Hmm......maybe you should have written the Torch.

XFL: I don't know *anything* about *anybody* on *any team* this league, and you want me to make PICKS? You can't even pry RAW and Nitro ratings out of me - you really think I'll make XFL PICKS? Yeah, I'm SURE I'll regret not getting in on the ground floor...but not enough to lose sleep over it. Ha ha.

KINGS UPDATE: Hey, still in first even without me paying close attention! 30-12, 1GB but six percentage points ahead of the Blazers - and the second best win/loss percentage in the league behind the Sixers.

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS: I hope you caught that A&E show last night - a true testament to the lag time between production and airing. Russo was there - in fine form as usual...dig him talking about how the Miss Hancock pregnancy angle will bring in the female viewers. Looking at all the women on the very DAY that word leaked out about their cuts, and thinking "oh, Paisley, if you only knew what's to come - you probably wouldn't be spending all that time taking bumps."

If I haven't told you by now, I'll be at the WOW PPV Sunday in some sort of "media" capacity - what exactly that means is still a little unclear, but I've borrowed a MiniDisc recorder for some interviews and I think I'll be able to take some photos for WrestleLine as well. If you're 'round and not currently running wow-fan.com (wink wink), gimme a holler. I'll try to have something filed Sunday night for publishing Monday morning, but we'll just have to see how late we go. (You're just trying to set up another set of excuses for another week of late RAW and Nitro reports, aren't you?) No no, I'm sure I'll be good to go with the reports next week. (Aren't you coming off pneumonia and bronchitis?) Well, yeah...but.....but.... (Shouldn't you be sleeping NOW, in fact?) Hey, if YOU'RE well enough to get on my case, I should think I'M all right for now...

Ah, hell, let's knock out this thing and worry about getting that SCAIA RULES sign on TV later...

It's UPN! And it's Thursday! That makes it UPN Thursday!

One World Leader Attitude - TV-PG-DLV - WWF!

You know, I think I've seen this highlight package before. Showing repeats so I can hit the FFWD past three minutes is XTREME!

You know what...this is LAST week's show. I have the wrong tape in the VCR. Sorry...lemme fix that.

Ah, of course. It's not UPN Thursday - it's EXTREME FEBRUARY UPN THURSDAY

TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Opening Credits (with lotsa red X's) - close captioned logo (with no red X)

XTREME PYRO! XTREME FANS! GET XTREME WITH XTREME...XTREMENESS! From the Xtreme Nationwide Arena in Columbus, OH (which isn't particularly xtreme) 1.2.1 (but taped 30.1.1) and transmitido en xtremo espanol SAP on XUPN (which, I believe, is the San Diego UPN affiliate - hey Aaron) and The Score up north, THIS is WWF SmackDown! XTREME!

TONIGHT: The WWF Championship is on the line as Kurt Angle meets the Rock! Don't forget that first blood match to come! But first...

