UPN...Thursday!

TV-PG-DLV One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

EARLIER TODAY! Vince, via tape: "May I have your attention, please. The actions of the NWO last Monday were, in a word, absolutely reprehensible. The NWO should, in fact, be held responsible for their activities by all appropirate authorities, and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. I feel certain that the people in Rosemont, Illinois and Cook county, as well as the individual himself, the Rock, against whom these egregious acts were committed - I feel certain that all parties will be satisfied by the just punishment that the NWO will receive. In fact, I feel that community service is an adequate and appropriate action for the district attorney of Cook county to take (Cole: "That's all?!"), and on behalf of the World Wrestling Federation, I believe you will agree with me that the appropriate action against the NWO would be to *insist* that the NWO publicly apologise to the Rock, and to all of you, tonight. ("That's it?") Thank you."

Opening Credits are Beautiful, People!

HEY WE FOUND A TINY AMOUNT OF MONEY IN THE PYRO BUDGET TONIGHT and once again it's on, coming to you from the SOLD OUT Rockford MetroCentre in Rockford, IL 21.2.2 (taped 19.2) - this show is SAP transmitido en espanol on UPN and the Score and Michael Cole can barely control his outrage!

TONIGHT: What a main event we claim to have for you! Triple H takes on the Undertaker!

KURT ANGLE is out to start things off. Hmm, no ramp usually equals vehicular hijinx later in the show...well, we'll see. Angle on the stick! "Don't start with me, people - I'm not in the mood! I said I'm not in the mood. Last Monday night was a TRAVESTY! I was robbed of my title shot at WrestleMania - shut up! Since then, I've been DYING to take out my frustrations on ANYONE - so here's how it's gonna be. I'm gonna stand right here in the middle of this ring - all night if I have to - until somebody back there is stupid enough to come out here and face me in a match - so I can show him the definition of pain - the kind of pain only an Olympic Gold Medalist is capable of giving. So let's go! If you got the guts, come out here and face me right now - so I can go OLYMPIC on your (ass)! Don't make me come back there!"

KURT ANGLE v. KANE HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO TONIGHT - Go figure. But hey, these two have had good matches befores, so why not? Double axehandle by Angle to start and he just stays on him, not letting him get off the mat and using intense pummeling to keep him down. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda has sprinted out from the back to keep an eye on things. Kane finally back to his feet, shoving away Angle - right, right, clothesline. Scooped up - Angle down the back, and hits the German suplex! Angle going outside...and taking a chair from ring announcer TONY CHIMEL - back in, scaring off Chioda, WHACK in the back, again (DQ 0:41), and one more big chairshot. Geez, I feel like a chump for being optimstic NOW, don't I? Angle winds up for one more big chairshot, but Kane manages to barrel Angle over, taking BOTH men through the ropes to the outside. Angle recovers first - pair of forearms - now they exchange rights. Kane with a knee - and Kane puts Angle into the STEEL steps. I think he's getting an idea...sure enough, Kane does a little furniture moving - table top off, monitors cleared, Angle in the choke...but Angle uses the low blow to escape. Kane staggers behind the commentary table - Angle grabs a waistlock and suplexes Kane through the table! Amazingly, Angle isn't done - GERMAN SUPLEX on the table corpse!! Angle stands over Kane and gives him nine rights. Hearing the bell ring again, Angle walks over to timekeeper MARK YEATON..oh oh, don't cross Angle - BELLY-TO-BELLY ON YEATON ON THE FLOOR!!!!!!! Awesome. Angle takes a chair and takes it to Kane's angle - I counted seven chairshots (and, coincidentally I'm sure, seven camera cuts at the "time of impact") - and now Angle decides to clamp on the Anglelock for good measure. WOW that's the first guy Kane's had tap to that anklelock in...well, I'm sure it just SEEMS like forever. Finally, some more REFS are out and Angle finally relents. Check that - he's BACK on Kane with the anklelock. Angle hits the ring as his music plays again. Kane is rather upset about things.

