STATIC - oh, wait here it is...UPN - Thursday!

TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

LAST MONDAY: Jericho Jericho Jericho go read the RAW report Jericho about three minutes long Jericho hell toupee

Opening Credits are Beautiful, People!

I CAN'T MAKE THE WORD "SEADAWG" WORK WITH PYRO - Coming to you from the Centennial Garden Arena in (ugh) Bakersfield, CA 13.12.1 (taped 11.12) and SAP! transmitido en espanol on the United Parmount Network (dig that CRAZY TANNENBAUM LOGO BABY) THIS is WWF SMACKDOWN!

TONIGHT: The Rock and Rob van Dam team up to take on Chris Jericho and the Undertaker! WHY? Maybe we'll find out later! But first, ANOTHER what'sthepoint tag pairing...

KURT ANGLE and KISS ASSMAN v. RIKASHMONEY and KING EDGE (with Rob Zombie CD cover) - After a thorough search of Regal by referee "Blind" Mike Chioda...Kurt Angle passes him the pair of brass knux. Man, heels can be so CRAFTY sometimes. Pier Four brawl to start - Rikishi with Angle on the outside, Edge with Regal on the inside - at last until Regal gets tossed. Angle's head meets the commentary table. Angle seeks refuge in the ring...then makes the tag before Rikishi can catch him. Kick by Regal, elbow, elbow, double into the ropes, Rikishi runs through both men and hits a double clothesline. Regal manages another elbow, though...and Angle connects with a clothesline that sends Rikishi into a triple spin. Stomp by Regal, stomp, stomp, tag. Angle with a right, right, chop, chop, right, right, right, off the ropes...ducks a Rikishi clothesline - DOUBLE clothesline and both men are down. "Regal sux" - or is it an "Angle sux" chant? Tag to Regal, hot tag to Edge! Clothesline by Edge, clothesline, down to his knees, right, right, right, right, back up for a shot to Angle, elbow for Regal, angle gets in a gutshot but Edge counters the Olympic Slam attempt, shoves him into Regal, spears Regal, hooks a leg and gets the 1, 2, 3. Yikes! (1:59) Angle immediately rams Edge into the post - but Rikishi is back in - right, into the corner, avalanche...flump. Raise the roof yo raise the roof yo got my wedgie goin'...but Regal makes the save. Quick elbows - pass off to Angle, who holds him while Regal puts on his knux...oops, of course Rikishi ducks and Angle gets knocked out instead. Regal takes a Rikishikick...and a stinkface. But Regal manages to get up and give Rikishi a knuxshot as well! Now EDGE is back in and he's got a chair - WHACK! For added insult, Edge gives Regal an Edgecution on the chair. Regal quickly works up some big-time (possibly fake) blood. The cameras go blurry 'cause this is a TV-PG show and you don't need to see that much blood at 8.11. NEVER GONNA STOP!

Vince and Booker T arrive - the security (complete with dogs) surround them. Ha ha, they dis Bakersfield! "Tonight, it ain't gon' be the same." Vince tells the security guys to tighten up - there's a madman on the loose, and his name is Stone Cold Steve Austin! The dog almost goes for Vince when he gets worked up - that would have been HIGHLY amusing, but oh well. Inside they go...

THQ's "SmackDown! Just Bring It" ad

Gundam - Level 0 - only make fun of it

When we come back, Regal complains that his nose is broken - and takes a stretcher ride to the hospital

Meanwhile, Vince, Booker and Security are WALKING! Flair catches up to them and gives a wary Vince a handshake...and touches up the fists with Book. Flair says after seeing how they were on Monday, he's set up a special box for them tonight. Dig that bakersfield.com logo in the background! Flair takes them into the WWF Suite - Vince thinks Austin is behind the door and tells the men with the dogs to take a hunk out of his BUTT - but there's no Austin there. Flair says Vince has got it all wrong - he's just trying to make things right, and they WILL coexist. Vince asks "What about...?" and makes the flying fist. Flair says that's all over. Flair says he's gonna learn how to coexist the McMahon way. "It's your show! I'm just gon' be part of it." "If it's my show, then I'm the boss." "You're the boss. This is on me." Vince warms up to it - another handshake. "I can learn things real fast."

