U! P! N! THURSDAY!

One World Leader Attitude - TV-PG-DLV - WWF!

LAST MONDAY: The night of a thousand FAXs

The Beautiful Opening Credits (ahhhhhhhh)

PYRO AWAY and so are we - coming to you from the Mobile Civic Center in Mobile, AL 4.10.1 (taped 2.10) and SAP transmitido en espanol on UPN and the Score.

TONIGHT: Dudley Boyz & Nick Patrick v. Rock & Chris Jericho & Mike Chioda! OH BOY WRESTLING REFS!

TONIGHT: Stacy Keibler vs. Torrie Wilson in a bikini contest! OH BOY WRESTLING BIKINI CONTEST!

But first....here come de money as SHANE CAN'T RAISE THE ROOF leads TEAM W/ECW out to the ring for some WRESTLING TALK! "Last Monday night, Stone Cold Steve Austin FAXed in his request for a rematch for the World Wrestling Federation championship...and that request was denied emphatically by WWF Commissioner William Regal, Regal flat out said 'no rematch.' And that's why the Alliance is out here this evening. The Alliance is all gathered here because we are gathered in protest to that decision. Now you may not LIKE the Alliance...you may not respect the Alliance, but what all of you have to do is, you have to respect what is right, and what is right is giving Stone Cold Steve Austin a rematch for the World Wrestling Federation Championship. I just so happen to have information...you see, Stone Cold Steve Austin has a return clause in his contract, and it states that if Stone Cold Steve Austin, if somehow Stone Cold was to ever lose the WWF Championship, then Stone Cold Steve Austin would automatically, AU-TO-MATICALLY be granted a rematch for the WWF Championship. Now I know most all of you here never finished high school...let alone law school. And we certainly all don't need a law degree to figure this one out. But what I'm saying is, Commissioner Regal, I'm asking you to come down here so we can straighten all this mess out, because who wants to be in the courts going through all this contractual mumbo jumbo when Regal, when you come out here, you can come out here and do the right thing and grant Stone Cold Steve Austin his rematch for the WWF Championship THIS Monday night on RAW! So Commissioner, if you please, please come on out here. .... We're not leaving, Commissioner, until you come out here, the Alliance will stay in this ring in protest the entire evening if we have to!" After a respectable pause, COMMISSIONER REGAL does come out, paper in hand. "Shane McMahon...I have in my hand the contract from Stone Cold Steve Austin...and although it grieves me to say this, everything that you said this evening is quite correct. Stone Cold Steve Austin DOES have a rematch clause in his contract, and so the only proper thing for me to do would be to grant that rematch. But, there's one sssslight, just slight little problem. On July the 22d, 2001, Stone Cold Steve Austin left the WWF...and joined your miserable little band of misfits. Now, when he left the WWF, his WWF contract, with all its stipulations, all its clauses, became null (rips up contract) and void. Now listen to me you wretched little toerag, because I will only say this once. You have NOTHING. No rematch, no contract, no clauses, and as far as this little protest of yours goes, if you don't remove yourselves right now I can either have the authorities do it, or I can go to the WWF locker room and have the WWF superstars do it for me." "Okay, okay, hold on a second, Regal. No reason - no reason to be brash. Umm....I got an idea for ya. Got a proposition for you, got a proposition for Kurt Angle. How 'bout tonight, Commissioner, tonight In This Very Ring, Kurt Angle in a - in a nontitle match, NOT for the World Wrestling Federation championship, face one member of the Alliance, one member of our choosing. AND, and, if that member of the Alliance defeats Kurt Angle, or should I say WHEN that member of the Alliance defeats Kurt Angle...then you will grant Stone Cold Steve Austin his rematch for the WWF Championship next Monday on RAW!" "Are you quite mad, man? What kind of a proposition is that? I think you've taken too many hits to the head, sunshine." "I wasn't finished. Let me sweeten the pot just a little bit. If Kurt Angle was somehow to defeat whichever member of the Alliance that it is, then this Monday night on RAW, Kurt Angle...will face the WCW Champion the Rock! And again, knowing the competitor that Kurt Angle is, Kurt Angle would then have the opportunity to make history. Kurt Angle would then be able to be not only the World Wrestling Federation champion, but also the WCW Champion - the champion of champions! Now Commissioner Regal, all you have to do, all Kurt Angle has to do is accept this stipulation, and let's get this done right here tonight, and you will grant Austin his rematch on Monday!" "To be quite honest with you, Shane, that sounds rather intriguing, but it doesn't matter what I think, it's what Kurt Angle thinks is what matters. So why don't you take your merry little men back to the locker room and I will go and talk to Kurt right away." "But, but you see Kurt Angle has nothing to lose, nothing at all. The WWF Championship is NOT on the line tonight - nothing to lose and everything to gain. You go deliver THAT message to Kurt Angle, Mr. Regal, thank you." But he won't have to - KURT ANGLE is out. "Shane...buddy!" "USA!" "Shane...buddy! [Did he HAVE to start over? It sounds so...*scripted* when he does that...] Gosh, I had fun kickin' your butt last Monday night! By the way, how's the ankle? Look, I want you to do me a favour - I want you to call your pal Stone Cold Steve Austin, and tell him congratulations...he's STILL a horse's (beep)! And as far as your proposition - a chance to become WWF and WCW champion...I accept. Oh it's true...it's damn true! It's BLOODY damn true!" Then, the ghost of Graham Chapman appeared and said "but it's not a PROPER punchline!" but everybody ignored him.

