UPN! Thursday!

One World Leader Attitude - TV-PG-DLV - WWF!

Let Us Take You Back to inVasion...and RAW

Opening Credits - close captioned

Welcome my friends to the show that never....oh sorry - PYRO OFF AND AWAY and so are we - coming to you from the Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh, PA 26.7.1 (taped 24.7) and YOU GOTTA BELIEVE it's transmitido en espanol SAP when UPN and the Score air WWF SMACKDOWN!

TONIGHT: DDP takes on Kane!

HARDY BOYZ (with Lita) v. BILLY KIDMAN & SHANE GREGORY HURRICANE HELMS - Commentators build up this opening encounter as a match between "four fan favourites," which I didn't know they were going to grant the existence of in WCW...of course, given their praise of ECW's Rob van Dam, this isn't TOO much of a stretch. Ring announcer TONY CHIMEL announces the second team as "representing the Alliance," so I guess WCW and ECW are now verboten - in anticipation of problems using ECW, you just drop both of them? Are you going to rename the WCW titles while you're at it? And what's with the WCW logos in the chyron if you're not gonna refer to WCW, I wonder? Ohhhh so many questions maybe we should just sit back and try to enjoy this match, eh? At least THAT shouldn't be too difficult. Kidman and Helms rush the ring and it's on - Pier Four doesn't get far as each Hardy turns it around against his opponent - Matt with a discus right on Kidman - Jeff hangs onto the ropes to avoid a dropkick, then hits the Hardyinthahouse double legdrop to the tender areas. Dropkick. Helms rolls out - Matt punching away on Kidman in the corner - now both men put him into the rope - double back elbow, fistdrop/senton combo - Jeff covers for 2 as Matt takes to his corner. Kick, kick, into the ropes is reversed by Kidman - Helms with a free shot from the apron, turning Jeff around to give HIM a free shot...but Kidman is there when he turns back, with a big spinebuster. Kidman grabs a leg and makes the tag - Helms stomps, stomp, stomp, to his knees with the right, right, right, right, right, right...backbreaker across the knee - 1, 2, no. Commentators are all AUSTIN AUSTIN AUSTIN and I hate them. Well, "hate" is a pretty strong word. Choke on the second rope - as referee "Blind" Mike Chioda pulls Helms away, Kidman runs the apron and drops the leg on the back of Hardy's neck. Lita is over but thinks better of trying something with Kidman - Matt quickly over to make sure Kidman doesn't take her up on it. Back to the ring - there's a tag. Helms with a vertical suplex, Kidman with a springboard guillotine legdrop...for 2. Lita is straight outta the 80's, all she needs is the word ESPRIT across her chest to complete that dayglo ensemble. Jeff's tired of taking punishment - elbow to the gut, elbow, right, right, right, but Kidman pulls him into the turnbuckle. Kidman pulls on the top ropes and does a backflip to seat himself up top - going for the plancha, but Jeff meets him with a dropkick in the gut! Both men are down - tag to Helms - HOT TAG to Matt! Right for Helms, Kidman back in to eat a right, right for you, scoop...and a slam for you. Swinging neckbreaker for Helms, but Kidman breaks it up at 2. Double into the ropes set up for the double clothesline but Hardy hits a double clothesline of his own instead! Kidman put into the corner, Matt dropping down for Poetry in Motion. Helms tries a whip, but THAT is reversed - Matt on all fours again and here comes Jeff...but he ducks out of the way and Jeff crashes into the corner - Helms with an Oklahoma Roll (!) but Matt kicks out at 2. Matt with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, right, meanwhile Kidman takes Jeff over the top and goes out with him. Matt apparently stopped punching long enough to run into the Gregory Smack - 1, 2, Matt JUST gets the shoulder up. Back outside in time to catch Lita with one of her "I want to die" 'ranas off the steps onto Kidman. She's CHEATING TO WIN! Back inside the ring - Helms has Matt ready for AHHHHHHHHH - but he spent too long saying AHHHHHH because Matt blocks the neckbreaker and hits his OWN Twist of Fate instead! Jeff on top - swantonbomb! Matt hooks the leg - 1, 2, 3! (3:40) Replay of Lita's totally illegal 'rana ("she is extraordinary" - Ross) and the totally illegal swantonbomb. Man, the Hardyz SUCK.

Backstage we go, where Big Show catches up to Billy Gunn - wait a minute, let me check. Yeah, this is still Segment One. "Billy! Listen, man, I've been thinking - and I have got THE most *fantastic* idea." "Well....that'll be a first." "No, seriously. I know what we're gonna call ourselves. Show...Gunns. Get it? We're the two shoguns, the Big Show, Billy Gunn..." "And you thought that up all by yourself." "Absolutely, the marketing, the merchandise, it's genius!" "That is the STUPIDEST name I have ever heard of!" "Okay, work with me - it may be stupid, but think of it this way: these people won't be calling you ROCKabilly, Mr. (beep), or THE ONE...with no talent!" "All right - actually, maybe that's not such a bad idea. You know, then maybe people'll quit calling you the Giant, the Big Slow, or a big fat pile o' horse--" "Hold it...hold it. Show-Gunns will work out just fine, okay?" "Speaking of working out, when was the last time you worked out?" "What're you talkin' about, brother? I just CAME from the gym." "Driving through the parking lot doesn't count...!"

