KINGS UPDATE: 48-22, first place! Two games up on the Lakers, who the Kings can't EVER beat.

It's UPN - it's Thursday - it's...you know

One World Leader Attitude - TV-PG-DLV - WWF!

LAST MONDAY: You missed the big WCW news? Go read the RAW report!

Opening Credits

PYRO OUT THERE - coming to you on tape 29.3.1 from the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, MI (taped 27.3) and airing on the United Paramount Network with WrestleMania mere *hours* away...THIS is WWF SmackDown!

How would *you* start out tonight's show? That's right, pick the guy *not* in the main event - THE NEW MAN and STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT are out, accompanied by some boys in blue who surround the ring - and sure enough Triple H has his lack of main event participation out to the forefront....but quickly turns to the man who interjected himself into his life by letting him know he couldn't beat him. H warns Taker that up until now, he's only seen a little itty bitty portion of what he's capable of (hmm...two "ofs" in the same sentence?). H says that his yard is smack dab in the middle of his world. Let Us Take You Back Three Weeks to RAW: "Now Undertaker, were you...'running the yard' when I had that chair across your throat? I coulda choked you out that night, Dead Man...but I was just playin' with ya." Let Us Take You Back to Last Week: H asks if Taker was runnin' the yard when he split him open with a sledgehammer - so badly that the picture went black and white. Let Us Take You Back to Monday. Was Taker running the yard when he cracked his spine with the steel chair, costing him the win? "You see, Dead Man, up until now, you've been doing a lot of talking....you've been doing a lot of bleeding...and I've been doing a lot of (beep) kicking." Taker says he can't beat him - but up until now...he's not tried. Once he started, he's been beating him day in and day out - at WrestleMania it will all come to an end. "At WrestleMania, Dead Man...you will get the chance to play the Game. And Dead Man...when you play the game - you - will - lose." ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' DOT COM is ready to provide response - from more than twenty-five feet, we all hope! New "Try Me: I'll Make You Famous" T-shirt on the Dead Man. "Now let me see if I've got this right. If I play the Game...I'll lose. Is that right. Well let me give you a little bit of history....you know, when I was just a little bitty Dead Man, I had to go to school just like everybody else. Unlike everybody else, though, when it came time for recess, they used to send my (beep) home. Do you know why they sent me home? Because I don't play games. I didn't play then - I sure as hell don't play now. Now I couldn't help overhear you make reference to my yard and how I run it. Now I know you're feelin' pretty proud of yourself for the sixteen staples - but let me tell you this: sometimes when you jump over that fence, and you end up in the big dog's yard - that dog, it don't move. So what do you do, you move a little closer. That dog - he still just sets there. So you move even...just a little bit closer, and that's when that dog raises up his head. And that's when you realise...that's what that dog wanted all along. So now you're standin' there, Triple H...you're too scared to fight - and it's too far to run - and that, my friend...is when the dog gets his bone." Stephanie tells him he better stay right there, then shrieks about the restraining order being violated. "Princess - Princess - shut your face. Ya see, I figured if I showed up here tonight, you'd have Johnny Law here waitin' on me. So I made a few phone calls. The first call was to a lawyer. The second call was to a bail bondsman here in Detroit. Because if I go to jail tonight, you can rest assured, I will be out in twelve hours. Now the third call was to 9-1-1. Because I believe your husband is about to be in the need of medical help." Taker parts the sea of cops, hits the ring, and lets loose with soupbones all over H - soupbones and lefts - then tossing H into the column of cops behind him! Taker unloads some more on H - the cops finally manage to pull him back - but not before Taker gets an exclamation point that puts H over the top rope and out to the floor! Taker duly gets cuffed as his music plays one more time.

It's Kane! And he's SINGING!

It's Kane! And he's SHOPPING!

"Don't Try This At Home" PSA

Moments Ago, Stephanie made dogs howl - and Taker made Triple H's head throb what with all the punching action it had to take

During the Break, Taker asked the cops if they could stop for donuts on the way. No, REALLY.

