Think you're looking for "acronym." Or, if you watch "TV Funhouse," "mnemonic."

KINGS UPDATE: FIRST place! 43-20, half a game up on the Lakers! Hooray!

PERSONAL TO SAM BATMAN: I haven't forgotten you, I swear.

RECURRING PLUG: Why mock me in private when you can do it in public? Go visit the EZboard at http://pub30.ezboard.com/bcrz when you're done over here!

As is often the case on Thursday nights, I've got some old business to take care of before we get to the action, so feel free to scroll down if you're only here for the facts - but why didn't you read the spoilers two days ago, then?

WOW: Reruns? In *wrestling?* How's that workin' for ya, McLane? Apparently I now have six months to recap WOW #23 so I'm not too worried about the fact that I'm already four days late on it. And that's if they actually have the second season - I'm not exactly hearing the notes of confidence on THAT, either. Anyway, what I'm saying is that someday I'll get to that most recent (last) show. Maybe I'll go back and do the two shows I missed while I'm at it. Maybe ALSO I'll go recap those four years of RAW I never did while I'm at it. In other words, don't hold your breath, but sooner or later I imagine I'll pine for WOW and fill in those gaps, just so I can be complete about it. Come to think of it, I kinda miss it already. Poor WOW. That was a nice little promotion we had for...well, however long it was. I'm gonna miss 'em.

SFLL: When one falls, another rises - I forgot to mention it Monday, but Sunday I attended the premiere of San Francisco Lucha Libre at Club Roccapulco and it was dyn-o-mite. A poor man's recap is available in the "US Indy" section over at tOA (otherarena.com) and if you're not into reading, then you can look at the Polaroid of me, Tinieblas Jnr and Hijo del Santo instead. Far as I know, they don't have a web site yet, but when they do, I'll hook ya up with a link.

APW: This weekend, the Bay Area's Most Famous Indy Ever Except Maybe for BAW (and whatever happened to BAW, anyway?) hits Pacifica - I *believe* Christopher Daniels has managed to recover from his broken leg and will be on the card, but don't hold me to that, 'cause I can't even remember if it's Saturday or Sunday. All I know is that once again I was supposed to take up an APW guy on comps - those guys are remarkably persistent - but once again I have a schedule conflict and won't be attending. Just as well, since I forgot to write them back (ha ha), but I'm hoping all will be forgiven if I put in a plug up at the top of the SmackDown! report. And so I have...right here. Go visit allprowrestling.com for the knowledge from the people who know. Yo.

WCW: I can't wait until Monday - HA HA HA HA HA HA I WAS SAYING THIS A MONTH AGO AND *NO ONE* LISTENED TO ME HOW YA LIKE ME NOW CHUMP - oh sorry

Isn't it about time we turned to UPN Thursday?

TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

LAST MONDAY: The Regal Regime began with a return match for the WWF title for Kurt Angle - go read the RAW report

TONIGHT: Stone Cold Steve Austin takes on Kurt Angle - one more time!

Opening Credits

BOOM BOOM BOOM it's a sold out Arrowhead Pond at Anaheim (CA), where we're transmitido en espanol SAP on UPN, airing 15.3.1 (taped 13.3) is this episode of WWF SmackDown!

WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with Earlier Today) v. EDDIE GUERRERO (with Perry & Terri - and a WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) - While Guerrero wanted a rematch with Benoit, Commissioner William Regal felt he deserved a chance at a man who was besmirching all the former Euro champs by holding the title. Perry practically rapes Guerrero on his way to the ring, calling McMahon's Costas appearance into question. Staredown to start - Test turns his back (doofus) and Guerrero gives him the axehandle from behind, right, right, into the ropes, back elbow, dropkicks the knee and Test goes down. Stomp on the knee, between the ropes, back in with the trademark over the ropes senton dive. Right, right, European uppercut, into the ropes is reversed, Guerrero rolls under the big boot but Test lands a clothesline. Right by Test, right, right, into the ropes, lifted up...and lets him drop to the mat. Gutwrench into a powerbomb gets 2. Double Feature of Guerrero's freefall. Right by Test, into the corner, sidesteps the sternum-first charge, rollup, 2 for Guerrero. Right, right, into the ropes is reversed, but Guerrero holds on and lowers the bridge to let Test go outside. Guerrero backs way off, allowing referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas to completely miss Saturn working over Test behind his back on the outside. Big short clothesline, rolled back in. Guerrero back to work - Euro forearm, chop, right, into the ropes, reversed, Test hits a tilt-a-whirl slam...for 2. Guerrero rammed into the buckle - back into the corner, right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, Saturn on the apron with the belt - Test brings him in the hard way, block, right, right, right - meanwhile, Guerrero has the title and stands poised...but CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO runs out before he can make a move with it, hot shots him, and Guerrero staggers into the Big Boot, Eh and Test gets the fall. (3:02) A quick check in the commish's office - Regal seems displeased.

