I GET IMs:
Huzzah! The debut of a new feature!
Some Guy: Hi.
Some Guy: I'd like to chat with you when you get a minute.
See Our Zed: Why? Who are you?
Some Guy: I'm [Some Guy] and I'm the editor of [domain name]. We've talked once or twice. I dig your reviews and I'd like to run them on my site.
Some Guy: There would be no pay, but your dominance of the internet would grow.
See Our Zed: But they're already on my site
Some Guy: Right.
Some Guy: But you'd be reaching more people
Some Guy: You're on OO as well as your own site already, so why not be on another?
See Our Zed: Well, see, Rick's a good friend - you're some guy.
Some Guy: True, but it's not like it you have anything to lose.
See Our Zed: And nothing to gain. Sorry, I have to decline.
Some Guy: Ok. Some Guy: Bye.
KINGS UPDATE: OH NO ANOTHER TWO GAME LOSING STREAK - but at least we're still alone in first...for now... (42-17)
TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Ric Flair is WALKING! And pounding on the door with the "Deadman Inc." sign on it...he really wants in! Listen to all that bleeping!
On the other side of that door, there's ALSO a cameraman - Taker is busy watching the tape of his performance on Monday. "Hey Flair, take it easy on my door! I can't hear your son gettin' his (ass) kicked. Hey Flair, your boy's a bleeder, just like Arn Anderson! Takes a hell of an (ass)kickin'...you know what Ric? Your boy's got more guts than you do! He can suuuure take an (ass)kickin'..." and chuckles.
Flair says fine, he's going to the ring NOW.
Opening Credits are beautiful, people!
How about some pyro YES I BELIEVE I WILL - WE ARE LIVE from the Freeman Coliseum in San Antonio, TX - and SAP transmitido en espanol 7.3.2 and thank YOU, UPN, for making sure you place the words "Recorded Earlier" on my screen EVERY time somebody or something says LIVE...what, are you gonna get SUED by California or something?
TONIGHT: The Rock RETURNS!
Out comes THE MAN. "Undertaker! Put this on your highlight reel! Five months ago, I came to the World Wrestling Federation - my dream had come true! I was no longer a wrestler; I was an owner. But McMahon couldn't live with it - so McMahon pushed me, hounded me, goaded me, one more time to walk the aisle. And I did. At the Royal Rumble. And I KICKED Vince McMahon's [ass]!" Strange, they're going for the muting instead of the bleeping - hmmmmm I wonder if that first bit was pre-taped so they could bleep it - hmmmm - but they said "LIVE!" HMMMMMMMMMMM. Oh, sorry, back to Flair. "Then, you knocked at my door, you walked through, you said 'Flair, I want you on the grandest stage of them all...' and I said 'big man, you got my respect, but you ain't got my time, and I'm not gonna wrestle ya.' And you said, 'we'll see.' Then, you went and jumped on Arn Anderson. And he bled, and he sweats, and he pays the price, and I almost jumped. Do you know why I didn't? Because Double A looked at me, he said 'Ric, don't let him getchya. Don't let the Undertaker get the best of ya. He's too much for ya.' Do you know why he said that? Because he's my best friend! And he loves me, and I love him! And he didn't wanna see my legacy and my career come to an end because of the Dead Man. Still wasn't enough. Then, you go...to my son, and you know what today is? Today is his twenty-third birthday! But he can't celebrate, because he's laying in a bed somewhere because o' you. You got my attention. It's not about my legacy, it's not about bein' Ric Flair, the wrestler, fifteen times champion, it's about you and me, and my friend, your trophy case isn't big enough to hold Ric Flair, the wrestler. Vince McMahon's trophy case is not big enough to hold Ric Flair, the wrestler! And [God dammit], as of tonight, I'm a wrestler again. And if we're gonna play by the rules the Nature Boy - woooo! - has played by his whole life, then when we meet, we're gonna walk that aisle, you from there, me from there, two of us will get in the ring, and brother, I want to bleed. You like blood? (slaps himself) I'll bleed! Come on! Come on! You can't hurt me, and I promise you, the grandest stage of all - Undertaker, you got it. The Nature Boy at Wres - tle - Mania! Woooo! I'm - going - to hurt you - Dead Man." The easy sound of Limp Bizkit interrupts at this point and AWESOMETAKER walks out....and stops at the stage. "Ric - man, you need to calm down just a little bit. Hey! You're taking all the fun out of this whole thing. Now listen...I been thinkin' since Monday night...and to be quite honest with ya...I'm not really sure that I still wanna fightcha at WrestleMania." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HOW AWESOME IS HE "Now - now listen. I've thought about it...I'm willing, I'm willing to let bygones be bygones, be the bigger man, and forgive you for everything that you put me through. But really, I'm just not sure that me and you need to fight at WrestleMania. But I'll tell you what. It's just like you told me...I'm gonna think about it...and I'll give you my answer later tonight." DAMN but isn't the Undertaker just the coolest man on earth and my personal hero.
