KINGS UPDATE: No matter HOW good they get, they STILL can't win at the
Rose Garden. Still, even though the win streak is over at 12 (and JUST
shy of going an entire MONTH without losing!), the Lakers continued
collapse now puts the Kings a whopping *2 1/2* games in first! Woo hoo!
(32-10) Also, Jason Williams is a wuss. Be sure and catch the Kings at
Utah Saturday on NBC!
I GET LETTERS: Jyri expands the concept: One thing makes those commercials even worse. B.B. King doesn't eat meat. (Or at least hadn't according to the bio they had on him that I saw last year). He must REALLY need money.
POINTLESS NET FEUDS: In the next RAW report, I spill the details and blow the lid off a nicely percolating feud in the making involving ME and a well-known "press agent" - don'cha DARE miss it!
UPN (has a new chief) - Thursday!
TV-PG-DLV One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Let Us Take You Back to the Royal Rumble - and the next day - and focus focus focus on what Flair said about McMahon....and what McMahon said to Flair. Also, let's monochrome up all that blood to keep this show TV-PG. ALSO, let's Max Headroom up what Vince said...and add some EEEEERIE music. Boy, you know, wrestling...
Opening Credits are Beautiful, People!
WHERE'S YOUR HEAD AT? Coming atcha from the N. Charleston Coliseum in North Charleston, SC 24.1.2 (taped 22.1) and SAP transmitido en espanol on UPN and the Score, THIS is WWF SMACKDOWN! Don't let the walls cave in on you...
TONIGHT: Stone Cold vs. Booker T in a #1 Contenders Qualifier!
TONIGHT: The Rock vs. Kurt Angle in another #1 Contenders Qualifier!
POINTS TO SELF v. WILLIAM REGAL (with Let Us Take You Back 2 Weeks and Let Us Take You Back to RAW) in a nontitle match - van Dam hits a pescado before referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas can even think about conducting a search. van Dam stays on him with forearms - that's four. Rolled in the ring and the bell sounds. To the top rope - jumping kick! Dropkick by van Dam. Rolling Thunder. Forearm, forearm, into the ropes is reversed, van Dam ducks, Viscera kick by van Dam. Vaults to the top - Fivestar frog splash (already?) - 1, 2, 3 (already? Oh) and van Dam wins! (0:42) I *think* we spent more time watching clips prior to the match than we spent watching the match. Dammit, when are they gonna give RVD his PUSH?!? I mean, for the love of Pete, Regal ALMOST got in a move against him there! We at least get a shot of van Dam pointing to himself after the replay. To add insult to injury, KING EDGE runs in, spears and wails on Regal, then slips away before SECURITY can catch him. Play HIS music, too! We'll give THAT a replay as well. Commentators surmise that this won't help Edge's case as a possible suspension was already being bandied about...
Cut to Vince, talking to....well, his back's to us and all we see is a shoulder. Those damn cameraman and their damn framing! "I know what you're thinking. And you're wrong. You're thinking I don't have the guts. Isn't that right, that's what you're thinking. You're thinking that I don't have the guts to do what I said I was gonna do on Monday night. You're wrong. I don't have any alternative. Tonight, I have to do something that....that even I will regret. And I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. Tonight." Vince mugs as we head to the break.
And now, Xbox presents the WWF Slam of the Week! From the Royal Rumble, Rikishi gives Boss Man a stinkface...then eliminates him.
JACQUELINE is your special guest referee for the next match...
