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TV-PG-DLV One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

LAST MONDAY: He's Vince McMahon, dammit - go read the RAW report

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When I'm in New York, it's BIG APPLE PIE-RO - coming to you from the Continental Airlines (is Good but American Airlines is Better) Arena in E. Rutherford, NJ 8.11.1 (but taped 6.11) and SAP transmitido en espanol on the United Paramount Network (and probably the Score), THIS is WWF SMACKDOWN! HEY LOOK A "STEPH CAN'T ACT" SIGN - IT AIN'T JUST ME, FOLKS

TONIGHT: Kurt Angle & Steve Austin team up to take on the Fun Brothers!

TONIGHT: Rock vs. Booker T for the WCW Championship!

WCW TAG TEAM TITLE: A.P.A. (with Jacqueline - and Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. DUDLEY BOYZ (with Stacy Dudley) - my stopwatch is talking to me - it says "Stacy took five seconds to get in the ring - then only spent five seconds in the ring until she got out again." My stopwatch wants an episode of Heat written around it. Bradshaw starts on D-Von - pound, pound, pound - whip into the ropes, and Dudley springs off with a clothesline. Right hand by Dudley, right, Bradshaw sent into the ropes, head down, forearm by Bradshaw, chop, right, chop, right, ugliest DDT in the world, cover...2. Bradshaw picks him up - neckbreaker - almost Regal-like, and it gets 2. Right, kick, into the ropes, head down - Dudley with a swinging neckbreaker. Tag to Bubba Ray - held open for the kick and Dudley continues - chop, right, into the ropes, Bradshaw ducks - and hits a shouldertackle off the ropes. Tag to Faarooq - three open shots, into the ropes, double shoudlerblock - Faarooq covers and gets 1. Free shot for D-Von - but that allows Bubba Ray to recover - knee to the gut by Dudley, forearm in the back, tag, and D-Von runs into a drop toehold. Stomp, stomp, stomp, tag, held open for a gutshot. Bradshaw elbow, into the ropes, D-Von tries a crossbody...which can only mean it's time for the Contractually Obligated Fallaway Slam. And now it's time for a Contractually Obligated Apron Appearance by Stacy - shake that ass, show me whatchoo workin' with. Bradshaw likes it...walks over...raises her skirt and spanks her one. Dudleyz with a double neckbreaker off the distraction. Bubba Ray with a first to the head - make it double. That's a third straight right. Big elbowdrop, ANOTHER big elbowdrop - man, welcome to the 80s - 2 for Dudley. Right, right, up to the second rope....but Jacqueline decides it's time to make HER presence felt, bugging Dudley enough to allow Bradshaw to recover - gutshot - superplex! Both men are down. Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson puts on the count...looks like we'll get tags on both ends - Faarooq with a clothesline, clothesline, into the ropes, big back body drop, clothesline for Bubba Ray, D-Von into the ropes, powerslam, 1, 2, Bubba Ray breaks it up. Bradshaw in - big boot takes out Bubba Ray...Bradshaw follows....but ends up running into the post when Bubba Ray steps aside. Meanwhile, Faarooq hits the spinebuster - 1, 2, D-Von kicks out - I don't know if that's how it was supposed to go down, because Stacy seems confused as she gets in the ring. Maybe Jackie's late - SHE'S in and shoving Stacy out....and following. Bubba Ray in - right by Faarooq - into the ropes, reversal, crowd's been chanting "3D" for about half an hour so I THINK everybody sees it coming. Maybe Faarooq shouldn't be trying the Irish whip against these guys? One Dudley Death Drop later, D-Von covers - 1, 2, 3. Champs retain. (4:42)

A man, a woman...and a clipboard. "What are you doin'? I know you're drawing a picture, these are my notes, Debra. They're very important to me. What? I gotta get some information. I'm sick of everybody making accusations. Tonight, Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna get information. Come in." "Stone Cold, Debra." "William Regal." "You wanted to see me?" "You're damn right I wanted to see you. What I want you to do right now is to get everybody from the Alliance in that ring. Because I got questions to ask, and I'm gonna get some information - I got something I'm gonna get off my chest, and I'm gonna tell those mealy-mouthed (beep) to their face. Now, with the exception of Kurt Angle, Booker T and RVD - tell those three guys they ain't got to show up but I want the rest of 'em in the ring, thank you SO much!" "Right you are, I'll take care of it."

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Matt Hardy has great news - he's got an intercontinental title shot. Lita doesn't think this news is so great - they're supposed to be taking on Lance Storm & Ivory tonight. Matt says he's gotta think about it, his match is next, bye.