Coming back "live," the Rock is WALKING! Commissioner Regal stops him and tells him Austin isn't too happy with Rock's actions on Monday - he'll be here soon - and Vince McMahon has asked Regal to make sure nothing happens to his main event, so he's asking him to go to his locker room and stay there. "Aren't you the guy that drank pee last week?" Regal attempts to reiterate his message from McMahon - Rock interrupts and calls him "some sort of messenger boy." "You listen to me, *I* am World Wrestling Federation Comm--" "and I am THE ROCK - the WWF Champion - the one who stunned Stone Cold Steve Austin last Monday on RAW." Rock says if Regal wants him to go sit in his dressing room during his show (SmackDown!), then......"no problem." huh?

ACOLYTES (with Jacqueline - and SmackDown! is brought to you by Stacker 2, Whacko Tobacco, and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli!) v. X-PAC & JUSTIN CREDIBLE (with Yahhhhhhhhhlbert) - Sunday, the Acolytes team with Tazz against the Right to Censor - and you can't wait! Credible and Bradshaw start - to the corner, knee by Bradshaw, overhand right, right, right, knee, overhand, chop, into the opposite corner, boot up by Credible. Ducks a clothesline, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, and Bradshaw hits the big boot. Head between the legs - but 'Pac breaks up the powerbomb attempt. Tagged in - and runs into a lariat. Tag to Faarooq, open kick. Right, into the ropes, 'Pac ducks the clothesline and hits a spin kick. Into the ropes is reversed, 'Pac hits hard, then runs into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2. Tag to Bradshaw. Double shoulderblock, elbowdrop by Bradshaw, Credible breaks it up at 2. Bradshaw tosses him and goes out after him...only to end up on the wrong end of a bicycle kick (Cole: "scissors kick") by Albert. Tossed back in - double suplex - 'Pac covers, but Bradshaw kicks out with authority at 2. X-Pac right, right, right, Bradshaw right, right, right, into the ropes, 'Pac ducks, spinning heel kick. X-Pac going up top - but caught - big boot for Credible as he comes in - fallaway slam for X-Pac. Can Faarooq get the tag? Yes! Doubel clothesline, right for 'Pac, right for Credible, 'Pac into the ropes, powerslam - aw nuts, RIGHT TO CENSOR is out - this brings TAZZZZZZZZZZZ away from the commentary table to join the brawl on the floor. Faarooq, who had hit a spinebuster and was covering, ends up taking a scissor kick (Cole: "bicycle kick") from Buchanan - X-Pac covers and (of course) gets the pin as referee "Blind" Teddy Long finally turns back to look in the ring. (3:22) Tazz is loaded back into the ring for a Stevenkick - then Richards holds him for a Censor Shot from Venis. Venis also clotheslines Faarooq and gets to stomping. Bradshaw is getting his from Goodfather and Buchanan on the outside. Play their..."music!"

A black limousine with a "Nitro: WCW 1" plate pulls up backstage...and Shane McMahon exits the limo. He's WALKING! He walks by Eddie Guerrero and Kurt Angle, who is still adamantly insisting to anyone who will listen (like Guerrero) that he most certainly did NOT tap out on Monday.

XFL on UPN hype

The Countdown to WrestleMania stands at *3* Days Away! Hey, that's a tribute to Dale Earnhardt!

Shane catches up to the Hardy Boyz and they have a brief chat about nothing special.

Your lone host is MICHAEL KING COLE - Moments Ago, Tazz got his and he ain't returning

Coming out of the replay, Cole is joined by PAUL HEYMAN, who tells Cole "ixnay on the aneShay." They are not to mention WCW on the air - hmm, sounds like familiar WWF territory...

