This just in - I hate
the Lakers - but at least they're
still ahead of them. (51-19) Also, the Kings, Lakers, Mavericks and
Spurs have clinched playoff berths - along with the Nets and BOY does the
East SUUUUUUUCK (although the large number of West teams clinched ALSO
means there's a large(r) number of crappy teams in the West that moved
quicker to be out of the running....)
FLAMEBAIT COMMENT: Man, does that Bill O'Reilly dude *really* need to get LAID, or WHAT?
UPN - Thursday! Say, they'd BETTER update that bumper 'cause lots of these people will NEVER be on SMACKDOWN! (until they reunite the roster)
TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Closed captioned logo - Opening Credits are Beautiful, People!
It's BRAND EXTENSION PYRO and away we go - coming to you from the First Union Center in Philadelphia, PA 28.3.2 and SAP transmitido en espanol on the United Paramount Network - Cole says this is "the last SmackDown! as we know it" - thank God, I can break my streak then!
TONIGHT: It's a big 6 man - The Rock, Hollywood Hogan & Kane take on the NWO
Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. How about that draft? Hoo-whee! Tonight's the last night the combined roster is in the same house, along with over 16.5K in the building ...what'll happen with Flair and McMahon together again for the last (ha) time? Stick around...
BOOKER TIO (RAW - with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. DR. TEETH (SmackDown!) - God bless ring annoucer TONY CHIMEL for bucking the trend and *not* calling him DDP (despite the chyron saying so once again). Lockup, T with a knee, forearm in the back, right hand, chop in the corner, chop, right, chop, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, fast and furious but stopping as referee "Blind" Jack Doan pulls him out...giving DDP just enough time to pull himself up and switch positions - right, right, chop, chop, chop - into the ropes, T ducks - there's a Harlem sidekick...but only gets 2! Elbow by T - into the ropes, and clamps on the sleeper. Draft ticker of the SmackDown! roster here, but I'll put it below. DDP with a jawbreaker to get out. "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right, right, wacky pose into a discus lariat - whip is reversed and T gives him a knee - but eats a gutshot coming off the ropes - and there's a rydeen bomb (!) by DDP - but only getting 2! DDP tries a whip but T hits a reverse heel kick instead. Whip into the corner is reversed - there's the Diamond Cutter! But T rolls outside...which brings us our BROCK LESNAR & PAUL E. HEYMAN run-in for the evening. There's a belly-to-belly, there's that other move, all Heyman is missing is a "millennium" sign to hold so Lesnar could take a mic and talk about being the master and the ruler the world. No bell, so let's stop the clock at the contact and call it (No contest? 2:06?) Two minute special, two minute special... Well at least they had Lesnar, a RAW guy, take out a SmackDown! guy...probably just lucked into THAT, though. Replay and time for an ad break
THE (TINY SMACKDOWN! LOGO) MR. McMAHON ROSTER: 1. The Rock, 2. Kurt Angle, 3. Chris Benoit, 4. Hulk Hogan, 5. Billy & Chuck, 6. Edge, 7. Rikishi, 8. D-Von Dudley, 9. Mark Henry, 10. Rikishi, Lottery Selections - Billy Kidman, Tajiri, Chris Jericho, Ivory, Albert, The Hurricane, Al Snow, Lance Storm, DDP, Torrie Wilson, Scotty 2 Hotty, Stacy Keibler, Christian, Test, Faarooq, Tazz, Hardcore Holly, Perry Saturn, Big Valbowski, WWF Champion Triple H & WWF Women's Champion Jazz.
