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WWF SmackDown!




SCARY COMMENT OF THE WEEK: Ah, politics. - Herb Kunze I don't know about you, but I'm a little disappointed to see what he's becoming. No, I'm not talking about Herb...

MAD PROPS: Thanks to the extra special *KIM* for not minding that I forgot to mention her name during both recaps I wrote while in New York. Oh, and for lots of other stuff too, ha ha, ha ha.

KINGS UPDATE: I hate the Lakers. What, you expected I was gonna say something else? (0-2)

What network what day?

One TV-PG-DLV World Leader Attitude - WWF!

LAST MONDAY: Wow, trim a twenty minute waste of time down to a couple of minutes and it almost becomes palatable! And I'm sure "palatable" was the word furthest from Stephanie's mind whilst receiving yon stinkface... Go read the RAW report

Opening Credits/Close Captioned logo

YO YO YO PYRO it's 10.5.1 and it's time for action! Coming to you from the Civic Center in Hartford, CT and Transmitido en espanol SAP on UPN and the Score, THIS is WWF SMACKDOWN!

CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. CHRISTIAN (with Edge - and Edge's music, for some odd reason) - Monday, Edge and Christian tried to (ugh) retrieve Angle's medals from Benoit, only to run him into the trainer's room where Chris Jericho was happy to help out. Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & PAUL HEYMAN - Tazz has a family crisis, apparently - whoa, is that a new font? Or just sloppy post-production? Before the match begins, CHRIS BENOIT decides he'd better get an entrance, too. Here we go! Crowd chants "Y2J" before first contact. Lockup, side headlock by JEricho, chain wrestling to the hammerlock, to the opposite side headlock - powerout by Christian, off the ropes but Jericho hits a shoulderblock. Off the ropes, up and over, leapfrog by Christian, runs into a chop. Armdrag by Jericho, holding the armbar. Christian up, Jericho yanks the arm to take him back down. Still working the armbar - Christian up, using the hair to get to the corner - now holding his hair and firing away - right, right, right, right, right. Referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas complains about the closed fist. Into the opposite corner and Jericho pops out with a clothesline. Big chop, into the ropes, strange hiptoss by Jericho. Jericho onto the apron, which leaves him open for a springboard dropkick. Christian slowly gets up to find himself face to face with Benoit...distracting him from Jericho, who lands a perfect baseball slide dropkick. Christian meets the barricade, rolled back in, Jericho climbing the ladder...plancha hits - 1, 2, Christian kicks out. RC provides the Double Feature of the dropkick. Christian into the ropes, slides under, double leg takedown by Jericho...can he get the Liontamer? Not if he lets go to go meet Edge on the apron! Right cross puts Edge down, but Jericho falls into the perpendicular backbreaker. Stomp, stomp. Stomp. Christian rakes every orifice he can find. Forearm across the chest, and one more. Christian pulls up Jericho - Jericho with a gutshot, right hand puts him down. Right, into the corner, off the ropes to try the bulldog but Christian has him scouted - big lariat gets 2. Edge argues the cadence, while Benoit tries to get Jericho to fire up. Christian stomps, stomp, right, choke on the second rope. Jericho sneaks in a gutshot, right, Christian right, right, into the ropes is reversed, but Christian pulls up with a kick - running at Jericho, but he drops down and hot shots him! Both men are down and the count is on. Both men up at 4 - Christian runs into a right hand, into a forearm, finally ducks a clothesline but Jericho lands two chops - into the ropes, Jericho with the flying jalapeno. Jericho on the second rope - missile dropkick finds the mark - 1, 2, no! European forearm by Jericho - whip is reversed into a kick in the gut from Christian. Christian scoops - Jericho behind the back, off the ropes, hits the bulldog - going for the Lionsault RIGHT in front of Edge, so he *deserves* to get popped. Somehow, Korderas chose that moment to turn his back to the action and go for a stroll...ooookay. Benoit is over to take it to Edge but Christian is covering - 1, 2, NO!! Edge and Benoit still trading blows. Jericho with a chop, right, into the ropes, reversal, Jericho collides with Edge and runs into a schoolboy (and probably a pull of the tights - if only they had a camera that could catch it) for the 1, 2, 3. (5:40) Replay again misses any possible tights pull.

