IN OTHER WRESTLING: I'm in New York, where there seems to be a "wrestling" program on at least every couple of hours on one of the many public access channels - none of them, however, seem to feature a ring...so don't get your hopes up. I WILL say that the least garbagy program (and the only one not a complete waste of time) which I sat down and watched is probably the "Ghetto Wrestling Federation" which was on earlier tonight at 7.

UPN sure needs to update this bumper, they sure do

LAST THURSDAY: Once again we forego the "One World Leader" opening - this is starting to be a pattern! This show is rated TV-PG-DLV anyway. Last week, we had a #1 Contender match to determine the main event for THIS show - he got involved, and so did he - and HE ended up winning. Move to

MONDAY NIGHT: Undertaker unleashed a barrage of-- funny, I don't remember all these cheesy sound effects coinciding with every blow to Hulk Hogan...then again, it HAS been quite a week - maybe my memory's going...

Opening Credits are Beautiful, People!

THE BIG FIST SAYS HELLO from the Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh, PA and SAP - transmitido en espanol 2.5.2 (taped 30.4) and it's on - SMACKDOWN!

TONIGHT: Undisputed Championship on the line as Hollywood Hulk Hogan meets Chris Jericho!

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: RIKISHI & THE HURRICANE (challengers - 565 pounds) v. BILLY & CHUCK (champions - 537 pounds - with Rico)
referee: MIKE CHIODA
May I just observe that since taking on Rico (the Stylist), the tag team champions have made a grand total of ZERO stylistical changes? 'kishi starts with Billy - lockup...Billy with a kick, right, right, right, right, 'kishi shoves him down, back up, right, right, right, headbutt - no no, you can't headbutt a Samoan but I do admire the nostalgia trip - 'kishi with a right. Into the ropes, Billy ducks the clothesline, tries the sunset flip, nope, 'kishi pats his rump - Billy decides he's not an ass man and tags out. Chuck falls into a powerslam. Drumstick drop! Tag to Hurricane - top rope hurrisunset flip gets the first 2. Hurriright, hurriright, into the ropes is reversed, duck by Hurricane, hurriflying head scissors! Chuck is groggy and reaching out to the wrong corner - so Rikishi sticks out his ass. Chuck begs off...and turns back to find himself in the chokeslam - which, of course, doesn't work - but only because Billy is in to stop it. Double into the ropes, double head down, kick for Chuck, right for Billy, right, right, right, into the corner is reversed, Billy boosts Hurricane over his head and to Chuck - who hits a nice belly-to-belly overhead suplex! 1, 2, nope. Chuck knocks him down, picks him up, knocks him down again, brings him up and puts him down with a discus right. Tag to Billy, open kick. Right, choke on the second rope, Chioda protests after 5. Handful of hair - right hand. Into the ropes, head down, Hurricane comes back with a spinning DDT - Billy manages to tag out first. Going for the death suplex but Hurricane backflips and hits the clothesline/neckbreaker/whatever. HOT TAG TO 'KISHI! Right for Chuck, right for Billy, right for Chuck, right for Billy, Rikishikick for Chuck, triple spin clothesline for Billy. Chuck whipped into the corner - where Billy hapens to already be - 'kishi backs it up into the pile. Chuck out into a back body drop...while Billy flumps, causing 'kishi to drop everything...but no dice, as Rico pulls Billy out of the ring. Tazz: "the great stylist that he is!" Oy. Samoan Drop for Chuck, tag for Hurricane - climbing up top - plancha finds the mark, but Billy picks a fight with Rikishi on the outside to occupy Chioda - INSIDE, Rico hits the ring and connects with a spinning roundhouse kick that puts Hurricane down for the count. (4:26) But fear not - Rikishikick for Chuck, hurrichokeslam for Rico, into the corner, fatass splash, flump, stinkyface, everybody goes home happy except you for having to read this. Here's a replay of the stinkface. Rico is unhappy!