WWF Home Video ad

Wehehell it's the WWF Smack of the Night, presented by Clearasil! It's for zits! From RAW, Albert punks out Edge from behind, leading to a guaranteed six man tag on SmackDown! - wait, that's tonight!

CHRISTIAN (with your hosts are LARRY KING & PAUL E. HEYMAN - Cole & Tazz will be back next week) and X-PAC & YAAAAAAAAAALBERT v. A.P.A. and KING EDGE (with Rob Zombie's CD cover - available 13 November) - X-Pac starts with Faarooq - 'Pac with a martial arts demonstration; Faarooq opts for a simple right hand. Simple...yet effective! Right, forearm in the back, into the corner, backbreaker out, 1, 2, kickout. X-Pac into the ropes gaain, ducks the clothesline and hits the spin kick. Pound, pound, elbow, into the ropes is revrsed, Faarooq manages a powerslam for 2. Tag to Bradshaw - into the ropes, double shoulderblock, off the ropes with a elbowdrop is Bradshaw, 2. Forearm to the mush, neckbreaker, 1, 2, no. Bradshaw off the ropes - Christian from behind, turning him around and causing a long enough distraction for X-Pac to forearm the back - into the ropes is reversed, NO DON'T TRY THE CROSSBODY - that only means a fallaway slam is to come, but at least Bradshaw gets to give Christian a big boot before executing...just to break it up a bit. Albert in and HE doesn't feel like letting Bradshaw work on him - scissors kick finds the mark. Albert drags Bradshaw back to his corner and stomps away...I didn't see a tag but maybe I wasn't paying attention - I'm pretty sure referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas wasn't. Anyway, Christian and X-Pac are outside. Big headbutt. Right, right, X-Pac getting some shots in as well. X-Pac: "YEAAAAAAAH" Albert out to have a word with Korderas - Christian with a blatant choke and X-Pac continues popping Bradshaw. Albert hoists him up - WOW, big half hour suplex. 1, 2, no! Bradshaw sent into the ropes - yaaaah clothesline. Free shots for Faarooq and Edge to shift the ref's attention - but when he moves back, Bradshaw ducks the clothesline and manages an ugly death suplex. Both men are down - Edge wants the tag - I bet he gets it! HOT TAG! X-Pac in without a tag (or he remembered he was legal all along, who can say) - Edge ducks, clothesline, clothesline, right for Albert, right, ducks a spin kick from X-Pac and hits the Edge-o-matic. Beating on X-Pac in the corner - Albert coming up from behind but Edge heard the YAAAAAAAAH and stepped aside just in time for X-Pac to take the big avalanche. Edge with an elbow, elbow, Faarooq in to give X-Pac a spinebuster, *Christian* in and when Edge turns to meet him, he decides he'd really rather be outside, pronto. Albert takes advantage, pressing Edge...but Edge lands on his feet! Off the ropes, ducks a clothesline and spearing Christian! Albert grabs Edge again...but Bradshaw is back in - off the ropes, big boot to Albert, kicking Christian out of the ring...meanwhile, Faarooq has X-Pac on the outside, and now Bradshaw has Christian...back in the ring, gutshot by Edge on Albert, Buzzkiller (Ross: "Edge's version of the DDT") - 1, 2, 3! (4:07)

In the Alliance locker room, Shane says looks for volunteers...and everyone wants to take on Angle for Austin. Shane decides that this will be handled democratically - and passes out secret ballots...

You MAY be interested to know that "Best of RAW Volume 1" is this month's WWF Fanatic Series presentation!

Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2 - preferred by crime syndicate members worldwide

You're watching SmackDown! on UPN!

It's time now for the Subway Slam of the Week and are we gonna come out of EVERY ad break with another moment presented by another sponsor? From last week's SmackDown!, Hurricane makes off with Molly

Earlier Tonight, Hurricane and Molly made their entrance on the Hurricycle. "This blasted hurritraffic has left us little time to strategize. Quick, we must--" Jonathan Coachman interrupts at this point to attempt to ask Molly why she left her boyfriend Spike Dudley "to be a...uh...what are you?" "Holy trick questions, Citizen Coachman! Molly Holly didn't LEAVE Spike Dudley...I mean, Spike was a...nice little man, but let's face it: life with him was going nowhere. I mean, he doesn't have superpowers, he can't fly...he doesn't even have his own cape!" "Wassupwitdat?" "The Hurricane has shown me my true calling - a higher purpose in life - to help the Hurricane fight for truth and justice. As of this day, Molly Holly no longer exists...for I am...Mighty Molly, faithful sidekick of...the Hurricane!" And off she goes. "It took a while to expurge Spike Dudley from her system...but now her Mollycules are pure. Quick, to the Hurricave!" WHOOOOOSH

WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & SPIKE DUDLEY v. HURACAN & AWESOME MIKE AWESOME (with Mighty Molly) - Ross says that Spike decided to compete in this match rather than go out for a night on the town with the Show - that means that either the writers decided what they had in mind was gonna REALLY suck, or that it was gonna cost too much for a coupla midcarders, or actually they never had anything in mind and couldn't come up with some skits on short notice, or (and this is the most likely possibility) some other reason entirely. Lightweights start - Hurricane hits the pose, Spike looks outside, sad to see Molly smile at the thumbs up from the superhero - Hurricane with a hurrineckbreaker on the distracted Dudley. Hurriright hand, pose, vertical hurrisuplex, pose, pose, off the hurriropes, hurrilegdrop, hurriscoop...and a hurrislam...and yet another pose. Off the ropes, Awesome tags himself in. At least HE'S tired of the posing - Hurricane isn't exactly pleased about things - Awesome bowls him over on his way to a shouldertackle to Dudley. Overhand forearm. Head to the buckle. "I hate you, Spike! You hear that? I hate you!" Hmm, I wonder what Awesome's motivation is. Into the corner, forearm to the back. He hates him! Into the ropes, press...and drop. Stun gun. Ross suggests Awesome is getting himself a chunk to make up for the upset loss at the hands of Spike on Heat. Gasp! Hurricane tags himself back in - Awesome tags HIMSELF back in - back to stomping. Elbowdrop. 1, 2, Spike kicks out. Scoop...and a slam. More badmouth...and now he's going up. Top rope splash - MISSES! (Well, his feet might have clipped Spike, but pretend you didn't see it.) WELL IT'S A BIG HOT TAG! Well it's a big clothesline, well it's a big clothesline, into the ropes, well it's a big boot - Hurricane in to try his chokeslam - Show pounds him away, into the corner, bealed out. Awesome shoved away. Molly off the top - Show catches her and sets her onto the apron - then waggles his finger at her (ha!) Hurricane gets another big boot - but Awesome hits a shouldertackle off the top and Show falls into his corner...where Spike decides to tag himself in, and run right into a powerslam from Awesome - 1, 2, no. Hurricane wants Show again - Show reaches down from the apron and grabs him in a choke, pulling him all the way back up - Awesome with a forearm in the back, again, off the ropes - Awesome in the choke - Hurricane going up top - Show shoves Awesome into the ropes, taking Hurricane off the top, crotch flip (wow!) and out - Awesome back into the choke ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. Dudley on the top rope - Dudley on Show's shoulders - ten story splash!! 1, 2, 3!! (4:10) Hurricane and Molly make their escape, leaving Awesome laying. Give that a replay! Maybe NOW they'll have that big night on the town....naaah

Has everybody voted? One more slip of paper from Tommy Dreamer (hey Tommy, thanks for coming out tonight!) and the tally is collected. Now to tally it! Booker: "I'm gonna do you proud, man. I'm gonna do you proud!"

It's the WWF Live! Tix go on sale Saturday for Cleveland, Portland (ME), Boston for RAW, and Greensboro for Survivor Series!

If we're coming out of an ad break, it must be time for the Stacker 2 Burn of the Week! From RAW, Tazz punks out Maven.