CHRIS BENOIT (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) and TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST v. EDDIE GUERRERO (with "WWF: The Music [Volume 5]" CD cover) and KING KURT ANGLE - ahh, so *that's* why Guerrero and Angle were hanging out earlier. Angle and Test start - Test would rather look at Guerrero, so Angle strikes first - right, right, right, right, right, tag, right, right, right, right, badmouth, right, into the ropes is reversed, Test presses him - and lets him drop. Right, powerbomb, 1, 2, Guerrero kicks out. Right by Test, right, into the ropes, Angle gets a shot in the back, clothesline by Guerrero. Head to the buckle. Blatant choke - tag. "Angle sucks!" Right, right, right, into the ropes, Test holds on and reverses, full nelson...but Angle's trick knee acts up. Fortunately for him, referee "Blind" Tim White had chosen THAT moment to look at Benoit. Angle floats around and puts on the anglelock! Test is a long man, however, and hits the ropes. German suplex! Angle holds on for two! Oooh! Angle holds on...no, back elbow by Test, elbow, right, right, into the ropes, head down, kick by Angle - off the ropes, double clothesline puts both men down. Benoit hasn't been in yet and he wants that tag. White is up to five...six...tag to Guerrero, tag to Benoit! Clothesline for Guerrero, one for Angle, chop for Guerrero, ducks an Angle clothelsine, German suplex, Guerrero from behind to prevent two, Guerrero with a full nelson and Angle throws rights - Test positions himself behind this action and runs up - but everybody ducks the big boot but Guerrero! Angle tosses Test outside, Benoit axehandles Angle through the ropes to the outside, backs into Guerrero and slaps on the crossface! Guerrero doesn't take long to tap. (2:57) Angle is up from behind and HE gets on the anglelock! Benoit taps for effect - play the Patriot's music! Angle and Benoit fight on Sunday - as do Test and Guerrero for the Euro title.

In the commissioner's office, Debra pays a visit. Regal asks where her husband is...Vince McMahon will hold her personally responsible if anything happens to Austin OR Rock to harm the main event...she has influence over both (as wife and manager respectively) and she'd better use it. Debra says it ain't far and stamps off.

And now, the WWF Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz! From RAW, Vince announces his acquisition of WCW - or so he thought. Shane boots that thought from his mind...

Shane sucks up to Billy Gunn, who sucks up right back. Stephanie catches up and tells Shane that Vince is insane, then shrieks a lot. Shane reminds her that he not only owns that other company, but he still owns a piece of this one, so has every right to be here. Stephanie relays that Vince will KILL him at WrestleMania. Shane seems unfazed.

And it IS a Street Fight Sunday - Shane McMahon vs. Mr. McMahon - with Mick Foley as Special Referee!

Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Mick Foley yadda yadda yadda - and when I say "yadda yadda yadda," what I mean is FUHFUHWID - this time we get a nice video inset of Foley's "firing" from 18 December 2000 but still don't get the logic behind the "stack of documents" storyline gimmick.

Regal tells Austin he's late, who the hell does he think he is, and so on. Austin decides to continue walking before Vince's message can be relayed...

Meanwhile, Vince McMahon and Trish Stratus arrive - Vince is unhappy that somebody's limo is parked in his parking place. "Who you driving for, pal?" "Shane McMahon sir!" "Shane McMahon? Shane McMahon? Shane is here in Detroit?" Trish points to the WCW license plate. Vince makes another face and off THEY go...

Local inset hypes the XFL Demons game on Sunday

Here's an exterior shot of the Joe - whoa - along with a TV-PG-DLV ratings box

Hey look! Legendary boxer THOMAS "HITMAN" HEARNS in the crowd!

Let Us Take You Back to Monday - this time the clip package revolves around the main event tag team match - again I hit that special button that makes the pictures go faster. TEN THOUSAND of you wrote me email pointing out that Austin drank Busch NA and that NA stands for Non-Alcoholic but honestly, I didn't care then and I don't care now. If it ain't light beer, I can't make my joke about it, so move on. But hey HOW ABOUT THAT STUNNER BY THE ROCK

