TV-PG-DLV One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
LAST MONDAY: Overly emotional (and bizarrely tinted) clip package from RAW - go read the RAW report
Opening Credits/Close Captioned Logo
BE YON SAY another Thursday night, another big show, and another big pay-per-view is just three days away! Coming to you from the Freedom Hall in...what's that, Tom Jackson? ("Louisville.") 17.5.1 (taped 15.5 - happy birthday, Drew!) and transmitido en espanol SAP on UPN and the Score, it's time to GET DOWN on SMACKDOWN!
THE FUN BROTHERS, CHAIN & TAKER are out first. "Now I ain't in much of a talking mood tonight, so I'm gonna make this short...and sweet. Monday night, some sorry (beep) called the Cincinnati PD and told them that my wife was in a car wreck...and then this same person decided to call my wife and tell her that her mother was in a wreck. Well, come to find out everybody's just fine. My wife's fine, her mother's fine...there was no wreck. And I tell you what, when I find out who made these phone calls, they're gonna wish they were in a car wreck, because what I'm gonna do to them is gonna be far worse than any (muted, dubbed) [damn] car wreck. You see, the pain that I felt Monday - this person is gonna feel that pain so many more times over that they're won't even be able to imagine what I'm gonna put them through. So that brings me to the question: who did it? Now I'm no betting man, but if I had to put money on it, I'd say it's that bald-headed, no good gutless son of a (beep) Austin. So if it is Austin...I got some questions for him tonight, and he better have the right damn answers. Because when he gets here tonight, his (beep) is mine! I've already warned him once - mess with my family, and I will hurt you. So Austin, believe this: when you talked Monday night about the rumours of my wife's mangled face...I want you to understand...that if you don't have the right answers, the rumours about mangled faces and broken bodies will become a reality." Kane sets off the turnbuckles - which cues the music. ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' did Taker forget his lines towards the end there?
Meanwhile, 2Xtreme chats in the locker room about Eddie Guerrero, with whom they are once again teaming tonight. "You think we can trust him, or does he have his own agenda?" Matt says he doesn't know, but he *has* helped them in the past...and even on Monday, he turned on his only two friends in the WWF. Jeff offers that if he'd even turn on the Radicalz, it only PROVES he shouldn't be trusted. Lita reminds them that even Chyna warned me not to trust him... This whole time, Eddie has been quietly listening in behind their backs. "Hey, you know what? I wouldn't trust me either! By the way...we're next."
Mick Foley feeds the need with Big BeefaRONI RONI RONI RONI
And now, the Blast of the Night...brought to you by the JVC Giga-Tube! (I don't think it REALLY has more lights than Times Square, by the way) From RAW, Eddie Guerrero proves just what kind of a team player he is by chairing Perry Saturn & Dean Malenko.
HARDY BOYZ (with Lita & wwf.com logo) and EDDIE GUERRERO (with "WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) v. R2DCALZ (with Nipples) and JERRY LYNN - the Radicalz theme plays, and on the OvalTron Guerrero's name is still in there. Probably means nothing, though. Didn't Lynn and Malenko just fight last week? Oh, wait, that was on a show that doesn't count. Saturn goes right for Jeff and it looks like we're off. Wow, he's gettin' to MAULIN' there. Whip into the opposite corner is reversed, but the reversal is reversed and Saturn puts him back. Nice belly-to-belly overhead suplex by Saturn. Hardy comes back with a sitout jawbreaker, the scales the ropes for a corkscrew moonsault. Free shot for Malenko - shouldn't have done that, as Saturn gets the opening and bowls him over. Tag to Lynn - right, right, kick caught...enzuigiri caught as well, in the head. Into the ropes, HArdy hangs on and nobody's home for the dropkick. Double legdrop between the legs by Hardy. Jeff brings him over to the corner - both men offer their hand, but Matt gets the tag. Doubleteam kicking as Eddie looks annoyed. Into the ropes, reversed, clothesline caught, hooked into an arm wringer, Matt with a shorts clothesline. Again, Lynn is brought to the corner - again Eddie wants the tag - Matt double-clutches but DOES make the tag. Interesting that there's no Radical