I *think* KMAX is doing some strange local pre-emptions on the ad side, so if I miss making fun of your favourite WWF-related spot, it's probably the fact that the local UPN affiliate here HATES YOU.

Which affiliate? UPN! And what night? THURSDAY! I think it bears repeating that this bumper may be the most widely seen, most obsolete display of talen assembled in a clip - here's the roll call one more time: Rock, Chyna, Chris Jericho, Dudley Boyz, Trish Stratus, Triple H, Eddie Guerrero - ay

TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

LAST MONDAY: Wow, great, a Special Look at our Vince/Torrie "story" - gosh, that strange blue tinting sure makes their backs look kinda... umm... ROUGH - say, go read the RAW report but don't say I didn't warn ya - it's not worth it - yikes, what's up with that weird background music?

Opening Credits - Close Captioned

BOOM BOOM BOOM - once again from the TacomaDome and transmitido en espanol SAP, tonight on UPN and the Score, 5.7.1 from Tacoma, WA (taped 3.7) - what did I forget? Oh yeah - THIS... is WWF SMACKDOWN!

TONIGHT: WWF Tag Team Championship - Dudley Boyz vs. Spike Dudley & Chris Jericho!

TONIGHT: WCW Championship - Booker T. vs. Diamond Dallas Page!

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO & SPIKE DAMN DUDLEY v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) - well, on one hand Jericho beat the champs by himself, so he should have no problems teaming with Spike - on the other hand, Spike couldn't beat the champs teaming with Kane, so how can he win teaming with Jericho? Gawrsh, I guess it IS an "any given night" kinda thing. Hey, this match is FIRST? Hmmm. Sure enough, there's referee "Blind" Earl Hebner jerking the curtain one more time. Jericho and D-Von start - kick by D-Von, right, right is blocked, Jericho right, right, right, right by D-Von to come back. Right in the corner, right, right, kick, kick, right, right. Pulling him back up for a....right. Into the opposite corner - Jericho springs out with a clothesline. Kick, into the ropes, D-Von ducks the clothseline, but not the chop - chop, chop, into the ropes, knee in the gut - armdrag. Off the ropes, springboard dropkick and D-Von goes out. Bubba Ray in - backdrop by Jericho, dropkick puts him out - Spike in, Jericho on all fours - there's a boost on the plancha! D-Von rolled back in for Jericho - scoop slam - oh, no, Jericho holding D-Von for "What Are You Doing?" from Spike! Of course, Bubba Ray is protesting SO much that Hebner looks at him instead of the illegal headbutt. Spike winds up - then hits a Piper eyepoke - into the ropes is reversed - Spike ducks the clothesline - gutshot, going up for the 'dog - but D-Von catches him and sits him on top. Bubba Ray decides to Tree of Woe him while he's sitting up there. D-Von with stomps in the gut, and Spike falls back to the mat. PlayStation Double Feature. Back to the corner - open shot by Bubba Ray - right, right. Into the ropes, BIG back body drop. Bubba Ray measures an elbow...but decides to just walk over his face instead. PlayStation Double Feature of the backdrop. Tag to D-Von - Spike into the ropes for a HUGE double flapjack. How about another PlayStation Double Feature? Spike put in the corner - evades the splash, but D-Von dumps him on HIS attempt - Spike ducks the clothesline and runs the apron - into Bubba Ray's boot, which puts him on the floor. Bubba Ray over with a right, then rolls him back in - D-Von covers - 1, 2, Jericho saves. Scoop...and a slam. D-Von to the second rope - legdrop MISSES (that must be like Bubba Ray's senton) and both men are down - crowd clappin - tag to Bubba Ray, HOT TAG to Jericho! Duck, off the ropes with the flying jalapeno! Off the ropes with a clothesline! Off the ropes, ducks Bubba Ray, shoves D-Von to the floor, Viscera kick for Bubba Ray! Into the corner, bulldog out misses, but Jericho recovers - double leg takedown and Walls of Jericho! D-Von makes it back in, though - Jericho lets go and forearms HIM. Tag to Spike - D-Von tossed out - Jericho after him - missile dropkick by Spike on Bubba Ray - 1, 2, NO!! Spike punching away on Bubba Ray - off the ropes - sunset flip attempt - Bubba Ray has too much mass, though - duck-walking to the ropes...but Jericho is up on the apron! Right hand and Bubba Ray falls backwards - 1, 2, NO!! D-Von grabs Jericho off the apron and throats him on the barricade - ouch. Back in the ring, Spike goes for the 'dog once again - Bubba Ray throws him off again - Spike ducks a clothesline from D-Von, but falls into 3D (Dudley Death Drop) - Bubba Ray covers - 1, 2, 3. (6:38) Here's a replay. Coming back, Jericho pounds both Dudleyz in the back before they can add any insult to injury. Play HIS music - 'cause he LOST!