Backstage, Undertaker arrives...and Vince is there to meet him. He wants to make sure he and Austin can coexist tonight, now that they've had a cooling off period. McMahon warns him that if there's any physicality tonight, his title shot might be in jeopardy. Now, are you cool? "Yeah, boss. I'm Kool and the Gang."

"Don't Try This at Home" PSA

Undertaker is still WALKING! when we come back. He asks a passerby where Austin is...'cause he's got something for him. Then he removes a chain and places it round his neck. Undertaker is JYD?

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALBERT (with Justin Credible & Justin Otherguy & Let Us Take You Back One Week...and to RAW) v. CAW CAW CAW (with "WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) - X-Pac & Credible take headsets and join our commentary team. Aren't you excited? X-Pac asks why Raven can't respect the sport and buy some decent ring gear - like Credible, presumably. Here we go! Raven ducks a right and delivers one of his own. Repeat, only Albert tries a left. The THIRD time Raven ducks Albert's swing, Albert is ready with a blindside clothesline to take him down. Yah kick by Albert, right, yah kick, yaah beal across the ring. Yah headbutt. Yah kick. Into the opposite corner - Raven averts the yaavalanche...Albert counters the bulldog attempt with a forearm in the chest that takes him down again. Into the ropes, head down, Raven kicks, right, off the ropes with a forearm, ducks a clothesline, off the ropes with the dropkick - Albert stays on his feet. Raven with a clothesline that takes them BOTH out of the ring! Forearm by Raven - Albert turns it back around, scooped up on his back...but Raven runs him into the ringpost! Raven back in the ring and waiting...elbowdrop as he comes back in, the ropes....but right into the scissors kick. "Raven, fight back, yer BORING me!" Slingshot between the first and second ropes. Outside we go - hard into the barricade. "Albert's Gay" chant. Back in the ring as RC replays the throating on the second rope. BIG face rake by Albert. Into the corner...double choke as he comes out...Raven twice to the face to escape the Baldobomb...but runs into a back elbow. Albert stomps. On the second rope - yaaaaah legdrop MISSES. I still can't get over referee "Blind" Chad Patton's hair colour. Raven ducks a swing, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, but Albert runs into a big boot. Kick by Raven, kneelift off the ropes, clothesline, tries a splash in the corner...but ends up running right into a double choke by Albert. One Baldobomb later, we have a decisive victory by Albert. (4:00)

Undertaker finds the door with the smoking skull on it - I wonder who's in there. Well, I'm wrong - there's NOBODY in there. "Hey boy, where you at? Austin? You here? We gotta few things to discuss, son! Austin! Well that's all right, 'cause I ain't goin' anywhere tonight. I think I'll set right here. And when you get here, you're gonna get a few things settled...Austin." Sounds like he keeps hitting his hidden mic with the chain...anyway, he sits next to Austin's title belts...he probably won't leave without coming back for them, right?

Jakks Pacific's Hardcore Ring and Finishing Moves Action figures ad #1

Commentators shill "Star Trek: Voyager"

Austin is with Vince, pacing about - Debra has a sofa as well. "That man has got no reason bein' in my locker room, Vince! The name by the door says Stone Cold Steve Austin, it don't say Undertaker - he got no business bein' with my stuff!" Vince sympathizes but he can't just walk up to him; he's got a chain! Austin said if he didn't have the chain, he'd go in there and knock his lights out. Man, Austin's pretty WHINY. Debra...nods approvingly?

Meanwhile, Molly Holly tells Spike Dudley how impressive it was to put Albert through a table - Crash catches up to them and gets all aggressive and provoking and somehow a match is booked for later tonight. Eh. Does Molly have a thing for Spike?

Meanwhile, Undertaker rifles through Austin's T-shirts (available now at the Shop Zone) - then STEALS his Red Man! There's a knock at the door. "It's open!" It's the beer man! Undertaker says this isn't Austin's dressing room anymore - it's his yard, but leave the beer behind and he'll see that he gets it. Then he spits in a cup for dramatic effect.