In the locker room, Storm and Valbowski are talking but not loud enough for us to hear. Here's Kurt Angle. "This is a damn shame. I mean, here you are - two of the most talented athletes in the whole company, and your greatest contribution to SmackDown! thus far has been 'I'll take twenty dollars on Mark Henry.' Just pathetic. But luckily for one of you, I'm here to change all that. See, tonight, I'm about to unveil this - the official (REAL) Kurt Angle T-shirt. Huh? Now one of you will have the opportunity to go down to the ring with me, modeling this, while I talk about it. Pretty sweet, huh? So what do you think?" "'American Hero / It's True It's True /' You know what I think, Kurt? Your shirt sucks, and so do you..." Off he walks. "What the hell does he know? The guy wears a freakin' towel? So what do you think, Lance?" "I think this is a fine piece of outerwear, Kurt. It would be my pleasure to wear this to the ring." "Good, good." "But aren't you just a little bit concerned? You know, about..." "Whoa whoa whoa, about what, these people chanting you suck? Lance, Lance, Lance, Lance - this is Pittsburgh - this is my home town. These people wouldn't dare chant 'you suck.' I mean, don't you know that I'm all these people have to live for? Without me, Pittsburgh would be...the pits. Get it? Well the point is - these people worship me. It's not like they have anyone else to cheer for." "Well, there is Mario Lemieux." "Mario Lemieux? PLEASE. You know rumour is that he faked that whole Hodgkin's Disease just to get sympathy. 'Lookit me, I'm Mario Lemieux! I bravely fought adversity! Love me, love me! Nyah!' Well that's what I heard. Come on, let's go - come on."

Booker T eats corn'n'puddin'

Catch the WWF - live! Monday is RAW in Hartford - the next week, RAW is Toronto! Two weeks from Friday is Louisville, two weeks from Saturday is Raleigh, and two weeks from Sunday is Judgment Day in Nashville!

Here's KURT ANGLE & LANCE STORM out to the ring - he modeling the shirt, he with the mic. "First of all, Lance Storm does not suck! He may be Canadian, but he's pretty cool. And why is he cool? Because tonight, he is officially wearing the REAL Kurt Angle T-shirt. A shirt that I specifically designed myself - and on the front, it says 'American Hero / It's True It's True / I'VE got gold / how 'bout you?' Turn around, Lance. And on the back, even better, it lists my many illustrious accomplishments - so many, that at the bottom I had to print 'and many more' - and many more, because I do. And because of all the writing on this T-shirt - because there's so much of it, it's only available in XXL or larger. So Lance, what do you think about my new T-shirt?" "Kurt, I think this is just great." "Exactly. Now I know that you people...are havin' a hard time balancin' your budget - and that many of you are unemployed. But if you're smart - you'll take all the money that you spend on BEER and PORNO...and put it to good use. So who wants to buy my T-shirt?" Before we take a show of hands, the lights go out and KING EDGE makes his seizure-inducing entrance. Cole tells us Edge had him in TEARS last week from his humourous antics. Cole is a giant wussy, coincidentally. "Kurt, I wanna buy a T-shirt. I think all of these people want to buy a T-shirt. And not that there's anything wrong with your shirt, but I think there's a better one out there. You remember the one I'm talkin' about, Kurt. If you don't let me refresh your memory. Can we please bring out the brand new Kurt Angle T-shirt?" Here comes DON'T YOU DARE CALL HIM VAL VENIS 'CAUSE HE'S NOT to Kurt Angle's theme wearing the "You Suck" T-shirt. "Hold on a second! Stop the music! Stop the freakin' music! That's it, Edge, I've had it. I am SICK of this, Edge. I thought after I kicked your (ass) at Backlash, you would've learned a lesson. But you haven't learned a damn thing! You know what- I want ANOTHER match with you at Judgment Day! And this time, Edge - YOU'RE gonna be the one that sucks - suckin' your meals through a freakin' straw at the hospital! I'm gonna brutalize you. I'm going to inflict so much freakin' pain, that you're--" Storm catches Angle's ear and whispers something to him. "I like it - I like it a lot. Edge, my REAL friend Lance Storm just informed me that he knows that I can beat you any time anywhere, any time I want. But you know something? It'd be much better to humiliate you. So what do you say we have ourselves a match at Judgment Day? And this time, what do you say we put something on the line like, ah, maybe that pretty little head of yours? How 'bout - it gets shaved bald if I beat you. Huh? Huh? What do you say, Edge? Not such a Johnny Goodtime now, are we? What do you say?" "You know what, Kurt? I'll do it. But you put your money where your mouth is - if I beat you, rrrrrrrerrrrroh, you shave your head bald." "Hold on a second - first of all, these people would die if Their Olympic Hero's head was shaved. They don't wanna see that, there's no way!" Valbowski: "To paraphrase another famous WWF Superstar...if y'all wanna see Kurt Angle get his head shaved clean, give 'im a 'You Suck!'" "I'll tell you what: if it means not giving these people what they want, and humiliating you like I'm going to, I say at Judgment Day, Edge...you're on." "And after Judgment Day, I say Kurt Angle will be red, white...and bald." Ladies and gentlemen, Rob Zombie.