To the Fun Room, where Vince paces about in his cabana shirt - yes, he's wearing pants. Here come Steve and Debra - she carrying three packages. "How ya doin'?" "I'm not doin' good at all, I - you know, I mean last Monday was a nightmare for me, I've never been...seen with my pants...and my underwear were down around my ankles...I mean, and that woman - that conniving woman - I mean, and..." "She set you up." "That's exactly what she did, and....I'm not over it. I just can't come to GRIPS with it, I'm not over it." "You've got to get yourself together, man.... You're Vince McMahon!" "I know I am, but..." Debra: "Well, if you don't mind ME sayin' - Mr. McMahon, I think you TOTALLY got what you deserved." "This is Vince McMahon, Debra...he didn't deserve to be humiliated on--" "Yes he did." "No he didn't!" "Hey - I brought something to lighten the mood a little bit. I brought you a present. I brought you a present from Texas." "You - really, for me?" "Yeah!" "You'll love it." "Really?" "And I was...well I was in the gift-givin' mood, so I bought myself one too." "Yeah?" "Got it right here." "Umm...should I open it now?" "Well...let's open 'em together!" "All right, let's open them together!" And so they do. Smiles all around as a pair of white cowboy hats are produced. "You like it, don't you?" "I can't believe you did this for me." "You know, being from Texas and all, I thought this would be the thing to cheer you up." "Well, here goes..." "Put it on, pardner!" HA! "What do you think, Debra?" "Oh, that is SO you." "Goes with the shirt, doesn't it?" "Oh, absolutely." "You look great." "Oh, thank you." "HOW ARE YA DOIN' THERE, COWBOY?" And now for more fun, here's Kurt Angle. "Hey how are you? Vince, how are you doin'." "Kurt how are you doing." Vince takes the handshake - Austin doesn't. "Well - I'm here. ...hey, I don't know if you guys realise this, but you have the same, identical cowboy hats on!" Pause for laughter. "Look, I don't know if you remember what happened to me on Monday, okay?" "Yeah, yeah, Vince, I'm really sorry about that...." "And...you know what? And, and Steve...brought me a gift. This is a gift from Stone Cold Steve Austin all the way from Texas, and quite frankly, it's doing a hell of a lot to cheer me up." "I'm glad." "That's great." Angle mopes - maybe fights back tears. Austin: "What's wrong." "Well, you got Vince a gift - you even got yourself a gift...you didn't get ME a gift." Austin laughs. "You know, you think Stone Cold Steve Austin's a big tough guy all of the time, but..." taps his chin. "I gotcha something, you little rascal. Yeah, I didn't forget about you! You and me are pals! I like ya - not very much, but I like ya." "Is that it?" "Here it is - it's for you." "Oh man, this is great." "Sit down, open it up." "Aw, guys!" Vince and Austin adjust their hats as Angle, behind them, opens his package...and puts on his hat. "Hey guys, how's this look? I feel like a real cowboy. Yippee-kie-ay!" Angle reveals his hat - a kids hat, complete with red sheriff's badge emblem. "You look great." "Tank you. I FEEL great!" "You look really great." I guess Austin's disappointed Angle doesn't recognise it's a kid's hat...? Whatever, Angle looks DAMN funny, and that's all that counts.

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Commentators shill "Player's Club"

Your hosts, by the way, are MICHAEL STONE COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. There's tension in the locker room, yo - it's all them WCW folk

Earlier Tonight, Earl Hebner told Nick Patrick to keep his crappy shirts on his side. Things degenerated to...get this...a shoving match. Say, who holds back the referees when REFEREES fight? Hebner's got a point about their shirts, though...

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GIVE CRASH HIS LAST NAME BACK (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. JACQUELINE (with "Next week, the San Francisco Giants game pre-empts SmackDown! until Saturday" crawl) - Crash runs right at her and barrels her over - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Pulling her to the ropes - chinlock, trash talk. Pulling her back up - into the ropes, Jackie ducks, slides under, forearm, forearm, ducks a clothesline, chop, chop, Crash with a knee, and a forearm in the back to put her down. Toss through the ropes. Crash checks his nose to see if it's broken - yikes! Crash tries a baseball slide and misses - Jackie hits a clothesline. Tonight: Booker T. vs. DDP! Jackie runs the arm into the post - then pulls him into the ring by that arm. Crash goes to the face. Kick in the gut, kick, into the opposite corner, but misses a clothesline in the corner - Jackie with an armdrag - arm wringer - I think she's picked her body part, but Crash yanks her hair and pulls her back down to the mat. Elbowdrop - MISSES. Jackie back to the arm wringer. Crash winds up for a punch - Jackie pulls the arm and he forgets. Jackie climbing up the corner, STILL holding the arm - legdrop on the arm to the canvas! Into the corner - Crash gets a knee up to stop her. Crash going for a DDT, but Jackie slips out and manages another snap arm wringer, taking him down - going for the tornado DDT but Crash reverses into a Northern Lights with bridge...for 2. Crash going up - Jackie crotches him - Crash's nose IS bleeding - Jackie climbing up - looks like a Frankensteiner! 1, 2, 3! (3:14) I'm awaiting word from the slashwrestling.com official scorer... Number of times "Tough Enough" said during this segment: 8