Flair tells Arn this is what he's talking about - this place is out of control. They need to get a grip on things. "Oh, we gotta get a grip, all right..." Undertaker has barged the party - nice hoody, Taker! "Well, Flair...I come to you Monday night - I said me and you at WrestleMania. Now you've had a few days to think about it... (sniffs) what is it, me and you, we gonna dance at WrestleMania or not?" "Well I have been thinkin' about it, but with everything that's goin' on between the NWO, Rock and Austin, I got a lot on my plate. And as co-owner of the World Wrestling Federation--" "Stop, man, hey! I don't give a DAMN about any of that other crap. I want an answer...yes or no?" "No." Taker rubs his hood. "You see, that's just like you, man. To be a coward like that. Sure, you could book me in a match with Triple H tonight...but when it comes to you and me at WrestleMania...well, you're not there then, are ya. Well that's fine...but I want you to understand this. That's the last no answer I'm gonna take. 'cause come Monday night, something tells me your answer's gonna be yes." Taker and Arn share a stare. Hmmm.... "I guess when it come to Horsemen...you were the one with all the guts." OHHHH

UP NEXT: An update on the condition of the Rock! Teaser clips of Monday clips - we'll see where that truck ends up when we come back!

Big Show and some NASCAR dudes (I think) shill Stacker 2

Tazz invites you to smack down your vote! Visit smackdownyourvote.com!

Hey look! It's the exterior of the Rockford MetroCentre - and it's raining!

Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. The mood turns somber as talk turns to the Rock.

LAST SUNDAY, 8:01 PM: Let Us Take You Back to No Way Out, where it wasn't *really* 8:01 - I'm pretty sure it was a different time zone. Clips from the opening interview - if you PAID to see it, you're a chump.

10:38 PM: clips from the Undisputed championship match - the NWO runs in. If you PAID to see it, you're a chump.

LAST MONDAY: Austin calls out the NWO, who come out...but then leave. This leads to Angle getting Austin arrested. Go read the RAW report - that was 9:17 PM, courtesy helpful chyron

9:39 PM: The NWO leaves - or do they? Hogan says he's got something else he needs to do

9:52 PM: It took Hogan thirteen minutes to get to the ring? Wow, doesn't that makes it look even more ludicrous? Blah blah Hogan, blah blah Rock, what's that thing I like to say sometimes...oh yeah. FUHFUHWID Don't get me wrong, I thought this was a great set of dueling in-ring promos...but dammit, I SEEN this on Monday. I'm sorry that maybe somebody missed it, but you're punishing ME by replaying what feels like THE WHOLE DAMN THING. Finally, the WrestleMania match is made. The standard beeping of "ass" is replaced by a beep made of white noise instead.

10:07 PM: Well, that wasn't fifteen minutes just now, so I suppose I should at least be grateful of THAT. Three men on one, the advantage of surprise...the three manage to win out.

10:18 PM: Rock to the ambulance - I guess by displaying the time on the screen, they are attempting to reinforce that you can't miss a minute of RAW...hmm, "don't miss a minute" - that sounds familiar... but anyway, what they're ACTUALLY reinforcing is that a supermajority of RAW was taken up by this bit. Also, I didn't notice it at the time, but the ambulance Rock is loaded in *is* a completely different one from the ambulance that emerges from the tunnel - and for the WWF, that's pretty sloppy...or "par for the course," depending on what you've been thinking of the WWF recently. Well, at least some new camera angles (inside the ambulance, from the front of the truck) are added.

The NWO - are - WALKING! They carry a piece of paper which presumably contains their apology. Let's take another ad break.

Tough Enough 2 starts NEXT Thursday!