Vince and the Austins react to what we've just seen. "He's got my beer, he's got my chew, what's next?" Vince tells him he's trying to bait him so he can use the chain. Let's all calm down while he thinks of something.

Meanwhile, Triple H warms up for his match with Rikishi. JONATHAN COACHMAN catches up for a few questions. "I do not need to be reminded of what happened Monday night on RAW. You're right; Rikishi and I *were* allies. We had a relationship - a business relationship. But Monday night, Rikishi screwed up. You see, he made this personal. Now tonight, I am personally gonna take Rikishi apart. You do not screw with the Game - and nobody puts their hands on my wife." Coach: "Well, he didn't exactly put his HANDS on your wife though..." and then he starts to yuk it up, until H makes him flinch - well, actually, run away. Coach is a big ol' CHICKEN

"WWF: The Music (Volume 5)" ad - get it at Circuit City

Hey, look, new Stacker 2 ad - no Kane, though, so at least you don't have to see me comment about it three or four times a report

...unlike this WWF Hardcore Ring ad (#2)

You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!

And now, Lugz presents the WWF Boot of the Week! From RAW, Eddie Guerrero shows the Hardy Boyz - and Lita - how much they can trust him.

HARDY BOYZ & LITA (with SmackDown! is brought to you by Stacker 2, the JVC Giga-Tube, and WWF: The Music [Volume 5] - available at Circuit City) v. IVORY & GOODFATHER & BULL BUCHANAN ( in civil, appropriate intergender action - still to come, Triple H takes on Rikishi! Word on the street is the RtC are shopping for a new leader - hmmm. Matt starts with Goodfather - armbar by Goodfather, pounding on it, to a hammerlock - reversed by Hardy - Goodfather can't get out so he backs him into a corner and lets referee "Blind" Tim White make the break for him. But of course it isn't a clean break - Goodfather iwth a back elbow, kick, kick, into the opposite corner - Censor Train splash is blocked iwth a big boot. Hardy tries a crossbody but Goodfather ducks it and Hardy sails over him. Into the ropes, Hardy ducks and slides under - daring Goodfather to come out - the chase is on - Hardy back in, tagging Jeff on the way - Goodfather didn't see it - blindsided by a kick by Jeff - into the ropes, Poetry in Motion - NOW JEFF'S SHIRT IS OFF SQUEEEEAL - Buchanan in; HE gets a double punch. Now, Ivory wants the tag. Everybody looks - and Goodfather tags her. Ivory points to Lita...Jeff seems amenable to making the tag. Roof blows off the joint...until Lita falls into a drop toehold. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Scoop....and a backbreaker across the knee. 1, 2, no. Backstage, Chyna watches on the Magic Window. Right by Ivory, right, into the ropes, trying a hiptoss but Lita snaps off OWWWWW a headscissors gone ouch. Armdrag by Lita - ducks a clothesline - sidewalk slam gets 2. Forearm. Into the ropes but Ivory tagged Buchanan - Lita got a tag from Jeff as well - how confusing! Somehow, White saw all this. Lita through the legs and outside - BOTH Hardys on Buchanan - White works on putting Matt outside while Goodfather takes advantage of the distraction by coming in and hitting a side suplex on Jeff. Goodfather slips out and Buchanan takes over - head to the buckle, right, left, right, right. Hmm, EDDIE GUERRERO is out - thoughtfully massaging his ribs so we can be reminded he took the gore on Monday (commentators miss it - too subtle, perhaps?) Whip into the opposite corner, but he ducks out of the way of the splash, hanging him on the buckle long enough to tag in Matt - duck, right, right, right, off the ropes with the sitout clothesline - right for Goodfather, gutshot for Buchanan, neckbreaker - Twist of Fate coming up...Goodfather comes in to prevent THAT with a hock to the back. Right hand, off the ropes...Matt lowers the bridge to take him outside. Ivory in to grab Matt's hair...but Lita comes in with a SPEAR that takes them both outside! Jeff on top - plancha to Goodfather out on the floor! Guerrero nearing the ring as Buchanan hits a huge bodyslam on Matt...then dares him to get up. Going to the corner for the "will he won't he" legdrop but Guerrero trips him up - I guess he won't! Hardy is ready - gutshot, Twist of Fate - 1, 2, 3! (4:42) Again, Matt makes the "what's that guy doing?" face while Eddie makes the "oh yes" face.

