KINGS UPDATE: 12-4 (2 GB the Lakers, who I hate)

QUICK QUOTE: XOXO halted - damn, so much for me making it to "dot-com millionaire" status. Guess I'll have to settle for "dot-com former millionaire," but it's hard to get stressed when it was all just paper anyway....you know? Plus the losses get me out of paying taxes for...the rest of my life? Hot dog!

Network - day! Hey you know this'll probably be the only time we see Steffo tonight - kudos, sir!

TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Earlier Today, Vince fumed...while Ric Flair paid a visit. Wait, didn't I see this during Segment One of RAW? "Come on...you've been wanting to talk to me all day long, let me hear it, come on. Come on. Get it off your chest - you'll feel better. You'll feel better." "Then I'll tell you what! Let me tell you this. For all I know, my 50/50 partner was in with Stone Cold Steve Austin last Monday night on RAW. For all I know, you and Austin were in on this thing together. For all I know, you KNEW Austin wasn't gonna kiss my derriere. For all I know, you knew Austin was gonna take off his belt and beat my unblemished butt! I don't LIKE this. And by the way, there's something else I don't like. And that's tonight, my partner books this barbaric match, tonight on SmackDown! I don't like the fact that you take my good friend William Regal and put him in this...strap match with Stone Cold Steve Austin. I don't like that." "You don't. GOOD! 'cause I'm gonna tell you what I don't like! I don't like knowing that you want the whole World Wrestling Federation to kiss your ass! Hell, you want the whole world, period to kiss your ass! I don't like it, and I don't like the direction you're takin' YOUR 50% of this company! How 'bout that?" "Well you know what, then? Then you're not gonna like what I'm gonna do tonight, because tonight...there's gonna be a THIRD member joining the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club tonight on SmackDown! And...you're never gonna figure out who's gonna join tonight, pal, okay? But uh...it'll be entertaining - and speaking of being entertaining, one thing even you have to admit...you're partner has got a pretty nice ass, huh? Ha ha HAAA." "...and I am gonna admit...not that you have a nice ass but THAT YOU ARE - AN ASS - Woooo!" An uneasy staredown - hey, they're gonna KISS - oh, no they're not

Opening Credits are beautiful, people!

I GET LETTERS: Time again to hear from The Cubs Fan:

I noticed they changed around the Smackdown Open again on this week's show (maybe they did it last week, I wasn't paying attention, but a lot of the clips were from last week so I'm guessing not) and it now goes something like this:

Smackdown logo, up close.
Austin.
Alternating Smackdown logo, up close and Undertaker shots.
A frame or two of Sean O'Haire.
Undertaker.
Stacy Keibler.
IN: Vince McMahon (OUT: Shane McMahon.)
Kurt Angle.
Someone's nose and mouth
Someone/thing totally unrecoginizble for a frame.
Chris Jericho.
Jericho's video.
Chris Jericho.
Triple H entrance
Kurt Angle.
IN: William Regal (OUT: Booker T.)
Steve Austin.
Torrie Wilson.
Kane.
The Rock, taken from another video shot.
An unrecoginizble face
IN: Edge? Jeff Hardy? (OUT: Rhyno.)
IN: Faarooq
Alternating Arena (w/light flooding pyro) and Smackdown Logo shots
Lots of the Logo.
[All the "dark" house show footage tossed]
Shane McMahon being thrown through logo by Kurt Angle
Bradshaw hitting the Clothesline from Hell on Big Show
IN: Wassup Drop on RVD OUT: Chris Jericho hitting a missile dropkick on Rhyno while Jeff Hardy is out nearby
Rob Van Dam and Lance Storm giving Edge a conchairto
IN: Scotty with the Worm Face (OUT: Stephanie and Shane happy about something at a PPV.)
Rob Van Dam going for a five star frog splash.
Rock's head on a chair, post-Book End.
Rock, on the mat and in pain.
IN: Edge's wacky half nelson faceslam move (OUT: Rhyno, pre-match turnbuckle celebration.)
Chris Benoit, diving out of the ring and towards the floor
IN: Undertaker with the ankle lock on (OUT: Booker T down in pain and reaching out to Shane)
IN: People's Elbow on Bubba (OUT: Rock Bottom for Shane because he's not joining the Alliance)
Undertaker chokeslams Edge while Christian seems to be getting the same from Kane
Kane with a double chokeslam for Kaientai
Kane sets off the pyro.
Kane.
A couple different angles on the pyro.
Austin being held back by the Dudley Boys from attacking Kurt Angle.
IN: Ric Flair says WOO OUT: Sean O'Haire gets half way through a Swanton Bomb while Chuck Palumbo watches on
IN: Chris Jericho with the LionTamer on
Lita
Edge.
Triple H - stuff we saw before.
Edge (longer?)
(OUT: Sean O'Haire.)
IN: Austin with a crazy look on his face. (OUT: Rhyno gores Jericho through the old Smackdown Screen.)
Smackdown Logo
Kurt Angle
the Rock, in the ring.
IN: Kurt Angle, setting off his fireworks (OUT: DDP, setting off his fireworks.)
the Rock, celebrating in the ring.
IN: Undertaker with Old School on Austin. (OUT: Kurt Angle whipping Booker T into a table.)
Bubba with that look after putting someone through a table.
Albert going for the Baldo Bomb, but Tajiri shoots him down with red mist.
Kurt Angle yelling at someone from the ring
Chris Jericho.
A quick Kurt Angle.
The Rock says just bring it.
Triple H's entrance.
Steve Austin - zoom into his eye and we find the Smackdown logo.

