TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Earlier Today, Austin stood on a table...and said this: "All right, guys, guys! C'mon, listen up. I got some important things to say. Well before I get to that...lemme tell you guys I look around this room, and I see unity. I look around and see on your chest, you're flyin' the WCW, the ECW colours...and it makes me feel good inside. It makes me realise that this unit is coming together. It makes me realise that the World Wrestling Federation ain't so strong after all. Nobody can stop us, men, nobody! I wanna single someone out right now. My lovely wife Debra, and say thank you from the bottom of my heart. See what, guys, happened is Debra last Monday night caught Lita red-handed runnin' down the good name of Stone Cold Steve Austin, yeah! She ran me down." "Oh, she ran him down." "(everybody says YEAH or something)" "That ain't gonna happen, that ain't gonna happen to Stone Cold, that ain't gonna happen to anybody here, because we stand together. So what did I do after we caught Lita runnin' me down? I challenged Matt Hardy to a match, and I got in that ring, I wore his (beep) out, 1, 2, 3, Stunner in the middle of the ring." "In the middle of the ring!" All: "Yeah!" "That's one of the proudest victories in recent memory for Stone Cold, and then, I stunned his little girlfriend Lita. Why? Because I wanted to. Why? Because I think she's weak. Why? Because I think she's trash. Why? Because I stunned her for each one of you guys. I stunned her for Tommy Dreamer. I stunned her for Bubba Ray. I stunned her for Lance Storm. I stunned her for the damn Alliance!" "The Alliance!" "YEAH!" "It's leadership by example, guys - it's watchin' each other's back. At SummerSlam, your champion, Stone Cold Steve Austin, your fearless leader takes on the Olympic champion, Kurt Angle...and what am I gonna do? What? What?" (everybody) "You're gonna crush him!" "You're damn right I'm gonna whip his (beep) I'm gonna crush him, I'm gonna do whatever it takes. By example, I'm gonna whip that man's (beep). Now tonight, guys, the WWF is comin' for everybody in here. Do ya understand me? They're breathing down our neck. I want you to watch each other's back, I want you to fly your colours, I want you to go out tonight, each and every single one of you, and open up a can of whoop(beep) Stone Cold Steve Austin style, are you with me?" "YEAH!" "Are you with me?" "YEAH!" "Are you with me?" "YEAH!" "Then go and whip somebody's (beep)!" General shouting, rah rah mirth and merriment

Opening Credits (including close caption logo)

WE GOT PYRO! Coming to you tonight from the Staples Center in Los Angeles, CA - 16,444 in the house and you and me at home - UPN is the place (or the Score) the night of 9.8.1 (taped 7.8) and there's doin's a transpirin'...

TONIGHT: Tag team elimination! Austin & the Dudley Boyz vs. Angle & the Hardy Boyz!

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: APA v. KANYON (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) and DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE - Wow, the APA are still competing? I almost forgot all about them! Faarooq starts with Page, and we're off. Faarooq ducks the punch, kick, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, shoulderblock by Faarooq. Page rolls out. Faarooq out after him - right, head to the apron, rolled back in. Kick, field goal kick, scoop...and a slam. Elbowdrop. 1, 2, kickout. Page manages a jawbreaker and runs to his corner to tag. Kanyon up top...but leaps into a powerslam from Faarooq! 1, 2, no. Tag to Bradshaw. Forearm in the back. Right, knee, forearm to the back, knife-edge chop, into the opposite corner...but Kanyon gets the boot up. Tonight, in addition to the big six-man elimination match, we'll have a hardcore title defense for Rob van Dam against Edge, and I hear tell the Rock will be around later as well. Kanyon going up top, but Bradshaw recovers quickly. Pair of forearms in the back. Bradshaw on the second rope - super fallaway slam!! 1, 2, ohhhh foot on the rope...and somehow referee "Blind" Teddy Long caught it. Kanyon rakes the face and makes the desperation tag, but Page doesn't have any better luck - right by Bradshaw, knee, chop, right, into the ropes is reversed, head down so Bradshaw forearms him in the back. There's an ugly but effective DDT - 1, 2, Page kicks out. Kick between the shoulderblades. Tag to Faarooq. Bradshaw holds Page open for the right. Kick, stomp, off the ropes...but Kanyon hooks the ankle, stopping Faarooq and turning him around - Page takes advantage with a big forearm to the back of the head. Bradshaw around the outside to catch up with Kanyon, rolling him in...and allowing him to assist Page in a double neckbreaker while Long works on getting Bradshaw back to his corner. Page covers - 2. Faarooq catches the kick, but spins Page into landing a discus lariat for 2. Off the ropes, duck, Faarooq with a spinebuster and both men are down. Long puts on the count - both men tag before 3 - shoulderblock by Bradshaw, into the corner, follow lariat, kick, into the ropes, big back elbow, big boot for Page, one for Kanyon, Page clotheslined out, clothesline for Kanyon, into the ropes, powerslam - 1, 2, Kanyon kicks out...I guess - we're watching the outside, where Faarooq was having his way with Page...until TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST showed up and gave Faarooq the Wotsitolla Boot, knocking him out on the floor. Back in the ring, rake of the face to Bradshaw, and into the corner with him...but Bradshaw ducks the charge, then lands the Hades lariat on Kanyon...but Test is in, BRAINING Bradshaw with a tag team belt - Kanyon drapes an arm over him and Long comes back to the real world - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have NEW tag team champions. (4:19) Test grabs the belts...and raises the hands of Page & Kanyon. Here's a replay. Hey, remember when we all figured Test was turning WCW? Looks like we all came correct after all.