Let Us Take You Back To RAW where Triple H had some fun with the Undertaker....until Kane showed up. Then Big Show had some fun with HIM.

Looking out to the parking area, Taker sits on his bike...and awaits...who? Kane shows up - let the drama commence! "Hey brother!" "Hey man." "Whatchoo doin', man?" "I'm waitin'." "Waitin'? What are you waitin' on?" "Just waitin'." "You're waitin' on Triple H, ain'tcha." "Maybe." "You know there are other ways of handling this." "Since when did you become the voice of reason? Yeah, there's other ways of handling it...but I'm gonna handle it my way...and I'm gonna handle it tonight." "Well I guess I'll just wait here with ya then." "No...I'm gonna do this one alone, man. So why don't you go back inside. I'll let ya know when it's all over." "All right." He walks off. "But hey! You get one in for me." "You're damn right I'm gonna get one in for you."

Wanna break bread with Kurt Angle? Visit bluelight.com and explore Kmart!

And now, the WWF Boot of the Week, presented to you by Lugz! From RAW, Angle hits the Anglelock on Rock...and on Debra. Then Austin comes out and beats EVERYBODY up.

Here's a look at the exterior of the Pond

Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Earlier Today, LARRY KING had a sitdown with Steve Austin:

Steve, we are less than three weeks away from perhaps the biggest WrestleMania in the history of the World Wrestling Federation - the main event: Stone Cold Steve Austin challenging the Rock for the World Wrestling Federation championship. Looking at this strictly as a professional, what does this particular WrestleMania mean to Stone Cold?

Well it means I did what I had to do to get there. I won the Royal Rumble which gave me the shot at the champ at WrestleMania. It turns out that the champ is the Rock. So seeing as the Rock is the best, he is the champ, either I go in there and beat him and become the champ, or I get my (beep) whipped. It's real simple.

Personally, what does WrestleMania mean to Steve Austin? Personally?

Well personally, it's in Texas - hell, that's my backyard. It's in the Astrodome - I've seen baseball games, football games there, now Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Rock are in the main event, but the biggest deal to me is, it means I'm back. The journey's over, and I'm back.

Certainly referring to your spinal surgery last January, your doctors, your family, your friends, perhaps the only person in the world who thought you were gonna come back was you. Uh, and, you know, a lot of the critics, your critics say "Stone Cold is obsessed, JR. Stone Cold is obsessed with becoming the WWF champion again." How do you address those people?

(pause) You know I've always said if you ain't here to be the World Wrestling Federation champion, you got know business being here. Pretty much that's your answer.

All right.

You can take that how you want it.

Okay, I'm with you on that - and, you win the Royal Rumble, the next month the Rock goes to No Way Out and wins the WWF title and the hype begins - Austin and Rock, Rock and Austin, WrestleMania, it's in one sentence - and then it looked like clear sailing was ended when Mr. McMahon reared his head and named your wife your opponent's manager. Your wife Debra is now managing the Rock. Uh, why would Mr. McMahon do something like that?

Because he's a sorry sorry son of a (beep). It's because Austin vs. McMahon lasted well over a year, and you'd think it was over - I beat his (beep) so many times I can't even count it on my own fingers, so you'd think he'd had enough of Stone Cold, but now he gets a chance to shove it right back at Stone Cold Steve Austin, so that's what he does. He can't deal with me one on on, he can't handle Stonen Cold one on one, so he makes my wife the Rock's manager. Am I happy about it, no...but McMahon is a sorry son of a (beep) and he's still trying to screw with Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Obviously an emotional subject, and rightly so...

You're damn right!

...but, but Steve, a lot of Rock's fans don't understand why you Stunned the WWF Champion Monday night on RAW. They don't get it.

Heh - you don't get why I Stunned the Rock? I told that man right to his face, walked to his dressing room, walked up to him and said "Hey, if you put Debra in jeopardy, I'm gonna whip your (beep)" - he proceeded to go out there, put Debra in jeopardy, so he got his (beep) whipped - what part of that, or what part of any fan does not understand that? And I don't care who likes it, who doesn't like it - that was my wife. She was put in jeopardy - BAM - lights out.

Another man you warned Monday night was Kurt Angle, and tonight, you're gonna face Kurt Angle one on one on SmackDown! And I got a feeling, the mood you're in after what happened to your own wife Monday night, this ain't gonna be no wrestling match.