When we return, a subdued NWO walk out to the ring. Nash is up first. Cole mentions that they can't speak from the heart - their apology requires a *script*. "'As a proud member of the NWO, and a loyal and faithful employee of Mr. Vince McMahon, I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to the viewers of Monday's telecast of the television program RAW. For those of you who have witnessed the actions perpetrated by the three of us, I would ask that you would accept my heartfelt apology...and understand that no one realises more than we do that our actions on Monday were...heinous...and inexcusable.'" Hall: "'I would like to take this time to wish the Rock a speedy recovery, and hope that he will be at 100% for WrestleMania. Please don't confuse the fact that this statement was cleared by Vince McMahon's attorneys with the fact that as human beings we are deeply disappointed in ourselves, for our actions Monday were unconscionable. And just for the record, we are not apologising tonight - tonight, because Vince McMahon told us we have to. We are apologising tonight from our hearts, because we know what we did was wrong. I'm sorry.'" Hogan: "'I would like to thank the district attorney's office for their acceptance of Mr. McMahon's attorneys' suggestions that a lesser charge be filed, even though the Rock assaulted me first. I would like to thank Mr. McMahon's attorneys for arranging the community service we will perform in light of our action. And most of all, I would like to thank Vince McMahon for his willingness to accept our apology, and for his understanding, love and support. And on a personal note, Rock, I ask your forgiveness...for Rock, I have forgiven you for attacking me first, because I am truly, truly sorry.'" Hogan puts the paper in his pocket, and adds "But trust me, icon...and believe in my heart, People's Champ, I'm not gonna be sorry for what I'm gonna do to you at WrestleMania." Hit the music...but it's interrupted by the breaking of glass, and out drives STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN in his truck out to the ring. Quick tire iron shots for Nash, for Hogan, into the ring and the chase is on for Hall - Austin catches up to him in the aisle and gives him a Gillooly treatment. Austin gets an idea, gets back in his truck...backs up...but Hogan and Nash have already helped Hall up and clear of the path. Austin leaves his truck...and we take an ad break.

So do you think Austin clears it ahead of time with the stage crew? "Yeah, guys, I think I'm gonna need to drive my truck out there tonight. Can you just not put up the stage and ramp for me? I'll make it worth your while!"

Booker T shills fried chicken. But not sweet potatoes! That would be STEREOTYPING!

Catch the WWF live Satuday in Buffalo, Sunday in Manchester, Monday in Providence and Tuesday in Boston! Sunday and Monday are SOLD OUT, by the way...

DURING THE BREAK! The NWO headed to their limo (easily identified by the "NWO" license plate) but found that the tires had been slashed - and "What?" had been spray painted on the sides. Austin drove out after them....then got out to pursue them on foot - actually catching them before they cut away (oops). Say, wouldn't it have been faster if Austin hadn't bothered to get back in his truck? But those post-production guys REALLY like adding tire screeches!!

KING EDGE (with SmackDown! is brought to you by truth, "Resident Evil," and Hungry Man TV dinners) v. CHRISTIAN - Because the WWF pyro budget has been depleted, Christian only gets one side of sparkly curtain effects - noticing this, Christian breaks into a pre-match tantrum. Here we go: Block by Edge, right, right, right, into the ropes, Christian over the back, and manages the modified backbreaker. Christian poses on the ropes - took too long - Edge puts the shoulder in the gut and takes him to the corner - right, right, right, right, right, right, kick, kick, into the opposite corner is reversed, but Edge pops out with a clothesline. Edge taken over the top, but he hangs onto the rope - so Edge slides out underneath him and pulls him down the hard way. Christian into the barricade. Edge with a kick. Overhand right. Christian tossed back in as referee "Blind" Mike Sparks has counted all the way to....1. Edge too slow coming in - Christian manages to get the second rope in that sensitive area while Edge is straddling. Christian right, right, right, off the ropes to shove him back to the floor. And now Christian's out again. He's got Edge - head to the STEEL steps. Back into the ring, barely beating the...1 count. C'mon, PRETEND to get CLOSE to 10. Hung up on the top rope. Mount, right, right, right, right, right, choke. 1, 2, no. Cole says Austin was released on OR Monday. Head to the buckle by Christian - chop - climbs to the second rope and poses...only gets three of the Ten Punch Count Along before Edge shoves him off - and lands a Viscera. Here comes Edge - right, righ,t right, off the ropes with the clothesline - catches the swing and hooks him into his modified bulldog - for 2. Christian into the ropes - big back body drop! Gutshot - Edgecution is BLOCKED - and Christian counters with the slop drop. Christian senses imminent victory, if only Edge would get up so he can get him into the Unprettier...but Edge shoves out of the attempt, ducks a clothesline, hits the SPEAR - and puts on the standing figure four - and Christian taps! (3:30) Lawler says it's called the "figure four Edgelock," works for me. Edge leaves as we take a replay of the finish. Time to move back to the ring for Christian's tantrum....well, he's got the mic instead. "I guess you're expecting me to throw a temper temper tantrum, huh? And I guess you like the fact that a former intercontinental, European and seven-time tag team champion can't win a match anymore, huh? Well I'm not gonna cry. I'll do you one better. As of right now...I QUIT!" Crowd cheers, awwww MAN.