"Lita: My Chest Just Feels Right" video ad

Oh BOY! Here come STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT, SHANE CAN'T DANCE & IT'S ALL ABOUT PAUL to kill Segment Two. Paul kisses Stephanie's hand and high-fives Shane. Are you excited? "I look out at all of you in this arena...and I see a bunch of NONBELIEVERS! None of you believed in the WCW/ECW Alliance - none of you believed that the WCW/ECW Alliance would CRUSH the WWF at inVasion. Well every single one of you was ALL WRONG...and Shane, Paul and I? Well we were ALL RIGHT." OH GOD HER HAND IS STUCK TO HER HIP AGAIN "Not only did the Alliance strike a FATAL BLOW to the WWF, but we have taken almost every single one of your WWF Championships. Ladies and gentlemen--" "Slut!" "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, allow me to introduce you to the gold card carrying members of the Alliance...starting off with the WCW tag team champions, SEAN O'HAIRE & CHUCK PALUMBO ! The WCW cruiserweight champion, BILLY KIDMAN ! The WWF hardcore champion, ROB VAN DAM ! And the WWF intercontinental champion, LANCE STORM ! Not only is he the WCW US Champion, he's the WCW Champion! Give it up for BOOKER T !" Oh no, she's trying to dance again. "Now Booker T has been so gracious as to donate his WCW US title to a well-deserving member of the Alliance - ladies and gentlemen, the new WCW US Champion...who better than CHRIS KANYON ?" Kanyon breaks down as T hands him the title. "And now, the moment you've all been waiting for..." What, you stop talking? "the crown jewel of the Alliance, and of all sports entertainment - the one - THE ONLY - THE WWF CHAMPION STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN !" Interesting, they gave him WCW chyron...well, *I* think it's interesting. Austin hits all four corners, taking pause only to make sure everyone else in the ring is applauding him. "Take a look at the Alliance - the HOME of the GOOOOOOOOLD!" Well, that's the cue for KURT ANGLE, apparently, and he's out to what I would classify as either a monster pop, or a monster use of the heat machine. That "Angle" chant sounds real enough, though. Angle raises his hand to quiet the crowd - but it doesn't work. So he raises BOTH hands - and even lets a smile sneak out. "Now hold on a second...'home of the gold.' Well you people can stand there with all the gold you want, but NONE of you will EVER be an Olympic Gold Medalist! You wanna talk about home of the gold? Well THIS is MY gold! And THIS is Pittsburgh, P-A!" "HE SAID PITTSBURGH!" "MY HOME TOWN! Wooooow!" "Angle!" "And nothin' would please me more than to face Stone Cold Steve Austin RIGHT HERE TONIGHT! .... And bring the WWF title back home where it belongs, oh it's true, it's DAMN true!" The group in the ring spurs Austin on. "Austin sux!" Austin stops and starts twice. "Yeah - all right..." Crowd boos fiercely. "You wanna face Stone Cold Steve Austin tonight in your hometown? All right, yeah, it's true, it's true, and I'll tell you why it's true, Kurt, because it says to me what I thought all along...you're very selfish! You're - you're very selfish to want this gold - you've got your gold around your stupid little neck; you're very selfish to want Stone Cold Steve Austin's gold. But you see, the problem is...Stone Cold Steve Austin is very selfish, too." "Ass hole!" "So right here, in front of this mealy-mouthed bunch of steel workers....is there somebody gon' do something about it? ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I will be HAPPY to whip your (beep) - yeah, oh yeah, oh you've got me talked into it, I will be happy to whip your (beep) - oh yeah - butnottonight. No, now, now don't get me wrong, because Stone Cold Steve Austin - I - I am an American. I am an American...you CLAIM to be all about America, the red white and blue, but I am about opportunity. I, yeah, yep...well yeah. So, since I am about opportunity, and I am a champion's champion, and I am here tonight - no Kurt, you won't be facing Stone Cold Steve Austin, not tonight because you don't deserve me, oh no you don't. But I can understand, I can understand if you're selfish and you want championship gold. So that's why...(looks round)...that's, that's why, that's why tonight you'll be fightin' Booker T! That's right, Booker T." T ain't exactly happy about being volunteered. "Hey! I have no problem with that!" "I know, that's why I'm doing this - that's why I'm givin' you the opportunity, I'm givin' Booker T the opportunity, because I've been hearing everybody talk about you braggin' about how last Monday night, you sent old Booker T CRAAAASHIN' through a table! You said, you said...that you could beat THIS SUCKA...any time, anywhere, that's what you said." T's getting riled up. "Well....I *can* beat that SUCKA any time, anywhere!" "He didn't say that. Tell me he didn't say that." "It's true, he just called you a sucka." "Okay, Kurt...you want a title shot? You got it! Tonight. But let me tell you this. Your (beep) belongs to me." Austin slaps him a few times. "First of all, Booker - my (beep) belongs to no one! You see it's like this, after I kick the crap outta you Booker T tonight for the WCW title...Stone Cold, you're next. YOUR (beep) is mine! And I will make you a part of another Alliance - the Alliance of ex-champions soundly defeated by Your Olympic Hero - OH IT IS true! Wooooow!" Hmm, strange that the big gold belt doesn't have a BOOKER T. nameplate on it anymore...got a blank one there instead. I'm sure that means nothing. Yeah.