STONE COLD DOT COM is out to have a few words with us. "This is real simple. I didn't come out here to just flap my gums - I got something to say to the man face to face, so Rock...bring your little carcass to the ring right now. And just so I make myself clear, I ain't askin', I'm tellin' you to bring your carcass to this ring." Crowd: "Rock E!" Music: "No chance / That's what you got" - yep, it's BILLIONAIRE VINCE, hoping once again to create a little Austin/McMahon magic just in time for WrestleMania - or maybe not, who knows. We'll find out together. "I said I wanted the Rock, not a jackass!" "Now listen. I've had a bad...bad coupla days as of late, and I'm not gonna let - SHUT UP! - and I'm not gonna let you...I'm not gonna let you ruin my WrestleMania. Oh no, I told the commissioner and I'm tellin' you, this WrestleMania main event is gonna make it to this Sunday, and I don't know what you've got in your mind, Stone Cold Steve Austin, but it's not good, so I would advise you to get the hell out of the ring - that's right now." Right hand for McMahon, kick, kick, kick, until McMahon rolls out - just as IF YA SMELLLLL DOT COM's music hits. This is quite a staredown here. Vince is content to sit on the floor and watch. "I'm glad you come out here, Rock, 'cause I got something to get off my chest. Last Monday night, you did something to Stone Cold Steve Austin ain't never been done before. You gave Stone Cold Steve Austin a Stone Cold Stunner. And not only that, when you finished givin' me the Stunner, you proceeded to drink Stone Cold Steve Austin's beer. And I know - you're in my space right now, you might want to back up - (he doesn't) - you might not believe me when I say this, Rock, and I don't give a rat's (beep) if you do or not anyway, but I respect what you did, because like I said, ain't nobody ever did that to Stone Cold Steve Austin before. Gimme a damn beer. Gimme one more beer." Austin pops 'em open...hands one to Rock...IT'S BUDWEISER, EVERYBODY! "Since you like drinkin' beer so much all of a sudden, I thought I might make a little toast to the Rock. Here's to your...health...here's to you...happyness...and here's to you, Rock - walkin' down that aisle at WrestleMania as the WWF Champion...for - the - very last time!" Austin toasts beers hard enough to make them both spray and foam quite a bit. Rock ponders his situation - Austin pours what's left of his down his throat - as Rock swipes the mic away. "Rock E!" Dammit, when's one of these guys gonna turn heel already? "Well that was a fine toast, but the Rock has a toast of his own. Here's...to YOUR health. Here's to YOUR happiness. And here's to your (beep) getting whooped at WrestleMania!" And HE clinks the beers together nice and hard. Austin freezes...then throws a right - each man trades rights in quick fashion - double leg takedown by Austin - McMahon gets animated and calls for the entire REFEREE CORPS to pull them apart - of course, this, they completely fail to do. McMahon calls for more help - THA 1 BILLY GUNN, TEST, CRASH, MR. PARTY TIME and the ACOLYTES come out - stil not much help. The COPS file out as the Acolytes finally grab Austin and take him out through the crowd - the rest of the group holds back Rock behind them. Now the cops stand between the two groups

A camera runs backstage to catch up to the pull apart - each man is deposited in a different locker room - leaving Vince alone in the hall outside.

Kane Stacker 2 again

And again

"WrestleMania: The Official Insider's Story" book & DVD ad

Moments Ago - friends don't let friends have rough toasting

Vince runs down his week for Trish - Monday, he lost WCW to Shane - tonight, he almost lost the WrestleMania main event - oh, and his jaw...spying Shane talking to Chris Jericho on the monitor, Vince quickly takes his leave of Trish. "You stay here - I'll be right back."

MATT HARDY (with Jeff) v. RHYNO (wyth Edge & Christian ...and Edge's music - and the WWF Overdrive of the Week, brought to you by Greyhound - Rhyno goring Lyta from RAW) - Paul really, REALLY likes Rhyno. Matt is all over Rhyno with fists of fire - into the ropes, reversed, head down, kick by Hardy, back to the punching, off the ropes, but runs into a clothesline. Rhyno with a running knee to the head while Matt lies against the ropes. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. Damn Rhyno looks much smaller - head to the buckle, right, right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, boot up by Matt. Second rope...Rhyno punches away before Hardy can strat to try for the tornado DDT. Rhyno going up as well - Matt punching him away - flying clothesline lands. Christian up - Christian down. Hardy sidesteps the gore and Rhyno rams the buckle - Twist of Fate as Edge comes in, then Jeff, completely destroying referee "Blind" Mike Chioda's view of the match - Christian in to hit a Tomokaze (Cole: "Unprettier") on Hardy - Rhyno covers - and gets the fall. (1:40) Edge and Christian bring a ladder into the ring...but Jeff takes a chair to Christian's back and Edge's head. Hardyz with the ladder - clotheslining Rhyno...and taking down Edge. Hardy positions a chair, gives Rhyno the Twist of Fate on it, and Jeff hits the swantonbomb. Jeff, get the tables. Hmm, that sounds familiar. One table slid into the ring...but the pyro hits and the DUDLEY BOYZ run out - they have new music but we don't hear it long - the ring is cleared of Hardyz, the table is set up, and Rhyno goes for the ride - 3D! Dudley Death Drop! Through the table! Play their music! It's revenge for Spike!