RIKASHMONEY v. BOSSMAN ISHEBIG - as if there weren't enough to tweak the WWF New Media folks about, go click on wwfsuperstars.com/bossman/bio and read about how, since his return, Bossman has teamed up with Ken Shamrock to win the tag team championship. Jackie *really* wants Bossman's nightstick - a little TOO much, if you get my drift. Finally, Jackie resorts to pointing to her WWF patch, and he surrenders it. Lockup, Bossman to the face - Rikishi out through the ropes. But he comes right back - right, right, right, right, Bossman with a knee, and hard whip into the STEEL steps. Bossman breaks the count and goes back out...grabbing half of the steps and SLAMMING them down on the other half - fortunately, 'kishi ducks out lest he end up in the wrong part of that sandwich. Back in the ring. Bossman right, right, right, right, right, right, blatant choke, right, right...finally Jackie inserts herself between them to get the break. A prolonged discussion ensues. Bossman back to 'kishi - who turns the tables. Right, right, right, right, and not Jackie pushes HIM off. 'kishi back in - Bossman strikes with a double thrust to the throat. Outside in punch by Bossman. Repeated elbows to the chest as Jackie counts - Bossman back in at 5. Big kick. Standing on the throat and using the ropes - breaking at 4. Knee to the throat. Right, right, off the ropes - but caught - but Bossman goes to the face to prevent the suplex. Bossman with a triple spin clothesline. Cover - 1, 2, shoulder up. Bossman argues the count - man, Jackie can only yell for so long here. Back on 'kishi - stomp, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Bossman ducks and hits the uppercut - but 'kishi comes right back with the RIKISHIKICK! 'kishi looks round - off the ropes - off the ropes - EARTHQUAKE!! Raise the roof yo and so on. Bossman ends up in the corner - time for the BAN - ZAI - DRAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWP and I don't think he's getting up, Jackie. 1, 2, 3. (3:20) Replay from the "You Are There" cam, focused on the cheeks.
Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. Rumour has it the Helmsleys aren't getting along! You don't say.
Let Us Take You Back to RAW where the Helmsleys didn't get along
Backstage, Lilian Garcia offers to be there for Stephanie if she wants to talk about her problems. Stephanie says she and Hunter don't have any problems - right now, her only problem is her. Then she throws a cup of coffee on her. Lilian screams a lot to indicate that it was SCALDING HOT COFFEE and this segment was even more Pointless than normal to the break to the break to the break
Catch the WWF LIVE! Saturday, Pittsburgh! Sunday, Hershey! Monday is RAW in Richmond! And Tuesday at the Scope is SOLD OUT!
Moments Ago, Two Paragraphs Ago
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: TAZZZZZZZ & SPIKE DUDLEY v. SCOTTY 2 HOTTY & ALBERT 2.......ALBERT (with No Way Out onsale announcement - mit Stacy Keibler) - Tazz and Scotty start. Let's all clap like the American Males! Lockup, arm wringer by Scotty, Tazz reverses, Scotty flips out and nips out. Back and forth, you arm twist me, I arm twist you. Tazz breaks the monotony with a Northern Lights release Tazzplex. Spike tags himself in, and Tazz can only shake his head. So Albert tags HIMself in. Spike jumps on him and tries rights - no effect. Put in the corner, kick. Opposite corner whip, Spike tries the headbutt out but only succeeds in hurting his neck. Albert with the GIANT SWING!! I counted *SIXTEEN* rotations - good show. Albert throats him with a catapult into the second rope. Hmm, I think he's keying on the horsecollar for some reason. Tazz saves at 2. Scotty in - stomp - big death suplex - off the ropes with an elbowdrop, elbowdrop, elbowdrop, cover...2. Scotty with a neckbreaker, apropos. 1, 2, Tazz saves. Spike into the ropes, back elbow by Scotty. Stomp, kick in the back, suplex. 1, 2, no! Tazz tries to lead some claps for Spike - not too successful. Snapmare by Scotty, off the ropes with a Kaientai-esque seated dropkick. 1, 2, no! In the corner, kick, kick, kick, kick. He doesn't seem to be working the neck anymore - hmm. Back to the opposite corner - Spike gets an elbow up - then ducks out on a charge and Scotty shoulders the post. MAYBE he should have tagged in Albert? Spike manages to crawl to Tazz and here's the HOT TAG! Tazz with a clothesline! Clothesline! Head and arm Tazzplex! Free shot for Albert - Tazz is laying in wait, but Albert's mad and he's in now - kick, kick, into the corner, yaaaaaavalanche. Scotty adds the bulldog and now it's time to dance - W O R M hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo HI-YA 1, 2, Spike pulls Scotty outside! Albert grabs Spike by the neck, brings him to the top and tosses him ALLLL the way across the ring. Yaaaaavalanche - MISSES! Spike ducked out of the way - back to him - gutshot - DUDLEY 'DOG! Meanwhile, Tazz is blocked - Scotty right, right, Tazz ducks the next one and applies the TAZZMISSION, dragging him to the centre - and Scotty TAPS! Champs retain. (5:16)
