KINGS UPDATE: Of COURSE the Lakers finished first. You know why? I HATE THE LAKERS. They finish 55-27, one game behind and the third seed in the west - they face the Suns Sunday and Wednesday before I subject you to more hype...

UPN - Thursday!

TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

REMATCH is the title for this set of clips - "Go Read the RAW Report" is what I like to call it

As the opening credits (close captioned) roll by, a crawl appears at the top of the KMAX broadcast - "Meet WWF Superstar, 'IVORY' at Marine World, tomorrow from 1 to 3pm..." - remind me to lecture them on the proper use of commas

Look! Up in the sky! Coming to you from the Gaylord Entertainment Center in Nashville, TN 19.4.1 (taped 17.4) Transmitido en espanol SAP and broadcast on the United Paramount Network, THIS is WWF SmackDown!

COMMISSIONER REGAL gets first ups tonight - he's already booked a table match between Jericho & Benoit and the Dudley Boyz, what's next? "Hello to all my good friends in Nashville! Hello! Now, as my first decree this evening, I would like to have right now In This Very Ring the presence of the Undertaker and Kane. ... Come on!" "Ass hole!" Looks like we had to wait for them to set up Kane's wall of flames and cue up Limp Bizkit's "Rollin'" but here come the FUN BROTHERS in a slow walk down the aisle to the ring. "Now, I don't know who you two think you are, but I will not have you coming out as you did on Monday night, in RAW, while Stone Cold Steve Austin and Triple H were celebrating in the ring. It will not be tolerated - you should not interfere in people's business! So what I suggest you do is stay away from Stone Cold Steve Austin and Triple H, as I'm sure they will stay away from you. Now Kane, seeing as you look ready for action, I think it is only fair for the people of Nashville to see you defend, RIGHT NOW, your hardcore title against a man - against a man who will be accompanied by his good friends, Edge & Christian, at 280 pounds...Rhyno."

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: RHYNO (with Edge & Christian & referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas) v. SCOOTER (with Taker) - Edge and Christian take turns eating soupbones while Kane throws Rhyno out of the ring. Everybody outside - Taker tosses Edge and Christian over the barricade and follows. Back in the ring, Rhyno tries some rights, into the ropes, reversed, big boot by Kane. Looks like the other three are outta here - flying clothesline off the top by Kane! Kane motioning for the big choke - got it - chokeslam! But up from behind are STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN and THE NEW MAN - and they've got chairs. He may be a Big Red Machine, but even HE can't take a solid minute and a half of chairshots. Finally, they roll him onto his back - BIG chair edge to the sternum by H - twice by Austin - Austin directs Rhyno to cover him - 1, 2, 3 - ladies and gentleman, we have a new Hardcore champion. (2:31) Taker is back, too late. Austin and H back up the ramp, making sure to make gloating faces. Wow, Rhyno's music sounds a lot like Triple H's music...oh, wait, that *is* Triple H's music.

Moments Ago - last paragraph - I counted a dozen WHACKS, and a dozen edges.

During the Break, Kane sold his left arm - commentators speculate that it may be broken.