This month's WWF FANatic Presentation is "WWF Hardcore!"

Edge & Christian shill Stacker 2

The WWF Rewind is brought to you by RC Cola! From RAW, Jeff Hardy saves Trish Stratus from the Big Show

In the locker room, Trish catches up to Jeff...and thanks him for the save. Jeff starts to say he dropkicked the Big Show not to save her, but just to...but catches himself and stops. Matt and Lita barge in. "I'm not here to cause problems - I was just here to thank Jeff." Off she goes - suspicious looks all around. Jeff: "What's goin' on?"

Cole reminds us that Lita is still mad that Trish kissed Matt last week - man, I forgot all about that. I guess it's a good thing he reminded me, then!

Let Us Take You Back to RAW where the historic WCW Championship matchup ended in...a run-in. At least Angle and Austin got some yuks outta me by beating up Buff Bagwell after it was all said and done.

Earlier Today, the all-seeing WWF cameras caught Booker T. entering the building. Hardcore Holly met him first. "Oh Booker, you're back for some more, huh? Enjoy yourself last Monday night?" Booker goes through the second door to find Raven, Buchanan, K-Kwik, Goodfather, Haku and the APA clearing a path for him. As he walks by, Bradshaw can't help it: "Boy that was a hell of a (beep) whuppin' you took Monday night, Booker." Faarooq: "Damn shame - how you feelin'? DAME." Booker turns back. "Yeah I got my (beep) kicked. I might get it kicked tonight. But you know what? I'm the WCW Champion...tonight, I'm gonna defend the WCW Championship." Off he goes. Is that respect in the APA's eyes? Naaah

"What the hell is Booker T doing here?" "He didn't get enough last Monday night?" "No he didn't, I guess." "I guess he'll just gonna have to get more tonight." There's a knock - Angle is dispatched to get the door. "Who is it?" "Mr. McMahon." "Ahhh, and who are you?" "I'm Mike Holmes." "Oh, sure, come on in...come on in, he's right in here." "Vince McMahon?" "Yeah?" And he slaps an envelope on him. "Have a good day, sir!" "'Have a good day, sir?' Do you know who you just let in here?" "No." "Do you know what this is?" "No." "It's a damn summons, I'll guarandamntee it!" Austin: "What are you thinkin'?" "He asked for Mr. McMahon, I let him in--" "Loosen the damn string on your damn cowboy hat!" Vince opens it. "I gotta be in court...on the 23rd of this month...for that witch's settlement." He rips it up. Austin: "Look what you caused! I tried to settle this guy down! Gimme the hat back." "You're not gettin' my hat!" "Gimme the hat back, you don't deserve it!" "No way - no way!" "Gimme the hat." "If I give you my hat back...you're an Indian giver." "You're a jackass!" "No, I'm not - I'm not a jackass, you're an Indian giver." "Jackass!" "Indian giver." "Jackass." "You're an Indian giver!" And so on... Vince: "DAMMIT! Dammit PLEASE! I just got SUBPOENAED!" "Jackass!" "Indian giver."

Catch the WWF Live! Saturday tix go on sale for San Diego and Uniondale!

