Game 1 against the Mavericks is SATURDAY!
IN OTHER WRESTLING: I'm in New York, where there seems to be a "wrestling" program on at least every couple of hours on one of the many public access channels - none of them, however, seem to feature a ring...so don't get your hopes up. I WILL say that the least garbagy program (and the only one not a complete waste of time) which I sat down and watched is probably the "Ghetto Wrestling Federation" which was on earlier tonight at 7.
UPN sure needs to update this bumper, they sure do
LAST THURSDAY: Once again we forego the "One World Leader" opening - this is starting to be a pattern! This show is rated TV-PG-DLV anyway. Last week, we had a #1 Contender match to determine the main event for THIS show - he got involved, and so did he - and HE ended up winning. Move to
MONDAY NIGHT: Undertaker unleashed a barrage of-- funny, I don't remember all these cheesy sound effects coinciding with every blow to Hulk Hogan...then again, it HAS been quite a week - maybe my memory's going...
Opening Credits are Beautiful, People!
THE BIG FIST SAYS HELLO from the Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh, PA and SAP - transmitido en espanol 2.5.2 (taped 30.4) and it's on - SMACKDOWN!
TONIGHT: Undisputed Championship on the line as Hollywood Hulk Hogan meets Chris Jericho!
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: RIKISHI &
THE HURRICANE (challengers - 565
pounds) v. BILLY & CHUCK (champions - 537 pounds - with
In the locker room, Storm and Valbowski are talking but not loud enough for us to hear. Here's Kurt Angle. "This is a damn shame. I mean, here you are - two of the most talented athletes in the whole company, and your greatest contribution to SmackDown! thus far has been 'I'll take twenty dollars on Mark Henry.' Just pathetic. But luckily for one of you, I'm here to change all that. See, tonight, I'm about to unveil this - the official (REAL) Kurt Angle T-shirt. Huh? Now one of you will have the opportunity to go down to the ring with me, modeling this, while I talk about it. Pretty sweet, huh? So what do you think?" "'American Hero / It's True It's True /' You know what I think, Kurt? Your shirt sucks, and so do you..." Off he walks. "What the hell does he know? The guy wears a freakin' towel? So what do you think, Lance?" "I think this is a fine piece of outerwear, Kurt. It would be my pleasure to wear this to the ring." "Good, good." "But aren't you just a little bit concerned? You know, about..." "Whoa whoa whoa, about what, these people chanting you suck? Lance, Lance, Lance, Lance - this is Pittsburgh - this is my home town. These people wouldn't dare chant 'you suck.' I mean, don't you know that I'm all these people have to live for? Without me, Pittsburgh would be...the pits. Get it? Well the point is - these people worship me. It's not like they have anyone else to cheer for." "Well, there is Mario Lemieux." "Mario Lemieux? PLEASE. You know rumour is that he faked that whole Hodgkin's Disease just to get sympathy. 'Lookit me, I'm Mario Lemieux! I bravely fought adversity! Love me, love me! Nyah!' Well that's what I heard. Come on, let's go - come on."
Booker T eats corn'n'puddin'
Catch the WWF - live! Monday is RAW in Hartford - the next week, RAW is Toronto! Two weeks from Friday is Louisville, two weeks from Saturday is Raleigh, and two weeks from Sunday is Judgment Day in Nashville!