We cut to an office where Nash and Hogan have run to - and holed up in. "Locked!" "Scott - Scott, you all right?" "Kev, Scott's not here." "Well where the hell's he at?!" "I don't know, he's always with you." "We gotta go out and get him, man." Hogan does his best dramatic voice. "No, no...Stone Cold could be out there." Wow THIS IS BELIEVABLE. "Just give him a couple seconds, okay? He'll probably do an end around or something." "God, he's crazy, he's nuts." "You know, Kev...you're right...let's get Scott." "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa - whoa, whoa - whoa, maybe you're right. Scott's resourceful. He'll get back here." "Yeah, it's smarter. Just let me get my wind back." See, Hogan CAN sell the ribs! (Or they're getting across that he's OLD...no, they probably didn't want to get THAT across.)

You're watching UPN! Like it or not, you are!

WWF Fear Factor is Monday! Check your local (NBC) listing!

Steve Austin is WALKING! I guess he was off to find a cameraman to follow him around or something. He enters a walk-in freezer, where Scott Hall is duct taped to a chair - also duct tape over his mouth. "You coolin' off? Worked up a little sweat there, didn't ya? Huh? Runnin' from Stone Cold, you worked up a sweat, you coolin' off?" Austin lovingly fixes Hall's hair for him. Is this what bondage porn is like? "You don't mind if I drink a beer, do you? Do you mind if I drink a beer? Is that gonna upset you? Am I gonna offend you if I drink a beer? Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh - hehehehe - you come in here screwin' with Stone Cold Steve Austin, did you think you were funny? You didn't impress me one bit. You little (beep), you got something to say to me? Huh? You got something you want to say to Stone Cold Steve Austin that's gonna impress me?" Austin tenderly caresses Hall's face with his tire iron. Hey, I think he wants to DO him! "You come into the World Wrestling Federation looking to make a name for yourself on Stone Cold? Ruin my title shot? Where's your little friends? Huh? What? Where's your little friends now, what? Where ARE they?" Austin grabs two bottles of Bud Light (I kidnap a man and you give me LIGHT beer?) He unscrews one and takes a swig. "You want one of these?" He rests it on Hall's shoulder. It tries to roll off, twice, so he fixes it. Austin grabs Hall's string of hair and puts it back over his face. "You gon' learn - real fast - that you don't screw with Stone Cold Steve Austin. I'll be back in a little while!" Hall fails to look at the cameraman and beg for him to free him. Wotta dummy.