WOW! The ROCK! The ROCK! THE ROCK - IS - WALKING!!

Commentators shill "Roswell" - they're good buddies, Tazz & Cole

HEY! ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER in the crowd! But where's his box office belt?

SATURN (with Moppy - and Let Us Take You Back 2 Weeks) v. RAVEN (with Nipples) - I don't know if it's anything to do with seeing Terri walk out with Raven, but Saturn decides to get the jump before the bell with a tope through the ropes! Raven rolled in (bell rings), Raven manages a right but Saturn regains control, whip pulling him into a belly-to-belly overhead suplex! Second rope springboard legdrop MISSES - Raven rams his head into the buckle (right next to Moppy), opens up the face - Saturn with a right, right, Raven ducks, Saturn with an explodah. Into the corner is reversed by Raven, off the ropes with a clothesline as he comes out - right, right, right. Raven to the second rope - but Saturn catches him as he leaps, turning Raven's whatever into a double leg takedown...thumbs up to Moppy...and there's the WOW Catapult into Moppy! Moss-covered, three handled family gredunza - 1, 2, 3 - well at least we broke that magic one-minute mark, eh? (1:14) Saturn jogs the ring...then stops in his tracks when he discovers Moppy's gone missing. Saturn upends the steps and checks under the ring...but there's no sign of the mop.

In the back, Page and Kanyon and Test celebrate. Test tells them (and the world) that if you mess with him, you're gonna eat his boot. But tonight's not aboot that, it's aboot celebrating...and he's gonna get them a table at the Viper Room. Gosh I hope nobody KILLS themselves. As Test leaves, Regal enters the frame and tells them that now that they hold WWF gold, they fall under his jurisdiction....so he's booked them in a match for SummerSlam against Taker & Kane. In a STEEL cage. Kanyon appears...crestfallen.

Got nothing better to do next Saturday? Head over to Paramount's Great America and get signatures from the APA! (Oops, they're not tag team champions anymore, though)

This reminder that SummerSlam is only TEN DAYS AWAY is brought to you by Drowning Pool!

LOOK! The exterior of the Staples Center!

YIKES - FORMER WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION DAVID ARQUETTE is in the crowd! Perhaps wisely, nobody mentions he's a former champion...

To the commissioner's office - Spike & Molly are BACK! and looking for action - before they can get some, however, X-Pac interrupts the proceedings and berates Regal for letting Tajiri's title win stand despite blatant cheatery with the dreaded green mist. What kind of commissioner IS he, anyway? "You know what - you suck." "Actually, I think the expression is 'X-Pac sucks.'" "Think I suck, huh? Well if you think I suck so bad, how 'bout you and Tiejirisan take on Albert 'n' I tonight...we'll see who sucks." "That's fine with me." Spike tells Regal he knows how busy he is - he'll be happy to take his place. Regal okays it. "Oh really? You better be careful, boy. You might wanna thank, uh, Commissioner here for what's gonna happen to you later. Bring it on." Regal sums it up after X-Pac leaves by saying "OOOH"

