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I GET LETTERS: Jon Doe (you think that's his real name?) writes: Hey, I've been a long time reader, when Wrestlemaniacs was still independent from Wrestleline. I'm just e-mailing you because you didn't point out in your Raw recap that after the Hardy Boyz won the titles, they kissed. Now, I know Jeff is gay, but I didn't think Matt was too. I think what's worse is that they are incestuous too. It must be a Carolina thang. This doesn't bode well in disproving that wrestling fans are inbred hicks.

Oh, and I just want to say that I'm glad you are keeping your article title names to CRZ instead of Christopher Robin Zimmerman, like you had at Wrestlemaniacs, because the Christopher Robin part reminds me of Winnie the Poo.

Pooh, Jon! There's nothing wrong with the bear - he's a close personal friend of mine! Unfortunately, I seem to have misplaced the pictures to prove it. Oh, bother.

As for the other thing.....well, I ain't touchin' THAT with a ten foot pole. I mean, a straight pole. No, wait...

SPECIAL THANKS: Mad props to Alex T. from St Andrews (which we have hashed out is NOT in Scotland - I think), John Spykerman, Goetz, Jerell Price, and probably a few others I may have missed for offering their expertise in der Deutsche language on my behalf. Special thanks go to Marc Wyman because I'm still talking to him....and need to write him back pretty soon.

MORE PROPS: To Jon Davis and Bill for thinking of me when they sent me the link to that story in THE ONION. I'm not sure WHY I didn't use it...hey! I'll do it now! Click here now - or later!

YOU WANT PROPS? Write me a letter. Go on!


AWARDS: Stop asking me! I'll start on them on MONDAY! (Monday's tomorrow, you know.) Aw SHIT....

NON-RHETORICAL QUESTION: By now you've seen the posting for "On-Air Talent" at WWFE. I was thinking.....MAYBE it's crazy, but hey, should I go out for it? I mean, why *shouldn't* I go out for it? Now I know that granted, my television experience has been limited to six years of live call-in on public access....and about Star Trek, but I mean that's *almost* JUST LIKE sports play-by-play - right? And heck, isn't getting a math degree JUST LIKE earning a journalism degree? And SO WHAT if, although I have been called "telegenic," the truth is that actually I'm butt ugly - I mean come on, have you seen some of the OTHER "on-air talent?" I'm READY! Let's MOVE out of the Silicon Valley, and with a lower rent to pay, I could handle the inevitable pay cut that would come with working for the WWF! Yeah! Psyched, I am!


Perhaps the REAL question is.....would any of you like to be listed as one of my references?

Let's see, I've got Rick junior high journalism teacher....I wonder if Ron and Fez would mind....I wonder if Ron and Fez remember who I am....I should put down Jim Ross - we shook hands once, and I think that means we're almost best friends - besides, his son frequently contributes to [slash] wrestling....

Also, what the heck is a composite photo? I don't think that means what I think it means...

I hope Jerry Lawler isn't applying. He'd probably get it over me.

STOP WRITING THE INTRO AND GET TO THE DAMN SHOW ALREADY: Just a final cryptic comment before we get underway - I'm about to do something on my site that I NEVER thought I'd do - but he assures me that I won't regret giving him a forum here on and I'm going to take him at his word. You'll find out all about this on the 23rd of October - and the fact that it's a Tuesday is NOT a coincidence.

Network - Day!

TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Here's a Special Video Look at Why Regal Why? not to mention the most important main event in the history of the previous RAW recap - about three minutes

Opening Credits are Beautiful, People

I WANNA BE SO PYYYYYYYYRO - the big fist comes right atcha from the Mark of the Quad in Moline, IL - we are SAP transmitido en espanol on UPN and the Score! Cole proclaims it "perhaps the biggest screwjob in WWF history" and the ratings don't lie - it's 11.10.1 (taped 9.10) and it's a great night for the Alliance...

