UPN - Thursday!
TV-PG-DLV - FRUSTRATION: What, no "One World?" Guess we needed those extra ten seconds for these strangely sepia-tinted "highlights" (get it?) from RAW... REVELATION: Amazingly, the Stalker was revealed to *not* be Savio Vega - DDP will see Taker at King of the Ring. YOU need to see the RAW Report
Opening (Close Captioned logo) Credits
HIT IT, BABY, ONE MORE TIME - coming to you from the Waterhouse Centre in Orlando, FL 21.6.1 (taped 19.6) and transmitido en espanol SAP on the United Paramount Network, THIS...is WWF SMACKDOWN!
Will this be the last time I type KING KURT ANGLE? I think....not! The graphic don't lie: it'll be a street fight as Angle takes on Shane McMahon, and he could conceivably (probably will) wrestle three times Sunday...for now, however, he's got something to say. "It's amazing. Believe it or not, some people have had the nerve to say that I'm getting a little too cocky by calling myself a superhero - can you believe that? I mean...am I super? Yeah. Am I a hero? Yes! So what exactly is the problem? The fact that I can take down any person, any time I want....not to mention the fact that I stand for truth, justice, and the American way...pretty much qualifies me as a damn super hero - oh, it's true. And Shane McMahon, you may think you can fly - but you're nothin' but a mere mortal. And come this Sunday at King of the Ring, I'm gonna show you just how mortal you really are. Ah, King of the Ring - what a day it will be! You know, I was talking to my good friend Shaquille O'Neal - you know, the guy who left this dump and went on to win back-to-back championships for LA? Oh, you know the guy - it's true, it's true - well, he was saying how great it is to repeat - which is exactly what I'm gonna do this Sunday. And Edge, Christian, Rhyno...you don't know how thrilled I was that all of us made the final four. You did good, kids! And you should be real proud of yourself. But King of the Ring is the 'grownups table,' and let's just say I'm a man playing with boys....nonono, that's not what I meant to say, what I meant to say was, I'm a man..." The music interrupts at this point - EDGE & CHRISTIAN are on their way to the ring. Angle is STILL trying to figure out which words he wanted to use. "You know, Kurt--" "Hohoho - hold on, I know exactly what I wanted to say. What I meant to say was...in a world of boys, I'm a man who likes beating them. NONONO - GOD, that's not it - what I meant to say, whoa whoa--" "Kurt! Kurt - you are a man, and you are a 'superhero,' but most importantly..." "You're a dork!" "A HUGE dork." "Dorkimus Maximus!" "The dorkifications are endless!" "Whoa whoa whoa - what are you guys saying?" "What we kids are trying to say, Kurt, is that we didn't make it this far in the King of the Ring just to face you...we made it to BEAT you. And believe me, if Christian doesn't beat you in the semis, I'm totally goin' to the finals, where I will shut your whiny, self-centered, superhero (beep) up once and for all!" "Hold on a second. What do you mean 'if Christian doesn't beat him in the semis?' You don't think I can beat Kurt? Well let me tell you somethin' - after I'm done beatin' this chumpstain Angle, I'd be more than happy to beat YOU in the finals." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah!" "Hold on a second! SHUT UP!" Crowd: "Angle Sux!" "Listen to me! I can't believe this! You ungrateful snot-nosed punks! After everything I've done for you! Before you met me, you were NOTHIN'! I made you! I tell you what, you apologise to me right now, or I'm gonna do something I'm gonna regret. Oh, what, you don't believe me? See this finger? See this thumb? See this fist, you'd better run!" To complete our fun, RHYNO (THE MAN BEAST) comes out. "Angle, it's real simple - they never NEEDED you! And yeah, I may be wrestling Edge in the semifinals, but if there's one thing for sure, the three of us are gonna make DAMN sure you don't repeat!" Then Rhyno drops the mic and gores (GORE! GORE!) Edge! Christian checks on him, allowing Angle to come up behind him and give HIM an Olympic Slam! Play Angle's music! Well, I guess we've established a pair of de factor faces for the semifinals...
Taker is outside the building...and awaiting Diamond Dallas Page! He paces over to - whoa, there's his wife! (That's his wife, right?) They say....nothing
Woo hoo, the Source awards! Will there be another riot? And if so, how will UPN completely fail to mention it THIS year?