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: KING EDGE (without trophy - but with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. ROB VAN DAM - Did you know that van Dam isn't contractually obligated to do the job until AT LEAST August, 2003? Why would I make that up? Lockup, side headlock by Edge, van Dam powers out, shoulderblock by Edge off the ropes. van Dam does the splits to let Edge go up and over - van Dam wants a rollup, but Edge grabs the wheelbarrow and drops van Dam face first to the mat. van Dam manages to pull Edge through the ropes to the floor - and lands a pescado on him for 2. Kick, whip into the barricade is reversed...Edge charges but gets dumped over the barricade to the floor. van Dam on the barricade - somersault senton!! Tazz says "beautiful hilo," so maybe it was a hilo. Cover on the floor - 1, 2, Edge kicks out. van Dam stays in control - elbow to the mush - over the barricade and back to the floor. van Dam leaping onto the barricade - Edge crotches him, though. Edge under the ring - found a ladder. Ladder into the chest! Edge sets the ladder against the far post, goes after van Dam...but he lands an elbow, and a legsweep. WOW Catapult into the ladder, and Edge hits hard. 1, 2, Edge kicks out. Edge rolled back in - van Dam grabs the ladder and shoves it into the ring. van Dam on the apron and the ladder is on the second rope - Edge leaps from the corner to seesaw the ladder into van Dam - sorta. Edge out - 1, 2, no. The Double Feature doesn't make that semi-blown spot look any better, but A for effort. Edge rolls van Dam back in - and follows. Right, right, LANCE STORM is out, right, into the ropes is reversed, van Dam going for a splits leapfrog but Edge catches him and delivers an atomic drop. Edge off the ropes - but Storm lowers the bridge, sending him to the floor. Whip into the barricade...is reversed! Edge with a clothesline for Storm, knocking him down. Edge back in - van Dam tries a grab, but Edge slides in under the legs...grabs the waistlock, but van Dam manages a back kick in the vicinity of the face (not really). Edge ducks the clothesline and manages a release German suplex. Both men are down...and Storm's back up. Looks like he's ready to try the superkick...but Edge is ready, meeting Storm with a Viscera kick! Clothesline for van Dam - Edge-o-matic for Storm! But van Dam hits a sweet dropkick. Under the ring, finding a second chair (Storm had put one in the ring earlier, but nobody's used it). Stomp for Edge, chair set in the centre. Stomp - whip, no reversal, no, van Dam reversed back into the corner. Edge runs to the chair, vaults off of it and connects with a SPEAR onto Storm! (So what was van Dam gonna do with the chair but set up a spot for Edge? Or am I *thinking?*) Edge runs with a clothesline for van Dam. Gutshot for Storm, going for the big ol' DDT but van Dam stops that attempt with a spin kick. Now Storm and van Dam each have a chair...it's a CONCHAIRTO! That'll do it - 1, 2, 3. (5:21) Storm takes advantage of a fallen Edge to tell him a few things about a few things.

Tough Enough ad - the Hardyz & Lita appear!

Edge & Christian shill Stacker 2

And now, the Blast of the Night! Thank you, JVC, for your Giga-Tube system, and thank you for the Blast of the Night! From RAW, Tajiri mists X-Pac, kicks, and pins to win the light heavyweight championship.

To the Room of Fun: "It's a six man elimination tag, Debra. The thing about it is...I hate Matt Hardy, I hate Jeff Hardy, and I really hate Kurt Angle. It makes me sick! At least I got the Dudleyz. What, come in! Hey, man - Chuck Palumbo, Sean O'Haire, I been watching you guys, you're lookin' good." Are those new belts? "Steve, listen, we're fired up. We know the Dudleyz have your back tonight, but in the future, we wanna be there for you. I mean, you're our champ, we're the champs, I think we can help you out." "Stone Cold, we wanna lead just like you do." "By example." "I like it, guys. You're showin' Attitude, you're showin' initiative, you're showin' the traits of a winner, I like that! What you gotta do here in the World Wrestling Federation to make a name for yourself is not be afraid to challenge people. Don't listen to nobody, do it on your own! Stand up for yourself! Raise some hell out there! Believe in yourself." "We're not scared." "You're damn right. Don't ever back down from nobody! Don't ever back down! You're damn right. You guys are gonna be big, big superstars. I've got no doubt. Go out there and just raise some hell and whip some (beep)." Off they go. To Debra: "We're gonna raise some hell AND whip some (beep)!" "A couple of go-getters right there." "That's right." Did I mention Austin's wearing a WCW shirt? Well, what did you WANT me to do, figure out what the heck just happened between Palumbo, O'Haire and Austin or what it meant?