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You can't beat the WWF LIVE! Tix on sale Saturday for Denver, Wichita, Des Moines, Ft. Wayne, Grand Rapids, Detroit and Worcester!

To the commissioner's office we go. "Tajiri, it makes me proud that we have someone like the Olympic Hero Kurt Angle, here in our midst in the WWF--" "Mist?" "No, midst, midst..." Kanyon's in. "Get your bloody Alliance-affiliated carcass out of my office right now!" "Chill out, guys, chill out - I'm only here, Commissioner, 'cause I want a rematch here tonight with Chris Jericho, and you're the only guy that can make it!" "Yes, I could make that match - but am I to assume that your United States championship is on the line?" "Whoa, nonono - see, I just WON this championship here tonight, so I'm not gonna put it on the line...and besides, Who Better Than Kanyon to be US Champ? Right, Tajiri?" "Well, perhaps you're correct...but before I grant you your match, you've got to perform a little test." "Who do you want me to beat, Angle, who? Taker?" "You've got to say 'She sells seashells by the seashore' ten times." "Sure! That's easy. 'She shells she sells by the she sh--' 'She sells she shells by the--' Excuse me. 'She sells she--' WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?" "He's laughing because he speaks better bloody English than you do! Look, seeing as you don't want to defend your United States championship, what about a tag match? My friend Tajiri here and Jericho against you and anyone - partner of your choice." "Anybody I choose?" "Anybody." "Well then who better than Rob van Dam." "Very good." Off he goes. "'She sells seashells by seashore.'" "That's easy for you to say!"

THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. SHOW-GUNNS - D-Von and Gunn start. Lockup, jostling for position - to the ropes, Gunn in control - referee "Blind" Tim White wants the break - D-Von unloads a right after they do so. Right by Gunn, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Gunn leaps over a ducking D-Von...but runs into a Bubba clothesline - ahh, I missed the ol' blind tag there. Both Dudleyz go for the Show, shoving him off the apron - and causing White to turn all his attention to keeping Show from coming in - behind his back, it's a scoop...and a slam....and "What Are You Doing?" Show coming in again - the Dudleyz scatter. White again devotes his time to keeping Show from coming in illegally as the Dudleyz pull Gunn outside - two rights from D-Von - and Bubba rams his head into the commentary table. Bubba with a slap - both men with a right. Gunn put back in - D-Von right, right, choke, tag. Right to the gut by Bubba - open-handed slap, right, right, head to the buckle, tag. Right by D-Von, right, cover, 2. Cole promises "a treat" later tonight - Mr. McMahon's plea to the Rock. This is some new definition of "treat" of which I was not previously aware. Tag to Bubba Ray - Cole channels Ross by saying "Bubba Ray Dudley tags in brother D-Von" - I mean, it's great for our world if you can't tell the BLACK guy from the WHITE guy, I guess, but...whip into the ropes, Gunn ducks the double clothesline - double DDT! All three men are down and Show wants that tag. Is the crowd actually clapping for these guys? HOT TAG! Show with a right for Bubba Ray, right for D-Von, clothesline for Bubba Ray, sidewalk slam for D-Von, avalanche for Bubba Ray, choke for D-Von...but Bubba Ray forearms him in the back. Doubleteam is on - into the ropes, Show with a double clothesline! Show tags out (OH NO A BIG MISTAKE) - then whips Gunn into D-Von at the speed of light. Whip into the opposite corner to splash Bubba Ray - each man sends a Dudley into the centre. Gunn clotheslines D-Von out of the ring, then hits the Fame-Asser on Bubba Ray - that move USED to get people pinned, but Bubba kicks out at 2. D-Von in - Gunn ducks the swing and sets up for the One and Only cobra clutch...but Bubba Ray sneaks in an uppernut. Show in - Bubba Ray ducks the clothesline, and Gunn ends up eating it - ohhhhhhhhhh no. Dobule clothesline puts Show outside - and Bubba Ray, but he's back in soon enough to assist his brother in hitting 3D (Dudley Death Drop) on Gunn. Oh, wait, Bubba Ray was the legal man, and he's the one making the cover - 1, 2, 3. (3:28) I don't know why Show didn't start the match. Ooh, they're BICKERING!

NEXT: You're in for a treat! Rock's suspension will be lifted - and I will get another five minutes of clips I won't have to recap! Yahoo!

"Please don't try this at home" PSA

"Manhunt" ad - hmm, still no mention of WWF involvement. Either (a) they want to see if it'll sink or swim without a mention of WWFE or (b) they're deathly afraid of another XFL-style flop and are purposefully keeping their distance until they know if it's a hit or not

Hey look! It's the Pittsburgh skyline just outside the Mellon Arena!

Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & LARRY KING. Vince isn't here tonight, we are told - he's in Miami (the Rock's hometown)

MONDAY: The Rock returns - LIVE! - on RAW IS WAR!

LAST MONDAY: Here's a Very Special Look at a Trip Down Memory Lane with the People's Champion - go read the RAW report - and here's a special compendium of Rock clips - oh boy, I haven't missed the Rock AT ALL! Which makes me the only one, I know...don't get me wrong. By the way, Vince's imitating the Rock...no.

To the Alliance locker room, where Booker T (amongst others) is watching the monitor. "Listen to this, man. Listen to this crap, man! Who cares about the Rock? The Rock this, the Rock that, to HELL with the Rock! The Rock ain't nothin' but anotha SUCKA, man! Who cares if the Rock go back to the WWF? To HELL with the WWF! To hell with the Rock!" Austin: "You know, that's just the attitude we DON'T need, Booker. You don't need to worry about the Rock...tonight you need to worry about Kurt Angle." "Kurt Angle!" "You need to watch that Olympic Slam...that's what you need to watch! Besides...who said the Rock's coming back to the WWF anyway? You know....he might find a home...here with the Alliance." Austin thoughtfully strokes his beard while T looks shocked.

Ross throws a fit as we look at the graphic again. THE ROCK RETURNS! RATINGS SKYROCKET! (I guess)

NEXT: DDP vs. Kane!

"WWF: The Music (Volume 5)" ad

And now the Lugz Boot of the Week! From RAW, Taker gets some more of Page - then chairs his own wife by mistake.

DDP (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. KANE (with Transmitido En Espanol SAP) - Referee is Nick Patrick, so I think I'll just lay out until the screwjob. Whaddaya say? Okay, here we go: Kane ducks, right, right, right, right, right, right. Page, to his credit, does an admirable job of bouncing off the mat and/or ropes with every punch. Kane stands up Page in the corner - head to the buckle, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, threating glance askance to Patrick...and giving Page enough time to pull himself up ...but Kane breaks it up - right hand, Page bounces off the ropes into a clothesline. Into the ropes...big boot. Kane outside - Kane up - Kane down with the flying clothesline. I don't have to tell you the commentators have been ROCK ROCK ROCK for this entire match - not too hard to do when only one guy is landing anything. Kane with the choke...Page finally gets going with some back elbows to get out of the hold - off the ropes...but into a one-armed ...no, I guess it's Page managing a DDT out of that. Gutshot by page - swinging neckbreaker. Ducks a swing, but Kane catches the boot - spins him round but Page manages a discus lariat - 1, 2, nope. Stomp by Page - stomp, stomp, chinlock - chinlock? Yikes. Page with a buttdrop when it's clear that's not gonna work. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Ross actually used the word "dangerous" immediately followed by the word "alliance." Sheeeeeit. Page going up top - there's a clothesline - 1, 2, Kane kicks out. Right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed by Kane - got Page on his back but he slips out - trying the Diamond Cutter but Kane pushes HIM away...scoops him up off the ropes...and powerslams him down. Kane with a "thunderous" right. Into the opposite corner - Page caught lying on the top rope, so Kane kicks the field goal - three times. Running clothesline in the corner - Page comes out...into a sidewalk slam. Another running clothesline takes Page over the top and out - Kane follows. Another "thunderous" right hand. Forearm in the back. Whip into the STEEL steps - no, Page reverses and lands a knee in the gut - then puts Kane into the steps! If Patrick is an "Alliance referee," what's with the "WCW shirt?" Right by Page, right, right, right. "Who's famous now? Huh?" Kane rolled back in - Page steals Chimel's chair - Kane ducks the swing - gutshot by Kane, clothesline to the back. KANE has the chair - chair in the gut! Well, geez, you can't go doing that in front of a referee - Patrick calls for the bell. (DQ 4:25) Of course, Patrick made the only call he could this time, but don't let that stop your sense of Rossian righteous indignation and outrage...especially if you're Ross! Kane turns to Patrick...probably shouldn't have put the chair down, though. Sure enough, Page is up from behind - WHACK. Page makes the international sign of the Diamond Cutter - and Kane responds with the Zombie Situp. Page rolls under the bottom rope and runs off, leaving Patrick to take the chokeslam. Kane sets the turnbuckles alight and cues his music.

Backstage, Saturn caresses his mop. Zoom out....Lance Storm stands next to him, IC belt on shoulder. "This is pathetic - my first WWF intercontinental title defense, and this is who I face? A man wielding a mop? Let me make this perfectly clear, Perry - what you do with your mop on your time is your business. But you will not - I repeat, NOT - bring that to ringside and make a mockery of my match. Title defenses are serious business, and shall be treated as such. Am I clear? Do we understand each other?" "Underoos are funderwear. You're welcome!" "Was that a yes?"

The WWF Fanatic Series presentation for July is "WWF Hardcore!" Don't let the fact that an ECW guy is hosting it sway you from ordering "WWF Hardcore!"