Big Show shills Stacker 2
KURT ANGLE draws first interview tonight. Extended "You Suck What" chant. "You know...considering I risked my LIFE wrestling in the Olympics with a broken freakin' neck for YOU PEOPLE...the least you can do is show a little appreciation! And you know what...YOU SUCK, TOO! You people are pathetic! Almost as pathetic as what happened last Monday night on RAW...when Stephanie McMahon was forced to leave the WWF. Oh, you people like that? Why don't you have a little compassion? I thought this was supposed to be the city of brotherly love! You know, Stephanie was like a bright, blossoming flower...and she brought joy and happiness to millions of people every day - and I will NOT let Stephanie's leaving go unrecognised - so what I would like to do right now is take a moment of silence, so that we ALL can show our appreciation for the many wonderful memories that Stephanie provided us with. And I want you all to show the respect that Stephanie deserves - starting NOW." The lights go dim as a picture of Stephanie The Lost Puppy Dog's face appears on the big video screen - naturally, the crowd is anything but silent. Cole: "So much for the moment of--" Lawler: "SHUT UP! It's a moment of silence!" "You SICK heartless JERKS! Stephanie, if you're watching this, do not listen to these people! They are not your true fans! I'll tell you right now, you show the respect that Stephanie deserves, or I'll BEAT the respect out of each and every one of you! That's it - IT'S GO TIME!" Angle leaves the ring and starts to the barricade...but some familiar music fires up and BILLIONAIRE VINCE swaggers out. This'll double our fun for sure! "That's enough of this...first of all....you desecrate my daughter's name? When you desecrate my daughter's name, that means you desecrate my name. Quite frankly, my name is worth a hell of a lot more than all of your names combined. Matter of fact, this entire fiasco wouldn't have happened if it hadn't have been for one individual and HIS name is Triple H. Oh, what a model citizen Triple H is, huh? First of all, he seduces my innocent daughter Stephanie - then he marries her - then he publicly humiliates and embarrasses her - and then, last Monday on RAW, he BEAT HER UP! Oh yeah...model citizen - Triple H, you're a real son of a (bitch). I admit, I admit my daughter wasn't always ideal, but she was as close to ideal as a father could possibly have. And every selfish, defenseless, every selfish act, every rotten act that she ever committed, I blame one person, and that's Triple H. 'cause that's the kind of human being Triple H is. Quite frankly (2), in a way I'm almost happy that Triple H is the WWF Champion, because that means that not only will he be on RAW, but he'll be on my show (SmackDown!) ....and believe me, just as Triple H made my daughter (Stephanie)'s life a living hell, that's exactly what I will do to Triple H. Oh it's true, it's damn true." Well, let's just bring THE MAN out for a rebuttal, shall we? "Is that what you think, Vince? You think that I'm a...bad influence? You think that I'm...selfish? That I'm rotten? That I'm horrible? That I'm a son of a (bitch)? Well lemme set you straight. You ain't seen nothin' yet. And I'll tell ya what, Vince...if you screw with me, I promise you I will make...YOUR life a living hell. And, I'll tell you what: since you miss your precious daughter so much, I say...what the hell, Vince, maybe Kurt's right. We *should* honour Steph. (boos) No no, she deserves it. Let's honour the last few remaining moments of Stephanie McMahon in the World Wrestling Federation." (Let Us Take You Back to RAW - he stepped on her boobies!) We come back to a livid Angle. "That's it, that's it, I've had it! I want a match with that big ape tonight! I don't even care if the title's on the line! I want a match with him, Vince! I'm gonna show him some manners! Come on Vince, I'm begging you - PLEASE give me a match with that...son of a (bitch)!" "You know what, Kurt, under normal circumstances, I'd be happy to oblige, but quite frankly (4) I think *I* want some of that rotten ingrate myself." "Let me get this straight, the two of you want a shot at me. I don't care, either one o' ya, Vince, Angle, it doesn't matter to me - as far as I'm concerned, Game On." "Well you know it's not exactly gonna be like that. The Game's gonna be on...but it's gonna be you against Kurt Angle and Vince McMahon in a handicap match tonight." Hmm, maybe not - RIC FLAIR gets entrance #4 - and a handshake from Triple H. "Hey McMahon! Hey - Vince - McMahon! Did I hear you makin' the rules again? Tonight, I'm still 50% whether you like it or not. And, it's not gonna be a handicap match...Triple H, the World champion, is gonna have a partner tonight. And Triple H, since this is my last SmackDown!...and we are in Philadelphia, WOOOO! (removes jacket) when I was the World Champion, I used to party here all - night - long! And I think tonight it should be Triple H - woooo! - and the Nature Boy, side by side! Do me one favour - I promise I will put everything I have into being right beside you - you keep Angle off me, so I can kick that son of a (bitch')s ass! Yeah - YOU - YOU - YOU - WOOOO! YOU - YOU - WOO - WOOOO! YOU! WOOOO! WOOOO!" H makes sure we see one more - make that TWO more handshakes before we get out.
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To the locker room. "Hey Bubba. You ready, man?" "Yeah, I'm ready." "All right, man, 'cause it all comes down to this match. If we beat Billy & Chuck tonight, not only will we become WWF tag team champions, but we also stay together as a tag team. But if we don't...then you go your way with your career, and I go mine. This could be the last tag team match of the Dudley Boyz." "You know what, D-Von, you're right. So I say we go out there and make history just one last time. Hey, it's been a hell of a run, but if that run has to end, what better place than in this city right here? The city that the Dudley Boyz were born in - the city of brotherly love - our backyard, our stomping grounds. Good old hardcore Philadelphia. We've been WCW tag team champions, eight-time ECW tag team champions, six-time WWF tag team champions, and nobody - remember this - nobody can ever take that away from us. So I say we go out there tonight, and we take Billy & Chuck...to the extreme." "Oh my brother, it is now time to testify."