Maybe I'm mistaking those Sean O'Haire frames at the beginning and it's someone else, because that's the only reason why I could think they'd still be around. Rhyno's disappearnce makes sense (though all of him being taking out made it apparent how much he strongly he was in there) but if they're bringing back Booker T rather soon (and it seemed like they were heading that way Monday), I wonder why they bothered to completely take him out. Maybe they'll put him back in if/when he's "rehired" but I'm not totally convinced. Not a good sign.

No pyro - pyro costs MONEY - STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN immediately heads to the ring. We're in the Kansas Coliseum in Wichita, KS 29.11.1 (taped 27.11) and SAP transmitito en espanol - this is WWF SMACKDOWN! TONIGHT: Strap match! Strap match! William Regal! Stone Cold Steve Austin! Strap match! Hey, there's no stage tonight - isn't that the international sign of "somebody drives something to the ring later in the show?" Austin hits all four corners as the commentators remind us of the three unification matches to take place at Ven gea nce. "I was at the Cracker Barrel restaurant today (cheap pop) - right after I put in an order - a double order of fried catfish ["What?"], green beans ["What?"], mashed potatoes ["What?"], extra gravy ["What?"], some corn on the cob ["What?"], and some more green beans ["What?"] - right after I put that order in, I sent that waitress to the back because I told her I wanted it to go, because I was in a damn hurry, because I had to come to the Kansas Coliseum to whip somebody's ass! And right before that waitress, right before that waitress took that order back so the cook could start it up, she said, she looked back at me, and she said 'Stone Cold,' and I said 'What?' ["What?"] She said 'Stone Cold, I sure am glad that you didn't kiss Vince McMahon's ass last Monday night.' And I told her, I said 'honey, you ain't got to never worry about Stone Cold Steve Austin kissing Vince McMahon's ass, 'cause that's something I just don't do.' Vince, I can't believe that you think a Steve Austin would be as stupid as a William Regal. I ain't never seen nothin' as pathetic as a William Regal. To come out here, get on his knees ["What?"], put on the ChapStik ["What?"] - get on his knees and kiss a Vince's McMahon's ass - it made me sick to my stomach! So since you and Vince are such good buddies, and since I whipped his ass Monday night, that means right here...In This Very Ring, in a strap match, I am gonna whip your little ass like it's never been whipped before! And gettin' on past that, everybody's talking about Ven gea nce. It's the undisputed championship - and I agree ["What?"] I agree ["What?"] I agree ["What?"] I agree ["What?"] I said I AGREE ["What?"] with the Rock! That's right, I agree with what the Rock said - Kurt Angle and Chris Jericho shoulda never been involved, but they are. I agree with ya, Rock, when you said it should be the two biggest names in the history of the World Wrestling Federation...it should be the Rock...in this corner right here, and in this corner, it should be Stone Cold Steve Austin. And, it's like, it's like the Nature Boy Ric Flair said ["Woooo!"] What? ["Woooo!"] What? ["Woooo!"] You're damn right, it's like Ric Flair said: to be the mean, you have to beat the man. And Rock, I know if you're standin' in this corner, you're thinking you're the man. I can understand that that's your opinion. Now if you go into this corner right here, Stone Cold Steve Austin thinks HE'S the man, and that's just the way it is. But what's happened is, Vince McMahon throws Kurt Angle into the mix and Stone Cold Steve Austin has to wrestle Kurt Angle first, so what I'm gonna do with Kurt Angle is beat his little ass. I'm gonna beat his ass 1, 2, 3 In This Very Ring. And then I'm gonna go to the back, and I'm gonna watch you, Rock. And you're gonna get in the ring with Chris Jericho - Y2J - and I gotta say, Rock, I got no favourites, but I hope you beat Y2J, because I want it to be Stone Cold Steve Austin against the Rock because it's gonna be bigger than WrestleMania was last year...AND, Rock, it's like you say, it's like you say 'FINALLY there will be one Undisputed Champion - I say that man is gonna be Stone Cold Steve Austin, and that's the bottom line, 'cause Sto--" KURT ANGLE interrupts at this point. "Hold on a second! Hello? Earth to Stone Cold - repeat - Earth to Stone Cold." "Come in, Earth." "Austin!" "What?" "At Ven gea nce, you're not gonna beat the Rock, oh no - you're not gonna beat Chris Jericho ["What?"] Shut up! ["What?"] And you know why? Because you're not gonna beat ME. ["What?"] Don't say it again! ["What?"]" "Well if you're feeling so brave, if you want Kurt Angle to bring his little ass to the ring right now so I can whip his ass, gimme a hell yeah!" Austin starts to listen to his watch. "Oh no, hold on, Austin, that ain't gonna happen. ["What?"] At Ven gea nce, I'm gonna make you tap out faster than Gregory Hines on speed! ["What?"] Yeah! ["What?"] Oh yeah! ["What?"] Oh DAMN yeah! ["What?"] And if you think you're gonna become the Undisputed Champion at Ven gea nce, ["What?"] shut up. ["What?"] You're dreamin'! ["What?"]" "If you thank that sum(beep) is the biggest red, white and blue jackass you've ever seen, gimme a hell yeah." "All right, if you think Kurt Angle is gonna whoop Stone Cold Steve Austin's ass at Ven gea nce and become Undisputed Champion, give me a hell, yeah!" "Hell, no!" "What?" "Hell, no!" "Shut up." "If you want Kurt Angle to get his ass outta this coliseum, gimme a hell yeah! Thank you very much, Kurt, and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so." Austin parts the ropes...but Angle doesn't move from his spot. Toss me two beers!