COMMISSIONER REGAL leads TEAM W/ECW to the ring. "Fellow Alliance members, you have been summoned here this evening because your leader has something to get off his chest. Stone Cold Steve Austin, the Alliance awaits you." STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN hits the ring, sans notes - and shoves aside Regal on his way to the first of all four corners. Mike Awesome gets a big staredown on the way to the third corner - Bubba Ray Dudley is the glare recipient before corner four. Austin swipes the mic. "Last Monday night, Vince McMahon came out here, and he says 'Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna jump to the World Wrestling Federation at Survivor Series.' So I came down to my ring, put my foot in his gut and gave him a Stunner, right here in the middle of this ring - what! I said I gave that (beep) a Stunner right here in my ring. Bottom line, guys and girls, it comes down to trust. I've gotta know....I have got to know if you trust me. Why you lookin' at me like that?" Mic to Chavo - and pulled away before he can answer. "What? I said why you lookin' at me like that? What? Enough fun and games, Chavo, you can look me in my eyes - do you trust me?" Big pause. "Yeah, I trust ya." "Thank you very much. You gonna pick your boogers on my interview? You got your finger up your nose, you ain't gonna pay attention to what Steve Austin got to say? Hugh Morrus, this isn't funny - this isn't funny at all." Hand on shoulder. "So I'm gonna ask - you got a problem with that? What? Do you trust me?" Pause. "Yeah I trust you." "Thank you. STAND BACK THERE'S A HURRICANE COMIN' THROUGH! What? Is that supposed to impress me? Maybe you can use your Hurrisenses and you can tell me, best as anybody in here can...do you trust me, Hurricane?" "I trust you." "Why you lookin' at me like that? Stasiak, look at me. Do you trust Stone Cold Steve Austin? I can't hear you. I said...read my lips, maybe this ain't soakin' in. DO - YOU - TRUST - ME?" "Sure, Austin, I trust you." "I think that's about enough. I've gotten the answers - we got a big group of people in here, but I think Billy Kidman, you've got a smirk on your face. Is this supposed to be cool? OH LEAN BACK ON THE ROPES! Gotcher hair GREASED BACK! I ain't got no hair to grease back. What? We ain't here to talk about my haircut. Do you trust me?" "I trust you." "Thank-- aw. It's the beady eyed wonder, Tazz. I thought I passed by a television set in the back and heard you talkin' trash about the good name of Stone Cold Steve Austin - was I correct? Hey don't you live down the road here in Redhook? Huh? Why don't you come in this ring? I gotta question I wanna ask you, too." Tazz removes his headset and grabs a mic. "What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? GETCHER (beep) IN THE RING! You people wanna give me a little breathin' space? Somebody in this ring needs a Tic-Tac and some deodorant - yer makin' me sick! That includes you (pointing to Stacy)." He turns back to Tazz. "Let me cut you off." "I'm just gonna let you cut me off?" "Just let me, let me cut you off, if you don't mind, boss." "Now you're talkin'." "You know--" "NO NO NO LET ME CUT YOU OFF." "Okay." "No, you're so full of yourself, what were you gonna say." "I'm gonna have to tell you something that...you know, nobody in this ring has got the guts to tell ya. And the other thing is, you're not gonna like it." "What?" "I didn't STUTTER." Austin turns to Regal and says something... "Hey BOSS - I'm over here." "Tazz" chant. "Never mind." "Speaking for most of the Alliance...we don't like you! And not only do we not like you, we're a little sick and tired of you treatin' us like *trailer park trash.* And that trust word that you're chuckin' out there - do you trust me, do you trust me, do you trust me - you know, you live by a motto called DTA - Don't Trust Anybody - right?" "Yer damn right. Thank you." "You're welcome. DTA, in my opinion, and I think I can speak for most of these people in this ring, you see DTA now stands for Don't Trust Austin." "Hehehehehe - hahahahaha - ahahahahaha." Austin puts an arm on Bubba Ray's shoulder - he stops laughing with Austin and gives him a look. Austin stops laughing. He tries Morrus - nope. "Hey boss - I'm over HERE" Austin gives Tazz a STUNNER, then stomps a mudhole in him - the Alliance members look on...then, one by one, leave the ring...except Regal. "Hey, wait! Wait! Where ya goin'? No no...D-Von! Hurricane! What? What? What? Come back!" Austin drops the mic and goes back to stomping on Tazz. Play his music!

Thanks, Lugz, for sponsoring the WWF Boot of the Week! From RAW, Test uses not one but TWO boots on the ropes to secure a pinfall victory and intercontinental championship win over Edge.

In the Room of Fun, Austin paces while Stephanie, Heyman and Shane stand by. "This whole thing....this whole damn thing is makin' me SICK! You saw what just happened, Steph...I had a man down in the middle of my ring, stompin' a mudhole in him, walkin' it dry - and who helped? Nobody - the whole Alliance with the exception of three members coulda jumped in to help Stone Cold Steve Austin, but nobody did, what? I said nobody did. So what does that prove to me? It proves to me if I got a man down and you can't jump in and join in the fun...that means you ain't strong enough to make the jump. It ain't none o' them out there, so we're gonna get to the bottom of this, right? What? I said, we're gonna get to the bottom of it. What? It's time to get to the bottom of it. You're big buddies with Booker T - the spinaroonie - COOOOOOL! Since you're so tight with him, I want you to bring him back in, 'cause I got some questions I gotta ask him." "No problem." "Well, I'd appreciate it, thank you very much, Shane." "Excuse me." "Yeah. Mr. ECW - do you like your little hat?" "Yessir." "You look real nice in your little suit there." "Thank you." "You're real tight with RVD, aren'cha?" "Yessir." "What?" "Yessir." "Do you know what this watch is saying right now?" "No, sir." "It's saying it's time for you go to get RVD and bring him back here because I got some questions I wanna ask him." "Yessir." "Can you handle this?" "Yessir." "THANK you so much." "Yessir. I'll go now." "You're damn right you'll go. ...what? What?" "Do you want me to... go get someone?" "You're damn right I do. You're pallin' up with Kurt Angle all of a sudden, aren'cha? Gold Medal winner - red white and blue - do you know who I'm talking about?" "Yes, sir." "You're big buddies, I'd like to talk to him - would you get him for me?" "Absolutely." "Thank you so much. Pleasure talkin' to ya."

WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with your hosts are now a pair of kings as LARRY KING has joined MICHAEL KING COLE with Tazz' departure) v. MATT HARDY (by his damn self) - Lockup, hammerlock by Hardy, side headlock - Test powers out, hiptoss blocked, backslide by Hardy gets 2. Small package for 2. Hardy making noise - ducks a clothesline, sitout clothesline of his own, clothesline, clothesline, man I'm tired of typing that - scoop...and a slam. Second rope ahhhhhhhhh - no, took too long - Test walks up - block, right, right, right, and tosses him over his shoulder to the centre of the ring. Test with a gutshot - pumphandle...but Hardy goes down the back and hits a Slop Drop for 2. Test sent into the ropes, reversed, but Hardy pulls him into a gutshot - wants the Twist of Fate but AGAIN spends too long shouting and not doing the move, so Test reverses and hits a clothesline. Feet on the ropes cover - 1, 2, referee "Blind" Mike Chioda somehow manages to notice and stops his count. Test has a problem with the stoppage of the count - Matt from behind with a schoolboy - 1, 2, no! Test with a big clothesline. Commentators speculate that maybe Chioda saw a tape of himself missing the feet on Monday (or maybe he just saw the "Lugz Boot of the Week") - Test's Savage elbow...MISSES! Hardy with a gutshot, Twist of Fate - no, AGAIN Test shoves him after the shout - I think he's got that scouted - shoved into the ropes - Hardy ducks the boot and hits a neckbreaker. Second rope (no ah) legdrop - 1, 2, ohhh Test has his foot on the rope! Hardy didn't catch that and is already celebrating...and finds himself surprised to be on the wrong end of the Wotsitolla Boot - and a 1, 2, 3. (2:54) I can forgive a lot if the match tells a story, and this one did... a lot. Now, whether anything results from it remains to be seen. Replay of Test putting his foot on the rope - and in Matt Hardy's face. We come back to see KING EDGE spear Test up on the stage! Play Rob Zombie instead! Give THAT a replay!

As Shane looks on, Austin and Booker engage in a staring contest. "I'm gonna ask you a question, Booker...and I want the TRUTH. Do you know how to breakdance?" "Yeah." "All right. I knew other than being champions, you and me had something in common. MAN when I was a kid I used to spin around on my head, doin' all those crazy moves. Watch this - whoop! Ha ha ha.." "Heh heh - you used to do that too, huh?" "Ah, I used to love to break-- that's not why I gotcha here, Booker. I got ya here to ask you a big question. The question is, are you with Stone Cold Steve Austin, or are you against me?" "What are you talkin' about, man, I been witchyoo since Day One, I been with the Alliance since Day One." "You have?" "Yes!" "Why don't you sit your ass down and let's take a little trip down memory lane. I got something to show you. Sit down! You remember your first day here in the WWF? Your first day at work?" "Of course!" "I do! 'cause it's right here in this building. Yeah, I could sit here and flap my gums all day long - let's play the footage. Let's see Booker T's first day at work. Oh, here you come - all dressed - BAM BAM BAM - BOOM - YEAAAAAH POW! Boy that felt like a million wha..OUCH! One more time if you did - BAM! Look at me! Look at you! Look atchya! Look at me layin' there like a piece of trash, and look at you. I've seen enough. I've seen enough - get your (beep) up - sucka! It all makes sense to me, Booker T. Oh yeah, this is your big chance to be a big star! You turn your back on Stone Cold Steve Austin, you turn your back the Alliance and you RUN - BAM - you run to the WWF - to be a big star. Is that what you're plannin' on doin' at Survivor Series? You gonna run to the WWF - SUCKA? Spit it out!" T turns to Shane. "He didn't say that. TELL ME he didn't just say that! That footage, I did that FOR the Alliance! The sucka you talkin' about, the mole is...we all know it, it's RVD!" "What?" "The sucka who got out the limo with Vince McMahon is RVD - the man who said he - Vince McMahon isn't such a bad guy, he doesn't have two faces, is RVD. That's the sucka who's gonna run to the WWF, not me!" "Guys, just chill out for a second, please - chill out for a second. Booker T tonight, back it up, back it up--" "Don't touch!" "Back it up - Booker T tonight takes on the Rock and Booker T tonight will become, count 'em, the six-time WCW Champion - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, six-time WCW Champion, and bring the WCW Championship back to where it belongs - to the Alliance." "Alliance." "Go get ready, Booker." "The ALLIANCE." "Go get ready, Booker - you own the Rock, you OWN the Rock! ...it's not Booker. It's not Booker."