Boy, you're pretty smart, it ain't gonna be no damn wrestling match. There's gonna be a ring up there with a coupla ropes around it, and that's the only part of wrestling it's gonna look like. Kurt Angle has his an (beep) whipping coming, and that's what he's gonna get. You don't mess with Stone Cold Steve Austin. You do not mess with my wife. That's what he did - he will pay the price tonight, and you know what, tonight there's gonna be a winner and there's gonna be a loser, and sandwiched in between, there's gonna be a lot of brutality, and Kurt Angle is gonna be on the receiving end of that. So I'll beat his (beep), I'll beat him 1, 2, 3 to put a little period at the end of the sentence, all's said and done, Kurt Angle - Kurt Angle doesn't need to screw with Stone Cold Steve Austin.

And let's not forget that the WWF Champion, the Rock is scheduled to be in Anaheim tonight as well.

I'm glad that the Rock is in Anaheim just as well. It makes my heart jump outta my chest. And I got a message for the Rock - you know, there's no love lost there - we're not buddies - I don't necessarily *hate* the man, I respect what he's done. But that being said, him being the champ, him and me goin' to WrestleMania for the WWF title, I suggest he park his little carcass in front of a monitor and watch Stone Cold Steve Austin open up a can o' whoop(beep) and spread it all over Kurt Angle's (beep). Because when I roll into Houston, Texas at WrestleMania, don't think I'm coming to do a little song and dance routine - these boots were made for stomping, and I'll stomp his little guts in to get the World Wrestling Federation title - but we ain't even gotta worry about that right now. Lemme just settle the hell down. Kurt Angle is the victim tonight...and the chips will fall where they will. And it doesn't look too good for Kurt Angle. And that's pretty much all I got to say about any kinda question you can ask me. (gets up and leaves)

The graphic don't lie! The Rock (with Debra) vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin for the WWF Championship at WrestleMania!

Undertaker is still waiting...and searching for a suitably large piece of metal to wield.

Log on to WWF.com for details on FREE WrestleMania & Limp Bizkit tickets!

Kevin Kelly is summoned to the commissioner's office. He asks him to tell Chris Jericho that since he likes to be out there performing in front of the people (by interfering), he has a match tonight - a tag team match against the Dudley Boyz. "And who will his partner be?" "No one!" Kelly asks him about the Undertaker - Regal says Taker is a reasonable man - if he goes out there and talks to him, gentleman to gentleman, he's sure that the situation can be defused.

HARDY BOYZ (with Lita - and the WrestleMania.com logo) and THA 1 BILLY GUNN (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover - and Let Us Take You Back to Heat) v. JUSTIN CREDIBLE & JUSTIN OTHERGUY & JUSTIN OTHEROTHERGUY (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) - bringing us up to date - Justin Credible interfered in a Gunn/X-Pac match on Heat, while Albert aligned himself with Credible & X-Pac on RAW - so we form this here six-man tonight. Hmmm, I think I *still* need it explained to me - nah, let's just get through it. Jeffy and Justin start - what is this, when boy band names collide? Lockup, arm wringer by Hardy, right by Credible, right, right, into the ropes, leapfrog over a sliding Hardy - he's up, kicking the back of the knee to take him down, seated dropkick! Tag to Matt - doubleteam in the corner until referee "Blind" Mike Chioda pulls them off. Matt with - no, let's look at Lita, okay. Whip is reversed, but Matt hits his patented clothesline for 2. Credible to the eyes - to the corner - to the tag. Now it's Credible and X-Pac laying in with the doubleteam - Gunn tries to come in, drawing Chioda away - Matt punches back - X-Pac, Credible, Credible, oops, ran into an Albert clothesline...so much for Matt's flurry. 'Pac drops the hammer - another elbow to the back, scoop...and a slam. Off the ropes with a lightning legdrop - 1, 2, nope. "X-Pac sucks," I hear. Whip into the ropes by 'Pac, but Matt gets the boot up - second rope AHHHHHdrop, but Matt holds his keister off the legdrop - probably from all those wacky sitout clotheslines taking their toll. Tag to Credible, hot tag to Jeff! Jeff with a duck, dropkick to Albert on the apron putting him on the flor, jawbreaker (Cole: "neckbreaker") on Credible - double legdrop to a sensitive area between the legs. Four men in - Matt whips 'Pac into the corner, Poetry in Motion by Jeff. Now Gunn is over to head off Albert - kick, kick, right, right, oh I think he's winded already...he asks Jeff to run at him, then he dumps him into Albert...unfortunately, Albert just catches him - Gunn is too busy celebrating to notice this. Jeff tries a 'rana but Albert just halts him, lifts him back up, and DRIVES him down with a powerbomb. Give that a Double Feature! Albert mauls Hardy down once again. Pac wants the tag - he'll get it. Yaaaaah into the corner for X-Pac's kick trifecta - and here's a bronco buster. Matt wants in but Chioda won't allow him. Tag to Credible - right to Jeff, into the corner, but he goes sternum first after Jeff steps aside - Lita grabs Credible's legs and crotches him on the post! Both men down...crowd chanting for...Lita. Oh well. Tag to Gunn! Clothesline for Credible, one for X-Pac, shot for Albert, Credible into the ropes for the tilt-a-whirl slam. Pac with a forearm, whip attempt but Gunn is too tired so he reverses it, press - toss into Albert, who catches him - then the Hardys doubledropkick the pile, taking them all to the outside. Gunn whips Credible hard into the corner - he tries to Tree of Woe himself off the bump but staggers back to take the cobra clutch slam - 1, 2, 'Pac breaks it up. X Factor! Matt in - Twist of Fate on X-Pac! Albert in - Baldobomb on Matt! Who's left? Corkscrew moonsault by Jeff on Albert! Running at Albert again...but he presses him...and tosses him to the outside. Chioda called for the bell about thirty seconds ago - apparently, all this action is just too illegal to allow it to go on. (DDQ 5:05) Hey, cleavage shot of Lita!