Catch the WWF live this week! Saturday, Detroit! Sunday, Champaign, Monday is RAW in Milwakuee! And Tuesday is Chicago!

TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST heads out to join the commentary team. We learn that X-Pac will host Heat from WWF New York on Sunday - he still has the light heavyweight title? WOW! Test says since he has immunity, he can do whatever he wants...so he's out. "Speaking of uncool, hey hey hey, it's Scotty and FAAAAAAAAT Albert..."

WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: SCOTTY 2 HOTTY (with Yaaaaaaaaaaalbert - and Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. CHRISTIAN - I smell an edit - side headlock into the ropes, powered out by Christian, shoulderblock by Hotty - off the ropes, up and over, leapfrog by Christian, dueling hiplocks, gutshot by Hotty, leg over the neck, flippy flippy, ducks a punch, right connects. Christian into the corner, reversal, Hotty evades the charge - off the ropes, Christian ducks the bulldog - catches the kick - and Hotty hits the enzuigiri. Christian out, Hotty out, Christian put in, shoulder to the gut, back to back over the ropes, but Christian ducks and hits a Slop Drop for 2. Forearm to the back, forearm, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, blatant choke, right, right, right. "Scotty" chant. Hotty comes back with a right - into the ropes is reversed, but Hotty hits a flying jalapeno - ducks a punch, gutshot, off the ropes with a somersault legdrop to the back of the head (wow!) for 2. Into the corner, but Christian gets the back elbow up. Feet on the ropes but Albert shoves them off before referee "Blind" Brian Webber can finish his count. Test gets up from the table and puts a forearm in HIS back and shoves him into the post - and there's the Wotsitolla Boot. Meanwhile, Hotty has Christian down after a superkick...and goes for Test - pulled up by the hair, stun gun - into the ringpost - Christian tries a sneak attack and Hotty puts HIM through the ropes to the outside. Bulldog for Test - happy dance - W - O - R - M - and so on....but before he can land the chop, Christian is back in from behind - there's the Unprettier - and there's a pin. (2:50) Post-match, Test has Christian lift Hotty up so he can give HIM a Wotsitolla Boot as well. Here's a replay of the Big, Big Boot.

Lita pays Jeff Hardy a visit. She's busy doing that "I'm a woman so I WORRY" thing. "It's Matt - you know, first I thought maybe just me and him were going through a hard time...but after how he acted towards you on Monday night, something's just going on with him. I don't know what it is, I'm worried about him." Jeff concurs - I think - he's all spacey and mumbly. Matt enters the room but hides behind some air. "But Jeff, I'm worried about you too. Come on, I know you don't like people gettin' in your business, but I mean...you went out there and wrestled on Monday night with a concussion - do you think you're ready to go out there tonight?" "I'm fine, Lita, you don't know how I feel, I'm okay." "Okay, it's your decision, but..." Matt sneaks up and puts an arm around each guy. "Geez, Matt!" "Yeah! Jeff'll be fine - Jeff'll be just super. Besides, tonight's the type of night you gotta suck it up and go on in. Ya know whut I mean? I've got us a #1 Contenders' match for the WWF tag team titles at Ven gea nce. You got a chance to redeem yourself, man. You know I've never steered us in the wrong direction - look at everything I've done for the team. We are the most popular-" "Wait, wait wait - Matt, who's the match against?" "The Big Show and Kane." "Are you serious?" "But that's nothing for the greatest tag team of all time. Look, I gotta finish gettin' ready. Catch up with you guys in a minute." "He sure is confident..."

"On December 9th, 2 great battles will rage and 2 victors will rise, not to celebrate, but to fight...again. For the first time in history, there will be an undisputed world champion." WWF Ven gea nce is only 10 days away!