Here's a look at the stinkface from Monday - ugh

NEXT: Rikishi takes on Triple H!

Vince says he thinks he's got it...and offers his plan. Who can safely get his belongings and come out? Debra. After all, she slapped him and Taker didn't do anything about it - he'd NEVER hit a lady! Austin reacts to this plan with...acceptance. "That's the best idea I heard all day! Debra, c'mere - c'mere. I want you go to into MY dressing room and get my stuff. I want you to go get my stuff. Thank you. Thank you very much."

This month's WWF Fanatic Series presentation is "The Best of WrestleMania 1-17" - by the way, I'm PRETTY sure that two hours and ten minutes isn't REALLY "3 hours," there, WWF

LOOK! It's Hartford!

Debra catches up to Taker. "Undertaker, I'm gonna ask you once, and I'm gonna ask you politely. You need to leave my husband's dressing room right now." "What, I don't get no slap this time?" "No, you're not gonna get a slap, because I'm asking you politely to leave my husband's dressing room right now, because I am not gonna be held responsible if he happens to put a mark on you on Judgment Day." "You're asking me politely. Well Debra, I told you once...this ain't got nothing to do with the wives, but I would like you to take a message back to Steve for me." "Okay, now what is that?" So he spits on her. "Seems like you got a mark on you now." Off she goes. "Heh heh heh heh heh - WOMEN." Then he takes the WWF title and puts it over his thigh - then caresses it - eww, let's leave them alone for a few minutes.

And now, RC brings you the WWF Rewind! From RAW, Rikishi turns face - and stinkface

THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Can't Act & "WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) v. RIKASHMONEY (with logo) - Triple H has a new OvalTron video - AHHH, POLITICS. And now, a few words from the woman who probably shouldn't be wearing the hot pants - not that I'm a proper judge of fashion by ANY means. "Rikishi - last Monday night, you stuck your cottage cheese, OILY (beep) right in my face!" Good God, this is so melodramatic even Snidely Whiplash himself would say "Man, that's SO over the top - try to tone it down a HAIR, wouldja?" "You know, up close...I could actually see the discolouration of the skin between your legs. I tried to close my eyes as the sheer horror of your...pussing, pimpled, puffed...against my skin! And the stench of your lingering excretion is still in my NOSE. I can still smell it!" Pause for (ha) dramatic effect "Rikishi, Monday night..." Crowd: "Slut!" "Monday night, you made me look ridiculous...and a woman in my position cannot afford to look ridiculous. That's why tonight, MY husband (Triple H) is going to make YOU look ridiculous. Because Hunter is going to BRING YOU DOWN and RIP YOU APART. And tonight, Triple H is gonna rub YOUR face - in - it." Paul Heyman falls over himself to praise Stephanie's performance - aw, man, grow some BALLS. H strikes before the bell with a right hand - AH, POLITICS. Right, right, right, right, Rikishi fires back, H, Rikishi, H, Rikishi, Rikishi, Rikishi, H. Into the ropes is reversed, biiig back bodydrop by Rikishi - running at him and clotheslining him out of the ring! Rikishi finally gets the chance to remove his robe...and out HE goes - meeting H with a right hand. Head to the commentary table. Right. Head to the table again. H better stop selling for this guy QUICK so I can say AH, POLITICS again. Back in the ring we go - but H meets him with a forearm. AH, POLITICS. Right hand by H, right, right, right, Rikishi sneaks in a thrust. Right by Rikishi, right, into the ropes, H ducks (AH, POLITICS) but falls into a Samoan Drop for 2 (oops). H put into the ropes, head down, H with the facebuster. AH, POLITICS. Off the ropes - that clothesline gave Rikishi the triple spin! AH, POLITICS. H mounts RIkishi and throws nine quick rights - referee "Blind" Earl Hebner (is this the main event? AH, POLITICS.) manages to convince him back to his feet. Choke on the second rope. Rikishi fires back with a right, right, right, H ducks the next one and hits his neckbreaker (AH, POLITICS) for 2. H to the apron - climbing up top - trying the double sledge but THAT MOVE NEVER WORKS! and Rikishi drops down to avoid it, hitting a gutshot after H lands - H actually front flips off the move, which is pretty impressive (to me). Running clothesline in the corner by Rikishi - BELLY-to-belly suplex - 1, 2, no! H gets up a boot to stop the onslaught - AH, POLITICS. Gutshot, going for the Pedigree - but Rikishi backdrops him, then SQUASH! H tries to crawl out of the ring but 'kishi grabs him on the apron...but H manages a hot shot - AH, POLITICS. Stephanie is in the ring, distracting Hebner long enough to allow H to insert a STEEL chair into the mix - but Rikishi catches him with the RIKISHIKICK! before he can swing it - off the ropes with the DRUMSTICK DROP!! Rikishi hooks the leg - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...too bad Hebner is still dealing with Stephanie and didn't make ANY of those counts. Rikishi up - Stephanie quickly gets out of harm's way...then smiles and waves. That was SO much cooler than all her bad acting. Rikishi warms it up...but nobody's home for the fat ass splash. OHHHH Triple H got the chair - WHACK! Hebner's not gonna let that go - it's a W for Rikishi, but it wasn't a clean one. AH, POLITICS. (4:17) To make it more AH, POLITICAL, H takes advantage of the staggered 'kishi to give him a quick gutshot and Pedigree. H invites Stephanie in for "the hardest slap in the business" - yikes, who wears short shorts? Stephanie wears short shorts. Those aren't ALL shadows. Here comes TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST - trading blows with Triple H - now it's ONLY Test - KO blow! But here, WELL, IT'S THE BIG SHOW - Test in the corner - well it's a big paw, well it's a big kick to the taped ribs...meanwhile, Rikishi is up and clocking Triple H to take him outside...leaving Stephanie easy pickin's for the...wait, here comes Big Show - RIKISHIKICK! Just enough of a distraction to allow Triple H to pull his wife outside and save her. Rikishi hits the fat ass splash on Show, Test hits the Really, Really Big Boot and Show is out - but so are the Helmsleys, making their way back up the ramp and to safe haven. Rikishi is set to go after them, but Test suggests giving Big Show the stinkface first. And so....he does. Play his music! Replay of the self-induced wedgie...and slomo of the stinkface.