And now, the WWF Slam of the Week - presented by Subway! From RAW, Angle puts the bum rush on Austin

Edge & Christian are WALKING! "You know, I think Kurt is gonna totally annihilate that chumpstain Booker 'Don't Call Me Mr.' T!" "Maybe we should go wish him some luck...let's check in here. Kurt!" But they find Tazz instead. "Speaking of Mr. T." "We are SO outta here." "Whoa whoa whoa - wait. Why you gotta leave? It's the funny boys - the pretty boys - the funny, pretty boys! Actually, say somethin' funny - make me laugh." "Oh, soorry, is this an Alliance dressing room where you come to wallow in your own self-pity? I mean, what was that old motto you used to have? 'I'm thug life born, thug life bred, and when the time is right I'll be thug life dead?'" "Yeah, yeah, 'I'm gonna go visit Santa in my thug life sled!'" "Hahaha - 'and when I go on vacation, I'll go to thug life Club Med!" "No no no, 'I'm all tired and sleepy...I'll go lay down in my thug life bed.'" "Yeah...take it easy, TAZZ - we are outta here." Tazz laughs...then goes expressionless.

CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO and TAJIRI v. CHRIS KANYON and THE SPECTACULAR, SENSATIONAL ROB VAN DAM - Kanyon and Jericho start - isn't that what Kanyon wanted? Lockup, Kanyon to the side headlock, to the ropes, off the ropes, Jericho powers out but Kanyon hits the shoulderblock. Up and over we go, Jericho with a leapfrog, turns back and chops Kanyon. To the corner, tag, kick, kick, doubleteam kicks - Kanyon piuts Tajiri into the ropes but he slides under, trips up Kanyon, does a dance on his back, then slaps the back of his head. This'll piss'm off, yo. Tajiri waits for him to get up - ducks a swing, waistlock...full nelson, well maybe half, into a snapmare (nice), and dropkicks the back of the head. Kanyon manages to fall into his corner, tag van Dam and roll outside. Here comes van Dam - Tajiri ducks the right and lands a back kick. Into the ropes, reversed, van Dam takes Tajiri up but Tajiri counters with a Frankensteiner down! Okay, van Dam's tired of selling - front kick in the ribs, forearm, into the ropes (and a knee from Kanyon) - running at Tajiri, but he ducks, and van Dam ends up taking out Kanyon with the forearm instead. Tajiri with a Viscera! Off the ropes...no, not where Kanyon can trip him! van Dam with a baseball slide dropkick. Tag to Kanyon - into the ropes, gutshot by van Dam, Kanyon puts him up in the Razor's Edge position...then brings him back overhead and forward into a sitout X Factor - 1, 2, Jericho makes the save with a kick in the head. Kanyon puts Tajiri on his back...climbing up to the second rope. "WHO BETTER THAN KANYON?" Oops, took too long - Jericho runs over and pops him one - he lets go of Tajiri's arm, allowing him to counter into a super sunset flip! Both men are down and referee "Blind" Teddy Long puts on the count. At 4, Tajiri makes the HOT TAG! Kanyon tags as well - Jericho with a duck...and the flying jalapeno off the ropes. Off the ropes with a shoulderblock. Off the ropes with a bulldog. Jericho like them ropes! Springboard dropkick for Kanyon - THAT'LL teach him to mind his own business out on the apron! van Dam tries a swing - Jericho ducks, chops (woooo), chops (woooo), into the opposite corner - van Dam up and over, superfluous backflip...but running right into the double leg...and Walls of Jericho! Kanyon breaks it up by missing a clothesline - Jericho has to let go in order to duck, apparently - right by Jericho, tossing Kanyon out, tagging Tajiri in, and out after Kanyon. Tajiri with a missile dropkick for van Dam, standing crescent kick (I'm making these names up mostly), and into the Tarantula! But Kanyon, having blocked and reversed a head to the commentary table, has the United States heavyweight title - WHACK to Tajiri - van Dam up top - Fivestar Frog Splash - 1, 2, 3. Oh, look, van Dam gets the win. AGAIN. (3:51) Jericho kicks van Damn out of the ring, but too little too late. Celebration outside - concern inside. Here's your replay.

Backstage we go, where Saturn is a man alone....and he ain't happy 'bout it. "Moppie! MOPPIE! Moppie!" Garbage cans are overturned, laundry carts rummaged through....but the mop suddenly appears in the frame...and in Terri's...err...hands. "Lookin' for this Perry, huh? The stupid mop? The same stupid mop you've carried around for weeks? You know what, you have given this STUPID mop more attention than you've given to me! The mop's stupid and you're stupid! You know what - make a decision - the mop...or me, Perry. Which one." Saturn takes the mop - "You're welcome" - and walks away. Terri is left to ponder what just happened. "YOU...are an idiot."