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: BANDANA BOYZ (SmackDown!, with Rico The Stylist, clipped entrance) v. DUDLEY BOYZ (D-Von SmackDown!, Bubba Ray RAW, with Forceable Entry CD cover) - Chuck and Bubba Ray start. Lockup, knee by Chuck, right, right, kick, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, stomp stomp stomp stomp - referee "Blind" Brian Hebner pulls HIM off - man there sure are a lot of corner shenanigans tonight, eh? Chuck waits just long enough to make sure Dudley can block his next punch - switch positions in the corner, Bubba Ray with a slap, slap, slap, slap, right, right, right, right, right, knee, forearm in the back, forearm, into the ropes, dropkick (!) - 1, 2, Chuck kicks out. Tag to D-Von - into the ropes, double back elbow, D-Von covers - only 2. Chuck rakes the face and tags out...but Billy runs into a high armdrag. Off the ropes with a nice shoulder tackle, free shot for Chuck, ducks a swing from Billy and hits a neckbreaker for 2. Right, right, right, off the ropes - Billy tries one and ducks - but manages a faceplant the next time they meet off the ropes. Both men are down and the count is on...at 5, both men crawl - tag to Chuck, HOT TAG TO BUBBA RAY! Clothesline by Dudley, clothesline, into the ropes, big back body drop, gutshot for Billy as HE comes in, snap suplex on Billy, DDT for Chuck - cover, leg is hooked - 1, 2, no! Samoan Drop for Billy - Hebner goes to count on an illegal man (boo!) and Chuck tries to drop an elbow to break it up...but Bubba's away and Chuck takes it! Bubbabomb on Chuck - 1, 2, NO! Billy saves. Billy right, right, right, into the corner is reversed, where Chuck happened to be standing so there's a big collision - and Billy flops into a double flapjack! Yep, all four men are in, but not for long - Bubba Ray clotheslines Billy out as Chuck does a Flair Flop - D-Von climbing the corner but Rico's got his ankle...Chuck back up, right, right, climbs to the second rope - wants the superplex but Bubba Ray is back in and there's a forearm to the back...Chuck on Bubba's shoulders - D-Von off the top - DUDLEY DEVICE!! Bubba Ray hooks the leg...but alas, Hebner has become transfixed by Rico's presence on the apron. D-Von takes a swing and misses as Rico drops to the floor. The chase is on, around the ring and up the ramp - unfortunately, the match is still going on and Bubba has his back to Billy - Pound'Asser - and Billy slips out as Chuck covers for the 1, 2, 3. See yar. (3:53) Billy keeps on the punishment, putting Bubba's head in a vice with the second turnbuckle and his forearm. Billy continues to attack the back until D-Von returns - Chuck works on HIM - slowly, the Dudleys simultaneously turn the tables - Billy tossed out - Chuck tries to whip D-Von (doesn't he know that won't work?), and it's reversed (see?) and there's 3D - the Dudley Death Drop! Billy back in - Bubba ducks a clothesline - scoop...and a slam...then holding him for "What Are You Doing?" D-Von does the testify dance - and now it appears that Bubba Ray may want him to get something. D-Von outside...and finding a table under the ring. Crowd chants "ECW" which Lawler translates as "Bing Go Hall!" Table set up - JUST as Billy gets back to his feet...he gets 3D through the table! Play their music! And there's a big hug.
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When we return, we head to the APA offices, where Faarooq & Bradshaw fail to notice the cameraman go AROUND the door to spy on them - he must be invisible! "Hey man, the cards ain't just gonna see the same, huh?" "No, sir." "Damn." "You know, all this time we've been together - ga-ha-lee. We've drank together, we've rode together, we've - we've fought together..." "Yeah, like that time up in Red Deer when those guys be kickin' our ass, right?" "They THOUGHT they was gonna be kickin' our ass!" "Hey, man - I had m- you had my back, I had yours, huh?" "Like always! Never had a better friend." "Come down to what - a lottery, right?" "Name out of a hat, 'cause McMahon and Flair can't get along." "Wow." "And now you go to SmackDown! and I go to RAW. All because of this, the APA's gonna close, all because of this." "Hey, but you know what, man? You'll always be here, bro." "Me too, my friend. Me too." "Always, you know. Just like a brother, man." "Thanks. You know though - we came in drinkin' beer - we got one night left." "Ain't no other way to go out!" "Hell no! Last call." "Have it no other way, man. You know? No other way, bro." "Hey, Tajiri! Come here! C'mere!" "Who is it? Tajiri? Hey hey, it's Torrie too. Hey come on over here." (Hey, they ALSO didn't use the door...) "We have big party tonight - big party, does he speak English? Hell he should, how long you been here." "Hey, it doesn't matter, man, just point." "Go tell everybody, beer, beer, much beer for everybody, everybody, APA - last party - big party." He and Torrie go to leave. "No, wait a minute, no, no, she needs to stay, she's gonna stay here and play nekkid-- um, play cards, okay? Don't worry about here - we'll take care o' her. Go on." "Hey, take your time, too. Sit down, honey, sit down." "Do you play cards?" "No, not really." "You're not good at cards? Oh, that's perfect! We play this neat game called strip poker - like if you lose, you take off an article of clothing, you know, like panties." "Hold on, man, deal the cards to her, we'll show her." "You don't mind, do you?" "No, not at all." "Take these five." "I'm gonna take these." "It doesn't really matter...outstanding."