"WWF: The Music [Volume 5]" ad - it's tough to be the Rock
When we come back, we focus on the neatly manicured hands of Molly Holly and Spike Dudley (okay, I didn't really check out Spike's nails) Spike says he must be being punished for his actions against Austin to have the Big Show tonight...but he'd REALLY appreciate it if she'd stay in the back for this match. She grudgingly accepts, then they smooch - "for good luck," says Molly. OH MY GOD WHAT IF WE LEARN THEY'RE REALLY TWIN BROTHER AND SISTER IN THE THIRD MOVIE
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. SPI KE DAMN DUDLEY (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) with No Disqualifications - as you can imagine, Show ain't in a good mood from losing to Christian Monday - not to mention the Conchairto that is STILL making him rub his head. Of course, it wasn't much of a night for Spike either, as Austin threw him through a table from the ring. Spike forearm, forearm, Show mauls him down. Well it's a big slap in the chest. Well it's a big press - and toss out to the floor! Show roars something to the commemtators, then drags Spike by an ankle around the floor. Well it's a big wheelbarrow into a throat on the barricade. Show runs at him...but Spike ducks and Show takes a tumble over the barricade into the crowd! Show emerges over the barricade with an unhappy look on his face. Another press - and shot over the top rope back into the ring. From the floor, mind. Off the ropes, off the ropes, off the ropes - but nobody's home for the big elbow! Show is up first - Spike sent into the corner - well it's a big splash to Spike's back! Got him in the choke...but Spike kicks him in the nuts! And there's the Dudley 'Dog! But just to make sure we don't have none o' that "giant killer" crap, here come THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ to provide 3D (Dudley Death Drop) for their younger half-brother. Show is up - looks at the Dudleyz - ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM (one-armed variety) - 1, 2, 3. (3:05) Show doesn't exactly seem thrilled that he got the outside help, but a win's a win. Here's a replay of what Show didn't do (3D) - then did do (chokeslam).
Taker and Sara are still - no, here's a limo. Taker runs up and opens the door. "You want some - ahhh." Nope, it's only Vince. "Wait a minute! Wait a minute. It's just me, and let me just set the record straight - I didn't have a damn thing to do with DDP showing up, okay? On Monday night, not a damn thing - and I can tell you from a security standpoint, he won't be within a THOUSAND miles--" "Whoa whoa, hold on - that's where you're wrong. Now let's get this straight right now, Vince. If he shows up here tonight - or any other night, for that matter - you let him in. I want him here. You understand that? He shows up, he's in - and if you don't let him in, me and you, we're gonna have major problems. You gonna under up in the same place I'm gon' put him....THE DEPTHS OF HELL, all right? DDP comes in!" We fade out before we're forced to endure Vince gulping.
Edge & Christian shill Stacker 2
Jakks Pacific stuff ad
Commentators shill some show involving chicks' shapely asses
KANE DO IT FOR DA KIDZ (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) and LOS NINOS HARDYS (con Lita, y SmackDown! es brought to you by Stacker 2, the JVC GigaTube, and Universal's "The Fast and the Furious" - sweepstakes at wwf.com!) v. X-FACTOR - I guess the chyron machine broke down for this match. We learn that Edge & Christian have challenged Kurt Angle & Rhyno - and they accepted! Also tonight, a WWF tag team championship match - Dudley Boyz get their shot! We have an uneasy staredown 'twixt Kane and Albert...but referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas somehow manages to keep order, and Credible starts out facing Jeff Hardy. Lockup, arm wringer by Hardy, right by Credible, right, right, into the corner, Hardy up and over, hip toss, armdrag, holding the armbar - Credible to the eyes, and tags to X-Pac. 'Pac runs right into an armdrag. They trade rights, whip is reversed, but Hardy holds the ropes and 'Pac's dropkick goes nowhere. Double legdrop between the legs by Hardy - tag to Mtt - kick by Jeff, into the opposite corner, Poetry in Motion lands - Matt with a big clothesline - 1, 2, nope. Right by Matt, another right, whip is reversed, head down, kick by Hardy, sitout clothesline - 1, 2, kickout. Arm wringer to a hammerlock - 'Pac elbows out - tag to Albert. NOW it gets interesting. Matt ducks a swing, right, right, right, off the ropes...but into a big press. Matt does some twitching and actually manages to free himself - only to take a shot in the back from X-Pac as he comes off the ropes. Too bad they celebrate and take their eyes off him - Matt manages a double noggin knocker...but Albert brings it back with a big splash in the corner. Into the ropes, clothesline ducked, Albert with a flying shoulderblock (he stole that from Steve Blackman!) - 1, 2, Kane breaks it up! Over to the corner - Credible is in - free kick, into the corner, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, right, right - pulled back into the centre as Hardy holds (and lets go of) the ropes - 1, 2, no. Crowd chants "We want Flair" - okay, it's "we want Kane," I guess. Sorry. Tag to X-Pac - open gutshot, snapmares him over, into a headlock. Matt fights it off as Lita pounds the canvas in rhythmic fashion. Elbow, elbow, into the corner, into X-Pac's boot. Lita pulls X-Pac down and crotches him on the post - CHEATING TO WIN! Again Lita hits the mat, and the crowd follows. HOT TAG TO JEFF! Credible comes in - Hardy ducks his swing and gives Albert a freebie - then turns back to dropkick Credible. X-Pac comes in - and gets shoved through the ropes. Credible dumped on the outside - Hardy up top, but Albert shoves him off the corner to the floor! But *Kane* comes in with a flying clothesline from the top! Right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, running clothesline - scoop...and a running powerslam! Signalling for the choke - got it - but Albert elbows out (three times) - yahhhhhh bowls him over, knocking him down. Yah stomp, yah stomp, off the ropes but runs into Kane's big boot. X-Pac up top - Kane catches him with one hand and hits a chokeslam. Clothesline takes Albert out. Hardy back up - swantonbomb! 1, 2, 3! (4:51) Hey, both men were legal. Anyway, if X-Pac jobs to Jeff Hardy here, does that pretty much guarantee that the light heavyweight title will change hands on Sunday? MAYBE.