...because they're out first. Here Come De Money, SHANE CAN'T leads STEPHANIE CAN'T EITHER to the ring. Settle in. "Well I know you don't hear this expression often, but life is great! And life just got a little bit better last Monday night, and why? Because Stone Cold Steve Austin became the World Wrestling Federation Champion once again! Right here In This Very Ring, Austin defeated Kurt Angle 1 - 2 - 3 yeah! And by doing so has put the Alliance right back on top. The most dominant force in sports entertainment today - oh, hell yeah!" "You know...last Monday night...last Monday night, I felt pretty great. And nothing any one of you says can get me down tonight, because after Stone Cold's victory I feel UNBELIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVABLE! You know, Stone Cold winning the WWF Championship back from Kurt Angle only goes to show what truly great people are capable of, and that's what the Alliance is all about - truly great people. So with that, allow me to introduce you to the newest member of the Alliance, the WWF COMMISSIONER WILLIAM REGAL!" And here he is. "Shane, Stephanie - as you both know, it is my duty as the WWF Commissioner..." "asshole" chant is drowned out in post-production to protect our virgin ears " uphold the virtues of honesty, fairness and integrity. It is my responsibility to see that the WWF title is around the waist of someone who is representative of everything that a chompion should be - strong, virtuous and courageous. But unfortunately, the WWF didn't have anyone to fit that description - but the Alliance, I'm happy to say, most certainly does. I am very proud to introduce to you...a man that personifies everything that a champion should be. Ladies and gentlemen - the World Wrestling Federation champion - STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN." I wonder who *Austin* is gonna introduce. Is Regal saying that he HIMSELF couldn't fit that description? I guess so. MRS. AUSTIN is right behind her husband. Austin hits all four corners and lets everybody know he's carrying a belt. Well, we haven't heard from the man in almost three weeks - let's hope he's still awesome: "Ahem! Ahem! AHEM!" Yep, he's still awesome. Austin lowers the mic - HAHAHA "Hold it - hold it, allow me to speak....excuse me....I'm very emotional tonight. What? I said I'm very emotional tonight. I wanna thank everybody in this arena tonight...and I wanna thank everybody around the world for their support in my journey back to the World Wrestling Federation championship! Last Monday night, In This Very Ring, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN what? Stone Cold Steve Austin beat Kurt Angle in this ring - 1, 2, 3. And I felt the excitement - I felt the excitement of millions and millions of Americanscoursing through the veins of my body and it felt good! So I had a long speech all written up, had a long written up speech to thank everybody, but I decided I would make it kinda short and sweet and change it to two words, what? I said I would change it to two words, and those two words are 'it's over.' Kurt Angle, I know you're here tonight, and you're thinking to yourself, 'Stone Cold Steve Austin, I deserve a rematch,' and my reply to you is 'It's over, what? It's over, what? It's over, what? IT'S OVER IT'S OVER IT'S OVER IT'S OVER IT'S OVER IT'S OVER IT'S OVER I WILL NEVER, EVER LET YOU DO THIS TO ME--" Oh oh - "WrestleMania" is playing and ANNE ROBINSON - SORRY, LINDA McMAHON - THE JACKET THREW ME OFF is out. "Stone Cold Steve Austin. Let me suggest to you, Stone Cold: it's far from over. As a matter of fact, Stone Cold, tonight marks a whole new beginning. And William Regal, I'm gonna begin with you. As of this very minute, your services as the Commissioner of the World Wrestling Federation are no longer required. be more blunt, to be perfectly blunt with you, so there's no mistake, you're fired!" "You can't fire him!" "I just *did* fire him, Stone Cold. Now, there are other announcements to be made tonight...but I'm gonna allow the NEW WWF Commissioner to make those announcements...and Stone Cold, listen closely, Stone Cold, as I remind you that as the World Wrestling Federation champion, your activities and your championship matches are *governed* by the World Wrestling Federation commissioner. And you know, Stone Cold, something it'll do you well to remember: as old expressions go, when you live by the sword, you DIE by the sword, it's's...true!" KURT ANGLE emerges from behind, from the crowd, hits the ring...and Austin ducks out as quick as he can. Shane eats a clothesline to go outside and hit the floor. Regal bowled over - Angle assumes the "hockey fight" position, pulling his jacket over his head and wailing away. Austin in to try to save him...Angle goes for him again - Austin takes off - but Angle has the ankle...but Austin wriggles free! Austin delivers a stomp on his way out. Shane in with a chair - Angle stops HIM short - belly-to-belly overhead suplex! Angle grabs the chair - the ring clears. Play his music! Is he the new WWF commissioner? (Prob'ly not.)

Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2 - some other guy stands next to her

Moments Ago, Linda brightened all our nights

Backstage, Regal is unhappy to Shane & Stephanie - he's never been fired before (ha), much less in public! "What kind of a bloody mother do you have?" Stephanie offers "you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your parents." Shane wonders who the new commissioner is - and what other announcements are gonna be made tonight. Then he DOESN'T look directly into the camera and say "stay tuned to find out - TONIGHT - ON SMACKDOWN!" but I think he WANTED to.