Meanwhile, LILIAN GARCIA has corralled Matt Hardy & Lita for an interview. "You know, Lilian, that whole night was so crazy, everyone was on the edge of their seats, and then, to be Flair's tenth draft pick, it was a relief, it felt great, but then I think, you know, am I gonna be with Matt, is Team Xtreme gonna be together? What a crazy situation." Garcia fails to follow up with "Why would it be a relief to be drafted? Was there a doubt that maybe you woudln't have a job if you were stuck in the lottery?" and instead puts the mic in Matt's face. "You know, last week by far was the toughest week of my life. It's a terrible thing not to know where your future lies. But it is good to know that our fate lies in our hands again and that myself, Lita and Jeff are all together, and Team Xtreme is once again a unit in the WWF." Good God - that delivery was horrible - HORRIBLE. Oh my. At this point, Chris Jericho interrupts. "What are you two so happy about?" AHHHHH Lita and Matt are MUGGING like AIRHEADS now - please shoot me. "And who cares anyways? You're making me sick. This is all about me. Don't you get it, it's all about me. Congratulations about being on RAW. I'm on SmackDown! and I'm absolutely livid - why? Because I still should be the Undisputed Champion, and I should be on both shows. Do you realise since WrestleMania, the only rematch I've received for the Undisputed championship is against Triple H and Stephanie? What kind of rematch is that? I am a larger then life living legend, dammit! And until I have that Undisputed championship around my gorgeous waist, I will never be happy aboat anything ever agayne." "You know what? I can sympathize with you, Chris Jericho. I understand why you're unhappy." He slaps Jericho on the shoulder. "Nobody wants to be a HAS-BEEN." More goofy mugging - oh god, Matt's "acting" is SO SO BRUTAL. So Jericho decides to put a forearm in Matt's back as they walk off, knocking both he and Lita down in the process. "See if you're happy about that! I AM NOT A HAS-BEEN!" Matt ANGRILY *removes his coat!* Geez, I hate to say it, 'cause I know Matt Hardy is probably the one wrestler most likely to actually read these words, but...God, how awful. Oh no. No. No.
The transcriptions never end around here - we move to the locker room where Hogan is standing. "Hulksta!" "What's up my brother?" "What's up man." Another handshake. "Tonight's the night - the very last night. You and the Rock have a shot at the NWO. We were drafted on SmackDown!, they were drated on RAW. Tonight's the very last night we have a shot to whoop their candyasses. 1...2...3." "You know, brother, I want these guys just as bad as you do....but it's not just you and me tonight. We've got a partner...Kane. Now I've been in the ring with a lot of big scary dudes, guy, but...this guy, he's scarier than all the rest. I mean, he scares the hell outta me. Do you think we can trust this guy?" "You know what, I completely know where you're coming from - you've been in the ring with a lot of scary cats, I've has been in the ring with a lot of scary cats...and yeah, this cat is scary, he's big, he's...scary...hey, hey, he ain't King Kong Bundy walkin' around here. You remember Bundy - (holds up five fingers) hiiii - hiiiiii! He's not Bundy. He ain't Kamala. Remember Kamala? Rubbin' his belly....(gibberish)...he ain't Kamala. But he is one big scary cat, and he is one big red ass-kickin' MACHINE. He's got no love...oh here he comes now." Everybody shares a look. "He's scary...but he ain't scared. Watch this." Rock tries to make him flinch...and fails. Cue laugh track. "See that? Let the Rock as you something? Are you ready to go out there and whip some ass? Are you ready to go out there and whup candy ass?" "Oh, I'm ready. Are you ready?" "Well you bet your ass I'm--" "IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'RE READY! Because tonight, the Rock and Kane team up with Hulk Hogan. And you know something brothers? Whether it's the millions...and millions of Rock fans, or twenty thousand Hulkamaniacs - or twenty thousand Kane-enites (Rock mouths "Kane-enites?" for comedic effect), the question is, brothers...what'cha gonna do? Scott Hall - Kevin Nash - X-Pac - what'cha gonna do when Hulk Hogan and the Rock and the Big Red Machine run wild on YOOOOOOOOOOU - what'cha gonna do?" Kane goes into a Hogan posing routine. "I'll see you guys out there." Rock and Hogan exchange baffled looks.