Stephanie McMahon is WALKING! Triple H meets up with her and they share some of the dumbest dialogue I've ever heard. Cliff's Notes: Triple H is returning the Corvette Vince bought her when she turned 16...and he wants his dog back. Punchline is "Isn't one bitch in the house enough?" and believe me, it ain't much of a punchline at that, but boy they sure built to it! Remind me to come back to this later if I've got time, just so we can lay it down for posterity. The delivery in particular is just.....oy. Oh, and Stephanie is smirking at the dry cleaning or whatever she's carrying on that hanger, as if to say "oh yes, you'll see me in another segment soon enough"
Big Show shills Stacker 2
And now, the Whack of the Night, presented by Whacko Tobacco! From RAW, Rob van Dam manages the victory over Lance Storm
WILLIAM REGAL has joined the commentators for the next match...
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: POINTS TO SELF (with SmackDown! is brought to you by Whacko Tobacco, Stacker 2, and Xbox - three things you can't get enough of) v. GOLDUST - van Dam has absolutely no trace of a limp...oh well, so much for that. van Dam somersaults over the top rope to the floor in mid-entrance for Goldust and we're off with the bell ringing as they start on the outside. Right, right, right, kick, right, whip into the barricade is reversed by Goldust, but van Dam dumps him over the barricade on the charge. Head to the barricade, forearm, kick, up on the apron to point to himself...but misses on the guillotine. Goldust with the clothesline. Underneath the ring where a gold trashcan lid is - WHACK! Goldust tosses in two gold trashcans and a gold chair - well I guess we know who put THOSE there, at least. Goldust back in the ring - shot in the back, uppercut, into the ropes, van Dam ducks, grabs a lid and WHACKS Goldust. van Dam has the chair - tumbling run to the corner, monkey flip out and Goldust lands on the chair where van Dam left it. Regal's left the commentary area...van Dam with a baseball slide to *Regal*...then turns back to take a big clothesline from Goldust. Goldust takes over, stomp, stomp, drops the hammer, van Dam put in the corner and set up for Shattered Dreams...chop, Goldust with a pose...but decides to grab a trashcan instead of kicking him in the nuts. EITHER would probably work, but he's taken too long - van Dam's out of the corner and tumbling forward - dropkick to the can to Goldust - 1, 2, NO! Kick to the back of the head, trip and Goldust falls into the corner - van Dam picks up the chair, then dropkicks the chair to Goldust's head (arms) - Regal's up on the apron, though, and gives van Dam the Power of the Punch, which is enough to stun him for a quick rollup by Goldust. (2:52) Replay catches Regal loading up his fist with the ubiquitous brass knuckles.
Tough Enough 2 ad - Season Premiere is TONIGHT!
RAW for Xbox ad - man they're using "My Way" for THIS instead of for WrestleMania?
Here's a look at the Riverwalk in San Antonio...I guess they couldn't get a decent shot of the Coliseum...?
Saliva's "Superstar" is a theme from WrestleMania - check out the CD cover
The graphic don't lie - Stone Cold vs. Scott Hall - WrestleMania!
Your hosts are a pair of kings, MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER.
LAST MONDAY: Almost three minutes of Austin and the NWO from go read the RAW report
Commentators yak a bit more about the POISON of the NWO - Austin suffered a concussion, and who knows how long HE'LL be out of action
In the dressing room, Chris Jericho meets up with Stephanie - he's got her water. Jericho complains about all the chores he's having to do, given that he's the man who's beaten the Rock and Austin in the same night AS WELL AS put Triple H out of action for eight months... Stephanie says SHE'S made Triple H "burst with blood" and I'm quickly zoning out again. Stephanie reveals that she's carrying a gift for Jericho - Triple H's first robe ever, given to him by his mentor, Killer Kowalski. Since the robe is half hers, and the robe should only be worn by a champion, it's his. Jericho says he's going to wear the robe to his match against Kane for good luck. Three false starts...but they eventually hug.
