from the Civic Center in Mobile, AL and transmitido en espanol SAP on the United Paramount Network 25.1.1 (taped 23.1), THIS is WWF SMACKDOWN! How will Stone Cold Steve Austin react? Stay right there...he ain't comin' out yet.

ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' DOT COM v. RIKASHMONEY, No Holds Barred - they made the match on Monday and they're starting off the show with it? Gotta get the butts in the seats, ah suppose. He's a bad man / with a big ass and they're not gonna wait to git it own - Taker up the ramp, meeting Rikishi - rights and soupbones are traded all the way around the ring as referee "Blind" Teddy Long completely fails to get them in the ring. Head to the STEEL steps by Taker. That doesn't hurt, does it? I guess so. Soupbone! Soupbone, soupbone, soupbone. Long tries again. Nope. Rikishi says "SOMEBODY'S gotta do it," and rolls into the ring...and the bell rings. Taker kicks, into the opposite corner, running lariat. Soupbone puts him down. Oh, this *isn't* NHB - apparently Rikishi reneged on the stip. Soupbone, soupbone, soupbone. Old school comin' up...ayup. Soupbone. Into the ropes, reversed, Kishi manages a Samoan Drop. Off the ropes - drumstick drop! Rikishi with the right hand, uppercut thrust, another thrust, Taker blocks and unleashes the deadly soupbone - gets three in before Rikishi pops a right. Into the ropes, Taker ducks, flying clothesline lands and he covers...for 2. Soupbone. Soupbone. Still on his feet. Soupbone - back on one foot...nope, Rikishi fires back with a right. BELLY-to-belly lands - there's a 2 for Rikishi. Forearm by Kishi, into the ropes, duck, head down, Taker with a DDT. THEMONSTERHAKU is out - block, right, (DQ 2:42), chop, chop, chop, kick, clothesline, kick, kick, kick, chop, kick, kick, kick, kick, and so on. Standing on the throat, choke, Kishi up to join his fellow Islander. DOUBLE HEADBUTT! Rikshi over him - SQUAAAAASH. Dropped headbutt by Haku! Another one - KANE is quickly out (after his pyro hits) and cleans house . Wait, he's one and they're two....sure enough, the tide turns...but only long enough for Taker to join his half-brother to turn it back. Triple spin clothesline on Kish by Taker! Uppercut by Kane puts Haku down. Time to roll out of the ring...and play "Rollin'!" So are they in cahoots (again) or what? I'm gonna have to say..."duh." Taker raises Kane's hand to confirm it - Kane lowers his hand to light the turnbuckles and hit HIS music. Kane walks away, leaving Taker to his bike. Was *this* what they hyped on Monday? No wonder it jerked the curtain...

Backstage, a black limousine pulls up...and an unhappy Mr. McMahon steps out. "You realise what you've done? You've made me twenty minutes late. Me, Vince McMahon, twenty minutes late! Let me tell you something, haven't you ever heard - haven't you ever heard that time is money? I'm gonna teach you just how important my time is. You Alabama moron...you're FIRED!" How come Vince never says "screw you" before saying "you're fired" anymore? Anyway, the guy backs up and out at the speed of light. How's he getting home?

Chyna appears on "Gary & Mike" tomorrow - well - she did, anyway. I watched it. I remember thinking that that clay figure of her didn't look much like her.

Here's your first "WWF the Music: Volume 5" ad. Fourteen never released songs, they say. Hmmm, I thought Kane's theme was already....well, maybe it's *slightly* different. They did that with Christian's theme, right? ("Christian actually has a theme?") Yeah, I think it was him...

Speaking of which, here's Christian shilling Stacker 2 with Edge.

You're watching UPN...sorta

The WWF Slam of the Week is presented by Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder - for people who think Stacker 2 is for WUSSES. From RAW, Triple H gives Trish Stratus the Pedigree - hey, that's DIRTY!