Backstage, Vince McMahon catches up to Chris Jericho and reminds him that he's under contract to the WWF. "Of course I am, Vance. I wouldn't worry about it. Just shooting the breeze - everything's fine, Junior." "I'm NOT Junior." Vince walks off...and Jericho grins broadly.

XFL on NBC hype

I think this is like the LONGEST AD BREAK IN THE WORLD

Moments Ago, we got a taste of TLC II - well, that's how THEY put it

Vince is back with Trish - Shane's left the building, so he feels a little better; however, he feels an anxiety attack coming on - he'd feel a lot better if Trish would go out and compete with Ivory in a bra and panties match. Trish decides she's up for that...so to speak.

BONG - "Rollin'" hits one more time - but wasn't Undertaker in jail? Out comes a Beautiful Titan Bike with a fist in the air - but that fist belongs to THE NEW MAN. Heyman: "The Undertaker is dressed JUST like Triple H! How insulting!" Triple H calls for STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT...or, more accurately, for the sledgehammer to be brought out. Q: What happens when a sledgehammer and a motorcycle collide? A: The motorcycle loses. H does a better job of busting up the bike than Edge & Christian did a month ago. NICE shot on the headlight. After tossing it off the edge of the stage, inspiration appears to strike the Game - and he shoves the bike off the edge of the stage. It lands with a pretty satisfying THWACK even though H had to try pretty hard to shove it off the stage - do motorcyles have a "nuetral" 'cause this one couldn't have been in it. Anyway, here's your replay.

Backstage, Regal (who now appears ready for action) catches up to Debra and tells her Vince McMahon needs to see her post-hatste.

And now, the WWF Burn of the Week, brought to you by Stacker 2! Rock Stuns Austin - then drinks his beer!

Vince tells Debra that it's not personal...and he doesn't want her to think he's doing what he's doing because of her husband (whose guts he hates), but not because of any of Austin's actions - he has to take action when it's appropriate. She failed to keep the Rock in check, so he'll have to relieve her of her managing duties - she's no longer the Champion's manager. Debra complains that this isn't fair. "Sometimes LIFE isn't fair - I'll see you at WrestleMania." Hey, we just got Debra out of the main event! COOL!

TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL v. IVORY in a "bra and panties" match - or will we? Ivory appears to be less than receptive. "No way, no no no no no! NO WAY am I going to participate in this degrading bra and panties match. I would NEVER, EVER comprompise my morals or my standards! This is completely degrading! Trish Stratus, haven't you been humiliated enough? You have just been--" but Stratus grabs her and pulls her in. It takes all of TWO SECONDS for Trish's shirt to come off - and Ivory tries to cover her chest with it! Stratus begs off and takes her down to the mat - and gets to throttling. Before you get too bored, here comes THAT SLUT CHYNA, who pulls off Ivory - Stratus walks off as Chyna strips Ivory to bra (flesh) and panties (white). Play her music! (No contest? 1:04 or so)

Chris Jericho is WALKING!

Meanwhile, Kane is WALKING! Heyman says they can't POSSIBLY team up tonight given their coffee-stained history...

WrestleMania spot - I don't know if you're aware, but the title match pits the Rock against Steve Austin

WWF: The Music (Volume 5) ad - get it at Circuit City!