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: HARDY BOYZ v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ in a table match - The window at the end of the Time Tunnel has the big red X...and so does the chyro I'm sensing that these are XTREME GRAPHICS. Brawl starts, Matt dumps D-Von and gets Buh Buh Ray in the back. Into the corner, Poetry in motion, clothesline takedown by Matt - D-Von in to bowl *both* Hardyz over. Into the ropes, two heads down - Buh Buh Ray kicked, D-Von whipped, but he holds on - Buh Buh Ray surprises Jeff and they hit the big double neckbreaker. Matt tries to punch Buh Buh Ray, but he reverses a whip into the ropes, slam, "wassup" - apparently an XTREME "wassup" (doesn't look much different to me). Testify dance, D-Von, smell my navel. Table is slid into the ring and this might be a short one - no, Matt has D-Von on the outside, forearm, into the STEEL steps, right, right, meanwhile Jeff hasn't moved, so Buh Buh Ray moves him - laying him on the table...Buh Buh Ray on the second rope but Matt grabs the ankles...and Jeff pops up to hit him in the nuts. Jeff up top for the Frankensteiner, but D-Von moves the table (which probably wouldn't have been near their landing anyway, but...) Matt in the ring, shots for D-Von, repositions the table - D-Von back up, right, into the ropes, double flapjack misses the table as Jeff moves it. Dropkick for Buh Buh Ray puts him outside. D-Von on him, whip is reversed, Jeff takes him down to the mat. Table moved again - D-Von on the table - Jeff on top...but Buh Buh Ray crotches him. Buh Buh Ray shoves D-Von off the table and climbs the corner to superplex Hardy....Matt, from the opposite corner, double legdrops the table, breaking it before Dudley can superplex him through the table. Matt outside - got a ladder - runs into Buh Buh Ray - runs into D-Von. Matt has D-Von on the aisle...whip into the ladder! Jeff's back up and out - stomp for Buh Buh Ray on his way. The Hardyz set up another table on the floor....and a second next to it. Back to D-Von - Matt puts him on a table and throws some rights to keep him there. Now the *ladder* is being set up between the ring and the tables. Matt is up top...Buh Buh Ray behind them in the ring - knockdown for Jeff, and grabbing Matt. D-Von climbs the opposite side of the ladder while Buh Buh Ray occupies Matt...Matt and D-Von trading rights...in the ring, Jeff is running at Buh Buh Ray, who dumps him overhead and into the ladder, sending Matt and D-Von flying - and MISSING the table! That was SICK. Back inside - BIG back body drop for Jeff by Buh Buh Ray. Jeff rolls out and Buh Buh follows. Weider brings the Double Feature of the hundred feet high backdrop. Jeff and Buh Buh Ray are alongside the stage - into the barricade - Buh Buh Ray spies some tables in the production area and gets a funny look...but Jeff fires back. Maybe he should have waited on that trance. Back up the stage we go - right for you, right for me. They're at the Time Tunnel now, and back to throwing rights - Buh Buh Ray tries to run Hardy off the stage but Jeff catches himself and stops the momentum. Right for Dudley, right, uppernut, motioning to the crowd, but Buh Buh Ray slips under the whatever (another right?), applies the full nelson and takes Hardy off the stage through both tables into the Buh Buh Bomb! Both men went through, but that's apparently a "champs retain" situation right there. (7:26) Eh...that was *kinda* XTREME. Matt and D-Von *still* haven't moved from their sick SPLAT. And we still haven't gotten a look at them. Instead, we watch Buh Buh Ray and Jeff writhe in pain. Here's your replay...and here's another angle. And one more angle. Now let's check the Eyevision. What, not *this* sweeps month? I thought this WWF was cutting edge!

Steve Austin is drinking beer! Because *drinking beer* is XTREME!

Chyna shills Stacker 2 - it doesn't do much for your neck...unless your neck is all fat and it needs some burning

Moments Ago - three XTREME paragraphs ago

All four men are getting medical help backstage - Lita arrives to tell them how crazy they are. Matt: "Lita, Lita - look, we're big boys, we can take care of ourselves...just go worry about winning the women's championship. We're okay - just worry about yourself."

Steve Austin is *still* intently watching a monitor (and drinking beer)

This is the sort of video clip package that usually opens the show...so don't be *too* confused that they waited sixteen minutes to show it - you see, that is the XTREME way to handle RAW highlights

Steve Austin watched that, too - ooh, he threw a beer at the wall! Now he's heading somewhere else! XTREME!

WWF WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP - LITA DOT COM (with SmackDown! is brought to you by Weider Muscle Builder, Chef Boyardee Overstuff Ravioli, and Sega.net) v. JACQUELINE DOT COM v. IVORY TO CENSOR - Jackie and Lita decide to slide out of the ring together and attack the champ - but she slides in at the same time. Everybody in - furious pummelling unleashed...and double suplex. Hardy-esque elbowdrop/double legdrop combo. Jackie turns on Lita here - right, right, crowd chants "Lita." Gutshot for Ivory, right, knee, scoop...and a slam. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, Ivory kicks out as Lita pulls Jacqueline off. Lita stomping on Jackie in the corner - Ivory over, gutshot for Lita, into the ropes, trying the sidewalk slam, but Lita turns it into a 'rana for 2 - Jackie saves. Jackie with a right for Lita, into the ropes, Lita with a flying clothesline. Gutshot for Ivory - Twist of Fate...Jackie starts stomping on Lita while Ivory rolls outside. Into the ropes, sidewalk slam by Jackie - 1, 2, kickout! Jackie with a right - Lita into the ropes, but she goes up and over, gutshot for Jackie, side Russian legsweep, and THE SHIRT COMES OFF SQUEEEEEEEEEAL - moonsault HITS - but Ivory breaks it at 2. Lita tossed through the ropes to the floor - covering Jackie - 1, 2, 3. (2:13 DC) Replay of Lita's shirt coming off - the moonsault - and Ivory pulling Lita out by her bra.