BILLIONAIRE VINCE hits the ring, and he looks to be in the same mood - must have lasted throughout the *entire ad break*. "First of all, I'm not in a very good mood because some Alabama moron limo driver by the name of Cecil made me late! Secondly, I don't appreciate the way that you are disrespecting a man of my distinction! So since you started it, let me just say that it's not true - it's not true what they say about Mobile, Alabama, oh no - intelligent life actually *does* exist here - although it's on a primary grade level. It's not true what they say about Mobile, Alabama - oh no - Southern hospitality still exists. Most of you still greet everyone with a great big smile...although the American Dental Association has dubbed Mobile a disaster area. I'm extremely disappointed when the local populace here describes itself as 'humanity?' I don't think so. But hopefully, you won't be disappointed in some of my remarks tonight. As you know, my New Year's resolution was to be the epitome of fairness - indeed, the personification of fairness. In fact, I have been just that. ["Asshole!"] SHUT UP when I'm talking! I was fair last Monday night when Triple H so desperately wanted his rematch for the WWF Championship against Kurt Angle...when Trish Stratus wanted to go one on one with my own daughter Stephanie, I thought I was doing the fair thing when I indeed combined both of those matches into one, and had a tag team match with Triple H & Stephanie vs. Kurt Angle & Trish Stratus. And as many of you know, a member of my own family, my daughter Stephanie was manhandled in that match by Kurt Angle. A certain employee, and as you all know I treat my employees just like family. An employee by the name of Trish Stratus was driven, chest down into the canvas, chest first, by a Pedigree by Triple H, and in fact, the entire evening was capped off by the interjection of Stone Cold Steve Austin. So let me say this: tonight, to make certain that the events of last Monday are not repeated here tonight, I have given Stone Cold and Triple H the night off. However, there's no question - there is no question that the issues between these two must come to a culmination. And that will in fact take place - there will be one final match between Stone Cold and Triple H, and that match will take place on February 25 at No Way Out...and by the way, the official signing of that match will take place, LIVE, this Monday on RAW. Now then, I said I was a fair man - I will accept some degree of the blame of the incidents that took place on Monday. But there's no question, Triple H deserves a great deal of blame for what he did to Trish Stratus - and there is another individual here tonight, ladies and gentlemen, who deserves to shoulder quite a bit of the blame of the incidents of Monday night as well. Kurt Angle...get your red, white and blue derriere out here NOW." KING KURT ANGLE duly complies with the request, poised on the brink of facehood, WWF title around his waist. "There's something that I'd like to get off my chest, right now. There's something I, and I'll bet all these people, would like to tell you, Vince McMahon, right to your face. You don't know how long I've been waiting to say this, but Vince McMahon....I respect you. I respect your character, your ambition, and of course, your innate sense of what you do. And Mr. McMahon... ["Angle sux!"] Mr. McMahon, the one thing I'd like to do is I'd like to salute you, Mr. McMahon, for what you do. And I hope that you can only find it in your heart to forgive me for what happened last Monday night. My physical contact with your daughter was completely accidental (you know it was), and as far as Trish...well, if I could turn back time and stop your son-in-law Triple H from sticking Trish's head between his legs and ramming her face into the floor, I would. Now, I'm a standup guy, and I know that Trish is my responsibility. Trish was under my watch, and she was my partner. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, Mr. McMahon, sir...I'm sorry." "And I appreciate that, Kurt, but unfortunately tonight 'sorry's not gonna cut it. You see, I don't want you to think that - that I'm attempting to punish you, 'cause I don't do that. But in the interest of fairness, it seems to me that tonight, right here In This Very Ring, you should be defending the World Wrestling Federation championship against the man who unquestionably has made a huge name for himself - against a man who was very deserving. A man who made an accounting of himself the likes of which we've never seen in the Royal Rumble - a man who was dominant there, dominant here earlier tonight, Kurt Angle, you go one on one defending your title here tonight against.....*Kane.*" Vince verbally abuses various WWF personnel at ringside on his way out while Angle reacts to the match just announced. HEY! Lawler just asked how McMahon was getting home! Wahoo!

TONIGHT: Jeff Hardy & Bradshaw vs. Matt Hardy & Faarooq! Huh? We'll learn why after this break!

WWF New York ad

The Hardyz (back when they were still teaming) eat ravioli

You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!