Commentators shill "Special Unit 2" - good luck

WILLIAM REGAL and WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. KANE (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) and CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - "This Sunday, WrestleMania 17, the biggest event of the year...that miserable specimen Chris Jericho is going to be humiliated beyond belief. That foul little toerag has besmirched me once too often - he has soiled me tea, and he has jumped me from behind like the coward that he is. Well! No longer. Because this Sunday, live on pay-per-view, I will not only become the new intercontinental champion, but I will make Chris Jericho feel like he's been hacked up with a bloody hatchet!" No pyro for the show - we gotta set up Kane's! I guess. Hmm, Jericho got his pyro too. I guess they're just depushing Show, har har. Jericho and Regal start. "Y2J" chant. They still haven't locked up - ahhh, it's the old switcheroo as Show clubbers Jericho from behind to start. Another forearm in the back. Elbow to the back of the head. Don't forget Daylight Savings time starts BEFORE WrestleMania does! Into the ropes, duck, dropkicks the knee, kick, right, right, kick, off the ropes but Show just presses him up...and lets him drop. Show gives Kane a look...stands on Jericho...and walks over him. Regal will get the tag, open kick, kick, Euro forerarm, chop, left, left, left, into the ropes, head down, kick by Jericho, ducks a punch, flying jalapeno off the ropes, bulldog, right right right right right, tag to Kane, right, left, right, head to the buckle, into the opposite corner, follow lariat. Gutshot, nice suplex - nice wacky selling by Regal as he was put into position as well. Kane drops the elbow. Tag to Jericho. Open kick - chop, into the ropes, reversed by Regal, ducks the clothesline but Show lowers the bridge and Jericho goes outside - overhand forearm - rolled back in to Regal - stomp. Picked up for a double knee uppercut. Butterfly suplex...gets 2. Regal covers again - another 2. A third cover - another 2. Is this our main event if our referee is "Blind" Earl Hebner? Must be a talky final segment. Chop by Regal - into the opposite corner - Regal climbs the ropes to stop himself, catches Jericho's kick...but also catches the enzuigiri right in the mush. Both men are down - tag to Kane! Right hand puts Regal down - another right after he gets up - into the ropes, big boot. Scooped up on the shoulder...and powerslammed down. Kane is still looking Show's way - so he come sin - block, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, into the ropes is reversed, head down, kick by Kane, gutshot, uppercut, Show is teetering - Kane with the choke...but Regal is back up and attacking from behind. Kane puts him down with one right - then gets caught in a choke from the Show. But here's Jericho to save with a missile dropkick! Kane clotheslines Show out of the ring - Regal ducks a swing from Jericho, going for a death suplex but Jericho flips out - double leg, Walls of Jericho! Show back in - choke on Jericho - ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM! But Kane is on top - and hits the flying clothesline on the Show! But here comes CAW CAW CAW, his hair bright red - Kane takes HIM off the apron with a single right hand. Meanwhile, Regal has a fire extinguisher - and puts Jericho down with a big shot to the head. Regal Stretch applied - Jericho quickly taps (4:29). Outside on the floor, Show hits the Final Cut on Kane. Raven tries to get some of the Show - and ends up tossed into the STEEL steps. Regal's chest is hamburger, but he and Show are the only ones left standing.

Sunday, it's the Rock vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin for the WWF Championship!

WWF Axxess ad - it's Friday through Sunday!

Don't forget - it's 3 DAYS AWAY!!

Here's a look at WWF New York

Here's a Special Video Look at our WrestleMania Main Event - One Last Time (except for Metal, Jakked, LiveWire, Superstars and Heat) and one last time before WrestleMania for me to say FUHFUHWID - just one more fight and I'll be history - hmm, clips from earlier tonight in letterbox format? I smell POST-PRODUCTION

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY walks with Austin, who is walking away from the camera. And now, just for Tom Carroll, a transcript of Austin's last words. "This whole setup has been nothing but a buncha (game show cuckoo) from the start! Vince McMahon makes my wife the Rock's manager - (game show cuckoo)! The Rock gives Stone Cold Steve Austin a Stunner - (Star Trek door chime). The Rock drink's Stone Cold Steve Austin's beer - that's more (game show cuckoo). Bottom line is, Kelly, and look at me you (Bell Labs test tone sequence). And I told everybody, the bottom line is Stone Cold Steve Austin NEEDS to be the World Wrestling Federation champion! You (oh, all right - 'quote from R2D2.' HAPPY?)" Austin looks back...then takes off again, angrily throwing his bag ahead of him. Credits are up and we're out.

See ya at WRESTLEMANIA!