Triple H and Stephanie are in a good mood...until hitting their office. "Hunter, what is this? It reeks of beer in here." Oh, I get it - Austin was in the Helmsley dressing room all along! H slaps away the can pyramid - there's a flush in their bathroom. Austin steps out. "Hey Triple H, Hey Steph, what's going on?" Austin says he isn't trying to antagonise him - it's like he has a forcefield around him and he can't touch him. Also, he used the facilities. "You used MY bathroom?" I hope you can properly imagine Stephanie's HIDEOUSLY melodramatic overacting here. "Yeah, but it's okay, 'cause I wiped the rim for my protection, and it stopped up and it's kinda leakin' everywhere....but when I get around to it, I'm gonna send you guys a plumber, 'cause I'm real busy, but I'll see what I can do for you probably wanna use the bathroom before the night's over. I'll see ya round, okay? It was good seein' ya again!" H growls and tosses something else.

The Hardyz rip it to the extreme and maximize their asses with Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli

WWF: The Music (Volume 5) ad - available EVERYWHERE 20 February

And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, presented by Dynamic Muscle Builder from Weider Sports Nutrition! From RAW, Kai En Tai get a title shot thanks to Edge & Christian....but lose.

EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. ? - We are told that a challenge was issued - an XTREME challenge. "You'll have to forgive us if we're not in the best of moods today...because we showed up at the arena today only to find out that we've been put in one of the toughest matches of our career. And I know this is SmackDown! Xtreme and everything, but come on, this is ridiculous!" "It's okay, Christian, be strong. First of all, we'd like to thank you for that rousing ovation. Unfortunately, it could be the last one we ever hear. Because tonight, we face the biggest test of our lives - so we hereby accept the challenge of (laughs) KAI EN TAI!" Yes, we *did* all see that coming. But, you see, that's what makes it so XTREME! "Fools! Your interference in our match last Monday night has incurred our wrath. Normally, you would face the consequences, but lucky for you, Funaki has developed a rash that is most painful and will keep him out of action." "InDEED!" "Therefore, because we are evil, we shall introduce you to your NEW opponents! Prepare - to - DIE - ahahahahahahaha!"

EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. ACOLYTES - Pier Four Brawl to start - Edge gets taken out and Faarooq follows - Christian eats a clothesline - right, knee, forearm to the back, side suplex - 2. Edge climbing up - Bradshaw punches HIM down, but Christian sneaks in a dropkick...and a tag. Right, right, into the ropes, reversed, head down, right by Edge, off the ropes into Bradshaw's big boot - elbowdrop - cover - Christian in, Faarooq in, referee "Blind" Jim Korderas immediately hones in on Faarooq like a laser. Doubleteam - whip into the corner, boosted crossbody by Christian is caught...and there's a fallaway slam. Edge climbs to the top again - the dropkick hits this time. Stomp, right, right, standing dropkick, tag to Christian. Right, right, right, Bradshaw with a right, trying to punch out of the corner, but Christian rakes the face. Edge sneaks in a choke. Tag, more doubleteaming. Edge with a right, right, right, Korderas warns him, and Bradshaw gets up the boot. Bradshaw with the shoulderblock. Both men are down and Kaientai lead the cheers. Tag to Christian, HOT TAG to Faarooq! Clothesline, right, right for Edge, Christian into the ropes, powerslam, 1, 2, Edge saves. All four men in now - Bradshaw takes Edge outside and follows (and the ref goes with them). Faarooq going for the Dominator but Christian breaks free (leaving a lock of his hair on Faarooq's head) - uppernut...and DDT. Edge has two chairs and passes one to his partner. Taka on the apron, desperately trying to help 'em out, but Korderas keeps him outside. Funaki sneaks in, shoving Faarooq away and taking the Conchairto himself! Edge outside and the chase is on....but he doesn't catch Taka; instead, he catches a Hades lariat right in the mush. Meanwhile, Faarooq avoids Christian's chair swing by giving him the spinebuster - 1, 2, 3. (3:39) Commentators say Faarooq scalped Christian. Replay of Funaki taking one for the team...Edge taking the Clothesline from Hell...and Christian taking the with authority spinebuster.

Backstage, Vince is ranting to the road agents. "I, I don't care. Please, just shut up. You've gotta understand, I've got problems OF MY OWN, OKAY? I've got pressures of my own! I got an XFL kickoff this Saturday night! I got SmackDown! out there! I don't wanna hear from your problems - I got problems of my own." Regal interrupts to tell Vince he has a very important phone call. Vince says unless it's Ebersol from NBC, he aint' takin' it. "It's more of a person nature...it's..." and he whispers in Vince's ear. Vince's demeanor changes and he tells them he'll be right back.

XFL hype - Saturday at 5 on NBC and Sunday at 1 on UPN. Hmmm, guess I'll have to tape it.