Vince is on the phone (with who?) complaining about Undertaker demanding that "some WCW creep walk into my house..." but stops short as Austin enters. "Steve! How ya doin'?" "No, how YOU doing?" "Well, quite frankly I've been a little better, I'm a little concerned with this WCW stuff, and they could even be coming for YOU." "I ain't worried about WCW. What I'm here to ask you about, Vince - last Monday, I give you an ultimatum: Stone Cold Steve Austin, World Wrestling Federation championship, glory, et cetera....or Linda McMahon. Have you made up your mind?" "Steve, let me just say that...I mean, I understand the ultimatum, and I'm still thinking about it." "What do you mean you're still thinking about it? It's simple!" "I know it is, but something like this deserves - a great deal of thought, and I'm really, really considering it - really thinking about it, but I think you know the way I'm gonna go." Austin snaps his head up. "I think I do know the way you're gonna go - that being said...I got something for ya. (an uneasy pause) My own personal hunting bow. From me to you, I've killed over fourteen dear with this thing. I've killed a ten-point buck last year with a 20" spread. It's yours now." "Thank you." Austin holds onto it just a second longer. "It's yours now." "Thank you very much, I - I've always wanted a bow...and arrows and stuff." "It's a beauty, ain't it?" "It really is." "Camoflauge fletching (fletching?) And uh...if you're gonna sneak up on a deer..." Austin looks up - and removes his hat. "You're gonna need this." And he puts it on Vince's head (NOT THE HAIR!) as Vince gulps. "Now you're a hunter." Two slaps on the back and he's gone. "Tha-- thanks, Steve!" Vince regards his new possessions.
"WWF Tough Enough: the Casting Special" airs right after THIS show...on MTV!
Buffy is coming to UPN! WHO CARES? Sarah Michelle Gellar looks like she ran into a wall and her nose STAYED that way
Backstage, Sara is still providing her best faux-Miss Elizabeth face, while Taker abuses the local machinery. "Think he's gonna show up?" "He freakin' BETTER show up! I tell you that - he wants to be famous huh? I'LL MAKE" and we don't hear the rest and Taker beats up some noisy pallets
Meanwhile, Tajiri watches and rewatches his loss to Rhyno Monday. Regal comes into the office and shuts off the TV. "I hope you're not blaming me for that, you know. Perfectly good King of the Ring spot, you've thrown it to - I tried to help, tried to help but you wouldn't listen. You've got a lot of making up to me to do - go over there." There's a knock at the door - it's Kaientai, and Taka wants a shot at the WWF championship - Regal says there's no way he gets a match with Austin. "light - light - LIGHT" - "Light heavyweight championship? Jeff Hardy? No, you can't fight him, he's fighting X-Factor tonight" (oops - no wonder Cole is trying to talk over him here) Taka makes some threatening speech and martial arts air moves. At this point, Tajiri jumps onto the desk and says some OTHER threatening stuff. Somehow, a match is booked in here. Regal pulls him off his desk. "You told them, didn't you?" Tajiri tries to shove off Regal's arm. "All right..."
Meanwhile, Angle and Rhyno share a private moment. "You know, Rhyno, I like the way you think. Every man for themselves - THAT is what the King of the Ring is about. You know, I'm GLAD that Edge & Christian challenged you and me to a tag team match tonight. Those guys are gonna pay for what they said to me - they actually had the nerve to call me a dork. Me, a dork! I'm not a dork! (a beat) Anywho, if you play your cards right...there could be an Angle/Rhyno final at King of the Ring this Sunday. And I'll tell you what...being the runner-up, that's not winning gold...but it's a solid silver, and something to be proud of. I'll see you out there."