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The Whack of the Night is brought to you by tobacco - it's whacko! Last Week, Randy Orton surprised Hardcore Holly to take his debut match.

HARDCORE HOLLY (Mobile, Alabama - 234 pounds) v. RANDY ORTON (St. Louis, Missouri - 240 pounds - with EARLIER TODAY!)
referee: BRIAN HEBNER
Holly's music now begins with a catchy Kool Moe Dee phrase for some reason. Earlier Today, Stacy Keibler rubbed Orton, kissed him for good luck, checked out his ass and then bit her index finger. Holly parts the ropes but Orton decides to go in a different way. Lockup, side headlock by Orton, Holly shoves him away. Lockup, side headlock by Orton, chain wrestling to the drop toehold, quick dropkick gets him 2. Holly is perturbed. Here we go again - kick by Holly, right, right, right, right, chop, Tough Enough 2 is next, chop, into the opposite corner, Orton sidesteps the charge and fluidly moves into a schoolboy - for 2. Oklahoma Roll gets him another 2. Holly shot into the ropes, head down, Holly gives him a powerbomb. Holly stomp, stomp, choke on the second rope, adding two feet on the back to amplify it. Orton sent into the ropes, Best Dropkick in the Business gets jeers. Orton put in the corner, right, gunshot chop, chop a little high up on the neck. Whip is reversed, but Holly gets two boots up. Holly runs into a powerslam and Orton gets ANOTHER 2. Orton with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, right, into the corner is reversed but Orton leaps from the second rope into a ...strange takedown and Orton gets 2 again. Orton with the flying jalapeno. Into the ropes, big back body drop. Holly decides he's had enough of this and gives him the uppernut. (DQ 3:06) Holy tosses Orton over the top to the outside and follows - stomp, chop, run ALL the way up the ramp, Hebner shoved aside, Alabama Slam on the stage! "How do you like me now?" Cole: "YERAJERK HOLLY!" Play his music anyway.

Rob van Dam shills the Slurpee

Faarooq displays a handful of hundreds and fifties - all the money he's made betting on Mark Henry (hey, isn't that ILLEGAL?). He'd like to give some to Henry. "No, man, no, I'm just happy bein' on SmackDown! and showin' my wares." Faarooq calls him a sure thing. Henry finally capitulates and grabs a couple C-notes. "Hey, man, don't get greedy." "Well how about these fifties--" "hey, look, I got you right here. How 'bout this brand new twenty." D-Von interrupts at this point, reminding Faarooq that money is the root of all evil, and perhaps that dirty, evil, sinful money would be better put to use in this box - as a contribution to the United D-Von Building Fund. "A dollar is a terrible thing to waste!" Faarooq's ready to bust him up, but Henry holds him back. "Listen up, man. You testify on this - you testify your (ass) outta here before I do something TRULY sinful with that collection plate." "Brother Ron, if I was you, I'd step back. Because lightning will strike down upon you! And if it doesn't strike you first, then maybe Brother D-Von will." "That brother gon' bust hell wide open. Hey Mark, you got that twenty? Hey I got a ten here, I'm gonna take that..."