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Vince gleefully rubs his hands together. There's a knock - it's Rob van Dam. "It's RVD!" "'sup, dude. You wanted to see me?" "Yeah I wanted to see you, but first of all, I'm not 'dude,' okay? I'm Mr. McMahon." "Oh, right." "And um, I wanted to see you, Rob, because I just wanted to bring to your attention - there have been several times where, like I've invited you to join me and--" "Yeah, thanks man, appreciate that." "--yeah, but you never have. You know, but, uh...so I - I want you to know I'm not the kind of man who holds a grudge or anything like that, and, and I wish you, quite frankly, all the luck in the world in your title defense against Bubba. Okay? Bubba Dudley. Best of luck do you." "I'm out there winning matches, you know..." "Yeah!" "I'm still the Whole Dam Show." "Oh God, yes you are." "I like the way things are going, you know, so..." "And I just wanna wish you good luck at Ven gea nce." "Oh...at Ven gea nce? The pay per view?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Nobody..." "I forgot to tell ya?" "Whassup." "You've got a match at Ven gea nce with....THE UNDERTAKER." "The Undertaker?" "Ha ha ha - yeah - ha ha ha ha!" "....okay. That's cool." "What do you mean - what do you mean 'that's cool?' What do you mean?" "Well...what am I gonna do? I mean, I'm just gonna have to beat him again, you know, like I did last time, remeber? Yeah. Yeah. I'm Points To Self." "Get outta my office! Get outta my office and stay the hell outta my office!"

Meanwhile, Regal and Angle share a moment. "I can't wait to get my bloody hands on that Stone Cold Steve Austin. I mean, after what he'd done to me, and after what he did to Mr. McMahon the other night, I'm gonna make a right bloody example out of him." "You better. And you know what? In ten days, I'm gonna beat Austin for the WWF title, and then I'm gonna go on and become the Undisputed Champion, oh it's true. Look who it is! My opponent for tonight! Hey there, Edge. Guess what? Tonight, I get to make an example out of you." "Oh really?" "Yeah. Do you know who you're talking to? Do you know who you're talking to? Huh?" "Actually, you know what? I DO know who I'm talking to. I know that YOU are the charter member of the Vince McMahon ass kissing club. And Kurt, with those hefty set of lips, if you ran for president, you'd be a shoe-in of that very club!" Right for Regal, right for Angle, right - Angle shoves Edge back into the cabinet - and then Regal lays into Edge with the straps. The usual suspects break it up - HOLY CRAP Charles Robinson in a WWF referee's shirt - BUT BUT HE WAS FIRED BUT I guess it'd be too much to ask somebody to...oh oh, here's that word....WRITE a storyline explaining how these fired WCW officials have suddenly gotten jobs with the WWF.......I mean, crap. HEY GUYS! OTHER wrestling companies used to treat their viewers like STUPID IDIOTS, and golly, I wonder - are THEY in business now? ARE THEY? HMMMMM Anyway, Angle promises Edge that there's more where that came from. Then he hits the punchline. "That's gonna leave a mark." Here, let me put this in big bold print for the people who might otherwise skim by it so you can see I think this is important:

THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK WHO WRITE THIS CRAP ARE SO BUSY LOOKING FOR THE FUNNY FUNNY THAT THEY ARE LEAVING GAPING PLOT HOLES FOR ME TO BITCH ABOUT AND THIS IS WHY I AM STARTING TO THINK THEY ARE LIKE SUCKING

(Hey, and I know a lot of you are like "only NOW you're STARTING?" but respect our differences, winky.)

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The WWF Slam of the Week is brought to you by XBOX! From RAW, Rob van Dam takes a lot of punishment...but manages to defeat D-Von Dudley to retain his hardcore championship.

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (with Stacy Dudley) v. POINTS TO SELF - Q: Why does Stacy come out with Bubba Ray but not with D-Von? A: RACISM Dudley strikes first with a clothesline. Neckbreaker. "RVD" chant. Head to the buckle, open-handed slap, right, slap, forearm in the back. Into the opposite corner, boot up by van Dam, vaults to the top...and Dudley shoves him off, over the post and into the barricade! Dudley rolls him back in and asks Stacey to hand him a chair. Back in the ring - van Dam swings - but Dudley catches him - wow, butterfly suplex with release by Dudley! Dudley puts the chair over van Dam's face and goes to the OH NO NOT THE SECOND ROPE NO NO THAT SENTON *NEVER* HITS NO NO well he tried the senton and missed. "Here, catch this," says van Dam - van Daminator connects - 1, 2, 3. Wow, that was short. (1:45) Post-match, I STILL THINK UNDERTAKER IS AWESOME rolls in on his chopper (was THAT why there's no stage?) with his hood up - into the ring - and putting van Dam in a corner! Soupbone, back elbow, soupbone, back elbow, soupbone - he learned that from Test! Taker goes out...and brings a garbage can into the ring. On the mat. Got van Dam - whoa - LAST RIDE ONTO THE TRASHCAN. van Dam is dead. Hey, you know what? I bet Undertaker could cover him right now and van Dam would STILL kick out after 2. "Rob....me 'n' you, we gotta talk. Ya see, you got a lot to learn here if you wanna survive in the WWF. You got to learn how to respect authority. Now we're gonna consider this your first lesson. At Ven gea nce, you'll graduate with honours. You....and everybody else WILL respect me!" Play "Rollin'!" *I* respect you, Dead Man. *I* respect you. Replay of the dustbinbomb. How can you tell Undertaker's back to the dark side? He doesn't use his headlight.

