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KINGS UPDATE: 32-16, 3GB - the Blazers won by 24 and I don't wanna talk about it - Can anyone tell me WHY did decide to take a perfectly fine, working, functioning page and crud it up with Java, kooky encoding, crappy fonts, and about 500% more load time as an end result? Idiots.

UPN celebrates Valentine's Week with "the Goddesses of Love." I think "goddess" must be a codeword for "fat chick." They promise an appearance from Crash later - so let's not talk about this until then

TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

LAST MONDAY: Go read the RAW report

Close captioned logo - and opening credits

BOOM BOOM BOOM POW MORE GODDESSES OF LOVE TO COME - coming to you from the historic Nassau Coliseum (I have been asked to stop spelling it "Colesium") in Uniondale, LI, NY and airing 15.2.1 on UPN (taped 13.2) transmitido en espanol SAP, and it's another long night on Long Island...

BILLIONAIRE VINCE starts us off. "One thing about me is, you know I love my life - I love sharing my life with all of you...not only do I share my life with all of you, quite frankly I also share my family with all of you. Not only that, I also share my wealth with all of you. But tonight, I'm gonna share with you a moment that's never been done before; tonight, I'm gonna share a special Valentine's Day moment with my wife, Linda. However, speaking of family members, allow me to introduce you to the man who earned the right to name the stipulation at his match at No Way Out. Allow me now to introduce you to the man who will face Stone Cold Steve Austin at No Way Out - he is my son-in-law - he is TRIPLE H." Do you suppose H ever thinks "this entrance is making me THIRSTY" while walking to ringside? "I got a question for ya - Stephanie - is Stephanie still angry with me?" "Is Stephanie still angry with you? Oh yeah, Stephanie is still angry with you. But that's not why we're out here, is it Vince? Let's talk about why we're out here. Let's talk about me...and Stone Cold Steve Austin. You know, I've been thinking about this now for quite a while. How could I come up with a match that would encompass all the emotion between Austin and myself? I mean, that emotion runs on a lotta different levels for both of us - the hatred runs deep - the competition runs deep. But I think I've figured out a way that I can work all of this out. You know, on one hand I would like nothing better than to just get in the ring with Austin one on one, man on man, just me and him, and just prove to him once and for all that I am better than he is - just to defeat Stone Cold Steve Austin. On the other hand, I would like nothing better than to beat the living hell out of Stone Cold Steve Austin, to bloody his (beep) and to finish him once and for all. So I thought about it, and I think I've come up with a pretty good solution. And, since the stipulation is mine to make, this is the way it's gonna be. Two outta three falls, Austin - but unlike any other two-out-of-three falls match you've ever been in or heard of. You see Austin, the first fall will be about pride. The first fall will be you and me, Austin, one on one, man on man, just you, me and a referee - no excuses...just me and you. Austin, in the first fall, straight up, I will break your spirit by defeating you. After I break your spirit, Austin, we go... ["We want Austin!"] Yeah, and you can bet your (beep) I want Austin, too, and this is what it's all about. First fall, Austin, I break your spirit; second fall, I break your bones. You see, Austin, second fall: street fight. No disqualification, no rules - anything goes. The object: beat the living hell out of the other man. Now some of you might be thinking 'Triple H, that's not very smart. Austin's pretty tough. Austin can brawl with the best of 'em.' Well let me remind you just who the hell I am. I am the man that a little over one year ago DESTROYED the king of the death match! I am the man that one year ago DESTROYED the hardcore legend. I am the man that DESTROYED the almighty Cactus Jack! Because I am the man that, in a street fight, destroyed, beat, and retired your very own Mick Foley! Now I'm not discredting Austin at all, because I know better than anybody that Austin is one tough son of a (beep) - and Austin can go with the best of 'em. So just in case, Austin, somehow you would get lucky enough to squeak through one of those first two falls, the third fall will truly be No Way Out. Austin, what is left of the two of us will stand In This Very Ring as they lower around us a steel cage. And Austin, inside that cage, we will FINISH the game! Austin, inside that steel cage, I will destroy you, I will beat you, it will be done, and Austin, you will be FINISHED. Two men will enter, and only one will leave, and that man will be, without a shadow of a doubt, the BEST. Austin, ten days. And for you, there truly is No Way Out." "And to test the mettle of the wrestling skill of Stone Cold Steve Austin here tonight, In This Very Ring, Austin will go one on one with a man who claims to be the best damn technical wrestler in the WWF today, Chris Benoit. And by the way, to show his appreciation so that you don't believe in any way that my son-in-law is an ingrate, to show his appreciation for what the Rock did for him last Monday on RAW, here In This Ring tonight, Triple H has demanded, and in fact it will happen, Triple H goes one on one with...the Rock. Oh yeah, you can applaud now, but let me show you what's gonna happen after the end of the match tonight, as well as at the end of the match at No Way Out - the very same thing will happen." Vince raises H's arm - and on cue, the music hits. Austin/Benoit and Rock/Triple H - hmmm, must be sweeps month.

Let Us Take You Back to Yesterday in Greenwich, CT, where a motionless Linda McMahone stared off into nothingness...I'll bet you can't WAIT for Vince's Valentine's Day!