Tough Enough spot - it's next, you know

And now, the Hardcore Smack of the Night, presented by Corn Nuts! CORN GONE WRONG - and so is the fate of the intercontinental title, leaving Albert for Lance Storm, thanks to some doin's a-happenin'

WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: LANCE STORM v. PERRY SATURN (with Moppie) - Sign in crowd: "YOUR WELCOME" I'm sure the back probably said "NO I KANT SPEL, Y?" Saturn does THE AIRPLANE!! in the ring! Moppie takes her seat behind a top turnbuckle. Storm catches Saturn off guard with a dropkick. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, rubbing in his face, stomp. Into the ropes, clothesline. Cover - 2. Storm is unhappy about the mop, I'm guessing. Saturn manages a gutshot - another - and there's a third - Storm with a jawbreaker. "C'mon you piece o' crap, huh?" Chop. "C'mon you're nothin'!" Gosh, Storm is an ANGRY young man, though. Saturn fires back - right, right, right, in the corner, right, right, whip out, back to the original corner - and there's a flapjack out. Clothesline. Belly-to-belly overhead. Gutshot, up on his shoulder - and gut-first into the top turnbuckle. Saturn run around randomly...now going up top - Storm head him off with a gutshot, elbow, climbing up...and hits a superplex! Both men are down and referee "Blind" Jack Doan is up to 4. Both men up - Saturn blocks the punch, Storm ducks HIS swing and lands a superkick...for 2. Whip into the corner is reversed, Storm up and over - Storm on the shoulders - Saturn with the powerbomb. Saturn has a double leg - giving his mop a "thumbs up," oh boy - now turning a 180 in order to hit the WOW Catapult *into the mop*. There's the moss-covered, three-handled family gredunza! That's his move, Tony! 1, 2, JOHNNY ACE! Storm put into the ropes, reversal - Storm rolls into the half crab...Saturn cries out to Moppie...and manages to crawl to her, reaching the ropes in the process! Well, that's TWO finishers down the drain this match...Storm with a forearm in the back. HE'S GOT THE MOP! "I told you to leave this thing in the back!" Storm whacking the top rope a few times with it - then slamming it to the canvas. Saturn crawls over and shields the mop with his body. Storm with the stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Oh no, he's got it again! He's going to break it over his knee! Saturn lunges at him in time, though, connecting with a shoulder in the gut - Storm with three forearms in the back - shoving him shoulder-first into the ringpost...taking the mop again....and RUBBING HIS ASS WITH IT. "There's your mop, Perry!" Perry catches it on the bounce and WHACKS Storm with it. (DQ 3:21 Contact) WHACK - clothesline with the mop over the top rope and outside. Storm takes another swing but Storm hits the floor - so Saturn hits a tope suicida through the ropes! Saturn continues to use Moppie as a weapon up the ramp...

Shane: "If Rock is even contemplating coming back to the WWF in the slightest, well uh..." Suddenly, Shane and Stephanie are shocked - SHOCKED by the sudden presence of a videotape! "I think we need to remind the Rock exactly what type of man your father is." "Our father." "Your father." "Your father!" "I love my brother." "And I hate your father."

Edge & Christian shill Stacker 2

Tough Enough ad #2

Here come de money - and here come SHANE O. MAC to reprazent to his peeps, yo. Shane be down wit da homiez, so tip ya 40 - word. "This message goes out to the hottest free agent in sports entertainment history. This message goes out to the Rock." Wow, I thought he'd mention Goldberg FOR SURE! "Now Rock, I know you're at home and I know you're watching this, and I know that my dad is down at Miami, Florida, and he - he'll be knocking on your door, begging ya, Rock, saying 'please go back to the World Wrestling Federation, please go back.' Now we've also seen some wonderful memories, Rock, and everyone is pumped up for the return of the Rock this Monday night! But, Rock, it is my responsibility to show you yet some other memories that you have had here in the WWF.

Here's a Special Video Montage of Vince screwing the Rock, saying a lot of bad things, and No Chance in Hell, and so on. Okay, it's not a bad set of clips, actually, I'm just REALLY LAZY

"Now Rock, the choice is yours. And we will all find out the answer this Monday night. But Rock, you can either accept Vince's invitation to go back to the World Wrestling Federation - and we all know how THAT will end up - or, Rock, you can take Vince's invitation....shine it up real nice...turn that sum(beep) sideways, and stick it straight up Vince's candyass! Rock, the choice is yours - see ya this Monday night in Philadelphia." Woof woof. KEEP IT REAL, SHIZZO, YOU KNOW THE DIZZO, BOB'n'WEAVE 'CAUSE YOU SOOOOOOOO PRETTY

Check out LIVE WWF action this weekend and next week in Syracuse, Wilkes-Barre, Philadelphia, and DC!

"Are you ready?" "I'm ready!" "Are you ready?" "I was born ready!" "Are you sure you're ready?" "I'm ready!" "This is his hometown, Booker - this is your chance to make a name for yourself, right here in Pittsburgh, ya beat the Olympic Gold Medalist, Kurt Angle!" "Who cares about his hometown? Who cares about his damn fans?" "Because you can embarrass him right here - lookit this, that's gold brother, that's gold!" "I AM the WCW Champion!" "Don't lose the gold." "I AM the WCW Champion!" "It doesn't - are you the champ?" "I AM the WCW Champion!" "Are you gonna embarrass him?" "I AM the WCW Champion!" "His momma's out there!" "Who CARES about his momma?" "You gonna hurt her feelings?" "I'm gon' hurt HER if she get in the ring." "Can you do it?" "I'm gon' do it." "Can you do it?" "I'm GON' do it!" "Can u DIG it?" "I can dig it." "Then go out there and you whip that man's ASS."

