One World Leader Attitude - TV-PG-DLV - WWF!

Let Us Take You Back to Last Thursday - and Last Monday

Opening (Close Captioned) Credits

SET IT OFF - coming to you from the Fleet Center in Boston, MA 16.7.1, this is WWF SMACKDOWN! It's three days from inVasion, but for now it's UPN, it's transmitido en espanol, and there are two huge main events in store...

TONIGHT: Dudley Boyz & Tazz v. Fun Brothers & Tajiri!

TONIGHT: Rhyno & Booker T v. Stone Cold & Kurt Angle!

But first...

As "Brand New Money" plays, SHANE O. MAC leads THE WCW SUPERSTARS to the ring. When Jim Ross says "dangerous Coalition," did anyone else think "wow, that's close to....Dangerous *Alliance*?" I notice the three referees are included in this group. After we get all of THEM to the ring (MAN they walk SLOWLY), "This is Extreme" plays...and out walk IT'S ALL ABOUT PAUL, STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT, and THE ECW STARS. Oh, look, the chyron guy is playing the "star/superstar" game again. Make what you will out of Paul walking ahead of Stephanie, too. I expect Shane will speak first...and Paul last. Sure enough: "This Sunday at inVasion, the course of our industry will be changed forever as we know it. It's not about who's best - the WWF has been best for years. But then again, they have never ever faced competition like this. I don't think you really understand what's going on - my sister and I have put every single cent of our life savings into this, into this very entity. We have divested ourselves of all WWF stock for this, for WCW and ECW. Something that I don't expect any of you to understand - none of you [well, he's right there] - you know why because none of you would ever take this financial risk - none of you have the guts to lay it all on the line, to lay it all out there - none of you! Not - no no no, none of you! And this Sunday at inVasion, that's exactly what we're doing, we're laying it all on the line. And this is nobody, I mean nobody, not Undertaker, not Kane, not Jericho, not Angle, not Stone Cold Steve Austin, no WWF superstar is gonna deny us from our destiny!" "The WWF has run its course!" "Slut!" "Do you really think an old, decrepit man like Freddie Blassie could make a difference? Do you really think 'the old Stone Cold Steve Austin' is gonna be able to stop this force? NOTHING can stop the WCW and ECW! Nothing can stop this inVasion! No force of nature and no act of God could stop this inVasion from happening Sunday night! [No court, too!] For you see, our father - Daddy should be reminded of one thing...Shane and I don't play in the interest of fairness, so this Sunday at inVasion, we're going to be playing...DIRTY." "Dirty, dirty! Oh, I know what everybody's thinking - Shane and Stephanie are gonna play dirty. But let's all be honest with each other. Let's all be honest with each other - it's a family tradition, after all. What did your father - how did your father play with your grandfather - Vincent J. McMahon? How did he play with HIS father, huh? How did Vince play with Vincent J. McMahon? I'll tell you how he played. Your grandfather lived for this business - and what did your father do? Your father took this business away from his father? And how long did Vincent J. McMahon last after that? A year? Fourteen months? Who was responsible for the death of Vincent J. McMahon? Vince McMahon. Who was responsible for taking your grandfather away from you? Vince McMahon - and why? Because he wanted to make it SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT. Well we're not ABOUT "sports entertainment!" WE ARE ABOUT WRRRRRESTLING! And we will bring back WRESTLING, dammit! No more sports entertainers, I wanna see WRESTLERS - WRESTLERS like WCW wrestlers - WRESTLERS like ECW wrestlers - and this Sunday at inVasion, I promise you, Vince...when ECW and WCW defeat the WWF, we will all stand over the grave of the World Wrestling Federation, and we will stand there and we will give the last rites - (something in Latin...hey, I'm Protestant, how would I know what he's saying? Ha!) - Amen. Death to sports entertainment! Death to the W - W - F!" Gosh, I'd be down with that if not for two things: 1) I kinda LIKE sports entertainment - in moderation and 2) everything Paul says just rings so HOLLOW anyway

Back to Vince's dressing room for the reaction of the chairman. Vince is kinda flat. There's a knock at the door - it's Chris Jericho. Did he hear what they'd just said? Vince says words hurt a little bit...but actions speak louder than words. Actions like Stone Cold - THEOLD Stone Cold leading Team WWF at inVasion - just like Jericho is going to lead them all in victory tonight against Diamond Dallas Page. "I'm not worried about PPD, Vince, but I wanted to come in here and ask if you heard what I said about Stephanie last Monday night on RAW." "What you said about my daughter?" "About your precious little daughter, yeah, I kind of insulted her a bit." "I don't know what you mean, I didn't hear it." Jericho repeats his entire speech from Monday. "Well, I'm a little upset with what you had to say - I would have much preferred it if you'd called her a....a no good, bottom-feeding, trashbag disgusting TRAMP! Now go out there and kick DDP's butt - good luck, junior!" Handshake - "you got it, Ju-- Senior." Vince looks in deep thought after he leaves. Is he thinking "Why would Jericho deliberately put himself in trouble by telling me what he said on Monday?" Perhaps he's thinking "did I forget to say 'filthy' when I rattled off that list of Stephanie insults?" I hope this is setting up a Jericho turn or something 'cause he sure looks like a PUSSY

Oh boy, an "Enterprise" ad that actually shows me Scott Bakula! Wooo!