Next Week, SmackDown! goes XTREME! Is it Sweeps month *already?*

JEFF HARDY & ACOLYTE BRADSHAW v. ACOLYTE FAAROOQ & MATT HARDY - We are told that Vince McMahon set up this little parejas increible (which translates literally as "I am much smarter than you are") in response to the Hardyz actions during the Rumble. Bradshaw exhibits visible annoyance with Hardy's "gay" - no, wait - let's say "floppy" dance. At the same time, one doesn't get the impression that the opposing duo are on the same page either - Matt keeps stopping to hit the "guns" pose while Faarooq tries to walk to the ring without stopping. Faarooq is set to start, but when Matt sees Jeff start opposite him, he tags himself in (but you don't have to tag at the start - oh well). Hardy vs. Hardy once again. Lockup, armdrag by Jeff. Matt says "curses!" Lockup, arm wringer by Jeff, right by Matt, right, right, into the ropes, Jeff slides out, Matt slides out as Jeff slides in, dropkick through the ropes, holding on to hit the pescado...but Matt is back in! Jeff goes SPLAT. Backstage, Lita *and* Jacqueline watch on the Magic Window. Matt pulls Jeff to the apron, and suplexes him back in - 1, 2, kickout. Matt still in charge - into the ropes, Jeff up and over, Matt tries to stop but ends up on his knees - Jeff dropkicks him into the middle turnbuckle. THE SHIRT'S OFF SQUEEEEEEEEEEAL - Jeff sits Matt on top and gets to wailing - right, Matt with two rights and shoves him back to the middle - second rope guns legdrop. MATT'S SHIRT IS OFF SQUEEEEEEEAL well not as much, anyway *he* uses it to throttle his brother, dragging him to the corner...and making the tag. Forearm, right, into the opposite corner, backbreaker across the knee. Tag to Matt, forearm. The women still watch. Jeff manages a jawbreaker and tags Bradshaw. Right hand puts him down, another right, pumphandle up...and slammed down. 1, 2, Faarooq (yes, Faarooq) makes the save. After giving his normal partner a look, Bradshaw demands Matt go over and make the tag. Faarooq asks for the tag...and gets it. The crowd gets perky - simultaneous rights, Faarooq ducks the next try and hits the spear - punching away. Into the ropes is reversed, and Bradshaw puts up the boot. Big right hand . Into the ropes, reversed, big powerslam by Faarooq. Gutshot by Bradshaw, clothesline over the top by Faarooq. Bradshaw pulls him out, right, into the STEEL steps whip is reversed and Bradshaw hits it. Faarooq has a chair (!) but referee "Blind" Mike Chioda isn't gonna allow that...pulling it away. Bradshaw with a gutshot and puts him into the post. EVERYBODY back in. Bradshaw up top...super shoulderblock! Bradshaw signalling...but as he comes off the ropes, Faarooq is ready with the SPINEBUSTER! Both men slow to get up - HADES LARIAT. The count is on...Jeff makes a blind tag, and Bradshaw doesn't seem to happy about it. Meanwhile, Matt is in without a tag - dropkick for Bradshaw - now he's got Faarooq - gutshot, Twist of Fate, and Jeff comes off the top with the swantonbomb - 1, 2, 3! (4:45) I think we just got fooled. The Hardyz run off...and hug at the top of the ramp. The Acolytes are left to say (probably) "Well I'll be DAMNED" and hit a Wonder Twins salute to make up. It *could* be just *me* but I'D like to see Jacqueline and Lita NOW. One more sidenote: in general, all fantasy booking sucks, but if I could get down on paper something that FINALLY brings back the Jackyl to check on the team he created...well, that'd be pretty damn cool.

Tough Enough hype - and more crappy videos. "STOP THE PAIN, MICHAEL COLE"

Vince tells whoever's on the other end of his phone that all they need to do is lie back in bed and convalesce. Lawler thinks it's Linda on the other end. Riiiiiight. Hell, maybe it was me - I don't remember a lot about the early part of last week. Call waiting beeps - it's Linda's doctor. Vince gets annoyed - they're not supposed to call him here. "Look, Doc. Double her medication - I don't care, just do what you have to do and don't bother me any more tonight." Back to line one - Vince is all smoooooooth...until seeing Triple H arriving at the arena on the monitor. That's an interesting face! He'll have to call that other person back.