Chyna shills Stacker 2

Kurt Angle shills SmackDown! 2: Know Your Role

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands outside awaiting Steve Austin's arrival. Would you say he's a goddess of love?

EDGE (with Christian...and Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. KANE (by his damn self...oops, with Ghost Rider after a long, long entrance) in a four letter words match - as if I hadn't already blown the particulars, this match doesn't strat until THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ make an entrance and set a table up at the bottom of the ramp. Edge from behind on the Big Distracted Machine and we're off - right, right, climbing on the second rope, right, right, right, right, Kane puts him in a double choke. Outside, Christian tries to get some licks on the Taker - but has no effect other than making the Reaper aware of his existence - the chase is on the other way now - Kane with a big boot on Edge, mean time. Taker puts Christian over the barricade and follows - soupbone! Soupbone! Edge put in the corner, gutshot, military press...and drop. Edge tries a right, Kane with a right, into the ropes, head down, kick by Edge, sliding under...but falling to a lariat. Taker still demolishing Christian - back over the barricade. Edge taken corner to corner, boot up to stop Kane, Kane with an uppercut...bealing him off the top rope into the centre. Kane going outside and up top - flying clothesline finds the mark. 1, 2, 3! (1:55) Kane Diesels over the top rope and motions to the Dudleyz - meanwhile, Christian and Taker have hit the ring - Taker is whipped, reverses, Christian runs into Kane, who falls off the apron and onto the table - not really breaking it - one leg buckles instead. Kane pops up (causing a brief look of concern from the champs), then joins his brother in the ring - two chokeslams - first Christian, then Edge. Play Limp Bizkit! Replay the twin chokeslams!

Backstage we go where Kelly ambushes Austin and stooges out the night's plan...and Triple H's stipulations. Austin grins, then laughs after hearing the stipulations...most likely because H forgot to put Austin's WrestleMania title shot on the line.

XFL hype

Oh boy! The "Goddesses of Love!" Crash...nah, this sucks - NEXT

The Hardy Boyz rip it to the xtreme by shredding overstuffed ravioli...hey, wait, Lita's in this one, too - how confusing! She stole ALL of Matt's lines!

Any CD with Kriss Kross *and* Another Bad Creation should probably be burned...or made eligible for sainthood...lemme work on that dilemma

When we come back, we learn that (more Goddesses of Love to come) During the Break, Kevin Kelly caught up with a departing Al Snow. "So what? You want me to hang around and see if Vince McMahon's gonna try and have my butt kicked again? If Mick Foley's not welcome here in the WWF, Kevin Kelly, maybe I should just visit him for myself. In fact, that's where I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go to Mick Foley's house."

Yesterday, in Greenwich, CT, Linda McMahon sat around the house - and when she sits AROUND the house...

Back to today where LILIAN GARCIA has Chris Benoit. What's his game plan for Austin? "Game plan? Game plan? Let me ask you a question, Lilian. What do you THINK my game plan should be, with all your wisdom of the WWF, what would your advice be?" "Win?" "Very good, Lilian, WIN, because that's what it's all about - and how should I do that? How should I win? ANSWER ME, DAMMIT!" "Uhh - uhh - by beating him?" "Exactly - I'm going to beat the man, Rattlesnake or not, I'm gonna go in there and do what I do best, win. And there's nothing Stone Cold can do to stop that. And why is that? WHY IS THAT?" "Because you're the best technical wrestler in the W--" "The what? The What? Answer me, the what? I'm the best damn technical wrestler in the WWF! If you know all the answers, Lilian - why do you ask the questions?"

Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER.

TONIGHT: Stone Cold vs. Chris Benoit!

Perry Saturn and Matt Hardy to come - Let Us Take You Back to RAW to show you how the intergender match broke down...leading to tonight's matchup

Earlier Tonight, the all-seeing WWF cameras caught a chance to eavesdrop on 2Xtreme. Matt: "Look, this Dean situation - it's getting out of control. And I know we've been here before, but I think it's time for you to remove yourself from the situation and let me take care of it." Lita: "Look, I'm part of this team too." Jeff: "Yeah, yeah you are - Matt, just zoom in on Saturn...I got her back." Matt: "Dean Malenko is gonna do his damnedest to get involved tonight, and his damnedest to lay his hands on you." Lita: "Right, and that's why I'm damn sure gonna be out there tonight. Okay?" Matt: "Right, yeah, okay." Then he furrows his brow as if to say "Pffft - WOMEN."

WWF: The Music (Volume 5) ad - available TUESDAY!