To the Helmsley dressing room, where Stephanie is proud of herself - and her rack! When H fails to share in the glee, Stephanie breaks into a soliloquy about how he's not really listening to her blah blah blah not giving her any credit for all her great advice blah blah blah she's a McMahon blah blah blah you may love this business but my family IS this business blah blah blah okay let's pick it up from here. "MY father told me--" "Your father is an (ass)hole! Let's face it. What is WITH you, huh? What is with you?" "With ME?" "What is with you and your father? After everything he's done to you? You are so PROUD to be a McMahon - you are so proud to be Vince McMahon's little girl...after all the crap he's done to you? Kicked you to the curb, he's fired you - this is the same guy that when I got hurt told you 'oh, Steph - he's like a racehorse with a broken leg - send him to the glue factory and get yourself another one.' Your father's a piece of trash, but you worship the ground he walks on. What's with YOU." "Pfffft. I'm PROUD of who I am, okay? You know, my father told me that you even married me because of my last name. FOR the power." "Oh, I married you for your last name? Listen, I married you in SPITE of your last name. The McMahon name has done nothing for me, believe me." "Oh no?" "No." "What about the McMahon-Helmsley Era? What about that, Hunter? Do you forget so quickly?" Is she just ad-libbing any old thing here? This just seems so...I don't know, stilted. "I'll tell you what. Your father - your father has never thought I was good enough for you." "Maybe he was right..." H gets up and walks behind the cameraman and around to the other side of the shot. "You know what? Maybe everybody else was right about you." And he walks off, leaving her to...I dunno, whimper maybe.
Tazz helps hijack another truck full of Stacker 2
wwf.com video streaming something something
Here's a look at the Historic North Charleston Coliseum! HISTORIC!
JONATHAN COACHMAN stands with the Rock. Chant his name! "Last Sunday night, Royal Rumble, was a night of the unexpected. The unexpected in which nobody ever thought that...you're not paying attention to what the Rock is saying, Coach? What, is your mind elsewhere, Coach? What are you thinking about, Coach? What, are you thinking about what you're gonna do after the show? With all your friends? Is that what you're thinking about, Coach? What, you thinking about going dancing after the show, is that what you're gonna do? Huh?" "No, Rock--" "Shut up! Well the Rock says this: the Rock has an idea. Since you like dancing so much, and seeing as we are in the city we are in, why don't you, Coach, why don't you dance...the charleston." "Come on Rock, I--" "Come on Rock! Bakawkaweekaiaww shut your mouth. You don't make any of the decisions around here, Coach. 'scuse..." "Rock E!" "Excuse the Rock one second, Coach. You don't make any decisions. Would you people like to see Coach dance the charleston? You see, Coach? They believe in you. The Rock believes in you. And we are on the Rock's show, we're on SmackDown!, so Coach, why don't you dance the charleston like you've never danced before! You remember how to do the charleston, you took dance in the, shut up, you took dance lessons as a kid, now DANCE that charleston, Coach! DANCE! YEAH! YEAH! CHARLESTON! Turn the other way. Yeah, turn the other way! Now face the camera. Yeah! Smile at everybody at home! Bend over! (kicks him) GET your monkey (ass) out of the Rock's picture! You sick fffffffff..." "Rock E!" "Go on, pick him up - pick Coach up - you sick fffffffffffffreak! Oh yeah, last Sunday was a night of unexpected at the Royal Rumble. Kane pickin' the Big Show up, throwin' the Big Show over the top rope. Maven - MAVEN - eliminating the Undertaker! And above all else, Ric Flair making Vince McMahon tap faster than Shirley Temple on an ice cream sssammich! But as far as the Rock's match with Chris Jericho goes, the way Chris Jericho won that match wasn't unexpected, we all expected Jericho to win the way he won, but what's over is over - it's done with - gone, past, history - old news...because, you see, Chris Jericho, you are still the Undisputed champion, and Chris Jericho, you are still the biggest monkey's anus walking God's green earth. But you see, Chris Jerihco, and everybody else, that was Sunday. This is tonight. And tonight, the Rock faces Kurt Angle. Kurt Angle, the winner of tonight's match has a chance, has a shot to go on to No Way Out and face the Undisputed Champion. This time last year, No Way Out, the Rock defeated Kurt Angle for the WWF Championship, went on to WrestleMania. And we all know what happened to the Rock at WrestleMania. We all know what happened to the Rock at the WrestleMania before that, and the one before that. But the rock says this year, 2002 - different. This WrestleMania, WrestleMania 18, different. You see, because just as sure as the Rock has air flowing through the lungs of the Rock, just as sure as the Rock has blood flowing and pouring through his veins, and just as sure as the Rock has mmmmillions....and millions of the Rock's fans, and just as sure as this WrestleMania - Toronto, sixty thousand strong, will be the biggest WrestleMania, the most electrifying WrestleMania, and the Rock guarandamn - GUARANDAMNTEES that this WrestleMania will be the Rock's WrestleMania! Kurt Angle, you get ready to roll. You get ready to roll IF YOU SMELLLLLLALALALALAOOOW WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN'."