Here's KURT ANGLE & LANCE STORM out to the ring - he modeling the shirt, he with the mic. "First of all, Lance Storm does not suck! He may be Canadian, but he's pretty cool. And why is he cool? Because tonight, he is officially wearing the REAL Kurt Angle T-shirt. A shirt that I specifically designed myself - and on the front, it says 'American Hero / It's True It's True / I'VE got gold / how 'bout you?' Turn around, Lance. And on the back, even better, it lists my many illustrious accomplishments - so many, that at the bottom I had to print 'and many more' - and many more, because I do. And because of all the writing on this T-shirt - because there's so much of it, it's only available in XXL or larger. So Lance, what do you think about my new T-shirt?" "Kurt, I think this is just great." "Exactly. Now I know that you people...are havin' a hard time balancin' your budget - and that many of you are unemployed. But if you're smart - you'll take all the money that you spend on BEER and PORNO...and put it to good use. So who wants to buy my T-shirt?" Before we take a show of hands, the lights go out and KING EDGE makes his seizure-inducing entrance. Cole tells us Edge had him in TEARS last week from his humourous antics. Cole is a giant wussy, coincidentally. "Kurt, I wanna buy a T-shirt. I think all of these people want to buy a T-shirt. And not that there's anything wrong with your shirt, but I think there's a better one out there. You remember the one I'm talkin' about, Kurt. If you don't let me refresh your memory. Can we please bring out the brand new Kurt Angle T-shirt?" Here comes DON'T YOU DARE CALL HIM VAL VENIS 'CAUSE HE'S NOT to Kurt Angle's theme wearing the "You Suck" T-shirt. "Hold on a second! Stop the music! Stop the freakin' music! That's it, Edge, I've had it. I am SICK of this, Edge. I thought after I kicked your (ass) at Backlash, you would've learned a lesson. But you haven't learned a damn thing! You know what- I want ANOTHER match with you at Judgment Day! And this time, Edge - YOU'RE gonna be the one that sucks - suckin' your meals through a freakin' straw at the hospital! I'm gonna brutalize you. I'm going to inflict so much freakin' pain, that you're--" Storm catches Angle's ear and whispers something to him. "I like it - I like it a lot. Edge, my REAL friend Lance Storm just informed me that he knows that I can beat you any time anywhere, any time I want. But you know something? It'd be much better to humiliate you. So what do you say we have ourselves a match at Judgment Day? And this time, what do you say we put something on the line like, ah, maybe that pretty little head of yours? How 'bout - it gets shaved bald if I beat you. Huh? Huh? What do you say, Edge? Not such a Johnny Goodtime now, are we? What do you say?" "You know what, Kurt? I'll do it. But you put your money where your mouth is - if I beat you, rrrrrrrerrrrroh, you shave your head bald." "Hold on a second - first of all, these people would die if Their Olympic Hero's head was shaved. They don't wanna see that, there's no way!" Valbowski: "To paraphrase another famous WWF Superstar...if y'all wanna see Kurt Angle get his head shaved clean, give 'im a 'You Suck!'" "I'll tell you what: if it means not giving these people what they want, and humiliating you like I'm going to, I say at Judgment Day, Edge...you're on." "And after Judgment Day, I say Kurt Angle will be red, white...and bald." Ladies and gentlemen, Rob Zombie.
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The Whack of the Night is brought to you by tobacco - it's whacko! Last Week, Randy Orton surprised Hardcore Holly to take his debut match.
HARDCORE HOLLY (Mobile, Alabama - 234
pounds) v. RANDY ORTON (St. Louis,
Missouri - 240 pounds - with EARLIER TODAY!)
Rob van Dam shills the Slurpee
Faarooq displays a handful of hundreds and fifties - all the money he's made betting on Mark Henry (hey, isn't that ILLEGAL?). He'd like to give some to Henry. "No, man, no, I'm just happy bein' on SmackDown! and showin' my wares." Faarooq calls him a sure thing. Henry finally capitulates and grabs a couple C-notes. "Hey, man, don't get greedy." "Well how about these fifties--" "hey, look, I got you right here. How 'bout this brand new twenty." D-Von interrupts at this point, reminding Faarooq that money is the root of all evil, and perhaps that dirty, evil, sinful money would be better put to use in this box - as a contribution to the United D-Von Building Fund. "A dollar is a terrible thing to waste!" Faarooq's ready to bust him up, but Henry holds him back. "Listen up, man. You testify on this - you testify your (ass) outta here before I do something TRULY sinful with that collection plate." "Brother Ron, if I was you, I'd step back. Because lightning will strike down upon you! And if it doesn't strike you first, then maybe Brother D-Von will." "That brother gon' bust hell wide open. Hey Mark, you got that twenty? Hey I got a ten here, I'm gonna take that..."