WCW CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: BILLY KIDMAN v. SHANE - CHECK THAT, GREGORY HELMS - SCOTT HUDSON & ARN ANDERSON take the commentary position as the WCW graphics take over. No word as to why he's Gregory now - must be a Regal thing. Later tonight, Booker T. vs. Diamond Dallas Page! Let's go: lockup, side headlock by Kidman, Helms elbows out - off the ropes, Kidman with a rollup for 1. Sunset flip for 2. Right hand by Helms. Right by Kidman, right, right, right, right - into the corner, Helms dumps him on the charge - shoulder to the gut by Kidman, headscissors takeover back in - nice dropkick takes him out - PESCADO by Kidman! (Hudson: "tope") - hmmm, X-Pac watching on the Magic Window - Helms put back in, Kidman climbing up top...plancha (sorta) lands - 1, 2, no. Forearm by Kidman - into the ropes is reversed, head down and Kidman kicks. Dueling hiptosses all the way to the ropes - Helms wins and Kidman goes up and over...and out. Helms out after him. Stomp, stomp, stomp. WOW Catapult - into the ringpost! Kidman tossed back in - Helms with the press - 1, 2, nope. Sidewalk slam - check that, it's a backbreaker across the knee - again Helms gets 2 from referee "Blind" Charles Robinson. Going for the Vertebraeker but Kidman forearms out of the attempt - running to the corner and Kidman hangs on to hit the bulldog. Kidman with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, into the ropes, Kidman slides under a kick and hits a Rydeen bomb for 2. Sternum first into the corner, but Helms ducks the clothesline off the ropes - Sugar Smack! Make that a "Gregory Smack" - 1, 2, Kidman gets out. Going for a front suplex but Kidman fights the attempt - falcon arrow by Kidman hits. Kidman's going up top - shooting star press (!) MISSES! Helms picks him up - Nightmare on Helms Street! 1, 2, NO! I wonder if Big Show will use the Final Cut anymore... Helms going for the Vertebraeker...Kidman leans back and lands on his feet. Kidman on the shoulders - Kidman down to his knees, giving Helms a Pedigree-esque plant on his head - cover - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new cruiserweight champion. (SF 4:15)

Back to the Fun Room. "That woman - those women - those conniving women..." Vince says they're trying to ruin his reputation. Debra says she doesn't think that's possible. Vince says he won't let it happen - all he's gotta do is go to the public and tell his side of the story - they'll understand! "It's simply about ME telling the truth! Excuse me." Angle relates to Austin how he first learned to tell the truth back in the cub scouts. "The cub scouts?" "Yeah, cub scouts, Webelos, Boy Scouts...I did 'em all!" "What do you mean, 'you did 'em all?'" "Huh?" That one was kinda pretty weak.

Lugz brings the WWF Boot of the Week - from RAW, Torrie connives Vinces into a chance encounter with...his wife.

Christian gets friendly with Edge's trophy...as Edge comes in. He's got an IC title shot tonight but nobody's allowed at ringside for the match. "Oh...I guess I'll just stay here with this, then." Christian hugs the trophy.

MR. McMAHON (with the TV-PG-DLV ratings box) hits the ring - OH THANK GOD. This hour will ALSO be transmitido en espanol SAP - of course, it's eight to the hour, but I have a suspicion Vince may talk us up to 9 o'clock. Vince puts his hat on the ringpost - we look back to see Austin and Angle watching intently. "You know they say - they say when you come into this world, and when you leave this world, likewise you have nothing. I'm here to tell you that's just not the case. Because, when each and every one of you leave this Mother Earth when you die, you leave with either a good or a bad reputation. That's what you leave with - something dear to me. So, therefore, I would just like to state that my wife (Linda McMahon) would have you all believe...that, quite frankly, I have a bad reputation. My wife (Linda McMahon) would have you believe that I am a womanizer - that I'm a philanderer - a skirt-chaser - even a lech - and last Monday night, my wife conspired with WCW Torrie Wilson - and the two of them conspired against me and tried to ruin my reputation. And by the way, just for the record, I wasn't going to go that far with Torrie Wilson - I wasn't... I admit, I admit...I may have had a little lust in my heart - I admit, I may have thought about her soft, warm, moist lips...but I wasn't gonna let her go too far - I was simply testing Torrie Wilson's loyalty - that's all I was going to do, as a prospective WWF superstar. Now then, these last few days have been quite traumatic for me, and even tonight I've experienced quite a bit of trauma - I was served a subpoena tonight to appear before a judge on the 23rd of July of this month (huh?), one day after inVasion - and the subject matter is division of assets. Now, I must say that I'm coming before you here tonight to simply protect my reputation - to simply say to all of you that are here in this arena - each and every one of you - to say that, to all the people all over the world who may be listening to me as we speak, and to say to that judge who may be presiding over this division of assets on the 23rd of July...I'm simply saying...I'm sorry. ... No, I...if I've ever caused anyone any pain, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry...from the bottom of my heart. I'm sorry..." Crowd chants "Bullshit." "No - believe me - no, I - I - I'm sorry! I'm sorry for the pain I've caused - I'm sorry for the heartbreak that I may have given! I'm sorry for being misunderstood! I'm sorry for being misinterpreted! I'm sorry - I'm genuinely SORRY! My God, I'm sorry for having been born! I'm sorry--" "Mr. McMahon, please listen to reason!" It's COMMISSIONER REGAL & TAJIRI. I should point out that we've been cutting backstage to Angle & Austin - Austin has been holding his heart, and even wiping tears from his eyes in reaction to Vince's words. Vince, meanwhile, has made it down to both knees in his contrition. "I cannot bear to see you looking like this! Please, stand up - please. Mr. McMahon...it is your overwhelming kindness that has made YOU the victim. It is NOT your fault! It is not your fault!" Tajiri nods. Vince...HUGS Regal! This brings Angle and Austin to their feet. Shock. "You're right, Commissioner! It's NOT my fault! No - no it's not - it's not my fault that women find me incredibly attractive and irresistible! No! It's not my fault I happen to be a virile man! It's not my fault I happen to be charismatic! It's not my fault that I happen to be a self-mad billionaire that people take advantage of! It's not even my fault that my personal physician claims that I'm well-endowed! It's not my fault - and quite frankly, I don't have a damn thing in common with any of you here in this arena - THANK GOD! Thank God my name is Vince McMahon, and I'm DAMN PROUD OF IT!" Play his music! Regal and Tajiri applaud, while Angle and Austin share a look. WOW CAN YOU *IMAGINE* THE *WRESTLING MATCHES* THAT WILL COME OUT OF THIS...ohhhh actually no