"WWF Divas: Sex on the Beach" ad - hey, did they sneak Sara in there? I think I saw Sharmell, too.....how odd
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by Adidas and Foot Locker! From SmackDown! last week, Booker T loses out to Edge in the Japanese shampoo commercial
TAJIRI (with Torrie Samuda - and Let Us Take You Back One Week) v. BOOKER TIO in a nontitle match - "...King, I didn't realise that Tajiri had played such a big role in that audition for that shampoo part!" Umm, what the hell? For an encore, Cole says that while he was taking part in the WWF's Asian tour, lots of people personally walked up to him and told him how RELIEVED they were that it was Edge and not Booker T getting the part. Oh my. Lockup, to the corner, T making a lot of noise but Tajiri evades the punch - kick, kick, kick, kick, right, into the ropes is reversed and T pulls him into a short clothesline. Stomp. Head to the buckle. Big chop. Kick, chop, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, referee "Blind" Mike Chioda pulls T off of him and he ain't happy about it. Chop. Into the opposite corner. T lifts him up by his chin - chop. Into the oposite corner, Tajiri goes up and over and hits a nice overhead kick from the apron. Climbs up - missile dropkick! Backflip press gets Tajiri 2. Into the ropes is reversed, Tajiri ducks the backhand - enzuigiri. Dropkicks the knees. Off the ropes with the seated dropkick. Tajiri winding up for the KICK - and hits it! 1, 2, Booker JUST kicks out. "What the hell?" As Herb Kunze would observe, the most over man in this match is...Torrie. Tajiri puts T into the ropes, reversed, head down, kick by Tajiri...Tajiri off the ropes...but caught into the whip spinebuster. T off the ropes - AXE KICK! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3. (2:30) T drops down and breakdances back up! He wants Tajiri to stand up - HARLEM SIDEKICK! Stomp, finger in the face - KING EDGE is out - ducks a swing and hits a spear on T. Edge consults his hand, but does NOT break into a breakdance. Play his music! Wow, this feud is INTENSE
...just like the WWF Desire video treatment for the Rock - and when I say "intense," what I really mean is FUHFUHWID
WOW! What an EXCITING DOOR!! Hey, notice that the Rock's logo is kind like a SMOKING SKULL - except it's a BURNING COW'S HEAD
Booker T shills puddin'
Catch the WWF live Saturday in Kalamazoo, Sunday in Ft. Wayne, RAW in Detroit, and Tuesday in Cleveland!
TONIGHT: Undertaker vs. Al Snow & Maven in a handicap match!
TONIGHT: Lita vs. Stacy!