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: DUDLEY BOYZ (with Stacy Dudley - and Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW & SPIKE DUDLEY - Torrie is off recuperating, and Tajiri is off watching her - so don't look for them tonight. You know what, if I hadn't been told about the "CRZ IS WALKING" sign out in the crowd during this entrance, I probably would have completely missed it myself! HEY HYATTE WHERE ARE YOUR SIGNS NOW? Sorry, I always wanted to do that. Bubba Ray attacks Show from behind and we're on - forearm in the back, forearm, forearm, right, left, right, into the ropes, reversed, well it's a big hiptoss. Well it's a big clothesline. Well it's a big scoop slam. Well it's a big elbowdrop misses, tag to D-Von. Forearms by Bubba Ray - into the ropes - well it's a big double clothesline. Bubba Ray is tossed. Well it's a big headbutt and D-Von goes out. Tag to Spike - Show presses him over the top and into a plancha onto his half- brothers! Spike beats his chest and rolls D-Von back in. Let's take a Subway Replay as Spike stays in control - D-Von into the ropes, running forearm smash. Neckbreaker. 1, 2, D-Von kicks out. Sent into the corner - D-Von dumps him over the top. Spike tries an apron-run clothesline but D-Von ducks - and Spike stops in his tracks as Stacy is right in front of him, bending over to tie her boots, leading Spike to an eyeful of booty - until D-Von clocks him in the head, dumping him onto the floor. Bubba Ray tosses him back in as referee "Blind" Teddy Long tries to get Stacy back to ringside. D-Von stomps away - stomp. Right hand. Right. Right, right, right, right, right, right - Long gets him to stop. Tag to Bubba Ray - held open for the (wait for it) right. Overhand right puts Spike down. Bubba Ray laying in the badmouth - Spike comes back - forearm, forearm, forearm, off the ropes, ducks a clothesline from Bubba Ray, but Bubba Ray doesn't miss the press and drop next time by. Free shot for Show to put him on the floor - turning Long's back for the "headbutt to the graun" spot. D-Von stays in without a tag and does the testify dance. Right hand. Right, "who's da man?" Spike ducks the next one, switch positions in the corner, forearm, forearm, forearm, into the opposite corner is reversed and Spike hits it like a brick wall. Give it a Subway Replay! Stomp by D-Von. Tag to Bubba Ray - held open for the double sledge. Into the ropes, but Spike comes off with a battering ram headbutt! Sunset flip - no - but he's out of the way as Bubba Ray attempts the big butt drop - nothing but mat! Spike off the ropes - Bubba Ray with a monkey flip counter - nice. Bubba Ray going to the second rope - NO NO DON'T...oh, the senton misses. I am *surprised*. Will Show get the tag? He sure wants it! Tag to D-Von - HOT TAG TO THE SHOW! Well it's a big clothesline! Well it's a big clothesline! Into the ropes - well it's a big boot! Bubba Ray comes in - HE gets a half chokeslam, half uranage, half spinebuster. D-Von walks into a big sidewalk slam. Tag to Spike - Spike on the shoulders - ten story splash!! 1, 2, Bubba Ray puts D-Von's foot on the rope. Spike with a forearm shot as Show runs after Bubba Ray - and ends up avalanching the post instead. Oops. Knee by Spike - into the ropes is reversed and you know what's next - 3D (Dudley Death Drop). D-Von covers - 1, 2, 3. Champs retain. (5:22) Show forearms D-Von from behind, but Bubba Ray delivers a belt show to put HIM down. A table is found and placed at the base of the ramp - Spike into the ropes - HOLY SHIT super flapjack over the top rope DOWN to the floor THROUGH the table - he had to fly about twelve feet forward and ten feet down. Give it a replay - two angles - amazing. A TRAINER & EMTs are out...this may take an ad break.

WWF Home Video ad

Commentators hype Buffy & Roswell - the way the ratings are going, they're going to need BUFFY to hype THEM

DDP's smiling face is looking back at me! "It's ME! D D P! And I have a very special message for a very special person. Kurt Angle. Ya know Kurt, your losing the WWF CHampionship to Stone Cold Steve Austin on RAW - it wasn't a bad thing, it was a good thing! Why? Because Kurt, YOU learned a valuable lesson - you learned that sometimes you have to lose things to realise just how valuable they really are. And now that you've lost the WWF Championship, you realise that nothing is more important to you than that. And when you're not the WWF Champion, you feel like a NOBODY. A NOTHING. A LOOOOOOOOOSER. But Kurt! You're not a nobody - you're a SOMEBODY. And even if you're not the WWF Champion, people still like you - I mean, *I* like you. I know YOU like ME. And I just you."

Hey! It's the Marquee of the Quad!

Here's a Special Video Look at Rock and Chris Jericho - partners - rivals - two wrestlers bound by a single set of clips tinted in various hues

Earlier Today, Rock and Jericho had a discussion - amazingly, just OUT of range of the hearing of our intrepid WWF cameraman. From their hand motions, however, it appears they've patched things up...for now.

In the Room of Fun, Debra tries to calm down her husband: "Steve, you've just gotta calm down, just settle down. I've won the match - you're the champion!" "I know I'm the champion, Debra, but I'm out there trying to celebrate, and I get jumped by Kurt Angle! I don't deserve that! I'M A HUMAN BEING!" There's a knock. "Come in!" It's Shane & Stephanie. "Umm....sorry for interrupting, but..Shane and I have a great idea." "You do?" "Yes. Austin, you believe in leadership by example. So, Shane and I felt you'd wanna reward one of your own. Shane and I think that that person is RVD - because, after all, if RVD didn't defeat Angle last week, you wouldn't have even had your championship match on Monday." "So - so check this out, all right? We already have the World Wrestling Federation championship back here where it belongs, back her in the Alliance, right (taps belt) across your shoulder--" "Easy." "...all we need now is the WCW Championship to come back to the Alliace - so we're thinking, Points to Self versus the Rock - that way RVD brings the gold home for us - for the Alliance." "I can see your psychology, I can see what you're trying to do there but NO! What? I said no. Why you gotta hand the Rock to RVD? The Rock is something special. You wanna reward that guy, go ahead and reward him.....but don't give him the Rock. Make him work for it. Make him earn his stripes man. Make him work like Stone Cold Steve Austin did. (to Debra) Did anybody ever give me anything?" "No." "Did I work for everything?" "Everything." "You heard her! You wanna give that man a match, give him a match, but the winner of that match goes on to the Rock." "Okay, I see where you're coming from. Earn the stripes. You gotta EARN it - you gotta EARN things in this lifetime." "Right!" "Perfect. Chris Jericho. Tonight, versus RVD. The winner of that match takes on the Rock at No Mercy! That'd be perfect, 'cause..." Stephanie: "Why Jericho? Not Jericho, no! No!" "Listen, Steph. RVD continually humiliates Chris Jericho. Don't you get that? It's a win/win! You understand? That way he's EARNING his stripes, and..." "Chris Jericho gets HUMILIATED once again! Okay." "That makes sense to me." "Thank you. You know, you're always such a teacher, Austin. Thank you." "No, you guys...had a good idea. Go ahead and reward the kid." Shane points to himself. "I hate when he does that."