More Goddesses of Love to come! Here's another look at Linda - no, this is not a still photo

MATT HARDY (with Jeff Hardy & Lita ... and SmackDown! is brought to you by Weider Sports Nutrition, SmackDown! 2: Know Your Role, and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli!) v. PERRY (with Terri) - Terri is modeling a lovely St. Val's Day red number - Matt seems oblivious (what, doesn't he like girls?) and leaves the ring to meet Saturn on the outside - ducks a clothesline, right, right, right, right, into the ring for the opening bell. Saturn recovers, dropping a double sledge on Hardy as he comes in. By the by, Perry & Terri guest host Heat this Sunday. Knife-edge chop, right, into the ropes, Hardy ducks, then hits a clothesline. Swinging neckbreaker...but falls into a hot shot - then a superkick. Short clothesline by Saturn. Got him upside down on his shoulder - rammed groin into the top turnbuckle. Whip into the opposite corner - boot up by Hardy...but he runs into a powerslam. Bagwell-esque pose by Saturn (!). Hardy manages a jawbreaker, but Saturn ducks the charge and Hardy sails through the ropes to the floor. Saturn out after him - dumps him onto the apron, where he handstands, then falls backwards in a DDT on the floor! Saturn rolled back in, Hardy climbing the ropes - but Saturn catches him - and there's the Spicolli Driver! Lawler says it's the "moss covered, three handled family gredunza" which means Saturn's been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss...I think. Don't ask my why both men are down...Hardy blocks, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Hardy clothesline. Gutshot, into place for the hangman's neckbreaker. Going to the second rope for the guns legdrop - 1, 2, Saturn kicks out. NOW THE SHIRT'S OFF SQUEEEEEEEAL (nobody squeals for Saturn 'cause he came out shirtless, see) - motioning for the Twist of Fate but Saturn picks him up and deposits him on top - right, right, right, climbing up - Hardy right, right, right, Saturn falls back - Hardy with a plancha - 1, 2, NO! Hardy off the ropes but Saturn has referee "Blind" Jack Doan's leg *and* Terri has Hardy's ankle. DEAN MALENKO is coming out as Saturn hits a death suplex on Hardy - Lita's up on the apron. Saturn sets up - Hardy going behind, shoving Saturn into the ropes, knocking Lita off into Malenko's waiting arms - Saturn bouncing back into the rollup - 1, 2, 3! (3:38) The extracirriculars aren't finished, however - Malenko puts Lita down...then gives her a giant smooch! Lita, of course, slaps him one. Saturn is out to help, but Jeff clotheslines him down, then joins his mates in the ring. Malenko holds his jaw and makes his way up the ramp. But not yet! "Hey, Dean!" Lita has the stick. "Look, this has gotta stop, okay?" "Lita!" chant. "Look, okay, look, I have to admit, I've pulled some cheap pranks in the past...but it's a little hard to resist, because you are such a sucker. Okay, look - they say what a woman wants most from a man is a ring, and I have to agree. I know you already have one. That's why I want you, Dean Malenko, in this ring next Monday night on RAW." Matt wants to know just what the hell she's thinking. The Hardyz music plays before we get resolution - here's a few replays, instead.

Hoo! Chris Benoit is WALKING!

Haa! Steve Austin is WALKING!

Time once again for the Goddesses of Love...and Crash Holly (who has a last name in this clip). The bigger woman throws some cards to the ground so he has to bend over to pick them up so they can look at his ass. Normally, I'd go back and find a more aesthetically pleasing way to break up that previous sentence, but this sucks and I ain't spendin' ANY more time on it than is necessary.

Here's a look at WWF New York

JONATHAN COACHMAN stands with Raven. Why is he accepting the challenge of the Big Show for a hardcore title match tonight? "Why would I accept the challenge? Why would Jack climb the beanstalk? Why would Davey fight Goliath? Why would Arnold challenge the Gooch? I'll tell you why. Because if I beat the Big Show and his gargantuan cranium tonight, I will be the greatest hardcore champion of all time." "But now isn't it true that Mr. McMahon forced you into this match?" Sulk, scowl, pause.... "Yes."