opposite him - open shot, right, right, into the ropes, Lynn reverses, Guerrero slides under - tilt-a-whirl backbreaker! Guerrero looks to the Hardyz, then runs at Lynn, who drops down and puts him on the apron. Guerrero hangs onto the top rope to avoid the floor - blocks a punch from Lynn, right, back elbow for Saturn as HE tries to run the apron, head to the gut for Lynn but he went in too far and catches himself on the second rope. Guerrero falls to the floor. Lynn dares the Hardyz to come in, keeping referee "Blind" Jack Doan from noticing that Malenko and Saturn have assembled on the floor and are tearing apart Guerrero. Double flapjack onto the barricade - double clothesline into the apron! Malenko throws Guerrero back in to Lynn - elbow, gutshot, tag to Saturn. Open kick, into the ropes, pressed up - CAUGHT - into a front slam. Terri gets on the apron to ask Doan if it's cold in here or are her nipples always like that - and Saturn knees Guerrero in the groin. Back around - 1, 2, no. Saturn sits him on the top turnbuckle - later tonight, Chyna in a handicap match and Edge takes on Chris Jericho! - Guerrero fights the superplex attempt with ribshots, manages to throw off Saturn, then hits a SWEET 'rana - but Lynn comes in with a cheap shot to negate the advantage. Doan puts him back while Saturn tags Malenko - wow, Saturn presses Guerrero into Malenko's knee for a super gutbuster. Stomp, free shots for the Hardyz to bring them in. Malenko puts Guerrero into the ropes, back elbow, cover, just 2. Butterfly powerbomb (ooh!) - going for the cloverleaf, but Guerrero manages a small package - 1, 2, no! Malenko clotheslines Guerrero so hard his elbowpad falls off (sorta). Tag to Saturn. Open kick, Saturn knees while Malenko elbows the back. Terri's there. Saturn ties Guerrero to the Tree of Woe, goes outside and chokes away - then gets fresh with Terri AT THE SAME TIME. What a MACK. Malenko also comes in with kicks to the head - this brings in Matt, which brings in Lynn and THEY go at it. Everybody back to their positions and Saturn tags Lynn - holding him for open kicks. Into the ropes, drop toehold by Lynn, into - wow, the bow and arrow! Guerrero flips out into a cover and gets 2. Lynn pops up with a kick, going for a brainbuster but Guerrero evades the attempt - rollup attempt misses - off the ropes - BOTH men try a crossbody and there's a collision in the ring. Both men are down - Lynn tags Malenko; Eddie tags Matt! Duck, right, right, discus right, ducks Saturn, clothesline for him - Jeff is in with a right for Malenko - double team wheelbarrow suplex on Malenko! Double leg for Saturn - tandem legdrops. Lynn in - whip into the corner is reversed - Matt drops down for Poetry in Motion! Lynn goes outside, Jeff hits a PESCADO on him! Matt's alone with Dean and ready for the Twist of Fate - whoops, Saturn is in with a massive SUPERKICK to break it up. Matt falls out...and Eddie tags himself in on his way - ducks Saturn, right for Malenko, right for Saturn, right for Malenko, right for Saturn, but the numbers finally take over. Guerrero put into the ropes - double clothesline ducked, Matt pulls out Saturn and Guerrero ducks Malenko again - Guerrero off the ropes with a BEAUTIFUL Frankensteiner, bridging back, Malenko pops out and tries a rollup but *Guererro* steps up and - hey, he's got a new submission hold! It's a reverse leg bar and leg scissors from a figure four position - almost a variation of the stump puller, to be honest - Tazz calls it "from El Paso," but I couldn't hear him. So I cheated and went to wwf.com - it's known as the Lasso from El Paso. Anyway, it looked cool, Malenko taps and - yes - both men were the legal man. (6:59)
LOOK! It's Mr. & Mrs. Austin! And they are WALKING! Austin carries the WWF title on his shoulder - and lets his wife carry the tag belt.
Jakks Pacific WWF Hardcore Ring & Finishing Moves action figures - that guy in the boxing ring sounds just like Staryu, doesn't he? HYAH!
Austin tells Debra he's gonna beat the living hell outta Undertaker on Sunday, and he's not gonna let bygones be bygones. There's a knock at the door - it's Commissioner Regal, who assumes the Just Joe position and relays Taker's opening segment speech. Austin asks how Taker's wife is doing...expresses surprise that it was all a hoax...then gets indignant when he finds out that Taker is suggesting that *he* is somehow behind it. Debra: "Can you believe the nerve o' him?"