HARDY BOYZ (with Cheata - and TV-PG-DLV ratings box) and POINTS TO SELF v. LANCE STORM (with SAP transmitido en espanol box) and DUDLEY BOYZ (with Stacy Dudley) - D-Von and Jeff start. Knee by D-Von, right, right, into the ropes, Hardy ducks and hits a dropkick off the ropes. Hardy right, right, into the ropes is reversed, but Jeff hits a flying forearm. Tag to Matt. In the corner, doubleteam kicks - and a double suplex. Referee "Blind" Chad Patton gets Jeff out as Matt covers. 1, 2, no. Hardy right, right, kick, into the ropes, head down, D-Von kicks. At this point, Bubba calls over Patton in order to distract him...the only problem is they NEVER manage to actually frame this in the shot, so it makes no sense to the non-savvy viewer (or recapper) that Storm would come flying in with a blind clothesline without being caught. Storm stays in without a tag - again, it's too much to ask that we see that the Patton is missing this, I suppose. Knee by Storm, knee, knee in the corner, dragged out and he puts him down with a right...for 2. Hardy tries to fire back with a right, Storm with a right, Hardy, Storm, Hardy, Hardy, off the ropes is Hardy but Storm lands a NICE dropkick hooks the leg - and gets another 2. Tag out to D-Von. Held open for a big right hand. Into the ropes, poised for the jumpin' back elbow. "Who's the man?" Tag to Bubba, who makes sure he's held open for the right hand. Clubbing forearm in the back - make it two. Scoop...and a slam. Off the ropes with a big swinging elbowdrop. Another elbowdrop. "Here you go STUPID RVD" mocking pose and drops the hammer - but only gets 2. Another forearm in the back. Dudley puts Matt on top facing out, and climbs up after him. Forearm in the back, forearm. Hardy manages two elbows to put him back in the ring - and hits a moonsault off the top! Hardy drapes an arm over him - 1, 2, no! Lita starts the rhythmic clapping, which eventually drowns out the "RVD" chant. D-Von...and manages to shove Jeff off the apron before Matt can make it there for a tag. "Who's the man?" #2. Scoops him up, but Hardy goes down the back and hits a slop drop! Again Lita hits the apron. Tag to Storm - HOT TAG TO VAN DAM! I think van Dam was supposed to block something here, but Storm didn't throw anything so it just ends up looking awful, let's blow by it - van Dam elbow, elbow, elbow, into the ropes, Viscera kick! Ducks a heel kick and lands one of his own - D-Von in - van Dam ducks, catches the kick and hits the stepover kick. Free shot puts Bubba off the apron to the floor. Storm manages to get one in, but the whip into the corner is reversed, then van Dam follows him, springs up and off with a back kick! One more vault - but Stacy is in, and crotches him on the turnbuckle - van Dam falls to the floor. Lita is in...but the Dudleys are behind her. Lita rares back to take a swing at Stacy, but D-Von hooks the arm. HE wants a shot at her, but Matt stops HIM - right hand, gutshot, Twist of Fate is SHOVED off, and Matt falls into 3D! But (D-Von is not the legal man - neither is Matt) D-Von's cover is broken at 2 by Jeff's swantonbomb! Jeff ducks Bubba's clothesline - which Storm ends up eating - double leg takedown by Jeff, Hardyz in the House legdrop...Storm back up again, superkick on Jeff. This brings in Lita with a Cheatacanrana on Storm...and then van Dam hits a Fivestar frog splash. Yikes. Suddenly, Patton hits his forehead as if to say "I coulda had a V-8!" but actually it's as if to say "oh, THESE are the legal men!" and counts 1, 2, 3. (5:18) Patton didn't really do any of that - I doubt the production crew could have caught it anyway.

Hogan says they need to go after Scott. Nash says that's good and all, but they need to get some weapons to counter the crowbar. After careful pauses at the door...Hogan and Nash take off.

And now, the Whack of the Night, brought to you by tobacco - MMMMMMM, TOBACCO. From RAW, Triple H steals the title shot that Kurt Angle rightfully earned and I'm just sick about it. It may not have actually happened this way...my short-term memory just isn't what it used to be since the wrestling kinda died out

Interesting, they usually do those coming *out* of ad breaks and not going *into* them. Maybe they figured out nobody was watching them?

Commentators shill the UPN Friday movie, "Lethal Weapon 3"

Ric Flair is talking to ME on his cel phone! He's interrupted by Stephanie McMahon, who leans over so as to show off her breasts, shrieks, and let's see if Flair sneaks a peek or not. Nah, he pretty much keeps his eyes locked on her. Anyway blah blah blah, we hear a toilet flush and Stephanie turns her threats of slapping from Flair to his "horseman buddy" using the john - she turns round and oh! it's Triple H instead. Why are they saying "Horsemen" so much tonight, anyway? Triple H says "life's a (bitch), then you marry one" and she screams again. "Hey, Steph - don't leave mad, just leave!" They shake hands - EWWWW I don't think Triple H washed after he was done!"

Back to Austin, who has taken Hall out of the freeze and wheeled him...somewhere else. He asks Hall if he wants to go for a ride with him. Crowd says "hell yeah" 'cause Hall can't. Austin asks if the three letters on his chest is supposed to impress him, what, intimidate him, what, if it does it don't. "You mind if I drink a beer? Another beer? Before I take you on this ride?" Austin asks if Hall can be the designated driver, since he's had too much to drink tonight. "It'd be stupid - just like you were stupid to interfere with Stone Cold Steve Austin's match!" Well, this is what you get for coming between a junkie and his stuff, man. I'd transcribe this for you, but it's so much like the freezer speech. Austin wheels Hall's office chair...and, man, Hall is struggling SO hard, he doesn't even bother to let his feet drag on the floor.

Kurt Angle shills 1-800-CAL-LATT.