Meanwhile, Lita is alone with her thoughts...and her coffee. Test, finding her alone, makes the "yes" fist to himself, then approaches. "Hey, Lita. Listen, I wanted to talk to you. I know what you're going through with Matt. I know it's really hard, listen. Relationships, I been there. And I just wanted to let you know. If you ever wanna go out sometime, I'm available." Lita says she just needs to be by herself - and thanks him. "No, no, Lita, listen. I don't think you understand. When are you gonna get the opportunity to go out with a guy that looks...like me? I mean, I promise you. Once you go Test...you forget about the rest." Lita again expresses appreciation for the offer, but says she's better off by herself. "What are you, kidding me? I've seen the way you look at me, look at you walkin' around here with your blue underwear hangin' out. What kinda message do you think you're sending me? You're some kinda tease, that's exactly what you are, you're a tease. Oh please, Lita, I see the way you look at me in the ring - backstage - I know you want me - what's the big deal? What, are you gonna hit me now? C'mon baby, hit me, I love it rough, yeah, right there, I'm waiting. Come on." Test opens his eyes to see Jeff Hardy's joined Lita. "Lita's not gonna hit you...but I will!" "Oh ho, easy, Lance Romance, don't get hot 'cause I'm hittin' on your girlfriend. She's not my girlfriend, all right? She's a friend. Hey, you like intimidatin' women so bad? Why don't you try intimidatin' me...in the ring." "All right, tough guy, why don't you bring your little girlfriend with you, too."

Wait a minute...what'd he just say?

"Best of the WWF 2001: Viewer's Choice" airs New Year's Eve on the New TNN! I wonder if the r.s.p-w Match of the Year will be a part of the show?

Spike Dudley wishes you happy holidays! Thanks, UPN! It was kinda funny seeing Spike during "Enterprise" last night as well...

WWF CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: TAJIRI (with Torrie Samuda) v. CRASH (with Royal Rumble onsale ad) - hmm, it's the "WWF" Cruiserweight championship now. Also, there's a title graphic that not only has a big ol' J-MAR ad included in it, but the "WCW" is kinda airbrushed out with this WWF logo superimposed on top. Ha! Also, Crash apparently outweighs Tajiri 215 to 201. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Well, here we go: Lockup, Tajiri grabs the waistlock. Tajiri with a chickenwing takeover, to a chinlock, Crash grabs a knee and takes him down from there, but Tajiri has a headscissors - but Crash cartwheels out of THAT. Whoa, too quick. Tajiri nips up - armdrag down for Crash, pops up and sweeps Tajiri's legs as he comes in, cover, kickout at zero, gutshot by Crash - Tajiri into the corner but he goes up and tries to stick a headscissors - Crash presses him off and onto the apron - Tajiri takes a hot shot and falls outside. Torrie over to check - Crash out and chasing her away - what a bully! Everybody back in - forearm in the back by Crash. Head to the buckle. Kick. Into the - no, back to the first corner. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker gets 2. Crash argues the count with referee "Blind" Charles Robinson. In the corner - kick, kick, kick, kick. Crash climbs up, but Tajiri scoots out while he's doing that - Tajiri Tree of Woes him - kick - running start on the baseball slide to the face. Slap - Crash slaps back - Tajiri slap - Crash's clothesline is DUCKED - Tajiri's kick ducked - gutshot by Crash - into the ropes, but Tajiri comes off with the handspring elbow! Into the corner, Crash runs after him but Tajiri is up - and down into the tarantula! Tajiri breaks it quickly, of course...winding up for the KICK but Crash ducks (!) - from his knees, it's Crash with a kick to the chest. Tajiri put into the ropes, no, reversal, Crash ducks he clothesline, Frankensteiner but Tajiri limbos under the pin attempt and bridges up - Tajiri off the ropes - Frankensteiner of his own - HE'S got the legs - 1, 2, 3! Champ retains. (2:35) Vince seems surprised - or perhaps he's wondering who the heck those little fellers in the ring are. Tajiri's celebration is short-lived, as Crash puts an elbow in the back - then tries to get him some of Torrie. But the lights go out! "Stand back, there's a HURRICANE coming through!" When the lights are back up, he's back - standing on the top turnbuckle - flying splash for Crash - thumbs up for Torrie - Eye of the Hurricane to Crash. One more thumbs up - through the ropes and away - Torrie makes her "I want to fuck him!" smile after him. Booker and Vince are confused.