After taking a look in the rear view mirror of Taker's bike and seeing him, we shift perspective to catch Regal in the mirror. "Mr. Undertaker, Mr. Undertaker - perhaps we could go inside so we could sort out your problems with Triple H." Taker taps his pipe on the cement floor. "You obviously didn't hear me - I said perhaps we could go inside and, maybe over a spot of tea, sort out your grievances that you have with Triple H." Tap, tap, tap. "I suggest, young man, that we go inside and sort out your problems with Triple H before I have to do something I don't want to do." Taker slowly rises from his seat. "You know I *suggest* you get outta my face before I do something (swings pipe to shoulder) that I wanna do." Regal backs off. Taker bangs his pipe...

Some XFL cheerleaders appear in this Stacker 2 commercial

You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!

Why does this ad for "Special Unit 2" include the words "Laying the Smacketh Down?" I'd tell you, but that was a rhetorical question.

Countdown to WrestleMania X-Seven: X-Seven Days Left!

WOW! The Rock paces about!

Our hosts set up the next special video package

Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Vince and Trish...and Shane...and so on

Shane is standing by at the WWF Studios in Stamford, CT - he'll talk to Jonathan Coachman later

Meanwhile, a black limo pulls up - I guess there's a mic in there since we can hear the Helmsleys. The bike and pipe are unattended - H is ready to exit and tip it over, but he gets back in when Taker enters the picture. "Hey! Hey! I want you to show me how you're gonna take me out! Let's get this done!" Taker pulls the keys and grabs his pipe - after breaking the window, H leaves through the opposite door - Taker stalks him - "Show ME how you're gonna take ME out..." "Put the pipe down!" After a slow walk around the car, two police cars pull up, sirens blaring, and six cops get out. "I guess you're on payroll, too. This ain't over! Dammit!" And he throws the pipe down. "Dammit!" Taker assumes the position. "Go ahead - yeah I been there before. Yeah I gotta lotta rights. Oh is that right? Uh huh. I'll bet you enjoy this. yeah, I understand - I understand everything." Then H flies in and gets a free shot - Taker asks if that's all he's got on his way to the car. "See you in the can, Dead Man!" Steph: "What are you gonna do when he gets out?" H's face turns to fear - guess he didn't think that far ahead. They walk off as the cars take off, again with the sirens.

Eat with Kurt Angle at WrestleMania, thanks to Kmart!

XFL on NBC hype

Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago

The Helmsleys react to what just happened - Regal comes in and asks if they're all right...then reveals that it was he who called the police after Taker threatened HIM. H says he wants to press full charges, and Regal says he'll take care of it. "Regal's a good guy." "Yeah...I think he'll make a pretty good commissioner."

At the WWF Studios in Stamford, CT, JONATHAN COACHMAN sits down with SKIPPY:

You know, Shane, a lotta things have happened since last Monday on RAW - you made your return, attacking your father...but now a lot of questions really need to be answered. The first question I have for you is, where have you been all these months?

Coach, I've been focusing on the business that I was born into - this business, the business that I love. The business that's in my blood. You know, ever since I was little, I've always tried to emulate my grandfather and my father - you know, being a good businessman. In a lotta ways I'm exactly like my dad - lotta ways I'm not. And I'm definitely not proud of what my father's been doing in the core part of the business - the core part being what happens out in the ring. His actions of late are absolutely deplorable; in fact, I'm embarrassed to share his last name.

Think about this, Coach, let me ask you a question - how would you feel if your father, what type of father would do this - drag his wife, my mother out to the middle of the ring in Madison Square Garden and belittle her and scream at her and ask her for a divorce. How would it make you feel?