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with Test vs. Rhyno vs. Big Show Triple Threat Hardcore Championship Judgment Day graphic) v. ACOLYTE BRADSHAW (with Acolyte Faarooq & Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) - Faarooq takes third headset as they start before the replays are finished. Show with forearms and Bradshaw with rights, neither man with an advantage - now it's Bradshaw, right, chop, right, gutshot, into the ropes is reversed and Show pulls him into a big sidewalk slam. Bradshaw put into the corner - well it's a big slap in the chest. Into the opposite corner, well it's a big clothesline. Bradshaw ducks out of the next overhand right - right, right, chop, right, chop, right, right, forearm, into the opposite corner is reversed - Bradshaw gets the boot up, second rope shoulderblock DOES take him down! Bradshaw with an elbow, elbow, elbow, Show grabs him in a choke - I guess he's had no effect on him. Bradshaw with a back elbow, and another to break the choke - off the ropes - Show with the choke again. Bradshaw hooks the rope to avoid the slam - well it's a big headbutt. Scoop....and a slam. Off the ropes - but the elbowdrop MISSES! Running clothesline by Bradshaw puts Show on the floor! Bradshaw outside - forearm - into the STEEL steps - and now TEST TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST is out on the stage, wearing his Diesel ensemble. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda isn't thrilled about all this rulebreaking - Bradshaw ponders his words...and then puts Show's head into the steps again. Right, right, whip is reversed (you can't whip the Big Show!) and Bradshaw hits the barricade. Show finally notices Test...and makes sure to turn his back to Bradshaw so he can give him a forearm from behind. Show put in the ring - right by Bradshaw - whip is reversed, shoulderblock by Show. "C'mon, Test! Come get you some!" Test obliges, coming down the ramp - Show mauls Bradshaw down again, forearms Test off the apron, kicks Bradshaw out of the ring, turns back to eat a Really, Really Big Boot - Bradshaw back in with the Hades lariat - 1, 2, 3. (3:44) Show may always lose but at least it takes two finishers to keep him down. Have a replay.
Backstage, Regal attempts to assemble the refs and officials to keep Taker from going off, but Taker shows up, runs right through them like he's a hot knife and they're...well, you know, hits the locker room and levels Austin with a soupbone. He peppers him with punches until the refs and officials manage to reconvene and get him pulled off. "I didn't have nothing to do with it!" He'd NEVER mess with his wife. Instead, Austin fingers Triple H. He had him run over with a car, he made the phone calls. "Austin, if you're lyin' to me, I'monna rip your heart out." As the refs put him outside, Austin gets tough again. "Get that son of a (beep) outta my dressing room! Got no business being in here anyway - he thinks he's so damn tough!"
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Check out the Freedom Hall exterior!
Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZZZ. What'll happen when Triple H gets here and finds out Austin just ratted him out?
The graphic don't lie - just announced for Judgment Day: tag team turmoil! Your participants are Edge & Christian, Dudley Boyz, X-Factor, the Hardy Boyz, the APA and Saturn & Malenko - two teams start and it's an elimination match. The last team standing becomes #1 contender
Backstage, Kane watches on as his brother calls the sergeant. "Sergeant - it's Taker." Hahahahaha. Taker learns that of the calls to the sergeant and Sara, both calls Monday were made from the same phone...Triple H's cel. Kane reacts by brandishing his chain.
Meanwhile, JONATHAN COACHMAN catches up to Kurt Angle and asks if he's finally decided on the stips for his match with Benoit yet. Angle seems distracted...or maybe he hasn't been getting much sleep. "Hello, Coach. You wanna know if I chose a match? Oh, I chose a match. And to be honest, there couldn't be a better match for this occasion. Actually, it's the perfect match. From an Olympic hero to a fourth-string announcer, all I can say is...it's a doozy." Yep, he's slowly going crazy.
Meanwhile, Taker barges into the commissioner's office, hangs up Regal's phone in mid-call and tells him that he needs to relay a message to Triple H - they're going to have a match tonight - make it a no holds barred match, because if it isn't, he'd most likely go to jail for what he's planning on doing to him, and he isn't looking for any jail time this close to Sunday. Regal uh huhs.
Commentators shill the Voyager series finale Wednesday...wow, could they put any LESS heart into their reading? (Hey, ever notice they never hype ANYTHING on TNN that isn't WWF?)