CHRIS BENOIT v. STEP OFF DOT COM - will they knuckle lock - no. Austin with a kick to the gut, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, Benoit kicks, Austin right, Benoit kicks, kick, positions reversed, chop, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, Austin reverses back, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. These two are technically excellently technical and excellent! I give it A MILLION STARS, Tom! Benoit rolls out. Austin invites him back in - then helps him a bit - Benoit thanks him by ramming his head into the top turnbuckle. Benoit back through the ropes. Snap arm wringer takedown. Benoit with the kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick. Chop, chop, right. Right. Kick, right, I hope I'm calling these moves correctly! Right. Whip into the opposite corner is reversed - Austin clotheslines him in the back as he staggers backwards. Stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Into the ropes, knee in the gut flips Benoit over. Austin with the death suplex - who had 2:05 in the "first wrestling manoeuvre" pool? Austin at least rubs his pecs where he's been chopped - those of us in the business call it " force." Austin with the vertical suplex - holy cow, that's two in a row! Choke on the second rope - that's more like it. Referee "Blind" Tim White forces the issue and Austin breaks at 4. Austin with the Boss Man straddle! (Sort of.) 1, Benoit grabs the bottom rope. Austin going for another suplex - Benoit shifts his weight and lands on his feet, spins him around, chop, chop, chop. Into the ropes, reversed, KICK WHAM - no, Benoit shoves him off, Austin bounces back with a clothesline off the ropes. Austin poised - KICK WHAM - NO! Benoit grabs the arm and drops to the mat - but he can't get the crossface because Austin is crawling - Benoit forearms the back of the head but he's still moving - FINALLY he locks it in but Austin is too close to the ropes. White actually gets to 5 but doesn't say "5," instead pulling Benoit off himself, and warning that next time he'll ring the bell. Benoit stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Years from now I may look back upon THIS match as "the finest I've ever called." This is the one for the time capsule, folks. Right, kick, kick, chop, Austin catches the kick, wrenches it over - STF! STF! STF! ("Don't you mean Hollywood and Vine?") Quiet, you. This is the TIME CAPSULE CALL. Well, here comes THE NEW MAN just as Benoit grabs the bottom rope. We can only wonder how he can run-in screwj this match up without touching Austin. Both men up - Austin points White in H's direction, then his trick knee acts up. Outside the ring, dragging Benoit to the apron, and driving the left leg against the corner of the mat. And again. A third time may be going to the well once too often - Benoit kicks him towards the commentary table and he flies into Cole's lap. Austin back up over the table - Benoit meets him and clothesline him back onto it! I counted about seventeen rights by Benoit, and Austin was trying to match him punch for punch simultaneously. H enjoys this immensely. Somehow they get back to their feet - Benoit with a slap across the chest, forearm in the back, Austin with a chop, Benoit right, Austin chop, and they repeat this for a bit - we watch H in the meantime. Austin's head hits the barricade. Benoit has his head to the timekeeper's table. Rolled back in the ring - Weider presents the Double Feature of Austin meeting our commentary team the hard way. Austin kicks, Benoit kicks, Austin, Benoit, Austin, Benoit with a knee, Austin puts him in the ropes, head down, kick by Benoit, clotheslined down, cover - 2. Benoit with a chop, Austin whipped into the corner sternum first - big death suplex. Benoit says that's it and climbs to the top...SWANDIVE HEADBUTT! Benoit shakes it off and crawls over...drags Austin back to the centre, but he manages a small package! Only problem is H is up on the apron and White is starting at *him* instead of the action behind him (or the OvalTron, for that matter). Benoit finally kicks out - forearm in Austin's back. Kick to the gut, shoulder into the ringpost, and Austin hits the floor once again. Triple H is walking over to say a few, to pick up a chair? What's he going to do with that? As White counts out Austin, H slides the chair into the ring. White is up to five...6...Benoit goes out and forearms him in the back, then rolls him in. Again H argues with White on the apron (at least this time White can't see the OvalTron) while, Austin comes back! Right, right, right, right, gutshot by Benoit, rares back with the chair - Austin KICK WHAM STUNNER! White is in position - 1, 2, 3! (8:13) Triple H gets melodramatic on us - Austin pops up to give him a double bird for his troubles. This is subtle - watch Austin refuse to give us the cameraman ONE good shot of his beet red chest.

Hey look! It's Vince McMahon! He's carrying a heart-shaped box of chocklit and he's WALKING!

XFL hype - no, John Avery is NOT a Lethal Weapon. STEVE BLACKMAN is a Lethal Weapon, friends.

Our commentators shill "Gary & Mike"

More Goddesses of Love to Come...what? BILLIONAIRE VINCE is in the ring *again?* Who gave him the sweet "top of the hour" segment? Oh, wait, he runs the company - HE probably did. (That's pretty smarky of you to say, isn't it?) No, see, when *I* say it, it's "quality analysis." (You're half right - it's "anal.") Hey, I don't let *you* in here to make the jokes. (You're just talking to me because you don't wanna recap a second fifteen minutes of McMahon! Now suck it up and get those fingers moving!) Hey, FAITH NO MORE GUY in the front row! "All right, I would now like to share with you a special heartfelt moment. I would like to share with you my Valentine's Day gift to my wife (Linda)."

Music plays and the graphic - a heart shaped cropping of an old Vince'n'Linda photo with "A Valentine's day gift for Linda McMahon" text appears. We cut to the shot of the motionless, apparently oblivious Linda McMahon from her private sanitarium as Vince enters the picture carrying a box of long-stemmed roses...look, I love you guys and I FEEL for those of you who don't get this show and have to rely on me to glean what happened, but this segment is crap, and for once I can't be bothered to transcribe Vince's speech. Go read some other SmackDown! report - I'm assuming somebody else does them somewhere. Suffice it to say there's a lot of medication on the table, and the impression is she's completely unaware of her surroundings. If Vince had divorced her, she would have had half of everything they'd built together - but with her sick (and medicated) he has 100% control of everything instead. Vince brings out Trish Stratus, who compares Linda to her Nana in the nursing home. She kisses her forehead - ooh, she's cold as ice! Guess the next line for a dollar. Vince decides to take back the roses and give them to Trish instead. And they take off...

Back to the ring. "Allow me to introduce you to two of my friends - two of my closest friends - WILLIAM REGAL & TRISH STRATUS." And here they are, arm in arm. "Let's have a warm Long Island welcome for the lovely couple!" Vince presents the chocklits to Stratus. Before anything more can be said, STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT bounds out to the ring (trying to knock down an imaginary door with her head, looks like), double leg takedown on Trish, slaps aplenty - Regal pulls her off - HE gets a slap or two. Vince holds back his daughter as Regal takes Stratus out of the ring and back up the ramp. "My Time" plays. Golly, this whole segment was a heapin' helpin' o' SUCK. And Stephanie can't act. When can we pull the plug on this?