Meanwhile, Vince plays with his bow. Another knock at the door - this time, Steve's legs are joined by Debra's - she carries a plate of cookies. "You do remember my wife, right? ...in anticipation of your decision later on tonight, and because we're such good friends, uh, and I had my little uh wife bake you a little present." "I did, I stayed up all night baking these just for you, Vince. And they're really good!" "Thank you very much, I'm really--" "Smell 'em!" "Mmm! They smell delicious?" "Will you try one?" "Go ahead!" "Sure, sure.." "It won't break your diet, I know you're a bodybuilder." Vince labours to chew. "Mmm!" "How are they?" "Mmm." "That's the best thing I cook." "Like it?" "Mmm - delicious." "Really! Personally, I think they taste like crap! The best thing I like to do is skip 'em across a real calm pond! Hehehe - but, you sit there and enjoy them things, I'm gonna go out here and uh... it's the sugar, ain't it." "Mmm?" "IT'S THE DAMN SUGAR, she puts too much sugar on those things - you don't like 'em. You love 'em?" "I worked hard on those things." "I think you put too much - let's go." "HE likes 'em!" "Never mind, let's go. Enjoy!" "Thank you!" Vince gulps (for once) - looks around - and then decides to skip the remainder of the cookie across a calm dressing room floor
"WWF: The Music [Volume 5]" ad #2
EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with KOR brackets - Angle vs. Christian, Edge vs. Rhyno) v. RHYNO (THE MAN BEAST) and KING KURT ANGLE - It's Edge & Rhyno to start - Edge with a right at the bell, right, Rhyno right, Edge, Rhyno, Rhyno, Rhyno, into the ropes is reversed, Rhyno ducks but Edge hits a flapjack on the rebound. Tag to Christian. Hard whip into the ropes - Poetry in Motion-esque avalanche by Christian, then the perpendicular backbreaker gets 2. Right, right, right, into the ropes, reversal and Angle puts a knee in the back - referee "Blind" Mike Chioda is talking about something with Edge and misses it. Rhyno with a biggish spinebuster for 2. Tag to Angle. Right hand by Angle. Christian in the corner, right, right, kick, kick, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp, standing on the neck until Chioda pulls him off. Christian fires back - right, right, right, Angle to the face. Into the corner, boot up attempted but Angle grabs it - going to the anglelock but Christian is in the ropes - Angle with a stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Chioda tells him to at least TRY to follow the rules. Angle pulls Christian out of the ropes and hits a snap suplex for 2. Tag to Rhyno. Angle with a front face - Rhyno with an open kick. Overhand right, right, into the corner, Christian gets an elbow up....but Rhyno comes back with a running clothesline. Up on the shoulder...powerslammed down. Rhyno outside and climbing up - swandive headbutt (!) misses! Both men are down...who will make the tag? Crowd goes mild! Chioda is up to five - tag to Angle - tag to Edge! Clothesline by Edge! Clothesline! Spinning heel kick! Ducks a clothesline - Edge-o-matic! 1, 2, Rhyno breaks it up! Now it's all breaking down - Christian punches Rhyno while Angle tries a death suplex - Edge backflips - gutshot, in position for the DDT - but Christian's clothesline misses a ducking Rhyno, hitting Edge! Christian ends up on the wrong end of a GORE! GORE! GORE! Edge gets GORED! GORED! GORED! Angle hooks the leg as Rhyno goes back to his corner - 1, 2, 3! (3:53) Post-match, SHANE O MAC materialises with a kendo stick and canes Angle, then takes some swings at SECURITY before running out through the crowd - and whoever's playing his music should be fired from the WWF! But probably won't. Here's a replay
Vince taps his glass table gingerly with a cooky. Austin barges in. "Hey Vince!" "Steve." "You see what Shane just did?" "Yeah I saw what Shane just did...uh...and I wanna thank you for everything you've done for me. I'm - I'm moved." "Don't thank me yet. I'm glad you're enjoying your stuff. How're the cookies?" "Uh...everything's great." "Well, I got something else for ya." "You do?" "Yeah." He offers a framed photograph. "Look at it." "WrestleMania?" "When it all started - it's when the friendship started. I know you think I'm going overboard, but it's - I kinda look at it like this, Vince, it's kinda like that old Dionne Warwick song ... (singing) That's What Friends are For." "I remember that song." "Good song, ain't it." "Steve, thank you very much." "This came from my house, but I've signed it to you. It says 'Vince, all the best, Stone Cold Steve Austin #1.'" "Steve, thank you very much." "You can put it wherever you want - but just keep it close to your heart." "It'll be there, I know just the place for it. Thanks, man." "You got it!" Austin leaves - and Vince checks out the photo.
King of the Ring spot
This past Tuesday, the TV-PG-DLV ratings box oversaw a Premiere Party for "Tough Enough" - which would explain why Tazz wasn't at the commentary table tonight - oh, I didn't mention that yet? Who cares
Coming back to the arena, Regal attempts to talk to Saturn while Terri examines her nipples (or something) "So you see, Perry, since Test won the hardcore title with the actions of Shane McMahon and WCW, it stands to reason that he needs to be punished, so I'm granting *you* a hardcore title match against Test to - let's say - punish him. Do you understand? For God's sake man, do you understand?" "Doggies eat applesauce to save the ozone layer." Regal thinks a moment. "Well actually, Test says that doggies eat kumquats to save the ozone layer." "Doggies eat APPLESAUCE to save the ozone layer." "That's not what Test says, and he's going around telling everyone the opposite." "They eat APPLESAUCE to save the ozone layer!" "Well you better make sure that Test pays, then." "Oh he'll pay! Thank you!" "You're welcome." "You're welcome." "Thank you." "You're welcome!" "Maybe you should just....." Terri leads him off. "Don't forget, Perry, get that title from Test!" "You're welcome." (under his breath) "Raving bloody lunatic..."
Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & PAUL HEYMAN.
TONIGHT: It's a WWF Tag Team Championship match - Benoit & Jericho vs. The Dudley Boyz!
MY NAME IS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is out to make a scheduled unscheduled appearance. All four corners gets a glimpse of the champion and his belt as Heyman gets evangelical on us. Austin takes a look towards the commentary table...leaves the ring and takes the mic from ring announcer TONY CHIMEL. He appears to have his sights set on Cole - one foot on a chair, the other on the commentary table. "How ya doin' there, boy? Where's your little buddy Tazz at, huh? He at the Tough Enough premiere, huh? You know why I'm out here, don'cha. You know why I'm out here." He's back on the floor and taking a step closer - Heyman runs off. "I'm out here because you've been talkin' LOOK AT ME" and he slaps the headset off Cole's head. "You little mealy-mouthed bastard! I don't like what you said about Stone Cold Steve Austin - no, YEAH, you know exactly what you said. You said you don't like Stone Cold's chances at King of the Ring in a Triple Threat match. You said I ain't got much of a chance. You don't think Stone Cold Steve Austin's gonna win, do ya? ... DO YA? ... Shake your stupid head yes or no." Cole reluctantly shakes his head no. "Look at me. I said look at me, don't eyeball me, there's a difference. I heard you said Stone Cold Steve Austin ain't been the same since I sold my soul to the devil. Are you callin' Vince McMahon the devil? Did I - did I understand you correctly." Cole nods. "Stand up." Cole stays put. "I said stand up!" Cole assumes the deer in headlights look and attempts to stammer an explanation. "Boy if you got a backbone in your body you'll stand your little ass up. For talkin' about Stone Cold Steve Austin, I oughta whip yer ass. But I'm not." Sigh of relief from Cole. "For talkin' about my friend, Vince McMahon, I oughta whip your ass....and I am." Cole tries to talk but more seems scared shitless "You can flap your little gums about me all you want but you ain't gonna talk about Vince McMahon. You understand me?" SLAP! "Huh? You like that?" SLAP! "Huh? STAND UP! I said stand up." Cole tries to shield his head. "Are you ready? You ready? Huh?" Shoves him down. "Get up!" Grabs him by the shirt and puts him in a chair - and a head vice. "You sit right there and look at me - don't you DARE say another word about Vince McMahon. Do I make myself clear? I want you to say what I - shut up. When I put this microphone in your mouth, you say 'yes sir, Stone Cold.'" "Y- y- yes -yessir, Stone Cold." "I said I was gonna whip yer ass - stand up. You're pathetic. Boy, you bowin' up to me? Boy, you bowin' up to me? Huh?" Cole is trying to beg off and get the hell outta there - RIGHT HAND! Austin lays into him with stomps. Austin drops down and unleashes right hand after right hand. Austin is back to his feet - BIG kick! Standing on the neck - running kick to the head - stomp - holy SHIT this is some graphic beatdown. Austin rips Cole's shirt off - another big stomp. Austin shows Cole his belt - he is the World Wrestling Federation champion. Austin parts Cole's legs - Cole tries to block the stomp in the nuts but fails. Austin stands over a whimpering Cole - and puts one more boot to his head. And grinds his heel onto his head one more time. Then comes back to stand on his head again. And ANOTHER kick in the ribs. Austin finally walks off - and they play his music. A camera at floor level captures Cole's quivering carcass...and puts it on the OvalTron as Austin walks back up the aisle.
Hot DAMN. That was some old school "hardcore," and that worked like GANGBUSTERS for me. That was Vader taking out Gorilla Monsoon hardcore - that was Yokozuna draping Hacksaw Jim Duggan in the American flag and giving him a fifth Banzai drop hardcore - that was IRS ripping up Tatanka's headdress and then destroying Chief Jay Strongbow hardcore. AND that worked *just* as much because of Cole as Austin. AND you couldn't have done this with Tazz in the building, so the timing was perfect. Everything about this RULED. THIS is the sort of thing that can keep a "hardcore" wrestling fan for MONTHS. Totally awesome and unbelievable, and if you didn't like this....well, I don't know what you're waiting for when you watch this show - well, I *do*, but you could be probably be watching Cinemax or "Wild on E!" and be happier, I think.
When we come back, Austin is on his way to Vince's dressing room. "Hey Vince! You'll never guess what I just did! You ain't gonna believe this, Vince!" But he ain't there. "Vince - Vince!"
"Oh, look! I've been joined by my sidekick, JR!" Ross berates Heyman for running off just to save his own skin. Heyman: "You're damn right I did!"