Meanwhile, Vince is tracing Stacy's navel. "You know, that kid Orton doesn't have any idea what a kiss for good luck really means." WAIT - was Vince watching the TV THIS week when he didn't LAST week ohhh me head "I, on the other hand - I like to, uh, give you lots of kisses, Stacy. And quite frankly, there's one sensitive little area that really turns me on. And I'm going to give you all the luck in the world right about now when I kiss that SWEET little bellybutton of yours. Oh how nice is this." "The Undisputed Champion has arrived-ah!" "What the hell are you doing here? You never knock? What's the story?" "Vince, I'm the Undisputed Champion, I don't have to knock! But to be honest with you, I've been walking around, you know tonight's my night. You know this is my chance to regain the Undisputed Championship." "I understand that. Then why are you here telling me this?" "Well, there's a couple things that have been bothering me, Vince. A few things, all day long, that have been getting themselves in my head. First thing is Hulk Hogan. How am I supposed to know that has-bean isn't gonna go and get himself intentionally disqualified tonight?" "Hmm - that's a good question. You mean, as if he would hit the referee or something?" "Well, you saw The Undertaker beat the hell out of him Monday night. He knows I'm gonna do the same to him tonight. How am I supposed to know he's not gonna punch the referee in the face and get himself intentionally disqualified right off the bat?" "Because as of right now, this is a No Disqualifiaction matchup." "Ha ha ha - well, that takes care of THAT little problem, I guess. But then there's The Undertaker. Okay? He said he'd rather face Hollywood Hulk Hogan at Backlash than me. Right? And rightfully so. And also last week, he came down to the ring and interfered in my match, how am I suppoed to know he's not going to do the same THIS week?" "Because Ric Flair and I have an agreement of reciprocity. No individual ever again will interfere in either RAW or SmackDown! if they do, they will be immediately suspended." "Immediately. Suspended. So Undertaker's not going to be here tonight." "I can guarantee you. Good luck to you." Vince tries to go back to his couch. "Well that brings me to my third point, then - Triple H. You know how jealous this guy is - you know how vindictive he is. How am I supposed to know he's not going to come down to the ring and spoil my chance tonight as well?" "You know that's a damn good question. Well I'll tell you the reason why - is because if he so much as lays one finger on you prior to the outcome of this matchup - for Triple H, that would be tantamout to career suicide." "Well it looks like everything's pointing my way, Vince. Looks like tonight we'll have a new World Wrestling Federation Undisputed Champion...and his name is Chris Jericho." "You got it. Now what I was about to do was to really....umm, excuse me for a minute?" "Oh, sure. Tonight is my night, Vince - tonight is my night!" "Well he may be right, but you know what? Tonight is OUR night, too, Stacy - what do you, let's...get busy." Vince moves in but we are thankfully spared any mouth-to-mouth contact by the fadeout to the ad break
Lita shills Stacker 2
WWF TRIBUTE: Cole's voiceover: "The WWF remembers the lives of two legends. (ED "WAHOO" McDANIEL 1938-2002) Ed 'Wahoo' McDaniel's Native American heritage was a source of personal pride and inspiration throughout his life. The Chief's remarkable career spanned four decades. (LOU THESZ 1916-2002) The incomparable Lou Thesz was one of the world's most respected ring generals. Immortalized by the Lou Thesz press, 'Hooker' will be remembered as one of the great champions of all time." There, they said something - SHUT UP
EDGE & BIG VALBOWSKI (485 pounds - with
TV-PG-DLV and Forceable Entry CD
cover) v. KURT ANGLE & LANCE STORM (467 pounds - with SAP - transmitido en
TONIGHT: Undisputed Championship on the line - Hollywood Hulk Hogan vs. Chris Jericho!