How would it make you feel if your father manipulated...his own daughter, for the benefit - to put, to put her mother....in a sanitarium by giving her a nervous breakdown, where she's treated like a animal and drugged up every single day - how'd that make you feel? How would it make you feel if your own father was proud of the fact that, flaunted the fact that he was having an affair with a woman who is the same age as his own daughter. And what type of horrible human being would drag his own wife, my mother, out on the stage in front of everyone to see, to show that affair to her face? What type of man is that? And no one does anything about it, and you know what - I blame myself. Because I should have been there, soon-- I shoulda done something about this. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, and myself being a man, I gotta stand up for what I believe in. Last Monday night when I walked out on that stage, I didn't know what I was gonna do, but with every step I took, looking my father directly in the eyes, I became angrier ...and angrier...and angrier, and when I stepped through that ropes, when I stepped through those ropes, and I looked my father directly in the eye - the very man who created me, I started to shake - my adrenaline was flowing, before I knew it, I had no idea what happened. I unleashed a flurry of violence all over him. Looking back at it, it made me sick to my stomach what I did - my striking my father to the ground. Made me sick. On the other hand, and maybe this makes me no better than my father - I took pleasure in beating him on the ground. He got exactly what he deserved. I don't know what ramifications my father has in store for me, and frankly I don't care - he can cut me out of the will, he can disown me, he can fire me, whatever. But like this interview, Coach...the relationship with my father is now over. It's over.

Hey! The Dudleyz carry a table as down the hallway they are WALKING!

"Monster Booty?" "MONSTER BOOTY?" Wreckx-n-Effect's "Rump Shaker?" 2 In a Room's "Wiggle It?" A *CRAZY* voiceover saying "Wanna make new friends? Wanna be more popular? Then get MONSTER BOOTY - the phattest booty tracks of all time!" Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back," Duice's "Dazzey Duks," "Whoomp! There It Is" by Tag Team, "Join us in the celebration of the Bootiest Maximus with the hits of MONSTER BOOTY!" Salt-N-Pepa's "Shake Your Thang," Reel 2 Real's "I Like to Move It," Bell Biv DeVoe's "Do Me!" and get your "I Brake for Monster Booty" bumper sticker! Doin' Da Butt! Doin' Da Butt! GOOD GOD IT'S NOT EVEN NINE PM YET

Kurt Angle shills SmackDown!2 - ahh, that's better

You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!

And now, the WWF Overdrive of the Week, brought to you by Greyhound! From RAW, Christian goes into overdrive when Buh Buh Ray - wait, Buh Buh Ray Dudley goes into overdrive when - no, D-Von's overdrive...umm...who knows.

THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ (with the TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO (with Earlier Tonight) in a handicap table match - Cole announces the official attendance as 15,623 - I KNOW you care. All three men stay in the ring - Jericho wondering which one will strike - Buh Buh Ray makes some funny moves, so Jericho turns his way - and D-Von gets him in the back. Overhand forearm, right, right, right, right, right, right, I think I got 'em all, into the opposite corner, Jericho pops out with a clothesline. Chop, chop, kick, kick, kick, into the ropes, reversed, kick by Jericho when D-Von puts his head down...but Jericho runs into a powerslam. Tag to Buh Buh Ray - open shot, right, scoop...and a slam. Regal watches on the monitor. Fistdrop. D-Von's getting the table as Jericho ducks a swing from Buh Buh Ray, then dropkicks the table into D-Von! Clothesline by Buh Buh Ray - Paul Heyman on Byte This! Friday! Buh Buh Ray positions him for the second rope senton (!) which misses. Both men up slowly - it's Jericho with the right, right, into the corner, spinning heel kick. Crowd chanting "Table." Springboard dropkick for D-Von - bulldog for Buh Buh Ray, Lionsault MISSES. Scoop and a slam by Buh Buh Ray - "What Are You Doing?" Testify dance. D-Von, forward my mail! Regal grins broadly from his office. Table is in, table is set up, Jericho is as mackerel. Buh Buh Ray on the second rope - D-Von ready to feed Jericho to him, but he backflips out of the hoist and shoves D-Von's head into Buh Buh Ray's crotch, clotheslines D-Von out - he's gonna give him a Frankensteiner through the table! Whoops, no - D-Von moves the table out of the way in time. D-Von back over - right hand for Jericho. D-Von puts the table back on it's legs - crowd chanting for 3D but it's only D-Von - trying for a ... reverse suplex maybe? Jericho counters out, though, and hits the suplex - but Buh Buh Ray pulls THAT out of the way - not in time as D-Von DOES hit the table, collapsing the legs, but referee "Blind" Jack Doan rules that the table didn't break - plus, Jericho isn't booked to win, see, so... Jericho with a double leg takedown on Buh Buh Ray - Walls of Jericho! Buh Buh Ray actually taps, but the only way to win this match is to break a table. D-Von with the clothesline to the back of the head to break it up - and he's got another table in the ring. Jericho manages an uppernut on D-Von - off the ropes, but D-Von drops and dumps him into 3D - through the table!! Dudley Boyz win. (4:37)

Regal approves of what he's just seen. Then, Kane walks in uninvited. "Oh, hallo, Kane, how are you?" "I wanna match with Triple H, and I want it tonight." "Yes, I'm sure it would be wonderful - would you like a spot of tea?" "You don't seem to understand me. You called the police on my brother - well there aren't any police here right now. Now you make that match, do you understand me?" "Umm, yes, I certainly do, so you shall have your match, that's a wonderful, splendid idea, splendid idea. You go and have your match - wonderful." Kane walks off, leaving Regal to shake his teacup vigorously.