Meanwhile, Vince is tracing Stacy's navel. "You know, that kid Orton doesn't have any idea what a kiss for good luck really means." WAIT - was Vince watching the TV THIS week when he didn't LAST week ohhh me head "I, on the other hand - I like to, uh, give you lots of kisses, Stacy. And quite frankly, there's one sensitive little area that really turns me on. And I'm going to give you all the luck in the world right about now when I kiss that SWEET little bellybutton of yours. Oh how nice is this." "The Undisputed Champion has arrived-ah!" "What the hell are you doing here? You never knock? What's the story?" "Vince, I'm the Undisputed Champion, I don't have to knock! But to be honest with you, I've been walking around, you know tonight's my night. You know this is my chance to regain the Undisputed Championship." "I understand that. Then why are you here telling me this?" "Well, there's a couple things that have been bothering me, Vince. A few things, all day long, that have been getting themselves in my head. First thing is Hulk Hogan. How am I supposed to know that has-bean isn't gonna go and get himself intentionally disqualified tonight?" "Hmm - that's a good question. You mean, as if he would hit the referee or something?" "Well, you saw The Undertaker beat the hell out of him Monday night. He knows I'm gonna do the same to him tonight. How am I supposed to know he's not gonna punch the referee in the face and get himself intentionally disqualified right off the bat?" "Because as of right now, this is a No Disqualifiaction matchup." "Ha ha ha - well, that takes care of THAT little problem, I guess. But then there's The Undertaker. Okay? He said he'd rather face Hollywood Hulk Hogan at Backlash than me. Right? And rightfully so. And also last week, he came down to the ring and interfered in my match, how am I suppoed to know he's not going to do the same THIS week?" "Because Ric Flair and I have an agreement of reciprocity. No individual ever again will interfere in either RAW or SmackDown! if they do, they will be immediately suspended." "Immediately. Suspended. So Undertaker's not going to be here tonight." "I can guarantee you. Good luck to you." Vince tries to go back to his couch. "Well that brings me to my third point, then - Triple H. You know how jealous this guy is - you know how vindictive he is. How am I supposed to know he's not going to come down to the ring and spoil my chance tonight as well?" "You know that's a damn good question. Well I'll tell you the reason why - is because if he so much as lays one finger on you prior to the outcome of this matchup - for Triple H, that would be tantamout to career suicide." "Well it looks like everything's pointing my way, Vince. Looks like tonight we'll have a new World Wrestling Federation Undisputed Champion...and his name is Chris Jericho." "You got it. Now what I was about to do was to really....umm, excuse me for a minute?" "Oh, sure. Tonight is my night, Vince - tonight is my night!" "Well he may be right, but you know what? Tonight is OUR night, too, Stacy - what do you, let's...get busy." Vince moves in but we are thankfully spared any mouth-to-mouth contact by the fadeout to the ad break

Lita shills Stacker 2

WWF TRIBUTE: Cole's voiceover: "The WWF remembers the lives of two legends. (ED "WAHOO" McDANIEL 1938-2002) Ed 'Wahoo' McDaniel's Native American heritage was a source of personal pride and inspiration throughout his life. The Chief's remarkable career spanned four decades. (LOU THESZ 1916-2002) The incomparable Lou Thesz was one of the world's most respected ring generals. Immortalized by the Lou Thesz press, 'Hooker' will be remembered as one of the great champions of all time." There, they said something - SHUT UP

EDGE & BIG VALBOWSKI (485 pounds - with TV-PG-DLV and Forceable Entry CD cover) v. KURT ANGLE & LANCE STORM (467 pounds - with SAP - transmitido en espanol)
referee: TEDDY LONG
Edge and Angle start - Angle kick, right, right, right, right, chop, chop, Edge reverses with a chop, chop, into the opposite corner is reversed, boots up by Edge, dropkick gets him 2. Head to the buckle, tag to Valbowski, kick, kick, Valbowski with a chop, right, right, right, into the ropes, back elbow, elbowdrop, off the ropes with a kneedrop for 1. Angle to the eyes, short clothesline. Angle goes to work - stomp, stomp, tag. Held open for Storm's kick. Forearm to the back by Storm, chop, chop, chop, into the ropes, reversed, Valbowski with a knee, into the ropes for another knee. Side Russian legsweep. Val with a stretch (remind me to look that up later) - and Angle comes in to break it up before Storm gives it up. Tag to Edge held for the kick, right, right, into the ropes, Angle pulls Edge's hair, turning him round to give Angle a punch, but turns back to eat the Viscera kick from Storm. Tag to Angle, open kick. Angle with a forearm in the back, stomp, stomp, vertical suplex gets Angle 2. Right, right, into the ropes is reversed, back elbow by Edge, but Angle ducks the clothesline and hits a German suplex. The crowd isn't too happy about Angle's celebration. Tag to Storm - open kick. Storm with two handfuls of hair - and the hairpull takedown. Legdrop gets Storm 2. Edge punches back - right, right, right, right, knee by Storm, Edge sent into the ropes, but he hooks the rope for a kick - but Storm manages a drop toehold and pulls him to his corner for the tag. Angle with an elbowdrop. Doubleteam in the corner when Valbowski tries to come in, tying up Long's field of vision. Storm in without a tag - there's a chickenwing and chinlock - Edge uses his free arm to elbow out. Whip into the corner is reversed, but Edge sends Storm up and over and the charge - but Storm still manages a forearm in the back of the neck from the apron - Storm pops off the top - but Edge turns it into a big powerslam! Both men are down and Long is counting - at five, Angle gets the tag - and so does Valbowski! Right hand Valbowki, right, right for Storm, clothesline for Angle, knocks down Storm, Angle reverses the whip, Valbowski ducks it, shoulderblock, powerslam for Storm, Angle up behind him and there's a German suplex! Angle hangs on but Valbowski elbows out before he can deliver another - Venis manages his Ihaven'tseenitinawhile powerbomb - 1, 2, Storm breaks it up. Storm and Angle with a doubleteam...but Valbowski backflips and lands on his feet - double clothesline misses, leaving Storm and Angle in position to take the top rope double clothesline from Edge! Storm rolls out and Eddge follows - back in the ring, Angle reverses a whip, then catches Valbowski in a belly-to-belly throw. Edge in with a SPEAR on Angle - Storm in with a clothesline that takes himself AND Edge out. Meanwhile, Valbowski crawls over for a cover - 1, 2, NO!! Angle comes back - right, right, off the ropes - Valbowski with a spinebuster! Valbowski going up - Storm to the apron to try to stop him but HE gets kicked back to the floor - oh, just enough time for Angle to run to the corner and throw him back into the ring with a big superplex! 1, 2, NO!!! DOWN COME THE STRAPS and Angle is fighting mad - but Edge knocks him down with a clothesline. In comes Storm - out goes Storm as Edge takes him out. While Long puts him back in his corner, Angle goes for the Olympic Slam but Valbowski evades it - rollup - Storm in one more time with a superkick to the head - Angle rolls back and Venis is out - 1, 2, 3. (7:58) Give it a replay!