Here's an exterior shot of the Mobile Civic Center - and a fountain

Hey! "SNAKE" STABLER (legendary Oakland Raider) is in the front row!

Here's a Special Video Look at Maven - or, as I like to call him.....well, Maven. Counting the number of times Snow says "charisma" in this piece reminds me that K-Kwik has been released. Wow, I love these long stretches where I don't have to actually relate any happenings 'cause nothing's happening

Maven warms up backstage! He'll wrestle LATER!

Kurt Angle finds Rock and lets him know that he plans on winning tonight and going for his title Monday...and is he cool with that? "Is the Rock cool with that." "Yeah." Rock picks up his belt (hey, there's a "THE ROCK" nameplate on it! Is that new or did I just not notice until now?) and puts it on his shoulder. "Kurt Angle against the Rock for the WCW title? Oh the Rock is cool with that. Hell of a match! Homerun! But...it's not a grand slam. And every time the Rock steps up to the plate...he's swingin' for a grand slam!" "What are you saying, Rock?" "The Rock is saying this: instead of making this the biggest match in the history of RAW, instead of making this the biggest match in the history of the WWF, you and the Rock, we make this the biggest match ever...ever. How so? For the first time...the WCW title on the line...the WWF title on the line. HISTORY will be made - first time...ever. Are you cool with that?" "You know what, Rock - I've been known to hit a few grand slams. I say you and I...we make history." "So there's only one thing left for tonight. The only thing you gotta do is whoop some Alliance (beep)." They shake hands. "Oh, I plan on it, Rock. I'll see you Monday."

Meanwhile, Shane announces that it was a landslide victory. Booker looks at his hand....as Shane announces that it'll be Rob van Dam. Booker isn't too happy - Bubba Ray Dudley (who honestly seemed to think it'd be him for some reason) finally accepts the decision and shakes van Dam's hand. Everybody chants "RVD" except Test (who is egging on Booker) and Booker (who doesn't look to need too much more egging on).

Excess ad - Debra is Saturday's guest!

Wow! I'm watching UPN!

Commentators shill the UPN Tuesday night lineup: Buffy and Roswell

POINTS TO SELF v. KURT ANGLE (with SAP transmitido en espanol) in the most important nontitle match on the face of the earth, the most important match in the history of mankind, and the most important match I have recapped in this paragraph - Angle takes all four corners while van Dam gives a "can you believe the size of this guy's EGO?" face. Earl Hebner is the third man in the ring. Ross wonders aloud how Austin might feel about it being van Dam determining the course of his future. HERE WE GO: Lockup, van Dam grabs the waistlock, standing switch, takeover by van Dam, Angle to the headscissors. van Dam headstand kickout, trying to grab a headlock but Angle squirts free - van Dam flips away - but runs into an armdrag by Angle - Angle ducks a heel kick, van Dam ducks a clothesline - impasse. They let the crowd cheer a bit. We star again - collar and elbow, fireman's carry takeover by Angle but van Dam lands on his feet - leg sweep but Angle jumps over it - Angle grabs a single leg - van Dam tries an enzuigiri; THAT is ducked - Angle to the waistlock, van Dam counters with a body scissors rollup - 1, Angle flips back - 1, 2, van Dam rolls out but Angle holds the waistlock...German suplex! 1, 2, van Dam kicks out and rolls outside. "USA!" After shaking loose the cobwebs, van Dam's back in. Just before going back to the lockup, it's van Dam with a kick - right, right, kick, Ross explains the stipulations for the MILLIONTH TIME SHUT UP, into the ropes, reversed, belly-to-belly overhead suplex by Angle! Right, right, into the ropes, van Dam ducks, Angle hits a clothesline, then tosses him out by the singlet. Angle follows him out - head to the commentary table! ANGLE POINTS TO HIMSELF! Head to the table again - and again. Angle in - Angle out. Right hand, whip into the STEEL steps is reversed...and Angle hits hard. van Dam stomps, stomp, back in...and back out. Angle fires back - right, right, kick, suplex...blocked, and van Dam gives Angle a front suplex onto the commentary table! Kick to the head by van Dam - he's heading onto the apron - point to self - spinning guillotine! Hebner makes a strange signal here, crossing his arms in an "X"...everybody back in - van Dam covers - 1, 2, no. HOLY CRAP Angle's chin is bleeding like a stuck pig. van Dam kick, kick, kick - looking for the cut every time. Angle manages to switch positions, however - right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, but van dam gets the elbow up - second rope and ANOTHER kick to the jaw. Off the ropes, rolling thunder MISSES - Angle grabs the ankle! But van Dam kicks him away before he can grab the anklelock. van Dam with a big clothesline. Stomp. Knee in the back, choke on the bottom rope. Hebner to 4, van Dam relents. Yikes, lookit all the BLUD. Stomp by van Dam, stomp, standing on the neck. "USA" chant. Right, Angle chops back, chop, chop, chop, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, reversal, shoulder in the gut but by van Dam, shoulder, backflip, shoulder. Spinning guillotine to the back of the head - leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO! van Dam stomps the head. Right hand. Snapmares him over - to the headlock. Angle tries to reach back and doesn't find anything to grab. Crowd comes alive - Angle comes back to his feet - elbow, elbow, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Angle ducks the clothesline - Angle with a belly-to-back overhead throw! van Dam tries to reverse a whip - but Angle pulls him back into a belly-to-belly! Gutshot, DDT!! DOWN COME THE STRAPS! Angle is ready - waiting for van Dam to get up - OLYMPIC SLAM NOOO VAN DAM LANDS ON HIS FEET - and ANOTHER heel kick connects with Angle's chin. van Dam sess him opportunity - vaults to the top - Fivestar frog splash - MISSES!! Angle up and under him - OLYMPIC SLAM!! Cover, leg is hooked - 1 - 2 - NICK PATRICK pulls Hebner out of the ring. Well, SHEEEEIT. Right handputs Hebner down. And now MIKE CHIODA is out and the chase is on - man, this feud is WHITE HOT, folks. Out through the crowd to the back - meanwhile, Angle watches all this until van Dam is ready to get back up - another heel kick - but Angle catches it, and puts van Dam in the ANGLELOCK! VAN DAM TAPS!!! Oh, but there's still no referees, this means that SHANO can come out and leave his feet on the chairshot - because Shane CAN'T do a move without leaving his feet, you see - SHEEEEIT 2. van Dam finds Angle laid out, and dutifully hooks a leg - Hebner is back in - 1, 2, 3. Angle kicks out...but the bell has already sounded. (8:59) Here's a replay of van Dam tapping with much vigor...and Shane with his "I must leave my feet" flying chairshot. Jesus Christ. Wow, Angle is bleeding something fierce here. Angle leaves the ring to go after Shane - too late again. TEAM W/ECW empties their lockerroom to hoist van Dam on their shoulders. van Dam DOES manage to point to himself. Hmm, I wonder if Austin will actually show up on Monday....

Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2 - again

Torrie Wilson gets RAW! (Buy RAW Magazine)

Moments Ago, Shane sucks. Then - YES! - van Dam pointed to himself!

TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (with SmackDown! is brought to you by Whacko Tobacco, "The Mummy Returns" - check out the wwf.com sweepstakes, and Clearasil for zits!) v. WELL, MAVEN - Maven, who comes out to Saliva (get it on the Tough Enough soundtrack) is decked out in sweat pants and regular shoes - he hasn't had time to buy tights and boots yet, see. Here we go - lockup, to the corner, Tazz with a forearm in the mush. "Maven" chant. Tazz wants him to bring it - lockup, to the opposite corner - Maven ducks the next forearm shot and lands one of his own. Maven back to the centre asking him to come on. Lockup, side headlock by Tazz, takeover, 1, Maven headscissors, everybody back up - Tazz with a drop toehold, then stands over his back slapping the back of his head. "Get up!" Maven gets up - Tazz slaps the taste out of his mouth. To the corner, kick, kick, open-handed slap, slap, slap. Booker T takes on Kane next! Tazz putting on the badmouth - Maven slaps HIM back! WOW WHAT A DROPKICK! Second one wasn't as good, but still okay. Maven with a sleeper...Tazz snapmares him over. T-bone Tazzplex. Got his neck on the bottom rope - standing over him and unleashing the forearms across his face. Into the ropes, reversal by Maven, Tazz ducks the clothesline - TAZZMISSION. Good night. Total "Wrestling Challenge" squash - and probably the right way to go. (2:00) We'll see what they decide to do with Nidia. Tazz helps Maven up - will they shake hands? Tazz raises his arm! Then he CLOTHESLINES the hell out of him! Tazz cracking up - me too. Tazz tosses him through the ropes - play his music again!

Did you hear the break in his music? This is probably post-production since they now need a bloody Kurt Angle to react to Jonathan Coachman. He's a little (beeped) off at Shane McMahon right now, but he's looking forward to Monday now. "I won an Olympic Gold Medal with a broken freakin' neck! You think I'm worried about Austin? I *want* Austin! And I want him Monday night! Because the way I'm feel right now, I want to take Shane McMahon's precious leader, and beat him so badly that the next time Austin takes a little 'vacation...' I'm gonna make sure that he NEVER comes back again."