Backstage, Rock gets his elbow taped up by Chris Thetrainer.

Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Jericho and Rock had a li'l match - and Jericho kinda lost - then kinda lost IT

Back to Rock and the trainer. There's a knock at the door - it's Vince. "Give me a second, pal...Rock. Yeah, it's messed up pretty bad, isn't it. Look, I just wanted to come to you tonight and let you know - I'd hoped the two of you - you and Jericho would put your differences aside last Monday - I hoped it wouldn't come to something this personal, but....I...it looks like your elbow's damn near shattered. I hope it doesn't in any way impair your ability to compete, and I'm concerned for you, I just wanted to let you know that." "Concerned." "And the other thing is, I think it's a damn shame that my son and my daughter are forcing you to, to defend the WCW title, you just won it again on Monday, and they're forcing you in this injured state to defend the title, and I know that's not right." "It's not right - and it's a shame. You know, Vince - your concern for the Rock...about as phony as your daughter's breasts." "Wait, Rock...wait." "What?" "I have to know....if you're big enough to put your personal differences aside at Survivor Series, and I know this thing with you and Jericho, it's gotta be festering inside you, Rock...but you've got to let it go. Survivor Series, Rock...Survivor Series. The WWF must survive." "You know what? You're absolutely right. And the Rock'll tell you this. Survivor Series, the Rock and Jericho. Don't worry about it." "I knew I could count on you, Rock." "The only thing you should worry about is Jericho surviving period. Period."

Meanwhile, Rob van Dam is stretching! Booker T walks up. "Hey Rob." "What's up, Booker." "I had a meeting with Stone Cold, and you know what I told him? I said HE's not the one who's gonna jump ship, I'M not the one who's gonna jump ship, the mole around here is RVD, that's what I told him." "Hey uh, thanks for being so honest with me, Book, sharing that information. I really appreciate that. Let me return the favour some day, when I got something bad to say about you, I'm gonna come and tell ya, right to your face. Thanks a lot." "Hey...you jealous of me, ain'cha Rob." "Jealous of you." "You jealous because I'm gonna go out here and become the six-time WCW Champion. Ain'cha, sucka." "Hey - on behalf of the Alliance, good luck with that title match, Book. Wish you the best." "Yeah. Let me tell you something. When I go out here and do my thing, just stay the hell out of my business - otherwise I'm gonna wipe the mat all over witchyo face, do you dig that, sucka?" "Oh, I dig it all right...I dig it. But see, my name isn't 'sucka' - my name is Points To Self." "WHATEVER! That's yo business - I'm fit to go out there and handle mine. You just go and sit in the back somewhere, sucka." "Whatever." van Dam goes back to stretching...but appears to get an idea...

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WCW CHAMPIONSHIP: NAPPY T (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box & SAP Transmitido en espanol - and SmackDown! is bought to you by X-Pac - I mean Xbox, Foot Locker, and truth) v. THE ROCK - T tries to surprise Rock out on the ramp - no luck - Rock ducks, right, right, right, right, right, right, T with a knee - and elbow-first into the post. Stomp, stomp, stomp - elbow every time. Elbow into the ringpost. Overhand forearm, forearm, forearm - elbow into the commentary table. Into the ring - and there's the bell. Stomp on the elbow. Stomp. Kick. Rock manages to pop up - right, right, right, right - T with another kick to the elbow. Whip...is reversed, Rock with "what a throw." But he's busy holding the elbow - T back on him, grabbing the elbow in a keylock. "Let's go Rocky" chant. Rock back to his feet - right, right, breaks the hold right, right, whip is reversed but Rock springs off with his flying clothesline. Block, right, block, right, right, right, T with a gutshot - kick to the elbow - into the ropes is reversed - Rock with a Samoan Drop for 2. Right - whip, reversal, head down by T, Rock kicks - wants Rock Bottom but T elbows, elbows, elbows out - gutshot, off the ropes, axe kick! T looks at his hand - then drops down for a spot of breakdancing. Harlem sidekick - but Rock ducks, leaving referee "Blind" Tim White to take it! T walks into the spinebuster - People's Elbow coming up - but NO as CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO is out from the crowd - bulldog on the Rock! LIONSAULT! Jericho leaves as T crawls to the cover - and so does White. 1, 2, ...shoulder up! Jericho is unhappy. T pulls Rock up - but he surpises him with a gutshot and DDT. Jericho pulls Rock out of the ring - but Rock blocks, right, right, right, head into the commentary table, again, again, again, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and Jericho goes over the barricade - but T is up from behind with a right hand on the Rock. Back in the ring - right - whip is reversed, but T reverses back, but Rock catches the kick - leg trip on the other leg - sharpshooter! Is T going to tap? He's about ready...but fortunately, we get ANOTHER run-in with ROB VAN DAM running in and giving Rock a boot in the face (DQ 4:31) - and, before he leaves, a Fivestar frog splash on Booker T for an encore. Right after he points to himself, van Dam finds HISMELF on the wrong end of ROCK BOTTOM - THEN Jericho is back in with a chair to Rock's head. We finish with Jericho's music - and three bodies in the ring as Jericho takes off.