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HARDY BOYZ (with Lita - and SmackDown! is brought to you by Stacker 2, the JVC Giga-Tube, and PlayStation 2!) v. THA 1 BILLY GUNN and WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW - I won't even BEGIN to explain how THIS match came about (mostly 'cause I can't) - something about Gunn and Show believing everyone's against them ... and they're right! Gunn and Matt start - lockup, to the corner - right by Gunn, kick, kick, kick, kick - not much of a clean break - into the opposite corner is reversed, but Gunn puts up an elbow - then rungs into an armdrag - and a second one - Hardy working the armbar. Gunn elbows out - into the corner - and runs into a drop toehold into the buckle. Tag to Jeff - doubleteam in the corner - to the other corner - Poetry in Motion - GUNN FLOP! Jeff covers - but only gets 2. Edge/Albert coming up next! Gunn breaks the armbar with a face rake - tag to Show - Jeff tossed into the corner - evades the elbow - evades the clothesline - going for a flying leap from the second rope - Show decides Hardy needs to take a flying leap, calmly catching him - stopping the 'rana attempt (ha HA!) from THERE - Hardy peppers him with punches again - Show throws him over his shoudlers and falls back into a Giant flapjack. Well it's a big forearm across the chest. Well it's a big headbutt. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda wants him off the hair - not having much luck there. Tossed into the corner. Well it's a big knee to the chest - another - well it's a big hair beal. Well it's a big elbowdrop. Jeff is dead. Well it's a big legdrop. Show drags Jeff to the centre - what's he gonna do now? First rope - second rope - ahhhhhhh - elbowdrop MISSES! Tag to Gunn - over in time, dragging him away from his corner - but Hardy manages the mule kick - and HOT TAG! Clothesline! Clothesline! Into the ropes, reversed by Gunn, but the head is down - swinging DDT gets 2 for Hardy. Right by Hardy, off the ropes but Gunn sidesteps and puts him through the ropes. There's a tag and there goes Show after him - behind everyone's back, Lita is in with a Cheaterana for Gunn, putting him outside. Show presses Matt over the top rope from the floor. Jeff flies over - Show shoves HIM away - shove for Matt, shove for Jeff - Matt grabbed in the choke - Jeff up top, though - missile dropkick! Matt dropkicks the knee - Twist of Fate!! Jeff going up top - swantonbomb LANDS! Matt Hardy with a top rope ahhhhhhh drop - but Chioda is putting Jeff back in his corner, and this allows Gunn to come in and hit his cobra clutch slam on Matt. Show makes the cover as everybody heads back into position - Chioda finally awake - 1, 2, 3. (5:21) Replay of the legdrop, the One and Only, and yeah.

Back to the room of fun - Vince, Austin, Angle, Debra, Regal and Tajiri. "Well then - so, tonight, I'm gonna go celebrate! I'm gonna go celebrate the fact that I'm Vince McMahon! That's what I'm gonna do, as a matter of fact, if it's all right with you guys I'm gonna take the rest of the night off." "You do that, partner." "Yeah! And, as a matter of fact, I think what I'm also gonna do, no offense Debra - I think I'm gonna go to the nearest nudie bar and have a drink. C'mon, Tajiri, you're coming with me - c'mon, let's go. C'mon. You'll be all right - guaranteed to have some fun." And...they're off, leaving Austin and Angle to scowl at Regal. Austin: "What were you thinking?" "Yeah, what WERE you thinking?" "What're you doin' hugging Vince McMahon." "I was just trying to console the poor fellow..." "Don't you ever..." "And Stone Cold means EVER..." "hug Vince McMahon again. You understand me?" "I think so, yes." "You make me sick." "Yeah - sick." "YOU make me sick." "He makes me sick." "Both of you guys make me sick." "Why do I make you sick?" "You do." "Well you make me sick." "You make me sicker." "Not as sick as he makes me!" "He makes me real sick!" "He makes me disgustingly sick!" "You make me wanna throw up." "Oh...ho...." "Top that."