"Please. Don't Try This At Home" PSA

WWF SmackDown! returns in a moment on UPN!

Nothing beats the experience of the WWF LIVE! Tix on sale Saturday for Albany for SmackDown!, Charlotte for RAW, Fayetteville for SmackDown!, Daytona and Lakeland!

Edge chats with Jericho in the locker room for our benefit: "Man, you have a hell of an opportunity tonight. You and RVD - the winner of the match gets a title shot against the Rock at No Mercy. I gotta know, are you up for it?" "Am I up for it? You're damn right I'm up for it! And tonight, I am going to beat RVD - and at No Mercy, I'm going to beat the Rock and become WCW Champion." "That's what I like to hear. And speaking of the everything cool with you and the People's Champion after Monday night? What happened?" "It was a lack of communication, it was a misunderstanding - everything is fine with myself and the Rock, it's not a problem, and speaking of problems, you gotta take care of your little problem of CHRIS-TIAN!! You gotta win that IC title back. Ladder matches are tough, you can do it though." "Yeah, I think I can." "I know you can." "Good luck." Off walks walks Stephanie to do her Newman impersonation. "I know you're comfortable in the men's locker room, Steph, but do you ever knock?" Stephanie asks Jericho if he thinks he's really got a shot tonight, seeing as his track record seems to indicate he always loses the big ones. "If anybody knows about big ones,'s you." Stephanie takes a while to get it. Get it?

WCW CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: BILLY KIDMAN - YES, BILLY KIDMAN v. X-PAC - Feeling out process to start - finally, they lock up. Waistlock by Kidman, standing switch, back elbow by Kidman. Off the ropes, shoulderblock by Kidman, up and over, leapfrog by X-Pac, headscissors off the ropes by Kidman. Into the ropes is reversed, X-Pac tries a backdrop but Kidman whips off a Frankensteiner for 2. X-Pac senst into the ropes - he goes up and over, grabs Kidman and rams him into the corner...and out to the floor. X-Pac runs the ropes - dropkick THROUGH the ropes connects. Knife-edge chop. Chop. Subway replay of the dropkick as Kidman is rolled back in - 'Pac climbing to the top - superlegdrop finds the mark...but Kidman kicks out at 2. Hit the headlock. Kidman fights back...he's up - back elbow, elbow, elbow breaks it - off the ropes, but 'Pac hits a spinning heel kick right on the jaw. 'Pac is taking a while climbing to the the ropes - Kidman with a midair dropkick! Both men are down. Referee "Blind" Chad Patton puts on the count in this WCW title match - wait a minute, Patton is a WWF....whatever. Both men up around the same time - Kidman ducks the clothesline, and hits the jumping back elbow. Clothesline. X-Pac catches the kick - and catches the enzuigiri in his head - 1, 2, no! Into the ropes is reversed by X-Pac, but Kidman slides under - short powerbomb puts him down. Kidman drags him to the corner and climbs up - but X-Pac is up early and crotches him on top. X-Pac with a foot on the throat - the skip - the broncobuster. Up to the second rope to pose - Kidman powerbombs him down! 1, 2, NO! He should have put his feet on the ropes. Kidman runs for the tornado bulldog...but 'Pac leaves him at the altar - gutshot, X Factor - 1, 2, NOOO foot on the rope!! X-Pac - OH GOOD LORD he's going for a powerbomb - YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN! You'd think he'd know that. Kidman covers - 1, 2, KICKOUT!! X-Pac with a rake of the face, backslide, feet on the ropes - 1, 2, NO!! Into the corner is reversed, but X-Pac gets the elbow up - X-Pac up top - Kidman meets him - "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" by Kidman - Kidman backs up to the corner - YIKES - let's call it a "sitout facefirst reverse crucifix powerbomb" and hope nobody notices - Kidman sits down and grabs a leg - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new cruiserweight champion. (4:44) I guess X-Pac won't be joining the Alliance after all.

Shane delivers the pep talk to van Dam. van Dam says "Cool." Then he points to himself.

UP NEXT: Rob van Dam vs. Chris Jericho - a WCW title shot is on the line!

Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2 - again

You're watching UPN

And now, the Whack of the Night, presented by Lorillard Tobacco Company's Youth Smoking Prevention Program - tobacco is whacko (if you're a teen) - from Earlier Tonight, Spike took a stretcher ride thanks to the Dudley Boyz. Apparently, the preliminary diagnosis is: bruised ribs and a concussion

CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO with TV-PG-DLV ratings box - and Subway presents No Mercy in ten days!) & v. POINTS TO SELF (with SAP - transmitido en espanol - and MSG matinee house show hype) in a nontitle match for a shot at the WCW Championship at No Mercy - HERE WE GO: Lockup, tussling to the corner - referee "Blind" Earl Hebner brings the break. Jericho with a chop, van Dam with an elbow, kick, kick, catches Jericho's kick, goes for a kick of his own but Jericho lands an enzuigiri. Into the ropes, back elbow by Jericho. van Dam with a monkey flip. Superkick. Kick, elbow, elbow, into the opposite corner, Jericho dumps him onto the apron, forearm, head to the buckle...springboard plancha attempted but van Dam ducks and Jericho sails to the floor! van Dam with a Fivestar frog splash from the apron to the floor! Jericho rolled back in as we take the Subway Replay. van Dam up top - thrust kick finds the mark! van Dam covers - 1, 2, kickout! Stomp by van Dam. Head to the buckle, headbutt, headbutt, superfluous backflip - Jericho sidesteps the next oncoming headbutt and van Dam shoulders the post. Jericho pulls van Dam out - then throws him into the ringpost a second time. Jericho pulls him out - on the shoulder - down with a shoulderbreaker (!) - 1, 2, van Dam kicks out! Jericho stomps the head - again - brings him up, right hand, chop, chop, into the ropes, head down, van Dam kicks. Jericho put into the ropes, but he holds on and the dropkick only hits air. Jericho tries the Lionsault - but meets the knees! van Dam goes up top - Fivestar frog splash but THAT hits the knees! Both man are staying down this time - we'll take another Subway Replay, because it's all about frog splashes to the guy doing replays, I guess. "RVD" chant - or "Y2J" chant - blame post-production for confusing us all. Both men are up now - van Dam ducks a clothesline and lands a spin kick. Off the ropes - Rolling Thunder and the senton lands - 1, 2, Jericho kicks out! Boot to the head by van Dam - in the corner - right, kick, into the opposite corner is reversed, van Dam up and over, backflips back - up on the shoulders to try the Frankensteiner but Jericho stops him halfway - WALLS OF JERICHO!! van Dam reaches through...and grabs the bottom rope. Hebner forces a break - and Jericho is none too pleased about it. van Dam going for the clothesline - Jericho steps aside and Hebner takes the brunt! (Trivia: When was the last time Hebner didn't take a shot in his match?) Bulldog by Jericho, Lionsault, cover...down for a million but Hebner is dead. Jericho is over to bring him back to life - no luck. van Dam up - spin kick to the mush. Split-legged moonsault hits - but, amazingly, there's STILL no live zebras on the plantation. Jericho mauls a distracted van Dam down with a clothesline. van Dam into the corner - boot up by van Dam. "Y2J" chant. van Dam leaps to the top - Jericho trips him up, crotching him on top. Jericho up after him for a superplex - oh no STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is out and he's got a chair - Jericho backs off and *van Dam* takes the chairshot! Did he mean it? We'll all wonder. Hebner is finally awake - 1, 2, 3! Jericho advances to No Mercy, and a WCW title shot against the Rock! (6:13 - ?ATD) Replay shows Austin's expression...plays it close to the vest. Coming back, van Dam is up...and wondering just what Austin was trying to accomplish. Austin looks back...blank. van Dam wants ANY reaction from Austin...but doesn't get one. Ooh, lookit! van Dam makes a FROWNY face! Cole says it's the first time we've ever seen this side of Rob van Dam. Austin has put down the chair - and picked up a mic. "I want every single member of the Alliance to come to this ring RIGHT NOW. I want EVERY single member of the Alliance to come out here and witness what is about to happen In This Very Ring." Austin climbs into the ring. Cole: "Are Austin and van Dam gonna go at it right here?" Well, not until after this ad break...DAMMIT