You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!

Extreme February ad - the Rock wants to get it on

The Demons kickoff special is Saturday at 8! I'll be taping THAT, too...

Sure is rainy outside. Better wear a BLUE JACKET! Hoo hoo hoo ho ho hee hee hee ha

Vince talks on the phone - the person on the other end has a surprise for him - they're here - HERE in Columbus, Ohio

Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL XTREME KING COLE & JERRY XTREME LAWLER - they plug Chyna...err....they hype Chyna's recent appearances in support of her biography.

Courtesy NBC Studios, here are clips from Chyna's appearance on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien."

JONATHAN COACHMAN stands with Billy Gunn, who talks about Chyna's recent hectic schedule. Big Show walks up and says "Entertainment Tonight, Extra, Good Morning America - who really gives a crap, man I'm sick of hearing about Chyna!" Gunn tells him to wait his turn - Show says he'll take it now and throws him against a nearby door. THEN he envelopes Coach's head in his hands. "And you - first of all, I've been gone for six months - I come back, since the Royal Rumble, when have you asked ME any questions? When are you gonna ask me 'Show, what's going on inside your head?' Well, you wanna know what's going on inside my head, Coach? The Big Show's back in town, and that's bad, bad news for everybody....except......ME." Show shoves him down...I think that's Coach's first big bump! XTREME!

Meanwhile, inside a bubble bath, surrounded by candles, strawberries and Martinelli, Trish Stratus talks on the phone. "Well now would be a perfect time! Because I just slipped into something uncomfortable - mm hmmm - I'm in a big, hot tub. Mmmm hmm, of course it's wet in here. (Laughs) I want you to come! I want you to come down here right now - come on, there's plenty of room. Well, you know what they say....you wash my back, and I'll wash yours. (laughs) That's what I thought. Good. I'll see you soon - bye." Trish eats whipped cream with one finger. Now *that's* XTREME!

Demons kickoff is coming Saturday!

Triple H gets ancy. Stephanie - is she reading cue cards or what? She's gonna go talk to her dad...he needs to stay there and focus.

WWF INTERCHRISINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO v. ? - That's either a new belt or Jericho has some KILLER belt shine. "So the word of the night is Xtreme. Well, considering that I've been in steel cage matches, Last Man Standing matches...and hell, even one of the most brutal and violent ladder matches in WWF history, I would sasy Y2J knows Xtreme. So it's only apropos that tonight I am issuing an open Xtreme challenge for *this* intercontinental championship, right here, right now, on SmackDown! But who will accept? Will it be Albert, with his Xtremely huge cranium? Or will it be Chris Benoit, with his Xtremely brutal gap in his teeth? Or will it be Triple H, with his Xtremely large schnozzola..." The music hits and we soon learn together...it's TAZZZZZZZZ. "You know, Jericho, there's no doubt that you're an Xtremely funny guy. But you see, tonight ain't about fun. And compared to Tazz, you know NOTHING about being 'Xtreme.' So I'll tell you what...I'll take the challenge - I'll take yer title. Hell, Jericho, I'll take you and you will be...just - another - victim!" Lockup, round and round we go - to a corner...referee "Blind" Tim White manages a clean break from Jericho. Back to the centre, "Y2J" chant, lockup, side headlock attempted by Jericho, powered out, shoulderblock by Jericho. Off the ropes, up and over, slides under Tazz' kick - chop by Jericho puts him down. Doing for an armbar, but Tazz turns it around, to a headlock, Jericho reverses to a headlock, Tazz knees, gutshot, trying a suplex but Jericho backflips out, forearm, chop, into the ... no, Tazz holds on - head and arm Tazzplex! Running clothesline puts Jericho over the top rope to the floor. Tazz out after him - forearm in the back, whip into the barricade is reversed and Tazz hits hard. Jericho running at him but Tazz dumps HIM onto the barricade! Into the commentary table! Tazz yelling "You're looking at the next IC champ" at Cole, but Jericho elbows him away, elbow, Tazz pokes the eye. Right hand. Jericho rolled in under the bottom rope, Tazz back in, stomp, T-bone Tazzplex, "ECW" chant. What is ECW? Right hand, snapmare, right to the back of the head, going to a headlock. "Y2J" chant fires up - elbow, elbow, hold broken, elbow, chop, Tazz back to the face, Jericho chops, into the ropes is reversed, but Jericho drops down and rolls him up for 2! Clothesline by Tazz. Jericho put in the corner, catching the boot...Jericho hits the enzuigiri. Weider brings the Double Feature of Tazz' clothesline. Huh. Jericho with a right, into the ropes, big hiplock, off the ropes with the flying jalapeno - 1, kickout at 2. Right by Jericho, chop, into the ropes is reversed, head down, kick by Jericho - Tazz ducks the next one off the ropes and clamps on the Tazzmission!! Jericho's trick knee has to act up to break it. Jericho with the bulldog, the Lionsault, and the pin. (4:26)