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WWF INTERALBERTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAALBERT (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. KING EDGE (with ByTeThiS! hype) - How about a few words from the challenger? "Wow - this is like a mixed bag for me, Albert. On the one hand, I have a shot at the intercontinental championship - on the other hand, no one's gonna see it, because once they hear your music hit, they're gonna totally change the channel! That song is BRUTAL! Did you actually pay someone to sing that? I, King Edge the Awesome, am not dealing with the X Factor - I'm dealing with the CRAP factor! Edge hits the ring - and eats a right - and two more rights. Tossed over the top - Edge lands on the apron, slides under, gutshot, right, trying for a 'rana but Albert stops him - Edge with rights to the head, trying a sunset flip...Albert stops THAT as well. Got him by the throat, Edge breaks free before he gets ideas of using a finisher or something. Edge ducks a right and lands one of his own - ducks a left, right again, right, dropkick - off the ropes but Albert ROCKS him with a pump kick. We see Christian looking on - and eating popcorn from the King of the Ring trophy! Scoop...backbreaker. Holding on for a second backbreaker before letting go. Remember, the Giants are on next week. Right hand. Into the opposite corner, and Edge hits hard. Forearm in the back. Into the opposite corner - Edge slips out but Albert stops himself - Albert sidesteps the charge and helps Edge hit the corner. Albert puts him across his back - that's a yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaArgentine backbreaker, and that's 2. Sent into the corner again - elbow up by Edge...but runs into a bearhug. Edge punches out - bell clap - off the ropes but into a yaah clothesline. Off the ropes but nobody's home on Albert's splash. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long puts on the count - both men up at 4 - right by Edge - off the ropes - but into the double choke...SOMEHOW Edge counters into a DDT! Edge ducks a swing and hits the Edge-o-matic! Edge going up top - missile dropkick finds the mark! 1, 2, Albert kicks out!! Edge climbing to the second rope - Ten Punch Count Along stops at four as Albert uppernuts him. Baldobomb - oops, that's all I wrote. 1, 2, 3. Champ retains. (3:36)

The Midcarders have assembled. This week's roll call: Jerry Lynn, Hardcore Holly, Kai en Tai, Essa Rios, Haku, Bull Buchanan, Goodfather, Raven, and the APA...oh and Test. Faarooq: "I know how you feel, but I'm sure everyone here feels like I do - hey, we're sorry for kickin' your ass." Bradshaw: "Test, it was just bad information, that's all. Don't get hot, you'd have done the same thing, okay? Now come on now, have a damn beer with us! We apologise!" Test takes off - as Austin and Angle arrive. "I'm glad you guys are all... what's wrong with him? Anyway, I'm glad you guys are here, I've been wanting to talk to all of you. And I understand, I understand that y'all whipped Test's ass, and it's for a good cause - because you thought he was betraying World Wrestling Federation loyalty - that's whatchya thought! You was wrong and you whipped his ass and that's just too bad, but he's gonna get over it - it's gonna make him stronger...but what's happening here, guys, is right now we gotta stick together. We got the WCW invadin' the World Wrestling Federation right now. It's like a big bacteria, a big *viral*, a big - a big INFECTION that's comin' into the World Wrestling Federation, and right now if we don't band together, we ain't gonna be able to stop it. I'm telling you - Booker T. is here tonight, and Booker T. is the head of the snake - WCW is the snake - Bradshaw, if you wanna kill a snake, how ya kill a snake?" "You cut his head off!" All: "YEAH!" "That's right! Yeah, you cut off his damn head - that's what you do - so that's what we gotta do tonight, guys, stick together and we're gonna go make an example of Booker T. Are ya with me? Are ya with me? Are ya with me?" Everyone's whipped into a frenzy...until Angle starts talking. "Stone Cold is right! Yeah - our WWF Champion, he's ALWAYS right - and he could do this by himself if he wanted to, but no - because he's our WWF Champion, he could do this - but no no, he wants YOU guys WITH him! And I'll tell you what - he could kick Booker T.'s butt all OVER the place...just like he could kick every single one of your butts if he wanted to. Because he's Stone Cold Steve Austin...and I say you LISTEN to what he says! Because Stone Cold Said So. And I say we all stick together, as a team and we start with Booker T. tonight - what do you say, guys? Let's do it! Yeah, come on, yeah! Come on! Woooo! Come on!" Bradshaw: "You know, stickin' together is pretty important - why don't we, uh, get the hell out of our stick together and have us some beer - go get 'em, tough guy!" And they all walk off. Austin glares at Angle. "What?" Austin throws his hat to the floor and walks off.