No Way Out promo

The Goddesses of Love pick a winner - I guess there was a contest to see who could best sing "Loving You" while embarrassing themselves the most. Why didn't *I* enter?

WWF Shop Zone dot com ad

More Goddesses of Love to come! Replay of Vince and Linda and Trish and FUHFUHWID

Moments Ago, Trish accepted the candy, Stephanie did her best Commander Riker walkin' impersonation (hey Scaia) and a kittenfight erupted...

Trish wants to fight Stephanie NOW, but Vince says "no way" - Regal puts her in the car, then tells Vince he should let them No Way Out. Think of the money that could be made with that spectacle on pay-per-view! "William...that's brilliant. Thank you! Trish versus Steph at No Way Out - YUHHHHHH" and his head kinda starts bobbing like one of those dolls. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN ANGLE

WWF INTERCHRISINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. X-PAC (1-0) NEVER JOBS IN SINGLES MATCHES - I keep forgetting to buy that shirt for my girlfriend (happy Valentine's Day + 2 K!) "X-Pac, I've gotta hand it to you - in your four month absence from the World Wrestling Federation, you have really changed. I mean, you've gone from being a greasy-haired, cheesy-bandana-wearin' jerky in black and green tights to becoming a greasy-haired, cheesy-bandana-wearin' jerky in black and RED tights! But one thing hasn't changed, and that is the fact that Y2J still thinks that you suck, and all of these Jerichoholics still think that you suck, and whether it's you, or Eddie Guerrero, or your newly found just incredibly bald-headed, buck-toothed, jackass buddy, one thing is for certain: none of you will ever, EVER take this championship from the gorgeous waist of Y - 2 - J." I guess X-Pac has no current entrance video with DX's demise - the OvalTron only gives us another angle of his walk down the aisle. Jericho runs at him with a right, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, into the ropes, knockdown, clothesline, off the ropes, X-Pac ducks and hits a spinning heel kick as Jericho comes back. Kick, right, right, right, right, right, Jericho right, right, X-Pac forearm, into the ropes is reversed, X-Pac gets the boot up, but runs into a spinning heel kick from Jericho. "Y2J" chant! Springboard shoulderblock puts X-Pac on the outside. Jericho follows - chop - dropping him on the barricade. Kick, whip into the barricade is reversed and Jericho hits hard. X-Pac follows up with a spinning heel kick. Jericho rolled back in - X-Pac climbing up - plancha, but Jericho follows through and rolls it over for 2. X-Pac with a clothesline. In the corner, kick trifecta, galloping into the broncobuster but nobody's home - X-Pac stands on the bottom rope...catches Jericoh's kick, then eats an enzuigiri from the champ. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long puts on the count - both men up at 5. Jericho with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," chop, into the ropes, flying jalapeno, bulldog, cover, 1, 2, 'Pac kicks out. Knee by Jericho, chop, into the ropes, reversed, head down, kick by Jericho, running at him...into a hot shot. X-Pac stands on the neck a bit...and now the broncobuster *does* land. X-Pac stands above him on the second rope and Jericho picks him up - not a powerbomb, more of a gentle placement on the canvas, turning into the Walls of Jericho, but they're in the corner so it's easy enough for X-Pac to grab the bottom rope. Jericho is a little slow to break the hold, so Long helps him - Jericho shoves him away, allowing X-Pac to hit an uppernut behind his back. X Factor! 1, 2, EDDIE GUERRERO runs out to break it up. Why? Who can say? All I know is X-Pac is 2-0. (DQ 3:46) Guerrero starts punching away on Jericho - X-Pac pulls him off and now Guerrero is punching *X-Pac.* ECW's JUSTIN CREDIBLE is out and now there's a doubleteam stompin' on Guerrero and an "ECW" chant. Jericho grabs a chair and they scatter. Then Jericho WHACKS Guerrero for good measure. Are X-Pac and Credible holding hands? Yikes. Play Jericho's music 'cause he LOST!

Oh boy! Well it's The Big Show! And he's WALKING!

Meanwhile, Raven is wheeling a shopping cart full o' weaponry - oh, and WALKING!

"WWF: The Music (Volume 5)" - how can it be "the Rock's solo recording debut" if Slick Rick is also on the track?

Triple H shills Weider Dynamic Ego Builder

And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, presented by Weider Dynamic Product Previously Referenced! From RAW, Big Show has some fun with Raven following his and Angle's win over Big Show and Essa Rios.