Hey, there's a "Manhunt" ad! No mention of WWF involvement...yet

WWF New York ad - a real OLD ad, too

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (with Inaugural Brawl graphic) v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO (with Let Us Take You Back to Monday) - oh man, what happened to Tony Chimel's HAIR? If I forgot to make anything out of the fact that there's more ECW (WWF) guys than WCW guys on the W/ECW side of the match Sunday....well, just pretend I did. Or that there's nothing to make out of it, I'm not sure. You know what would have been even better than Earl Hebner running out to beat up Nick Patrick on Monday? If *Teddy Long* had come to Jericho's rescue! Of course, Jericho may have told him "hey, you got one of my arms tied behind my back LAST time - maybe you'd better just stay away this time." Anyway, with Nick Patrick standing in the ring for THIS match, I'm sure it'll be a wash, but let's watch it anyway. Oh GEEZ Jim Ross drops a Gary Condit reference - can we *PLEASE* LEAVE THE MAN ALONE already? Jericho makes threatening moves towards Patrick...but his opponent is Page - however, Jericho catches the punch attempt and unleashes his own - right, right, Page with a knee, into the corner, knee, elbow, left, right. Ross says Jericho would have brought a little prestige to the title...like a Flair or a Steamboat. Unlike that Booker T guy. Ugh. Chop. Chop. Raring back for a third, but Jericho switches postitions in the corner - Jericho with a chop. Chop. Chop. Into the opposite corner is reversed, but Jericho pops out with a clothesline. Off the ropes with another clothesline - off the ropes, Page tries a clothesline but Jericho ducks, Jericho with a crossbody for 2. Jericho with a knee. Right hand. Kick, chop, into the ropes, reversed, Jericho slides under...double leg, but Page is fighting the Walls of Jericho attempt. Jericho tries to choke up - Page pokes the eyes to break it up. Jericho ducks the first clothesline attempt, but not the second. Stomp, stomp. Page brings him up - shoulder drive - again - and into the short-arm clothesline. Page to the chinlock...then sits on his back. Sternum first into the corner...Page grabs a waistlock as Jericho backs out - Jericho with an elbow, but it's ducked - Page turns it into a belly-to-belly suplex - 1, 2, no. Page to the headlock. "Y2J" chant. Jericho back up - elbow, elbow, right, right, into the ropes, Page reverses into a knee in the gut - up...spin...and down with the powerbomb. 1, 2, Jericho kicks out. Page makes the sign and picks up Jericho...but Jericho spins around to try a backslide - no, he's too short, Page is going to hit a backslide of his own....Jericho unhooks an elbow and spins Page into a DDT! Both men are down - Patrick's count is up to five - Page is up at eight, but runs into a back elbow - right by Jericho, right, into the ropes is reversed, but Jericho hits the flying jalapeno! Running elbow - off the ropes with the bulldog - leg is hooked - but Patrick won't even drop down to count for Jericho. Jericho drops Page to run at Patrick, but before he can get his hands on him, Page is up from behind with a schoolboy AND he's got the tights AND Patrick fast counts 1, 2, HE KICKED OUT! Page stomps. Into the ropes, Jericho ducks the swing and alters course just slightly to give Patrick a forearm smash. Page tries another clothesline, Jericho ducks AGAIN - Page is having no luck here - Jericho with a dropkick to take Page out of the ring! Patrick is finally back up - and calling for the bell. (Cole: "For WHAT?" Me: "Weren't you CALLING this match?") (DQ 4:15 SF) Jericho takes Patrick down in a double leg - Walls of Jericho! Page is in with a chair - Jericho ducks - double leg - and now PAGE is in the Walls of Jericho! He goes ahead and taps (like that'll help) as Patrick crawls to the chair...but Jericho is over with a stomp on the chair. Patrick begs off - then rolls out of the ring. Jericho gives Page a chair in the gut - then a WHACK in the back - Page rolls out where Patrick rescues him - and raises his hand, even as Jericho's music plays.