SPIKE DAMN DUDLEY (with Molly Holly) and TAJIRI v. X-PAC & YAAAAAAAAALBERT - X-Pac (sucks?) starts with Tajiri - Albert's jawing from the apron, so Tajiri unloads a crescent kick to UNjaw him...and send him to the floor. 'Pac tries to take advantage of the distraction to run in, but only manages to trade blows with him - into the ropes, Tajiri reverses - dueling hiptosses fails, 'Pac with the leg over the neck and flippy flippy, Tajiri ducks the spin kick and connects with one of his own. Arm wringer, tag to Spike - off the top with an axehandle to the arm. Keeping on the arm wringer...'Pac pops him one to break it up - overhand forearm to the back - off the ropes, Spike ducks the swing and manages a headscissors takeover on the way back. Free shot for Albert - X-Pac into the ropes, reversed, duck...Albert catches him - presses - and tosses him over his back, from the apron to the floor. Albert gives Spike a look. X-Pac outside to stay on him - axehandle from the apron, chop, forearm in the back, rolled back in...vertical suplex...for 2. Into the corner, tag to Albert - right hand, kick, right, "fight back! You're BORING me!" stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. A few more kind words for Spike ("Are you ready to fly?" Hmm, didn't know he was a ROZALLA fan) ...then he casually hurls him into the centre of the ring. Albert picks him up by his belt (heh) over to the corner to make the tag. Held open for the headbutt in the abdomen. X-Pac with the scoop...and the slam. Off the ropes with a lightning legdrop for 2. Quick tag. Right hand by Albert. Yaaaaaaaah stomp. Into the ropes - yaaaah running him over. Going for the yaaaaaah scissor kick but Spike ducks it and Albert crotches himself on the top rope! Crowd comes alive for Spike...and he makes the tag! Ducks Albert's forearm and keeps running until he forearms X-Pac. Back kick for Albert - X-Pac reverses a whip, Tajiri with the handspring elbow, covers X-Pac (not the legal man) - 1, 2, out of the way as Albert tries to break it up with a splash - but hits X-Pac instead! Spike in - gnoshing on Albert's dome while Tajiri tosses X-Pac - Albert has Spike...but Tajiri kicks the back of his leg to chop him down - off the ropes - double dropkick to Albert! We look outside where X-Pac has found Molly...what's he gonna do? He's gonna EAT a slap, looks like! X-Pac shoves her (!) so Spike comes out of the ring with a pescado! Tajiri, meanwhile, is trying to get the tarantula on Albert....but X-Pac punches him in the head to break that up. Tazz: "Always in the right place at the right time." Tajiri sent into the corner...but escaping the yaaaaaaavalanche. Tajiri with a kick, kick, right, right, right, and so on, and while THIS is happening, X-Pac is trying to bring in his title belt - Spike with a right and a grab, but then and only then does referee "Blind" Jack Doan see shenanigans to put a stop to. As he and Spike argue, Tajiri kicks X-Pac, then tries to use him to provide a Hardyesque boost...only, Albert catches him in a choke anyway. X-Pac takes the OTHER title belt, clocks Tajiri on his way to a hard landing in the Baldobomb - Albert covers, Doan turns back round, 1, 2, 3. (5:11)

Shane and Booker are WALKING! OH MY!

SmackDown! is LIVE! next week! Superfluous exclams!

Psst....you're watching UPN

We return to the commissioner's office - Saturn looks for Moppy until Regal shoos him away, telling him Terri probably has a better idea where Moppy is. Saturn checks Regal's teapot one more time, says "You're welcome," and takes off...just as Palumbo and O'Haire arrive. THEY want a match tonight with ANY tag team. Regal says the Hardyz are already booked, and we've already seen the APA, so he'll have to think about it. Oh...by the way, the WCW tag team titles will be on the line? But of course. Regal agrees. I have a feeling he's already got somebody in mind...