Moments Ago,, you know what happened

When we come back, the ring is full of TEAM W/ECW. "You know ever since Stone Cold Steve Austin has been the leader of the Alliance, I've led by example. I give credit where credit is due. I would not be the World Wrestling Federation champion right now if it wasn't for one person. One person gave me the opportunity. I took that opportunity and became the champion...and I have one man to thank for that. Since I always give credit where credit's due...I'd like to thank Shane McMahon. That's right, I wanna thank Shane McMahon, because you're the guy that made it all happen. You're a genius! I'm proud of ya. I'm not only proud of you, dammit, I love you. Thank you very much." HUG! BOO YA! "That's all I wanna do was say thank you, and give you credit where credit's due. And RVD thanks for, hey, thanks for covering Kurt Angle after Shane hit him in the head with a chair. You did your part, too." Austin goes through the ropes...and stops as van Dam says "that's all I get." Back in. "You sassin' me? Are you sassin' me? I just said thank you. What are ya all mad about? What, you're mad 'cause you lost your match? Yeah, you lost your match - you mad about that? Are you mad because you lost your opportunity to fight for the WCW title at No Mercy? You know what, while I was gone, you know while I was gone, I watched ya - I'll touch you again - I watched ya, I watched you give advice to the Alliance while I was gone, and you know what? You gave 'em hope. You tried to take 'em under your wing like Stone Cold Steve Austin did. You tried to be a leader...and answer all their questions." Austin pauses - crowd is chanting "What?" "See look whatcha did. You tried to be a leader...but Stone Cold Steve Austin is back to take these men and women under my wing. If it weren't for me, they wouldn't have a JOB. I got a piece of advice for you, RVD - I want you to keep your feet on the ground...and keep reachin' for the stars. You know why? Because in two, three, four...five years from now, you're gonna be a big star. You gotta lotta future - you've gotta lotta potential. And I don't like you - I don't love you - but I appreciate what you did for me, so - I'll gonna go ahead and offer this, uh, handshake as an olive branch of friendship." van Dam scowls. "Go ahead, shake my hand." SKEEEEEEECRASH he's back. He's MICK FOLEY. "Well! There's no place like home - there's no place like home. You see, it turns out that Linda McMahon thought that I - I would make a pretty good choice as your NEW WWF Commissioner! Thank you very much. my first act as commissioner, what I'd like to do right here tonight is make a match between you, William Regal, and the Olympic champion Kurt Angle! Yet, I'd *like* to make that match, but - but I can't, you see, William, I know that I can't force an Alliance member to take on a member of the WWF, but what I can do is make an appeal to your, your British manhood. Ey matey? Wotsa mattah guvnah? Kneeza littah wohbbly eh? Afraid to tangle it up with the Olympic champion Kurt Angle? Well let me put it another way - Regal, maybe you don't have the testicular step In That Very Ring here tonight against the Olympic Champion. Whaddaya say...Willie?" "Listen to me, you bloody imbecile. You're bloody well right I'll fight Kurt Angle right in this ring tonight!" "All right, that's what I wanna hear, now...wait a second. Is that Stone Cold Steve Austin? Steve-o! Congratulations! WWF Champion, remember when you and me were tag champs back in '97? I gotta tell ya you look GREAT, Steve! Have you been exercising? You see, I've been exercising a little bit too, and right here tonight I'm gonna...exercise my authority! Maybe you're wondering why, right about now, Kurt Angle's not In That Very Ring kicking your Tex-ass....(little play on words) all over Illinois. Well, that...well that's because I did something to appease the Olympic Champion, you see what I did was give him a guarantee that he would indeed have a title shot against you at No Mercy. Now, wait...hey you, the young man with the initials - what are those initials again?" van Dam climbs a turnbuckle and points to himself. "You, yeah. RVD. Listen, son...I've been watching you and you've been blowing my mind, but I wanna know if you know something about me, Mick Foley, the WWF Commissioner. I'll tell you what. The fact is that I like to give the fans - all of the fans, including the fans right here tonight in (edit) Illinois....the best damn main events that I possibly can. And RVD, I just happen to think that that main event at No Mercy would be just a little bit better with you involved. What I'm talking about is a Triple Threat. Kurt Angle - Stone Cold - and RVD. But wait wait wait, wait, once again I know my power is kind of limited, RVD, I can't force you as an Alliance member to take place in that WWF championship match, so what I guess I'm gonna have to ask you to do is make a choice as to whether or not you wanna compete in the biggest contest of your career. So I guess, RVD, it's all up to you whether or not, or as Meat Loaf said, what's it gonna be, boy - yes or no?" RVD takes the mic. "Far be it for me to ignore the advice of our leader, Stone Cold Steve Austin. Yeah I'll touch you again. I know when you're talking about me reachin up for the stars, you do NOT want me to pass up this opportunity. Stone Cold's cool with it - RVD's cool with it. I'm in." Austin is unhappy. "So it's a Triple Threat at No Mercy - Stone Cold - Kurt Angle - and P T S. Have a nice day!" Austin and van Dam continue to chat...

WWF SmackDown! returns in a moment - on UPN!

This Saturday on Excess - the APA are the Special Guest Stars!

Backstage, the Austins and Shane talk for our benefit. "You know, I don't get it Shane. I just won the World Wrestling Federation championship back, and now my life is turning into Hell. Mick Foley comes back as the commissioner of the World Wrestling Federation? What is that? You know how much I hate Mick Foley? Do you know he's going to try to make my life a living hell as commissioner? Do you know that? What? Right. RVD accepts to be in the triple threat match? What? Why? What? He got no - look at me. He got no business stickin' his nose in my business. Do you see what I'm saying?" "I see exactly what you're saying, but hear me out - this is an opportunity, look at it this way. Look at it as an opportunity for the Alliance." "How?" "Hey don't you - don't you understand this? We just increased our odds of winning that matchup by a third. Stone Cold Steve Austin...if you win, of course you retain the World Wrestling Federation championship. And if RVD wins, then...." Austin's look prevents Shane from completing his thought. "Come on." He and Debra walk away as Shane makes a shocked face.

THE HURACAN & MIGHTY MOLLY hit the ring as we learn that SmackDown! is brought to you by whacko tobacco, "The Mummy Returns," and Clearasil. "Greetings, true believers! My hurrisenses are telling me it's time to defend the super European championship. So, if there's any mere mortal...(they give thumbs down)...who wishes to be vanquished. Please feel free to step forward in a flash, but be forewarned - through howling winds and pouring rain, all evil shall fear...the Hurricane!"

WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: HURACAN (with Mighty Molly) vs. KANE - Hurricane lets Molly through the ropes - then steps up. "Citizen Kane! I think you're making a mistake withyourlife. Think about it: you've got a cool costume, you got a cool mask, you're seven feet tall, and you don't fight crime - WASSUPWITDAT? I think you would be a great addition to the Hurrileague, and together with the Hurricane and Mighty Molly...we would be the superest super team that ever lived? Whaddaya say - Hurritwin powers - activate!" THEY TOUCH RINGS!! Then Kane grabs his fist and twists - golly, that looks painful! Referee "Blind" Jack Down breaks it up for no apparent reason - Kane chases him almost completely out of the ring. Hurricane with a right. Pose, pose, off the ropes, ducks a clothesline from Kane. Going for a drop toehold on Kane...Kane ain't budging. Kane grabs him and pulls him up with a double choke - into the corner - Hurricane ducks the clothesline - right, right, axe handle...pose...Kane pulls him down to the mat. Big boot. Hurricane goes outside - where Molly puts on the cape. Hurricane poses! Kane pulls him up by the head - Hurricane DOES manage a hot shot, at least. Hurricane to the top - he's gonna fly! He's gonna get caught. Hurricane manages to go down the back and land on his feet - and decides to try a belly-to-belly suplex. Again, Kane ain't leavin' the ground. Kane with the scoop...and a big overhead slam. Right hand. Off the ropes...elbowdrop MISSES! Hurricane wants a gutwrench - no. Up on the shoulder, Kane with the powerslam. Molly on the apron to beg for mercy (maybe) - Kane looks at her long enough for Hurricane to dropkick the back of his knee. It's all over now - the big powerbomb - the big - the....nope, Kane lifts him up on his shoulders and powerbombs HIM down. Meanwhile, TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST is out to make sure we don't get that title change. Kane locks his eyes on Test until NAPPY T can come out through the crowd...but Kane turns around - choke! Test is in and HE lands the forearm to the back. Doan calls for the bell (DQ 2:24) as the doubleteam ensues. Yes, TAKER *does* come out - right for T, right, right and T goes out. Test is already gone having finished the job on Kane. Play "Rollin'!" Taker helps Kane to his feet - and they stare at the two men on the aisle. Meanwhile, Tazz leaves the commentary table - he's got a little business of his own coming up...

"Look, I'm very proud of the fact that you're challenging Tazz again tonight, and I'm gonna let you fight your own battles...even though what Tazz pulled on you last week - that's true to form, that's who he is." Hearing a voice sing "I am the com-mish-shun-er," Al says "Look, look, don't make eye contact. We'll just stand here, we'll stare at the wall. Maybe--" Nope, Foley is here. "Al! Al, hey Al. Guess who's going to be on Millionaire next week." "Ummmmmm....YOU are!" "Right, and hey - wanna be my lifeline?" "Yeah, sure! That could be kinda cool!" "Maven! Nice to meet you." "Pleasure." "And did you know..." "Tough Enough champion." "I KNOW he's the Tough Enough champion, and did you know if it wasn't for Al Snow I wouldn't be here tonight?" "If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be here in (???)." "Remember when Al was hangin' with the midgets about six, seven months ago, challenged Regal to a match for the commissionership, ended up losing BIG TIME which caused Regal to ascend into a position of power, screwed over Kurt Angle for the WWF Championship, and put Austin in position where HE could be the new WWF Champion, necessitating the reason for my return tonight. Pretty cool, huh?" "Really?" "Don't listen to him!" "Hey, good luck in that match with Tazz tonight, okay?" "Get away from him - you remember those people I told you NOT to associate with? That's one--" (offstage shout) "Al, I need my gavel back!"

Kurt Angle talks about life on the road - and how he plans to later divorce his wife. No, the book, that can't be right.

Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2 - again - again - I almost miss those Kane pasta ads

Nothing beats the WWF Live - find out Saturday in Saginaw, Sunday in Toledo, RAW in Ottawa and Tuesday in Montreal!

Backstage, Test and Booker T laugh it up. "What's wrong witchoo, man?" "Man, what you did on Monday..." "Uh huh" " the Undertaker" "Yeah!" "...was great!" "Most definitely!" "You called his bluff! You PULLED his punk card...and handed it to him! And at No Mercy, Book, I KNOW you're gonna BEAT HIM DOWN." "BOO YA!" "Just like I... beat down Kane... tonight. Kane - the big red machine. The invincible Kane! The unbeatable Kane! Well, I'll tell you what, Book. I'm gonna do you proud. I'm CHALLENGING a match..." "Oh yeah!" " No Mercy." "Most definitely!" "And when he feels the boot to the face BAM! He's gonna know that he IS human - and Kane's gonna know that he can be beat." "Do you know what, man?" "What's that?" "I can dig that." "I knew you would." "YEAH!"

AL SNOW is out to join MICHAEL KING COLE at ringside. This Sunday on Heat, Booker T takes on Edge!

TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (with Let Us Take You Back To Last Week) v. MAVEN - again - Maven STILL hasn't bought any ringwear - man, he had a whole WEEK! Tazz piefaces Maven - Maven says "well the dropkick went over pretty well last week" and delivers. Hiptoss (not), scoop....and a slam. Maven isn't sure what to he goes up top - moonsault MISSES! Field goal kick by Tazz - another - in the corner, kick, kick, right, right, right is blocked - elbow by Maven, elbow, open-handed slap by Tazz, slap, slap. Pulled out - T-Bone Tazzplex. Slap to the face. Into the ropes, Maven ducks - Maven with the sleeper!! Tazz steps in and goes for the death suplex - Maven lands on his feet! Tazz ducks the clothesline and quickly applies the Tazzmission and body scissors - Maven taps again. (1:15) Tazz pats him on the back...he won't do it again, will he? Maven pops up with a clothesline! Play Saliva! Snow hits the ring to raise Maven's hand 'cause Nick Patrick won't for sure.

At the Magic Window set, The Rock paces! He'll be talking SOON!