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Vince paces about. "WHAT...was Jericho thinking." Here's Undertaker. "Hey boss - what's up?" "Can you believe what Jericho just did? Can you believe that?" "I don't believe a LOT of things I see and hear these days." "What the hell's goin' on?" "You tell ME what the hell's goin' on..." "Where's Kane?" Taker looks about and shrugs. "Kane's not here." "I see he's not here standing next to you - where's Kane?" "Maybe you didn't understand me...Kane is not here." "No, but you and Kane are teaming up tonight to face Austin and Angle." "Right." "Where's Kane?" "Kane - my brother - he ain't here." "Then - then what are we gonna do? What are YOU gonna do?" "What am I gonna do?" "Yeah!" "I'm gonna do what I do best - I'm gonna put Austin on one side, I'm gonna put Angle on the other - I'ma line 'em up and I'ma beat both their asses, that's what I'm gonna do." "Hey, look - I....I admire the bravado, and I know you've got justification for getting even with both of 'em, and I admire thatm, but..." "Uh huh." "...I think this is just a little to much - you against Austin and Angle in a handicap match. That's gettin' out there." "Mmmm - I thought so, too. Maybe we can get them a couple more partners." "You can't be serious - you've gotta come up with an alternative plan." "Look - that's pretty serious." "What's Plan B?" "Well, the only other thing I can think of...if you don't want a handicap match...how 'bout you be my partner." Vince gulps for our amusement. "Vince - Undertaker - Austin - Angle. That's money." "Umm....I'm honoured." "Good." "I'm flattered." "You should be." "And, the only problem is I just didn't bring my gear, but I otherwise would be honoured to be in your corner tonight, but...I know that you've got your heart set on this thing, so good luck." "Good luck. Well let me tell you something, I didn't come in here for any of your half-baked pep talks. You know, I gotta - I gotta ask you, what the hell are you thinking, man? Austin - you are inviting Austin back into the WWF. Look at me, Vince! I've been here ten - almost eleven years - I stood right beside you through everything! And now, this...bald-headed, no good...sewer rat - you're inviting him back, right back into the heart of the WWF." "Yes..." "What the hell is that?" "It's business, that's what it is, and..." "It's *risky* business!" "It's the right thing to do, I'm doing this - no, I'm doing this...for US." "Who do you think you're talking to? Do I have to remind you that I know everything that you've done - or probably ever WILL do? You're not pulling the wool over my eyes, man - you don't do anything for US. If you do this thing with Austin, you're doin' it for yourself, so don't try any of that con with me, man." "...I'm sorry you feel that way." "Oh you're sorry...that's just like you, isn't it. Well let me tell you something, Vince. You do what you want with Austin, but I can't promise you....come Survivor Series that Austin's gon' be available, 'cause if I get my chance, I'm takin' the boy out. Now, you think on that for a while." Vince thinks on it...and smiles...then laughs.

COMMISSIONER REGAL v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW - "Last Monday night, my business was interrupted by a big, useless, disgusting, filthy beast of a man, the Big Show! Big Show, get your miserable carcass to this ring right now, so I can show you what happens to people who besmirch my power." Before Show can get to the ring, SHAWN STASIAK & BILLY KIDMAN try to jump him from behind - Show turns round, punches Stasiak's chair into his head, and kicks Kidman down. Into the ring for Regal - Regal tries to get the first blows in with a kick left right left but Show swats him away - Regal into the corner, avalanche. Choke - Stasiak back in - HE gets ahhhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM - Kidman off the top - Show catches HIM, ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. HUGH MORRUS, JUSTIN CREDIBLE, AWESOME MIKE AWESOME, RAVEN, CHAVO GUERRERO JR. storm the ring - that'll be it for this match (DQ 0:28) The numbers briefly gain the advantage until Show shoves his way out of the corner - boot for Guerrero, clothesline for Awesome, back elbow for Raven, clothesline for Credible, clothesline for Morrus, kick for Raven, ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM on Awesome, ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM for Credible, ahhhhhhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM on Guerrero. Wellllllll...... Regal threatens to come back...but doesn't seem to get much further than halfway down the ramp.

Back to the dressing room - it's Paul! "Hardcore title." "Hey Paul!" "Hi, Rob!" "Man I look cool out there, hey get a picture of that later, you and the belt." "You always look cool out there, Rob, but ah..." "You're right, I do!" "...we gotta talk." "Oh, all right. What's up?" "Uh...not with each other. We gotta talk with Stone Cold Steve Austin." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah. Like, now." "Cool!" "Yeah - cool!"

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Matt's ready for the tag match with Lita...but Lita's already replaced him with Jeff.