Debra shows off her tuhbakeh stain. Austin tells Vince that was the stupidest idea he'd ever heard in his life. Vince says he's got just the guy to get his belongings, and takes off.

Judgment Day ad

Mick Foley eats Big Beefaroni - or IS Big Beefaroni, I forget

Moments Ago, the TV-PG-DLV ratings box held court as Stephanie (almost) got another stinkface - Big Show, as they say, took the bullet for her

The Helmsleys decide to take off, 'cause Stephanie is scared of the stinky face. Triple H is starting to just walk around EVERYWHERE dressed like that, isn't he? OH HEY guess who ELSE used to have his matches in the middle of the card and go home early - THAT'S RIGHT. AH, POLITICS.

LITTLE SPIKE DAMN DUDLEY (with Those Damn Dudleyz & Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. CRASH (with Hardcore & Molly Holly & No Last Name) - lockup, quick scoop slam by Crash. Waiting for him to get back up - gutshot, Dudley with an inside cradle for 2. Forearm by Crash, into the ropes is reversed, hiptoss by Dudley, dropkick, 'rana, gutshot, going to the corner to try the 'Dog but Crash shoves him off, into the corner, and follows with a clothesline. Kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, complaining to referee "Blind" Jack Doan about his insistence to enforce the rules. Pulling him out and spiking him down. Crowd wants...something or other. Backbreaker across the knee by Crash. Stomp, stomp, stomp, off the ropes with a dropkick that takes him outside. Crash out, rolling him back in, into the corner, but Spike manages a head to the gut as Crash comes in. Crash with a powerbomb - 1, 2, no! Crash stomps on the back, stomp, elbow, vertical suplex. Crash celebrates but Hardcore tells him to stay on him. Into the ropes is reversed - Spike holds on, laces the leg, drops down, rolls forward and pins him! (2:22) Crash can't believe it - Hardcore seemed to expect it from his idiot cousin.