COMMISSIONER REGAL and KING KURT ANGLE (wwfkurtangle.com) v. CHRIS BENOIT and RIKASHMONEY - Angle has some words for us. "Now I realise that most of you people here tonight have never truly won anything in your whole entire lives. Oh it's true, it's true. I'm sorry, but a pie eating contest at the local hick carnival doesn't count! In 1996, I won Olympic gold - GOLD, people. And this Sunday at Judgment Day, I'm gonna win them all over again. [Sign: Gold medals @ www.ebay.com] Now the good commissioner has allowed me to pick the match in which I will BEAT Chris Benoit in." "Angle sux!" Wow, there's a lotta signs dissin' Angle out there. "Listen up, people. The match I'm talking about is the perfect match. So Benoit, why don't you get out here and face the music." Hey, I think his music got a pop! "Now Benoit - I realise that my precious gold medals - my poor gold medals are resting comfortably against your genitals - and personally, I think you're sick! But not nearly as sick as the match that I have in store for you. This Sunday at Judgment Day, I will face you...in a straight up...wrestling match! No catches, no crazy stipuations, just you and me, the ring, and no excuses. How do you like that, Benoit?" "You know, Kurt Angle, your idea - it reminds me an awful lot of you - it really sucks! You know it's like this, Kurt - I say I'm better than you, and I say that the fact that I have your gold medals proves it. You know Kurt, you really disappoint me. I'd'a though that you come up with a lot more creative of a way than having a straight wrestling match? No, I say we settle this once and for all, no ifs ands or buts about it - this Sunday, we fight two outta three falls. First fall, pinfalls only - second fall, submissions only, if that's okay with you, Kurt." "Hey, that's fine with me, I have no problem with that. But let's just say, maybe uh, maybe you cheat again and you manage to squeak out a win, then what happens, Benoit?" "Well you know, Kurt, that's really simple - LADDER MATCH." "Ladder match?!" "If it's tied at one, we take the medals, suspend 'em above the ring and the first man to climb up the ladder and grab them...gets the gold." "Hold on a second - whoa whoa whoa - a ladder match, no frickin' way Benoit, no way." "Are you scared, Kurt?" "Whoa whoa whoa. I'm not scared--" "Are you scared, Kurt?" "I'm not scared - I'm not scared of anything - if you want a ladder match for the third match, you've got it Buster - and to be honest with you, it's not gonna get that far. Now let's get on with this match tonight!" Man, I'd LOVE for it to go two straight falls and PISS everybody off. Pier Four Brawl on the outside to start - Rikishi puts Regal in the ring for the opening bell, right, into the ropes is reversed, head down, uppercut by 'kishi - big headbutt - tag to Benoit - double chop! Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, European elbow, into the opposite corner - Regal stops himself, but walks back into a chop! Kick, snap suplex by Benoit. Regal falls back to the corner - Benoit charges and Regal gets the knees up. Tag to Angle, who runs right into the crossface - but rolls out of it - Benoit with a gutshot and another snap suplex. Tag to Rikishi - into the ropes, double back elbow. Angle manages to tag Regal - HE walks into a double hiptoss - 'kishi off the ropes - DRUMSTICK DROP! Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Standing on the neck until referee "Blind" Tim White can remind him that's illegal. Tag to Benoit - German suplex - make it double - before he can go for a third, Angle comes in with a forearm. Regal with a tag - gutshot, right hand. Vertical suplex. 1, 2, Benoit gets the shoulder up. Hey, Rikishi will be at the Cow Palace Saturday for opening day ticket sales! Lotta Samoans in the Bay Area...no, REALLY, there are. Right, Benoit fires back, Angle, Benoit, Angle, Angle rakes the face. Into the ropes, Benoit catches the knee and rolls him up for 2! Angle back up, stomp, stomp, stomp. Going for the death suplex but Benoit rolls his body into a crossbody - 1, no! Benoit with a chop, chop, chop, into the ropes, Angle holds on and tries for the Olympic Slam (which even THIS set of announcers now call the "Angle Slam" - sigh) but Benoit lands on his feet - gutshot, DDT! Both men are down - White is up to 6 - hot tag to Rikishi! Regal comes in on his own but gets a right - right for Angle, right for Regal, right for Angle, HE'S a house on fire. Regal whipped into Angle in the corner - wedgie, FAT ASS SPLASH! Regal gets the RIKISHIKICK but Angle sneaks in a gutshot. What, is he trying to piledrive him? THAT ain't gonna work. 'kishi backdrops Angle - and SQUAAAASH. 1, 2, ANGLE ROLLS THE SHOULDER!! Wow. Benoit is jumping up and down for the tag - 'kishi gives it to him - Benoit up top - swandive headbutt....MISSES!! 'kishi decides to go out and punch up Regal for a while. Angle manages to get up - OLYMPIC SLAM! Angle...appears to be in deep thought. Ah, I see - he's trying to figure out a way to get back the medals. Well, he DOES finally pull on Benoit's tights, reach (ewwwwwww) for the medals...and he comes up with them! Angle celebrates, kissing (EWWWW) the medals (Tazz: "That's gotta be TANGY, Cole!") and raising his arms high to the crowd. Oops, his back is to Benoit - that's the crossface, folks. Angle clutches the medals and screams in pain - finally, he has no choice but to drop the medals and tap. (5:43) Benoit takes the medals back, then meets Rikishi on the ramp for some quick posing. Benoit makes a big show of stashing the medals back in a ..well, it's not a cool, dry place...much to Angle's consternation. And they say this sport is homoerotic!