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Time now for the WWF Burn of the Night, brought to you by Stacker 2! From RAW, Kane interrupts the main event and brings back the phrase "Nitro ending"
YOU KNOW WHO (SmackDown!) and KANE (RAW) and THE ROCK (SmackDown! - with SAP transmitido en espanol & TV-PG-DLV - AND SmackDown! is brought to you by Whacko Tobacco, Stacker 2, and Swanson's Hungry-Man!) v. THE NWO (RAW) - Coming up later: Chris Jericho takes on Matt Hardy! 'Pac wants to start, and he will...with the Rock. Lockup, side headlock by Rock...right to the gut by 'Pac, right, powers out into the ropes - Rock with a shoulderblock. Time to run - off the ropes, up and over, leapfrog by X-Pac - 'Pac off the ropes but into an armdrag, another armdrag by the Rock, into the armbar - see, he DOES know those moves! Elbow to the elbow...arm wringer - 'Pac with forearms to get out...off the ropes - but falls into the belly-to-belly throw - and Rock gets 2. 'Pac rakes the face to turn it around - spinning heel kick lands. Cole, almost in "by the way" fashion, casually announces that two shows have been cancelled. WHOOP WHOOP RED ALERT RED ALERT but everything's hunky-dory, I'm sure. Here's the tag for Scott Hall. Rock gets a toothpick in the face - Rock decides to put him in the corner while he's busy making the international sign of wavy fingers - right, right, right, right, "Chico" pose, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT, clotheslines him down and gets 2. Right, into the ropes is reversed, Rock ducks...but leaps into a crossbody for no other apparent reason than to be caught so Hall can deliver a fallaway slam - Hall gets 2. Tag to Nash. In the corner, knee, knee, knee, right, right, right, back elbow, completely ignoring referee "Blind" Mike Chioda here. Back elbow. Nash is framing it - that hasn't worked YET in the WWF (thank God) and once again, Rock comes back on it - right, right, right, Nash with a knee to stop that - tag to Hall - holding him open for the kick. Hall right, Rock right, Hall, Rock, Hall, Rock, Hall to the eyes. Into the ropes is reversed - Rock with a spinebuster and both men are down! Hogan wants the tag. Hogan GETS the tag! "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" for Hall, X-Pac comes in and HE gets the same. Nash doesn't even get a chance to Diesel his way over the top rope before Hogan gives HIM a right hand. Double clothesline on Hall and X-Pac - X-Pac sails over the top rope - back to Hall for right, right, right, into the ropes, big boot, off the ropes with the legdrop - 1, Nash with an elbowdrop to Hogan's back. Hall tags Nash tout suite. Right hand remove the 'do rag! Sidewalk slam - 1, 2, no. Tag to X-Pac as we take a look at Hall's bleeding forehead. Chop by 'Pac, chop, kick, kick trifecta, tag to Hall. Into the ropes...into the sleeper! "X-Pac sux" chant. Hogan's down and out. Arm falls once. Arm falls twice. Arm doesn't fall thrice - in fact, Hogan's starting the to and fro point - Hogan up - knee, knee, death suplex breaks the hold up. Both men are down again. Chioda is up to four as Hogan crawls to Kane for the tag. Kane climbs up top - and hits his "flying" clothesline on Hall. X-Pac in - HE gets a tilt-a-whirl - Nash gets an uppercut before he can think about coming in. Hall into the ropes - sidewalk slam. Ducks a punch from Nash (who actually makes it in!) and gives him a big boot. Running clothesline puts X-Pac up and over to the floor. Nash lands a big boot, which brings in Rock - right, right, right, right, crotch chop, right puts Nash out through the ropes - Hall tags X-Pac in here - wants the broncobuster but Kane catches him in the choke - chokeslam! Hogan clotheslines Hall out as Kane covers - 1, 2, 3! (6:38) "Kane has made a major statement!" Yeah, something like "The NWO will be feuding with me on RAW because they had nothing better to do."
TONIGHT: Kurt Angle & Mr. McMahon vs. Triple H & Ric Flair!
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In the local slot, UPN 44 tells us that the Six Flags Marine World Spring Break Friday (April 5) will feature a meet'n'greet with WWF stars AL SNOW & MAVEN! WOW!
CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO (SmackDown! - with EARLIER TONIGHT! - oh God, Matt's acting makes my eyes bleed) v. MATT HARDY (RAW, with Cheata) - Matt races to the ring and we're quickly underway - Jericho right, Hardy right, Jericho right, Hardy right, Jericho right, Hardy right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, but Matt hits his sitout clothesline. Mount, right, right, right, right, right, Jericho up but Matt sticking with the right, right, right, right, right, right, draft ticker (below), into the ropes, reversed, clothesline ducked, double leg by Hardy - WOW catapult into the corner! Scoop...and a slam. Up to the second floor for the ahhhhhhhhhdrop. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no! Into the corner is reversed by Jericho - but Hardy gets the leg up. Hardy to the top...but Jericho knocks out the leg, crotching him on top! Jericho pulls him into a Tree of Woe and stomps away. While referee "Blind" Mike Sparks frees Hardy, here comes Lita from the opposite corner with the Cheatacanrana - Cole promises it's the last time we'll see it on SmackDown! so thank heaven for small favours. Matt with a wacky sitout chokeslam, but only for 2. Into the ropes, reversed, sunset flip by Hardy but Jericho rolls through - got the legs...Lita on the apron again, but unfortunately in the oncoming path of Jericho when Hardy kicks him away - crashing to the floor. Sparks turns to check on HER - Hardy with a gutshot, wants the Twist of Fate but Jericho takes advantage of the ref having his back turned to land an uppernut...then clamps on the Walls of Jericho. Hardy has nowhere to go and taps out. (2:12 Manhattan) Also, I forgot to mention the "NASCAR IS FAKE" sign in the front row. Jericho adds a field goal kick just for the hell of it. THEN, on his way out...he turns back and gives Lita the Walls of Jericho on the floor! Lita taps like Savion Glover.
Here's THE (tiny RAW logo) RIC FLAIR ROSTER: 1. Undertaker, 2. nWo, 3. Kane, 4. Rob van Dam, 5. Booker T, 6. Big Show, 7. Bubba Ray Dudley, 8. Brock Lesnar, 9. William Regal, 10. Lita, Lottery Selections - Bradshaw, Steven Richards, Matt Hardy, Raven, Jeff Hardy, Mr. Perfect, Spike Dudley, D'Lo Brown, Shawn Stasiak, Terri, Jacqueline, Goldust, Justin Credible, Boss Man, Tommy Dreamer, Molly Holly, Crash, Trish Stratus, WWF Champion Triple H, WWF Women's Champion Jazz. Also announced: RAW will be cut to one hour and air on Friday nights right before "Rollerjam."
To the APA party card game we go, where the following violations occur - Bradshaw calls the Big Valbowski "Val Venis," Godfather & Funaki are in the room despite not being drafted by either side, and cliche after cliche after cliche: Tajiri wins the hand so Torrie has to strip...which means she removes her waist jewelry thing that only pornstars wear, Christian throws a tantrum, and Faarooq says "Damn." Also, when I saw Booker T, I first thought "Hey! K-Kwik is back!" but I was wrong.
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TONIGHT: Kurt Angle & Mr. McMahon vs. Triple H & Ric Flair!
WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: POINTS TO SELF (RAW - with Forceable Entry CD cover) v. TEST (SmackDown!) - van Dam almost prematurely points to himself! Running knee by Test, forearm in the back, forearm, into the corner, but van Dam gets the elbow up. To the top rope - but Test catches him - up on the shoulder to try Snake Eyes but van Dam gets free and shoves him into the corner, then superkicks him as he bounces out. Cover - 1, 2, no. Elbow, elbow, ducks a punch, Test catches the kick and hot shots him. van Dam flips out of the suplex attempt and dropkicks the knees. Both men slow to get up. van Dam slumps in the corner, kick, forearm, forearm, up top for the back kick, backflip press gets 2. Gutshot, Test reverses the whip attempt, ducks the stepover heel kick, full nelson, Uncle Slam, feet on the ropes, 1, 2, referee "Blind" Earl Hebner actually catches him and stops the count. What NOW they're gonna do the immunity thing? No wonder Hebner's working this match. Shove by Test, Hebner shoves back as he bounces off the ropes, Test falls to a Viscera kick off the ropes by van Dam, 1, 2, kickout! Gutshot by van Dam, shoulder in the gut, shoulder, superfluous backflip, Test ducks out on the next charge so van Dam hops to the second rope - tries the sunset flip but Test grabs the top rope...Hebner kicks him away to complete it - 1, 2, no! Test clotheslines van Dam down...and turns his attention to Hebner. He's about ready to cold cock him one but van Dam hooks the arm, gutshot, forearm, into the ropes is reversed, Test with a gutshot...going for a powerbomb but van Dam follows through, down the back, sunset flip, Hebner counts 1, 2, 3 even though Test's shoulders don't stay down - ring the bell and let's get outta here. (2:24) Test is mighty unhappy about things at this point. We get a replay. Well now I'd have to guess that Hebner will be on SmackDown!, since Test is...
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Booker T shills Hungry-Man puddin' #2
And now Whacko Tobacco (it's whacko!) presents the Whack of the Night! From RAW, Vince drafts Maven
JONATHAN COACHMAN catches up to Raven, who looks weird and also has a title shot tonight. "Coach, who I wrestle for is less important than what I wrestle for...my first objective being the hardcore title. To quote Oscar Wilde, they say we destroy the things we love, but really, the things we love destroy us. Take Maven, for example - his passion has led to his success, but it will also prove to be his Waterloo, courtesy of what has come to be known as...the Raven Effect." Coach provides the expected response via facial expression.