It's time now for the Stacker 2 Burn of the Week! From No Way Out, the APA outlast Billy & Chuck to take the WrestleMania tag team title shot.

Hogan and Nash have found a shovel and a pipe. "Yo Kev, they were in here, man." Nash does an admirable job of sucking in his gut. Hogan says they gotta go kick Stone Cold's ass several times, and doesn't get bleeped.

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: TAZZZZZZZZ & SPIKE DUDLEY v. BANDANA BOYZ - Cole hypes Mark Henry's entrance in this weekend's "World's Strongest Man" competition at the Arnold Schwarzenegger something or other - hey, I just thought it was weird to hear them pull out Mark Henry's name all of a sudden. The Acolytes are kicking back watching this match on the TV - and that's probably all we'll see of them tonight. (Hey, thanks for coming out, guys!) Here we go, and it's Chuck and Tazz. Chuck is amused by the height difference, as are we. Pieface by Chuck. Tazz comes back with a right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, leapfrog doesn't happen when Tazz stops short - six quick rights until Billy makes the save. As referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas puts Billy out of the ring, Tazz brings Chuck to the corner and opens him up for Spike's PERRO AGUAYO! Spike does his ECW wave while "ha, ha"ing Billy. Tazz kick in the head, kick, kick, axehandle. Grabs a waistlock - Chuck runs to the ropes and Billy clocks him in the head to turn it around. Chuck takes advantage - kick, kick, forearm in the back, stomp, stomp, tag, but first run him into Billy's boot, okay. In comes Billy. Wow, Cole has said "Palumbo" like A MILLION TIMES in this match. That ain't right, didn't he get the memo? Now Cole's saying "Gunn!" Billy kick, right, kick, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, hope I got 'em all, hey Lawler finally reminds Cole that these guys don't have last names anymore. Chuck adds a few stomps as well. Chuck in without a tag - kick, right, kick, right. Discus right. Chuck shows off his ponytails. Right hand. Into the corner. Tazz gets the elbow up. Tazz ducks a roundhouse kick but Chuck connects with a gutshot - but Tazz counters the DDT attempt with a Northern Lights Tazzplex for 2! Chuck clotheslines him down. Chuck takes too long - T-bone Tazzplex! Both men down - crowd comes alive (sorta). Tag to Billy, HOT TAG TO SPIKE! Duck, right, right, right, right, right, off the ropes with the knockdown, off the ropes, swinging DDT gets 2. Off the ropes, but runs into a gutshot. Billy wants the powerbomb but Spike punches away...then manages a headscissors that takes BOTH men out of the ring. Chuck in, Tazz ducks the clothesline and puts on the Tazzmission! Billy breaks that up, coming back in with a forearm to the back. Tazz kicked outside. Spike with a surprise gutshot, wants the Dudley 'dog, but Gunn throws him off....right into the JUNGLE KICK! Gunn adds the Fame-Ass'er...covers...1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have new tag team champions. (3:14) "Exuberant" celebration follows. We check on the APA...who react as if they're itching to say "damn," yet say it in a manner that's not tired and overused at all...fortunately, they don't get the chance.

Austin is STILL wheeling Hall around (how big IS this building?) and offering to sing him a song. We come to a cage marked "Engineering" - "Nah, I can't take you there, I ain't got a college degree!" They settle on "Maintenance." There's a spotlight set up there, so Austin wheels him in. "That's what you wanted isn't it? To be in the spotlight? You're a big star!" Austin undoes Hall's ponytail 'cause it makes him sick. Austin says his little friends will come looking for him - he's a piece of cheese, the bait for his friends. "Because they like ya - why, I have no idea." When they show up, they'll say hello to HIS little friend. "Just sit there and shut up. Thank you." Oh MAN IF ONLY Hogan and Nash could just turn on a TV! I mean, Austin just revealed his *entire* plan to them! AUSTIN'S SO STUPID - NO WAIT, HOGAN AND NASH ARE SO STUPID because they can't take advantage of this - ohhhhhh my head is really starting to hurt