Wanna shred? EAT RAVIOLI just like Team Xtreme

Another look at the Pond

Another look at the XFL

Our commentators attempt to make me care about the XFL again - I'm thinking about calling my local media and DEMANDING they NOT cover the XFL.

Rock has found another camera to pace in front of!

Meanwhile, Grand Master Sexay plays "Pie" on a ghetto blaster. "Listen to this, this is what I'm talkin' about right here - this jam is EEEILLLLLL. Yeah! You feel it, you feel that beat? I know if you like this, you're REALLY gonna like this!" He plays "Turn it Up." "That's what I'm talkin' about!" He starts dancing. "Ha ha! See what I'm talking about? Now, listen, man, listen - ever since my homebody Scotty 2 Hotty went out, he's been injured, I've been looking for somebody to keep Too Cool alive. And tonight I gotta match with Right to Censor, but I need a partner. Now I know you're one of the baddest, you're one of the phattest...you're one of the....most humbest mcjumbist guys I've ever seen, so I'm asking you tonight: Will YOU be DOOOOWN with Too Cool? Hah?" The camera finally pans right to see .... Steve Blackman! The master of deadpan! He hits stop on the radio. "Listen, man - you promise to keep your mouth shut, I'll do whatever you want." "Oh yeah! Oh YEAH. That's what I'm talkin' about..." Then he starts dancing again...

Hmm, that show is laying the smacketh down again - I STILL won't watch it

Nor will I buy Stacker 2 because there are XFL cheerleaders in their ad

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY, fresh off commissioner stooge duty, stands with Kurt Angle, who rolls his eyes when hearing Debra's name. Kelly brings up Austin's earlier comments... "Blah blah blah blah blah! You know what, Kevin - Stone Cold can talk all he wants - we've all heard it before and believe me, I was touched. But this isn't Stone Cold's interview, this is MY interview, and I have a very important announcement to make. I have just been told by Commissioner Regal that my request for this match tonight against Stone Cold has been granted. Tonight's match will be....no disqualification. Oh yeah. Oh, and another litle tidbit - Commissioner Regal has *also* informed me that if for some reason Stone Cold is, say, physically unable to make it to WrestleMania, his spot in the main event will be taken over by one man: Your Olylmpic Hero."

TONIGHT: Stone Cold vs. Kurt Angle - no disqualification!

WALL BUCHANAN & GOODFATHER (with Steven Richards, already in the ring) v. GRAND MASTER SEXAY & MR. PARTY TIME (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) - Sexay dances while Blackman looks at him like he's Al Snow. Kaientai host Heat on Sunday! Goodfather shows Sexay's vest exactly what he thinks of it by kicking it around. Sexay: "hey man that's my vest!" Blackman and Goodfather start up - kick by goodfather, overhand forearm, right - into the ropes, Blackman somersaults under the right, front kick, kick, right, right, into the ropes is reversed - missile shoulderblock by Blackman! Scoop...and a slam, drops a forearm, fistdrop, grabs a leg and drags him to Sexay for a tag - they make a wish. Right by Sexay - whip into the corner is reversed - splash misses when Sexay gets the boot up - getting jiggy on the second rope - leaping over a charging Goodfather, gutshot, DDT! Bulldog - no, Goodfather throws him into the corner and he crotches himself. Tag to Buchanan - holding him for a top rope double sledge that, through the magic of editing, turns into a clothesline after they cut. Stomp, scoop...lifting him as if he was going to hit a fallaway slam but drops him forward with a backbreaker instead. Crowd chants "We want ho's!" Front slam - runing to the corner, "will he won't he" leap into the clothesline off the ropes - 1, 2, Blackman saves it. Into the ropes, big boot by Buchanan. Springboard stomp. In the corner, kidney punch, right, another shot to the innards - into the corner, Sexay steps out of the way - kick is caught, but Sexay hits an enzuigiri! Sexay crawls...the wrong way, but manages a dive the right way to make the HOT TAG! Buchanan gets a kick after Blackman ducks - into the ropes, spinning elbow, knockdown for Goodfather, quick martial arts display - "who's next!" Buchanan gets a spinebuster for 2 - Goodfather breaks it up, then does some stomping on Blackman. Sexay in as Buchanan holds Blackman - springboard dropkick to Goodfather! Right, right, right, right...Buchanan still holding Blackman as Richards tries to come in with a chair - but Tazz leaves the commentary position and gives Richards the Tazzmission! PRAISE THE LORD, THEY LISTENED TO ALL THE PETITIONS! Anyway, Blackman reverses Buchanan's arm lace into a death suplex and shoots the half to get the pin. (3:54) Tazz clotheslines Buchanan out of the ring for good measure. Tazz goes back to headset and tells us he's sick of the Right to Censor and he's sick of Richards. Meanwhile, Sexay calls off Blackman's music and offers some magic shades. Blackman says he's not doing it, but the crowd is loud - the shades are on - oh, wait, now he's saying let's do it! Sexay does the American Males clap - everybody in the building does...except Blackman.