RIGHT TO CENSOR DOT COM (with Ivory) v. APA & KAI & TAI (with wwf.com logo) - Bradshaw will start with Venis as soon as referee "Blind" Teddy Long can bring about some order - check that, it's Funaki and Richards. Funaki does the sumo warmup dance, but Richards attacks him in mid-crane (admittedly, not a traditional sumo move) - right, right, into the ropes, Funaki ducks the clothesline and hits a flying headscissors. Tag to Michinoku - did they just mock the RtC salute? Richards runs at them but they both duck - drop toehold by Funaki, bow and dropkick to the face by Taka. Richards manages to drive Michinoku into his corner, though, and a four-way poundin' turns the corner. Venis in - right, right, right, opposite corner, Michinoku out of the way, but eats a back elbow coming in. Venis up top quickly - crossbody ALSO misses - Michinoku comes in...and goes down to a Venis clothesline. Into the ropes, BIG spinebuster. Venis quickly goes to that pretzel hold I don't know the name of - Bradshaw boots Venis to break THAT up. Tag to Goodfather - open kick. Taka put in the corner - kick, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, Long pulls him off. Back up - BIG hiptoss out. Death suplex. 1, 2, Faarooq breaks it up. Venis in behind Long's back - stomp, stomp, stomp. Tag to Buchanan when Long *is* looking - into the ropes, double back elbow. Short clothesline. Picked back up for ANOTHER short clothesline. Running stomp. Michinoku sat up top - Buchanan going to the second rope - but Bardshaw pulls him off before he can deliver! Buchanan shoves Bradshaw off the apron - Faarooq in from behind with a forearm - Goodfather up behind HIM - well it's all breaking down now - Goodfather and Funaki going outside and (go figure) Goodfather is taking charge - Funaki over the barricade. Bradshaw gets a powerbomb on Richards, which takes HIM out. Buchanan put into the ropes - doube spinebuster on him. Taka, STILL sat on top after all this, comes off with a kneedrop - 1, 2, 3! (4:21) Sake for all! Venis has quite a reaction to this loss...

Here's a Special Video Look at Tommy Maddox - I've been told he wasn't good enough to make it in the NFL, but you just tell that to the Los Angeles Xtreme!

The Fun Brothers are WALKING! Taker says he'll get some revenge for his brother tonight. He asks the nearby extras which way to the commissioner's office? Of course, they quickly point in the right direction out of fear. "Do me a favour - call 911, wouldja?"

Taunting Kane on a Scooter is more stupid than taking Stacker 2 (which is also pretty stupid)

So's dissin' the man while he's in the "ten items or less" line

Hey! Jakks Pacific "Backstage Mayhem" action figure ads are BACK! And the Big Boss Man's figure is ALL over them!

When we come back, it's to the locker room we go, where Grand Master Sexay is admiring his reflection in the European title...which "Hey homie, why don't you get your paws off my hardware?" "Latino Heeeeeeat! Wassup? You ain't gotta get all wiggity wack - I wasn't sweatin' your gold, dawg!" "Dog? What do you mean by dog, ese? Are you calling me a pooch? Huh? A dog? What, what, are you gonna put a leash around me, walk me all over the dressing rooms or what, man?" "No, no, chill out man - you got it all wrong. You ain't gotta get so hot...tamale." "Hot - tamale? Ohhh - so now I'm a DOG you feed tamales to. I mean, what are you trying to imply here?" "No, man, no no no, you got it all the wrong way. What I need to do is I need to take you to the club and show you some of those hip hop moves - you know, show you some of that right there, woo hoo, you know, gimme some, gimme some.....gimme some." "Yeah, all I'm gonna give you is a hip hop all over the ring." "Oh...in the ring? Okay...in the ring...bling bling." This was pretty wiggity weak, yo.

Does Shane affix that "WCW 1" license plate himself to every limo he rents?

Taker demands an explanation from Regal - then decides he'd rather have Austin and H given to them - and after that, Edge, Christian and Rhyno. Regal says he's not inclined to grant their request. "Kane, would you show Mr. Regal what happens when you get upset?" Kane points off camera and a trashcan starts burning. Regal decides maybe they CAN have a match with Edge and Christian. Kane also sets a potted plant on fire, and Regal decides that if they win, they can have Austin and Triple H. Oh, by the way, that tag team title match will be "no DQ." Taker and Kane leave...after Kane sets Regal's desk on fire. Wow, I'd almost forgotten he could do that!

"Please don't burn things at home" PSA

Moments Ago - and the kicker is, *Kane managed to do all this with a clipped wing*

Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: GRAND MASTER SEXAY (with WWFTooCool.com & SmackDown! is brought to you by Foot Locker, WWF: The Music [Volume 5] - get it at Record Town & Camelot, and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli) v. EDDIE GUERRERO (with "WWF: The Music [Volume 5]" CD cover) - Sexay leads the crowd in a little "American Males," then starts dancing - probably he *should* be paying attention to his opponent - kick, right, stomp, right, into the ropes, back elbow, stomp, into the ropes, duck, Sexay slides under, gutshot, neckbreaker. He's raisin' the roof, yo! Right, right, into the ropes is reversed, boot up by Sexay, on the second rope, wiggity wiggity, but Guerrero ducks under. Sexay lands on his feet - gutshot, DDT, 1, 2, kickout. Guerrero rolls outside to think about things - but not far enough away - Sexay lands a dropkick through the ropes. Up the aisle we go - right by Guerrero, right, right, Sexay comes back with a right and another right - wow, bulldog on the ramp! Sexay rolls him back in - going up top...but the splash misses! Guerrero with the double stomp (PERRO AGUAYO!) head to the buckle, four shoulders in the gut, right hand, out into the other corner - Sexay stops himself and waits for him to come in...backdrop into snake eyes! Guerrero catches the kick - and ALSO catches an enzuigiri in the mush. Sexay puts him in the ropes - big back body drop. Right, right, poppin' and lockin' right, head to the buckle, into the opposite corner is reversed, Sexay up and over, waistlock, standing switch, Sexay with a reverse elbow, going for a figure four but Guerrero kicks him into the post and rolls him up for 2. Kick by Guerrero - death suplex - Guerrero going up top...this could be it...nope, Sexay over before he's up - right, right, right - Guerrero is teetering...Sexay grabs him - SUPERPLEX! Sexay too slow to make the cover - instead, he spies his goggles - he's going up again! Guerrero grabs referee "Blind" Tim White's ankle. White struggles to free himself - and ends up hitting the ropes, crotching Sexay in the process! Guerrero rolls him up (AND uses the ropes - why not?) to get the 1, 2, 3. (4:38)

Vince McMahon tells Regal he's got some explaining to do to Triple H and Steve Austin. Regal tells them that they can use the "no DQ" stip to their advantage. Before he gets into that, Vince tells them some levity is needed - and asks them to watch what he does with Shane. Boy, talk about forcing it in there.

"WWF Divas in Hedonism" video ad

"WWF: The Music (Volume 5)" ad

And now, the WWF Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz! From RAW...hmm, this looks more like from WrestleMania, since it's Linda rising from her chair - and Shane hitting a Van Terminator

LILIAN GARCIA stands with Rhyno, Edge and Christian. "First of all, Lilian, controvery rules! And Rhyno winning the hardcore championship is just a sample of things to come, because tonight there is a totally huge problem, but that problem isn't Edge and Christian's, it's the Undertaker's and Kane's, because WE are the big game hunters...and if you're a bettin' man (or woman), bet on Edge and Christian, because it WILL pay dividends." "And not only are the big game hunters, Lilian, we are the big game players. You see, we've been up against big obstacles in the past - maybe not as big as Taker and Kane, but E&C have always walked out the World Wrestling Federation tag team champions, and besides all that...we not only have a plan, we not only have THE plan, we have a plan that REEKS...of awesomeness."