But first, THE ROCK is out and he's got something to say. I'm just guessing on that, actually, but it's a safe guess. As the commentators go on and on about how the Rock is a lot more hurt than he lets on, I make a visual check. The number of visible scars, cuts, scrapes, bruises on the person of the Rock after being in an ambulance that was demolished by a semi: zero. Now THAT'S what I call "selling the story!" "You know, the Rock is a lot of things...but above all else, the Rock is human. And the Rock made mistakes - *I* made...a mistake. And you see, three weeks ago, when Vince McMahon announced that the NWO was coming to the WWF, I wasn't upset, no no no no no, I was happy. Because while everybody else was thinkin' about the poison that was gonna be injected into the WWF, I was thinkin' about one thing, one thing only, the Rock, Hulk Hogan, WrestleMania. And Hogan, three weeks ago, when we stood in this very ring, face to face, eye to eye, you accepted the challenge of the Rock, you accepted that matchup, a matchup that is more than wrestling's past against wrestling's future, a matchup that will go down as being the biggest event, the biggest matchup in the history of our industry, a matchup that will determine who will go down as the best... ["Rock E!"] ...this Rock/Hogan matchup, who will go down being the absolute best ever. It was at that moment that I made a mistake. Because I was so obsessed with who Hulk Hogan was, I forgot about what Hulk Hogan is. (removes glasses) A jaded, self-centered, bitter son of a [bitch]! Which is why, Hogan, you did all you could to take the Rock out before WrestleMania. Because, you see, the Rock/Hogan at WrestleMania, Hogan, you can argue about who's bigger, but there is no denyin', Rock/Hogan, who is better. You know it...I know it...the People know it....because you see, Hogan, was as big a mistake as the Rock made three weeks ago, you made an even bigger mistake, and that mistake was not finishing off the Rock when you had the chance. So the Rock says this: BROTHER. Why don't you try and finish off the Rock...tonight? Rock breaks into a furious pace...but also clutches his ribs (commentators fail to notice) until the now familiar video treatment kicks in and out walk all three members of the NWO. Strange to see the shot switch between the NWO in black and white with "film" overlay...and the Rock in a normal colour shot. Fortunately, it stops pretty short. "Wow, Rock - I can understand you bein' upset, but those were some pretty nasty words you just used out there. And speaking o' icons and legends, Rock...if I wanted to, I could come down there right now, and kick your crippled ass without even breakin' a sweat. Butcha know somethin', BROTHER...I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna wait 'til WrestleMania, until you're 100%, and then at WrestleMania, all these millions and millions of fans (who were my fans first) are gonna see me kick your candyass at 100% at WrestleMania. Rock, I know you're hurtin', brother. But I don't want you to have any excuses when I beat you - just like I've beaten every other flash in the pan that thought they could hang with, or keep up, or touch Hollywood Hulk Hogan. You know, the fact is, Rock, I'm just too nice of a guy. And the other fact is, you're pitiful, Rock. I wouldn't take advantage of someone like you in such a weakened state." "No no no, no no, you don't understand. You come down and you take advantage of a weakened Rock. PLEASE take advantage of a weakened Rock! Or what we can do, hell, we can treat this like this is The Price is Right...Hollywood Hogan, come on down!" Hogan shakes his head. "Look atcha - look atchya just standin' there. You witcher punk-ass friends, look atcha just standin' there. Who - WHO would have ever thought - who would have ever thought the man with the twenty-four inch pythons would have half-inch testicles?" THAT worked...but Nash holds him back. "Excuse us, Rock - give us a second." They huddle up - and Hall ends up with the mic. "Hey yo. Hey Rock! Tonight's your lucky night. Because while Hollywood may be too nice of a guy to take advantage of ya while you're crippled, Scott Hall's not. Don't forget what happened to Stone Cold Steve Austin Monday - I put him DOWN and OUT! So Rock, you want Scott Hall? Don't sing it - bring it." Rock can't believe that Hall would dare to use the slogan he stole from him! "What's it gonna be, Rock?" "Rock E!" "What'd you just say, Chico? Chico? What you said, you don't understand - you just told the wrong man to bring it! Because you see, how about this - the Rock hasn't forgot and WILL NEVER FORGET what you and Nash did to the Rock three weeks ago. So tonight, the Rock/Scott Hall - oh, it's on. But Hogan...don't get to comfortable, because once the Rock is done with Hall, get ready. Your candyass is NEXT!" Hit the music!
Jakks Pacific R3 Action Figures and Hall of Fame Playset ad
And now, Lugz presents the Boot of the Week! From SmackDown!, Al Snow tries to come to the aid of Maven, but ends up taking a chokeslam on the floor. I think there was a boot in here SOMEWHERE
TONIGHT: The Rock vs. Scott Hall!