Meanwhile, Flair seems frustrated that his monitor isn't working (maybe) - there's a knock at the door...again, it's Lance Storm. Flair wants to know why he went to his house, followed him to the grocery store and called him up on his cel. "I don't like you, I don't have time for you, I don't wanna see you again." "Just hear me out - did you hire Hurricane back? Don't-- Tell me you didn't hire Hurricane back." "Yeah, I hired Hurricane back." "And you won't give me a chance? I'm bigger than Hurricane - I used to tag with the guy, I carried him...ask anybody, I carried him." "There is currently a shortage of WWF superheroes. That's why I hired Hurricane! Now leave me alone." Storm says he's read to go again, if he could just get one more chance... Flair agrees: one last chance. But if he comes back after he gets beat, he's gone woooo! forever woooo!

Jakks Pacific WWF RealSounds Arena ad

Don't miss out on a chance to experience the WWF LIVE! Monday, RAW comes atcha from Lafayette! Tuesday is New Orleans! A week from tomorrow, it's Miami! And a week from Saturday, it's Orlando!

Vince talks to me on the phone - he doesn't know why that superhero's back...there's a knock at the door. "It's the food you ordered!" Vince says they didn't order food. "Sonic drive through...Sonic jalapeno burger - chicken fried steak - a chili cheese dog with extra onions" and he goes on to list everything Austin listed on Monday - Vince and Booker occasionally asking "What?" Vince proclaims the food "unfit for human consumption," but Booker says "Wait a minute, Vince...I think we got Stone Cold Steve Austin's food. They delivered us his order. Why don't we heat a couple of these up and go to work on 'em." Vince says they'll eat Austin's food. Vince's phone rings again - that's me calling him back!

THE NARCISSIteST (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. JEFF HARDY (with Cheata) - I hope Sonic is paying them good money for all these mentions. Test makes Earl Hebner flinch - oh, look, Hebner's in another Test match. HMMM. Hebner responds by pointing to his WWF patch. STALEMATE...WELL PLAYED, HEBNER. Test makes kissy faces to Lita before we start - knee by Test, clothesline in the back, head to the buckle, into the opposite corner, Hardy gets the elbow up. Test runs at him - Hardy dumps him to the outside. Dropkick through the ropes! Pescado! Hardy ready to run the barricade...but Test catches him with a clothesline instead. Test looks to Lita again...then puts Hardy back in the ring and follows him in. Clubbing forearm to the back of the head - made Hebner flinch again! Test gets a good laugh. Hardy tries a gutshot - Test knees him again. Vertical suplex coming up...yep. 1, 2, Hardy kicks out. Hardy comes back - right, right, right, kneeby Test. Into the ropes, Hardy ducks, sitout jawbreaker finds the mark. Hardy with a forearm in the back, into the ropes is reversed, but Hardy flies into a semi-Thesz press, landing on his feet! Double leg takedown, speaking in tongues double legdrop. Kick in the gut, kick, into the opposite corner is reversed, Hardy stairsteps up and hits the Gay in the Gay. Now Lita's up - Cheatacanrana! Hardy up top to go for the swantonbomb....but Test kicks Hebner into the ropes, crotching Hardy! Wotsitolla Boot to Hardy...but Hebner's already called for the bell. (DQ 3:06) Test takes umbrage - and clocks him with a KO right. Test wants to deliver the boot, but Hebner's wisely fallen all the way out of the ring. While he waits, THE ROCK runs out to get some revenge - spears him down and starts unloading rights on him. ROCK BOTTOM! Play his music! We look to Vince and Booker for reaction. Vince decides he needs to eat...but unfortunately, the server has set everything on fire. Vince shoos him away and puts it out with a beer. "I can't believe this. I WANTED one of these burgers!" Vince suggests they have the fries instead. Booker perks up.