KING EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with trophy - and SmackDown! is brought to you by Corn Nuts, RC Cola, and Subway!) v. TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (with Heat hype - Torrie Wilson & Stacy Keibler host!) and RHYNO - Rhyno and Edge start - Edge ducks the first swing, right, right, knee by Rhyno, right, into the ropes, Edge ducks and clamps on a double underhook into a modified bulldog. Off the ropes, Viscera kick - free shot for Tazz - Rhyno put into the ropes, reversed, and Tazz trips up Edge, pulling him outside the ring - Edge manages "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" out on the floor, but Rhyno hits a running kick to keep Edge out there - Tazz puts his head into the STEEL steps, right, back in the ring for Rhyno - head to the buckle, tag, kick, kick, doubleteam kick, kick by Tazz, snapmares him by the hair - three forearms across the face - into the ropes, clothesline puts him down. Tag to Rhyno - holding him for a kick in the head. Rhyno with a right. Right to the body, right, right, right - into the opposite corner - shoulder into the gut. "Get up Edge, hah - get up!" Scoops him on his shoulder - but Edge shakes him off and hits the Edge-O-Matic! Both men are down - referee "Blind" Charles Robinson up at 6 - both man tag! Christian with a right! Right! Hiptoss for Rhyno! Ducks a clothesline from Rhyno and keeps running until giving Tazz a forearm smash! Caught Rhyno's kick - into the perpendicular backbreaker! But Tazz catches Christian with a T-bone Tazzplex. Edge climbing the ropes - double clothesline from the top! All four men in - Edge and Rhyno do si do into the ropes - Rhyno gets the better of the exchange with the spinebuster. Tazz reverses out of Christian's Slop Drop attempt - Tazzmission! Meanwhile, Rhyno is setting up to GORE! GORE! GORE! Edge - but he steps aside, and Rhyno runs into Christian and Tazz instead! Edge with HIS spear on Rhyno to keep him from interfering...as Christian appears to have fallen backwards across Tazz - NOBODY'S moving - 1, 2, 3! (3:08) HOLY COW, AN ALLIANCE OFFICIAL CALLS IT SQUARE - of course, the commentators didn't notice. Come to think of it, they also NEVER mentioned that Rhyno and E&C used to be good mates. Of course, Cole's probably blocking a LOT of stuff seeing Tazz in between the blue ropes... Check your replay 'fore you wreck your replay - oh wow, Christian has the trophy again!

Kurt Angle warms up - is he Tough Enough? Tough Enough like this...

Tough Enough recap - if you keep distilling a half hour into two minutes, what's the point of watching the half hour? Also, note how they have to manipulate the picture to avoid seeing those annoying MTV colour bars telling you what song you heard for ten seconds earlier in the show THREE TIMES - you'd think MTV could give them an uncluttered version to use but NOOOOOO that's just not their WAY

NEXT: Booker T vs. Kurt Angle! Oh come on, WHY does Booker have two belts in this graphic? IT'S *BEEN* ALMOST NINETY MINUTES, PEOPLE

WWF SmackDown! returns in....oops, Round Table ad takes over

Don't forget - SuperCuts and UPN 44 want YOU to go see SUMMERSLAM for FREE! Go enter at upn44.tv! NOW! GO! NOW! OK!

Another look at the Mellon Arena marquee - what, no film of WWF New York available?

Earlier Tonight, forty-two paragraphs ago (FORTY-TWO! FORTY-TWO! FORTY-TWO! OH MY GOD!)