Commentators think the Rock is making a big mistake
MAVEN & AL SNOW (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box & SAP transmitido en espanol) v. AWESOMETAKER (on His Beautiful Bourget Python Bike) - Taker clubs Snow from behind while he tries to talk with Maven - yikes, Snow, were you teaching him how why shouldn't turn your back on the dead man? Referee "Blind" Brian Hebner puts Maven in the corner while Taker runs Snow into the corner - soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, back elbow, kick. Taker makes Maven flinch - Snow comes back with two kicks, but Taker connects with another elbow. Into the opposite corner, Snow slides to a stop, ducks the swing, Snow right, right, right, right, kick, kick, into the oppostie corner is reversed, but Snow reverses back, sliding underneath Taker's legs and managing a DDT! But only gets 2. Uppercut by Snow, uppercut, right, off the ropes...oops, into the big boot. 1, 2, Maven in to make the save. Maven right, right, dropkick! But Snow pulls him back and tells him to get back in the corner...they have a brief chat until Taker storms in, taking Snow down with a clothesline. There's one for Maven instead. Maven put in the corner - Taker measures a knee, knee, knee. Soupbone to the body, soupbone, I guess there must have been a tag because Snow's back in the corner as we look that way. Maven tries to fire back, but Taker doesn't feel it. Soupbone. Back elbow. Into the opposite corner - scooped up...looks like Maven doesn't know where he's supposed to be but Taker pulls him back on his shoulder - then gives him Snake Eyes in the corner...and a big boot. Taker drops down - 1, 2, Snow makes the save. Taker clotheslines Snow in the back out of the ring, then rams him into the STEEL steps - that'll keep him from making another save, methinks. Back in the ring - CHOKESLAM for Maven - 1, 2, HE PULLS HIM UP!!!! AHhhhhhhh I love the Undertaker. Taker rubs his forearm across Maven's nose. There's the TCB and Maven quickly taps - in fact, they're in the middle of a replay when he does. Oh well, these things happen when you're live. (3:16 - hmmm) Taker grabs hold of the stick post-match. "I think...Ric Flair deserves an answer....Ric Flair, if you wanna fight me at WrestleMania, the answer..." I dare him to say no "...is yes." Damn! "Whoa ho ho - ho ho ho ho - don't get excited, don't get all ahead of yourself...on one condition: Flair needs to walk down here, get down on his hands and knees, hands and knees, and BEG me for the match." Ha! Well, that's all right. The answer to that comes quick - THE MAN runs out, meets Taker at the bottom of the aisle - chop, right, chop, right, chop, chop, Taker shoves him away...and hops the barricade to get away. Flair is after him, SAILING over the barricade (wrapping himself in a cable in the process, oops) and the fight starts again in the stands. Chop, Taker shoves him off, winds up for a big soupbone...but Flair ducks it! FLAIR with a right - but Taker ducks THAT and a fan in the front row eats it instead (!) - Flair FINALLY gets the cable off of him but SECURITY has caught up and put themselves between Flair and Taker. Play Taker's music! Flair grabs the fan's chair and tries to run after him, but Security makes sure it doesn't happen. Did Flair just drop an f-bomb or did they just mute something more benign?
RAW for the Xbox ad
"Weakest Link" with WWF superstars is Sunday! SUNDAY!
MOMENTS AGO! AKA three paragraphs ago
MR. JERICHO (with Steffo - and Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. KANE HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO TONIGHT in a nontitle match - Jericho is wearing Triple H's robe - which fits perfectly, which can only mean H can't really use it today 'cause it wouldn't fit him! So really, he can't miss it TOO much... You know, Jericho is announced at 227 pounds - that means he only has to drop TWO pounds to compete for the light heavyweight title. Think about THAT. Cole says Triple H and Angle spent "twenty minutes" in the cage...ahem. It's so SILLY seeing UPN put "Recorded Earlier" on the screen for ONE second just to counteract Cole saying "live." I'm sure glad TNN doesn't do that with THEIR West Coast feed! Here we go: Jericho spends a little too much time kissing his belt - Kane hauls off with an uppercut. Right. Into the corner, double choke as Jericho comes out - and drop. Into the ropes, head down, Jericho kicks - off the ropes but Kane dumps him over the top - but Jericho lands on the apron and runs to a corner to climb...but stops to listen to Stephanie long enough for Kane to catch up, deliver the uppercut, and beal him back into the ring. Uppercut. Into the ropes, Jericho hooks 'em and goes outside. He asks Stephanie for the belts and robe; they're getting out while the getting's good. But Kane manages to grab Jericho by the hair, pull him up onto the apron, and suplex him back in. Kane outside, climbing up...jumping off but Jericho dropkicks him on his way down. Jericho takes over...baseball slide dropkick, stomp, stomp, field goal kick, another, and another dropkick to the head. Right, right, right, forearm, right, right, off the ropes but Kane catches him and delivers a sidewalk slam. Kane with a clothesline. Into the corner, follow clothesline. Into the opposite corner, but Jericho gets the boots up....then runs into a big scoop, but goes back to his feet - off the ropes, ducks the big boot - Kane with a CHOKE...but KURT ANGLE is out - didn't get all of that Olympic Slam, but that was enough to keep him down for Jericho's picture perfect Lionsault - 1, 2, 3. (2:58) See, Stephanie was distracting referee "Blind" Teddy Long and....yeah. Anyway, Angle grabs a chair...but Kane kicks it into Angle's face! Right hand, Angle right, Kane, Kane, Angle, Kane with a knee, they're alongside the ramp on their way out...Angle with another right, right, Kane with an uppercut (must be his new favourite move) - they play Kane's music, then quickly realise they should be playing Jericho's music and switch it as Stephanie puts the robe back on Jericho...wait, THE NEW MAN is out - THEY get to brawling, with H getting the better of it - over the top rope with a bit of help. H removes his shirt, which SCARES Stephanie so much she runs away! No, H catches her - but AGAIN, just before he can deliver a Pedigree, Stephanie is saved when Jericho pulls her out of the ring. At least H got his robe back...and he gets in a pose with Jericho's belts to boot! Stephanie mugs for the camera, too.