D-Von Dudley wishes us Happy Holidays. Wow, it's the Dudley family hour!

The WWF Slam of the Week is brought to you by Xbox! From RAW, we take a look at the Matt/Lita & Jeff handicap match.

Matt, meanwhile, is in the APA Offices, where Bradshaw's encouraging him to have a beer and play cards with them until his money runs out. Matt says it's a night to do the guy thing. Faarooq asks about the "hoodarada - you know, that move where she flips back and you catch her right here - right here. Just one question, man, I bet I could do that over and over again - catch her right here." Bradshaw tells him to cool that talk - he's depressed. Faarooq only has one more question. "Where'd she get those thongs?"

Meanwhile, Booker and Vince enjoy the tater tots. There's a knock at the door - it's some firemen. "We had a report of a fire, we're here to investigate." Vince yells at them for being "just like the cops - when you need 'em, they're not around. When you don't want 'em, you show up and give us a lot of crap..." And then we notice that the third fireman isn't a fireman...it's STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN dressed up in the togs. Right hand for Vince, right, right for Booker, right, right, outside the luxury box, now over the rail and the chase is on - Booker frantically runs down the stairs and Austin is in hot pursuit - Booker over the barricade, Austin after him - around the ring - Austin's caught up - right, no Booker's taking off again - aside the stage - behind the curtain. We check out Vince on his ass.

Now we cut to the outside - Booker hops in the limo and it peels out. Crowd chants "what?"

Now Austin is in his truck and HE peels out.

MOMENTS AGO! Look at all those Security personnel just standing by while Austin goes to work! Cole says that Booker made it out only because Austin had all that heavy fire equipment on. OH.

Here's a look at the outside of the Centennial Garden Arena! WOW!

LANCE STORM (with TV-PG-DLV and SAP transmitido en espanol - and Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. KANE HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO TONIGHT - Well, nice knowing ya, Storm. (chokeslam -> pin 1:43) Perhaps Storm would have a better chance talking to Mr. McMahon? Perhaps he'll be facing Hurricane real soon now? Perhaps.

Back to the card game. Faarooq: "How'd she get that thong..." and he makes a "yanking it up high" pantomime. Again, Bradshaw asks him to leave the man alone - he's distressed! Distraught! "Hey man, I'm sorry, you know. Let's play some cards, huh? Say now, by the way - hey brother, she a natural redhead?" Bradshaw castigates his partner again, but adds "besides, if you wanna know if she's a natural redhead...just ask his brother Jeff." "Look! If you don't wanna play cards, maybe you wanna fight!" He upends the table. "Huh?" "What made him so mad?" "Maybe she's not a natural redhead." "Oh...damn!"

"WWF Desire" Triple H video

Wow, I'm just SAILING through this. Being lazy RULES!

This month's Fanatic Series presentation is "The Undertaker: This Is My Yard" Yep! It sure is!