Moments Ago - wow, this is even better than giving Molly the Stunner! One more look at Cole's tattoo
During the Break, Cole took the stretcher ride out - Cole needs a BONUS
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with WWF.com l ogo) v. PERRY SATURN (with Nipples) - LOOK! There's a "You're Welcome!" sign! NOW can we proclaim him "over" and move on? Saturn starts with a kick in the gut, right, right, right, right, every shot to the taped ribs. Into the opposite corner, clothesline. Kick, kick, into the opposite corner is reversed - Test with a clothesline. Into the opposite corner, clothesline for Saturn. Clothesline puts him on the floor. Test holds his ribs and walks outside - Saturn back in - Test trying to come back in but Terri grabs his ankle as he's on the apron- Saturn with an overhand right that puts him back on the floor. Saturn with a TOPE SUICIDA through the ropes and using his head as a battering ram! That can't be a brainy move for the confused one. Saturn outside - trashcan in, mops in, STOP sign, another trashcan, and a lid. Back in with the lid - Test with a right to the lid. Head to the buckle, right, right, Test grabs a trashcan and positions it in the opposite corner. Test limps over - into the opposite corner is reversed - poor Test. Saturn breaks a mop on Test's ribs. Climbing up the corner - but Test throws a trashcan right at his head, crossing his eyes even more than normal. Test brings back his first trashcan - right, right, climbing to the second rope - superplex blocked, blocked, Saturn throws Test off, and he lands ribs first on the trashcan! Leg is hooked, "Blind" Teddy Long in position - 1, 2, NO! Saturn up top - going for a twist splash - but Test puts up the STOP sign - literally! Give it a Double Feature as they recover. Test has a trashcan lid - Test ducks - gutshot - grabs the lid - WHACK - WHACK - Terri in and grabbing the lid from behind - suh-WING - and Test ducks so Terri ends up nailing her man - 1, 2, Terri pulls him off by the hair. Test turns round - and Terri falls back to beg off. Saturn has the trashcan lid - going for the Van Daminator (superkick style) - looked like some creative editing as Test almost dropped the thing - Saturn covers - 1, 2, NO! Saturn puts the trashcan back in the centre - maybe going for a DVD but Test is back to his feet - shoved Terri's way but he stops himself before hitting the screamer. Saturn turns back - Test hooks the arm to duck the clothesline attempt - there's Uncle Slam on the can - 1, 2, Saturn lifts a shoulder! Test going out and going up, despite the injured ribs...Saturn is back to his feet - there's a dropkick as Test comes down! Saturn has a mop - he's gonna clean this up - NO, Test with the Really, Really Big Boot to the mop, breaking it over Saturn's body, and that'll do ya. 1, 2, 3, champ retains. (5:14) Here's a replay of our finish. I guess we can call that a Memorial Mop-Up? Post-match, Terri tries to take the mop remains from Saturn - but Saturn grabs it back...and holds it close. Heyman offers all that mop needs is two balloons to look just like Terri. Play Saturn's music 'cause he's got a MOP!
Taker and the missus are WALKING! "You ready for this?" "I think so." They're stopped by Kane. "Bro - hey Sara - you know if uh, Page decides to bring any of his buddies from WCW, I gotcher back." "I thought you might - and I know you do. Thanks, Bro!" Hmm, does Kane hang around at his brother's house with that mask on, you think?
Chyna (who?) shills Stacker 2
It's the Overdrive of the Week and it's brought to you by Greyhound! Also, it's DDP unmasking himself - he wants to be made famous, and he'll see him at King of the Ring.
Still hot on the trail of McMahon, Austin runs into Chris...Chris....the trainer dude. "Vince! You seen Vince McMahon?" "I think he's already left the building." "The hell you say! He couldn'ta left the building! He wouldn'ta left without tellin' Stone Cold goodbye!" Austin keeps looking at him as he walks off, his face showing abject disbelief. "VINCE! Hey Vince!"
TAKER (with Mrs. Taker) keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin' to the ring. "Who in the HELL is Diamond Dallas Page? Well let me tell you who he is. He is the sorry son of a (beep) that I will beat the hell out of the first chance I get. So Page, lemme see if I've got this straight. First, you trespass on my ranch, you hide in the woods, and you peep in the windows at my wife like some kinda pervert. And on top o' that, you're gonna videotape it all and show the whole world what my private life's all about. And you did this because you want to be famous. Page, you're not famous because...you suck. You see over the last ten years - some people call it a Decade of Destruction, I've compiled a list - and on this list is the name of every wrestler that I have kicked their ass. And believe me, Page, on that list there are a lot of famous names. But I don't want you to worry, because Page, your name is going at the top. It's gonna say 'Diamond Dallas Page.' Basically, I'm gonna make him famous for givin' him THE worst ass kickin' I have ever given anybody! Diamond Dallas Page, DDP, King of the Ring....PLEASE show up. I'M BEGGIN' YA." A voice rises over the PA. "'ey yo, yo - yo it's me - D D P - Diamond Dallas Page - and I see you, Sara - I see you, Taker - but where am I?" On the OvalTron? "Taker! You're there at SmackDown!? Damn! 'cause I'm here - where's here? Hehehehehe - where else, YOUR place? So, let's take a tour!" Back to the voiceover - "Okay now, here we are in the bathroom, oh my. I've took - I've seen this, is this the shower? Oh yes. I have seen Sara lookin' SO fine in that shower, oh yeah. And now we're out at the pool. Now where are those big, badass dogs? Oh, that's right - they must be sleepin'! Yeah, of course they are! And look at this, what a great touch - right off the pool, we've got the bedroom - the PUHLAYPEN - now, this is a nice touch, you know, I like the granite, and what's in here (unmentionables drawer) - ohhhhh yes - oh yes, and, like I said Sara a VERY nice touch. Oh, oh, that, that works for me, too - let's put the camera over here - Gee I wonder if there's ever been a camera over here before. Yeah. Oh oh! (Page tries out the bed) My my my - like floatin' on a cloud, doin' a little pushin' up and down again. That's right, I'm gonna be havin' myself one HELL of a time here, you guys have a great time in Orlando, and Taker, I will see you at King of the Ring this Sunday - I'm BEGGIN' ya - MAKE meh FAMOUS!" Taker gives a cold stare - looks back at his wife...and we're out
King of the Ring spot - ever notice they only hype the Triple Threat match and NEVER hype the tourney?