WCW CHAMPIONSHIP: NAPPY T v. KURT ANGLE - T seems to prefer glowering at Angle to surrendering his championship belt to referee "Blind" Earl Hebner. "Angle" chant - T raises his arms and displays his belt to the crowd. I dare say T is starting to get into heeling it up once again. (Must you so dare?) Dare I dare, forsooth. Und so weit. (Oh, shut up.) Finally, he forks it over. Angle, too, keeps his gaze locked upon his opponent instead of the belt. HERE WE GO! Both men keep their distance as the opening bell sounds - who will make the first move? Finally, they clench - T powers Angle to the corner. Hebner wants the break, but it comes with a right hand from the champ - Angle ducks it, however, and unleashes an onslaught of right hands - four punches find the mark before T can move out of the corner. Angle still in control - T put into the ropes, but it's reversed - another swing and another miss as Angle ducks...right hand, right, into the ropes, big back body drop! Into the corner, but T reverses - Angle pops out of the corner almost immeidately with a clothesline! Angle daring him to get up...grabbing the legs - pancakes him down and keeps the left leg - Anglelock applied! but T sees it coming and quickly grabs the bottom rope. Angle lets go and stomps, but T is outside to try and get his wind back. Angle doesn't want that, so he's out after him - T must have eyes in the back of his head, as he strikes with a mule kick that catches Angle off guard. T drives Angle's head into the commentary table - no, it's blocked! Angle with an elbow to the body - and it's BOOKER's head meeting the table, with such force that he rolls over and right into Jim Ross' lap! JR scatters as Angle tries to add to his advantage - right hand, head to the table again, and T lies on the table once again. The crowd chants "Angle!" as Angle finally puts the champion back in the ring (since you can't win it on the floor). T with a desperation swing - Angle ducks, grabs the waistlock and throws T with a German suplex! "Wooo!" Angle going up top - will he hit the moonsault?! OF COURSE NOT! T rolls out of the way and Angle falls flat - this could be his chance to take over. Cover - 2. T brings him up - then levels him with a right hand. Angle takes an involuntary trip through the ropes - Hebner doesn't like it, but YOU tell Booker T what to do. T outside - winding up - BIG chop. ANOTHER chop. T runs Angle to the barricade - and over, into the crowd! Right hand - kick in the gut - right. Wow, these security guys look like Right to Censor members, don't they? T runs at Angle...but he drops down and dumps him over the barricade to the floor! Angle climbs back over, but T recovers with a double sledge. Angle RAMMED into the STEEL steps, chest first. T rolls in to break the (ha) count, then rolls back out. Angle's head meets the STEEL steps again. Angle rolled back in - T back in at five. The champion snapmares him over - off the ropes with the trademark kneedrop - 1, 2, Angle kicks out. T clamps on the headlock...Angle struggles to breathe, and the crowd comes to life. Angle raising his fist to the sky - the crowd's collective voice rises - to his feet! Elbow in the gut! Elbow breaks the hold! Right hand! Right! Right! Off the ropes....but CAUGHT in the spinebuster! T covers - 1, 2, NO!! The champion takes great issue with the cadence - eww, DROOLING even. Crowd puts together ANOTHER impressive "Angle" chant as Angle attempts to recover. Into the ropes, Angle ducks the clothesline...and springs off the ropes with a flying forearm smash! Angle quickly back up - off the ropes with a clothesline! T put into the corner - no, pulled back into a belly-to-belly! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, T kicks out!! Angle places T on the top buckle - right hand, right, right...Angle climbs up - TOP floor - is it? Yes! SUPERPLEX!! That took a lot out of BOTH men...oh, man, here comes the W/ECW - Hebner tries to hold off Kanyon and the Dudleyz, but fortunately the reinforcements are right behind, as the WWF LOCKER ROOM is out as well - there must be a dozen men outside the ring - certainly too much for Hebner to handle - much less see Angle hooking the leg in the ring behind him! Angle lets up and gives a frustrated look outside - Kanyon is in behind him with a chairshot! The rest of the WWF REFS are out in a mostly futile attempt to restore order, as STILL MORE FOLKS come out to join the fray - the action *is* spilling further away from the ring, however, as man after man heads over the barrier and out through the crowd. Hebner is back in the ring - and finding both men down. His count is up to seven...T slowly to his feet at eight - slowly rolling Angle over - covering - 1, 2, NO!!!! T has a MAJOR league sourpuss face on him - what must I do, you almost feel him asking...what must I do to put this man down? T lifts Angle up - knife-edge chop - but Angle fires back almost instantly with a right hand! T with a right, Angle with a right! T with a forearm, Angle with a right...and ANOTHER right...and ANOTHER RIGHT! Into the ropes, no, reversal - T with *the Harlem sidekick* right on the button - leg is hooked - 1, 2, SHOULDER UP! T is about ready to SHIT. Again he lifts Angle up - knife-edge chop. Every time, a measured knife-edge chop. A THIRD windup and chop. But Angle takes it all - and turns it all around! The CHAMP is in the corner and it's ANGLE - right hand! Right hand! Right hand! Right hand! Irish whip into the opposite - no, reversed - no, sent back to the original corner...Angle almost collides with Hebner, but manages to stop himself - T with a Harlem sidekick to the back of Angle's head, but Angle ducks! But HEBNER takes the brunt! Angle lands two right hands - ready to try an Irish whip, but T hangs on - knee in the chest to double him over - off the rope with the axe kick - no, Angle's head is back up and out of the way! OLYMPIC SLAM!! AND DOWN COME THE STRAPS!! Angle grabs the left ankle and turns it, twists it...but STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is out - kick in the gut to break the anklelock - KICK WHAM STUNNER and Angle is down for good. Austin SCREAMING at T to cover him, but T is still out as well. The trash flies towards Austin, but he has a singular resolve. T has just figured out what's transpired - his face curls into a smile...and he breakdances back up to let the crowd know EXACTLY what's about to happen - he's even doing an Angle-esque hop! The champion advances...but Angle has enough left to grab the ankle...and not let go! Booker is so close to the ropes....but the pain is so great he can't even see them! Only one thought goes through his mind - "this has to stop" - and he'll do ANYTHING to make it stop. BOOKER T TAPS OUT!! KURT ANGLE! KURT ANGLE! KURT ANGLE! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new heavyweight champion of the world! (10:30) Austin's face registers abject shock as a triumphant Angle, barely able to stand, leans in a corner and holds the forty pounds of gold high overhead. And in this moment on this night, there are no fans left seated in THIS arena. I hope...at least in spirit...you're standing too.

CRZ
[slash] wrestling