To the Commissioner's office, where Regal has a spot of tea...and a sour puss, as he spies Paul Heyman reclining in his chair. "What on earth are you doing?" "Willie! I'm here to talk to you!" "What do you want?" "It's not what I want - it's what I can do for you, Commissioner." "And...pray tell, what exactly can you do for me?" "What can I do for you? See Commissioner, I can provide you with a future that most of these WWF clam chowderheads don't have anymore! Now you know as well as I do, Commissioner - on Sunday at inVasion, ECW and WCW are gonna prove their physical dominance over the WWF - we're gonna run the World Wrestling Federation half outta business this Sunday. And then Shane, Stephanie and I are gonna take care of that other half. And you know that to be true. Now if anything can ever be said about ECW - and you KNOW this, it stands for Extreme CLASSY Wrestling, and YOU, sir, are a class act. I dig the tie, the suit, the whole ensemble, and for nothing else, I love the accent. See, that's class - and that's what we want in ECW - nothing but KLASS. Now Stephanie, Shane and I have had a long discussion about you, and we feel that you fit in. So Commissioner, I know you're very loyal to Mr. McMahon, but it's time to say bye-bye to Vinny Mac...and join the *future* of this industry. Stephanie, Shane, myself - WCW and ECW comin' together...with the physical commissioner. Whaddaya think?" "Well, I think, Mr. Heyman..." "Call me Paul!" "Paul. Paul - GET YOUR BLOODY FEET OFF MY TABLE!" "Whoa, whoa, easy.." "How DARE you, you foul little parasite, come into my office and soil it with your ungrateful...filthy presence!" "Okay okay!" "You go, and tell those ungrateful toerag children of Mr. McMahon's, that they, like you, can go to hell! And if you don't go to hell, I will perform acts of violence on you that make the bloody devil cry! Now bugger off! BUGGER OFF!" Heyman knocks over the suit of armour in his attempt to hotfoot it. Regal makes a face...and straightens his tie.

WWF Magazine ad

It's the WWF LIVE! Sunday is inVasion in Cleveland, Monday is RAW in Buffalo, and Tuesday it's Pittsburgh!

LANCE STORM (with Awesome Mike Awesome & Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. CHRISTIAN (with King Edge - and Edge's music - and INVASION: THIS SUNDAY graphic) - "If I can be serious for a minute...this may not be the best city to talk about championships....but the fact that Edge & Christian have held seven World Wrestling Federation tag team titles says a lot about the quality - or lack thereof this company has to offer. At inVasion, Mike Awesome and mys--" Poor Storm, always cut off by music. Edge actually carries his own trophy! Christian and Storm go nose to nose, jaws are jacked, slaps are exchanged and we're off. Non-sequitur of the night, by Cole: "And speaking of SmackDown!...you know, JR, that Lance Storm doesn't have much charimsa!" WHUT Christian with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, into the ropes, Storm slides through and lands a back elbow - right, into the ropes, going for a sidewalk slam but Christian does a full flip - Storm ducks the clothesline, but not the second - over the top rope to the outside! Storm back up to the apron - Christian again hits "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine." Christian slides under the rope through the legs, then pulls Storm off the apron, cracking his jaw on the way down. Right hand. Christian stands over him and punches away, bringing referee "Blind" Earl Hebner (hmm) outside to break it up. Storm gets up...and punches Edge. Of course, this gets *Edge* involved, drawing over Hebner to keep HIM away. The chase is on...Christian ducks Storm's clothesline, but isn't ready for Awesome's. Awesome rolls Christian in - Storm stomps, stomp. Storm with some words - Christian with a gutshot, right, right, Storm pulls the hair to take him down. Storm pulls him up by the hair and slams him again. Stomp, stomp. Snapmares him over - legdrop. Regal-style cover - 1, 2, no. "Yankees Suck" chant - I guess the crowd is bored. Christian's head meets the buckle - Storm slaps him around - knee, kne, knee - Christian fires back with a kick, right, right, into the ropes is reversed but Christian tries a crucifix...Storm keeps his balance and counters with a forward roll (wow!) - 1, 2, Christian kicks out! Storm grinds in the forearm while pulling the hair - Hebner ain't happy. PlayStation Double Feature of the forward roll slam. Storm with another hairpull slam. Boot to the head. Again. Another stomp. Right hand. Right hand puts Christian down. 1, 2, Christian kicks out. Storm applies the headlock. Crowd comes to life as Storm cranks it in...Christian does make it back up - three elbows but Storm still has the hair - Christian finally breaks it up - right, right, off the ropes - Slop Drop backbreaker! Both men are down - Hebner is up to four as they rise. Storm right, Christian right. Storm right, Christian right, right, right, windup...right puts him down. Another right puts him down. Into the ropes, big back body drop, nice dropkick, leg is hooked, Christian gets 2. Storm comes back with a jawbreaker, but Christian recovers with a stun gun, and a shoulderblock off the ropes...for 2. Into the ropes is reversed, but Christian gets the back elbow up - on the second rope - inverted tornado DDT (!) - 1, 2, Awesome pulls Storm out of the ring! Here comes Edge and it's all breaking down again...Hebner outside to break it up - and of course, because he's a sap, he goes right for Edge. This allows Storm and Awesome to do a little doubleteaming - Christian back in the ring, Awesome with a chair...somehow Hebner notices this and gets back in the ring to keep the chair from behind used - meanwhile, Christians trick knee acts up on Storm - Edge sneaks in a SPEAR! as well - having finally put the chair out of the ring, Hebner turns round to count 1, 2, 3. (5:24) Play Edge's music! They walk off without the trophy (oops). Here's your replay. See, Hebner does his JOB, we are told.