Vince returns...with Commissioner Regal. After Vince explains the problem to Regal, then butters him up by saying Undertaker will listen to reason - and he IS a reasonable man. Also, Taker's got a chain. Regal balks...but decides to give it a go. Austin: "Go git my STUFF!"

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Earlier this week, the WWF worked on registering voters in Connecticut - Kurt Angle, Ivory (not in RtC gear) and Bradshaw delivered words of inspiration at an area high school. That's right, with the XFL gone we're back to SMACKDOWN YOUR VOTE hype - get used to it

Regal starts to knock on Austin's door...but stops just a bit short

EDGE (with Christian, and Edge's music & Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight) v. CHRIS BENOIT (with Chris Thursday Jericho) - Didn't I see this match to start the....oh, okay. Gotcha. Feeling out process. Benoit keeps looking back at Christian - that might be important - nope, Edge tries to take advantage but only falls into a drop toehold into the bottom buckle instead. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, chop, chop, chop. Euro elbow, elbow, into the ropes is reversed, Benoit slides under, double leg takedown, WOW catapult into the buckle, gutshot, snap suplex...holding on for a second...still holding on - a THIRD snap suplex. Christian up, Christian down with a shot. Benoit back over - but didn't keep his eyes on Edge, who manages to pull him into the top turnbuckle. Kick, kick kick kick kick. Right hand, another right. Benoit tries to push him away - Edge with two more rights. Into the ropes is reversed, and Benoit buries a knee in the abdomen. Benoit bounces him off the ropes to add momentum to his armbar takedown. Back into the ropes for ANOTHER armbar takedown. Softening him up, looks like. Into the ropes, Edge ducks it THIS time, but Benoit ducks HIS swing and puts on the crossface! But Edge has the bottom rope hooked. Benoit puts Edge's head to the top turnbuckle - into the opposite corner is reversed - Benoit hits sternum first, then backs up into a clip. Edge goes outside and wraps Benoit's leg around the ringpost - Christian makes sure referee "Blind" Mike Chioda is otherwise occupied. Edge back in - stomp, stomp, stomp. Edge wrenches the leg. Into the corner again - kicking the knee, kick, Chioda pulls him off but Edge is ready to go back for more - Benoit puts the boots up. Edge back at him - catching the boot this time...but he forgot about the other one - enzuigiri! Both men are down... Both men up - Benoit ducks a clotehsline and lands one of his own. Clothesline. Chop. Into the corner, German suplex as Edge backs out - holding on for two - three! Benoit looks to the crowd, then says "that's it" - HE'S going up top - SWANDIVE HEADBUTT!! Slowly over to make the cover - 1, 2, Christian Edge out! Jericho is over to beat up BOTH of them - Benoit out to help - EVERYBODY going at it now...oh no! Edge shoves Benoit into Chioda and colliding into the ring! Chioda promptly goes out like a sack of potatoes. Edge tries to suplex Benoit back into the ring but he goes behind - forearms in the back - Edge laces the leg to block the suplex attempt, so Benoit drops down with the crossface! Edge taps but there's no ref! Meanwhile, Jericho puts Christian into the Walls of Jericho on the ramp - well, why the hell not - HE taps (as if it'll help) but again...nobody's around. What's next? Well, how about KING KURT ANGLE come through the crowd to stomp on Benoit. Yup, that'll do nicely. Olympic Slam for Benoit! And, just like that, Angle is out through the crowd, leaving Edge to hook a leg and wait for Chioda to s-l-o-w-l-y make his way over for a 1........2............3. (5:38)

Undertaker is enjoying himself a Budweiser when there's a knock at the door. "I've come to inform you that you are trespassing - you are trespassing in Stone Cold's--" "Nonononononono - you walked through that door, right? Not Stone Cold Steve Austin, it says 'Undertaker's Yard,' clear - clear as day, right on the door!" "You listen to me, you are trespassing. You need to take yourself out of here right now. It is absolutely disgraceful what you have done - the way that you expectorated your filthy, foul, dirty, disgusting tobacco juice all over Miss Debra's blouse - it is absolutely atrocious. Being your WWF commissioner, I am telling you that you need to apologise to that young lady right fact, you need to get yourself out of here and leave these premises, because I'm telling you, if you don't, I will be forced, and I mean forced to tell you--" Taker dumps his spit glass on Regal's head. Yikes! "Commissioner, don't worry about it - it's good for your hair! Heh heh heh heh heh...(it is a nasty habit, tho')..."