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: MAVEN (SmackDown!) v. RHYME RHYME RHYME (aRAW RAW RAW) - Raven wheels out his cart o' junk (and plush Frankenstein's monster) - got the can, so Maven dropkicks it (almost slipping on the STOP sign in the process), and we're underway. Raven put in the ring, shoulder misses and Maven hits the post. Raven with a trashcan lid (with handle) in each hand and there's the Windmill. Maven manages a shoulder in the gut - again - grabs the lids - cymbal clap - off the ropes with a WHACK - gutshot, trashcan lid uppercut. Got the broomstick - and gives Raven a ride - bouncy bouncy! Stick across the abdomen. Charges in, and Raven dumps him over the top - he was supposed to land on the apron, but instead crashes to the floor. Philly faithful dutifully work up a "you fucked up" chant. Maven with a right from the floor to bring it back - climbs up top - missile dropkick - 1, 2, TOMMY DREAMER pulls him off - he's brought a baking pan (apparently coated with PAM, 'cause the ring keeps getting sprayed when he swings it) - WHACK! Maven into the ropes, ducks, elbows the pan into Dreamer...there's Raven with the drop toehold into a chair he must have set up while Dreamer was doing HIS thing - and there's the Evenflow--sorry, "Raven Effect" - and a 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new hardcore champion and he ain't on THIS show. (1:45)
To the dressing room for the Vince & Kurt show - "Did you just see that? We just lost the hardcore championship for SmackDown!, that creep Maven! I'll tell you one thing - I'm not gonna lose landing the free agent Stone Cold Steve Austin!" "Well, I heard a rumour that he's gonna show up on RAW on Monday night!" "On RAW? Then I'm gonna be there to bring him to SmackDown!" "Yeah - I hope so. But forget about Austin, 'cause tonight, we're gonna focus on Triple H and Ric Flair, kickin' the crap out of 'em! And even though you chose me second in the draft, and I should've been first, I just want to say it's gonna be an honour to be your tag team partner. And I think tonight's gonna be an Olympic moment, I do." "Thanks, Kurt - thanks." Handshake. "Let's do it."
Forceable Entry ad #2
Jakks Pacific ad #2
The Boot of the Week is brought to you by Lugz! From RAW, Ric Flair names Undertaker his #1 draft pick. Vince promises to make it right.
Hosts run down the draft - we take a look at graphics of both rosters again. Amazingly, on THESE graphics, there's NO mention of Mr. McMahon nor Ric Flair - I bet somebody gets fired over that!
Back to the party - crowd chants "he-ro" as Hurricane chugs...and passes out. Here's William Regal. "Isn't this all very pleasant, I mean the APA having a party, with a few lowly tarts here and your fellow....lowlifes. D'ya know, it's funny that last week I told you, and it's come true, hasn't it, that the APA is now...officially out of business." "You're right. We are outta business. And it looks like, uh...we're outta beer. So I guess the party has...just about ended!" They grab Regal and run him across their table. Everybody runs off except Spike, who unfortunately gets run into the file cabinet. They upend the table onto Regal (hey there was thousands of dollars on that table!) - only they are left standing and around. "Last party, eh?" "Yeah." "Heh." "It's been a good run, huh?" "Yes, it was. Went out the same way we came in." "Yeah....we did." They go out their door. "Wow." "Hard to believe." Bradshaw turns the open sign to "Sorry, we're closed." "Thank you." "It's been real, bro." Handshake. "Thank you." The lights go out except for a spotlight on the door....and then a single voice cries out "You came in with the Jackyl!! Remember the Jackyl?! WHY did he put you together in the first place?! WHY???????" Actually, that voice was mine, so it probably didn't come through on YOUR TV.
UP NEXT: tag match - you may have heard about it
Tough Enough 2 ad #2
Big Show shills Stacker 2 #2
Six Flags Marine World Al Snow & Maven ad #2
I must have missed the second "Scorpion King" ad - I can't believe there WOULDN'T have been one...