Accompanied by the TV-PG-DLV ratings box, NAPPY T & SHANE CAN'T DANCE are out...this entrance is transmitido en espanol SAP, by the way. Hey, guess who speaks first? That's right! The WHITE guy. "Wow, Booker, look at this crowd - FILLED to the rafters with self-important, sanctimonious Hollywood phonies. And I can tell, by looking in each and every one of their eyes, that none of you, and I mean none of you, have ever been in a fight in your life! But I'm out here tonight to remind you that in a Street Fight, it's not important who walks away with their hand raised in victory - it's not important. What's important is the man who walks away period. And last Monday night, it was Shane O. Mac and Booker T that walked away from that Street Fight at the expense, at the expense, of the so-called 'Great One,' the Rock." "HE SAID THE ROCK!" "I keep hearing the millions and millions of fans chanting the Rock's name, so let me take you back....but Booker, let me remind everyone, let me take you back to last Monday night on RAW, and let's show exactly what happened to the People's Champ, the Rock, roll the footage for me! There it is, the Rock's right there, I'm about to snap the Rock's ankle right in two right there, no no, but then Booker T wanted to save the Rock's ankle but BOOM a decapitation. And then from there, lookit that, Booker T puttin' the boots to the People's Champ yeah, that's it Booker, and then checkitout WHAM taste some gold, Rock, taste some gold. And then from there, uh oh, Shane O Mac going up top and OH YEAH, up up and away. That's what I'm talkin' about. I told ya it was the man who walks out from a Street Fight...period. So Booker T, I gotta ask you a question: after seeing all that, who's the sucka now?" "Good question. Good question, Shane. I would say the sucka is the man who got his (beep) kicked last Monday night. I'd say the sucka is the man who is not five-time WCW Champion. I'd say the sucka is....the man who's scared and jealous of Booker T. ROCK, I would say YOU'RE the sucka...sucka. But you know what? Rock, if you feel any different about what I said, all you have to do is accept my challenge at SummerSlam, and I will give you everything you got comin' to you. First thing would be... ["Rock E!"] ...like I said, the first thing will be...the scissor kick. BOOYA! The second thing is gonna be...the spinaroonie. ONE, TWO, THREE, now can u dig that, SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAA." IF YA SMELLLL out for the rebuttal. But first, another chant. "Finally, the Rock has come back to Los Angeles! Booker T, you wanna go one on one with the Great One at SummerSlam? Well congratulations, 'cause you're GOING one on one with the Great One at SummerSlam. But before the Rock faces you at SummerSlam, he has...one question. What in the blue hell is a spinaroonie? Who came up with the spinaroonie, Fisher-Price? And just so the Rock understands this, so the Rock's thinking is clear, the Rock has got...the Sharpshooter, the Rock Bottom, and the...People's Elbow. And you've got...the spinaroonie, the dipsy-doodle, and the sufferin' succotash!" YES ROCK MADE A LIST ROCK E ROCK E ROCK E "You see, Booker T...you can get involved in the Rock's Street Fight on Monday night...you can come and challenge the Rock on the Rock's show (SmackDown!) to a match at SummerSlam, you can come all the way out here to Hollywood just to get your hair done by Whoopi Goldberg..." GOLD BERG GOLD BERG GOLD BERG "...but, Booker T, all jokes aside, there is nothing - AND THE ROCK MEANS NOTHING that's gonna stop the Rock from giving the five-time WCW Champion a five star ass (beep)in' all over SummerSlam! But now we have...one problem. At this moment, the Rock is not interested in SummerSlam. The Rock's interest...is tonight." "I know you want the Bookerman real bad, so I tell you this: why don't you walk down that so-called People's Ramp....step into the People's Ring....and face Shane O. Mac and Booker T in a handicap match, right now." "Allow the Rock to think for one second--" and he drops the mic and walks down the ramp. Shane tries to keep him from nearing the ropes, kicking through the ropes - finally, Booker holds him back and dares Rock to come in. Rock has backed around to the commentary area...where he decides to grab TONY CHIMEL's chair and make a run...but T drops the hammer as soon as he's underneath the rope. Big-time stompin' by Booker T - repeated rights. Shane gets to lay HIS feet on him as well. T brings Rock back to the center to take a heel kick. He asks Shane to lift him up and hold him for a chairshot - well, we all know where THIS will go - whoops, I was wrong. I was SURE Shane would take an errant chair, but instead Rock just elbows out of the hold and lands one on T before he can swing - gutshot, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, spinebuster on the chair! Stomp, stomp, stomp, and as T rolls out, Shane flies over to deliver a forearm to Rock's back - again, again, again - Rock back to his feet like "you expecting me to sell THAT?" Block, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and Shane goes over the top to the floor. Rock goes out...and removes the top of the commentary table, the removes the monitors. Looks like he's out for revenge from Monday. Shane's tried to hightail it through the crowd, but Rock goes out, gets him, and brings him back to the ringside area. Running clothesline by the Rock! Rock brings Shane over to the commentary table...ROCK BOTTOM! Cole: "Team Bring It says: let the bodies hit the floor!" Me: "Whut?" Play his music.

TONIGHT: Tag team elimination!

Drowing Pool sez: 10 DAYS 'TIL SUMMERSLAM

Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago

Backstage, Saturn is still searching for Moppy. Terri walks up. "Hey, Perry!" "Have you seen my Moppy?" "You talking about the same rotten, stinky, smelly mop that you chose over me? Huh? Yeah? Well, you know what Perry - you lost the mop the same way you lost me...and by the way...you're welcome."