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: RAVEN (with Earlier Tonight) v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW - why play Raven's interview twice? (So you can try to figure out who Arnold and the Gooch are?) Hey, I get ENOUGH email *already.* I'll look it up later. Well it's a lot of pyro for the Show's entrance. Raven at the ready with the trashcan - WHACK - no sell. Sign - WHACK - WHACK - no sell. Broom handle in the stomach - no. Trashcanlid - WHACK - WHACK - got the kitchen sink - WHACK - WHACK - WHACK - fire extinguisher shot - and into the gut - nope. Whip attempt - ha ha. Show ain't movin'. Finally he pulls Raven over the top to the floor...and follows out. Well it's a big right hand. Well it's a big forearm. Well it's a big stomp. Well it's a big right. THE NINJETTE is out now and using...what, some PVC pipe? *That* don't hurt. Two swings gets Show's attention - Raven with the STOP sign - WHACK - WHACK - WHACK - trying to run his shopping cart into Show but he stops it with his boot. Well it's a big mauling right hand. Show grabs the shopping cart and hurls it at Raven - just missing him, but hitting the STEEL steps to make lots of noise. Raven back in the ring...Show Diesels over the top rope to get back in. Raven put into the ropes, well it's a big thrust kick. KAI EN TAI are out - Funaki covers and referee "Blind" Jim Korderas dutifully starts a count - 1, Show picks him up in a choke - Michinoku off the top - into a choke on the other hand. ahhhhhhTHEDOUBLECHOKESLAAAAAM! Carnage, my friends, carnage. YAAAAAAAAHLBERT is out - bicycle kick to the Show, bicycle kick to Raven, pulling him to the centre - 1, 2, Show breaks it up. Show clotheslines him out as we take a Weider Double Feature of the Kai en Tai double chokeslam. K-KWIK is out with a charismatic cover - 1, Show pulls him off, then places a trashcan in the path of ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. Raven has a trashcan - Show punches the can into Raven's face. He's outside again, where BALD VENIS tries a cover - Show stomps on *him* to break it up, then rams his back into the ringpost. Venis twitches *OLD SCHOOL STYLE.* Raven is crawling away...and Show is following. Weider brings the Double Feature of Kwik's charismatic chokeslam...and the punch to the garbage can. This crowd shot is cool because Show is so tall you actually see his head above the fans. Show runs Raven into a barricade, then signals for it - but before he can do it, he has to break up a pinfall attempt from TAZZZZZZZZZZZ. Show drops him throat first on the safety rail, then follows Raven - we're behind the curtain now. Into the ambo case! Raven sat into a basketball hoop - now KOOL MOE DEE is into the picture with a forearm to the back - another - Show headbutts him. Damn, and I think that was the *bionic* forearm, too! MR. PARTY TIME is working on Raven, and almost ready to cover when Show is over to pick HIM up in a choke - Holly with the 2x4 across the back to prevent a chokeslam out on the floor. Blackman and Holly pour it on on the Show...Blackman back over to Raven to work on HIM - Show puts Holly into a metal wall, Blackman puts Raven into another case, Show grabs Blackman and rams him into a wall - meanwhile, the Ninjette is back, grabbing Raven (who grabs his belt) and they run off. Show stalks after them...hmm, this match *technically* isn't over but let's call it (No contest 5:16) while you watch these replays of everything you previously saw in a Double Feature. By the way, Jim Korderas needs to club whoever was responsible for his photo in the "WrestleMania X-Seven" special magazine - he's not only got five o'clock shadow, he's got NINE o'clock shadow. Really stands out amongst the other ref photos, sure, but not in the GOOD way. Then again, who's gonna pay $9.95 for the "WrestleMania X-Seven" special magazine?

Kevin Kelly stands outside the Rock's door, ready for his weekly bitchslapping. Just to reinforce his character for our benefit, he picks his nose in full sight of the camera.

Mick Foley is looking for a Lieutenant Co-host! Log onto to find out how to win!

Kurt Angle plays "SmackDown! 2: Know Your Role" - again

And now the Stacker 2 Burn of the Week! From RAW, Vince McMahon and William Regal do a pretty good job of burning Al Snow, dressed as Mankind. If I had been typing the RAW report tonight, I might have called it thusly: "Left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left." Fortunately for YOU, I didn't!

Our hosts remember that Snow said he was visiting Foley's house - they hope he took a camera crew with him! (How would a camera crew fit in his rentacar?) Ooh, more Goddesses of Love to come!

Sure enough to Foleys house we go, where there's already a camera crew set up in Foley's basement as Snow enters it. "Hey Mick! Mick! An exercise bike? Must be in the wrong's pretty nice! What the hell is that? That has got to be the ugliest picture I have ever seen...who in their right mind--" "Hello....AL. How'd you get in here?" "Collette let me in." "I'll have to talk to her about that - Al, what was so gosh darn important you had to come visit me in my house?" "What do you mean, what's so important, you've been watching the show. You've seen what I've been trying to do." "You called me overweight and foul smelling....both valid points." "Seriously, Mick...I've been trying to talk to Vince McMahon on your behalf. How he fired you, how he humiliated you...what Vince McMahon did to you was wrong, and you need to come back and stand up for yourself." "Al, I'm not crazy about the way I was let go, humiliated and fired on national television, but the truth is now that I'm here, I'm really happy!" "Happy, yeah - but don't you miss the fans? The cheap pops?" "Al...I got plenty o' that...right my basement!" He presses a remote and the sound of a crowd plays. Foley talks about how happy he is with the time to write another book and play with his kids - he's not coming back. "Don't you think - and I don't know, Mick, maybe I'm going out on a limb here, but uh don't you think you might have mentioned that before I HAD THE HELL BEATEN OUT OF ME FOR THREE TIMES?!" "I saw that - I appreciate what you did, and if you're concerned about following in my up to my legacy, carrying on the Foley name--" "Whoa whoa whoa whoa, you're going off on a sidetrack here." "Do you want to get back at Vince McMahon?" "Yes, I wanna get back at Vince McMahon for you...AND for me." "Then I've got two words that would strike terror into Vince McMahon's heart." "I'm listening." "Commissioner...Snow." "Commissioner Snow..." "Al, you can do it, and I've got something to send you on your way..." "The gavel. Why are you keeping a gavel in your basement?" "Hey, it's a long story, but listen - go upstairs and get me a hero sandwich, and when you come back, we'll watch the best of Steve Blackman. Get me a soft drink while you're up there, Al!" "I'll make that a diet!" Foley cues a "Foley" chant...