Mick Foley is still looking for a Lieutenant Co-host for the WWF Fanatic Series. Log on to wwffanaticseries.com for details! Why, surely it's the Ultimate Fanatic Contest!

Triple H shills Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder. Wait...didn't Vince HATE Weider? Wasn't that the whole ICOPRO deal? Eh.

Extreme February is coming to UPN! Just like regular February - only more EXTREME!

In case you were curious, the secret Monster Jam clue was "Bulldozer." Of course, Monster Jam has come and gone - so sad

A local ad for SmackDown! is cut off by the show. "What the hell - what the hell are you doing here tonight?" Triple H says he's got it on good authority that Austin's gonna be here tonight. But he gave 'em the night off! H says just because Vince McMahon says it, doesn't mean that's how it's going to be. Things will happen. Vince asks if things happen like "a certain little lady gets pulverized in the ring like last Monday night." "Which little lady are you concerned about, Vince? Your daughter...or somebody else you're pretty close to?" If he'd given him the match HE wanted, this mess wouldn't have existed. "You made the mess...I cleaned it up." Vince says he's sure Austin isn't in his office, so "why don't you take your leave." H...slowly backs away.

Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. Talk turns from Austin and Triple H to the big ladder match.

Here's some stills of that ladder match. "Okay, YOU play Ciclope and I'LL play Silver King."

The new intercontinental champion is WALKING!

Meanwhile, the Big Show - yes, the Big Show - is WALKING!

Hey, wait! An unexpected shot of the Rock - who is not in the upcoming match but *is* WALKING!

WWF Shop Zone Dot Com spot

The San Francisco Demons kickoff special is Saturday at 8PM! Are you excited? Are you? No?

Dammit, once "Save the Last Dance" started playing I was supposed to be FREE of ads for it! You think I LIKE making the same "Breakin'" jokes over and over? (Yeah, actually.) Oh, well...yeah, that's a good one, isn't it?

Dick Butkus pimps the XFL. "Ass" is not bleeped like it is every other time on this show

IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLL DOT COM is coming out in a $500 shirt you will soon be able to buy on the Shop Zone, as it's got his logo all over it. If you buy this thing, I want you to send me a picture of you in it so I can put it on the World Wide Web and we can all laugh at you. Looks like Roca's gonna take third headset and expound upon what it's like to be chokeslammed two days in a row.

WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION: WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - yeah, yeah, EVERYBODY thinks he's still fat. Call me a tool of the WWF publicity machine, but *I'm* ready to believe he's actually lost the weight they say he has. Jericho ducks a forearm and hits the flying jalapeno, forearm, forearm, into the ropes is reversed, well it's a big clothesline. Well it's a big forearm. Into the ropes, well it's a big press and LONG fall for Jericho. Well it's a big paw. "You shut your mouth!" Rock says Show is pregnant. Jericho tossed back in. Jericho tries a right hand, hot shot, Show *STILL* on his feet - springboard dropkick takes Show to the floor (but on his feet). Dropkick through the ropes. Jericho outside...Show scoops him up and puts him stomach first into the STEEL ringpost. Jericho rolled back in. Show over the top rope (just like Diesel!) on his way back in. Well it's a big headbutt. Rock talks about his shirt. Well it's a big bearhug. Jericho fights it...by screaming, I guess. Right to the head, right, rakes the eyes, Show throws him to the mat. Show leaving his feet - well it's a big elbowdrop misses. Could be a mistake. Rock talking about himself (NO!) Jericho with a forearm, right, right, ducks a right from the Show, right, right, into the corner, reversed by the Show. Winding up for the avalanche...but Jericho sidesteps it. Missile dropkick - he's off his feet! 1, 2, Show kicks Jericho out so high he landed on his feet! Dropkick to the head. Got both legs - going for the Walls? Nope - Show has his neck...but before he can hit the chokeslam, Jericho is elbowing him in the mush - there's two - breaks it up, gutshot, off the ropes, ducks a clothesline, crossbody...but Show catches him. Got him in the Slop Drop position under his left elbow, snapping into a right-handed bulldog headlock takedown - that's the "Final Cut," says Cole. And apparently, that's going to be all...except CHRIS BENOIT is in to take some revenge from Monday - dropkick, referee "Blind" Tim White calls for the bell (DQ 3:52), stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, Show stands up and shoves him outside the ring. Show back out over the top rope (just like Diesel!) and stalking Benoit...but he forgot the Rock was behind him - right, right, right, Show shoves HIM away. "Get outta my way!" Show takes the announce table top off...but Rock has the IC belt - WHACK! Jericho with a flying missile - Rock with ROCK BOTTOM on the floor! Well, it took three men to take him down...wonder which one he'll devote his energy to? I dunno - I still say Jericho's "best match ever for Viscera" was better. Say, where *is* Viscera? Jim Ross? Won't you please tell us? While you're at it, let us know if we're gonna get a non-screwy finish tonight.