WCW TAG TEAM TITLE: CHUCK PALUMBO & SEAN O'HAIRE v. FUN BROTHERS (with Sara) - Chimel says this match is for the "WCW tag team champions" but I think he meant something else. Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, by the way. The champs ain't exactly thrilled to see Kane & Taker come down the aisle second, nonetheless Palumbo stands at the ready to tie it up with Kane. And here we go - Kane shoves him to the corner, kick, right, kick, right, back elbow, Palumbo ducks and switches - right, right, right, kick, right, whip is reversed and Kane pulls Palumbo into a short clothesline. Uppercut. Into the ropes, scooped up on the shoulder - but Palumbo goes down the back and shoves Kane to his partner. Kane blocks the free shot and takes him off the apron with a right. Kane turns back - Palumbo right, right, discus right, Kane spins around into a hot shot from O'Haire, then eats a clothesline from Palumbo that FINALLY takes him off his feet - but only for 2. Tag to O'Haire - open shot - right, right, into the ropes, reversal, Kane with a powerslam. Palumbo in - Palumbo down with a right. Kane grabs O'Haire and tags Taker - open kick, soupbone, head to the buckle, into the opposite corner, follow lariat, back to the first corner - O'Haire tries to clothesline out but Taker ducks it, scoops him up and drops him in...well, kind of a half spinebuster/half sidewalk slam kinda thing. Whatever it was, it gets Taker a 2 count. Arm wringer, shoulder drive, kick, climbing the corner...if you're in the crowd, say "old school." Head to the buckle, into the ropes, head down, O'Haire with a kick - no effect. O'Haire ducks a clothesline, lands one of his own, taking Taker outside...except he lands on his feet. Taker pulls O'Haire out by his ankles, back elbow, head to the barrier. Palumbo can't let this go on and leaps off the apron with a clothesline, taking Taker down. Here comes Kane - uppercut for Palumbo - referee "Blind" Tim White is busy with Kane, missing O'Haire catch Taker in the head with a chair. Palumbo sneaks in some stomps - White isn't having much luck here. Palumbo back in the ring - O'Haire stomps Taker and sends him back in to Palumbo (illegal man but I guess there was an implied tag somewhere) - stomp. Right, into the ropes, head down...so Taker DDT's him. White puts on the count - Taker tags Kane at 4 - he's up top - flying clothesline down! Right hand for O'Haire - into the ropes, big boot. Clothesline for Palumbo, O'Haire's head meets the buckle, into the corner, clothesline follow, sidewalk slam. Palumbo scooped up - powerslammed down. O'Haire in the choke...Palumbo in the other hand...frantically trying to get out with punches and kicks, and succeeding! They're gonna turn it into a double suplex...oh no they're not, Taker is in to shift the pile back - Taker with a choke on Palumbo, Kane ducks a swing from O'Haire and HE's got a choke - DOUBLE CHOKESLAM! - I'm not gonna tell you who's legal, but it looks like you live by the ol' double pin, you die by the ol' double pin - 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have new WCW tag team champions - and that SummerSlam match probably just became a unification bout. (4:48) I wonder what Totally Buffed think of all this.

"WWF SummerSlam Celebration" at Great America spot #2

The RC cola rewind is Jericho putting a pie in Stephanie's face as two members of the Planet of the Apes watch - yuk yuk yuk

In a dressing room, Hugh Morrus and Stephanie have a shouting contest. Then Morrus attempts to clue us in to what his "WWF personality" is gonna be like by adding, "Hey, how do you think he made those monkeys do that, anyway?"

CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO (with SmackDown! is brought to you by Corn Nuts, Clearasil, and Warner Brothers' "American Outlaws") v. HUGH MORRUS - Poor Hugh, they made him shave out the rubber bands! Hugh gets to pounding - open-handed slap, slap, right, kick, into the ropes, Jericho ducks, ducks again and hits the flying jalapeno. Jericho...kinda backs into him (?), chop, chop, into the opposite corner, off the ropes but Morrus has the bulldog scouted and ducksericho with a gutshot, and...off the ropes with the bulldog. Oh well. Jericho going for the Lionsault (why not, it's been 45 seconds) but Morrus gets the knees up! Morrus with a belly-to-belly suplex - leg is hooked - 1, 2, no! I'm shocked, the ref being Nick Patrick and all. Morrus wants the powerbomb, but Jericho follows through, climbing down the back, rolling him up, grabbing the legs and turning into the Walls of Jericho - Morrus taps - and Patrick actually rings the bell! A MARATHON Jericho match clocking in at (1:25). In fact, I think we're spending *more* time watching Jericho walk up the ramp than in the ring...oh, but it turns out there was a reason we stuck with him - Jericho is caught with a clothesline by RHYNO THE MAN BEAST - right, right, suplex on the stage, and a GORE! GORE! GORE! that takes Jericho through the screen in the middle of the Time Tunnel! Look carefully and you can see the rear projectors. Here's a replay. Say, isn't it a tradition that the unveiling of a new set is usually heralded by a wanton act of destruction 'pon the OLD set?

Kane shills Stacker 2...as only he can

See previous paragraph

Next week....it's LIVE!

Moments Ago, four paragraphs ago

In the back, Stephanie overacts to Rhyno. He enjoyed it....but he's not finished with Jericho. He'd like to finish him at SummerSlam. Stephanie overacts to this great idea.

During the Break, Saturn called in the police to help find Moppy. "You called us all the way out here for a mop?" "Moppy Q. McMopperson - you guys have to help me find her!" "We'll put our best men on it...Perry." "We'll give you a call when we hear something." "Thank you, thank you..." "No, thank YOU, Perry..." "You're welcome..."

NEXT: Tag Team Elimination!