UP NEXT: Edge vs. Kurt Angle!

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Local ad for the 8 December house show reveals that the main event has changed from Rock/Austin to Rock & Austin/Angle & Jericho. D'oh! Anyway, there's UPN44 wants to give YOU two ringside seats - hit upn44.tv to enter the contest! If you win, TAKE ME! And if you DON'T win, lesser seats are STILL available!

MOMENTS AGO! Four paragraphs ago

Backstage, JONATHAN COACHMAN has Ric Flair. After sucking up, he asks for his reaction? "Well, first of all thank you, but let me tell you this: I'm HUGE on the word 'respect.' If the Undertaker wants respect, I'm sure he'll get it from Rob van Dam, but tonight, I want one of these young bucks to volunteer to climb that ladder! You wanna get big-time in the World Wrestling Federation? Then one of you guys volunteer to wrestle the Undertaker tonight. That's respect. Woooo!"

KURT ANGLE (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box and SAP transmitido en espanol - AND Earlier Tonight!) v. KING EDGE in a nontitle match - Angle tries to rush Edge but misses - armdrag by Edge, clothesline, duck, right, into the ropes, reversed into a fireman's carry by Angle. Edge with an elbow, elbow, into the ropes, dropkick! 1, 2, Angle kicks out. Right by Edge, kick, into the opposite corner is reversed but Edge get the feet up - second rope - no, Angle catches him - going for the belly-to-belly but Edge blocks THAT - Edge manages to pull Angle into the reverse Slop Drop for 2. Angle manages a gutshot - and a right. Right hand. Right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, knee by Edge, front face - Angle blocks, blocks, standing switch to a waistlock - German suplex! Angle hits the headlock. Coming up, Trish Stratus vs. Jacqueline, and Big Show & Kane vs. the Hardy Boyz for the tag title #1 contendership! Edge is back to his feet - right, right, right, off the ropes, rollup - 1, 2, no! Angle ducks a clothesline - BIG belly-to-belly spike. "Wooow!" Edge into the ropes - no, pulled back into ANOTHER belly-to-belly suplex. Angle jaws with the crowd. Edge put into the ropes - reversed - Edge with a powerslam! Both men down and referee "Blind" Tim White puts on the count. Both men up at 5. Edge ducks a swing, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, but Edge hits the Viscera! Clothesline! Angle ducks the next one, but Edge counters the waistlock into the Edge-o-matic for 2! Angle put into the ropes, dropkick MISSES when Angle holds on. "Angle sux!" chant. Angle wants the Anglock but Edge manages to stay on his back - and finally kicks him away - Angle hits the turnbuckle, and falls backwards into a small package - 1, 2, NO! KISS ASSMAN is out as Edge lands another right. Whip into the corner is reversed, Edge out of the way on the charge - SPEAR! 1, 2, Regal puts Angle's foot on the ropes. Edge wants to know why the hell Regal's out there. Angle tries another charge but Edge has eyes in the back of his head (or he's watching the big screen), steps aside and puts Angle over the top into Regal!! Edge outside, Angle back in, but Regal puts a left hand into the kidneys - OHHHH BRASS KNUX - THE KNUX WERE ON!! Edge back in - Olympic Slam - 1, 2, 3! (5:26) Replay confirms it - brass knux are an old school CLASSIC and I'm surprised it took somebody this long to think of including it in an angle - oh wait, I know why - there ARE no brass knuckles in soap operas!

Trish Stratus is WALKING!