Jakks Pacific #4

"Foley is Good" ad

Here's a look at Times Square

Regal continues to walk and make faces as Edge & Christian catch up to him. "Yo, yo, your commissionership." "Besmirchinator! We wanna talk to you." "Yeah, we wanted to let you know...whoa, dude, what reeks?" "I had a little mishap...with some, uh, with some coffee." "Coffee? What, did you lose your coffee after someone poured crap all over you?" "No, no, nobody poured anything over me, no, I was drinking some special...English coffee and someone came up from behind and startled me and I - is there anything I can help you two gentlemen with?" Edge relates that they expect that the men they were so decisively victorious over will probably come complaining and demanding a rematch. Christian says that they'd be happy to take on the crying Chrisses again. Regal says he'll pass that along if the opportunity arises - now, he needs to freshen up. "Dude, I guess it's true what they say - tobacco IS whacko...if you're a teen." "Yeah...or a British guy."

LILIAN GARCIA stands with Rhyno, who will take a challenge from Bradshaw for the hardcore title. "Lilian, do you know how intense I get when I have to defend my hardcore title? I'm a hardcore man, living in a hardcore world, and tonight, I'm gonna show Bradshaw just how hardcore I can be." He starts off...but gives Lilian a leer before doing so.

Taker sips another beer - ooh, he's an ANGRY drunk! After throwing the beer at the wall, he spies Austin's vest. "Well, Austin - you won't come to me - I'll be damned if I'm gon' MAKE you come to me!" He puts on Austin's vest...and wraps his fist in the chain. "It's on." Then he eyes the title belts. "It's on."

The Whack of the Night is presented by the Lorillard Youth Smoking Prevention Program! From Insurrextion, Bradshaw answered the open challenge, and accepted a little help from Test on his way to pinning the Big Show.

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: ACOLYTE BRADSHAW ( - with logo) v. RHYNO THE MAN BEAST (with Heat hype - Big Show hosts!) - lockup, "ECW" chant, Bradshaw shoves him to the ropes - knee, forearm in the back, whip is reversed, shoulderblock by Bradshaw. Knee, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, head to the gut by Rhyno. Right, right, into the ropes, head down, forearm in the back by Bradshaw, chop, right, chop, right, Bradshaw ducks under and puts him on the outside..and follows. Bradshaw with a knee - head to the steps - head to the steps again. Bradshaw grabs the steps and tosses them into the ring - Rhyno rolled back in - Bradshaw back in - steps to the head! Rhyno rolls outside. Bradshaw tosses the steps out but Rhyno's away from there. Bradshaw out - Rhyno with a trashcan lid from under the ring - WHACK!! WHACK! WHACK in the back. Whip is reversed and Rhyno almost takes out a tech guy. Bradshaw with a boot, putting Rhyno out into the crowd. And here we go - Bradshaw rams Rhyno into a wall, then pulls a metal bar off the bleachers - swing and a miss. Gutshot by Rhyno, right, right, right, Bradshaw with a knee - and through the doors we go. Walking some more - Rhyno comes back with two shots to the gut - head to a heavy case. Right, whip into the cases. Rhyno tries the gore, but Bradshaw steps aside and Rhyno takes out some cases instead. Bradshaw with a forearm to the back, right hand, climbing up the cases as RC presents the Double Feature - Heyman decides this might be his last chance to call it tonight and busts out "GORE! GORE! GORE!" They're on top of a big equipment case - is Bradshaw gonna powerbomb him up there? Nope - Big Show emerges with a block of wood - which he breaks over Bradshaw's back. Show runs Bradshaw shoulder-first into a case. Well it's a big headbutt. Here comes a chokeslam through a pallet. "Let me ask you a question: who needs protection now?" Rhyno is quickly over to make as Average White Band and pick up the pieces - Teddy Long on the scene - 1, 2, 3. (4:26)