Tough Enough ad #2

Oh man, I gotta get me a Code Red Slurpee

And now, the Hardcore Smack of the Night, presented by Corn Nuts! From RAW, clips of the Austin/Hardy match - including Lita's Stunner

THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN (with Austin/Angle SummerSlam graphic) v. HARDY BOYZ and KURT ANGLE in an elimination match - Wow, only 9:37...this match MAY break the one minute mark! Angle and the Hardyz hit the ring...and Austin and the Dudleyz back out. Hey, you think it'll come down to Angle and Bubba Ray Dudley again? Naaaah. Angle wants to start with Austin - Austin shakes his head. Ha ha, Austin RULES. Looks like Angle will start with Bubba Ray...no, Angle tags out to Matt - no, Austin tags Bubba Ray - ha ha ha ha ha. Austin ties up with Hardy...side headlock, grinning at Angle the whole time. Really grinding in that side headlock. Angle urges Matt to reach his corner and get that tag so he can get a piece of Austin...Matt is closer...but Austin kicks away Angle's outstretched hand. This brings Angle in...and allows Austin to take Matt back to his corner for an illegal tripleteam behind the back of "Blind" Earl Hebner, who's too busy trying to get Angle back out of the ring. Austin with a chop, chop, chop - into the ropes, reversal, Hardy with a sleeper! Austin backs into his own corner..and the Dudleyz lay in a beatdown from the corner. D-Von is in - right, into the ropes, Hardy ducks, gutshot, off the ropes with a swinging neckbreaker. Tag to Jeff SQUEEEEEAL hey Jeff take your damn baseball cap off, this ain't a BARN, doubleteam in the corner, into the opposite corner, Poetry in Motion, Matt with a clothesline, Jeff with a cover - 1, no. Jeff with a kick, D-Von with a blind tag - Jeff up and over D-Von...and PASTED with a clothesline by Bubba Ray. Elbowdrop, elbowdrop, elbowdrop, 1, 2, kickout. "We want tables!" Tag to D-Von - into the ropes, double flapjack and Jeff almost overrotates on the landing. 1, 2, no. Tag to Bubba Ray. Head to the buckle - open-handed slap, rips up the shirt and slaps again - into the opposite corner but Jeff jumps to the top rope and flies off with the Gay in the Gay, knocking down Dudley! Both men are down...Bubba Ray tags D-Von, and Jeff makes the HOT TAG to Angle! Right hand, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Angle ducks the clothesline, crossbody block - clothesline for Bubba Ray, belly-to-belly for D-Von - 1, 2, Austin drops the hammer and breaks it up! It's all broken down now - Matt runs over Austin, taking him outside while on the opposite side, Jeff hits a pescado on Bubba Ray. In the ring, Angle's whip is reversed - D-Von trying for a Slop Drop, but Angle backflips, grabs that ankle - Anglelock! D-Von has to tap. (Call 4:11) Bubba Ray completely misses Angle, but does manage to run him over to gain control. Head to the buckle. Bubba Ray pulls down the strap so he can land the open-handed slap on skin only. Right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp. Into the ropes, head down, kick by Angle, and clothesline. Angle to his corner - tag to Matt - right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed - Bubba comes in and eats a boot - Matt up top - flying clothesline lands - 1, 2, Bubba rolls the shoulder! Gutshot, Twist of Fate - nope, Dudley shoves him into Austin...who helpfully provides a big right hand - Matt staggers back into the Bubbabomb - 1, 2, 3! (5:33) In comes Jeff Hardy...pounding on the back - into the ropes is reversed, and Bubba Ray hits a big back body drop...and we take...an AD break?? Wow, how OLD SCHOOL

Dear Jesus, let there PLEASE be an "American Pie" movie made EVERY year so I can spend at least one month out of every year watching "American Pie" ads

WWF SmackDown! returns in a moment on UPN!

When we come back...we look at the GRAPHIC again?? What's up with THAT?