A knock at the door - it's Sergeant Slaughter - he's got some news for Vince. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN'S HERE! Handshake and smiles all around. Vince says THEOLD Stone Cold again. "Yeah!"

Tough Enough ad

WWF SmackDown! returns in a moment on UPN!

All right! Hot babes on "Enterprise!" THAT'LL bring in the key nerd demographic!

Isn't the whole POINT of this Mountain Dew ad to make you think of "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon?" That must explain the disclaimer that says "This original production has no relationship with any motion picture." Yikes. I feel like I need a disclaimer for my show reports: "This original production has no relationship with any real writing done by any real author"

"Please Don't Try This At Home" PSA

Here's a look at a giant Budweiser billboard - I mean, the exterior of the FleetCenter.

While Torrie Wilson oils herself up (yow!), Stacy Keibler says "Torrie, this is gonna be so easy. I mean, Trish Stratus - what does she have to offer? Just make sure you hurt her out there." "Oh don't worry, Stacy, I will. But what I do to Trish Stratus out there tonight is gonna be NOTHING compared to what we do to her and Lita this Sunday at inVasion." Knock knock - it's Nick Patrick. "Hello ladies [he's VAL VENIS!] - I just want you to know that even though they've roughed me up out there tonight, I'm a team player, and so if everything goes to plan I will be the referee out there tonight in the arm wrestling match." Torrie's so grateful she has to kinda rub up against him. Poor Nick, his back STILL hurts, though...

Meanwhile, Regal is joined by Tajiri. "Tajiri, you wouldn't have *believed* it! I mean, that parasite Paul Heyman sat in MY chair with his feet on MY desk - yes! And to say I was miffed is an understatement, but I soon got rid of him. Anyway, back to Monday. I am so proud of the way that we took care of Tazz on RAW, and I know you're going to do the EXACT same thing at inVasion, but tonight...tonight is a very special night, because the Dudley Boyz and Tazz will be facing you, and you know who your partners are going to be? The Undertaker and Kane?" "Undertakerkane?" Tajiri does his dance of joy, then picks up the phone and calls somebody, no wait, that's just part of his dance. In come said partners, along with Sara. Tajiri is overjoyed to see them. "Hello, gentlemen..." He offers a handshake to Sara, but Taker slaps it away. "Hands!" "I just wanted to get you all together here before the match, because..." "What the hell's wrong with him?" "He's foreign, don't take any notice..." "Oh." Tajiri peppers Regal's speech with exclamations. "I just wanted to get you all together before the match because - I mean, your match is coming up, and...you're facing the Dudley Boyz and Tazz - I mean, you're representing the World Wrestling Federation - the best that the World Wrestling Federation has to offer - you're going to - and you're going to make a destructive force - a destructive force, I mean - and for any - if for any reason, I mean - if, if they get you down, I mean, if they get you down (Tajiri lies on the desk) I mean, you've just got to rise up (Tajiri does zombie situp) RISE UP, and I mean, you've got to grab them round the throat and chokeslam them to hell." (Tajiri gives himself a double choke) "You need to check his medication - come on." Kane: "Freak." Regal: "I think they like you." "(something in Japanese) hehehehehe..."

Meanwhile (3), Mr. & Mrs. Austin arrive at Vince's office - Debra gets a hug, Steve gets...a handshake. "Tonight is magic! This Sunday at inVasion is gonna be magic, and why? Why is it finally magic again? Because THEOLD Stone Cold Steve Austin is back, dammit! I never had a doubt, just for the record, I never had a doubt. Damn it's good to see you - stand up, man, come on." "What?" "Stand up, dammit! YEAH. GIMME A HUG." Austin stops him. "I don't wanna hug you." Vince looks at Debra...back at Steve. "It's a little dry in here." "It's hot in here. Stuffy." "You want something to drink?" Debra: "Yeah, I just think I'll have some water." "I'll have a water - you want a water?" "Yeah I'd love a water. I'd like some beer for later, but water'd be fine right now." Vince trundles off to get some water - and maybe regain his dignity.

Oh, *I* get it - there'll be an "Enterprise" ad EVERY break - okay

And now, the WWF Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz! From RAW, Molly tries to save Spike from the Dudley Boyz, but gets put through a table instead

THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box & INVASION THIS SUNDAY graphic) and TAZZZZZZZZZZ (with Transmitido En Espanol SAP and SmackDown! is brought to you by Corn Nuts, RC Cola, and Subway) v. (yoshihiro) TAJIRI and THE FUN BROTHERS (with Sara) - sharp-eyed viewers - or readers of this report (ha) - will catch Tajiri fall on his ass on the ramp when Kane's pyro hits...the watch Tajiri blindly charge ahead and get his ass kicked because he didn't wait for his partners! Tazz is all over Tajiri to lead the three-way beatdown - here come the troops - Kane works over D-Von while Taker gets Bubba...with Tazz patiently waiting his turn to be tossed out. Tajiri DOES get a dropkick through the ropes to Tazz. Bubba lands close to Sara - and gets a funny look. D-Von put into the corner by Kane - whoops, back outside where Taker has flown in to pound Bubba. Looks like D-Von evaded Kane's whatever-he-was-attempting attempt - down the back, right hand, right, off the ropes, ducks a Kane elbow, but runs into a Kane clothesline. Into the ropes, clothesline again. Bubba in - he gets a back body drop. Tazz in, he gets a right hand, right for D-Von, but Bubba manages a hot shot to turn it around. D-Von shoves him into the corner and tags. Tazz eats a right - Bubba Ray eats a right - Tazz ducks the next right and goes for a waistlock....Kane with a back elbow to break it - and a boot to the face. Going to tag Taker...but Tajiri wants it bad, so Kane (after consultation) gives Tajiri tha high five. Crowd gets happy. Gutshot, chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed (blind tag by Tazz), Tajiri ducks the swing, Tazz to the ropes and backs Tajiri out of his waistlock - Bubba Ray up from behind - Tajiri up on his shoulders - and pancaked to the mat, yow. Bubba Ray steps on his face and walks over. Head to the buckle. Open-handed slap. Right, right, right, Tazz making all kinds of noise but D-Von gets the tag. Right, right, right, right, right, right, kick, kick, pulled out of the corner, into the ropes, jumpin' back elbow. Tag to Tazz. Held open for the kick in the ribs. Snapmares him over, forearm across the face, again, again. Into the ropes, big clothesline. Next time you're bored, take a study of the camera angles used when the short guys (Tazz, Jericho) are in the ring - it's really quite fascinating. Lots of "up" shots from the floor. Right hand from Tazz - kick puts Tajiri on the mat. Into the corner - but Tajiri gets the boot up - BUT Tajiri runs smack into the HEAD AND ARM TAZZPLEX! Give that a PlayStation Double Feature! Tazz waits for Tajiri to get up - running clothesline MISSES, and Tajiri lands a crescent kick! Will he tag? YES! Here comes the Reaper - Big boot for Tazz, soupbone for D-Von onn the apron, elbow for Bubba Ray on the apron, clothesline for Tazz, sidewalk slam for D-Von as he comes in - gutshot for Tazz, off the ropes with the DDT! 1, 2, Bubba Ray JUST manages to save...but the followthrough dumps him in with Kane - it's all breaking down now - Kane and Bubba Ray outside - Taker and D-Von outside - Tajiri decides HE better strike, and climbs to the top - backflip off the top is pretty, but that won't get it done...and Tajiri backs into a Tazzmission. Taker back in...and got Tazz in the choke! CHOKESLAM!! Taker covers - 1, 2, 3! BY GOD, BOTH MEN WERE LEGAL! (4:54) Kane sets the 'buckles alight...Tajiri makes a face...Sara's just happy to be here. Here's a replay of the finish.

TONIGHT: Rhyno & Booker T vs. Stone Cold & Kurt Angle!

inVasion ad

Wow, TWO "Enterprise" ads this break! I was worried I might let a break go by without mentioning that show!

When we come back, Trish is showing off her cleavage...I mean, "psyching herself up for her big match." Lita walks in. "Hey, Trish." "Lita....I wanted to let you know I really appreciate you coming out for me tonight. This is getting crazy!" Lita came out for her? "Absolutely. And THAT is why we need to stick together! Look, I know we're not the best of friends, but we ARE WWF. And that is why look - this Sunday, not only are we going to BEAT Stacy Keibler and Torrie Wilson - at the inVasion bra and panties match...we are going to HUMILIATE them." "Oh yeah." "Absolutely, look - tonight, I'm not worried about you and Torrie." Knock knock - it's Earl Hebner. "'sups" all round." "Ladies, I hate to interrupt - but I know you have a arm wrestling match tonight, and you may have heard that Nick Patrick's gonna be the referee - well that cheatin' idiot is not going to - I am. He's cheated us so much here lately, our guys in our matches and I'm gonna make DAMN sure it doesn't happen to y'all." Off he goes. "I'll tell you another thing about tonight - Torrie Wilson's gonna find herself in a...situation she's very familiar with." "What do you mean by that?" "She's going....down." "Wow."