WrestleMania ad - Hogan/Rock hyped
Booker T shills puddin' - again
Commentators shill "As If (It Has Any Chance To Go Thirteen Episodes)"
Talk turns to the recent Asian tour
Here's a Special Look at the SmackDown! Tour - lookit Flair hangin' with Funaki there, ha ha...hello Japan, hello Singapore, hello Malaysia
Mike Chioda tries telling Ric Flair he's got to calm down...there's a knock at the door - it's the police. The fan ID's him as the guy who assaulted him. The cop tells Flair he's gonna have to arrest him. Flair is cuffed and rights read. Chioda keeps asking him if he wants him to call somebody, but all Flair does is hand him his watch. Meanwhile, Taker is hiding out, watching all this with a smile on his face.
Meanwhile, Kane is in the parking area looking for Angle. "I'm not mad, Kurt, I just wanna talk about this a little bit. You afraid to talk? Come on, Kurt. Come on out..." Finally, Angle jumps him - right, right, Kane right, right, right, into a door - but Angle comes back with the always deadly PLASTIC WASTEBASKET - right, right, Kane right, uppercut, Kane with a more threatening looking heavy object - and again. Cole: "metal lighting case" Okay. Then Angle slams a rolling garage door on him. Angle stomps a bit more, then adds a big ol' chairshot to the noodle, leaving Kane laying...
WWF Shop Zone Dot Com spot
Jakks Pacific ad - hmm, IT has one of those very same metal doors - probably just a happy coincidence...
MOMENTS AGO! aka You Just Seen It
Drowning Pool's "Tear Away" is one of the WrestleMania theme songs - lookit THEIR CD cover!
STACY DUDLEY (with new, Kid Rock muzak - and Let Us Take You Back One Week) v. LITA (with "WWF Divas: Sex on the Beach" ad) - Stacy surprises Lita with the spinning roundhouse kick...but, alas, only gets 2. Cover again, 2. Kick, kick, stands on the neck in our favourite wishbone position. Then she does it again. Into the opposite corner is reversed, Lita with a....well, I guess it's a 3/4 sidewalk slam, then pins her legs with her own legs - 1, 2, 3, YECCH. (0:43) LILIAN GARCIA is waiting for her at the bottom of the aisle. What's next for her? "Well, first of all, you do not see a women's title belt around my waist, so...my next goal is to become the next WWF Women's--" At this point, Stacy grabs her hair and pulls her around - so Lita slaps her. Back in the ring - gutshot - Twist of Fate (rather poor flop by Stacy on that) - and there's The Moonsault That Does Not Actually Connect But You Think She Looks Pretty Anyway. But THEN, JAZZZZZZZZZ shows up and attacks Lita from behind with a forearm in the back - stomp, stomp, kick, and nice DDT. Jazz puts a knee in her back, pulls up on her hair and gives her what for. Play HER music!
UP NEXT: The Rock vs. Scott Hall!
The Tough Enough 2 Season Premiere is tonight! TONIGHT!
Big Show shills Stacker 2 - again
The WrestleMania Countdown is down to TEN days!