Here's a look at the Waterhouse Centre sign - very nice
During the Break, the Austins came back into McMahon's dressing room - only to find all the gifts neatly arranged on the sofa. "Look at this - it's all Vince's stuff that I give him! All my stuff that I - it don't make sense. It had to be business, had to be some real important business because he wouldn't have just left his stuff. He wouldn't have just left the stuff." Austin hands Debra the bow, arrows, and hat, while he picks up the photo - "this is real special to me." "Don't forget my cookies!" Austin shoots her a look - and forgets the cookies. "Let's go."
(YOSHIHIRO) TAJIRI (with Commissioner Regal) v. KAI (with Tai) - "Tajiri! You have disgraced yourself for the last time! Your portrayal of the Japanese is insulting and degrading! Nobody likes to see stereotypes! Hahahaha! You see, Tajiri, you may serve tea and kumquats, be we serve EEEEEEEVIL. Prepare to DIE, ahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahaha! Ha!" Funaki: "InDEEEEEEED." Heyman: "JR, did you notice that the words don't match what their lips are saying? It's amazing!" Tajiri assumes the samurai position while Michinoku opts for the sumo - and the crane. Tajiri tries a couple kicks and Taka runs to the corner - Tajiri ducks a swing, Taka ducks a kick, lands a kick, and an open-handed slap. Tajiri slaps back. Taka slaps, Tajiri slaps, Taka, Tajiri - Taka pokes his eyes. HA! Windup...big uppercut - cover - 2. Knife-edge chop - into the ropes - but Tajiri busts out the springboard handspring elbow. Knife-edge chop (woooo!) - into the opposite corner is reversed - Taka runs at Tajiri, but he's up and down with a body scissors, into the ropes for the Tarantula! Referee "Blind" Tim White gets the break at 4. Funaki up on the apron - full nelson - Tajiri escapes just as Taka reaches them, but he stops himself. Tajiri kicks, Michinoku ducks but Funaki doesn't. Into the ropes - BIG powerbomb by Tajiri. Winding up for the kick to the head - and see ya. 1, 2, 3. (1:45) Regal approves - Tajiri tries for a hug, but Regal brushes him away.
UP NEXT: Nobody's talking but the graphic - tag team titles on the line!
"Tough Enough Casting Special" spot #2941917481838499329203041038275612751
Time now for the RC Cola Rewind! From RAW, Jericho and Benoit secure a double submission on Austin
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: THO SE DAMN DUDLEYZ (with Earlier Tonight) v. CHRIS BENOIT and CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - I dunno, I kinda *like* that "Postcard from Dudleyville" T-shirt D-Von is modeling. Benoit and Bubba Ray start. Lockup, knee by Dudley, overhand right, again, chop, slap, clubbing forearm, head to the buckle, forearm to the back, right to the body, right, overhand right. Open-handed slap. Benoit puts the boots up - but Dudley is back on him with four rights to the body and one to the back. Into the ropes, Benoit slides under - hooks the arm - dueling backslides, Dudley breaks the attempt - knee in the gut, over hand right, right, into the ropes, Benoit holds on and reverses, pulls him in and hits a German suplex! Trying to hold on for two but Dudley elbows out - off the ropes - belly-to-belly overhead suplex! Benoit makes the tag - here comes Jericho - right, kick, kick, kick kick kick kick, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, but Jericho gets the elbow up - second rope...Dudley buries a first in the gut on his way down. Tag to D-Von - who runs into a hiptoss. Right, chop, chop, chop, into the ropes, Dudley ducks and hits the flying clothesline off the ropes. Side Russian legsweep, into a cover for 2. Crowd wants tables - did they forget who the heels were? Into the ropes, head down, Jericho kicks, and fashions an enzuigiri. Tag to Benoit for an open kick. European elbow, snap suplex. Dudley comes back with rights - into the ropes, Bubba Ray with a knee in the back - Benoit turns back to strike him with a right, then turns back to grab D-Von's arm - crossface! Bubba Ray makes it back in to kick Benoit in the head. Jericho is over to punch Bubba Ray, and gets in an elbow before referee "Blind" Earl Hebner interjects and tries to put Jericho back in his corner. Bubba Ray manages another kick in the head to halt the crossface. Bubba Ray staying in - chop, scoop, slam, and D-Von hits the headbutt to the graun. Heyman says "wassup" in a rare memory lapse. Bubba Ray drops the hammer and covers - but only gets 2! D-Von is setting up the