Outside, Vince yells at his chauffer to open the door for him. "Hey! Wake up, dammit, open the door! Where's my driver??" Vince opens the door himself and loads up the luggage. "Dad! Where are you going?" Vince says something important's come up. Stephanie remarks that Vince has never left in the middle of a show (a lie), and Vince says this is important t him...but he'll be back later. Stephanie asks Vince to put Triple H in the WWF Championship match tonight. After confirming that Austin won't be involved, he okays it - now he's off...behind the steering wheel, yet! "Something's come up - or it's about to." Vince starts the motor and burns some rubber on his way out. Stephanie reacts with...confusion. And nipply chill.

You're watching UPN!

The WWF Fanatic Series presentation for February is "Austin vs. McMahon." I've managed to miss every one of these since the first one (the Rock), so we'll see if I can catch this one or not.

ERNEST MILLER (and the TV-14-DLV ratings box) are out - let's ponder together how long it's been since a non-TV-PG hour of SmackDown! - but not for too long, because that's an attractive top Kat's wearing - or not wearing. "You know, everyone's making such a big deal about SmackDown! Xtreme. We've got First Blood matches, we've got table matches, but you know, there are other ways of taking things to the limit. There are other ways to be Xtreme. Other ways that can be just as exciting...just as hardcore...and just as exhilirating. And that's where I come in. Because everyone knows there isn't anything I wouldn't do to get a rise out of the fans...it just so happens that I excel and take great pleasure in it. I *know* what turns men on. And I know what men want to see. And seeing as how tonight is about being Xtreme, I plan on taking Xtreme to a whole new level. I plan on giving you and everyone at home exactly what you're dyin' for - FULL FRONTAL NUDITY. Hit the music!" Where's the Right to Censor already? I'm SURE that was their cue - anyway, there's one shoe...and another. The pants come off - Lawler reminds us she doesn't wear underwear....except now, I guess. Reaching for the bra - well *there* are the RIGHT TO CENSOR, complete with "NO" robe. "GET HER OUTTA HERE! OUT OF HERE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!" Richards is so angry he actually has to LOOSEN HIS TIE! "What is wrong with you?! There are children in this audience! I used to blame the World Wrestling Federation for its depraved behaviour, but no longer will I let all of you hide behind your ignorance! Don't you people realise that we're only trying to help you?! The Right to Censor blames each and every ONE OF YOU! Well...." "You suck!" chant. "Well, my good people...if you want Xtreme...we will show you Xtreme. And it will be...for your own good." Richards works up a top button unbuttoned laugh...and heads back.

Our hosts segue to Tough Enough hype. And crappy, crappy videos. I'd *almost* rather watch XFL hype than this.

KEVIN "XTREME NAILZ" KELLY stands in the awesome power of the Rock, and asks for comment on his title match being made into a Triple Threat match. "Rock E!" "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Columbus! You know, the Rock has seen the show tonight, he knows what's goin' on. Triple H, you hit the jackpot when you married Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. You pulled the handle, got a joker's wild...on fastest, loosest (beep) machine the world has ever seen! So Triple H, just like that, you got yourself a title shot - an UNEARNED title shot - the Rock's title shot. Well let the Rock clue you in on something - for the past two years, the Rock has been the main event at WrestleMania. In order to do that again, the Rock has gotta win the WWF Championship and that's *exactly* what the Rock's gonna do. So Triple H, don't worry, 'cause the Rock will take care of you in the ring, just like he ALWAYS takes care of you in the ring. And as far as for you, Kurt Angle, the Rock says he wants you to go down to the local arcade, get in one of those little picture booths, take as many pictures as you can with your WWF title. Tape 'em all together, tie 'em around your waist like a little belt, because after the Rock takes your WWF title, you're gonna need something to hold up your pants so they don't expose that pimply, pale hemorrhoid - don't get excited, the Rock said 'hemorrhoid,' not 'hermaphrodite' - that pimply, pale hemorrhoided all-American candyass!" "Rock E!" "Kurt Angle, Triple H, the Rock says just bring it. Just...bring it. IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL what the Rock is cookin'!"