JONATHAN COACHMAN catches up to Stephanie and asks for her reaction to Triple H "getting his property back." She "corrects" him, then says Triple H AIN'T gettin' the dog back. Triple H appears at this point and hands her the keys. (Why'd he have it brought all the way to San Antonio, anyway? Does that makes sense to people who write these things?) Anyway, the payoff is that only the front half of the car is there. Ha ha ha ha ha. Stephanie goes into "overmelodramatic" mode, which doesn't help things any. "Wait a minute now - you said everything was split fifty/fifty - I just wasn't sure which half you wanted!" And the "punchline" comes when Stephanie kicks the car...and the alarm goes off.
Of course, this means Hunter will get half of the DOG on Monday, right? Perhaps we better call the animal control board and warn them that Stephanie's gonna kill a dog! In fact, she might broadcast it live on the 'Net! Somebody tell Zach Arnold about this!
How come Hunter doesn't ask for one of Stephanie's heaving breasts?
CLEAN & SOBER v. THE ROCK - Sadly, Hall comes out to "Theme from NWO" and not "Theme from Razor Ramon." In fact, he isn't even decked out in any of his old Razor gear - what a disappointment! Just to keep the 'Net buzz up, however, Hall opts for his "Hall" trunks with "KLIQ" on the butt, and "Lone Wölf" vest...which ALSO doesn't make sense, since he was only wearing THAT back when he was feuding with Nash-- ah, hell with it. Here comes Rock, complete with prop tape over one kidney, running to the ring and cutting off TONY CHIMEL's introduction - we're on: right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, but Rock hits the flying clothesline. Gutshot, DDT, cover, leg is hooked, 2. Rock clutches his ribs - and Hall goes to the eyes to turn it around. Clothesline gets Hall 2. While Hall discusses the cadence with referee "Blind" Tim White, Rock kips up - spinebuster into the sharpshooter...but Rock lets go as YOU KNOW WHO is at the apron - but ducks the swing. Oh, BIG & TALL is there as well. Rock turns back to Hall, who has recovered - Hall connects with a right to the tape. Stomp on the tape, stomp, into the ropes, kidney punch as Rock bounces off. Hall does it again with another set of ropes. Wants a third, but Rock is wise to the tactic - right by Rock, right, right, off the ropes but Hogan trips him up...then pulls him out. Hogan right, right to the ribs - picked up and dropped ribs first on the barricade. Nash is on the apron asking White how long he thinks he can go without having to actually be in a match, and how many paychecks he can cash in the meantime. Hogan puts Rock back in the ring, where Hall covers with two feet on the middle rope - 1, 2, no! Hall continues to focus on the tape - stomp, stomp, stomp. Picks him up - another kidney punch. Right. Kick. Kick. Rock comes back - right, right, right, into the ropes, reversal, Rock ducks, Rock CAUGHT - Bradshaw-esque Contrived fallaway slam...and Hall gets 2. Thassit. Razor's Edge coming up...no, Rock with the back body drop counter! Both men are down and the count is on - Nash and Hogan both exhorting Hall to get up, everybody else in the building chanting for the Rock. Both men slowly up at about the same time...Rock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right, waiting for Hall to stagger up - ROCK BOTTOM! This brings Nash into the ring - Rock ducks, right, right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and Nash utterly fails to clear the top rope, then fails to clear the MIDDLE rope, just kinda hooking his leg and attempting to tangle himself in there...how embarrassing for him, except that he's making at least ten or twenty times what I'm making, so who's REALLY embarrassed? (Maybe Vince.) Hogan's in...big staredown. Now STILL, there's been no bell, and nobody's actually connected with Rock who isn't in the match, so I guess it's still going...Hall tries a sneak attack but Rock spins around and gives him a right - right for Nash, Hogan DOES connect with a right - I'll leave it to you to determine the implications of Hogan being the first man to connect, and instead tell you that Hogan lifts up Rock and punches him right in the tape as amazingly White DOES NOT call for the bell... But I'm gonna pretend this is the end of the match, anyway, and count it as (No contest? 