Yes! You ARE watching SmackDown! on UPN

"Please. Don't try this at home." PSA

TONIGHT: Stacy Wilson and Torrie Wilson in a bikini contest!

Can you imagine the skill and drama it takes for Torrie Wilson to deliver these line? "Okay, Tajiri - is THIS bikini okay? Tajiri, I am SO looking forward to this tonight! You do not even know." No.....you don't

KANE v. NAPPY T - Both men have something to prove. For Booker T, it's that he didn't deserve the snub in the vote to determine Angle's opponent. For Kane, it's that he can actually come out and wrestle a singles match despite having fallen off the Atkins diet wagon. Lockup, to the corner, Booker ducks the swing, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, referee "Blind" Teddy Long pulls him off. Into the opposite corner, Kane grabs him coming out and switches it around - T in the corner, Kane right, left, right, left, right. Into the opposite corner, clothesline as he comes out. Scoop...and a slam. Kane runs the ropes, elbowdrop, off the ropes, elbowdrop. Off the ropes, legdrop. 1, 2, T kicks out. Still to come: RASSLIN' REFS!! Vertical suplex from Kane. Right hand. T tries to pull Kane into a sidekick but Kane ducks - there's a clothesline. Kane picks him back up - right hand. Kick in the gut, uppercut, into the ropes, T ducks the big boot and hits a flying jalapeno off the ropes. T with an elbow, elbow, elbow, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, Kane picks him up ...sidewalk slam down. Kane going up...flying clothesline - NO, T with the Harlem sidekick! 1, 2, Kane lifts the shoulder. T on the attack: stomp, stomp, stomp. Subway Replay of the kick. 1, 2, no. T asks Long to tell him he just didn't stop at 2. Still on the attack - right, right, gutshot, kick to the head, forearm in the back. Regal will have a statement coming up. Blatant choke. Trying to whip Kane but he hangs onto the rope - right hand, Kane fires back with a punch of his own. T right, Kane right. Kane right, right, into the ropes, head down, kick by T....Kane with a clothesline. T's head hits the buckle. Right. Into the opposite corner, follow clothesline. Into the ropes, big boot by Kane. Into the corner...but T gets the shoulder up. But T walks into a powerslam. Kane goes up top again...THIS time, the flying clothesline finds the mark. Clothesline puts T outside - and Kane follows. This is breaking down here - T's head hits the post. RUNIN RUNIN THIS IS A RUNIN - Wotsitolla Boot connects out on the floor. Test rolls Kane back in - T off the ropes, axe kick lands - 1, 2, 3. (5:51) Ross: "Well I'll be damned." Test hits the ring and it's a doubleteam on Kane...until TAKER comes out to save the day. Rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin'... replay of Test emerging from the crowd to uncork his boot.

Regal thoughtfully taps pen to paper. He'll be speaking...pretty soon!

Where is the WWF going to be, you ask? Why, on Saturday they'll be in Bethlehem, Sunday it's St. Paul, Monday is RAW in Indy, and Moline hosts live action Tuesday!

Want the first season of Tough Enough on video or DVD? Why didn't you tape it for free when it was airing, you knucklehead? NOW you gotta pony up the dough and call this number!

Yikes - Page is breathing so we all can hear him again! "Have you done your YOGA today? I'll be you're feeing pretty damn good about yourself. I know I'M feeling pretty damn good about myself. Because helping you is a positive thing. Take my friend Tony, for example. The other day his cat got ran over by a car - but wait - that's not a bad thing; that's a good thing. You see, his wife was allergic to the cat, and that cat's death actually saved their marriage. When I explained to my friend Tony the positive side of the sitution, he immediately understood that that cat being dead was a good thing. So look at the positive side of every situation, and you'll see, just like me, that DDP, I like me, you like me, and I'm going to help you like you." Ross: "The hell you say." Me: "Is 'Tony' Schiavone?"

LILIAN GARCIA stands with the Dudley Boyz and Nick Patrick - Monday, Rock defeated both of them, so what hope do they have when they team with...Nick Patrick? Patrick takes umbrage. "What, do you got a problem with that?" Bubba Ray calls Lilian a waste of oxygen, then says that superbombing Angle through a table was the greatest thing ever...except for maybe rambling into a long advertisement for RAW and Steve Austin's return. D-Von attempts to bring it back to them by promising that Rock and Jericho will find themselves on the wrong end of a Dudleyville ass kicking. Patrick promises that Chioda will find out he made the biggest mistake of his life when he put his hands on the head WCW official, and that "putting him down is gonna be as easy as counting...1, 2, 3." "Oh my brother, testify."