BILLIONAIRE VINCE walks to the ring as we learn that Trish Stratus will host Heat. "So, this is Southern hospitality? Y'know...you know, it's not enough - it's not enough that ["ass hole!"] ... you know, it's not enough that - that my son (Shane) came back to the World Wrestling Federation and assaulted me, here In This Very Ring. It's not enough that my son (Shane) flew down to Atlanta, Georgia and literally, right out from underneath my nose, STOLE WCW from me! It's not even enough that my son (Shane) at WrestleMania, *flew* from one side of the ring, all the way over to the other, driving a trashcan to the side of my head! Naw, naw, hell no, that's not enough! No, it's not enough because you see, apparently Shane-o Mac is uh, is he stalking me or what's the story? Apparently showed up on RAW the other night. Well, not enough that Shane is here tonight, yeah! I saw you, Shane-o, pull up in your big "WCW #1" limo - yeah, and by the way, just for the record Shane-o, I never really wanted to buy WCW in the first place. Okay? But apparently, apparently, Shane-o, you've got something important to say to me, so if that's the case, I wonder whether or not you've got the guts to come right out here, In This Very Ring, and confront your father - confront me (Vince McMahon) face to face - what about it, Shane-o, huh? What about it, Shane-o? No guts? Huh?" "No Chance in Hell" plays once again and out comes SHANE-O, with "WCW OWNER SHANE McMAHON WCW.COM" chyron. "Well, well, well, uh huh. Well let's hear it - what's the big news, Shane-o?" "Actually, Dad, I came out here to tell you that I'm sorry. I came out here to apologise to you." "Aha! My son (Shane) apologising, it's about damn time." "Yeah, apologise - because had I known that WrestleMania would have been that much fun, I'd'a kicked your (beep) a long time ago. And you know that little company - you know the one, WCW - the one you, uh, really never wanted in the first place? (Whatever) Just to let you know Dad, things are heating up and things are gonna get real interesting around here - just as things are getting very interesting in your personal life. You know, you just continue to bury yourself - I mean, last Monday night, with your little divorce speech, you know who found that speech very interesting? Mom found that speech VERY interesting, Dad - and hear me out, so did her attorneys. So basically I just wanted to come down here and look you eye to eye and tell you that, as a quote, something from my friend Mick Foley, Dad...Have a Nice Day." "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa...before you go here, Shane-o Mac, I'm glad you and your mom and her attorney found what I had to say on RAW interesting and by the way, just for the record, I wasn't talking about divorce, I was talking about the sacred institution of marriage. Just for the record. However, I found something very interesting that YOU had to say last Monday on RAW when apparently you were having a conversation with one of your pals - let's take a look here, okay?" Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Big Show and Shane had a conversation. "Yeah, real cool - a little private conversation with you and the Big Show, and I remind you, the Big Show is under contract to ME, the World Wrestling Federation. But nonetheless, rather than have some private conversation, why not bring it all out in public - yeah - I mean, let's have a public conversation, Shane-o. You wanna talk to the Big Show, I buzzed him earliery - yeah - let's hear what you're gonna have to say to the Big Show publicly - come on down, Show. Come on down, big boy, don't make me have to come back there, come on down! Show!" WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW is out and Dieseling over the top rope to the ring. Handshake and hug for Shane - somewhat surprise for Vince. "Ah, okay. Just a - an elementary question, Show. What were you attempting to do by asking Shane to watch your match last Monday night - you trying to impress Shane? I mean, clearly, Shane would see you as I do and everybody else does - unbelievable potential! But clearly, even Shane would have to admit, you are the single biggest disappointment in the history of this business!" "Hey hey - just relax a second - just calm down, what do you think you're saying?" "All right, okay, I get it, I get it - you guys are tight - that's it. You're right. So, in essence, what we're looking for here is the Big Show is going to WCW, is that it? Yeah, I think that's what it is, Shane-o. It's the recruiting going on here behind the scenes, all right, and you know what? Congratulations. You just got your first WWF superstar in WCW - congratulations. Oh, and by the way, Big Show, congratulations to you as well. Because you know, down in WCW with Shane-o Mac, you know what? You know what's gonna happen? You get down there, Show - you know, Shane's gonna give you one of those good ol' pep talks. What? You don't remember? You don't remember Shane-O Mac's pep talks? Well, maybe - maybe this footage will refresh your memory, Show! Huh? Remember this?" Let Us Take You Back to Last Year, when Shane called Show a "pathetic, pea-brained waste of perfectly good oxygen - an unmotivated slob..." "Oh yeah, uh huh - that was a great pep talk, your'e gonna get lots of those down in WCW, and then after he gives you the pep talk, then from there he's gonna play a little game - you remember the game Shane played with you? Oh, you don't? How 'bout this one - how 'bout this game: 'break the #12 cement block over the Big Show's head?' (Still from Judgment Day 2K) I'm sure you remember that one. Oh, and if you don't remember that, let's take a look here at some poetry. Shane's a poet - you remember this?" Last Year on RAW: "Eeny, meeny, miney mo / Who's afraid of the Big Bad Show? / Obviously it's not me, so I don't know / I guess the only question left to answer would be 'which way did he go?' ... So that was the end of our little dance / As the Big Show took a ride in the waaaaaambulance." "Yeah! Great catchphrases! Uh huh - I mean, that's all well and good, but the catchphrases uses from time to time? I think you'll remember this, too, Show. Take a look." "Which way did he go, ho ho, ho ho" montage. "So now, that brings us to this moment in time - which way WILL you go, Show? Will you go with Shane-o Mac to WCW....or will you remain here, and even though, even though here in the World Wrestling Federation to this point you've pretty much squandered your opportunities, all right? It still remains the fact that you have the potential to be the biggest, meanest, nastiest WWF Champion of ALL time! That's within you, and you can do that HERE in the World Wrestling Federation , so....all right Big Show, the moment of decision? Which way WILL you go?" "What are you trying to pull?" "SHUT UP!" "I'm not trying to recruit the Big Show--" "SHUT UP I said! So? Make your choice, Big Show - which way did he go?" Show grabs Vince by the goozle...but it's all a swerve - SHANE gets ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. "Yeah WE know which way he's going, and by the way, at Backlash, Shane McMahon, it's gonna be you, one on one, the Last Man Standing, you and the Big Show." Play Show's music! Replay of the chokeslam. Golly, they finally booked a match for Backlash!