XFL Premieres hype

Triple H shills Weider Dynamic Get the Chickser

Good God, TWO "Breakin' 2001" ads in ONE break

"Chyna: If They Only Knew" ad

In a locker room Steve Austin drinks a beer, then shakes up two other beers. Oh oh, I bet he's set to do something XTREME

WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with Earlier Tonight) v. THA 1 BILLY GUNN - Gunn hits the ring, slides through Show's legs, right, right, right, tries a whip but Show pulls him to the corner instead, well it's a big elbow, into the opposite corner, Gunn gets the boot up. Gunn off the ropes...into a mule kick. Well it's a big elbowdrop. Pulls him up with one claw - into the ropes, Gunn ducks and hits a dropkick, right, right, right, right, off the ropes and into a belly-to-belly suplex (Cole: "What a slam") from the Show. Show palms him back to his feet - shoved to the corner. Show stands back to front and unleashes back elbow after back elbow. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long finally convinces him to step away from the ring...and Gunn falls. Well it's a big field goal kick. Well it's a second one. Got him by the heart..and dropping him down again. Going for two...that's deceptive how they make it look like he's just got a FLESH MAGNET in his hand. Standing on the sternum - ow. Well it's a big elbow taking Gunn down. Well it's a big headbutt. Well it's a big knee. Well it's a big right. Gunn pulls himself up again - well it's a big right to put him down again. Well it's a big headbutt. (Don't you usually say "I would describe the pace of this match as 'deliberate'" here?) Why yes...yes, I do. Well it's a big scoop.....and a slam. Pulls him up by the hair again - well it's a big right. Well it's a big scoop onto the shoulder...Gunn throwing rights to try to stay in it...clawing at the face - Show drops him - Gunn off the ropes...and caught in a sidewalk slam. Well it's a big elbowdrop...MISSES! Gunn up first - bulldog - 1, 2, kickout - with authority. Signalling for the Fame'Asser...but Show catches him in the choke. ahhhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. 1, 2, 3. And they said the standard garden variety "WWF Wrestling Challenge" SQUASH was dead! (5:04)

There's a knock at the Helmsleys' door - Hunter is dumb enough to say "come in." It's Austin with the two beers. "Triple H! Hey Steph. Hey, hey, no hard feelings man, I'm sorry about cloggin' up the crapper earlier, you know, no big deal, I know you got a championship match, I just wanted to come in here, wish you good luck, maybe drink a beer with you. You don't want the beer. Well you don't mind if I drink a beer. Okay? I mean, I don't drinkin' beer if you got the match..." And he opens it all over him. "(beep)!" "Man, I - I'm just gonna leave, you got a big match, man, I ain't no good today. So long, Triple H!" H makes halting growls and heads for the bathroom.

Rock wants to GET IT ON! This is EXTREME FEBRUARY!

WWF: The Music (Volume 5) ad

WWF Shop Zone Dot Com ad

LILIAN GARCIA stands with Kurt Angle and asks for reaction to the Triple Threat decision. "Oh, I was expecting it. I wasn't surprised at all. In fact, I thought, why stop there? Why not add the Big Show, or Chris Jericho, or the whole state of Nebraska for that matter? And don't you think a wrestling ring is a little old school, Lilian? Why not put the match in a shark tank, with real live sharks? Hungry sharks! And the only way to beat your opponent is to stuff him down a shark's throat, and pin the shark. Wouldn't that be a hoot? But the way I see it, nothing would surprise me. Because it's quite obvious that that the WWF, and its mostly ignorant fans, would stop at nothing to see me lose this title. But guess what, Lilian? When it's all over with, the Rock, the Brahma Bull, the Great One; and Triple H, the Game, will be leaving this arena just like the people who came to see them...depressed, disappointed, and most of all losers, and that is true."

Our hosts fill a little more time by pumping up Kane's performance in the Royal Rumble.

Here's a Special Video Look at Kane's performance in the Royal Rumble

Kelly stands with Undertaker and Kane. Tonight they get the match they requested Monday: a First Blood match with the Island Boys. "You know, it's funny you'd mention Monday night, 'cause Monday night people seen a side of the Dead Man they ain't seen in a while, have they? It's a side most people don't want to see again. You know, I don't know if it was the taste of my own blood reminding me of something I used to be, or whether it was the simple fact Kane just flat out told me. He says 'man, you gotta get back to doing what you do best, and you know what that is? That's kickin' people's ass!' Well tonight, belileve me Kevin Kelly, it's on. Haku, Rikishi, it's First Blood, my island brothas. And you know what that means? It means no strategy, no holds, no pinfalls, uh uh. That don't mean a thing. It's all about the blood. And them two laying in a puddle of their own blood. Looking up at us, and realising that Kane and the Undertaker - they do run the yard." "Kane, why have you been siding with your brother?" "Because blood's thicker than water." "You know if I was you I wouldn't (beep) him off."