Chyna's book debuts at #3 on the New York Time Best Seller list. Whoopee!

Kevin Kelly stands within the presence of the Rock. "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Long Iiiiiiisland! But before the Rock begins...let the Rock ask you a question. Were you just picking your nose? Naaaahaaa, the Rock SAW you picking your nose! You actually wanna stand outside the Rock's locker room and pick your nose? The Rock'll tell you what, you wanna act like a little kid, the Rock says take your finger and put it up your nose. STICK IT IN, HERMIE! And you wanna act like a kid, then you just stand there with your finger in your nose while the Great One speaks...and speaking of noses, tonight it's gonna be the Rock against Triple H. You know, Triple H, you actually think that the Rock did you a favour by beating Rikishi, allowing YOU to name your stipulation with your match against Austin, well that couldn't be farther from the truth, Triple H, because you see the fact of the matter is this: is the Rock didn't win for you, the Rock won for himself, and tonight the Rock is gonna do something else for himself. You think, Triple H, that you're just gonna skate through the Rock's show, skate through SmackDown! just because nothing's on the line? Well the truth of the matter is this: true, no WWF title on the line; true, no stipulations on the line; there is one thing on the line, Triple H - your ass is on the line. Stick your finger back, Hermie! ["Rock E!"] You see, Triple H, the Rock isn't gonna kick that ass just for himself, nonononono, the Rock is gonna beat it for one more person, and that person is the WWF Champion Kurt Angle. Oh, Kurt Angle, don't think that the Rock has forgotten about you, the Rock hasn't forgotten about you, Kurt Angle. The Rock has said it before, he'll say it again, the countdown is on, ten days from now! Tick tock, tick tock....tick tock. You see, Kurt Angle, get ready, 'cause the Rock is going to No Way Out, the Rock is beating you at No Way Out, and the Rock is going WrestleMania. So Kurt Angle, to Triple H, to Vince McMahon, to Stone Cold Steve Austin can't stop CAN'T STOP the Rock! ... IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLALALALALALAOOOOOW what THE ROCK is cookin'!" I'm telling ya, one day that Kevin Kelly is gonna SNAP - and I wanna be there when it happens.

Hey! Triple H! And he's WALKING!

Huh? Stone Cold Steve Austin? And he's WALKING! ?

XFL hype

Chyna - Stacker 2 - you know

And now, the WWF Rewind is presented by THQ's "SmackDown! 2: Know Your Role!" From RAW, Rock pins Rikishi to win the stipulation call for Triple H...then lays the smack down on Triple H.

STEP OFF DOT COM (with More Goddesses to Come!) heads to the ring...and takes third headset. Too bad he's wearing that shirt - I'd like to see how red his chest is from the match with Benoit. Oh well, I read somewhere that they were holding down Benoit anyway - this is OBVIOUSLY proof