4:35) Hall stomps on the tape, stomp, Hogan shoves White, Hogan punches the tape, right, right, tells Hall to get a chair - and the breaking of glass means that even though he isn't supposed to be here, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN *is* here - right for Nash, for Hogan, for Nash, for Hall, for Hogan, for Nash, for Hall, following him out of the ring, grabbing the chair Hall wanted to use, putting him into the timekeeper's table, back in the ring for a right hand, chairshot for Nash, chairshot, Rock FINALLY gets Nash over the top and out with a clothesline...play Austin's music! Austin's bird gets blurred. "Cut that damn music!" Hey, BILLIONAIRE VINCE is here. "Austin, you son of a [bitch]! So Austin, you and Rock - you and Rock want some of the NWO, huh? That's what'cha want - yeah - Austin and Rock want a pre-WrestleMania celebration, that's it, huh? Rock, you and Austin, you want some of Hulk Hogan, huh? You want some of Scott Hall and Kevin Nash? That's really what you want? That's whatchoo gonna get. Yeah. Austin, you and Rock together as a team - as a team, this Monday night on RAW! Rock and Austin versus the N - W - O! Handicap match - congratulations!" The NWO music plays - beer me, beer me - umm, aren't there almost five minutes left in the show? Austin throws a beer at them - Nash goes to pick it up - since Nash isn't look, Austin throws *another* one, almost beaning Nash! (Ha!) Austin's thrown all four beers, then makes the drinky-drinky motion to the stage. Beer me, beer me, beer me, beer me. Yeesh, somebody did a POOR job of timing here - we've still got three minutes of show to go...and no show to put in it. In fact, the NWO's gone backstage...and so has Vince. And now Austin's music plays again. Rock and Austin chatting - probably saying "what the heck are we gonna do for two more minutes?" Well, here's a replay of Austin saving Rock - that'll kill some time. Austin tosses Rock a beer, then climbs the corner to swig two of his own. Rock - Rock DEMURELY SIPS his beer, pinky in the air! GIMME A FREAKIN' BREAK, MIKE. Beer me, beer me - dropped it, tipped to Austin, dropped it, dropped it, dropped it, dropped it...hell they're outta beers! Rock has to actually give Austin one that has touched the mat! More drinking, more corner poses, credits are FINALLY up and you know, maybe they just better not go live anymore if they can no longer nail that two hour mark. TOUGH ENOUGH 2 IS NEXT!
Okay, let's go back to that dismal first interlude, just so we can have a record of it. Just in case we weren't aware, Cole helpfully provides "Hey, it's Stephanie McMahon!" Stephanie looks at what turns out to be Triple H's robe and smiles...then attempts to change her facial expression after catching sight of Triple H. This is ACTING! "Stay away from me." "Stay away from you?" "You got any *surprises* for me?" "No, I don't have any surprises for you, I don't know what you're talking about. But uh, hey your skin looks good, your hives have cleared up, huh?" "Mmmm. Yeah, yours too, I noticed you uh stopped bleeding. So how did it feel after you LOST due to my interference at ringside Monday night? Guess now you know how effective I can be when I'm in someone's corner." "Yeah. Hey, let's cut to the chase here, huh?" "Go ahead." "You know how we're splittin' everything fifty/fifty?" "Yep." "Well I brought your 'Vette. You know, the one your old man gave you for your sixteenth birthday?" "Yeah?" "Well I'm sick and tired o' lookin' at the damn thing in the garage, so I had it sent here." "Why should I believe you?" "It'll be here later on." "After what you did to me Monday night." (Holy bejeezus I have to stop here just to provide a parenthetical about how AWFUL this is) "Don't worry, the car'll be here. But on the fifty/fifty thing, I want my damn dog." "You can't have Lucy!" "The hell I can, it's my dog!" "Listen, that 'Vette was given to me when I was sixteen years old before WE even met, okay? LUCY, we bought together." "First of all, y- we didn't buy it together--" "Yes we did--" "You weren't even there. It's my dog, I bought it, hell you don't even - You don't walk the dog, you don't feed the dog, you don't even pet the dog, and the dog hates you!" "Lucy LOVES me! And I have people to take care of Lucy." "Listen, why would you want the dog in the first place? Isn't one bitch in the house enough? Just give me the damn dog." Off he walks. "Ha." One more exaggerated look at the clothes hanger...and off SHE walks.
It's like a car wreck, isn't it?
Maybe they could rename WrestleMania "Starrcade" 'cause this evolving situation sure reminds me of something...
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