Triple H chills out in the hallway. "Hunter? Are you okay?" "Sharmell, not right now, okay? All right?" Off she goes. Here's Christian walking by. "Hey, Hunter. Hey man. From one guy to another...I feel for you. We've all been there, man. That wife of yours...she got some temper, huh? Good luck. Hey man, what are you doin'? What are you OWWWWWWW" as H takes him, runs him into a cyclone fence, punches away, back to the fence, some knees, into a metal garage door, and Christian makes sure to kick away the clangy metal pipes when H fails to throw him into them. What a consummate professional! H walks off, finding some more loud things to sweep away and make noise with.
"Face the facts. They're hard...they're cold...the facts are cruel. But the facts are, ever since the Royal Rumble, Ric Flair has assumed a position of leadership in the WWF. I don't like it any more than you do. But those are the facts. And you've gotta understand that...under Ric Flair's leadership, the WWF...has terminal cancer. Oh yeah. Under Ric Flair's leadership, the WWF is going to...slowly...DIE. You know - you know what you have to do, don't you. You know. You can do it. Come on. You can do it."
"Who's he saying those things to?" "I have no idea." UP NEXT: Austin/T!
Tazz heists another Stacker 2 truck
WWF SmackDown! returns in a moment on UPN! Shouldn't they take Commissioner Foley out of this bumper? (What about longhair Undertaker?)
The Stacker 2 Burn of the Week is presented to you by Stacker 2! From the Royal Rumble, Maven takes advantage of a distracted Undertaker to dropkick him over the top rope and both feet touched the floor! Undertaker was quick to take a chair to Maven in return...
BOOKER TIO v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN (with SAP transmitido en espanol) in a "Qualifying #1 Contenders Match" - okay, the deal is the winner of THIS match and the other one will meet on RAW to determine Chris Jericho's opponent for No Way Out, so there you go. Austin wants to tie up but T won't meet him in the middle. NOW they lock up - T shoves him to the corner. Austin is amused. Lockup, to the corner...referee "Blind" Charles Robinson gets between them to break it up, and T sneaks in a shot - Austin fires back. STALEMATE. T makes the "tell me you didn't just punch me back" face. I have a suspicion Austin flipped him off while he was out of the picture. Here we go again! Lockup, side headlock by T. Austin powers out, T with the shoulderblock off the ropes. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Austin comes back - right, right, right, into the ropes, T with ANOTHER shoulderblock. Up and over, ducks an Austin clothesline, but Austin catches him in a spinebuster. Stomp. Chop, chop, chop, into the opposite corner, back to the first corner, ANOTHER whip is reversed, but he pops out with a clothesline that puts T down. Cover - 2! T pokes the eyes. T takes charge - kick, chop, chop, chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed...Austin catches him and puts him on the ropes with a stun gun. Neckbreaker gets Austin 2. Put in the corner, chop, chop, chop, climbing up for the Ten What Count Along...but he only gets to six before T brings him out. The atomic drop DOESN'T work, but T ducks the swing and hits a Harlem side kick to put him down. T clotheslines Austin out - and Austin clutches his knee after the landing. T puts Austin's knee into the STEEL steps, and Austin develops a limp. Austin meets the steps one more time. T rolls Austin back in - Austin crawls to a corner but T is on him. Kick, kick, kick, kick. T stomps on the knee as the crowd chants "Aw Stin." T outside, grabs the leg, and wraps it around the post. The he goes ahead and puts the other knee into the post as well. Right hand. T back in through the ropes - chop blocks him down. Kick. T with some humiliating slaps. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. T shouldn't pause like that. Sure enough, Austin barrels out and takes him down - eleven quick rights, too. T put in the ropes, head down, kick by T, SPIN kick by T - going for the cover - 1, 2, Austin kicks out! T rolls him to the ropes, drapes the leg over the bottom rope, and stomps on the knee again. Buttdrop on the knee. T puts the leg back on the bottom rope - ANOTHER buttdrop on the knee. He wants ANOTHER - *this* time, Austin pulls the leg out of the way and T cracks his tailbone. Austin builds up a head os steam - it's a DOUBLE clothesline, and both men are down! Robinson puts on the count...up to 4 as Austin rolls to his feet and gimps into the corner. T closes in...but it's Austin, with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine!" Again! A THIRD time - Austin builds - right, right, into the ropes, Austin press! Eight quick punches, head to the turnbuckle, stomp, eleven more stomps, stomp - (sign in crowd: STOP SAYING WHAT) brings him up, the middle fingers are edited out (but Cole calls them), KICK WHAM - no, T shoves him away, then hits a flapjack, holding him by the knee (!) - breakdances back up (!) - HARLEM SIDE KICK - 1, 2, NO!! T gives us disbelief, but stays on him. Chop, into the ropes is reversed, but he reverses back - knee in the gut, off the ropes with the AXE KICK - leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO!! T isn't sure what else to do...but he's got an idea. He dares Austin to get up - BOOKER T KICK WHAM but Austin shoves him away - AUSTIN KICK WHAM STUNNER!! 1, 2, 3! (9:16) Man, aren't these singles matches so much BETTER than these randomly generated tag team matches? I'll answer that for you: yes, they are. Awesome times two, baby! Austin's still limping, but he can still climb the buckles and celebrate. I wonder if he'll still be limping on Monday? Replay of the finish. BEER
TONIGHT: Rock vs. Angle to determine Austin's opponent, to determine Jericho's opponent!
WWF Fanatic Series presentation: Lita: It Just Feels Right ad
Only *8* weeks until WrestleMania X8!
SHARMELL SULLIVAN interviews Ric Flair outside his door. Any ideas what Vince is talking about? "I have no idea what he's talking about, Sharmell, and first of all, my name is Ric, see, Ric Flair, you can always call me Ric. Vince McMahon, you should be having problems! You're a beaten man! Ric Flair woo the Nature Boy beat you at the Royal Rumble! If you can't deal with it, then step aside, because this company continues to get bigger and better every day, and I own 50% OF the greatest sports entertainment company in the world, and you're drop dead gorgeous, and life is good, wooo, we are the World Wrestling Federation, and I have some words for everybody out there, (grabs her hands and starts dancing) we will continue to stay all night, stay a little longer, dance all night wooo and dance a little longer, because we are the World Wrestling Federation woooo we are above it all! And Vince McMahon, if the guys wanna come to me for leadership and advice, I will always have this door open. You can't deal with it, then brother, move out of the way, because wooo the Nature Boy is comin' straight on through wooo and you are drop dead gorgeous and you can ALWAYS call me Ric. Woooo!"
KANE and WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. DUDLEY BOYZ (with Stacy Dudley) in a tag team tables match - no sooner have the Dudleyz set up the table THEY'VE brought down to ring on the floor than Kane is out of the ring and starting it early. Show's out, Teddy Long's out, hell, ring the bell and we'll just play it out on the floor. Show scoops up D-Von on his back...then fails to just put him through the table right in front of him - Well It's The Big Dummy - doesn't matter anyway, as D-Von breaks free and runs him into the ringpost. Back to Bubba and Kane - Bubba into the ropes, Bubba ducks - there's a double neckbreaker. Show in - clotheslines all around, headbutts all around, table in the ring. Show puts down the straps - he's SERIOUS - two chokes!! Nope, they Bubba with a knee in the gut to break free. Kane pulls away the table as the Dudz finish the double flapjack (aka Show leaps into a double flapjack). Kane clotheslines both men, D-Von gets a sidewalk slam, Bubba gets a big boot. Kane outside and climbing up for the flying clothesline - unfortunately, Show tries a running clothesline on Bubba at the same time, and when he ducks, Show comes off the ropes, crotching Kane AGAIN. Show DOES land the clothesline after coming off the ropes, though, and again the table is set up in the ring. Got D-Von in a choke - held high - Bubba pulls the table away as Show hits ahhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM and D-Von twitches OLD SCHOOL STYLE. Bubba tries a shot at Show, but he just catches it, then shoves Bubba into the ropes - and into Kane, who had just climbed to the apron. Kane falls through the table on the floor, and we're done early here - Dudz win. (2:07) Needless to say, Kane's a little pissed off about this situation. Once, yeah - but three times? Show tries to apologies but Kane says "what, you think I'm retarded or something?" Then Show says "well, aren't you?" (I may have made that up.) All the available REFEREES & OFFICIALS trundle out from the back, but that's not gonna work if they don't WANT to be separated. Hmm, I guess Earl Hebner has the night off? Kane lets himself out of the ring, almost tripping over the broekn table in the process - oopsie!