Meanwhile, Show hooks up with Vince. "I gotta tell ya...that was impressive! That was very, very impressive, what you did out there, tonight..." "Yeah, it was. It felt good, too." "...and quite frankly, you've been very impressive as of late. So therefore, I've got a proposition for you." "What's that?" "Well you see, I've got a few...potential problems with Team WWF coming into Survivor Series. We're only ten days away, I need a little insurance, and I was wondering if umm...if you would be willing to take my place on Team WWF." "Willing to take - Vince, it would be an honour to take your place. You know I love the WWF. Absolutely, I just don't know why you didn't come to me sooner. Absolutely. Thanks so much, Vince - I'm excited! That's Survivor Series, that's main event. That's big time, that's show time - thank you Vince, you won't be sorry! I get to crack some heads...ha ha!" Vince smells himself after getting the Big Hug.

Austin, watching a monitor, reacts to this - HOLY CRAP SOMEBODY WATCHES THIS SHOW - knock at the door "YEAH WHAT?" "Stone Cold Steve Austin, this is Rob..." Austin gives Heyman a glare that makes him realise Austin knows who van Dam is...and leaves. "Sit. In the chair." "Okay." WAIT - THE MONITOR IS OFF - this is CREEPIN' ME OUT HERE - okay. Austin dims the lights - except for a spotlight on van Dam. "What the hell is this?" "What the hell do you THINK it is, RVD?" "Tanning sys--" "Nonono - a what?" "Tanning system?" "No it ain't a tan!" "I don't know." "You ever seen on the TV, when they sit a (beep) down in the chair, and they ask him questions, and the lights shine on 'em, it's because they want answers. It's a five syllable word called interrogation." "I used to see it on Baretta." "Do you think you're funny? Do you see me laugh? Do you know what my watch is saying?" "I've never heard that watch." "It's sayin' it's time for you to sit there, look straight ahead, and give Stone Cold Steve Austin some answers. What were you doin' out there a while ago with Booker T?" "That was just between Book and me." "If it was between Book and you, it's between you and me, because we're all a part of the Alliance, unless you got plans to go otherwise. You cost that man the WCW title. What? You're the guy, aren'cha? You're the guy. Straight ahead. You're ridin' around with Vince McMahon in the limousine. Do you think he's a great guy? It's all about Survivor Series for you, isn't it. You're gonna jump to the WWF to be a big star, this is your chance! You're the turncoat." "Oh come on, Steve. I mean, seriously, you gotta admit, if anybody knows anything about turning coats, it's you! Yeah, remember at WrestleMania? You're talkin' about how much you hated Vince? Next thing you know, you're shakin' his hands, you're huggin' him, yeah! And then at InVasion, BOOM you turn back to hating him again. Yeah, that was you! I mean, you...you know, now that I think about it...maybe Vince has a point. Maybe the mole is you." "What?" "It makes sense to me." "What? Me?" "I'm thinking maybe so." "I think it's you." "I'm saying it might be you." "I'm thinking it's you." "It's you." "I don't have any more questions for you, you can leave. Thank you for coming by." "...is it you?" "I don't trust you." "See you later."

WWF Home Video ad - "Hardy Boyz: Leap of Faith" and "Unforgiven" available this month! Man, they put those PPVs out QUICK now, don't they?

Let Us Take You Back to the WrestleMania onsale - and remind you that it's the largest 1st Day ticket sale in the history of Canada - check WrestleMania.com for news of more tickets on sale later

JEFF HARDY & LITA v. LANCE STORM & IVORY (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) in tame, non-profane intergender action - the lads start - gutshot by Storm, right, right, into the ropes, leg lariat. Cover, 2. Backbreaker. Storm making fun of Jeff to Lita...but Hardy gets the sitout jawbreaker when he turns back. Whip is reversed, but Hardy lands a flying clothesline. Dropkick puts Storm outside. Tags on both sides. Lita with a spear, mount, six rights, into the ropes, reversed, Ivory flips her up and Lita comes down with a scary flying headscissors. Tags on both sides - knockdown by Hardy, another right, into the corner is reversed, Hardy up and over and with a dropkick in the back of the head. Side Russian legsweep, split-legged legdrop to fold up Storm in a cover - Ivory breaks it at 2. Double leg by Hardy - going for the Speaking in Tongues double legdrop but Ivory is back in - Hardy lets go and gives HER a double leg takedown as Lita comes in - so there's stereo cross-gender double legdrops instead. Into the corner is reversed by Storm, but Hardy lands the Gay in the Gay for 2. Storm tries to break it up, but Hardy ducks - STORM ducks, Storm with a superkick - but only 2. Oh no, Storm has removed Hardy's cap! Into the ropes, Hardy slides under but Storm grabs his ankle...but Hardy hits the muleziguiri. Tag to Lita - off the top with the scary 'rana but Storm ends up thrown into his corner, so Ivory gets the tag. Lita ducks the punch - death suplex. Hardy bowls Storm over and out of the ring - then follows up with a pescado. Ivory into the corner, follow clothesline by Lita - scoop...and a slam - moonsault - 1, 2, 3. (3:14)

JONATHAN COACHMAN stands with Christian - he meets Tajiri tonight, but neither his European championship nor Tajiri's cruiserweight title is on the line. So what's the point of the match? "First of all, you will not refer to me as Christian, you will refer to me as Chris-TIAAAN! Champion of Europe. And the reason for this match is very simple. You see, a certain commissioner asked me to take that little ingrate Tajiri and dismember him. And that's exactly what I'm gonna do tonight. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to show New Jersey.... (dons Diamondbacks jersey) what a CHAMPIONSHIP jersey looks like."