Steve Austin is - WOW! - DRINKING COFFEE! LOOK OUT FOLKS!

WWF Home Video "Break Down the Walls" and "Kurt Angle: It's True, It's True" ad

Chyna guest stars on tomorrow's "Gary & Mike!" Oh yes she does!

Can "Hannibal" be HALF as good as "Silence of the Lambs?" Check that - can it be *as* good as "Mankiller?"

Triple H catches up to the coffee decanter...but nobody there says they've seen Austin. Hmmm....

TAZZZZZZZZ (with SmackDown! is brought to you by Stacker 2, Chef Boyardee overstuffed ravioli, and Greyhound!) v. K-KWIK - Somebody wrote Kwik a new verse - anybody worry that this guy might get too tired with a pre-match rap delivery? Ducks a clothesline, flying jalapeno, nips up, superfluous splits, right, right, into the corner is reversed, Kwik up and over, superfluous back cartwheel, Harlem sidekick. Let me let you in on a trade secret...close your ears if you're easily offended. Ready? Listen to me. It's a *codeword*, my friends. When they call K-Kwik "charismatic..." well that's their secret (until now!) way of saying he's "black." Kwik outside to scale the ropes - missile dropkick lands - 1, 2, Tazz kicks out. 'bout time for him to do something, isn't it? Tazz ducks a side kick, catches the NEXT side kick - YIKES. I haven't seen *that* suplex in forever. I forget the name - "head and arm (and leg) Tazzplex" will do for now. Stomp. Right hand, right, right, right, "high fishermanplex?" no that's not it. Kwik breaks it up, right, right, right, into the ropes, Kwik with some wacky gymnastics, so Tazz bowls him over with a clothesline (ha!) Stomp. Stomp. Tazz gets muted. Into the ropes, reversed, Kwik with a dropkick. Kwik with a right, right, right, dancing, and a right. Into the ropes, powerslam by Kwik...hmmm, KAI EN TAI are out. 1, 2, kickout. "K-Kwik! You are a rapping fool! Do not mind our presence at ringside! Your talent interests us! And we are mesmerised by your hip yet funky hair!" Kwik, of course, drops everything to look their way, allowing Tazz to duck a clothesline and apply the Tazzmission. Kwik goes under double fast and taps. (2:22) "Hahahahaha! We fooled you! You have been deceived by our trickery! We were lying before! We *meant* to distract you! BECAUSE WE ARE EEEEEEVIL - AH HA HA HA HA HA!" "InDEED!" Now play *their* music!

Our hosts talk about Drew Carey who, in a shocking coincidence, just *happens* to have a pay-per-view this coming Saturday.

Let's Take a Special Video Look at Drew Carey's involvement in the Royal Rumble. Say, didn't we see this Monday? Not to mention Sunday? FUHFUHWID

One More ad for "Drew Carey's Improv All Stars."

Austin is out in the parking lot drinking beers. Wait a minute - is that LEGAL? (It's Alabama, doofus.) Oh. Yeah.

You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!