"Kurt Angle: It's True, It's True" WWF Fanatic presentation ad

Jakks Pacific "Backstage Mayhem" ad #2

You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!

Moments Ago, the TV-PG-DLV ratings box and Vince asked Show a question - and Show used an exclamation point, despite using no words in his answer

DUDLEY BOYZ DOT COM v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO (with the Smack of the Night - brought to you by Foot Locker - from RAW, Jericho gets a Regal Stretch and an anklelock - Jericho saves, and does that cool German release suplex of Angle onto Regal thing) and CHRIS BENOIT in a table match - just before the opening bell, the music of COMMISSIONER REGAL hits - he is accompanied by KING KURT ANGLE. "Once again, I grace you wonderful people with my presence! It is only ten days until Backlash, live on pay-per-view, but don't think for one moment, Chris Jericho, that you are getting away lightly - oh no, because you will face me (your commissioner [William Regal]) in a Duchess of Queensbury rules match - I will explain the rules in due course. And in addition, Chris Benoit, you will face my good friend Kurt Angle in a thirty-minute, ultimate submission match. The man who gets the most submissions within half an hour will be declared the winner. Now that I have spread such wonderful news to you both, let the tables match begin! Thank you, thank you." The Dudleyz have no problems attacking Benoit and Jericho, too busy watching Regal to realise their backs are turned to their opponents. Angle sticks around to watch. Buh Buh Ray and Benoit brawl on the outside while we watch D-Von and Jericho - boot up in the corner by Jericho, but he runs into a powerslam. Into the ropes, jumpin' back elbow by D-Von. Into the ropes, Jericho hits a flying jalapeno. Dropkick! Springboard dropkick takes D-Von outside - Buh Buh Ray in with a Samoan Drop. Benoit in, gutshot, chop, kick, whip into the corner is reversed, Benoit gets the boot up, Buh Buh Ray ducks the swing and hits the Buh Buh Bomb. Benoit with a chop, chop, Dudley puts him in the corner, slams him down - D-Von up top for "What Are You Doing?" Testify dance. D-Von, let's get this match done. I hope they're not dumb enough to ONCE AGAIN - well, holy cow, they raise the table and Jericho's baseball slide sails under them - then they ram Jericho with the table, taking him down! Golly, they're getting smarter. Crowd chanting for 3D but it's a double flapjack...but Jericho removes the table just in time. Jericho with a spinning heel kick for D-Von, but Buh Buh Ray lands a right. Buh Buh Ray putting Jericho on the table - D-Von going up - Benoit over to crotch him. Buh Buh Ray on Benoit, Jericho up and shoving him out. Benoit punching on D-Von as Jericho moves the table closer - could a double superplex be in the works? Yep, but Buh Buh Ray moves the table before he comes down. Jericho shoved to the outside. Benoit ducks a swing and goes for a waistlock - Buh Buh Ray with the standing switch, Benoit out of the full nelson, forearms in the back - BIG German suplex...holding on for two...holding on again...going to put him through the table with the third but D-Von moves the table! Jericho with a missile dropkick to D-Von! Again the table is set up in the middle of the ring. D-Von placed on the table - Benoit laying into him as Jericho gets ready to try a Lionsault from the second rope - but Buh Buh Ray grabs his ankles and knocks him down. Benoit looking to hit the swandive headbutt (!) but Angle is down to ringside - D-Von out of the way - Angle shoving Benoit off the top rope through the table! (4:31) Dudleyz get the duke. Here's a replay.