ACOLYTE BRADSHAW (with Acolyte Faarooq - and Vince McMahon on ByTe ThiS! hype) v. SEAN O'HAIRE (with Chuck Palumbo) - as on Monday, the WCW competitor hits the ring before intros are completely and quickly we're off. Bradshaw over the back, forearm, headbutt, into the ropes is reversed, head down by O'Haire so Bradshaw unleashes another forearm in the back - chop, right, chop, right, gutshot, DDT. HOLY SHIT LA MAGISTRAL BY BRADSHAW 1, 2, OHHHHHH he kicked out. Bradshaw's my new favourite wrestler! Bradshaw with an elbow. Knee. Into the ropes, reversal, O'Haire drops down and swings into a martial arts blow to the chest. Kneelift. O'Haire runs into the kick. Bradshaw responds with a shouldertackle that takes BOTH men through the ropes! Headbutt by Bradshaw out on the floor. O'Haire meets the STEEL steps. Kick. Right hand. Rolled back in as referee "Teddy Long" gets to 4 - Bradshaw in by 5 - up top - super shoulderblock! (Cole: "elbowblock") 1, 2, kickout. Palumbo on the apron - Bradshaw over to say howdy - Palumbo with a hot shot - ohhh. O'Haire has him in a fireman's carry...into a spinebuster! 1, 2, Bradshaw gets the shoulder up. O'Haire in the mount - six quick punches. Faarooq manages to deck Palumbo on the outside - guy in front row makes like Nelson Muntz - "ha ha." Commentators actually mention Faarooq is a former WCW Champion! O'Haire with a kick. Lifting him up - punching him down. Another right from O'Haire. In the corner, knee, knee, into the opposite corner, winding up for a spin kick and connecting on the jaw - leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. O'Haire decides to try again - Bradshaw decides to grab the bottom rope at 1 this time, as if to say "C'mon." Right hand by O'Haire - into the opposite corner is reversed, but O'Haire stairsteps up to the top, backflips back to the mat - Bradshaw is SO impressed he puts up a big boot for O'Haire to run into (heh)...there's an elbowdrop - 1, 2, no. I like the way Bradshaw is covering and adding a wristlock, too - that has a name but it's been so long since I've seen it that I've forgotten what it's called. Into the ropes, reversed, Bradshaw ducks the swing and bounces off with a shoulderblock. Into the ropes, back elbow by Bradshaw. Into the corner, reversal, splash by O'Haire is caught...and Bradshaw tosses him with the fallaway slam. 1, 2, O'Haire kicks out. Palumbo on the apron again - AGAIN Bradshaw drops everything to go talk to him - Palumbo ducks the right hahdn - O'Haire with a schoolboy and a tights pull - 1, 2, NO! Faarooq and Palumbo at it on the outside - Palumbo puts Faarooq into the table after a right hand - back up on the apron - where Bradshaw FINALLY lands a big boot! Bradshaw turns back - ducks the spin kick from O'Haire and off the rope with the HADES LARIAT - 1, 2, 3!! (3:53) This match was about a MILLION time better than I thought it would be...HEEEEEY this tag match Sunday might not suck! All right!

Let Us Take You Back to Yesterday and scenes from the great big Lita video premiere party - aka "people stand in line to pay money for an autographed video while Lita looks SCAAAAARY" - must be the makeup

NEXT: Arm-wrestling match - Torrie Wilson vs. Trish Stratus!

Edge & Christian shill Stacker 2

Wanna win live WWF tickets? Visit www.upn44.tv - or Safeway!

And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, presented by Subway! from RAW last Monday, it's women, women, women

TORRIE SAMUDA (with Stacy Keibler - and 1st Ever Bra & Panties Tag Match graphic) v. TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL (with Lita) in an arm wrestling match - strangely, BOTH Nick Patrick and Earl Hebner are in the ring. Jim Ross mentions he knows Nick Patrick's father personally - huh? Hebner is the man at the table. Now, if you've EVER seen an arm wrestling match, you know EXACTLY how it goes, but if not, well - they want to lock up, but the heel stalls. Finally, they lock up - the match goes about ten times longer than a REAL match, back and forth we go, back and forth, back and forth...and then there are shenanigans. In this case, JUST as Stratus is ready to win, Patrick elbows Hebner to the mat - Lita over to check on Hebner, and while that happens, Keibler pulls BOTH hands to the mat...and Patrick rings the bell to declare Wilson the winner. (0:43) Post-match, Lita spears Keibler right after she makes one of those "I'm just a girl" faces - looping rights. Meanwhile, Stratus shoulders Wilson into the corner. Patrick is set to break it up by grabbing him some Lita...but Hebner is up, and delivers the forearm shiver! Hebner with another forearm, a series of knees, and stomping a mudhole in him...and it's the WOMEN holding back the REF. "Thank you ladies! Thank you--" but Lita and Stratus doubleteam stomp him! Hebner...directs traffic! They finally relent of their own accord - Patrick stands up, and stomps the mat. "THAT'S IT!" He walks right into a forearm from Stratus, pinballs into a right from Lita, then a punch from Hebner that takes him out of the ring! Lita's music plays - and Hebner raises Lita and Stratus' arms. I dug ALL of this

To the Room of Fun, where Vince is on the phone. "I'm with you. You're not interrupting that much. (to Austin) Hang on for a second, it's my attorney. Yeah. No, tell me - just tell me the news. That's great! That's wonderful! Thanks! I'll be talkin' with ya, yeah. Ha ha ha - how 'bout that, can you believe, what a night this is. It's a night for celebration - absolutely, it is, I mean... You can't celebrate, you haven't had your match yet. But I just got news...my divorce proceedings are now officially...on hold. YES! YES! I got Theold Stone Cold back, this is gonna be a night for celebration - don't go anywhere, I've got just the idea. You're gonna like this, okay? You're both gonna like this one - I've got just the idea to celebrate. I'll be right back!" Debra and Austin look at each other...