TONIGHT: Undisputed Championship on the line - Hollywood Hulk Hogan vs. Chris Jericho!

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Commentators shill "The Glimmer Man" on UPN

CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO is on his way out - hmm, a little early for the match, so I guess he's just going to speak on this for a while. Excuse me, but what the hell is an "agreement of reciprocity?" They've tried to explain it three times now, and it hasn't made any sense a single ONE of those times. Is this a case of "why make sense when we can use A BIG WORD" or what? Alleged "Hogan" chant. "You can't bring me down, you jackasses, you can't bring me down - because tonight, *I* am the King of the World! *I* am the Mack Daddy! Because last week on SmackDown!, I beat Triple H fair and square - I pinned his shoulders to the mat, and I earned my right to face Hollywood Hulk Has-bean for the Undisputed Championship tonight. And I'm gonna do what The Game - or maybe I should say THE SHAME - I'm gonna do what The Shame couldn't do at Backlash, I am going to beat Hogan, and I'm going to once again become YOUR Undispyooted Champion! Oh yeah. But there's more - the best part is this - tonight, I am also going to do what every single WWF superstar has always wanted to do - tonight, I am gonna do something that's further going to cement my status as a true living legend in this business - tonight, I am going to drive a stake through the heart of Hulkamania! Hulkamania ends tonight - Hulkamania is NOT running wild in this crappy town, noooo no no no - tonight, Hulkamania is running out of time. Yeah, hear the seconds tick away - hear the time running out - shh shh, listen! Shhh shh shh shh - listen - shh shh - quiet quiet - can you hear it? Can you hear it?" Well all *I* hear is Motorhead. TRIPLE H is out. If Jericho were smart, he'd pop him. Jericho is NOT smart, so he'll stand back while H does his whale's blowhole spot on the apron. H stands nose to nose with Jericho - not only making sure to emphasize the difference in noses, but also their difference in height. "What are you laughing at, you loser? What are you smiling at, huh? I know why you came out here, though - I know why you came out here - you're jealous - you're jealous of me - you're jealous that I beat you last week, and you're jealous that tonight I'm gonna regain the Undisputed Championship, aren'cha, you're jealous of me. And the worst thing is, Triple H, that there is nothing that you can do about it, is there? 'Cause if you touch me, then just like Mr. McMahon said, you'll be committing career suicide! Yeah, you'll be ending your career if you touch me, Triple H. I know you're mad because I was the first-ever Undisputed Champion for four glorious months! And you were nothing more than a short-term four week embarrassment, now weren't you? You wanna hit me don'cha?" H smiles (through gritted teeth?) "You want to hit Chris Jericho, don'cha? Huh? You wanna hit me, don'cha, huh? Well, I'll tell you what--" Jericho removes his jacket. "Why don't you ball up that giant fist and punch me right in the face right now. That's what you wanta do - huh? That's what these jackasses want you to do! Come on - come on, punch me in the face! Punch me in the face, you son of a bitch! I'll me it eeeeeeeasy for ya - I'll stick my chin right in your face, come on. Punch me right here, I'm even gonna close my eyes, come on, punch me right here. Punch me! No, stop smiling and punch me! Knock that stupid smile off your face and punch me right now." I kinda thought he'd KISS him here, but no dice. "All right, I get it. I know why you don't want to punch me, you're SCARED of Chris Jericho, aren't you? Huh? I thought you were some kinda tough guy - screw the rules, you said - you're scared of me. Well you know what, Triple H? YOU can't stop me, and The Undertaker can't stop me, because tonight, I'm gonna end Hulkamania, and I'm gonna regain the Undisputed World Wrestling Federation Championship and NOBODY can change that, Junior!" H makes sure not to make contact with Jericho as he takes the mic. "Chris, I'm not SMILING because I wanna punch you; I'm smiling because I know something that you don't - and that is the fact that there is no chance in hell that you will become the Undisputed Champion tonight." Play his music! "How's that, Junior?" Oops, he wasn't done. Oh well, no matter. H drops the mic and leaves, leaving Jericho...flummoxed, I would say.