I'll bet you were wondering when we'd get us some more Vince. Well, here you go! "...it's a damn shame. ... But everything - everything on earth has to come to an end. I never thought - I never thought it'd be like this. Never thought that one day my world would come crashing down around me. And you've gotta understand...this is, this is my life. This is what I built. Nobody helped me. I did it all on my own. And now someone's gonna take it away from me? Someone gave...someone gave cancer to the WWF." Vince...well, Vince acts like he's breaking down. This isn't exactly working for me, I hate to say. Finally, he regains himself. "Okay. Get a hold o' yourself. God, it's just too...damn...bad." He lowers his head. To the break!
We come back to another old school promo from a familiar man in gold: "'Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.' Deborah Kerr, An Affair to Remember, 1957. But I have no such problems, for I have many, MANY warm memories. (inhale) Oh, so toasty warm. Because upon my first arrival, like Jeff Goldblum mutating in The Fly, the World Wrestling Federation was changed FOREVER. But now that I'm back, change is NOT my plan - I have something greater in store: my greatest production yet. But alas, it's all for an audience of...one. It's all for....him. He needs this from me now, before it's too late. And if he doesn't like it, well frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. For every star that rises, there is one that falls. And my star will rise; new memories will be forged, but the memory that lasts the longest, the memory that will NEVER fade will be the memory of one name - the name that will NEVER be forgotten. Like it or not, he will remember the name of... (inhales, bites) Goldust."
Billy & Chucky react to what we've just witnessed on the monitor. "I mean, he is different though, right?" "And he does have cool hair, I mean..." "Yeah, but I mean come on, if anybody's gonna play the hair part, it's you, 'cause your hair's cool, but I mean speaking of playing a part, what about the part of tag team champions? And I'm not talking about Spike & Tazz, I'm talking about me and you! I mean who's got more tools to be tag team champions than us? I mean, look at you. I mean, you're - phwooo!" "Look at YOU!" "Yeah, but I mean... look at the headbands, the cool red stuff...I mean, who's more manly than us?" "Chicks dig us, too! Billy & Chucky!" They do a prolonged special set of high fives, handshakes...and then Billy slaps his ass, too.
Meanwhile, Coachman stands with Kurt Angle. "Oh yeah, you're damn right I still have a chance. The Rock is MINE. Okay, I have something to say right now. I'm an Olympic Gold Medalist. I brought honour and glory to this country. I've won more titles and awards than anyone! And you people wanna disrespect me by saying that word. That's it. I've had it. Stop doin' that! You people are UNBELIEVABLE! This word's ruining my life. Say 'what' one more time and I'm outta here! This interview's over."