DUDLEY BOYZ & CHRISTIAN (with Stacy Dudley - and Heat hype: Christian hosts!) v. SCOTTY 2 HOTTY & ALBERT 2...ALBERT and TAZZZZZZZZZZZZ - see, THIS match came about because.....somebody threw some darts? Oops, Cole said "RAW is WAR." He's fired. Lawler says Albert and Hotty want to be called the Zoo Crew - I'm not sure I actually want to go along with that. D-Von and Albert start. Albert takes too long looking at Stacy and D-Von hits from behind - right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Albert knocks him down. Right, right, get your groove on, right, tag to Scotty. Scotty rubs his head, he lifts him up and runs his feet into his head. "Gosh, this team sure is a lot of fun." Scotty starts moonwalking (Cole: "jivetalking"), right, right, knee by D-Von, (Lawler: "It's the Zoo Crew!" Me: "Okay, SHUT UP") shot into the unfriendly corner - Scotty tries to punch everybody out - shot for Christian, shot for Bubba, elbow up to stop D-Von on the charge...but Christian and Bubba Ray each grab an ankle, trip up Hotty and make a wish using the post. Christian back up on the apron to get the tag. Atomic drop. Clothesline off the ropes, cover, 2. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, right, right, right, right, blatant choke, foot on the face, right, kick, right, kick, kick, kikc, standing on the throat. Bubba Ray runs the apron to get his own stomp in as well. Referee "Blind" Brian Webber isn't having much luch with enforcing the rules tonight. Hotty tries to come back - right, right, right, into the ropes is countered by Christian into a side Russian legsweep for 2. Tag to Bubba Ray. Open-handed slap, tag to Christian overhand forearm. Christian puts him in the corner - Hotty gets the elbow up - again he stops the charge with an elbow - Hotty ducks a clothesline and puts a superkick on the button and both men are down. Hotty makes the slow crawl - and tags Tazz! Clothesline, clothesline, ducks a clothesline, T-Bone Tazzplex, 1, 2, Dudleyz in to break it up - whoops, we got us a Pier Six here - it spills outside as Tazz knocks out D-Von, Bubba Ray has Albert - Hotty sees Christian and thinks about trying for the bulldog, but Christian ducks it - forearm in the back - HE wants the Unprettier, but Hotty flips up and over - off the ropes and THERE'S the bulldog. Scotty starts the dance, but as he goes into the centipede, Stacy decides to climb up the apron and wave. Scotty dutifully stops to check her out - and Albert comes up from behind to pull off her skirt. Lawler dutifully gets to "yahoo"ing. Meanwhile, the Dudleyz sneak in and 3D Hotty. Albert in - they clothesline him over the top and out, but he manages to ankle D-Von to the outside, while Tazz comes in and gives Bubba Ray...say, is that a Hardway Tazzplex? It's been so long I can't remember if that's it or not. Christian wants the Unprettier, but Tazz decides "nah" and just slaps the Tazzmission on him....and Christian taps! (4:47) Cole tells us he just can't wait for Christian to appear on Heat, so he can clash with Tazz again. Well, golly, neither can I!

Vince's cel rings - oh man this must be one of those MAGIC phones because now we can hear Booker T's voice on the other end! He says he thinks he lost Austin - not that he was scared or anything, "I could have taken that sucka straight outta the game" - then he proceeds to tells Vince EXACTLY WHERE HE IS. Dummy....well, wait. Maybe he didn't know he was talking to the MAGIC phone and the entire world was listening? "Tell me I didn't just see that - tell me I didn't just see that! Vince, I think I just saw Austin's truck...I gotta go." Geez, couldn't Vince afford to send out Lance Wright in the ECW helicopter?

"Hugh Morris" says "Do I think there's something special about the holiday season? Yes! Because when else can you get the tooth fairy to put money underneath your pillow?" Then he looks CONFUSED...ha ha, he's a wacky one. (Also, he's unemployed - oops)

It wouldn't be a WWF show if we didn't take a look at Times Square...and WWF New York

MATT HARDY (with SmackDown! is brought to you by Madden NFL 2002 - the videogame of the future, Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring, and Gundam) v. ACOLYTE BRADSHAW - Hardy is fists of fire on him, but Bradshaw reverses the whip and knocks him down to take control. Overhand right, right, scoop...and a slam, elbowdrop, elbowdrop, 1, 2, no. Hardy tries a gutshot, no effect, Bradshaw rams his head to the turnbuckle, right, right, opposite corner, clothesline, sat on top, forearm in the back, climbs up after him....Hardy pops him with rights and shoves him back - Hardy off with a moonsault (!) for 2. Right, off the ropes, swinging neckbreaker for 2. Right, chop, right, into the corner is reversed - boot up by Hardy, climbing to the second rope...crossbody is caught - there's our Contractually Obligated Fallaway Slam. Bradshaw covers for 2. Bradshaw with a right. Wow, LISTEN TO THIS CROWD!! Chop, knee, right, Hardy fires back with three body shots, right, right, knee by Bradshaw...snap suplex. Bradshaw sits him on top, right, elbow is blocked - Hardy right, right, right, right, off the top with a tornado DDT. Side Russian legsweep. Second rope - ahhhhhhhhh drop. Cover - shoulder up at 2. Cole says it was "nonchalant" - ahh then. Twist of Fate countered out - Hardy ducks the right, tries the neckbreaker again, Bradshaw shoves him out, Hardy ducks the swing, Hardy EATS the Clothesline from Hell - g'night. 1, 2, 3. (3:44)