Survivor Series ad - WHO WILL SURVIVE

Boy, they weren't kidding - two Xbox ads and we're back

Creed's "My Sacrifice" is the soundtrack for a Special Video Look at "WWF Desire"

CHRISTIAN (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. TAJIRI (with Torrie Samuda) in a nontitle match - Lockup, arm wringer by Christian, reversal by Tajiri, takeover, armbar - Christian out and rolling into a side headlock. Back to their feet - Tajiri with kidney punches out - powering out, Christian with a shoulderblock. Off the ropes, dueling hiptosses, neither hit, Tajiri flips up and over and lands a reverse kick. Tajiri with a double wristlock, drops down, legs under the arms...what the hell's that? We'll call it a reverse inverted surfboard for now - Tajiri shoves Christian forward, then rolls him up with the feet underneath the shoulders - 1, 2, Christian kicks out. Arm wringer by Tajiri - Christian elbows out - Tajiri whipped into the corner, Tajiri reverses, monkey flip countered and Christian sits him on the top rope - shoving him off, but Tajiri again catches the armpits with his boots and ends up flipping Christian out! Christian decides to walk Torrie's way, drawing him out of the ring - overhand right by Christian, right, head to the apron, rolled back in - field goal kick, stomp, stomp. Vertical suplex is countered as Tajiri goes behind, heel kick ducked, Christian with an elbow to the mush - Tajiri fires back with a thrust kick. Off the ropes, Tajiri with a Frankensteiner - Christian sends him into the ropes again, Tajiri lands the handspring elbow...for 2. Christian's the special host on Excess. Into the corner is reversed, but Tajiri ducks the clothesline and locks in the Highly Illegal Tarantula. Windup - Christian ducks the KICK and sets up Tajiri for the Slop Drop...Tajiri drops down himself (oops), two feet in the face, kick, windup - Christian ducks another KICK and hits the Unprettier for the 1, 2, 3. (2:56)

Steve Austin is WALKING! Stephanie meets him with Angle behind her (wearing his Austin hat). "Stone Cold! There you are, I, I could not find Kurt anywhere, I'm so sorry it took me that long." "I'm ready!" "Where were ya?" "Warming up for the match! What do you think?" "Warming up with her?" "NO!" "No!" "What kinda warming up were you doing?" "Stretching!" "I am offended you would even *suggest* such a thing." And off she walks. "See what you did?" "What's gotten into you-- who cares about her, what's gotten into you man?" "I was getting ready for our match." "NEVER MIND SHUT UP. I've already talked to Booker T and I've already talked to RVD. I think I've ruled them out and that leaves you." "Me for what?" "I don't have - I don't have my watch on." "I want to ask you about Survivor Series." "What about it?" "I want to talk to you - don't talk over me. I wanna talk to you about the Alliance. You gonna jump? You gonna run to the World Wrestling Federation? Try to be a big star, Mr. Red White and Blue? Are you gonna leave the organisation I worked so hard to start? ...oh yeah. Yeah, look at your little beady eyes. I fight you for three months straight. All of a sudden you start huggin' all over me like a...like...you know you start huggin' all over me? What's the deal?" "Give me a break!" "I ain't gonna give you a break, you know what I think? You know what I think, hot shot?" "You wanna know what *I* think? You wanna know what I think? I think you can take this stupid hat - and shove it!" He walks off. "What?"

And now, it's time for the Xbox Slam of the Week! From RAW, Austin gives Undertaker the Stunner before Angle is forced to tap out.