TONIGHT: Rock vs. Angle yup yup yup this segment had no wrestling yup
Commentators shill Buffy - right after a UPN Buffy promo - well
TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL (with SmackDown! is brought to you by Blockbuster, Xbox, and Clearasil!) v. JAZZZZZZZZZ in a nontitle match - oh oh, somebody gave Jazz Chyna's old box of headbands! Stratus doesn't wait for the fight to be taken to her, striking first with an elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow, head to the buckle, again, again, kick, kick, kick, kick - referee "Blind" Jack Doan pulls her off, but she still gets back for the kick, kick to the head, cover, 2. Elbow, elbow, chop, into the opposite corner is reversed, boot up on the charge...but runs into a clothesline. Jazz with the legdrop. Two handfuls of hair - into a throw. Double underhook...suplex! Jazz hangs her up on the ropes. Now Jazz tosses her over the top to the floor. Broken hand to the apron. Open-handed slap! Again the broken hand to the apron. Jazz pulls her into the post. Finally, back in the ring finally - head to the buckle. Trish manages a headbutt through the ropes and comes back in - Jazz ducks the clothesline, but eats the elbow, elbow, into the corner but nobody home on the charge. Armbar takedown by Jazz...now using the ropes for leverage (somehow) - Doan gets to 5, no break, that's a disqualification. (DQ 2:08) Jazz adds a wrench and a buttdrop on the injured arm. Double chickenwing! Finally, a DDT and Jazz is done for tonight. Play her music, 'cause she LOST!
"Don't try to talk me outta this. You can't do it! I'm resolved that...this is what I have to do. Believe me, if there was any other way, if there was ANY other way I'd do it. I know this is not logical. I know this is not NORMAL. But it's something that has to be done, you see when you - when you care...like I care...if you care that much, you'll do it. It's gotta be done. And you're not gonna talk me out of it. No no. No you're not. Oh...I'm starting to feel it now. Oh yeah." I think he's cumming!! "It's starting to feel GOOOOOOOD. Ooooooh." Yep, he's definitely experiencing the ecstasy of.....ACTING
UP NEXT: that match we've been hearing about all night
WWF Magazine ad
Hey Tazz, that's three trucks of Stacker 2 in one night - don't you think you're kinda PUSHING YOUR LUCK?
And now, Greyhound presents the WWF Overdrive of the Night! From RAW, Jericho mistakenly hits Angle with the bell, then takes Rock Bottom and gets pinned by the Rock.
MR. JERICHO surprises the commentators by joining them for the next match...
KURT ANGLE v. THE ROCK in a "Qualifying #1 Contenders Match" - Jericho suggests the Rock's newest catchphrase is "Why do I keep losing to Chris Jericho again and again and again?" Feeling out process - now they lock up...and break. Let's do it again! Side headlock by Rock - Angle attacks the ribs - Rock lets go, off the ropes with a shoulderblock. Up and over, stops short as Angle tries the leapfrog, Rock tags him with a right. Armdrag into the armbar! Angle makes it back up, but Rock continues to attack the arm. Wants the hammerlock but Angle back elbows and breaks it up, then counters into a fireman's carry into an armbar of his own. Rock twists out - back to his feet - Angle grabs a side headlock instead. Angle grinding it in - now Rock goes to the ribs - powers out, but Angle hits the shoulderblock. Now it's ANGLE up and over, stopping short when ROCK tries the leapfrog - but when Angle tries to come in with a right hand, Rock blocks it and unleashes his own! Rock ducks a clothesline and hits the belly-to-belly throw. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. We look at Jericho and miss some action - whip is reversed, and Angle catches Rock in a belly-to-belly suplex. Angle brings him back up - right, right, right, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, standing on the neck - referee "Blind" Tim White vociferously protests - Angle stops at 4. Angle spends a bit too long away...Rock fires back - Angle in the corner, right, right, right, out of the corner, whip is reversed, but Rock puts up the elbow. Angle ducks a swing and grabs the waistlock - GERMAN SUPLEX! Angle holds on and make it DOUBLE! Angle wants three but Rock blocks, back elbow, elbow, breaks the waistlock - swing and a miss and Angle retakes control and GETS the third German! Angle's pretty pleased with himself, and he should be. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO! Choke on the second rope - Angle puts a knee in the back for added effect. Wow, lookit that one woman jump up and down. Rock comes back thanks to the healing power of the "Rock E" chant - block, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Angle's head down, Rock kicks. Rock wants the running clothesline but Angle steps aside and puts him over the top to the floor! Angle out after him - chop, chop, chop, scooped up - dropped on the commentary table. While White works to put Angle back in the ring, Jericho leaves his headset and shoves Rock's head into the commentary table, then into the post. Angle back out - rolling Rock (beer) back into the ring...and following. Whip spinebuster and DOWN COME THE STRAPS! ANGLELOCK! Rock reaches for the ropes - a bit too far there...Angle is SCREAMING for him to tap...but Rock *does* manages to reach the ropes. Angle breaks at 4. Angle and White have some more words. Angle back to Rock, to his feet....right by Rock! Right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Rock ducks, DOUBLE clothesline and both men are down. Jericho: "You're a sportscaster, read the thesaurus, dammit! ...I'll slap Mark Yeaton's face, too!" Angle is up first, but Rock blocks, right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Rock with the flying clothesline, ducks a clothesline from Angle, gutshot, DDT, 1, 2, NO! Angle back to his feet but woozy. Rock with a right. Into the ropes is reversed and Kurt lands a short clothesline. Scoop...and a slam. Angle off the ropes but Rock nips up - steps aside and throws Angle out of the ring! Rock follows out - whip into the barrier is reversed by Angle, but Rock pops out with a lariat, THEN grabs Jericho and brings him over the commentary table the hard way! Right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and Jericho falls on the table! Rock grabs Angle and uses his head to headbutt Jericho's crotch! Back in the ring, Rock with the spinebuster...and the sharpshooter! Angle won't give up! He holds on as long as he can...but just as he moves to tap, Jericho pulls White out of the ring! About this time, AWESOMETAKER shows up, goozles Rock and gives HIM a chokeslam. White, seeing Jericho think about bringing a chair into the ring, has his eyes firmly focused on him and misses ALL of that. However, NOW he sees Angle covering Rock, and he's back in - and there's your 1, 2, 3. (9:21) It's Angle vs. Austin, one more time on Monday and I sure can't complain about that! Undertaker at the top of the stage, Rock in the ring - a look is exchanged.
Austin paces (without a limp?) backstage - we'll get his opinion on the upcoming match with Angle right after this! (We'll probably see McMahon one more time, too...)
Catch the WWF LIVE! Saturday, Johnstown! Sunday, Charlottesville! Monday is RAW in Richmond, and Tuesday in Norfolk is SOLD OUT
EARLIER TONIGHT! Stephanie and Hunter said some mean, hurtful things to each other
Coachman talks to Austin. "Do you remember last Monday when I told you, I told the world that Stone Cold Steve Austin wasn't goin' to WrestleMania to face the champ? What? Do you remember that? What? Do you remember that? What? What? What? What? Do you remember that? I told you the story about the man named Jed? Do you remember that too? Well, Stone Cold Steve Austin just beat Booker T, which that means if I beat Kurt Angle, then I face Chris Jericho at No Way Out, so then I don't go--" Oops, Angle's spotted him and the brawl is on. Austin has the upper hand until Angle rakes the eyes...and pings him with a serving tray. Angle stomps away...then grabs the injured leg and clamps on the Anglelock! Angle says "What?" a lot, but Austin fails to tap before the gaggle of referees arrives...
Back to Vince, who looks like he's praying. "The WWF is going to die. I know that. The WWF...has cancer.....because of Ric Flair. Flair's gonna kill it. And the kind of cancer Flair gave the WWF...is the slooow, eating kind of cancer. It's not quick. I'm not gonna let Ric Flair kill what I created. ME. The WWF is MINE. It's MINE. I created it! I'm not gonna let Ric Flair KILL what I created. Because....I'm going to....KILL...what I created! I'm gonna kill it! I'm gonna kill my creation! I'm going to INJECT the WWF with a lethal dose of POISON. If anybody's gonna kill my creation...I'm gonna do it." He spins around - oh, it was a mirror all along. That explains the bandage on the wrong temple, and the wedding ring on the wrong hand.... Oh, look, there's some white paint on the back of his chair. "Me...and the n...W....ohhhhh." Credits are up and we're out.
Wait...but...if it was in the MIRROR, he must have written "oWn" on his chair! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR IS COMING BACK OH MY GOD
Well, what can I tell ya. Vince is nuts, and I'm not talking about how effective his acting came across. Still, how can I NOT watch Monday? You know, they were very careful to deliver two kinds of carrots to entice viewers to RAW - if you aren't interested in Vince going insane and talking about the NWO, you can always be interested in the latest Yet Another Ass-Kickingest Austin/Angle Match Ever, so they hit both ends of the "wrestling vs. sports entertainment" crowd. The only problem is one of them carrots probably obscures a mean stick....we'll have to wait and see to be sure. See you Monday!
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