Thanks to: The Cubs Fan

BLACKMAN IS FUNKY! I especially like the move he does where he bobs and points to Sexay. WHOA! MOONWALK! SPLITS! Spinning roundhouse kick! He's like the Cat, but white! IT'S PARTY TIME! Blackman says that's it so they hit the crossed arms pose and the turnbuckles light up...

Kane! Is! WALKING!

XFL on UPN ad

WWF: The Music (Volume 5) ad - available at Wherehouse Music Stores!

Earlier Tonight, Undertaker had some fun with Triple H...and the fuzz

THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Can't Act and SmackDown! is brought to you by Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli, fanchecks.com, and Squaresoft, makers of "The Bouncer"...and a WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) v. KANE - hey, MOTÖRHEAD is in the crowd! And haven't *they* aged well? H looks ready for Kane to bring it on...only to leave the ring as soon as Kane slides in. H waits for Kane to set the turnbuckles ablaze before getting in - but Kane lands the clothesline. Clothesline, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, referee "Blind" Tim White is up to 5 so Kane steps back...and H flops to the mat. Kane dares him to get up - H pulls himself up in a corner - Kane on him, but H gets up a kick - ducks a clothesline, hits a right, right, tries to whip out but Kane reverses and H goes over the top to the floor! We've had the flop and the flip and it's only been a minute! Kane puts H's head into the steps - right hand, right - H flips over the barricade into the crowd - he tries to escape up the ramp, but Kane is after him - right hand, right, gutshot, to the Ovals - head goes THUMP. Kane's saying something but I know now what - big, BIG press - he's gonna throw him off the stage!! Oh man, White's a spoilsport - standing between Kane and the edge of the stage and refusing him the move. Kane gives White a look - and H sneaks in a right. Right, right, right, Kane teeters - going for the KO but Kane pops him isntead. H with a gutshot, right, heading back down the ramp, right, H gets a running start on the clothesline! Now to ringside - whip into the STEEL steps by H. Give that a Double Feature. Kane rolled back in - whip into the ropes is reversed, Kane with the gutshot - ANOTHER huge press by the Machine - and tosses him to the mat. Off the ropes with the elblow - 1, 2, H rolls a shoulder. Into the ropes, head down, H manages a facebuster. H ducks a clothesline and hits his neckbreaker. Right hand as Kane gets up - kick, kick, kick, crowd chants "slut" - Kane reverses a whip and gets the big boot on Triple H - now he's going to the apron...flying clothesline coming up? WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW walking down the aisle - Kane turns to look at *him*, and H manages to beal him off the top into the ring. H almost piggybacking on him from behind, holding his chin with his left hand and popping him with his right. Now mounting him for another dozen quick rights. Head to the buckle - Kane deciding it's time to stop feeling pain - another shot to the turnbuckle - NO SALE. Right by H...nothing. "Gimme another one!" Right, right, right, right, H with a double choke - and puts H in the croner - right left right left right left right! Into the opposite corner, H walks into a sidewalk slam. Scooped up on the shoulder...powerslam coming up. Kane up top once again - this time the clothesline is going to hit! Cover - 1, 2, NO!! Kane pointing to Show - Show pointing back. Back to H - into the ropes, H ducks, head down, H manages a DDT. H going up top - that'll cover the Flair spots for tonight, I think...as Kane walks over to grab him, Show is down to ringside - Kane lets go of H to deliver a right hand to the Show, taking him off the apron to the floor - H comes off but lands in a choke - CHOKESLAM! Cover by Kane - White is *still* talking to Stephanie with his back to the action. Show pulls out Kane and gives him the Final Cut on the floor! Back in and the Pedigree makes it academic. 1, 2, 3. (8:00) I'm not much of a lip reader, but I think H is saying something naughty. Standing over Kane...but Kane puts up his arm in a choke!! Show comes in to make the save. He turns to Triple H to make sure he's okay, which allows Kane just enough time to recover and put SHOW in a choke! H with a kick to the nuts from behind, though - and it's Big Show hitting ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM - play HIS music!