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SCOTTY 2 HOTTY (with PlayStation presents inVasion!) v. DEAN MALENKO IS NO JAMES BOND (with Perry & Terri - and the mop) - lockup, side headlock by Malenko, takeover, head scissors by Hotty, back up, repeat side headlock takeover headscissors back up okay. Gutshot by Malenko, side headlock - Hotty powers out, shoulderblock by Malenko - nip up by Hotty - Malenko runs into a drop toehold. Dropkick by Hotty. Armdrag - working a pump handle - right by Malenko breaks it up - off the ropes - then Malenko holds on and Hotty's dropkick goes nowhere. Stomp by Malenko. Malenko grabs the knee, and drives it into the mat. Stomping the back of the knee. Kicking the back of the leg, kicking the front, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, standing on the knee. Malenko grabs the left leg - Hotty fires off an enzuigiri but Malenko ducks it, then drops the elbow on the back of the knee! Malenko going for the cloverleaf...but Hotty is way too close to the bottom rope. Malenko sits Hotty up top - right hand. Malenko on the second floor - Hotty holding onto the ropes to block the suplex - right to the ribs, shoving Malenko off - Hotty on top - missile dropkick (the Night of a Thousand Missile Dropkicks) connects! Saturn is enjoying sitting 'pon the lap of ring announcer HOWARD FINKEL - Fink enjoying it not NEARLY as much, it should be noted. Hotty with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, again, into the ropes is reversed, head down by Malenko, Hotty with a backslide for 2. Small package for 2. Gutshot by Malenko - going for the veritcal suplex but Hotty counters in midair and hits a schoolboy for 2. Off the ropes - flying jalapeno! Malenko put into the ropes, but hits a kick to the dropped head off of them. Powerbomb attempt flipped out by Hotty - off the ropes and going for the bulldog but Malenko has that scouted and ducks - forearm, going for a death suplex - Hotty punches out of THAT attempt. Hotty rolls out of the ring as Saturn comes in with Hotty's visor on - Saturn with a bizarre version of Hotty's dance, four quick hops, some pushups - HOO HOO HOO - Malenko gives Saturn a gutshot and tosses him out - Hotty up from behind with the bulldog - ay caramba - W O R M - and so on - hiya - 1, 2, 3. (4:10) Saturn appreciates the worm - Terri does everything but say "BAD SATURN"

Backstage, Page limbers up! Billy Silverman walks by and wishes him luck. Page takes several hours explaining why he doesn't need any luck. We learn that Kane is watching Sara but Taker is probably still somewhere in town - but if he wants to show up, Page would be happy to cut off his head with a Diamond Cutter. I wonder if Silverman ever thought he'd be back in the WWF...

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And now, the Blast of the Night! Blame JVC's Giga-Tube. From RAW, Angle and Austin attack Booker T. during his title defense...

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Here's a Special Video Look at Last Week's Episode of Tough Enough

Back to the Room of Fun. Oh, and the Giants game will pre-empt SmackDown! next week. "I can't believe it, I can't believe it. The ass whoopin' I give Booker T last Monday night, he dare step foot in a World Wrestling Federation arena - I don't believe it." "Well what are YOU gonna do about Booker T?" "What are you tryin' to say to me, woman?" "You're the tough guy!" Yeah - you're damn right I'm the tough guy! Booker T. got no business bein' here Debra! Look in my eyes! My name is Stone Cold Steve Austin! I am the World Wrestling Federation champion!" "And Stone Cold Steve Austin needs a breath mint!" Austin breathes on his hand to check that statement. "How you like that?" "I'll TELL you how I like that. I'm gonna go down there and I'm gonna whup Booker T.'s ass! I'll turn that sum(beep) upside down and I'll scrub the floor with him! I'll go down there and I'll toss him across the ring--" Angle leaps to his feet. "He would KILL Booker T! He would ANNIHILATE him!" "I'll stomp a mudhole in his ass and walk it dry!" "Stomp him." "Hit him with a Stone Cold Stunner." "Everything." "BAM! T--I'll pound knots on top of his head." "Beat him UP." "What could YOU do with him, tough guy?" "What could I do with him?" "Yeah." "Haa, I would bounce him around like a pogo stick - I would MANHANDLE him!" "Now you talkin'!" "I would hit him with my Olympic Slam WHAMMO." "Tell me about it!" "I'd put him in my ankle lock, I'd make him tap, UH!" "Tell me some more!" "And then I'd crank that ankle and I'd BREAK it in two." "AHH!" "Yeah!" "You'd break it?" "I would BREAK it!" "You'd do that?" "YEAH!" Austin offers his hand. "Thanks. I appreciate it." "Huh?" "GO GIT HIM, KURT!" "Well..." "You get that son of a (beep)" Angle thinks about it.. "All right." "You're the tough guy, go git him." "All right...just....hold onto my hat." "All right, man." "Be careful." "Go git him, cowboy."