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FAAROOQ (Miami, Florida - 278 pounds - with Tough Enough III - oh, Lord - casting call details) and MARK HENRY (Silsbee, Texas - 350 pounds - with SmackDown! is brought to you by Subway, Honda, and Stacker 2) v. CHRISTIAN (Tampa, Florida - 224 pounds) and TEST (Toronto, Ontario - 282 pounds)
referee: MIKE SPARKS
I must apologise for not properly calling him "Theworld'sstrongestmanmark Henry" all this time. I'll try to rectify that calling this match. Test and Theworld'sstrongestmanmark Henry start. Lockup, Theworld'sstrongestmanmark Henry shoves him away because, well, you know. Let's do it again - no, Christian from behind, turning Theworld'sstrongestmanmark Henry round long enough for Test to put seven or eight forearms in the back, knee, forearm, tag, doubleteam, into the ropes, but Theworld'sstrongestmanmark Henry bowls 'em both over. Christian up on the shoulder - back to his feet - off the ropes, Christian ducks a clothesline, but ends up on the wrong end of a press and drop. Faarooq tagged - Theworld'sstrongestmanmark Henry presses, then drops Christian on Faarooq's knee in a super gutbuster than didn't hurt Faarooq's knee at all (?) Faarooq goes to work - right, kick, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, but Faarooq gets the elbow up - but Test manages an apron run clothesline while Christian distracts Sparks. In without a tag, Test stmps all over him. In the corner, right, back elbow, back elbow, back elbow, opposite corner, clothesline, opposite corner, clothesline, tag to Christian, held open for the right hand. Right - is blocked, right by Faarooq, clothesline, clothesline for Test, powerslam for Christian, 1, Test breaks it up. Now we hear D-VON walking through the crowd and collecting cash. Theworld'sstrongestmanmark Henry in, clotheslining Test. Faarooq gets 2 on Christian, but we're busy watching D-Von. Faarooq stops punching Christian to join Theworld'sstrongestmanmark Henry on the outside. "My brother, don't stop me from doing the man's work upstairs. Theworld'sstrongestmanmark Henry takes all the (laundry?) out of the box and chucks it into the crowd. D-Von waits until Theworld'sstrongestmanmark Henry turns his back, then forearms in - this leads to a chase through the crowd. Back in the ring, Faarooq ducks the Wotsitolla Boot, gives Test the spinebuster, but Christian is the legal man, and he's the one hitting the Unprettier for the 1, 2, 3. (3:35) Cole finds irony in Test & Christian stealing one when D-Von preaches "thou shalt not steal." Cole is a big wussy.

WHOA! AN EXCITING DOOR! LOOOOOK!

RAW ad - big six-man tag on Monday - yep - big

Booker T has a second helping

The Rock rides a camel - waaaaait... I'm pretty sure I've seen this Behind the Scenes clip before.