AWESOME UNDERTAKER WHO IS AWESOME (with Xbox presents Survivor Series in ten days) v. KURT ANGLE and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN - Taker dares Angle to come get some on his own, but he decides to wait on the ramp. Austin is out - brief discussion between the two - Austin whispers in Angle's ear - looks like a truce - they slap a high ten and both run to the ring...but Austin pulls up as Angle slides into the ring. Angle makes a long face as he realises what's just happened - and here we go. Soupbone! Soupbone! Into the ropes, big boot. Off the ropes with a legdrop. 1, 2, Angle kicks out. Austin is rooting him on but remains at the bottom of the ramp. Taker with an overhand forearm. Angle into the ropes, ducks, clutches the ropes and drops out at Austin's feet - then shoves Austin - Austin shoves back, Angle shoves. Taker isn't interested in waiting for the end of this discussion and goes out. Angle ducks the clothesline and Austin eats it. Soupbone for Angle anyway. One for Austin. Angle's head meets the steps. Block Austin, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone. Head to the barricade. Soupbone. Angle runs at him - Taker drops and dumps him over the barricade to the concrete. Austin thrown in the ring - Taker with a soupbone to the body. Back elbow. Replay of Angle's trip into the crowd. Arm wringer, yanking on the arm, another wring, up to the top and it's Old Skool time - forearm on the back of the neck from the top. 1, 2, no. Angle is in the corner now. Into the ropes, head down, Austin kicks. Taker tries a clothesline but Austin ducks - then clotheslines Taker out. Taker pulls Austin out - head to the commentary table. Angle leaps from the apron - Taker catches him and puts his back in the ringpost. Taker turns back and takes a clothesline from Austin. Austin puts Taker's head into the commentary table - now Angle does. Austin with a right, Angle with a right, Austin right, Angle right, Austin right. Austin rolls in and drops a boot on Taker. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner pulls Austin off to warn him about all these moves in the ropes - so Angle takes his opportunity to drive an elbow to the chest - twice. Austin back on him - kick in the chest - right - shoulder to the gut, shoulder, shoulder. Arm wringer, to the corner - Angle tags himself in - open kick - Austin adds an elbow. Angle right, right, Taker soupbone back, Angle right, Taker soupbone, soupbone, winds up...but Angle ducks and hits a German suplex. He's holding on - that's two! Angle maintains the waistlock...Taker tries to break it up - back elbow, back elbow DOES break it up - Angle swings and Taker ducks - gutshot, DDT! Both men are down and the count is on. Angle crawls to his corner - Austin is reaching out...and does get the tag! Right, right, right, right, into the ropes, Taker ducks, and hits the flying clothesline off the ropes! Soupbone, soupbone, clothesline! Clothesline for Angle, clothesline, head to the buckle, running to the opposite corner to clothlesline Austin, back to clothesline Angle, scoops up Austin...snake eyes! Big boot for Austin - cover - 1, 2, Angle breaks it up! Angle with a right, right, right, into the opposite corner, reversed, scooped up on the shoulder...and powerslammed down! 1, 2, Austin drops the hammer to break it up. Right by Austin, right, into the ropes, Taker ducks - choke! But Austin kicks the gut to evade the chokeslam. KICK WHAM NO Taker shoves him away...and he collides with Angle! Taker with the schoolboy as Austin bounces back - 1, 2, 3!! (6:58) Angle is quickly back on him - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, Austin joins him in a doubleteam stompdown. Angle grabs the hair and unleashes a series of rights. Austin shoves Angle away so he can have Taker - KICK WHAM STUNNER. Angle stands over Taker and gives him what for - Austin up behind Angle - KICK WHAM STUNNER ANGLE! Play Austin's music! He takes his vest AND his belt...and goes home. "What the hell are you doing, Austin? What the hell are you doing?" Replays of both Stunners. Austin back out - he's got two beers - and he drinks 'em both. We're out.

The Hardy Boyz are "the WWF's version of extreme - but are they soon to make you 'extremely upset?'" Find out in 22 minutes on the UPN 9 News!

Well, let's find out. Despite the teaser "WWF stars quiting?" which makes me wonder how quite can be used as a verb, the story is ACTUALLY referring to an eventual breakup of the team and not of anybody splitting in the "outta here" sense. They had a sitdown with UPN 9 (during last week's New York trip?) and here's your quotes:

Matt: We've done almost everything there is to do as a tag team, really, and I guess there'll come a time when Jeff Hardy goes his separate way and Matt Hardy goes his separate way.

Matt wants to eventually become WWF Champion, and that's a solo gig. Besides, they realise there comes a point where you don't need to see another Hardyz/Dudleyz match.

Jeff: I mean it feels like we've wrestled them over and over and over again.

Matt: We wrestle those guys a lot - I think this is the 2,689th time we've wrestled the Dudleyz.

We look at Jeff's hair and nails.

Jeff: We love going to those alternative-like places for clothes and stuff.

Reporter: Do alternative clothes, alternative hairstyles and a love of alternative music mean an alternative lifestyle? (What a great quote!) Well, some have questioned Jeff's sexuality.

Jeff: I really don't care what they think - if they think I'm, like some, a gay dude or, whatever, you know, it don't bother me. It's all good, you know....I'm totally...see-cure.

But what's up with the poetry?

Jeff: I started writing when Stone Temple Pilots the song actually, it was never a big hit or anything but there was a line in that... (song: take a bath, I'll drink the water that you leave) and I was just like "wow, that hit me so much" and I just went, grabbed a sheet of notebook paper, it was like "oh man, I wanna write something that'll make people, you know...feel something like I just did."

Matt's more of a normal guy - well, he thinks about the business, anyway

Matt: Every day I wake up, I'm living a dream. You know, how many people actually get to do that? Very few, you know. Even when my days of being in the ring down there are gone, you know, I wanna be involved in wrestling in some way, shape or form. You know, and I would love to give back all the knowledge that I've been given and learned over the years to, you know, young and hungry Matt and Jeff Hardys of the future.

Matt: We're two of the most un-country country boys you'll ever see...especially Jeff. With the blue hair.

Thanks, Dave Walker! Thanks, UPN 9 news! See you in six months (maybe)!

CRZ
[slash] wrestling