wood on the outside as Bubba Ray hits a headlock. Jericho playing cheerleader...and succeeding in fostering cheers! Benoit to his feet - elbow in the midsection, elbow, elbow, right, off the ropes but Dudley hooks the clothesline and hits the Bubbabomb. Elbow in the back - now hitting a camel clutch (!) Jericho decides HE better set up a table out on the floor for later, as well. Dudley decides to break the hold to ask Jericho what the hell he's doing - Benoit manages a schoolboy - but only gets 2. Dudley mounts Benoit - four or five elbow to the head - in the corner, and tagging out. D-Von with nine snap rights, and a stomp. Into the corner - whip into the opposite corner is reversed, but D-Von puts up the elbow. D-Von on the second rope - legdrop MISSES! Maybe he should've said "ahhhhhhhh" first. Both men are down - both partners looking for tags. Both men up - Benoit ducks a swing - German suplex! NOW Benoit rolls to his corner - HOT TAG TO JERICHO! D-Von manages a tag as well - Jericho ducks Bubba Ray's clothesline and punches D-Von - simultaneous rights by Bubba Ray and Jericho, now only Jericho, another right, into the ropes is reversed, but Jericho comes off with the flying jalapeno! Clotheslin! Clothesline! Springboard dropkick for D-Von on the apron! Right for Bubba Ray, into the corner, bulldog out - Lionsault! D-Von in - double leg takedown - Walls of Jericho! But...he's not the legal man and even ROSS knows it! Bubba Ray tries a swing - Jericho ducks and hits a death suplex - tag to Benoit on the top rope - SWANDIVE HEADBUTT!! 1, 2, D-VON SAVES! All four men back in - Benoit and D-Von trading punches while Jericho punches away on Bubba Ray - but Bubba Ray manages to come to and dump Jericho over the top to the apron. Benoit's whip of D-Von is reversed, and you know what comes next - 3D (Dudley Death Drop). 1, 2, Jericho pulls Bubba Ray out to the floor! THEY get to trading rights - Hebner is out after them...and so is D-Von. Right hand for Jericho, there goes the commentary table top and the monitors. Heyman: "What the hell are you doing?" D-Von has Jericho up - looks like he wants the powerbomb - NO! Jericho with a back body drop - and D-Von sails through the table! Hebner's gonna let all this go, yup. (Well, they're not the legal men, are they?) Bubba Ray is over - right, right, scoop - and dropping him on the barricade - Jericho making sure to clock Hebner on his way down. Bubba Ray grabs the bell and goes back inside where Benoit is JUST coming to. But Benoit grabs the arm as Bubba Ray comes in - and gets the crossface! Bubba Ray taps (!) but Hebner is still out! And now MY NAME IS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is out - WWF title belt RIGHT to the back of Benoit's head, putting him out. Bubba Ray slowly crawls over and drapes an arm over Benoit as Austin runs back alongside the stage. Hebner doing a slow crawl as well..... 1......... 2........ 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have new tag team champions. (Riverside 9:09) Jericho helps Benoit up...and they turn to face Austin - who gives them a (just out of camera range) double bird. Austin walks backstage, and a camera follows...
...where he finally catches up with Vince. "You see what I just did?" Vince does everything but roll his eyes. "No, what'd you just do." "I just cost Benoit & Jericho the tag titles. Where the hell have you been?" "You know where I've been? I've spent the better part of the night in the emergency room with Michael Cole. Now I really don't give a damn about him except for one thing - he's threatened to sue MY ass and my company. And you know what? I think I've talked him out of it! But he may sue you - and if he does, it's coming out of your wallet. Now, you know what? You gave me an ultimatum last Monday, and I told you I've been thinking about this, and I still am...but I gotta tell you this, Steve. Come this Sunday, you're on your own - I'm not gonna be at King of the Ring. You're on your own." Austin goes for the Hug - but Vince stops him. "No no - no no - what I'm trying to say is this - you gave me an ultimatum, now I'm gonna give you one. And it's simple: on your own, you either leave King of the Ring (stops another hug) as the WWF Champion...or you and me...we're through. We're done. Think about that. Think about it." Vince walks off as all the expression leaves Austin's face.
Twelve seconds of silence.
Yeah, they snuck a "Tough Enough is next on MTV" into the closing credits, too.