Examine the Mellon Arena

WWF CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: TAJIRI (champion - Tokyo, Japan - 206 pounds - with Torrie Wilson - and Let Us Take You Back To Backlash) v. BILLY KIDMAN (challenger - Allentown, Pennsylvania - 215 pounds)
referee: Hebner
Kick by Tajiri to start, kick, into the corner, boot up by Kidman, flying headscissors out of the corner - Tajiri boosts him overhead on the next charge but he lands on the second rope - Kidman springs off with a Mexican armdrag. Tajiri stops that with a kick. Seated dropkick to the kneecaps off the rope. Tajiri kicks the back of the leg, elbowdrop to the knee, draped on the bottom rope, buttdrop on the knee. I think he's picked his body part. Grabs the knee - and drops it across his own knee. Wants it again, but Kidman goes over and down the back with a rollup for 2. Kidman gutshot, wants the Rocker Dropper but Tajiri counters with a legwhip. Tajiri puts Kidman in the Tree of Woe, then dropkicks the knee again. Tajiri dares Kidman to get up - then kicks him in the head instead. Kidman manages an enzuigiri with the good leg, and both men are down. Kidman up, right, right, into the corner, off the ropes with a clothesline. Tajiri into the ropes, wants to counter with the handspring elbow but Kidman has it scouted and dropkicks him in the back of the head - for 2! Tajiri sent into the ropes, no, reversed, Kidman slides under the boot, tilt-a-whirl, no, Tajiri with a roundhouse kick to put him down. Wants a powerbomb - NO NO NO YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN - and Kidman gets 2 on the counter. Tajiri fights off the slam attempt - superkick to the face - Tajiri gets 2! Tajiri kicks the back of the leg *again*, into the corner, reversed, Kidman runs in and Tajiri tries for the Tarantula...but Kidman shoves him off, to the floor! Torrie over to check, but Kidman wants a pescado and tells her to get out of the way - Tajiri pulls Torrie into the oncoming path OHHHH Kidman lands right on here. Tajiri takes advantage of the distracted Kidman with a kick to the head - back into the ring - THE KICK - 1, 2, 3, champ retains. (3:52) Torrie is STILL down - let's take a replay and see how it went down one more time. When we come back, Tajiri demands she get up and follow him.

Back to the room of fun - Vince puts his belt back on as Stacy adjusts her shirt. Ugh. Vince asks Stacy to go find Triple H and bring him to the office. He fails to add "and please be sure not to look him up and down and bite your pointer like you did last time," presumably because he's still in some kind of afterglow I don't wannt think about it okay

Hey hey more WWF live events listed here - Saturday, Ft. Lauderdale; Sunday, Worcester; Monday, Lowell; Tuesday in Bridgeport is SOOOOOLD OUT

Vince paces - knock knock, there's Stacy and Triple H. "Well. Thank you VERY much, Stacy. Do you mind getting me a cup of coffee?" "Anything for you." This week Triple H gets a dirty look before she leaves - oh well, continuity's a bitch. "Phew. Oh, so what brings you, oh that's right I asked you to come here. Ummm, listen uh, PAL - since I guess we're still officially related until the divorce comes through, so uh - as a member of my immediate family, it's my duty to inform you that ah, if you insist in physically inserting yourself into this Hogan/Jericho match - don't test me, don't try me - your career is done. Over. As in 'Game Over.'" Triple H leans in. "You done?" "Yeah. Done." "Good." So he leaves.

CHRIS JERICHO IS WALKING!

Tough Enough ad - again

Scorpion King ad

COMING UP: The Inside Scoop on the REAL-LIFE SMACKDOWN for Diamond Dallas Page! God Bless You, UPN 9 News!

Heeeeeey it's the WWF Burn of the Night and it's brought to you by Stacker 2! From last week, Jericho sneaks out a victory over Triple H, thanks to Red Devil Canned Meat Products - wait