Flair comes in Vince's box...he's on HIS phone. "It was glorious! Absolutely glorious!" "Who the hell are you on the phone to?" "You've got a lot of reason to be upset. Yeah, I'm all over it. I'm on your side." "Hey! Hi!" "Yeah, just a minute. Just a minute. Yeah. OH yeah. Well I'll see you later on. Yeah." "Who the hell are you talking to?!" "Just a minute. Bear with me for a minute. Bear with me. Oh, you wanna talk to him? All right. He wants to talk to you." "Who the hell wants to talk to me?" "Stone Cold Steve Austin." Vince makes sure to gulp a few times before taking the phone. "Hello..." "Hey, Vince!" Whoa, it's MAGIC! We can hear the other end of the phone again! Wait, I GOT IT - Vince must have a microphone planted in his SKULL and THAT'S how we can hear the phone when HE'S talking but we COULDN'T hear it when *Flair* was on the phone. Wow, I sure am glad I figured this out! "Yeah it's me, Stone Cold. What? I said it's me, Stone Cold Steve Austin. You know, the guy you and Booker screwed at Ven gea nce? What? The same guy you and Booker screwed out of the Undisputed title in a steel cage on RAW? What? Did you think you're gonna sit up there in your little luxury box on your fat ass and Stone Cold's not gonna do nothin' about it? You know where I'm at, Vince? What? I said do you know where I'm at? I'm calling you from my truck....and my truck is in the parking lot of the Green Frog grocery store! It seems a certain jackass in a limousine thought he could pull into the Green Frog and stay a leap ahead of Stone Cold Steve Austin. You know Vince, it's a good thing Booker game to the Green Frog grocery store, because I had some shopping to do anyway. So right before I take care of Booker T, I'm gonna get me a little grocery cart and load that thing full o' potato chips, pop tarts, Lucky Charms, moon pies, Hungry Man TV dinners, a case of beer, some Beefaroni, some chicken fried steak, some of Good Ol' JR's barbecue sauce, and when I get through gettin' all these items, I'm gonna go right down the aisle, and I'm gonna open up a six-pack of whoopass on Booker T, and that's the bottom line...'cause Stone Cold said so." Vince hangs up and looks to Flair. "Whaddaya got to say about that?" "What? ..... Wooooooooooooooooooo."

What's up with that BOD ad? It's totally for gay guys, right? ...right? (Maybe the gay guys can help me out again - do I still have gay readers?)

Another RealSound Arena ad

DURING THE BREAK! Vince tried calling Booker - then tells a Security guy (and us) "I can't get through to Booker, his cel phone's dead!"