Hey hey it's the hardcore smack of the night brought to you by Corn Nuts! CORN GONE WRONG From RAW, Rob van Dam and the Dudley Boyz beat up on the Hardy Boyz...because run-ins are HARDCORE

JEFF HARDY (with INVASION THIS SUNDAY) and X-PACTOR v. BILLY KIDMAN and ROB VAN DAM - strange...three men in this match have belts, ROB. There's pose #1 on the ramp. These parejas aren't as increible as you might think - Hardy and van Dam fight Sunday for the hardcore championship, while Kidman and X-Pac fight Sunday and I can't remember if they've said if it's nontitle or not. Looks like Hardy and Kidman are gonna start. Hammerlock by Kidman - Hardy reaches back, jumps, and rolls into a snapmare out. Dropping down, leapfrog by Hardy, and dropping down again as Kidman's crossbody finds an empty pool. Hardy with a stomp. Kidman put in the corner, kick, kick, into the opposite corner is reversed, but Hardy goes up and over and Kidman hits the buckle - Hardy dropkicks him into the BOTTOM buckle as well. Stomp. Kidman tries a punch but it's blocked, Hardy's punch is ducked, Kidman manages a powerbomb. Double leg - tag to van Dam. Dropped down for the WOW Catapult into the ropes, and Hardy bounces backwards across Kidman's knees...where he's placed in perfect position to take van Dam's legdrop from the top rope! Nice. Right hand, kick, kick, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, superfluous backflip, shoulder. Into the opposite corner, pose #2, forward roll into a monkey flip attempt - but Hardy turns it around and sits him on top - Hardy right, right, Frankensteiner! 1, 2, kickout. Arm wringer...tag to X-Pac - crowd STILL boos him, God bless 'em. X-Pac with a free shot to the arm. Back to the arm wringer- yankin' and crankin' - van Dam back to his feet - right, right, breaks the hold, into the ropes, X-Pac ducks the swing and lands a spinning heel kick for 2. X-Pac to the headlock...van Dam to his feet - elbow, elbow, elbow out - right hand, into the ropes, but 'Pac knocks him down - off the ropes, dueling hiptosses and neither works, 'Pac gutshot, leg over the neck, flippy flippy, but van Dam manages to drop down and hit the monkey flip. Kick, elbow, into the ropes, reversed, van Dam ducks the swing, and hits a Viscera kick off the ropes to take X-Pac down! Kick to the head, arm wringer...three kicks to the chest, and a back kick to the jaw. Off the ropes, forward roll senton (!) - 1, 2, 'Pac lifts the shoulder. PlayStation Double Feature of the martial arts kick. X-Pac put in the corner, tag to Kidman - kick, right, right, right, right, snapmare, kick to the head, into the ropes, going for the Frankensteiner but X-PAC POWERBOMBS KIDMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Both men are down - HOT TAG TO HARDY! Ducks a swing and keeps running until van Dam gets the free shot - off the ropes - Kidman tries a dropkick but Hardy held on - Hardy with the Hardyindahouse double legdrop - van Dam coming in, Hardy with a gutshot, and his brother's sitout jawbreaker. But Kidman strikes from behind with a forearm - this brings in X-Pac, who whips Kidman in the corner...then drops down for Poetry in Motion! Jeff on all fours? X-Pac off the boost with a broncobuster! van Dam gutshots a distracted Hardy - into the corner, elbow, elbow, elbow, whip into the corner is reversed, but van Dam dumps Hardy onto the apron - Hardy manages a stun gun - meanwhile, X-Pac hits the X Factor on Kidman - he covers, but referee "Blind" Charles Robinson actually remembers who the legal men are and won't make a count. Hardy climbs to the top for the swantonbomb....but MISSES! van Dam with the Five Star Frog Splash - Robinson DOES count for THIS illegal man (commentators don't notice) - 1, 2, X-Pac makes the save! Gutshot - going for the X Factor on van Dam, but he does the splits instead, blocking it! Uppercut for X-Pac - Kidman with his over-the-back Pedigree, into the cover - 1, 2, 3. (5:26) Commentators again miss a chance to point out Robinson's inconsistency on making calls for W/ECW he didn't make for WWF. Oh well. However, they DID note that the WCW Cruiserweight champion just pinned the WWF light heavyweight champ. Replay of the frog splash, and the Kidmanator.