No Mercy ad

Time now for the WWF Slam of the Week, presented by Jared and Subway! From RAW, Taker gives Booker T the last ride, helping the Hardyz take the WCW tag team titles away from T&T

LOOK! It's WWF New York!

Who's inside? It's....well, nobody. We instead look at MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZ, your hosts.

The graphic don't lie - Saliva's CD cover brings you No Mercy! The main event is set: the WWF Championship will be decided in a Triple Threat match between Stone Cold Steve Austin, Kurt Angle, and Rob van Dam! The WCW title is on the line when Rock takes on Chris Jericho! And don't you dare forget the lingerie match - Stacy Keibler takes on Torrie Wilson! The challenge is accepted - Booker T. clashes with Undertaker! It's a ladder match for the intercontinental title between Christian and Edge! And just added is a special challenge match between Test and Kane!

JONATHAN COACHMAN stands backstage with the Rock. Are he and Jericho cool? Rock starts to answer, but pauses for the chant. "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK TO THE QUAD CITY! So now, the match is set. Ten days from now, No Mercy, the Rock, Y2J, for the WCW title. Allow the Rock to answer your question, everybody's question, the Rock has been answering all week long. Are you and Y2J cool? What's going on with the Rock and Chris Jericho? What's happening with the Rock and Y2J? Well let the Rock confirm that everything is 'cool' between the Rock and Y2J. No problems between the Rock and Y2J. Ancient history - water under the bridge. So trust the Rock - just because he doesn't wanna whoop Chris Jericho's ass tonight, or tomorrow, or the next night, ten days from tonight, at No Mercy, it's gonna be the Rock, the Brahma Bull, the People's Champion, against Y2J, the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah..." we pull back to see Jericho standing there. Jericho finally notices a camera. "Oh I'm sorry, Rock, I didn't know you were doing an interview, I was just so enthralled by what you were saying--" Rock pulls the mic back to his face. "You're sorry, you didn't know the Rock was doing an interview...can the Rock help you, Chris Jericho?" "Like I said, I was just listening to what you were saying, and this is exciting, Rock - this is huge. The Rock and Y2J at No Mercy? Are you kidding? I'm excited, every Jerichoholic is excited, THIS is going to be HUGE." Rock pauses for the chant again. "Oh there's no question, Chris Jericho, it's gonna be huge. The Rock is geeked, the Rock is AMPED. It's gonna be electrifying, but as far as for you, Chris Jericho, never winning the big one... nonononono, simply not true because tonight, you won the big one, and the Rock can't WAIT for No Mercy. Good luck." Handshake. "Good luck, Rock. People are going to be talking about this one." And then Jericho brushes Rock's shoulder on his way out, even taking the belt off Rock's shoulder in the process! Rock looks back...and smiles. "He has no idea. No idea." Oh oh, he forgot to ask us to smell what he was - oh that just might have been the point.

William Regal is WALKING!

UP NEXT: Regal vs. Angle!

Tough Enough video/DVD ad

And now, the Stacker 2 Burn of the Week! From RAW, Regal turns on the WWF...again.

WILLIAM REGAL v. KURT ANGLE - is it just me is it four minutes to the end of the show? I smell the earthy aroma of squash in the air... Angle hits the ring quick - right, right, right, right, knee by Regal, elbow - off the ropes - Angle catches him with a belly-to-belly overhead suplex. There's ANOTHER belly-to-belly. Angle tosses Regal over the top to the outside and follows. Stomp, stomp. To the mat, chop, chop, chop, head to the barricade, walked over to the commentary table - head to the table - again - right, Regal manages to shove Angle into the post, cutting the "USA" chant short as well. Regal tosses Angle into the ropes and lets him bounce off to the floor (neat). Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick - every left footed kick from Regal aimed at the base of the neck. Angle rolled back in - Regal follows - Angle right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, back elbow by Regal. Cover - 1, kickout. Angle right, right, rollup - 1, 2, no. Angle grabs an ankle...Regal kicks him away with his free foot. Knee to the face - Euro elbow, elbow, elbow, Euro uppercut - Angle ducks the next left and lets Regal's chest hit the buckle - up from behind - forearm in the back, forearm, forearm, forearm, forearm forearm forearm forearm forearm - pulling him out, he's got the waistlock - GERMAN SUPLEX!! He's holding on - there's ANOTHER! Regal frantically grabs for the ropes - and doesn't get them - THIRD GERMAN SUPLEX! Angle mounts - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right - that's a Ten Punch Count Along - DOWN COME THE STRAPS! OLYMPIC SLAM!! RAVEN is in - huh? HE gets a belly-to-belly - AWESOME MIKE AWESOME takes a belly-to-belly - KANYON in - Angle ducks a punch and hits a German suplex on HIM - TOMMY DREAMER is out with a chair - Angle takes it from him - WHACK! Thanks for coming out, Tommy! WHACK Raven - WHACK Awesome - WHACK Kanyon! Wooooooow! Play his music! (No contest? 3:22) Regal mugs at the top of the ramp - he didn't get pinned...maybe later. You didn't think they'd blow off this burgeoning feud TONIGHT, did you? (Maybe - it HAS kinda been like that lately...) Oh, quiet you. This was a pretty good show. (Yeah, for once.) That's it. I don't wanna hear from you until Monday!

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