THE NEW MAN (with Weider Sports Nutrition presents No Way Out in just ten short days from the Thomas & Mack Centre in Las Vegas, NV!) v. IF YA SMELLLLLLL DOT COM - H leaves the ring to meet Rock "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, right, H with a knee, but the whip into the barricade is reversed, and Rock clotheslines him coming out. Head to the steps! Head to the commentary table is blocked, however, and Rock drops him face first on that same table. Running clothesline by H on the floor. H with a glare and a stare for Austin - referee "Blind" Earl Hebner separates them, though that shouldn't be necessary. H rolls Rock in the ring - and the opening bell finally sounds. Rock is coming back as H enters the ring - right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Rock ducks the clothesline but H hits the neckbreaker for the first 2. Stomp. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, standing on the neck. Blatant choke - Hebner pulls him off. Big right hand puts the Rock down. Austin: "I like that little frosting on your hair." H with a vertical suplex - and a look for Austin. Running kneedrop gets 2. Foot between the shoudlerblades - another stomp. H outside...running elbow. Austin gets bleeped as H looks at him. Another elbow for the Rock, another staredown. Back in the ring, Rock comes back with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, into the ropes, reversed, head down, swinging neckbreaker by Rock. Right, into the ropes is reversed, H with the high knee - 1, 2, Rock gets a shoulder up. H covers again - another 2. H in the mount - right, right, right, right right right right right right right. H going outside and climbing the corner. Austin: "He's about to make a mistake." Sure enough, Rock is over with a right, right, right, and bealing him back in. (TRIPLE H *IS* RIC FLAIR!) Both men slowly up - Rock again hits "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Right, into the ropes, H holds on, Rock ducks, gutshot, DDT! 1, 2, H kicks out! Rock puts H into the ropes, head down, H with the facebuster. Off the ropes - but into the spinebuster from the Rock! Going for the Sharpshooter? Yes! H has no choice but to reach for the bottom rope...and he gets it. Rock argues with Hebner about breaking the hold. H holds the top rope - Rock pulls him back to the center. Going for the Sharpshooter once again...but H is punching him...then kicking him back, unfortunately right into Hebner, who falls outside to the floor. Both men back up - Rock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" for the millionth time, right, into the ropes is reversed, head down by H, kick by Rock, running at H, but he sidesteps Rock and puts him over the top to the floor. KING KURT ANGLE is out - he must have heard Rock likes pancakes 'cause he just WAFFLED him with that title belt! Angle throws him back in the ring - H directs him to roust Hebner...but Austin leaves the commentary table at this point, grabs Angle and rams him into the barricade. H has hit the Pedigree on Rock, meanwhile, but Austin has Hebner. H lets up on his cover to walk over and yell at Austin. Going for another Pedigree, but Rock slips under and hits ROCK BOTTOM! *Now* Austin rolls Hebner back in for the trademark slow count...if you like your wrestling to look "real," don't watch Triple H's eyes here - 1...... 2....... Angle just in time to break it up! Stomping on the Rock...Austin in - right, right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. CHRIS BENOIT is out and on Austin - they're trading punches and kicks - now Angle and Benoit joining against Austin...and turning it - but Rock is up - clothesline for Angle...poised to deliver Rock Bottom, but *H* is up - he knocks down Rock from behind! Benoit has dropped Austin with the crossface - AND Angle has Rock in an anklelock! H is content to watch - wait, he has a cold one! He gets on his knees and trash talks Austin...then pours the beer over his head! Yowza! And that's our last image of the night, 'cause the credits are up and we're OUT! (No contest? 8:10?)

AFTER THE FACT: All right, FINE. Here is the transcript of McMahon's speech to Linda. Under duress, I am. It's entirely possible that it's important we get this down for posterity - some plot point could be cleverly hidden in here and I just MAY be sorry later if I don't do it now. Still, I think it's a pretty crappy segment but what kind of recap would it be without every possible Vince transcription? All right, your disclaimers are out of the way. APPRECIATE ME, DAMMIT. SOME GUY YOU NEVER HEARD OF SAID I HAD NO TALENT AND NOW MY FEELINGS ARE HURT oookay, sorry. Here it be: "Well, well, well - it's Valentine's Day. You know, Valentine's Day is a very special day, Linda. We've had many Valentine's Days in the past, but you know what? This one, to me, is the sweetest. And Valentine's Day is all And I wanna let you know, Linda, because I know you can hear me and understand every word I'm saying - I really still do ... love you, Linda. Yeah. I mean, that's why I had you placed in this private sanitarium which quite frankly cost me a lot of money. And as long as you take your medicine as the doctor prescribes, then you'll be able to keep right on appreciating not just Valentine's Day but every single day in this state that you're in. Oh, and look - I brought you these special Valentine's flowers. Too bad you really can't appreciate them, but you know, then again I don't think you ever really appreciated me. But that's another story - well, actually, it's the same story, isn't it? 'cause I wanna let you know something - this wedding band - huh - that's a token of just how much I really still do ... love you. Some people think 'oh, geez, Vince, I thought you and your wife Linda were divorced,' and oh no, we were headed that way but then I smartened up. Oh. You see, and then you got sick - and you had to take your medication, and what I got out of this - I got 100% complete control of everything that we jointly own, because if we had been divorced, you would have gotten 50% of every nickel I ever earned. That ain't gonna happen. I'm too smart for that. So I'm gonna wear this wedding band every single day, and tell everyone in the whole world how much, not just on Valentine's Day, but every day how much I my wife. But you know, Valentine's Day is not just about you and me; Valentine's Day is about friendship. Yeah. So that's why, uh, I invited, Linda, I invited a special friend to join us on this very special day - too bad in the state you're in you really can't appreciate who this wonderful, fine young lady really is, but allow me the formal introduction - Trish, this is MY wife Linda." "Wow, look at her. She looks so...tired." "You know, she is tired." "You know I used to visit my grandma in a nursing home." "Well, wait a minute now, this is not a nursing home - this is a private sanitarium." "I know, oh, I know, but just seeing all this just reminds me of Nana." "My wife Linda reminds you of your...Nana?" "Well...poor thing, look. (kiss) She is COLD as ice! Ugh!" "You know, Trish, some things NEVER change. By the way, you know what? Since you really can't appreciate these wonderful roses, Linda, on Valentine's Day, allow me to give them to someone who *will* appreciate them." "You're so sweet." "Yeah...c'mon, Trish. Have a nice Valentine's Day, Linda!" "Nice to meetcha..."

Upon further review, it STILL sucked. Don't worry, though... they still have all weekend to fix it.

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