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You're watching UPN!
Commentators shill "The Glimmer Man" on UPN
CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO is on his way out - hmm, a little early for the match, so I guess he's just going to speak on this for a while. Excuse me, but what the hell is an "agreement of reciprocity?" They've tried to explain it three times now, and it hasn't made any sense a single ONE of those times. Is this a case of "why make sense when we can use A BIG WORD" or what? Alleged "Hogan" chant. "You can't bring me down, you jackasses, you can't bring me down - because tonight, *I* am the King of the World! *I* am the Mack Daddy! Because last week on SmackDown!, I beat Triple H fair and square - I pinned his shoulders to the mat, and I earned my right to face Hollywood Hulk Has-bean for the Undisputed Championship tonight. And I'm gonna do what The Game - or maybe I should say THE SHAME - I'm gonna do what The Shame couldn't do at Backlash, I am going to beat Hogan, and I'm going to once again become YOUR Undispyooted Champion! Oh yeah. But there's more - the best part is this - tonight, I am also going to do what every single WWF superstar has always wanted to do - tonight, I am gonna do something that's further going to cement my status as a true living legend in this business - tonight, I am going to drive a stake through the heart of Hulkamania! Hulkamania ends tonight - Hulkamania is NOT running wild in this crappy town, noooo no no no - tonight, Hulkamania is running out of time. Yeah, hear the seconds tick away - hear the time running out - shh shh, listen! Shhh shh shh shh - listen - shh shh - quiet quiet - can you hear it? Can you hear it?" Well all *I* hear is Motorhead. TRIPLE H is out. If Jericho were smart, he'd pop him. Jericho is NOT smart, so he'll stand back while H does his whale's blowhole spot on the apron. H stands nose to nose with Jericho - not only making sure to emphasize the difference in noses, but also their difference in height. "What are you laughing at, you loser? What are you smiling at, huh? I know why you came out here, though - I know why you came out here - you're jealous - you're jealous of me - you're jealous that I beat you last week, and you're jealous that tonight I'm gonna regain the Undisputed Championship, aren'cha, you're jealous of me. And the worst thing is, Triple H, that there is nothing that you can do about it, is there? 'Cause if you touch me, then just like Mr. McMahon said, you'll be committing career suicide! Yeah, you'll be ending your career if you touch me, Triple H. I know you're mad because I was the first-ever Undisputed Champion for four glorious months! And you were nothing more than a short-term four week embarrassment, now weren't you? You wanna hit me don'cha?" H smiles (through gritted teeth?) "You want to hit Chris Jericho, don'cha? Huh? You wanna hit me, don'cha, huh? Well, I'll tell you what--" Jericho removes his jacket. "Why don't you ball up that giant fist and punch me right in the face right now. That's what you wanta do - huh? That's what these jackasses want you to do! Come on - come on, punch me in the face! Punch me in the face, you son of a bitch! I'll me it eeeeeeeasy for ya - I'll stick my chin right in your face, come on. Punch me right here, I'm even gonna close my eyes, come on, punch me right here. Punch me! No, stop smiling and punch me! Knock that stupid smile off your face and punch me right now." I kinda thought he'd KISS him here, but no dice. "All right, I get it. I know why you don't want to punch me, you're SCARED of Chris Jericho, aren't you? Huh? I thought you were some kinda tough guy - screw the rules, you said - you're scared of me. Well you know what, Triple H? YOU can't stop me, and The Undertaker can't stop me, because tonight, I'm gonna end Hulkamania, and I'm gonna regain the Undisputed World Wrestling Federation Championship and NOBODY can change that, Junior!" H makes sure not to make contact with Jericho as he takes the mic. "Chris, I'm not SMILING because I wanna punch you; I'm smiling because I know something that you don't - and that is the fact that there is no chance in hell that you will become the Undisputed Champion tonight." Play his music! "How's that, Junior?" Oops, he wasn't done. Oh well, no matter. H drops the mic and leaves, leaving Jericho...flummoxed, I would say.
"Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?" video & DVD ad
FAAROOQ (Miami, Florida - 278 pounds -
with Tough Enough III - oh, Lord -
casting call details) and MARK HENRY (Silsbee, Texas - 350 pounds - with
SmackDown! is brought to you by Subway, Honda, and Stacker 2) v. CHRISTIAN
(Tampa, Florida - 224 pounds) and TEST (Toronto, Ontario - 282
WHOA! AN EXCITING DOOR! LOOOOOK!
RAW ad - big six-man tag on Monday - yep - big
Booker T has a second helping
The Rock rides a camel - waaaaait... I'm pretty sure I've seen this Behind the Scenes clip before.
Examine the Mellon Arena
WWF CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: TAJIRI
(champion - Tokyo, Japan - 206
pounds - with Torrie Wilson - and Let Us Take You Back To Backlash) v.
BILLY KIDMAN (challenger - Allentown, Pennsylvania - 215
Back to the room of fun - Vince puts his belt back on as Stacy adjusts her shirt. Ugh. Vince asks Stacy to go find Triple H and bring him to the office. He fails to add "and please be sure not to look him up and down and bite your pointer like you did last time," presumably because he's still in some kind of afterglow I don't wannt think about it okay
Hey hey more WWF live events listed here - Saturday, Ft. Lauderdale; Sunday, Worcester; Monday, Lowell; Tuesday in Bridgeport is SOOOOOLD OUT
Vince paces - knock knock, there's Stacy and Triple H. "Well. Thank you VERY much, Stacy. Do you mind getting me a cup of coffee?" "Anything for you." This week Triple H gets a dirty look before she leaves - oh well, continuity's a bitch. "Phew. Oh, so what brings you, oh that's right I asked you to come here. Ummm, listen uh, PAL - since I guess we're still officially related until the divorce comes through, so uh - as a member of my immediate family, it's my duty to inform you that ah, if you insist in physically inserting yourself into this Hogan/Jericho match - don't test me, don't try me - your career is done. Over. As in 'Game Over.'" Triple H leans in. "You done?" "Yeah. Done." "Good." So he leaves.
CHRIS JERICHO IS WALKING!
Tough Enough ad - again
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COMING UP: The Inside Scoop on the REAL-LIFE SMACKDOWN for Diamond Dallas Page! God Bless You, UPN 9 News!
Heeeeeey it's the WWF Burn of the Night and it's brought to you by Stacker 2! From last week, Jericho sneaks out a victory over Triple H, thanks to Red Devil Canned Meat Products - wait
- Winnipeg, Manitoba - 225 pounds) v. HOLLYWOOD
HULK HOGAN (champion - Hollywood, California - 285 pounds) with No
Diamond Dallas Page's touching story of ADD and illiteracy is NEXT on the UPN 9 News!
Well I fast-forwarded through 23 minutes of "news" to learn about the tragic dorm wrestling accident - immediately followed by a shocking, SHOCKING expose of "Girls Gone Wild." "My aunts and my cousin saw it!" OHHH PORN PIRATES "It just makes people look at you differently" well DO tell!
FINALLY, at 10:40 we hit the DDP story. Apparently we need to call him "ADD-P" heh heh heh. Interestingly, they show plenty of clips of his match with Hardcore Holly, completely failing to mention that this is where he suffered the big neck injury and may never wrestle again...and, in fact, UPN 9 is more concerned with talking about his visit to Yale - yikes, use some anti-perspirant if you're gonna go sleeveless, Page! This is LOCAL NEWS HERE!
All right, I'll be back Tuesday. Have a feliz Cinco de Mayo!
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