The Islanders are WALKING!

Jesse Ventura pimps the XFL. If he's so gung-ho about the XFL....how come he's wearing a WWF sweatshirt?

Commentators shill "Gary & Mike"

THE FUN BROTHERS v. THE ISLANDERS 2001 in First Blood - Undertaker and Rikishi provide the music for the entrances of their respective teams. Well, *technically* I suppose it's Limp Bizkit and Jim Johnston, but you know what I mean. Taker & Kane meet them out on the ramp and it's on - nothing fancy, just brawl around ringside. Haku, meet the STEEL steps. Rikishi becomes the pinball on the floor. Taker promptly appropriates a chair to open up somebody, but Haku recovers enough to get Kane from behind, so Taker drops the chair to help him out. Rikishi with an uppercut as he goes back for the chair - Taker's head hits the annouce table. Another uppercut, another table shot. Rolled in under the bottom rope - right by Rikishi, right, uppercut, bock, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, right by Rikishi, into the ropes, Taker ducks, flying clothesline takes Rikishi off his feet. Kane pounding Haku on the outsider. Old school - don't know how it helps him bleed, but that might be why I'm not a wrestler. Haku's head hits the announce table. Rikishi triple spin sells the clothesline from the Taker. They're outside now. Soupbone. Kand and Haku in the ring as Rikishi meets the STEEL steps - and again - no blood yet. "Damn!" says Undertaker - one more shove into the STEEL steps. Let's look inside - Kane with a clothesline to take him off his feet. Legdrop! Taker goes for another chair...Rikishi meets him with an uppercut. RIKISHIKICK! Haku manages to get an elbow up to stop Kane's charge. Now *Rikishi* has the chair - WHACK! But the back doesn't bleed, usually. Kane with a bodyslam...on the apron, and onto Rikishi with a double axehandle! Kane has the chair...winds up - but only gets the post. All four men outside the ring now - Haku from behind on Kane - HAKUKICK! Rikishi has the edge of the chair - into Taker's gut! Into Kane's gut! Haku kicks Kane - Rikishi gets the WHACK! But it doesn't open him up. Rikishi in the ring, where Kane and Haku have already set up in a corner. Haku with the hundred hands on Kane. Into the opposite corner, Rikishi warms it up while Haku goes outside - wedgies himself and hits the FAT ASS SPLASH on Kane! Haku going for the chair, but Taker meets him with a soupbone...and five more quick ones. WHACK! Rikishi going for the stinkface, but Kane hits the low blow (must have been watching his Rock tapes to scout that) - got him in the choke - chokeslam!! Taker tosses the STEEL steps inside the ring to Kane - Haku *is* bleeding but the ref hasn't see it. STEPS TO THE HEAD! Haku's chest is quickly getting covered in blood as well as his face. Kane stomps away on Rikishi. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda finally catches glimpse of the copious amount of blood on Haku (.7 Muta - or at least enough to keep us from getting a real GOOD shot of him on this show) and calls for the bell (6:09) - Rikishi is now busted open as well. Kane and Undertaker not done - STILL wailing away on Rikishi and Haku. More REFS come out...and get intimidated and chased away. Haku tries a headbutt - no effect - soupbones put him down. Rikishi and Kane trading blows...Kane rams him into the STEEL steps one more time! Haku & Kishi manage to roll out of the ring...why is Rikishi SMILING? Must be 'cause he only rates (.2 Muta) from your humble recapper. Both Kane and Taker set the turnbuckles alight... (replay of the chairshot to Haku...and the steps shot to Rikishi) ...AND make the "Power to the People" salute at the top of the ramp.

Kurt Angle is WALKING!

Meanwhile, the Helmsleys are WALKING!

Wonder what I'll say next?

Meanwhile, the Rock is WALKING!

I *knew* I'd say that.