4 WEEKS UNTIL WRESTLEMANIA X-8 WILL I HAVE GIVEN UP BY THEN

LILIAN GARCIA congratulates Billy & Chuck on their big victory. "Oh, Lilian, you have no idea. This is probably the greatest night of my life. I mean, you know, I couldn't have done it without Chuck, and that's what makes it so special. You know, man--" "No, I couldn't have done it without YOU, man." (together) "We couldn't have done it without each other." "Yeah, exactly. You know I've had a lot of partners in the past, great partners, but none as great as Chuck, man, you're the best partner ever." "Man, you're the greatest. Your personality...that beautiful physique...and most of all...that fun-loving attitude, man! I love it!" "Thanks, man - hey, whoa whoa - whoa whoa! Hey you're not here to spoil our party here, are you?" The APA are in the frame now. Faarooq: "Hell no, man, we here to congratulate you on your victory! Hey, live it up! Have a ball! Getchyor freak on!" "Yeah, have yourself a party! Getchya a cameraman, take yourself some photos with those shiny new tag team belts! HUG each other, tell ya how PURTY each other is! But whatever you do, get used to bein' close, 'cause come WrestleMania, you two can kiss each other's ass, and those belts, goodbye! See ya in Toronto...ladies!" "Oh yeah? We'll see about THAT!

Over to Nash & Hogan, who are calling for Scott. "He's not here, Kev." Engineering is locked. They spy him in Mechanical. They get the tape off his mouth...but Austin whacks each of 'em, then slams the door of the cyclone fence wall and wheels Hall away as Nash pretends he's in jail. "There's No Way Out, get it? There's No Way Out!" (You know, those doors DO open from the other side...maybe they're just chickenshit. Nah, maybe this SHOW is chickenshit.) Nash: "You're dead, Austin, you're dead!" Hogan: "Come back here, you coward!" Hall fails to say anything.

Booker T shills Hungry Man #2 - hey, think we'll see Booker T in anything other than a Hungry Man ad tonight? No, me either. Sigh.

"WWF" & "Raw" Magazines spot

STEFFO may have dropped the "-Helmsley" from her last name, but she still comes out to Triple H's old music. Well, I don't know about you, but I see *no* reason to break my streak of ignoring her promos tonight. Strangely, it's just like old times as the Y2J countdown interrupts her before she even gets to waste an entire minute yammering - MR. JERICHO is out. He takes her mic! Thank heaven for small favours? "Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie - you know we haven't spoken too much ever since I became the (hushed reverence) UNDISPUTED WWF Champion. But standing back there, listening to you speak, I wanted to come out here and tell you something FACE TO FACE. You know, I used to come to this ring and call you FILTHY. I used to call you DIRTY. And DISGUSTING. I used to call you a TRASHBAG, but you know what, Stephanie? I never really meant any of those things. I'm being completely honest, I never really meant those terrible names that I called ya. I was just sayin' those things to try and get a rise out of all these people - I was just sayin' those things to try and make these people like me, but what did that ever get me? Nothing! Where did that ever take me? Nowhere! And just as I was wrong about caring what all these jackasses thought about me...I was wrong about how I thought about you, Stephanie." That's it, I'm outta here. "In reality, I actually kind of admire you, Steph. And in reality, now that I'm focused - focused - now that I've become a living legend - now that I am the Undisputed WWF Champion, I see you for exactly who you are...and that is, a brilliant, calculating, conniving genius! And it's because of that genius that I am convinced that without you, Triple H is absolutely nothing!" Stephanie takes the mic back and agrees...and takes quite a few words to get there, too. Crowd chants "slut." Anyway, this leads to Stephanie getting the idea that they should unite - with she in his corner, he'd never, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER lose the title. She asks if they should be MORE than friends - they should be business partners! "What do I say? I say that Triple H's worst nightmare just came true." Probably not JUST Triple H, Chris. For an encore, the four new friends join the commentators as the main event begins...