Meanwhile, the Helmsleys arrive at the arena. Everybody they walk by visibly shuns them - Jericho, Spike, Haku (HAKU IS ON SMACKDOWN!!!!), Buchanan, and finally Heyman and Lombardi before hitting the dressing room.
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WWF: The Music (Volume 5) ad
Moments Ago, but this time with the TV-PG-DLV ratings box, Angle taps out - and loses the medals again
Hey, look! It's WWF New York! I've NEVER seen that before!
As Heyman and Lombardi talk about how much they're looking forward to the NHB match between Triple H and Undertaker, Triple H comes back out and asks Heyman what the heck's up. Heyman assumes the Just Joe position and relates Our Story So Far. Triple H calls Austin a redneck piece of trash...then goes hunting for him...
CREEPY CHYNA9.COM (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) v. MOLLY HOLLY and IVORY (rightttocensor.com) in a nontitle, handicap match - Holly starts, thanks to Ivory quickly hiding behind the ropes - lockup, Chyna shoves her away. Holly ducks a clothesline, gutshot, off the ropes...Chyna scoops her up - Holly goes behind - Chyna rams her into the corner. Crappy forearm, crappy forearm, into the opposite corner, Holly up and over - no, caught on the shoulder...and Chyna slams her down. Chyna offers to let Ivory come in - Ivory decides she'll obey the rules and stay in the corner. Big press...Holly wriggles free, between the legs to the corner and manages a tag - Ivory doesn't want in, so Chyna brings her in the hard way. Big clothesline. Setting up for the powerbomb - stopping Holly's attempt at an attack from behind with a clothesline - avoids Ivory's kick, gutshot, Sablebomb - 1, 2, 3. (2:20) LITA is out...to raise her hand. But now EDDIE GUERRERO is out at the top of the stage - and it looks like he's auditioning for a part on "the House of Sarcastic Clapping People," too. The *worst* part of this segment is the fact that Chyna never removed that strange, strange headband the entire time - between this and that hat on Monday, you have to wonder if maybe she's got a big ol' pimple on her forehead she's trying to hide or something.
Meanwhile, Triple H confronts Austin. Austin says he and Triple H are through. "You brought a man's family into this? You did this to him?" He'll do a lot of things but he'd never stoop to that level. "What makes you think I did this, huh? What makes you think it was me?" Every piece of evidence points to him. Triple H asks him to look in his eye - he did not do this. Austin reminds him that a long time ago, H said he had nothing to do with running him down, either...and he lied. "I look at you right now, and I'm looking at a liar. I got nothing to say to do and I want nothing to do with you." "I did not do this...and this is not over between me and you." "You're damn right...you're guilty."