Now we cut to Regal. "It is my duty as the WWF Commissioner to indeed sanction a match this Monday night on RAW that will pit Stone Cold Steve Austin against Kurt Angle for the WWF Championship. It is also my duty to inform ANY member of the Alliance, any owner of the Alliance, or anybody remotely associated with the Alliance, that they will not be allowed at ringside; in fact, they are all barred from ringside. We will find out Monday night on RAW who the better man is - in fact, we will find out exactly who the WWF Champion will be." So Paul Heyman is barred from ringside?

Stacy Keibler wears a robe - and she is WALKING!

Hey look, they've already prepared a RAW ad hyping Austin and Angle. HMMMMMMM

JONATHAN COACHMAN is in the ring to MC the bikini contest. Here's TORRIE SAMUDA. Here's STACY KEIBLER. Coachman reminds them that since they requested this matchup, they should keep it peaceful and professional. They play Sunny's music as they strip - is it just me, or did they deliberately find a nonflattering bikini for Stacy in order to make sure Torrie'd win? Not that there was gonna be a problem - the girl with the bigger tits ALWAYS wins, right? Anyway, the crowd is louder for Torrie - go figure - and Coachman declares her the winner - so Stacy forearms her in the back, then chokes her out with the robe - ROBEMARE! A second snapmare with the robe. "Ladies, ladies, ladies!" Stacy slaps Coach silly - probably ruining his equilibrium for six weeks (or until it stops being funny to write into the plotlines). TAJIRI is out to save Torrie - but Stacy's already gone. Play her music!

UP NEXT: That big six man match! Or, more accurately...that big four man and two ref match

"Kurt Angle: It's True! It's True!" ad

Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2 again - again - what an awful ad this is. I'm so tired of seeing it. YOU'RE tired of READING about it. Right? We agree!

You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN! Man, they need to take out the shots where Edge & Christian are buddies....don't they?

The graphic don't lie (or does it?) - Stone Cold takes on Kurt Angle for the WWF Championship this Monday on RAW! Heyman: "This ain't no hype - it's the biggest RAW in history!" Hmmm.