WWF Home Video "Break Down the Walls" and "Kurt Angle: It's True It's True" ad

Chyna shills Stacker 2 - again

"XFL on UPN" bumper

Local ad hypes the Demons kickoff show...one more time

And now, Stacker 2 presents the WWF Burn of the Week! From RAW, the Rock earns a title shot in a Fatal 4-Way, which burns....which is a burn.....which...eh, I got nothin'

WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Can't Act & Weider Sports Nutrition presents No Way Out!) v. IF YA SMELL DOT COM v. KING KURT ANGLE - Rock and H don't wanna wait to start throwing right hands - so much for me getting happy about the champ getting the traditional last entrance. Angle runs to the ring to make sure nobody gets pinned, and Rock throws Angle over the top rope to the floor. Back to Triple H, ducks a swing, gutshot, DDT, 1, 2, kickout! Right for H, Angle back in, Rock blocks, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and Angle is back out again. Rock turns around - H with a gutshot - PEDIGREE! 1, 2, Angle pulls Rock out from under him - then pops him one, leaving him on the outside. Angle on the apron - H clotheslines him to the floor. Huh? I hear glass, here's STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN walking to ringside carrying a cooler. H focuses on Austin - Angle in from behind - OLYMPIC SLAM!! Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner has his eyes locked on the outside while making the count, so you *know* Rock saves just in time. Austin walks to the timekeeper's table and steals ring announcer TONY CHIMEL'S chair - Stephanie already having run around the ring to safer ground. Back to the ring - Rock with a right on Angle, into the ropes, Angle holds on and pulls him into a belly-to-belly suplex. Hooks the leg - 1, 2, no! Angle to his feet - kick, stomp, stomp, right hand, Rock with a right, right, right, Angle blocks, right, right, right, off the ropes, but into a variation of a hiptoss by the Rock - 1, 2, H breaks it up. Austin is drinking beer, got it. Back to the ring, please. Thanks. Right by H on Rock, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick. Front face...suplex. H goes outside...to the top...H salutes him with his beer - Rock up - right, right, and beals him in. That move NEVER works! Angle behind the Rock - block by Rock, right. Right for H. Into the corner, nope, swung around back to the first corner, and H flies up and over and to the floor! Angle ducks a swing from the Rock and hits a big death suplex on the Rock! Austin walking around...Stephanie runs around again. Austin stands over H...then lays a beer at his head. Austin back to his chair...and Stephanie running around the ring yet again. H swipes the beer away. In the ring Rock blocks, right, right, right, Angle rakes the face. Right hand by Angle, into the ropes, reversal, Angle tries a kick, Rock catches it, dragon screw legwhip into the sharpshooter...will Angle tap? Not with Triple H in this match! DDT (!) breaks it up. All three men are down. Austin strokes his beard and ponders many things. H drapes an arm over Rock - 1, 2, NO! H to his feet - nope, tripped back. Trying again to be first up - this time he makes it. Rock blocks the punch and hits a right, though. Right, right, whip is reversed, Rock ducks the clothesline, ducks again, but H hits the high knee. H trying God knows what, but Rock hooks his arm to try the Rock Bottom, but H shoves him off, ducks another clothesline and hits the hangman's neckbreaker. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO! Angle back up...overhand forearm to Triple H - right hand, right, right, H with the knee, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, head down, kick by Triple H - off the ropes - Angle catches him with the belly-to-belly! Angle gives Stephanie a look - should be looking behind him, as Rock is up - ROCK BOTTOM! But Hebner misses the hooked leg because Stephanie is up on the apron. Rock gets off the press and approaches Stephanie, who makes a bunch of faces - Rock grabs her hair...but Triple H is in from behind. Big right hand. Into the ropes, reversed, spinebuster by the Rock! He's ready for the People's Elbow...but Angle is up under him after the elbowpad throw - OLYMPIC SLAM!! Hebner is again occupied with Stephanie. 1, 2, KICKOUT!! Angle expresses his extreme displeasure at Hebner's inability to be in correct position. H from behind - right hand. Right. Irish whip into the corner is reversed, gutshot by Angle, going for the gutwrench but can't lift him - double leg by Triple H - Angle kicks him backwards...into Hebner. Angle with a right - into the ropes, head down, facebuster by Triple H. Gutshot, going for the Pedigree (and making sure to point to Austin first) but Angle has enough time to uppernut H. Small package - Austin rushes the ring and moves Hebner's hand for him in double time - 1, 2, 3! Kurt Angle has pinned Triple H TWICE in one week! (9:06) Austin heads up the ramp as Stephanie makes her one "mean" face. I bet she has a hand on her hip, too. We'll never know, though - credits are quickly up and we're out.

I don't know - it was a good, solid show and all, but I don't think XTREME was the way I'd describe it. On the other hand, it's gotta fit with the UPN sweeps month concept so whatcha gonna do? (More Blackman?) Oh yeah....this show needed just one more thing: More Blackman.

SEE YA AT THE FORUM!