Meanwhile, Undertaker is WALKING! Also, he's wearing Austin's vest, carrying Austin's belt, and dragging Austin's chain - wait, that's his own chain

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TAKER is rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin' out on his Beautiful Rude American Bike, clad in Austin's vest and WWF Championship. By the by, RC Cola presents Judgment Day LIVE from the Arco Arena in Sacramento, California in ten days! RC: it's cola for people who are cheap! Taker has the stick...but first, let's bask in the glow of this happy crowd. "This whole night hasn't been about Judgment Day - it hasn't been about the WWF title (although I must say, it looks DAMN good on me) - tonight I wanted to find out whether Stone Cold Steve Austin was a man and had a set. Now I waited for him all night in his own damn dressing room, and he wouldn't show his face. So what I'd like to know now: is Stone Cold ready to come down here and get his ass kicked?" We pause for the reply...which is the expected playing of "No Chance in Hell" and appearance of BILLIONAIRE VINCE. "You know something, Undertaker - I asked you when you showed up here tonight whether or not you had cooled off. I asked you whether or not you thought you and Stone Cold could coexist in the same arena on the same night, and you said 'oh yeah, you're cool - you're Kool and the Gang.' Well first of all, I don't think you're very cool, and I damn sure don't think any of your gang is very cool either. As far as wondering what sort of a man Stone Cold Stever Austin is, he's at least TWICE the man you'll ever be. [ha - somebody showered Vince with confetti - Vince either doesn't skip a beat, or didn't even notice] Because, you see, Austin wouldn't be coming out here with a chain around his neck! No no no - Austin doesn't need a weapon, you see? If Austin was gonna call you out, he'd call you out like a *real* man, so if you are a REAL man, why don't you just take that chain from around your neck...just drop it off in the corner over there somewhere out of the ring." "Is that what it's gonna take? Is that what it's gonna take to bring him down here? Well I'll tell you what - I don't need this damn chain...I don't need this sorry-ass vest..." "Well wait just one moment because I've seen you do this before. All right? You're still wearing Stone Cold Steve Austin's WWF Championship belt around your waist - I've seen you - I've seen you use that as a weapon - so, if you're in such an obliging mood, you'll take that from around your waist (it doesn't belong there anyhow) and drop THAT right over in the corner, too." "I have grown sort of accustomed to it, but if that's what it takes...I'll take this...drop it on the, it's just me and these two soupbones waitin' on your boy Austin." "Well not quite. You see, because I know the kinda man you are. I've seen you at work. And, uh, get off that chair. I want every damn one of these folding metal chairs over here out of the Undertaker's way. Give me that chair, I said. Yeah, because you're not gonna get your mitts on these things - GET OFFA that chair! So now - NOW then, you know what's gonna happen? You know what all you people are just about ready to see? You're about ready to see the Undertaker's ASS kicked." The music hits and MY NAME IS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN walks out to the ring - then runs to the ring - soupbone, right, soupbone, right, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone! Taker waits for him to get up - soupbone! Up again - soupbone down! Taker puts Austin in the corner - left, soupbone, left, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone - oops, Vince is up from behind with a chair - whack - that was rather ineffectual there. Taker turns round and gives Vince the "oh I can't BELIEVE you just tried that with ME" look - Vince rares back but Taker has him in a choke before he can swing. CHOKESLAM! Austin quickly up from behind with a forearm to Taker's back...kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Austin grabs the chair - rares back - but the flames and music hit and KANE is back. Austin - is he showing FEAR in his eyes? Austin rolls out and tries to meet Kane with a chairshot but Kane has the boot up and gets him right in the face! Taker is out - soupbone! Austin stands against the post as Taker readies the chair - Austin ducks to make the missed chairshot sound more impressive. Taker chairs the steps, missing again (but again making cool KLANG noises) Kane is around the other side - Austin has nowhere to he climbs over the commentary table and goes out through the crowd! McMahon also takes this opportunity to head backstage. Keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin' the music hits, Taker and Kane hit the ring and hit some poses - and it's time for us to watch the replays and then hit that send key, 'cause the show - and this report - are OVER!

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