DUDLEY BOYZ & NICK PATRICK (with Subway presents No Mercy on the 21st!) v. MIKE CHIODA (no music) and CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO and THE ROCK - hey, did you know Nick Patrick is the son of the Masked Assassin? (Yeah, I told you that actually.) I'm sure I could explain how exactly this match came about, but......let's face it, when I'm this late I only get about 20% of my normal hits anyway, so why overexert my brain? Still, I WILL evoke some nostalgia by reminding long-time WWF viewers that back about ten years ago, Chioda was pro wrestling's KING FROSTED MULLET and man *those* were they days, weren't they? Hey, go back and check the tapes if you don't believe me. Jericho and D-Von tie it up - Dudley with a side headlock. Jericho to the ropes, powering out, shoulderblock by Dudley. Up and over, Jericho leapfrog, Jericho flying jalapeno! Knee, knee, knee, forearm, chop, chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed and D-Von puts Jericho over the ropes - but he lands on the apron, so he climbs to the top and comes down with a super elbow that staggers Dudley - over to the Rock for a right, Jericho right, *Chioda* right (!), Jericho with an enzuigiri, cover - 1, 2, no. Tag to Rock for the open shot, right, right, into the ropes, belly-to-belly throw, leg is hooked, 2. D-Von to the eyes to turn it around - tag to Bubba Ray for the open shot. Right, open-handed slap, Rock blocks and switches positions - right, right, right, whip is reversed, but Rock pops out with a clothesline. Free shot for D-Von. Bubba Ray's head to the buckle, tag to Jericho. Forearm, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Chop. Chop. Into the opposite corner is reversed, Jericho hits sternum first - Dudley with a forearm in the back. Looking for the suplex but Jericho lands on his feet - Jericho with a death suplex - leg is hooked - 1, 2, Patrick breaks it up...which brings in Chioda...the chase is on! Patrick in - Chioda doesn't catch him, but Patrick ends up at the feet of Jericho, so HE grabs him - Walls of Jericho! but Bubba Ray clocks him i nthe back of the head to break it up. Scoop...and a slam. D-Von adds a headbutt to the graun. "Who's the man?" Testify dance. Cover - 1, 2, no. You know, I don't think D-Von ever tagged in...oh well. Right. Right, right, right, right, right, right. (I think I got 'em all.) Crowd chanting "Rock E" - or maybe "Chioda," it's hard to tell. Jericho taken to the corner - tag to Bubba Ray and Patrick instinctively claps his hands to acknowledge it. Bubba Ray twists Jericho into a neckbreaker. "C'mon, Jericho! Get up!" Another big neckbreaker by Bubba Ray Dudley - leg is hooked - 1, 2, Jericho gets the shoulder up. Overhand right, "you wanna piece of him, Nick?" Right hand again. Tag to Patrick! This lifelong blood feud CONTINUES!! Patrick stomp, stomp, kick, kick, Jericho turns Patrick's way so he runs back to his corner and tags out. Hey, you know what this match REALLY needs? RIGHT! Teddy Long coming out and tying one of Jericho's hands behind his back! AND Scott Dickenson holding a dress! D-Von back in with a right hand, snapmare, headlock. Jericho tries to fight back to his feet - "Y2J" chant helps - elbow, elbow, chop, chop, into the ropes, reversal, but Jericho hits a rollup for 2. Jericho walks into a wicked powerslam by D-Von - HE gets 2. Patrick: "That was 3." Tag to Bubba Ray. Into the ropes, ten story double flapjack. Bubba Ray going to the second rope - NOOOOO THAT NEVER WORKS DON'T DO IT - sure enough, Jericho pops up and punches him in mid-pose - Frankensteiner! (Oh so THAT'S why he climbed up there - very nice.) While both men are down, Patrick decides to circle the ring and yank Chioda off the apron, popping him with a right hand. Rock halfheartedly makes a move towards Patrick - but it's not like he's gonna SAVE A REF or nothin'. Patrick runs back to his corner just in case. D-Von pulls Jericho away from Rock - he's getting too close to that tag. Bubba Ray shoves Rock off the apron to boot. Bubba Ray with a snapmare for Jericho...wow, it's a reverse headlock but also a seated abdominal stretch! Go ON, big Bubba! Jericho staves that off, so Dudley drops an elbow on him. Another quick elbowdrop. Double sledge to the heart - 1, 2, NO! Right hand. Bubba Ray goes to the second rope again NOOOOOOO THAT SENTON NEVER LANDS DON'T ohh he tried it. And he missed. Again. Both men are down - referee "Blind" Tim White puts on the count...at five, D-Von gets the tag. HOT TAG TO THE ROCK!! Rock right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Rock with a flying clothesline. Bubba Ray comes back in - HE gets a block, right, right, whip is reversed, gutshot, DDT, nips up, spinebuster for D-Von, block Bubba Ray, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and Bubba Ray sails outside. Jericho with a springboard forearm that takes D-Von off the apron to the floor. Rock looks to the corner...and sees one man left. Patrick makes a great face. Rock brings him in the hard way...Patrick rolls outside and decides to take a hike. But as soon as he hits the ramp, EARL HEBNER runs out and delivers him back to the Rock. Patrick tries in vain to point to the patch on his shirt - no dice. Chioda is itchin' for a tag - AND GETS IT! (Umm, Patrick never tagged in - is this LUCHA rules or WHAT?) Chioda with a SPEAR! Right, right, right, right, right, right, rips off the shirt (NO!!), kick, kick, stomp, stomp, tosses the shirt on him....you know, I don't think White is working too hard to keep Chioda from all this cheating! Bubba Ray in with a big-time clothesline on Bubba Ray - Jericho in with a bulldog on HIM - Rock adds a spinebuster - Rock laying in wait - Patrick up - ROCK BOTTOM!! Jericho with a Lionsault! They call over Chioda, who crawls with all his might...but before he covers, Rock catches his arm and helps him up. Rock giving directions....oh no. Ladies and gentlemen, as Chioda kicks Patrick's arms to his sides, runs the ropes, runs the ropes, and - yes - delivers the second-most electrifying move in sports entertainment today - the Zebra's Elbow. Psst, Nick Patrick isn't the legal man - 1, 2, 3. Oh well. (10:36) Hey, you know what this was? This was like a house show dark match main event....except this time, it happened to be the SmackDown! main event. W-E-I-R-D.

One more look at the RAW graphic. You think they're pinning a lot of hopes and dreams on this main event? Heck, I STILL don't think Austin's gonna show!

CRZ
[slash] wrestling