BILLIONAIRE VINCE (SmackDown!) and KURT ANGLE (SmackDown!) v. RIC FLAIR (RAW) and THE MAN - Flair is forced to wrestle in slacks, belt and dress shoes for (as the story goes) he didn't bring any wrestling gear to the arena tonight. HHH gets both cute little logos in his chyron but still gets the SmackDown! treatment overall, lest you get confused and forget what show you're watching. Say, I wonder if they'll replace the lower-left corner bug with show logos instead of the WWF scratch logo. McMahon says he'll be happy to start, so Angle gives him a pat on the butt on his way to the corner. Flair and H have a chat and it looks like H has convinced Flair to let him start. McMahon puffs up his chest, then makes the Lex Luger "lion roaring" pose. H expresses FEAR and tags out. Woooo! So Vince tags in Angle. The bell actually rings to start the match somewhere in here, too. Words are exchanged - hey wait, this is a dream matchup! Flair offers the knuckle lock - but when Angle goes for it, Flair pulls back and brushes back his hair! Woooo! Strut! Okay, HERE we go. Lockup - Angle pushes him to the corner. Referee "Blind" Nick Patrick wants the break, but Angle wants to take a swing...but doesn't. So Flair pokes him in the eye instead - HA HA FLAIR IS AWESOME. Chop (woooo!), chop (woooo!), chop (woooo!). Flair tags out. Flair holds Angle open for a kick. Right hand by H, kick, right, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, standing on the neck - Patrick pulls him off. Whip inot the opposite corner is reversed, but H gets the boot up. H wants a clothesline, but Angle catches him and unleashes a belly-to-belly suplex! Angle takes over - right, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp...words for Flair - well, that's a bad idea. H takes him down with a choke and keeps it on for a few. Tag to Flair. H with a chop, Flair with a chop, H chop, Flair chop - double strut! Double chop puts Angle down. This probably means something. Flair points to Vince and gives him a WOOOO! Angle manages to sneak in a rake of the face. Into the ropes is reversed, however - Flair with a sleeper!! Angle fights it and tries to get to the corner...but Vince isn't exactly reaching for a tag. "That's it, Kurt, wear him down!" Angle grabs the leg and hits a death suplex to break it up. Patrick starts the count but Angle is up at 2 - kicks the back of the leg, kick, kick, elbowdrop across the knee, elbowdrop, pulls the leg to the friendly corner - NOW Vince wants the tag. Kicks the back of the leg, kick, elbowdrop to the knee, kneedrop on the knee - Flair chops him, Vince chops back - another knee to the knee - Vince drags him to the ropes and yanks his knee onto the corner of the apron. H wants to help out but all he does is drag Patrick out to stop him...so Angle gets some free stomping in. McMahon drags Flair to the adjacent corner and wraps his knee around the post. Flair takes a swipe but misses. Flair's lost a shoe. McMahon back in the ring, pointing to H, grabbing Flair's legs - wants a figure four (!) but FLair kicks him away. Flair comes back - chop, chop, chop, well Vince has had enough and tags out. Angle gives H a free shot to prevent the tag, then goes back to Flair - right hand (picture looks edited here - maybe Patrick was looking at them and they didn't want that on screen?), grabs a waistlock but Flair's trick knee acts up. "C'mere, tough guy..." Flair goes for the figure four but before he can lock it in, Angle rolls Flair into the ANGLELOCK! H comes in to break it up with a kick and a DDT. Both men are down - Angle up first, dragging Flair to McMahon and making the tag. And now Vince DOES get that figure four locked in! McMahon's really yanking it here - perhaps in more ways than one, ahem. Flair wants to roll it over...and does! This brings in Angle with an elbowdrop to Flair's back. Angle urges McMahon to make it to his corner - he does...but Angle doesn't make it in before Flair makes a tag of his own! Angle's clothesline misses - H hits his hangman's neckbreaker. Right, into the ropes, head down, Angle with a kick. Angle off the ropes - H catches him in the spinebuster - 1, 2, McMahon breaks it up! This brings in Flair with a chop and a stomp...and a healthy limp after McMahon rolls outside. While Patrick helps Flair back to his corner, H ducks a clothesline, gutshot, Pedigree is saved when McMahon conks H with a title belt - Angle hooks a leg - 1, 2, NO! Both men are down - Vince gets the tag. Vince advances on H - H pulls his way up - Vince with a double axehandle to the head. Here's Vince with the strut - Flair takes a swing even though Vince is really far away. Vince turns back to find that H is back up, and clotheslining him down. TAG TO FLAIR! Flair runs the apron and climbs up top - TOMAHAWK CHOP FROM THE TOP CONNECTS!!!!!!!!! Stomp. In the corner, chop (woooo!), chop (woooo!), chop (woooo!), Vince is kinda overreacting in the facial sense here, right, kick in the nuts, cradles Vince's head and throws some close rights, and KEEPS doing it until Angle comes in with a forearm in the back. Here comes H with a clothesline - right hand puts him over aand out. H follows as Angle grabs a chair - Patrick decides to follow them outside. Back in the ring, to Flair - is it time to go to school? Kneedrop, ready to put it on...ah yep, HERE is AWESOMETAKER for the expected Nitro finish. Big boot puts Flair down, and Taker puts McMahon on top. McMahon pulls himself and Flair away from the ropes and hooks a leg - Patrick back in - 1, 2, 3. (9:05) Vince manages a few more bodybuilding poses as Angle and Taker stand behind him on the ramp. Credits are up and Tough Enough 2 is NEXT - as for me, I'll see you Tuesday, when everything (allegedly) changes!
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