I think they played that Rufus song like SIX times during this ad break

And now, the WWF Burn of the Week, brought to you by Stacker 2! From RAW, Test makes short work of Steven Regal, burning him of his European title...no, wait...

Triple H finds the spot Austin was at before the break...but all that's left are empty beer cans. H KICKS THE CAN! "Austin! Quit playin' games, Austin! AUSTIN!"

WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRISTIAN (with Edge's music - oh well) v. CRICKET TEST - "Now, normally, I would be out here with my partner, TOTALLY about to regain our tag team titles, but unfortunately Edge made a horrible, horrible mistake and he actually ate the food here in Mobil. So in the meantime, I'm facing Test for the European title...and I know this isn't exactly the Alabama Institution of Learning - there's an oxymoron for ya - but I came up with a little Test of my own. My opponent tonight is A) a reekazoid, B) has more teeth than the entire population of Mobil, or C) is about to become one of the shortest reigning European champions of all time. Well the answer, my friends, is 'D) All of the above.'" Cole: "How about E) about to get your butt kicked?" Umm, Cole, see, it's a question about....oh never MIND. Test forks over the belt to referee "Blind" Jim Korderas and Christian sees his opportunity, shoving Test into Korderas and grabbing the title. Test ducks the swing, and clotheslines him down. Scoop...on the shoulder...DOWN. Into the ropes, boot is up but Christian hangs on and pulls himself outside. Test grabs him by the hair and brings him in the hard way - catches the clothesline and hooks Uncle Slam...funny, I thought he was Canadian. Test hooks the leg...but Korderas hasn't moved since the start of the match. Test rousts him...and Christian has the belt again. WHACK lands this time. Leg is hooked! Korderas VERY slowly over....1.....2.....KICK OUT!! Christian with a right, stomp, right, stomp, right, right, stomp, stomp, nervehold, right, right, right. Test up with a right, right, right, Christian with a right, off the ropes, Test with a tilt-a-whirl slam. Test with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, off the ropes, Christian ducks, Test takes him up and lets him drop - leg is hooked, only 2. Christian with a knee to the gut - trying to whip him into the ropes but *Test* hits a knee to the gut - going for the pumphandle slam but Christian is up and over, shoving him sternum first into the corner - going up top...no, Test meets him, right, right, on the second rope - SUPER BACK BODY DROP! Test up top - time for the elbow? OOOH YEAH IT MISSES. Going for the Tomokaze (Just call it the Unprettier already) but Test shoves him in the rope, big boot to the face, hooks the leg, 1, 2, 3. (3:08) Is Test ready for this kinda push? Are WE? Replay of the top rope backdrop and big, big boot.

Triple H wonders where to go next...then spies Austin sharing a cold one with Kaientai in the locker room on the Magic Window. I think Taka would rather have a sake.

Extreme February is imminent! Only on UPN!

WWF: The Music (Volume 5) ad #2 - the Rock's Media Browser! WHOA!

This month's WWF Fanatic Series presentation is "WWF Divas: Postcard from the Caribbean." I managed to miss EVERY showing of it. Oh well, I'll just find something else to masturbate to.

Kaientai are drinking beer by themselves by the time Triple H catches up with him. Funaki: "Idono" So H demolishes them.

Our hosts chatter some more...but turn somber when the topic switches to Chyna.

Let Us Take You Back to the Royal Rumble - Chyna was dominating for most of the first three whole minutes of this match, but then collapsed after almost connecting with her crappy handspring elbow. Cole says bone fragments were found in Chyna's neck, and "exploratory surgery" is necessary.