THE NEW MAN v. AWESOMETAKER - Looking at Stephanie...listening to Stephanie, I almost - I ALMOST wish even *Kevin Nash* could be in Stephanie McMahon's place in the company. After a prolonged entrance, H leaves the ring, gives a good look to Jericho and Stephanie - takes another swig of water and spits on 'em. Jerihco removes his headset and rushes H - H right, right, head to the STEEL steps standing on end, right, right, right, right, right, in the ring, Jericho manages an elbowdrop, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, H with the knee. Stephanie with the INCREDIBLY OVERRATED SLAP! H is unhappy about things. Grabs her by the hair - but Jericho saves the Pedigree. H right, clothesline puts Jericho out - H follows as Jericho tries to make his escape. H right, clotheslined over the barricade, and NOW "Rollin'" starts up. H hits the ring and acts like he really wants Taker - just not enough to leave the ring and run out after him instead. Referee "Blind" Tim White manages to stand between H and the ropes at all times as Taker does his circuit on his beautiful Bourget Python bike. Taker making sure to take his sweet time getting off the bike. H manages a right hand as Taker hits the apron. Taker thinks about storming the ring a second time...but puts up his hand instead. I don't know what he's saying, but he just pointed to his head - AHHHHAHAHAHAHA he's back on his motorcycle and driving away! Man, the Undertaker makes EVERYTHING all right

Oh, damn, we're back to the kidnapping bit. "Get up! Oh, I get it - 'Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!' What?" With one stomp, ALL the duct tape comes FLYING off of Hall - wow, way to help me suspend my disbelief! Austin throws Hall into the bed of the truck - one more crowbar shot to the sternum to make sure he stays there - and Austin starts driving. Wait, has he sobered up yet?

Final ad break - we hope

Tough Enough 2 ad #2

Break the glass one more time - STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN drives to the ring one more time - well, there you go, it ain't drunk driving if he never goes onto a public road. Igloo into the ring. Austin to the truck bed - CLEAN & SOBER is still in there - Austin gives him a right hand, then runs him into the ring. Austin pops open a cold one, then smacks Hall with it. Austin with another beer - and a mic. Hall to his feet - ANOTHER beer to the head. See, they were right - beer ISN'T good for Hall! "Hey yo! I said hey yo! Hey yo. You wanna play with Stone Cold Steve Austin? Is that what I'm gettin' from you? Do you think you're funny? Are you supposed to amuse me? Make me laugh? Make me smile? Slap my knee? Split my sides? No! I said no. Oh, you ain't gotta run off" - field goal kick - "I said you ain't gotta run off so quick. I thought we'd drink a beer - a cerveza - a brewski - a Steveweiser - (kick) - you don't like to drink beer? Huh? What? You ain't thirsty? You cost me the title and now you don't wanna drink beer with me? You're hurtin' my feelings! I'm gettin' sad! Melancholy - I wanna cry! I said I wanna cry! Cry! 'cause that sum(bitch) don't wanna drink beer with me (stomp)! I'll tell you what. Scott, can I tell you a story? Can I tell you a story? I wanna tell you a story. A lullaby. A chain of events. (field goal kick) 'scuse me. Did that hurt? I'm sorry. My apologies. I didn't mean to hurt your little ribs. You know what I'm gonna do ladies and gentlemen? I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna express myself. I'm gonna verbalize. I'm gonna communicate. What I'm gonna do - is kick (kick) this sum(bitch) every time you say 'what.'" Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp - stomp. "I'd keep kicking but I don't wanna wear out a good shoe. You wanna cost me the title, are you okay? Are you okay? What? You all right? You drunk? You got a buzz? You don't feel good? You can't drive? You ain't got designated driver?" Right hand puts him down. "Dammit, that's my drinkin' hand! I told you once, you son of a bitch - Stone Cold Steve Austin is the last son of a bitch that you want to mess with. Do you understand me? Tell your friends. Hulk Hogan - Kevin Nash - your teammates - your buddies - your confidants - I ain't got no more words." We see Hogan and Nash attempt to force the door...aparrently oblivious to the fact that it opens from the back. Austin has another beer. "Last thing I got to say to you - get up, you wanna drink a beer with me? You wanna drink a beer? You thirsty? Are you done? Get up. I'm tired - of whippin' - your ass - let's drink a beer - because...there you go." Austin offers the toast - laughs - laughs - KICK WHAM STUNNER. Austin's watch is talking to him...he goes back to the truck and finds a can of spraypaint in the truck - removes Hall's shirt and listens to the crowd's chant.....shoots the beer and paints "3:16" on Hall's back. Play his music!

Well, hell. That didn't take too long, now...did it. I think I'm just about to cross that fine line from "losing patience" to "completely fed up." And boy, won't THAT be fun. (For who?) For NOBODY.

CRZ
[slash] wrestling