Wow, even the WWF cameras have caught up to Booker! He's in the cereal aisle, "checking to see if they're fresh." Sugar Corn Pops - once you pop, you can't stop! There's an announcement over the intercom: "Attention shoppers - fresh cans of whoopass over on aisle two - that's aisle two." Booker sees Austin walk by...and tries to get the jump on him from behind - forearm from behind, stomping away, punching away....you know, I don't think that's Austin - sure enough, it isn't. "What the...who the hell are you?" Austin, meanwhile, is creeping up behind him... Vince: "TURN AROUND, BOOK!" Flair: "He can't hear ya." Hearing the sound of a beer being popped open, Booker makes a face...slowly turns round - and Austin unleashes his fury on him. Into the bread! See ya, cooky display! Good night, bottle of wine! See ya in hell, oranges! So long, condiments! "You want some ketchup with that ass whoopin'?" Austin squirts him. "Look at the pretty poinsettas - look at the pretty flowers. Excuse me sir...do you have any Grey Poupon?" Booker is having flashbacks of the Nasty Boys in Tupelo. Austin upends some baskets of walnuts. And then some beans. Austin also pours the beans on himself. Austin POTATOES him! The seams of Booker's pants have split. Austin pours on a bag of flour. And one more. "I like shopping, Book!" Into a Cheerios display. Booker loaded into a cart - oops, another set of SOMETHING in glass bottles - Austin grabs a sausage and uses it as a mic: "When the moon hits your eye / like a big pizza pie / that's amore" then he hits him with a frozen pizza. "Shopping gets me tired - I'm thirsty." Austin pops another Budweiser and takes a swig. "You look like you could use a cold one, Book." So he hits him with the can. Austin puts the 12 pack in Booker's lap (he's still in the cart) and rolls him on - now we're in Aisle 5. I wonder how many aisles this store has. Booker is crying like a BITCH. Austin takes him all the way to the storage area in back of the store. "Shall I cook you some eggs? Huh? Want me to cook you some eggs?" He's throwing eggs at him - now up to him and just smashing the eggs in his back. "Oh, you want some crackers? Yeah? Oh, Booker." Austin has some trouble taking them out of storage. "I hope you enjoy these, these are hard to come by. Here you go, Book." FINALLY T gets in a shot of his on, with a standing side kick. Austin sent into a stack of toilet paper. Into a wooden door. "Get you ass - get in there!" Austin locks him in the refrigerator. Umm, can't he just get out of the dairy case? Why, yes he can. Austin emerges with a half gallon, which he swigs a la Angle. "Thanks Book! You got milk?" And we're off again. Onto a merchandise cart and Austin starts rolling him along again. Man, the tea is RIGHT THERE but Austin passes up THAT joke. "You sure made a mess there, Bok? Huh?" Austin uses a baby wip on him. "You wanna burp?" Repeated forearms. Coffee beans! "Let's check out." To the register - Ausitn puts Booker on the conveyor. "It's been fun shopping with ya, Book." Hearing police sirens, Austin gives him one last stomp and leaves. "Price check on a jackass!" Booker is left to whine. "I'm gonna gitchoo - I'm gonna gitchoo!" We look back to Flair, doing the NWO point to Vince...who won't look at him anymore. "I think I told ya you'd enjoy the show" and he slaps his back. "Woo!"

Yeah, it was *funny* - but man, did it have to go nine minutes? It felt like twenty!

UP NEXT: Rock and Rob van Dam team up (why?) to take on Undertaker and Chris Jericho (why?) in a match with all kinds of implications (like what?)! It's going to be HUGE!

The tease of Regal kissing McMahon's ass is used to hype "Best of WWF 2001: Viewer's Choice" coming New Year's Eve to TNN

One more "SmackDown! Just Bring It" ad

And now, the WWF Super Smash of the Week, brought to you by "Crash Bandicoot: the Wrath of Cortex!" From Ven gea nce, Undertaker wins the hardcore title.