Hey look! New Mick Foley Chef Boyardee ad!

You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!

"The Fight Song" Kane & Taker video - okay, it's "Holy Wood" the title of the CD and not Hollywood Records. Hollywood Records went under, come to think of it. Either that, or I'm going to try to say something wrong every time they play this video

TONIGHT: No Disqualification! Edge & Christian take on Undertaker & Kane!

Vince wishes Edge & Christian luck...but something tells him he doesn't think they'll need it. Returning to his dressing room, Vince joins Triple H & Steve Austin in a little extemporaneous commentary of Monday's main event. By the way, they'll be talking about that no-DQ tag team title match later tonight...

Meanwhile, Molly Holly limbers up. JONATHAN COACHMAN catches up and asks her what she thinks her chances are against Chyna, coming up next. "Well, I think my chances are pretty fair. I mean, I may not be as big as Chyna, but I'm gonna go out there and do my best. You never know, Coach - (wink) you might be looking at the next women's champion." "Well good luck! Go get her!" I think he's sweet on her, I do.

Meanwhile, Chyna does some...*creepy* posing before taking off for her match

Meanwhile, Kevin Kelly's vacant gaze appears to ask "how come Coach gets to flirt with Molly while I'm waiting for Taker and Kane to fuck me up?"

Let this be the last XFL ad we see tonight (tho' we know it won't be)

"The Mummy Returns" ad

"Backstage Mayhem" ad #3

You're STILL watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN! You can tell when UPN has nothing to hype, 'cause all these bumpers revert!

Here's a look at the exterior of the GEC - and a lovely marquee.

Hey! JEVON KEARSE is in the front row! And KMAX is reminding us to meet Ivory at Marine World!

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with the Fun Brothers, who aren't much in the mood for fun. Kane's left elbow is taped. Are they ready for tonight's match? "Why don't you shut up? I swear, you ask the most stupid-ass questions I've ever heard. But what I wanna know - who was it that told Triple H and Austin that beatin' up commentators and women made them badasses. Do you know? Well I'll tell you what - when we finish with Edge & Christian, we're gonna take Triple H and Austin, and we're gonna show 'em what it's like to be a badass. Now Edge & Christian, I know that you are seven times WWF tag team champions - hell, seven must be their number, 'cause tonight, for the seventh time...they're gonna lose the WWF tag team titles. Hell, them boys gonna make a name for themselves, 'cause tonight...we're gonna make them famous."

WWF WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: MOLLY HOLLY (with wwf.com logo) v. BAZOOKA JO(ANI)E DOT COM - Holly ducks a clothesline and hits a waistlock, Chyna reverses to a hammerlock. Holly switches to a hammerlock, to a side headlock. Chyna shoves her off, shoulderblock. Holly ready to try again. Lockup, arm bar, arm wringer, Chyna reverses back, Holly cartwheels out, to an armwringer, to an armbar, Chyna pushes her to the ropes - armdrag out. Chyna dares her to bring it - Chyna ducks the clothesline, gutshot, press...and drop. Holly up in the corner and wondering what to do next. Here comes Chyna...Holly steps aside, then bulldogs her out! Cover - Chyna kicks out at 2. Holly quickly up to the top turnbuckle - plancha lands for 2. Holly off the ropes...but into a big clothesline from Chyna. Powerbomb coming up. I don't think she's getting up, Gene. 1, 2, 3. (2:15)

"And remember, don't come out 'til I tell ya - it's gonna be great. We're gonna teach Chris Benoit all about the three I's." Kurt Angle is WALKING! But to whom was he TALKING!?