WALL BUCHANAN & GOODFATHER (with Steven Richards & Ivory) v. MOBILE'S CRASH & HARDCORE HOLLY (with Molly Holly) - Hardcore and Goodfather start - lockup, side headlock by Goodfather, powered out into the ropes, shoulderbock by Goodfather. Up and over, leapfrog by Holly, drop toehold, elbowdrop. Taken to Crash, tag, into the ropes, double leaping shoulderblock, 2 for Crash. Right, into the ropes, reversed, shoulderblock by Goodfather, tag to Buchanan, into the ropes, gutshot by Goodfather, foot to the face by Buchanan. Crash put in the corner, right, left, right, scoop...over the shoulder powerslam. Buchanan with the "will he won't he" no hands step to the top - and crossbody down. Wave to the crowd! Tag to Goodfather, into the ropes, double shoulderblock. Goodfather kicks, into the ropes, head down, kick by crash, right, right, right, but Goodfather puts up the back elbow to stop him. Right hand to the face. Irish whip into the opposite corner...warming up for the Censor Train...but Crash is out of the way! Tag to Buchanan - HOT TAG TO HOLLY! Avoiding the charge, right, right, into the ropes, reversal, but Holly hits the forearm! (Not the steel one, though) Does he still have that? Into the ropes, back body drop. Free right hand for Goodfather to put him on the floor. Patented crotch kick for Buchanan - Crash stops Goodfather from surprising Holly by leaping off the top with a double axehandle, then a pescado onto the floor! Richards on the apron - Holly with a right for *him*. But he turns around into a Buchanan gutshot and DDT. 1, 2, kickout. Crash and Goodfather brawling on the outside, Richards on the apron AGAIN, this time drawing the complete attention of referee "Blind" Chad Patton so Ivory can come in...but she ends up clocking *Buchanan*! Best Dropkick in the Business...hooks the leg...1, 2, 3!! (3:30) Ivory is *aghast.*

Triple H is WALKING! Harvey Wippleman catches up to him and tells him he's wanted right away in Mr. McMahon's office. So off he goes...

Next week, they take it to the Xtreme! That's right - THIRTY MINUTES OF ADS WITH A RUFUS SOUNDTRACK IN A ROW

Chyna will guest on "Gary & Mike" tomorrow - have you heard?

While in New York, our guests enjoy this fine view of WWF New York

Earlier Tonight, nothing was settled between Rikishi and Undertaker - funny, if Rikishi had *let* the No Holds Barred stip go, there wouldn't have been a DQ if Haku came out...oh, wait, maybe that was retroactive storyline fixing to keep me from bitching about continuity. Eh. Who can say. I'm just trying to get through this show here! This sure is a long patch of clips, isn't it? Weren't these people here at the beginning of the show? I mean, it's not like "Survivor" was on. Err, was it? (No, that's next week.) Yeah, see what I mean? Anyway, can we PLEASE move on now? No?

Earlier Tonight, McMahon fired his chauffer for the night, then said some stuff. I've had just about enough of this - FUHFUHWID

Angle limbers up, grabs his title...and now he's WALKING!

Triple H catches up to McMahon. "What do you want?" "What do you mean, what do I want?" Well, it turns out that Vince *didn't* send Harvey. They each look at the door marked Mr. McMahon...and back to each other. H mouths "Austin." So they make up some idle chatter to mask their hunt for Austin inside the office. Behind this screen? Nope. How 'bout that other one? Nope. Turns out he was behind the front door, and hidden after they opened it. "Austin is driving me insane!" "Maybe he's under the sofa, Mr. Paranoid!" H *finally* spies him and swings his cookie sheet...getting Vince by mistake. Austin pounces...it's punches and kicks aplenty for The Game - topped off with Austin breaking a lamp over his head! "Dumb son of a (beep)!" Austin surveys his work...and leaves. But not before hitting the wall switch. "Lights out!"

Edge & Christian shill Stacker 2. Again.

The Hardyz have seconds on the ravioli.

RUFUS & CHAKA KHAN ARE STALKING ME

You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!

The XFL lands in 9 days!

Look! KEN "SNAKE" STABLER in the front row! He played in some *other* football league!