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The WWF Burn of the Week is brought to you by Stacker 2! From RAW, Jericho gets the pin on Edge, but later gets burned by Edge & Christian's Conchairto - and maybe, just MAYBE, he might want to stop giving interviews at the "oilcan's 'n' cyclone fence" set since they ALWAYS seem to end in tragedy
CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO (with SmackDown! is brought to you by Stacker 2, RC cola, and Chef Boyardee) v. EDGE (with Christian) (wwfedgechristian.com) - "Hey Jericho! Y Tool J! I understand you're still a little woozy after gettin' your head smashed in by the Conchairto on RAW - so allow us to refresh your memory." "This is Christian, and I am Edge! And tonight, you will receive a beating that, even in your head-flattened state, you will so totally never - ever forget." Edge in - Jericho with a gutshot, forearm, forearm, ick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, shoving off referee "Blind" Mike Chioda, and ramming Edge shoulder-first into the opposite ringpost. Euro elbow - shoulder-first into the first post. Kick, kick, wrapping the arm around the top rope and pulling - another shove for Chioda, right hand, kick, chop, chop, into the opposite corner - Edge drops down on the splash and Jericho ends up splashing the ringpost! Jericho goes outside to feel his concussion - Edge is out after him - running Jericho into the barricade. RC Double Feature reveals that actually, Christian pulled Edge out of the way of the splash, which explains things a bit better. Edge rams the back of Jericho's head into the barricade - again - and again. Rolled back into the ring, cover - 2. Edge with a stomp. Head to the buckle. Again. Again! Head to the middle buckle three times. Chioda checks on Jericho while Edge removes the turnbuckle cover (ooh!). Stomp. Up on the shoulder - trying to take him to the exposed bolt but Jericho stops, drops, and rolls him up - for 2! Clothesline by Edge. Right hand. Another right. Stomp, stomp, Dragon sleeper (!) - Jericho gets to his feet - Triple H/Undertaker, no holds barred later tonight - gutshot, elbow to the gut, elbow, into the ropes, head down - Edge with a swinging neckbreaker - 1, 2, no! Edge puts Jericho on the top turnbuckle and climbs up after - right, Jericho hangs onto the top rope to counter the superplex attempt - right to the body, right, tosses him off - top rope shoulderblock lands! Both men are down and the count is on. If Jim Cornette were here, he'd be able to start a "Y2J" chant just by doing some rhythmic canvas pounding, but unfortunately nobody's taught Christian how to do that. Too bad. Chioda is up to 5...Edge on a knee, Jericho on a knee - off the ropes, bulldog! Right hand, chop (HIS elbow pad flies off - must be "flying elbow pad night") - off the ropes is reversed, head down, Jericho with a kick - WOW standing enzuigiri! Only 2!! Jericho puts Edge in the corner - Edge with a boot up - trying a dropkick but Jericho catches him in a double leg - WOW CATAPULT INTO THE EXPOSED STEEL!! Christian sneaks a chair into the ring as Jericho goes for the Walls...Christian on the apron to bring Chioda over - Edge is tapping but it goes unseen - Jericho lets go to punk out Christian - stomping away - Edge has the chair...Jericho with a superkick before he can swing! Lionsault - ON THE CHAIR!! OHHHHHHHHHHH 1, 2, 3. Edge wins and MAN that was old school awesome. (6:53)
In Regal's office, Triple H tells the commissioner he had nothing to do with the Undertaker thing. Regal won't even look up at him. "Hey!" He shoves him in his chair. "Hey! Dammit, don't you forget who the hell I am. Don't you forget who my wife is, and you damn sure well better not forget who my father-in-law is. Now you listen to me. I want you to take your little eraser, I want you to go into your little book, and I want you to erase this match between myself and the Undertaker tonight." "Actually, no, I don't think I'll be doing that." "You don't think you'll be doing that." "That's not a good idea, that's all." "All right, well at least this - at least, change the match - get rid of the stipulation. Get rid of the No Holds Barred. Make it a straight up match. At least, you can do that. I KNOW that you can do--" Regal slaps the finger out of his face and rises from his chair. "Get your bloody hands off me. You listen to me. People like you DESERVE what you're going to get. You DESERVE a no holds barred match against the Undertaker, and one other thing, I hope he bloody well kicks some sense into you! Now get out, get dressed because you've got a no holds barred match with the Undertaker! Go on, bugger off! OUT!" Yikes! Did Regal just turn face?
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This Sunday on Superstars, Mick Foley sucks up to some "physically and mentally challenged" kids - TALK ABOUT COMPELLING TELEVISION!
LILIAN GARCIA is backstage - Jericho's gonna try to get through a promo without being attacked... "Would you please shut the hell up? My head is pounding after chairshots and Conchairtos, I can't even think straight - but I do know one thing. This Sunday at Judgment Day, there's a tag team turmoil match to decide who the #1 Contender is for the World Wrestling Federation tag team championships. And if Edge & Christian are in this match, that means as of now, Y2J is ALSO in that match. Now I don't have a partner yet, I don't even know who it might be, hell, it might even be you, Vivian - it's not important if I and my 'mystery partner' win - it's important that Edge & Christian lose. And if they think that having the WWF tag team championships is one big celebration then on Sunday, Y2J is gonna spoil the party."
Meanwhile, Stephanie hunts through the lockers for...? Debra catches up to her and says she hopes her husband gets what's coming to her. Stephanie says Triple H is innocent. "The evidence only shows that Triple H was framed! Hunter was framed!" "You know, keep believin' that, 'cause you're WRONG."