"Mick Foley: Hard Knocks & Cheap Pops" video ad

Let Us Take You Back to the first meeting between the Demons and the Xtreme. Will the XFL Championship be as exciting as this game? Only if Brian Bosworth is doing the commentary, JACK

Commentators try very hard to get me interested in the Million Dollar Game....with any luck, it'll be raining, and raining hard.

TONY CHIMEL announces: "The following is a five minute submission exhibition!" Here comes KING KURT ANGLE. Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight, when Angle shoved Benoit through a table while Chioda's back was turned. As my friends from the DVDVR would say, Angle's got THE STICK: "People, I've been beating opponents my whole entire life - it's what I do. As the kids say, it's my 'thang.' And I've defeated many opponents by pinfall, and it's great, but sometimes it leaves me a little empty inside, because all I'm basically doing is pinning someone's shoulders to the mat for the count of three. But when I make someone submit, when I make him quit, and humiliate him to the point that he says 'please Kurt, please, the pain is insurmountable - I surrender to your Olympic wrath!' ...there's no better feeling in the world. And that is why I went to Commissioner Regal and demanded for Backlash, the ultimate submission match. Thirty minutes of pure torture for Chris Benoit. Oh, it's true - it's DAMN true. Thirty minutes of teaching Chris Benoit a little lesson about intensity, integrity, and intelligence. Thirty minutes that, if one man can make the other man submit, tap out the most...he wins. And that's why I'm gonna make Chris Benoit squeal OVER and OVER and OVER again...and I can tell by the cocked heads and the blank expressions out there that some of you aren't getting this (what a shocker). So I'll make it simple enough that even you can understand. Guys, come on out here! Now, these are three young locals, and they have agreed to face me in a little submission exhibition. And the rules are simple. I will place myself in the middle of the ring - and each of these young men will have the opportunity to make me submit. Good luck, guys! And Chris Benoit, I hope you're watching, because I want you to multiply this by fifty, and that's what you can look forward to at Backlash." The OvalTron already has a running clock, but maybe that's a mistake, since the bell rings now. Here's the first guy - Angle takes him down and puts on a headlock/armbar combo. The guy quickly taps. (0:13) Number two runs into a droptoehold - Angle with the front headlock - and a takedown while in the headlock - HE taps. (0:13) Extra kick in the gut for the guy. Guy number three goes for a waistlock - Angle with a fireman's carry takeover and immediately into an armbar (0:16) He tries again from behind - Angle throws him over his shoulder and goes to a jujigatame - and gets another one. (0:12) Second guy runs at him - Angle with a belly-to-belly throw - to a Dragon sleeper AND body scissors, wow. (0:15 ) Angle checks on him...helps him up...then kicks in the back of his leg and applies the anglelock, trying to break his ankle. (0:23) Referee "Blind" Tim White manages to get him to release, and he falls out of the ring. Neither of the two men remaining in the ring wants to try again - Angle actually drops down into the mount and dares them to come on. Clock on the OvalTron is down to 2:20. #3 takes a tentative stab at it - but Angle is quickly up, reversing the waistlock and rolling forward into a toehold takeover, and ANOTHER anglelock. (0:29) He's a little slower to let THIS one go. Angle down on all fours again for the last man - oops, his back is to the ramp, you know what THAT means. CHRIS BENOIT is out, tossing the last man and crossing his throat with his thumb. Benoit stands behind Angle, who looks back...and finds himself in the Crippler crossface! Angle taps (0:25) but I think Benoit is going to keep this thing on for the reaminder of the five minutes. FINALLY Benoit releases. Play his music! If I may channel Jim Ross for a moment...I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to this match.

Edge, Christian and Rhyno are WALKING!

Meanwhile, the Fun Brothers are WALKING!

Meanwhile, Austin and H are WATCHING! Wait, they're up...and they're leaving their belts behind...

WWF Backstage Mayhem ad #4

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And now, the Blast of the Night, sponsored by the JVC GigaTube! Earlier Tonight, Kane chokeslammed Rhyno - but ended up losing the hardcore championship, thanks to Austin and Triple H.