Well, it took Vince - what, ten minutes? But he's back - and he's...strumming a gee-tar. "Yeah, that's right. This is gonna be good. This is cause for celebration, all right? Now listen - don't get too excited about this. This is a little reciprocity here, and - listen, this - I'm gonna sing you a song. I don't sing in public very often ["Stand Back?"] ...this is a song about, well it's an old TV show, all right? And the old TV show - THEME from an old TV show called 'Welcome Back Kotter' in deference to... welcome back Theold Stone Cold. Okay. Ready? I'm not too sure this thing's in tune... Well we need him on the spot / 'cause we got him and he's back / Welcome back - no, wait... We tease him a lot / 'cause we got him on the spot / Welcome back / Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back / Welcome back Stone Cold / Theold Stone Cold, welcome back... Well maybe it's not quite as good as your singing, but...it's not bad, is it?" "It wasn't bad, you're GUITAR'S outta tune! Who tuned that thing for you?" "I don't know." "Do you wanna sing again?" "Yeah, maybe we can do a duet!" Austin takes the guitar and starts to tune it. "I mean, I don't often..." "Well, you're not in my league, but you're doin' all right. Debra, what'd you think about Vince's singing?" "Debra, you gotta admit, this is..." Austin hauls off and KABONGS Vince. Ross explodes with delight.

WWF: The Music (Volume 5) ad - the ONLY place you'll see Grand Master Sexay OR Chyna - get it at Best Buy

inVasion spot

Here's a look at WWF New York

Last Week on Tough Enough - almost three minutes to catch you up on the last thirty

Backstage, ShaneStephanie and Heyman address their Gang of Five...in the usual order: "...how important it is that we make a statement. Booker T, Rhyno, right now you guys need to make a statement!" "That's right! If there was ever a time to show that Stone Cold Steve Austin is ineffective, it's right now! Kurt Angle is ineffective - the WWF is ineffective! That's right, and we're gonna show them that we don't play fair, we play dirty!" "We all know at inVasion, the WWF gets taken to the Extreme, but if you think tonight is the night to stop Stone Cold Steve Austin's momentum, gimme a hell yeah." "OH HELL YEAH!"

Vince lies on his couch while a trainer applies ice to his forehead. "No, I - I, you know I'm a little light headed, but it's not that bad, I mean..." Kurt's in. "Vince, Vince! I heard what happened - are you all right?" "I'm gonna be fine...uh...matter of fact, to a certain extent I've never felt better in my life got a little ice here, I mean - you and Austin - go get 'em, Kurt - go get 'em - I'll be all right - got a little ice here - I'm good! I really I'm. I'm good, Kurt - damn I'm good - heh - I'm good!"

NEXT: You know

Two months we'll have to watch these Enterprise ads....I think I'm tired of 'em already

You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN! Quick analysis of this bumper: ECW, ECW, inactive, WWF, WWF, inactive, WWF

Tough Enough ad - again - that guy must have ralfed four or five times by now

Geez, they play the entire show opening set of clips AGAIN. Who's editing this show?

NAPPY T (with Shane O. Mac) and RHYNO (with Stephanie Can't Act & It's All About Paul - and PlayStation presents inVasion!) v. KURT ANGLE and THEOLD STONE COLD - Angle can't take his eyes off T - which is too bad, because he's wide open for a GORE! GORE! GORE! before the bell - and before Austin comes out! Doubleteam stompdown, despite the protests of referee "Heard Ya Missed Me, Well I'm Back" Tim White. Finally, "Step Up" hits and Austin is out - right hand for Rhyno, right for Booker T, right for Rhyno, right for T, right for Rhyno, right for T, gutshot for Rhyno, T tossed over the top to the floor, stomp for Rhyno, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp, KICK WHAM STUNNER for T, kick to Rhyno's head to stop the gore, KICK WHAM STUNNER, stomp, stomp, stomp.... the OvalTron fires up to show Page standing over the trunk of a car. "Hey Austin! THEOLD Stone Cold Steve Austin! Guess what I have in here? Oho, it's blonde...but it's not Sara! It's...it's...shut up! Shut up! Get back in there! It's your wife Debra! Yeah! You want her? (slam) Come get her!" Austin takes off, leaving three men motionless in the ring. And three people on the outside talking all at once - Paul exhorting Rhyno to get up, Stephanie encouraging T, Shane jawjacking with Angle.

Backstage, Taker and Kane sail into the picture - followed closely by Raven, Stasiak and Helms...the camera cuts out (or "cuts out" to hide an edit) and the rest of the W/ECW - followed by the WWF forces...join the fight. Austin finally makes it back, fights through the crowd...but Page is behind the wheel...tonight. Austin pulls a chauffer out of a nearby limousine and peels out after him.

Back to the ring where Angle is up...and he's got Booker T in the anglelock! Is he going to tap? Probably not before THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ make the save - but Angle is possessed! Dropping T, he forearms D-Von, forearm for Bubba Ray, forearm for D-Von, forerarm for Bubba Ray - but Rhyno is up and hits the GORE! GORE! GORE!

The battle continues backstage - Taker and Jericho look to be piling up some bodies...

While Heyman tells Angle he was NEVER His Olympic Hero, a table is set up in the ring. Booker unloads some kicks on Angle as they all dare him to get up - Angle *does* get to his feet...only to endure 3D (Dudley Death Drop) through a table. "This is Extreme" plays as all seven of them stand over Angle's carcass. We take a replay of the backstage happenings....and the 3D. Back to the ring, where Paul, D-Von, Booker, Steph, Shane, Bubba Ray, and Rhyno stand with arms raised. Tough Enough plays NOW on MTV!