Meanwhile, Molly catches up to Hardcore Holly, who is running on the treadmill. Does the fact that he's having a match with Spike tonight have something to do with the conversation he and Crash had on Monday? "As a matter of fact, I did talk to him. And he's absolutely right - for once. First of all, Dudleyz DO put women through tables. Second of all, you can't trust a Dudley, no matter how nice they seem to be. And as far as tonight goes, I'm gonna finish the job that Crash started. And trust me, you'll thank me one day." Golly, it's a hillbilly angle for the new millennium! (That's not a BAD thing, by the way - it's always nice to see the classics.)
Meanwhile, Taker apologises to Kane - after he's done with Triple H, there probably won't be an intercontinental chain match Sunday, 'cause there won't be much Triple H left. Kane nods.
Hey, THAT'S the ad right there. Her anti-drug is her future. That's "4" by Aphex Twin. Yup. My anti-drug must be ID'ing music in these ads
And now, the WWF Rewind, thanks to RC cola - from RAW, Rhyno kicks the can - the can attached to Crash's head. Later, Spike tries to help and of course, it goes awry. After the match, Crash lays into Spike with the garbage can lid.
SPIKE DAMN DUDLEY (with Those Damn Dudleyz & wwf.com logo) (wwfdudleyboyz.com) v. KOOL MOE DEE (with Crash) - Lockup, side headlock by Holly, Dudley powers out, shoulderblock by Holly - off the ropes, up and over, leaprfrog is caught into a powerslam by Holly for 2. Pounding the back - again - hung up on the ropes - Best Crotchkick in the Business actually vaults Spike over the rope to the floor. Crash wants a shot but Hardcore tells him to stay out of his match. Rolled back in - kick by Holly, Spike ducks the punch, right, climbing up top, Frankensteiner, but Holly clotheslines him down anyway. Right hand. Kick, kick, big beal across the ring. See, Buh Buh Ray knows how to start some rhythmic clapping! Gutshot by Dudley, on the shoulders, into a fisherman victory roll (I made that up) for 2. Right, right, off the ropes, ducking a shot from Holly, but Holly hits the Best Dropkick in the Business. Holly puts Dudley up on top - I think HE wants to hit a Frankensteiner but Dudley is punching him off - right - BIG shove puts him back in. Two boots to stop another charge - TOP ROPE PERRO AGUAYO DOUBLE STOMP!! Kick, field goal kick, Oklahoma roll - but only 2! Holly manages a gutshot - double underhook - into a side salto. Dudley does manage to pull Holly over his head and out through the ropes. The Dudley Boyz are over but referee "Blind" Teddy Long leaves the ring to stand between them and Hardcore - meanwhile, Crash is in the ring with a hot shot for Spike! Hardcore back in the ring and complaining about Crash involving himself when he doesn't need it. Dudley grabs a waistlock, ramming him into Crash and rolling him up - 1, 2, NO!! Hardcore hits a speed of light whip spinebuster - *owch* - 1, 2, 3. (3:31) Hardcore STILL wants an explanation from Crash - then decides to just take off without him. Crash spends a bit too long looking longingly after his cousin, considering the Dudley Boyz behind him - 3D (Dudley Death Drop)! Quick, play THEIR music!
Triple H is still wondering why Austin would set him up like that. Stephanie suddenly remembers that Austin had H's cel phone on Monday - he really DID set him up. "You just remember this *now?* You couldn't think of this earlier today - you remember this now? It's a little late, don't you think?" "Well, I'm sorry." "Well it doesn't matter now..." H brings out the noisy, noisy chain and drowns out the rest off the sound - but I think I heard "This is gonna get ugly." It's GOING TO get ugly? "Be careful!"
Judgment Day ad #2
Beefaroni at #2
You're watching some show - on some network!
See the Rock's picture on the cover of the Rolling Stone! He's gonna buy five copies for his mother!