MR. JERICHO and AWESOMETAKER (on his Beautiful Bourget Python Bike - with Final Fantasy X presents Royal Rumble!) v. ROB VAN DAM and THE ROCK - Wow, how prestigious is it to be Undisputed champion when you still have to enter first out of these four? At least today Jericho still carries both belts...which he lays in timekeeper Mark Yeaton's lap with specific instructions. Taker's headlight is ON tonight. For the first time in a long while, van Dam doesn't point to himself! Jericho gleefully reminds Rock that HE'S the Undisputed champ...then goes ahead and leaves the ring to let Taker start. Rock tells van Dam to let him start, and he does. Rock tries to get one in on Jericho...but unfortunately all that does is give Taker the opening. Soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, back elbow, kick, uppercut. Jericho has a big grin. Taker tells Tim White to stay out of it. Back to Rock - whip into the opposite corner, Rock gets the elbow up. Taker's clothesline is ducked - right, right, right, right, whip is reversed, but Rock springs out with a clothesline! Into the ropes is reversed by Taker, but Rock hits the swinging neckbreaker - and he dares Jericho to come in. So Taker clotheslines Rock in the back for turning his back to him. NOW Jericho wants the tag - and gets it. Taker holds him up - right by Jericho, peppers him with a right, and off the ropes with a clothesline. European elbow. Chop, chop, chop. "Rock E!" Slap. Into the ropes, but Rock grabs him and puts his fact to the mat. Right. Whip is reversed - Taker tags him from behind - Rock turns to face him, and Taker blocks the right and gives him a Stun Gun. Jericho with a Viscera kick...and a cover for 2. Big suplex. "Rock E!" "C'mon Baby" gets 0. Right, right, right, right. Tag to Taker - held open for the kick. BIG death suplex by the Taker gets 1. Taker ain't happy - he grinds his forearm into Rock's face. Head to the buckle. Soupbone, soupbone, soupbone. Another look at White - this time he BLOCKS Rock's right - hey, he's getting smarter! Soupbone, Rock right, soupbone, knee by Undertaker, into the corner, follow clothesline. Rock fires back with a right. Soupbone, right. Soupbone, right, right, right, Rock puts him into the ropes, Taker ducks the swing, then comes off with a flying clothesline! Scoop....but Rock goes down the back! Gutshot, DDT! Both men are down and White puts on the count. van Dam reaches for the tag - and so does Jericho. But only van Dam gets the tag! He vaults to the top - and hits a kick off the top rope! Stomp, off the ropes, off the ropes, Rolling Thunder. Jericho in - HE gets a kick - heel kick for Taker, stomp, kick, kick, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed - elbow up by van Dam, vault, top rope somersault cannonball - 1, 2, Jericho with an elbowdrop...but van Dam moves aside and Taker takes it! van Dam on Jericho - elbow, elbow, thrust kick...then turns back to eat a big boot from Taker. Taker tosses him outside - Jericho is there. STomp on the head. Head to the commentary table. Again. Jericho grabs the table top and hits van Dam with it - rolled back in to Taker for the cover - 1, 2, of course not. Tag to Jericho - soupbone, soupbone, Jericho kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp. Open-handed slap to the face. Chop. Chop. OH MY GOD VAN DAM PISSED HIS PANTS! van Dam fires back - elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow, right, into the ropes, Jericho ducks, flying jalapeno by Jericho - 1, 2, no. Jericho flexes his bicep for the Rock!!! Stomp on van Dam, to the turnbuckle, tag. Stomp by Taker, uppercut, soupbone, soupbone, kick. Taker shoves him by the back of his head to the corner. Stnads on the back of the neck. Now opening up his face with his claws - yikes. Jericho gets in a bottom rope choke from the floor while White lectures Taker on Playing Nice. Arm wringer....might be time to go Old Skool - Taker points to Rock, who takes a step his way...and gives van Dam JUST enough time to wobble him off the top and pull him back to the centre! van Dam off the ropes - it's a double clothesline and they're BOTH down. Rock is itching for a tag. Tag to Jericho - HOT TAG TO ROCK! Rock ducks, right, right, right, right, right right right right right, whip is reversed but Rock hits the flying clothesline! Jericho off the ropes - belly-to-belly throw by the Rock! Rock looks to Taker on the outside - right hand - then decides to continue - right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Jericho running at him - spinebuster! Off comes the elbowpad - off the ropes, off the other ropes, annnnnnd there's the elbow. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, Taker pulls White outside! Taker in - big clothesline for the Rock. van Dam manages to get the tag...up for the Fivestar frog splash - but Jericho rolls out of the way!! Jericho quickly puts van Dam in the Walls of Jericho! Of course, van Dam doesn't tap - Rock in, shot for Taker, clothesline for Jericho to break it up. Taker back in - soupbone, soupbone...winding up - Rock ducks the big one, and clotheslines him out of the ring. Jericho has a chair in the meantime...but all that means is van Dam hits a van Daminator! Cover, leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3! (10:31) Taker can't believe van Dam just pinned the Undisputed champ...I'm not sure WHY. I mean, which of these four guys would YOU think does the job? Maybe he can't believe Rock didn't get the pin. Well anyway, Jericho has another trickle of blood, Taker is busy making Tackleberry faces, Rock and van Dam have arms raised on the ramp, credits are up and I'm done halfassing it for today. BYE!

CRZ
[slash] wrestling