Don't know how much time has passed, but Bubba Ray is going up for the SENTON THAT NEVER, EVER LANDS - and....get ready...he MISSES! Hardy crawls to the wrong corner...oh, wait, he just wanted to climb up top and land the SWANTONBOMB - and MAN, he landed FULL FORCE on Dudley's stomach that time. Hardy covers - 1, 2, OHHHH Austin pulls Hebner outside!! Austin in the ring - KICK WHAM STUNNER! Angle is in, kicking Austin outside...but it's too late. Dudley covers Hardy as Hebner recovers - 1, 2, 3. (5:43 + 0:55) It's two on one - and Angle seems unaware, chasing Austin into the ring - and taking a pasting from Bubba Ray Dudley. Cover - 1, 2, Angle kicks out. Dudley tries again, and gets another 2. Dudley in a mount - right, right, right, right, tomahawk chop - forearm in the back - Austin wants him now, and he'll get the tag after one more Dudley forearm. Austin with a shot to the back of the head...and a blatant choke. Austin with a knee to the back of the head. Snap suplex. 1, 2, Angle gets the shoulder up. Austin's probably happy he did - stomp, snapmare, knee in the back to accentuate the chinlock. Angle struggles back to his feet - elbow, elbow, right, Austin right, Angle right, Austin, Angle, Austin, Angle, Austin, Angle, Angle, ANGLE, into the ropes is reversed, Angle ducks the backhand, but goes down to the Austin Press - Austin with six rights, and bounces off the ropes with the Up Yours elbow - leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO! Austin tries again - AGAIN Angle kicks out at 2! Angle put in the corner, whipped to the opposite corner...but he gets the shoulder up to stop Austin on the charge. Angle runs at Austin...and falls in a spinebuster. Steve crawls over to Angle - 1, 2, no! Austin is starting to feel frustrated. Austin with a double leg - now sitting back in a Boston crab - we don't see this often from Austin, but desperate times call for Boston crabs. Angle reaches back and grabs Austin's leg...and manages to roll into an Anglelock! Bubba Ray is quickly in with a boot to the face to keep Austin from tapping. Austin rolls to his corner as Dudley gets back - there's the tag. Dudley with a stomp. Dudley calls to Austin - but Angle pops up with a right! Dudley with a gutshot - ready to ram Angle into the corner, but Angle reverses and ends up shoving Dudley into a collision with Austin! Austin falls to the floor as Angle grabs a waistlock - GERMAN SUPLEX! Everybody's down...Dudley wants a tag but he can't make it to his corner - Angle has the waistlock once again. Dudley with a back elbow, another, Angle with a forearm - and the GERMAN SUPLEX works again! Hebner puts on a count...up to 4. Both men slowly up - Angle with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, Dudley lands one but has no effect, right by Angle, right, into the ropes, reversal, Angle with the flying jalapeno! Angle heads off Austin, who's coming in - "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, into the ropes, belly-to-belly!! Dudley is back though - and he's the legal man - gets a forearm in the back - trying for an Irish whip but Angle reverses, slips under...and hits the OLYMPIC SLAM! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3! It's down to Angle and Austin. (5:43 + 5:58) Austin's back in - but Angle has HIS ankle!! Austin reaches the bottom rope, AND taps, but ALL of this is missed as Hebner is trying to roll Bubba Ray out of the ring. Meanwhile, D-VON DAMN DUDLEY is back out, and he's got a chair - WHACK. D-Von is admirably selling a hurt ankle in the ring, despite his full-on sprint just seconds ago (must be adrenaline!) - D-Von stomps away on Angle...he and Bubba Ray hold up Angle as Austin hops on his good leg, pokes his stomach with his bad leg and hits the STUNNER. Austin tells the Dudleyz to go ahead and give him 3D (Dudley Death Drop) for good measure as well. And now Austin has the chair - ohhhhhh he's gonna PILLMANISE Kurt Angle's ankle! The leg is in the chair - Austin on the second rope - and down he comes. Here come the HARDY BOYZ (too late?) to clear the ring and make the girlies squeal. They check on Angle..."ah man, it's broke, it's broke, watch it." Replay of the Pillmaniser (two angles). The EMTs are out - Angle is gonna get the stretcher ride out. We get a shot of Austin watching all this...and smiling. Austin's got a mic...and he's crawled into the ring. "That's right! You ain't such a hero now, are ya. Huh, you ain't so tough, are ya, Kurt. HEY! You ain't so tough now, ain't ya. C'mere" Austin rolls out and walks up the ramp. "Look atchya, c'mere - hey Kurt, 'I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic,' and that's a buncha crap." Just out of hearing range, Bubba Ray adds "one Nation under Stone Cold Steve Austin!" "Go get them sum(beep)!" The Dudleyz bum rush the Hardyz, and the EMTs scatter, leaving Angle easy pickings. "Look atcha, the red white and blue. You ain't such a hero now, are ya uh? Uh? Uh?" Austin upends the stretcher. OHHHHHHHHH Stomp. "'I pledge ALLEGIANCE (stomp), to the FLAG (stomp) of the united STATES (stomp) OF (stomp) AMERICA (stomp stomp)!'" Austin turns to the crowd. "THIS is a piece of trash! A red, white and..." Angle grabs his ankle and applies the Anglelock AGAIN! Austin taps...like it'll help. Bubba Ray makes the save, a little too late, then Jeff Hardy punks out Bubba Ray...and holds back Angle to keep him from going after Austin again, and possibly hurting himself some more. Austin is still shouting "I BROKE YER DAMN LEEEEEEEEEEG!" while Angle is...looking intense. Tough Enough over on MTV!

Hmmm...I'd'a called it a DQ, but I guess we'll call it (No contest 5:43 + 7:23) - my cutoff point was the Pillmaniser. Hmmm, strange that I would say that so many times on the night of the Pillman Memorial. Or WAS it all that strange?

CRZ
[slash] wrestling