TAKER (on His Beautiful Rude American Bike - with RC cola presents Judgment Day in just three days!) v. THE NEW MAN (wwfhhh.com) in a nontitle, no holds barred match - Taker decides to meet him up the ramp with a soupbone! H drops the chain and his belts. Soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone! Soupbone. They're up the ramp and on the stage now - Taker rams H into one of the ovals. Soupbone. H scares off referee "Blind" Earl Hebner. Soupbone, soupbone, H kicks back, right, soupbone by Taker, soupbone, they're away from the top of the stage (aw, nobody's gonna FALL) and down the ramp - soupbone and H goes ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN'. Taker boots him, picks him up - and bodyslams him down onto the ramp! Soupbone to the back of the shoulder. Down to ringside, where H's head meets the ringpost. Tazz is talking about Boris Malenko, Johnny Valentine and Dick Murdoch. Wow. Taker runs H into the barricade...and over it into the crowd. Soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone. Somdbody's blowing bubbles in the crowd - DANGEROUS, VICIOUS BUBBLES. H manages a gutshot, but Taker backdrops out of the Pedigree attempt, sending H back over the barricade to the floor. H's head meets the STEEL steps. Taker puts him on the commentary table. Soupbone. Soupbone. Soupbone. H brought back to his feet - Taker with a surprise headbutt! H manages to grab the bell and give Taker a big (post-production) dinger. FO-LEY FO-LEY FO-LEY (no, not Mick). H rams Taker's head into the STEEL steps. Right hand from H - right, right, right, right. Rolled into the ring - H follows - right, right, right, Taker decides that's enough of that shit - and chokes him into a reversal in the corner - soupbone, soupbone, kick, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp - ohhhh...Taker's got the chain. But H manages a kick to the 'nads *just* in time. Both men are down and trying to catch a breath. H brings himself up first - and then crotches Taker on the top rope. H goes outside to the floor and pulls Taker across the apron - elbow to the heart. There's another. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. H manhandles ring announcer TONY CHIMEL and collects his chair - back in the ring - but before he can swing, Taker whips out the TESTICULAR CLAW! Tazz: "Five on two, Cole - FIVE ON TWO!" Soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone! Into the opposite corner, big boot out! Got H in the goozlel - he's up - he's DOWN in the CHOKESLAM!! H is practically twitching - but the Reaper isn't done. He's outside and tossing the top half of the STEEL steps into the ring - and now the BOTTOM half of the steps is tossed in the ring. Taker back in, reassembling the steps...and giving the high sign to the crowd. What's he gonna do? Taker puts H, practically dead weight, atop the steps - big uppercut - HE'S GONNA TOMBSTONE HIM ON THE STEPS!! Oh, no he's not - Austin is on the OvalTron and distracting away. "Hey Undertaker - hold on a second, hold it! You need to listen to Stone Cold Steve Austin. Triple H I don't need your cel phone tonight - I got a direct line." (dials - wow, listen to all the 5's) (ring) (ring) "Hello?" "Hello." "Hello?" "Sara?" "Who the hell is this?" "This is Stone Cold Steve Austin, and let me just say that your voice sounds as sweet now...as it did last Monday night." "You son of a--" Austin hangs up. "You see Undertaker, *it was me all along.* It was Stone Cold Steve Austin. And I didn't do it by myself. Everybody needs a partner in crime. Just like the one standing behind you right now." H from behind with a chained right! H stands over Taker's shoulder and lays into him with repeated chain punches. MY NAME IS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN must have *sprinted* from the back because HE'S out laying in right hands as well. CHAIN is soon to follow - Austin and H scatter as soon as they spot him. H feels his wounds - Taker glowers - Austin grins - and the credits mean we're out. (No contest? Just under 10:00)
Okay, here's my problem.
Knowing what we know now, what exactly were Austin, Debra, Triple H and Stephanie DOING for this *entire* show? Were they just acting out a big ruse...for the benefit of.....I have no idea! The camerman? Now, even if that's the way it went down, WHY? I mean, it's not like Taker and Kane were spending a lot of time watching the monitor, so it couldn't have been for *their* benefit. No, apparently the whole thing was done for....you and me watching at home. Maybe it's just ol' cynical CRZ talking here, but this isn't exactly the best way to get me the viewer to suspend his disbelief.
(Hey, wait a minuted, friend - maybe Debra and Stephanie didn't *know* about it.) Well, that's a point. That's actually a pretty GOOD point - it would explain why the women acted the way they did on Monday, as well as tonight, AND it has the bonus of answering my earlier question - Austin and Triple H were only together for one segment - perhaps they WERE acting out a big ruse...not for the benefit of the cameraman, but for *their wives.* Thanks. (Don't mention it.) And yet...there's still a big fat WHY left dangling out there. (Well, I can't do ALL the work.)
How does Regal fit into this, anyway? And ultimately, you know we'll be forced to wonder...how will *Vince* fit into this?
One other talking point. Is it a fair tradeoff to *gain* seven minute matches, but *lose* a good chunk of commentator time to talk about the main event angle instead of said action in the ring? Tonight, "yes," but this could get annoying if left unchecked. We'll keep a watch on it.
Sunday is Judgment Day - perhaps a lot of these questions will be answered. Probably not. Then again, good things can happen when you sufficiently lower your expectations - and anyway, hey, Benoit vs. Angle.
With any luck, I'll be on-site at RAW from the Compaq Center Monday. See you then!