Moments Ago, seven paragraphs ago

WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: KING KURT ANGLE (with Weider Results presents WWF No Way Out!) v. KANE - Champion enters first because he's a heel...tonight, anyway. Oh, no, because he's got something to say. Gotcha. "Kane, I respect your abilities. And I know you were a former WWF Champion...for about twelve seconds. But if you think I'm afraid of you...if you think you're gonna take this title tonight, then your brain is even more scarred than your face. And that's not a knock on burn victims because I have a lot of fans in hospitals, trauma centres throughout the whole entire world. And unlike you, Kane, my fans are strong, courageous, and they're not afraid to show their faces in public. So what I'm trying to say is, why don't you come on out here and try to take this--" I smell an edit, but nonetheless the pyro hits and out he comes. Hey, Angle's gonna meet him out on the ramp! Kane puts up the boot - ahh, Angle drops the belt - NOW I see what he had planned. Kane with a right, right, head to the STEEL steps, once again, and one more. Hey, hot about one more? Perhaps one MORE bounce of the head off the STEEL steps. Yikes. Uppercut. Right. Rolled into the ring, and the bell sounds. Positioned for an elbow to the throat. One more. Angle rolls in, and Kane comes in the ring. Right, right, Angle hits the canvas every time. Got him in the choke...but Angle grabs the ropes as if his life depended on it...and you know...it just might. Kane puts the boot in the face, taking Angle over the top to the floor. Taker watches on the Magic Window...but the 2001 Islanders surprise him with a doubleteam! Taker taken into a garage door - Rikishi with a fatass splash to top it. "Next time...you mind...your own damn business!" Back to the ring and both men are on the outside. Kane with...hmm, looks like he picked him up and put him down without doing anything. I dunno. THIS time he hits the barricade on the way down. Everybody back in the ring, Angle ducks a clothesline, but scooped up on the shoulder...and powerslammed down. Put in the corner, Kane with a kick, right hand, into the opposite corner, but Angle gets a back elbow up...but runs into ANOTHER scoop...this time he manages to land on his feet - Kane with a back elbow to put him back to the corner - Angle gets the boot up, though - Angle on the second turnbuckle - THAT'S RODNEY'S "HIGH SOCIETY!!!!" (Don't be smart, call it the Buff Blockbuster) No. Anyway, Kane pops right up (damn), but Angle delivers a gutshot and DDT. Kane with another zombie situp! Angle with a clothesline - Kane rises. Kane with a forearm in the back, another, Kane with a right, right, Angle kicks the back of the leg, again, forearm to the back, front facelock...Kane muscles him to the corner - and rams him into the corner again. Angle still holds the facelock, so Kane shoves him AGAIN. This breaks it. Into the ropes, big back body drop by Kane. Kane off the ropes, but the elbowdrop misses. Kane catches the kick...and the enzuigiri. STILL on his feet. Angle pounding away on the back of the head - still Kane stays on his feet. Angle moves to another headlock....Kane slowly lowers. One knee...now lying on the mat. Kane tries to fight back...commentators say the crowd is rallying Kane, but I can't hear it. Maybe their ears are more sensitive. Kane back to his feet...and tossing Angle facefirst off of him! Angle with a drop toehold to stop Kane. Angle outside for a chair...back in, but Kane puts up the boot to stop the chair, also hitting him in the head. Pressed high...and dropped into a gutbuster! Kane puts Angle in the corner, and Angle walks out...into a sidewalk slam. How many moves does Kane know? Angle's head down, Kane slams it backwards to the mat. Kane's gonna fly - Angle staggers up - Kane with the flying clothesline! Well now, here come the ISLANDERS 2001 - Kane with a right to Haku to put him down, Rikishi dragged in, right, right, right, clothesline, Haku has the chair, WHACK! WHACK! HAKUKICK! Of course, referee "Blind" Earl Hebner was busy attending to Rikishi and missed all that. But he *did* see Angle hook the leg... 1, 2, 3! (6:30) Rikishi and Haku hit the ring to work over Kane. SQUAAAAAAASH. Headbutt by Haku, *another* dropped headbutt. Another SQUAH, and another headbutt! THE GHOST RIDER managed to make it back, soupbones for each man, but the numbers...well...have the numbers. Taker goes down in the corner...they pull him out - DOUBLE HEADBUTT! Don't tell me....BAN! ZAI! DRAWWWWWWWWP! Haku drops *another* headbutt to Taker, and gets back to stomping. Rikishi goes ahead and SQUASHes him one more time. Wow, how could Haku make Rikishi so cool? Leaving the Fun Brothers laying is a DAMN fine start...