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with Rhyno) v. SCOOTER and TAKER (on His Beautiful Titan Bike) with no disqualification - Kane only summons his flames with the right hand, 'cause he's SELLING, yo. The champs are at least wise enough to tripleteam Kane while Taker drives around the ring - Taker quickly parks and hits the ring and before you know it, the ring is cleared of men except for Kane and Christian. Sidewalk slam by Kane. Clotheslien (with the good arm) - Christian ducks a clothesline and tries to grab the left arm but Kane swipes him away. In the corner, right, right, right, right. Maybe they shoulda gone for the RIGHT arm. Standing on the throat. Pikcing him up with one hand - Christian ducks, switches, right, right, right, right, climbing to the second rope - Kane shoves him off, free shove for Edge - picking up Christian on his shoulder - one-armed powerslam! One arm brings Edge in from the apron - big boot - off the ropes - Rhyno gets a forearm in the back, distracting him - but he regains his senses fast enough to dump an oncoming Christian to the outside. Taker is waiting, popping Christian with a soupbone. Kane ready to chokeslam Christian, but Rhyno is in with the gore to Kane! Meanwhile, Taker drops Christian onto the commentary table. Edge stomps on Kane's left shoulder and elbow. Hammerlock, and punching and kneeing the elbow. Kane kicks Edge away and reaches for the tag...but Edge heads him off. If it's no DQ, why doesn't he just come in? Right by Edge to the shoulder, right, arm wringer - Kane to the hair and battling back - Taker riles up the crowd - right by Kane, right, kick by Edge, armbar takedown - leg is hooked, Taker breaks it at 1. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner attempts to remind Taker that there are rules here, but Taker lunges at him, almost completely knocking him over in the process. Meanwhile, Christian is in without a tag - punching the injured elbow, knee on the elbow and yanking on the arm. Now to a short-arm scissors. Kane rolls backwards to relieve the pressure - getting to his feet - actually picking up Christian by his injured arm...and taking him ALL the way over and onto his back with a slam! Kane makes the slow crawl to the corner as the crowd goes wild - HOT TAG! But are you kidding me? Hebner didn't see it. Behind his back, Edge and Christian pull him back to their corner - now Edge gets to stompin' - 1, 2, nope. Got Kane by the hair - but Kane fires back. Right, right, right by Edge, by Kane, by Edge, by Kane, Edge muscles him into the corner - whip out - no, Kane holds on and reverses him back to the corner! One armed death suplex! Christian in - Kane clotheslines *him* down! Taker pounds on the corner - Edge over to try to stop Kane, but he uppercuts him - and makes the tag! Soupbone for Edge! Soupbone for Christian! Soupbone for Edge! Christian put into the ropes, BIG back body drop, soupbone for Edge, Christian put in the corner, soupbone left soupbone left soupbone left soupbone left soupbone left soupbone left SOUPBONE, Edge comes in - Taker puts HIM in the corner (stinkfacing Christian in the process) - soupbone left soupbone left, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, into the opposite corner, follow lariat, lariat in the opposite corner for Christian, clothesline puts Edge out of the ring - choke for Christian...but Rhyno is back in with a chairshot to Taker's back! Christian covers - 1, 2, NO! Rhyno in - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, Kane up from behind, right, right, right, choke...but Rhyno hits the injured arm and he releases. Clothesline puts him on the floor but he lands on his feet! Rhyno out after him...Kane gets up the big boot on the ramp! Meanwhile, Edge and Christian are stomping away on Taker in the ring. Kane with a chokeslam on the ramp! And now STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN and THE NEW MAN are out to doubleteam Kane. Edge and Christian, meanwhile, have grabbed two chairs - but he ducks the shot - soupbone for Edge, gutshot and Last Ride for Christian - 1, 2, 3!!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have NEW tag team champions! (8:14) Austin and H are quickly in on Taker - Austin removes his belt...but doesn't get a chance to use it as Kane is using his remaining good arm to swing a chair. H and Austin head up the ramp as Austin's music plays...and for the second time this week, another uneasy staredown closes our show.