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WWF WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL v. JACQUELINE...? - Champ enters first because of - yes - RACISM. But before Jackie comes out, "No Chance in Hell" plays and THE ASS walks out. Lawler wonders if he's here to induct her into the VMKMAC - maybe we'll get lucky and he'll just make her bark like a dog instead. Vince takes Chimel. "I'll give this back to you in a minute. Take a seat for just a minute. Well..hey Trish, how ya doin'. We'll get to your business in just a minute. I wanted to take this opportunity to come out and let you know that, uh - tonight, here, In This Very Ring... ["Ass hole!"] All right, but nonetheless, a third individual will indeed join the Vince Mcmahon Kiss My Ass Club. But that's all right because when I take my jacket off...when I drop my drawers ["What?"] all you women...you'll be saying, you know what? ["What?"] Mr. McMahon, you really do have a nice looking ass. ["What?"] As a matter of fact, Trish, I think you'd probably agree with, uh, that assessment, after all, you and I...we go back a ways, don't we? I mean I distinctly remember you telling me sometime in the past when - when we had a closer relationship, I remember you telling me that I had a nice ass. Didn't ya?" "Yeah...I did." "Yeah, right. And uh, if you recall, though, I said to you that I thought you had a voluptuous derriere yourself. You know, Trish, quite frankly, you think about all the - the good times we've had together. I mean, I've got to say...baby, you can be on FIRE. That tiny little waist, Trish...and the smell of your hair. Oh yeah, Trish, and I also remember the sensitivities of your neck. (kiss) Yeah, Trish...we really had some good times together, hadn't we? And uh, then - and then there was WrestleMania. Oh did I forget about WrestleMania? Did I forget about the fact that you slapped me in my face, did I forget about that? Guess who's gonna join the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club tonight, Trish? It's YOU, Trish - that's who it is - it's gonna be YOU. Oh yeah! And I'm not asking you to do anything that...you haven't done in the past, maybe under different circumstances when we were a little closer, all right, and - and maybe this is out here in public, okay? but you know what? I know you like being the Women's champion, don't you, honey? Makes you feel good, it makes you feel proud in all your accomplishments, and uh... Did I leave out the part I want you to get on your knees. Did I leave that part out, Trish? C'mon...c'mon now, be a good girl. Now, just get down...on - your - knees. It won't hurt! It won't hurt...others have done this. It's not such a big deal. Just get - on - your - knees." And she does. "Now then, I'm gonna unbuckle my belt." And HE does. "I'm gonna undo my pants. I'm gonna unzip my pants." Wow, he's doing his own play-by-play - what a time saver! "IF YA SMELLLL...." and who'da thunk we'd be saved by THE ROCK? Stratus takes off - I guess no match tonight. Vince's pants are around his ankles - he'd like to pull them up, but... "Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa - whoa - you LEAVE your pants DOWN! Now stand up and look the Rock in the eye. ["Rock E!"] You wanted Trish Stratus - a woman - the Woman's Champion - to get down on her knees and kiss your ass? The Rock knows if you had it your way, you would want everyone in this arena to get in the middle of this ring, get down on THEIR knees and kiss your ass!" Vince nods and pantomimes. "Well why don't you ask THE ROCK to get down on his knees and kiss your ass? You're probably wondering, Vince, why the Rock asked you to keep your pants down. Well the Rock says, walk to the middle of the People's Ring, and he'll TELL you exactly why. Ahhhhshhhhhhhhhhhh...come on, Vince. Walk." Vince shakes his head. "Come on and walk. The Rock says WALK!" So Vince does the pants around his ankles waddles. "Now the Rock knows you LOVE humiliating people. The Rock saw what you did to Jim Ross last Monday night. The Rock knows what you wanted to do to Trish Stratus tonight. But the Rock says if anyone in this world should be humiliated, it's you. And the reason why the Rock wanted you to walk in the middle of the ring with your pants down is because it's much easier for the Rock to take an object, turn it sideways, and stick it straight up your candyass!" Vince sneaks in a gulp - he CAN'T RESIST "But now the question is, is what type of object should it be? The Rock knows we're here in Kansas, and the Rock noticed something when he was driving around. He noticed a lot of...corn fields. Does anyone know where the Rock can find an ear of corn to stick up Vince's (beep)? Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa - whoa. The Rock's not gonna VIOLATE you with an ear of corn, you SICK FREAK. You know what, Vince? The jokes are over. The Rock came out here 'cause he wanted you to feel what it's like to feel humiliated. So seeing as you now know what it's like to be humiliated... ["Rock E!"] ...the Rock says, on behalf of the next Undisputed Champion...on behalf of Jim Ross, on behalf of Trish Stratus, and more importantly than that, on behalf on the millions - and millions, the Rock has one thing to say..." ROCK BOTTOM! PEOPLE'S ELBOW! Play his music! Ummm...but he didn't SAY anything! CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO is out with a chair, but Rock manages to get the first right - right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Waiting for Jericho to get up...but Vince sneaks in an uppernut! Jericho has the chair again - WHACK! RIGHT IN THE ROCK'S HAND! Oh I mean, head. Geez, that's a bad camera angle. Jericho puts the chair on Rock's body, removes his shirt, goes off the ropes, off the ropes, and drops an elbow on the chair! Wait...IIIIIIII get it! CHRIS JERICHO IS IMITATING BOOKER T!!! "Well, Therock...even though you're seeing stars spinning around your head right now, just remember that the biggest star of them all is ME - Y - 2 - J!" Play HIS music! Rock has some blood coming from his nose - can't figure out how it got there unless Jericho opened up his hand and then he put it to his nose....oh we're at an ad break