TONIGHT: Booker T. vs. D.D.P. for the WCW Championship!

One more Tough Enough ad - featuring Triple H!

WCW CHAMPIONSHIP: DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE v. NAPPY T - if we take nothing else from this week....it IS good to see T. back in the ring. Page doesn't let him get through the ropes before striking - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, T fires back - right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, T ducks - elbow puts Page on the floor. T down the steps with a double sledge in the back. Head to the barricade. Knife-edge chop. Rolled back in - Page back up with a double sledge, stomp, stomp, right, right, into the opposite corner - T tries to reverse but Page pulls him into a shoulderdrive - another - going for the Cutter but T shoves him into the corner, then clotheslines him in the corner. Up for the Ten Punch Count Along, stops at three when Page drops him into Snake Eyes. Page stomps, stomps, grabs the arm and stomps some more. Picking him up for a short clothesline down. Again T is brought up - again Page hits the short clothesline. Stomp. T tossed through the ropes to the floor. Page out after him - T blocks, right, right, tosses Page over the table - and Page ends up kicking Hudson right in the ear on his way down - SHEEEEEEIT get that man some hazard pay. T with a right hand and Page falls over the barricade into the crowd. Superkick and Page is reeling. Page comes back, though - right, right. Right. So many moves to choose from - right. Clothesline puts him back near the ring. Page with a head to the table. Oh, look, a WCW logo on the table, too. Whee. T rolled in. Anderson compares Page to "a shark chummin'" - Page with a flying clothesline for 2. Page to the chinlock - and a butt to the back. Stomp. Stomp to the head. Page brings T up - right hand. Into the corner - avalanche from Page follows it up. T crumples to the mat - Page boots him. But T fires back - right, left, right right right - into the ropes - Page ducks the Harlem side kick (which nobody's yet called "Harlem" in the WWF) - gutshot by Page - OOOOOH POWERBOMB - 1, 2, NO!! Page argues the count with referee "Blind" Nick Patrick but doesn't get far. Right hand from Page. Into the corner - T ducks the splash and Page is hung up on top. Page slowly over - T with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right hand, clothesline...clothesline...into the ropes, reversed by Page, but T hits a flying jalapeno! T dares him to get up - gutshot - off the ropes with the axe kick - breakdancing back up - Harlem sidekick tags Page...and he goes outside. T out after him - Page drives a shoulder into the gut and, in turn, drives T into the apron. T thrown into the STEEL steps. Page grabs a chair on his way back in as well. Page gives Patrick a shove - oh well - DDT on the chair. Huh - I guess Patrick somehow missed ALL that, 'cause he's down to count - 1, 2, SHOULDER UP!! Page grabs the chair again...but it's... TAKER?!? Page turns to face him...allowing T to hit the surprise schoolboy rollup - 1, 2, 3 (well at least we got our...finish? Ukiah 7:07) and Page hightails it out of the ring and back up the ring - Taker trundling in lukewarm pursuit - we stick with the ring, where T is quickly joined by KURT ANGLE - got his back to him - forearm in the back - going for the Olympic Slam but T is out - right, right, right, gutshot, axe kick!! And T stays on his feet - now he has the belt...WHACK! Play his music! Angle plays mackerel until we move to...

Taker is outside - and he's found Page again. "Oh, you brave now, huh?" Just before he catches up to Page, he tells him "It don't look too good for you right now," and Taker turns round to find himself surrounded by Awesome, Chavo Guerrero, Bagwell, Storm, Stasiak, and Kanyon - six-way beatdown ensues culminating in them running him into a door - and then Page spears him into the door as well. Page begs them all off - "he's mine?" Here comes Shane McMahon, pulling off Page - "that's enough!" Page clotheslines him in the back! Into a metal door! And a right cross! The other guys ask Page what the heck he's doing. Booker is out, standing over Shane. Awesome: "This doesn't CONCERN you...CHAMP!" making sure to punctuate the last word with a shove - T pops HIM one and now it's a five-on-one on T. Page is standing over Taker - "You don't look so famous now! Nothing! You're nothin'!" Taker, Shane, and T are all left laying as the credits - and reminder that Tough Enough is next on MTV - come up.

SEE YA!!