Kurt Angle is knuckling up! And now he's WALKING!

Meanwhile, Stone Cold Steve Austin is WALKING!

And Rock has found yet *another* location for PACING!

Here's a Special Video Look at "the road to WRESTLEMANIA" - it looks like these packages are advancing with more and more recent action each week. Plus, dammit, that *is* a catchy song there.

Hey! This is the last night to register for the free meal with Kurt Angle! Does that mean we'll be spared Kmart ads for the next two weeks?

KING KURT ANGLE (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover and Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. STONE COLD DOT COM (with no WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover...because who'd want to buy Steve Austin's theme music? Har har har) with no disqualifications - Can these guys top their previous matches now that it's "no DQ?" Austin pulls Angle out and they trade punches - now it's only Austin - right, right, right, right, head to the STEEL steps, right, right, pulls him up, right, right, clotheslines him over the barricade...and follows - right, right, right, Angle trying to find escape in the crowd, nothing doing, right, BODYSLAM on the concrete in the crowd!! Brought back over the barricade the hard way - to the STEEL steps - head to the steps. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner: "Are you EVER gonna put this in the ring?" Head to the commentary table by Austin. NOW they're in the ring. Scooped up...and tied to the Tree of Woe! Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp (that's eleven) - flips a bird to Hebner - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Austin outside - what the hell, use the bell - Angle manages to release himself from the corner - and he's heading outta Dodge up the ramp. Austin leaves the bell behind and goes out after him - but as Austin turns him around Angle uncorks a MASSIVE clothesline which takes Austin down to the metal! Angle with a stomp - stomp, stomp, right, head to the apron, moving around the ring, *Austin's* head hits the STEEL steps - but he manages to dump him on the barricade as he charges him! Austin rolls Angle in - now he's got a chair to bring in with him - Angle into the ropes - what a spinebuster!! Austin grabs the chair - looks like it may be time - POINT OF THE CHAIR into the knee! Again! AGAIN! AGAIN!! This is brutality! HE'S GONNA PILLMANISE IT!!! Austin up to the second rope - Hebner *pleading* for him not to do it but having no effect - Angle hurredly rushes the chair off his leg and heads out - he's got the bell with him! Austin doesn't see it - approaching Angle - DING! Angle is out on the floor - Austin is out in the ring - and IF YA SMELLL is just plain *out*, heading to ringside, regarding the situation...and throwing Angle back in the ring!! Crowd chants "Rock E" as Angle hooks Austin's leg - 1...2...NO!! Rock decides to take third headset. Angle is up and Austin is not - stomp, stomp, stomp. It's suplex time - here's a death suplex to start it. Stomp. Angle goes outside and gives Austin an elbow to the heart. Back in - right - right. Angle has the chair - running at Austin, but he gets a boot up and puts the chair into Angle! Austin back towards Angle - Angle blocks and hits a belly-to-belly! Angle back up - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp - that's Austin-esque, there. Austin pulls himself up - gutshot, Angle right, Austin right, Angle, Austin, Angle, Austn, Angle, Angle, Angle(!), off the ropes but Austin hits the Thesz press! Nineteen rights, a quick double up yours, and there's number twenty! Angle tossed to the outside and Austin is going strong - Austin gives Rock a look - then puts Angle's head into the table. Austin takes *Rock's* chair and heads for Angle - "this is YOU, Champ" - but Angle hits a gutshot before he can swing - then whips Austin inot the Rock! Angle has the chair - who's he going to use it on? He has some time to think about it - both Rock and Austin are up - Angle swings - Austin ducks and Rock takes the blow!!! Angle goes ahead and WHACKS Austin one anyway. Angle is a man possessed! Double Feature of the chairshots. Austin is back in the ring, dead weight for the bodyslam by Angle. He's going up top with a whoop - MOONSAULT!! 1, 2, *shoulder up*! Rock is just geting up, as well - and he doesn't seem too pleased in his look to Angle. Rock head up to the apron as Austin gets back up - Austin ducks a clothesline - KICK WHAM - no, Angle shoves him off - into the Rock! Rock falls to the floor - Austin falls into the ANGLELOCK!! Austin refuses to submit - Angle turns the ankle further....but Rock is in to break it up! Right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Rock removes his shirt...but turns to Austin!! He's poised, he's ready, he's waiting...ROCK BOTT--NOOOOO Angle from behind before he can do it! Right hand by Angle, right, right, into the ropes, no Rock holds on and pulls him into ROCK BOTTOM! BUT AUSTIN IS BEHIND - KICK WHAM STUNNER ON THE ROCK!! Hooks the leg of Angle - ONE, TWO, THREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! (10:50) Throw him a beer! He doesn't catch the second one and it lands on Angle. The third one almost hits Hebner, who has to dive out of its way. And we're outta time, fans! SEE YA!