MOMENTS AGO! See previous paragraph

HARDY BOYZ (with Lita) v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW and KANE HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO TONIGHT - The Hardy Boyz weighed in at 441 pounds. Big Show weighs in at 500 pounds. HMM. Cole says Kane ain't taking about his brother. Matt starts with Kane - lockup, Kane takes him to the corner, right, kick, uppercut, back elbow, chasing away referee "Blind" Jack Doan when he deigns to attempt to enfore the rules. That's enough for Matt to try the comeback - right, right, Kane with an uppercut. Into the ropes, head down, kick by Hardy - off the ropes but into Kane's big boot. Head between the legs - powerbomb..is evaded when Matt goes down the back - going for a sunset flip...Jeff in with a clothesline - 1, 2, no. Jeff gets in a free shot on Show as well before going back to his corner. Kane's clothesline ducked. Gutshot by Hardy - wants the Twist of Fate but Kane's not ready - there's a bodyslam. Head to the buckle - tag to Show. Well it's the big kick. Well it's the big press...hold...and drop - but Hardy lands on his feet! Dropkick! Tag to Jeff - ducks a clothesline, but Show catches the crossbody - well it's the big bodyslam. Hardy put between the ropes - Matt in to try to stop him with a forearm in the back - Show swats him away. Well it's the big scoop...and front slam on Jeff. 1, 2, Matt breaks it up - Show chases him away. Jeff put in the corner. Well it's the big open-handed slap. Show pulls him out - Jeff tries to reverse the whip but Show pulls him back - Jeff ducks, second rope, Gay in the Gay connects! Tag to Kane, hot tag to Matt - Hardy ducks, right, right, right, whip into the corner is reversed, but Matt gets the boot up - climbing up top - moonsault connects - 1, 2, no! Gutshot, Twist of Fate attempt is AGAIN shoved away, but Jeff makes a blind tag off the ropes - Kane with the choke - Jeff from behind with forearms and rights - into the roeps, double back elbow by the Hardys. They try to tie him in the ropes - this doesn't work well but Kane's too stupid to free himself anyway. Doubleteam, until Show fixes to come in - double baseball slide to the ankles puts Show on the floor. Back to Kane - Show back in - double clothesline ducked - double gutshot - they're not gonna suplex him - no, they don't - SHOW DOUBLE SUPLEXES THEM!! Show runs at Matt, but he drops down and Show goes outside over the top! Meanwhile, Kane shoves Jeff to the mat - over to Matt - forearm. Lita wants the Cheatacanrana but Kane catches her and gently places her back on the top turnbuckle. Lita is suitably spooked. Jeff with a dropkick to the back to Kane - unfortunately running him right into Lita, who falls to the floor. Matt wants to crawl to Lita, but Show has his ankle - Jeff tries Poetry in Motion off Matt ANYWAY, but eats Kane's big boot. Kane covers - 1, 2, 3! (4:45) I gotta say, I didn't expect Kane & Show to get a tag team title shot at the pay-per-view. Here's your replay of Lita falling, and Jeff eating the boot.

"Please don't try this at home" PSA

You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!

Quick trip to Times Square.

4 superstars - 3 championship matches - 2 titles - 1 undisputed champion - The graphic don't lie: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Kurt Angle, The Rock and Chris Jericho are the men involved, and wwfvengeance.com is the website!

Team Xtreme recovers backstage - well, maybe not. Matt first: "What the hell are you doin'?" "What the hell are YOU doin'?" "What are you talking about, this is all your fault! It's all your fault we're not wrestling for the WWF tag team titles, it's all your fault Lita got hurt as well, Jeff. Another stupid decision that you made--" "It's always my fault, isn't it, Matt! It's always been my fault. You want a match at Ven gea nce so bad? You got one!" "With who - you?" "You'll see what I can do. But you'll FEEL what I'm gonna do to YOU!" Matt makes the "what the heck did he just say face?" then tells Lita "What a sore loser."

Your commentators are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. Let Us Take You Back to RAW and recap the doings between McMahon and Austin...and the Dudleys, Christian, Test, Regal, Angle...Vince's pixellated buttocks...and the Undertaker.

Tazz is WALKING! Now how did I KNOW he was gonna volunteer. Flair proclaims it "...awesome - Woooo!" "Woooo!" "Woo!" "Woow!" "Woooo!" "You win - good to meetcha. Thank you."

Ven gea nce promo #2

RealSounds Arena ad #3

The WWF Smack of the Night is presented by NORELCO! From Earlier Tonight, Undertaker gets in his licks against Rob van Dam

TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (with SmackDown! is brought to you by Foot Locker, truth, and Xbox) v. THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER WHO IS AWESOME - Taker walks to the ring. Wow, seeing Charles Robinson out there in a WWF zebra shirt with NO EXPLANATION WHATSOVER just makes me furious. In fact, I'm not gonna recap this match - you and I both know what's gonna happen anyway. Nah, okay, here we go: Comical staredown to start. Taker piefaces him. Tazz pops back up - righ,t right, right, righ,t right, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, into the oppostie corner is reversed but Tazz gets the elbow up, right, right, right, right, off the ropes....into the big boot. Off the ropes, big elbowdrop...MISSES! Tazz hooks the leg - 1, 2, no! Tazz grabs a front facelock - Taker picks him up and crotches him on the top rope - then kicks him after the hard landing. "Now we goin' to school, boy" - that's pretty cool. Blatant choke. Taker outside - elbow to the face as Tazz lies across the apron - there's another. Taker back in - opening up most orifices in his face. Small of the back into the turnbuckle - Tree of Woe - kick to the gut. Taker brings him back in. Arm wringer...crowd's throat rises as Taker reaches the corner...but Taker waves his hand as if to say "hell with you, I ain't DOIN' Old Skool no more." Tazz tries again - right, right, right, but a soupbone stops all that. Head to the buckle. Irish whip into the opposite corner - boot up but Taker catches it - and unleashes a clothesline. 1, 2, Taker PULLS HIM UP!! Damn, he's found a way to become even more awesome! I HEART UNDERTAKER! Arm wringer - "NOWWWW we're going to school!" Second rope - pause for reaction - top rope - fans are now BOOOING. Awesome. Tazz PULLS Taker off and back into the ring!! TAZZMISSION!! Taker flails about and they tumble through the ropes - but Tazz keeps it locked in (sorta)! Taker around the ring - Tazz on his back - but Taker backs him into the barricade to break it up. Bearhug...and back into the STEEL ringpost. Tazz rolled back in...choke - CHOKESLAM - leg is hooked but probably unnecessary - 1, 2, 3. (4:40) Taker upends the STEEL steps just for the hell of it post-match...no, wait, I think he's got a plan. Steps in the ring - and take SLAMS them into Tazz' shoulder. Play his music again! We'll give that a replay.

William Regal is WALKING!

"SmackDown! Just Bring It" ad #2

WILLIAM REGAL (with Lugz presents Ven gea nce in just ten days!) v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN in a Caribbean Strap Match - Regal tries to whip Austin before he gets in the ring - Austin backs off. Austin tosses his title belt at Regal...but misses. "Austin" chant. Regal finally tosses Austin's end his way...then pulls it away when Austin reaches for it. Again Austin reaches - and again Regal pulls it away. Austin reaches a THIRD time - and when Regal pulls it away Austin just runs into him - right, right, right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp - and over the top rope to the floor. Austin out after him - head to the commentary table. Head to the commentary table again. Austin has the strap - no, using it to choke Regal instead of putting it on - and over the barricade we go! Right, right, right, right, Regal fires back left, left, left, knee by Austin, chop, they're FAR from all four corners now. Forearm in the back of the neck by Austin, forearm, whip, whip, whip, whop, forearm, whip, whip, and back over the barricade. Austin goes back to...pat some kid on the head? The camera doesn't catch it. But as he's back over, Regal fires back with a forearm - head to the commentary table, choke with the strap - and back in. Austin manages to get back out the adjacent side - then pull Regal by the strap into the post. And again, pulled into the post! Whip! Whip! Whip! Knee, head to the STEEL steps. Whip in the chest. "Gimme some beer!" Austin hands referee "Blind" Earl Hebner a beer in the hope he'll chill out - it doesn't work. Austin towns his after a toast - then clocks Regal with it. Austin removes the commentary table top - pulls Regal up top - forearm in the back, forearm, forearm, going for a piledriver (!) but Regal manages the back bodydrop to turn it around. The strap FINALLY goes around Austin's wrist - Regal with the whip, whip, whip, whip - and now they're in the ring. Whip! Kick, European elbow, again, and Austin goes down. "What?" chant. Regal goes for the suplex, but Austin lands on his feet - KICK WHAM Regal shoves him off - back elbow connects. One corner, two corners, oops Regal doesn't see the strap is between his legs - Austin yanks - owch. Austin with the tug - HOLY SHIT Regal was supposed to do the full flip out but lands on his head instead. Austin stomps, stomp, stomp, stomp. Austin hogties Regal with the strap! Drag..one corner, two corners....Regal not having much luck moving ...so he grabs the bottom rope and hangs on. Austin stops and goes back - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Regal untied. Austin right, into the ropes is reversed, and Regal puts Austin outside...then pulls him back in by the strap. Austin brought in the hard way - stomp by Regal. Whip! Whip - Austin with an eyepoke - Austin wraps his fist - right, right, right, knee by Regal, off the ropes with another knee. WHIP! Whip! Whip! Austin put into the ropes, head down, kick by Austni - into the ropes is reversed, and Regal manages a clothesline with the strap. Regal pulls Austin up - then uses the strap for a modified Union Jack. One corner, two corners ("Regal sux!"), three corners...but Austin pulls him back - SPINEBUSTER! One corner by Austin, two, Regal from behind - Austin's trick knee acts up - three, Regal tries one last time - KICK WHAM STUNNER - FOUR CORNERS! (7:33) Before Austni can enjoy another beer, KURT ANGLE is out - from behind with a forearm, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp, stomp, stomp, Regal joins in for a doubleteam. Crowd chants "Rock E!" but instead it's KING EDGE come back to get him some revenge on Regal - clothesline - SPEAR! Regal goes outside. Meanwhile, Angle wants a German suplex on Austn - but he elbows back - then gets to whipping with the strap. Then he tosses Angle out over the top. Play his music! Did we just start an Edge/Regal feud? Oh well, credits are up - we'll worry about it later...

CRZ
[slash] wrestling