UNDISPUTED WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS JERICHO (challenger - Winnipeg, Manitoba - 225 pounds) v. HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN (champion - Hollywood, California - 285 pounds) with No Disqualifications
referee: Chioda
Well, here we go. Lockup, Hogan doesn't even make it look tough as he shoves Jericho away - then poses. We do it again - still no problem for Hogan as Jericho uses all his might - shoves him away and Jericho rolls outside, kicks the commentary table in anger, and hurts his foot. Hogan asks Jericho to please kiss it - then adjusts his 'do rag. "Hogan" chant. Lockup, side headlock by Hogan, no problems for Hogan, Jericho finally finds some leverage but Hogan staves off the wristlock and goes back to the headlock. Jericho shoves Hogan out - oh man, Hogan can't run at all - shoulderblock for Jericho. Jericho runs in - hiptoss by Hogan. Jericho runs into a scoop and a slam. Hogan with the arm wringer. Hogan gives it another turn. Elbow to the back of the arm by Hogan - another - Jericho to the eyes to break it up - Jericho with a death suplex and Hogan MAY have gotten three inches off the ground on that - oh, man. The 'do rag is off - Jericho wipes his armpits with it and throws it back on him. Stomp, stomp, Jericho cups his ear - off the ropes but the elbowdrop misses. Hogan is back up and feeling it. Right, right, right, right, chop, right, chop, right, chop, right, into the oppostie corner, but Jericho gets the elbow up. Jericho climbs up top - "who's the champion now, huh?" Oops, took too long - Hogan with a shot - then throws him back to the centre. Jericho begs off but Hogan kicks, right, right, double thrust, right, climbs to the second rope for the Ten Punch Count Along - or in Hogan's case, the Eight Punch and Skull Munch...but before he can take a nosh, Jericho uppernuts him and shoves him back into the ring. Chioda didn't see it, but hell, it IS a no DQ match right? Jericho right, stomp, picks him up, right hand puts him down again. Jericho slaps the back of Hogan's head. Head to the turnbuckle. Chop. Chop. Into the opposite corner - Hogan steps aside and Jericho rams the ringpost on his way to the floor. Hogan makes the oh face and maybe it's a resurgence. Hogan outside, pikcs up Jericho - no, Jericho shoves HOGAN into the ringpost. Jericho back inside, back up top, and leaps to the floor with a double axehandle to Hogan's back! Hogan back in - grabbing his neck - Jericho gives him a hot shot while leaping to the floor. Jericho back in - Boss Man straddle on the second rope. Jericho does some posing to stoke the crowd. Jericho undoes the tape on his wrist and adds to the choke. Somebody FINALLY remembered this was no DQ! Jericho tosses the tape and goes to the closed fist - right, right, right, forearm in the back, off the ropes, Boss Man Straddle #2 MISSES - oh, Hogan is doing his old man dance again - right, right, scoop...and a slam. Elbowdrop! Elbowdrop! Elbow...no, Hogan winds up and goes off the ropes - but THIS elbowdrop MISSES! Jericho with his "bulldog" as Hogan gets up - Lionsault HITS but as Jericho is in midair, TRIPLE H's music starts up and he walks down to the ring. Of course, Jericho drops EVERYTHING to stare at him - H still has his big goofy grin on, and walks to the commentary table instead. Man, Hogan sure can sell that Lionsault, can't he? Hogan comes back with a shot to the throat - right, right, right, into the ropes, big boot is DUCKED, gutshot by Jericho - and DDT! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, Hogan kicks out for the first near fall in this match, eight minutes in! Jericho with a right - oh, it's over. Right, no sale, right, no sale, Hogan is doing the jackhammer, right, point and finger wag. Right is blocked, Hogan right, right, right, inot the ropes, big boot, Hogan cups the ear too many times - legdrop NO, Jericho grabs the leg instead and there's the Walls of Jericho! Hogan won't give it up...crawling to the ropes - and grabs the bottom rope. Triple H is rooting for Hogan for some reason. Jericho decides to go outside and abuse the timekeeper - then grabs the chair and heads into the ring. WHACK! H says he feels a presence - almost as if the Undertaker is here. "I hope The Undertaker doesn't come out here!" Sure enough, "Rollin'" starts up - we don't actually see him, though, but Hogan is content to schoolboy the distracted Jericho and get the 1, 2, 3. (10:19) Jericho tries to get some back on Hogan, but now H hits the ring an wails away on Jericho. Jericho makes it out of the ring. H stays in with Hogan. Play Motorhead again - it's cheaper than the Hendrix! H finally chases after Jericho...and now the Hendrix DOES play. Hogan gets a final pose in as we hit the closing credits and head out.

Diamond Dallas Page's touching story of ADD and illiteracy is NEXT on the UPN 9 News!

Well I fast-forwarded through 23 minutes of "news" to learn about the tragic dorm wrestling accident - immediately followed by a shocking, SHOCKING expose of "Girls Gone Wild." "My aunts and my cousin saw it!" OHHH PORN PIRATES "It just makes people look at you differently" well DO tell!

FINALLY, at 10:40 we hit the DDP story. Apparently we need to call him "ADD-P" heh heh heh. Interestingly, they show plenty of clips of his match with Hardcore Holly, completely failing to mention that this is where he suffered the big neck injury and may never wrestle again...and, in fact, UPN 9 is more concerned with talking about his visit to Yale - yikes, use some anti-perspirant if you're gonna go sleeveless, Page! This is LOCAL NEWS HERE!

All right, I'll be back Tuesday. Have a feliz Cinco de Mayo!

CRZ
[slash] wrestling